#124: How to Address Small Issues Before They Become Big Problems In Relationships

We're all forgetful. We all make messes. But what we tend to do when we do make a mess as a human being, especially when we realize that it's important to my person, is I justify it or I dismiss it. I'll say things like, that's no big deal, right? Just move on. How important is that? What you don't realize on that small moment is that you've just dismissed your partner.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love shack.

Love Shack. Welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, and eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 124, little problem now, big problem Later. I'm Stacey Bartley and I'm the host of the show with my co host and lover, Tom, as well as with one of my favorite people in the world, Brookie Brown. She's also one of our team members and just happens to be be our daughter. She's going to be chiming in, I'm sure, from time to time, as she does. But here's where I want to go with this conversation. How is it that avoiding fights, forgetting important dates, talking your way out of cooking or doing the dishes for the evening, or even not wanting to have sex creates such big problems in our relationships? What the heck is going on here in and of themselves, that seems pretty benign and pretty justifiable that I always don't feel like I want to do those things. I thought after love we do as human beings, that love was the most powerful force in the universe. So what the hell is going on here? Initially, for all of us, it seems like it's no big deal. So I'm on the phone too much. Oh, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. Let's just move on or. Gosh, I'm sorry, I forgot to pick up something from the store. Can we just move on now and. Okay, all right, all right, I admit it. I can't remember our anniversary every year. But does that mean I don't love you? Does that mean I don't care? Maybe it does. So today I wanted to dive into this conversation because it seems to be an elusive one. How seemingly benign small little things day in and day out eventually create these big, huge problems that literally have the power to blow up your relationship and head you to divorce, to dissolving your relationship. So we're going to break it down for you so that you can understand how it is that little things become big things over time. And it is the little things that you need to pay more attention to and forget about worrying about the bigger things. Because if you take care of the little things, somehow the big things take care of themselves. So to understand how big things come from little things, let's provide you with a very simple framework about how relationships really work, which will help us understand this progression a little bit better. So, number one, I need you to understand that as humans, we all have a variety of thoughts and feelings that we experience every day. Like on the daily, day in, day out. I can't even get away from it when I sleep. And guess what? They're going to be different than those of your partner. And sometimes that's a difficult thing to wrap our head around because we feel like if I'm with my person, they totally get me and we're in sync and they can finish our sentences and we're playing matchy matchy. We've got to be on the same page. We got to feel the same way, we got to think the same way, or we have a big problem. And I need you to understand that sounds really romantic, but it's just not the reality. Like, we all have, as human beings, very different feelings, emotions, thoughts, perspectives, because we all come from very different experiences, and we all have very different emotional drivers inside of ourselves. Number two, when I have emotional safety to share with you, which is typically present in the beginning of a relationship, heck, it's even present when I'm risking meeting a stranger for the first time. Like, I don't really have an aversion to sharing. I just don't know how deeply I can share or how much to share of myself. But initially, I don't necessarily feel like, oh, there's no way I'm going to say that. And there's no way I'm going to say that. We are pretty open and willing to explore what might be possible in the beginning. It's only when things, you know, wear on in time that I start to make it up in my head that I can't talk about this, because the last time I did, we start to get a little experience under us. It blew up. We had a fight. That was the problem point that I criticized. You said some things I didn't mean, and then that was the point. You criticized me and maybe said some things you didn't mean, or maybe you did. And little by little, we start to create this narrative inside of our own minds of what's okay to talk about and what isn't based on the emotional safety that I am experiencing with you. And literally what I'm wanting, like what feels safe for me is that I feel valued, I feel cherished. And I say things like geez, I can share anything with you. And this creates connection between us. It's the kind then that we can co create life with. So this safety idea is very important because without it I won't share. And with it I just feel like you get me. I feel valued, I feel cherished, I feel important to you. And that's how most relationships start. And we develop enough connection between the two of us that we decide we're going to leap and take a big risk and co create a life together, move in, share finances, day to day chores, share our kids, make kids, do all kinds of things together. And we won't do it unless it typically feels safe on the front side. And then we move to the next one, which is through time that safety begins to get sacrificed from a variety of small things that then turn into big things. And this is when the connection that we built our life on begins to atrophy. Because I'm going to withhold, pull back, not share, cope in all kinds of ways in order to hang in there and hopefully through time this will turn around and get better. And all that's holding us together eventually is the money and the kids. Because the emotional connection that we once had in the beginning is now atrophied to such a point in time that there's nothing holding us together emotionally. And so we find that couples say I really want to feel emotionally connected to my person and we have an intuitive knowledge that it's going to take communication. So when these things seem so intuit and so obviously why the hell is it so hard? The reality is small issues on our relationships can be easily overlooked. And those are the things that we want to talk about today because those are the things that lead to the breakdown that we just talked about. So it's important to identify them and to learn how to address these issues early on to prevent them turning into big deals. Sacrifice everything that we are so desperately doing, everything we can to build, to create, to sustain for the long haul. I don't know of any two people that decide they want to co create together and merge their lives, whether that's just through moving in together or getting married, that don't really want the best and that really don't want it to last the long haul. Like we really are doing our very Best. And these little problems now, big problems later, are at the heart of the matter. So if we can understand the little stuff, that's really going to give us a leg up into understanding how they turn into big stuff. So I want to give you some examples of some small problems. And I've been doing a lot of talking here, so maybe I had to let you chime in on those.

I think this mirrors many other places in life where we discount, I always say, my success in life. As I look back, it's been the small consistencies over time that has led me to success. A lot of times we're swinging for the home run. And if you take a sports analogy, usually the best baseball players, if you will, the difference between being someone that doesn't play often and someone that plays all the time and as an All Star is one additional bat, excuse me, one additional hit every 10 at bats, meaning you get a hit three out of 10 versus two out of 10. It's just that eight degrees of separation that we hear that really is a huge difference.

