#108: Don't Let The Holidays Derail Your Relationship: Tips & Tricks For Managing Conflict

I think it's important for us to disclose that on the front side. You know, it's okay for us to say, hey, we're going home for the holidays. I know we're not in a great place, but I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't bring these conversations up to our family. You know, that would mean the world to me and just realize how I phrase that. It's, it's a sincere request.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter most when it comes to love. And we're going to have a little bit of fun along the way. I'm Stacy Bartley and I'm here with my co host and lover, Tom. This is episode number 108. We're going to be talking about the upcoming holidays. The. Because we know you're all getting together with a bunch of family members. And for some of you, that may be yay. And for some of you, that may be. Oh, let's talk about.

This is just going to be a mini episode today. We want to give you some love and support around what you can do if you're struggling in your relationship during the holidays or if you have some tough family relationships during the holidays, or both. Dad sent over an article before we started recording today, and one of the sentences in the article was, researchers at a couple's therapist service, Delight Counseling in the UK has revealed that the period spanning from November 15 to December 15 has some of the highest rates of breakup and divorce in the uk. So my first question is, why do you guys think that is?

Which really caught me by surprise, I might say, because what we're trying to say, you know, we always know that holidays aren't so Hallmark like, but that's kind of what we're kind of led to believe. Like, if we're not Hallmark feeling. I've got a brother who loves Hallmark movies, you know, I mean, so we, it's, it's often very difficult for a lot of us. Like, holidays don't bring that, that association.

Well, or you just feel like you have to grin and bear it. So, yes, yes, you can feel like your relationship is crumbling, but you're like, oh, I just gotta grin and bear it. Get through one last Thanksgiving and one last Christmas and then we'll take care of it at the new year.

And just to recognize whatever your, you know, your cultural or whatever practices Are this is a time of the year where even if you're outside the United States and don't celebrate as we get towards the end of the year, whatever your cultural or religious practices, we acknowledge and honor all of those.

But, yeah, just the holiday season.

Yeah, holiday season doesn't necessarily mean, you know, everything that's portrayed out kind of in the commonplace marketplace place, if you will.

So my answer to your question, Brookie, as to why this is the case is we're coming to the close of a year, right? And anytime we come to a close of anything, there is this place where we kind of go, oh, how am I going to be for the next and up coming year? It causes us to reflect about what's working and what's not working in the principle that we spend so much time talking about in our work called contrast. Like, what works for me, what doesn't. That's contrast. And so it's normal for us as human beings to get to the close of a year. We start thinking about resolutions, we start thinking about what doesn't work. We start thinking about what we want and what we'd like to do differently to improve our lives and basically our level of happiness or fulfillment in our relationships. And we make up some decisions about that, Right. We think that maybe what I want isn't possible in this relationship. So that means one thing, right? That means I got to let it go and I got to move on to have what I want or to embark on happiness or I enroll myself in the. Of just kind of eking out another year, you know, letting go of what it is I really want. Just try and do the best with what I have. Those are very common narratives that happen with inside of us. With inside of us. When we come to the close of any year and we start embarking on a new one. I would also say that as a. As a human race, you know, we have all been through a tremendous amount of upheaval in the last couple of years. I find that people are exceptionally excited about the holidays and the re gathering and the reconnection that is going to happen with some of our old traditions that we've had to put on hold for the last two years because of COVID you know, this worldwide pandemic piece. And that also is going to, like, heighten our sense of contrast by saying, gosh, I've survived Covid. I've. I've brought myself to this place and point in time, and I'm going to make some dramatic, radical decisions about how I'm going to go forward in my life. So I, I feel like specifically this year, we're having a crescendo, those two human experiences. One is, I lived, I survived, I'm going forward. I'm not putting up with this anymore. I'm out of here. Or, hey, I've lived, I've survived. And you know what? I'm willing to bring to the table a lot of things that just haven't been working, quite frankly, for a really long time. But let's roll up our sleeves and let's address them. And so I think this year in particular is going to be a huge year like that.

