#110: Apologies 101: Clean Up Emotional Messes in Relationships and Get Back to the Good Stuff

We show up as good as we feel in our relationship. So if I'm feeling bad or I'm shutting down or I'm withdrawing, those are things that I want to address inside of myself because it's going to prevent me from showing up in a way in my relationship that I truly want to. And that's really all I have control over. So I want to pay attention to those things and I want to encourage you to pay attention to those things.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter most while having a little bit of fun along the way in our relationships. I'm Stacy Bartley and I'm here with my co host and lover, Tom. It's a pleasure to be here with you today. This is episode 110 and we're going to be talking about how to clean up an emotional message, AKA an apology. How is it that sometimes, and we get these questions a lot, hey, I've really made a mess. It's my fault. I've screwed it up. But I can't get my person to listen or understand or turn around and allow me to really deliver this heartfelt apology. And so we wanted to have a conversation today about apologies, how to do them, how we recommend our clients do them. And remember, we see clients from around the world and from all different walks and circumstances and there's lots of messes there to clean up. But here's the thing. I want to normalize here. As human beings, we really are mess making machines. Like, it's not about not making a mess in our lives. It's about knowing how to come back around and clean those mistakes up quickly, effectively and efficiently so that we can get back to experience feeling better and we can get back to those moments in our relationships that we also crave and long for.

Yeah, I would say the more that you can really dial down on this, this process, and we're going to lay it right out for you today, the faster you can get through the mess and get back to the good stuff. So, I mean, I would say the only difference between Stacy and I and anybody, everybody else out there perhaps, is because we're really good at cleaning up our messes.

Yep.

Because gosh knows we create a lot of them just like everybody else.

Just like everybody else. But we, we really focus down and double down on cleaning them up fast and efficiently, effectively so that we can get back to the aspects of our relationship that we enjoy the most, and that really is the goal. So sometimes we feel like we've been a failure. If we make a mess or we do it wrong or we didn't catch it on the front side, we didn't know better. But these are all just signs that you're human and that we figure things out as we go, as we walk this journey of life. And so as much as you possibly can, I want you to give yourself and your partner some grace around this idea that we really are messy as human beings because it is so very true. And, and we can gain some grace on a sigh of relief when we can just admit that that's the. That's the truth. We're not supposed to get it right all the time. We're not supposed to be perfect and know all the answers. On the front side, looking back, sometimes that's difficult for us because what we don't realize is that the future has been played out and you're looking back knowing what the future is as opposed to having to make the call or the decision about how you're going to handle things when you don't know what the future is going to be. And that's just true for all of us. So we're going to make a call that later we're going to go, oh man, why did I say that? Or why did I do that? Or why didn't I know better? How come I didn't catch that on the front side? And quite honestly, our partners can, you know, in their own upsets make us feel like we should have been able to do that, which isn't if you didn't catch it, you didn't catch it. Right. So there's some grace on both sides that needs to be be extended there. So let's step into how do you really clean up emotional mess? Like, what does it take to help everyone let it go, especially the person who's extending the apology. There really are some critical steps that need to be followed for you to truly know you've done all that you can do. And there's a key there. When you know you've done all you can do, then you gotta let it go. But we want you to know and have some assurance of what all you can do really is. And so today in the Shalove shack, we're going to give it to you step by step by step. And here's by the way, it's best to begin the practice of cleaning up your messes sooner rather than later. But I do want you to know that even if there are messes that you haven't known how to clean up until now, it's okay for you to go ahead and clean those up, too. Like maybe it's been months or even years since you've been able to clean up a mess that you emotionally made long ago. And that's okay. There's never a better time to. To do it than right now. And I hope that through these steps you'll get into the idea that sooner is always better. But knowing that you're probably not having this conversation or haven't had this conversation prior to this moment, listening to us right now with you, it's okay to go ahead and clean up all the other things that you've done in the past that have been maybe needing to be cleaned up.

So those might be some of those. Maybe those kind of doozies that we've kind of tucked away that we need to brush off and pull into these frameworks we're going to share.

Yeah, well, and, and here's some signs that maybe they're lingering and still hanging around. And so you might want to consider cleaning up the mess as opposed to just kind of to continue to. To bury them in the ethers and the cockles of your own heart, because it really is never too late. And so some signs that you need to clean up some emotional messes are the obvious. You keep obsessing about it like you can't seem to let it go. You think about it, you kind of maybe have some nightmares about it. You're afraid that somebody might, you know, under. See through you, see through the truth. It's kind of just lurking around and haunting you every now and again from time to time. That's a great sign that you need to clean up a mess. And much easier than hoping and praying and crossing your fingers that it's not just going to be revealed or uncovered. Number two, you. You feel really bad about it, what you said, what you did, how you handled it. And you've made up a story about why it is okay for you to have done what you've done. But, you know, at the end of the day, you still feel really bad about it. That's a really great sign that you probably just want to clean up the emotional mess and move on for yourself as well.

