When Nobody Is Watching - What We Tell Ourselves To Prevent Progress

So often what gets in the way of people's progress is the things that they tell themselves, right? It's excuses on why they can start tomorrow or next year to take that job, to start that business, to transfer jobs, to move to a different town, to ask that person out, to start to get back into their health, to. Then the list goes on and on and on. And. And why is that? Like, there's a bunch of different, very valid ways and reasons why people can't start going next. But it's something that I constantly encounter in coaching. And I'll share with you a quick framework to walk through how to help people overcome the excuses that come up in their lives. Hey, everyone, this is certified high performance coach Sean Buttner. And this is Coaching Moments. So we're doing a quick video series for a new YouTube series that I'm doing where we'll do quick moments of coaching to show you the power of high performance coaching and how it really helps people move forward in their lives. So there's a link below if you're interested in that. But before we explain what's down there, let's get into the video. So excuses, the things that we tell ourselves that get in our own way, generally come in three big buckets, right? It's personal reasons, it's social reasons, and it's operational reasons. Right. And why is it important to identify that? And why is it important to then work through that type of a framework? Well, I mean, one, like when you say, hey, you know what? I don't feel like I can handle taking on more at work or taking that next responsibility or taking that next step in a relationship. It's a very valid reason, right? It's not that it's silly. It's not that it's something that so many other coaches or so many other folks would just be like, oh, you just got to get over it and get into action. And it's very flippant. And that's not what we do here in high performance coaching. And I would say that's not what a good coach or good mentor or if you have a friend or, you know, whoever is your support group, if they're really going to be helpful and move you through that, it's going to be with an acknowledgement that that's a very real thing for you. But what we can do is, and this is the power of coaching, talk through why that's a big reason for you or an excuse. And sometimes it might be a very valid reason, too. So there's a lot of Exploring that has to be done. There's a lot of digging into, you know, what's. What's going on. And a lot of times, if you can identify, is it a personal, social, or operational block for the person or for yourself, then you can start to figure out what. What you might need to do. So if we take a look at that framework, then, of personal reasons, social reasons and operational reasons, and why people don't advance or take action, you know, let's talk about personal reasons, right? So sometimes, especially in a coaching relationship, we'll get the. I'll hear the phrase, oh, I've tried everything here on how to market my business. So I've tried everything here to get my spouse to understand me or I've tried everything here, you know, to get into the best health or to whatever. Right. And that is my cue as a coach to get into brainstorming. Right. Because most people, if you've tried everything, that means you've been really good at tracking everything you've done and measuring results and then reforming and tweaking those actions to see how you can get better to the next level. And so there's a lot to unpack there. When you feel like you tried everything, really, what you're saying is, my perspective isn't getting me the results that I want. Right. That's a cue to engage your communities or to engage your mentor or coach to help, say, okay, like, what worked, what hasn't worked, what have you tried? Who do you think is really, you know, crushing it in this particular area? And what do you think they're doing differently from you? And so this shift of perspective is what's really helpful in coaching and has really helped coaching clients, you know. And, you know, for example, one of my clients that I've talked about a little bit so far, Sky James, you know, was crushing at work, kind of feeling exhausted at the end of the day, trying to, you know, be a dad and a good partner, and also wanted to take care of his health and could not get consistent runs or workouts in after work. And that's why he came into coaching. And so he's like, I'm struggling with being really consistent with this health thing, and I've tried everything, and I know what I need to do, and it's just not happening. And I'm frustrated. Right. I think we've all been in that type of position before, and really it was okay, like, what? Where's an area in your life where you see, you know, that consistent, you know, consistency show up in a way that. That you like. And so we're talking, and he brings up. He's like, you know, it'd be really. I really thrive. The client really thrives in having a social like, oh, look, I did this, right? And so that the family could talk about it, he's like, you know, it really worked. It sounds kind of fun, even though it sounds kind of silly, Sean. And I'm like, oh, what is this? And he's like, he leans in because we're on zoom. And he's like, my