#106: The Better Love Club: An Affordable Alternative to Traditional Counseling

Totally normal to have emotional pain in your relationship that there's always going to be a part of any relationship that doesn't work for us, it's the doesn't work part that we don't know how to talk about. We just don't. And so we do the very loving, kind, sweet thing and we just don't say anything. We don't bring it up because we don't want to be the person who right. Creates the fight or right. Rocks the boat or creates yet this another cycle of breakdown in our relationships. And so we try and sit on it. And that's a very sweetheart thing do so that we can try and do our best at creating a better experience in our relationships. And at some point in time, we just lose that emotion, that emotional experience. Like I can only hold it for so long.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hello. Welcome to the Love Shack. This is a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and ease, drop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter in our relationships. And we're going to have a little fun along the way.

We are your hosts, Tom and Stacy Bartley. If you're not aware of the who the heck we are. Great to have you with us. And today's a special episode.

It is. We got some very exciting news that we're here to publicly share. We've kept the lid on this for quite, quite some time now as we've been working behind the scenes to create something incredible for you. And today we're going to also announce this with a little help from our wonderful daughter, slash assistant, slash customer support, slash graphic designer, slash. You know, I could go on and on and on.

Video producer, podcast producer, and Today podcast interviewer.

She's going to interview us because I bet you have some questions about what this thing is that we're going to talk about. We call it the Better Love Club. And it is something that we have been literally designing for a minimum of five years. I would say it's been something that we've known our clients needed. It was just a matter of how do we put it together, how do we facilitate it, how do we create an incredible experience out of this as well as make it incredibly affordable for anybody who needs help in this department. We want it to be accessible by anyone who has the commitment to come in, learn and grow. So without further ado, we're going to pass this over to Brooke and she is going to interview us so that we can tell you all about this incredible better Love Club that we have created just for you.

Hi, everybody. Yes. So I'm sure our longtime listeners ears are tingling. Like, what the heck are they talking about? So the first, I think first we're going to frame this episode into, you know, give a little bit of the bigger picture first. So the first question I have for you is, what do you guys think is the biggest challenge people face when it comes to fixing their relationships?

Bar none, it would be moving out of the past and embracing the ability to implement new things into their relationship. We have this tendency to believe that it's not possible, that my person that I'm with is not capable. We've spent probably a long time before accessing help of going through a very similar relationship pattern again and again and again and again. And so, number one, believing it's possible, and number two, the practice so that you can implement it into your relationship is where I find our clients really struggle. For sure.

I'm actually going to take credit. I came up with the name. This goes into my next question of the Better Love Club. Because you guys always say, I've noticed you say this a lot. You insert it into a lot of episodes. We've got to get better at this thing called love. And that's the whole idea behind the Better Love Club. So what inspired you, outside of that saying, to start the Better Love Club?

I would say because we see so much suffering that happens to us as human beings in, in the department and conversation of relationships. And I think the thing that breaks my heart is not only have I been there personally struggling to get better at love and relationships and not knowing how and finding it very, very difficult to access the information that I need, but I also feel like nobody else knows where to go either. Like, if I wanted to get better and study love and acquire some skills, where would you go? And this kind of also takes a step into the direction of what we have to get better at love. Because if we don't, the things that we, that, that we stumble on, the things that we wrestle with, the suffering that happens in relationships is going to continue. Because love and relationships require the study and the practice and the implementation of skills. Just like anything else you're going to become masterful at. And so we want to make that simple and easy and available for everybody. We can all get better at love. We really can.

Yeah. I would just stack onto that with such tremendous conviction and passion because it seems to be a big disconnect when it comes to love, that this is this mysterious. You know, maybe only a Few of the chosen ones can be successful and we would strongly disagree with that. So come in and give it an opportunity. It's a skill based journey and a commitment based journey to become better, a better version of ourself every day. Just like it is in other significant areas of our life. That this is well understood. So we want to, as a family and a body of work, we're doing everything we can to provide education and teaching that look, this doesn't have to be so mysterious and so painful and so much suffering and something that most of us, I would say the greater percentage of us want to have a special someone or special someones in our life.

Well, and it has such impact on our lives and every other arena. And so when it's not working so.

Great, most things aren't working.

We wait. We. Well, and we make up a lot of terrible stories about ourselves, about our partners, about love and relationships. And we can even take it so far as to go, all men, all women, et cetera, fill in the blank. And it's just not true. The, the reality is we all can have an incredible, what I call toe tangling relationship. Like it's available to us all. The difference maker for us is those who really understand the skills, whether they stumble across them or they were taught to them from their family of origin, or they, they grew themselves in unbelievable ways just simply by tripping over it. They know how to show up and become masterful at navigating the inevitable ups and downs that are going to happen in our relationships. Or we can just intentionally roll up our sleeves and come into the better love club and study it and get good at it, and practice it and implement it and have support and have a little bit of the way, one way or another to get good at relationships, we got to study it and learn it and practice it. Just like anything else. You're masterful at in your relationships, right? So it is for everyone. It's available to everyone. But we've got to seek it out.

You are called. We've created a title for you. You're an integrative couples specialist. We make it very clear that you're not a therapist. We're not claiming to be. We're different. We're setting ourselves apart from the couples therapy. We provide a different solution to people who are coming to us. So what would you guys say are the main differences between couples counseling and what our team provides?

Well, the first thing I think we just highlighted is that there's a lot of teaching that goes on here. There's A lot of educational components, and then there's the implementation of skills that we're going to encourage you to practice, which is why we've stacked the Better Love Club with incredible support. We, as human beings are going to mess things up, Especially when we're learning new things for the first time. We know that's going to happen. And so because that is going to happen, we want you to practice, and we don't want you to just be between sessions, which is a very classic therapeutic counseling model where we do weekly sessions, we come in, we talk about our problems for 55 minutes, and then I, I put you back out into your life. And sometimes there's not often the clarity that's needed. Okay, what are we doing again to get better at this? What are we supposed to practice? Where is the support? So a huge piece that makes us very different from traditional counseling and therapy is that you're going to be able to ask your questions and you're also going to get support between sessions. Like, we want you to practice, we want you to get better at this, and we know that if you don't have the support you need to mess it up. You're not going to try, you're not going to work at it, you're not going to implement some of the things that we're teaching you as far as skills go. So. So our, our Better Love Club is stacked with a tremendous amount of support in that if you are doing a skill that we've taught you and you're practicing at home and all hell breaks loose and you don't know what to do, instead you've got a resource of reaching back to us and saying, okay, here's what I did. I tried this, I practiced this. And. And it didn't go so well. So what do I do now? And there's somebody there to support you with that. It's not about just the between parts of sessions. It's about getting the support you need to implement what it is you'. Learning. That's a key, key component to getting better at love. We got to have a safe place to practice, and we've got to be able to risk messing it up and not getting it right until we master the skill. And if that's going to be the case, then I've got to have the support to know what to do when it does right. Not work out.