Agree. And so if we can keep an eye on the small things, it usually prevents the big things from happening. Except for the majority of us don't have this conversation, so we don't know the small things to keep track of. So let's give you a few of the most popular that we bump into. And the first one I want to start with is the unwillingness to stop an escalating fight. Like a fight starts, a disagreement happens and then we're all in to prove our point or to be right or to, or to dismiss and shut down our partner. So we'll take it to whatever degree we need to. You know, that over time is going to sacrifice the safety that we just talked about and basically break down not only yourself but your partner and your relationship. Another one is not spending enough quality time together. Now I know some of you are rolling your eyes like geez, how much time does it take for gosh sakes? There's a difference between quantity and quality. Quality means that it's you and me, we're undistracted, we're sharing, we're spending time together that's enjoyable, that's quality. Quantity is doing the dishes together, eating meals together with the family, cleaning the house, doing the yard work. And there's a difference there. One, I get to share what's going on inside of myself emotionally. My thoughts, my feelings, my perspective. And the other is we're just hanging out and not sharing any of those things, but getting tasks done I bet.

That there's a large majority of couples who spend zero quality time together. They may spend a fair amount of time together, like wrangling the kids and cooking dinner. One is doing the dishes while the other one's feeding the kids, things like that. Or even on the weekends running errands together. But everyone's in the car. That's not quality time. That's just time. So quality time is, like you just said, it's something that makes you feel good after it's over. It's not just completing chores together.

And there's a. I want to point out that there's an essence to quality time where when I'm done with spending quality time with my partner, I feel like they get me, that they understand me, that we've been able to share maybe a future, hope and dream, or maybe clean up a mess, or just simply share where we're at emotionally and what we're struggling with, or what we're hopeful for, what we're celebrating together. And then there's this unique sense that you're with me in this, that we're together in this, that you get me, that you're my person. And it's that emotional quality that creates what we would call quality time. And we know from research and from practice and from working with couples that you can't obtain that unless there's some privacy, there's some intention, and there's some sharing emotionally that goes on. And again, going back to what creates connection in the first place, if it's not emotionally safe, I'm not going there. We will continue to talk about the weather. We'll continue to talk about the kids and the soccer practice and how we're going to. And when we're going to repaint the house or take the family vacation. And that's never going to give you the emotional experience that you're looking for that quality time can deliver. And so I just want to create some distinctions there. Let's move to the next one, which is forgetting important dates or events. This is a little problem now, big problem later. Here's the thing about forgetting. We're all forgetful. We all make messes. But what we tend to do when we do make a mess as a human being, especially when we realize that it's important to my person, is I justify it or I dismiss it. I'll say things like, that's no big deal, right? Just move on. How important is that? What you don't realize on that small moment is that you've just dismissed your partner. And the things that are important to them, just because they're not important to you doesn't take away the fact that it's important to them. And this is where we go back to some of those differences. Now, I get it. You're probably going to struggle and wrestle with remembering things that are not important to you. But if you continue to negate and dismiss your partner and the things that are important to them, they're not going to be around forever. They're. You're dismissing the differences between the two of you and you're playing that matchy matchy game again, that if it's not important to me, then it's not important. So just get over and come to terms with it. It doesn't work like that.

Yeah, I think for me, the analogy is, and we may have talked about this, I know we talked about this in Better Love Club, each one of these omissions, if you will, or these slights or these things, the little things that you missed and didn't act on, it's a little out of that emotional safety and permission that we talk about. And so by taking care of these small things that maybe don't seem so big for you, but they are for your special, someone puts a deposit into that. So you have to, just like from the financial accounting world, we want more deposits than we want withdrawals. And so if you can get your mind around it like that, like me, because I'm logical, you just have to make sure you're more on the deposit side of the ledger than you are on the withdrawal side of the ledger. Because it's simple energy, if you will.

For me, it reminds me of the analogy of death by a thousand cuts. So a lot of times we think about our relationships as this, like, very, like, enigma, like it's an imaginary thing. But if you think about it as something physical, like a body, you can't continuously damage or injure something and have no consequences. If you continually have little scars or cuts on a person or your heart, let's say, because our hearts are emotional, eventually there's going to be pain that is unbearable. And so we think that we can continually hurt our partner or hurt our relationship, and then we're shocked when our partner says, hey, I'm in a lot of pain, or this relationship is beyond repair. But if you think about it in the physical, mom too, like, you always bring things back to the physical because we can understand that better. It makes a lot of sense. You can't continually hurt something and expect there to be no repair.

Let me just ask Babe, on all of our clients and things that you work with, do you find more times than not at least maybe with one of the partners that he or she seems like it has this problem or this on the verge of divorce has come out of nowhere. And like you always say, once we really fully understand both sides of the story, the dots start to connect really easily. And yes, it has not been all of a sudden came out of nowhere.

And you know what? We're going to talk about that in part two when we move to the consequences of ignoring and justifying.

Brooke and I are always ahead of the script because we don't know what you're talking about.