That's for, like when you share something verbally and then you think, God, I probably could have said that a little.

Better or I kind of handled that better, you know? Yeah, for sure. And and now I'm just gonna, you know, chuck it off as though, yeah, it was no big deal. And I'm not going to address it. I'm just going to kind of pretend like, okay, for me to do that, hopefully nobody will notice. Well, you know, if you're feeling. If you're feeling unsettled about it, that's all you need as far as evidence that you need to clean up an emotional mess. And then as you look back, you know, there's. There's nothing like looking back. And unfortunately, as human beings, because we are messmaking machines, oftentimes when we look back, we really kick ourselves on the fanny for what we see and what we discover when the future has actually played out. And when we see those things in the future looking, those are really great things for you to pay attention to, because they're things that show you, gosh, this is something I want to get better at. This is something I want to pay attention to. This is something that I want to improve about me, about us, about our relationship, and about how I handle things. If there are by chance things you look back and go, oh, man, how come I handled it like that? Well, don't kick your fanny about not knowing better. Then do it now. Implement it right now in your life going forward. Make a promise and a commitment to yourself that that will be the deal. And this is so important that if you feel unsettled about any interaction that you've had, whether it was something you said or something that you did or something that you missed, when you catch it, at any point in time, all you need to do is go through these steps, and then you can let it go and move on. And I do this consistently. And even if I'm saying, hey, I need to clean something up with you, and Tom will say, I didn't take it that way at all. It was no big deal for me. You really. I didn't translate that well. Listen, just let me go through this process because I'm really doing it so I can let it go. That would be such a huge gift to me, and I'm so thankful that it didn't translate the way that I thought maybe it did with inside of myself. But I need to be able to go through this process so that I can let it go. If you would just please allow me the few minutes to do so and.

I can share with you on the receiving end of that, I think, wow. To me, that's just an indication that someone, in this case, my. My partner and wife, is wanting to really you know, get better at this thing we call love. And so, like, it just increases my respect and. And love for her. So again, and that could be the same for you. So even if, you know, whoever you're coming clean with, so to speak, in this process, we're going to share with you in a few moments. You know, to me, it's like, wow, even, you know, the. The respect goes up, you know, because I'm not even holding, in a way. I'm not demanding that you come clean.

And I'm doing it so that I can continue to show up and clean up my mess, so that I can continue to show up good in my relationship to the very best of my ability. Because after all, remember, that's what we bring to our relationships, is you. And we feel as good as we feel. That's how we show up. We show up as good as we feel in our relationship. So if I'm feeling bad or I'm shutting down or I'm withdrawing, those are things that I want to address inside of myself because it's going to prevent me from showing up in a way in my relationship that I truly want to. And that's really all I have control over. So I want to pay attention to those things, and I want to encourage you to pay attention to those things, too. I have some super tips for you that I want you to keep in mind. But I'm thinking, actually we're going to just go to the steps first. Let's give you the six steps that we walk our clients and ourselves through, quite frankly, and then we'll talk about the super tips on the. The backside and why they're so important. And so the first step that I want to encourage you to do is to take some time when you're feeling like you want to clean up a mess and you want to get clear about what your part is. This is often a very missed step. We don't think that we want to take some time and really get clear about what it is my part is. We just kind of start blurting out, hey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know this didn't go well. You know, please forgive me. Let's move on. Can we just move on now? I've said I was sorry. What are you expecting? You know, come on, come on, come on. And we just want to get through it as quickly as possible. And I want to impress upon you that actually when it comes to a sincere apology and cleaning up a mess, and that's really what I'm talking about, an apology is not simply just saying, I'm sorry. We're cleaning up an emotional mess. And when we're cleaning up an emotional mess, we want to make sure that we've cleaned it up so we can be done with it once we're through it. So sometimes slow is actually fast. And I want you to think about this metaphorically in terms of, like, a physical mess. You know, if we're going to clean up the mess that's been made, then let's take the time to clean it up now so we can be done with it. We can put it in the garbage can and it's done. We can let it go. And we don't realize that that's our goal with emotional messes as well. We want to clean it up. We want to clean it up effectively and efficiently so that we can be done with it and we can move on with life. And so getting clear about what your part of the mess is is really important because we can't just throw out an apology and expect to get through it and then really have cleaned up the mess. It doesn't work like that. There's still, like, these lingering parts and pieces that may be lurking, right? And then we start taking that metaphoric mess and kicking it in the corners and under the furniture, and we hope that nobody notices, and we hope that we can just go on with life. And you don't want to do that, like. Like handle it and then be done with it. And so the questions that I'm going to invite you to reflect upon when you are having those feelings that you need to clean up an emotional mess is, number one, what is it that upset you? Right. What is it that happened that upset you? Essentially, what hurts for you, because that's going to become important. Those are things that you're going to want to talk about, because to just say I'm sorry when I said or did something that really fired me off needs to be discovered and uncovered as well. You're cleaning up your side, and when you're done cleaning up your side, there might be some things that you want to talk about or understand from your partner side so that you can get better at this relationship dance that we're doing. So it's important for you to understand what was it that upset you? And then number two, how did you react? Right. Did you react in a way that you feel good about? Probably not, if you're wanting to clean up an emotional mess. Which takes us to number three, looking back over the situation, what is it you wish you would have done instead of what you did? How did you want to handle this? Now that the heat of the moment has passed, I'm not so emotionally fired up and my emotional back is not pressed against the wall. Like, what is it I wish I would have done? Now that I'm kind of in a state where I understand more about what I'm feeling, I understand more about the situation, and here's what I wish I would have done. Because once you're clear on this part of your mess, you can actually step into number two. So, again, what's upset you? How did you react? And looking back, what do you wish you would have done instead of what you did? And you know that there were things that you don't feel good about because that's why you want to clean up the emotional message. So number two is you set the stage. And setting the stage is you're priming the space or the feeling of safety so that we can keep the defenses down when we're extending an apology. And here's a wonderful example I'm going to share with you so that you can use it in your relationship and life right now, cleaning up a mess as well. And here it is. I've been thinking about what happened, and you specifically fill in the void. It could be yesterday, last night, a few minutes ago, three months ago, a year ago. So again, I've been thinking about what happened. Put in your time frame. And I want to clean up my mess. My request is to please hear me out. And then I'd like to hear what you have to say, too. Deal. And it's basically just saying, I want to clean this up. This is what I'm intending to do with you, and you're noting it very specifically. And that takes us to step three, where the specifics are so important. An apology that just goes, okay, I'm sorry, all right, let's move on. Let's go on. It's not going to cut it because we're wanting something that helps us understand and let us know that you get what it is. That hurt my feelings. That was a sense of betrayal for me or that really was unsettling to me.

