The Best Relationship Advice Nobody Told You

Have you ever been sitting on the couch with your spouse or significant other and wondered, where did that spark go? That thing that made the relationship exciting? That thing that made the relationship feel super connected? And you're watching TV and you're just like, what's going on here? Right. Well, it's my belief that apathy is the enemy of relationships, and apathy in relationships is the worst, right? Because when you don't care about the relationship, you don't care about progressing the relationship, you don't care about doing special things for the other person in the relationship, that's when we get into trouble, right? That's when people get bored. That's when people start to really feel like they're living with more of a roommate in a particular circumstance, and the spark's gone. And that's not super fun. And so how do we as people, as humans, deal with that reality that sometimes the relationship might not feel as connected or fun or exciting as it once did? Well, I'm Sean Butner, certified high performance coach, and today we're gonna be talking about relationships and in particular about why my wife and I ended up going to couples counseling when we didn't have any big issues in our relationship. And so, like I said before, apathy is the enemy in any relationship because it creates a lot of fertile ground for problems to come up. So, you know, I believe, and I think when you start to adopt this mindset, it becomes really hard to be apathetic about your relationships, that, you know, as long as you're in a relationship, that's reciprocal. When you take responsibility for making the relationship great, that is going to impact the quality of that particular relationship with your significant other, with friends, with your spouse. You know, it could be any relationship. I'm going to talk about it in terms of my marriage because it's been very informative for me. So, you know, years ago, when I was dating my now wife, we were living together, and I noticed that it felt like we were talking past each other. And so I remember having this instance thinking, like, right now we're at a crossroads in the relationship. We are either going to figure out how to communicate better together or this relationship isn't going to work out. And I remember distinctly feeling that and bringing that up with my wife, Ashley, and now wife Ashley, girlfriend at the time. And. And so my idea was, hey, like, you know, things, you know, was a little bit of a communication issue that over time, I know is going to blow up, but it's. It's okay now. Like, like, you Know, kind of took her off guard that I brought that up. And I like, hey, we should go to a couple's counsel therapist and just learn how to communicate a little bit more effectively with each other. And I did that personally because one, like when I was dating, I wanted a test to be like, are you gonna be someone that does the work and says, okay, like, I'm gonna own my space in the relationship or am I going to be someone that's gonna blame people or not take responsibility? Because that was gonna be a deal breaker. Right. And luckily she passed with flying colors. And so, you know, we found a couple's therapists and it helped us in five different ways. And I'll share those five different ways right now. But more importantly, you know, it was a process of really coming together as a couple, right. I feel that common experience of self discovery, of learning about yourself and how you relate in relationships and a little bit about why is the power of couples counseling and the power of getting into it sooner than later, right. When you're not really in like, you know, somebody cheated on me, somebody, they always do this and it drives me crazy and I can't. I just see red every time I see them. Right. You know, it allows you in a much calmer space to learn about yourself, to learn about the relationship, and ultimately connect better as you go forward. So. And I also feel that because of, you know, know, wanting to be the best spouse possible, the best significant other possible, you know, I have as a high performance coach, I'm someone that's always kind of keyed into how do I show up as my best, how do I engage the most in my life in all areas, right. Relationships in particular, that this is a good thing. And, you know, how can I also be a little bit proactive and if I want great relationships, you know, what's the work that'll get you there? And you know, talking to a coach or talking to a couples therapist can be appropriate, depending on it. And, you know, I will do the warning, right? If you have trauma in your life that's preventing you from having great relationships because you don't trust people or another. Like, there's a whole list of things that I, as a coach, I'm not qualified to talk about. I encourage you to see a personal therapist or get into couples counseling because that will help you. But it's going to be that much better if you're calm and you come from it or come into that process with like, how do I make something good greater? How do I make something Great. Even greater. Right. So that's kind of the philosophy we went into going into there, going into couples counseling. And it was one of the best decisions I think we made together. One and last thing before we get into these five points. Another idea I think is really important for any relationship is, you know, putting imagining that