#107: The 6 Pillars You Need To Save Your Relationship (Part Two)

We refuel ourselves and we refuel our relationship by being able to put those problems on the shelf and go and have a little bit of fun. There's a wonderful saying that I learned a long, long, long, long time ago. In fact, it was a huge mantra of my family that, that families that play together stay together. And I would say that's true for couples too. Couples that learn how to play together and enjoy each other's company and activities that we can share in unison stay together.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter most when it comes to our long lasting relationships. And we're going to have a little bit of fun along the way. I'm Stacy Bartley and this is my co host Tom. And we have been serving couples for many, many years. And it's a pleasure to be here with you today. This is episode number 107, and this is actually part two of a series that we've already recorded part one of. And basically what we're doing is we're sharing with you the six pillars that you need to know to become masterful at love and relationships. The first two, just to give you a brief overview, is foundations.

First three.

I'm sorry, the first three? Did I say the first two?

You did.

I'm sorry, let me just say. You know what, why don't you say, why don't you say the first three?

I don't know what they are, but I do know my name is Radar, for heaven's sakes.

Number one is foundations. Number two, Emotional weight.

Drawing a blank.

Wow.

I know.

What's number three? Communication. So we've talked about those in a part one series. And so if any of those resonate with you and you have an already listened to it, then please go back and pull that episode.

Could they listen to this one first and then go back to the other one?

Absolutely. Okay.

Because sometimes people will say you need to listen to the part one first.

No, you don't just know that there's. There's the first three that it's important for you to know and understand.

There's six in total.

Six in total.

This is four, five and six.

Yep. And so we're going to start with number four today, in case you don't.

Know who we are. I already said you did. Did you introduce our daughter?

Well, what do you want to do that.

Yes.

Okay.

Brooke, Is a. Our daughter Brooke is a big part of our show now. Just talked to someone and said, oh, I love Brooke being part of your podcast now. You know, a little less of you, a little more of Brooke. No, she didn't say that. But anyway, Brooke is our daughter, one of our eight children who is the sometimes the voice from the dark and also sometimes she is on the video.

Yeah, yeah.

So number four is agreements. The first question is, what are agreements exactly? And why are they so important in our relationships?

The agreements that we make in our relationships actually become the place where we co create together. And we all have ideas and expectations about what we think these agreements are. And even if we were to say, well, our agreement is, for example, monogamy, or our agreement is that we're going to talk things out, we're going to solve our problems, or our agreement is that we're going to try and be attuned to each other. Right. Like, or be more thankful. Like, there's all kinds of things that we could lay on the table in regards to what our agreements are between us. And unfortunately, it's just not specific enough for us. Saying that we're going to have a monogamous relationship is a great start. But what does that mean? Like, let's dig a little deeper on that. And this is where the exploration of agreements and what's really driving them becomes really, really helpful. Because when we get really specific about the agreements between us, then there's a level of security and safety and loyalty and trust that already has the stage set where everybody understands and agrees to what it is we're going to be doing. And so oft times, like I said already, we don't get specific enough. We just don't. So monogam can mean lots of things. So can I just want to have more love or I want to talk about our problems? Okay, well, let's talk about what that looks like or sounds like or what it is I'm really driving to experience. And there's very, very specific combinations inside of us that sometimes we don't even understand. But unless we explore those and talk about them, we're going to set ourselves up for unmet expectations and disappointments. Right. So agreements are very important.

And do they change?

They absolutely change. So also, I'm glad you brought that up. Agreements are not a set it and forget it. As the needs of the relationship change, because the needs of each person in the relationship change, we need to come back to the table and reevaluate those again and again and again. And this is how we get better at this thing called love over time. Right. Because we're going to get more familiar with what we need in our relationships. We're going to get more familiar with our person and what they need. And so these agreements are going to change also. Like when you add children, those, those are going to change. When the children are all gone, that's going to change. We step into retirement, that's going to change. Like there's all these critical places in our lives where there's going to be a tremendous amount of change that we need to navigate as a couple. But we're still trying to use the same old agreements that we did when we first got married. And most of us just again, hold those inside of ourselves and we don't really vet it out or talk about it or explore it or recommit to them. And so if we do, then it gives us a tremendous sense of safety and well being in our relationships. The other thing that I'm just going to highlight here that we talk a lot about in agreements inside of our better love club is the importance of yes and no. We think that if we get just a simple yes or a simple no, that okay, we're good. Right. Without realizing that yes can mean lots of things and no means lots of things. And we want to explore those, especially when we're setting the stage for our agreements, I. E. Our co creation and our relationship. So pillar number four is really, really important. It kind of sets the guardrails or the bumpers or the container around our relationship.

My next question is, what are some. It's two pronged. What are some of the most common agreements you see couples have when they come to you? And what are some of the most common fights that happen if couples don't define any. Any agreements or they don't correctly define.

