#249: How to Navigate the Holidays When Your Relationship Feels Fragile

It's the holidays. And aren't the holidays supposed to feel warm and magical? But when your relationship is already strained, they often don't feel very magical at all. Instead, they feel intense, fragile, like you're trying to make it through each day without setting something off. Maybe it's the sharp comment in the kitchen that derails the whole morning. Or that silent car ride to a family dinner where neither of you speaks because you're both afraid of making things worse. Or perhaps the awkward moment at the table when someone asks, oh, how are the two of you doing? And you both sarcastically laugh. If any of that feels familiar, I want you to know you're not alone. Nearly half of all couples say the holiday season brings more fights, more pressure, and more emotional distance than any other time of year. And let's be honest, you can feel it. The heaviness, the pretending. The tight smile you hold while replaying last night's argument in your head. The thinking about the long list of to dos, still needing your attention. Intimacy. I'll forget it. It's non existent right now. Who's got time or patience or bandwidth for that? Hi, I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship skills mentor who spent over a decade helping couples rebuild connection in the moments that they feel lost. And I'm here with my co host and lover, Tom and her daughter Brooke. This is Love Shack Live. It's a podcast for those of you standing at a relationship's crossroads and navigating the daily conflict of emotional gaps or that quiet ache of wanting more than what's happening right now. So let me ask you something and be real and honest with yourself. And by the way, I should probably confess, my voice is a little shot, so I'm sorry about that. For my regular listeners, you might go, she sounds a little funny. Yeah, I sound a little funny to myself. Anyway, today we're talking about why the holidays hit struggling couples so hard and what you can actually do to steady things when the emotional pressure begins to rise. I. I promise to walk you through some real moments the couples face.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

But before we jump into that, what comes up for you when you think of the holidays? I thought it might be fun to hear from those of us hanging out here with me. What do you think?

The time that I almost burned my eyebrows off when I was cooking the turkey on the grill outside, and then I locked myself in the bathroom and cried.

I remember that year. We're like, rookie, it's okay, Leave me alone.

The turkey's burned.

I'm a failure.

Have some turkey jerky.

But actually it wasn't burned. It was fine. I was just very worried.

I do think that there wasn't any drippings for gravy. So I remember running around town trying to buy jars of jars, pre made gravy that we could put on the mashed potatoes. What fun it is to ride.

We all walk through real life moments as couples and by the way, I didn't want to dismiss you. Did you have one?

Just, they're a lot of work, you know, I mean, because of the numbers that we have, they're fun. But I think even if you're not struggling, they, they oftentimes can bring up a lot of additional responsibilities and concerns and worries because you want it to go well. I mean, you know, they are special. They're once a year.

So yeah, I think as me and mom too are the ones who cook. And Brill too, my sister Brill. I think everyone else is experiencing the magic of the holidays and we're all just making sure that magic is happening. And then I think often get to the end of the night and you're like, gosh, I didn't even really get to talk to anybody because you're so busy kind of facilitating everything. It's still magical and I still love it. It's still my favorite day of the year. But you're kind of exhausted at the end because there's so much. And like you put so much pressure on yourself. Just the actual day is kind of filled with pressure. And imagine how much harder that is when you're, when you feel like your marriage is on the rocks.

You know, I think even in, in good situations and in good moments, the holidays still bring about a tremendous amount of pressure. And if we were to revisit what we know and understand to be true about what creates conflict both within us and around us, it would be these expectations that start to collide with the reality of what is. And as we start to like take that concept and plug it into the holidays, we can all start to understand why it is we all turn into such a hot mess. Right? We're expecting to create this epic moment for our children, for the people that we love, for our families. We get fed a lot of how it's supposed to go from our social and cultural experiences and movies and narratives. I mean, Hallmark is coming out hard and strong and, and you know, it's, it's just, it creates this expectation that we're not doing it right unless it meets these certain standards. And we can even set ourselves up in those places and spaces too, where we are trying to hit or exceed last year standards that were pretty high for our kids, for, you know, the experiences around the tree. And as we're gathering together and there's this tremendous amount of pressure socially and culturally to be happy as one big family, which is a wonderful thing, it's a wonderful notion. But right now in our country, when we're so divided politically and we're becoming more and more divided economically, you can start to see the stage being set for just a really intense experience without layering on top my relational challengers of the fact that somebody's asked for space or separation or we've come together and know that our relationship is struggling. But we're going to make a commitment and a promise to make it good for the kids this year. And then the January will. We'll address what it is we're going to do, right. And how we're going to go forward. And some of the things that we know are not working in our relationship. And so hence we put on the big smile and we pretend that everything is okay. And we try and do our best to not set each other off because let's be honest, we've been together long enough now.

We're.

We know what those little things are. And so it creates this incredible intensity where the most wonderful time of the year turns into a nightmare for all of those reasons that we just touched on. But I want you to know there is a way to get through the season with more calm and clarity and less fracture of your connection you are so desperately desiring to protect. Like, and it's this little thing that we do over here in the love shack called skills. And if you have skills, you don't have to white knuckle your way through it. So the holidays really do create additional layers of difficulty on us, our families and ourselves. And stress is higher. I mean, we just highlighted why, right? We're expecting these things of ourselves. We're expecting things of others that they maybe don't know. We're expecting to be acknowledged. I want to know and be reassured that you matter to me. So if you don't think of me or buy me the thing that I really want or have been blatantly dropping hints around, I can make it up that it's, you don't care about me. It's not about the present anymore. It's about me. It's about the fact that you don't care about me. Now that we're having this Conversation. I think it is for that reason. I'm. I'm traveling back in my own experiences for the holidays, and I'm traveling back around the gift giving. And I don't like the idea that a gift determines whether I. I am cared about or not, or that I care about you or you care about me. I'm having this memory of pouring my heart and soul into this. This gift that I gave to my mom, and when she unwrapped it, it had all broken and fallen into pieces. I was devastated because I thought, oh, she's not going to know how much I love her when it's really not about the gift at all. Right. That was the memory that came flooding back and I'm like, I think that's why I don't like gift giving. I don't. I don't. I'm not a good gift giver. Would you say that's true? I. I'm really not a good gift giver. I'm.

