#102: 5 Signs You Need Relationship Help (And What to Do About It)

And the idea was, look, if we don't fight and we don't have conflict, then we have a really good marriage and a really good relationship, although there's no connection, there's no interaction, there's no talking, there's no intimacy. And finally, her husband came to her and said, if we don't turn this around, I'm out of here.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love shack.

Love shack. Hi. Welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, and eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. I'm Stacey Bartley, and I'm here with my co host and lover, Tom. And this is actually a part two. We did a part one on this conversation about what to do when your relationship is in trouble. I want to dedicate these two episodes to all of you who are looking for help, for support, for answers in your relationship as the emotional pain continues to increase. And I want you to take these episodes, listen to them, and know that there are answers to the questions that you're asking. There is remedies to the emotional pains that you feel. And we are here to help you do our part in answering some of those very difficult, sometimes challenging questions. I mean, let's be honest, we are bombarded, especially in the relationship space space now with a lot of marketing and a lot of, like, hooks and a lot of things that lure us into thinking we found a remedy and then we tried and then it doesn't take us anywhere. There's a lot of quizzes that we think if we can get to the bottom of understanding through a quiz, through our astrology sign, if we understand our love language, and don't get me wrong, these are all great things that help us feel just a little bit better, but they're not the answers nor the education and training and mentorship that you need to get better at this thing we call love. And, you know, if we studied it and learned it like we did, you know, anything else that we get better and masterful at, whether it's cooking or your career or your job, raising family, we would appreciate it and be better at it. And yet we just think we're good at this. And there's a lot of, you know, pain and guilt and shame and disappointment when it comes to the relationship journey without realizing that all the same life principles that govern life outside of relationships apply inside of our relationships, meaning there's going to be ups and downs. It's normal to have things that don't work in your relationship. It's normal to have things your partner that, that you want to change or that you are frustrated with. All of these are a very normal, natural part of a relationship. And unfortunately, because we don't study relationships, we. I don't understand and know that to be true. Yeah.

And I would, I would just stack on what Stacy just shared that many times, you know, when we have the opportunity to work with our clients, you know, the, the proverbial relationship house is burning down. You know, I'm using that metaphorically. But in that case, then everything is heightened. And so you're navigating. As Stacy just shared this just naturally is that, you know, plethora overwhelming.

Wow, look at you go with your big words.

A little wordsmithing there, ladies and gentlemen, brought to you by Tom the wordsmith. But no, all kidding aside, just this, you know, just as in every other area of our life, choice is not an issue. But what happens is, you know, we're in this very difficult place. We're overwhelmed with information. We're searching and searching and doing, then more searching and more searching, which just adds to the angst and anxiety and pressure. So all of this that we're doing in last episode, in this episode is to help you really look at the things that matter. What's going to move the needle. We're not at all trying to say that we're the only ones, you know, that can do this. There's lots of good programs and facilitators out there. What we want you to do is be aware, really focus on the things that really matter. Then you make your best choice from there. But don't Very, very careful balance beam that you're walking in regards to how much one should search before you need to step in and give it a go.

Well, and what do you look for to get the help that you know, that you need? And our biggest challenge here, especially in the emotional space and the emotional pain space, is the waiting. We wait and we wait. And not only do we wait, we feel shameful for needing help and support. And I would just ask you to ponder, gosh, if this was a physical problem that you were having, there would be no shame in going to the doctor and saying, hey, I got this problem, I got this pain that I've been wrestling with now. And just think about how, how eager we are or proactive we are to get that help with our physicality. You know, if we waited six months or a year, that would be a Long time. And this makes me think of a beautiful new client that just came into my office yesterday. And her and her husband have been married 32 years. I mean, Yahoo, that's incredible. But a lot of those 32 years come to find out have been lived in illusion. And they're avoiding conflict and discussing the things that don't work in their relationship, both personally and as a collective. And the idea was, look, if we don't fight and we don't have conflict, then we have a really good marriage and a really good relationship, although there's no connection, there's no interaction, there's no talking, there's no intimacy. And finally, her husband came to her and said, if we don't turn this around, I'm out of here. And this is finally what prompted her to be in my office. And I asked her, because I love to ask this question. It's fascinating to me, how many years have you been thinking about getting help and support in this relationship? And her answer was 12. 12 years. So we're not just waiting six months or one year. We're waiting on average of six years to get help and support after we know we have a problem that we don't know how to solve ourselves. And then we start living in this land of illusion, just hoping that it's going to be okay and that it's going to work itself out because we don't want to address what's not working in relationship. And unfortunately, by then, 12 years later, can you even imagine for a moment the many times of disappointment, of frustration, of broken dreams and broken hearts, and we just keep adding to the pile. You know, I call this the dirty dishes analogy, where, you know, we just keep adding to the dish pile, one fork, one knife, one cup, one plate, one pot, one pan at a time, until there is so many, we don't even know where to begin. And my biggest plea with you and my hope in putting these two episodes together for you is please, please get help sooner rather than later. And as Tom will always remind us, heck, don't even wait till you're having problems. Where do we go to study and get better at relationships? Right. Let's do it proactively, much like trying to extend longevity in our lives long before we have a problem. Right? Don't wait until you heart problems, diabetes, lung problems, et cetera. Be proactive about that to extend your longevity. And that's so true in our relationships as well. Right? Don't wait until the communication is completely broken down or you haven't had sex in Three years or, you know, you, you don't, you can't stand to be in the same room with each other.

