We Don't Build Enough Friendships

Most people are not satisfied with the amount of friendships they have in their life. And we're really bad at recognizing and developing those relationships. And you can take a look attheAmerican surveysigner.org and they said in 1990, there were 33% of people in the U.S. who said they had 10 or more close friends that were not directly related to them. And you contrast that with 2021, when 13% of Americans said they had 10 or more close friends that were not in families, then you can see that we are starved for those special relationships. So what I wanted to talk to y' all about today is what can we do to recognize good friendships and what can we do to develop good friendships? Because it's shown throughout life that your overall happiness is related to the close people you have. Your overall success is actually related to the amount of close friends that you have too. It's correlated. So it's really important to be constantly on the lookout for those positive, helpful, and needed relationships and friendships and closeness and to be developing those before you might need to rely on them. So that's what we're talking about today. So this is top of mind for me because I just got back from a three week trip where I needed to help my dad pack up his house and move across the country for some health reasons. And ultimately everything was fine. But it was really stressful. And it reminded me, you know, going back to Chicago where I grew up, just all those memories there, all the roots there, all my childhood friends that I'm still really close with today, and being around those folks and then, you know, being around family, it really struck me how fortunate I am, or I feel, more importantly that I feel about the quality of relationships that I have in my life. And I've been very fortunate over multiple iterations of my life. You know, from growing up in Chicago, to my college years in Indiana, to living in Arkansas, to being out here in California to have picked up some really amazing folks. And the culmination of that, on a side note, was when Ashley and I got married in 2019 and we brought all those people together and everyone jived and it was like, oh, we're really good at picking good people. She's really good at it too. So it felt really. There was a sense of pride there. There was a sense of wow. Like, it's amazing when you have people you can rely on or people that got your bag or people will call you out on your stuff. It's really just super helpful. And it was helpful doing this move with My dad, because, you know, I had some childhood friends that came through when I really needed some help, Some with physical labor, some with just venting and just dealing with a lot of the emotions of, like, tossing out a bunch of childhood stuff, you know? You know, trying to make those calls on, is this a family heirloom or is this just something that was trash that we should probably get rid of, like 2000 or no 1981 tax returns. Right. That was some of the older tax returns my folks still had or my dad still had when we were moving them out. But, you know, having those relationships, having. Being able to be like, hey, I know you got my back, like my ride or die people, and a lot of them are still back at home in Chicago, really is awesome. And it got me thinking that, you know, we in our friend group often talk about how we assume that everyone else has those relationships, and that's not the case. And it doesn't have to be. Right. I. I think part of it is we grew up together, so we had some close proximity. So I think that's a component to friendships or relationships in general. I think part of it is growing up together. We have some shared values. We'd already sorted that stuff out. And, you know, having had these friends for, like, 35 plus years in some cases at this point in my life, you know, you have people that know you sometimes a little bit more than you know yourself, or sometimes they're attached to the old idea. And that's a whole other video for y'. All. But really, like, I'm thinking about what makes those relationships special, what makes the newer friends and relationships and friendships that I've made over the years special because that served as a model, at least for me, on trying to find people that had certain characteristics. Right. I was always kind of looking to replicate that in my life, and I, again, feel very fortunate and feel like I've done a pretty dang good job finding people all across the states that fit that bill. So first big shout out to Dave, to James, to Jim, especially Jim and Shannon, to Nicole, to Emmanuel, to Jake, to all of these. These folks that made this past trip really easier than it would have been alone or without your help in each of your individual ways. So thank you to those special people in my life. Now, as I'm thinking about what makes a good friendship go right and what to look for, I have five things for you. Right? But before we get it, dig into that. If you are struggling with relationships in your life, that's a really great reason to Hire a coach, right? It's having someone that can reflect back what you're saying, maybe or try and help you get clear on what you really want in the relationship. A lot of people have frustration, but they don't know how to communicate it. And a lot of that is just not being super clear on what you want or what the ideal outcome would be in the situation. And the coach can really help you talk that out and can really help you find your words or clarify your thinking or kick out bad thinking. Like a lot of times people make bad assumptions about people and it's just not true. Right? There's no evidence to say that they're