#105: The 6 Pillars You Need To Save Your Relationship (Part One)

I could give you all the communication frameworks in the whole wide world. I could tell you how to say it. I can tell you why we say it that way. And I have those. We have a wonderful framework and frameworks that we use to help you with communication. But here's what we've learned is true. Until you understand the foundational part of relationships and you learn how to emotionally regulate yourself, which is number two pillar, you're never going to use them.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations, and have a little bit of fun along the way. We're Tom and Stacy Bartley, and we are your hosts of Love Shack Live. It is great to be here with.

You today along with our daughter Brooke.

And we are going to be talking about what you need to become a masterful lover at relationships.

A masterful lover.

And this is going to be part one of two. So we are going to talk about some absolute important things that you need to know in order to save your relationship. And I want to begin this conversation by exploring and thinking about the many ways we attempt to improve our relationships right now. Now. So if you're like me or if you're like some of our clients, they have done things like online quizzes, right? They take a quiz to see, you know, who's doing what and why. One of the favorites is the attachment style quiz.

Well, that's big right now.

So we can decide who's anxious, who's avoidant, who's secure, and where we are in the mix. We also love, like, the Meer Briggs personality.

Myers. I think it's Myers. It's plural. Myers Briggs, Myers.

Yeah.

And what about, you know, traditional therapy and counseling? You know, they ask us to talk about our feelings, which are good and they're awesome. Talking about our feelings also leads to just talking about our problems. And after we talk about our problems for so long, it doesn't necessarily take us out of and or help us build and know how to go forward. And that usually leads us to a place where we love to diagnose and label each other. So we start slacking, slapping on a diagnosis of your, your bipolar, your manic depressive, or you're a narcissist or you're gaslighting or you're codependent. You know, you need to pull it together. And so we start slapping these labels on our relationship and on our partners, and then there's the horoscopes and astrological charting. And we look those up to make sure that we're a matchy matchy pair and that we do well together. And babe, we got that one in the bag. Like, I'm an Aries. We do. I'm an Aries and you're an Aquarius. And what I hear is that an Aries loves to burn the air off of an Aquarius. Rare. Right? And I would say that's pretty true. That that is.

Our daughter is just shaking her head.

Right now and then. And then at the very bottom of the stack and. And not to. These are not in any order. I'm not discounting in any kind of a priority order. I'm just simply trying to go through the list of things that we typically do when we're trying to save our relationship or we're trying to find answers about love and relationships, is we might seek out a tarot reading or a psychic to tell me, oh, my gosh, what am I doing? How is this going to go? What should I be doing instead? And these are all things that help us see ourselves in the moment. It's kind of like I want you to think of them like taking a picture in time like you would at, like, a party or holidays are coming up, or just for any old time that you're wanting to capture a moment in your life.

Let me ask. A lot of times we use the medical analogy because I think a lot of people can, you know, relate to that.

But.

So it would be like what you just shared would be like an X ray.

Yes, it would be like a picture of an X ray, but it doesn't certainly give you the whole picture, the whole person. And that's where I'm going with this. It's like a picture in time in your life. It helps you see one perspective of yourself. But. But you are way more fluid and dynamic than that. Like, you are so much more than a quiz or a personality test or a psychic reading or a horoscope partnership. And sometimes these things can make us feel like we're making progress when really we're not. But do they really help us get better at love? Like, if you're having a fight or an argument or, you know, you need to bring up a conversation that's been. Been way too long since you visited it or, you know, that there's things in your relationship that are not working for you. You know, also that maybe there's some needs that are not being met that you would love to ask for, are these Things really going to help you do that? Unfortunately, no would be the answer. And so we spend a lot of time, effort, and energy pursuing these things, but they really don't take us anywhere. At the end of the day, I'm still not getting better at how to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life. And. And I can't throw out, hey, you know what my love language is? You know, words of affirmation when we're having a fight and expect you to, like, affirm me in that moment and that that's somehow going to help us get through the conversations and more importantly, find the solutions to what's going on in our relationship. Because I know my love language or I know my sign talking about my feelings, you know, it's not going to take us anywhere. And it's because of this that I become very impassioned about the work that we do. And I want to share with you how we lay the workout that we do in Better Love Club, because I think it's high time we focus on getting better at love and simply not just taking yet another personality or quiz or horoscope. It's like, let's once and for all roll up our sleeves and get better at relationships. Let's become masterful at the skills and the understanding that are required to do that. So today we're going to have Brooke come on, and she's going to ask us some questions about our six pillars. There are six pillars that we absolutely teach and ment, mentor and practice inside of Better Love Club. And I want you to know why we lay them out that way. I want you to understand why it is we do what we do so that you can truly know and understand. You are going to be armed with what it is you need to not just navigate your life and your relationship today, but for the rest of your life. And to me, that means.

