#104: Could The Lease Option Contract For Love® Be The Answer To Saving Your Relationship?

It was in the throes of this. I was sitting on a bucket downstairs in my basement, talking to Tom on the phone, and I went, oh, you know, you just have that feeling. Here's that moment. It's coming. He's going to ask, what are we? Where do we go from here? I. And the tension was so big for me, the anxiety was so big for me that I decided I was going to handle it with a joke. And the joke was just, oh, my God. I'm kind of feeling a little freaky right now, you know, I know this is a conversation we need to have, but all I can say is, how about a lease option contract for love, you know, with the renewal date, and. And we laughed for a minute, and I thought, whew, okay, I've dodged the bullet. And then Tom totally called me on it, and he goes, let's do it. You put it together. You're the one that knows. Come on, put it together. What do you need? Build us a lease option contract for love, and let's see where it takes us. And I was like, oh. And then I did.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the love shack.

Love shack.

Hey, welcome to the love shack. It's a little place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, and eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter in your relationships while having a little bit of fun along the way. We're your host, Tom and Stacey Bartley, and guess what? We're going to talk about the crazy that goes down in committed relationships. I want to share with you the best way that I know how to deal with that crazy that shows up. But let's rewind a little bit. It, you know, you know the story about how relationships are supposed to go. Why do we end up in crazy? You know, you meet your special someone. It's magical. You just know they're the one for you. You've checked all the boxes and you're finally feeling like you're gonna get this thing right, or you have this tremendous feeling of, like, I just got so lucky, like, they really want me. And you cement the deal through either moving in together your rundown and get hitched. And it's really, really, really good for a bit, but then, as the story goes, the crazy starts to show up. But weren't we supposed to live, like, happily ever after in peace and harmony if we did it right? I was right. You were right. We were right. So this is about the time we start to panic. The love story is a lie. The love story is just that it's a story. And I liken it unto the Santa Claus story. It inspires us, right? Pulls on our heartstrings. It causes us to rise sometimes when we want to give up. But just like a story, just like Santa Claus, we have to admit that Santa Claus is not real. Today in the love shack, we're going to talk about the myths behind the legend and what you two can do to stop the crazy.

Don't click off. We've got a very, very good alt.

Why would they click off?

Well, just because we just shattered the. The. The story.

Oh.

But we have an incredible new story that's really, really exciting. Ladies, if you're thinking, oh, gosh, wanted to be inspired, you're going to be inspired. We're going to offer a framework that is going to rock your world.

Well, and let's just be honest, it's a framework that actually kind of saved our relationship at a critical point in time. Right? I don't know.

Excuse me. You're getting ahead of yourselves.

Okay, okay, both of you. The master has spoken.

Yes.

Stop it.

No more Brooke from the dark. This is Brooke, the person that takes control. Our daughter, the one and only.

She's got her whip.

I would like everyone to know. I told them. I. I said, please stop talking at this specific point because I have questions that I want to lead the audience through. And then, of course, they kept talking and revealing some of the questions I was going to be asking.

Okay, we'll zip it.

Okay.

Mark, Mark, cassette, go.

Also, I want to play devil's advocate. That story, yes, it can be inspiring, but also it can be super discouraging. If that's not what you have, you. You know, it can make you. It can make you be like, oh, well, I guess I have to throw in the towel because that's not what my life is like, you know?

Totally agree with you.

Let's be honest. That's not what anybody has. Everybody has relationship problems, so we're all set up to fail by thinking that's what we are supposed to have or that's what we are supposed to aspire to.

It's.

It's automatically putting us behind because it's impossible to have that. So, first of all, we have that story that once we met our special someone, we're done. We're set for life. We don't have to do anything else. You know, we're good. Get married. You're good. You have happily ever after, but we're ignoring the truth and setting up ourselves up for failure. By believing that when we meet our special someone and begin to build a life together, a funny thing happens. All of our biggest fears and insecurities rise up and come to the surface. Mom, too. Why does that happen?

I love that. That is so true. And I'm so glad that we're beginning here because it's an important thing to understand that as a human being, the more we care and the more we get all into a relationship, then the little brain that we have, I call it the little brain, the little contraption that sits on the top of our head, not to minimize it at all, it has an import role. It starts to think of, gosh, what if this doesn't go well? Or gosh, what if they don't really love you? Or gosh, what if they're marrying you for alternative reasons, you know, for your money or because your eye candy or. Or because, you know, you're good with kids. You know, those things do happen. And we see those things happen. We've witnessed them happen to friends and family members. And so we start to tick off, right? The more I care, the more I get invested, the more I'm all in, the more I start to kind of get jealous, I get fearful, and my personal fears and insecurities come flashing up. And this is about the time where because we don't know how to talk about them, we start to try and do our best to just keep it together, you know, which is really a sweetheart message when you think about it. At the end of the day, we're just trying to, you know, keep this good. It was good in the beginning. So much good that I decided I was going to risk and get all in. And now I'm noticing that there's some things that are starting to happen that don't work for me and I don't know how to bring those up. And I'm starting to feel this fear and insecurity in my heart. Hope it's just going to continue to go well. And usually my. My go to is I'm just going to make everybody happy. You know, I'm just going to please them and go along with it and, and be there to support them and cheer them on. And then if we avoid the conflict, then that's a.k.a. a great relationship. And so that becomes our goal. The more we care. Hold on. The more we care. You asked the question. The more we care, the more my fears and ins. Insecurities are going to flash because we feel incensed. This is a risk. We know it in some part of our Being that this is a risk I'm embarking on, that there are no guarantees. And to try and quiet those fears and insecurities, we try and give ourselves a guarantee through getting married, through having a baby, through buying real estate, you know, making sure my family likes them or my friends, you know, so we have all these little sneaky ways of trying to quiet those fears and insecurities around the risk. And. And yet they're still kind of there.

My fear was just making sure people, you out there didn't forget who I was here on this side of the mic. I've got two strong ladies. You. You know what I'm saying? If you're out there listening, I gotta. I gotta. I gotta.

I gotta.

You know.

You know, I just. I didn't. I didn't want you to start talking about risk because that's a big portion of the conversation I want to have a little bit further down the road.

And just our.

You know, just so you know, we don't know what Brooke is asking us. That's the part of the. Of our podcast that we really, really enjoy, because Brooke does her side, we do our side, and then we go. And it's really. It's a good.

It's a good queries, questions, and conversations that are happening from our clients and from our social media channels. And so these things aren't just random. Brooke just doesn't think about them behind the desk and pull out some random ideas.

Actually, there are things that people are really asking. Yeah, people are really wanting to know. Okay, so we meet our special someone that we really want to be with, and then all of our fierce insecurities come rushing up to the surface. We try to quiet them, and we try to make everything smooth and wonderful, even though that's very difficult. Into the next part. What are some of the biggest challenges that couples face in maintaining a healthy and satisfying relationship?