I'll give you a really good analogy. So Stacy and I go to CrossFit. So it would be like us doing CrossFit, and there wouldn't Be any instructor there to help us understand where we're not doing the particular workout or a particular part of the lifting in the correct way. So our. Our instructor, our owner, Cinema, she's there, right there watching us. And then say, no, here's how I would like you to do it instead. So it's real time. The problem is when you, you know, have a session, you know, and then you come back, you're not gonna. There's not gonna be any kind of a recall. There's not enough ability to reset and recalibrate, you know, in real time or quickly thereafter to help us understand. So if you're not reaching out to us, we know you're not practicing.

Well, another. Another thing is when you go to your weekly sessions in the more traditional model with a counselor, then you go back out into the real world, and you start trying to do all the things that they told you to. Or sometimes they don't tell you to do anything. They just tell you to live your life and then report back.

You've talked about your. You have talked about your feelings.

You have to. So then you talk about your feelings, and you're like, okay, well, then you have that feeling inside of you like, oh, I forgot to say this. Oh, my God. I didn't even ask this question. And then when you go back to your next session, you feel like you had to have meticulously kept all these records of all the things that went wrong in your relationship and try to quickly get them all in as fast as you can so you use up your 50 minutes correctly. And then what if you forget again? You have to wait a whole nother week. So our model is trying to stop that from happening. So first of all, you can remove the stress of not remembering a certain thing you want to talk about. You don't have to chronically track all of your relationship problems so that you have a list of things to ask. You can ask them when they come up. And you don't have to feel stressed about it. You can just put a comment in the Better Love Club, and then we'll get back to you. It removes all of that unnecessary stress.

Well, and I'm glad you pinpointed this. We don't just talk about problems over here. It's not about bringing your problems through the door. And then we maybe do a referee. And a lot of sessions can be like that. Ooh, like, score one point for Dave. And Dave, Sally just made a really great point, right? Where. Where as the person that's supposed to be helping you get better at this thing we call love, become the referee. And that's not going to help us improve our skills and ability either. There has to be some very tactile things are uncovered. And it's not about just bringing your problems through the door. It's literally about learning and practice and implementing and the thing that makes better Love Club so exciting for me. And the facilitation part is I know that being able to practice is the hardest part. Like, we don't want to risk, you know, sacrificing our relationships anymore after we've come in to get help. So talking about our problems, we know, doesn't necessarily take us to the promised land. Practicing new skills will. But I've got to give you the support and the safety to practice them or you're not going to. You're just going to continue the pattern right until the thing that we're trying to avoid is happening. And we don't want to. We don't want to steer you down that road. Right. So those are the things that I would say really make us anything else anybody can think of.

Another one of the main things that we like to say to set ourselves apart that actually sometimes trigger potential clients is that we don't focus on the past in our work. We focus on the future and how we can change going forward. But a lot of people sometimes are like, oh, no, I need to focus on the past. I have to say this one thing that my partner did wrong or else we're not going to move on. So what do you say to that?

Well, that would be a process that we call in our body of work digesting down what has happened so that you can let it go. Go. If you have something that you just urgently need to say or put in the space that's essentially telling me that I need to say this so that I can let it go and move on. And those are things that we will take care of. But it's not the highlight and the focus. The focus is not the problems. We know that as we help you focus on the future and move forward, that the things that need to be digested down, talked about and let go are going to come up. And if we find that you have a sticking point there, then absolutely we're going to let you digest that down, work through it so that you can move forward. We can trust and know that as we move forward, anything that's holding us back from our past is going to show up. And that's just human of us. So I find it's Much better to inspire us to create the hope and the drive and the motivation to learn and grow and move forward happens by looking at a beautiful vision going forward and not thinking, oh gosh, we got to dig up the past. And not only do we have to dig up the past in our relationship, we got to dig up the past from our childhood, you know, from our families of origin and that somehow that's going to take me forward. And all that does is it runs us out of gas because there's not that hope and that inspiration about why we're doing it and about the reminders that I do care and that it is possible to go where it is we want to go. A lot of couples say this and I think this really brings it home. We don't talk about our future anymore. All we're talking about is the day to day logistics of life. And we don't realize how important having that future vision or talking about our future is to keeping us hard, full of hope and inspiration to do the work that is required in relationships. Like we want to have a compelling future, we all do and we, we forget about how important that is. So that's why looking at the past and only looking at the past isn't going to help us in the journey. We need that compelling motivation and desire and drive to remember that. Oh, that's why I'm going to do an emotional push ups because I know we can create this on our future future.

Some of the reasons why people get tired of couples counseling or one partner is excited to go and the other partner is like, no way, I can't do this anymore is because that is what they picture. They picture going and digging up all of the freaking terrible things they've buried in the past. And it's like, okay, I guess we're going in for another one hour excavation of all the shitty things we've done to each other. Like, why would you want to do that?

That, that sounds, I, I, I talk often to people that, you know, schedule a clarity call with me and when we get into what they've tried in the past and such, there'll be similar, you know, comments like that. Like, gosh, Tom, I leave that session like I've gotten my, my fanny like kicked. He says, you know, I mean he or she will say, I don't, why would I pay for that? I can do that on my own. And you're exactly right. So it's, it's a very non energy producing experience and that's why there's so much resistance either you personally or we've all heard a story and someone close to us, Sally, went to that person and it was awful, you know. And so again, this is what we are imploring for you to understand. It does not have to be like that. And oftentimes we hear Stacy hears. Gosh, that was like. That was really refreshing. That was really helpful. That was really. Actually, I had some fun. I didn't know this type of a process could be fun. Is that not true?

Absolutely. And I just want to say this. This is also why our partners get into resistance, or even ourselves. We might find ourselves in resistance at getting better love. It's because we human beings have an uncanny way of tracking some of the things or places where we continue to struggle and fall down. So nobody knows what's going on, you know, and how I'm showing up in my relationship currently better than I do. You know, we all have this ability as a human being to do a little self analysis, sometimes to the extreme of kicking our own fannies really, really well. And so I know that I'm doing some things that I probably, probably shouldn't be doing. And the last thing I want when I'm. I'm doing a really great job of kicking my own fanny about that is to have somebody else call me out on the couch and then kick my fanny some more. And then, you know, my partner gangs up on me too. And now I'm. I know. It's kind of like this defensive motive. I know, I know I suck at communication. I know. I. I don't talk about my feelings so well. I know, I know. I got it. What else have you got for me? Don't bang on me anymore about it. Believe me, I'm kicking my ass enough for the whole room. And I think that very much has become a mindset and a paradigm that we think we have to subject ourselves to in order to move forward in our relationships. And I'm going to tell you that is not at all the case. Doesn't help us. It doesn't. We can't bang on ourselves or our partners enough to inspire and motivate forward movement and transformation. It doesn't work, work like that. We just shut down more and more and more and become more, more resistant to getting the help that we need and getting the support that we need and implementing some of those things that you're learning. Right. Otherwise we just, we're just going to throw our arms up and give up.