And we're talking about the first three of the six in this episode.

Take it away, Brookie. Welcome to the show.

Okay, our first pillar is foundation.

So.

And yes, that makes sense, but I think a lot of people, when they come in to work with us, believe that the first pillar, or the first thing they're going to learn how to.

Do is communicate communication.

So why do we start here with foundations instead of learning how to communicate better first?

Well, you can't communicate better until we do a couple of things first. That's actually fast forwarding to the third pillar. There's like, one, two, and three foundations is one, two is emotional weight lifting, and three, you know, the Distant, distant. Three. Number three is the communication module. And the reason why is I could give you all the communication frameworks in the whole wide world. I could tell you how to say it, I can tell you why we say it that way. And I have those. We have a wonderful framework and frameworks that we use to help you with communication. But here's what we've learned is true. Until you understand the foundational part of relationships and you learn how to emotionally regulate yourself, which is number two, two pillar, you're never going to use them because when is hitting the fan, it happens really fast. Emotions move really fast. And you're going to go to doing what it is you have been doing and know to do without any thought at all or any resistance at all. And those communication frameworks, those beautiful things that you've been taught to share and say are going to get thrown in the trash. They're not going to mean anything. So that's why you're not going to do community.

So really it's a, it's kind of a first, you know, say like and I share this on our clarity calls is we need to understand how relationships work and most importantly, how we're wired as humans. Yes.

Well, that's what foundations is all about. It helps us understand what is.

What is foundations about?

So there's a couple things you need to know in the foundations and that's how relationships work. Because we have some really interesting ideas about how they're supposed to work. And let's be honest, there's some really interesting stories about how the narrative is supposed to go. It's like, hey, you know, it's even in our marriage vows, hey, I'm going to sacrifice everything that I am to please you, make you happy. And we look them dead in the eyes and say, you're going to give that to me too, right? And then we're going to avoid conflict and then we're going to ride into the sunset and this is going to be a great relationship. And it's not until you learn the foundations piece, you realize that whole narrative, that whole conversation is so flawed right out of the gate. Like the minute I'm going to start to try and make you happy and sacrifice myself when I. We are in a process of breakdown and it's important you understand that. Okay, so it's not our fault. We've just never like rolled up our sleeves and learned how relationships work. The other important thing that you're going to learn in foundations is safety. Like if it's not emotionally safe and Physically safe to share myself with you. We will not do it. We'll do a whole lot of other things, but we won't share. Share what we need, what's going on, what's working, what's not working. And so you're going to need to learn how to build some emotional safety to be able to share and use those beautiful communication frameworks that are coming in pillar three long before we get there. And safety is something that we build over time and it takes skill. So if it isn't safe, we can even know. Okay, yeah, safety makes a lot of sense. I don't feel safe in my relationship. Great. How do you build it and how do you practice building it and how long is it going to take and what do you need to watch for? Right. How does this roll? Those are things that you're going to learn in foundations and there's a lot of aha moments in foundations where you kind of go, oh my gosh, that makes so much sense.

So would you say in working with your 500 and some clients over the last 10, however many years is this pillar where you get like, why haven't I ever been taught this before?

Well, 1 and 2.

I know we hear that often.

1 and 2 are teaching us about things we've wrestled with and that have created a tremendous amount of internal conflict within us for so long. And because the quizzes aren't working and because the love languages aren't working, and even though I know my attachment style and you're avoidant and you know, I'm anxious, it doesn't take us anywhere into helping us understand these two things that are so critically important to human behavior. Honestly, we're studying human behavior and how humans bond and how relationships roll. In summary, I want to assure you we're not going to get into how many grams of dopamine and melatonin and how that circulates through your brain. I mean, we're going to just give you the summary.

You're not going to get too science.

Geeky on us that most everyone can understand. I teach these same principles to my youth that are stepping into dating and learning about sex and relationships and intimacy. So, you know, I believe that if a 16 year old can get it, so can you. Like, it's, it's summarized, but it makes so much sense because like I said already, these are things that we've been wrestling with for a really long time and we haven't understood why the name.