out to get you. It's just you're feeling grumpy that day because you didn't, you know, you skip lunch. And so that's really hunger that you're putting on this anxious frame onto how they worded that text message, you know, and so having a coach can help you clarify those things and help you work through some of those things, can help you check your assumptions so you're not misdiagnosing mal intention. And you know, hopefully and not hopefully. I know through high performance coaching in particular, it's not hopefully you will become a better communicator, a better person in that relationship and I'd love to help you and support that. So below this video there's a way for you to sign up and apply for a free one hour strategy session. So if you are dealing with relationship stuff or you're not getting the support that you want in your life enough, hit that link. We'll sit down for an hour and we'll go through that particular relationship and help and will provide a plan for you to move forward and, you know, hopefully resolve that. So got to stop saying the word hopefully. But you get what I'm saying. We will find the way for you to connect and communicate and make sure that you're not frustrated in that relationship. And yeah, it'll be great. So check the link below. Okay, so the first thing to think about when we're developing relationships with anybody but in particular friendships is positive intention. So are they projecting positive intention onto you? Are you projecting positive intention onto them? And you know, it's so natural when you have someone that's really close or a really close family member even, or spouse, right? When you know that they are viewing you with positive intention, that's a little bit of a relief. You know, you don't have to worry about being exact or 100% perfect. You know, there's A little bit of wiggle room and grace if there is a mistake made and it allows people to be comfortable interacting with you or interacting with them. Right. If you are positively putting positive intention on other people and they recognize that they're going to feel more comfortable with you. And so I think that's a secret power in any relationship. It's a secret power in leadership. But when it comes to what you want in a friendship and what you want to cultivate in a friendship, it's that positive intention. And if you are not getting that positive intention, it might be a sign that you might need to shift that relationship, you know? So what do I mean by that? That someone is always assuming the worst from you. It's like, oh, you know, when you said that you didn't want to hang out on a Friday night, it really is because you don't like me, right? It's like, no, I'm just an introvert and it's been a long week. You know, a lot of times, unless you are directly asking someone why they don't want to hang out or why whatever you are upset about, like, hey, did you mean for it to say this way? Like, I don't think you meant it to say this way. It came off that way. Am I reading that wrong? What? How did you intend to land that? That's a really good phrase. Like, how did you intend to land that? To ask someone and you'll find out either they're a jerk real quick or that it's like, oh, no, I just. I was tired. I just didn't want to hang out on Friday. I wanted to, you know, put on Netflix with my cat and just hang out, you know, so look for positive intention. Be sure to check that in yourself too, right? So if you feel frustrated or that someone has slighted you, you know, in a friendship or at work or any relationship, the first question I like to ask myself is, what is the best possible intention behind that? And write that down. And, you know, so write that question down, but also write down that response and be like, oh, like they're busy. Oh, their parent just died. Oh, they're being sued by their parent for a business that they're working on and they're really stressed out. Or, oh, there's all these different things where if we just had a little bit of curiosity and a little bit of exploration, you know, we would. It would solve so many miscommunications. So again, positive intention is something that makes any relationship go. And it's something that we. It's A skill that we can use ourselves to then help others get on that too. Second thing to look for and to facilitate in a friendship. A close friendship in particular is open, honest communication. If you're able to very explicitly say when you're unhappy or you have like, you know, not necessarily like the most positive feelings about a situation, if you can openly and honestly communicate it, that builds intimacy, right? When somebody feel. Because it could be very vulnerable to say, hey, this really made me upset and angry, or hey, like, this is how I'm feeling. How do we work through it? If you can't have that open, honest communication, People are always trying to guess what you want in a relationship, what your intention is in a relationship. And again, it's really, you know, important to be direct with your intentions too. So direct communication is super important. If you're not able to openly and honestly communicate, then you shut down. So if you've ever had a relationship where no matter what you said, it would be twisted against you, that is somebody's frustration coming out through trying to control the dialogue and the argument, like, that sucks. Nobody wants to be in that relationship. And you can't have that open conversation of like this, you know, anytime. If you're afraid to upset the other person because they'll flip out and you don't want to do that to them, you can't really have an intimate relationship. And if you can't have an intimate relationship, it's really