#250: How to Navigate Holiday Conflict When Your Relationship Is Already on Edge

Have you ever walked into a holiday gathering with a smile on your face and a knot in your stomach? You're holding a plate of cookies in one hand and a pile of unspoken history in the other. Someone makes a casual comment, and suddenly it's not just about dinner. It's about that conversation that you never had, that wound that you never healed, and that misunderstanding that no one ever really cleared up. And now. Now you're sitting at a table full of people you love. If that's you, I want you to know something. You. You're not crazy for feeling off during the most wonderful time of the year. Because here's the truth. The holidays don't create conflict. They magnify what's been left unresolved. This is Love Shack Live, a podcast for anyone standing at a relationship crossroads. Those navigating daily conflicts and emotional gaps or that quiet ache of wanting more than what's happening right now. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship skills mentor who spent over a decade helping couples rebuild connection in the moments they feel lost. And I'm here with my co host and lover Tom, and our daughter Brooke. And in today's episode. Episode, we're going to talk about what conflict really is, why it's unavoidable, and how to clean up emotional messes without creating new ones. So take a breath with me, and let's make this the year you stop pretending everything is fine and start practicing the skills that bring you back together.

Hey.

Thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

So the holidays are supposed to be joyful. Told that over and over and over. From the music to the cards to the Hallmark movies. Oh, the Hallmark movies. I forgot about those. How could I forget about?

I have a brother that loves the Hallmark movies.

And the. The. And the social media posts of everyone having a yes. Christmas tree and fire. Kids are in matching pajamas, and you're like, they must have a perfect marriage.

Hot chocolate with marshmallows on top.

But unfortunately for so many people, they activate stress. It's stress that gets activated. Old wounds, unspoken tension in, you know, in the body. Like. Like everybody starts to tighten. It's not just the to do list and the money. It's the people. You don't just walk into a house during the holidays for yet one more gathering. You actually walk into a history of memories, old misunderstandings, unresolved hurts, unspoken resentments, unfinished conversations, and. And that's why one comment can sting more than it really should. That's why sitting next to your partner feels lonelier than being alone. And that's why you dread certain family gatherings for reasons you can't quite explain. It's the history that's unresolved that we're all holding.

It's almost like it's in the ethers.

Yes. They amplify expectations and financial stress and emotional history and fatigue and family roles. Oh, I'm the black sheep. Well, that's the golden child. Oh, that one over there, that's the truth teller. They've been hung many times, right? It all comes out. And even, you know, I'm the youngest of five and I'm now in my 60s, for hell's sakes. But every time I go home for the holidays, guess who the baby is. And guess who gets treated like the baby? Moa. Right? I'm always going to be the baby, regardless of how old I get in that family role. And we all have a family role, right? So under this pressure, our sensitivities, I. E. Whatever is unresolved, it totally comes to the surface. It's sitting right there for us. You're not just meeting people. You are meeting people who used to be something to you. You're meeting people who you wished they were or could turn into, who they failed to be for you. They failed to show up for you and who they became without you. And those bring up big things, right? It's. It's the people in these places and spaces that we don't know how to talk about. So this is why tiny comments feel huge, eye contact feels loaded and silence feels like a lot of meaning, like a lot is being said but nothing's been said at all.

It's really the perfect convergence this time of year. And I don't think it's. We really understand. It's a Super bowl of all this to just be perfectly so called brought together. And it's just supposed to be this most wonderful time of the year. That. That's really. That's.

Wow.

It's no wonder we have challenges.

And then here's the best part is all of this is coming up. There's nowhere for it to go. So it gets choked in our throats. We pretend and play along until we explode. We pretend to avoid ruining the holidays when we bite our tongues. We fake our way through. We delay hard conversations and then wonder why everything blows up around the dining room table, right? From that eye glance or that comment. And everybody goes, oh, here we go again. You know, so and so's doing it. They're doing it. I was hoping we were going to be able to avoid it.

This year, it's just like a. One of those sparks away from that ignition.

You know, we don't realize how close we are. We have all the tinder, and all it takes is a bit of a flat, tiny spark, and we're off to the races. We are absolutely off to the races, but because we have so many unresolved things about who I wanted you to be, how I wanted you to show up, the places and spaces where I feel disappointed or hurt or betrayed. It's all coming up because we're together. But then there's nowhere for it to go because, yeah, it probably isn't the best time and place to take care of it or resolve it or have that conversation. Right. And so we try and hang onto it as best we can, but sometimes the person that I'm needing to resolve it with doesn't even have the capacity to meet me there. So even if I were to bring it up, it's not going to go well, even if I used all my best stuff. And so it's. It's a really challenging moment where moments. It all comes up and then there's no place for it to go.