Foundations has sort of a double entendre, meaning it teaches us the foundations of working with the team at Stacey Bartley Relationship expert. But it also teaches you how to have an actual stronger foundation in your relationship. So what are some of the signs that a relationship might need a stronger foundation?

Well, the first thing is we do all the things that you're probably figuring out by doing those quizzes. You know, you're going to realize you're anxious or somebody's avoidant or somebody's codependent or somebody's manipulating, which is gaslighting, narcissism, power and control. We don't talk. It doesn't feel safe to talk. And that there's no intimacy happening. Like you know, the intimacy is continuing to decline or you've been living in a sexless partnership for months, days or years. And these are signs that there is no foundation to your relationship. That everybody is really just surviving, they're in survival mode, doing the very best they know how right they we really are. I mean, I believe that relationships bring out the best in us and we really do our best to do what we know and then we start to see how far that takes us. Right. There's so many places that we don't understand and that we don't know how to build a stronger foundation with inside of ourselves or in the co creation called our relationship. And that's what foundations is all about. So those are some telltale signs that your foundation is in trouble, quite frankly that, that you need to understand more about how this works, about how it works individually, collectively, and how to move through it.

And would you say. Because I know we say this a lot and I don't know if I don't think a lot of, because I use, I share this in my clarity calls. I don't know if people really grasp or understand when we've said for many years, you know, we sacrifice, you know, we get tripped up on the circumstances versus the experience. So is this your answer to that meaning? We have to understand the foundational components of how we come together as human beings. And we like to, to poke and jab and talk continuously about the specifics of the, of the, of the conditions of. He said, she said. He did. They did, yes.

This is how it went down. That's a byproduct of our foundational frameworks as well as the emotional weightlifting framework. So you're actually starting to step a toe into pillar number two.

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Which truly. Okay. Because that's where we're going anyway. But it is true unless we understand how the relationships work and what's driving those emotions, then we're going to tend to go to the blaming, you know, the labeling, the diagnosing, the taking it out on each other and not understand why it's not working and why we're not getting the result that we're ultimately hoping and driving for. I hope that makes sense. And we'll talk about. We'll talk about that as we move into pillar number two, which is emotional weightlifting.

So that brings us to pillar two, emotional weightlifting, which I will say the definition of, because I've memorized it for this episode.

Nice job.

Emotional weightlifting. Well, I also memorized it, and I'm also translating it to be a little bit easier to understand, I think.

So. Emotional.

Good idea.

Emotional weightlifting is learning how to do two things. One is regulating your emotions, and two is learning how to translate them into a language that first you understand so that you can communicate them with your partner in a way that is easier for them to understand, too. Yeah, I condensed that into two seconds. But that's probably one of the hardest things that we'll ever learn how to do as a human being, because think back to your last fight with your partner and how easy it was. Like Mom 2 said in the beginning of this episode, the second you become triggered or the second they say something that you know, it presses your button. You do not think to yourself, okay, let me regulate my emotions. It's time for me to translate them into a language I can understand. You don't do that. You think what you're going to say is snarky or defensive or rude or mean or terrible, or you shut down or you run away or you close the door. All of those things. Those are called. We call that that thing you do. And that's the thing we always go back to. So emotional weightlifting is difficult because it's putting a pause in front of those things that you do and then having to do something different. Was that good?

That was really good. And I just want to add, you got to know what you're doing to even put a pause in front of it first. And so that's where emotional weightlifting begins. And you mentioned it. It's in that thing I do. We have to explore that thing I do, which typically for most of us, is something we don't put a lot of thought to. It's usually something, if anything, we're trying to defend. Right. I might even say, this is my personality. Get over it. This is just who I am. Get over it. Or, no, no, no. I don't talk about those things. You need to stop right now. Or. This is also where I love to, like, teach and preach what I know because of all that online searching I've been doing. It's like, let me tell you where you're screwed up, and if you'll pull it together, there's this article that says if you'll do this, this and this, you'll be healed and then we'll be happy. So I teach, I preach, I lecture, I blame, I coerce, I beg, I play plead. I do all kinds of things here in that thing I do. So we've got to be able to take a deep dive into that. And that's exactly where emotional weightlifting begins.

And is that thing I. And is that thing I do, like, like, really turning, you know, all those fingers that were pointing elsewhere back into ourselves?

