#100: The Dos and Don'ts of Getting Professional Help For Your Relationship

That, you know, I have to wait until my partner's ready to do this. That's often a stumbling block and a hurdle for a lot of couples because we feel like if we were to go forward and we were to get help and support, that we would be somehow betraying our partner or the relationship itself. And I, as Tom said, I want you to know that actually that's typically how it goes.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations, and uncover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 100, and gosh, we're going to be dedicating this episode to those of you who are searching for help and knowing you need help, but where do you go to get it? You know, what are the things to look for? What are the common things that I need to pay attention to? But before we dive into the content, you know, we just want to give a shout out to our listeners, all of you who have helped make this 100th episode possible.

Yes. Thank you so much. There's probably a few moments along these last couple, I guess we're a couple years now where our legs were, knees.

Were probably a little wobbly sometimes, especially in the beginning.

Yeah. Thank you to, to those of you that have listened, thank. If you're listening for the first time, thank you. If you shared this show with others, thank you. Thank you to our team. Our team is Stacy and I and our daughter Brooke. We're a family that truly comes around and surrounds our client and community digitally as well as locally if you're in the outside of the Sacramento area. So again, thank you. This is, this is big. They say most podcasts reach about about eight to 10 episodes.

So we're at number 100. I'm so proud of us and you, our listeners. And again, if you've rated and reviewed this podcast, thank you so much. And if you're a new time listener, please rate and review it on Apple Podcast. It does so much to keep us going.

Juice is the algorithm, if you will. It helps us get our. Get our show in front of others. That's kind of how the algorithm works is from what we understand. So, yeah, you could please leave us a review that'd be greatly appreciated.

And on the front side, if you, you by chance have a question or a topic that you would like us to cover, please don't hesitate. We love to engage with our listeners. So go to our website and just ask your question. Let us know. Reach out to us. We love to engage with others. Um, so I just want to invite you to do that. So let's talk about the couple who is needing to get some help and some support. And this is more difficult than ever before. You know, like, I really dedicate this to, to all of you who know that you need some help, but you don't know where to turn or there's so many options and possibilities. The reality is, in this day and age, we are bombarded with misleading advertising, confusing claims, bad information. You know, from the freebies to the high pressured cells. It seems that these days everyone is a relationship expert or counselor in the space, and there's so many unqualified coaches and near worthless methods out there. How do you ever find a qualified person that you know you can TR Just to mentor you through one of the most challenging journeys of your life? I want to counterbalance that by saying there are so many great people doing great things out there. But, you know, we have to sift through a lot of stuff, right? A lot of marketing headlines, a lot of fear, a lot of bombardment to find the person that you know is going to really help take you to where it is you need to go. And so we wanted to do an episode about this. And as a guide, perhaps to help you navigate through some of those thoughts and questions that may be coming up for you, I want to give you what it is you need to consider when making such an important choice in your. In your life. And so one of the things that comes up often for us in the clarity calls, and baby, it would be awesome, I think, for you to talk about that experience for you, because when you reach out to connect with us, we always offer a place where you can have a free clarity call on us because we understand that making this decision is super important. And so, you know, I would love to hear from you what your experience is like in those clarity calls and what are some of the things that commonly come up with when people are stepping into this conversation for the first time.

Yes. And I've done hundreds of these, you know, blessed and grateful to share that. And I would say a couple things come up, as Stacy shared. I mean, let's just be honest, in this day and era that we live, we're recording this in September 2020, we have more coming at us, information wise, than ever before in every area of our life, of which in relationship, you know, is one of those. So people are confused, you know, sometimes people have been through negative experiences. So, you know, they're very, very hesitant. Like, you know, is this the same old drill, you know, or they've never perhaps, you know, worked with any kind of a professional and they're really, really unsure. And the reason of these clarity calls is, as Stacy shared, is to just give people an experience and let people know that we're real people. Again. I, I share this often and it's by design. We are a family. You know, we're huge on family. Family is everything in our world. What is most of the regret or all the regret when we get to the end of our life journey about? It's about relationships and family. So it's Stacy and I and our daughter Brooke, who's behind the scenes. She's that voice you hear out of the dark. Oftentimes you may hear it today as well. So it's to let people know, number one, we're real. And yes, you're. This is my real cell phone number you're going to be talking to and me. And if you have a question after we hang up, guess what, you can reach back out to me. But so it's to prove you who we are, give you an experience, help me understand where you are, exactly where you're stuck. And if I feel like you're a good fit and if I feel like we can help you take your next best steps as fast as possible. That's everything we do is to help you take your next best steps as quickly as you. Then I'll give you a couple opportunities. I'll share a couple opportunities of how I feel we could where you can put a toe in the water. You don't. We don't ask for the moon here because you still don't know us. Even after spending 15 to 30 to 45 minutes with me, you're still perhaps have some questions and rightfully so. So we understand. We're gonna do everything we can. There's so much what I call friction in between you making a decision. And the best thing I can do on this clarity's call is to help you come to a yes or a no. And that is not meaning I'm going to try to close you with great love and respect, the small amount of money we're going to ask from you for even an hour session with my very lovely and talented wife on my right hand side here, if you're watching on video and if you're not, just trust me that she is.

Oh, I might get you lucky tonight.

Oh, be careful now.

Go down that road right now.