And do you think most people or some of us will step into that kind of general apology? Because we either or several reasons it terrifies us. We're really afraid, or we have no idea how to go through a more specific process?

Yeah, well, yeah, absolutely. I think we don't take the time to really think about how to clean up a mess. We're just trying to get through it. And we really have a difficult time as human beings taking responsibility for what it is we did. Right. I'm wrestling with those uncomfortable feelings. So I just want it to pass really quickly instead of realizing, no, no, no. The real gift is if you'll dive into those uncomfortable feelings, you'll be able to clean it up once and for all and feel so much better about you as a person. And so it's important that we get specific, not only for your person. It's going to make the world of difference in the apology, but for yourself, for yourself. Okay. Remember, we can validate ourselves and how we feel and who we feel we are, even when it's difficult by just simply getting specific and telling the truth about what it is for us. Okay. So in this step three, state what you did. Like, do it as specific and as honest as you possibly can. When I blank when I said this, when I reacted like this, when I did. Blah. Don't try and minimize it. You just. You did it. So own that you did it. And say it succinctly and specific.

When I did not show up at your party.

Yep, gotcha. And I maybe did or said. Then you note the behavior.

Gotcha.

I want you to know I'm sorry. That is those two critical pieces. When this happened and I did or said this, know that I am so sorry. You're essentially identifying what it is you're cleaning up. You're identifying the mess. Right. So I have an idea that's coming to me, or not an idea, but a memory of when I was driving the car and I was getting distracted and I was going through an intersection. And you become acutely terrified that I was going to, like, drive into the other lane of traffic. And you reacted, oh, my gosh, babe, watch. Ray. And then I got really upset. What are you doing? Oh, my gosh. You shouldn't talk to me like that. You're going to cause me to wreck. You know, it could have dedralled our entire day. And in that moment, we paused. And in nanoseconds, I was able to do the first step of getting clear. What's my part? How did I react looking back? How do I wish I would have handled this? And I said, you know what? You were afraid that I was going to drive us into traffic. And I was distracted, wasn't I? I was really distracted. And then you scared me. And I'm sorry I reacted the way that I did. So when I reacted, when you called me out on that, when I reacted, I'm sorry for that and we cleaned it up in like 22 seconds. And Tom said, yeah, you're right. I could have handled that better, too. I shouldn't have yelled and screamed. I was just afraid. I'm sorry. And it was done. It was over with. Could have derailed our entire weekend in previous relationships. It had derailed our entire weekend. Now that's a really simple thing. Sometimes they're bigger, right? Sometimes they're bigger. Like, babe, the day that you didn't make the birthday party and we expected you to come and, and you kept saying you were going to come and then you came at the last minute.

And we just shared that actually, at a dinner party. This seems to be coming up. This is a recurring demonstration how to clean things up. Actually, I can't remember. We weren't sharing it from that vantage point, but it was a powerful share amongst our friends. And everyone really said, wow, that was. That was important.

So if you were to implement step three, when blank happened and I did or said blank, I want you to know that I'm sorry.

So when I didn't show up for our granddaughter's dinner, when I said I was going to, and then I said I was, and I continue to delay you when you would text me, I want you to know I'm really sorry.