That's okay. I love it because it kind of lets everybody know where we're going, but we're going to dive into that is typically the case and there's a reason for that. But as we continue on with these examples of small problems, you're starting to see that, yes, forgetting important dates and events creates a disappointment in me. And yeah, I can take 1 or 2 or 10 or 50. But at some point in time, just as Brooke described death by a thousand cuts, emotionally, unfortunately, I, as a human being, I'm going to start to make up why it is that you don't remember. And what I'm going to probably conclude is that I'm not important enough for you to remember. Now, I get that may not be true for your partner, right? I get that they're probably reeling in their own internal stuff and have different things on their mind or different ways of looking at the world. Nonetheless, it does not negate the fact that your partner is dying by death of a thousand cuts. And just because it doesn't make any sense to you doesn't mean it's not a real experience that your person is having. And eventually, if that goes unaddressed, it's going to create a problem. I like to say it like this. If your partner has a problem, so do you like it's a we thing, right? There's me and my stuff and there's you and your stuff, and then there's our stuff. And our stuff is a byproduct of how I think and feel and how you think and feel. And then there's us, and it's going to come back around to get you. So if your person is struggling with something that you don't relate to or understand, then you'd probably behoove you to address it. Because if they have a problem, if you're a we, then you have A problem too. And it would behoove you to get to the prob. The bottom of that. And this brings us to the next one, which is that failure to communicate, misunderstandings, hurts, pains, really any kind of negative emotion because we're not really equipped to talk about those kinds of things. In fact, we feel awkward or bad for even maybe feeling negative emotions. I just want to. I want to just clear the air once and for all right here. I just need you to know that's normal. As human beings. We're going to have negative emotions just like we're going to have uplifting positive emotions and optimistic outlooks. We have the ability to do both and we're going to do both. So if there's negativity brewing inside, then we're going to talk about some remedies for handling that. But just for right now, in this conversation that we're having in this moment today, no, it's normal. And it's really our awkwardness and our lack of knowing how and the uncertainty that we feel to bring some of these more difficult things to the table that often begins to sacrifice the emotional safety. So the communication is going to be a sideline byproduct of that. What communication? There won't be any. Because everybody's retreating with inside of themselves in a hopes that this is just going to go better and somehow resolve itself. That's definitely a little problem now, big problem later, not showing enough affection or intimacy. Some of us use this as a huge benchmark as human beings in regards to the well being of our relationship. Not everyone, but a fair percentage of us do. And so if we're not making love and we're not having sex, then I'm starting to make up a bunch of things in my perspective and in my own thinking that we have big problems here. Now that can also hit you on the flip side where you know there's emotional problems. But hey, I don't have to worry about it. I can totally let it go and dismiss it because we're having sex, sex every Sunday. We're having sex once a week. I'm above the average, right? So everything's fine. So I want you to understand that lack of intimacy can swing either way in regards to you dismissing the little things that are playing out there, not showing an interest in your partner and what they're experiencing, what's going on for them, essentially just trying to ignore it so that we don't have to talk about anything awkward or anything negative or create a fight. I need you to understand that if you're not fighting. It does not mean that your relationship is healthy. It means we're not talking. Nine times out of 10, it means we're not sharing or talking about or working through the things that are naturally and normally coming up that work in our relationship and that don't work in our relationship. Another small thing that initially is not a really big thing, we can let it go, but actually transfers into a big deal is any kind of nitpicking or criticizing or teaching and preaching or telling my partner how they feel and what they need and what they should do. Like those are things that you would think in the sweetheart aspects of your heart and just trying to help them and support them and cheer them on. You don't realize that you're actually criticizing them, you're actually teaching and preaching and making them feel small and unable and that they don't know the way. And nothing actually gives your partner more of what they need than if you would just let them do the talking and listen to them. We have a whole episode that I'm going to point to many times throughout this conversation that would really help you with that. And I guess I ought to just say it right now, right? That's episode number one 23, about listening and sharing. And there's some real incredibly powerful do's and don'ts there because oftentimes in our effort to help, we end up shutting the communication unknowingly down because we become or come off as critical or nitpicking our partner. And those little things will add up to very big things later. And I have two more here that I just think. I know this is a long list, but I think it's important for us to realize, okay, in this long list, think about how many little teeny tiny things, day in and day out go on spending too much time on our phones and other devices. Why is that such a problem? Because you're distracted, because you're not listening, because you're not present. Right? That takes away from the quality time that makes me feel like you hear me, you get me, you're listening to me, you remember me. And when that goes missing, then that's going to create a big problem down the road. And the last one is just disagreements on all of these little teeny tiny, seemingly ridiculous things that we tend to fight about and get into arguments about what to watch, for example, or what to eat or who should be wearing what or how you should be saying such and such to so and so. These are little teeny tiny, egregious Things that we tend to get all wound up in that take us nowhere good. So I thought it would be helpful to. And I just want you to know, just because Tom and I do this work and support couples from around the world does not mean that we are absolved from dealing with some of these small things, just like you do. We're human first, and then the work and the credentials or anything that we might have come after that. We're still very much in the throes of human experience. And often I will pull stories from our life to help you see and understand what might be playing out in your life.

So you're saying we're good at mess making? Oh, mess making machines.

