#115: Dreading Valentine's Day? A Conversation to Improve Your Relationship

And so, as I look back and we decided to celebrate Valentine's Day anyway, that we kind of dug deep inside of ourselves to remember what we cherished about each other and our life and our relationship. And we did our best to acknowledge on that day. I look back now and I'm so grateful that we did.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the love shack.

Hey, welcome to the love shack. It's a little place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and ease drop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. I'm Stacy Bartley, and I'm here with my co host and lover, Tom. And today, this is episode number 115, will you be my valentine?

Yes.

Yes, what?

I'll be your valentine.

Oh, thank you. That was very precious. And I know a lot of you out there maybe don't feel warm and fuzzies about Valentine's Day maybe currently. So we wanted to just kind of put together our thoughts about Valentine's Day and maybe how we could reframe it to be an opportunity instead of a dread. I want to start by, though, sharing. I feel like the more I talk about Valentine's Day in my own personal experience growing up as a kid. Kid, the more unusual it seems when I have the opportunity to talk about, you know, talk with couples about what Valentine's Day was in their homes and families of origin, I discover that Valentine's Day is often either skipped or it had nothing to do with the children, you know. Was that your experience, too?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so it was, you know, very much in this idea or paradigm that it was only for lovers. And that was not my experience. My experience was there was a week prep where Valentine's Day was to tell the people in your life that you cared about them and that they mattered to you and that they were important. And my mom would lay out like, construction paper and doilies and glue and glitter and like, I'm trying to think of the curly things, you know, the pipe clean pipe cleaners. Do you even know what that is?

Yeah, I know. A pipe cleaner.

I didn't know. And we would sit at the table for a week prior to Valentine's Day and we would make our list of who we wanted to give it to. And it wasn't just about our lovers or who we had a crush on at the time. It included our mom, our dad, our siblings, our friends, our neighbors, our community, our teachers. And we would handcraft a valentine for each and every person. And then we would write a note in there about our experience of them or how we felt about them. And then we would, of course, put them in these little envelopes that my mom. Or sometimes not. Sometimes there was no envelopes. And we would put them on the doorsteps of the people that we were delivering them to, and we would ring the doorbell and we would run. And so it was whole evening on Valentine's Day that we would spend delivering our Valentine's to our list. So it was an incredible experience for me as a kid. And as I look back as an adult, I realize that. How incredible that you. You write this heartfelt note and then you leave it for somebody to enjoy on their own without feeling awkward or like they have to respond to what it is you've just said in the note. So I loved the idea. Even I didn't understand why we put it on the porch and then ran. But now it makes a lot more sense, right? Where nobody had to feel awkward. If you were, like, professing your gratitude or your appreciation for them, and then they didn't know what to say, it was just, here's how I feel about you. You put it on the front porch, you ding the doorbell, and then you try and get the heck out of Dodge. And then they were left with this note of love and appreciation and gratitude for you and how you felt about them. And so my mom even had us, like, make little envelopes with a heart out of butcher paper, and we would hang it on our bedroom doors. And I remember doing this for my own kids. And so you would give Valentine's to your siblings. And so it was a big deal at my house. And I'm realizing there's not too many people. You're laughing. Why are you laughing?

Someone's in their car right now thinking, what the heck planet does this woman come from?

Well, so in that being my experience about Valentine's Day, you can appreciate the fact that I really like Valentine's Day. And I can't understand sometimes why people get all upset. I mean, I do now because I've been doing my work for a really long time. And not only that, I do remember when you and I first came together, and we were a year into our relationship, and I remember having an experience of, oh, shit, it's Valentine's Day. I remember this because I was cursing those words to Tom at the beginning of February, when we had first come together in the first year of our relationship, and we were going through a pretty tough time then, actually, we had just merged our lives. I had moved from Salt Lake City to Sacramento, which was a huge leap of courage and faith on my part, our part. And you received me into your home. And then within the first six months, I ended up getting a call from my biological daughter that she was having to be entering a home for domestic violent women and children, and she needed me to come and rescue her. And so in the middle of the night, I ended up leaving California and driving across the border and picking her and my grandkids up. And at the time, there were five, but she was pregnant with number six. And so it was a lot that we were taking on. And once she arrived and we started working through getting her settled, it wasn't too long thereafter. I really felt like my relationship with you, babe, was kind of hanging by a thread. And I know that we've talked about this since, that there was really a moment where maybe you thought, I'm not going to proceed forward with this, and rightfully so. I mean, this wasn't your biological daughter. You didn't need to take her on. This wasn't a burden that you needed to bear. Maybe you were getting in over your head. I mean, tell me a little bit about that time for you.

