#130: Why Doesn't Your Partner Get You? Understanding Personal Movies in Relationships

So think about all these little things that we assume and we jump to conclusions. When somebody else does something, we assume that their intentions are bad.

Okay?

I want you to know that's a bias.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack. Love Shack.

Welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 1:30 and I am Stacy Bartley. I am the host of the show. I am here with my lover Tom, and our beautiful daughter Brooke is present and behind the scenes as well. We're going to be talking about flaws in your personal movie today, and I have a real treat for you. It's actually a training right out of our Better Love Club Monday night class. So for our podcast listeners who are familiar with us talking about the better Love Club, you're going to know what I'm talking talking about. For those of you who are new and just listening in for the first time, first of all, thank you so much. And I want you to know that one of the premier services that we provide as an alternative to couples counseling is our Better Love Club, where we get together there as well and we share teachings and trainings as well as practice in breakout rooms. The skills that we're talking about and we practice them among each other. So it's a really powerful experience and we find that it's absolutely life changing for the people who participate in it.

Could you give a little preview of what the personal movie framework is that we talk about in our body of work?

Yeah. So the training that you're about to listen to is, as I said, flaws in your personal movie. What are those really? Well, they are the cognitive biases that we can find ourselves believing in as a human being. And the reality is we talk a lot about in our work. In fact, it's one of our foundational teachings is a personal movie narrative so that you can understand the things that you're believing to be true with inside of your own mind and thinking. I they feel absolutely true for you, but they may not be so true for everyone else. And this is what creates a tremendous amount of conflict in our lives, especially in our relationships, because we all feel like my personal movie is right and yours is the one that is so messed up and jacked up because I don't understand where you're coming from. I don't understand why you believe or think or behave the way you do to the person themselves. It feels normal. It feels natural. And they're thinking to themselves, I can't believe you don't understand this. I. I can't believe you don't get it. And so our deep dive training today is going to help you uncover and understand many of the cognitive biases that go on in our own personal movies inside of the container of our relationship.

Share with the listener what we use as an example that I think most of us can get around literally, if you were to use it and if you were going to an actual movie, share that analogy. Because I think everyone can get their arms around that.

Yeah.

So how teach. Our personal movie framework is imagine for a moment that you are the only one in the movie theater watching the movie that's streaming out. And there are scenes that you love and you want to hit replay on again and again and again. And they make you laugh, and they make you feel good, and they make you feel inspired, and they make you feel good about who it is you are. And then there are other scenes that play out on that movie screen of yours that you go, no, no, I don't want to look at this. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to go there. This is. Is not okay. And this is about the time that we start to lash out thinking that if we can control people in our exterior environment, we can prevent the movie screen from playing this set of or series of movies that I play inside of my own movie inside of my own mind. And so we set about trying to control or manipulate or coerce people outside of ourselves so that we can stay off the scenes and the emotional experiences that we don't want to have with inside of ourselves. And so getting clear about what our movie is and recognizing and understanding that people have movies that are different than yours is oftentimes a very big aha moment for our clients in the work that we do because we think that we should be having the same movie. We would call that kind of being on the same page, if you will. And the most frustrating experience that we can have in our partnerships is that we're not on the same page. And I don't even understand where you're coming from and why you feel the way that you feel. And these are all results of the personal movies that we are literally creating inside of our own minds day in and day out from the experiences that you're having day in and day out, either by choice or by happenstance. And so we're all doing it. It's the narrative that helps me describe to you who I am, how I feel, how I've arrived, the conclusions I have. And every single human being on the planet feels like their movie, their narrative internally is the correct one. We all feel that way. Like, mine's right, yours is really messed up. And you know what? Until you figure out how it is, you need to get on my page, then we're going to be fine, then we're going to be happy, then everything is going to go well. And so that's the personal narrative as far as we are all acquiring inside of ourselves. And what we're going to teach you today is many of the cognitive distortions and biases that we can find ourselves in and living. Because here's the last piece that I'll say about the internal movie experience is we are going to live congruent to that. Meaning our behavior is going to be congruent to what I believe to be true inside of my movie. So if I believe it's true, then I'm going to live congruent to that. And so understanding that, oh, wait a minute, we could make up some really good stuff in our movies, right? Get your popcorn, get your Coke. This could turn into a horror movie really, really quickly if we're not mindful and aware of it. And so many of us aren't, like so many of us not aware that this is the part of the human experience day in and day out. And understanding that it can be flawed is maybe sometimes a new reveal for many of us. So please, take your time, listen to this episode and enjoy it, because it's going to help you understand so much about yourself and maybe many of the frustrations and experiences you're having in your relationship right now with your partner that you just can't wrap your head around.