And as I like to say to my clients, I teach this and share this because I need reminding more than most. So that's why this is my chosen field that I'm very impassioned about, because I don't ever feel like I'm going to arrive in this area, that there's always places where I need to be reminded and I need to expand and explore and do my own emotional push ups. And that's true for all of us. We'll talk about that too. But this emotional journey, this relational journey, it doesn't ever end. It's kind of like brushing your teeth or washing your body, eating right, you know, doing your exercise so that there is some longevity to it. And that's going to be required in all of these emotional aspects as well. That there is a constant need to nurture it, to be mindful of it, to clean up messes and to come back around again and again and again because you're never done. And so this little problem becomes big problems. And I had one occur just not that long ago when, ironically, I was actually writing a podcast episode on defensiveness. And I was pretty stressed and I was pretty spun up because I was behind my deadline. And Tom inadvertently walked into the house and I was asking him for a cup of coffee, please could you get me a second cup of coffee? And he looked at my cup and saw that I already had a cup of coffee and shot back to me, how many cups of coffee have you had? And at this point in time, I become, just because of my own stress and my own shit that was going on inside of me, I said, why does it matter how many cups of coffee I've had? Just get me a cup of coffee. And I could tell by doing that, he just shut down and he quietly got me a cup of coffee. And then he hooked the dog up on the leash and walked out the front door, and I sat there and it just felt icky, like, you know, you've had those moments. Come on, be honest with me. I'm being honest with you. You've had those moments where something just played out. That was a little thing that I could justify and go, we were just talking about coffee. It's no big deal. Actually, it was a really big deal. And the reason why it was a really big deal and I wanted to address it while it was a small thing, was this thought. What if I had been successful in shutting Tom down from never asking me or inquiring again about anything that was going on for me or anything that didn't make sense to me or to him? What in the world did I just accomplish accomplished? Him shutting down, disengaging, pulling away and not sharing what was going on or exploring maybe some curiosity or questions that he had in his own mind over time. Can you see how that's going to turn into a big problem in our relationship? Think about the breakdown in communication. Think about the breakdown in safety. Think about the willingness to share anything that might be a question or a curiosity or something that doesn't make sense to him. Is that really what I want? Is that really what is going to help us create the longevity that we say we want in our relationship? And now I know you know the answer. And so I did, too, in that moment. That's why it felt so icky. I had just done something in a very small way that could, in the end, greatly impact the health and the resiliency and the connection in my relationship. And so immediately when he walked in the door, I immediately said, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I shouldn't have responded the way that I did. I'm so sorry, and thank you for getting me that second cup of coffee. And then from that place, we could actually talk about what was going on for him. And it was just really an act of curiosity. He could see that I already had a cup of coffee, and from his perspective and his experience was just simply asking, gosh, how many? How many we're working on here? You know, we got five, we got 10. Gosh, you're going to be kind of wired and fired up, which I bet you can probably guess by now. I run a little hot anyway. And I don't know, maybe there was a little concern in there, too. Damn, where are we going with this girl? And that would have been warranted, too, where we can share and vet out the thoughts and feelings that we have is really the idea behind creating a safe space to do so. And listen, we're all going to make messes just like I did. That's not the point. It's not about being perfect. I'm not sharing these small things with you so that you can be perfect. I'm sharing these small things with you so that when you catch yourself doing them that you'll immediately clean them up so that they don't turn into big things.

And I think that's a great example too of. And you'll hear us say this is many times we're demonstrating. I like that it's a less technical term than behaving in the very exact way of what we're arguing against that our partner is demonstrating. So you're doing the very thing you're behaving in the very way of what you don't like is going on with your partner. I find that fascinating and I've shared that with people on clarity calls think, oh my gosh, I've never realized it. I've never looked at. Yeah, it's hard because that self analysis to be able to turn within and look where might we be showing up that in that way is challenging but it's important to realize that so. And I don't think that we're doing it from a place of being disingenuous. It's simply we don't realize that we're. So be careful what it is that you're fighting against and maybe ask a better question. Are there places that I'm showing up in that very way that. But I'm also not liking my partner in doing so.

I want you to understand just with regards to what you're saying, it's the dismissal, the criticism, the lack of meeting needs, the dismissing of the wants, the dreams, the opinions along with taking your emotions out on your partner that eventually turn those small things into big things. Just like I had described. We sacrifice the emotional safety so the communication stops. Like that's so important. You understand that if I had not cleaned that up with Tom, right. It would have curtailed the amount of sharing and communication that we were going to have in the future. Like it or not. It doesn't matter how well I could justify it. It doesn't matter the story that I make up about why that was so silly and he shouldn't have asked me to just give me a cup of coffee. And one of the things that Tom and I can talk about very openly are differences in our personality. He's a very detailed, what I would call hyper vigilant person who's wanting data and detail. And I'm very much the opposite of that. I'm more of a dreamer and a big picture planner. And we compliment each other very well, but when we get frustrated and we get stressed, these two things can tend to collide very easily, just like they did in the story that I shared with you. And I was thinking, why do you care how many cups of coffee I've had? Get off it. Just give me what I need. And Tom was simply just curiously vetting out what was playing out so that he could step in and support me the very best that he could. And I want you to see that both people had a valid point, but not at the dismissal or the negating of the other side.

And I just have to share that. I'll make it really quick. And this is. Stacy's gonna. This is really funny. And I. And it's important, I think the more certain that we are that there's absolutely. There's no way that we're off base is then you really have to really make sure you're checking with yourself. So I'm also a real estate appraiser that you may or may not be aware of. And so the other day, my software. What the heck is going on? I could not get the date on the report. I said, honey, there's something wrong with this software.

And I just need you to know that this little detail that he can't get right is going to drive him mad.

And it's an important part. Like you can't send in the wrong date on the report. So I said, all right, I've got incredible company with awesome customer service.

And.

And I forget the gentleman's name who said, yeah, Tom, what can we do for. I said, for the life of me, I cannot.

This stupid program.

I can't get March 6 to go on the date of, you know, that I'm signing the report and there's a pause there and he says, Tom, here in Oklahoma, it's actually March 5th, I think. OMG. So the software was smarter than me and it would not allow me to post date something when it wasn't that day. So I find the more. And I've shared some other similar stories that I have been absolutely certain because when I'm certain, I'm pretty proud of my product. Like, no, no, no. Tom Bartley does not make that mistake. I think. Omg. Where else again might I be showing up so certain that I'm right? And you're wrong.

And when we make simple mistakes, I mean, just think about in this moment, how do you handle those? Can you take responsibility for them or do you get defensive about them? Do you justify them? Can you just say, oh, my gosh, honey, I was just trying to put the date that he hasn't even arrived yet on my report. Or do you say, stupid software doesn't know what it's talking about? And so what doesn't really?

I said, oh, yeah, there's a bug. They're gonna have to come in a remote and everything. And it took.

He said.

I said, I am sorry for the bother. He says, oh, no, Tom, I. I like these kind of problems. These are easy to fix. I guess it was. Yeah, I had the wrong. It was the wrong day.