And we also offer incredible guarantees so there is no risk. And we'll talk about that maybe more. We're actually going to do two, two episodes on this because there's so much to dive into. But whole point of this to let you know we're real, who we are, how we're different, and we're going to do everything we can to take all of your concern and worry, which we understand should be there, because this is the most important part of someone's life is their relationship. So you are entrusting us or taking on the possibility of entrusting us with something that is very, very sacred and important. And we're going to do everything we can to remove any of your concern and risk ahead of time. So when you come up with an individual session or soon with our Better Love Club in a small, group, intimate, incredible setting and session, we're going to do everything we can so we can remove your concern and you can just step in and appreciate and. And have some real value from every time you interact with us.

Well, and. And we're going to talk about wherever you go to get help and whoever it is you connect with, what are the things that you need to look for and how do you make those kinds of decisions in a good way? Because we're not the only ones doing good work out there.

Absolutely.

Many, many other people that are doing good work out there as well. And there might be some needs that you have that maybe we're not the best fit for. And I'm very open and candid about that. And that's another reason for the clarity calls is, you know, anybody who professes to be the everything and all, you know, being answered to whatever is going on in your relationship, well, I want to make you really cautious about that for an example. So let's talk about first the misconceptions that start to come up for couples that we know of on these clarity calls and in the work that we do so that we can help you kind of navigate through some of those.

And let me just interject real quick there. Stacy said couples, but many times it's one person in a couple, in a marriage, in a. In a significant relationship that raises his or her hand. Stacy calls that person the Braveheart. So very infrequently does a couple raise their hands at the same time. And that's very normal. And we still want you to move forward and take action. So most of the time we don't work with couples together. At the same time, we Work with one of the person in the couple, in the marriage, in the partnership, and then many times, not always. And we can't guarantee that we'll get into that soon. You can tell me, I'm getting fired up here because there's a lot of nonsense out there, and I hear it from people that come on the calls with me. You can't guarantee that you can get your other significant person to step in. But that's. Don't worry. That's all is not lost because of that.

Well, you know what, sweetheart? Let's just call that the first misconception, because you've just dove into it. The idea that, you know, I have to wait until my partner's ready to do this, that's often a stumbling block and a hurdle for a lot of couples, because we feel like if we were to go forward and we were to get help and support, that we would be somehow betraying our partner or the relationship itself. And I, as Tom said, I want you to know that actually that's typically how it goes. What we don't understand is that if a person goes forward and says, hey, I feel like we really need to do this, and a partner says, no, no, no, no, no, no. See, I'm not ready. I can't go there right now. It's like, okay, we can honor that and say, okay, I get it. You know, we all have to get ourselves to a place where we're willing to look at ourselves, to be introspective, to learn to grow out of where it is we are. And so you can let your partner be there on their own. It's okay. You're not leaving them behind. You're not betraying the relationship. As long as you communicate it on the front side and you say, I feel like I need to do this for me. And often what we find happens in this is that the person that's getting the help and the support starts showing up differently. The way they interact with. With the challenges and solving the problems and coming up with strategies that you need to move forward, and it starts to change in a better way. And of times, I. I kid you not, like 90, probably 6 or 7% of the time, the other person goes, oh, gosh, you're. You're talking that language that you're learning from that course, right? You're. You're doing this like that, you know.

From them crazy people. In California, we've had that said, I share with people.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I share with people. We've been called things a lot. Not so nice of what I just shared. We've been called a lot of things, but we understand that. But more importantly, yes, as Stacy Sheriff, it's the behavior that the client that we're working with starts to demonstrate. And that's a huge distinction. There is the actual inspiration that may get, what I like to say, that standoffish person, partner, spouse, husband, wife, to say, maybe I need to maybe consider what's going on. There might not be so, you know, off. Off. They may be not off their rocker. So.

Well, and when you think about how human beings really work, it's that we. We want the reassurance that this is going to work for us and it's going to work for me. And the most courageous act that we step into as a human being is, is, you know, stepping into, exploring how I might transform some of my behavior that I'm currently doing that is tried and true and comfortable. And I'm going to take that and I'm going to start, you know, working on some other ways of showing up. And when they see it working in the relationship and how it affects them personally, you create this place of inspiration where it's like, hey, come on, you can do this too, right? It's kind of like the analogy of the first couple out on the dance floor. You know, once you see a couple out on the dance floor, then it doesn't seem so scary to step in. And that's literally what you're doing for your relationship, is if somebody will step in, you're saying, hey, it's okay. I'm still safe, right? I still. I'm still okay. And not only that, it's better. It's getting better. I'm showing up better, things are improving, and you can do it, too. And there's some reassurance and some inspiration on that. If we wait, then unfortunately, what's playing out will continue, because you're waiting and waiting and waiting. And the average couple waits six years, which is too long by then. There is so much going on, as they say, there's so much water under the bridge that it's really, really difficult to turn things around than if we would have just said even in year one or two, hey, we're not going to do this anymore. Let's get some help and some support now. There's so much more to work with. There's. There's so much less water under the bridge that has to be waded through in order to take us in the direction that ultimately we can go. We just run out of emotional gas. To get there. So I guess all that to say, hey, it's okay to step in by yourself. In fact, oftentimes that's a wonderful gift that you bring to your relationship by being that bravehear that says, okay, I honor the fact you don't want to, but I feel like we need some help. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna lead the way.