I was just going to say when you. I was gonna say the same exact thing you're saying, dad. You have to. When you figure out that thing you do, it's admitting a flaw. It's not. It's not exciting. It's not like, yes, I figured out that thing I do. It's like, oh, man, I've been doing the wrong thing for all of these years because I. Because you didn't know any better. But also you. You have to admit where you. Where you go into that thing you do because it, It. That's where your slip into, you know, chaos.

I gotta. I gotta defend that thing I do, okay? I want to be. I want to be the bearer, bring.

Some grace to us that are kicking our own, you know what, right now.

So much that you've done it wrong, it's that realizing that thing I do comes from a very special place. It's something that you've learned to do, cope in an environment when you were probably growing up as a kid that you didn't have any options for. Like, so that thing I do, we develop as a coping skill or a survival mechanism to help bring us to the point that you are today. Like. Like, it's good and it needs to be celebrated because it brought you here. And it's only when I look at that thing I do can I give it an upgrade, can I work with it? Otherwise it's going to have its way with you without any intentional or conscious thought about it. So I want you to understand you're not doing it wrong. It's just time to take that survival skill that you've learned that has brought you to this moment that is no longer in its totality, helping you do or be right. What you want to be or what you have the capacity to be. And it's just time to give it an upgrade. And the only way we can do that is if you're willing to look at it, if you're willing to accept it and own it and see it. And this is one of the most courageous, difficult things that we do. And the reality is when I say, hey, you want to work on your relationship? What we're really saying is, hey, it's time to work on yourself. Because when you think about it, that's what you bring to the table of a relationship so that we can co create with each other. And the better I understand myself and the better that I can be with being able to share that with you, the better it's going to go. And I'm only responsible for that side. My person is responsible for the other side of the table. But it's my job to get myself to that table.

So through emotional weightlifting then, and the practice that we're going to have every week inside Better Love Club then, is that going to help people more easily and more quickly figure out the thing that they do well?

And here's the really good news, bad news about this. Okay, which, which one do you think we should give first? The good news or the bad news?

I give the bad news first.

Okay, the bad news is this is never going to stop. Like your emotional weightlifting or your need to do emotional weightlifting is never going to be complete and done. You're never going to be able to check that box and go, okay, emotional weight le thing for today or for the rest of my life is done. Check. It's something that you're going to constantly and consistently need to come back to again and again and again. And the reason why is because what happens, what happens is we change as individuals and as people and as a couple is going to change. And so that need to kind of come back and regulate again and understand again and to explore again is going to be ever present.

Okay, before people everyone logs off this episode, what is the good news? Because like, damn, you just like, you know, come on. That, you know, however long is for the rest of the journey is long.

Oh, I see.

So give me the good news.

Yeah, the really good news is when you get good at this, you're going to be able to clean up conflict and navigate through the inevitable ups and downs of life and relationships effectively, efficiently. Which means you're going to get through them fast, quickly. No more days or weeks or months of like not talking, silent breakdown, pain, etc. You're going to know and have the skills.

They're back. People have logged back on though.

Get through it quickly.

Okay, you little goody two shoes, you've blown through all my questions about emotional weightlifting by just cutting me off the entire time. So the last, the final, the question number three about emotional weightlifting, it's our last question on this pillar, is why do you think this is the most important thing for people to learn in order to be successful. Successful with being better at communication?

Because until you learn that you is what you bring to the table, until you are able to regulate your emotions because you're. They're gonna flash. They are absolutely gonna flash. Just letting them have their way with the conversation or with you, meaning the reacting part. Reacting to what's playing out. That's easy. That's super easy. And it takes no strength, it takes no thought, no awareness, no skill. No skill. And that's what most of us do because we don't know to do better until we develop some strength to resist the temptation to simply react and we know what to do instead, then we can become better at this thing we call love and relationships. Like this really is getting to the heart of the matter, which is if I don't get good at this and I don't create a break pedal with inside of myself and within the communication that I'm trying to create with another person, we can't go any further. We can't go anywhere. We can't have the communication and the conversations that we know we need to have. Because when you have them, it's going to do what it's probably doing right now. You start them, you, you say a few words, everybody gets flashed and everybody reacts. And then we redline and we're in a fight and it breaks down and then we stop the fight and then we regroup and then we come back and we just repeat that cycle. And the unfortunate thing about that cycle is it becomes more and more sensitive over time. So now you're fighting more often and the fights are getting intense because we're not making our way through them. So that's going to require emotional weightlifting every time. So once we get good at emotional weightlifting, once we realize we have a brake pedal and we can develop some confidence inside of ourselves, ourselves and inside of our communication with our partner. Now we're ready to step into some communication frameworks. Why? Because you'll use them.