The proverbial walking on eggshells.

Yeah. Get help and support long, long, long before you get there. And I think, unfortunately, because of some of the misnomers that our thinking around getting help and support with our relationships, we put it off and put it off. And I just want to say there is no guilt and shame in that. In fact, it's actually a really good thing. You wouldn't think about going 32 years and never getting help medically. Like, like that would be crazy. Like, what do you mean? You know, you haven't had a checkup, you haven't had a sore throat, you haven't had the flu. Yeah. I mean, you haven't had an infection. Of course you have. And that's so true when it comes to our emotional experiences. Well. And yet we have thoughts and ideas counter to that where you should have to go a lifetime or a relationship lifetime and not have or have any problems or emotional pain. And I'm going to tell you right now, that is such bs. Like, that is not reality. That isn't a complete straight up illusion.

Well. And we know that that's what oftentimes keeps us from, you know, taking that step, taking action, making a decision. Because there's a very strong narrative out there, a story out there that. Yeah. I mean, only those that are weak need. And so this is another thing that we as a family and a body of work are always saying. That is. Yeah. Stacy just shared. That's. That's absolute hogwash. My brother, who's a huge, wonderful mental health advocate, says, I love how, you know, and he's struggles with depression and really advocates and helps others that are in that same place. And he always says, depression is not a casserole disease. Think about it. When we have a medical problem, our neighbors and loved ones come to us, bring food and things. But if we have a challenge in our relationship or we have a challenge in our mental health, it's like, like all of a sudden we have cooties. Something is wrong with us. Isn't that interesting? Yeah.

Yeah. And we've got to change that narrative. Right? And that's what we're very passionate about doing. And again, that's the purpose behind these two, part one and two series is to normalize the conversation around it's okay to need help. This causes me to think of another client that's coming to mind, and they've been married for quite some time too. 42 years to be exact. They just celebrated 42 years of. And they were telling me in confidence that they had been to counseling several times throughout that 42 years and that the journey hasn't always been easy. And I said, gosh, rather than feel bad about the fact that you've gotten help and support when you've needed it, do you think that might have contributed to the longevity of your 42 years? I would suspect that it has. That if you hadn't gotten help and support, this thing would have been over with a long, long time ago. And much like, you know, some of the health challenges that we face, you know, if we them proactively, right, we can extend our outcomes dramatically. We can get back to being vibrant.

And healthy and strong to encapsulate all this. I think all of us will, will be able to get their arms around again. Let's say we, we, we discover, we, we realize we have something significant say in the medical journey of our lives. It's most of us understand it's much better to get started at stage one than it is at stage four. Well, it would be the exact same rules and, and foundations apply in our relationship and emotional space.

Unfortunately, what we see over and over again, whether it's Tom speaking to people on a clarity call or people scheduling a one on one appointment with me, is that they are in the very final stages of seeing if this thing is going to go or not. Meaning on average, they have waited far too long. And the emotional pain now is so intense and the threat of somebody leaving or somebody blowing this relationship up is what finally drives them into our sphere of influence. And if I could literally implore you with one food for thought piece that I want you to take away from a conversation today, it is this. Don't wait. Because waiting does not make it better. And we end up finding ourselves in the land of illusion hoping and praying that this is just going to go well. If there is not conversation and can and a feeling or a sense of connection in your relationship, if the sex and intimacy has gone, if you are really great companions but have forgotten all about being lovers, those things are really great things to pay attention to and to get some help and support in addressing. Don't wait because what happens after that is a tremendous amount of personal and collective breakdown. And then we say things like, oh my gosh, I didn't see it coming. What do you mean you didn't see it coming? When was the last time you had sex? Three years ago? Well, geez, I can tell you after a year, six months or a year that you were having big problems or what do you mean you haven't had, had a heart to heart conversation in more than six months, like that's a problem.

Let me ask a question. So when we get, you know, get clients in, in this difficult place that you just described, you know, and once, you know, say this first session you have with them, you know, after, you know, presenting and explaining, you know, your frame, our frameworks and how we do things, is it fairly easy for them or more clear, maybe that's a better distinction as to maybe how they're in this place when they, than when they first walked in and had no idea.

