#122: How to Ask Your Partner for What You Truly Want in Your Relationship

We have this uncanny story about love and relationships that if you find the right person and they truly love you, then they're going to know what you want.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, and the eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter and work to have a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 122. What do you wish you could ask your partner for? That's a tantalizing question. I find that this comes up in my private practice very often. And knowing how to ask, believe it or not, is something that we really struggle with most of the time as human beings. And we're going to dive deep into why that's the case and what it is you can do about getting more of your needs and desires met in the relationship where you currently are. Sometimes we think we need to let go of the relationship that I'm in, and that's not necessarily the case. More often, the problem is not knowing how to ask for what we want and more importantly, what it is we truly want as an individual.

Let me just step in. If you're new to our show, thank you so much for listening. If you're not new and you're listening, thank you so much either way. And if you're listening live or whenever you're listening, thank you. Today is a special day.

Yes, it is.

Rumor has it someone has a birthday today.

Guys, you didn't need to do that.

It's Stacy's birthday. So if you're listening, just send, say a little happy birthday to Stacy because we all love her and if she wasn't born on this day, we wouldn't have this wonderful work.

Oh, thank you, guys. That's kind of a surprise.

So we are Tom and Stacy Bartley, and that voice in the dark is our wonderful daughter Brown, our everything lady. And I sense she's going to be very active in this particular podcast, receiving great feedback on Brooke's participation, too.

You said a lot of times we don't ask because we don't know how to ask. Also, I think a lot of times we don't ask because we don't feel like we deserve it or we don't feel like it's even possible. I think there's a lot of other reasons. The main one is we don't know how to ask because we don't have that skill. But I think a lot of the reasons behind not Asking are. Are connected to how we feel about ourselves, but no one thinks about that in this situation. They just think their relationship sucks, you know?

Totally agree. And I promise you we're going to dive deep into the common reasons as to why it is we have a struggle with asking for what we want, because when we say that, it seems so simple. Right? But I think the best way to start this conversation is to maybe give you a little bit of an idea of what it is we're talking about and how not only has it been a struggle in my own personal life, but about how it shows up with the clients that I am privileged and honored to support on this relationship journey. And so I. I grew up actually struggling with how to ask, not because I come from an abusive household or not because it wasn't allowed, but because it wasn't demonstrated. And I think that's very true for a lot of us. I had an incredible mother who was very wise in wisdom, but she was very meek when it came to advocating for herself, quite frankly, that her idea of being a good wife and a good partner and a good lover and a good mother was serving the needs of the people that she loved around her. And in that process, she eventually ended up marrying a man. When I was 17 years old after the passing of my father, and I recognized there and then that she didn't have a voice. And I remember being a young 17. Well, actually, at this point in time, I was 15 and a half, turning 16, and I went, mom, speak up for yourself. I'm kind of like a indignant, slightly rebellious little rogue.

Little rogue, yes.

A teenage girl who's not seen the side of my mom where she didn't feel like she couldn't speak up for herself or advocate for herself. And she's so wise, and she's. I loved and respect and honored her so much. It killed me to watch somebody dominate her where she literally didn't have a voice in the relationship. And so, of course, I did the only thing I knew how to do, which is I took him on. And that went well, as you can possibly imagine.

If you've been following your show for any period of time, you're probably shocked at Stacy sharing that.

And I just thought, you don't get to do this to my mom. You know, I don't know who the heck you think you are. Number one, you're not my dad. And number two, you don't get to treat my mom like that. That's not where I come from. That's not how it went down in the house I come from. And then I noticed a very interesting experience that happens. As I look back, I got really angry at my mom. I felt like she really should have and know how to speak up for herself. And I couldn't figure out why it is that she continuously acquiesced and shut down. And coming from this woman who had so much wisdom and love to share and to spread around and she was, she would spread it so freely, to think that was all missing and that she couldn't share that in this environment was just like paralyzing to me. Like this isn't okay. And so I became angry at her. Come on, just speak up, just do it. What are you thinking? And you know what's so funny and comical about that is I went from being angry and resentful to her about that and then watching her pass and leave this lifetime with still not really being able to advocate and have a voice for herself. And it is one of the things that has been one of her greatest contributions and lessons to me. Because what she did when I real I realize and look back is that she taught me what having a voice really costs you. And so now you fast forward. As I step into life and love and relationships, I guess what I'm having a tough time advocating for myself because the demonstration I come from is pleasing your partner, your husband, your lover and pleasing your children. And that's what a true loving woman could do. And because I loved and respected my mom for those qualities, I tried to emulate them myself. And I found myself in a 13 year long marriage where I had no voice just like my mom. And that would incense me as I would look back and remembering her wonderful, beautiful, incredible demonstration about okay, pay attention, this is what happens if you never acquire a voice. That was one of the greatest contributions she ever gave me. And so in those times where I wanted to please and I wanted to acquiesce and I wanted to go along with and I didn't want to speak up, all I needed to do was remember the demonstration and the contribution that my mom had so eloquently taught me. And I go, ah, I gotta say something, Ah, I gotta ask. This is that moment.

And I think it's interesting, I think we've talked about this in prior episodes that we had my mom come out to our family commune home in California and live pretty much the last six months of her life before she go went back to Maryland and ultimately passed away. And a very interestingly eerily similar story. Incredibly wise woman, small in stature, Big in wisdom that never really could muster up this quality or qualities that we're going to talk about and share in this episode. Really couldn't advocate and speak for herself.