son had a sticker chart for behavior, and when he did good, he got a sticker. And when he didn't, you know, we'd have a talk about it. And I think that might work. So maybe that's the thing that I need to try. And so that brainstorm of, you know, I've tried everything and like, oh, I don't. Didn't try. Hit sticker chart, right? For this particular thing was exactly the thing that ended up helping him get consistent on his workouts moving forward, because he had to show his family every morning or every afternoon when he got home from work that he did his workout by putting a sticker on the calendar, on the sticker board, or whatever he had. And so that's the power of coaching, right? And that's the power of different perspective and having a process and set of questions that can help unlock those different areas of our life that we can actually leverage. Like, so many people actually have the answers or so close to the answer, but they just needed a different way to look at the problem or the different way to look at solutions to move forward. So, you know, that's an example of a personal reason getting in your way, in that I've tried everything, and it's not working. I know what I need to do, and I can't do it. And then brainstorming, actually breaking you through on that. Other folks, personally, and I get this a lot as a coach, are like, I'm just too busy. My schedule is too packed. I don't have enough time in the day to do the work thing, do the commute thing, take care of the kids, and, you know, manage everything else that you need to as a human being. And so in this particular case with clients, my favorite thing to do is to get in their schedule, right? So, like, let's pull up your calendar, and that's really, you know, explore what's important to you, and how does that show up on your weekly calendar or your monthly calendar if we went back the last month, how. If you Say, hey, it's time with the kid is super important, and we open up your calendar and there's no time scheduled for your family in the last month. Then, you know, that's a conversation we get to have and kind of brainstorm. But you know what the real power in this exercise is if, you know, time with the kids important, but, you know, time doing this extra, you know, project at work where you're not actually contributing, like, so it's just kind of wasting time identifying those things that are not important. Not advancing your goals is super key into freeing up time and opening up space for what is. And so is that delegating? Is that just getting it off your calendar saying, I can't do this? And I love doing this with high performers, because sometimes we get so used to just checking off things on the to do list and getting a lot of momentum there that we forget that sometimes, like, the quality and impact of each of those tasks is important to remember. And it's important to be clear that we're only working on things that are advancing our interests and our projects and our ambitions and our organizations and the way that they need to be, or it's, you know, again, being delegated. So that's a really awesome example of, you know, making sure that you're clearing out and only focusing on the important things. Because, yeah, a lot of times when it comes to I'm too busy, it's. I'm not prioritizing the right things enough. And so that's a big truth there. The third kind of big personal reason that people often have as an excuse or a reason why they're not advancing is they get stuck in, oh, I tried this three times. It didn't pan out. It's always the way. It never works out for me. Right? I asked three people out on a dating app. Nobody wrote back. I am a terrible person. And you take it personally. And so you give up, right? Or you're like, I don't really think that I can do this. Right? I. I don't. I'm too old to get another job has been something I've heard quite a bit this last couple years. And, you know, that's a really terrible feeling. It's not really motivating. It doesn't really serve you. And getting out there, having conversations, getting your resume out in that particular circumstance. And so how do you really shift here? Right. Well, first off, if it's. It's something that's traumatic or something that keeps getting in your way, you're like, oh, I keep Thinking about this time where it didn't work, and I can't get past it. This is actually a time where, as a coach, I might say, you know what, you should go seek a therapist. Somebody who specializes in, you know, these past experiences that. That hold you back with their own specific tools, and it's. It's great. And like, coaching is not really going to help you until you can move past that. So that's kind of the first thing that I look for as a coach. But beyond that, it's people a lot of times not feeling what the goal is, Right? So in the, you know, job search where you're like, I feel like I'm too old, you don't really get excited about a new job where you can contribute your experience, your years of expertise to a new organization and how that might feel different than where you were. And so really connecting to that goal, connecting to that shift, that change in a way where you're feeling it emotionally and not just intellectually, can get you excited and get you back in the game. And I've