Yeah. And that makes such a difference when we can just get specific and play that in. So then step four takes us to state what you understand you could have now done differently. What I wish I would have done instead is, and this is where we start to clean up the mess. So step three is actually identifying the mess we're going to clean up. And step four is understanding the correction to that. That's an important piece, too. So what I wish I would have done instead is just said that I.

Am not going to be able to make it. In my case, you know, I had too much going on and I was trying to. To play both sides of the line, if you will, which I do a lot of.

And in my particular case, I should have just drove.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're thinking, yeah, Tom should be driving all the time, not Stacy.

Are we going back to there?

Just kidding. We could have a lot of these in our Italian driving. That was really interesting. A lot of time for this process, that six step process for Italian driving.

We did this a lot. We cleaned up a lot of messes with each other.

Every darn hundred yards is a dang circle. And you don't know when poor people are going. And Siri's not telling you where to go anyway, I'm sorry, I digress there.

So yeah, the what I wish I would have done instead is important because this is the cleaning up of the mess like I've already said. Which takes us to step five, which is commit to the correction. I commit to doing blank in the future instead of what I did now.

Let me just, I'm just having a thought and maybe, you know, if you're out there you may be thinking like in my case. So I over committed and I kept saying I was going to come and I didn't and I said what I should. So you know, state step four. Excuse me? State what you now understand and could have done differently, what I wish I would have done and just come clean and said, babe, you know what? I just, I'm just not going to be able to make it, you know, is that, that may seem like counterintuitive because you're not really, are you? You're apologizing. But maybe that's not the apology that your partner is looking for, the apology.

That your person is looking for. And we'll get into this in the super tips, but they're wanting to see what it is that hurt them and that you see and understand what that was. It's not even so much about what you do. They're wanting to that you understand for them what it is that hurt their feelings or caused them to feel betrayed. And then they can let it go. And until you do that piece, they can't let it go. It's like no, no, no, no. And we'll fight for that. No, no, no, you're not seeing this part right here. You're missing this part right here. I need you to hear, I need to hear that you understand that because then you understand where I'm coming from. And that's what we're really fighting for at the end of the day. Okay, so it's that, that here's what I did in step three is very important and so is step four. Because here's what I'm going to do going forward. This is more for you as you improve how it is you show up and govern yourself as well as make the corrections in your relationship so that your relationship improves over time. I mean, that's the idea, right? You want it to improve over time. We want to understand and get to know ourselves and each other better and this helps us do that. And so you're going to state what you wish you would have done instead. And then in step five, you're going to commit to what you're going to do instead, and then everybody understands. Okay, yeah, that's going to work. Yeah, that. That will take us where we need to go. Thank you so much. That's a great idea. I commit to doing blank in the future instead of what I did. A step five. So in your particular case, what would that have been?

I commit to, you know, being fully honest with you, even though it may disappoint you and disappoint our granddaughter, you know, instead of what I did.

And that's beautiful because it would be better for us to know and understand that on the front side. And this is often the case sometimes when we try and over commit and overextend ourselves in an effort to be all things to all people, we end up making a bigger mess than if I would have just come clean on the front side. That was certainly the case in this particular situation. But it happens a lot. You know, there are things that we think about or that we want to do and we want to explore. And then if we feel like our person doesn't want to go there, we shut it down and we're done with the conversation there. So then we'll do it for on the backside. We'll just do it and hope that they never find out.

So.

Which is always going to bring us back to a place of going, oh, man, I should have just told you that on the front side, like in infidelity or in, in emotional affairs or, you know, addiction, overworking, overextending, anything that we're doing to cope. You know, as we work through these conversations in my office, there's always a moment where it's like, yeah, I should have just told you. I should have just told you that I was unhappy. I should have just told you that this wasn't working for me. I should have told you that I was just struggling. I should have told you that that didn't work for me because that would be such the easier route rather than what.

What just came to me was that, is it fair to say that, like. And, you know, we know you and I know, and maybe some of our listeners do, so, you know, this work balance has always been a big one for me. So I guess what I'm trying to articulate here, and I can make it tighter as we go along. Might we have clean up our messes? Might we have some concentration in areas that maybe are the biggest challenge for us. Is that a reasonable insight that.

Give me an example.

Well, I mean, like this thing with our granddaughter where I, you know, so I have A problem over committed, or maybe I want to kind of be all things to all people, you know, I mean, I just, I'm very loyal and committed to my. Our family and so. But there's over commitment there. So that's a place where I can have. I would say a lot of my messes are in some form of that. So might other people have other forms of these messes and kind of this general concentrated area?

