🎥 What is Loneliness? | Understanding the Hidden Layers of Disconnection

Okay.

Hey, welcome to Karma Cares Community 5 Flow, all about loneliness. I'm here with 2 of the students who've been working on a great, uh, project about how to alleviate loneliness. I'm gonna let you— them introduce themselves, and then we're gonna get talking about the conversation.

Hi, Shawna. My name is Mercy, everyone, and I've been a placement student at CommaCare's community. Been working on the project Loneliness, and it's been an inspiring experience so far. Hi, nice to meet you all.

They come from a program called RYPEN. They're doing projects for their degrees, hands-on, part of community.

Hi everyone, my name is Austin, and I'm also excited to doing my placement at Kama Cares. Um, it's been an awesome experience working with Shawna as my placement supervisor. She's been an awesome guidance to helping me achieve my goals during my placement as a wellness person at Kama Cares, and I'm excited to be here today to share on loneliness and how to overcome loneliness. Thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome. It's been a great opportunity. It's really nice when you're working on projects to have young minds directing the information from their perspective. It's one thing from my perspective where I am in my life versus where they are in their lives, coming to a country, trying to assimilate, get educated, and do everything that we kind of sometimes take for granted. And that loneliness really does play into when you're busy with all your things in your life, how do you also have a social life? And meet people, right? Like, it's hard, and I don't know, but sometimes like that loneliness really stops you. Okay, so they've written a great script that we're gonna try and follow and see how it goes. So bear with us and let's see what happens. Let's go!

Okay, hi everyone, welcome back! And we're so excited talking about a topic that, you know, we feel like is a very important topic that we need to talk about. In regards, um, the topic is, um, once again loneliness. And, um, here with us we have Shawna, who is an expert, you know, she's gonna guide us.

Expert in loneliness, how not to be lonely.

What to do and what exactly loneliness is like. I mean, first we're talking about, um, what to do or what lonely— um, or what to do about loneliness. We need to first of all like understand what loneliness is, you know. So we have her here with us to, you know, guide us through what loneliness is.

Okay, Austin, take it away.

Yes, so diving through this script today, um, as a placement student at Karmarkes, I think one of the things I have noticed or observed, or personally happens to me too, is that loneliness is something people don't talk about.

Right.

Yeah, you know, the first time I came to— when I came into Canada, it was difficult for me going through that phase and talking about it because there are no families, you've not made friends. So it's something that we go through and it's very difficult for us to talk about it. It's a challenge. And some of us don't want to talk about it because we feel that if we talk about it, then we'll be stigmatized and then, you know, So many things going on in our head that we're not talking about. So we want to really know exactly, um, Shawna, what is loneliness?

Yeah, loneliness is that place where you make a change, you want something, and you don't understand all the pieces that go around it. You know, you sit in your country thinking, I'm gonna go to Canada for a dream, Well, that sounds really good. People tell you what it's gonna be like, and then you get here and there's no bridge to integrating, right? You get off the plane, you go somewhere, maybe you have one or two people, maybe a religious organization, a sponsor, but then you have to build your everyday.

Mm-hmm.

You just lost your family. They're back home. You don't have the friends that you've made along the way. You're not sure where you're going, what you're doing every day. That feeling is like confusion.

Yeah.

And then you're, well, I just got here. I can't be— I can't be ungrateful and complain. And you have to stay positive. So when loneliness sets in, that feeling of isolation, I don't know what I'm doing, I'm confused, you are fighting with yourself to what goes next. Sure, right? Where do I go first? How do I do this? How do I do that? What if I say something? Will someone make fun of me? Judgment is inside of loneliness.

Yeah, definitely. You know, that makes more sense. Like, okay, so when I first moved here to Canada, I finally had families here. My mom, my dad, my brother, they're here. I mean, you think that, okay, someone like me who has like a practically a whole family here before me— they came before me— I wouldn't feel lonely. But I was so shocked That it got to a point where I was kind of even sad to wake up and get ready and go to school because still, fine, I had family, his family's here, but there was just, you know, something still missing. I still felt disconnected. I'll go on social media, I'll check on my friends back home. It's like everybody has just moved on with their life.

Yeah, and you're gone. Yeah, you know, you go back to FOMO, right? Fear of missing out. You come here for something, your family's there, but there's a place of empty inside of you and you don't know how to fill it. Yeah, right.

I can remember constantly my dad coming to meet me in the morning. Are you okay? What's wrong? Because I'm also the kind of person that I don't really open up a lot. So he got so frustrated and so angry at me that, so what is happening? But I'm not supposed to tell him that I'm feeling lonely. Like, you have your family here, you have your mom, you have your brother and everything. So what exactly is making you feel lonely? But then, right, so hard to, you know, come up and talk about that, you know.

So when you say that, something goes in my brain. Lonely is a feeling that we can't even explain.

True, right?

Because you feel it even though you have— like, I, I have a wonder— I live in a wonderful place, I have lots of friends, I have family, I have all the same things, I still feel lonely.