seen that happen tons and tons of times, too. So some social reasons that really hold people back, you know, sometimes people don't start things or people don't change because in my experience as a coach, they fear that sense of embarrassment or that sense of they're going to fail. And their, you know, family will see it, their friends will see it, co workers will see it, and everyone will laugh at them and they'll get all this hate on, you know, social media and all that kind of stuff. And, you know, that's a really kind of heavy thing to be holding. But, you know, if you are so afraid of putting yourself out there to make a change for yourself, for your family, for your health, of course it's going to be really hard to get into action because nobody likes to feel those things. But a lot of times, you know, if you look at a lot of what the Stoics wrote, you know, Marcus Aurelius and Seneca, all those guys, ancient Roman Stoics, you know, that if you really feel through what the embarrassment that you fear, like, oh, I feel like my family really would, you know, come down hard on me if I don't succeed in this business. And, like, what's really. What are they going to say to you? What are they going to critique you on? That's really going to hurt you, Especially if you're taking a bold action towards something you believe in, something that's in your heart, something that is in, you know, you have this calling you're taking a chance to make something happen in your life. And what I found in my life and what I found in a lot of my clients, that when you take that. That bolt step and you're very clear about where you want to go, people get excited for you. People admire that sense of purpose, that sense of clarity. And if that sense of purpose and clarity is super strong, even if people are, like, start to make fun of you or, you know, like, you feel that sense of embarrassment because you're trying something new, that sense of mission can override those feelings of embarrassment and failure. So it's really important to be thinking about, what's my purpose here? What's my mission here? What. How's this helping other people? And is that bigger than the embarrassment or the fear of failure? Right. That's the simple equation for it. And that's such a powerful thing when you can talk through that with someone and they can realize, like, oh, like, no, this is so much more important than that, those feelings. So that's kind of how you. You work. You know, the fear of embarrassment and failure from, you know, keeping you back and to making sure that again, you're feeling that sense of purpose also, like, along those lines, like, so many people are like, I want to change jobs, but I'm afraid my spouse isn't going to support me. That, you know, why would you change something that we understand and that's comfortable for something that's a little bit more risky and a little bit more uncertain? And, you know, this is, again, another huge problem that people face all the time, and it's a big thing. But sometimes that's why a coach can help you, because they're focused on helping you achieve your goals, fully supporting you, fully, cheering you on. That's why sometimes you need to get around other folks. You join communities. You join people that are on the journey yourself. So you might do a meaningful Revolution monthly program, something that I offer. Didn't plan on sharing that in this video, but that's an example. There are tons of tons of folks in personal development or with any interest you can think of that have a community of people that will cheer you on, that will support you if you need other folks. But sometimes, too, it's when it comes to, like, a spouse not understanding, you just need to explain it to them in a way that they resonate with. And so I'm thinking back, like, three years ago, I had a client right before the pandemic. We signed up and, like, January, and then, you know, started meeting, like, every Other week in February. And So by the third session, it was March 2020, and that's when the pandemic hit and everything was kind of going uncertain. And, you know, I could tell that from talking with her that her spouse was kind of like, what is this high performance stuff? That's a lot of money. Like, why are we spending money on this? Could you not. And it was kind of maybe not as it didn't feel like. I felt like the client felt that she wasn't really supported in this. And so as, as the coach, I'm like, well, let's get her in the game. And, you know, we got her enrolled in coaching also, which is really nice, having spouses that are kind of having that shared experience and they could talk about it together outside of the coaching thing, but that's a whole other type of story. But getting her in to experience high performance coaching for herself, she's like, oh, I get what this is about now. I get this is helping my partner shift and go after their dreams in these particular ways. And so that was really effective in helping my client get the support of her spouse. And so that's an example of sometimes you can bring people in to actually experience the thing that that'll help. If you can't get them to experience what you're trying to. Like you're trying to build a business, but you don't. Can't really invite them in on how