hard to have a close friendship, right? Because if you're going to offend somebody with everything you do, that's gonna cause you to hold back. Third thing, okay, so we have positive intention directly Communicate your positive intention directly. Ask for positive intention to have open and honest communication. So being able to be vulnerable and addressing things that need to be addressed, to say things that maybe your friend doesn't want to hear, you're basically calling them out on their bs. When it happens in a way that that's not hurtful, it's just like, hey, this happened. This is how it is, is super important and something you should look for in close friendships. Third thing is essential to any relationship and leadership or negotiation is to have common calls. And what do I mean by that? It's why does the relationship work? Right? What do you have in common? It could be a hobby, it could be, you know, a particular set of music. It could be, you know, you work at the same place or dealing with the same stressors or, you know, there's so many different ways that we are similar to people and hooking into. And finding those common cause points can really help build a relationship. So for my friends back at home, you know, my very, very close friends, you know, we grew up playing Dungeons and Dragons, right? Because I'm a big nerd. They're big nerds. We still, to this day will play every, like, you know, a couple times each month. And it's awesome, right? And that hobby created so many wonderful memories growing up of just goofing off, making each other laugh, you know, having this kind of weird structure of a game that we're very creative and active in that, you know, that built that friendship really closely. I have other friends where, you know, know, when I was training for marathons, I had my friend Sean who, you know, trained with me, and we built a really close friendship through miles and miles and miles every day, right? And, you know, feeling dehydrated or, hey, it's too hot. What are we gonna. How are we gonna manage this or what? What do you wanna see today? Let's try to make a run route that goes by the cool waterfall or whatever, you know, so having those common causes, finding people that have those common links to us can really help lay a foundation. And this one is a little bit less like, you want to have some type of common cause for a long time, but at the very least, you have to both want to be in the friendship, right? Like, if someone is over it or has grown or moved on, and that happens, and that's okay. You know, you want to make sure that, you know, if they don't want to be in the friendship, it's going to make you upset. Or if you don't want to be in the friendship, you're just going to make them upset because the expectation of, hey, we used to hang out all the time, and now we're not doing that is going to get missed. Makes sense. Okay. Fourth thing you absolutely need in a strong, close friendship. So something to look for in a close friendship and to again, aspire to yourself. That's one hat. And then to try to build with people is personal accountability. Right. If you're in a relationship where everything is somebody else's fault, it's like, I'm upset because so and so made me upset, or you made me upset. It's not going to be a recipe for strong relationship. And I can think of a time in my life where, you know, I was the person that was always reaching out to people, and I was always trying to make sure that everybody was getting along. Everyone, you know, was coming together. Yeah, I was doing A lot of the outreach, and it wasn't reciprocal and it was burning me out, right? As someone that's introverted, you know, I started to, like, overanalyze things and like, well, maybe they don't want to really hang out with me. And it was funny because as soon as I stopped reaching out, the friendship stopped, right? It's like, oh, okay, like, not top of mind, like, cool. And it's a little painful going through that. Obviously, like, nobody likes to lose friends, especially if you like somebody. But, you know, again, like, people move on, life situations change, your common cause changes, or how you positively project, intention of people changes. And so, you know, those friendships are, you know, behind me. And that's cool, you know, And I think it's okay to let that happen and not get caught up in kind of the. Sometimes the pain that comes up with that. But you want somebody that, if you had to say, hey, like, you never call me, do you really want to hang out? And like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then they don't change. Or people that are like, hey, like, we had a big fight. Let me claim my role in this, right? Because most conflict in a relationship isn't just one person. It's how the two people relate, in my belief. And so if you're not able to say, okay, I can learn something from here, here's how I'm going to change. Here's how I'm going to make sure that this relationship that's important to me, it continues to. To continue without out that mindset. If it's like, oh, you need to fix this, it's just gonna be a world of frustration for the party that. That's putting in all the effort, or the people that are willing to learn and willing to put in the work. That's what this is, what it's really about. This is personal accountability is putting in the work, in the relationship, in a romantic relationship, in a work relationship, in a friendship, if somebody is not willing to figure out how to communicate, figure out how to solve problems, how to navigate conflict, it's going to be really hard to keep that friendship long term. And then the. Okay, so before we get onto the fifth, we have