Next, I want to talk about. We received an email from a company who is giving the normal advice that we usually see, especially now, where boundaries are such a big topic in our line of work. And just in general, everyone's talking about how to set boundaries. So a lot of times people say, experts say, you know, if you have toxic family, then don't go home for the holidays. That's, I would say that's generally what is given as the advice for what to do. Well, that's not possible for everybody. Not everybody can just not go home for the holidays. What if you're a child? You know, what if you have to. So what advice do you give in that situation?

I think, I think what we need to do in regards to this idea is it's okay to connect with our family, but we don't necessarily have to do it in the old traditional ways. And so I just want to expand our thinking around this a little bit. It doesn't have to be, we go and we spend the whole day and right. We, we put ourselves through this repeated pattern of this is how it's going to play out again and again and again. And I've just got to somehow muster up the courage and the fortitude to do it.

It's in like 14 hours and just be tortured the entire time.

There are some, some ways to do it differently, but still reconnect with your family so it doesn't have to be this all or nothing conversation, which is where we start to go as human beings when we think about going home for the holidays or not go home for the holidays. You know, spend time with the family, don't spend time with the family. We think those are the two options. I want you to understand that you can create something completely different. For example, we could meet for, you know, coffee and pie in the morning, and then I'm going to go and have dinner with just my intimate family by ourselves. Or we could meet for dessert afterwards or we could do a little lunch in the day after, right? The holidays or the day after Thanksgiving or Christmas to just do our own thing. We don't even have to sit around and eat. We could go do something completely different. My mom used to do this girls luncheon where we would meet all dressed up in our Christmas dresses and we would all go to a place where it was decorated, really fun for Christmas and we would put on our special dresses and we would go and spend a couple of hours and then we would all go home. There were also other times where we didn't do the luncheon at all. We just got together and did a craft or a cookie bake off or a cookie exchange. And so I want you to realize that you can carve this up in regards to what it is you feel like you have the capacity to give to the very best of your ability. Sometimes it's only going to be an hour, sometimes that might be two or three hours. But switch up the activity. It doesn't have to go like it traditionally goes. And that takes you out of this place of having to go, am I going to go through the drill and the tradition this year or am I going to. Am I not?

Let's say though, for those I'm listening. Think I heard you, Stacy. But you know what? That's none of that's an option for me. I don't want to go there. I'm going to choose to go to wherever I'm going. Help me navigate that rather than not talking to Uncle Joe because he's a. You know what, he drives me absolutely crazy. Help me navigate being at this gathering. I'm going to choose to show up. How do I, how do I not, you know, become a hot mess?

Well, I think the age old device is don't let it happen. Right. In fact, there was even some advice that I want to highlight here. Brookie, I don't know if you were going to bring this up, but it's like you be the host for the event, that way you have control over the situation. And I'm going to say, okay, now let's just let that play out for a minute. Do you have control if you're the host or does the shit show just go down in your house?

Exactly.

Right. Just because you're the one hosting does not mean that you have control over the emotional outplay of who's showing up in your home. So what do you do then? You know, sounds really great, right? It's great advice on the Front side. But how do you navigate that for real? Because that's not going to happen.

You can't control how other people act. That's not. That's unrealistic.