Absolutely. And sometimes what we don't realize is that a lot of a mess has come from wanting to please the people that we live with. We want them to love us and accept us and think of us in the best light. And then when that becomes incongruent with inside of ourselves, like we're struggling with something, a fear, a piece of anxiety or something that I want to do that maybe I feel a little funny about, I sit on the fence and I teeter totter about whether I should, you know, say something or not say something. And then I make the call to just kind of keep it in secret. And here's the thing, it's been my experience and the experience of my clients that I work with that keeping things in secret always tends to backfire because we get tired of keeping a secret, and then somehow or another it gets vetted out anyway. And sometimes it takes a few rounds of us making some serious messes to realize, oh, yeah, okay, I tried to do that again. There it is. So I guess that's what you're saying essentially, right? It's kind of like we have to make a few messes and get our. Our fannies kicked a few times there and let pain teach us that. No, no, no, no. There's a better way here. It's okay for you to disclose that this doesn't work for you, that you're unhappy, that you're struggling, that you need support, that you can't be all things to all people, or that I can't please you in this moment. So. And then we can start to become not only more congruent, but we actually make less messes, which is interesting. You know, I struggled with this one too. Like, babe, I totally relate to you because I too want to please people. I'm a recovering people pleaser myself and wanting to be all things to all people. I found that I was disappointing more people than I was pleasing because I was so overextended. And me myself was a sham. Me myself felt very incongruent with the person that I actually wanted to be. And oftentimes that's what Happens. So this takes me to step six, affirm the vision that you're earnestly striving to co create with your person. And I think this is ofttimes this last step is a step that is often missed, but it is the step that kind of realigns and affirms what it is we're driving for. We have this conversation probably in the very beginning of our relationship where we create a vision of what it is we want to create and do and be and become as a couple and the things that we want to create in the process of it. And then very quickly we stop talking about that vision and we go back to just kind of plotting through the day to day messes of life. And it's very helpful that when we're cleaning up a mess, if you really want to put the icing on the cake, it's this idea of saying I still want to be madly in love with you or I still want to make this relationship as good as it can get, or I still want to hear what it is you have to say because I value you and your. You're important to me too. You know, there's this place where I'm still in it. I made this mess. I've made a mistake. I've done this. I understand. My correction is this. I commit to doing that. And I'm still committed to us. I'm still committed to our relationship. I still love you.

So that would be. Correct me if I'm wrong. That's like, don't forget to splash or spread some fairy dust at the end.

It is fairy dust. But I thought I would leave that for conversation because we have lots of conversations about fairy dust. And, and for those of you who may not be fairy dust. Yeah, yeah. This is something that, that just affirms our vision to our relationship and to our life that I'm still committed to pursuing this with you. And that's important.

Especially after. Well, yeah, especially after what you have just. We've just, you know, shared and are teaching and mentoring people to use that's. And again, that can be an easy one to, you know, I don't need to do that. I've already done this already. Come clean. But you know, like st. That's that, that's that stamp, that's that confirmation like other places. That's what's different than just a general apology because it affirms, you know, your, your, your earnestness and your commitment that this is important. Again, remember you, you always hear us say at the end of the day, we want to be acknowledged. We want to be appreciated, and we want to know that this relationship matters and you matter, and what I'm doing, does it really matter? Yes, it does. You know, and so that's, you know, you can't. I always remind people when I'm talking to me on our clarity calls, you know, you can't overemphasize the simple stuff. You can't over say it. You cannot over say it. None of us gets tired of hearing it.

So true. So let's go through those steps really fast again, and then let's give you some super tips on some things that we want you to keep in mind while using them. Step one is just getting clear about your part and really what you're striving to do here is get specific about your mess, what you did, and what you wish you would have done differently. Because obviously those are going to plug into the rest of the steps. So once you're armed and dangerous with those, you're going to set the stage by simply letting somebody know. I want to clean up a mess, essentially. And what we've given you here is I've been thinking about what happened, and you insert your time frame and I want to clean it up with you. My request is that you please hear me out. And then I would like to hear what you have to say about it as well when I, when I'm done. Deal. And that question, deal on the end is the invitation to say, okay, get their buy in, get their agreement. And then as I step into step three, this is where you, you basically state the mess you made when I, or when blank happened and I did or said this. I want you to know that I'm very sorry. And we're just going to lay it out as specifically and succinctly as we possibly, possibly can. And that takes us to step four. This is what I now know I want to do to clean this up. What I wish I would have done instead is. And again, succinctly, I wish I would have done this. And step five is I'm going to commit to that. And you might be restating what you wish you would have done instead here, but I commit to doing blank in the future instead of what I did. And then six is you're going to affirm the vision, right, about you, about your relationship together as a cohesion. I still want to, you know, pursue our goals and our dreams together. I still want you to know I love you. I, you know, I still want you to know I'm in this. I Still want you to know you matter to me. Whatever that is that you feel like you need to say to reaffirm the vision that the two of you are co creating. I'm still committed to our family. I'm still committed to us. Those are powerful things that you don't want to miss the opportunity to basically affirm again. And if you really want to put like a bonus on this, here's a little bonus step for you. Apologies typically end with some kind of a physical touch. In fact, more often than not, we need the assurance of a hug or a handhold or a tap on my shoulder, a squeeze of my knee to just affirm to me physically. Yes. Okay, we're good. It's okay. I got this. And I think there's your bonus step in those six steps is if there's some kind of a physical action that you feel inclined to do or that has become a part of your relationship more times than not, I would say 98.7% of the time, which is 99% of the time, people, human beings love to embrace after something that they've gone through and they've cleaned it up and we let it go, we hug and, and then it's done, it's over.