How much time do we have?

Not that much.

I, I, you know, I lovingly share. I don't think I would have put that in my match.com, you know, profile. All kidding aside, it was intense, incredibly intense. And the, the magnitude of it and the compression of time of which this all transpired was a lot. And it definitely had me very, very wobbly.

Need.

It did both of us. And so, yeah, I mean, Valentine's Day, like, really, I mean, let's just, you know, let's just. We're not going to have a Welch family Valentine's Day on that Valentine's was. Mike, could we just agree to move on?

And I think I remember you asking me, what do you want to do for Valentine's Day, babe? And what I heard was, I don't feel like celebrating Valentine's Day this year. Do you? Like, am I going to get in trouble? Are you going to be pissed or brokenhearted if we don't, like, do this Valentine Day?

Yeah, no, absolutely. We could, could just, could just skip it this year. We' catch it next year.

And I, too, will confess that feeling romantic was the last thing on our minds. We were really stuck in the emotional pain and frustration that Valentine's Day honestly seemed like a ridiculous idea. And yet deep down inside, feeling close and connected to you was the only thing that I really Wanted. And I remember you, like, pulling away from me and me getting panicked about that. We learned about how we cope differently there. And I remember thinking that was really all I wanted at the end of the day was just to be close to you. But I almost felt like Valentine's Day was kind of like punishing us. It was, like, highlighting the fact that we weren't there in this place on Valentine's Day to be able to acknowledge and celebrate our relationship. And instead, in, like, trying to force ourselves to celebrate it. You correct me if I'm wrong, but it almost kind of felt like this place where I. It felt like a lie, like we were going to have to pretend or lie about what was going on in our relationship personally to celebrate Valentine's Day. And so maybe you guys feel like you're there right now in your own relationship and you're wondering what to do with this wonderful, you know, seemingly fantastic day in the year. I want you to know that it was difficult then to see that we would eventually fall in love again and that we would work through this and that we would figure some things out, and that we would be grateful that we made it through a decade or more later. And eventually we weren't going to laugh again. We were going to share again. We were going to be grateful for our relationship in all that we had created and endured together. And essentially, I look back to that period in our relationship, and it makes me emotional every time I go back there. But there's also an incredible string or strand of gratitude there that if, gosh, we can do that, we can get through anything. And so it also gives me a tremendous amount of strength. So life is going to call upon us to make choices in the moment without seeing what the future is going to hold for us. It's only when we look back that we see the impact of our choices. Because now when we have to make the choice, we don't know what the future is going to bring. And so, as I look back and we decided to celebrate Valentine's Day anyway, that we kind of dug deep inside of ourselves to remember what we cherished about each other and our life and our relationship. And we did our best to acknowledge on that day. I look back now, and I'm so grateful that we did, because I was able to read the word of remembering, regardless of what we were going through, we absolutely could remember at the end of the day that I loved you and that I wanted to do life with you. And even though I wasn't quite sure how that was going to be possible, I had to ride on that type of faith. And it's for this reason that, yes, I'm grateful for the upbringing that I had around Valentine's Day, but I'm also grateful for the day in and of itself, because it reminds us that love matters and so do the people that we love. Regardless of what we're going through in the moment, that the circumstances are going to change and there are going to be challenging moments. But instead of avoiding moments, we can use it as a new beginning. We can use it as a do over or a chance to reset and begin again, regardless of what's playing out and what your challenges are that you face in this moment. So I want to challenge you. What if you could surprise your lover by being more thoughtful than they thought that you could be in this moment, that even when you don't feel like it, you're going to go through a rough time, and yet you're still going to remind them and yourself that you care. And I know you do because you're still hanging around just like me, just like Tom. We didn't know how we were going to get through this difficult time in the moment. We just knew that we wanted to get through it. And so we wanted to show up and behave now as though we were going to make it. And that was the choice that we made. What's the alternative? Sometimes we don't think about what the alternative might be. The alternative would be that I show up like, I don't care about you because we are going through a rough time. And that almost ensures that there won't be a future or a decade ahead of us. Because it's really easy to start forgetting that I love you. And then it's really easy to start labeling you and diagnosing you and then forgetting about all the fat, forgetting about the fact that I care about you in the first place.

How about if you're listening and, and this makes, you know, okay, I can get my arms around that. I, I. Even though we are going through a difficult situation right now, I'd like to, you know, do something instead of just avoid it, you know, and how about if our husband, our wife, our partner, significant other is not in that space at all? How do we, how do we manage that?