In one of our latest tiktoks we posted about how to help an avoidant partner talk to you more. And I would say the same thing is true there. If you take an avoidant part, attachment style partner, if you drag them to therapy or counseling and then you beat them up about how they never talk to you or about how they avoid all conversations, they're going to be sitting there saying, I know. And they're also going to be sitting there saying, I'm never going to talk to you again because it's just banging them into a hole deeper and deeper and deeper. And that's their, that's their attachment style. So you, like, you can't be someone up about how they are. You can only meet them where they are and ask them to join you. So. But a lot of people don't know that. And you know, and also I would like to point out we're not saying counseling is bad. We're not saying therapy is bad. It works for many people. We're saying if it hasn't worked for you, there are other options out there. But also it's not bad.

So.

And I would also say we have. I would totally agree.

Brooke.

Thank you for bringing that. And we have many clients that work with us alongside some type of other professional, so. Exactly. This is an important distinction. We are not. But if you're looking for potentially a powerful add on or maybe a different experience of what you've not had, or perhaps you're, you're not under a health, you know, plan of some kind, insurance, you know, health insurance or whatever, and something is out of reach. These are all things. And we see so much, again, suffering out there around this. And this is what, as a family, that it breaks our heart. And so we're going to do everything we can to get you through that pain and suffering as fast as possible and get into more. Okay, I can see now there's a new inspiration and clarity of where we're going forward.

Okay, the next question is a two prong question number one, how many individuals and couples have you helped and supported? And then the second question is, can you share a few examples of how the teachings that we've now put into the Better Love Club have helped, helped the couples that we've worked with save their relationships?

Love that. So I am, I am so grateful and honored to say that we have had the privilege and opportunity of helping more than 545 people get better at love over the last 10 years. It's probably been a decade. I started this project or work in 1996 and there's been some twists and turns for me. But we've been pursuing this. This concept of teaching and supporting relationships solely since 2013. And in that 2013 period of time, those are the 545 people that we've been able to help and support, which is incredible work.

All of the teachings that we've put into the Better Love Club, there's a ton of resources, videos, trainings, you know, a ton. But all of those are based on Stacy. I call her Mom 2. She's my stepmom. All of Mom 2's work with these individuals that we're talking about. So we've taken all. She's taken all of that time that she's worked with the 545 people and created videos and worksheets and resources based on saving people's relationships. So can you please share a few examples of how the teachings that you've put into the Better Love Club have helped couples save their relationships?

There's so many. Let me just think about the first ones that come to mind. Rich and Janet are obviously going to be high on the. On the success story part. They were literally in the process of getting a divorce, and Janet's counselor kept suggesting to her strongly that she leave this person because he was a narcissist. There was nothing there for her. She needed to step out of denial. She needed to get on with her life. And that the longer she put this off, you know, the more sick and depressed, etcetera, she was going to become herself. And the thing that Janet felt in her heart and her knowing was that she really wasn't ready to let go of this. And so she kind of threw her arms in the air and reached out to us as a final Hail Mary. You know, this will be my last one and only shot at trying to save my relationship. And through going through the teaches and frameworks that we provide our clients, she was able to not only not get a divorce, but in fact, she just sent us an email here literally yesterday and celebrated. It's been three years since we worked with you guys, and I just want you to know we're still doing great. Can't thank you enough for these frameworks and these teachings that you've. You've improved our lives and our relationships with. And the key point here is her husband Rich was not a narcissist. Actually. He was a person who didn't know how to show up and was frightened about sharing his emotions with his wife, Janet. And by doing the safety part, by practicing the skills, he was able to show up, and he was able to get emotionally invested and connected to his wife, which is what he had wanted all along. He just didn't know how to do it. I think that's one of my favorites.

When they worked with us, we had some group coaching calls, and it was so cool for me and dad to be on those calls with them too, because we literally were able to watch Rich blossom. That was what I wanted to say. Like, he became someone who shared so much with the group during those calls that he did not start out that way. So it was really cool because you work with them privately, too, so we aren't able to see that transformation. But in the group, it was so neat to see exactly what you're describing. To see him become so much more comfortable saying very deep and emotional things in front of all of us. It was really special.

Well, and isn't that ironic? He is a very deep person, and often those things go hand in hand. It's kind of like the deeper and. And the more I feel, right. And the more I stop myself, the more, shall we say, narcissistic behaviors I have. It's not that I don't love or that I don't feel or that I don't want to go there. I just don't know how to get myself safe enough to go there. And as you understood his past, that all made a tremendous amount of sense, right? He. He was literally chastised as a young person for having such deep feelings and a lot of emotion, especially as a male. And so he had learned to repress all of those things. And so they would eke out in crazy sorts of ways. And that was a beautiful thing to just watch him unfold and support and inspire the group and, of course, be able to emotionally connect and bond with his wife, which she always kind of knew it was there. And I think that was the piece that didn't allow her to finally just do the divorce and walk on and abide by her counselor's suggestions. It's a beautiful story. It's one of my favorites. Marnie and Patrick, another beautiful couple who were putting together a second round, and they had children from their previous relationships, and they were stepping into the concept of step parenting. And Marnie first came in to see me before I saw Patrick. She came in solo, which very often happens in her work. And. And she went on and on and on about all the terrible things that Patrick was doing in this relationship. And see, this is why I gotta move on. And. And this is why it's never gonna work. And, you know, if Patrick could Just do these things, then we would have a great relationship. And I just don't think it's possible. And I just don't think he's capable. And I said, okay, I mean, I hear what you're saying, but let's, let's do a little work and exploration and learning of some skills that you can implement in your life. If nothing else, you're going to learn how to do this loving release in a good way. So let's get to work. And as she started to do the work and explore her. Her relationship, she came to this conclusion one day in our session where she goes, oh, oh my gosh, it's not Patrick, it's me. And I went, oh, that's so beautiful. That's so beautiful for you to see. And then we brought Patrick into the conversation and the two of them were able to repair their relationship too. It wasn't just her, but she definitely could see her significant role in that. And as her and Patrick, you know, started working together, there was a whole new chapter in a whole new world in their relationship that opened up for them, for their future, which is another beautiful story. I have a really fun picture of them emblazed in my mind where they're kind of doing this thumbs up thing on my couch with their little lease option contract together. Like, we did it. We made was a moment where, gosh, I wish that there would. An appropriate trophy that we could kind of like pass over for all their accomplishments. It was, it was incredible to see. And there's, there's so many. There's. There's. That's the beautiful thing that I love about our work, babe, is, gosh, we get to see and journey with incredible human beings. And I get emotional about thinking about it because I am so honored and privileged and grateful to do this work. Like, it is the coolest thing on the whole planet. When you see people transform before their eyes, before your eyes, right? And people always say, oh, I couldn't have done it without you. And I went, I'll teach you. But you implemented the work, you know, so hats off always to the person who's willing to roll up their sleeves and implement the teachings and support and take advantage of all of that, because that's no small thing.

