7 Things You Need to Know When You Don't Feel Good Enough

Self doubt and not feeling confident is just undisciplined thinking. Because when you have disciplined thinking, you create an open, optimistic, learning and growth mindset. And that's a tool, right? That's a strategy, that's a skill set that anyone can learn in order to go after and achieve what they want out in the world. Hi, I'm Shawn Butner, certified high performance coach. This is the Coaching Moments series. This is the fifth video of five on the common reasons why people seek a coach. And self doubt has got to be one of the biggest reasons. People come into my coaching practice and really it shows up as people not feeling enough in their relationships, in their job, people feeling like they can't change their health, people feeling like they don't deserve to change their health or feel happy each day, but they've made the decision to say, you know what, something has to change and so they go and seek help. And I always celebrate those folks that are reaching out because they need a little extra support, need a little extra help. So in today's video we're going to talk about seven things you need to know. When you don't feel good enough, when that self doubt creeps into your head and you feel like you're not good enough or that you're falling behind everyone else or that your timing's not off and so you're going to delay to the future, to a more perfect time and or maybe you felt like you had imposter syndrome at a job or in relationships. And these are all common struggles that folks face. So we're also going to be talking about how to develop a growth mindset and that's basically the answer to how to overcome self doubt. When everything becomes an experiment, that's when things get fun, that's when people can engage and take those actions that actually will change their life. So before we get into that, I want to answer a question that, you know, what I look for as a coach is what people really want in life, right? And for me it sums into three different words. It's joy, growth, an impact. Why is that? Because most people want to feel more love in their life. They want to feel happier during the day, you know, so that that sense of joy, the sense of awe, that sense of adventure is, you know, part of what everyone that I've coached has really come for. They want to change a part of their life so that they feel better about their life or they feel better about the future or whatever it is. So most people are seeking some type of joy or love or Good feelings in their life. Second thing is growth. People really want to feel like they're making progress towards something, right? A better relationship, a better career, more abundant career, providing more for their family, those kind of things. And finally, they want more impact, and that is that what they're doing out in the world matters to their loved ones, to their companies, to their missions and purposes. And the opposite of that then is misery, feeling stuck and ineffective, right? You know, so if you've ever felt like you're just going through the motions, right, because you're not progressing, you don't have that growth aspect in your life, you probably don't feel good, or at least neutral, right? You don't have that zest for life that we're all after. And so that's when people tend to struggle, right? That's when your career plateaus. That's when relationships move from that initial exciting phase to just kind of going in the maintenance phase that a lot of people say has lost a lot of their pop or, you know, you start to realize that if you're just going through the motions, you're not having that great impact and driving your field of choice forward or advancing the goodness and footprint of your business or career. So it's really important that we all seek this in our life because, you know, for me, I remember feeling miserable, feeling stuck, and feeling like things didn't matter at my first job right after college. And so in 2007, I left grad school, got my first tech gig. And I felt like an imposter in that because I came up through business school and software was a hobby that I did in high school. I had two courses of that in grad school. That was all of the computer science training I had formally. And so I go to this giant retailer, you may have heard it, they're called Walmart. As a software engineer, they passed the software engineering test somehow. And I felt like I had something to prove. And so I never said no to things. I was always pushing myself to do way more than I probably needed to. And it took about six to eight months to completely burn out. Where, you know, the feeling like I was never getting ahead of the work that I was tasked with, that I was doing things that were actually making a difference on the team. I was really sensitive to that. And so there's a lot of this eternal stress that I felt and just trying to make sure that I wasn't like, dragging the team down, right? And maybe you've had a job where you, you, you know, thought everyone else is so smart or everyone else had all the right credentials and that you weren't enough there, right? And you can only do that for so long before either you're going to leave, you know, you're going to quit, or you're going to figure out a way to overcome that, that type of self doubt. And so it took a lot of journaling, it took a lot of seeking mentors, took a lot of coaching from people at Walmart to help me kind of find my footing and realize that there are things that I could bring to the table. Not going through the computer science route that would be really helpful and skills like, you know, instead of trying, you know, it's either yes or no if you can get another team to work with you, like realizing like, oh, you have to kind of work the social angle and like you talk to your manager and maybe you talk to the other team's manager and you're trying to come up with a solution to be like, okay, we need to get this done by this deadline. How can we make this work? You know, and so engineers aren't necessarily the folks that are going to reach out and communicate a