Right.

It's. It's sitting in my throat. All right? And I'm angry and I'm shut down, and I'm disappointed, and I'm. I'm sensitive and I'm on edge. So it doesn't take much to send us over the edge as the emotion.

Gets away from us. So are we gonna. You gonna give us some hope here?

Yeah, absolutely. I think we ought to start by talking about what conflict really is.

Okay.

And why it's unavoidable. Most of us have a terrible relationship to the idea of conflict.

Fair enough, right? Yes.

If I were to ask you, listener, right now, what comes up for you when you think of conflict? Man. And most of us are either get the pitchfork or conflict. That's bad. And only bad people create conflict. Right. No. Conflict is present, ever present, and is completely unavoidable. So if we think about it like this, what creates conflict? Conflict happens when the expectations and assumptions that I have for myself or I have for others collides with the reality of what actually is or isn't taking place. It's a collision with reality. Now, I really want to normalize this. I want you to think about the conflict that you internally feel. When I'm expecting myself to be somewhere I'm not or feel the way that I don't, or get conflicted in regards to feeling sad I'm expecting myself to not feel the way I feel. And I'm expecting myself to be somewhere I'm not. And that in and of itself, that collision. Right. Is going to create internal conflict for myself. And. And then we can do this with others. I can expect that you're going to behave a certain way or that because I've done certain things for you, with you, because of you, I'm going to get something out of it. So that expectation and that assumption is an illusion that I'm making up in my own mind. And then it's going to collide with the reality that you weren't thinking that at all or you chose to do something different. And that spins up conflict.

I think that when you say the word conflict, it like, triggers a lot of people pleasers, which are typically also people who have anxious attachment style because they naturally want to, you know, remove the anxiety and make sure everyone's good. And then you can feel okay inside of yourself, but only if you know that everyone is good before that. And so I feel like naturally you want to avoid all conflict. Just like you said, conflict is bad. And only bad, bad people create conflict.

Especially during this time of year. There, There are so many expectations and so many things that you feel you have to do to keep the traditions alive. And if you don't do it, it won't really be Christmas and all of that, those thoughts that you have inside of your head. I think what people don't realize, especially the people that I just talked about, when you avoid conflict, it's not keeping the peace. It's not being a good girl or a good boy or whatever, it's really abandoning yourself. It's really like conflict is where the expectations and reality don't meet. But it's also like you speaking up if your boundaries are crossed or you sharing an opinion that differs from the opinion of the group that you're with, or you sharing something that's true for you that you know, possibly will upset the person that you're with. But if you don't say what's true for you, then you're really like, dismissing yourself. Yeah, you're. You're making, you're making yourself invisible. I just wanted to say that because I think we all. So many people like me who, who try to, you know, always keep the peace and try to fly under the radar and try to make good for everybody else. And mom, too, has done that too. She's not anxious, but she. It was a people pleaser. People don't realize how harmful that is to do for long Periods of time. It's almost like when you get into the habit of doing it, you don't even know you're doing it. It just, it just becomes rote. It becomes the thing that you do without even thinking. You, you never think, should I speak up or should I share my, my, you know, true feelings? That's not even an option. You just say, well, I'm just going to shrink down and be invisible again because that's how I get through this time of year.

Yeah. So think about what we just said in regards to conflict comes from the collision of the ideas that I make up in my head. And now think about people pleasing people pleasing comes from a place as I'm not disclosing what I need or what's true for me. So there's no reality for myself. I'm just running around. And then worse yet, I'm making up a whole bunch of things about what I think people need and why they feel and do what they do. But all of it is still, is happening in my head. All of it is still happening in illusion. And so when I don't speak up and set the narrative true to reality to me, then I'm literally choosing to live in the illusion instead, which ironically is going to create more unsettled internal conflict and chaos. And here's the thing, conflict that's not understood turns into chaos within me and around me with but there's such a.

Misnomer in like the people pleaser mindset that it lies to you and says it's better to just be quiet because then everyone around me is okay, but you're dying on the inside. But I think oftentimes we don't know we're dying on the inside because we don't even know that creating conflict is possible because we're so used to never speaking up, you know, keeping the peace and just going with whatever the other people want to do.