Well, I don't think it's that you're not a good gift giver. I just think it's that you don't put a lot of value into giving gifts.

Yeah.

Not in a traditional sense.

Yeah.

I don't want people to think it has a determining value in regards to how much I love and care about you. And I don't want to hold it as a representation that you love and care about me. I want that to come from a different place. The gift giving money is tighter.

Yes.

That's a huge conversation. I know. We're all kind of feeling the squeeze right now with prices rising, and I don't want to be a doomsayer, but there's less money for Christmas this year than there probably was last from. For many of us, emotions tend to run hotter. I'm stressed out. I got a task list that's 3275 items long. I. I wonder how I'm going to get it all.

Their emotions run faster. And, you know, it's interesting that this is not, you know, because normal life is not going on. No. This is in addition to. So it's almost like as I'm sitting here listening to us, it's funny, I kind of view this whole holiday season kind of like the marriage thing. Like, oh, this is going to be great. Well, like, based on what the fact that it's the holiday means, everyone's just automatically happy. Just like the fact that people come together and have a day of celebration and their life is supposed to go.

How really well and they I also think the way that we think we're just going to white knuckle through it and we'll address these things in January, but not acquiring any skills to do that, you know, it's like you're just saying something, but you're not setting yourself up to actually be able to get through it because you're not doing anything to make it better. You know, it's like we have this idea in our head that we can just hold everything in and, you know, make it there, but that's not realistic.

Yeah, it's so true. It always takes me back to going home to my family home for the holidays with my kids and my stepfather and I didn't always do so well together. And we finally had to have a conversation about, hey, the best thing we can do for each other and ourselves is just to remember what's gathering us together, which is the love for this woman. She's my mother and she's your wife. And we don't have to compete and we don't have to take our intensity out on each other, thinking that that's going to make for a better day. Let's both be mindful about not taking any punches below the belt, and let's make this good for the people around us. And it wasn't until I could actually articulate that kind of an agreement using some skills that I had and needed to acquire, could we actually change the trajectory of that whole table. Because I many times would be sitting at the table and would feel like he would just intentionally jab me, you know, criticize, belittle, or minimize me just to. To let me know he's got his eye on me or that he knows or I don't know if it was my red hair or the fact that I can be pretty bold and outspoken.

Or maybe one of your hats.

He didn't like my hats. He really hated my hats. He thought that it was really over the top. I think he kind of saw me as an eccentric person. I'm sure there's a lot more under that that we never did get to resolve. But there comes a point in time sometimes where it's not about resolving it. It's not about getting them to understand where you're coming from. It's more about setting a new precedent so that we can have an enjoyable moment right now. And in order to do that, it's going to take some skill and some understanding about how to set that up and how to say that in a way that it can actually take place. Absolutely. Because what I what I would tend to do is take him on and argue and banter and I'd pull out my evidence about all the times that he said hurtful, awful things and he'd pull out his packet of evidence about all the things that I had done that had challenged him and ticked him off and it would just escalate until it was making a miserable experience for everybody around us. All that to say skills do make a huge difference and I'm probably not alone there. Where some of you in that question I asked as we opened up the episode, what is the thing you're dreading most about going home for the holidays? Oh my gosh, it's running into my parents or a step parent or a brother, a sister or one of their.

Niece in law and yeah, yeah, yeah, that just drives me fricking crazy.

Crazy. And I last year didn't do so good like last year and maybe the year before I didn't didn't go so good. Well you know, if we were to skill up, we could probably affect some greater change in the direction that we all wanted to go. And again, I want to be very clear, it doesn't require us to resolve or gain agreement on anything that's happened in the past. We can just set a new precedence in order to go forward. So I thought it would be very helpful. My intention for this podcast here is to give you some actionable things that you can actually take home for the holidays with you. Maybe home isn't going somewhere else. Maybe home is where you are currently living and everybody's coming to your place. Or maybe you are trying to create an experience of home because you and your partner have actually separated and you're trying to figure out some new places and spaces to create some moments to connect. Right. For the kids in honor of what used to be and in transition in regards to what is going to happen now going forward. And so that that's my intention here. But the core truth that I want you to take away also from this episode is the holidays don't create new problems. They actually intensify the ones that we're already carrying all year long. And I think that's an important distinction. So it's not all of a sudden it just brings about all these new things and when you're kind of like triggering me more and more and more and I'm doing the same to you, it's not because new problems are being accumulated. It's because of the intensity, the expectations, the stressors, all the things that we've just Touched on. Those are the things that are intensifying this, and those are. Those are layering on the problems that we've already been carrying all year long. And if you're like most couples, they bite their tongues because we don't know how to dress or talk about the things that don't work. Which then in turn takes us to a place where we feel like that we're walking on eggshells. Eggshells, just, by the way, means I don't know how to say what I need to say. So I say nothing. And I try and be careful to not bring up the thing that's going to plug you in, thinking that that's going to be the solution without realizing we're not going to be successful in not firing off people around us. That's how it works.