And I would just also add, and, you know, make sure the facilitator, the professor, whomever you're working with, is. Is good with that. Not only good with that, but helps you. We've had many situations to where, let's say the client will come to us and say, okay, now you know my. Whatever. You know my significant other. They want to talk to you without me being on the call, on the zoom. Would you be willing to do that? Absolutely. Meaning they want to make sure. They want to get their own sense of who we are without any kind of input from this person that we've worked with. So any. No chance of bias and slanting and favoritism and all. And so we do everything as a. As a facilitators and a body of work to keep having that client keep inviting. Inviting is much different than condemnation. You know, we talk a lot about that on our previous episodes. Think about when you're invited somewhere versus when you're told you got to be there. Stay Stacy. You gotta be at CrossFit. By the way, Stacy was late for CrossFit, but she had an excuse. She was helping a client. Any rate, much different than we're invited to something versus when we're told we have to be there. Just me sharing that. Think of the difference in your body response to those two statements. So we are working always with that client to keep inviting that kind of standoffish, that hesitant partner always throughout the entire time they're working with us. So I would say that's an important distinction. You want to find someone that. That. That's their approach.

Well, and. And you want to realize you need help in sometimes bringing that conversation to the table. I'm. I'm thinking of several of our clients now who were not sure about how to approach that conversation with their partner, how to invite them to come and be a part of this without being pushy or overbearing or needy or begging or pleading or coercing, etc.

In fact, offloaded the whole conversation, said, stacy, would you please call. Or Tom, would you please call my partner? Y. Yes. Set it up and be happy to do. And then that client was not even involved in the conversation.

And then I see this in both male and female, primarily male, because, you know, I am the person who does the majority of the sessions privately. There are men who have a concern that I don't want two women. My, my partner and this, this, this person that you were saying is going to help us with our relationship. Gang up on me. And so oft times we find that they' to be present in the session and that is totally fine and okay too. In fact, it's important. So whatever we can do to help everybody overcome some of their fears and concerns about exploring getting the help that you need, we are absolutely willing to do. And, and that's important when you're looking for help. Like, you know, there's so many places where if we could just have a little bit of support or be reassured of a few things that are coming up for me and how do we address those instead of just neg them? You know, that's, that's important for you to realize. You want to find somebody who's going to help you feel safe in stepping in. You know, it's, it's always going to feel like you're taking a risk because we don't know the end of the story. But being able to ease that risk or minimize that risk in significant ways, it's okay for you to ask for that when you're searching for help. In fact, it's imperative that you do. And if you don't have a group of people or a person who's willing to accommodate some of those things, well, then I'm going to invite you to reconsider moving forward there because we need to feel safe in order to begin in a good way. It can't come from a place of manipulation or coercion or beat up. And oft times that's what happens, especially when we're talking like high pressured programs and cells. It's presented to you as though it's the only way and it's the best way. And how could you not go there if you love your family and, and I want you to know, hey, if it's good today, it's going to be good tomorrow. And there's always time and a place to think about it. And so I think that's something that we're also very passionate about, especially you, babe, because you're on the front end of this, that, hey, clarity calls are not a high pressured sales tactic. And we have people who get on the call and initially say that or even like comments underneath. You know, some of our offerings on Our website will say, okay, what's the, what does your program cost? Well, we'll tell you what our program costs. It starts at $150 and goes all the way up to 5k. And there's lots of places to play in between there. Like this is no secret and we don't want it to be a secret. And I want you to also know that you can get the help that you need and we do everything we possibly can to, to not make it some kind of a sales pitched kind of thing. Because like I said, if it's good, it's good. And there's time to think about it and there's time to contemplate it and what do you need in order to feel safe and good about stepping in? Because we know if you're in that place it's going to go really well for you and it's going to go really well for us. Right. Instead of being in a place where you felt manipulated, coerced or were given some kind of a high pressured cells tactic and that's where you stepped in and started working on your relationship. And I want to create a distinction there too. There's a difference between searching and finding the right fit and stalling because you're afraid to jump in.

You were reading my mind. So again, clarity call. Just as the name suggests, the very finest thing really that I can do is help whomever I speaking to him or her have some clarity. And then this place, what we like to call in our, you know, with Stacy and I and Brooke, we call it the land of maybe. Meaning some days it's yes. I just shared this the other night and people person said oh my gosh, some days it's yes, some days it's no. And then the next day it's maybe. So. So that's about as clear as mud.

Can I just add something right here? The land of maybe is hell on earth. Like when you have one foot in your relationship and one foot out of your relationship and every day it changes and you're telling the score to stay, to go, to stay, to go, that is hell on earth. You're better off to make a decision for a finite period of time. Parameter.

Right?

Okay, I'm going to get all in for 30 days, I'm going to get all in for 60 days, I'm going to get All in for six months and just see what we can do here. That is a game changer because when you're going back and forth, it's hell.

It is just and many times we think. And I am guilty of this of anyone because I'm a, I'm a huge fast processor, research man like you know, we call you.

But I actually, I'm kind of guilty of this too. An information.

Yeah. But anyway, we think no, I need more information. I need more. Yes, there's a point to make a quality decision. I was sharing with Stacy in our, our pre podcast meeting this morning. You know, typically when you have say a, A medical condition that needs a professional opinion, a perfect. You need to step in with someone that's, you know, qualified. What. What is a suggestion to get how many different opinions? Two, maybe three.

Okay.

Not 25. Okay. So I would say the same thing. So what all we're saying here to bring it all back around that maybe was long winded and we apologize. That's the case is my best gift I can give to someone again, not to close you, not to press you, is to help you make a decision. And we can help you make a decision in a way that is 100% risk free. And we're not going to ask for $10,000. Okay. At some point you have to step in and make a decision. So if you feel there's some connection, you feel like what I'm sharing with you and how I'm presenting, how we do it and how it's different makes some sense, then I would encourage you, and that's what I do, I encourage you to like, look, if you feel like there's something here, we wouldn't have the reputation we do online. And we it's, hey, you can be online for a short period of time and not be of total integrity, but after a period of time you're going to get smoked out. And we've been online for about nine years now, so I'm proud of our reputation and we're going to do everything we can for you to have a positive experience. If you feel like we've not given you any value, guess what? We're going to give you your money back. That's as simple. I don't know of any better way that I can demonstrate how strongly I believe in what we do. And we may not be the right fit for you, and if that, I apologize for wasting your time and we're going to give you your money back. End of story.