And I would just add that we're sharing the teaching part of this. But what makes the Better Love Club so unique, at least in our from our experience and what's already taken place in the four short months that we've started, it is. So just imagine that you're experiencing this teaching, but then in addition to the teaching is we do confidential and strategic breakout rooms within Zoom. And this is the part that Stacy likes to call the emotional push up. Meaning this gives you the chance to implement and deploy this specific framework that is applicable to all of us. And all of us are navigating in a way to where you, number one, you understand it. Number two, you're able to use it. Because again, if we can't use Something our behavior is not going to change. And so every single Monday night. These are standalone or sometimes they're sequential trainings. And we always have this experiential component to where we're helping and we give you specific instructions. When you go into these breakout rooms, you don't just say, I wonder what I'm supposed to do. It's very, very specific. You don't have to worry about what you're supposed to do. And then we come back and we share about what took place. So just imagine when you hear this, how effective and helpful that would be for you.

The last thing I want to add is if you're listening and you're like, what a group relationship coaching class? Yes, that is what we're talking about. And a lot of people are like, oh, my God, I could never talk about my relationship problems with a whole bunch of people that I don't know. But that's really the beauty of what we offer. Because when we get new students who come into the Better Love Club, one of the first things they say is, wow, it feels so good to know that I'm not alone. Because think about it. When do you talk about how much you're struggling in your relationship or the problems you're having with your husband and or wife and in a place where you're not judged or feel like you're the only one struggling, or no one that you're talking to will understand? It feels so good to come into a room, a virtual room, and talk about your struggles and hear other people who are struggling with the same things you are and be like, wow, I'm normal. It's okay to have these struggles. And one of our students the other week said, it's different than just talking about it with your friends, because you're not only focusing on the negative, you're talking about your problems, but then we're giving you solutions so that you can move forward in a different way rather than just ruminating in the pain of it.

That brings me to the next point that I would love to make with this. Wouldn't you love to have a place that you can practice what it is you're learning when it doesn't matter if you mess it up? When you're talking with somebody you're not in a relationship with, you can practice different communication skills and what I call emotional weightlifting skills. You can practice those with somebody that it really doesn't have any effect on, so that when it really does count, you've done it a few times and you've built up a little bit of confidence in using that so skill. Because let's be honest, when you use them in the for real relationship, you know, it does matter. And what we say and what we do does have a ripple effect in our relationships, but it doesn't have any effect when you're doing it inside of the community. So you can mess it up and you can muddle around with it a little bit. And it's really helpful for people who have a really difficult time as well, being able to translate their thoughts, feelings and ideas into a framework that they can actually speak. That translation piece is often very difficult for those of us who haven't had a lot of time and experience in expressing how we feel, how we think, what we would love to have or advocate for in our lives. And this is a place where you can fumble around and struggle with the words a little bit and then find a place that feels really good for you. And it's a very profound, powerful experience to have.

And for those of you that are like, how would I do that In a group setting, everyone signs a confidentiality agreement, so everyone acknowledges and understands the importance. This is how we create this sacred place. Okay. It's not just whimsical, if you will, it's very, very intentional.

So please enjoy this episode. I think it's going to be very eye opening for you and it's going to cause at least some deep thought and contemplation about what you're thinking is true and what might be going on for your partner.