That's why we, we as a family have devoted every single week we're coming together and we're going to do Some emotional push ups.

Yep.

Because I said, remember, you're never done with this part. It's like thinking that all of a sudden you're going to go do a workout and eat really healthy and then you're done. Chuck, I'm physically healthy for the rest of my life. Not the case at all. Like, that's crazy. You would think that was crazy thought. Well, that's crazy thought. When it comes to your emotional well being and the health and wellness of your relationship too. You're never done with it. It's going to be a consistent practice with some intention, but you're going to get really good at it. So you get fast, effective and efficient. So you spend more time in the good stuff, stuff what I call the ROI of your relationship, and stop spending the majority of your time in the pain and suffering of relationships. Y right. You get to the good stuff more often.

Okay, that brings us to number three, which is everyone's favorite communication everybody. My parents interviewed thousands of couples when we were doing some market research for our last group program. And the number one problem that every almost 90% of the people cited was communication. And we've already talked about why we need to do other things before we can learn how to be communicators. And I would also say that is probably why you are bad at communication because you don't have the foundation and you don't have emotional weightlifting. So what do you think are the benefits of using the communication frameworks that you've created and also how do they make communication easier in your relationship?

So though we can say anything we need to say, we really can. But how we say it is important because we can say it in ways that can be heard or we can say it in ways that just bring about those emotional defense mechanisms and other humans. And what's really cool to understand is that most of us humans are wired very similarly. Like there are very key words and phrases that will trigger us, and there are words and phrases that help us calm down, that help us see or understand things from a different perspective. And knowing what those frameworks are is a huge game changer now that you can regulate yourself. Okay. So that's why one person that understands communication frameworks can change the trajectory of a conversation. If I'm skilled in this area, then I'm not going to worry about stepping into a difficult conversation because I absolutely know how to not only navigate myself through it, but to basically facilitate the people that I love through it as well. I also know when to shut it down, when we're not making any progress. And I don't call that a lose or a fail. I call that around. And if it takes us 50 rounds, if it takes us 150 rounds to get through some difficult conversations, then we'll take the time to do that. What's important, and we teach this in our communication frameworks, is that everybody is in a place where they're willing to come back around and continue that conversation. And that's not typically how that rolls. That's a skill. We usually take communication to a point where it's like, screw you. Screw you. Oh, yeah, you're gonna do that? Well, hell with you. I'm gonna ask, you know, and we walk out the door and slam it, and that's the end of the conversation. Well, do you think you're gonna come back around and continue that conversation? Oh, hell no, you're not. Okay, let's just be honest. But if I were to end that conversation and saying, hey, you know what? I think we've reached a point where we've taken this as far as we can. And I really appreciate you having the courage and the willingness to sit down and talk with me about this. I know this is hard. I know we didn't get through it like we wanted to, but I want you to know this is important to me too, and that I really love and appreciate you. How about we pick it up tomorrow after dinner and we put the kids to bed, and then we continue the conversation again? And so that idea that it has to be done in one conversation. Don't set yourself up like that. It does not. I would recommend that you take as many rounds as you need to to get through a difficult topic. And if we continue the conversation, each round is going to reveal something for myself or for my partner or for what's playing out for each of us that then we can utilize to take the next step. And maybe that step is really teeny tiny, but eventually we will get to a place where I go, that works for me. Does that work for you? And you go, yeah, let's go. Let's do this. And so that's. That's what communication is for. If I may, communication really is not for weaponry, not for proving your point, not for teaching and preaching. It's for understanding yourself as I share it and for understanding my person. And that's a really big hard period. And you think about all the other things we use communication for. Right. It's ghastly. Sometimes when we think about what we use our communication for, we do and commit horrendous things say mean, terrible, horrible, horrendous things, things that we don't mean. We say them because we're reacting to those emotions. And then our relationships and ourselves break down as a result of that. I think one of my, my, my most common statements in some form or fashion is this. A relationship is turning me into a monster of myself. I am showing up and doing and saying things that I never thought I would do. And unless we understand these three pillars, that is exactly what happens to us in our desperation to feel heard, to find meaning, to feel validated, to make progress, to understand. We end up taking our pain and our frustration and our suffering out on our partners because we don't know what else to do, right? And that's what breaks us down overall.