I would say knowing how to talk about the part that doesn't work and the fears and insecurities that I need to be reassured of. Right. There's a tremendous need for us as human beings to be validated in our lives with inside of ourselves. And when we don't know how to give it to ourselves, we. We're relying on somebody else to give it. And if we rewind back to the story, it's kind of a setup in that the wedding vows, you know, the whole conversation around how we're supposed to create healthy, happy relationships is kind of this. You know, it's kind of like we look each other in the Eye and we go, hey, okay, here's the deal. You're going to do everything I want you to do to make me happy. And I swear, I pinky swear, I cross my heart and hope to die, I'm going to do the same thing for you. And if we can pull that off, we're going to have a great relationship, right? And what we don't realize, it's a total setup from the get go because number one, I can't make anybody happy. Number two, I don't know what pleases them unless they teach me, truly, unless they show me, teach me how to love them best. And they're not going to how to get my needs met either. And what works for me and doesn't work for me. And so I'm going to get exceptionally frustrated. I'm going to try and work my tail off trying to please them and get it right and I'm going to. It's a crapshoot, you know, Sometimes I'll knock it out of the park and sometimes it'll fall flat and I'll feel rejected and vice versa. I'm starting to kind of, you know, lose some emotional gas here myself because I'm not able to get my needs met in a consistent way and on a consistent basis. And so then I just get mad, I just get frustrated. And so knowing how to navigate through the parts that don't work or that don't work for me in this relationship and to have a productive, you know, conversation around that is really, really difficult for us.

May I contribute?

Hold on, let me just say this one more thing. It's not your fault. See, it's not your fault. Yeah, you just never have been taught. You just don't know. I mean, so well, and how about.

Too just the whole, just as you are describing that for me, it's like it's this set it. And for this, this singular effort, the singular focus, meaning this is the most dynamic, complex, ever changing situation that you're going to combine your life with another spinning, hot mess human being. How would any of that be stagnant?

Is that fair enough? Let's just clarify the hot mess part. The hot mess is not just that your partner is a hot mess.

So we got two hot messes spinning together and they're supposed to live happily ever after. Can we all just take a collective laugh right now?

Literally.

And then you add kids and pets, different schedules and jobs and friends and.

And losing all your money and making money and I mean, come on. I mean, good gracious. Well, you better Build it deep and build it strong because it's. You're going to get tested.

Okay. So we've really gone into depth about how sucky relationships can be and how hard they can be and how we've lost.

We've lost everybody right now. They've all checked.

I'm just saying we've really delved into the pain of how painful they can be and how much. And, and so my next question is, do you believe that it's possible for couples to maintain a healthy level of excitement and novelty and love and passion and a feeling of contentment throughout their entire lives together?

Yes. But let me liken it on to something that most of us are going to be able to wrap our head around. It's likened unto being healthy and strong. Right. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

It's.

You have to pursue it. It doesn't just, it's not about meeting necessarily the right person. Of course that has to play into the equation. But that's just the raw material to begin the journey together. Right. And we don't know how it's going to go. We navigate it as we go. We figure it out as we go as we do our best to show up and, and then there's this consistent change that happens. I change my changes, our life changes, our circumstances change. There's all of this change that we're required to navigate as well. And so that set it and forget it is just such a non reality. And so the way that we keep it good is it has to be an intentional pursuit. That's where I'm going with this. Just like, you know, taking care of my body, eating well, you know, keeping it strong. You know, sometimes I don't want to do it, but I do it because I want the payoff. I would say, I want the end result.

I would say another place people should, what should really get this is professionally, let me. In this economic era, if, you know, in a, a capitalistic system, you better understand you're going to have to keep getting better and better and better or guess what, you're probably going to be replaced. I mean, I think that's fair enough. None of people step into the work market or job or your, your own business and thinking you can just set it and forget it. So well, that's what I think we can all get our arms around too.

Well. And also for people who struggle with their weight like I do, I'm the biggest I've ever been in my life and I don't like it. I'm, I'm, I'm working to change it, but probably not as hard as I could be. You know, I bet a lot of people can relate to that thing. So if. If. If I was feeling this way in my relationship, I would be maybe like, not super connected to my partner, but not really doing anything to change it, but feeling that pain. But maybe the pain is not enough for me to want to do something about it. I feel a lot of people are in that place. And it doesn't mean that your relationship is over. It doesn't mean that my ability to change my body is over. You know, like that. That. That ability and that opportunity is still there. And just because you're not taking advantage of it in the moment doesn't mean your relationship sucks or you need a divorce or it's. You're not with the right person. It just means you're not putting that specific energy into that, into fixing it, which we all can relate to in whatever area of our life we struggle in. But we often don't think of our relationships in that way. And. And our mission as a family is trying to get people to see that that is true in our relationships as well. We just don't think of it that way. But we should.

Yeah. We have an uncanny way of pulling the container of relationships out of anything that applies to other princip principles in our life and think it sets in a separate category all by itself, when indeed the same principles that apply in other areas of our life very much apply to relationships. And that might be a challenging thought or maybe a refreshing.

I was gonna say that. I think that that's good news, really. I mean, if the secret is just similar to other secrets. If they.

Yeah, it kind of. It. It demystifies them. They're not. Relationships are not something that you can't understand. You're just not thinking of them in the ways that you should be to make it easier for you to get your hands around them. And that's all we're trying to do.

Well, if I want to be. Hold on. I got a couple of things I want to say here before we move on. You know, just like I have to study health and nutrition or finance. Right. How does the money work? I've got to get good at that if I want to, you know, get good at managing money. I've got to get understanding and learning when it comes to knowing how to keep my body healthy. And relationships are just the same if you want a healthy, thriving relationship. It's available to us all, but it has to be something we learn and Practice and make a part of our life every day. And here's the next piece of truth. Right. Brooke, I so appreciate you disclosing some of the challenges that you have body wise, because it is such a translatable story to our relationships. And most of us as human beings won't take action on things that we desire or know we want to do or need to do until the pain gets excruciatingly high. And then we're like, it's. It's the big hail Mary, you know, it's like, okay, okay, I'll finally do that thing I want to do. I know, I know, I know. Please don't go right? It's like, okay, I'll work on us. And, you know, we're constantly encouraging people to say, my gosh, don't wait. But you probably will because of that very human.

It's just who we are.

Yeah, yeah. I. Human beings are lazy by nature. We love comfort and we love pleasure, which is a good thing. Thing. Those need to be parts of our lives. But oftentimes we try and avoid the things that we know we should be doing because it's hard to get started. You know, it's hard to get going. It's hard to create a new pattern. And then we wait for that moment where it's like the catalytic event goes kablam. And we go, okay, okay, okay. I swear, I'll just.

What did our CrossFit coach just share with us about the word comfort? Was it yesterday?

It was yesterday. And it was so good. It says, comfort becomes a cage. And I went, oh.

As we were embarking on a pretty difficult, you know, routine, she just looked right at us. And then we all kind of like. That was kind of like a collective Big Gulp.

Yeah, it was.

But I also want to remind people that when we get to this place of immense pain and feeling like, you know, we have to make that change, we often then all. We often think from that point forward, we have one good chance to do it. You know, like. And if. And if we fail, fail, which we most likely will.

Because you've never done it before.

Yes. Or you've never done it before in this way. You know, all of these things. We give ourselves one chance, we fail almost inevitably, and then we stop. So that's another thing.

What I. I just got to put tack this on the end because we hear it all the time. All men are this. See, Relationship sucks. See, we're not. They don't.

They never work. Yeah.