Yeah. It's so true. And I want you to know this isn't necessarily a female conversation. This is a human conversation. Because male and female alike, we can find ourselves not being able to advocate for ourselves. In fact, just yesterday, I had a beautiful couple in my office that were desperately trying to have a conversation about the emotional fears and pain that they were both living in. Both were very much struggling with the idea and ability to just ask for what it is they wanted. And so let's talk about what those common themes are that show up again and again that not only I wrestled with. Babe, I know you've wrestled with that. I know our clients wrestle with, because asking for what it is that we truly want in our relationships is really difficult. You wouldn't think that such a simple little thing could make our armpits so sweaty and our knees buckle like nothing else. And a lot of it goes back to our childhood where we were really good at it as a kid. We want this and we want that. We want this and we want that and give me this and help me with that and. And then, little by little, we hear things in our lives, like, what do you think the world revolves around you? You think that you're the only person that's important or needs to be considered or counted on here? You think money just grows on trees. And there's a lot of things where it's like, we start to realize that asking and being clear about what it is we really want or advocating for those very important things that come up for us. We are told they're childish, they're selfish, ridiculous, and that you don't count. You need to consider the whole. And so, little by little, we learn how to get our needs met through the lens and the guise of manipulation. And we'll talk about that in a minute. But in case you go, ah, that's a punch to the gut. I know, I know. But if there's anything we're really good at because of what we're talking about today, it's the art of manipulation. Because what was taken from us or what was taught to us was that. That it wasn't okay to have needs and wants and desires of your own. That in the group think tank, we had to be considerate of others. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'm thinking we need to find balance with that thing. Thinking of others, yes, that's important. Let's nurture that. That's. Thinking outside of yourself is a very important skill. But also knowing what you need and desire as an individual is equally as important. To find a place of balance and navigating.

Yeah. I would say that for those of us that care the most, this is a big one. Because we often think of others before we think of ourselves. And just like we share often in our work, balance is a verb, and it's a constant place we're all navigating to. We don't just set that and arrive at it and call it good. So the more you care, the more we want you to listen up, for sure.

So here's the common reasons that I find show up. And they've shown up, not, as I've already said, for myself, but for the clients that we're privileged and honored to serve. The first thing that come up for me was fear of rejection or judgment. Because if I ask you for what it is I truly want and I really lay that on the table, what if you say no? What if you say, that's not okay? What if you say, I'm selfish, I shouldn't want such things, then what do I do with that? It makes me feel worse than maybe if I'd never asked in the first place. So I'll just go ahead and keep this one to myself. That's a very common one. But what we don't realize in this conversation is that we're actually rejecting ourselves. There is a place where we reject what it is to be true inside of yourself. And so you set it aside and you err on the side of caution without speaking up at all. Another one is we think that we don't deserve it. As Brook had already shared, we feel like it's not that important and it doesn't really matter that much. So I'm just going to go ahead and let that one go as well. But again, there's a rejection of self. There's a space on a spot inside of you that says, this is important to me, even though it may be silly, this is really important to me. It would mean a lot to me if I could create this in my relationship. In fact, it would make all the difference in the world. But I'm going to go ahead and let it go because I'm not sure I deserve it. So I'll just reject myself and my knowing instead. And how about this one? We've kind of touched on it, but you already think they're Going to say no. Like in your head, you've already come up with a million ways and reasons as to why you don't deserve it. And they're going to say no anyway because of this event that's taken place in your past, this time and this time and this time and this time and not that you even asked in any of those times. You just believe because of what they've said or done from their perspective that they're going to shoot it down. So I'll just go ahead and err on the side again of caution and I'm going to reject myself one more time. And then what about not having any idea about what it is you want anyway? You just carry around this boatload of emotion and you don't have the ability or the know how to sit down and decipher what it is you truly want that would make or ease those emotions that you're packing around better or ease the pain just a little bit. And so I don't really know what I want. I don't sit and spend any time with that. So I wouldn't know how to ask or answer that question anyway.

Yeah, I think that's. And you correct me if I'm wrong. That seems to be a very foreign concept for most of us. I like to remind people we can always re. Share quickly what we don't want. Yes, absolutely. Very fast. That's amazing. But when you ask people what it is they want, it's almost like they're in the headlights and me included. The good thing is, is you can just reverse engineer what you don't like and do the opposite. That. And that's going to give you a pretty strong version of what you do want.

And here's the thing. We have this uncann story about love and relationships that if you find the right person and they truly love you, then they're going to know what you want. Right. After all, they were able to say all these wonderful things in the beginning and you fell in love with them and it seemed effortless and they just knew where you were coming from. And so we buy into this illusion and this idea that because they love you, they're going to know what it is you need. And I just gotta help you come clean here. That is not true. There's going to be an evolution that happens in your relationship where they have no idea what it is you want and need because it's not anything that's registering for them. They have other experiences that are happening inside of them. Their own wants, desires, and Needs from their own perspective that are firing off. Because why? It's not because I don't love you, it's because that's how our brains work. What's important to me, what I'm aware of, what my perspective is, what the experiences are, that is what I'm aware of as an individual. And I have no ability whatsoever to be able to read your mind, to plug into what internal experiences you might have and what thoughts you might be having in order to help you reveal or to provide you with what it is you want and need to be happy in a relationship. And this is about the time where we start to fight and the relationship begins to break down. And I also just want to point out here that if I don't put in the effort of knowing what it is I want, there's another layer of self rejection there, there's another demonstration to yourself that you are not worthy enough, you are not deserving enough of even spending an a minute amount of time to decipher out of that emotional experience that only you are having what it is you need and want out of this. And unfortunately, my friends, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, that is work that only you can do, that is something you have got to take responsibility for, to bring into the relationship. Thinking that your relationship is too broken to try. I want you to understand it's broken because no one is getting their emotional needs met, because no one is speaking up. No one has this ability to share it, to, to teach it, to honor it, to know it. And this is, at the end of the day, what breaks our relationships down.

A lot of times we're mad that our partner doesn't know what we want. But the truth, the underlying truth in most of those times is that we don't know what we want either. So there's absolutely no way our partner can know what we want if we don't know either. Like in that instance, they would be telling us what they think we want that needs to be made there because we say it's not romant if we have to tell our partner what we need or what we want, that takes away from the fairy tale. But you don't want the fairy tale because they're always going to be guessing, you know, so you want to get exactly what you want, but for that to happen, you first have to know what it is you want in the first place.

No, I, I just, I cannot overemphasize this specificity. I like to say really granular sharing that you can provide and offer Your partner. Because as we say, often it's up to us to teach our partners how to love us. It's. That's the greatest news I've ever heard in my life. Because look, if you're going to give me the exact recipe in this case, Stacy has already in, in many different instances, what it is she would like me to give her, support her, say with her, touch her, I freaking love it. Because then I don't have to come up with any my of my own version. Like I can be all over that recipe. And if I truly love her, which I do, and want to support her how she's asked specifically, it takes all the mystery out of it. That's great news, in my opinion.