Well, it's like you'd be trying to walk on a tightrope for the entire day. I mean, the people that are skilled at that, they don't do it for very long, and it's really hard for them to do it for a short period of time. So you're literally trying to do that, like, for, you know, 8, 10, 12 hours. I mean, my goodness, none of us can do that.

In a season where your kids are having a ton of school events and you're having to remember things that you normally don't have to do, and everyone's eating a special dessert on a different day. And it's like, how can you expect to manage these really complex emotional problems on top of all this normal life and all of the other things that are being asked of you for the next two months? It's impossible. But we beat ourselves up for not knowing how to do it all under.

The expectation of, don't ruin anybody's day. Don't make anybody mad, don't make anybody sad. In fact, we gotta go just the opposite. We gotta do anything and everything we possibly can to create that magic moment, moment of Christmas. And I mean, just even saying that, I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed.

Well, I mean, you just think, my goodness. I mean, that's like the Super Bowl. Like, okay, well, any chance of that? I would say absolutely. I mean, to be totally objective, how would not the answer be more skills would be required, not less. I mean, to whatever version you want of that, or just to have some semblance of peace and joy and appreciation of those around you that are your loved ones, it's going to be, more skills are required, not less.

And the logical idea that we can just hang on and we can get to January. I mean, so January comes and then what happens? We're usually in a terrible state of having said and done things that I wish I hadn't done. There's a tremendous amount of disappointment and regret. There's a tremendous amount of personal beat up that we carry.

And your fricking tank is empty. You're so depleted, you're limping to the finish line starting the new year like injured and beaten, not refreshed and ready to go.

Yeah, I think the thing that we, we still need to remember, remember, remember, remember is emotions put motion into our behavior. So whether you think you're sitting on it or not, I need you to understand that you will act it out. There will be a moment in time. Not because you're a terrible, malicious person or an unthinkable, shameful person or a person that doesn't care or love others. It's that emotion builds in us if there's no outlet for it. And then I'm going to lose control of it. And I'm going to say and do some things in the acting out release of that tension or that emotion that I wouldn't normally otherwise do if I wasn't stressed out, you know, in a state of overwhelm, expecting myself to have been or showed up or said something that didn't. Trying to make these magical experiences. I'm not saying you shouldn't put your best effort in. I'm just also asking you to please bring some realistic expectations to the table around it. Because if you do, you're going to have a much better experience. And the thing that makes me sad in the work that we do is these emotions as they put motion into my behavior finally get the best of me because I am trying to make them so good. And then I make up terrible narratives about myself or the people that I love as a result of that. And I make up a whole bunch of meaning about that which is then going to have me living congruent to that personally and collectively. And the reality is we just straight up lost our shit because we were trying to keep the lid on everything and didn't have any outlet for it. Not that everybody was trying to be malicious. And then I don't know about y', all, but sometimes we try and like manage this by, you know, increasing the substances. Right. Just so I can chill out and relax and I hope that you can start to see. It's almost like putting a match on a pile of paper, you know, little kindling that's just ripe for Explosion, Right? So all of a sudden I have. No, I didn't have. I had a teeny tiny measure of control to start with, but then. But then I have no control whatsoever and the little meter goes off. Whatever, you know, I've had enough of this shit. You just. Oh, please. Timeout, timeout, time out. Let's not go there. So understanding all of this and the reason why I'm bringing it up is it gives us a really great leg up in regards to some things that we can set up early to ensure that we have a better outcome and a better experience that's more in line with the expectations and your intentions of what it is you're attempting to do overall. But let's start back with number one, set some realistic expectations, not off the chart expectations. It doesn't have to be a Hallmark episode in order to be an experience this holidays with some wonderful memories connected to it. And what's so funny is I think back about my own holidays with my kids and my grandkids and with Tom and Brooke and I, and they're usually the small, tender moments that come out of nowhere. We've planned like the bigger picture, when we're going to get together, what everybody's going to bring. But some of my favorite moments is when there's no planning that's happened at all that we're just sitting around talking and sharing with each other. Right. We're playing a silly game that we've pulled out and just kind of let go of the control of how this is all supposed to go. That's usually where I find my most treasured moments. Either of you wanna speak to that?

Yeah, I think that's true. And I also think looking back on what I thought was magical as a kid was the same thing. It wasn't like super elaborate events. It was like putting up the Christmas tree together or my mom finally saying yes to making cookies or, you know, little things like that. I remember going to bed as a kid and feeling so cozy because I could see a tiny peek of the Christmas lights outside of my blinds. You know, moments like that were so special.

I remember loving the ability to like lay under the Christmas tree as a kid and like looking up all the lights, all the twinkle lights, and turning all the lights off in the room so that all that was on is the Christmas tree lights. I think if we were to slow down a little bit and realize that more of something is not going to be what makes the day better, but actually being present with each other and creating moments to, you know, make cookies or hang out in the tree, in the room where the tree is and turn the lights off and have a conversation, you know, or share a little cup of wasle. Those are. Those are the moments that we remember. Ironically, even as I think back about gifts I've given and gifts I've received, some of them are pretty amazing, but most of them I don't remember. Not to say that the gifts aren't important or a thoughtful gift can't be special, but just slow down as we approach this holiday season and really think about what creates genuine moments of connection with the people that we love the most.

But that hit me because I saw a lady on TikTok yesterday that said, my psychiatrist said something to me five years ago that I didn't get until now.

And.