And I just want to point out that part of what helps Tom and I navigate some of the differences that we have by just being different people is that we create and maintain and continuously intend to create the safe space to talk about it. That I can talk about the fact that he's a hyper, vigilant, detailed person, and he can write, tease me, or talk about and share and try and live a little bit vicariously through each other about the differences of where we live inside of our own human experience. And this creates a depth of connection within us. And sometimes it creates the frustration that we need to circle back. And I always tease him, do you want that in a data spreadsheet complete with graphs and pie charts? And he'll say, the land you live in, where is that place? Let me visit from time to time. And I just want you to know that you've got to be able to talk about the teeny stuff as well as honor the fact that what's important to your partner is important to them. And it behooves you to not dismiss it, criticize it, belittle it, shut it down. Because then when you do, the communication stops and then they pull away emotionally. And they will find other outlets of coping or other people that they feel understand or get them, that they feel safe enough to share with. That's just the reality of how we operate as human beings. And the connection that you once had begins to atrophy. And that's what turns little problems now into big problems later. So let's talk about the slow decline. And this is where I'm going to circle back to some comments that Tom and Brooke made at the beginning of the show. Because in this slow decline with one person dismissing, maybe rising or belittling or trying to prove that their way is superior or better or right, and the other person is consistently feeling negated, dismissed, forgotten about, put to the side, inconvenient, etc. This is what creates a slow decline to where one person feels like it all fell apart out of nowhere. That's the person that's dismissing, negating, justifying, feeling, right? Feeling like they've got it all figured out in spite of their partner, literally begging for time, sex, attention, remembrance, all of those little teeny tiny things. And they're like, yeah, whatever, I bring home the bacon, I take care of the kids, I do the laundry. What more do you want from me? And so the person that is being dismissed and negated begins to break down and fall apart, and the person who feels negated is just done. They get to a point where they're just out of emotional gas. It's not right, it's not wrong. I just need you to understand that's how the process works. So if you're the person that's like, basically justifying what you're doing as you're shutting down, dismissing, criticizing the behavior that you're doing while the person that you say you're in a relationship with is begging for these small things that you continuously dismiss again and again and again, there's going to come a point in time where they're done and now you're going to feel blown out of the water, like, what? How did we get here? This is how you got there is because of the dismissing, because of the putting down. Just like I said in my conversation with Tom, right. I could have easily justified that in my own mind and thought I didn't need to clean it up. And it was no big deal in spite of the way that I was feeling. Right. I could have gotten defensive in that moment. But it's little things like that that add up over time to where Tom would come and say, I'm done. And I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. And he's like, yeah, I'm done. I. Because I can't get any of my emotional needs met, I feel like I'm dismissed, I'm shut down. I've criticized. There's no room or space for me in this relationship, Right? And I'm not be able to take that forever as a human being, regardless of how we justify it or how we spin it. And that's what creates the slow decline over time. So I want to also point out some things that you might be experiencing that show you're in a state of slow decline. I think that would be important for you to see and understand.

This just reminds me of an experience I had with an ex partner who really liked to drink. And I have a interesting relationship with alcohol because a close family member of mine is an alcoholic. And so I can be sensitive around people who are too drunk. I don't like it. It makes me feel emotionally unsafe and really uncomfortable. And it just makes me. It triggers me. I was at a work event with this partner. It was for his work. And we were at a. I think it was the A's baseball game in the Bay Area. And he worked at a restaurant, his place of business rented a party bus and took us to the A's game. I don't remember what it was for, but I was begging him to please not get too drunk. Just like begging him, like, crying in, like, the bathroom of the A's game because we were in, like, a private box or something. I was like, please, could you just please not get too drunk? And he was like, no, I'm not promising you that. I don't have a responsibility to promise you that. And you don't get to ask me to do that. This is my day off. I'm gonna have a good time. I can have. I can party if I want to. And I was just begging him to please not do it. And I remember in that moment just feeling so disregarded, like, okay, I can't believe that I could be begging you and telling you that. It legitimately scares me because I know all of your co workers are going to be really drunk and you're going to be really drunk. And I don't know where we are. Like, we're not close to home. We're two hours away. We still have this whole bus ride back home. There's a lot of day left. And it just makes me so uncomfortable to be in that environment. And I didn't think it was going to be like that when I agreed to go. And he did not agree, and he did get really drunk and everyone was wasted and it was horribly uncomfortable. And I just. That continued to be a pattern for the rest of our relationship. And I just want to point out to people that if you. If a partner is legitimately asking you something from a place of emotional pain like that, please don't do this to me. It reminds me of my childhood and really painful stuff comes up for me when you do this behavior that is. I don't know, it's just egregious disrespect. And all of these other things, but for him, it seemed like a very small problem. I guess that's my point. For him, it seemed like no big deal. I'm just having a day off. I want to have fun. Please stop asking me to not have fun on my day off.

I just want to point out here that it wouldn't be really about. And we say this a lot. It's not about the circumstances of what's playing out. It's more about addressing the emotional driver underneath it. It. And so in this particular case, if your partner would have known how to better handle that, to acknowledge and accept and validate the experiences that you were having emotionally, it really didn't have a lot to do with the fact that he chose to drink or not. It was more about the part that he would listen to you. Yeah. If you would understand where you were coming from. And a question that comes to my mind as you share this story in real time today is, gosh, honey, what's so uncomfortable about this for you? And how is it or what it is that I can do to help you feel safe and to let you know that we're okay and that we're in this together and that I've got your back? And it may or may not have to do with him. Just the part was dismissing you and not even willing to have the conversation. But I think if you had a sense, you correct me if I'm wrong, if that he really understood where you were coming from and why this was so important to you and such a trigger for you that it really wouldn't have mattered whether he got a little tipsy and drunk or not. No, it was more about him just understanding where you were coming from and what was coming up for you and the fact that you could share it with him and he could say, babe, that's so tough. Yeah, gosh, I'm here for you. I love you, and of course, I'll keep you by my side and give you a hug and.