So true. Well, and let's talk about the other side of that where maybe you've not had such a great experience because, you.

Know, yeah, we get a lot of those as well.

We always ask when you get on a clarity Call.

What else have you done?

Yeah, yeah. Do you want to take this one? Go ahead.

What else have you done? And people could, there could be all like, oh man, you can't believe what I've done. Well then, so they've done everything. I mean, I mean, work with some incredible names out there. And I mean, you name it, they've done it. Books, facilitators, programs, and it has. Or maybe they've just worked with. Maybe they just found someone on there. Maybe their insurance, we don't do, we don't deal with insurance where it's all private pay. Maybe they work with insurance, an insurance person, provider. And I'm not saying there's some good people out there, but anyway, it wasn't a good fit. And they say, see all those people, man, it never works. I've never heard a good story. I told Stacy right before we got on and started recording. I says, you know, honey, unfortunately, a lot of times people, when they think they've got to go talk up to someone about their situation and not doing well in their relationship, it's about the same as when you wake up and you think, oh gosh, I've got that gosh darn dentist appointment today. You know, it's kind of like the same category. I want to break that stigma. Like, it doesn't have to be like that. So that's what we, as a family and a body of work, we're up against. And so, yeah, it's not gone well. And they, you know, something, though, thankfully, has prompted them to say, okay, I'll give these people a chance. I'll get on the call and talk to that bald headed guy. Even though they know I'm not bald headed, they can't see me when I'm on the phone, but I am nevertheless. I'm doing everything that I can to have them understand that that's not necessarily the only way that, that this has to go. So there. I've talked to people that have been through everything and anything and some people, maybe they've just worked with one other one and say a therapist, counselor, coach. And quickly, two, three sessions, they realize it was not a good fit. Just heard about someone that the partner ran out of the session after like 10 minutes. Okay, well, obviously that wasn't a good fit. But at any rate, she said, I.

Think we are an epic failure for any kind of help.

Yeah, perhaps. But anyway, all that to say, if.

You haven't found the right fit, don't stop looking. There's solutions and support and help.

And I would just say it's imperative that you have a good sense of connection, you know, with the people that are helping you. Otherwise it's probably just like, we have a very strong sense of connection to our CrossFit owner and instruction and the community. It's a tremendous place of inspiration and also a place where we sweat a lot, you know, on both fronts. Because the facilitator, the owner of Cinnamon, Cinnamon, hello, if you're listening, is a great teacher and a master of her craft and the community of people that we work out with too. So it's combination well.

So I'm starting to think of another, another misconception in a real life story that happened where somebody says, gosh, we'd go in every week and we'd get ganged up on and criticized and belittled. And to think that I'm paying for this, like, and then we'd walk out, nothing would happen, nothing would change. And I think there's a lot of fear around that. And I, and I want to bring that one up as well, because getting the right help should not feel like you've got to be blamed, embarrassed, shamed, ganged up on. This should never, never be your experience. And there might be some of you out there going, well, okay, then how do you address the issues? Because, you know, in our human experience, right, there's always someone that we've decided is to blame. And off times we're pointing at each other. You know, it's like, no, you're the blame. No, no, you're to blame. And here's why. We all have our great narratives around that. But getting help and support and moving your relationship forward should never be a gang up, beat up session. And finding somebody who does not take that stance is imperative for you. And I just want to reassure you that is absolutely out there. It is absolutely possible and it is on you and doing your due diligence to find people who come from that place. It's super important. There's the concept that we cannot be shamed and banged up on and belittled and criticized enough, nor can we punish enough to inspire forward movement in our relationships. That does not exist. And relationships are a co creation, meaning the only thing I bring to a relationship is me. And you bring yourself. You. And what we put into that space right together is what we call the relationship or the co creation of us. And there are so many things that we're not taught, so many things we don't know. There's so many fundamental discoveries there that should be taught when we're much younger that we just don't know. And it's important that you understand them. If you ever want to get better at this thing called love, it's so important that you understand how it works. Just like if you want to be a good chef, you understand things. If you want to be good at any craft, you have to understand how it works so you can improve it. And that's where the emphasis and the focus should be. Not in the blame, the shame, the embarrassment, the ganging up on. You should not find somebody who's like keeping score as your support, mentor, teacher, therapist, counselor, etc, that's like, oh, yeah, you know, Fred, good point there. I'm gonna have to score you a point over there. And oh, Meredith, no, I think that's off base. And we're going to give that point also to Fred. It should never be that exciting.

Let me ask you a question. And we were, we're grateful to get a lot of clients. So when someone has, what we like to say, a catalytic event in their.

Relationship, I mean, you might need to.

Describe what that might be like an affair, like some infidelity. There could be a, say, maybe a significant financial loss, business failure, something significant that has brought this couple, this marriage, this partnership to this place. Would you say it's fair to say one of the person. Let's say one of the persons is more significant related to that catalytic event. And then there's the other, maybe some more. The receiver of that. The results of that event. Many times the receiver and the results of that event likes to think that if that person, he or she would have just. Would just get their stuff together, you know, and once they realize how much they effed up, then everything will be okay. Is that a fair enough assessment? Okay. And how does it really go?