A lot of people think that we should just know how to do relationships. How many times do we hear that, guys?

Oh, man.

And if we are having trouble, that means we were failing or that we're broken. Why do you think it's important for people to invest in their relationships?

Well, the the obvious answer for me is because it affects every single area of your life. And if we're struggling in our relationships, whether that's with myself or others, it's going to affect your day to day life. I had a conversation with a psychiatrist that we are privileged and honored to teach workshops for. He refers many of his clients from the relational component to us on a very consistent basis. And I remember saying, Dr. Binas, how many mental health challenges are related to our relationships? And he said, a hundred percent. And for me, that made all the sense in the world. Because what ails us, what creates our suffering inside of ourselves as human beings, is either I don't have a good relationship with me, and if I don't have a good relationship with me, I can't have a good relationship with others. And yet it is this feeling of belonging, of feeling connection, of feeling united in our lives, whether that's a community or a lover or a family or a friend, that creates this feeling of breakdown. And when I don't have that, it creates a tremendous amount of mental health, depression, anxiety, etc, and we, we've got to stop just stepping over that and recognize and realize that relationships are at the heart of being a human being. And we know that scientifically, anthropology, we know as we study and look back. So relationships is the, the gateway to an incredible life. Like life is about relationships. And so that's why it's important to roll up your sleeves and get good at this.

And are, are we born knowing how to do relationships? And if, and if we need help, does that mean we're broken or there's something wrong with us?

You were just going right where I was going to say. So let's just look at that, that interesting story that seems to be so prevalent. So we're all just born to be, you know, great lovers. So like, I would say, like. Well, based on, based on what? So most of us go from what was modeled to us. And sadly, many of the times, I'm not saying every time, but many of the times that's not such a great mentoring process.

Meaning that our, our parents didn't have the best marriage or who, whoever, our grown ups, whoever raised us.

Yes.

Did not have.

Yes.

It's not, it's not the best for us to model our love story after that, is what you're saying.

Yeah, I, I truly believe we're all doing the best we can with, with what the tools that we've been given and what we've practiced. But, but again, because there is this such significant disconnect in this area of our life, but yet at the end of our lives, we read the stories of regret that we read. And most of the regret is around relationships. So if that's the case, then to me that's just a confirmation that no, that is a huge fairy tale. You know, we meet the special summon and we have this special day. And how does the fairy tale go? Everyone that I asked that on these calls, by the way, they can always answer the rest. And they live how happily ever after? We all know that. How do we know that? So because that's the fairy tale we've all bought into. And we love a great story and we know that great love is possible, but not without what's required. And so no, there is no, absolutely no failure. I would, I always remind people, look, if LeBron James has a coach, if he has a mentor, he has people that still he surrounds himself to keep his body good, to keep his nutrition good. I mean, this is a man that maybe arguably be one of the best, best NBA players maybe, or, but you get my point. So the best people at their craft have people around them that bring out the best in them. So there's nothing that one should be ashamed of or embarrassed or whatever. If you need to step in and get some people that are more expert than you at where you want to go, so find someone that has what you have.

In my pat, I, I am married and divorced. So in, in my last marriage, I'm engaged now. That's why I said last marriage when my ex husband suggested that we would go talk to someone and get help. It deeply offended me. And I know that's an experience for a lot of people. Even though on the back of your head you know that something is wrong, it's like admitting it and saying, okay, let's go talk to someone. Seems like a huge moral failure. I would compare it to me accepting the fact that I had clinical anxiety and then I needed to go on Lexapro. That also felt like a huge failure. Even though it's, it's saved my life in a lot of ways now after taking it for four years. But I know so many people feel that way that either they have to admit it to themselves or their partner is coming to them and saying we need to get help. That, that feels like the beginning of the end to a lot of people. People, you know, like, if we go into this lady's office, we're going to be talking about getting a divorce or she's going to say that we need to get a Divorce or all of these things. I know people think them. So what are some things you could say to. To people who are feeling that way to dismiss that thought and make it okay, you know?

Yeah. I first of all want to say it's totally normal to have emotional pain in your relationship. That there's always going to be a part of any relationship that doesn't work for. It's the doesn't work part that we don't know how to talk about. We just don't. And so we do the very loving, kind, sweet thing and we just don't say anything. We don't bring it up because we don't want to be the person who, right. Creates the fight or right. Rocks the boat or creates yet this, another cycle of breakdown in our relationships. And so we try and sit on it. And that's a very sweetheart thing we do so that we can try and do our best at creating a better experience in our relationships. And at some point in time, we just lose that emotion, that emotional experience, like, I can only hold it for so long. And I think to help us make sense of how normal this really is, is I want you to think about the idea that you hold around physical pain. Would you really believe that you're going to live for the next 60 or 70 or 80 years and that your physical body is never going to experience pain again? Whether that be a headache, a stomachache, a cutting of your finger while you're cooking dinner, a tripping and rolling your ankle, a falling down and skinning your knee, or a shutting your finger in the door. Right. Or accidentally biting the side of your cheek. Like, that is something that we accept and that we feel is a normal, natural part of life. And I want you to know that emotional pain is just like that. We are not. They're broken if we feel emotional pain. We are not doing it wrong if we are feeling emotional pain. Because pain is simply a signal that says he, hey, I need your attention right now. There are some things that are not working for you. Let's address them. And if we were to pay attention to the emotional pain sooner rather than later, we could find the remedy and move through it as opposed to just try and hold it and keep it from coming up again and then getting defensive about it and then trying to shut it down. And then when somebody points it out to us, we get all upset and angry and it's kind of like, yeah, I know, I know, I'm twisted and broken, whatever. You know, it's this idea of, no, that's that's normal. I can't even have a relationship with my dog and not have things about him that doesn't work. You know, there are days where I just go, ah. As much as I love that guy, he can drive me crazy sometimes. And that's normal for us as human beings. So normal. And I think the difference maker is we've just not ever normalized the conversation around it, that it is okay to have things that don't work work for you in a relationship. And then emotional pain is part of the deal. That's human of us. I want you to imagine sitting in an airplane and all of a sudden you realize it's crashing. Okay, you're doing a nose dive, right? And everybody knows it's only a matter of time. If we do nothing, that that airplane is going to hit the ground and it's going to explode into a gazillion pieces and then get engulfed in flames dreams. And yet, because we don't know what to do and because we're afraid to do anything, we say, we stay seated in our seats with our extra seat belt on, breathing the oxygen and the mask and crossing our fingers and just hoping that this is going to go well. I would propose to you that doing anything, right, finding a parachute, you know, punching the door out, doing a great leap of faith would be way better than just sitting there thinking that you're safe for the moment and wait for the inevitable. Let, like, do something different. And that's where we tend to go, is just keep ourselves safe. Don't. Don't rock the boat. We all know that there's a slow burn here and that we don't know what to do. So we're just going to sit here and hope and wait for the inevitable. So I would suggest to you that that's what's going to create the crash. And the burn is not getting the help, not addressing the pain.