I want to share a quick little story. I was going to ask you, can you share an example of one of the communication frameworks? But I am going to take over right now and share one of my stories. When I first came together with my now fiance Jack, I brought in a lot of baggage from my past relationship, and we've talked about this in a past episode, that when you do that, when you divorce someone or break up with someone without healing, then you have to act all that out in your next relationship. Sorry for your partner, but that it benefits them too.

There's, there's always benefit that goes both ways. You know, it's never a one sided.

Deal, but you have to then, you know, dig through all of that baggage and throw it out. But that requires you working through a lot of things. So one of Jack and I had an issue communicating, especially during arguments in the beginning of our relationship. And they would become knockdown, drag out fights, yelling, screaming late into the evening, in the morning because we had a weird schedule. So he works second shift and so we would be screaming at each other till three in the morning. So stupid. Just like over what? I don't even know. But then we would get to the point where we were both hungry and exhausted because we'd been fighting for hours. No one made dinner. So we would go to Denny's. We would only go to Denny's when we were in the worst emotional state that two people have ever been in in their lives. I'm proud to say we only had to do that two times. And we've never gone back to Denny's.

By the way, Denny's is our new sponsor, if you're just wondering.

And we always joke about how the waiter at Denny's because the same guy served us both Times he must have thought, like, what is wrong with these people?

Perfect.

Be like a perfect music video, you know, Jack and Brooke.

I was crying and eating french fries because we were still mad at each other. But we, we needed to eat. But it just goes to show, I'm telling this story because I want people to know that your communication right now can be terrible. It can be as bad as mine and Jack's was. But we didn't want to break up with each other. We were still deeply in love with each other. We just didn't have the tools and the skills. Even though I worked for my parents who are relationship experts. It just goes to show that it doesn't matter, you know, like, you can have really terrible communication. You can have a bad foundation, you can not know how to do emotional weightlifting, but you can turn that all around. Like Jack and I never fight like that anymore. It would be absurd if we ever got to that point. We had an argument the other day that ended so, so quickly. Like quicker than it even started. Because I've learned how to do a pause and he has learned that he doesn't need to go so hard to push my buttons anymore. That was kind of what we both learned and it has been with the help of these concepts. But it's not like I sit down and get out my workbook and worksheet and like make sure I'm checking off all the boxes. It just takes time to, to have those emotional muscles, but they work. And I just wanted to share that because I bet a lot of people, you know, have similar instances where they just don't know how to stop fighting once they've started. Because that's exactly how we felt.

Well, and you know what's so incredible about what you brought up is it doesn't take a long time. It just takes some awareness and some intention and then you can get benefit really, really quickly from just knowing and understanding what to do instead of what it is I now am doing. And what's interesting as human beings is we will do what we know even though we know it's a non working strategy because we don't know what to do instead. And that's a huge piece, is that we need to learn and understand what to do instead. And then we need to practice it when we're not emotionally triggered so that then when those moments do come, you can do just what Brooke is said, you can get through them and it becomes more of an innate thing that I do instead of what it is I am now doing.

Yeah, I would Say it's very similar to, you know, for those of us, you know, on the physical side, we use this a lot. It's muscle memory. So it would be emotional memory again. And that's why we are so passionate and excited to have this emotional weightlifting gym. It is a real digital community that's going to come together. Stacy's going to give us all. Each week it's going to be different. Sometimes there's a scenario, there'll be something that you know, will have a, we'll set it up. And then again, the power to be able to practice with not your significant other too is very, very important. Because when all the risk is there, there's not a lot of room for error that we often think. So you're gonna like, no wonder we can't imagine doing it because like, I can't do that with that one, but I could maybe do it with someone that is in our community. That's an easier ask.

Well, and get this. Okay. You know how like professional athletes, they kind of like watch the tape, the game tape.

Yeah.