And they said I was asking maybe to go on, like, Valium or some kind of medication like that, because I was feeling extremely anxious out of my body. And they said, sure, I'll prescribe it to you. But let me give you a tip. If you want to feel the effect of what a benzo would make you feel, start doing things slower. Do everything you do in life slower, and you can create that feeling for yourself. And she said, it totally went over my head at the time because I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, or you just don't want to give me medicine. But she said, I started doing it recently and the effect has been monumental. Like, my heart rate has slowed down. The weight that I feel on my shoulders has lessened. I'm just not so frantic. I think we beat ourselves up as adults for not feeling the magic of the holiday season that we felt when we were kids. But take a minute to realize how much more you're navigating. You're paying bills, you're planning the grocery shopping, you're planning all the gifts, you're planning all the meals. You have so much more on your plate. But if we just give ourselves a chance to slow down, like mom 2 said, I think could really add some of the magic back in that we've been missing.

You know, you're going to have all kinds of ideas and thoughts that will come to you in creating magical moments. If we can just slow ourselves down and then create, like I said, I'm going to say it again, some realistic expectations about what is doable. Take what you have.

And.

And then do the best you can with it. Instead of setting it up to where I'm having to figure out how to provide or do or be something I know I'm not That's going to create that expectation piece, which is going to create a lot of internal anxiety and weight. An expectation, really, that you're placing on yourself to do or be or accomplish or provide something that you don't feel like you can. I should be here when I am here. Like, if we could be realistic about what we can offer and what we can do, it will help us slow down as well. Instead of us whipping ourselves to figure it out to do more and do more and give more and behave more and show up more and be present more. We also probably need to take a look in that realistic process. Please. And say no to things that maybe don't serve me, that I don't have to be all things to all people. And I don't have to make everybody's dreams come true. And if I set it up that way, I'm not going to make anybody's dreams come true. So be realistic about what you can do and what you can offer and where you are in regards to your own emotional fuel tank. That is going to be key. Especially when we're already in times of relationship struggle. I've got to slow down and be realistic about what it is I can contribute because we're already carrying so much emotionally. And if I just keep heaping on it, I'm going to tell you right now, it's not going to go well. Not because the intentions aren't good or you don't care or you don't love the people around you, but because you're adding more stress on an empty tank that is already on fire. And if you think you're going to hold this until January, you're not going to make it. I mean.

Most of us don't. I'm just saying, high percentagely speaking, those things don't go well. By January, the hopes of saving my relationship have that gap. Those fractures have just grown deeper and bigger and wider from all the times we were trying to withhold, right, and put up with and go along with the things that weren't already working in our relationship. And then we, we heap on all the stress of the holidays.

Skills. Skills will help you even though we are in this place. They will help you have the ability to share what you need to say without stirring up fights like a key thing. One skill, one little teeny, tiny skill right now, in addition to slowing down, that's a skill. That's practice. I have to be intentional about that. You can practice it starting right now, by every time you feel yourself spinning up intentionally, stop doing anything it's gonna feel like so hard. That's a real emotional push up. Just stop everything and take a minute to collect yourself. That is a really good practice to slow down because doing more is not gonna help you. That coupled with the ability, the learned ability to just stop is going to help you in so many places. It's going to help you. Your mouth when you get upset. You're going to be able to sit at the holiday table and stop yourself, but not if you don't practice it. Practice it right now and then, yes, there are skills that you can learn. Communication skills, listening skills that will actually help you share what you need to share without starting a fight. Another skill that's going to be really helpful is how to stay true to what it is that lights your fuse and to be able to communicate that to others in a way they can hear it. Those are some communication benefits that come from that. Skills to calm your body. In addition to a pause, there's many others that you can reach for. Learning how to tap, like learning how to put a hand on a heart. Learning how to excuse yourself appropriately and go for a walk, move your body like these are things that are skills that if we practice them now, will make a huge different when we need to rely upon them. The rule is regulate yourself first and then respond second.

The skills to stay connected under stress. Could you imagine, even though you and your partner are going through a difficult time, you had the ability to actually support each other in that stress instead of take it out on each other. How does that work? Well, that's. That's skills. Even with family dynamics swirling around you, you could create the ability to support each other in those moments that is absolutely real and possible. And then if things do slide off, you know, as a client of mine says, the cheese slides off of the cracker. We have skills to repair very quickly. I've said it before in our podcast. The greatest thing that Tom and I do is that if things do create a breach of betrayal or misunderstanding or a moment of tension where somebody feels betrayed or misunderstood, we can repair exceptionally quickly. And that doesn't derail the entire experience. You know, it was a moment and we get back to the good stuff as we quickly as we possibly can. It doesn't derail the entire dinner or the entire day or the entire week or the holiday season. We won't allow that. We can do better than that because we've got skills to quickly repair.

Yeah, I would say that's. And sadly, that's typically what happens as these things Intensify, you know, then. Oh, yeah. Well, now the whole period has been ruined, you know, and that's sad because that's never been the intention on the front side, just as Stacy's been sharing, sadly, we think just give it time. What time does. Is intensify things. That's what it does. That's why we have that inevitable Mount St. Helens moment where we just kind of lose our. Gosh, I've never heard you say anything like that before. Yeah, because I've reached a breaking point because all of us do. It's simply how we're wired.

And then when it comes out, it's really messy and I'm spewing it everywhere and I'm. I'm saying things that I don't really mean, but it feels so intense in the moment. So I use these intense words and it's everything and it's never and it's always. And it's just because the emotion that I've been sitting on was so big and now I've lost control of it.

Yeah, that's why we always hear, gosh, I wish I really wouldn't have said it like that. Or maybe wish I wouldn't have said anything at all. Yeah.