And I hope you're hearing, you know, or you're watching, whatever, wherever you're, you know, watching or, you know, wherever you are digesting this. How about that? Sorry, got tongue tied again. And I share. This often is, you know, we don't use fancy words. And I think that's the beauty and power of Stacy's frameworks and her skill sets is they're very, they're very clear, you know, now they may make your armpit sweaty, as we like to say, but they're very clear. And clarity is the gateway to getting through the mess, you know, And I think sometimes we get so caught up in a lot of stuff that doesn't move the needle. So this is refreshingly simple. It may, you know, may challenge you, and that's okay. But the more often you do it, I can assure you, the easier it will become.

Well, I want to address this conversation about vulnerability, because vulnerability, people say, oh, that's so vulnerable. Like, oh, I don't know if I can, like, get that vulnerable. I can really feel, share that.

You're using your nighttime DJ voice right now.

And I, I, it's kind of, it kind of has this idea of, like, done, done, done. Like, if I use vulnerability, like, then there's this tremendous amount of risk on the table. Like, I can't do that, I can't go there. And I just want you to think logically for a minute that actually being vulnerable is not painful. Actually it's the less painful option that you have available to you. Because think about all the things we do instead of being vulnerable. We drop a hint, we tell a lie, we do something in secret, we hope nobody notices. I get offended. I take things personal and really all I need to do is get vulnerable and say this is what I was really hoping for, this is what I expected or this is what I really need. So you tell me which one is less painful and I'm going to propose to you. So not getting vulnerable and asking for what it is you really want specifically succinctly and clearly is the best way through. That prevents us from being weeks, days, months and years in isolation because we don't know how to say what we need to say. It prevents, you know, acting out and creating more and more drama and more and bigger messes, trying to get what you need, you know, because it's, it's fraught with manipulation. Like that's less painful, like nah, it isn't. It really isn't. So I'm going to challenge you to. So yeah, get vulnerable because vulnerability is something you know to be true with inside of yourself. Go with that one. Go with the truth that's congruent with who you know yourself to be and stop all the games and manipulation that are playing out on the backside and all the secrecy. And I promise you, your life is going to play out with far fewer messes and a lot less pain. So get vulnerable. Okay, that's a bit of a soapbox for me. Vulnerability is a good thing. It's the way through. Don't be afraid of it and you're.

Going to be a lot lighter and you're gonna have a skip in your step.

Oh my goodness. So, and then that's my first thought here that I want to share with you and far as far as using these steps. We clean up messes ultimately for our own personal well being so that we can let it go. That's why we want to clean up messes. Yes, we know that our messes affect those that we love, so we hope that that translates to them. But you ultimately do it for yourself. And here's why. When you make up a story to justify something that you did in an attempt to avoid pain, it simply intensifies the pain because you know, you just made up a lie or twisted the truth or threw it back on somebody else because you didn't want to address it. You basically said or did something that you're going to dismiss, you're going to. You're going to criticize, you're going to flip it around, which will cause you to feel really shitty about yourself at the end of the day. Like, regardless of whether you sell it and they buy off on it or not, you and you alone know the intent of why you spun the story in the first place. Was it of pure intent, or was it something to deflect the pain and the frustration that you were feeling that you didn't want to take ownership of? We know the difference. And for that reason, that's the stuff that makes it difficult to lay our heads on our pillows at night in peace, because we're twisting and turning stories and getting really defensive about things that cause us to feel uncomfortable. And even though we sell off a great story about it and get somebody to buy off on it, you and you alone know the truth. And that's what haunts us. Okay, so you want to clean this up for yourself. The second thing I'm going to give you as a super tip is I want you to keep the focus on your part of the mess until you accomplish all of the steps. This is not the time to bring up messes you want your partner to clean up, too. There may be a part two to this, but do not include it as part of these six steps. This will need to be a separate conversation altogether, and we'll go through the steps just the same. But you'll ask your partner if they too, would clean up the emotional mess or they're part of this, because that's something that would be helpful or meaningful to you. But you've got to get through all six steps for yourself first and so that your person can hear what your part is and what you're committing to do differently as we go forward. And then we certainly, as a second part two conversation, could ask and invite your partner to do the same if they're willing. You cannot force somebody to give an apology, because if you do, it's really not an apology. You can say, hey, it would really mean a lot to me if you would clean up your part two when you're ready. Okay? And then you're going to leave it at that. The next thing is when making amends, it's important for you to understand it's not so much about what you do to make it right. Because as human beings, we want to hear you say what you did that hurt us. It's then we can begin to let it go. We now know that you understand the mess that you made with me, and that's what we're fighting for. And so if you know that, then knock it out of the park. This is exactly what I did that I think hurt you, and I'm sorry for that. That. Get as specific as you possibly can in that step. 3 and 4. It's important the next one is. Messes help us to understand what does not work and who we do not want to become. If we are paying attention, messes provide us with our next best step from the contrast experiences of our lives. So if that doesn't work, if that made me feel terrible about who I am, how I said it, what I did, how I showed up, up, then there's a correction there that I want to be mindful of and make that a part of who I commit to becoming as I go forward. That's the value of the experience and the mess in the first place. You have anything you want to say about that?