bunch. So having some of those soft skills and understanding like organizational behavior and all that stuff, I was able to bring to that job. And that's when I felt like I was contributing. So I felt like it was fun when I could solve problems in a unique way. It was really awesome to then see my career starting to grow because I was adding value in a different way that was impactful, that was making a difference on projects and helping me get promoted and all that stuff. So it's super important to, you know, to really work on figuring your way through that self doubt because ultimately if you're pushing yourself, if you're learning, if you're able to apply other experiences to where you're not feeling super confident, you can build confidence there and you can actually grow from that experience. So. And all of that would not have happened without mentors helping guide me along the way. And so that was super important for my growth at that point in my career. But you know, ultimately those mentors helped me shift my position to be more of a business analyst. So someone that could talk to engineering, someone that could talk to the business people and have them all kind of play together in a way that worked for everyone and that was super valuable, that was super unique to what I could offer at that company. So that was kind of how I figured my way through that. But when we feel self doubt or we feel like we're not good enough or we feel like we are preventing ourselves from getting into action because we don't know how it's going to work out. Then there's a couple strategies and a couple of tools and skills that we can work on to push through that self doubt to really make sure that we are advancing in our lives. So I'm going to try some new technology here. Number one, you have to get into action. You can't let self doubt stop you. And so what really separates people that are successful and people that are not as successful is your ability to work through self doubt quickly. And because everyone has this right, you're not alone and feeling unsure of your capabilities of if you can get out there and make a difference. And it's almost irrelevant. It's more of a are you going to get in the game? Are you going to get learning? Right. Because you can't figure out what's going to work or what's not going to work if you're thinking about it. If you're stuck in your head, right? So you have to get into action. You have to start saying like oh, if I ask the worst thing that they could say is no or you know, and working through that. And a lot of times it's a lot easier than you make in your head and just a little bit of momentum can go a long way in helping you feel more confident in what you're doing. So it's super important to not let self doubt stop you in your tracks. And this is one of the main reasons why people find coaching is, you know, they have the vision and it's just taking that bold step to get in the game to start figuring stuff out, to start making things work and finding out what's working and what's not working. And that in itself is building that growth mindset in becoming the experimenter. So I won't belabor that point too much. But get into action as soon as you can and just know that other people also notice that and tend to cheer you on, especially if you're in a good supportive environment. If not, people might feel threatened, but you can't let that stop you either. You know, it is very noble to act when you're unsure. So I'm cheering you on. We're all cheering you on guys. Okay? Number two, you have to focus on service, right? It's extremely hard to not feel anxious or to feel like you're not enough to feel that self doubt when you are helping others and making an impact there. This is something I learned from Someone that's been on my podcast, she said it very eloquently that it's really hard to feel depressed when you're showing love. And I think service, in a lot of ways, service leadership is an act of love for the people you're working with. And not in a romantic way, but showing that you care about the job, showing you care about your team, showing you care about the organization. By focusing on, how can I help, right? It's that very simple question, how can I help you? And again, in that service like that is something that prevents you from feeling all those bad feelings. And eventually, like, if you help enough people, you'll build that positive community that'll cheer you on and will want to work with you. So. And having people want you on the team is like this weird childhood thing we all want. And so that helps build a little bit of confidence too, as you go forward. Okay, so point number three out of seven for what to do when you experience self doubt is to think about and ask yourself this question, like, where else am I confident in my life, right? Maybe you are the best parent in the world, but at project management you're kind of struggling. And you know, the disconnect is you're still the same person in both of those roles, but maybe you can bring some of what's made you successful as a parent to that job, right? Or vice versa. Maybe you're an awesome project manager and your relationship with the kids is a little shaky. How can you cross pollinate from different areas of your life? And why is that important? Because when we take an area and domain where we feel confident, right? And we can have that feeling of knowing what to do, of knowing how to push people or whatever is going to serve you in that moment when you can feel that and then transfer that into a different area of your life. A lot of times we think they're separate, but, you know, you might have some relationship building that you do at your job that can help you connect more with the kids, right? Or maybe you're doing, you know, what not to do at work, but you're doing all those things at home too. So it's one of my favorite coaching questions when people get stuck, because so often we have the answers in ourselves and we have the capability, we just don't realize it. And isn't that true for so many things in life? So, you know, bringing where you're successful to an