Agreements in their relationships? Yeah. I'm going to start with the second one first. If there are no agreements but the ones that are held inside of me as an expectation, then we're going to fight. Because I'm in a fight about the interpretation of what I thought you should know or what I meant when I said fill in the blank and the other person is going to go, how did you get there? Like, that's ridiculous. I'm not doing that. Right. And so it's in these fighting pieces that our expectations and our sense of being disappointed start to come out. We fight and then we start to see, oh, we have no agreement here whatsoever. Like you're playing out what you thought the agreements were and the other person's playing out what they thought the agreements were and we're not on the same page at all. I just want you to understand that that's what creates the conflict we experience in our relationships. Just that the first one that you mentioned, the common ones are. I've already brought up some of them. What does monogamy mean? And everybody goes, well, duh. What does that mean? Well, actually, no. There are a lot of interpretations of monogamy. For example, does monogamy mean that we can have an emotional connection with the people that we work with and around us? Does monogamy mean for us that you don't get to go out with guys that are friends or girls that are friends unless you're the same sex? Does monogamy mean that as long as we're together, we can swing together? Right? As long as we go together and we're monogamous and that we can do all kinds of things. What does it mean for you? And most of us don't take the time to think really deeply about what is monogamy, nor do we think about the conversation around how is it we're going to agree to solve our problems, right? Like, when is it that we do this evaluation piece in our lives? When is it that we're going to spend time together? We all know we need to connect, we need to share, we need to spend more time together. But when is that going to happen for us and how is that going to happen? Like, how do we see that playing out in our lives? Those are very specific. And when you say you just want more love or you just want more connection, what is it you're really asking for? Because just to say those words doesn't tell me what it is that's lacking for you. In my experience, I feel like I'm knocking it out of the park, for example. But you're telling me you still want love and connection, right? We spend all this time together. What the heck does that mean? I don't know. I feel like I'm knocking it out of the park on one side and the other person's going, yeah, I just. I just need you to love me. And the other person is like, oh my gosh, I'm going to lose my mind. I don't know how else to love you. As we look at these specifics, we're recognizing and realizing that love for a certain person might be. Be that we have a common interest that we build and grow in together. It might mean that I just need you to hold me and Hug me more. It might mean that I just need you to reassure me that we're okay and that you got my back. It might mean that we go out to dinner more often or that we explore new things together. It could mean lots of different things. And I'm thinking of a conversation right now with a couple of mine who did a lot of work together. They had a business where they would go out and they would do speaking engagements and they would do a lot of, like, community teaching and support. And what one woman wanted was to not be left alone in the room, that that was what she was waiting for, to be able to check the box that she was loved, that she was thought about, that she was appreciated because it was such a huge part of their relationship. And until that came out in our session, her partner had no idea that that's what she was sitting around waiting for. And so they would show up at these events and he would leave her sitting in the corner and he would go commingle with right the room until she could say no. This is what love means to me. It means you come back and you check on me. It means that you invite me to come with you. It means that I'm a part of these conversations. You include me. Like, we could get very, very specific. And then all of a sudden, she could check that box called I love you, I'm aware of you, I appreciate you. And it can mean lots of different things to lots of different people. And so getting that specific piece of, hey, this is our agreements, this is what that looks like for me is such an important piece to any relation.

I have a question. This is something that we hear and we reference often is why is it that we think or you correct me if I'm wrong. You coach and teach and mentor specifics. Why is it that we think we can't get this specific, or I like to say, even this granular with our special someone?

I think it's just because we don't know what we don't know as human beings. Like, we've never even had that idea that I needed to get more specific. You know, I feel that I want these specific things, are these certain things in my relationship. And I notice that if I do a little searching on social media or, you know, anything on Dr. Google, that I'm not the only one that wants these things. So I just must be able to ask for these things. And I don't realize there's so much more to it until somebody points that out for me. And then when I start looking I go, oh, my gosh, there is something specific there. And that's usually a huge surprise to our clients. Like, oh, wow, I never thought of it like that. I've never thought about. How does that sound right to me? I've never thought about how that feels in my physical body. Like, is there a touch, Is there a word specifically that I'm looking for to, like, check that box for me? And the answer for all of us is yes, because that's how we experience life. And yet, until we uncover those, we're always disappointed. And one of the big skills that we teach in our communication modules is simply that of being able to ask for that once you see it. Because that's another thing that we don't feel like we can do as a human being. One may be because we've never been invited to, but a lot of us have a lot of, like, baggage from being raised as a kid where we could see all these new things and say, I want this, I want this, I want this. And we started hearing messages like, geez, do you think the world revolves around you? Do you think you just get everything you want? You think money grows on trees? And so we started to learn as we grow, grew that, oh, wow, okay, I guess I'm being selfish if I want this, or I know that this is what I need and want. And so then instead of knowing what it is we wanted specifically for ourselves inside, we started to look outside of ourselves in regards to what was okay and what was appropriate to want and say and desire. Right. So. So we've learned to regulate that a lot. And part of that is just kind of like this reclaiming of what is it, what is it for you that you're longing for? And so those are all the important aspects of agreement.

What is a quick tip you would give if a person listening is thinking, oh, there's one agreement I really want with my partner, but I know that they will not agree with it and we won't see eye to eye, because I feel a lot of people feel that way, and we help a lot of people navigate that. So what would you. What would you give as a quick tip for that specific situation?