Yeah.

Lonely is there's something inside of me that's not satisfied, and I don't know how to find it. I don't know what's in the way of it. I don't know how to figure out why I'm feeling this way and what to do next. Who do I talk to? And then you said you're not comfortable sharing. We're not raised in any of our families or cultures to really talk about our feelings openly. They get in the way of what we're trying to do every day.

Sure.

We're working so hard to make money, build our education, do something. Lonely is like at the end of the list. Meanwhile, it's at the top of our mind, right?

Yeah. So, you know, Mercy, you spoke about the fact that you had your families— your family here, you had your dad, your mom, and then you still felt lonely. So a quick question just before we go on. Does that mean that it's possible to be in the midst of people, lots of people, or have social media friends and have people around, and yet you are still lonely?

Yeah, think about it. The lonely is that feeling you have of just not fitting in, not knowing your identity, who you are, Where you go next, right? You stand here in this place of being an adult. What does that mean? So lonely would be, do I have friends that really care about me? Who would I call in an emergency? If it's only your family, then yeah, you're lonely because you don't have other people you've made outside of your family. If you have a job but you go to work and you don't talk to anyone, you go home empty. That's lonely.

Yeah.

You go somewhere and you're working so hard and it's not satisfying, you're not gaining something, you're just working to get ahead when you're not satisfied, that's lonely, right? When we don't have purpose and we don't have a plan and the people around us and we feel good That could be lonely, right? I think everyone needs to fit in somewhere into a community. And I, I believe with social media, our communities became too big. There's too many options. So even starting is overwhelming. Like, where would you go first?

Okay, so, um, my next question is actually supposed to be asked by Elsie. You're gonna go about them. Do you want to ask it about the signs of loneliness?

Yeah, um, so we just want to, you know, sometimes it's difficult for us. Since it's difficult, we've made it clear that this is something that's difficult to talk about. There may be some signs that we may see to say, okay, this is what loneliness is and this I'm feeling. So what are those signs that we may want to look out for In recognizing that this person is going through a lonely phase?

Okay, I'm gonna ask one question on that question. Who's looking at the loneliness? Like, I'm not looking at other people and looking at their loneliness. So the signs of loneliness are hard because who's looking at the person who's lonely? Usually when you're lonely, you're on your own. People don't know you're lonely. So what instead if we ask the question, what can we do to ensure that the people we see every day or around us or we meet are okay? What could we do every day? So I'm gonna go back to something you wrote here that you sent me, the types of loneliness. So there's emotional, when you feel like you're missing a deep, meaningful connection.

Yeah.

So that one is for, let's say, people in your life. Do you check in on them and say, do you have— are you okay? Are you well supported? Do you have plans on the weekend? Are you okay with the plans you have? If you don't have plans, do you want plans? If you want plans, what kind of plans do you want? I think when you ask your question, it's always being curious when you meet people. So we don't want to say something, but if someone asks us a question, it's much easier to ask a question than to put your feelings on the table. So if I said to you, how was your weekend? Did you enjoy your weekend? Did you— were you fulfilled? Did you have some fun? If I ask those questions, I can net out what you were doing. If you're like, well, I stayed home all weekend and did my homework. Did you do your homework because you needed to or because you had nothing else to do?

Right.

So it's being curious. There's social isolation when you don't feel like you belong to a group or a community. Well, that is, if you've got friends, colleagues, what do you do to share your knowledge, share your learning, share your feelings? Where do you go? So where is your community? Are you doing an activity? Are you doing a hobby? Are you going to a religious place? Are you going to school in person?

Yeah.

Where would you find— if you don't have any of those things in person, would you go to a gym or a community center, to a drop-in? It's your responsibility to fill your life with experiences to alleviate loneliness, and that's the place where Mental health and therapy can come in. How do we find those places? Right? There's situational loneliness. That's when you have a transition of any kind. Whenever you have change, you have to reevaluate your whole life, and you feel uncomfortable. So maybe loneliness is that place of uncomfortable too. Right? And chronic loneliness. If you are in a place where you have an inner critic— do you know what that is, an inner critic?

No. Um, criticizing yourself?

Yeah, you know, when you tell yourself, oh, nobody likes me, I don't fit in, that voice that's like, I'm never gonna be good enough. If you have that voice in your head that's louder than any other voice, or someone telling you, you can do it, I'm so proud of you, you got this, good for you. If you don't have that person in your life and your inner critic is really loud, That would be chronic loneliness. It's going to hold you hostage. How are you going to go out and say, I'm going to get in the elevator and talk to somebody, right? If, if you think that nobody wants to talk to you, you're not worthy, you're gonna hold— continue to be held hostage in your body.