area where you're struggling can actually help you strengthen that area and help you get again, get into action. So you Start learning and can turn that weakness maybe into a strength. So that's the third point. Fourth point is it is critical to celebrate all the wins. And this is something that I'm constantly doing with my coaching clients because our brains are trained to look at what's wrong, what we need to fix, you know, what isn't going right. And that can really drag your mood down. It can make you feel not as connected to the moment, so you lose some presence or you start to dread things at work in your life in general. And that's a really, like, not great place to be. Right? So how do you overcome that natural focus to focus on deficit, to focus on what's wrong, to focus on what's not working, and that is to be aware of all the amazing things around you. And, you know, you wake up in the morning, that's a huge win in itself. And we take for granted so much and earn so many times in our life, but the ability to be healthy, the ability to, you know, have a house and be able to have food and like, all the basic stuff that a lot of times we take for granted could be these little celebrations that will help you build, like, positive feeling for the day, especially if you do, like a lot of people in personal development. Talk about a gratitude journal at the beginning of the day. I think it should be gratitude practices that you have throughout the day. But whatever works for you. Do what works for you. Either have that morning, like, three things I'm grateful for, just waking up in the morning or how you greet people, just being very appreciative to everyone you meet, or whatever works for you. There's a whole bunch of. We could go do a whole video on that. So. But the more you celebrate wins big and small, especially the small ones that seem unimportant, the more you're going to be training your mind to be looking for what's going for me, what is good, what am I doing that's good? And it's really hard to be like, I don't think I can do this, when you have all this evidence already stored in your head of all these things that you've done right and have celebrated and continue to celebrate. So that's a really important point that I thought it's important. So number five, engage your supportive community. So so many times we can feel alone in, you know, not feeling confident like everyone else is really great, but I'm different and it's just me. And so that's really important that you have those close friends that have your back or the good friends at work, the good teammates that'll build you up, or the good manager, the good leader that is constantly supporting your progress. And that's not to say that they're not going to say, hey, you're really messing up here, but they will help you figure out. It's not like, hey, you're messing up and you're fired, it's, hey, you're messing up. How do we get you back on track, right? That type of coaching, right? Or that type of mentorship, that type of leadership on this is where we're trying to get you. This is kind of where you're at. We can help you bridge that gap. Or hey, you're learning, it's tough and that's okay, right? One of the most profound pieces of advice I got early on in my career at that job at Walmart was my first manager, Max, after I completely like blew up this project on accident. And he goes, hey, like I just want to say, you know, great job screwing that up. Which is a weird thing for a manager to say when you've, you know, caused a lot of extra hours of work and stuff. And he said, you know, because, you know, I, you made that mistake and you'll know never to do that again. Right? But mistakes show that you're at the edge of your competency, the edge of your skill, that you're pushing yourself. And if you're pushing yourself, you're going to learn, you're going to be a better software engineer and it'll, you know, it's part of your growth. And so that's good. If you're making the same mistake over and over again, that's not good and we'll have to have a different conversation. But you made this mistake, you're not going to make it again. So congratulations for learning that lesson. And I thought that was such a, a really super important part of my growth journey as a software engineer as I would go into like working on things I probably shouldn't have. You know, learning different languages as you need them is fun when you're young, I guess, but, you know, it helped keep me pushing that edge of what do I know? I'm going to try this thing and see if it works and to be really aware of like clocking the things that didn't work and also operating from that point. Okay, the sixth point is to focus on building skills when you're feeling self doubt. And this is so important because one of my mentors, Brendan Burchard, is always talking about this competence, confidence loop where the more skills you have, the more capabilities that you have, the more confidence you feel. The more confidence you feel, the more you'll try. The more you try, the more you learn. The more you learn, the more skills you build. And so it's this self feedback loop where it could work both ways, right. You're either in action, trying things, learning, getting a little more confident and getting a little bit better, skilled at being a graphic designer, being a marketer, being a business owner, being a software engineer, whatever it is, or you're doubting yourself and so you stop yourself from trying to. And so you don't get that learning and so you feel more unsure and then, you know, spirals the other way. But identifying the skills that you need this next year and the next 90 days to really focus on, to help you build confidence in, you know, your relationship and your personal life and relationships and your career with your team and your health or general well being is a surefire way to set yourself up for success. So the question then is, what are the three big skills you need to learn next year and how are you planning on improving those skills? Is it on your calendar, that kind of stuff? And that's such a powerful