#244: Why does loving someone feel like losing myself?

Have you ever said yes just to avoid an argument? You agree to take it on. You promise you'll change. You nod along, even though inside you're thinking, I can't keep doing this. That's not weakness. That's an agreement that needs to be looked at. Last week we shared part one of this special two episode series from the Better Love Club. That class was all about how real connection is created. Today in part two, we're talking about what blocks and it unhealthy agreements. We're sharing these replays while Tom and I are in Italy checking out the venue for our 2026 couples retreat. I also want to reassure those who are part of the Better Love Club that we've removed all student voices. This is Love Shack Live, the podcast for people at a relationship crossroads. If daily fights are wearing you down, if the gap between you keeps growing and you still want a love that lasts, you're in the right place. I'm Stacy Bartley, a relationship mentor, joined by my lover and co host Tom and our daughter Brooke. I'm think about it. Maybe you promise to stop bringing up money or to be the one who always texts first or to say yes to intimacy even when you don't feel close. On the outside it looks fine, but on the inside it feels heavy, fake and exhausting. Today I'll show you how to tell when an agreement isn't serving you and how to shift it without turning it into a blow up. So here's the question. What happens when you stop saying a tired yes and start speaking one true sentence instead? Let's explore this together. Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack. In our previous conversations about agreements, our movies and our narratives and things that we can make up, what happens when those need to be realigned with really reality? Because I've had so many assumptions and expectations about you, about me, about us, about where we should be and how it was supposed to go and what was supposed to happen. That the agreements that I make with myself are everything in fact, in a broken agreement, the one who pays the ultimate price for that broken agreement. Not suggesting that there is an impact for a broken agreement, but I pay the ultimate price for them. That I have really let myself down. And so when I'm raging at somebody for the experience that I'm having, who am I really angry at? 9 times out of 10 it's going to be me for right? Not listening or not knowing or not understanding or not remembering or didn't know it, didn't say it didn't speak up, didn't correct the narrative and now here I am, it's the broken agreements with myself. So there's a saying, nobody can punish us more than we punish ourselves. And I truly believe that. Because even if I'm acting it out on you, and I think it's a fascinating human behavior lesson that the more I act out on others, the more I'm in conflict with myself. And just think about that for a minute. Like the more conflicted I am with me, the more I'm upset at everyone and everything around me and I'm gonna act it out or I have the ability to understand it and make some different choices and align with what it is I sense or feel or I need to know to do. So you can kind of start to see your example that we can still come together, have real time conversations with real faces and families. Now think about what I just said. If I don't have the ability to make that discernment, discerning choice and those experiences within myself to essentially rudder me through any given moment, even if I'm a mess making machine, what are we going to see more about in the world? Follow, did that make sense? We're going to see more conflict because I'm more in conflict. I'm going to start doing what someone or some machine tells me to do instead of thinking on my own ability to understand myself and to have agreements in place with me that mean something to me. So then life loses its meaning. That's going to be a problem. You want to see humans flatline, take out all the meaning even when they're going through a difficult time. You want to see humans flatline, put them in cycles of doubt, incessant cycles of doubt, because they can't find their own footing and make their own choices and find where it is they want to adjust and go again. You want to see human beings break down, Let them think that mistreating another is a life giving aspect. That's going to help them feel better about themselves. And we'll all turn into monsters. Not just a few of us, all of us. So it's important that we are able to resource and build agreements and relationships within ourselves. Because if not, we won't have relationships outside of ourselves either will be very afraid, very terrified, very anxious, very fearful. The more fearful I am then the more I need to protect myself and act out right, not the other way around. So agreements are important. They matter. We don't talk about them enough when it comes to relationships with me, with others, but they're Also very romantic and they're also very sexy and they're also very life giving and they can tell us a lot about how I'm living either in alignment and congruence with me and others and the world around me. We're not. So let's close our eyes and now let's ground and let's really think about this. Let's think about why you have your eyes closed and you're breathing and you're settling into your body right now. Let's think about that relationship that you have with yourself and where you go within yourself to find that foundation, that rootedness, that sense of, hey, I know you. You are a familiar person to me that I most of the time love to hang out with. Yeah, that how I treat myself in. The