Oh, well, see that's the thing is we all have and we're talking and we're kind of exploring some of these through this, this conversation because I want you to know what happens when you raise your hand and get some help in hopes of easing the, the resistance. I want you to understand what happens, the conversations that should be happening and what to avoid so that you don't have to be afraid of saying, okay, I know what to look for and I know how to get help and I know when it is, I found the right person to help me and that's the whole goal here so that you don't wait. So now that we've got the waiting out and you realize that is a, that is your worst option, let's give you some things to look for in regards to, okay, how is this going to go and how should this play out and what should you expect when you're looking for the help and support that you know, you need? And the first thing that I'm going to say to you is, is one person can get help and that will improve the quality of the relationship overall. Relationships are something that we contribute and pour into. And so one person can absolutely change.

The trajectory of that so many times just to stack on that. And this is huge. I would say, I don't know, 80% of our clients come to us first individually if they're coupled. And there aren't not all facilitators, not all, you know, professionals will do that. We do because, well, that's the way it usually goes. And so yes, you know, step in, you know, we, Stacy calls that person his or her that raises their hand the Braveheart because let's be honest, both people know, but we got different places of the journey and so very rarely does a couple in unison raise their hand. And we say this often and say yes, we look at each other in the eye. We both know we need to now go get help. That doesn't. Almost never happens. So let's work with real life and real situations. Yes. One person can be the Braveheart, raise his or her hand, start working with us or another professional practitioner, and that can absolutely change the trajectory. And then we continually encourage and coach and mentor our client to keep inviting that. I would say that we'll call that hesitant partner to step in, but we don't coerce or force or manipulate or leverage.

Yeah. And this is the point that I want to make here is don't pressure someone into getting help because they're not going to get anything out of it. It, like Tom said, instead, invite them to join you. I'm doing this, and if at any point in time you want to come along, I would love it. Please join me. And then don't hesitate to go back and share with them what you're learning. And this idea of conversation about, here's what I've learned. I think this is valuable. I so relate to this in our relationship. As they watch you then also show up better in the relationship. That's what gives them not only the courage but the motivation to say, wow, okay, this isn't what I thought it was. Because recognize and realize what's stopping them is what they think is going to happen when they start to see something else play out instead, it helps them, you know, gain the ability to say, okay, let's, let's try this. I'm now in a place where I'll put a toe in the water.

And we, and I don't know how other, you know, bodies of work do this, but we are always also open and very encouraging that standoffish partner. That's how I'm distinguishing that person. You know, let's say he or her they like, okay, I want to talk to, like, Stacy or I want to talk to Tom. But I don't want you, you know, I don't want you to be on the call because, you know, I don't want any of that slant coming in. No problem. We're happy to schedule a private call with that person that is not sure how this is going to go and just be open and share with them how this goes so they can have their own experience without any kind of pressure or maybe some potential bias. They think so we do. We can as a family and a body of work to ensure that that person knows we don't take sides. And we are all about having this go well.

I love that you brought that up, sweetie, because we spend a lot of time as a team doing everything that we can to help the person who is resistant about getting help to put a toe in the water, to help them muster up the courage to just try. And you want that because there are. Is probably not. It's probably not high and likely that you're going to find that the two of you are ready to get help at the same time. And oft times that leads to the waiting that we talked about. That doesn't work. It doesn't really go well. So it's better for one person to step in and then work with somebody who will help facilitate those conversations, that there's always an open invitation. And not only that, that they're. They'll be willing to do whatever they need to do to help that other person feel safe to put a toe in the water so that they can have the experience that counters what they thought this was going to be and how they thought this was going to go. Because when we get them in, okay, now we can do all kinds of things together that we couldn't do with an individual. Not to say that an individual can't change the trajectory of the relationship. They absolutely can. It only takes one. But it's so great when you see two people come together and work together and do that in unison with the mentor and support. It's a wonderful thing to see. So you're looking for somebody who will help. Help you have those conversations, not just say, oh, well, sorry. I guess that means you need to ditch them. I guess that means this relationship is over. I guess that means you're done. No, it doesn't. Sometimes we just have people who are a little more adverse because of where they come from or what their orientation is to getting counseling and therapy and help and support. They might have an adverse experience that they're trying to recover from. They might have somebody in their sphere of influence who has. I mean, we just never know what's going on inside of that person. So if you're not having somebody who's wanting to support you in creating that invitation and that support and making it safe for that other person to put a toe in the water, then that's something to consider because that's a huge piece of working with couples. And as Tom has already alluded to and, and shared, we do an awful lot to do that.