I compare it.

Not getting the support you need.

I would compare it. I. For anyone listening out there. I'm sure some people can relate. I have terrible health anxiety. So what you just described is what I do almost on a daily basis where if I have a little ache or pain that the doctor could probably help me with, you know what I mean? Instead of going and making an appointment, I will sit and theorize all the terrible things that could be wrong with me when if I just went and got help, I could make the pain go away and nothing would be wrong with me. But instead I theorize all the terrible things that are probably wrong and do Nothing. It's the same thing we do with our relationships. We think all the terrible things that will happen if we go get help when the truth is it will make it better.

Well, and especially we. Like you said, Brooke, you have no ability, or I would say the greater percentage of us don't have the ability to be objective when we're doing this self analysis, like you say, it is so slanted. So the beautiful thing about a good, A good facilitator, a good, you know, mentor, teacher, coach, therapist, they can remain objective. Now that's. That doesn't always happen. But if you can be in the presence of. Of good people that can help you through their objectivity and not taking sides, then you're going to realize, oh my gosh, this, you know, it's not going to be nearly what you are conjuring up.

And I can guarantee you, if you join the better love club, we will not tell you that you're terrible and we will not tell you to get a divorce upon entry.

Yes, well said.

Well, and I would also like to just point out, as we kind of move on to the next question, is that being scared and not knowing what to do causes that aspect of us just like, nobody move, nobody do anything. We don't know what to do. So don't do anything for fear that something will then just make it worse instead of recognizing that doing anything is your gateway to making it better. Better to do something different than to sit and just do nothing, be paralyzed. That's a survival skill, but it doesn't solve problems, right? It's like freeze part. It's like that freeze part or the.

Fight part, and it wastes years of your life.

Yes.

Sadly, most people wait on average of six years from the time they know they need help before they actually get it. And that's just too long, right? So the wills are totally coming off and the whole relationship is up in flames and then they're going, hey, wait, we don't want this to end. We need help. And I'm. I'm thinking, gosh, if you could have come six years earlier, right? Not that we can't help you now, but think about what could have done, what could have been avoided. Pain wise, right? Destruction wise, belief wise. About yourself and about your partner. We demonize our partners. And this is why I don't like labels. Labels are a nemesis. Because you don't become my lover anymore. You're a label now that I slap on you. Which makes it easier for me to now not show up, not be kind, not Be respectful.

Also kind of to disassociate from their relationship and see it as a thing rather than something that you're in and something that matters to you. Exactly. Okay, next question. Being part of the. Being part of community seems weird, especially when we traditionally think that our relationships are private and we shouldn't talk about them to anybody else. So why do you guys think it's important to have a supportive community around you when it comes to relationships?

I love this question. The first part is to do exactly what we just talked about a bit ago is destigmatize this idea that when we have emotional pain, that's not normal. That somehow I have to kind of address this in secret. What if we were to pass around our remedies and cheer on people and support people like we pass around cold remedies or flu or all coming to the aid of all the many things that were magically happening and unfolding during our time of COVID Think about how we rallied as a species to help, sure, everybody up and to make sure that everybody had what they need. That is totally possible in our emotional experiences as well. If we can just stigmatize this idea that if I'm feeling emotional pain and there's something wrong with me or there's something wrong with my person, that has to go. And I don't know how else to help you over that hump than to help you get into a community where you feel like you do belong and that these conversations become normal. It becomes normal to have challenges and struggles. Right. There's inevitable ups and downs in every single relationship, just like there is in life. We also have a place where we can practice and we can learn together so that you can practice with other people without having to actually only practice with your partner. You can get better at it before it actually counts in the conversation. What a great thing.

And if we study history and study the power of story, that's the power of story, meaning when we get into a group and we hear other stories, whether they say there's always a piece of everyone's story in our story and vice versa. If we can we get around you know, these groups, you know, when people are navigating similar, you know, situations that we're. I mean, that's been my experience whenever I've done that, you know, you do a powerful retreat or a mastermind. You know, you're in groups of people where there's this sacred space and there's power in that, because you're realizing, oh, my gosh, I'm not the only one that is going through what I thought that was I was going through. And in the relationship space. I've shared this on other episodes. My own brothers are two of my. They are my two best friends. Didn't even know the amount of pain I was navigating in my first marriage because I kept it so close to the cuff.

Well, and I want to bring in a little piece of science and evolution, evolutionary science, if I may. A lot of us don't understand as hobo homo sapiens, that the reason why we evolved, evolved forward and the Neanderthals didn't, even though they were stronger and smarter, was our ability to put our differences down and cooperate with each other. Like, that is our superpower as a human being. And we don't take advantage and leverage that superpower often enough. And I want you to think about things like 9, 11 or natural disasters or even getting through Covid, where it doesn't matter where we stand or what our beliefs or differences are, that we see support and we cheer each other on as a. As a human species. And we do seem to do our best work and rise together when the going gets tough. Which then makes me think of one of the most beautiful proverbs from Africa that I've ever heard. It's an African proverb that says, if you want to go fast, go alone, but if you want to go far, go together. And that's just how we are as human beings. And so a community is the difference maker, where we can come in, we can cheer each other on, we can share our stories, we can practice, we can support, and we can create a sense and a feeling that we're not alone and we can have a little fun along the way. Like, that is a game changer.

You guys keep mentioning the word practice. And I think people who are listening are probably like, what the heck are these crazy people talking about? Practice. But I want to propose, like, just for a minute, think about how valuable this would be to you when you're going through a hard time in your relationship. And you. We all do this. We send our friend a text and we're like, read this for me. How does it sound? What if I say it like this? You know, we all do that or we say it in person. And the people we're asking are not relationship experts. They're just people. And they are on your side because they love you and, you know, they support you. So they're always going to say, oh, that sounds great. But the truth is they don't know how to communicate relationships. They don't know, you know, the attachment styles. They don't know the nuances. They don't know any of these things. So. And a very useful idea of practice to me would be because, Mom 2, you keep saying you don't have to blow it up in your real life. So, so why don't you post in the group? What if I said it like this? That is practice. That is practicing your skills before you actually do it in real life. And you're getting an answer from a relationship expert and her family who will say, yes, that's good, or no, that's not good. You know, like, that's a genius way that you could use this membership and that would prevent a lot of fights and is also practicing your skills by putting them to use. Use in what you're going to say. But if you get it wrong, we'll tell you.