Well, it kind of goes hand in hand with what I mentioned earlier with no. No means lots of things. No just doesn't mean that's the end of it. No means, hey, I'm afraid. No means I don't. I can't wrap my head around that. I don't resonate with that. I don't know how to do that. No Means I'm not ready or in a place where I feel like that's going to work for me. And so I would say to that person, please put that on the table because even though they may not be able to agree with it now, you might find your surprise down the road when we uncover some of these reasons that no is coming up. And you yourself might find that what you think you want right now actually is more of something else when we start exploring it. Like agreements are a journey. They're never set it and forget it. And like I say again and again and again, what works today may not be what works tomorrow. And as we start laying these things on the table, right, the important thing is to ask for them so that you can validate yourself and so that your person can learn a little bit more about how you tick. It's not necessarily all about getting it, it's about opening up the conversation so we can explore these other things from lots of different potential possibilities or shall I say lots of perspectives and possibilities that those needs could be met in many, many different ways. It's not just a this is going to be it or no. It's not a yes or no deal. There's lots of different opportunities between yes and no. It's much easier to change the agreement than it is to change the person. And it's so interesting to me that once we find some common ground that everybody feels really good about, right, Everybody can really show up and thrive in this place of agreement. But until we have them, we really have nothing. That's kind of a foundation or a co creation place with inside of our relationship. So this is really important. Once we get to the place where we have the other three securely knelt down.

Number five is play and novelty, which is often a I feel and I know we've talked about this a lot, it's often a place where people think, okay, I don't need that one, I'm going to skip these. I just want to learn, learn, learn, learn, learn and slog through all of this other very difficult stuff. I don't need the fun part here.

In this, here in the Smith house, we don't play.

So my first question about this, this pillar and you'll get exactly where I wanting to frame this is number one, what happens when we run out of emotional gas.

You lose the desire and the willingness to work on the relationship and to navigate through the inevitable challenges that are going to be part of life and love. If we don't have a reason to reconnect or we can't put our problems on the shelf long enough to enjoy each other's company. We're going to quickly find ourselves in a place where I'm like, I'm just going to bail because I don't think what I want is here.

This is very key. Everyone heard that. That's what happens when you run out. How do we refill our gas tanks?

Well, that's the, that's playing novelty. That is the gift of play and novelty. We refuel ourselves and we refuel our relationship by being able to put those problems on the shelf and go and have a little bit of fun. There's a wonderful saying that I learned a long, long, long, long time ago. In fact, it was a huge mantra of my family that, that families that play together stay together. And I would say that's true for couples, too. Couples that learn how to play together and enjoy each other's company and activities that we can share in unison stay together. Now we might start to think of all kinds of things. I know our, our clients tend to go to, oh, great. So I've got to take a trip every weekend or, you know, and we all advice about having a date night, but if we're just doing the movie and a dinner and a movie and, and that, and we're calling that good and we're checking that box, we're missing the whole point of a date night. It's not about a date night. It's about having a time where you and I can refuel ourselves. And it doesn't have to be something big. It can be very. Something simple. It can be, you know, having a dinner on the floor instead of on the table, like have a picnic style. Or it can be, you know, locking ourselves in our room, you know, pulling cards and playing board games. Or, you know, Tom and I have been known to have a conversation hanging upside down, right? Because it's a totally different experience and it's a crack up. It's about also exploring new things together as a couple. And there's so many things to be explored that it's not hard to go share something that you've never done before. And these are things where we do get to really put our problems on the shelf for a while, and we need it. And there's so much science to so support this that we talk about. Like, this isn't just me saying, hey, you need to do this. Like, it is good for staying off depression and anxiety. It's good for finding a way back where you remember, I do love you. You are a Crack up. I do love your sense of humor or I love your wit or I love your insight and our deep conversations. I've missed this. Kind of like remembering how it is we got ourselves in this hot mess in the first place is by finding places that we could share and connect in the beginning. And we don't ever want to lose that. That's an ongoing process that we want to make a very intentional part of our relationship. Because if not, it is going to start to atrophy, it is going to break down, and then it is so easy for us to make up that idea and that belief that we have to get to the end of all of our problems before we can go back to have fun. And I say no, no, no, you've got it backwards. If you don't figure out how to have fun on the front side and enjoy each other and some of the things that used to do or that you need to get busy discovering as a couple, you're not going to make it through the problems. It's not going to happen.

How and why do play and novelty help us cope with the challenges of life?

The first thing that it does is it helps keep our brains very flexible. Like the creative problem solving and the imagination part of our brains, especially as we step into adulthood, tends to start to atrophy, not because it's not there, but because we don't exercise it at all. So keep our brains exceptionally flexible, which is going to really help us when we start to problem solve things or we, or we need to get creative about those specifics that we talked about in pillar number four. Like it gives us possibilities of thinking outside of our own boxes or our own silos in our own brains. It also is a huge gift when it comes to warding off depression. It also sustains optimism that even though we're going through a difficult time, we're going to make it, we're going to be okay. Oh my gosh, I loved it. What we did on Friday night or Saturday night or the last time that we had a really good laugh together, we're going to be okay. We're going to make it. It also very much sharpens our emotional skills as a human being. It makes me feel better about myself, it makes me feel better about you and the fact that we're in this together. So there's a tremendous amount of bonding that happens, right? I mean, just kind of go back to how you got here. What made you feel like this person was a person that you wanted to co create life with, with it's probably because you had a really good time together in the beginning. Isn't that ironic? And then that's the thing that we flush when we start to bump into the inevitable challenges of life, right? So we've got to remember how it is we got here. And we've got to remember that those are the things that create and bond us and give us the ability to reduce the stress, improve our concentration and continue to expand the creativity. It essentially, it emotionally lets us exhale, like, okay, I know we're not where we want to be. I know we got some things to figure out, but it's going to be okay. I can exhale and let go.