Skills help us to stop repeating the same argument over and over and over again. We have skills to get to the heart of what needs to be talked about, not what's necessarily presenting on the surface. It's. It's never really. I never. That's a long time. But it's commonly not the presenting issue. It's something much deeper underneath that's driving the conversation or driving my behavior. So those understandings and places of navigating through those things, well, it requires some skills, otherwise the same arguments are going to come up again and again. It's the most frustrating thing in any of our relationships. But we have to ask ourselves, why do they keep coming up instead of getting upset that they do. Well, they keep coming up because we really don't understand what they're about. And they will continue to come up until we gain the understanding that we need from them. And so even though we talk about them, we're usually talking about them from what everybody did and how it all went down and the details of what went down. And we're not talking about how those experiences caused the emotion in me to surface. That is very real.

We say this a lot in our podcast, if you've listened to us for any period of time, is we often we, meaning that most of us out there living and doing the best we can, with the skills we have and such at the time, think if we just get these darn details right, who was wrong, who was right, you know, and get that figured out, we'll be good. Well, that's that classic. You're just managing the circumstances, but you're not changing anything of the underneath or getting to what's underneath it, because circumstances, I mean, they're a dime a dozen. We're going to be navigating and swimming in for the rest of our lives. So with great love and respect, it's not trying to think we're going to get the circumstances right now. We're going to be good.

It's understanding the emotional motivator underneath it all that's going to help you understand what to do next.

This is making me think about all of the families in the country who are about to celebrate Thanksgiving and how many of them have deep rooted issues that come up year after year after year and someone says something at the dinner table and then someone says something back and then they yell about it and then they. Maybe they have silence until Christmas and then it comes up again and then they leave Christmas and then they come back the next year for Thanksgiving and it happens again. And maybe they haven't spoken in nine months. It's just so interesting to me that as a society, we just accept that, oh, that's just how families are. Why haven't we thought, oh, maybe we need some skills to handle this better? You know, it's interesting.

Absolutely.

And.

And I'm going to say it again because it's so true. Things come up again and again and again because it's lacking the understanding of my part and your part, like there's a piece of understanding that's missing.

But how about if someone says, okay, Tom and Station Brook, I get it, but how am I supposed to understand. Understand someone and seek understanding when he or she is saying something that really pisses me off.

Yeah. Or like, really hurts me or.

Or I totally disagree with it. Am I still able to understand that?

Yes. And here's how. Okay, you can ask to understand it, because we now know that that's what it's about. Right. I don't know why, but the idea that's coming to me is a client is Jewish and her parents, she has. She has gone there through marriage, not through her growing up. And so her family of origin, her parents are exceptionally Christian. And so of course, we're all meeting and gathering around the table for this holiday. Lovely thing. And every year they end up getting into Some kind of a dialogue about, you know, religion and, you know, how could you have forsaken your family? And I thought we raised you better. And, you know, and she's, she, she's saying, you just don't understand. There's just things that I never really identified with that and never really resonated with me. But you've never allowed space for that. Oh, that's just ridiculous. You know, they won't accept what's being shared. And I just want to take that little moment right there, and I want you to see that if the parents would really allow her to share what it was about the religion that didn't work for her and said, help me understand why it is you made the choices you did, it would change the whole experience. Just that little teeny tiny thing. Or if she could understand why it is her parents are so hell bent on getting her to come back to the religion, like, what is that about? We would both be having a. Everybody would be having a very difficult, different conversation. Yes, maybe difficult, but different is the point. We're now starting to talk about what's really driving this, because it's not about whether I'm a Christian or it's about what worked and didn't work for me around this and where I'm going as a parent regarding my, my, my child and the choices that they're making. It's obviously a huge reflection on their part. So everybody has something to understand there. And until that happens, they think the answer is just to get so and so to come back and do this, or just to get so and so to stop doing that and then the whole thing will be solved without realizing. Oh, no, see, there's so much that's not understood there.

And I just want to point out that there's such a difference between understanding and agreeing. You don't have to agree with someone to understand them. And I think we've totally gotten that wrong in our current world. You do not have to agree with someone to understand where they're coming from. That's empathy. And also, I think when we have these super rigid family dynamics, I just think we have to be cognizant of how that's what we're modeling to the next generation. You know, like we're. It's important that we show them the things that Montu just talked about, how if we can create a sense of understanding, it's really much easier to get through disagreements. And also your children are watching you to decide how they're going to behave in the next generation. Of family. So if you're modeling that it's okay to just cut them off and not talk to them for the next nine months, well, then you're normalizing that for your kids. And they're going to think that that's how they should deal with situations that are difficult in the next round. Like, I just think that's important.

Yeah, I think that's very important. And I just think everybody can rise if we are pursuing that. Understanding my favorite question. It's been my favorite question for almost two decades now. Help me understand where you're coming from and then when I come back, help me understand where you're coming from. Because maybe I'm not in a place to listen to what they're going to share in the moment, but I can get myself, if I can, if I can practice those things we've already talked about, I can get myself to a place where I can slow down and understand. The biggest giver is the person who can listen first. Like, that's the gift. Listening is hard. It's the hardest part of the equation when it comes to communication. If you'll notice, everybody wants to talk and there's not a listener. And so it's going to turn into a fight from that vantage point. So the greatest gift I could give if I genuinely want to create a different experience is that of listening. Not defending my position, but listening to what the other side has to say. And that might be a lot of emotional push ups for me, but that's the give first, give fast idea. And I don't have to maintain it forever. I can't. But I could challenge myself to maintain it for as long as I can. And then I can excuse myself and I can go, you know, go for a walk, walk around the block, you know, take a break, change the conversations, you know, speak to go to the kids table. I love the kids table. There's no pressure to take care of anybody's emotional feelings, right? There's no pressure to not be silly and ridiculous, right? It's just easy at the kids table. Everybody's just eating and having a good time and having a food fight. And that's what goes down at my house. It's the kid. Go to the kids table and let them remind you, don't take all this so seriously. Right? Let's just all slow down and chill out for a minute. Understanding is why those fights keep coming back around. Skills really are the answer to getting you through the hardest weeks of the year so that December doesn't create epic messes. That you're forced then to clean up in January. Like, we can do better through this holiday season. We want it to go so well. So set it up for a win. Just set it up better. Right? So that's why these quick, actionable things we wanted to share with you, because we want to support you in setting it up better. Like, that's the whole idea.