agreements that I make with you, me, myself, as I put my hand on my heart, are the most important agreements I will ever make in my life. Because there's only one relationship in the whole world that's going to last me a lifetime and that's one with me. It was here when I started. It will be here when I let go of this earthly experience. It's me and oh as human beings, how ready we are to roll over on those agreements with ourselves and the hopes of obtaining love and acceptance and meaning outside of ourselves without realizing it's always right here for the taking. If I'll just settle in and remember that it's important. It matters. I matter. How I show up for myself matters, how I treat myself matters. And yes, even the agreements that I break within myself and justify and we all do it matter. So take a big breath in and exhale. Just let it all go. Knowing that as you sit right here, right now, you matter. If you didn't do another damn thing on this earth, you would already matter. You're already enough. You're already deserving of all the good experiences from being a human being. Here, the only requirement is you're alive. You get to live. You get to do another day. And that entitles you to everything this world has to offer you. And I don't say that without sincerity. It really is true. The only question is, will you allow yourself to reach for it? Will you allow yourself to build a very deep relationship with yourself that will be the foundation of all good things? Doesn't mean there won't be challenging days. It just means good things. So take another big inhale and exhale. Let anything that's percolating up for you in this conversation be revealed. There's no reason to hold Back now. Exhale anything that you want to just let go. Anything is still gnawing at you. Exhale that out. Feel your feet on the ground. Ground yourself in this moment. And on your next inhale, open your eyes and come back to the room. Who in the group, when we step into the conversation of commitments and agreements, has a bit of a small, sweaty armpit experience? Because I just want you to know that's pretty common. That's pretty normal. Just because we don't really understand why flexibility would actually help. Take me in the direction that I want to go. If we have flexible agreements, then I want you to notice how unsettled we can feel, because that means that not only can I, I be flexible within my own gift to myself, but that means the partner that I'm with gets to as well. Oh, now, wait a minute, hold on. Timeout. I like the idea of maybe me being able to be a little flexible, but there are things that I want to be able to predict and count on as almost a money back guarantee for stepping into this relationship requirement that, I don't know, I want to give you. That's terrifying. Oh, you start talking about that. Ooh, that's scary stuff. That's scary business. We can't, we can't be. We can't be going there. Like, that's kind of the only thing that's holding us together is the fact that we're plodding through the obligations of what we said we would do and who we said we were going to be. Now just think about that for a minute. And. And we do that stuff for decades. Not just months and days and weeks and years. We do that stuff for decades because we want to be good people. We want to make good on our agreements and our promises in the beginning. And so the fact that we can change them seems very terrifying. Anybody want to speak to that? I mean, it can. It. Can we rush? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say, I got to believe that there's some, there's some stuff here. I know this because I have done it. And I know many people have rushed to the altar to give us some kind of a sense of foundation or guarantee in our relationship that's probably failing. We think it's going to give us something that we don't already have. We do change. And I think the thing that really freaks us out about flexible agreements is that we won't be able to create long lasting relationships because with flexibility, we can't count on anything. Anybody feel that way sometimes? Like, like if there's going to be flexibility in this conversation. Well, then how in the hell does anybody stay together? Because we. We've been enough. We've been enough of a rodeo, if we're being honest here, right. We know that relationships get real from time to time. They're messy, and they take everything we got. So if. If it's not going to be the agreement and the commitment that keep us in it, then what does? I want you to ponder on that question for a moment. Ooh, this is the cliffhanger, right? What is it we're going to talk about? But I want you to. I just want you to, like, dig for it for a minute. What is it? It's obviously not agreements. Just think about that for a minute. If it were truly commitment, and we all have seen examples, if, if not from our parents, our grandparents, who eeked it out to the bitter end, and were they better off for it? Maybe, maybe not. There is a price that was paid there. I had a grandmother who was a hypochondriac, struggled with mental health and just went to bed. They eked out 75 years because of that. Because of that obligation of commitment, which in our generation, the baby boomer generation, there was a lot of conversation about, I don't want that. I don't know where I'm going, but I certainly don't want to recreate that. We didn't know what we were doing. If we're telling the truth, we just knew we weren't doing that. And we. We blew up a whole new lingo and experience for our children. It was messy because we didn't know what we were doing either. We just knew that we didn't want to live in