What are some specific examples of how we can add more play and novelty and excitement into our relationships? And I'm asking this for the people who feel like they're in a very painful spot right now and they simply do not know how to access this part of themselves or their place in the. In their partnership. You know, how can. How can people in that place do it?

Sometimes we need to start with ourselves. Sometimes our relationship is so broken down that I'm not going to be able to make this a part of my relationship right now. So I'm going to begin where I am. And I just need to start. Start creating a bit of play and enjoyment and novelty for myself so that I can start showing up better. I can refuel myself first. And that gives me the ability to bring this to this relationship. And as somebody starts to see me showing up better and feeling better, they're naturally going to get curious if they want the relationship to work as to. Hey, what are you doing? I have a flashback from a darling show called Fried Grain Tomatoes. And in that particular show, the character, the main character's relationship is completely flatlined. Her husband's like this trucker. And there's a scene where she decides that she's going to start having a little bit of fun and novelty and exploring herself. And in the scene, she's wrapped herself in Saran Wrap and has come up with this glorious dress that's completely see through. And he walks through the door going, what's wrong with you? Like, what the heck is going on? And she is so proud of herself. And he's shocked and amazed, and she's just so proud that she's been able to risk and do this thing for herself. And it starts a whole new conversation and dialogue between the two characters. And I think that's a really great representation about what happens when we do begin to just explore where I am right now. And if it's not available in your relationship, then that tells you there's some things that we need to work on there. Like, that's a sign. That's a. Not a red flag, but it's definitely a sign that we want to create some safety and some play and some refueling in your relationship. And sometimes we have to start with ourselves first. Sometimes that's a safer place to begin, as opposed to thinking that I'm just going to be able to enroll you in the idea of doing some of these things that I want to do, but maybe my partner's not ready to do. And we don't want to step into a place of control and manipulation there. We just want to be able to begin with me and let that be the demonstration of what might be possible. And then they kind of, little by little, build the courage to kind of come along. Right. Or start creating what they feel safe and comfortable with. And we encourage that and allow that to grow a little bit over time. So that's. That's what I would say is begin where you are.

And would you say this is. Of the six pillars, this is the one that people have the. The greatest rub against?

I think it's the one that challenges people the most because people come in and say, oh, my gosh, my relationship is falling apart. And I'll say, let's have a little fun. And. And if I were to say that, people would go throat. You just don't get it right? Right. And I'm going to say back to you, you just don't get it right. Like, this is a very important piece.

I want to. I think some people will relate to this. When you are so unhappy in your relationship, first of all, that usually means you're very unhappy in your life, too, because the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. So if your relationship sucks, it feels then like your life sucks. And then that's where we get into places of finding joy in other ways. For me, it was overeating and drinking too much wine. And then let's say you get to the point where you're like, okay, I need to go on a diet or I need to start eating better. If. If overeating is the only place you're getting joy and fun and pleasure and play and novelty, and then you try to take it away to go on a diet, then you're removing the only place that you're getting that feeling from your life. So I would say adding in some play and novelty into your relationship and Your life and you know, just in your general experience, day to day is not only going to help your relationship, but you'll notice that it will help you in the areas that you're struggling because you're adding, you're adding these feelings into your life where they're lacking and you're trying to get them in other areas that sometimes are detrimental to your health, your mental health, your well being. So this is the answer not only to, to help your relationship, but just to help you in general. Because I know that especially Americans, we suck at having play and novelty in our lives. We work, work, work, work, work, and then go to bed and then wake up and do it again. And, you know, we wonder why we have addiction problems and overeating problems and over shopping problems, because all of those are trying to get these feelings into our lives. But then when we say, when mom two says, okay, you need to have play and novelty, we resist it. We're like, no, we don't need that. But all of our actions are saying otherwise. We're trying to get it. So it's kind of a radical thing that we're doing here. We're saying, no, you just have to make it part of your life. You have to make these things a priority.

Well, or, or do what you're talking about, right? Like we are going to find places where we can have enjoyment and pleasure through play. Yes. And you either get intentional about it or you're going to do it in the ways that you just described. And I think that highlights how important it is for our survival as a human being.

So why not do it in a way that is fun and healthy and happy? Because if you do it in the way that I've, that I did for many years, and if you're watching, see, I'm still quite. I'm. I'm a plump woman, so I haven't figured out how to get it off yet. But I'm saying, you know, when you do it that way where, where you overeat or you drink too much wine or you shop too much. I've done all of the above. Those feel shameful. So it's, you get that initial feeling of play and novelty and you're like, oh, I'm bad. I'm being rebellious. I'm getting that spontaneous feeling, the pleasure of tasting the food in your mouth. But then after, you kind of hate yourself. So why not have it be a part of your life that's intentional and, and you're actually feeling play and novelty and then you don't have guilt at the end.