No, I think that's really clear. And many times it's funny, you know, we work with people and we get to a place where we are asking them to, you know, share with us what they want, and most of us can't at least initially share with yourself and others what you want. So then we just reverse engineer, well, then what is it that you don't want? And it's amazing. Everyone can rattle that off like, you know, buying groceries. And then we just say, okay, now just take everything that you want and then just give us the inverse of that.

Take everything you don't want and give us.

Excuse me. Everything you don't want to give us the inverse of that. Right. So, no, I think that. And it's just funny how that is. And myself included, you know, I mean, Stacy will spend a lot of time with me, I. On this particular thing.

Well. And as we all do, it's. It's difficult sometimes to get to the place where we can advocate for what it is we want and what we need. And in this particular case, I really want to highlight the need to learn from things as you go forward.

Yeah. And that's a much better place, a much more helpful place when we do make a mess. Okay. And then use that contrasting experience and say, okay, gosh, I want to show up in a different regard, specific to that specific mess, and then say, what would I rather do instead? That would be a much better outcome for myself and for my loved one or loved ones.

We make this really complicated, messy. Don't we? Yes, we do, ironically. So here's the next super tip. Making a mess does not give others the license to criticize and belittle you. Sometimes we do that to ourselves too. Like making a mess is human and we learn as we go. So let it be that. Let it be the natural flowing process of getting better at becoming a human being. So it does. If you've made a mess and you've made a huge mistake, even though there might be a lot of emotions around this mistake, it does not give anybody a license to belittle, criticize, minimize you. It is not part of the ability to cleaning up mess. They probably will add to the mess with their own reaction sometimes and their own inability to know what to do next. And so we tend to make a bigger mess until we all kind of calm down, push the brake pedal, and come back and clean up our emotional messes. I just want to throw that in. There is just something as a reminder. We don't have to criticize and belittle ourselves and we make a mess either. Just go through the steps and let it go. Be done with it. Clean it up for yourself and for your partner and allow your partner to do the same. And your kids and your neighbors and your co workers and anybody else that you might be in a relationship with. And my last super tip is this. When someone hurts you, it's important for you to share with them what they did that hurt you. It's also important for you to ask them for what it is you would like them to do Next. Next. Remember, this is a sincere ask, not a punishment. Hey, it's kind of like you stepped on my toe. Will you please move? Believe it or not, 90% of the time, as humans, we are so absorbed in dealing with ourselves, we truly have no idea when we have hurt others. And even less of an idea about what they would need in order to feel better. And so be willing to open up those conversations about, hey, this is what really hurt. This is the part that I really need you to apologize for. And this is what I would love to see as the correction. You can talk about those things if by chance they don't say the part that you need as the receiver of cleaning up a mess that you know would make all the difference in the world. We forget that sometimes these cleaning up messes are very, very specific to us as a human being. There are literally combinations and things that we're longing to hear and things that we're hoping to have happen as cleaning up messes takes place. And so if by chance you're the receiver of someone that you love and that you know in your life cleaning up a mess and they still didn't hit the mark for you, then help them out and say, this is actually the part I'm needing you to apologize for. And here's what would really knock it out of the park for me is if you would be willing to do this and this and this and this. And if you're not in a place that you can do that, then you yourself can go through those six steps of clarity right from, from being in their shoes. And that will help you arrive at those things that you're really longing for to accept and be a part of that apology as well. So any final thoughts on that, babe.

Other than just encouraging you that you know what, step in and follow this. We Spacey spent a lot of time and got very, very specific exactly how she works with our private clients. And I, I assure you that if you just step in and you know, it's probably fair to say that it may not go exactly how you'd like the very first time, just as most things do. But I can also assure you that the more often that you stay with it, you know, and these are the types of exercises and things we will be doing inside the Better Love Club as well. You know, this will be this sense, this strikes me as something that would be a really powerful emotional push up night or maybe several emotional push up nights. Yeah, this is the workout and what they say in CrossFit is the WOD, the workout of the day.

Yeah, it's called the WAD.

The WAD, yes. It's always up on the wall is the WAD. So this will be on the digital wall, but you know, so, and that's starting January 9th, if you're listening to us live.