And, yeah. And it couldn't. It couldn't have been more opposite. From what you're describing, I was completely dismissed and made to feel like a fool and, like, for even bringing that up. And so I just wanted to share that because I think there are a lot of situations where things like that happen in relationship relationships where the. And where the person who is dismissing the other one feels totally validated in doing so.

You know, just to stack on that. That is I. That is. It's so crucial and it's so infrequent do we run across that in our lives? I'm blessed to be married and with a partner that is. I've never had someone that is so aware of my experience and willing to ask me how she can support me even when it's not her own. So I think that dismissals because we can't expand our awareness enough to realize, look, it's not that you don't have that problem, but if you care for your special someone, the greatest way we can demonstrate that caring is to ask him or her, just like Stacy just demonstrated right there. And I can absolutely guarantee you, at least from my own personal experience, it is a game changer.

Yeah.

Like Brooke just said, that's not how it went down. That would have gone down. It would have totally transformed that. That really, really bad experience into a manageable one.

Yeah.

And I just want to point out that it doesn't mean that you couldn't drink and have a good time.

No, that's what I'm saying. Yes.

Yeah. I would have just. It would have given you the permission to address what was going on or coming up for your partner instead of just saying, I'm here to have a good time, and I'm gonna have a good time whether you like it or not, and. And forget about how you're feeling, just get over it. Where the belittling and the made to feel like a fool and all of that came from was just. Just him justifying his own disregard for what his partner was going through. And I just want to impress upon you that if you address these things when they're little things, you can still go on, have a good time, and still have the experience that you're longing for. You've simply just taken a moment to address and literally hear and validate where your partner is, and the two of you together have decided what it is you can do together. A team, you say, we want team instead of competition. This is how you get there as a team. To navigate the needs of both people from an emotional place. It's not even close to what. It doesn't really matter what plays out as the doing part. It's this emotional dismissal, negating that we feel awkward and don't know how to address continuously happens over time, and it creates big, big problems. So this. This also leads to. If you're in a slow decline, what you're going to start to see show up in your relationship is lack of communication, a lack of spending time together, a lack of sex and intimacy, requests for help and support that we just were talking about right here, they stop because I don't trust or believe that you're even going to give consideration to what's coming up for me. So I'm just going to stop going to the event. You know, Brooke, I bet you stopped going to some of those events. I don't even know how to navigate this with you. So I'm just going to stay home, go ahead and do your thing because that helps me manage my own emotional well being. My support for Tom making coffee or asking me about coffee, going back to our story going to stop all of a sudden, he's going to go get your own damn coffee. Whatever. I'm done trying to support you, help you, be there for you. There's also an increase in arguments and we continue to justify saying and doing things to our partners and that we wouldn't even do and say to our enemies. And that's how you ultimately know that you're in a slow progression of breakdown, that you're consistently justifying what it is that you just said or did to your partner. That when your heart of hearts at the end of the day are really messed up, but you justify it because of what they said to you or what they did to you or how they caused you to feel or what they didn't do for you. And so it kind of becomes this equation of everybody's doing it and I'll be damned if you're going to do it to me. If you're in that mindset and you're in a slow progression of breakdown and it's only a matter of time before the timer goes off and you know what? Somebody's going to say, I think we're done now, I think we're good now because we can't hang out in places of breakdown for long periods of time or it compromises our own mental, physical and emotional well being. Like we just can't go there. And if we do, it's not going to go well anyway because I'm going to be a hot mess personally as well as relationally with you. And this is the dysfunction that often shows up in relationships. So let's move into what you can do about it, right? So you can see maybe you might be in a path or a progression of breakdown because of these little things that as you're starting to see and we talk about them have been brewing in your relationship. And now, oh my gosh, we're in this process or this place of breakdown because you might be saying right now, all those things are happening in my relationship. Relationship okay, here's what I want you to know. Don't panic. Take a breath. The first thing that we need to do is we need to face the mess and stop justifying it. Stop telling the story that this is okay and address the issue by tackling it head on. It's important for you to take action and address the small stuff before it turns into the big stuff. And by chance, if it's turned into the big stuff again, all you need to do is turn and face it it, talk about it, address it, name it, and that's going to help us be able to turn it all around. When your partner asks you for something and you do it, it doesn't mean that it takes away from the meaning behind it. This shows up a lot when we're trying to face it, address it, and go in a different direction. Because the conversation that we often get on our social media channels is, if I do it because my person asked me to or told me that this is what they needed, it's not romantic. That makes me crack up. Because that in and of itself is just a dismissal of doing the thing that your partner just asked you to do. Because here's the. Here's the deal. Like, you're not going to have to worry about being romantic because you know What? In about 10 years from now, they're not going to be around anyway. So forget all about the problem of romance, that thing in the garbage can. And so your partner is giving you the prescription and the recipe about what would help them feel good and connected and loved by you. Look, you can take it and do it, or you can try and figure it out on your own. And I'm going to tell you which one's going to go better if you'll follow the recipe that they're giving you. Because we as humans know what we need, and it's our responsibility to teach our partners how to love us best. And if you're going to negate that and not allow me to teach you what it is that works for me, don't worry about the romance, because I'm not going to be around for you to worry about it. And it also takes you off the hook from having to spin up an anxiety about trying to get it right and be enough and figure it out. Like, nothing could be more simple than somebody just saying, this is what I need. Will you do it? You don't realize that you're being given the golden egg.

Another slightly different argument that people make about that is that it has no meaning, so they don't worry that it's not romantic. They worry that if my partner asked me to do this thing and then I do it, it doesn't mean anything, then I don't understand why we have this belief that we have to magically come up with the idea in our own head of what to do in a relationship. And if we do what our partner asks us to do, that specifically has no meaning. I don't understand why we've created that false belief.

It has a lot to do with the idea of perfection. So I want to be able to create this wonderfully romantic experience for my partner and just know and anticipate what it is they need. And then it would have so much meaning for the person who's coming up with the idea. And so instead of being able to, because we don't know what that is, tried probably several things, or we don't even know where to begin. So we're going to procrastinate it and never do anything. Yes, never do anything.