Yeah, I would say that there's. There's nothing convenient about it on our side, but we're not in the convenience business. We're in the transformation business. And so, and it may take more than one, one attempt, call it that, that, you know, that that standoffish partner, husband, wife, you know, significant other, say, okay, and then, you know, they still don't step in. Okay, well, you know, then again, we keep encouraging. What would, would he or she like to talk to us again? You know, maybe they want to talk to our daughter. I mean, they want a true objective experience. And it, it's hard to find that. So that, that is really, really, really important. It's going to be your best opportunity to get this partner of yours in.

Yes, absolutely. And I honestly, as we look at the numbers on our side, there has been a 90% success rate with getting the partners enrolled and enrolling in our programs with somebody who has started prior to stepping in. And I mean, we've had some pretty great stories about how somebody said, oh, I'll never do that. Oh, my person would never do that. Oh, right, whatever.

I mean, and sometimes it may be at the very, very end of the journey, we, we can't guarantee when that's going to happen. But yes, it, it's a. I always share with people on these clarity calls, you know, I, I am continually grateful and amazed. And we've been called some not so nice things by that standoffish partner, you.

Know, which is okay.

And that's okay by us. And we do our best to stay neutral and objective and, and why we're here is to help. And yes, there has been some amazing turnarounds on the attitude and opinions of that person just by. We just keep doing what we do best and keep supporting and encouraging our client. Keep inviting, keep inviting. And hey, let's just be honest. It typically doesn't happen in our lives, you know, and so when we take that slant, that's our best opportunity and we've seen it happen.

I'm thinking of a precious client who, the very first few sessions I had said, are you inviting your husband to come and join you on these. Oh, he will never, like, he's never done any of this before. Like, he's totally against.

Thinks it's all hogwash.

Yeah, he actually wasn't.

That word wasn't used. I'm. I'm going to not share the exact.

Word, but the never word was, oh, he will never, never step into this. Well, you know what? He has. And, and we've done a tremendous amount of work together. And, and he's incredible. Like, he's so incredible. And I just think you just don't know. So don't think that, you know, Your job is to invite and to give begin. That's important, to take action and to begin and get the support and help that you need to continuously, you know, invite them and share what it is you're learning. And it's amazing what can happen there. Which takes me to the next thing that I want to point out here. So don't pressure someone. It doesn't work. It doesn't go well. You don't need to do that. You just need to get started. You need to start and become that demonstration that you want to see happen in your relationship. And this is, is. This is followed by the, the second most important thing I want you to think about, and that is don't be pressured into making a decision. So often, even the best of therapist counselors, you know, program signature, program coaches, et cetera, are, are basically becoming the decision makers in your relationship. And there's a, There's a couple that comes to mind immediately who came to us after seeking therapy for herself. She was really on the front end of knowing that they needed help and support. And just like we had described, she stepped in. She started working on herself. However, the person that she was working with, her counselor said, you need to leave this guy. I know for a fact he's a narcissist, and you need to get out of this relationship immediately. And she really wrestled with those, but.

In fact had filed the divorce papers.

They had filed for a divorce. And she reached out to Tom and I on a, a, on a hope and a prayer because she didn't want a divorce. She didn't want to leave him. She wanted to work this out. She was very, very in love with this person. And just, you know, she understood where the counselor was coming from. I mean, he seemed to match all the assessments and, and, you know, the answers to the questions of, yes, yes, yes, he's showing up like a narcissist. You know, you got to get out of this relationship. It's your best bet. You know, when are you going to pull it together and get out? She just, just said, I just. That doesn't resonate with me. That doesn't feel right. That doesn't set well. But, okay, I don't. I don't know where else to go. And so she ended up filing those divorce papers and she reached out to us, like I said on a Women of Prayer, thinking, okay, you're my last ditch hope. And we started working with her. And then her partner came on board. And what we found is that her husband was indeed not a narcissist at all. He was somebody who had a really, really difficult time showing up and saying what he needed to say. And when he couldn't do that, then what he do is act it out, which became sometimes harsh and mean and pushy, and then he would collapse and go missing again, and she wouldn't see him. And. And so, of course, over time, years, literally, this would break down any relationship. And once he learned how to show up and how to. Right. Navigate his way through the things that he needed and wanted and the conflict, he wasn't enough narcissist anymore because he never was a narcissist. And I think so many times narcissists are misdiagnosed or mislabeled to being such. And not only did they not get a divorce, right, they created a better relationship than they'd had in, in their past because they were now learning how to show up and share themselves with each other in a more authentic, truthful, honest way. And there was space and room in their relationship to do that.

So let me ask a question. So when you have. Someone has. I know the answer, but I'm asking anyway for our listeners, how about when clients say, you know, Stacy, what should I do? What is your answer?