Yeah, we'd love to have you come and join us there. And we will practice absolutely how to clean up a mess. It's a very important step and I know we've thrown a lot at you and if you need to come back and listen to it again and again, but ultimately come join us on the Better Love Club because not only are we going to learn it and you're going to have a worksheet, but you're also going to get to practice it on our emotional weightlifting nights as Tom had suggested. So go get a drink of water, we're going to turn the corner and we're going to do a little bit of follow the fun here on today's Love Shack. And today's today's love shack is fulfill a fantasy. Just think about a fantasy that you would like to fulfill for your partner. And I've got a few ideas here. And I don't know, babe, maybe it would be fun for me to give you a few ideas about what women would like as a fantasy. And. And maybe you could take the men's part because, you know, that just seems appropriate, don't you think?

Sure.

So do you want to go first or do you want me to.

I'll go first.

Yeah. Geez. Okay. Fulfill my fantasies, baby. Come on.

Run a bubble bath complete with her favorite beverage and a fluffy towel or robe. Or cook dinner for the family. Give her the day off to do whatever she wants and make love to her the way she wants you to.

Did you come up with that, baby? Yes. Well, all right. Here's maybe some fantasy ideas for maybe pleasing your man. Arrange a night out with the guys. That would be fun. Provide a massage. Buy one or give one back rub. Encourage an evening of gaming or sporting events with some special snacks. Like you've really thought this through and you want to make it a special moment where they don't have to wonder whether you're, you know, stewing behind the scenes because they're taking time to do these kinds of things. Watch those football games or basketball games or, you know, gaming incessantly. That you give them a whole afternoon or evening to do that in peace. And know that you're totally cheering them on and supporting them and you're going to provide them with their favorite beverage and snacks along the way. How about this one? Greet him at the door in some high heels and lingerie. That might be kind of fun.

Then you might not want to watch the ball game.

That would be the idea. So we're going to encourage you to try out this. Follow the fun sometime between now and the first of the year.

Our producer may be turning her head right now.

Yeah, that's okay. It's okay. We could take a expand her too, right? These are important things. And if you feel like this is not within the realm of your relationship, well, that's a great sign for you to reach out and schedule a clarity call with us. Because if this makes you uncomfortable to think about going in these places, then let's talk about and have the conversations that need to be had so that you can think. Okay. Yeah. No, that sounds fun. I'm in. I'm ready. Let's go. Here's the deal. We want to continue to recreate our relationships again and again. And again. And oftentimes, why they become still is simply because we're not introducing any kind of play or novelty into them. And so by nature, shall we say, they naturally digress. Unless we're refueling them and focusing on them and giving them time and attention, they will atrophy.

Yeah. So act on this sign. I mean, if that's. Ah, yeah, that's cute enough, but no, that's not for me. Well, then maybe use that as the indicator to reach out rather than. And, you know, grateful. But sadly to say, many times people will wait and wait and wait. And you hear us say this all the time. We'll say, don't wait, because the average couple. New statistics. Share. Shared with us. Average couple, even when they know they need help, waits six years before they get help. Don't do that.

Don't do that. So our song today as we wrap up this episode, is a theme song that we pick one for every single episode that we have ever done. Going all over the beginning. I've sung this song many times to myself. I used to be able to sing at my car, you know, at the top of my lungs. I don't know if you'd like me to sing it for you when we're.

Done here, I think. Oh, well, when we're done. Yes. Not for our. If you know. Okay, listeners are saying, I'm gonna turn off now. No, Stacy actually does have a good voice.

Oh, that's very sweet, honey. Thank you. It's Anita Baker's. I apologize. I thought that was a very appropriate song for our conversation here today. And you know, she says, I. I've done wrong. I apologize. I want to make this right with you. And that's why I wrote this song. Love that song. Like I said, I've sung it at the top of my lungs many, many a times and tried to sound just like Anita Baker, babe.

Wow, that's a note. That's a worthy goal. What a beautiful voice.

Well, okay, that's it for this week's episode of Love Shack Live. And if by chance you're in a place that you need help and support, please don't wait. As Tom had said, you know, we just wait too long. Most of us do. Don't let that be you. If you're hearing the sound of my voice today and these things that we've talked about resonate with you or somebody that, you know needs some help, pass this along. Because that's what we're dedicated to. That's our mission. That's our goal, is to help more people on the planet get better at this thing we call love.

And if you're listening live, we're going to wish you a very, very happy holiday season, however you choose to celebrate that, and a very happy new year. And we as a family are going to take a small break and get really, really prepared for the start of our better Love club and come back to you in early 2023 right after the new year with a brand new bunch of incredible episodes on Love Shack Live and very, very committed and excited to serve you. So until then, if you're listening live or whenever you're listening to it, we wish you a very happy holiday season. And thank you so much for helping us spread the word and spreading the message of our show.

We're Thomas Stacey Bartley, host of Love Shack Live. A special thank you to you for being here and spending some time with us today. Love Shack. Happy holidays, everybody.

See you next year. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.