You know, you have no idea how happy I am to hear you say this. Like, our listeners probably don't understand that you have rumbled over this and you have insisted I take it out and I've refused. And Brooke is one of the most darling, spontaneous, playful women I know when she allows herself to go there. And I think that's the thing is we have all of these stories in our head about why we can't. And those are the things that we need to learn how to wrestle with better because we are going to act it out. We need it as a human being. And here's the thing that I want to highlight. You don't need to justify any. Anything that feels like play to you. And you don't even need to be good at it. You just need to do it. Yeah. Because if you don't intentionally do it in healthy ways, we are absolutely gonna steal it from a rebellious place inside of ourselves on the backside anyway. And then like you said, sweetie, we feel bad about it. So that just.

And I. I know that there are so many women, especially who. Moms, who. I'm not a mom, but I. I'm friends with a lot of moms, and obviously I. I have two moms. And so I'm familiar with moms. They beat themselves up for. For wanting a little bit of piece of their day to be for them. But then a lot of times they end up doing the things I've done where they drink too much wine or they eat too much food or they do too much online shopping on Amazon, and then they beat themselves up for it when the intention at first. First was good. And I'm not saying it's bad. I. I'm not a fan of beating yourself up for anything that's not. That's not constructive. But if. If you could just realize the reason why you're doing those things is because you want some play and novelty in your life, then you can get in front of it and not. And you won't have to feel that way anymore. And you can do some things that you'll actually enjoy, like go get your nails done, go over to a friend's and have wine with them. Go, you know, go to the park and walk on the grass and bare feet. All of these things that could be. Really fill you up instead of at the end making you feel less than or feel like you need counseling after, you know, for sure.

And it just goes to show what a huge part it is of our survival and well being as a human being. Like we will, we will rob it from somewhere if we're not intentionally allowing ourselves to pursue it. And I'm glad that you brought up moms. I, I, I remember intentionally. And my mom gave this gift to me. So it wasn't something I just want to say I came up with on my own, but I remember creating outlandish activities of play with my own children. Not to necessarily suffice them, they loved it because their kids are going to do anything that's like creative and outlandish, but because I needed it. And I'll never forget like getting a 25 pound bag of flour and taking a to the park in the middle of the summer. And I brought buckets so that we couldn't just have a water fight, we could have a flower fight. And here's the funny part. When we started throwing flour around, then the sprinklers kicked on and all of a sudden we were all laughing hysterically because we had paste in our hair. Right. And so, and I know that sounds crazy and bizarre, but it is a huge memory that my kids and I still share to this day. And it is the novelty part of it that has stuck, stuck with this. Right. And, and we used to have huge like water gun fights and balloon fights and we would stage it in the parks. We could hide behind the trees, kind of like paintball, right? Now we didn't have that back then, so we had to kind of create it from scratch. But my mom was masterful at those kinds of things. She would create fun out of nothing. And I just think there's, there's everything that we have to say about play and novelty is you don't have to be good at it. It, you, you doesn't have to make any sense. It just needs to be something you enjoy or something that's unique and different, that isn't the same as every single other day is the same.

Well, and I have, when humans are going through a really hard time, I feel like it is not, it's not natural to think, oh, I need to go have some fun. You know, we think, oh, we just need to put our head down and slog through it and punish ourselves because we were bad and, and you know, we were bad at our relationship, so we don't deserve to go have fun. That is not the case. That is what we're exactly advocating against. Because if you don't have something to look forward to, a little levity, lightness to your day, it's that you can't, you can't survive, you can't survive that. So that's exactly why we're saying yes. Even to the people who are in the darkest parts of their lives, you need to have fun, too.

Well, and. And it's really what drives addictions of all kinds. The ones that we approve of and the ones that we don't. Right. By the way, they all come from the same emotional driver. It's in our need to have fun, to exhale, to let go, to. To just put the problems on the shelf for a minute. And sometimes we forget that we have all kinds of solutions for those things that we're acting out through our addictions. We could just go have a little fun. Right. So important. Really important. Probably want to add. Wow, I'm going to say that, but I think I'm passionate about all of our six pillars, but this one, I feel like I've protected and was taught to me at a very young age. Thanks, Mom. That I think we need to talk more about. I think it would solve a lot of our anxiety and our depression and our challenges. When we have life coming at us at work warp speed. It is the place where we can put our problems on the shelf for real. And we can say, yeah, this problem still needs to be solved. But today, today, let's go play.

And if you're thinking like, okay, that all sounds great, but I have no idea how to bring that into my life, because I am the poster child for that. We have a hundred and however many episodes, and every single episode has a play your way to fun part of the show. As Stacy shared, this has been a battle and a. Or I would say a deep conversation amongst the three of us. And mom, too, has always. Or Stacy, as I call her, or Babe, has always says no, that will be staying in the show because it is that important. And this has been a radical transformation on my part because you're looking at the king of responsibility here, if you're watching us on video.

And I'm the daughter of the king of responsibility, so.

So here in this house, we don't have time. We don't have time for play. We need to get. Get work, work and work and work. I come from a tremendous lineage of responsibility and work and do whatever it takes. And Stacy has really radically challenged me and transformed my vantage point on that. I'm telling you. So if you typically choose out, okay, now I'm done with the episode because now they're going to that follow the fun thing. I would challenge you. Don't. Don't turn off the episode. Just listen and challenge yourself and tag us. Go through it and tag us and share with us how the experience went. Because we put up. Stacy puts a lot of time and ATT mentioned. We don't just do this to do it. We do it because we want you to participate. It's really important.