Men and women are like this. All men. All Women are this.

Or you have clients. You know, I think this is a really important context here. You have clients that say, Stacy, is it, is it okay if I go another round? And what is your answer?

Always, Always, yes. If you feel like you need to.

Go another, however many rounds you want to go.

But you, you, you've got to have support and mentorship to go those rounds. If you just keep going round after round with no intention or understanding or strategy about what is you're doing now, you're just in a dysfunctional relationship that just is going to be on play and repeat. And that's not what we're talking about here. So I want to create that distinction.

Good point.

You need some mentorship and, you know, you need to know, you know, how relationships work so that you know how to navigate yourself through stepping in another round. Otherwise it's likely to have its way with us. That's just an important distinction I want to make.

And I want to just end this part by bringing it back to weight loss one more time, because I know a lot of people can relate to this conversation. The people that you see on social media or, you know, shows or anything who are successful at losing weight, they did not just try one time. They, they lost the weight because they kept trying after they failed. So the stories are always like, you know, I tried this diet, I tried this diet. None of it worked. None of it worked. I finally found this way that worked for me after all of those so called failures, which they weren't. They were just trying, and then they finally got it. The same thing is true in our relationships. We cannot expect to fix this big problem that we have by being perfect at it the first time we try. And then if we're not saying, oh, God, that didn't work, okay, it's time to get a divorce. That's what a lot of people do. I'm not sure if they necessarily believe that. If we would say, if we said it like this, they would say, of course that's not true. But for some reason, that's how we feel a lot of the time. And so before you even go into trying to fix your relationship, you're setting yourself up for failure by believing you have to be perfect at it before you've ever done it before.

And I, and, and with this thing, no, I'm gonna butt in now. You're thinking, yeah, Tom's gonna take, he took it. He took a strong command of that because I. But no, thank you for sharing that, Brooke. And this is, as a family, what we're always trying to share and impart to people is most of us seem to have a pretty limited, either personal story or story from our close circle of when we have a problem. Here's how it goes in our relationship. You know, you go sit on somebody's couch, someone kind of gets. Feels like they're picked on or they're, you know, being blamed, or maybe they're not the one who, thank goodness it wasn't me that had the problem. I mean, it's a very limited way that we have how this works out and we could not more passionately share with you. That is not the case. And what we're going to share with you today, as well as, I don't know if we released our Better Love Club, we are doing everything we can to help you understand it doesn't have to be how you think. Like Brooke said, find something that works for you in a way. Like, oh my gosh, I remember Stace came home one time, said, my clients just said, I didn't realize this could be fun. You use the F word with this challenging situation. That's huge. Okay, so just set your, set your story aside and be open to a new possibility.

Well, and let's, let's shed some light on how human beings actually work, shall we? Because I think that rather than just encouraging them to set the story down when it feels so real for them, let's just help you understand how we, how we learn and grow as human beings. Like whenever we learn something new or we embark on a new journey, whether that's, you know, career improvement, getting my driver's license or learning how to bake, for heaven's sakes. There's going to be a period of time where you, you learn and now you have the head knowledge or an assemblance of how you think this is going to go. And then you have the implementation of that, which is always going to be super messy. You're going to screw it up. You know, if I'm learning how to bake, I'm going to burn a few batches. I'm going to get the souffle or the cake mix or, or the cookies mixed up wrong, and I'm going to maybe add them in the wrong order and I'm going to blow it up a few times before I really kind of perfect the mix. And that's true with weight loss. That's true with love. That's true with driving a car. That's true with going back to school. It's true with any environment. You Find yourself in. So we know that we're going to teach you some relationship skills and understanding. And if you were to just show up and just do that, it wouldn't change your life. You have to then take those things and you have to apply them to your life. You have to try them on. You have to decide what works and what doesn't work for you. You have to find your own way. And your puzzle pieces, we give you things to try, things that are tried and true, that have worked for us and many others. You get to put those puzzle pieces together as we support you to find your way through this. And that's why I'm passionate about. Nobody gives you answers. Nobody should be giving you answers because they're giving them. They're giving you their answers, not your answers, right? So it's important that we find our way and then finally we figure it out as we go. Like there's not enough obsessive thinking and head damage that you can do about, should I stay, should I go? Should I stay? I don't know, should I get in? Should I get. I don't know. You can't figure that out. It's a journey. It's a process. It's something you're going to have to embark on and the journey itself will tell you what's possible. And it's important for us to understand that. And that's why we have lawyers who step into becoming lawyers after God knows how many years of school and go, God, I hate this. I just want to write music, right? It's. It's that process where we kind of think or.

Or par paralegals.

Or paralegals. Like our beautiful brook over here is a creative right.

And.

And it flips the other way. You know, we start hanging out with a person that we thought we would never pair with. That seems so outside of what, anything I would be attracted to. And the friendship turns into lovers and the lovers takes them on to something else. And you never saw it coming. Life is lived out and we figure it out as we go, not before we get started. So it is going to take rounds. It is going to take trial and error. It is going to take messes. And yes, we all have the capacity, if we choose to, to become masterful lovers. That is within the realm of every single one of us. Just like it's in the realm of possibility to become masters at finance, masters at fashion, masters at music, masters at writing, masters at baking. I could go on and on and on, you know, masterful parents, man, that. That's another one that doesn't just fall out of the sky. Right. Ta da. And so we, we have to, like, accept that those are the principles that govern the life we live and govern us as human beings. Yep.

Okay, now we're going to time travel back to the beginning of your and dad's relationship. You guys were long distance. Mom, too, lived in Utah. Dad lived in Sacramento. You started your relationship over the phone. You realized that there were some things that you were both feeling anxious and insecure about. And you said, we have to find a way, a new way to do relationships. And you created over the phone, dun, dun, dun. The Lease option Contract for Love, Ladies and gentlemen, that's the first time we're talking about that on the podcast. I don't know why.

It's, it's neither.

It's registered, it's trademarked, it's ours. We, you know, we're proud of it. It's a new way to talk about and think about and do relationships. So number one, and remember, this is. We're trying to keep it a one hour podcast. This question is a big question. What inspired you to. To create the lease option contract for Love? The Spark Notes version.