Well, sometimes we think, oh, you know, I'm doing all the right things. I'm giving, I'm over giving, I'm overextending, I'm trying to make it okay. And I say, well, that's, that's a, that's a problem in and of itself because then you're doing all the work of the whole relationship. You're overextending, you're over giving. And the person that you're trying to make this good for doesn't have to do any of the effort or introspection that's required for them to be at the table of times too. They don't feel like they have a place that they fit in in this relationship. What's my position? What's my role as you're, you know, doing all the work of the relationship, thinking you're doing it all right and you're doing everything you, including taking care of the kids, paying the bills, doing the dishes, you know, giving everybody a pep talk. And now I'm exhausted. You need to understand that, that that is a problem in and of itself. And so it's never one sided. There's always things that need to be looked at introspectively on both sides because again, this is a co creation of things and it's very easy for us to, to say, hey, if you would've, stop or start doing these things, our relationship would be fine or I wouldn't be feeling these things. That doesn't mean it's so. It just means those are the conclusions that you're coming to and we would be best served to uncover, you know, why those decisions from a place of understanding were made. What was what I say the emotional drivers of that circumstance or situation are. And that would take us much further than trying to decide where it is we screwed it up. That leaves us in a place where we can make some adjustments, etc. So all that to say, you know, don't place yourself in a situation where somebody is keeping score about who's right and who's wrong in your relationship because you're still playing the same old game of manipulation that we've been taught and love to practice in our relationships. You need somebody that's going to help you talk about the things that are important and that matter most and more importantly, move you out of that idea and that mentality and mindset into a better place. Understanding and realizing what you can do in showing up better and what your partner can do, you know, showing up better and that. What are we contributing or putting into this thing we call the relationship? Let's examine that. That's important. The truth is, the right kind of help should help you feel better. It should cause you to feel hopeful, it should cause you to feel safe and believe it or not, can actually be enjoyable. Fun. Dare I say one of my favorite testimonials was, gosh, we spent two hours together and it was actually really fun. And I was like, yes, that's so awesome. I'm so glad that you consider it fun. Because progression and feeling like you're moving in the direction you want to go and learning how to get more enjoyment and pleasure out of your relationship is fun, right? It's certainly fun for me to witness it when couples roll up their sleeves. I can teach you how to get there. But I so acknowledge our, our, our clients because they, they do make some tremendous progress based on their willingness to practice and to show up in their relationships and new and different and better ways. It is so incredible to see that play out in a place of joy and pleasure and comfort.

Let me, let me just ask another question. Let's say we have a listener like, okay, this, Stacy and Tom, this all sounds really good, but you know what? I'm just not a talker.

Yeah, I'm not a talk talker. I'm an introvert. I don't talk much. So what am I going to get out of this? You know, because we have this old idea of, hey, we're going to come in, talk about our problems, you're going to size up what we need to do.

You're going to ask me these really probing questions, which she does ask, really. And she won't let you off the.

Hook, by the way. And so if I don't want to talk about those things, I'm not really a talker, you know, this isn't going to help me at all. And here's the thing I want to impress upon you. You don't need to be a talker to get better at love. You know, what you do need to do is become better at expressing yourself when it matters. Because if you don't do that work, nobody else is. And if you don't do it, then you're never going to probably be fulfilled or satisfied or find those places or those experiences that you're really looking for in your relationship.

So set another way. You're going to help. We're going to help people learn and understand the incredible importance of knowing how to advocate for oneself. So advocating for oneself can happen or. And you can experience that even if you don't consider yourself a talker?

Well, yes. And you also have the ability to do the other side of the equation, not only show up, but to also do what we call emotional weightlifting in our body of work. We talk about this a lot, we teach about it a lot, because I know it's probably a new term, but it's basically the ability to emotionally regulate yourself. So if somebody says something that might, like, punch you in the gut, that you don't immediately just react and then shut down the communication, the conversation altogether, that you actually know how to navigate through that. And so you must have the ability to do emotional weightlifting as well, so that other people's can finally hear what it is you have to say when you do speak and talk Right. So if it's on a premium level that you don't show up and talk often when you do, then that person that says, I'm a non talker, you want to make sure it counts. And not only do you want to make sure it counts, you want to make sure that it gets translated and is heard. That's really important and that's a contribution that you make into that relationship.

And do you find in working with our clients that people that initially might say or, or position themselves, him or her, as a non talker, the more that they start to understand and become more safe and feel like they have permission to show up and share who they are, that that non talker label might start to lessen?

Oh, absolutely. Non talker usually does not talk because it hasn't been safe in their family of origin or it's not safe now, or both. And it's not that they'll ever be like the light of the party or the center of attention. But believe me, as a human being, we have a lot to say and in the sharing of that, that's what creates the connection that we feel with each other. So if somebody is shut down and not talking because they don't feel safe, that's a tragedy on both sides because the person is kind of like stuck in all of this emotional thought and fodder that they can't share. And then on the other side of the equation, it's a setup because the person that wants to be in a relationship with you has nothing to connect with you on. It's like they're grabbing for. And that's why they push you to talk and to share. Because I'm grasping at something that's going to give me that thread of connection that I so long for and that, quite frankly, everybody is longing for. And unfortunately, if both parties don't show up and at least share right a little bit in a safe space, you know that's going to continue to not be accessible or available in relationships until there's nothing left to connect them other than money and finances. I think those two are the thing, the same thing. Finances and kids is what I meant to say. So, you know, it's important to realize. No, those are significant parts. It doesn't have to be a lot. You don't have to be the life of the party, but you do have to show up enough to create that connection and also navigate the inevitable ups and downs.