You know, Talk about a disconnect 1.

Just think about the layers of illusion that we live in and there's no vetting it out. There's no check, check. Are we good? Here's what I need. What do you need? There's none of that. And I really want to normalize this idea of like illusion and reality as well, because we do it every morning when we wake up. We're coming from our dream state into our real state. We just didn't realize that it happens many, many times throughout the day. For me, where I'm having to make up. I mean, that's what anxiety is, right? I'm making up a whole lot of things that could potentially go wrong, and those are all illusions because they haven't happened yet. Right? And I'm putting myself into this elusive state where I'm constantly spun up and I can't breathe, but I'm not able to do a very good job of being present and settled in this moment as it passes into the next. And a lot of that does come from people pleasing, like you've pointed out, but it can come from a whole host of other influences as well. But the, the illusion is what I'm really challenged with. And, and so when we have communications right through conflict, remember, conflict is going to happen is inevitable. How we manage conflict and dance with conflict and hold conflict, our greatest place to go with conflict is to be able to understand what I'm making up as true and what you're making up as true, so we can reset in a moment of reality. But then if I'm holding my tongue and not able to say what I need to say from not losing my shit, then I create more chaos. Not clarity, not reality.

Well, yeah, because to even attempt to have a fraction of that conversation that probably, let's be honest, in a family holiday situation has probably been needed to have for like 20 years or more. You've been, you've been living an illusion to keep the peace for decades. And you've needed to say this one thing that you never felt like you could say. But even to be able to attempt to say it, you have to know how to regulate yourself, which so many adults on this earth can't regulate themselves one iota. And I'm not saying that to be mean, but it's because I guess we've decided that wasn't a, an essential skill we needed as children, which is really a lie. Knowing how to regulate yourself is the most important skill you can have as a human on this planet. And so many people don't have it because they don't even know what that word means. And no one has ever taught us. But my point is, is that all of this conflict comes a lot of times from simply not knowing how to regulate yourself while communicating well.

And so when I get defensive or I take things personal or I think I know better than anybody else, and so I'm going to behave like that, or I'm going to try and rescue the room or somebody gets upset because I'm just sure it's my fault, I want you to realize we're protecting the illusion instead of resetting in the reality of what is we're not allowing that process to take place.

What's a quick example? Because I still feel like people might not quite understand what you mean by illusion. What's a good litmus test to know if I'm protecting the illusion or if I'm trying to reset in reality?

A tangible example would be you and. Well, I'll go here you and I are having a conversation and something gets sad and all of a sudden just.

Say they, they can't see you. So you're saying dad and you are having a conversation.

Yeah, dad and I are having a conversation and something gets said. Let' say it's around money, we might as well go for the big topic. It's around money and they find out that he's purchased a pair of shoes and I didn't know about it and I was planning on using that money for something else. Or I go to use a credit card and it's maxed, okay? If I come in guns a blazing and I'm defensive and I'm an attack and I'm going to blame him like I, you know, I can't believe you would do this. How dare you. Okay, I was making it up that this was going to be used for X purpose. Maybe it was a conversation, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe I just decided on my own accord that we were all on the same page and then all of a sudden it comes out that that's not the case. What do I do in that moment? If I get defensive and I blame him and I attack him, I'm not resetting to the reality of what is what happened? What happened? What were you thinking? Here's what I was thinking. And what's the true now reality of what's happened with the money, with the credit card, et cetera? That's my goal, that's my pursuit. When I hit conflict. If I attack you, right? If I attack you, then I'm literally protecting my illusion. I'm getting defensive and protecting the thing that I made up in my mind is the only option and I can't believe it. And how dare you. And now I'm going to act according to that in my own illusion. And I still don't really understand why you needed the credit card or what you were thinking about spending the money that I thought we were going to plan and use somewhere else. I don't understand why that decision was made. So I don't understand the reality that exists between the two of us. I'm just getting pissed off and now holding a grudge and not going to talk to you till next week. My thing that I made up in my mind, it's. It's. Yes, regulation needs to be an important skill to be able to have that conversation. But I hope that you can also see from that example the importance of vetting out what I was making up as true versus what you were making up was true. Because until we can reset to, you know, hey, I'm sorry, one of the kids stopped by and they needed some shoes. And so these shoes aren't actually for me, they're for them or, hey, I forgot to tell you, I was out and the tire got flat and I had to swing by and get a tire, and I was so flustered, I forgot to tell you. And that happened two weeks or three weeks ago. Like, you never get those parts and pieces of the story right. And so everybody feels hurt and betrayed and misunderstood. But the reality of the situation is we never took the time or realized how to get through the conflict was, I've got to understand both sides. I've got to understand my part. So now you can understand a huge problem if I'm just going to bite my tongue and not say anything. And if I can't listen because I can't emotionally regulate myself and I get defensive or shut down and take a personal. I'm never going to understand your sight either. We're going to live an illusion, and everybody's going to act out that illusion until our relationship emotionally are canyons apart. And so it's really important for us to see that we really are dancing with something that is inevitable. Conflict is going to happen, but it doesn't have to turn into drama and chaos. That happens by how I work with conflict and address conflict. And I would say we need to make it a part of our life and not be afraid of it. Now, that's a big, bold statement coming from me because that is exactly the opposite place we tend to hold conflict. It's not okay. It's not normal. And then think about this. Everybody knows I'm not a label fan, but we start labeling people and making up what that means about them and who they are. Now, that's me defending my illusion of you. I'm not vetting it out because we don't know how to have that conversation. So we live in more illusion by biting our tongues, pleasing people going along, making things up in our minds.