Oh, sparknotes version is. Long story short, I had a ton of commitment phobia. Like, I was not doing this commitment thing. That was ridiculous. That was for suckers. I was an independent woman who didn't need no kind of man. And so as my relationship with Tom progressed, there was all of a sudden this knowing inside of me that was like, freaking out. Like, oh, gosh, you know, I know enough about relationships that if it's not growing, it's not sliding backwards. How do you go forward if marriage is not an option on the table? Like, how do you solidify any kind of a relationship? And I'd already said to Tom, marriage, that's not something important to you. Right. Right out of the gate, when we first started talking, he was like, yeah, no, I. We got enough. God only knows we don't need more kids. So it was in the throes of this. I was sitting on a bucket downstairs in my basement, talking to Tom on the phone, and I went, oh, you know, you just have that feeling. Here's that moment. It's coming, it's coming. He's going to ask, what are we? Where do we go from here? I. And the tension was so big for me, the anxiety was so big for me that I decided I was going to handle it with a joke. And the joke was just, oh, my God, I'm kind of feeling a little freaky right now, you know, I know this is a conversation we need to have, but all I can say is, how about a lease option contract for love, you know, with the renewal date? And we laughed for a minute, and I thought, okay, I've dodged the bullet. And then Tom totally called me on it, and he goes, let's do it. You put it together. You're the one that knows. Come on, put it together. What do you need? Build us a lease option contract for love, and let's see where it takes us. And I was like, oh. And then I did. And that's where we started to refine this framework according to my needs. And here's the thing that's so cool about the framework is I thought, okay, 30 days, you know, 30 days is a great place to start. I can get all in for 30 days and explore what's possible here. And in 30 days, I was like, gosh, that was. That was pretty good. I like, I like having the conversations that we need to have. I like being able to talk about what works, and I get to teach you what works for me, and you get to teach me what works for you. And it was just this wonderful, freeing experience where we could just kind of lay everything that needed to be talked about on the table. And the spirit of full disclosure is what we talk call that. And then we were able to kind of mentor each other through. Oh, that doesn't really work. It's more like this, you know, say, like this. Touch me like this, you know? And then at the end of 90 days, I was like this thing. I'm ready to go five years. And Tom's like, Whoa, five years. Like, that's a, you know, 30, 95 years.

And I.

And I realized, actually, you know what? It's not commitment that's terrifying. It's not. It wasn't what was scaring me. What was scaring me is the understanding and know how to navigate through the inevitable up and downs of life, the changes that I now knew were a huge part of life. And with this framework in hand, I realized if we could put it on the table, if we could talk about the things that work and don't work for each of us and teach each other how to love each other best, like, there was this moment of, haha, we can navigate through anything. I think we're onto something here. And so it was something that we made a huge part of our relationship. And then as a divorce mediator, I took it into my divorce mediation practice. It really helped couples either get complete with their relationship in a loving release, or it helped them rekindle things and go, actually, I don't think we're done yet. I think this is getting better. I want to stay in. Let's go another round. And the parameters that are created with the lease option contract, the way that it helps us have, the conversations that need to be had and the ever evolving rolling over of it is magical. It is so complex.

Yeah. And I would just add, you know, whether you're in a place, we have a lot of clients that come to us, they're trying to decide if they should stay or go. We call that the land of maybe. But also on the front side, I always say, like, look, rather than trying to figure out if we want to spend the rest of our lives together, how about if we said, how about if we say 30 or 60 days? That might be a more realistic place. You know, in both of these situations, why is it that we have to. No wonder we struggle. Good gracious. How long is forever?

I don't know.

It's a long dang time, you know, and so. And when we present that to people, like, how about, could you get all in for 30 or 60 days and have us work very closely with you? Yeah, I could do that. Okay, well, then that's all. We want you to get your arms just around that. I think that is a massively freeing experience for any of us.

I think a lot of the times, too, people are lying to themselves. I think you were too, mom, too, about the fact that they're not already all in. Like, a lot of times when I have conversations with my friends who are dating and they're like, well, I'm not ready to commit. And I say to them, well, let me ask you a question. What would be different in a situation where you were fully committed? And they think about it for a second, they're like, nothing. I'm like, well, then maybe you are already in. So we lie to ourselves because to keep ourselves safe from the fact, you know, that we don't want to get hurt. But we. If we tell the truth, we already are all in. But I wanted to say that the reason why we're even having this episode is because I was scrolling on TikTok about a week ago and I came across this video from a girl who said, I just renewed my lease option contract with my girlfriend. And people thought she was joking at first. Like in the comments section, she's like, no, I'm serious. We have. And she is not working with us. She Just came up with this on her own. But we've also heard it on TV shows a couple of times throughout the years that people are saying this, like sitting at the bar. So we thought it's finally time we should actually talk about this to the public that we, we created one. It's real, and you can have one too. So it's going to be weird for people to think about it at first. They're going to be like, what are you talking about? Talking about lease option contract for love. This is what you do when you buy a house or rent a house. First of all, it's not a legal contract. It's just a, it's an agreement between you and your partner.

Yes.

It's emotionally binding, which is most important anyway.

Yeah, right.

It's not legal. It's emotional.

So to the people who are listening and they're saying, you know, this sounds interesting. What are the main benefits of using the lease option contract for love in your relationship?

I would say there's two primary benefits. Number one is ever rolling over. It's ever changing. So this grows with the changes within you, within your partner, within your relationship. And then the second is obligation is the killer of love and romance. And I know that's another done, done, done moment. Like, and it's true. I mean, the moment we step into should have to obligation. That's the minute we, you know, have that experience of, oh my gosh, I'm starting to panic. You know, what if this doesn't work out? What if I don't like it? What if I do it wrong? What if they do it wrong? And so it, it eliminates that. And the reality is that keeps us. That's a good news piece because it keeps us from getting complacent and taking our partners for granted. And it makes us show up in our relationships in ways that if we realize and understand that the only thing that per text our relationship or the only thing that, that cements longevity is we look at each other and we constantly choose in again and again and again and again. And the, the contract, the lease option contract is renewable.

Can you explain how the lease option contract prevents obligation from taking over your relationship? And I think that's a really important thing to talk about.

And let me just interject real quick. In fairness to Stacy, I think it was conversation number three when we came together over the phone. She just said, I just want you to know I have no intentions of getting married. And I said, I took a pause. I said, okay, that's not a deal. Killer and she said, because I never want us to be together because of obligation. It's exact. And I said, I can't refute that, nor do I. So I just want. It's an important. Built on that very important construct.

Because I think the first thing that people go to when you say that is the is. Is not my brain. The first thing goes to is like chores. Like I'm obligated to do chores for you. Not necessarily that marriage is the obligation that you're talking about. You know what I'm saying?

Well, there's. There's absolutely. And. And this is going to take us a little bit of into a conversation around what creates the desire to be together and to come close and to work on things even when we're going through challenges. And I'm going to propose the idea to you that unconditional love is permission for me to feel the way I feel and need what I need and be where I am, and for me to give that gift to you too. When we feel like that is gone and that I have to be someone that I'm not, or feel away, I don't. Or show up in a way that is not congruent with who I am. Not that I can't choose in to do that for you, that's a big part of relationship, but that I'm forced out of obligation to do that for you. That's where a lot of the safety and the ability to create a thriving relationship ends. That's the obligation we're talking about. It's the obligation to have to be someone or fill some way through the game of manipulation in order to be in this relationship. And because we do manipulation so well, and it's for most of us all we know, you may not even be able to see and understand where the game of manipulation is playing out in your relationship. It's. You know, there's a flash of a client that I'm remembering now. They'd been married 25 years, and he was basically saying, I'm done. I've worked my fanny off to try and make you happy, to please you, to make this a good situation for you and our kids. And I constantly just feel like I'm being rolled over and taken advantage of and that I really don't matter. She was also caught having an affair. So this was kind of like the end of the road for him where he just felt like he was, you know, chasing her for her love and her acceptance and her permission. Right. To see him, to value him and the role that he played in the relationship. And she was so upset about the fact that he was going to leave her because she had a pretty good gig going on. She didn't really have to consider him or his needs or wants in the relationship. And she could just kind of go about doing what she wanted. And I'll never forget her standing up in my office and literally screaming at the top of her lungs, you promised him love me for the rest of my life. And you just broke that contract. You just broke that agreement. I'm sick of you. And I went, whoa, okay. If that's not a big, huge demonstration of obligation, I don't know what is. Like, she wanted to obligate him to stay, regardless of what her participation or play in the relationship was. And she felt like she was very entitled to that. And I think ofttimes relationships do slide that way. You know, we. We feel like we get complacent. We want our circumstances and our situation to change. But I don't want to change. Right. I don't want to do the work. You do the work well.