So have you. Is it fair to say that you've. We've worked with people that initially that have professed to be non talkers and have had success working with us through some, some work and skills and practice to become more.

Oftentimes it doesn't take much. It just takes a safe place to begin and then it's like it just pours out, right? And we go, oh, so says the non talker.

I was gonna say, how many times have we heard, you know, I've never shared this before. Well, yeah, you've never shared it before probably because it hasn't been in the environment of where you felt safe enough emotionally to share it without getting your head ripped off.

Yeah, there's two more things as we're kind of getting close to running out of time and I, I want to make sure that these next two things get shared. So I feel like we should step into a two more misconceptions and then for this conversation we'll, we'll save the rest for part two because these are important things for you to consider and understand and know. The next one is I hear a lot and I bet you too, you do too. On the clarity calls that it's too painful to get help. Like I'm not in a good place right now to get help or support. So I'm just going to wait until I'm in a better place and then I'll get started. It's, it's, let's just be honest here. You would not be considering getting help help if you were not already in pain. And the intensity of the pain often if we wait continues to increase. So you're really not avoiding anything. Right? You're in pain, it's, it's difficult, you're struggling. And I would impress upon you that that is a perfect time to get help, to start searching for help and support. Because if you wait until things proverbially improve, you're not making any progress. And in fact, nine times out of 10, it's going to get worse before you finally are forced to get the help and support that you need. Pain increases with intensity the longer we don't address it. That's just a normal fact of being a human being. And the BS that I've got to wait because it's too painful right now is really just fear, fear coming into your lives, thinking and buying into that illusion that there's going to be a better time. The reality is it's only by addressing it, we can prevent it from becoming worse and worse and worse and worse. And that's an important piece that I really want to put an exclamation point behind again. We wait too long to get help, and by then, you know, the relationship is all but burned down and we're trying to save it when we could have started saving it, you know, years before.

Would you say of all the couples and clients that we've worked with that are trying to. To decide, come to work with us, and they're in this place of maybe and they're trying to decide if they're going to be able to keep this together or they're going to not be able to stay together and create what we call a loving release. Would you say the majority of the reasons why they're not able to stay together is because they waited too long?

100% of the time? 100% of the time. I would also suggest to you that any mental health challenge that we might be wrestling with boils down to some kind of a relationship issue 100% of the time. Either a relationship issue with myself or a relationship issue that's playing out in my life. It could be children, it could be partner, but oftentimes it's the primary partner.

And may I ask why you're so certain? On the mental health part, we work.

Very closely with medical professionals, psychiatrists, etc. And this is very well known in the space that our mental health issues come from relational breakdowns 100% of the time that if we track back the mental health issue, it comes from within ourselves or within the homes that we grew up in or the home that I'm currently living in, that is where they come from 100% of the time. And so learning how to be a better lover, learning how to do a better job of how it is we show up in relationships, I would say there is nothing better that we can get better at than to be better at relationships, because it is such a core of who we are as far.

So I love the name of our new club then.

I do too. You know, our cute little daughter came up with that. We're going to give her all the credit for Better Love Club. And. And it comes from us, Tom and I and our team always saying, we got to get better at this thing called love. And so hence, the Better Love Club is coming, and it will be available and coming near you certainly within the next four weeks or so. Our team has been working tirelessly to put this together for you and to put it together in a way that we can think of all the many ways in the best way possible to support you on this.

And at a price point that we really feel like most everyone can, can fit into their budget and it's going to be value rich rich that you'll think, OMG.

For the last 10 years in my private practice I am, I too am tired of my heartstrings being pulled when people say I love what you do but I can't afford it. And ah, I just go, okay. Knowing how important and how passionate we are about don't wait, don't wait, don't wait. You know, we can't just ignore that. There's a financial constraint that often prevents people from getting the help they know they need in a place that we know will take us there. And that is going to be part of the better Love Club solutions. That there is something for everyone there at a price point that everyone can, can afford and can fit into them.

And some one off opportunities. If you're not into say maybe something monthly, don't worry. We're even going to give you an opportunity to come in and do an emotional workout maybe once a month. So it's going to be wonderful. Coming soon.

So there was one more.

You said you had two.

I did have two. I want you to understand and know that I have many more. Actually we're going to do this in a part two series. But in the part two series what we're going to focus on is how to talk to your partner about getting the help that you know you need when you do feel like you found somebody. And we're going to continue to dive into the conversations that often stop us from making a decision. And no is just as important as yes. What's important in navigating the land of maybe is that we do make a choice. Yes or no are fine. Right?

Maybe is the one that doesn't serve you and doesn't serve us. Nobody wins with a maybe. You really don't. That's really just a stall. It really is.

Well, and if you're not sure, then say no. And if you are sure, then say yes. And if you've gotta, if you've got to do some more research or you're not ready to jump in, then say no. Because no doesn't mean forever. No just means right now.

Yeah, I mean and in fairness there are, you know, we've just, I've just had a couple, you know, where someone might say, gosh, Tom, you know, this sounds great. Would it be okay if I check with my spouse? I'll say absolutely. How about if we make an agreement that works for both of us when I will check back in with you with your permission and See, you know where you're at. Yes. Okay. So just like we teach, you know, if you agree that you're not in a place to address this, convert this difficult conversation with your partner, agree to a time that you're going to come back and revisit it. Most of us say, I can't do this now, and we just put it under that proverbial rug and we never revisit it it. So, yes, I am good with that, but I'm going to, with great love and respect, ask for a date and time to where we can revisit. And I will be texting you and ask you where you're at. Have you made a decision where you'd like to get say on Stacy's calendar if you think is a one on one session your next best step?