It's great news. You too, babe. This is a two way door. This is a two way door. And the truth is we can ask for anything and everything we really can. However, most of us have been told that sometimes even punished, unfortunately for asking, which causes us to feel awkward and sometimes even guilty for asking for what it is we truly want. We can also believe that it's selfish to ask for what it is I want. So you know what? I just want to create a distinction here between what true selfishness is and what it is we're talking about. For those of you who might be thinking that in your head right now, look, I don't need to put any effort into deciding what it is I want because that's really selfish of me. Why do my needs, or why should my needs come to the forefront of my relationship? Who am I to say or do those things? So here's the distinguishing quality. Selfish is pursuing what it is you want and desire at the expense of others. And you give no disregard to the expense that others have to pay in order for you to get that that is selfish. And that is not what we're talking about here. We're talking about asking for what it is you truly want and desire. And one of the abilities in asking is making sure that you give a little bit of permission for them to choose in or not at the end. And when we go into the communication framework right later in this conversation, you're going to understand why that's so important. And so as long as that question is on the end, dear listener, I want you to know that is so far from selfish. So it's like on a totally different planet.

Let's say it's we. And we say this often. A huge difference in distinction between an invitation versus you're condemning or you're absolutely. This is an absolute. No, no, no, that's not. This is. It's never an absolute. It's always an ongoing back and forth. You're constantly sharing. And then would you be willing. Does that make sense for you? If no. Okay, then what is it? I'm stepping ahead. That, that would work for you as well. So it's just a constant place of navigation and recalculating. As Siri, as Siri tells us all the time, we don't have a problem and we don't yell at Sir. What are you talking about, recalculating? No, we just. Okay, recalculating. Okay, so what might work for you then?

Yeah, and there. And here's the sobering truth about this. If we don't learn how to ask for what it is we want as a human being, we have needs, we have desires, and quite frankly, we have survival that requires us to somewhat get our needs met somehow, some way. And so if I don't know how to lay and ask those things on the table, you know what I'm going to do instead? As any normal, healthy survival mechanism human being would manipulate it.

Yeah, we're going to get.

We are going to manipulate the heck out of the situation to get my needs met instead. And what does that look like? It looks like I'm going to drop a hint. It looks like I'm going to make somebody feel guilty so they'll acquiesce. It makes sure I get. I put the proper spin on it so there's no way they can say no. I withhold until I explode and then I come clean and tell them what it is I want and need it all along. Those are various forms of manipulation. Okay. And I just also want to point out that in order for this to be good, there has to be a two way street here where not only am I willing to teach and show them, because the reality is it is my responsibility in my relationship to teach my partner how to love me best. But there's another side to this. As a lover, I have to be also open and willing to receive what's being shared about what it is I need and want in my relationship. So I have to be willing to hear it and to understand and to be able to take that on because I now see and understand it's important to you. And I also have to be able to advocate for myself and show up and ask for what it is I want and need in a way that you can receive it. That's outside of the realm of manipulation. Because if it gets manipulative we're going to get defensive and the whole thing is going to go to hell in a hand basket anyway. Okay? So there's some skill and there's some delicateness to asking for what it is we want because of where we typically come from and being able to allow ourselves to ask for what it is we want. And we think in order to get what we want, we just have to get pushy and we have to leverage and we have to shame and we have to make you feel guilty and I have to drop a hint. And then that means a whole host of other things. And you can start to see where if we're not good at this one thing in our relationships, we're going to break down. It's going to be a problem, it's going to create a lot of unmet need. And then as unmet need goes unmet, guess what we do as human beings next. Not because we're terrible, not because I don't love you, not because I don't care. I start trying to figure out how to get those needs met elsewhere, doing other things. And I think, baby, you already talked on that, that it's a bleeding out the back experience. Like then I start picking up my eating and then I start picking up my drinking and then I start picking up my scrolling on social media and any conversation with anyone is wonderful because I got no connection and emotional needs being met here. So I'm gonna go get a little taste of it here. I might start working more, I might start getting invested in the kids or volunteering. I start creating a separate life for myself where I can cope and feel good about who I am and my relationship. It takes a side burner. And then over time we look back three months, six months, 12 months later and go, who the hell are you? Why are you in my life? What am I supposed to do with this? This? And as sex comes along for the ride, I feel more and more uncomfortable with asking for what it is I want there sharing with you myself. And I also use sex as a leverage point. You're not making me feel connected to you. Well, you don't get any. And more breakdown, more self rejection, more manipulation, more defensiveness. So it's not hard to see how this happens in our lives and in our relationships. So I hope all of that to say, okay, all of that. I get why we do it, but it's not the answer we're looking for. It truly is not like there is a better way. And it starts with you taking a little bit of time to do the work that only you can do, which is understanding what it is you truly want in your relationship with this person I know you love. Like what is it? Take the time, effort and energy to decipher what that is. That's going to be step one. What you need and want is important, it's valuable, it's necessary and it needs to become part of the relationship. Why? Because you're a part of this relationship. That's why you are a very huge part and contributor into this relationship and you getting your needs and wants met are critically important to the survival of this thing we call our relationship. This co creation of life that we have embarked on on. It can't just be dismissed. Okay. Thoughts?

Oh, I just. And you correct me if I'm wrong many times when you share this I would say very unique but refreshing perspective. It takes a lot of the mystery away. I say often on our clarity calls this whole thing to have a great relationship is not maybe as mysterious as we're led to believe. It is a skill based journey and this particular area of really first understanding what it is we truly want with specificity and then sharing that with our special someone is a very foreign concept.

Very much.

And I would agree. It's like I have people like could you really do that? I think yeah, give it a try. Because remember, we can always go back to what's not working anytime we want. But again, just using us as a true benchmark, I find it incredibly refreshing and adds ease and simplicity to. You know, I know when you've given me exactly what it is you want and I've agreed to support you in that these areas, okay. It takes all the guessing and mystery and confusion out of it. It's it all that's gone. I'm simply delivering exactly what you've asked me to support you.