One of the biggest takeaways I have from what you just said, though, is that that I would like the listener to really hone in on is that when you described the example of the difference between living an illusion and resetting in reality, in order to reset in reality, you had to drop your agenda, meaning you had to let go of being right. You had to let go of your story that dad did that to hurt you or that he knew you were gonna use that money but he spent it anyways. You had to stop believing that in order to have the conversation, which that's. That, that's hard, you know.

Well, let me just stack on that. Brooke, you're dead on it with Brooks. What is the goal of communication? What is the. Always the goal.

She's understanding.

Understanding. So that could be synonymous with I've gotta understand rather than take this position. This illusion is not seeking understanding. I think that's huge. You said understanding two or three times in that great example that you gave. So we have to remember that if we're going to get through this and work with it inevitably for the rest of our lives. And we need to come from a place of seeking to understand rather than defend.

And, and I would say that, I would say that is why regulation is impossible. Because it's not like when I'm saying regulation, it's not like you have to be a perfect, like, you know, calm person sitting there with your hands in the prayer position. I'm ready to regulate myself so I can hear you.

And you have to be seated in the lotus position as well.

It's literally like I, what I meant is like you have to set it down. You have to set down your preconceived notions. And, and that requires regulation for you to be prepared to hear things that the non regulated version of you would feel the need to defend, would feel the need to correct the, the narrative, would feel the need to say, no, you're wrong, I didn't say that. I said this. You have to, you can't do all of those things if your real pursuit is understanding, because that's going to literally stop understanding from happening.

You know, two things I want to say here. If we could just learn that conflict is information. It's not danger, but it turns into danger based on how we handle it.

Well said. Well said.

Number two, when we talk about emotionally regulating ourselves, you know what we're really talking about? Learning how to hold emotional tension. Not tension in a way that I'm about ready to attack you. But yes, I'm thinking of like tension when I hold a plank physically and when I first start holding a plank, I might be able to hold it for, let's be honest, 10 seconds, it's going to feel like a really long time.

A minute, it's going to feel 10x. It'd be feel like a 1 minute in like.

But 1 minute is a really long time when you're holding a plank. It's really hard and I have to build up with practice to get to a place where I can even hold a plank for 5 minutes, 10 minutes. And so emotion is like that, right? When we say emotional regulation, it doesn't mean you're not, you're not feeling it. It means you're holding it, you're slowing it down and you're being very intentional with some skills about how I'm going to say what it is I'm going to say so that we can check and reset in this moment of reality and understand each other. Right? Because that's what it's going to take to resolve the conflict, which is that collision happening. And so because we don't understand conflict and because we don't understand how to dance through it and we, we've never been taught the skills to do it. We can throw the words around, emotional EQ iq, emotional regulation, and we do. It's becoming very trendy right now. But what is that? It is the ability to hold an emotional plank and be very intentional with what you say. And I guarantee you you're going to need some skills to even become close at being successful with that. But as you practice it, you get really good at holding the tension.

Well, you, you, you also mentioned a very important word there. Not only the skill, but the practice of the skill has to become, you know, you have to replace all the things that we do that are not working. So how do we do that? And any kind of a habit change, it's through repetition and be reminded far more than we need to be taught. It's no different than any other thing we've had success in.