My answer is, I don't know. Let's discover it. And you need to make the call. And that's my point, is don't be pressured by anybody, regardless of the credentials or the professional position that they may hold for you, because there's only one person that's going to live with the decisions that are made in that relationship, and that is you. That is you. My friend, the counselor, the specialist, the psychiatrist, the psychologist. They're all going to go home, back to their lives, and what they're telling you or pressuring you to do is something that you're going to live with for the rest of your life. So do not, under any circumstances, acquiesce what you know to be true, because the professional is pressuring you into making a decision. And, oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna dovetail on this with another couple. They've been together 15 years, and, and there's been some infidelity issues and some trust issues. And the person that is, should we say, I don't, I don't like to say this word, the victim, because there's no victims. But the person who basically is finding out the infidelities and the untruths is saying, my family thinks I'm crazy, my friends think I'm crazy, that I want to stay and I want to work this out. And she says, I feel so foolish and I feel so, so stupid because I just want to see this through. I'm not ready to leave, I'm not ready to go. I want to work on this. And my sphere of influence just continues to tell me how ridiculous this is and when am I going to wake up and smell the roses and do what I need to do. And I would say to you, like I did to this client, how many rounds does it take to know you're ready either to leave or to stay? As many rounds as you have the emotional gas to do. And it takes them around some time. We don't just figure these things out before we get started, we figure them out as we go. And if we don't take a journey to figure them out, to learn as we go, we leave the relationship feeling very incomplete, which is the greatest tragedy of all because we finally go, well, I guess I need to follow the advice of my parent, my friend, my, my, my community that I'm in, and even though this doesn't feel right for me, I'm just going to do it. And then on the backside, what you don't realize is there's a tremendous amount of regret because you're wondering, well, gosh, if we had gotten help, if we'd gotten support, if we'd, you know, figured some things out, I mean, maybe we could do these things.

And I would just remind us all, look, our loved ones, our best friends and things, you know, they love us. So it's going to be very difficult in all candor for them to be objective because why? Well, they want the best for you and they're not always able to look past or look through and see the entire situation. So it's not uncommon for those that love us to, to protect us.

Well, and I just want to stack on that and say they're not in love with the person, like you're in love with the person, like they don't have the investment emotionally, financially that you have in this relationship. So again, it comes down to finding somebody who can help you navigate through that, which is typically going to be a journey, and then support you in making the decision from a place of completion for yourself so that you feel good, even though it might be something difficult to navigate through. One of two things is going to happen. You're either going to make progress in a brand new direction and you're going to go, wow, let's do this again. This is really great, it's really working, or you're Going to go, oh, okay, okay, I see. I understand. I know now I'm not willing to meet your needs or you're not willing to meet my needs, or this starts to make a lot of sense. And so that's what starts to create what Tom and I call a loving release. It does not have to be. We push and push and push and blame and shame and point fingers until this whole thing blows sky high. And then I go, see right where now I have to leave. Now I'm gonna. There is a whole new way that we can do this thing when we know that we're having problems and challenges and it needs to be a journey. It's not something that we can figure out on the front side and go, oh, yeah, see, I need to leave. I'm just going to lop this off and pretend like it never happened, and I'm just going to move on as though there is no effect afterwards when I leave. Oh, my goodness. Especially if you have kids, there is a tremendous amount of after effect. This has to be integrated and become a part of who you are. But because it's part of your life experiences and you can't get around that. So we can try, but you're not going to be successful with that. And I think that's why there's so much anger and pain and disappointment and frustration and then this drive that somebody has to pay, because then somehow that's going to offset all of the incompleteness that I feel with inside of myself. If one person pays, everybody pays ways. And so we need to learn how to get complete with wherever this is going to go next in our relationship when we're in emotional pain. And so don't be pressured into making a decision about what you need to do. Find somebody who can help you ask the questions, explore the things, teach you the things that you need to know so that you can make the best decision possible for you and your situation and your. Your love life. And if any of you were saying like, like my client did, oh my gosh, I just feel so stup silly and foolish for continuing to want to work on this. I'm not ready to leave yet. And yet there's so many boxes I could check that would say, you need to go, you need to go, you need to go, I would say, you know what? Find somebody who can help you explore that honestly. And there is no foolishness in loving somebody and wanting this to go well. That is not foolish. That is actually very brave. It is very courageous. And I'm going to encourage anybody who's in that position to get the help and support and mentorship that you need to make those decisions as you navigate through it so that you can explore what's possible without feeling like you just gotta cut off, cut it off and be done. I think that's the part that's foolish, right?

How about, this is a big one. How about. What about all the stuff that's happened in the past when someone comes, you know, into the. Someone discovers they're in this place, they know they've got it, that they cannot go on. They've got to do something. It seems to be fairly common, like, I gotta go talk to someone and just drag out. All of that has transpired in the past. How do. How do you handle that?