I do have to say though, not everyone is going to react that way. A lot of people will. No matter how good you are at asking, there's still a chance that your partner now I'm stepping ahead a little bit but I just want to reassure people there's still a chance your partner might get defensive because you're asking for this need that you've never voiced before that's not being met. And so they're going to take it as an attack. Oh my God, I'm not good enough or I've been doing all this other stuff. What are you saying? That your needs aren't getting met. So just know that it maybe it's not going to get fixed on the first try. So there might might need to be a bigger conversation because not everyone is going to be as receptive as dad is. So.

Well and to be fair. No, let me. You're right. And it's an ongoing recipe, so to speak. It's a continual balancing act I guess would be the best way. Yeah. And it may change tomorrow or the next day for your significant other. Then it's up to he or she to share what that change, I like to say of our love recipe is specific to that situation. No, my overarching point there was. It's just was refreshing. Like God, we could approach it this way. That's I think what I really like. You can approach it this way. And yes, Brooke shared. It's going to take some back and forth. Forth for sure. Absolutely.

And here's just the point that I want to bring back around here, it's quite sobering is that if you really continue to not know what it is you want and not muster up the courage and it is a very courageous moves what you're advocating for yourself. You're reflective and facing off with yourself. And I need you to know that as a human being that's the most courageous thing we ever do. It really is. That's the most courageous work we ever do. But it's worthy of you feeling better about who you are and going in a direction you want to go as an individual. It really is where our personal power lies and it's also where an honoring and what we would call a self love or self respect component lies. Because remember when I was going through the common responses, we're erroring on the side of being safe with our partner and not feeling a lot of those emotions that we don't want to feel. But in the process we're rejecting ourselves. So somebody is going to get rejected. It's just a question of whether it's going to be you or somebody else. And thinking about long term lifelong relationships, the one that you have with yourself is the only one we can count on to last the long haul. And yet that's the one you're sacrificing. Like that's kind of sobering thought right there. That is the one that regardless of what happens, I need to be able to come back to because that's all I'm left with at the end of the and yet that's the one that I'm going to reject and put off and negate and not understand, not build any kind of a connection with is me. And that's the sobering reality that we all have to face because I can't tell you where your relationship with another person is going to go. Right. There's some complexity there in that you get to show up and do your part, but you have no idea how they're going to show up and do theirs. But you need to be prepared to do your part regardless of what their part is. And your part is doing everything that you can to know yourself and to be able to advocate for what it is you want. And if they can't meet you at the table, that's an entirely different conversation. But at least you know at the end of the day, which is going to stay off resentment and anger and frustration and self shame and belittlement and all the emotions of incompleteness that come along with that, you're going to know you did your part and that's important, that's a really important piece. So you're going to be able to walk away knowing you did your part, you did everything you knew how to do, you laid it on the table, you said what you needed to say. And if not now, when? When would be a better time to step into this conversation? Because if you do, if you advocate for yourself and step up on the backside of regardless of how this goes, you're going to feel really good about the way you handled it.

And I would say it's really the only truly thing that any of us can control in our lives is us. That's not cliche, it just happens to be 100% true.

And our regret comes from what if I'd have said this, if I'd have done this, what if I'd have shared this? Or what if I'd have tried this? Or what if I'd have risked it a little more here and, and I want to save you from all of that. And it comes down to this really simple conversation of asking for what it is you want and laying it on the table. Which, yes, I agree, takes courage, but it's so worth it. It's so worth it. And here's the thing, if you do it has the potential to do mighty and great things. Number one, it's going to validate you, like want to talk about feeling like, okay, I'm now congruent and I've stopped rejecting myself. Ask for what it is you want. That's a very empowering, useful place to go. And not only that, you're going to lay on the table specifically what it is your partner can do to make all the difference in the world for you. As Tom had already shared. That's going to be so refreshing and life giving. If you are going to save this relationship, that would be so helpful when we go, oh wow, all I need to do is greet you at the door and give you a kiss and a hug and that's going to make all the difference. That's it. Yeah, yeah. Like that would be a great starter. We can talk about and share those things when we advocate for ourselves. So if it is going to turn things around and we are going to save your relationship, which is my hope for you, it's going to require you to advocate for yourself anyway. It's going to become a win win. You win because you're validating and accepting and honoring yourself. And you're winning because you're finally giving your partner the recipe that they need in order to show up. If they have the capacity and if they would be willing to love you in the way that you describe. So only one or two things are going to happen really just to take all the fear off the table. You're either going to make a tremendous amount of progress by using what we're talking about here today with you and your relationship is going to improve and you're going to go, wow, this is really incredible. Let me try this one, let me try this one. And everybody starts to get a little more safe and better about this idea of advocating and asking for what it is they want want. Or you're going to start to understand why it's not possible. And it's going to not be probably because they don't love you. It's because they don't have the courage or the capacity within side of themselves to meet what it is you're asking for. And that's a totally different conversation. And we can't vet that out unless we are doing our part of saying, this is what I need, this is what I want. This is what would make the hugest difference for me and us in this relationship so that I can continue to show up in a good way. And I want to know what it is for you too. And that's how we're going to make progress in regards to turning this relationship around. Right. So it is your way through and by doing it, it's going to tell you everything you need to know about what's possible in your relationship currently, right now. A couple of other things too is when you stop asking our partners for things, we stop advocating for ourselves. And a part of us dies inside. It leads us, us away from ourselves. Like we gotta really accept that's just how it works. I didn't make up the rules. I'm just trying to share them with you in the very best possible.

And I would say the opposite is true. When we start doing this in a more consistent and robust manner, you're going to start receiving some really powerful benefits. Benefits because of this new practice that you're having implemented in your life. It's going to be very energy inducing versus sucking the life right out of this situation. Very, very different experience.

Yeah. And asking for what you want can literally reignite your imagination and your ability to think. Gosh, if this worked, what else could I ask for? What else is possible in this relationship? This is incredible. Right? It's also going to improve your sex and intimacy which when we don't ask for what it is we want or know how to advocate for what works for us, that has a tendency to start shutting down. And I want you to know that's normal. In case you were wondering. Yes, us. That's totally normal. And I think about emotional needs being met just like I. I think about physical needs being met in sex. Think about. And I'm sure you've had this experience where you've been intimate and you know that if your partner would just move over like a fraction of a hair or slow down or speed up when the lovemaking happens, like they would knock it out of the park for you. But what do we do? We tend to lay there and just hope they figure it out on their own. You know what? We do that big time when it comes to our emotional needs being met too. We leave them to flounder as we're hoping and praying and wishing that they would just know the thing to say or the experience that I'm longing for that would make all the difference for me in the world. So that they too can be set up for success and knock it out of the park. And we rob ourselves and we rob our lovers of these incredible moments that we have the potential and ability to create in our relationship if we would just but learn how to speak up and use our voices.