This is the opportunity to slow it down so that you can see what's actually happening. Because if it's playing out in real time, it's going to happen too fast and you're not going to be able to catch it. But if we practice with somebody else and we can slow it down and we can see it playing out in a much more slower place because you're not triggered, then when you are, right, it's a game changer. It literally is a game changer. You can pick it up and see it happening more fluidly in real time. And so this, the emotional weightlifting gym, which is absolutely a part of Better Love Club, is for that purpose. We get to slow it way down so we can see and we can understand and we can practice in slow motion so that when it's happening in real life, we can be successful with it. It's really important that you understand that. And that's why we do want to practice with people in the community that we know and we trust and that we feel safe with. And then when the rubber meets the road and it's counting for real, right. It's game day. You know exactly what to do. You've rehearsed it, you've practiced it, you know, you understand. And then it creates a true level of confidence and self esteem to step into knowing how to navigate through those inevitable ups and downs of love in life. Right. You don't need to be afraid anymore. Think about how many times that you step into a difficult conversation, and the narrative in the back of your mind is, God, I hope this goes well. I hope that our relationship can survive this conversation. Conversation. I mean, that's a terrible place to be. And you're showing up anxious, with no confidence, no self esteem. And it's so easy to find ourselves in what I call the weeds, which is yet another framework that we talk about in communication.

Well, and I think it's exactly why most of us don't. What you just described. We just don't. We don't go there.

Yeah.

Like in the Smith house, we don't talk about that. Well, what do you talk about? Not a whole lot.

Well, they become emotional prisons.

Right.

Because we can't go anywhere. And so now we're just all walking around carrying these emotions, which, oh, by the way, aren't just stored in a nice, safe place. You're just going to act them out instead. This is where passive aggressiveness comes from. Not because. I mean, not because I'm a monster, but because I got to do something with these feelings I'm having. And if I can't lay them on the table with you, well, guess what? You're going to just pay in other ways.

Kind of backed up emotionally, huh?

Yeah. So it's important for us to. To realize we can say what we need to say. And it's important also for us to not be afraid of difficult conversations like they're part of relationship. What doesn't work in our life and in our relationships is normal. Like, there are going to be things that don't work for you in every single relationship you have ever been in or will ever be in, including, like, your little furry friends. Like, there are things I love about my dog and things I don't like about my dog, and that's normal. And we don't talk about that kind of normal when it comes to relationships. We think that if there is a problem or something that I don't like, it means that I'm done. You're done. We're done. And that, as one client just said yesterday, this whole thing is ruined. It's just ruined. And that made me smile and I thought, no, it doesn't just happen like that. They're gonna be things we don't like. And that's okay. That's normal. Yeah. So where do we want to go now, Brookie? We've. We've covered all three pillars, which I think we did a fantastic job with. Is there any questions. Questions that are coming up for either of you that you Feel like you want to highlight or bring about about the three pillars. They're important. Like the first three are game changers. The first one is a game changer. You start building on emotional weightlifting. Change your life forever. For your whole life. When you get now we're putting on the icing like communication frameworks, you're going to use them now, you're going to understand them. You're going to know how to have those conversations and get through them in a way that starts to build confidence in not only yourself to navigate them, but confidence in your relationship.

And I would just add if incorrect me if I'm wrong because the ladies are the bosses here. If you're just wondering. We're going to be continually adding to all of these pillars from, from a teaching and training component again, we're starting Better Love Club. It's the founder, whoever's joining us. You will be a founder. You will be forever remembered and appreciated. No, all kidding aside, you will be. But this is not a stagnant curriculum. It's not. It's going to be continually attitude because as Stacy's working with her one on one clients, you know, that's and what we navigate as a couple and a family, all of that is continuing to be an attitude. This is really important distinction. This is not a stagnant curriculum and a static training and educational portal. It's going to be.

And I want to also point out the other side of this which this curriculum comes from. 10 years and 500 plus clients like this is tried and true curriculum. This isn't something that we're just making up and putting in there for the very first time. So this is good stuff. We know it works because it's worked for many people from around the world. And so I know that it will work for you too. And just like you, we're going to continue to work at it and get better.

All right, now I think it's time for can you feel it and follow the fun. You will hear the next three pillars. You can hear them sooner if you join Better Love Club opening up November 14th.

I love it. And that's November 14th, 2022. In case you're listening to that at some point in time in the future, we'd love for you to come.

You can join Better Love Club. We are opening the doors and having our first training call where you will be learning a new skill on November 14, 2022. And for more info you can go to stacybartley.com Yahoo.