there's you, there's the other person, and then there's this imaginary conglomeration of you both called the relationship. Right. And so the idea that something that's good for me might not be good for your, the other person and the compromise and the thing that you're fighting for, the thing that you're maybe fighting against in certain circumstances is that third entity called the relationship. So it's always best, you know, that I picked up over time to think about what is good for. It's you and your partner teaming up to build that third thing that. That relationship. And so how that comes out in practical terms, it's, you know, we're both tired after working all week, but we're going to go on date night because it's good for us to connect together and to have some fun and to bring some of that excitement into the relationship. It's good for us to go to couples counseling to preemptively get around communication issues, to make it work. Right. And to prove to each other that we're willing to go there and do the work. It's good for the relationship if I don't like to go on vacations, to go on a vacation with my wife because she loves to travel. Right. And so on and so forth. So that little mindset too, can really help you build great relationships. But, you know, the title of this video is why we chose to go to couples counseling when there was nothing wrong. Right. And here are five reasons that I found really helpful in self discovery again, and in relating to my spouse. The first is communication. Right. I always feel we could be better communicators. No matter who you are, you could be like, that could be your job is always communicating with people. But there are different areas in our lives that are more appropriate. Like you don't want to take. You don't want to talk like a business person at home with your spouse or friends. And you don't want to necessarily be as casual with your boss as you are with your friends. Right. So there is a little bit of knowing the audience. Right. But, you know, there's something that I learned through this couples counseling process is that we have different communication cultures. And what. What is a communication culture? It's how you expect other people really to communicate with you. Right? So when you're upset, do you want someone to console? Console you? Do you want someone to yell back at you? Do you want someone to give you space? Do you, you know, how descriptive are you in describing the world around you or not? There's so many different aspects of it. But, you know, for me, I came from a family. You know, my mom's side was super large and awesome when everyone would make fun of each other. So there's a little bit of gently, like, poking at people that I do in my personal relationships, just, you know, kind of cajoling them, making jokes and that kind of manner. But personally too, like, I don't particularly if I don't have anything to say, I'm not just going to talk, right. I'm going to be to the point and I'll be quiet. And my wife is from a little bit more of a verbose family, like communication culture. Right. And that's not to say one is better than the other and that those are the only two. Right. There are millions of people with millions of different backgrounds and infinite combinations of things that could make your, you know, maybe you're a little bit more direct, maybe you're a little bit more indirect. There's so many different ways that you can take a look at this. But what's most important is when you're working on your relationship and you're trying to build the best relationship possible, that you understand that there are two different styles at stake and that there you might need new strategies in order to reach the other person. Right? So this isn't about completely changing how you communicate to make up, you know, or to meet where your partner is. It's how do I communicate, how do I know when I'm not communicating and the way that my partner is, and what are the implications of it, Right? It's a very analytical part of this process, but it's also hugely informative where if I'm getting grumpy because of something and I need to say it in order for my wife to understand that that's happening. Right. She doesn't pick up any clues and vice versa, right? So that's kind of what we're talking about, communication and communication culture. But, you know, working on your communication and saying, hey, I need this, or saying, hey, this is a want, or being able to talk about things is key to building intimacy, key to building any great relationship. And so that was the first really big reason why we, you know, or outcome from counseling that Was really great. Second, it's time to work on the relationship together every week, right? Because it's going to be you and this other person. And again, in the the context of a marriage, right, but again, this could be any type of relationship. But you know, the things and habits you do together build that closeness, right? So therapy was one of many things that went do together to help build closeness. And so, and it's really awesome because you're also thinking about the relationship together. How are we doing, like simple check ins when we're super busy with kids, when we're super busy with work and we're super busy living our lives. And the time you have at home could be the worst energy you have, right? Everyone's tired, you don't want to talk about stuff. Maybe you just want to watch TV again, but