Yes. Even in your own home. So. So what else have you got for me? Right, that. And I want you to also challenge your idea of what control is. Control is not something that you can prevent somebody else from doing. Control just means I have lots of, lots of tools in my tool belt to navigate whatever might come up. That's, that's having the confidence, or shall we say, the sense of control with, inside of myself that we're going to be okay. So what does that mean? Like, like what am I talking about here? Right. One of my favorite questions is if a family member starts to go down an old path, because sometimes we view getting together for the holidays as a place where, you know, we get a few drinks on us and then all of a sudden the things that we've been wanting to say for a really long time start to come up. Sometimes just simply reminding your family member that this isn't the time or place to do that and that if you want to have this conversation, let's do it outside of the gathering. Because the gathering is for us just being together, having a good time and sharing a good experience. So that gives us step one, create the intention. Right? Set the tone. If you are the one hosting, set the tone of, hey, I want this to be great. I want us to come, I want us to enjoy our traditional dishes, and I want us to be able to enjoy each other's company. This is not the time or place to, you know, heal from family wounds and trauma. This is not the time and place to call people on their contradictive expressions about, you know, what they discount or agree with or not agree with. This is not the time to debate politics. You know, it is not the place and time to decide how you should have been treated as a child with your, your parents. Right? This is, this is a time for us to get together and be in the here and now and just enjoy being together. If you want to do those other things, those are great things. We're just not going to do them now. There's going to be a better time and place for that to happen. And I would suggest you probably better to get some support and probably better for you to digest down what it is you want to have happen in the positive regard by bringing this up in the first place. Don't just lay a bomb, you know, on the, on the dining table. Right. That nobody knows how to deal with. Take some time and think about that. And let's just say, okay, let's flip the rolls for a minute. Let's say you are the person who didn't drop the bomb, but somebody did drop a bomb, and all of a sudden all of you are sitting there going, oh, my gosh, what do we do next? I want to give you a couple of things that you can do, and that is, thank you so much for sharing that. We're not going to be addressing or talking about that here and now. There'll be a better time and place for that to happen. And then you just pick up the conversation and you move on. Or you've set the tone for the day and you said, hey, reiterate it. My desire for us to all be together today is this. Let's allow that to happen. Right? Will you please just stop? Let's talk about something else. You can just talk about it head on. If the person persists. A question that I love is, are you against us having a great time today? Oh, that's good because that's what's happening. So please stop. Are you against us having a great time today? And then worst case scenario, you would say, okay, I'm sorry, I love that you showed up today, but we're going to have to ask you to leave because you don't seem like you want to create what it is we're all wanting to create together, which is a great time together. And you're going to keep fighting for that. You're going to keep. Keep advocating for. We're here to have a great time together, not to vent our past woes. Right. Places where I'm frustrated. Places where. Right. I feel like I've been betrayed or disappointed either by my siblings or by my parents. We are coming together to enjoy each other's company in the here and now.

For those of you that. For those of you that want to have Stacy for hire, Brooke will be putting up a landing page to come to your family gathering and to be able to mediate that I've been.

I can imagine a question that someone will ask on if we posted this as a TikTok. Someone might say, I'm tired of parenting my parent. I'm tired of parenting my siblings. I'm tired of parenting our family friend in this way by continually having to remind them these things that you're saying, which. The things you're saying are great. But what do you say to the people who are feeling that way?

I'm saying, for you to acknowledge yourself and realize you have a much higher emotional IQ than your siblings and your parents do. And that's why you're insistently placed in that role or consistently placed in that role. So the first thing I'm going to say is, give yourself some credit. I also know it's exhausting, but if nobody else has the ability or the capacity to do it, who's going to do it? Are we just going to let this flat line into a shit show? I mean, you can. You can just say, I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore. Y' all figure it out. I'm gonna go out for my Thanksgiving dinner and just, you know, please don't leave the place in disarray. You could certainly do that, right? But I would say maybe embrace and accept that this is a wonderful gift that you have that will serve your family right. Hold it in a positive light instead of an exhausting light of why does it always have to be me? I don't have a question for that, other than you've probably seen a lot, you've probably grown a lot, you've probably done a lot of work on yourself. And so you see and understand things literally from a place that your loved ones do not. And that's going to consistently place you in a position where you're going to have to do your best to contribute where you can. And this also might be, if we go back to point number one, I think that we made, maybe you need to limit this year's, you know, experience. If you're feeling depleted already, you don't want to monitor six hours of gathering and dinner and turkey and dessert and the game, you know, the football game. You. You only have an hour or two in you to do this this year. That's okay. Then set it up differently. Set it up for a win and set it up according to what you have to contribute to the family that obviously you keep inviting over because you love and about them, right? So, you know, set it up for a win for you because you're what we call the peacemaker, the braveheart in your family. And sometimes, yes, you know, that is a burden. But also remember that if you're the only one that's kind of overseeing that situation, you're the only one that knows that know how and the capacity to do so. So good on you for doing the growth and the understanding and the practice that's required in order to be in that position in the first place and take good care of yourself.

All right, now I want to switch perspectives a little bit and talk to the people who are really struggling in their relationship. And they're not necessarily worried about managing the family situation. They're worried about how they're going to get through it as a couple and how they're not going to. You know, maybe they want to keep it a secret that they're having struggles and they just want to survive the day of Christmas or the day of Thanksgiving, but just gritting their teeth and getting through it. What are. What are your tips for people in that situation?