So you're literally creating. This is a long time quote from a long time. Eric Butterworth, one of the original ministers in the Unity movement. I love I learned this years ago, but it's to create the conditions that make the result inevitable. Like how about that? So just stack it in your favor. You know, what a concept.

This whole conversation reminds me of being a kid. You guys will know what I'm talking about when you're at your friend's house and you're starving and you're like, God, I just wish they would get a snack. Like, you're, like, sitting there praying as hard as you can. God, it would be so nice if they just got, like, a bowl of goldfish or something. But why is it so embarrassing to admit you're hungry? Like, it wouldn't be the end of the world to just be like, hey, could we have a snack? Because they'd probably say yes to. But we just kill ourselves sitting there hungry, and a lot of times go home hungry, and we never ask. And we do the same thing as adults sometimes at our friend's house because we don't want to like, like, bother them. And just think about how many times we do that in a relationship where you're like, God, it would be so nice if they just came home with flowers. Or it'd be so nice if they cooked dinner tonight because I'm exhausted. But we never verbalize it. So it's the same thing. We just. Because we were taught, don't be a burden, don't make other people have to unnecessarily put effort out, do things for yourself. But it just creates a lifetime of that hungry feeling, praying that someone would do something, and you're just sitting there silent, wishing for it, and the other person has no idea.

And I want to speak to the flip side of this. If you truly love somebody and you want this. This to go well, right, let's say you are that mom or that father that's home in the house, and you realize and recognize and understand hindsight that somebody was in your home and they really had a need that you weren't able to meet. Like, wouldn't that just break your heart?

Yeah, you be like, oh, my gosh, why didn't you just say you were hungry? I would have given you something, you know?

Yeah. I would have given you a smorgasbord. I would have laid it out for you.

It's a great. Dean Jackson is a wonderful online marketer, genius in the space. He talks about. I'm paraphrasing, but talks about the difference, you know, mainly in your language and copy, if you will, but saying, yeah, let's say you have some people at your house and you've got fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies over in the kitchen. Say, if you'd like a cookie, just go ahead and. Just go ahead and go over there and grab one. Number one, that's option A. Or number two, have them on a plate, walk over to your special someone and offer him or Her a cookie. Which one do you think they would do? Do. Of course you're going to take it. When you go offer it on a plate in front of them, they're not going to get up and go get it. So it's very, very. That's a very analogy.

Why don't I. I love this analogy because I'm thinking about Grant Brookie, your brother, your stepbrother, who admittedly confessed that he's staying at my sister's house for an entire weekend. And he's so hungry because he's like in teenage years.

Yeah.

And he will not ask for anything to eat, so he literally goes hungry. And my sister would have been. I've never shared that with her, but she would be horrified. I hope she's not listening to this podcast.

Yes. Because she's the hostess of the mostest who loves to feed people. Oh, my gosh.

Her pantry is stacked with options. I know.

And she would just be brokenhearted to think. And what would we all say? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you let me know? Because we're all trying to take care of so many things, especially now in this day and age that sometimes needs and wants and desires go unnoticed. And yet when they do, we make up a whole story about why that's true. And that is just a story in a narrative that quite frankly, more times than not, is not even true. It's not even the realm of reality. But, man, we believe it in our heart of hearts, don't we? We're just so sure that's gonna. That's gonna be how they feel about asking for a snack or asking for a hug or asking for a kiss or asking for verbal reassurance when we need it most. And I want you to know that nine times out of ten, when you'll risk. And it is a risk. I get it. There's. But it's so small in comparison to the throw off and the payoff that is waiting for you on the other side.

And I would say nine times out of ten, what you're concerned about, in whom you're asking it of whether that's your spot, whatever they. He or she. There's no. It's not even on their paradigm what you're being worried about. They're like, oh, my gosh. Like, that didn't even enter my. Enter my mind. Yeah, go in the pantry and help yourself. Like it's all there for the taking.

Yeah. Yeah. So the first step in asking for what it is you truly want. And I like to add the caption of 100%. Because most of us, when we talk about asking and we start stepping into this idea and concept is we'll ask for the fraction of the thing that we think is reasonable is we consider after our long evaluations and judgments is possible. And I again, I just want you to know those are all things limitations that you're creating and placing on yourself that just aren't true. I don't know how else to say it. They're just not true. And we all do it as a human being trying to be rational and appropriate and respectful and responsible and all those wonderful little bulls that we try and task ourselves with. And so the first thing I want you to do is just give yourself permission to ask for the thing that it is you truly want and all of it, not just the portion you think you can get away with or that's reasonable. But what is it that you really want? Want.

Now let me just share you maybe think. Okay then I'm gonna, I'm gonna go around my ass. I'm gonna ask with some vigor, you know, with great love and respect. Remember, you can absolutely be very clear and proud of what you're asking for. But there is probably more effective ways to ask another.

Well, I'm just going to take you back to the first word of the worksheet. If this is an ask, it's a not a demand. And you just went to the realm of demand, which is slipping us, Gary, ever so quickly into the world world of manipulation.

Just. And that's easy for us to. And don't misunderstand what it is we're saying. But you can do both and probably it's going to take some practice and skill. You can be I love Robin Sharma. Remember, the most loving person in the room always comes from a position of strength, not from weakness. So you can be a strong lover and still do it in a way that's a win win for everybody.

And we're going to set you up for that. So I know you're going to be a bit nervous here, but I'm going to ask you to let your armpits be sweaty and your knees shake a little bit. I'm going to ask you to do it anyway. So give yourself permission to get clear first of all about what it is you want. Like all of it, the whole enchilada. Like we're going to go for the stars here.