positive intention is number one, we have open, honest communication is the second point to look for, to aspire to and to build in the relationship and your friendship. Third is having a common cause, which could just be to have and maintain the friendship for personal accountability or the willingness to put in the work to make the friendship go or strengthen it to build intimacy, all that kind of Stuff. And then the fifth is to just actually actively invest in the relationship, right? Everyone knows and think about in your life, and maybe you've been this person where the only time you think of certain people or you're thought of from certain people is when they need something from you. And that gets old really quick and you're like, oh, you're just here when you need something. You don't really value me as a person. Everyone wants to be valued, understood, respected, and acknowledged, right? And if you're not actively trying to help people, help people move, help people, you know, talk through a situation, you know, just some mentorship or some. Hey, like, that really. That situation really sucks. You want to talk about it? How are you going to deal with it? Do you need me to help you solve it? Or you just need to vent, right? Because there's also that type of decision that needs to be made so you know how to respond appropriately. But it's. How are you there for your people? How are you building that closeness? How are you leveling up and investing in that relationship? So when you need help, it's not a transaction. It's like, oh, you're. Sean's a good guy. I'm going to help him out all the time. Or like, with any of my friends, like, if they asked me for anything, like, I'm there, right? Need a place to stay, stay on my couch. If you need somebody to move you, I'll move you. You know, wherever you need to go, I'll help the pack. I'll, you know, oh, just had a baby, let me cook food for you. Like, that's kind of just how my brain works in building those relationships with the people that I really care about. Not to say I don't care about that. If I had. If we are friends and you're watching this and I haven't done any of those things for you. You probably just haven't asked. Unless I don't like you. But you will know very directly, openly and honestly that I don't like you. But that's very, very few people out there in the world, any case, ask for help, right? And be willing to help and be willing to put into those relationships because it reciprocates. Again, it's very. It's very. It's so much easier to be like, that person has done so much for me. Of course I'm going to help them. Like, that's kind of the. The phrase you hope the people around you have. Like, of course I'm gonna help them. That guy is awesome has helped me with so much stuff. And if you're not that person, you're like, oh, no, that guy only takes like that. That can be really rough. Especially if you absolutely need help. There's not people around and you're like, why am I alone in this? Right? And it's so important to not feel isolated, not to not feel like you're alone in life, you know, just from a happiness standpoint. So again, those are my five things to look for, aspire to, and build into your close friendships. It's having that positive intention when you know people are acting to have open and honest communication, to have common cause, to have that personal accountability and put in the work to make the relationship work and then to invest in the relationship so that. And then be generous. That's another word for that. Be generous in a relationship so that when you need help, it's of course I'll help you. I think that served me as a really great model for building all of my amazing friendships based on those guys that I know from high school who absolutely adore and love and again, would do anything for. So who are those people in your life? You know, I'm curious as we're talking through this, like, who are the people in your life that you can rely on that you know, got your back? It will call you out on your stuff that are putting in the work that are, you know, accountable for how they show up in that relationship and do the work to make sure that they're the best people that they could be and therefore the best friends that they can be. Think through that. If you have things that you look forward and or look for it in with your close friends, please post that below where you're watching this video on YouTube or on the blog. We'd love to hear from you or reply back to the email that you received. If you're on the newsletter and just let me know what you guys look for because I'm always super interested. But these are five things that I absolutely, absolutely look at and look for and look to build in my coaching relationships, friend relationships with my spouse and all that. So hope it served you guys. And again, if you are struggling in your friendships and you need someone maybe to just talk through some stuff or to get your mindset clear on it, schedule a strategy session with me with the link below. People love the strategy call. Takes like 15 minutes to fill out the application. And you schedule, you pick your options, you go from there and talking. So we'll build you again a personal strategy plan for you to implement in relationships or just to help you perform better. Because I'm a high performance coach. That's what I do. With that said, guys, go out there, build close relationships, and we'll see you in the next video. Take care. If you liked this video, please like and subscribe. Also, check out this video over here. If you want some more personal development or to learn more about living your personal beautiful revolution. See you guys there. Take care.