Yeah, I love that. And that's putting it into real life practice. The other piece that I find we really struggle with as human beings is being able to take our learning and implement it. It's like you can understand a concept in your head, but then to articulate it through words is really, really difficult. So if I were to just say, say, what do you want? What's a remedy? What are you, what are you fighting for? And a lot of us would go, I don't even have a filing cabinet for that. I, I, I only know what the problems are. I only know. And I've been banging on and focusing on what the problems are, and I'm making up some stories about who's responsible, et cetera. Well, okay, that's practice. Getting to a place where you can look and identify what's going on for you and what a remedy is that would work for you. That's a practice. And then another practice is being able to articulate that, to actually show up in your relationship and say what you need to be say, to say what you need to say in a way it can be heard. That's a practice. And I guarantee you when you start this, you fumble over the words. You can't get it right. You know, you, you launch into, this is all your fault. This is. And there's a lot of blame that comes out. There's a lot of manipulation that comes out. Just because that's what we know, not because we're not not wanting good things. It's just, it's, that's the stuff we practice and we don't realize we're practicing it, so we do it automatically.

So Let me ask you, how many times have you, have you been asked? Say that again, Stacy. How did you just say what you just said? Can you say that again for me?

Well, and, and I'll tell them, but it's more important to then practice them saying the words. Just take what I just said and put it into a language that's yours. Right, right. Put it into your own words and say the same thing.

So not only can you put it in like Brooke said, you could ask a. In our community, you know, you know, through a question, but you'll also be able to practice it. So we're gonna, you know, in, in one of our two times. We're going to be meeting every week on maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Sorry.

I'll.

I'll make this quick. Is you're going to be able to break out in the small group sessions and practice saying the actual words in an order. Then we're going to come back and say, now, wait a minute. How about if you just inverted the words this way? These are not complicated words either. It's simply the sequence of which you share them can have dramatic psycho effects.

Well, and doing the introspection and the exploration about what's going on inside of you so that you can bring those things to the table in a better way. You know, asking for what we want is you is a skill. It's a practice because most of us just ask for what we think we can get away with. Right. And so we're always disappointed. We're always left wanting because we're really not asking for what it is we really desire. Just the part that we feel like we can get or that we're in, you know, we deserve. And those are, those are all skills that we are absolutely going to practice in the emotional weightlifting.

Jim, we're now we're moving into the rapid fire question. Good.

Key, two words there. Rapid fire.

First, I'm going to give a short overview of what you get if you join. Okay. Okay. When you join the Better Love Club for the Essential membership, which is where most of our members will be, what you get is access. Access to an incredible amount of video trainings, PDFs, resources, FAQs, you know, all the learnings about love you could ever want. How to Build a Lease Option, Contract for Love, our relationship rescue course, plus many, many, many, many more hours of teachings. You also get a group coaching call on Monday nights where we will either be teaching you a skill or we will be answering your questions. And then every Thursday night, we have An Emotional Weightlifting gym session. Which mom too. What is the Emotional Weightlifting Gym?

It's a place where we get to come in and practice what we're learning and we get to have a workout and we're going to pair up and we're going to basically say, okay, this is what we're practicing tonight. Here's your person. It's not going to be your partner. It's going to be somebody else who's part of the community. Let's practice that.

And that will that be changing every week? Well, we won't be practicing the same thing every week.

No. There's lots of skills we need to get good at. Right. So you're going to do the learning through the videos, the worksheets, the PDFs, et cetera, the audios. And then you're going to come in and we're going to practice what it is you're learning with your community. And then you're going to be set up and in a perfect position. We're now doing it in your real life relationship is not going to be so scary. You're going to know exactly what to do. You've tried it on, you've worked out the kinks. You know, you've gotten somewhat comfortable with understanding why you're going to do it like this and how to do it like this. It's a game changer.

And then additionally you get the ability to ask us questions anytime through the forums and if you don't want to ask it publicly, you can always send us a DM and ask it privately. So, so all of that information, you get all of that rapid fire. Do you have any religious, race, gender or relationship biases?

No, none. Our frameworks are all very neutral based. We are going to do our part in honoring whatever your religion, race or sexual preference is. Because these frameworks and the teachings here are not based on any of that. They're based on humans ability of of creating relationships.

Bottom line, everyone is welcome.

Bottom line is everyone is welcome.

Do you guarantee that you can save my relationship?

Good question.

If we only could. If anybody promises you that they can guarantee some kind of an outcome in your relationship, I'm going to encourage you to run because that is an incredible sales tactic and it's also a lie. There is nobody, including yourself and your partner, that knows how this is going to play out. As everybo does their part to get all in and show up in the relationship. That would be like being able to predict other things in life like the stock market and where you're going to be in 10 years and how right. Your kids are going to grow up and who they're going to become. Like, that is crazy. And so it is true in our relationships as well. Like, we can only choose to get on the journey and do our part in taking us to the very best of our ability to wear it as we want to go.

So can we share what we do? Guarantee?

Yes.

We guarantee as a family, we're going to give you everything we have for you to show up as the very best version of yourself. That's what we're going to get.

Or we'll give you your money back.

Or we'll give you your money back.

Yeah. We are going to help you become better at love, period. How it's going to play out in your relationship, we have to figure that out as we go, not before we get started. It's a journey that we embark on together as it unfolds. Right. You'll have somebody there to hold your hand, cheer you on and support you every step of the way. That we can guarantee.

We need to be more rapid. Okay. If you're thinking that doesn't sound too rapid. This is what can you imagine my life? Rapid is. Is a little bit of a stretch for us. We apologize.

This is where we get to get practice and get better. Right. So we're right.

Next, Rapid question.

Is the better love club good for me if I am single?

The better love club is good regardless of what phase of the relationship you're in. Gosh. If you're a single person who knows that you want to get better at love before you step into a relationship again or you're a newly matched couple on match.com or tinder and you're saying, hey, I know we kind of blew it up last time and I really want to ensure that this goes goes well. Better Love club would be a great fit for either one of those or you're engaged to be married and you want to do everything you can on the front side to get good at love before you contemplate spending the rest of your lives together. Another great reason to get into the better love.

Remember, rapid.

That's it.

Wrap cut.

How long will it take to save my relationship?

As long as it takes. But you're going to know a lot more in 60 days. Days for sure. If you get all in, you're going to know a lot more and understand a lot more about how to navigate it and how to ensure that when you look back on however this goes, you feel really good about it in the first 60 days.

Do you help couples through infidelity?

Absolutely. That's a conversation that's happening more and more and more ironically. And just like Understanding Love, we need to understand infidelity. That's a huge conversation that's showing up regularly in our office.

And also we've helped many couples recover from infidelity. Will this help me if my partner doesn't want to join and can I save my relationship by myself?

Yes. The way you show up in a relationship affects the whole. You might get a little resistance on the front side by saying, hey, why are you doing that thing? You know, this isn't how you normally do that. Or, or, or I'm maybe even trying to light you up. Right. I know that if I push this particular button, you do X, Y and Z, which gives me the license to go, ha. See, it's not me. And when that doesn't happen anymore, it changes the entire experience of the relationship overall. And it only takes one. And so I would say absolutely, if. Don't wait, don't wait. Because if you wait for your partner to get on board, you may be waiting for a very long time. Meanwhile, the plane is crashing.

May I ask a quick question, though? How about if someone want. The partner wants to join?

After the next question.