There's one thing you shared last year that you didn't share this year. Mom, too. Remind people that they don't have to stay for the whole time. Remember your tip around that.

I think it's. That's.

That's good timing.

That's.

That's a. That's a great one.

Yeah, it is. Again, going back to tip number one, look at what you have the capacity to give realistically. Right. You've got to step out of all the demands and. And that conversation that's rattling around in all of our heads. Oh, if I was a good daughter. Oh, if I was a good wife, if I was a good mother, if I was a good friend, then I would do this.

Grandmother, Grandparents.

Yes. Grandparent. Thank you for including that one. No. Here's what I realize I have to give this year, and I'm going to give it to the very best of my ability. And sometimes looking realistic at the expectations means I know that I don't show up so well in my family dynamic. So I'm only going for dessert or I'm only going to go for appetizers because I still want to check in and say hello and hug and kiss the people that you know are my parents, my family, my siblings, my aunts, my. My grandparents. But I know that if I stay too long, I don't do so well. So I want you to look at this from places of how well do you show up? And I want you to control and manage that. So if you know, you only. You're good for an hour, you know, then honor that for yourself. Right? And maybe if it goes well, you can stay for a second, but at least you've set it up to where you can leave if you need to. Managing how I show up, not trying to manage how others show up. And that will change the experience for you. And yes, practicing right now, slowing down in moments where you notice that you're spinning up, just stop doing anything. Like literally force yourself to sit down, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing.

I wonder what my next thought is going to be. Did you say that to me?

Yes.

As an anxious person, sometimes it's impossible to stop your Thoughts. But that's a hack to all my anxious people out there. You can literally say in your brain, I wonder what my next thought is going to be? And it literally stops every thought in your mind. It makes your mind blank because you don't know what it is. And it's like, oh, my God, I'm experiencing peace in there for the first time in forever. So that's a really good hack to have.

You and your partner together can give each other like a pre. Agreed exit line, right where we can support each other too, which is really incredible. Something like, excuse me for a moment, I just need some air. That means meet me out out front or meet me out back. You know, I need a hug. You can put what it is I'm wanting on the backside of that long before it ever happens. Right. I. I just need you to say this to me to help me calm down when I start spinning up my mother, like, you know, remind me of a few things. Okay. And this is, this is the cue, right? And that means this, this, you can use that as a really helpful hack as well. We're all going to be prone to take the bait. So if someone asks a loaded question, you can absolutely pull out some words. We're keeping the season simple, but thanks for asking. That's all you got to say. Short, sweet, polite, closed. This is as far as I'm going, right? That's. That's a good one because you're addressing the fact that they said something. How we tend to, tend to handle these is we just ignore it. Pretend like it's not happening. Which if we do that, by the way, be careful, don't do that. Because iteration right in somebody's speech that is not closed through as far as the loop goes, they'll escalate. The emotional experience they're having will intensify and they'll start becoming passive aggressive around.

And slipping it back into the conversation. I heard another one because, you know, this is a very politically charged time. If you really don't want to talk about that anymore with someone, you can say, I'm not a safe person to talk about that with. It's very short and sweet in. It usually stops them from trying it again with you, but it's not mean.

You know, it used to be the reminder I would say to Stan, hey, you know what? We're here to make this good for the woman that we love. Let's let this go. And so I'm addressing it. I'm closing the loop. Because if we don't do that Then the person who's throwing the question out there is going to emotionally escalate and they're just going to come back around. You're going to find them being a shit, you know, an hour or two from now, right. And trying to weave it back into the conversation. So. So make sure you close the loop with something short, sweet, polite, but done. It's closed and you've communicated in your own way. I'm not going here with you. We're not going to talk about this today. And it's okay for you to bring it up. I'm not going to attack you or blame you for bringing it up. I'm just letting you know I'm not in a place where I'm going to be talking about that now.

Okay?

And then maybe perhaps choose a moment to connect intentionally. Like, meet me in the hallway for 10 seconds. I just need a hug. Maybe we can pre plan that, right? Realistically setting it up for that ex. That proper expectation or utilizing that proper expectation. It's amazing how impactful a hug and somebody, somebody whispering to you. We're going to be okay, We've got this, right? We've got this. And just that ability to like, exhale and know that somebody is standing you, standing with you on this can be a very, very helpful place. You are very good at that, babe. You are very, very good at that, you know?

Well, especially if you're struggling in your marriage, it can be a really positive way to remind each other that you're on the same team in action. You're actually practicing it at a time where you're feeling like you're kind of on the rocks, but you can come together for a moment and experience that closeness that you've had in the past. You know, that's a really wonderful way to strengthen your bond in a time.