do you building a quick business. So they get it. But maybe you can explain how you're struggling in your business, how maybe you can be a little bit more vulnerable in your fears and your concerns. Because sometimes, you know, from the spouse's perspective, if you're all like, hey, this is going to be great. There's going to be no problems. People are like, that doesn't sound right. That sounds weird. I don't understand what you're doing. How can I actually. I don't actually know how to support you in as you go forth and do this. So in that case, you know, it's having discussions. It's, you know, again, being vulnerable. It's sharing what's going on, but it's also having you paint that picture of the future that you have for yourself, for your family, for the family, for your spouse, or the people around you too. So it's like, I am doing this so I don't have to commute. I can work from home. I can spend more time with the kid. And like, oh, okay, that's a much easier picture to rally behind than I'm starting a business and we're spending a lot of money and. And you might not see me a lot, right? So that's kind of the difference in how you might get around getting support for your dreams. And then sometimes people fear that when they act that they're not gonna meet their responsibilities, right? So you have a family and you wanna feed them, you want them to have a place to stay. You want to live a particular lifestyle. And maybe shifting careers or shifting jobs or starting that business would mean sacrificing or putting in jeopardy, that comfort, the food, the roof over your head, that kind of stuff. And so that fear of, like, it's also kind of, again, a fear of failing. But it's a different type of problem to work through because maybe you have to work two jobs for a while. Maybe you're doing your side hustle and your main hustle. Maybe it's a, you know, coming up with a plan of and brainstorming. I've had clients where it's like, okay, I need to make sure that I can cover all the bills and take care of the family, but I also need to change how do we work this? And then through conversation, it's like, well, maybe, oh, I have to save a year's worth of salary before I can, you know, change this. And then I have, you know, six months to make it work. And if it doesn't work, then I have to get another job. And so it's building those contingency plans, and that's different for everyone. So. But, you know, I've had a lot of clients that very nobly and very rightfully. It's not calling this episode excuses, but it is a good reason to hold back on blowing up your life. Right. And neglecting some of those financial or family responsibilities just because you want to change. And so that's a very real thing that people have to address. And coaching is really good with that too. So, okay, so those are some social reasons that get in the way of people really acting boldly towards their goals. Third, kind of, again, bucket in this framework is operational, right? So. And then. So this is probably the easiest for people to understand. And this is the majority of people that I've actually personally coached. It's been, hey, I had this big, I want to start a business. I want to change. Like, my job stinks, and I want to go on to the next thing. I don't know what that is. Or it's. I know I want to really get into the best health, and I know how to do it. But I don't know how to execute it. Right. So in each of these cases, and we've talked about them earlier a little bit, is there's this big idea that people have, and it's very crystal clear. And so they have the clear vision, the clear goal, the clear ambition to go after, but it's too big, right. They don't have the way to break it up into smaller parts that are a little bit more achievable. And another really good example, I had a client a couple years ago who was in a conversation with his spouse about expanding the family and what that would mean. And like, as he's like, I'm listening to him and he's like, yeah, you know, she wants more space and, you know, she wants the third kid. And all I can think about is financially, how are we going to change houses, another kid, that's another mouth to feed. And like, financially, there's some implications there. And so we start to talk about it, we both get frustrated with each other, and then we clam up and just watch tv. It's like, okay, in my, like, reflection to him on that, it's like, oh, like, so you guys both are on board with a big family, but you guys have different concerns, right? And they're not even competing concerns. It's. It's like a financial bucket. It's, you know, a living space bucket. It's, where are you going to live? Location bucket. It's a lifestyle thing. And so we kind of brainstorm a couple of different smaller areas or topics and then talking through, it's like, if you had a conversation of, like, how would expanding our family impact our current living situation? Right? So the living space where we have to get into a house or we not, you know, and is that a thumbs up, thumbs down, or sideways type thing? And you have that discussion one night and then the next night you have a discussion on like, okay, if we need a bigger house, this is how it's going to impact our financials, right? And this is kind of what we need to