And think about having your partner say the things that have triggered you to the most intense fights you've had in the past. And now imagine yourself, your partner, saying those things to you and doing an emotional plank, which Mom 2 said, which is hearing them possibly becoming triggered. Maybe not as much as you did in the past because you're becoming more emotionally strong. But then instead of reacting like you did in the past, you choose a new behavior. That's what we're talking about. So you continue the conversation rather than running out the door or slamming the door or getting in your car and driving away or getting in their face and screaming at them. You don't do those things anymore. You continue to navigate the conflict, but you're still feeling the feelings, but you know that they're coming. And you know you can breathe and you know you can take a break if you need to, like I did. Because we're like, I hear you, Stacy, but I still don't quite know what you mean. You know, it's like, it's. It's literally holding yourself strong in emotionally tense, freaking, triggering, Damn right situation.

And especially this year, I mean, excuse me, this time of year, because it's all supposed to just be wonderful because of what, like, regular life stops because.

It'S the holidays and you're with your family members that trigger the shit out of you and, like, expected to experience holiday magic.

So it really is the opposite. You need more skill now than you need in any other time of the year. How about that? No kidding.

I had a client come in this morning, and he turned to me and he said I'd given him assignment about finding his emotional trigger so that he could speak to some things that needed to be understood with his partner. And as he came through the front door, he says to me, you know, bending over in my ear, I've about had it. I'm so hurt and I'm so angry. You better brace yourself, because I'm going to blow this shit up. And I don't really care how it goes today. And I grab his arm and I said to him, looking him dead in the eye, you're going to hold the emotional tension, and you're going to say what you need to say, but you're going to hold the emotional tension. And I'm going to help you. And I am. I am proud to say that he did such a great job. But when we get to that place where we're not quite sure we can hold the emotional tension, what is the thing we want to do? Just lose our. And I'll clean up the mess later.

So what do we do, though, instead of that? Even if we're not ready to. We know we're right on that. Thank you, Brooke. You have a precipice. That's when we should take a pause, excuse ourselves.

That is your next best step.

You gotta slow the regular and then pause. You gotta bring some oxygen, fresh air. Go on a walk, Move your body. Remember, fastest way to change your state is to move. So you need to move.

Shake a bush is what I call it. You know, go shake the hell out of a bush.

You know, scream Uncle Harry pisses you off at that dinner table, man. Excuse yourself and go walk outside.

Because I've just had an experience where there was some things I wanted to say to a person. And I realized that, you know, I could have. I have the emotional skills to say the things that I need to say, but I realized that it would really just hurt the person's feelings because they didn't have the skills that I have, you know? So in situations like that, you also. If you can regulate and say the things you need to say and you decide it will be worth it, then that's another story. But if you're with a person who you know for a fact that their emotional IQ is lower than yours for whatever reason, sometimes you have to weigh the balance and say, I'm not gonna. This juice is not worth a squeeze.

No.

I'm going to, you know, spill my heart and have this hard conversation, and they're gonna run away and say, why? Why would you say that to me? Or cry. And then you're gonna have to comfort them, and there's not gonna be really any repair done. Sometimes that's just the truth of the situation. And it's easier for you to accept the truth and try to create a situation that's not possible for. Between the two of you.

You know, the person doesn't have the ability to understand you in return, the willingness or the capacity or the skill to do that.

So in that case that Brooke described, then that you just have to say, you know what? This is just not the place I'm going to emotionally regulate myself. And for all the many reasons that we've just discussed, I'm just. I'm going to just, as a state, stay within my.

I'm going to manage this on my own. I understand and accept that the relationship and the connection between us will never grow. Right? That it is what it is, and I'm going to accept that, and I'll manage the emotion on the backside for myself. That's a discerning awareness that I have about what's possible here. And sometimes we need to try and address the conflict. But I want you to realize that even when we step into the conflict and we're trying to understand, I can, at least to the very best of my ability, understand you. And that might help me, and then I might.

Because then you can. You can see the reasons behind their.