And I. That's a. To just to deepen down on that. I remember you sharing that, and I think it's important for all of us to remember. I mean, I'm a huge. My family knows I'm a huge person on integral and being integral, trying to demonstrate that integral integrity within ourselves. But it's also like, look, when, when he made that promise, that commitment, however many 25 years prior, it's not to dismiss that intention to honor that, but let's just be honest. That's what's problem with this static situation. And the beauty of the lease option contract is, my gosh, can any of us not appreciate all the changes that must have transpired in his life and in our life in 25 years in her life. Yes. That's why the agreements and the understandings have to be malleable, because they're changing all the time.

Well, and another way that I think love is sometimes obligated on accident is when I'm a super anxious person. So in the past with my ex husband, I would beg him to love me and beg him to, you know, see me and validate me and all of these things. And even though that was just me being in a lot of pain from my anxiety and my insecurities and all of these issues that I have, that's obligating your partner to love you on really bad terms. You know, like, we, we don't often think of that, but that is because the. That totally Puts them in a really weird position. And, like, we don't ever want someone to love us because we're desperate. But that's what I was asking for in that moment. And that created a very strange dynamic between the two of us that I think is another way that we can. We can create obligation in our relationship. I was not intentionally doing that. I was, you know, I was just doing the best I could with what I had. But I now see that that was a really. That's not a good. That's not a good dynamic to create between begging your partner to love you when you know there's much healthier ways to go about it.

Well, and you've just highlighted the need for permission. Right. It's okay for you to be anxious, and we forget that we can just ask for what it is we need, but give them the space and permission to choose in or to offer that or to be there for you. And if we could allow for that space of choice, that dynamic would have been very differently.

Yeah, it would have been.

Emotions were still the same.

Yeah.

Yeah. Even though you were still anxious. It was just. The anxious part wasn't the. The challenge.

It was the way we manage. It was the resentment between the two of us for him, for me expecting it and him. You know, what you just described there was not. Neither of us had permission either way. I didn't have permission to be anxious, and he didn't have permission to support me because.

Well, it sounds. Sounds all like ultimatum versus permission.

Right?

I mean, exactly. So they're quite.

Obligation is a huge thing, and it really is the killer of romance, of. Of longevity. And let's just be honest. None of us as human beings want to be in a place or a situation where we're forced to be there. And we have no choice or space or permission to be ourselves, to talk about what works and what doesn't work. And that's always going to be nine times out of ten, different than your partner. Like, that's normal. That's human. And so if we don't have the ability to talk about those things that don't work, then we kind of are stuck in an emotional prison where there's things we can't talk about, things we can't explore with inside of ourselves, even though we're longing for it. And this is where we start acting out the back. Like, I'm gonna need to feel better and keep myself on the planet, so I'm gonna start doing little things to cope so that I can continue to show up in this relationship. And it's, it's fraught with obligation and manipulation, but we don't know any better, you know, so it's not your fault. It really isn't your fault. We've just never rolled up our sleeves and understood how relationships work and the skills that are required to become masterful at them.

Well, and also having something, you know, having a framework like the lease option, so we understand and, and can use this framework constantly, it's. It just bolts right onto any. Again, we're a neutral family and body of work by design. So the lease option contract, just so you know, if you're wondering, gosh, how would this work if, say, I have a strong religious practice or culture, it's beautifully. It works regardless of lifestyle choice. It's a. The framework and tools work beautifully with literally any type of relationship.

Dynamic.

Thank you. Yes.

My next question is can. We've talked about how it's been used at the beginning of a relationship coming together. It's used to help peacefully end a relationship, but can it work for a person, you know, who's been together for a long time? Does it work for anyone, no matter how long they've been in a relationship or how little?

Yeah. Yeah. Again, it just helps you learn and practice and implement the skills that are required. And then it just tracks it. It holds you accountable. There's an evaluation process where we get to come back and we get to talk about what works and what doesn't, which is the hard part. So it helps you have the conversations that are needing to be had anyway. And then there's also some agreements in there about, you know, play and novelty, because those are very important to a relationship. We often put the opportunity to be romantic, to have fun, to be novel and explore new things on the shelf and tell of our problems are solved. And unfortunately, that just is pushing us to a place where we're going to run out of emotional gas to solve the problem, to work through some challenges. And so that's an important part of a relationship that needs to be pursued that does not fall from the sky, I guarantee it. So if it's not something that you're intentionally creating, then it's not going to go well. And so we need to make that an intentional part. So that's also part of the lease option contract. And it's a place and a time where we are banging for permission and safety in our lives and in our culture and in our society. Even monogamy itself is being challenged right now where we're wanting to write our own monogamy agreements and what that means for our relationship and that they're constantly rolling over. You know, there's a saying that says it's easier to change the agreement. That's much easier than changing the person. And I agree with that. However, I do want to just highly recommend that the gift in all of this is to grow the person. I always say if you want to put your personal growth on steroids, just get into and stay in a relationship. Like it's going to take care of all the places where you feel insecure, all the places where you need to get better, all the places where you need to grow. And that seems to be a translatable gift to your partner as well. So this is a never unfolding process. Right. If you embark on it, there's always new places to explore and to grow. And that's the beauty, I think, of a mature relationship too. I mean, new relationships are really fun on the front end, but as you go and you get masterful of these things, there's nothing that replaces feeling safe with you knowing that you have my back. And that just gives us the foundation to go deeper and to explore more and to have more fun as a person and as an individual. Right. Tom's helped me explore and grow things and see things inside of myself that I had never seen or explored before. And I hope that that goes. I don't want to speak for you, but I hope that that's vice versa. Right. So you think you, you've gotten to a place where it's as good as it gets, and then there's a whole nother, like, trap door that opens in a relationship. And because we have the foundation, we can go and explore those things together and decide, you know, how it's going to play out and where everybody feels comfortable and safe. And I think that's the beauty of that. That's why you would want to go there. Right. Just like you become a different person when you learn and step into places that you've worked really hard and long for to become yourself, whether that's a singer, a writer, an actress, an artist, a graphic designer, a business owner, et cetera. I think there's places it's a journey to become masterful at those things. And then once you receive mastery, there's always new places and doors to, to be looked in and things to be experienced and explored. And I think relationships fall right in, smack dab in that category.

I agree. We've. We talked a little bit about risk in the beginning of the episode and earlier in Our text message thread today, you said, to risk is to love, meaning that there's no. Every single interaction you have in a relationship is you taking a risk. You know, like just choosing to be in the relationship again the next day. That's a risk because the person could decide to break up with you.

We.

We can't control any person who decides to be in a relationship with us. So how does the lease option contract framework help manage the risk of change in our relationships?