you know, you don't have that check in. But you're gonna have to have that check in at least once a week or whatever the frequency is when you do couples counseling. And that can be hugely and profoundly impactful in building that relationship. So that time dedicated to working on the relationship to really get into a groove of that is really helpful, especially with how busy people get. The third thing is you find comfort in uncomfortable, right? So a lot of times it's nice to have a third person, a coach or you know, somebody that knows a couple. Maybe it could be religious folks, priests, rabbis, pastor, whatever it is, therapists who can take a look at what's going on. And one point out, blind spots or where you guys aren't connecting, right? It can help you actually address things that are not really being addressed in the relationship. So if you're avoiding having a particular conversation that because it's uncomfortable, that will show up in a couple's counseling session. And flexing that muscle will help you have a model for how to have those tough conversations going forward. So if you have, if you tend to avoid conflict, this is really extremely helpful for you. If you have no problem with conflict, but maybe you lean a little bit too much into it. This could be really helpful for you on how to say what you need to say without being extremely cutting. Like, you know, there's a billion different ways you could say, hey, I don't like this. You know, it could be gentle, it could be, you know, physically, you know, terrible. But you get the point, right? There's different degrees of being direct, being indirect, and addressing things in a way where people can hear it. And that third person can really be a good sounding board or point out that, hey, did you hear what they said? You know, that's what they're, they're trying to do. How do you feel about what they're trying to do? Because that's how, you know, it sounds right now. So that could be profoundly important. The fourth thing to think about when you really want to build the best relationship possible and you know, was the surprising outcome from going to their couples therapy when things were great, is you build relationship antibodies or resilience, right? So the more that you have uncomfortable conversations, the more that you're checking in on your relationship, the more that you're communicating in a way where your partner, significant other or friend can hear you, the more resilient things will happen when things come up, right? So if there's conflict, if you've never had conflict with someone, that could be a huge stress point because you don't know how things are gonna go, right? And if you know, you can survive and figure out how to be in conflict together and still love each other or like each other, or still fight for the relationship, that will lead to better outcomes, lead to a stronger relationship going forward, or allow those uncomfortable and maybe intense things to come out that need to come out in relationships and everyone knows that it's going to be okay. So, you know, you build that relationship resilience by practicing those check ins communication and being comfortable in those uncomfortable topics that we all need to talk about. And the fifth thing that I found really neat about couples counseling that I absolutely loved is you get more present with your partner, right? When you're doing all these things, when you know the relationship is resilient, when you know you can talk about uncomfortable things, when you know that you're creating time and habits to talk about the relationship and be closer and communicating, you just are able to be there and be more for your partner than you thought. And that's a really great gift because we all know when people are not present. And so it's really hard to again, avoid things or avoid topics or avoid when you know that the other person's upset when you're very present with them. And so, so these are the five things that I found really helpful in couples counseling. And again, you know, we went to couples counseling to improve communication, but we found these other things to be extremely helpful. And it's stuff that has helped me in friendships, it's helped me be a better human being overall. Because, you know, one thing about humans is we're always relating to one another. And so when you realize that you have to care, you have to build a relationship, you have to put out effort to make it work. And of course, if you're a high performance coach, you're going to be pushing people to have amazing relationships and to level up their relationships and continue to level up those relationships. Because when you have a good group of friends and family around you, you're pretty much unstoppable. So, all right, just remember guys, that the enemy in any relationship is apathy. You want to care. People notice when you're not caring. So if you would in the comments below this video or you can reply back if you're on the newsletter, what are one or two things that you really took from this video that you like talk to you or resonated with you? That's the word, folks. I'd love to hear that as we go into talking more about relationships in February. With that said, I am Sean Butner, Certified High Performance Coach. Thanks for watching this video. Watch the next video if you liked it. Be sure to like and subscribe all that kind of jazz and we'll see you in the next video, folks. Take care. Sam.