Behaviors, and then that might be as far as it goes. And, yes, there's going to be some disappointment and my hope and my assumption and my expectation that maybe you would return that to me. And you don't For a whole host of reasons. And I have to sometimes just accept that that's going to be the case. And this is as far as our relationship can go. And. And at least I have some idea of where to look. Right. With the skill and the ability to hold that emotional tension. I can understand you and that will always help me. And then I can be more discerning about what's really possible in my relationship. I really want to say it's not the conflict or the collision that we find ourselves in that creates all the drama and chaos and damage that we commonly experience in that word. But showing you is that we are not. We are not seeing things the same. There's a discrepancy here. We need to pry. It's information to say we need to. I need to understand where I'm coming from and what I was assuming, expecting. And you need to do the same. We need to resolve this to the very best of our ability. But now you can start to understand that without the skills, conflict now misunderstood becomes chaos, essentially as we step into personalization, which, you know, I'm. I'm fighting with you, so something must be wrong with me or you. Instead of realizing, no, the reality is we just made up a whole bunch of stuff independently and. And now we're hitting the conflict where that's just. We're not on the same page. I don't load the dishwasher like you do right in small things. But I also have a different relationship with our children than you do. And I also have different relationships with money than you do and the neighbors and. And the association with tasks around the house. Then you personalization will keep perpetuating and growing that piece of conflict, which is not even conflict now. It's chaos, it's drama. It's acting out retaliation. You hurt me so I'll hurt you back. That's creating more drama in the chaos. I don't understand what's happening. And I'm making up a whole reason as to why it is I'm entitled to hurt you or avoidance. I'll just pretend it doesn't bother me and ignore you until you see the light. Well, okay, that's going to create more illusion big time. As I'm sitting around waiting for you to figure out why it is I'm hurt. You know, it's going to be a long road there and we're probably going to blow up again before we get all of that resolved, if we ever do. And then explosion. Right now, everything from the last decade is coming out at once. That's what an explosion is. So that's not going to create any understanding. Right. We're not going to reset in reality here. We're going to create chaos on top of chaos. When you start spouting about things I've long forgotten about or didn't even realize was an issue for you, I'm going.

To go, is this an especially risky time for that? Because you're seeing people that you possibly only see once a year.

So, yeah, we're very ripe for a Mount St. Helens, huh? Yes. Yeah.

And all we got to do is mix in a little eggnog spiked with a little rum, and the little lid is coming off, the filter is gone. Right. And so now we can understand why those kinds of things happen. It's not that people are maliciously intending to do so. The real truth, when you get down, down to the net of it, is we don't understand conflict. And we've never learned the skills to navigate through it and handle it as a conflict, a small conflict. So it crescendos into epic layers of chaos and drama.

It's pretty sad when you, when you say it like that. I mean, it doesn't have to go that way, but unfortunately, many times it does. Really, we're not. Conflict is inevitable. I think most of us think, or we've been kind of fed that story, that if we just get things right externally, we're going to be just fine. Nothing could be further from that. It really is for all of us, us included. That's never going to happen. Life doesn't work like that. So rather, why don't we reverse engineer it and understand we got to build knowing conflict is coming. It's going to be interwoven into the fabric of our lives. And that's okay. It's okay.

You know, it's like.

It's like thinking if you just make the perfect meal, you'll never have to eat again. No, you're gonna have to eat every day. You're gonna have conflict every day. There's nothing you can do. There's no perfect formula. There's no perfect, you know, date you can go on that's gonna prevent you from conflict for the next 30 days. That doesn't exist. You're two separate people. You're always going to be pushing up against what your partner's expectations are and what the current reality is. That's never going to change. But the way through conflict is simply communication and understanding.

Well, and I create conflict inside of myself too. Don't forget that. I can expect Myself to have more money saved or already have certain things figured out or not feel the way that I feel or not behave like this as a lover or a parent or a mother or a father. I. I have expectations of myself, too, that generate a tremendous amount of internal conflict, and I need to reset there, too, and say, yep, that's where I'd love to be, but this is the reality today. Let me be okay with that. Let me ground myself.

I would say right now. I mean, this season of the year, we have all of these preconceived things that should be perfect. I mean, it's a perfect situation for us to just, like, lose our. To be fair, we're like the swan man. We're, like, looking all calm on the top, and, man, the little feet are going like, a mile a minute, right?

It's. It's big. It's really big.

But give yourself some grace, number one.

My gosh, it can even be really stupid, simple things. Like, I was having an emotional breakdown earlier today because it's like, oh, it's Christmas. It's my favorite time of year, but it's already December 4th, and I haven't even enjoyed the feeling of the season. You know what I mean? Like, you can. You can. Like, why haven't I been so stressed? Why haven't I taken a moment to just listen to Christmas music and drink hot cocoa? Well, I haven't had time.

At least put a piece of garland out then.

Let's do it right now. I obviously want that, right? Instead of beating myself up for what is. And it is December, you know, at the time of recording this. Let's do it now, then.