Well, and here's the fun thing about the Follow the fun. If you were to go back and follow the fun episodes, and each one of these episodes that we have, it's going to start to stimulate your own creativity. And really, that's what I want to see happen. Because when we start from ground zero, it's really difficult for us to go, well, gosh, what would we do? I mean, what does that look like? But you start listening to what that would look like, and then all of a sudden what starts to spark for you is all kinds of things that o. We could do this. Oh, my gosh, I could build on that. Oh, that makes me think of this one thing. Right. I'm going to do now or this thing that we used to love to do together. I'm going to bring it in and do it now. That's what I want to see happen for you. Like, it's not necessarily. You have to. You have to follow my recipe. It's going to start to stimulate this creative space inside of you where you're going to start creating your own recipes for follow the fun. That's exactly what we're hoping is going to happen. Right.

All right. The last and final pillar, which some people probably think it's weird that your daughter is asking you about, but.

And I think also people would also find that this is number six by design. Yes, Mrs. Bartley.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah, we could go. We could go into some teaching about that. Like, sometimes people start with. With sex and intimacy. That's the pillar. Some people start with sex and intimacy because they're trying to get the play, the novelty, the exploration, the pleasure out of life. And that's totally fine. What I find works better for most couples is that we build those foundational skills first, because most of us are adverse to going to sex and intimacy first, because we just don't have the feeling or the sense of safety or trust or knowing. We don't know how to advocate for what it is we need. We don't know how to talk and share about what works for me and what doesn't. So most of our sex lives become pretty mechanical. Quite honestly, they're. They're very mechanical by nature. So, Brookie, what's your question?

Why do you Think so many people, especially in America, I would say, view sex as taboo.

I think a lot of it comes from our Christian upbringings where, you know, sex is only done at certain times and places. In some faith beliefs. Sex is also something that is an idea of purity, especially for us as women, you know, so there's some gender roles that start to play out in the conversation of sex and intimacy. It seems that men get a license to be promiscuous in our culture here in America, and women have to hold themselves to a level of purity in the unfortunate outplay of that is, you know, let's say you and I have decided not to have sex before marriage, but you've had some experience with it that's been completely okay in our. Our culture, in our religious beliefs, and I haven't. And you're expecting me to show up on our wedding night as. As the woman that you've been with that has some experience, and I have none. Also, if I've held myself to a certain level of purity, it's really difficult for me to flip that switch in my brain that goes, goes, hey, baby, you know, come get me, watch me do a pole dance. That's probably not going to happen. Like, I'm. I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to show up. And I think this brings us to the first thing we need to understand about sex and intimacy and quite frankly, orgasm, is that it's wired in our brains. Like what gets fired together gets wired together. And if there hasn't been a lot of firing there, I don't know what to do. I don't know what brings me to orgasm. I don't know what pleasure is for me. I don't even know how to have sex.

That was my next question. So how to tie those together? How does us viewing sex as taboo affect our sexual desire in relationships?

Just like that. Our sexual desire can come from our. Well, it comes from our experiences because what gets fired together gets wired together. It's because of that initial place of like, boom, this is what that is for you. Okay, so. So how our initial or our primary sexual experiences happen is where we start to wire those parts of our brain sexually and intimately. It has an outplay there. Now, that's. That can be challenging news, right? But that can also. I also want to point out the good news in it. If that. That's the case, which it is, then a couple, even if you have some intimacy issues right now, can rewire what pleasure is for the Two of you. So we just need to start that firing in different ways. And that's going to be an exploration where we get to just start exploring what pleasure is for us in new ways, in ways that we can share and experience it together. And if I were to say that to you the first time you came into my office without having any skill or understanding about how relationship, relationships work, you probably go, oh my gosh, I think we're done now. Right? But if you've built a foundation of trust and safety in your communication and in your own sense of knowing who you are, when we get to this place and the pillar, we can actually start exploring those conversations about, yes, this works for me. I love this. That feels really great. And what can I do for you? Be honest with me. Tell me the truth. And we start to play things like the yes no game. Like, you know, yes is an option. No is also an option. Which one is it? Don't leave me in the land of maybe. Right? Because then it, it prevents us from being able to find those places where we can start firing off new pathways in our brain that lead to deeper intimacy and that also lead to enjoyment of sex and the exploration of it. How sex becomes so mechanical is that we just have this one thing that we know works, and it works every single time. And so that's what we do. And we do it and we can have it done in about 2.3 second seconds. And now what are we gonna do? And that's not the fun of sex.

What do you. There are a lot of people who say sex or intimacy is a problem in their relationship. A very large percentage of people, I think sometimes that is just simply that they have different needs. Like one partner doesn't need sex as much as the other partner. So it's not necessarily problematic problem. It's just not a match need, which I think probably there's a very large percentage of couples who, who don't. Who have that. Like one person does not need sex as much as the other person. It could be biological, could be because of a medicine they're on, but it doesn't necessarily mean there's a problem. It's just they're. They're making a difference known. But there are some sex, some not sex, some partners who are in sexless marriages or some partners who haven't had sex for a long time, like months or years. Or some partners who just simply, you know, kind of forgot how to be that way with each other. They've totally taken physical intimacy off the table.

First of all.

Why do you think that happens? And is it possible to repair it?