So all that to say, don't feel pressured into making a decision for help by even the best of practitioners. If it's as good as they say it is, it's going to be good when you think about it or need to take the time to get comfortable with it. We've touched on this, this already, but I want to emphasize it again. I also want to point out the distinction between stalling because I'm afraid to jump in and do anything and being able to say that yes or no and make that decision. It's important that you give that to yourself as well as to your relationship. Don't live in the land of maybe. And so again, we're going to come back, we're going to do a part two on this. There's a lot to cover here. We want to answer your questions and if you have questions that are coming up from our conversation today because you are out there looking for help and support. There are so many people doing great things right now and sometimes it just becomes so challenging to navigate through what would be a good help, what wouldn't be a good help. And so I'm going to leave you with this. I'm going to say, you know, as you're exploring help, I'm going to encourage you to do a little bit of due diligence on your part by asking yourself, what is it you need help with? And I'm going to have you do that, asking yourself for very specific questions. The first one I'm going to leave you with is where do you feel like you lack understanding about your relationship as it sits right now? Right. The second one is what patterns do you notice that keep playing out around which topics in your relationship? We know that there are eight Significant primary categories in our relationships that often bring the majority of conflict. So what are those areas for you that you notice in the difficult conversations keep coming up?

Give us an example of some of those eight.

What are the money, kids, religion, substance abuse, sex and intimacy? Yeah, absolutely. Those are big ones. So where do you notice these things? You know, what is the topic that you continue to talk about and have some breakdown in? And where does the breakdown keep occurring for you personally? Do you keep ripping people's faces off or do you keep collapsing and shutting down and not being able to say what you need to say? Or do you find yourself consistently pleasing and over correcting and, and over teaching and preaching? And where, where is it that you personally find yourself going, Ah, I could just stop doing that. I think this would go better. Or where do you think that's showing up for your partner if they could just stop doing those things right at things would be better. It's important for you to identify those and know those. And then what are the skills that you feel one or both of you are lacking in this relationship? Right. I know we're all doing those big searches on what we call Dr. Google. So what are those things that are, are highlighted for you personally in this relationship? Nobody knows your relationship better than you do. And if you ask yourself those four questions and you come armed to answer those four questions in any conversation you're going to have while searching for the help and support that you need, it's really going to help you identify when you found it. It's going to give you those things that you know you want to improve and get better at and you want to make sure those are part of the, the person or program that you're getting involved with. So it really you to know what you're looking for on the front side so that you don't get enrolled into something that in the end didn't move the needle after all. So I want to leave you with those. Um, we're going to wrap this up, this conversation again and join us for part two where we're going to help you know how to talk about those things with your partner. Oftentimes that's a huge point of breakdown too where we don't know how to say, hey, we got to get some help or hey, you know, I'm not happy here. Those are scary places and we want to help you with that. That as well as help you continue to understand and know what you need to know to find the help and support that you need out there. So let's let you catch your breath for a minute. Right? And we're going to come back with some. Follow the fun. Yeah. We're going to do a hard life.

And if this just brings, like, a visceral, like, oh, God, now they're going to. That. That might be a great indicator and sign within yourself, because novelty and play. If that's not a part of your relationship, with great certainty, I can share with you that that's not a good sign because it's an absolute important, incredibly important part of any healthy and wonderful relationship is playing novelty. Think about when you first came together with that person. It was all about that. And then quickly just leaves. So that's why we include it every single time. Stacy gets giddy about this, and many times I don't even know what she's going to come up with. So don't leave us. Don't think. Okay, I'm good. Now challenge yourself to stay on this one. This has some fun connotation with our 100th episode. So take a pause, grab that favorite beverage, sing a verse of Kumbaya, sit in a lotus position.

You're so silly. All right, let's dive into that. Follow the fun moment that you just talked about. We're going to make it a hundred because this is our 100 up of the second, and we wanted to celebrate the number 100. Let's be honest. Anything that you do a hundred times tends to stick. Right. There's that idea that, you know, if I do it for 21 days, it's gonna stick. Well, I'm gonna. I'm gonna suggest the idea to you that anything you do a hundred times.

Over a 4, it's almost. That's a 5X.

Yeah.

Almost a 5X of 21 days.

Yeah.

Pretty good at math, aren't I?

You are pretty good at math most times, yeah. So 100 of anything is a great way to celebrate, especially in our relationships when it comes to the acknowledgement of ourselves and each other. And so this week, I'm going to encourage you to celebrate this while having a little bit of fun along the way. And here's a few ideas to get you started about how you want to bring a hundred of something into your relationship life. This week, the first one I'm going to suggest is a hundred notes every day for the next next hundred days, send a note of acknowledging someone that you love and appreciate them for X. Fill in the blank, and you're going to do them a hundred in a row.

So this could be a, like, a note notice in your partner's lunch. It could be a text message to a child. I mean, so you. It doesn't necessarily have to be your. Your. Your partner, your husband, your wife.