survive. And all that kind of breaking down, like taking the big idea of expanding the family and bringing it into these different little blur buckets for discussions. Got that conversation rolling. And so they were able to come to an actual decision, right? So this is how you, you end up making a decision sometimes is if it's too big, you break it down into smaller parts. And, or, you know, if you're running a marathon, you don't start with running 26.2 miles. You break it down to a four month plan where, you know, every day you have to run three miles or four miles or whatever it is. And then there's a weekly trend of increasing and decreasing. So you start big, but you have small bite sized chunks that can get you moving and get you forward. And so that's usually the big operational hurdle is it's either getting clear on that big idea or if you're really clear on that big, big idea. So you know, you're either there or you need to get there as the first step and then it's breaking it down into smaller steps that are a little bit more consumable, give you a couple of quick wins, get you moving forward and it's really amazing. So, and the last type of excuse, right, or reason that prevents people from taking actions is they just don't have the skill, right? You're like, oh, I want to work at Apple, but I've never programmed a line of code in my life and they won't hire me and I'm really upset about that or I'm afraid that because I only have a little bit of experience here that they're not going to even look at me. And so with clients like this, really it's just getting in the game, right? And sometimes you need to start, sometimes you have to start working it. And by working it, I mean getting the rounds in just getting reps in getting the experience. And because like lack of skill. The good thing about lack of skill is skill can be learned. And it's just a function of how actively are you focused on it, how are you growing in the skill, how are you measuring it and are you getting around the right people to make sure that you're advancing your life. Excuse me. And sometimes that's, you know, again, a coach can help you identify that coach can help you create that action plan to get the skills that you need to go and reach that big goal of working at a big tech firm or working at a big engineering firm, or working at a big law firm or whatever it is, you know, skills can be learned. And again, there's a process for identifying and making sure that that happens. So, all right, so these again are a lot of the common excuses that, or reasons that prevent, valid reasons that prevent people from moving forward. But as a coach, this is how I think through those excuses. And again, you know, it's all through a structured process. And so I think that's the power of high performance coaching in particular. And if you are like, hey, like I really need you identified with any of these Reasons like, oh, I have that. That pops up in my head. I'd love to sit down with you and have an hour strategy session where we talked about that, we talked about your life. You figured out a plan for you to get moving and get moving forward and getting that momentum. So if that's you below this video there's a link to get a free one hour strategy session. And the catch there is it's public. So I'll take clips of it to post on this new YouTube video series of coaching moments where I'll cut it up so you don't get the whole session but you'll let me use it to show others how high performance coaching works and how amazing it is. But if you're like, I'm shy or I'm introverted or I don't want this all going out and you're worried about that, there's an option to pay for the session to make it private. That's 197. $197 for that hour strategy session. So it's the same session whether you do it free or you do it private. Give you the option to how you feel. If you're like, yeah, whatever, we'll let it go. Of course, if we talk about something super deep or super sensitive, I'm not inclined to post that on YouTube or anything. So we can negotiate that a little bit if it's going to get really deep because I don't want you to hold back. But the expectation is that it is something that can be used for helping others get inspired and learn how coaching works. So if you're with me, click the link below and sign up and apply for that our strategy session, either free or for 197 for that hour. Check that out. Check out the previous videos on common reasons why people hire coaches. You know, in the last video we talked about burnout. In the video before that we talked about procrastination and. And real quick, our next video is going to be how to handle overwhelm because that's something that people have to handle all the time. And then we will finish with self doubt and hopefully we'll have enough of you guys reaching out so we can start highlighting you and your journeys and we can celebrate you. We can cheer you on. We can get you that plan that'll help you advance your life. I'd love to highlight and help you in any way that I can, you know, as a coach. That's how I help people as coaching. So take me up on that. We'll see you guys soon. Talk soon. And this is Sean Butner saying live with joy, personal growth and impact in your communities. We'll see you next week. It.