Well, here's what I know to be true. Even though I might be pretending that I don't care and that I'm upset and that somehow I'm trying to make you pay for the frustration and the pain that I'm feeling, the fact that I'M hanging around is the demonstration that I do want this to work and that I do care. And so even though I may not be receptive to it, trust and know. Kind of like dropping those Valentine's on the porch and running, the note or the expression that you give me will be something that ruminates in my heart long after you're gone. I didn't know I was going to get so emotional in this episode. But it's those moments that matter and those notes of appreciation, especially when we're going through a really difficult time, can be a game changer. Not necessarily in the moment, but to get to somebody to choose in for the next moment and the next moment. And as I say, if I challenge you to bring your best self, like step over the anger, the hurt, the frustration, somebody's got to do it, you know, and everybody's kind of sitting around waiting for somebody to say I care. Well, who's going to go first? I'm going to say it's the courageous one. So why don't you be the person, the person that's listening to my voice right now. Why don't you be the person that goes first and says, hey, I love you, you matter to me and I'm going to write you a little note to say so and then just let that ruminate and percolate in the heart of the person you love.

Don't you call that person that chooses to step in like you just suggested, the brave heart?

Yes, because it is brave, because it is courageous. But again, somebody's got to go first. And then what if that, that brave, courageous person did that the next day and then the next day after that and then the next day and they started to build some momentum with inside of themselves instead of become disheartened and they reminded themselves every day that they love this person and they'll love them no matter what, regardless of how they show up. I love them no matter what. And you build on that day in and day out, day in and day out. I can assure you there' going to be more of a guarantee of a future in that scenario than if everybody just, you know, basically does a Hail Mary, throws her arms in the air and pretends like and avoids Valentine's Day altogether. Because there will be no reset, there will be no do over. There'll be no contemplation about where it is. We want to go here forward into the future. And so we're building breakdown instead of rebuild and breakthrough.

No, I, I, you know, and, and believe me, when we're stuck in this place. You know, what we're, what we're sharing here is, is, is challenging. It is because the, the natural, you know, default will be like, ah, you know, like whatever, we're gonna, we're gonna choose to skip this one, you know, but again, such a, we have a, this is a universal reminder, literally in many places around the world this particular day. So why don't we use it for some sort of advantage for us and our, even in our unique situation of what you're going through right at this moment, you know, and then use it for some type of a reset, you know, you be the Braveheart, you know, and raise your, you know, your hand and take some small step of appreciation. Because none of us, I can assure you, at least in my experience, have ever been overly appreciated. You know, we, it doesn't simply happen that often in our everyday lives. It's. I, I say this often, but I think it's worth repeating is everybody understands appreciation in the financial world, right? I mean, it's universal.

Oh yeah.

That means it gains value. Well, guess what? Us human beings are the same way. And so we love and all of us need to be appreciated. It's a universal seems to be, you know, attribute that none of us don't seem to get too much of it really. Is that necessary?

So whether you're angry, exhausted, or just not feeling it this year, Valentine's Day can be an opportunity for you to totally reset. And all it takes is the decision to do so. I understand the desire to skip Valentine's Day. It's valid. I've been there. I felt that. But it can also be a missed opportunity to create some ease when you need it most. And even doing something small can breathe new life into your relationship now and into the future. Because remember, we don't know what the future holds. All we can do is step out on faith and do everything that we can in our power in this moment to create in the future what it is we hope to embrace and live. So life is going to continue to have its ups and downs for us, however we can remember that what we do today has impact on our tomorrow and that there is never a good time to take our emotional frustrations out on the people that we love the most. We can then embrace Valentine's Day as the important reminder that it is. And remember those you love and remember to love them, even though they've done terrible, mean, horrible, nasty, said things, you're still there, so I know you love them. So don't waste it. This is an opportunity to reset, to do over, to regain some traction here. And so I'm going to encourage you today with all my heart to be grateful. It's Valentine's Day, So I'm going to turn the corner here because I also want to give you some. Some wonderful ideas of what you can do for Valentine's Day to create a little bit of fun, to maybe go in a new direction. Because from what I just said, you might be going, stace, that's really great. But, gosh, how do I even get started? You know, if you understood my situation or my predicament, I don't even know what to do. So in our follow the fun moment, I have a few suggestions here for you as well. Maybe try on something that was impressed upon, upon me and my family of origin. Make a valentine and write a simple note on it and tell somebody that you love them and then leave it for them and let them read it in private. All you've done is essentially reminded them why you're still here and why you're still showing up in your relationship. And I promise that's going to plant a little seed in their heart. Or maybe as your gift, invite your partner into a new routine. Perhaps it's a nightly walk after dinner, a hug and a kiss goodbye each day, or maybe coffee together in the morning. Start a ritual. What is one thing that you could think of that you could do together every day or every month for a year and get their buy in too? Like, I want to create a new ritual with you and I want to begin it. And we can do it daily or weekly or monthly. And here's some ideas. Do you have any that you would like to create? And you know, babe, we've had one of each of those. You know, I remember moments when we were living in our family commune, as we call it, with your two brothers, where our morning escape was to jump in the car and go get coffee at the human being around the corner. And then we'd sit in the corner, you know, in the subdivision and talk and do our coffee. And some days we had 10 minutes, and some days we had an hour. But it didn't matter. It was our moment to realize we were kind of like sneaking out of the house on our own and by ourselves, you know. I see you're smiling.