Let's hear the conversation before we jump into cognitive biases about anxiety. Caught in a cognitive bias, I'm probably going to feel anxiety and then I'm going to jump to conclusions. And so let's just have a conversation about anxiety on the front side. Like how many of you would say you wrestle with anxiety in your life? It kind of wreaks havoc with you. Yeah. In the decades that I've been doing this work, anxiety is like taking off. It is off the chart. So I wanted to have a conversation about anxiety, about where it stems from and why as human beings, we experience it in hopes that we can have a conversation amongst our ourselves of some really great ways to help us manage it. Because when it starts running and we all know it can wreak havoc, it absolutely can. So who, who deals with anxiety? And I want you to throw out some ideas in regards to how you manage it. The more scared we get of anxiety, the worse it gets. It's kind of like this really evil game. The more I Spin it. The worse it gets. And then when I have some kind of a panic attack, you're going to love the movie analogy because what ends up happening is we go into protection mode, actually. And I want you to see that an anxiety attack, you guys, is actually your body protecting itself. And that's why it happens. It's not this, like, nemesis thing that happens to you that you now feel out of control about, which it does feel that way. But I have to turn the obsessive thinking off to actually curtail and get a leg up on the emotional side of the equation. And so a panic attack literally turns the movie off. It turns the thinking off so that my body can then catch up and emotionally process all the feelings that have funneled into my body. And so then I will cry, I will shake, I will sometimes feel paralyzed, or my body is working out those emotional experiences that have been flooding into my emotional body because of my obsessive mind, that's going to. Right? And if any of us had ever had an obsessive moment about our relationships or the state of our relationship or where it's going, or, oh my gosh, what if this happens? And what if this happens? I know none of you have experienced anything like that, but in case you too know that, that's what's happening. And it's the more obsessed I get about the thinking, the more the feelings funnel into my emotional body, and then the more emotional stuff I have to grapple with, process, digest down, right? And so at some point in time, it gets so out of balance that I'll have an anxiety attack, which helps me kind of get a leg up and get on the other side of it. So first thing is embrace it. If I'm feeling anxious, it's okay to feel anxious. There's nothing wrong with you. The anxiety is coming from the thinking process inside of yourself. Feelings always follow thought. So sometimes if I can just interrupt the thinking a bit, I can affect the anxiety that I'm feeling. And that's why also self talk of, I've got this. I don't know how, but I'll figure it out. It's going to be okay. Because what's happening is your future pacing in anxiety as well. What if this happens? What if this happens? What if this doesn't go okay? What if, what if, what if, what if? And we think about all the images that could possibly go wrong, right? Or all the things that I need to stress and worry about because if they don't go well, we believe X, Y, and Z is Gonna happen. And so it gets us just spinning in our thinking. And the more I spin, the more emotion is to attach to it. My body's gotta process that. It absolutely does. Right? So if sometimes I can just interrupt the thought and remind myself, I got this, gonna be okay. Sometimes, too, anything sensory is good, right? It's helping you be in the present moment, in present time. And so sometimes getting in the shower or walking barefoot or sticking your head out or exposing yourself to cold or anything that kind, or getting a hug, having somebody stroke you, tickle your back, rub your hair, brush, anything that brings you back into this present moment is also helpful because that'll help you with your time traveling.

Another one I recently have heard a couple of times is eating something that's sour, like sour candy is really good. To stop anxiety in its tracks, which.