Wow, wow, that's so— that's such a high hope now, right? Like, so thank you so much, Shawna. It's— I mean, I could relate to some of the things you said, um, especially the chronic loneliness. So my boyfriend usually tells me how amazing I am. Um, okay, so when I tell him I go to work, I'm like, oh my goodness, um, that it takes so much energy to just get up and go out and work. I'm like, I just say something like, you know, as normal, like the usual thing that, okay, I mean, people are supposed to get up and work, but then the way it makes it sound like, okay, like I'm actually the only one that actually does that, like I mean, I am, and I just see it as something that I just need to do, you know. So, I mean, it's actually good to have, you know, people like that in our life who support us, who cheer us on, even when we think that, okay, what we are doing is just normal things to do on the daily basis. I mean, I feel like that's very, very important.

I agree. Getting up every morning is hard. Every morning. Every morning you are faced with the decisions of the day.

Overwhelming.

If you choose to look at that in negativity, then you shut down. You're lonely. You're not going to connect. You're not going to smile. You're not going to look up. You're going to go through your day being like, another day, here I go. I don't want it. I don't like this. What am I doing? Life is so hard. When you have that thought process, Loneliness is easy because you're closed down. Getting up every morning takes energy. It does. Where anyone said it's easy, I don't understand. Like, I don't get that, where you think it's going to be easy to live your life. It's hard.

Especially during the winter. It's really hard getting up to go to work when the snow is on and, you know, During the winter, snow, it's hard.

Well, that's where we got to this place where after COVID no one wants to go back to work, right? We stayed home for so long, we're like, wait a second, this feels way better, right? This morning I also— I did not go out because of the snow. Yeah, so I was dressed and ready, I was excited to leave the house, and then the weather stopped me. Because I looked at my time. It would take me an hour and 20 minutes to drive. Why would I do that if I can get on Zoom?

Right.

But every time we make those decisions, we take away a piece of connection.

Sure.

So then you think about it. How do I alleviate loneliness? By getting up in the morning with positivity. That is a whole conversation in itself. But just to put it in your head is Oh my God, I am so— my eyes open. I am so grateful my body is working as well as it could, because every morning you can wake up and something could be wrong.

True.

So like, the minute you wake up, it's gratitude. I'm breathing. I'm alive. Like, we got to be thankful for being alive every day. Then it's the gratitude of your body. Then it's looking around. You have shelter. You have a fridge. You have running water. Those things are not always available to people. And it takes a lot of energy to work for money to get the things you need. Of course, it's going to be a lot on your head when you wake up. But then there's the belief that I've had because I woke up since I'm 12 just like, okay, what am I doing today? That's the only thing in my head. Sometimes it's, I don't want to do it, but it's, what am I doing today? I'm excited to live each day. I'm excited for the opportunity to be better, do something different, have an adventure. It's always going to be hard to get out of bed. My bed is really inviting. When my eyes open at 5:30, I'm like, no, not again. But if I keep doing that, what's my body gonna feel like? Negative, lonely, confused, and isolated. So what do you do every day to put yourself in the place where you have more on your plate than I do? Way more. I mean, what's ahead of you scares me, but yet you're doing it every day. How do you do it?

Well, I mean, getting up every day and planning because, okay, I like to make— I guess to follow, it's easier for me to do things when I already have plans for it, you know.

So you have a routine and discipline. Smart. That's really important if you want to get ahead. Routine and discipline, you know, right? If you stop your routine and discipline, right?

I just get so worked up when things don't go my way. You know, I already have this plan, and I want to follow it, you know, exactly the same way I've planned it. And at times it doesn't go according to plan, so I get so pissed at myself, so angry. I mean, but then I just always see if I can always speak of myself and, you know, move ahead.

So that's your inner critic who's telling you like, what went wrong? You have no control. Then you self-regulate, which is, okay, I did the best I could.

Yeah.

I'm still gonna be okay. Tomorrow's gonna be better, and it doesn't have to ruin my day. That's that self-talk that keeps us out of isolation, because when we get down on ourselves, we don't want to spend time interacting. If you were angry at yourself and you left the house, what happens to the rest of your day?

Right?

Right? You take that negativity everywhere, and then no one's talking to you. If anything, someone might even get angry with you. And then you go home madder at yourself. You turn on the TV and isolate. There is lonely.

Wow, such an amazing section. Such an eye-opening section. It's been interesting talking about what is loneliness and understanding the concept. And I think that this is first step to, you know, trying to overcome loneliness as a person. So, Missy, what do you think?

Yeah, it's really— I've really been enjoying our conversation so far. And, um, well, to our viewers, if you've ever actually experienced loneliness one way or the other, um, please watch this video and share and And, um, we are really glad to have you here with us.

And if you want to do something about your loneliness, you can always book with Karma Cares. We have different levels of counseling and therapy and coaches. We have exposure therapy where you can get some support to go out and find hobbies. We can help you alleviate loneliness if you want. There's new 5 Flow being launched. Which is a program that helps you step into curiosity so that you can live in that place of positivity even though it's hard to get up in the morning. We all feel the same way. If we support each other and put vibrations and positivity and help out there, it gets a little bit better every day.

Yes.

Right? Hi. So thanks for stopping in and thanks for listening and Stay tuned for the next set of videos that are coming your way.

Bye!