a. In a space and place of obligation. And, and as we've talked about, you know, that swinging contrast of trying to correct what we experience so we go hard. The other side, it causes us to go, no. Well, maybe we need to go back to obligation. Maybe. But remember, between two polar opposites is a whole lot of stuff. So I'm going to give you that little tidbit. So, honestly, getting all in. Well, there's two things. The statement death do us part. At what point in time are we going to quantify the death? Woof. Are we going to quantify in the physical form when they take their last breath, or are we going to quantify it when there's nothing left of me or you? Mentally and emotionally? At what point in time do we call the death. That's. That's a. That's a tough one. To wrap our head around. But I'm going to tell you, death comes in lots of different phases, just like love does. And if we're going to eke it out to the very, very bitter end, when you take your last breath, it might be a very bitter emotional relationship with myself and others. Why? Because I'm never going to address the places and spaces where I'm out of alignment or out of integrity with myself. We all know what it feels like in our relationships to be bitter and resentful. Why do we become bitter and resentful? Because I'm asking myself to do things that are outside of my own places of integrity. Just think about that for a minute. That's what makes me bitter. The fact that you still require me to say and do these things. I really don't want to say and do anymore or be this person or give these things or fix that stuff or be responsible for that shit. I'm sick of it. When I say I'm sick of it, that means somewhere in the mix I'm probably violating my own voice. And I'm going to reiterate again. It's not about what we do. It's really not even about what happens. What matters is how I feel about what I do and what happens. I'm going to say that again. It's not about what I do. I could give and give and give and serve and love and carry and haul. But if I'm feeling pissed off and resentful because I won't allow myself to say no or speak up or. Or try something else that I've been longing and dying to try forever, but I'm too afraid of how you're going to react. So I just don't do it. I'm pissed. I'm still doing the same stuff. But if I'm choosing in to do it, if I'm good with doing, if I get a lot of fulfillment out of doing it, I can do it and do it and do it and do it and do it and do it and do it and do it and do it. So it's not about what we do and it's not about what the circumstances are. It's about how I feel about what I do in those circumstances around us that create the frustration, the anger, the resentment, the bitterness. So now think about a relationship that's based in obligation, where I don't have a voice, I can't speak up, we can't change it, it can't be life giving. I can't explore something that might better serve You. So you're acting bitter to me and frustrated and resentful, and I'm giving it right back to you. But hey, we're true to the agreements. We're all dying a very insufferable, slow death. But hey, we're in it. We're doing it. So just comments, questions, thoughts about that. We all know what it's like to be there because we've all done it and we've all been upset at other people for doing it to us when they were bitter and resentful and frustrated, but also thought that this is what I wanted. And so they kept giving it to me. And I didn't know. I didn't know that it was costing them something because we're not talking about it. I didn't know that they were overextending. Over giving was just great to have the help and have the support or I need help and support, but I didn't feel like I could get it. And when I did try and do, it didn't go so well. Bitter anger, resentment. We can't. We can't renegotiate this thing. And if I go back, who am I better at? Guess what I'm going to likely do if I don't resolve that and realize I need to make some changes and choices for myself that I will stand for and I will honor and I respect. I'll be very fearful and watchful that it will happen again. So I must protect myself, which makes me a martyr and a victim before I ever step into the relationship space again. Because I still haven't really understood that this is for me. This is a message for me. I take it out on others, but this is a message for me. Can you guys start to see how this threads through agreements? Isn't that what we do with agreements? Oh, we're just gonna pretend like it's okay and it's no big deal or when there is tremendous disappointment there. What is the disappointment? Asking for a reality check. Right. I woke up thinking about our class this morning. And one of my favorite places is that space you hang out in between awake and asleep, but you're aware that you are not asleep and you are aware that you're not awake. I think they have lots of names for it, but it's kind of this dream state. And I love to hang out there because, you know, you can kind of live in quasi imagination, but you have the cognitive ability to think about how that would apply in reality. And so I really practice hanging out there just because I enjoy it for no Other reason. But sometimes this is where new frameworks and teachings and drawings and, you know, things I want to write about, talk about, share, comes. It comes to me here. Stacy got up when she typically doesn't get up. And I could tell it wasn't usual because she went straight for something to write in a writing utensil. No, for real. I haven't seen it a while. It's kind of cool because I know usually when that happens, there's something she'd been working