Let's. Three weeks, to be fair, until the big day. So we got a little time. I know.

So success. Success in these places does not look like a perfect family with no arguments and everyone being happy. Success looks like one honest conversation, one moment of understanding, one repaired experience, and one avoided explosion. Or one brave apology.

Oh, I like that one. One brave apology that does. It takes a lot of courage, ma'. Am.

You don't need perfection. You need skills. Because time doesn't heal what we refuse to address and understand. And love doesn't grow where clarity is absent. Understanding, that is the moment that changes everything. You just need tools that help you have one calmer conversation break, one painful pattern repair one moment faster. Stay connected during one stressful day to yourself and those that you love. That is absolutely possible. And that alone can change the direction of your relationship, not only with others, but the relationship with yourself. So Many couples have been asking us what they can do right now to study things before the holidays. Our team, Brooke, Tom and I, we have created something simple and special just for this moment. We're calling it the Holiday Survival Bundle. And unfortunately you can no longer get this bundle with a one on one from me. That was a Black Friday deal.

No, actually, sorry. Brandi and I changed our minds about that. We're still the bundle still or the call is still included because she said the open rates for the emails were great. So she would like to still include that. That. But we're just limiting. We've added 20 more in our test.

Okay. So I.

But I thought her and I talked about that was something that was creating aversion to people.

No, but after looking at. After looking more into the data, she decided and talking with Brooke, you just must have missed that. That was shortly after we had our meeting.

Hi, Brooke. I'm happy to help you set up the Holiday Survival minus Stacy's one on one. However, I was thinking if the email open rate was good enough, maybe we should try to convert the last phase of the email opens to see if we can get them to buy with the one on one. And I said the email open rate was over 30%.

We've just found 20 more spot in your schedule. We've made some because this is such an important time.

You know, my team and I created something simple and special just for this moment, the Holiday Survival Bundle. And here's the thing. Holiday with the Black Friday was so good and there was such a need out there that I decided to add 20 more. And so I'm going to do 20 more for you. And you can get all the information that you need to access this holiday bundle by checking out the show notes here in this podcast. So for less than a coffee for a month or two, you can get the help and support that you need to understand conflict, but more importantly, to learn how to navigate it too.

So reappropriate your daily coffee that we see everybody in front of us when we're in the Starbucks line.

I want to reassure everybody it's not a long program, but in less than 20 minutes per day, you can change your experience. Because I know everybody's busy this time of year. It's not heavy coursework. It's a set of tools that you can use immediately. And it even comes with a holiday stress test to kind of help you see how you're doing.

Maybe I need to take that.

If the holidays already feel heavy and overwhelming and you want things to feel steadier. The Holiday Survival bundle is your absolute next best step. Like I said already, the link for this limited holiday offering is in the show notes. It's simple, it's practical, and it gives you the skills that you can use today, not someday. And here's the thing I want to impress upon you. Love brought you together, but skills will keep you together and help you navigate the inevitable conflict that is going especially.

Right now this time of year.

Yeah. So we've got a couple of things from our fan mail listeners. We were written to and asked about a game show episode that we had in one of our episodes that lasted about two minutes where your husband and daughter guess if what you are saying is defensive or vulnerable.

And I want to thank that it was a good creative challenge for Brooke and Stacy to figure out where we talked about that.

So, Florida listener, I heard you actually was pressure versus permission where we were asking, hey, is this pressure or permission? Is this pressure and permission? And the episode is 2:40 for you. Okay, hope that helps.

Which Number?

Episode 240.

240.

Okay, I want to do one more. This person is coming in from Sunnyvale, California, and she said, I just listened to your podcast episode number 149. I love my man with all my heart and I'm willing to do a lot for him. I am the anxious type here. So, Brookie, you've got a friend here and I'm interested in the list of questions you talked about in that episode that you gave your man. Would you be willing to share those? And in that episode, what I was referring to is what is it you would like to understand from your man? Write a list of those things. Because it's not my list, it's your list. Write a list of those things and then give them to your special man and say, just look these over and let me know when you're ready to talk about them. I can't wait to understand more about you. That's what you want to do?

I want to share. Add on to that to this listener from California, we. We have an episode about avoidance and I'll share the episode in our show notes. In the show notes. But his name is Mason and he said something that really helped him when he, when his partner wanted to ask his when his partner wanted to ask him questions, he appreciated being given the list like Stacy just told you to do. And then maybe doing a puzzle or playing a game or watching a show so that all the attention wasn't on him answering the questions. There was like an activity that was happening where you could answer them in. In like a less pressured environment. And I thought that was a really good tip.