Well, I think the biggest thing is you're talking about it. Instead of just sitting on it and spinning and obsessively thinking and becoming more and more anxious. You're saying, this. This is so risky. Now, let me just. Let me just. Risk is scary on the front side, but there's another place where it's thrilling. Like, there's a thrilling part, an exciting part of risk, right? Think about, like, playing hooky from work one day, you know, you're like, hahaha, let's sneak out the back door and get out of here. You know, or even a good sporting event, you know, where I don't know how it's going to go. And we sort of. We thrive in, oh my gosh, it's the underdog. I can't believe this. This is. There's this unknown or this risk that plays out. We don't know how the game is going to unfold. And if we did know the end of a game or a movie or a story, it's like, meh, who cares anymore, right? We want to. We want to embark on a measure of the unknown that's thrilling for us, that's exciting for us. And when I'm embarking on the edge of what's possible or what my potential is as a human being, there is no more terrifying and thrilling space on the plan. Like, could I do it? Could we go there? Could this happen? Is it possible? Oh, my gosh. And. And sex and romance and libido and all of that comes from being able to create those moments of risk, of excitement. That's why role play is so fun, right? That's why other things. It's not that we want more sex right now as a society, as a human race, we just want different sex. We want the opportunity to explore it, to give ourselves and our partners the permission to embark on what might be. Be possible.

So there. Again, so if. And to answer Brook's question, so the LOC and the framework is going to encourage you rather than to harbor that internally. You're sharing that with your partner, right?

And so, well, and it's. And it's going to push you and it's going to challenge you to risk, to set it up so there's enough risk that you're uncomfortable and that your armpits are sweaty, but not so much so that you feel like you're jumping a canyon. Like there's a really finite line there. We need a little risk.

So it's like your tether. You're tethered. I mean, still scary. I can remember doing the ropes course. If I don't, it's scary there in heck. And it's hard for you to remember that if you fall, you're going to be okay, but it's very hard for you to remember that well.

And some people might say, okay, but if I fall in relationships, I'm not going to be okay. And I would say, oh, yes, you are. We're okay if we understand why what happened happened. And we're okay if we learn some of the skills of self validation. Right. I call it love insurance. So that if this thing burns to the ground because it is a risk, I'm going to know how to get myself through it, even though it might be painful. It's like trusting that your physical body is going to heal, that we are resilient and believing in that, that that body to do what it needs to do to heal in our hearts, emotionally, are just the same. We will heal.

I also would say it's also mitigating another risk in relationships, which is the risk of growing apart and not knowing your partner and, you know, being that part, that couple who's been married 25 years and they don't even know each other anymore, they don't know what to talk about. It's removing that, that risk. Because if you're using the lease option contract every year together as a couple, you're going to be growing together, you're not going to be growing apart. So. Which is, I think, a risk a lot of marriages are on the brink of experiencing because we don't know how to grow together as a couple. We only know how to, you know, have a date night every week or have sex on the same day every week. We've created a way to grow together as a couple, and we encourage you.

All to use it. And risk has to be part of the program. It's not a rent to own. Nobody owns anybody, right? It's. It's a space where that, that space of safety and permission has to reign, because that's the juicy part of relationships. The risk part is the juicy part of relationships, I guess, is what I'm trying to say.

Yeah, so I would say most people make it up, that we have to, you know, grit our teeth and bear it or not talk about it and just accept it or just remain silent when we're experiencing pain in our relationships or our lives instead of growing to make it better. Or we end it, you know, so we either shut up and stay silent or we say, oh, it's over, we have to get a divorce. But what should we do instead?

If we don't lay on the table, what, what's not working for you, and let's say you just sit on it, okay, that doesn't mean it's been solved and it doesn't mean it's going to go away. And in fact, what ends up happening is it becomes bigger and more painful to carry. It becomes harder to navigate. As human beings, we only really have two options to deal with our emotional feelings. That is, I talk about them, I express them, I explore them, and I call that digesting them down so that I can understand them and then be able to decide what it is I need to remedy that. And then I can ask my partner for some support and help. But they always have the permission to decide what they can give and what they can't. But it's still on me to solve it. Much like if I had a headache, you know, it's on me to solve it. I'm the one that's feeling the pain. I can get support from my person. They can bring me a glass of water, run to the store, pick up some etc. And hold my hand, talk me through it. But it's still on me to solve the problem. And our emotions are very much like that. So if I don't address them, then like I've just described, we're going to act it out, we're going to become passive aggressive, we're going to become resentful. We're going to take it out on them, make them pay, because I'm now frustrated. And they really have no idea because they're not having the experience that you're having. That seems really odd. And then everybody kind of starts playing that game, right? We're taking it out on each other because we don't know how to really say what it is we need to say or navigate through the challenges that if we really knew how to get specific and understood what was going out in our going down in our own thoughts and feelings, we could lay it on the table literally and say, okay, what are we going to do about this? This is where I'm at. Where are you? And so many times in relationships we don't have anything close to those kinds of conversations. So how in the world do we expect to solve the problem? Like, if you can't talk about the problem, you can't solve it. You can't create new strategies or remedies, you can't support each other. And so then we just bang around on each other, taking it out on each other instead. And that's where things start to break down in big ways. So that's an important key to remember, right? You need to be responsible for your emotional well being. And we just don't know how to do that. We just don't know how to do emotional weightlifting.

All right, last question. A lot of times in relationships there's a lot of like funny TikToks and Instagrams where the, where the husband's asking the wife, where are we going to eat tonight? What are we going to have for dinner? And the wife's like, I don't know. And then, and then they spend hours deciding because they, no one can ever make a decision. Well, the same thing happens when you say, what can we do to have fun with each other? You either go back to going to a movie, going to dinner, playing the same game, and it's not really fun. And what you guys call playing novelty. I don't know if other people, I think a lot of our audience and our longtime followers, they don't understand that concept of, of what play and novelty is in the first place and why it's important in our relationships. And it's because we don't know how to do it. And we, we don't have like a, a bank of ideas that we can keep going back to. That's one of the things that is great about the lease option contract. It creates a list of fun things that you both like so you won't run into that problem. That's a very long winded thing I just said.

But you're doing great.

And I would agree it's really misunderstood. And I, I am the, I am the, the CEO of misunderstanding.

What fun is.

My entire family is actually, our family doesn't know how to have fun. We're pretty intense people.

We think we're like too old or we are too mature or we can't get silly or all of these things. You know, when one of the main things that you need to have in a successful relationship is the ability to experience play and novelty. And when mom too. I have to be honest here. When you first started bringing this into our work, like 10 years ago, I, in my head I was like, this is stupid. Stupid, because that's how I'm wired as a person, just like dad said.

So you got the wrong last name. Sorry. We're working folks, man. We don't play, we work.

So I know that there's a lot of other people out there, like me and dad, who think this is stupid. Like, okay, I'll, I'll do all the other modules, the hard emotional work, you know, like emotional weightlifting, all this stuff. But the plan, novelty, that's dumb. I, I'm not like that. I'm not going to build a teepee on my bed or, you know, watch a movie underneath the dining room table or. These things are dumb. I don't need to do them. So my long winded question is, in your work, one of the most important things that you discuss is maintaining play and novelty in your relationships. Why is it so important?