on. Stacy works stuff through the sleep. I just freaking go to sleep, you know. But here's the other piece. You know what's interesting about that is I. My eyes flew open and I thought, oh, my gosh, this is another great way I'd want to draw contrast and the emotional experiences we have as human being to have this conversation tonight. The minute I truly start stepping into being awake, it starts to fade. And so I'm literally with my pad and my pen, closing my eyes, trying to take myself back to that. That elusive kind of dreamy state so that I can remember cognitively what it was I had stumbled on. And it took me a minute, right. I've heard this space called Chasing the tail of a tiger, where you get the idea and you grab just enough of it, but then it's like you've got to wrangle it in because there is a difference between being awake and asleep in the dream state. And no kidding, you all. I know when I see that, like, I don't say a thing because I don't want to disrupt it. Then it's gone. Yeah, It's. It's. It's 100% gone. You start adding new thoughts, and then the brain can't remember what it was. Just remembering a few minutes ago that while you're experiencing it, you're so certain you'll never forget it. Have any of you had that experience in a dream state? Oh, I don't need to write this one down. This idea, this thought. I don't need to capture it. Like, this one is so congruent and spot on with me. I'll never forget it. And then you wake up and it's like, shit, what was it? It was so important. It's so resonated. It was so aligned. It was so. And it's. It's gone. It's absolutely gone. Okay, now take that experience and think about the things we make up in our wake state that are simply not true. In the invisible emotional state of our lives, it logically makes sense. Just like on the Flip side, when I'm asleep, it makes so much sense and resonates with me so deeply. That emotionally invisible stuff. I'll never forget it. Well, on the flip side, I can be so cognitively sure that this is the way it's gonna go. And this is the truth of all things. And surely everybody knows. And I want you to see. It's just like making stuff up in my illusion. That then collides with the realities of what is. When I open my eyes or when I engage with another person. Or I try and pretend like everything is okay. In the relationship dynamics between us. I have made it all up in my head logically. But when we step into the emotional experience of it all. It is not congruent there at all. It's a whole lot of illusion and pretend. And I can't remember why. I might even start to push an agenda about what I've made up as true. But if we can't renegotiate and talk about these things. Then very often the commitments and the agreements that we have between us. Will become the chokehold that strangles us. Because we will keep pretending that it's okay. As long as we keep checking these boxes. And realizing that every day that passes. That this disconnect between us is growing. But we won't address it because of the agreements and the commitments and the fear around it. We'll snuff ourselves out. It'll be just like when I go from sleep to wake. I won't remember. All I'll know is that it was supposed to go a certain way. And how dare you? How dare you destroy my life? Our happiness, our family. We say things like that without realizing. Oh, look. But we all had a part in this. We just didn't know what we didn't know. We didn't realize that, oh, those places and spaces where you felt like there was this huge disconnect happening. That canyon emotionally. But we were just so sure in our logical illusions. That if I kept checking the boxes, everything was going to be just fine. No, it's not just fine. Because the reality of what is emotionally in the invisible between us is it's not okay. And I've been getting signals all along the way, but I won't say anything. I'll just keep checking the boxes. And it will snuff us out. Just realizing and acknowledging that we have this invisible illusion state and place that we live in. Thank goodness that's where we go in our creativity and our imagination. And we can step into that place and space. When we're going through a challenge in real time. But that, that that side, just as easily as the logical side can, can create a whole lot of problems if I don't understand how to navigate it. Illusion, right? Whether it's completely optimistic and I don't want to look at the reality of what is, or I want to stay off the pain and the disappointment for somebody. So I'll keep a secret or I'll take responsibility for it. I'm perpetuating the elusive at a price. We make it up that it's no big deal in our logic, but it's illusion. And then in my logic, I can rationalize all kinds of things, I can justify all kinds of things, I can make up all kinds of expectations and assumptions based on real life data and experiences. So my logic feels like it's really, really on point until it collides with what it didn't know and didn't understand and the perspective that it wasn't having, the awareness that it missed. And again, that's what conflict is, that's what disappointment is. When we're operating from very different perspectives and we all are in our relationships and then they collide with the reality of what is, that's what happens. So if we're afraid of conflict, which most of us are, if we're afraid of renegotiating agreements and commitments within ourselves, that we're going to be a hot mess for that one just right there. But then with you, that's, that's another hot mess that we don't realize we're creating. And I'm in my illusion of logic making it up that that's the best path to go