Yeah, that would be a really great episode for you to listen.

Brooke and I, you can tell related. I was thinking of the exact same thing when. When Stace was sharing that that reminded me Mason talks often about that that he developed that happened to him when he went through Mason's are one of our wonderful original road maps.

Our poster child. Avoidant.

Yes, exactly. It's been on our podcast more than once.

Actually doesn't identify as an avoidant person anymore. And he attributes a lot of the safety that he felt was his. His ex girlfriend was really good at of helping him get through conversations like that by acknowledging the fact that he was an avoidant. You know it. She didn't try to make him feel like shameful about it.

Yeah. And he learned some darn skills.

Right.

So let's have a little follow the fun. I came up with a holiday conversation decoder challenge and I think it's quite delightful. I hope that you find some delight in it too. What I've aggregated is a short list of classic holiday one liners and together let's decode the emotional truths behind them and have a little fun while we do it. So what about this one? My mom said this at the very end and my sister would just lose it. You know, we're just going to keep it simple this year.

My sister would go, no, we're not going to just keep it simple this year.

This is going to be a hallmark on steroids.

Right, right. And what she was really saying was I'm exhausted and don't have the energy for emotional stress and landmines. This year we're just going to keep it simple. That would be the decoder part. Or what about this one? Let's not talk about politics. What am I really saying there? I'm saying I don't trust we can disagree without a shit show. Yeah. So we're just not gonna bring it up. How about this one? You two still together?

Oh boy.

And everybody goes, oh my gosh. What's really being said? There is. I'm curious and nosy and don't know how to ask with some tact.

Trying to. Trying to. Hey, are we doing okay? So there's many of these. If you have a holiday one liner that you want to share with us, we would love to hear about it. It. We'll be sharing a few on social here for the next little bit so you can cut some. Some Social posts from us. We have a whole list of these babies that we've collected for the holiday season. We want to share them with you in hopes that, yes, maybe we can open up some real honest conversations in reality here, but we also can have a few good laughs about. Yeah, I've done that. You know, you've done that. We're going to feel called out a little bit, but I think it might bring us a little holiday cheer.

So if you have a good one, please, you know, tag us. Let us know. You share it with us. We'd love. Yeah. And like Stacy says, maybe we could have a little fun, bring a little ease into this situation. You know, I mean, laughter or humor is a good thing. Not done in a way that tries to mock, if you will, just, you know, to bring some levity to the situation.

I'll. I'll end with one more. You know, your father gets like this this time of year.

The decoder of that is your father has no emotional regulation skills.

I've already, I've already decided to excuse his behavior instead of address it. So please don't rock the boat. That's what we're really saying.

Well, he doesn't have it normally in the normal time of the year, let alone now. How about, you know, let's just call it like it is.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah. Yeah. So let's have a little fun with this. You can follow along on social, we'll share a few more with you and you can post yours as well. But the one liners are good. The things we say when we don't know what to say and we're feeling all triggered right. We'd love to hear your holiday phrase and then we can decode it together, maybe share a laugh or two. Because often what's said and what's meant are not the same thing.

Yeah, I would say probably 90 of the time.

Yeah. We're speaking in code around the dinner table. My song for this episode is It's a Long Way Home. It is a beautiful song. It's bluesy and it is sometimes feeling like a long way home. A long way home to myself, A long way home to others. This song is put out by Crossroads Records. And it's through the joy and the pain that I keep walking until I see the light of day. The lyrics capture the emotional ache and disconnection that often simmers under the surface during the holidays. And it also reminds us that connection isn't lost because of a lack of love, but because of unresolved conflicts that occur because of missing skills. You can listen to this week's song along with our entire Relationship playlist by going to our website podcast page or search it up on Spotify Love Shack Live Playlist. Thank you so much for being here with us inside the Love Shack today. And if this conversation has moved you, helped you feel a little more seen, or has given you something to think about, please consider sharing it with someone that you care about. That's how this podcast grows. And also, if it has helped you, please consider leaving us a review. We would love to hear from you. Remember, love isn't enough. It's a great place to start, but skills are enough. Learn them, practice them, and live them. We'll see you next time.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack.

But before we part ways, we want.

You to know our door is always open. Open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom.

For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the.

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Sam.