exercise. It's something I do a lot with my coaching clients to just make sure that we're aware that we're getting that sense of progress. Right. So I was talking about that model before, Joy, growth, impact. You want to be feeling progress. Like if you are a better public speaker in a month from today, right. Than you are right now, you're going to feel a little bit more confident, you're going to feel a little bit happier because you know, we all love to improve and show off our skills. So focus on three big skills you're going to build next year. And I'll take this moment to talk about. On January 2nd, 3rd and 4th, I'm hosting a live challenge, right? So I'll go live for an hour each day about building your personal, meaningful revolution. So every year at the end of the year, for the last four years, I've had this live at the beginning of the year called Build you'd New Year's Revolutions instead of resolutions. Because I think we want to think big and we want to start the year great. So this year it's going to be a little bit different. So I've had this idea of people leaning more into what they find meaningful in their lives, to design the life that they want and have a plan to build it and then getting after it. So this challenge will help you identify what are your big goals next year so you have crystal clear clarity on what you need to do the plan to make that happen. So getting into what do you have to be doing each month? What are some smaller goals to help you reach those big goals that you've identified for yourself this next year and to build a community to celebrate and to help each other realize those plans so that we don't get caught in self doubt or any other things we've talked about in this little series. So if you are interested in starting your personal New Year's revolution right next year, January 2nd through the 4th, then below this video, wherever you're watching it is a link for you to sign up. So you sign up, you can sign a thank you page and then a week before you'll get an email with the zoom link for you to show up and so we can workshop your next year. So I'm really excited about this guys. I hope you will join us for that because I know how transformative this experience can be. Having worked on this process the last four years, it's really helped me get clear on what I want to get after during the year. And I'll tell you where people generally get, you know, goofed up because it's also me. So I'm on this journey with you, but it's powerful when you know what to do and you get after it and you have people cheering you on. So I'd love for you to join me on that live challenge again. Link below. Let's go on to the final point here of what to do when you have self doubt. Probably the most profound thing to do is to change domains. And what do I mean by changing domains? I mean that if you are feeling self doubt in your career, go for a run, engage your body, right? If you are feeling like you might not be up for that big hike up Machu Picchu in a month, like get into learning or another area where you know a mental area or meditate about it before you start training to work either a different domain, right? So domain physical, mental or emotional. So generally if you get stuck in one of them, the lever to get out of it is in one of the other domains. So example from, from my life during that time at Walmart, I was really stressed out. So stressed out that I signed up for a marathon, right? And so to manage the emotional stress I started to run miles and miles and miles. And that helped me deal with the stress so that I could then figure out how to solve what was causing me stress. If that makes sense. And so that's also true. So when you feel self doubt, think what domain is this lack of confidence in? And then what's another one of these currencies that I can tap into where I might have a little bit more confidence? So maybe if it. For another example, if you're like, I don't know how to run a marathon, I don't think I can do it. I don't feel confident there. Maybe you tap into your research skills and find a book that'll give you a training plan so then you have that confidence to go, okay, I just have to follow the plan. Right? Right. So it's a mental, you know, research thing, helping you in a physical way. So that's kind of how that all works. So. Okay, guys, I hope you really enjoyed these seven points. Again, I'll run through them for you. Is to get into action. It's to focus on service, it's to figure out where else you're confident in your life and learn. Take those learnings from that area into what you're not feeling confident about or feeling some self doubt about to celebrate all wins big and small. To engage in a supportive community that's boosting you up to focus on building skills so you have that confidence competence loop working for you and then to change domains if all else fails to use a different currency, either mental, physical or emotional. So that said, that'll conclude this mini series of why people get coaching. And again, like so many people come to me to figure out like I don't feel enough. And I'm here to tell you as your coach, you are. You already know pretty much everything you probably need to. But maybe you need to look at your life in a different way, have a different perspective. That's why it's really important to get engaged in that challenge. I talked to or you could also sign up for an hour strategy session with me below. I'll have a link to that also. So two different ways you can work on building your confidence for next year, building your success for next year, getting in the game and really changing your life. Right. Because these types of things, coaching and you know, really living into building and designing the life that you want and realizing it changes your life and you feel happier, you feel like you're growing, you're feeling like you're making a big impact and that's what we're all about. So with that said, guys, this is Sean Butner signing off. We'll hope to see you soon in that challenge again, it's going to be amazing. I know you'll love it. So see you there, guys. Take care, Sam.