So let's turn the corner here. Where we live. It's the week of Halloween, and I love Halloween. I don't know how you feel about Halloween, but I love Halloween. I love the whole dress up. I love the whole play and novelty. It brings out kind of like this childlike essence in us even as we are adults. And several years ago, I created a haunted tent that I set up on Tom and I's bed in our bedroom. And we were able to climb in there and get dressed up and watch a scary movie and have some snacks. And it's still to this day. We've done it many times, but it always brings back a fun, fun memory for us that I wanted to pass along to all of you today for our follow the fun moment. And so if Halloween has come and gone in your life when you're listening to this, don't let that stop you. There's something about building a fort and climbing in it and watching a movie with some snacks that's good any old time of the year. I've included a link in the show notes in regards to how to build your tent and some ideas that we love for some snacks and some ideas and suggestions about some scary movies that you could potentially look at. But again, if that's not where you are right now, just take those same elements and put them into your life right now and the video will help you build that tent. Now you might be going, oh, see, I'm too adult to build a tent. Well, I'm going to challenge you there. I There is some wonderful science in Better Love Club about what play and novelty bring into our lives. And I just need you to know that this is scientifically driven. This isn't just this crazy lady over here that does this wonderful relationship stuff that's telling you to just be really optimistic and playful and that it doesn't work. It does work, and it's so wonderful to have science back me on this one so that people don't continue to think I'm a little outside of my crazy zone. It's important for us to have play and novelty in our life, and it's becoming more and more important as things become more emotionally overwhelming and stressful and there's more and more anxiety that's playing out in our lives as we live today. So play is absolutely the counterbalance to that. So I'm going to ask you to please challenge yourself or challenge your partner. Maybe you're willing to do it, but your partner isn't. Build it anyway. It's kind of like that idea. If you build it and you get inside and you have a good time and they see you having fun, you have a more likely chance that they'll be join you with it.

If you build it, they will come.

Oh, good job. In this particular case, yes, that's is true.

I love it. And so our song today is actually from Adele. She has a newer song out that I absolutely fell in love with called why I Drink Wine. And her lyrics.

You drink wine? Even without a song, I. I don't.

Need a problem to drink wine. I like to drink wine any old time. It's. It's really. I was going to say something, but I'm going to omit it. I don't think I'm going to go down there, but. But back to Adele's I Drink Wine, she says, how do we become so bound by the many choices of life? And how is it I become a version of me that I don't even like? And I think so many times relationships do that to us, right? And then she goes on to say, I hope I learn how to get over myself. Stop trying to be somebody else. I just want to love. I want to love freely. And I think, you know, that's really kind of what we all want. We all want to have the ability to just let go, not be afraid that you're going to take my vulnerabilities and my thing I do and use it against me. I want to be able to feel good about who I am and how I'm showing up in this relationship. And that's really, at the end of the day, what makes relationships so great. I think so many of us work so hard and diligently on our relationships, and yet we don't know how to suck the ROI out of that. We see it, we know it's possible in our hearts, but we don't know how to really feel all the wonderful things that relationships can bring into our lives, especially mature relationships over time. So we tend to not value them or think it's possible. I want you to know as we close this episode, that it is absolutely possible for you to have a relationship where you get a return on your investment. Yes, it takes work, it takes intention, it takes thought, it takes learning, it takes skill. But you absolutely can do it. And they're not just for the chosen few. You don't just get lucky. Some of us do, but most of us don't. It is a byproduct of what I'm willing to do and willing to put in the effort and work so I can reap that sweet, sweet Something that only relationships can give us. So don't wait. Just don't wait. That's what I always say. Don't wait. Get in, get busy, get going. Because you, too, deserve the sweetness that only love can bring into our lives. If you're not already on our list, or if you are already not on Spotify, following our playlist, just know that there is a song for each and every episode that we have ever put together that you can find by going to our website or going to Spotify and searching my Love Shack playlist.

I don't think that's correct, ladies.

Love Shack playlist.

No, let. Brookie, no, that's still not it.

Love Shack Live playlist.

Love Shack Live playlist. You think I'd know that by now?

Oh, but you're not the detail person. That's okay.

All right. We're sending you a ton of love and affirmation that what you want and what you deserve is absolutely possible in the realm of love and relationships.

Better Love Club. Join us, for heck's sakes. You can come in for two weeks and try it out for free. For free?

Yeah. And we're here to support you and cheer you on the whole entire time. So go check it out. You can click the link in the. In the show notes. You can also click the link to build that fort, you know, don't be boohooing that on me. Come on, now. You deserve to have a little fun.

Build one and click us on social.

Media or Thomas Stacy Bartley, host of.

Love, along with our daughter, Brooke Bartley. Brooke Brown. Excuse me, Brooke Brown. And we'll see you next week.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.