I never knew before, anxiety has a purpose. Anxiety says, hey, there's some things that we don't know much about, or we don't know how this is going to happen or play out. It usually crops up when there's a big, huge piece of unknown. I don't know how this is going to play out. And I want you to just know. It's okay to feel that. Anxiety is a normal part of being a human. And it's literally just a signal that says, hey, guess what? There's some things coming up you don't know anything about. It's okay. And that's where it's, it's okay. I'll figure it out. We're going to get through this. And instead of spinning in the obsessive thought, I want to encourage you to think about what it is you want, what would help you with it. Instead of just allow the tumbling of the obsessive thinking about the future, set it up so that you feel supported, encouraged, talk to yourself in a way that, I'm going to get through this. I'm going to figure this out. It's going to be okay. I can let this go. Give me a hug, please give me a back rub. Sitting and quietly, just being able to digest down what's going on for you is really helpful. So there's a feeling, Will, inside the foundations pillar. If you haven't already found it, that's an important exercise to just go, okay, what's going on with me right now? I'm worried about my surgery. I'm worried about where our relationship is going. I'm worried about, you know, okay, great. Can I believe in my ability to figure this out? Am I doing everything I can do right now, if the answer is yes, then we need to just click off the thinking, right? Just get some comfort, get some reassurance, whether that comes from inside of yourself or your partner. So any other super tips, anything else? You guys are good at this too. I know there's a lot of you in here that are working with this. Any other super tips that you know, work for you that you want to throw out? I love music, I love dancing. I love anything that will something to make you laugh. Sometimes you don't think about that when you're having an anxiety attack or just struggling with anxiety. But laughter helps us let go. Exercise helps us let go. Going for a walk. Being in nature helps us let go. Any final questions, comments, shares about that? I know it's a big one and we'll talk about it many times. In fact, we could talk about it every time we come together. It's only a matter of time before some of us experience anxiety for sure. But hopefully, okay, now that you're armed in danger, some anxiety, let's talk about some cognitive biases that create anxiety. Okay? And the first one they want to talk about is called an asymmetry, called an actor observer asymmetry. Now, don't remember that. What I want you to remember is the experience of it. Okay? And this is when people do something wrong, we assume their intentions are bad. You leave a glass on the counter, I assume that you don't care about me, that you're disrespecting me, that in spite of the 20,000 times I've asked you to please put that cup in the dishwasher, it continues to be on the counter. However, when I do it, I know and understand that it's not a malicious or ill intent. So I think there's no problem with that. Not any whatsoever. Okay, I know why the glass is on the sink and I know that it wasn't ill intended. So I'm good. I give myself a little pass. So think about all these little things that we assume and we jump to conclusions that when somebody else does something, we assume that their intentions are bad. They're malicious, they're of evil intent. Especially if it's something that keeps reoccurring. Okay? I want you to know that's a bias. But when I do the same thing, I think you should just know. It's not malice, it's not bad, it's not evil. I'm not trying to hurt you or tick you off.

Okay?

Anybody have a thought or an experience that comes up for this cognitive life? Everybody starts Shaking their head, right? We all have them, okay? We all have them. We just want to become mindful of them. If I feel like there's a place where it's okay when I do it, but I think it's malicious when you do it, we want to address that because I bet it's not okay. It could be the glass issue. It could be taking our shoes off at the door. When you don't take your shoes off at the door, I feel like it's malicious. I feel like it's ill intended. I feel like you're out to get me. Right? But when I do it, I think you should just get it. You should just understand it. Jogging anybody's memories, questions about this one, I'm just going to take them slow. Wanted to say this. My blessed little humans, please realize and understand that the information that's important to you is important to you. And that's all I know. And I think that my person should just understand that some of us operate and need all the little teeny, tiny, finite details and some of us are a little more high flying. I don't like to get all bogged down in that. You know, can we just get through it? I'm going to tell you what you need to know and then let's just keep moving. And then, yes, we're going to have those things that come up and it's like, why don't you tell me about that? Why are you taking it? Well, because in the moment when I was thinking about it just seemed irrelevant. But I see it's relevant now. And I just want you to see there's differences in there. And we're going to leap to what we think it is. If by chance we're on the opposing side of the experience without appreciating, oh, okay, you need all the details. We're all having our own internal experience. And so sometimes this is why we need to be a little more disclosed about when we're feeling like we just need you to listen. Because I'm going to be the only one who knows that somebody else is often in their own movie. They're having their own internal experience. And so if I'm looking for acknowledgement or appreciation or I'm looking for something specific, I have to figure out what that is, which most of us have a really difficult time with. Unless you're here in the Better Love Club learning how important that is. We also then get to a place where if I want to say some things and I want you to hear that I need to just Disclose it. I can ask for appreciation, I can ask for acknowledgement, I can ask for what it is I would like to see you do or be. And I've got to ask for it in a way that it can be heard and it can be sincerely a request, not something that you're owed or demanded, because that's going to very, very much slip us into the game of manipulation and defensiveness and those kinds of things. So there is an art to these things which is perfectly timed to go into confirmation bias. We've talked about this before in the principle of contrast, some of the new people. That's going to be a conversation that's in one of our previous calls called contrast. But basically a confirmation bias is when I'm only looking for conversations, material information, or people that share my same opinions, perspectives and points of view. And I want to cut myself off of all of the other points of views and perspectives. And that's a really dangerous place for us to put ourselves as human beings, because that's the place where I'm going to get out of balance on one side or the other. And this was really drilled home for me when I was in the raw food community many years ago when I was teaching classes and everybody was pursuing like this. We've got it all figured out. We've got the lock, stock and barrel on hilt. And everybody was creating a tremendous amount of anxiety inside of themselves about wanting to be this hundred percent goal perfection of raw food, as well as there was a tremendous amount of self beat up for people who just weren't able to do it. Not only amongst the group, but around people who say, no, I don't want to do that, that's crazy. And we go, ah, you just don't understand it. And you would only seek out people who were in that community. So think about how we do that with not only health, but physical fitness and religion and society and culture. We get threatened by things, talk about anxiety. We get threatened by people and perspectives and opinions that are different than ours without going, okay, let me understand this to the very best of my ability, because only one of two things is going to happen. Rather than pursue the confirmation bias, it's going to cement what I already know to be true, or it's going to expand my perspective. Hey, you know what? Great point. And this is where the idea of planting your flag comes into play. I always can plant my flag and have a strong opinion about something, but if I cut myself off from other perspectives and points of view without getting curious about them, I'm likely to find myself out of balance inside of myself. I think I've got it all figured out. I know the way. My way or the highway, I just know. And then in my raw food community, I found out that actually there were people who shouldn't do raw food ever because it was a huge digestive issue for them. Major. You could put em in major crisis. And I myself, after pursuing it religiously for seven years, ended up with an autoimmune disorder myself. So much for taking us to the promised land. And you start to realize that what can be good for us can actually be bad for us. And what can be bad for us can actually be good for us. And there's a huge spectrum in there that we need to be mindful of. So a confirmation bias is something I want you to be mindful of. Whenever you think you've got it all figured out, I want you to hear my voice in your head saying, you're a brain dysfunction. Turn around and look at the other side because you're getting too far left or right. And there's always a tremendous amount of opportunity in the middle. That makes sense. Sweet. Any thoughts or questions about confirmation bias? Where do I have them? I used to have them religiously. I was born and raised in the LDS religion and I was certain that was the only way to God until I found out there was only about 1,275 other paths.