Absolutely it is. And. And to the first comments that you've just made about the sexual desire part, I think that's important for us to understand that desire comes out of cultivation. And so if we're not doing anything to cultivate the rise in our libido, yes, it can be hormonal, yes, it can be medicated, driven. But more often than not, it simply comes from not understanding that foreplay begins after the last orgasm. And it's actually the foreplay that's the fun part of sex and intimacy, not the act of having sex itself. What does that mean? It means that where's the flirting? Where's the teasing? You know, where's the taunting? Where's the, you know, come and get me kind of part? It's. It's got to be stimulated or nobody is going to want to have sex as a human being, Right. Unless I've got an overabundance of some of those hormones that are happening. And this is really true for women too, right? Probably more so than men. Men have more visual stimulation than women do. However, if you'll cultivate it, which is why we get into the conversation about, well, be kind to me, romance me, you know, and what we're saying is, gosh, stir this in me somehow. And that's really true for not just women, but for men too, that there is this cultivation that needs to happen for the arousal part to take place. And then we're going to want to have sex and intimacy. And I think that's a very big misnomer. The reason why we can very often find ourselves in a sexless marriage is that it's either from neglect, from what I just talked about, because we don't understand how it works, or it's from trauma that absolutely shuts me down and stops me from going into the act of sex because it causes all these other things to come up inside of me. And we talk a lot about that in this module because it needs to be talked about. We can make it up that I'm just not a sexual person. That's not true. Right? We can make it up that sex doesn't work for me or I don't know how. That's also not true. And so much part of our, our experience comes from this idea of performance. And sex and intimacy shouldn't be a performance model at all. It should be a pleasure model that we're constantly exploring and looking into. So those are huge. Like what? Right. How does that Work again, Don't worry. That's things that we explore here in this pillar. Important things.

My last question about this pillar is how important is sex in a relationship?

Incredibly.

Why? Mr. Bartley, that's why we're all what.

You look, you love to say it's why we're all here.

That's why we're all here.

I mean, so let's just be honest. I mean, and it's, I would say it's kind of a like play on our fifth pillar. It's easy to dismiss, especially as we start to age and we have time with our significant other. It's interesting how we can justify it.

So true. Well, and, and if we were to just reframe this a little bit and, and think of sex as pleasure, a place where I can actually explore more of who I am with a safe container and just one other person in my life that opens up doors and windows to the exploration of myself in ways I can't do anywhere else. And I think that's truly the gift of sex. I can explore myself in different arenas or different perspectives, meaning I can be a submissive person in our role play of sex, or I can be an aggressive person. And we can try all of those on sex very much reminds me of how we were as children when we really didn't know what else was possible. And I would say, hey, let's, let's play this out. I'll be this, you be that, and then let's see what happens. And I think, I think that's a huge piece that we step over when it comes to our sexual intimacy with our partner, that there are continued places where we get to explore who we might be in different scenarios and situations with my special person, if the conversation that is there and the safety is there to do so. And I think that's a huge piece of sex and intimacy that's stepped over. I call sex and intimacy kind of the superfood for a relationship because it has so much benefit for not only me as a human being and exploring myself, but exploring new places and opportunities for us as a couple. And we have it become mechanical. And unfortunately what's happening is we overstep the greatest gift that it can be in our relationship. It's not a set it and forget it deal. It's something that we want to come back and explore again and again and again. And then sex and intimacy becomes fun and enjoyable because you just never know how it's going to go. It also becomes an additional act of creativity and what we might explore being or co creating together. Also we might discover things about ourselves that are pleasurable in our bodies that we didn't know were even there until we kind of start going down that place of being able to share it with somebody else. It's, it's an incredible thing. We all say in our couples, in our relationships as well that we want more romance, you know, we, we want more intimacy into me, you see, And I need you to understand that the killer of all of this, the color of romance, of intimacy, of what we would call Europe, energy is simply two things. Reality and obligation. And so when we think about that, sex and intimacy all also becomes what I call the escape hash hatches to reality. These places where you and I can, you know, for an hour or two, you know, find our way into a different place where we can put the world on pause and you and I can go and explore something different. Different. Knowing that we're going to have to come back to reality at some point in time. And it can never come from a place of force or obligation because that also is going to kill the euros energy that I'm trying to create with you. So it has to be a place of permission and exploration and opportunity which if we hold it in that place that creates pleasure being the ultimate goal, not orgasm, but pleasure, then you can start to see, wow, okay. If we had a weekly, you know, know, date night that was centered around pleasure, whatever that might be, we set orgasm off to the side because it's not even really about that. And we set about exploring new and different places about us, me, you and what that looks like. That starts to become a real get to like, oh gosh, it's going to be okay. This has been a long week, but you know, Saturday morning's coming, baby, I'm, I'm, I'm in. Intimacy starts to help us heal from sexual trauma. It starts to help us discover more deeper aspects of ourselves. It starts to expand what I thought was pleasure for me and then I get to bond and connect with you in the process. And that in my opinion is a very beautiful thing.

Those are the six pillars that we have have centered our main content around in the Better Love Club. And the Better Love Club is our brand new online community that you can join. It is a safe place to come and learn all about relationships to help save your relationship. And also there's a practice element too that we'll be explaining more about. There's a whole bunch of worksheets and videos and trainings and two of our, our VIP Courses are in there. You have the ability to ask us any questions you have privately or publicly. You'll have the ability to interact with other members of the community and get support and talk about similar problems you guys are experiencing. It's just a place that we've created that we don't think exists anywhere else. And we'd love to have you be a part of it. And to get more information, you can go to the better link loveclub.com and just a heads up, we're having a great Black Friday sale. So keep your eyes peeled to get a heck of a deal on a yearly membership. And anything else you guys want to.