because I don't know any different. Not because I'm disingenuous and don't want this to go well, because I don't know what I don't know. And then we have the fallout of somebody saying, hey, I don't know that I want to do this anymore. And what are you talking about? I've been checking all the boxes and doing my part. I mean, sure, it wasn't all that great for me either, but I need you to stay true to the commitment here. What the hell? And then I can make up a whole thing about that I'm better than you because I'm keeping the commitment. You just had the balls to say it. We all were feeling it though. We're being honest. And I'm not saying that that isn't a difficult thing. What I'm trying to propose here is I'm going to answer the question what keeps us together? It's not that. It's not living in pretend and illusion. It's not having agreements and commitments that strangle us until there's nothing left of us mentally and emotionally. Sure, I'm still breathing, but that's about all I got going for me. On one side or both. So what is it? Do you remember last month when we talked about I reveal? You witness. Any of you remember that conversation? We have the sweet spot and the ability to go there any old time we need to. Even when my armpits are shaking and my voice is cracking. Because what I'm about to say is one of the most brave, courageous things I've ever done. And I go there because I know if I don't, I'm probably living an illusion and from a place of logic that is turning you into a malicious. So I go there taking responsibility for my part, revealing what hurts, the disappointment, the spaces and places that I made up, I was anticipating, expecting, assuming, etc. And I'm with somebody who most of the time, not all of the time, because they're human too. Sometimes we hear things that are really hard and then we have to reset and come back around to it. But we both know there's places and spaces I need to reveal and you need to witness them, not fix them, not judge them, not criticize them, ignore them, but just be with them. And you may not even feel the same. And then you have also the willingness, maybe not the ability right now, but the willingness to return the favor to me as I step into, the willingness to do that for you. That is what we call the intimate sweet spot of relationship. And if we can go there, even though we don't solve a damn thing, the circumstances don't change, but we have the ability to lean in. I don't want to go anywhere. And we can talk and explore and add in and, and try and build. And that's really where co creation happens, right there. And if we don't have the ability to be flexible with our commitments and our agreements, then what are we going to talk about? Here's what I need. Here's what I'm struggling with. Here's what is coming up and disappointing me. Here are the places I can't continue to give because I can see my own self turning into a monster that I don't want to be. We got to switch this up. I'm noticing I'm bitter and frustrated and resentful. I don't want to feel that way. I got to reach for you because if I just continue to go along with what we're doing and checking the boxes, the emotional canyon that we can't see but do. Absolutely. Experience is going to grow. So I got to reach for you as you reach for me and that's what keeps us together. Because there's a safe place to bring me and there's a safe place that you get to bring you. And we're going to do everything we possibly can, all the emotional push ups to make sure that that exchange happens. Because if I reach for you and you reach back for me, we can go anywhere or not solve a damn thing, but just share it, lean in on each other, it's everything. Does that make sense? We think it's that we've got to grip the heck out of our partners and ourselves and force and push and obligate and ensure and track and no, none of that. Because it all doesn't create safety to go into that sweet spot. But if there was safety and space, you're acknowledging that it's precious but it's a risk and there's no guarantees here. So my best place is to find somebody that some days, God help me, Jacob Bush, I'm so pissed at you. I wish I didn't care so much, damn it. I wish I could just lose my on you and be done with it. Right. It seems so easy sometimes, right. But it's like I care about you. Why? Some days it's like that and then I pull myself together and I do everything I possibly can to step into the sweet spot and inviting you to join me. And if you'll join me there, we got something. If you won't for whatever reason join me there, well then it's going to be a struggle and I have some really difficult choices to make. But that's what keeps relationships that thrive together because we keep choosing in to that and I keep choosing into extending and developing my ability to witness you and the courage and the bravery to reveal myself. And you do the same even when it's hard, even if we got to take a minute, even when I got to go shake a bush first. Just want to do it with you. Be so easy sometimes not to do it with you, but I want to do it with you. Now you got something, that's what you got. And, and so this is why we say relationships are the classroom. They are the best teachers we have in our lives and just because we've checked the box of marriage, that's a really great start. But marriage isn't going to give Me or this relationship with somebody, anything that it doesn't already have. And sometimes we don't even know what we have because we think these things that are simply not rooted in principle. And we don't know what we don't know. So we got to vet that out, right? It's all a learning