I think it's important for us to disclose that on the front side. You know, it's okay for us to say, hey, we're going home for the holidays. I know we're not in a great place, but I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't bring these conversations up to our family. You know, that would mean the world to me and just realize how I phrase that. It's. It's a sincere request. You're disclosing as specific as you possibly can. Please don't bring up, you know, these things. I'm just not in a place where I'm willing to take that on, you know, with my family, have that conversation on the front side. And then this is also a great practice in regards to what we talked about in our last episode for. For the play and novelty piece. Going home for the holidays is a great opportunity, especially when you're challenged. It's a day where we can literally practice putting our problems on the shelf and going back home for the holidays and enjoying it to the very best of our ability. Right. What are some of those things that the together we do enjoy together? Even if it's as simple as just the food and the dishes and the traditions that we've created over the time that we've been together? Allow yourself to enjoy that and put those problems on the shelf for a day. That's a really good practice. So that would be my twofold suggestion to you. Number one, again, just to summarize, have the conversations that you don't want to have come up around the dinner table with family, have the agreement on those kinds of conversations before you go, and sincerely ask, please, let's not bring this up, let's not bring this up. Let's not talk about that. You know, I'm just really not in a place to go there. Can we do that? Can we do that together? And what are the conversations you don't want me to bring up or be mindful of for you so that we can create this unified front Even though we're not doing so great. And then practice that, put the problems on the shelf, go home, enjoy the day to the very best of your ability. Those would be two suggestions.

What about for couples who have children and really want to make this season special for them, but are really struggling in their marriage and they don't want to have that, you know, affect the holiday season for their kids, but they're really struggling and they don't know what to do. How would you speak to a couple in that situation?

Well, the, the good news, bad news here is that we show up in our relationships as good as we feel. So as much as we might want this to go really, really well, if I'm in a a wrestle with myself and I'm feeling like a hot mess, I am going to act out. So in that particular case, I would just impress upon you the importance of getting help and support. Support. Like if you really want this to go better, then get some help and support and some learning and some practice that you don't have access to right now. That's going to be your best bet in this going better. Thinking that you're just going to be able to strong arm it and get through the holidays when you're wrestling with yourself, that's not going to happen. You know, we're probably going to drink more, which brings our filter down. So we say things that, you know, we typically wouldn't say. We bring up things in inappropriate ways and inappropriate times and then everybody gets disappointed and, and the k let down and I'm let down and you're let down. I mean, like, don't go there. Don't elude yourself into thinking that this is just going to be better because we've decided it's going to be better based on what? Get some help and support with this. Because you know what? The same things that have played out year and after year after year are going to probably be the same things that get played out again. If we don't learn how to do it differently, we don't come from a better place of understanding.

I want to plug the Better Love club. Go to thebetterloveclub.com It's a great place where you could go learn some things that you don't have access to right now.

Amen to that. We are funny as human beings. We don't know what we don't know. But we also can make up some grand illusions that, oh, it's going to go better because, because, because, because. But yet everybody's still wrestling with the Same old stuff we've been wrestling with for 10 years.

And also I want to point out, but if you're listening, you have a month until Christmas and a month until New Year's Eve, which is the official end of the holiday season. That's a really long time to grin and bear it and a really long time to expect yourself to not act out or not let your kids know what's going on or act like everything's okay when you feel like your world is crumbling. So why not get a little bit of support in the meantime so that you don't have to do that for the next month and then forever after that too?

That's probably the best way to ensure it's going to go.

I would say the good old cross your fingers and hope it goes well. That's, you know what, there's a lot better option. There really is. And that can, as Brooke just described, that 30 to 40 days can feel like months.

An eternity.

An eternity. Yes. It doesn't have to be that way. And we'll be there right with you to help you.

And my last question I have about these situations is I also know that the holiday season can make a lot of people feel lonely, even if you're in a relationship because you're seeing all the so called happy couples and the holiday Hallmark movies. And if you're lonely in your relationship or if you're single, this can be a really lonely time and make you feel really bad about yourself. So what do you say to, to people in those situations?