So I always say the short answer is, because it refuels our emotional sense of well being. It's the quickest and fastest way for us as human beings to feel good, regardless of what's playing out, to remember that there's the good and the joy in life, even though we might be going through a really difficult time. And if I don't do that, then life becomes just more work, more drudgery, more challenge. So if you're opposed to or adverse to play in novelty, let me just be really candid with you and say, well, how much are you enjoying your life, right? Is there enough push and enough serious and enough hard that you're going to have in your life to all of a sudden take advantage of and participate and experience all the beautiful things in life? Because I'm going to propose to you that those all come from a place of play and joy and novelty. The good things, the wonderful things, the pleasure things, right? The things that move your heart, that make you cry, that make you laugh, right? That are so silly, that are surprising and exhilarating. Those all come from a very different place or station in life. And we don't want to cut ourselves off from that. And for most of us, you're right, it, it makes us uncomfortable. And that's not a bad thing. There, there are places that we need to insist that we go to develop those aspects inside of ourselves, of our.

Listeners, I know, are in really painful places in their relationships. And they probably believe that this doesn't, this part of our conversation doesn't apply to them, that they can't do this, that they can't have plan novelty because their relationships are, you know, on life support, and they can't even talk to their partner without having a fight. Is playing novelty available to you if you are struggling in your relationship? And if so, how do you. How do you do it? How do you have that when you're in so much pain?

Well, you have to understand that you're not going to get through the pain. You're going to run out of emotional gas if we don't find some joy or some measure of just helping me feel a little bit better right now. And we do that in all kinds of unconscious ways, like shopping and eating and drinking and popping pills. I mean, let's just be honest. That's. That's a version of feeling just a little bit better. That's a. I get to exhale. I get to take the pressure off, right? That feels so good. I can't wait to do it again. And the more pain I'm in, the more I want to do it, right? So that's where a cycle of addiction comes from in all of its many fashions and forms, right? Shopping over exercising, overworking, et cetera. And we can let that take its course, which is going to. Because I don't want to run out of emotional gas as a human being. Like, that's a survival skill. And we will do what is necessary to survive emotionally. But we could be very intentional about it, too. We could intentionally bring in new places of play and novelty. And so I would say the more pain you're in, the more important play and novelty has a role in your life. And. And if I may, what if you.

Think that your partner is going to laugh at you or, like, say, what the hell, we can't. What are you talking about? We're in such a bad place. No, we're not going to go have.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard you say.

And they. And they might, because it's making them feel uncomfortable. And you're asking them to do things that feel uncomfortable for them as well. And so they might take it out on you, just like we were talking about earlier. So maybe right now you won't be able to do it with your partner, but do it somewhere. Do it with your kids, do it with your friends, do it for yourself. Like, you can have play and novelty alone, right? You can switch it up for yourself. Just drive a different route, wear a fun outfit, go to a different place to eat. You Know, meet some new people. That's all novelty. Novelty is just simply doing something that you've never done before or that you don't do very often. It's just breaking up the monotonous pattern is what that is. And sometimes we have to build into play and novelty. And I like to liken this into becoming masterful at anything. Let's say I'm not really a crafty person person, but I began with something that I intrinsically just want to do. Let's. Let's say it's watercolor. And then watercolor leads to painting, and painting leads to multi medium, and then multi medium leads to glass blowing and stained glass, you know, and these things build on themselves. And I didn't have a lot of creative ideas in the beginning, but as I go through and learn more about the mediums and what it's possible, what, what the possibilities are there, I get better and better going, oh, we could do this. Oh my gosh, we could do that. Oh, what if we were to partner these things? Hey, I got some of that in the closet. Hey, what am I going to do with this? Maybe I could, right? And we become more and more creative. And so it's actually an aspect of yourself that's already there in imagination that you just start creating slowly but surely. And so start out small, right? And let it build on itself, let it become something, because it will that you continuously just explore and expand in your life and in your relationship. And yeah, you might have to start by yourself, but I hope that if you're listening to this conversation today, that you start to realize how important that is. And if I may, I think a story always helps us understand and associate where this comes from. And this ability that I have with inside of myself actually didn't come by way naturally for me. It came by way of inspiration from my mom. Like, my mom was. Was incredible at this. And to drill that or to illustrate that for you, my dad died when I was really small, and we were left with zero dollars for life insurance. And thankfully my grandfather came in and paid our house off. So that was taken care of. But there are a lot of really lean times where our power was turned off, our car was repossessed, we had nothing but, you know, oatmeal and canned peaches in the fridge to eat for periods of time. And my mom always made it into a get to. She always turned it into a piece of play and novelty. For example, when the power got turned off, she pitched a tent in our living room, and by flashlight, she had us all crawl in there with our little blankets and read stories to us at bedtime. You know, when we had nothing but frozen burritos in the freezer and the power had been turned off and the stove didn't work, we actually had a backyard barbecue with frozen burritos on the grill, right? And we sang songs and we camped out, and it was a blast. And I remember telling my friends, like, oh, my gosh, we just had the most fun ever. And they're like, what? You have a. You have. You're camping out in your living room. That's weird. But it was. It was as a kid, as a human being, I realized looking back, especially as an adult, I don't know how my mom found the ability to go there, but it was such a gift to us. And I know it was a gift to her, too, right? If she had done all that she could do for the day and I needed a little help to feel a little bit better, then what's better than a little play and novelty? How can we take our circumstance and turn it into something that's a get?

And I would just add for you, if you're listening, thinking, wow, I have. As I just shared, and Brooke has been cursed with the wrong last name, literally. This is all kidding aside. This is a huge gift. One of the many reasons, but I would say one of the top ones, why I love and cherish this woman who's my wife and business partner, because she has this ability, and I don't. And I really don't. I would. I mean, I have an incredible family, but we have a lineage like Stacy. It is strong and deep to get her done, and you get her done whatever it takes. I mean, at. Whatever it takes. And so, just as in everything, it's out of balance. So Stacy will come.

She has worked very hard to get us to have fun. And a long time we resisted. Me, dad, my brother are my uncles and cousins. But now we have fun with her. But it took us quite a few years to get us to this place. We first made her feel kind of dumb, I bet. You know, like, no, we're not doing that. But. But now we. We all do it together, and it's fun. But she. She had to work really hard to bring that feeling of us being even willing to try into our family, you know?

So it was only because I had 47 years of knowing and practice that it didn't dismantle me, because I was like, oh, no, no. See, you just don't understand. We'll just keep at it.

Yeah. I mean, so if you're wondering, if you're thinking like, yeah, but you guys don't understand my situation, I would challenge you. And again, we say this often, but why do you think every single episod have ever done, and I would sense to continue to do as long as we're podcasting? Always has a follow the fun moment. And we know a lot of you check off, don't. Don't log off, please. You've got 103 of them. You can listen to them.

The reason why I'm ending with this question is because this is the last thing that's built in to the lease option contract for love. So first you figure out what you do want you don't want. You figure out how you're going to resolve your struggles and. And then you figure out what you're going to do for fun, because it just illustrates that, yes, we have to figure out our struggles, but while we're doing that, we still need to have fun and novelty and that I just wanted to illustrate how that's built into every part of our business because we know that a lot of people are like me and dad, who resist that. And so we're going to remind you every step of the way that, no, you're not going to get away from this part. It's essential to keeping a healthy relationship.