I would just say think about when you share something with your special someone, or even maybe, you know, a family member or whatever, and there's a period of time and then he or she remembers what it is you shared with accuracy and specificity, you think, oh my gosh, you remember. It's exactly as I shared it with you. You want to talk about hitting a home run.

And I just want to point out back to this meaning conversation. Look, it may not have a lot of meaning for you because you're not the one that came up with the idea. And that might be disappointing because you're wanting to be Mr. Or Mrs. Don Juan. That knocks it out the of park. Okay, that's on you. It may not have a lot of meaning for you, but believe me, if you do what it is they're requesting, it's going to have a tremendous amount of meaning for the person that just asked or taught you how to love them best. And from there you can build. And what's ironic is if you'll be open to that, ideas are going to begin to funnel. You're not going to risk the very foundation of your emotional connection in order for you to sit on it long enough to come up with this, this grand idea about how you're going to create meaning out of this. You don't have to put yourself through that. Like, just let them teach you and show you act on that and we can build and improve from there to where you feel like, oh my gosh, I do understand enough about my partner to now create something that's meaningful for you as well. Because just because it's not feeling meaningful to you doesn't mean it's not going to knock it out of the park for them. That's just a great and an easy place to begin, and that's where most of us do need to begin, is you need to learn enough about your partner to be able to pull those wonderful ideas out of the thin air to where you go, look at what I did. I just created a ton of meaning. And I feel really good about myself because I know how to love my partner. Like, get off it. It's not about you.

And also, let's just address the elephant in the room. If you're coming out of a period in your relationship where you've been doing nothing for potentially years, you're not just gonna all of a sudden start creating these meaningful, wonderful experiences, experiences that are like a fairy tale. You have to start by doing what your partner asks.

It's a scale.

So even if doing the thing, like, if your partner says, hey, I would love if you sent me a text telling me how much you love me during the day, that's going to feel awkward at first. You're going to be like, okay, I'm doing the thing you asked. I kind of feel like a robot. But eventually, you're going to add your own flavor to it, and it's going to be just a thing that you do, and you do it in your own way. But you have. Don't let that stop you from doing it. It's going to be maybe weird, but your partner is going to be like, oh, my God, look, he texts me, and it means so much to me, and I feel so loved. Why would you not want that?