That'S hard, you know, And I really want to emphasize it is set up on the front side. The conversation is happening before you arrive at the party and everybody is very clear. I want you to think about this like a recipe. You have thought through what it is that would help you, right? Calm down, slow down, you know, gain those reassuring words or that physical touch that's reassuring to you. And if you'll be intentional about sharing that recipe in the form of an ask, you know, I'd really love your help. This would really help me a lot. Would you be willing to do this? And what is something that I can do for you if you will set it up like that on the front side? You do have something that you can both reach for when you need it, but not if you don't set it up. Not if you just listen to this podcast and do nothing with it. You got to do something with the skill. You got to do something with the information. So I want to talk for just a moment before we close out this session. Let's say you're in a place of separation and somebody has agreed to have a holiday party at the house and the kids are coming because you want to create a moment to normalize all that you've been going through these last few months. It's awkward because it's different and you're trying to create this experience where the kids can see their parents coming together and it's going to be okay. Essentially, we're reassuring the kids like this. You can use that same skill I just talked about to have conversations about how you're going to support each other in this. Before you arrive at the party with the kids. There's going to be some topics that we're not going to talk about. Right? How are you going to help and support each other? Are you going to help cook and set the table? Who's going to be in charge of what? What is it we want to collaborate and do with the kids? Like, the more we can talk about this, the better it's going to go. And allow yourselves to create something different. Don't try and make it all the same, same, same, same, same. Because it's a different time. We want to acknowledge that. But that doesn't mean it can't be a good time. And be realistic about what's available there. And for some of you, that is not going to be possible. And I want to speak to those as well. If that's not possible and we're still coming together to make this good for the kids, well, then you just make sure that you're showing up in the best way you possibly can. Being helpful, being a place of repose for your kids. I'm going to be mindful about the topics I bring up. I'm going to be mindful about the things I focus on sharing, and I'm going to be mindful of contributing in some small way to the event of the evening. Contribution creates connection and also set it up and manage your time. If an hour is going to be a lot for you to contribute in, then let it be an hour. Just show up and show up in the very best way you can. You have some of these agreements of recipe for yourself because you've thought through them. I can Set this up for a win for myself by creating agreements with myself. And if it's available, I can set this up for a win with my partner. And we can intentionally create agreements between us to make it good for the kids. So there's always a place where whatever is available, I can maximize it with some skills to the very best of my ability.

Yeah.

And I would say don't. Don't underestimate. Even if you're the only person that chooses to be proactive and show up in a different regard, believe me, it's going to be noticed. It will. Yes. It would be most ideal if you and your special someone, even if you're not in a good place at the moment, could be on the same page. But if not, because we're blessed to see this all the time. Oftentimes one person in a marriage or relationship will step up and start working with us. Even when, let's call this other person in a relationship the hesitant one doesn't. Oftentimes it's this change behavior with some new skills and the implementation of them that the hesitant part say, hey, what's going on on here? You know, so it's a place to start. Remember, we lead by example. It's hard and it's going to challenge us, but it's. I can. Well, Brooke has photographic memory of. She can share with you anything that she watched her mom and I go through. So your children are continuously watching. They don't really care about the words. They care about the demonstration, the behavior that's being demonstrated. That's what they will remember for sure.

Yeah. And. And last thing, you can't beat yourself up, like endlessly. If your ex. Partner, separated partner is not willing to come to the table and create this with you. You can't force them. You can't tie their hands and tie them to the table. That's not going to work either. So the next best option is you be that example of what you wish they would be yourself. That's all you can do.

And if it's not possible for us to gather as a family unit this year, that's okay. I can still create something with the kids. I can still do something with the kids. And please. Right, here's the thing. We can all bring the joy. And how do we bring the joy? We bring the joy because of the way I'm holding it. My own intentionality to bring the joy. And I'm going to be able to bring the joy if I am feeling settled in myself and I'm focusing on slowing down myself. And I'm focusing on contributing what I can realistically contribute to to others, right? I can bring the joy in those places and spaces not possible for me. Or I'm supposed to be able to contribute and do things that I am not capable or have the capacity to do in this moment. That's where any of us are going to act out and create not what it is we want, not bring the joy, but something that I don't want and that I regret later. So all the things that we've touched on today in this podcast episode are very specifically mentioned to help you bring the joy. Even though we might be going through a very difficult time right now, and you have the capacity and the ability to do that, that power is within you. And here are some skills to help you do it. Because you know what, I'm going to challenge you in your thinking about the holidays. Yes, they can be challenging as heck for all the reasons that we've mentioned on this podcast. But with some skills, it really could be a good season. It really could be a place where you could bring the joy and create a handful of moments that matter. Regardless of what your circumstances are, your relationship isn't too far gone, at least with yourself. To do that, you don't need a total overhaul. You just need some tools that can help you have one calmer conversation break, one painful pattern repair, one moment just a little faster, and ways to stay connected during one of the most stressful times of the year. That alone can change the direction of this season for you. And because of this, there's a lot of you that have been asking what it is you can do right now to study things before the holidays fully hit. So we've created, three of us have created something very special for you. It's simple, but it's just for this moment. And we're calling it the Holiday Survival Bundle. It's not a big, drawn out program. It's not slogging through heavy coursework and a thousand worksheets. It's a practical set of tools that you can use immediately. Things like communication, how to say what you need to say, how to phrase it, how to set it up, things like emotionally regulating yourself. We call them emotional weightlifting skills around here. And that's contained in the relationship rescue information that we have as part of this bundle. And then sex and intimacy skills. We need intimacy now more than ever. Well, how do we create it? How do we build it? How do we set the stage for it? And intimacy is much more than sexual intimacy means I'm Connecting with you in our ideas. I'm connecting with you emotionally. I'm connecting with you spiritually and intellectually. Like there's lots of different layers of intimacy and we need them. And also there's going to be a little thing Brooke named. I have to give her credit for this, the holiday stress test. And it literally is an assessment of your skills so that you know where those skills, stressful tension points are going to show up, not might show up, going to show up in your relationships right now. And then I'm even throwing in a private 20 minute call with me so that we can take this information and get you situated so that you can bring the joy this holiday season, even if it's in your own small way. So if the holidays already feel heavy and overwhelming and instead you want things to feel steadier, lighter, the holiday survival bundle is your absolute next best thing. Now here's the thing, because there's only one of me here, right? And my private practice is already busting at the seams. I love you private clients, but I know how frustrated you are trying to get in to see me. I have to limit this bundle to 20 people. So if you know you want this right now to set up and stage your holiday season in the very best way possible, I would urge you to do it now, right now. Because I really do have to close the doors at 20 because I don't want you to not get the help and support that you need this holiday season.