You've got to find somebody who's committed to moving you forward, because if you don't do that, you're not going to run out of gas for the journey. Sure, things are going to come up from the past that we need to address or patterns that we start to see emerge. But the greatest gift I think that I can give couples in this place is an understanding of how you arrived here. And then we can start working on how it is we need to move you forward. And as you move forward, the things that we need to address from the past will come up. There is no reason in my mind and in my thinking and in my experience and personally speaking, that we need to dig up the past before we can move forward. And unfortunately, that's the mindset of a lot of counselors and therapists and coaches out there, there. So I'm going to encourage you to be mindful of that, because you don't. And actually, we kind of get stuck in the past sometimes if we do that.

And let me just share and remind people, look, if you've been through a significant, you know, trauma event or something that has been a very intense, say, for a shorter period of time. Absolutely. And there's some very skilled facilitators that can move you forward through that specific situation. But by and large, we find most of the people that come and work with us. Stacy likes to remind people, look, if your past, something in your past is holding you back and from keeping you moving forward, then will. He will understand it. It will pop its head up when.

It will show up in the future. Yeah.

And deal with it as it goes. It's a very important distinction.

But if we don't get you moving forward with a little bit of hope and a little bit of inspiration about what's possible Here and get you moving.

Towards that your flat line.

You're not going to miss make it. You're just absolutely not going to make it. And I think we just, we don't consider that aspect of the journey enough that we want to get you feeling better so that you can work on some of the stuff from the past. We don't want to work on the past and flatline you and not make you feel like, or help you feel like you're making progress forward or inspire you for the journey ahead. And so be mindful of that and then find somebody who is good at helping you, you explore you and never take sides or tell you what to do. Choosing what is best for you is not the job of the specialist, it is your job. The expert needs to be masterful at asking good questions that are designed to disclose new understanding and possibilities for you and your relationship. You should always feel like you have the permission necessary to do what you feel is best for you. You at the end of the day because like I've already said, you're gonna live the choices that you make. Nobody else in the room is. And so that's so important for you to remember that. So I, I think we ought to wrap this up by talking about guarantees. You know, there's a lot of people out there who promise that if you do my program, I 100 money back guarantee you I'm gonna save your relationship.

And I'm not sure, so I'm so sure if some money guarantee. But there's just guarantee because I hear people will share with me and then say what you know, what do you, you know, what you know, how do you approach that time? I say, you know what, with great love and respect, if someone is guaranteeing whether two, three, four sessions with you, you and your significant other, husband, wife are going to get back together. Quite frankly, that is absolute 100 BS. Because none of us, I don't care how good you are, can guarantee that.

I think this might be an appropriate time to just say it. I mean it's like, it's not even bs. It's like total.

As much as you know, that's very compelling and that can maybe draw people in and convince them, but we don't operate that way. We're going to be fully integral. What we're gonna. What I always say to that question, and it's a good question because they've been hearing that and experiencing that in other places they've investigated, is we will guarantee as a family and a body of work, Stacy and I and Our daughter Brooke. We give you everything. We have 100% of our ability, capabilities, service, teaching, mentoring, to have it go well. Do we have success in keeping people together and creating a better version? Yes, we do, but we can't guarantee it.

But we also have success in helping couples let go in a good way, in a loving release as well. It would be to me like somebody saying, I 100 guarantee you that if you put your money in this stock, it's going to make, you know, a 10x return ROI on your investment. Well, from a financial standpoint of view, I mean, I think most of us would run and go, yeah, whatever. We can't guarantee returns like that. And the same would be true here in the relationship relationship space when we're emotionally hurting and we're desperate, literally we are desperate to get what we want as an outcome relationally, we can fall culprit to people making big bold promises about guarantees of being able to save your relationship. And I want you to know it would be just like promise you something that's going to happen in the future. We all know logically that that is not possible.

What I will guarantee, absolutely. If you don't choose to do anything thing, it won't get better. That one I'm sure of.

So we have to step into the journey. And this was the conversation from the client. And she's not the only one. There's been many, but this is the most recent on my mind is waiting 12 years to get help. I said, why did you wait so long? And she says, because quite frankly, we didn't want to conflict, you know, confront the conflict we had made it up, that if we were conflict less or adverse in our relationship, that everything was fine. And that, my friends, is illusion. If you're a falling culprit to that idea or that ideal, that if we just don't fight, then everything is fine. I'm going to say to you with all the love and respect in the world, there are a lot of things that are happening that are simply just not getting talked about. And how do you solve a problem, something that's not working, if you can't even talk about it and lay the problem on the table? People like you can't. There is no way to work on it, to talk about it, to explore it, to work, you know, through it. It's just going to get put in the proverbial cabinet or closet of truth that will not be spoken and the door will be closed on it until a day comes. And it will come where that that closet or that that point of truth is going to blow wide open. And it's, it's, it's a crazy thing that happens that I want to share with you that when we are towards the end and everybody is willing to admit that we're, we're towards the end, all of a sudden all of those truths that we've been storing in that closet come out and we have some of the best conversations and the most honest conversations that we've ever had in our entire time together. Because now we're risking it being an all or nothing proposition. So if not, how, when? And all of a sudden I'm willing to pull out and say what it is I've been wanting to say for those 12 plus years.