I would say reach for those things that you used to love to do around the holidays. Do it for yourself. Right. What did you love to do? And don't buy into that idea that, oh, my partner won't want to do that, so I better not do it.

Or I'm not with a partner now and I can't do it.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, that's, I mean, that's true.

That's. Those things are not true at all. So get busy doing the things that, you know, you used to love to do around the holidays. And if you have to know, go by yourself or you get to conjure up somebody different, a child, a friend, a neighbor. Yeah, get, get busy doing those things that you long to do and don't buy into the story that you can't do it anymore because of, you know, feeling that that's an important piece. The holidays are a wonderful place to be. They open up new doors and inspire us. They say it's the, the most wonderful time of the year. Because it re inspires us to create good, to think of others, to be kind, to gift. And yes, it's true. It a tremendous amount of disappointment. We're coming to the end of the year. We can start to, you know, we do as human beings evaluate, you know, what's working for us and what doesn't. We also have some challenging situations with all the relationships that we are connected to in our lives. So going home from the holidays can bring up a lot of stuff for ourselves and a lot of stuff for the people that we are in relationship with. And for this reason, it would be a really incredible opportunity for you to come in and get support and to learn some new things and new ways of doing things, just to expand your perspective of what might be possible inside the Better Love Club. So now is a really great time to get started with that. On that note, I feel like what we need to do is kind of turn a corner. Because a song that I love this time of year and I keep trying to find a better one and I can't. So I'm just going to dive right into the, you know, can you feel it? Moment. Is the song by Josh Groban, Thankful. Like it is just a song. When I think about it, it kind of makes me emotional. I just think we overlook also the importance of gratitude and what it can bring in our lives. And I think there's not a song on the planet that I've stumbled across as of yet that causes me to stir up all those.

I believe I sent that to you. You're right. This is the time of our anniversary. I choose, I say this is our anniversary because I reached out to you on Thanksgiving weekend, the Saturday, and I shared that song. And I would agree there's. I play that song repetitively over and over every holiday season and we'll be bringing that out here very soon in my Pandora and listening to it's magnificent.

Well, and I just want to touch and highlight on the power of gratitude. You know, around the holidays we say, oh, be grateful. You know, what are you grateful for? And, and I think sometimes that can become annoying. Like, ah, you know, why, why, why do I have to go there? That's ridiculous. So I, I thought as we close this conversation and wish you a happy holiday season, that we would talk about why gratitude is so effective. And the reason why it works so well is that it literally wires and fires pathways in our brains that directly connect to our pleasure centers. It also releases the dopamine and the serotonin that causes to feel happy. As human beings. And not only does it release it, do it, it does it really fast. Like it's almost faster than doing anything else. If we could think about things that we're genuinely feeling grateful for, we get an immediate release of those hormones that then circulate through our bodies for a longer period of time. It also has the capacity to reduce a lot of fear and anxiety. So if you're going home for the holidays or you're approaching the holidays and you notice that you have some fear and anxiety, play around with this. Just start to think about things that you're. You're thankful for, about previous holidays or about that family that's so crazy and wild and that I don't know what to do with. Right. Like why do you keep going home? Why do you wish to continue to connect with them? And that's going to bring up the ideas and the experiences that you are grateful for. What does it give you? Who are you because of it? Right. Sometimes having a family that's really challenged you helps you to see how different you are from them. Be grateful for that. And then it really helps us heal from grief and trauma. Like gratitude is that place where we can step into when we genuinely feel it. That helps us feel better fast. That's the gift of it. And it can be done in such simple ways. It can be done in keeping a gratitude journal. It can be done in just taking a moment to think about things that you're grateful for right now. It can be done in sending a thank you thank, a little thank you note to somebody that's done something. And even simpler than that, it could be just an intention to say thank you to the simple things that are playing out in your relationship right now from strangers or from the people that you love. Think about the places that you're thankful for, things that are happening in your life. You know, the simple opening of a door at the grocery store. Thank you so much. It releases those same things I just talked about up. So gratitude is powerful. Okay, Embark on it.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

It's getting serious. 12 years. I think we're looking good.

We'll be back with you next week.

Yeah.

Bye bye.

Bye bye for now.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the love shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though. And join us for another edition of Love Shack live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.