Okay. You can tell Brooke and I are related.

Can my partner decide to join later and how does that work? I'll answer that question. Yes.

Okay. Yes. Thank you.

I can join later. And all you would have to do is email loveacybartley.com say, this is my membership. Please add my partner. And we'll add them for free. There's no extra.

Extra.

There's no extra charge.

One monthly membership includes two people, includes.

You, you and your partner.

Login so you can interact as yourself on the member form.

And you would also have the ability to ask a private question that your partner, you know. Yes, yes.

Which is important because sometimes we need to work a little thing out for ourselves first before we want to reveal it to our partners. Like that's normal. Yeah. So we want to give you the place on the outlet to do that.

Exactly. How do I know if it's too late for me and my spouse or partner?

You won't know. That is our little brains coming up with the horror picture and the worst case scenario in your life. And the reality is you won't know until you come in and see what's possible. And that often is the thought that stops us from raising our hand and getting the help that we so know we need.

Need.

Don't let that happen to you. You don't know what's possible until you step in and start exploring what is possible. And if we just leave it to our thinking, we're going to come up with a worst case scenario. We're really good at that as human beings.

Leads me to the next question very beautifully. Why do you think some people, I would say a lot of people are scared of communities like the Better Love Club.

They're afraid of being judged, they're afraid of being labeled, they're afraid of being different. They're afraid that they can't get it right. It's this thing that we have to keep in secret. And I think that's just a lot of family and societal programming that it's embarrassing to have emotional pain, that it's embarrassing to struggle with this thing. And gosh, if we're ever going to change the conversation on this, we have to be brave and bold and we have to show up and go, there's nothing wrong with me, there's nothing wrong with my partner. And where is it that I've gone to study about love and relationships and my whole life and yet I'm just supposed to be. To be good at it? Like, that's crazy. We have this tendency to take our relationships and put them in a container that is basically different than any other principle that we study in life. And I'm here to tell you it's the same. If you want to get good at something, we have to learn about it. We do. We have to submerse ourselves in it. Then we have to be willing to be messy at it for a period of time and then we become masterful at it.

Why is there so much permission, so much more permission around like getting help as a parent? You know, like, that's okay. That's okay to get help. To say you need help raising your child and that you're having some problems with your, you know, your parent child relationship. And it's totally okay to talk about that. Why is it, why would we be expected to be good wives or good husbands or good partners? But it's not okay to get help for those in the same way, you know, like we've never been a mom before we've become a mom and also we've never been a wife before we become a wife life. So why are those two things not equal? That's never made sense to me.

Yeah, and they are very much equal. You know, we step into relationship and we're just supposed to be good at them based on what you know, based on us doing our religious practices, based on what was modeled to us as, you know, kids growing up. And we're just supposed to be able to assimilate that and get better at it. I would just encourage you, if you have siblings, you know, like, look around, are all your siblings that grew up in the same house with you stepping into relationships differently? And I would propose to you, yes, they are, because as human beings, we're all taking a piece right from the experience that is very fundamentally wired to who I am. And if we don't have these conversations, then we're not going to get better at relationships. And it should be the same. Brooke, it absolutely is the same. That if we don't understand how relationships work and the skills that govern the well being and the longevity and the thriving of them, then we're going to reap the natural consequences of it. Just, you know, degrading.

I would like to remind people that for couples who are raising children in a home, it would be the biggest gift you could ever give them to work on your relationship with your partner so that you can create a more peaceful environment for them to grow up in and if they are already grown, to create a peaceful environment for them to come home to for the holidays and all of the things. And it doesn't matter how old you are, you always want your parents to, to be good examples to you. And having a, having a productive, healthy relationship would be, I would say, the biggest gift that you could leave as your legacy.

Well, and I would say the relationship between parents and children never ends. Right. And how wonderful that as you're learning and growing and getting better at relationships, this will absolutely transfer over to your kids, whether they're old and have older and have children of their own or not. There'll be things that you can learn and uncover because you're able to have those conversations about what didn't work and how it affected everybody. And everybody can have a conversation about what their experience was and the whole family gets better as a result of that.

Ricky, could you, could you please share with us, you know, how much thought and what we have put into place to make sure that everyone feels honored and appreciated and acknowledged in this, what we intend to be, a very unique and diverse community. So, meaning how do I know that I'm not going to, you know, be accused of something or, you know, called out? Because maybe I have a different belief.

Inside the Better Love Club, every person is going to be required to sign a confidentiality agreement, meaning they agree to the terms and Conditions of our community, which is very open minded, we honor everybody. But if you break those conditions, then we will kick you out because we don't tolerate that. We have a no nonsense policy. Relationships are very sacred and we are creating the safest place to talk about relationships on the Internet. And if you don't want to be in that club and you want to be weird or wonky, disrespectful or.

Yeah.

Well, if you're pushing an agenda or a particular belief that you feel like it's your job and duty to ensure that everybody abide by, this is not going to be a great place for you. I would encourage you to not sign up. This is not for you. If you're wanting to explore and expand and you're willing to challenge yourself in regards to exploring and understanding perspectives that are different than yours, this would be a great place for you to be.

Our last question. What would you say to someone who is on the fence about becoming a member of the Better Love Club?

I would say jump in and try it. Worst thing that's going to happen is you're going to go, oh geez, this isn't a good fit for me. We're going to refund your money. The best thing that's going to happen is you're going to jump in and go, this is amazing. I've been looking for this my whole entire life. I can't believe I've done 30 years of counseling and I'm just now learning this. I want to stay. I love the community. That would be the very best thing. And I'm going to get better at love and, and not just in my primary relationship with my lover, but relationships overall, excluding the one with yourself.

And it's, there's no risk involved because we have a 30 day money back guarantee. So come in, join. If you don't like it, you leave like there's no risk and just say.

Hey, I don't think this is a good fit for me and we'll go, great, here's your money back. So there's, there's a zero risk thing. I would say error on the side of giving it a try. You know, it's kind of like trying new food, new experiences, new places. Rather than be afraid of it and wonder on the front side, jump in and give it a whirl.

And if you're resonating with, with what we have share, then use that as the benchmark. Don't, you know, don't overthink this. If you're resonating to us As a family. And again, you don't get one, you get three. This is a three for one deal. It's literally a family business that is mentoring and teaching and helping people get better at love. I don't know of any better way to demonstrate how committed we are.

People who are listening, who've made it to the end of this podcast, if you're still here, thank you. We love you. And I want to give all of you gift. You're probably there wondering, like, oh God, this is going to be so expensive. How am I ever going to afford this? This sounds amazing. Well, I want to tell you, you get all of this for $99 a month and that is it. Like you can't, you can't get that anywhere else. We know people are having a hard time right now. You know, the economy isn't great, people are struggling. So we want you to be able to save your relationship. We want to make it easier, easy, want to make it affordable. This is the best price you will ever get it for. But it's only 99amonth. That's 20 or $97 a month. That's 25 bucks a week. I think we all have $25 a week to invest in ourselves and into our relationships, which the quality of our lot of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.