journey. So we won't know that it's best for me to not get into a relationship right now until I get into one and then go, whoa, I don't know that I'm ready for this. Or, whoa, I didn't know that. This is how I'm like you. And we say things like, you're not the person I met. Well, maybe. And that's probably true because everybody has evolved along the way. I didn't start out here, but this is where I'm at now, personally and collectively. So I. I understand the conflict. It. It is a. That's why, you know, it is a conversation that brings about a lot of emotion for us. Because if it's not the marriage, if it's not the agreements, if it's not the lifelong commitment until death do us part, which I'm all about, I just don't want there to be a premature death before I take my final breath. I want it to be a death right together. I want us to travel as far as we can together, but intact, physically and emotionally and mentally. I want it all. And in my humble opinion, that's what having it all means. We have the ability to travel together intact. There's nobody that has a premature death mentally, emotionally, before we have one, physically. Not interested in that, Wouldn't recommend it. And I'm expecting this idea of marriage to give me something that the relationship doesn't already have. It's not to minimize it. It is a great act of I'm all in with you, but at the end of the day, that I'm all in with you happens more emotionally than it does financially. Contract, contractually, you know, divorce is. It's very uneventful. When you get through the nuts and bolts of it, you figure out custody and the debts and the liabilities, and that's that you're done. But it's the emotional part that's so disappointing because I thought that this was going to be the thing that was going to be here with me forever. And the things that I miss are all of the emotional parts and pieces. Right? Divorce doesn't fix that. Marriage doesn't handle that. You know, it's a very transactual and contractual type of an experience. So Sometimes we just forget that in our agreements and our, our commitments, right? If we, if we can come back to the table and access that sweet spot even when it's hard. And again, I'm brave and courageous enough to reveal myself to you. You are regulated and can do an emotional push up long enough to witness me in that place. Not fix it, not judge it, not correct it, just stand there with me in it. And then we can flip spaces and places so that the door swings both ways. We got something really special. We got something really special. We may not solve anything, but we know that we can go there when we need to, when we turn into a hot mess or you turn into a hot mess. And that's what I mean by reach for each other. But we've got to be able to renegotiate what's working because it's going to take me places I didn't know it was going to take me to this agreement and commitment. It might take me places I didn't know it was going to take me. Anybody written a book, anybody started a business, anybody had a baby, you go, oh, this is going to be so great. Oh, I'm going to knock it out of the park. It's going to be so great. And you start in with all this passion and commitment, then you start bumping into all kinds of things. It's challenging me. I didn't know that it was going to be like that. And even having this conversation, we don't know how it's going to impact us in our own special places and spaces and ways. We're all going to learn something from it. That's the only guarantee I can give you. It's going to teach us something about ourselves and about each other and about relationships and about life. It's a brave, courageous thing to pick yourself up off the pavement and, and the elusive quality is, gosh, I can just protect myself and buy into the idea that I'm never going to fall in love again. And then that's it. My logic can go, that's it. I just won't love ever again. That's it. And in that very illogical illusion, I don't realize what I'm signing my myself up for is a tremendous amount of pain and disappointment, some more. Because I want to love. I want to be loved. I want to contribute to something bigger and better than myself. I want to co create. It's the path of expansion. And so then I'm going to refuse to allow myself to expand and just keep myself small. And I'm going to miss out on the greatest classroom of life, which is love. So it's not going to save us. Not going to save us. So the brave, courageous, less painful route is to go, okay, let me learn from this. Let me understand myself. Let me understand more about how to navigate this so it's not so scary. And then I'll find that I have the confidence and the resiliency to let go and step in somewhere else with the same person again or something new and different. Because I now know where that foundation is within myself to navigate it from. I have my expectations, adjusted in my assumptions about what this is going to give me, adjusted just a little bit to where I can step it in from yet another place of better reality about myself, about me, about what works, about what doesn't, about loving. When I over give, when I overextend, when I get scared and attack, we all do it. We're all gonna do would just behoove us to understand where and how, you know, and it's uncanny how we attract people who have a lot to teach us and, and it comes in this place of like, oh, you're just the best thing that's ever happened to me. That's when you know, oh, this is gonna be a good one. You got a really good one that's gonna, it's gonna teach and show you wonderful things. I didn't say it was going to be easy. I just said it was going to be worth