Okay, I just want to interrupt real quick to those of you who are trying to write down these steps. You don't need to. At the end of the show, we're going to give you a link to download this little worksheet that has all the steps, so. So just listen, take it in, but don't worry about remembering them.

Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. I love that. I love that you're going to make that available, Brookie. Thank you. That'd be my little birthday present to all of you. Ah, love you there. So ask for what it is you want at 100 and get clear about what that is and give yourself permission to ask for it, even though your hands are shaken and your armpits are a little shaky feet and your knees are wobbling. And for all of those who are going, oh, but that's so vulnerable. I'm like, yeah, it is, but that is your way through. Right? Vulnerability is just as Tom has shared, it's a position of strength, not weakness. Being vulnerable is your power place. It is not your weak place. Right? So don't shy away from it, because then it puts us back into that place of rejecting ourselves. Number two, you're going to preface the question like. Like this. You know what I'd like to really ask you for right now, and I want you to see, it's a question, it's not a statement. It's a way for you to be able to muster up the courage, lay the thing on the table, and then you're going to lay it on the table. We're not going to explain it. We're not going to justify it. We're not going to go into a whole story as to why it is you deserve this, or you've been studying on this. Drop the narrative, drop the story. And it's simply, do this is what I'd like to ask you for. And then you're going to say, and what I'd like to ask you for is fill in the blank and lay it on the table as succinctly and specifically as you possibly can. What I'd like to ask you for today, babe, for my birthday present, Brook, he's going to be embarrassed here, but I want you to take me back and love me and kiss me and hold me, and I want that. Would you be willing to give them that to me?

Yes.

So what I just did, there was a demonstration of, hey, you know what I'd really like to have happen for my birthday? I'd like this. Would you be willing to give that to me? That's important. Remember I said to you in the beginning of the podcast, there's a Sincere invitation in. Because when I'm asking, it truly is a sincere ask that's coming from my heart, and I have to allow that permission to be present. Otherwise, I ever so slightly and subtly slept into the place of manipulation. If it's not there, then I'm manipulating, I'm demanding, I'm leveraging, I'm coercing, I'm explaining. And if I just lay it on the table and ask, then I'm asking sincerely as to whether you would step in and gift that to me or not. And then here's the hard part. Literally shut your mouth. Just stop talking and let them respond. Here's where we tend to go into further evidence and validation as to why you should be able to do that and why you need that and why that's important. And all the many times that it hasn't happened and all the many times that you drop the ball and remember this time and this time and this time and this time, don't go there. That was the past. We're creating a different place going forward where you get to say what you need to say and ask for it, and you don't have to justify it it. So as you close your lips and listen, just let them respond. Give them that moment to consider your request, to understand it, and maybe to even ask questions about it. Like, so are you saying this and this? Right? There's maybe a moment of clarity from your partner, and this is literally where you're taking the time and patience. So you got to slow down here and breathe, even though your heart rate's probably going to be pounding out of your chest and just literally walk them through what it is they're maybe needing to understand in order to knock it out of the park for you. And then again, let it sit, let that translate so many times. What I find is that couples are so reticent to point out points and perspectives of the past and why they haven't been able to get this need met. Or they start talking to validate what it is they've just asked for. And they step over that moment where you're allowing your person to just truly choose in and to consider what has been asked of them, to truly consider. Do they have the capacity to do that for you? And so much more of it is a capacity conversation than it is a desire. I want to do that for you. I just don't know that I have the time, the ability, the emotional bandwidth, the understanding to do it. So this is a moment where we get to have that conversation. And so let them ask questions of you. Don't be frustrated about that because remember they're trying to learn with and from you what it is you're asking for. Truly. And so you might find as specific as you think you were in the ask, we're probably not very specific at all because what we have been taught to do is drop a hint and give this high level, like perspective. And I expect you to just be able to distill it down and compose a. Say it like this, like these exact words is what I'm looking for. And this kind of a touch, if you could just hold my hand or if you could just reassure me in this manner, it would make the difference to me. And just remember they don't know that. So sometimes there's a distillation that happens which takes me to the next step, which is regardless of how this goes, acknowledge your person for even listening and considering it for you. And here's what I want you to know is going to unders. I want you to understand is going to happen. Number one, you validated yourself because you're really laid it on the table. That's incredible. Like you've already won. This is a home run right there. So if you ever get the thing that's just going to be icing on the take because really the rejection, the self rejection that often happens has been offset by your willingness to advocate for yourself. So if you don't get it, you're going to find you feel a lot better than if you hadn't attempted to ask for the darn thing at all. Right? So you're already ahead of the game there as opposed to just dismissing it and shutting it down. And number two, truly appreciating someone who's trying to understand what it is you need and want is a gift. And that's really where the work and effort of relationship lies is me trying to understand what it is you need that may not make any sense to me, may not make any sense to me whatsoever. I don't understand why that's important to you. I don't understand why you need that, that. But you know what? Because I love you, I'm going to do my best to meet that need for you. I'm going to step in and do that. Even though it may not make any sense for me. Like that deserves some appreciation. So even if you just consider what I've asked, you've already won, right? And even if they were to say no, you've already won. Because instead of you sitting and wondering if they could do this or making it up that you can't. You've given yourself the greatest gift in the whole wide world. World. And then you know what? If you've truly hit the mark here by asking it 100, the funny thing is you notice it's okay with whatever the answer is. So we essentially take all of that, like emotional fodder of this was never going to work. They're never going to go along with this. I shouldn't ask. It's not okay. It's probably too much and it's probably irresponsible of me. They're not going to want to meet this. And now you're in a different place where you get to really see the truth and the reality of what is possible in your relationship. And you're only going to see that if you will do this for yourself. Right? As I have already said, 9 times out of 10, your person is going to want to do that thing that you want so much because they want this to go well too. Remember, they're struggling with knowing how to support and help you as well. Like, they don't know what to do. And they're not going to know what to do unless you share that with them. As Tom has already shared in many ways and oft times, this is a huge relief. Like, this is all I got to do because they're making up in their own minds and in their own experiences that I keep doing all these things that I'm trying to like through the process of osmosis, make you happy. And come to find out it's just this one little thing. That's it. Wow. Okay. Sometimes that's just so life giving and so freeing, man. I've been thinking all these other things and this is it. Oh, that makes so much. That makes me think of a client where they used to do a lot of ministry. And so they were in groups five out of six days a week. And when they would go to talk and mingle with these groups of people, he would ofttimes just leave her sitting at the table. And he was much more social and gregarious than she was. And so when we were embarking on a conversation such as this about asking for what it is you want, I remember her finally mustering up the courage to say, what I'd really like is when we're out with these groups of people and teaching and doing our work, that you would just every so often come back and grab my arm and tell me that I see you and check in on me. That would make the biggest difference for me in the whole wide world. And he's that's it, that's all you need from me. And she's yeah. He goes, I would have never guessed that, never in a million years. And so I think these are the things that start to become highlighted in our relationships. If we will venture into the place place of courage to validate ourselves, stop that self rejection and realize that all that is required for you to be worthy to advocate for yourself is to be alive. That's it. If you're among the living, if you're living and breathing and your heart is beating, then this entitles you to be able to advocate for what it is you emotionally need and want. Like it's important. And that demonstration that you get give to yourself by doing so will be life giving to you. And nine times out of 10, it's life giving to the relationship that you're desperately trying to save. Because now we're talking about the things that are really important and the things that are really needed as a means of turning this around in your relationship. And then guess what you're going to do? You're going to allow your person to do the same. So what is it you need and want from me that maybe I'm not seeing or understanding or getting? And then you know what, if you've downloaded this worksheet, you're going to teach it to them. You're going to say, hey, try this out. I think it's going to be really good for us because it does have the power to be really good for you. I want you to understand that asking is a true practice of not only self love but of kindness to your lover. That's the power that this has to give your relationship.