Yes, exactly. And they're not telling you or forcing you. No, because we all know that you have the choice. They all know that you have the choice to do this or not. And so if we get rebellious and say that that's silly, I shouldn't have to do that. Let's just shut it down and dismiss it. Well, okay, but you're dismissing what your partner has just asked you for, which would make all the difference in the world. So you're creating meaning, and then you can build on that and create more meaning. That's outside of maybe that simple text message. It's just a place to begin. So here's what you can do right now. Number one, let your partner know that you see little things turning into big things. Like, okay, I'm. I heard this podcast episode. I see that There are little things in our relationship that are turning into big things. And let them know that you love them and that you care about them. And you don't want that to continue to be the experience that we or the path that we go down in our relationship. And the second thing I would encourage you to do is to listen to this episode together. Let them take it the same trip that you've just taken by listening to this episode so they also can see and have an experience and be reflective about the things that are maybe little things now that turn into big things later. And then third. Schedule consistent, uninterrupted time to just share. Look, it doesn't have to be hours and days. Sometimes we think we need to take an extravagant vacation in order to create this experience. No, you don't. Like 20 minutes or 30 minutes on a consistent basis throughout the week would make all the difference in the world. It's just time that you intentionally carve out for each other. And even if we don't have this soul rocking, heartfelt expression of our emotions, just the fact that you would do that, that you would carve out the 20 or 30 minutes consistently through time, that will be the demonstration that you matter to me, that I care about you, and I want this to go well and I'm willing to do my part. That's huge. Tom and I used to get a coffee every morning in the drive through. Some mornings we'd have very deep connection and conversations. And some conversations were just listening to music or sharing something that we were reading and drinking our coffee. The fact was, what was important was that we had taken the time and made the effort to spend that quality time together, just he and I. So schedule that. Get it on the calendar. Talk to your person about how important you think this will be because it is very important. And then four is plan some fun together. Remember why you fell in love in the first place. Sometimes we just need to start over. And we go back to the beginning of. Remember when you started dating. We weren't talking about what we were to become. We were thinking about all the ways we could have a good time together. And we can do that again in these moments of realizing we've got to let this stuff go because it's taking us in a direction we don't want to go. And let's rebuild from the place of enjoying each other's company again. Let's rethink things that used to bring fun and delight and enjoyment into our relationship. Relationship. And then five, you can create a do over like Identify one or two little things that have turned into big things and make an effort to do them differently and talk about them. And okay, here's where I've messed up and here's what I'm going to do differently and here's what I'd like to ask you for. Those would be great things to just focus on so that we can make some progression in turning some of those little things that have turned into big things back into little things that we can continue to improve and get better at in our relationships. And then the last thing I'm going to encourage you to do is be consistent at maintaining healthy relationships. Because it is going to require ongoing effort, but it absolutely has lifetime rewards. It's worth it. We cannot have a thriving, healthy relationship if we're not willing to put in the time, effort and energy that's required to have that experience. That would be like me telling you that you can go ahead and not work out and eat anything you want and that longevity and health is in your future. Like, what a bunch of bullshit. You would go, yeah, whatever, this lady is a crack job, whack job. And I'm telling you the truth. The same is true with relationships as well. You cannot expect to have a healthy, thriving, long lasting relationship if you are not doing the things that fundamentally create such an experience. You know it's going to be required of you and it is principled. And you can't just negate them because it's inconvenient or you don't get it, or you don't understand it. What's going to be the result of that is you're not going to have a long lasting, thriving, healthy, foundationally sound relationship. Not because anybody's against you, not because you're worthy, not because you don't deserve it, not because you haven't put it all in, but because you haven't learned what it takes in order to principally have what it is you say you're asking for. And that's just the reality of the situation, and that's why we do this show, is to take these principles that govern our relationships because we know they're available to everyone. It's just that are you willing to do what is required to have what it is you say you want? I hope so. That's my dearest wish for you. That is what gets me up in the morning and drives us to share this information with you. But at the end of the day, it's on you to say, yes, I'm willing to do those things and to Implement what it is we're talking about here. So in conclusion, let's we wrap up this conversation. It's important for you to keep an eye out for and address the small things that are playing out in your relationship. I hope you understand principally why it is they turn into big things later, right? They start out little, we justify them, we dismiss them, we put up with them, we try and shut them down. And we don't realize that in the act of doing that, yeah, you may be successful in the moment, but it's literally compromising the long term longevity of your relationship. Take action quickly and address them head on. The only thing that's different between Tom and I and our relationship, and perhaps what might be playing out in your life right now, is that we keep an eye out for these things and we address them quickly, effectively and efficiently because we want to spend more time in the good stuff. Get back to the good stuff and let's clean these messes up as quickly and effectively and efficiently as possible. Because believe me, we still make messes over here. We just don't spend a lot of time in it to the very best of our ability. We want to get through it as quickly as possible. And that can be you too. That can be available to you too. Prioritize your relationship, right? Because if you're not, you can't expect to have a thriving one. If everything else is more important than what's going on between the two of you, then it's going to be in a process of atrophy. Just like, like not spending time with the kids or on your career, on your health or on your dental health. We can only kick the can down the road for so long before we're going to start to reap some consequences and backlash for that. And your relationship is no different. I'm going to ask you to listen to episode number 123 for tips on how to listen and share. Because it's the listening and the sharing that often begin turning those little things into big things. And besides which, I think that would really help you and stack on the conversation that you've heard today. So if you haven't already heard that episode, I encourage you to listen to both 123 and 124 together as a couple. It will open up your eyes to a lot of things that you can start to do to begin addressing those little things so that they don't turn into big things. And if they're already big things, don't worry, you can create that do over. I talked about you can turn them back into little things and then we can improve on addressing the little things sooner rather than later. And if all of this for you seems like, oh man, I don't think I can do this on my own. Okay, well, we have really great news. Just go ahead and reach out to us or jump into the Better Love Club to get started. What's important is that you don't sit and wait. Because if you wait, these things don't get better. They get progressively worse. So tackle them head on, face them, talk about them, them, address them. And gosh, if your partner isn't ready to do something and to get help, it would behoove you to at least one person begin the process of being mindful of those things. Because one person absolutely can make a significant difference in their relationship. So if you want to learn more about working with us, then go ahead and visit our website@stacybartly.com or you can check out the Better Love Club I just mentioned by going to thebetterloveclub.com and I look forward to having a conversation with you about that, supporting you in any way that we can. So let's turn the corner and jump into some Follow the fun. Because of our conversation today, I thought it would be wonderful for me to encourage you to set aside 30 minutes to just make a list of the many experiences you, you and your partner did when you first came together. What did you do? And babe, this takes me back to the time and attention and intention that we would put because when we were coming together, our time was so precious, right? We were starting 600 miles apart and so we had a week or three days or a four day weekend here and there. I think at the max it was 10 days where we would get together. And in those 10 days we had so much that we wanted to to share an experience together. And so there. I have so many wonderful fun memories about playing board games and going to the wineries and these places that we wanted to share food and friends and conversations with family. And there was so much intention that was put into that. And so I'm going to invite you listener, to go back to what did you do in the beginning that you that helped you create the relationship that you find yourself in today? What are some of those fun things that you would do together? Because I bet if you're in a process of slow burn or breaking down, there's probably times or lengths of time where they're just simply not happening. And so it helps us to remember and then, gosh, duplicate them or give an, give them an upgrade and get them on your calendar. Jump in and get busy duplicating them. Again, because they worked the first round, there's no reason why they wouldn't work the second round. And if we do it a second round, we can also add to some things that we maybe missed or didn't know about in the first round. And so things can become more and more delightfully fun and transformative in this realm of having fun and novelty in your life, if you just stack and build on them. And all you got to do is remember what you used to do and then begin and build from there. So take that 30 minutes this week and do that, make a list and then start putting those things on the calendar so that they'll happen. Today's song is John Legend, I'm by your side. And after all, isn't that what all of us want when it comes to our relationships? It's what we desire the most, is just somebody that you feel like gets you, is on your team, is on your side, will advocate there for you, listen to you, and basically take to heart what it is that you feel is important and valuable to yourself and that you give that gift and it exchange for that. And I love where he says when I'm down, I'll be there by your side. And you think I'd leave your side. You know better than that. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here with you. And I think this song is just, it highlights what it is at the end of the day, we're truly after and it's not so much about what we do, but it's about the feeling that we have. When I know that you're by my side and with me in all things, it makes all the difference in the world. So I think that's a wrap for today's episode. Thank you so much for being here with us inside of the Love Shack. It's always our pleasure and delight to have you with us to have these important conversations. And gosh, if you have any questions from today's episode or you have some conversations that you would like us to have inside of the Love shack, please don't hesitate to reach out to us. And FYI, you can listen to this song that I mentioned today by John Legend by your side or any of the other songs that we have as a theme song for our podcast episodes by going to our website. Or you can also check us out on Spotify and check out the Love Shack Live playlist there and you'll have a whole slew of wonderful theme songs from 124 episodes. Until we meet again. Know that I'm sending you off with all the love in my heart and belief that you too can create great love and long lasting relationships in your life. And know that I look forward to seeing you again next week right here inside the Love Shack. Goodbye for now.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.