A person describes entering "screensaver mode" when facing attacks on their identity: physically present but mentally absent, unable to create or function. They've learned to catch early warning signs like tension and speak up immediately, using their voice as a tool to stay present and block the shutdown before it takes hold.
Yeah, well, there's three things that came to mind. One is when I find myself closing down and this is something that I'm still working on. I. I hit a really low point over the past year and I think it was a mix of I was in the wrong community, I was in the wrong space, I was not being supported and was dealing with a lot of really aggressive things happening towards me and my identity. And I tend to go towards the invisible. That's my go to is make myself smaller, pick up less space, don't let people notice me, then. Then there won't be any lashing out. And I've noticed even now that I'm in, I feel like a really good space. Community wise, everything wise. That tendency can still creep up, so I can still go towards. Things are getting hard, things are overwhelming. I'm going to go invisible. My good friend calls it screensaver mode. I'm here, but I'm not really here, right? So I'm actually. My feelings, my thoughts, they're all deep way down in. And I'm, you know, showing up at dinner and I'm talking, but I'm not actually present and here in my full self. And so what I've been starting to do is when I get those rumblings in my body, I usually feel it in my body first. Like I feel off, I feel tense. Speak up is what I say in my head. When you feel like getting small, speak up. Something is happening that is causing me to not feel as safe, to not feel ready. So I think speaking up is huge. The other thing that is, sorry, going back to that, because when I don't speak up, then I get smaller, I get more invisible. And then, yeah, it's the can't get out of bed, it's the can't do the things I love and the creativity I want because of this interaction that's really problematic, right? And so how do I get myself out of it? I try not to get there. I work really hard not to get there. And it takes a lot of work, intentional work. And one of them is speak up.
