A 51-year-old reflects on two years of major transitions: moving houses, launching a new college curriculum approved by CRPO, and navigating family dynamics. She examines how past experiences shape her sense of control, the importance of open communication with family, and her commitment to physical self-care and routine as anchors through uncertainty.
Chapters
Okay. Oh, here's where I could totally have a spiral. It's happening right now as I stand here. What am I doing? Seriously. I'm so anxious. Oh my God, that's even better. I am so anxious. I'm in this house. It has changed again. It was supposed to be one thing, and then it was another, and then another, and here we are in the last chapter. If Sean buys it, there's another. If he doesn't, there's another. How do you— how are decisions made, really? When I think about it, every single decision I make, I could totally be making a different one, 100%, safer one, an easier one, one that is less stressful. But here I am. Whew. Made another decision. People don't really give me advice because I can justify and validate anything. I'm the only one that really matters in my own head. But am I giving myself good advice? Shawn has many different thoughts than I do. And I value them, but in realism as well, all the ones that I've made have worked out really well. Would they work out better if I took steps forward instead of zigzagging? Would they work better if I stood still and kind of waited and looked? But each choice has pros and cons, and I can overthink, overtalk those pros and cons over and over again. There's no end. There's always risks every single time, and the risks are big every single time. And every single time, every single time, the safes feel safe, but they— I, I recognize that they will suffocate me again. Every time I've made change, it's because I was feeling like I needed more. Some say that needing more is not positive. Others say that it is reckless. It is just me. I don't think anyone would make the choices I make or do the things I do On their own accord. But this is the life I've been granted in front of me, behind me. I've dealt with all of these things without any control. I have no control over what my brother-in-law did, what my ex-husband did, my kids' medical, the medical system, what they can do. My brother and his journey, death, cancer, smoking, anger. I have no control over any of that. I have no control. People think that I— people think— forget that. I often check in because I think I need so much control. And I do. I like to control my environment so that I can feel safe to take risks and not feel anxious. That is what I know about me. I know the college is going to be approved. How do I know that? I know the curriculum is strong. People have said it. CRPO did approve most of it. The ministry has gotten us this far. The curriculum writer was really amazed with his output, as was I. We need this college. When I tell people about it, they're so excited. Everyone's just waiting for it to open, like me. But you know, here's these places of Ethical legality. CRPO is going to check it over one more time, and we've added in all the pieces and made it even more— um, we gave it more depth and more connection to culture and community and generational patterns of behavior that limit our belief system and keep us in this crazy gender-identifying pushback. I don't want to Leave me alone attitude instead of, okay, your generation is going to change. What are you changing? Why don't you keep some of the things that kept us really good? Definitely tattoos and piercings and what you look like. You can do anything you want now, but do you have to always be outside the box ridiculous in overcompensating for everything? Do you? Yeah, sure, sometimes. Maybe sometimes you can just bring it in for some of the other populations that are getting used to it. Let's compromise. If you don't shout at them difference, they don't have to shout at you, I can't handle this. So there's pieces of conversation too with your parents. I know you guys did the best you could. I'm not even mad. I get it. I'm sucking at parenthood my way. But please, just let's have the conversation. Here's what you did which impacted me. I'm going to take responsibility for making change, but you take responsibility for putting that out there. Needs to be a dialogue and a conversation. Let's change that. Parents and children want to continue talking and working together. If you want to talk and work together, communication in a safe and Acceptive space is necessary. I've created that with my children. They can tell me anything, say anything, own up to anything, and I'm like, okay, wow, same way I would a friend. That is your life, do what you do. What do you need from me? Do you want help? Do you want me to jump in as mom, friend, sister? Who do you need me to be? Communication, self-awareness. We know that piece. Self-maintenance. How are you keeping all your shit together every day? And when you go off track, what do you do to come back? My body is aching. I did not stretch. I did not eat properly over the 3 days that I moved and painted. I'm 51 years old after an injury. My body was not happy with me. It is really just hurting. So I'm going to give it some love and tender care because I did not take care of it and it has a right to be mad at me. If I watch someone else do what I did, I would be mad at them. So take ownership for yourself. Self-reflection, self-care, self-awareness, self-care. Know your routines. You know, routines are good. The rest of your life flows. It does. And then there's the relationships that feed all the other pieces. And let's talk about organization. When you live an organized life and you find your ways of organization, when you figure that out— and you— it's a constant journey every time you change— everything else around you works better, especially if you talk about it to others. I need this to get this. I need help here. I need this. Let me do this with you. We need that kind of communication as well to build our relationship. So organization in self and routines helps you build relationships, self-maintenance, and we can do this. We can flow, right? That's what we want to do. So I got to the house. I'm going to take a shower because I have no shampoo or anything there, and I don't want to rush Bye. So I'm gonna take a shower, I'm gonna do my hair, I'm gonna see my clients, and I'm gonna get all dressed up in my winter gear and go to the rally tonight. That's today. Let's get on it. See you soon.