And let me just add one more important attribute feature that, that we're very proud to offer. Look, we understand that, you know, what, in, in navigating all these different, you know, bodies of work and people that people find online and maybe locally, you know, and they're very concerned. They don't know if it's going to work. They don't if it's going to be a good fit. We take, we do the very best we can as a family and a team. What we've come up with is, look, you can put your toe in the water. You can schedule a one on one session with Stacy. Pretty soon you'll be able to step into our better love club. And if it's not a positive experience, if you don't feel we've provided you value, what are we going to do? Well, the best thing we can do is we're going to give you your money back. I can think of no other way to prove to you that there's no risk. The worst, the only risk that you'll take is to spend a little bit of time with us and feel like we did not provide value. And I'm proud to say that's only happened one time in five years.

Years.

So put a toe in the water. And if you don't find that, then I would look at that too. That's very atypical in our world. Very, very atypical. But allows people to step in. Look, there's no risk. With great love and respect, I know they say a lot. Your hundred and fifty dollars, your hundred dollars is not going to change my life, but it absolutely can change yours.

Wow. And, and we are in the process right now behind the scenes, working feverishly.

Brooke is working very, very hard. Thank you, Brookie. We so appreciate you. You.

She is creating technologically the community and the aspect of our Better Love Club. Because we've got to get better at this thing we call.

I'm getting chills of excitement when Stacy's sharing. This has been a long, long, long, long time in the making.

What has happened is we have taken everything that we've learned over serving more than, I mean, almost, probably a thousand, close to a thousand couples now from around the world. And we have taken and learned as we went for the last, what, 10 plus years about what couples need and how we can best support them. And we now know aren't and are convinced that the best thing we can give you is, yes, the learning that you need, which will absolutely be part of Better Love Club. It's important. But there's a mentorship component in a.

Practice component and a community component.

Yeah. So where do you go to practice getting better at the skills that love will require you to have? Very few of us want to risk having it with the person that it's going to count with. Right. We want to get good at at this and masterful at it. And then we take it to the person where all the risk lies. And so we are going to have a component where we get to come and we get to do that with a community that will be part of cheering you on and that is on the same journey as well as different levels of support that you can step into. If you feel like you need some one on one, great. If you just need to come in and do the learning early on, great. We love that. And it's going to have live workshops and, and support and webinars in my personal favorite and emotional weightlifting gym, which is that practice piece as well as we're going to have a community dedicated to creating a lot of fun along the way. Because if we don't create play and novelty and increase our sex and intimacy, we're going to run out of emotional gas. And so Better Love Club is going to have each and every one of those components as well as the support that you need to practice. Because if you're practicing, we know that at some point in time, you know, it's not going to go well. And we want you to have some reach back capability to say, okay, I did what you said, you know, and it kind of ended like this.

What do I do now?

I made a mess. You have somebody to say, okay, well, okay, let's learn from this first. Okay, now here's how I want you to go at it again. And I promise you there's not anything that exists like this on the planet, and it's coming to you mid October 2022. And if you know this is something that you want to be a part of and to be notified when it's ready, you can go ahead and go to our website and let us know. I am in our. I'm interested. Please tell me more. And I, I know that this is going to be a game changer for so many couples because you can put a toe in the water, you can roll up your sleeves and get invested.

And it's going to be at a price point. Our. Our first level is going to be basically reachable for everybody. We're gonna absolutely gonna just do everything we can. Stacy's running out. There's only so much of Stacy. She's running out of availability. And we want to be able to serve and help more people. So. And this is going to be just a really wonderful opportunity for all of us to really move the needle.

We're super excited about it.

So let's take a pause. We gave you a lot there. And again, you don't need to listen. You know, Tom, the, the detail, man. You can listen to this episode first and go back to episode 100 or whatever. There's no way either way. Way. Again, just really, really the, the intent, the hope here is to give you some things to keep your eye on, not be overwhelmed and, and make your best decision. What. How many people should you look into? How many different platforms, bodies of work? I would say just like we do. When you hear about us, you know, when you have something significant medically going on, what do they say? Go get, you know, two, three opinions. Not 25. Two or three, you know, and then step in and see where it takes. Takes you.

Yeah. So true. Don't wait and don't do the endless search on Google Explore and then make the decisive decision to step in and do something. So, yeah, I love that. Let's take a breath. I'm going to take a sip of my wonderful beverage over here and then we're going to step into some. Follow the fun. One of my very favorite segments of the show.