Of our lives.

Wow. And remember, for that $99, that $25 a week. Week. Less than $25 a week actually. You're going to get two live sessions.

With us and the ability questions you want.

Yep, yep. And to get the help and support that you need. Right.

So this isn't just one call a month. This is two calls a week. So you're getting us live every Monday and every Thursday.

Why are we doing this? You know what, Bottom line is we care. We want this to go well for you. You. We are committed to doing everything that we possibly can to make this go well for you. So we're going to give you everything we got.

Mom two is running out of one on one spots. She's. Yes, she's booked out. She's now becoming booked out several weeks in advance. So it's becoming hard for people to get scheduled with her. So we said, how can we make this information available to more people than just one on one sessions? Because we can't help very many people that way. Way. So this is our answer to that.

And hey, if you know, you need some one on one, I get it. Sometimes oneonone sessions, one on one sessions are required. There are spots for Those, those levels in the membership as well. Okay. So just know that if that is something you need, there are some.

And let's say, and we already know that those are going to get taken and don't worry and how we're going to do that we've already talked about this is if there's no availability, you can get your name on a list. And so there'll be a waiting list and you just keep coming and showing up on the twice a week week. And then as soon as somebody comes off and there's availability that opens up, then you'll be the first one to be placed back into that rotation.

If you have, if you're listening to all of this and you're like, hey, I have some questions, we have the abilities for you to have a clarity call with my dad, Tom, and you can schedule that his schedule is open. You can schedule and by going to stacybartley.com forward/apply, put in the time you want and he will call you at that designated time. You guys can, can get some clarity on whatever questions you have. And now I'm going to hand the show back over to you guys to do Follow the fun and the song.

Can you feel it, Yahoo?

Absolutely. I have a really juicy song. It's going to be. It's a new artist to me. I, I don't know. I didn't do any research on them, but it. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Okay, so as we had talked about in the podcast today or in this interview, about how difficult it is to show up and talk, it's an interesting dilemma that we find ourselves in as human beings. We know we need to talk in order to improve the communication of our relationships, but we don't want to talk about any of the problems. And if we don't want to talk about any of the problems, then what do we talk about when we've been together for a period of time, whether that's a year, five years, 10 years, 20 years. And that's usually where the breakdown happens. So I wanted to give you a couple of questions out of our conversation cards for connection today so that you, for a moment of fun, can just breathe a sigh of relief, create some conversation with the person that you want to connect with. And all we're going to do is draw a card and give you a couple of questions so that today or sometime here in the next few days, you can carve out 10, 15, 20 minutes minutes for just having a conversation. And you don't have to worry about not talking about the right things. Right. Or creating that fight that you're trying to avoid. So I'm going to ask you to.

Just draw a card, hold them up, show everyone. Yeah, the camera.

All right, here we go. Here they are. We're going to create some for sex, too. They're coming. But here they are. Very nice conversation cards for connection. If you want a deck for your own. I know couple couples who really, really use these frequently because this is an easy way to practice what it is they're learning in our. In our sessions and our learnings and our teachings.

Acbartley.com forward/cards. You can get your own deck.

Yeah.

Okay. So the. The card I pulled says, what are the most important things you learned from your parents?

Does everybody want to take a crack at this? And we can just demonstrate how.

I'll go right away. Because my mom. I mean, this is no shock that I'm in this business because my mother raised me with this confirmation and affirmation. Life is all about relationships, Brooke. Can you remember Grandma sue saying that all the time? Yes.

Yeah. I think for me, my mom had a saying that became a huge part of our lives and is painted on several of my siblings walls that says, the sun will shine in this house whether it's shining outside or not. Meaning we get to take charge of the experiences that we feel and that we have in our lives, regardless of the circumstances that are playing out. Overall, my mom was masterful at demonstrating that. So that would be a huge gift from my mom. What about you, Brittany?

I would say my mom taught me to be kind. My mom was a very kind woman who helps people as much as she can. And I would say my dad taught me a lot. I don't know who I would be without him. Him, I would say he taught me to have integrity and to always keep my word and also to enunciate and always to have good lighting.

Hey, and wait a minute. I have one, too that I know for a fact. He taught you there has to be proper H Vac at all times. Airflow, ventilation. I constantly get that reminder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ventilation for sure. So use this to create chemicals connection in your relationship today. What are the most important things you learned from your parents? I think that's a really great question.

And these give you one pack of cards. They fit right in your purse, too. You can stick them and have some fun when you go, like, out to eat or something or whatever. They're really.

Here's the second one.

Brook designed them. They're awesome.

What do you love most about life. So there's two that you can just say, hey, don't worry. We now know what we're going to talk about. Let's sit down and share. Share. And just let it be about the sharing. Don't analyze, don't judge, don't. Don't think you know the answer. Don't jump in and answer the question for them. Just ask the question and let everybody respond. And we get to practice, like, listening.

And the rules that are on the box are no electronic devices allowed. You have to leave your phones in your purse. This is looking at each other. A simple card.

You know, it's absolutely fun. Families use them for road trips. They can be used for families as well. Just want you to know that they're. They're good for all ages. Yeah, there's no talk.

There's no inappropriate questions.

Exactly. So let's land this, shall we, with a song that I was talking to you about a little earlier. Have either one of you heard of Sam Martin?

Yes.

Oh, Brookie knows who he is. Well, today's song is it's going to Get Better. It's absolutely going to get better. And the lyrics are, it's going to get better for you. You'll look back, you'll forget the pain. It's going to get better for you. You don't need to be afraid. I know you think no one's with you. I see how lonely this makes you. Don't give up now. You can get through it. It's going to get better from here. And I want you to know that's the whole genesis behind Better Love Club is we want it to get better for you going forward. Can move through the pain. Yes. Pain is a part of life, but we don't have to live our lives in it. That there's really good parts about love and life as well, and we want to pursue those. We want to move through it and not get stuck in it. So you can check out this song that we have for this episode as well as all the other songs that we have for every episode that we've ever created. You can do that by going to our website. You can also search us up on Spotify by. By searching Love Shack Live playlist and all the songs. You've got 104 of them. Now, they're obviously not only songs that we joy we enjoy and love over here, but they're also a theme song for every conversation that we've had right here in the Love Shack. So it's been a pleasure I hope that you understand why we are so excited about the Better Love Club and that we have spent literally five years putting the parts and pieces together for you. You trying things on, you know, chucking ones that don't work and understanding more and more clearly what it is we need to become better at love. It's such an honor and a privilege and a get to for us to be able to bring this to you. We're so looking forward to seeing you inside the Better Love Club. Thank you so much for being here inside the Love Shack with us this week. And if this episode has been helpful for you, if it's inspired you in some way, we're going to encourage you, you to subscribe as well as pass it along to your friends and family. Because as Brooke said earlier as she started this interview, you know what? We all got to get better at this thing called love. Bye. Bye for now.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.