No, I, it's just, I find that this is very like I've shared before. This is great news, you know. You know the fact that I think some of us think only the chosen few can really have a great relationship and I know all three of us with great love and respect, we would challenge, challenge that assumption. No, I think it's absolutely available for all of us as long as all of us understand what's required. This is not a set. And forget everything we talk about here. Don't wait. This is a long play. That's why we created the Better Love Club. Hopefully just like we go to the health club or whatever practice that you do long term in your life to help you become a better version of yourself. This is really what we're talking about here. And guess what? Asking for what we need and Want is going to be a changing recipe for us and as well as our special someone that's constantly going to be changing, just like how we change as human beings.

If you find yourself having that feeling, like I talked about wanting goldfish as a little kid in your relationship where you're just like, God, please, I just wish my partner would do this one thing, take a minute and realize they're never gonna do it if you never ask. It's not because they're a bad partner. It's not because you have a bad relationship. It's because they're not a mind reader.

And for those, if you're listening in your car or walking or whatever and you're saying, yeah, yes, Tom, Stacy and Brooke, I've been asking for a long time and here she is not listening or they're not wanting to meet me there, me there, what would you say? I know we're not going to cover that in this episode. I bet there's one or two people that are feeling that right now. They are sharing that recipe. There are asking, but it is not.

Being met well at times. Number one, I'm just going to ask you to follow the framework that we've shared with you because oftentimes we think we're asking, but we're really not. We're demanding, we're leveraging, we're manipulating. Manipulating because it's what we know as human beings. We are master manipulators. And it's more of an understanding of not doing it than it is doing it because it happens so fast. I, as I like to say, I spend a lot of time in this conversation and I even have to check myself because I'm a human first and all these other things later. So I'm going to guess that it's probably manipulative, that there's some places where we could refine how it is you're asking to get a better result. And then the second place is it might be a capacity issue that needs to be explored with your partner that they might have so much going on. We can all understand what it feels like to know that somebody needs your attention and your time and your words of assurance and you just don't have it in the emotional gas tank to give. It's not because I don't love you. It's because of what I'm wrestling with inside of myself. And we don't talk about capacity enough. In my humble opinion, when it comes to relationships, we just think, if you're my lover, you're supposed to just always Be on and ready and available and have the capacity in the emotional gas tank. And I just want you to know, as you said, yes, that's a conversation for another time capacity. But it is a reality that, that very often if I'm not meeting your needs, it's a capacity issue. Not because I don't have a desire issue. And that capacity issue could lean into. I don't know how to do that for you. I don't know how to act. Ask for what it is you're asking me for because it's not anything that I've ever had the experience of. I understand it logically. I just don't know how to go there emotionally. And often there's a tremendous. A breakdown there as well. Like I hear what you're saying, I just have no idea how to do that. And there's a lot of breakdown and being able to say, do it like this and say it like this, or I'm talking about this. This is how that plays out. And we don't realize sometimes how shockingly granular we need to become when we're talking about things that we have no experience or reference to, as seemingly obvious as it appears to us. So just a couple of things to think through there. And this is the conversations and the practices that we have in the Better Love Club. Because ofttimes, left to our own devices, we don't know how to get there. So that's what I would say. If you're asking and you feel like you're asking and you're doing your part and it's still not going well, okay, then there's some other things that we need to look at. You probably need to get the help and support with that. So as we turn the corner and jump into a little bit of fun before we say goodbye, I wanted to. I was thinking about this episode today of asking and I thought so many times as couples, we know we need to share and we need to talk. But we have all of these places where we feel like we can't right now because of the state of our relationship. We can't talk about the in laws, we can't talk about the kids, and we can't talk about money. And oh, God forbid we talk about sex. That's always just a mess. And so what do we talk about when we know we need to share? And I thought our follow the fun today is going to be all about our conversation card cards, because that's what I created them for in this idea of practice, of asking for what it is we Want and showing up and sharing ourselves with another human being. We intuitively know that this is how connection is created. And we know we need to do it. We just don't know what to talk about. And so the cards were designed to say, okay, don't worry about it. Let's just have some fun. Pour your favorite beverage and pick a card and I'll take care of what we're going to talk about right now. Now.

So if you're watching, I'm picking a card. If you're listening, I'm picking a card. All right, this is out of our conversation cards for connection deck. And it's a question, and then it's going to be a thought provoking question and then your opposite person gets to answer.

You're going to answer first, right?

I am.

Well, however we want to do it, you could ask the question I answer first or you could ask the question you answer.

When was the last time you surprised someone with a gift for no reason?