I don't. I don't have any idea on this one. Sometimes I, I look. Stacy doesn't like me to look. It is fun. I have no idea on this one. Just so you know, I'm right there with you. Don't. Don't log off now, please. Like, oh, gosh, they don't understand what I'm going through. Well, I would say maybe this would be a good indicator that you need to get some help. Now, if this seems like so out of touch for you, why they do that every dang time? Yes, we do for a reason, but because it is absolutely crucial and we're going to continue saying that over and over again. So, honey, what is the Follow the Fun for episode 101?

I've named it Music is the Gateway to the Soul.

We're going to a concert on, on Monday night too. If you're listening live, we'll be sharing that next, next episode. It's going to be awesome.

Tom and I love music. I think music is on in our house probably close to 24 7. Right.

We don't really watch television, but music is old, always on.

Oh man. And, and we have our favorite artists that we track and follow, etc, and, and this really is true for me anyway, that music is a gateway to the soul. And so how does this apply to the Follow the fun moment? Well, I'm going to encourage you to create a music playlist of songs that remind you of your special someone. And you can do this really easily on Spotify or Apple Music. Like, what are the messages that if you could share them with your person, what would you say? What would you want them to know? And music can be an incredible place to touch somebody's heart. And if it's difficult for us to speak up. Right. And share those things verbally, we can say it through music. In fact, I'm having a memory of a client that was a song singer, songwriter, and he used to say to his wife, I can't talk, but I can, I can write you a song.

There you go.

And I think that this is a really powerful way, way for us to get right to the heart of the matter by creating that playlist. Now, if you're not perhaps in a relationship right now or you feel like this is out of reach for you, then I'm going to encourage you to create your own personal playlist of songs that you want to remind yourself about. Loving yourself, honoring yourself, respecting yourself, valuing yourself, being lovable, taking the time that you need to discover who you are. There's so many beautiful pieces of music and artists out there. So create your playlist. And then once you have it ready, if you're going to share it with somebody, then text your lover and say, hey, I got a surprise for you. I've put together some messages from my heart to yours. And you know, go ahead and click on this link and, and let it play and let it stream and it's just a wonderful thing to absorb and to talk about and to share musically. As humans, we search for evidence, truly that our lovers care for us. This is one of the greatest frustrations and disappointments that we have in many of our relationships with each other. And so I want you to know that every little bit of something that shows you care means a tremendous amount to your person, your relationship. Right? When we can remind them that it matters to you, that they matter to you, that this relationship matters to you, you, it makes such a huge difference. And we can do it simply by just compiling some songs that are meaningful to you, that remind you of your person, and we can send it to them. And it's a wonderful reminder that, yes, I do feel loved because it's so easy for us to make it up, that we feel unloved and lonely in our own relationships. So let's give a shout out for some music and a playlist and perfect.

Segue into the what are we feeling? Which is the song part, which is again, leads right into that. What? Again, I don't know what. Sometimes I know what the song is. I didn't even hear last night anything plain. I must have been really involved in what I was doing. A lot of times I'll hear, honey, turn that down. What are you doing? I'm getting a song for the episode.

Okay.

Yes. I didn't hear that. I don't remember hearing that. Did you do that last night?

Of course I did.

I must have been deep into what I was doing.

Yeah, you must have music again. It's a wonderful place to move us. And we do include a song with every episode so that you can feel the essence of what it is we're trying to communicate. And I felt like Bruno Major and his song easily did this really well for us this week. As he says to. To the lyrics in the song, don't you tell me it wasn't meant to be Call it love, call it destiny Just because it won't come easily doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Doesn't mean that we shouldn't work on this. So tell.

It didn't move you when you selected this song, right? What a shock.

You can get this song along with all of the songs for each and every episode by going to our website and clicking on our Spotify playlist. And we encourage you to do that. So that's it for this week's episode of Love Shack Live. And if by chance you have a conversation about. About love, sex and relationships you would like to hear us talk about or question.

Yeah. Or a specific question about this episode or others, please reach out to us. We have a a widget, a it's called Speak Pipe. You just literally go to our website and you can click a button best I understand and talk right into your computer. You don't even have to say who you are. You can go right to the question and then we will get that auditorily.

We are Tom and Stacy Bartley, hosts of Love Shack Live. A special thanks to you for being here and listening in with us and spending some time with us inside the Love Shack. Do your best to become a better lover every day, have some fun while doing it and commit to feeling good. Like that's the goal, right? Don't we want to feel good in our relationships? Absolutely we do. We forget that there is a good side and upside to this thing we call love. So there is. And we are wishing that for you and doing everything that we can on our side to make that possible for you as well. Well, we'll see you next week.

Bye bye for now.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.