I'll give you a really quick story. I think I don't know if I shared this enough. I'm a real estate appraiser. Additional to everything else, I have been for 25 years. So some time ago, not that long ago, I was at a house. I had a conversation with the listing agent and here they have what they call a lockbox. So it's a little thing that you can point your phone at and it releases the key out of the bottom of the box and you let yourself into the house. And this agent had said, yeah, Tom, I don't think my client will be there. Just go ahead and knock on the door and then just let yourself in. So I get there, I do that, you know, take the key out of there, knock, open up the door. And I could tell the owner was coming down the hallway and it was maybe 9:30 on a Saturday morning. You could tell he had just kind of woken up. Geez. He says, oh gosh, I didn't realize you were going to be here this early. I said, oh God, no problem. I'll start on the outside. So I did everything on the Outside, measured the garage, and I'm sitting in my car using an iPad to sketch it, do the measurements of the home, and I look next door. Bottom line, guys, is I realized I was at the wrong dang house.

So you just walked in on a homeowner and had no business being there.

And I would have given every nickel. Like, Tom Bartley does not walk into the wrong house after 13,000 appraisals. Talk about confirmation fines. I mean, that's a big one. Like, dude, you're in the wrong house. Thank goodness he was nice. And he had just, by the luck of God, universe, spirit. There was an appraiser coming, just happened to be later that morning. That's a severe case of confirmation bias. So I just said, gosh, where else might I be showing up that way in my life?

So certain.

I mean, people that know me, like, I would have bet everything. What are you talking about? You have no. You're in the wrong house. You know, just a great check, please.

If you're going to assume anything, which there are a few things I want you to assume, I want you to vet it out. But if you're going to assume anything, assume that everybody's right and that as impassioned as you get about the dialogue that's happening, I promise you, there's a thread of contribution in from both sides. It's how it works. And we get impassioned about our positions because it's something that's really important to me. Right? And I. That can change in a nanosecond. As long as I'm looking at both sides, trying to understand both sides. If I get impassioned in my one position or another, I'm going to miss all the possible solutions to our challenge, or I'm going to miss all the opportunities for us to understand each other, because I'm too hell bent on my cognitive bias, which is usually just an opposite.

Is it fair to say the more certain we are, the more chance where there's a yes?