No, it could be anybody. And, and there's benefit in acknowledging people. It forces us to focus on the things that we're grateful for, the things that we're benefiting from or that we appreciate from the people in our lives. And it could be just a hundred no's to that special someone, especially if you're going through a rough time. I can assure you that one of the greatest gifts we can give each other is just that validation and acknowledgement that, yeah, I know we're going through a really tough time, but I want to remind you that I care about you. Of times we forget that we care and we all often overlook the fact that we're all needing some reassurance about. You matter. This relationship matters. I care about you. And I do see that you're working your fanny off even though we're going through a difficult time. So you can switch it up. Just, you know, the benefit is often in the person who's giving it. So give yourself that challenge to do a hundred notes and send a hundred notes over the next hundred days to people that you love and that you appreciate and want to acknowledge in your life. And they could be, like Tom said, text messages or actual little notes that you're putting in their lunch sticking on.

The fridge, handwritten and mailed, written on the mirror.

You know, give them, do a hundred of them and notice what happens. I can assure you that hope will prevail. That a sense of feeling good or feeling a little better.

I actually have 100 days left before the end of the year, so there's some nice synchronicity here.

There is a second idea is one that I love, where you get a container and you put a hundred things that you love about a person in your life and you present that to them. So sit down and write a hundred things that you love and appreciate about them. Everything from memories to. To things that you know that they're doing to improve their relationship with you and in improve your family life together. Everything from the practical to you're earning the money and taking out the trash and doing the dishes and keeping the house clean too. I appreciate that night when you sat down and we were able to do X, Y and Z or, you know, I'm having a fun memory of when we, you know, thank you so much. You know, that's always a highlight. Anything like that. We Put in a jar or a box or some kind of a container and we present it. It's such a wonderful gift because the person we give it to, when their knees are buckling a little bit, can pull it out and, and remind themselves that, okay, this really does matter. You do care about, about me. You know, that's a, that's a wonderful thing to remind everyone of. The third idea I have for you is to take a picture of a moment in your life with a person and that picture can now be turned into a hundred piece puzzle that you can order. One of my favorite places to do that is on canvas champ.com but really all you need to do is go to Dr. Google and put in, you know, turn a, a photo into a puzzle and you'll have several options that pop up. But for less than, you know, $20, they have cells all the time. Especially if you're a first time buyer. You can get one for like 10 bucks, you know, and they'll cut it. Your photo of that moment that was so meaningful for turned into a puzzle and they turned it into a puzzle.

That's cool.

And then you can do one together. You can put that moment together and talk about what those memories were. And, and then of course, we all know there's lots of things, things you can do.

I'm thinking of some incredible pictures in Italy that we could have some awesome puzzle reworkings of those moments.

Yeah, I agree. I absolutely agree. And the fourth and most favorite, you know, I'm a kisser. I'm a kisser. I always have been. When I was a kid in grade school, I used to be the only one that would love to play kissing tag. And I always was volunteering to be it.

You know, imagine that. Imagine that, ladies and gentlemen.

How bad if we challenge ourselves is to do a hundred kisses throughout the week and track them on a printed calendar, right? So 100 kisses might sound like a lot, but I bet you could get a hundred in a week, certainly in two weeks. You know, how long does it take you?

Well, 10 kisses in 10 days would be a hundred. Pretty good. Get back to my math.

I know, look at, look at you go with your whiz, your wizardy. So that's, that's also something, it can be something that you're going to do. We're going to kiss a hundred times and how long does it take me to get 100?

So are we talking like a peck or. These are like, like Stacy certified.

I'll count them all. I mean, you decide what you think they need to be. You know, I'll leave that up to you. I. I don't have any rules and restrictions there. I think whether they're a peck or a long, passionate kiss with, you know, a little slip of something else, it's up to you how you want to set that up. I'll let you restructure or structure the rules and ideas behind that. Hey, and if you're not already, get on the fun list. This is where we get to connect with you more often. And we also get to do some giveaways and give you some fun ideas that, that really are designed to create a little bit of fun and novelty in your own relationship. So get on that if you're not already there. And as we wrap up and land this episode, we always leave you with a song to help you feel and reflect about the conversation that we're attempting to have with you today. And so today's can you fill it? Song is Michael Jackson, you are not alone. And I selected this song because I want you to know you are not alone. We are not alone. And that as alone as you might feel while you're searching for help and information and support along this difficulty that you might be finding yourself in right now, I assure you there is someone else that is also on the same journey and that there is always a solution to the problems and challenges that we face. I know that to be true. So. So 100% of the time it's just a matter of finding the person or people that you feel can give you what it is you need. And I assure you, it's out there. So indeed, you are not alone. There are people out there for you who are cheering for you that want to help and support you. And so don't wait. You know, explore that. Get proactive in that piece inside of your life right now and listen to the song. I love that song. So thanks for being here with us.

Share your quote this is important quote here in our notes right there. This is Stacy's quote. I'll let her share it with you.

Yeah, there is no problem too big to solve. It's the waiting that ultimately costs us because we simply run out of emotional gas. And so that's why we don't want to wait and we don't want to continue exerting a tremendous amount of effort and emotional energy and pathways that don't work or are not moving the needle. That is the greatest risk to finding the help and support that we need in our relationships. Not that there aren't solutions. It's that we simply run out of gas. And it sounds like I just can't do this anymore. Don't let that be you. So as we wrap up this episode, I want to just say thank you so much for being here with us this week. We're Tom and Stacey Bartley. We're the hosts of Love Shack Life. And a special thanks to you for being here with us and spending a little bit of your time today inside the Love Shack. We're going to encourage you to do your best to become a better lover every single day. We're going to challenge you to have a little fun while doing that and we invite you to commit to feeling good along the way. Yes, you too deserve that in your own life today. It's a pleasure to be here. And again, if you have any questions about this episode, don't hesitate to reach out to us. And we look forward to seeing you next time inside the Love Shack. Bye bye for now.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.