No, absolutely. Right. I mean, I mean, yeah, I was just thinking, you know, getting, you know, that, that, that coffee time together for us. I mean, again, you can, you can choose to do something, you know, and it doesn't. It's is not complicated. That's what's, I think important. Because when we think oftentimes or some of us, maybe that's a better distinction. Thank gosh. I mean, it doesn't have to be of large magnitude. You know, I would say all of my successes in life across the board come with one thing that's consistency. And Stacy and I, yeah, we pretty much without fail, we do coffee and it may just be for a couple minutes because we're going in different directions, but that's been a consistent for us for many, many years. It's a time for us to come together and share our appreciation, what's ahead of us, you know, before we, you know, may not be together. And then we'll regather whenever we do later in the, in the afternoon or evening.

Yeah, that's true. All right, so my last suggestion for you is together, read a book or take a class that will enrich your relationship skills and your behavior. And I have a really great idea for you there. For the whole month of February, you could get two weeks free to the Better Love Club. You can come in, you can learn, you can grow together. There's worksheets, there's classes, there's videos. And that ritual that we have on Monday night where you get to come together and practice and learn what it is you want to get better at, you can get it with us live and the support that you need in order to absolutely get better at improving your relational and emotional intelligence and skills here in this area. And so that would be something I would suggest for you to check out as well, wherever you are. I hope that I've convinced you to celebrate it and to acknowledge it and to step in and create a reset, whatever that might be for you. And again, like Tom said, it doesn't have to be something big and grandiose. You know, I almost say, forget the flowers, forget the chocolates, tell somebody that you love them. And I think it will go a long, long way. And then create a new moment or a ritual that you can build on beginning today. And chances are I know that you're going to see a future ahead of you. So as we wrap up this episode, is there anything else you wanted to say about that? As we wrap up this episode, we always choose a song to kind of speak what it is we're trying to communicate to you.

This one this week took you a little while, didn't it?

I went through a lot of them. I mean, there's a really great song called My Valentine by Paul McCartney you know, it's kind of going back in time. There's a new vocalist that has another song called My Valentine. And I guess I was kind of looking for something with the word Valentine in it, and then I aborted the whole idea and thought, okay, just. Just give me a song that actually conveys what it is I'm trying to communicate to you. And what fell in my lap is they always do. You know, the creation process is always such a get to. I'm so privileged to be able to do this for you each and every week. It was a song by Sam Smith and Ed Sheeran. We love who we love. We just do. And instead of questioning your heart, why don't we trust it? And we can't do anything about it. Whether they're here or they're not, we get to love who we love. And the only thing that I'm going to invite you to do today that this song says so well is to do just that. So I want you to know that you can check out all of our songs for each and every episode, including this one on our Spotify playlist, the Love Shack Live playlist. And you can also go to our website and you can access that song as well. But I'll tell you what, it's a goodie. You know, it's not wrong to want the world for someone. It's not. It's not a feeling that you can run from because we love who we love, and that's what the song is about. So, no. Dear listeners, we love and appreciate you today in always. Thank you so much for being here inside the Love Shack with us today. And if you by chance have a conversation that you want to have here in the Love Shack, we would love to hear from you. All you need to do is go to our website and say, hey, Tom, Stacy, we have a conversation we want you to talk about on our behalf.

You can actually do that verbally. You can leave us a message. You don't have to say your name if you want to. There's a wonderful piece of technology there. You can leave us a verbal message. You can send us an email. Yeah, we would love to have a conversation. If this is something you'd like us to talk about and share about, please let us know.

We're Thomas Stacy Bartley. We're the host of Love Shack. A special thank you to you for being here and sharing some of your time today. Now go and make it a great Valentine's Day. You deserve that and so do the people that you love. We look forward to seeing you next time here. And we love you, shack. Bye bye for now.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We got to close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.