Isn't that a crappy deal? Like, the more certain we feel? And I'm not wanting you to doubt yourself at all. I'm just wanting you to give air time, and that's where you can find a good place and feel good about what you're doing. As long as you're open and willing to hear the other perspective, then we can make true progress inside of ourselves because we've looked at all the angles instead of just dismissing all of the angles. That's where we're going to miss something or misinterpret something and just go with my own cognitive bias. That's a confirmation bias for sure. Which takes us to the next one, which is a composition bias. So we think that all men or women are like this. We judge them in groups, or any group of any human being are like this. Okay, that's a cognitive bias. If there's one thing I want you to understand about human beings is even though they might be hanging out together, there's more differences than there are similarities. They're coming together on this one like conversation, but underneath it there could be layers and layers and layers of differences, just like all of us in here.

Would that be where we hear often, you know, men are not nearly as emotional as women.

Would that be an example? Yeah, men are not emotional. Only women are. I'm going to tell you that's not true. There are men who are very in touch with their emotions and, and the women are what we would say, doing men behavior. And so human beings do both. And ofttimes with this division bias, you know, it comes up in not only emotional aspects, but in sex a lot. There's these conversations around sex and we'll have some of them in here too. But we need to understand that women like sex, women are just uncomfortable with sex. Women want better sex. But men, they get stressed out about sex and women don't think about. There are times men don't want to have sex. And so as long as we're like grouping these things together, we take action on things that just aren't true because we're not vetting them out. And even though we think they might be true for a group, as a majority percentage speaking, you're not dealing with a group, you're dealing with your person. And they could have their own thoughts, feelings and emotions and do about a whole bunch of things that we're missing because we're lumping them into this cognitive bias. We're discounting them because they're associated with this thing or that thing. They come from this place or that place. This is why profiling in the criminal world does not work. It's a terrible thing because we can start lumping people into these groups and thinking that they behave and show up in certain ways when that is not the truth at all. This is a dangerous one. And we get why we get there. If I have a shitty relationship with a man or a woman, I'm going to go, oh, see? And if I have a handful of them because of more likely the way I'm showing up, not the other person Then I'm going to go, oh, see, all women are like that. Or all men are like that. No, not true, not true. Just the ones you're meeting are like that. Could that have anything to do with you? Is there a common denominator here? Maybe we should start there. Let's take a look at that piece first instead of making.

But that's harder to admit.

Oh, for sure. Sure. We do tough stuff in here, but we do effective stuff in here. Any. Any thoughts coming up for you? Any shares about composition bias? The opportunity is just to understand those things and do our best to kind of like challenge ourselves from time to time to not necessarily get stuck in those biases. Because it does affect how I show up in my life and in my world. It can create a tremendous amount of anxiety and worry about it can also in my communications with my partner, can get us stuck in my own group division kind of thing. Oh, your friends, your group of friends, they always do this. That's how I see it in my smaller pockets. Because you hang out with these friends, then you're going to do these things or you're going to be this person. Sometimes it happens in families because of your family. I have to be worried that you are like that you're going to do those things that your family do. So I have to be on lookout for that. This is where a. This bias can show up in your personal life. Okay. Can create a lot of worry. Let's go on to the next one then. A salience bias. It's our tendency to focus on what causes an emotional reaction, regardless of whether or not it's relevant or likely to happen to us. So this is where that if you've done it before, you're going to do it again comes from. And we think that if I hang onto this emotional egregious behavior, if I remember it, if I remind you of it because it's happened before, it's going to happen again, that prevents us from being able to totally create new behavior and new experiences are in our relationships. Because I'm going to literally, by nature of bringing it up, insist you do it the way you've done it. And I'm going to remind you that I insist you do it the way you've done it, so it prevents any of us from moving on. And we don't realize we're doing that to ourselves. So just because you've done it once doesn't mean you'll do it again. That's a cognitive bias and distortion. And if I hang onto it I'm going to insist that it happen again by nature of hanging onto it. Does that make sense? When there's been breaches of betrayal in here, small or big, this is where we can get very stuck in. This salience means a striking point or feature.

It's a highlight.