Take some, some real creative scheduling.

Let's just say that I'm following my own advice. I am realist, realistically extending what it is I can contribute to you, our great listeners, right this holiday season and 20 is my max.

I do want to say though that after the 20 bundles with the call are sold, you still can get the three courses in the bundle and the holiday Stress Test. It just won't come with the call.

Yeah, well said. It's, it's simple information, it's practical information and it's going to absolutely give you the skills that you can use today, not someday.

And if you want Stacy to help, she's going to, Stacy is going to review that your skills, the stress test, the holiday stress test assessment and work with thousands of people. That's a pretty good way for her to take a look at this and then put you on the quickest path to where she can help you skill up and have a holiday that will be much different than what you probably.

Are anticipating, what you're bracing for, right?

So believe me, no, but Stacy's very, very busy, as we all are. So, I mean, this is not fake scarcity. This is real scarcity. Just ask Stacey's clients. I mean, usually book four to eight weeks out as it is right now. So really, if this sounds like good and we've made it as affordable, it's less than a 50% if you just run the numbers. So we're doing this. This is very valuable as we can to help you.

It's our little holiday gift to you.

Exactly.

Yeah. Here's the deal. Love brought you together, but skills are going to keep you together, and you need them. We need to scale up. So, Bricky, do you have a little fan mail from our listeners?

This one comes from the United Kingdom, you said, hi, my name's Scott, and me and my partner have a child and we're having some space apart from I find your. I find your. I found your podcast, and it's amazing. It's really helping me through throughout my day. She's the avoidant, I'm the anxious. I would love some insight on how to approach her. I have a letter typed up on my phone, but I'm unsure whether it will help being an avoidant or will it make it worse. Thank you for your time.

I think that. I think the misunderstanding about avoiders is they really do want to connect. They just. They can't. Once the pressure sets in and the overwhelm sets in, they run. That's their coping style. So it's not. I think that's a real big misnomer. They want to connect. And so the greatest gift. And this is so frustrating to an anxious person. Like. Like, everybody has to do an emotional push up here because an anxious person, the last thing they want to hear is you've just got to give them a lot of permission. And they're like, what? I'd rather do anything but that. But it's. It's so true. And you get to see that everybody has to practice something different. Right. It's not all on one side either. An anxious person needs to slow down and steady themselves, and an avoidant needs to realize you've got time and permission. You don't need to avoid. It's safe to come close because they want to anyway. So the letter, as long as it's an invitation to say, hey, I hear some things I'd like to talk with you about.

Let me know a good time and take as much time as you need to kind of think through these things on your own, you'll be surprised at how ready they'll be to come back and have some of those conversations and shares with you. If you'll just give me the space and place to kind of like, you know, think through them. And I'm not on the spot feeling pressured to come up with answers and information right now. So tell me the things you want to talk about, give them to me in advance and then let's schedule a time to come and have these conversations. It'll go much better.

Our Follow the Fun Today I decided that I was going to take that idea of planning helpful things and that recipe as a as a super tip here. So I thought it would be fun to do the hand squeeze pact. So we come up with our special hand squeeze, right? So it could mean we get to determine it, but it's a non verbal cue that might mean let's go take a pause or I need to reconnect with you right now or let's exit gracefully. Time to go. Can we wrap this up in 15 minutes? You know, or say I see you, I've got you, right? It's okay. Take a breath. You know, anything that we want to put in there as a recipe we can so what would your squeeze mean? Maybe it's help me not murder my brother in law right now or please rescue me from this conversation. Oh my gosh, I don't know how to get out of it. Or maybe it just simply means I love you even though we're in this awkward moment. Thanks for making this happen. Thanks for showing up. So create your signal and practice it again before those big moments. This is a practical, playful and connective tool that you can use especially for those of us who don't have the words ready yet but still want to feel like we're on the same team. It's a great little tool. Our song. And don't anybody like throw tomatoes or anything?

Wow.

The holiday magic isn't about pretending everything is perfect. It's about showing up with the presence, softness and skills like the willingness to squeeze a hand when words aren't ready yet. Right? We can do this. We absolutely can learn how to practice and bring more joy to this holiday season. There really can be more moments that we remember and cherish even though we're going through a difficult time.

So Happy Holidays. It's a good song. It takes me back to childhood big time. Thank you so much for being here inside the Love Check with us today and if this conversation has moved you, helped you feel a little more seen, or has given you something to think about, please consider sharing it with someone that you care about. That's how this podcast grows. Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping us do that. And remember, love isn't enough, but skills are. Learn them, practice them, and live them. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on, ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us at Love Shack Life to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.