Add, I just want to highlight there's the learning component as we operate as human beings and there's the doing part. And Better Love Club combines those two things. Right. We all have probably a lot of head knowledge and we've read a lot of relationship books and that's great and that's awesome. But when do we start implementing or doing that in our lives? And until we do that next piece, that's where transformation really lives. And that's the huge part of our work that we're kind of now bringing to a place where you can not only learn, but you can also do what it is we're talking about and know how to implement that and get the support you need to implement it into your own life.

And I would say say another important distinction and difference is you're going to get us all three of us, not just Stacy, because Stacy is the sage from the stage and Brooke and I are the guides from the side. But it's going to be all three of us two times every single week. And that's every Monday night and every Thursday night. It's us coming live because we're going to come together and get better at this thing we call love. And there's really no one that does that. And it's going to be available at a price point. We feel literally everyone can access it.

Yeah. Why are we doing it two nights a week? Because we care. Because we need the learning and we need to doing, that's why. Because we know that's what moves the needle. So check it out. John, join us. I promise you it's going to be a game changer for you. So let's turn that corner. Let's talk about that play and novelty that we've kind of always mentioned. Mentioned already mentioned. And that we know is a huge part of every single episode that we do. And today, because we ended with the sixth Pillar, which is sex and intimacy. Great way to start that exploration or conversation is by talking about sex. Like, let's talk about it. Let's start exploring where you are with it. And so this conversation or these questions are questions that you can ask yourself personally and reflect on them, or you can share them with your partner wherever you feel safest in your relationship right now. So the first question that I'm going to ask you to explore is, when you think of sex, what comes to mind? Jot down any words, images and associations that come to your mind when I say, hey, when you think about sex, what comes to mind? What do you think about? Where do you go? The second one I'm going to ask you to explore is, is there a time and place you feel safe and free sexually? Like, that's important. And we want to set up our interactions romantically and sexually in places of containers where we feel safe and we feel free, because that's where that exploration of pleasure can happen. Number three, is there something sexual that you long for? What is it? Or shall I say it like this? This. Is there something pleasurable that you long for? And number four, what aspects of sex bring up fear and insecurity for you? Like, where do you go? What are you afraid of? What do you think's going to happen? Right. What shuts it down? What stops you from exploring or engaging in this idea of sex? And number five, what comes to mind when you imagine foreplay? Foreplay is the precursor to all sexual intimacy, and it is the funnest part, I assure you. Let go of the idea of orgasm and think about what is it that stirs you, that arouse you, that inspires you? And imagine what is foreplay to you, like, ultimately. And if you remember the pillar about agreements and how it is, we need to get specific with that. That get as specific as you possibly can with this question. So I'm just going to quickly read them again for those of you who are frantically writing them down. Number one, when you think of sex, what comes to mind? Number two, is there a time and place you feel safe and free sexually? Number three, is there something that you're longing for in the realm of sex or pleasure? And number four, what aspects of sex bring up fear and insecurity for you? Look at it, explore it. It's okay. Number five, what comes to mind when you imagine foreplay. And what's so funny is if we start imagining foreplay, we're gonna probably feel arousal come behind it. Then if we can get specific, we can explore those things with our partners. So that's a fun thing to do. Each and every week, we choose a song for our episode, and this is because we want you to feel the experience of what it is we're trying to teach and share with you. And so this week, for our song, we have chosen the Kelly Madison Ryan, or I'm sorry, Kelly Madison Ryan Ward, which is a song that talks about the peace of mind, of being connected and knowing who you are. And she sings in this song that the road is old but never ending. And maybe it's suitable for moving on and working through the hurting. It all takes energy and I need light so I can finally find the key. So please tell me this is the key by Madison Ryan Ward. I'm sorry I killed that in the beginning, but let me just come back around and clean up that. It's called the Key from Madison Ryan Ward. And it's a beautiful song that really highlights why it is we need these pillars in our lives and why it is we have the ability within us, us to get better at love. So check this song out along with all the songs that we choose for our episodes. And gosh, just please know it is such a pleasure to be here with you and to serve you right where you are in your relationship at this point in time. We're Tom and Stacy Bartley. We are the hosts of Love Shack Live. And if by chance you need help and support in your relationship right now, like this is what we do, come join us on the Better Love Club. It's probably the best, best place for you to begin because here's the reality. We simply wait too long when we know we need help. We wait a long, long time. And unfortunately, what ends up happening is we lose the ability to reconnect with our partners because we need to survive ourselves. Don't let that happen. Okay? And if by chance there's a conversation you want us to have on the show about love, sex, and relationships, we'd love to hear from you. You. You can reach out to us at any time by going to our website, stacybartley.com and simply share with us your conversation or your question. So that's it. A special thank you for to you, our listener. We so appreciate you being here with us, helping us grow the show, sharing the show. If you have someone that you feel like would benefit from this episode, please feel free to pass it along. I guess that's it.

We'll see you soon.

Bye.

Bye for now.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.