We've even state. Brooke and I have even threatened to take it off the part of the podcast and. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, that will never happen.

Yeah, I love the analogy of. That's like saying, okay, for now, we're just gonna inhale and we're gonna inhale and we're gonna inhale. And then you forget all about the exhale because don't worry about that. You don't need that yet until you can't inhale anymore. And there is a balance there, and it refuels us and it helps us go, okay, I know this really sucks, but right now, let's just go have a little fun and remember why we love each other and why we care and why life is worth living. Right? It. It refuels us. And again, just want to give credit to my mom. That was probably one of the greatest gifts she ever gave me and my siblings was just the ability to go, okay, who cares? The car is repossessed. I remember her turning to me and going, we didn't need that thing. I guess we're gonna have to figure out how to get to school and work, aren't we? And I think that Opposed to just sitting down on the porch as a kid and watching my mom sob. She didn't know how she was going to solve that. You know what she ended up doing? She ended up riding on the back of my brother, who was 19 years old, his motorcycle to and from work for months before she could save money to ride in a car in her dress, because back then she had to wear a dress to work. And then she went on and on about how fun it was and she was so sad when it came to an end because she got to bond with my brother, she got a wonderful ride in the wind on the back of a motorcycle, and she was actually really kind of sad when it came to a close. And so she just had this uncanny ability to find the joy in any moment to extract out of these very difficult circumstances the silver lining in it all. And I can't even begin to tell you how that kept me going as a kid. And so I then, single mom, had funny enough weathered a lot of those kinds of same things with my own life. And those kept me above board. You know, they kept me going and thinking, okay, I don't know what to do today, but let me do everything I can to feel good today and then we'll face tomorrow as it comes.

Well, and I just need to say that I know you're only talking about your mom right now, but you are exactly the same way. Like every single hard experience that me and dad have experienced with you, you have done exactly the same thing you have said, okay, there's, you know, we can't really do anything about it right now. What can we do that is going to make us feel better? I just want you to hear that, that, that is exactly what you do.

Thanks.

I have a really important question, hopefully that you're also asking, if you're listening, like, okay, how the heck do I get this lease option contract for Love.

You, you join the Better Love Club and it's beginning November 10th. So I don't know when you're listening to this. November 10th, 2022, Better Love Club is opening. You'll be able to get in before that, before that day, but that's our first official starting day. And you'll join and you'll go to the bottom where it says courses and you'll be able to print yours out and start yours right away. There's videos on how to do it, but we're also gonna do some live coaching that will teach you how to do it with us. And you're going to be able to Ask any questions you need and get all the support you need to build your own lease option contract.

Hey, speaking of which, we probably need to renew ours. I got a few things to tell you.

The renew part might be shaky also.

Are you guys married now?

Yes, we are absolutely married.

So that that initial. Another thing the lease option contract allowed you to do was dismantle your fears of commitment and you mutually decided that you wanted to get married.

Good point. Good question.

Yes, absolutely. That was absolutely.

We'll talk about the renewal here later. But, you know, at the moment, it's looking all right.

Yeah, I love that. Thank you, Brookie. That was a really fun conversation. Kind of got me teary. Thank you, sweetie. Let's talk about the follow the fun this weekend or whenever your weekend is coming. You know, trying to just let go of my time zone versus when you're listening to this, I am going to invite you to walk and talk. Like, really simple, right? Find your nearest beach, forest park path, and take that special person or that special someone with you. Walk side by side, hand by hand. And I want to invite you to talk about a future. Envision what it is you want to experience together, what it is you want to co create together and allow that to be the experience that you have while you're walking. Like, there's something really beautiful and precious about seeing a couple walking side by side, hand in hand. Don't you think? I think it's. It's just so romantic. And not only is it fun to see, it's rewarding to do. You know, I love it when you walk side by side with me and hold my hand and then we get to talk about all the things that we want to create and experience and places to travel and people we want to visit and things we want to create in our house and projects.

I'm on one side. And you know who else loves to walk with you side by side is. Is Jiggy, Stacy's coon dog. He's on the other side. He loves his mom so much. I'm looking at him right now. He sounds asleep on our couch, but yes. So you got two. You're both your boys.

I'm surrounded.

Yes.

Relationships are an act of creativity, and we can choose to recreate them as often as possible or we've become stuck in something old, boring, and inadequate over time. If play and novelty is not an important part of your relationship, that's where we are doomed to go. And the counterpunch to that is learning how to incorporate some of these simple, doable, but different ideas into your life. So I hope that you'll take me up on this. Right. And if you want to share what your experience was, share pictures with us. We would love to hear how Follow the fun is being played out in your own relationship and what it's doing.

Yeah. Take a selfie when you're walking side by side and post it and tag us. That would be awesome.

Yeah. So our song, which is another just peaceful of play and novelty, but music always moves the soul too, as they say. It's the universal language and it helps us in so many other ways. And share that.

We shared it a few episodes back. What is it? The research that if you. If you, well, listen to a certain.

Yeah. If you listen to five to ten songs a day, it improves memory. It extreme. It strengthens your immune system, and it actually reduces the risk of depression by 80%. Like, those are huge numbers. Those are big deals. So music is an incredible important part of being a human being as well. And the song for today's episode, I was so excited when I found this. I don't know about y', all, but I love music. So, child, I've loved him for a really long time. Back from the early 80s. He's just got really good soul music. I don't know if you've not listened to our playlist, you probably don't know that. I love soul music and jazz and R B. But don't worry, in our playlist, we have country and some rock and some other things. But definitely it's revealed, in all fairness, to be transparent. Yeah, 80% kind of leans the other way, but he actually has a song called Love Contract. What? Like, I was like, that's so perfect. That's incredible. And the words go, stop running around. Settle down and love better. It's time to love you it's time to pursue love forever. It's time for a love contract, baby. And I was like, that's perfect. That's the song for this episode. A lease option. Contract for love is a very doable endeavor. And we can begin and meet you right where you are and listen to this song and imagine what might be possible. What would you put in your contract? What would you say, as you lay on the table, the needs that are not being met right now in your own life and relationship? And one of the things that are just wonderful, that keep you there, those are beautiful things to discover and not only discover for yourself, but to share with your partner. There's nobody who wants to know more about what you love about them. And your relationship than your partner sitting across from you. So with all the love in my heart, I'm going to invite you to embark on a lease option contract for love. It's going to keep you out of that rent to own mentality. That's a good thing. So we're Thomas. Stacey Bartley. It's been a pleasure to be here with you inside the love show.

And Brooke Brown, our incredible extraordinaire. Yeah, pretty soon she's going to be taking over the show. I know.

Boy, she smacked us down in the beginning, didn't she? Okay, we'll play. We'll play. Good. You take the reins. If you by chance have a conversation about love and relationships you want to have on this show, please don't hesitate to reach out to us, engage with us. We love that you can do that by going to our website. You can also explore anything that we've talked about on this podcast or previous podcast by visiting that website as well@stacybartley.com so have a wonderful walk, everybody. Enjoy that conversation about what might be possible in your future. Sending you tons of love today and look forward to being back together with you inside the live chat next week.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.