it. There will be places. The better you get at it, the more time in the space of enjoyment you'll have. You'll know how to get back there as quickly as you possibly can. Like we say, get back to the good stuff, stuff fast. Take all the time you need. Not a second more fast. We hang out in the suffering too long. Yeah. And if I, if I know and I have the confidence and the ability and the wherewithal to recognize and realize when an agreement that I have made with you with my whole heart and soul, yesterday, last year, last night, all of a sudden I wake up and go, oh boy, this isn't feeling so good. What does that feel like? Regret, tension, dread. I'm shut down, I go numb. That's going to be a moment or as fast as I possibly can. We got to talk. I think I've over committed or overextended or, or thought I was way more capable or had way more capacity than I thought I did. I'm sorry. Take full responsibility for that. But here's what I'm thinking now with my new level of awareness I can offer. How about this and this and this and this? And that doesn't mean that all of a sudden we're going to stop loving each other. It doesn't mean that all of a sudden I'm going to want to go have a relationship with somebody else. Because if we can tweak the little nuances here, I don't want to go anywhere else. If I can do this with you, why would I want to go anywhere else? I don't. That's the truth. And so you start to see where that. That value that I place on myself has a huge part to play in this, don't I? Just like you were saying, all right, I'm going to let go. Because if. If you don't want this, then I really have nothing to give you. But somebody else will find value in it, I'm certain, because I have a lot here to give. There's a lot of good here. And maybe it's just not what you need anymore to grow or thrive or. Or maybe it threatens you. I'll never forget my. My ex husband saying, the thing that upsets me and pisses me off about you is you're too pure. I wish you'd up more. He and I quote because what I was reflecting back to him in the contrast, he's a wonderful person. But what I was reflecting back in the contrast to him is all the places where he felt internally he was dropping the ball and then he started to pull back and avoid it and he didn't want to look at it. He got upset with me, took it out on me, started using all kinds of things to cope. And it really wasn't me. It was himself he was running from, not me. Does that make sense? Yeah. And we've all probably done it our version of that, so not pointing fingers either, but we don't know that when we fool around and fall in love. And you know what? At that point in time in my life, he was the best thing that ever happened to me because he taught me a lot about relationships and love. A lot still to this day. And when I see him, I kiss him and thank him for it every time. I had a lot of illusions about love and how they were supposed to go. He blew up every single one of them. All right, all right. Let's all quickly put our hands on our hearts and thank ourselves for being here and sharing your perspective, your takeaways yourselves with each other so matters. Thank yourself. Soothe yourself. It's okay to be where you are. These emotions around agreements and commitments come up for us to look at them. It doesn't mean anything about you or who you are or your experiences. It's just opportunities for us to understand better. So give yourself some grace and some love. Go get a glass of water. Go for a walk. Know that we're here, connected forever and always until I see you again. Have a wonderful week. If you have some questions or thoughts that come up between now and then about our conversation, let me know. And pay attention on the Spark Channel because there's going to be some fun. Just little bits that happen about helping you see and understand when maybe an agreement needs to be renegotiated. What does it feel like? What does it smell like? What does it look like? What's coming up, right? And then notice what comes up. When you think about renegotiating, you're going to notice some fears that come up and some insecurities, maybe some doubts and maybe some old paradigms that you've lived from or bought into or believed. And then there's going to be some comforting things about those agreements too. Kind of like we touched on tonight. I did keep my agreement did it? Was the agreement that could have played out in so many different places and spaces. So there was lots of ways to look at these things. There's many things to learn here, so be gentle, take it slow. That's fast. Now I look forward to us being together again. That wraps up this special two part series from the Better Love Club. Last week we explored how how connection is really created and today we dug into the kinds of agreements that block it. If you missed part one, go back and give it a listen. The two really build on each other and if this hit home for you, I'd love to invite you to my masterclass, what to say and not say During Space. You can watch the Evergreen version anytime or join me live for the next sessions in 2025. On October 16th and 18th, in 90 minutes, I'll walk you through exactly what to reach out for and when to hold back and the words that actually help instead of hurt. You'll also get scripts you can use right away. All the details and links are waiting for you in the show notes. I look forward to connecting with you soon. All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on, ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us at love shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. 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