Wow.

I know. I. I bought you a pack of gum.

It just shows you it's true. That was a gift for no reason.

In fact, Stacy was in the car and she was going into the stash of my orange flavored gum. And Stacy doesn't like orange flavored gum. She likes peppermint. I say, honey, now we're getting low on my gum. Don't be messing with my stash. Where's your pack? She said, it's not with me right now. Now I said, that's really not fair because you're going into my stash and we're talking about the last few sticks. That's real love, right?

Gum really does. It's crappy. I don't know what.

You only use it in a pinch.

In a pinch. A major pinch.

How about you?

The last time I gave a gift, I honestly, sadly, I've got to confess, I don't remember the last time.

I mean, I. I see what I'm dealing with. Listener. I never get this. No, I'm just kidding.

Is that true? I want to say a gift, a physical gift. I mean, I do.

Well, I mean, again, gift can be a lot of versions.

True. That's true. I mean, I guess I. I brought you coffee today. Is that a gift? Was that. Does that count?

You mean into my office? Yeah. No, because I asked you for it though.

Well, it's true. Okay, so we did the principal and we talked.

No, it was a wonderful. I said, honey, I'm going to my office. Could you please bring me a cup of coffee when it's ready. And you did.

I bought my fiance three shirts from Old Navy.

Oh, nice. Just because I bet Jack really appreciated those.

Yeah, he did.

Did they fit him?

Hey, how about the shorts that I bought you? That. That from Costco? Does that count?

I don't hardly remember.

Wow.

Okay.

I really need to up my game here, don't I?

No, that's a good one. No, but, yeah, but the point of the gum, it can. You know, a lot of times we don't do that because they think it's got to be grand. Grandiose. No, just a small. I know, Stacy. It's actually our grandkids.

They.

They know grandma always has gum, and so they grandma do. And so I just make sure grandma always has gum inside the purse. Really?

It's a win.

Win.

Yeah.

Grandma Stacy wins. Grandma wins. The grandkids win.

Yeah. If you need a pack of conversation cards, I have really good news for you. You can get them on our website, stacybarley.com you can order a pack, and you'll have them in your hands within seven days.

Brooke will be sending them out tidy.

Once, and they're helpful. I encourage couples to just set it on the kitchen table, and when you sit down to. To talk and spend time together, draw a card and.

Well, there's actually very precise instructions inside the deck. It's not really hard. There's about four set of instructions. They're very clear. We've never had someone say, can you please expand on the instructions? No phones allowed. Put your phone down, look at each other, literally. Because people would say, okay, Stacy, I understand what you're telling me, but I don't know what we're going to talk about. Okay. We heard that so many times. Literally, there's. How many Brook is in there? 52, 51, something like that.

Yeah, I can't remember. I think 49, maybe.

Okay, so you could almost do one for each week for almost a year.

So true. That's so true. So get them. They're fun. It's really fun. And we can start. And these cards have the power to take you lots of different places. Like, a small question can open up an entire conversation. And the one that I want to have with you is, gosh, honey, help me remember the last time that maybe.

I will keep updating you listener about when Stacy's going to surprise me with an unexpected gift, because obviously, there's a lot of. Of space the last time that happened. So we'll be updating you, and as.

We move in, it's kind of okay. Moving right along. You guys are going to be shocked by the song I picked.

You told me that before we started our show.

I bet I could win a million dollars and you guys would never ever guess.

Well, because we've got, we've got a lot of things. The Convergence. We've got birthday. A lot of gratitude. We got a lot of. So that's a. I don't know. I heard a little bit, to be fair. I'm. Usually, I'm in my office when Stacy's picking the song and I, I, I had music going because we always have music going. So I, I don't have a feel as to what you decided on.

So. It's a hard rock song.

Wow.

I know.

And that is because we're not.

Right.

Hard rock people.

This is a hard rock song. And there's not many, in the spirit of full disclosure, that, that resonate with me, but this one really did. And, and it's an old rock song. If we go back in time, it's like from the time of show Our age here.

Yeah.

I am going to show our age. And now I can't even think about the band. I was going to highlight Kids Kiss. That's what it was. It's like back in the day of Kiss, and their name is Zebra. I bet you've never even heard of Zebra before. But here's the thing that's so fun. They actually wrote and played a song called Tell Me what yout Want.

No way.

Oh, yeah.

Tell me what you want.

Tell me what you want. Which of course was selected for obvious reasons, but not only that, that when you play it and listen to it, it has this ability, because it is rock, to get you pumped up. Like you can get pumped up so that you can finally muster up the courage to just do what it is you know you need to do now. So put it on. Get pumped up. Be reminded that, you know it's on you to ask her what is you want. Tell them, come on, do it now. And the rock music is just going to help you get there. Are you shocked?

No, I was just gonna say, you can, you can remind the listener what it is you say to me. Sometimes when I look at you and you say, what did you say, baby? Remember I'm worth it, right? When you ask when I say it, or I may look like really, you really want me to do that? You say, remember, baby, really remember I'm worth it. So you can just remind yourself when you're listening to the song, you're worth it. You, you know what? You're human. You deserve to be able to ask for what you want. It really does matter. All kidding aside, and it can absolutely be a game changer. It can be absolutely.

It's going to help you with step one of the worksheet. Give yourself permission to ask. It's going to pump you up and get you ready to ask the question. Question to just close it and put it on the table. Yep, it's zebra. Tell me what you want. And if you want to listen to this song, along with all the songs that we have each and every episode going 122 episodes back, you can check out our playlist on Spotify Love Shack Live playlist and you can also go to our website to access the song so that you know you're listening to the right one. So I think that's a wrap yet again. We have another one on the back books. Thank you so much to you for being here with us and spending some time with us inside of the Love Shack. And if by chance you have a conversation or question that's come up for you from this episode or any of our episodes, quite frankly, we would love to hear from you. So don't hesitate to go to our website and reach out to us and share with us what's on your mind. We'd love to hear from you and I promise we will respond. We make that a passionate place of get to for us. So until next time, know that we send you off with love and care in the whole wide world and appreciation and go ask. I know there's probably some things in there you need to get busy with. So turn on the song and air down. Give her hell. See you next week. Bye bye for now.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.