So something highly emotional happens. And I just want you to see how we can stack on these. Something highly emotional happens. It becomes this highlight of our relationship. I believe that you. It was malicious, it was of ill intent, it was terrible. You wouldn't have done it. You would have known better. And then because it's hit me so emotionally hard, if you've done it once, you're going to do it again. So I've got to be on high alert to make sure it doesn't. Without realizing, oh, see, that's just you probably recreating it again in your future and I'm hanging on to it. I just know you're going to do it again and I'm going to remind you of that. So I'm going to insist that you do it again because I won't let it go. And so for the person who's made the mess, it's really difficult for them to work themselves through that. They're stuck in a box. There's no place to go to show or demonstrate something new and different. Because you're going to insist. No, no, I'm not going to risk with you again. Forget that. So we can't go in a new direction. We're going to hang out here for a long period of time.

Anytime you bring it up again, the person who was the victim to the egregious act, anytime it gets brought up again, you're kind of re traumatizing both of you by making you go through all of those emotions over and over and over again. I get you're doing it out of anxiety because I've done that too, where you think if you bring it up and you are like, oh, no, I don't want to go down this route again because you think you're protecting yourself, but in reality you're just bringing up the trauma that happened over and over and over again. And I think that's where sometimes people who do this, which, you know, any of us can do this. I'm not blaming anyone if they're doing this. You don't realize that you're doing that because you think you're doing it to protect yourself. But it's really keeping you in that box. Like you said, mom too. But it's also re Aggravating the trauma. Every single time you say, oh, are you doing this again? Is this what we're doing? That is painful to both partners.

I can almost hear these voices in my head going, okay, great, so what am I supposed to do? Yeah, that's not helpful. How do I manage this? Think about what you need for assurance, reassurance, support. Hey, I'm starting to get anxiety about what happened. What I'd love for from you, if you're willing, is this, this, this and this, or, hey, I just want to sit down so I can let it go. I just need to talk through what's coming up for me about this. It's not to rehash it or pin your ass to the wall. I just need to work through a few things with you. There's some things I need to understand. Those are better ways than just going, oh, you don't tell me nothing. You've done it once, you're going to do it again. I'm just going to sit around and wait, or I'm just going to track your ass, or I'm just going to dig through your phone, or I'm going to just realize that you needing to manage your own emotional experience this year. So let's find some successful ways to help you manage that. Okay? And not this cognitive bias because it keeps you stuck big time. And if you're struggling with it, hey, just reach out. That's why we're here. Get some help and support with this. It's hard to work with these things, but it's not. Not doable. It's very doable. And it's so much easier to go in a different direction than it is to hang out here. Hey, I'm really struggling. I'd love to connect with you when you have a chance.

That's going to help you feel better.

About what it is you're doing, which is going to help the anxiety. Otherwise, you're showing up and you're treating your relationship just like you did if it had happened. It's like, hey, I know it's not happening again. I'm struggling with my anxiety right now. It would be great to hear your voice. Please reach out to me when you can. And then I'm going to have to go do some things. Go for a walk, get in nature, have a conversation with somebody. Post something inside of the Better Love Club. We'll walk you through this. Listen to some of the meditations in the resources. I was going to tell you about these at the end of this conversation, but in the resources There's a lot of meditations in there to just kind of help get your brain turn in the other way. Okay.

And for the couples that you've helped to get through traumatic situations, any kind of traumatic betrayal situation, and you say, is it possible for you to leave the past in the past? I would say that's the hardest thing that we could do because that means we have to truly leave it there. But we can't do that until we heal from it.

Right.

We have to be ready to lay it down and let it go. What would you say is like, the biggest thing that can get you to that point?

Yeah.

Well, first of all, I just want to say letting it go come in waves. I want to just create a realistic expectation about this. It's not just all of a sudden you can let it go and you're good and done with it for the.

Rest of your life. Yeah.

Yeah. We want you to not know that there's going to be memories that surface, emotions that are going to flash. There are going to be things like your computer or a song or an event or a word. Could be anything that fires it up again. It's learning how to manage that, where it's like, this is not that we're going to be okay. This isn't happening now. When it does, I'll know how to handle it. I'll address it then and not a second before. If it gets bad, I need reassurance. I need you to remind me you love me, that I matter to you, you appreciate where we are and what's going on. That's going to be way more effective to help me manage this than to go down the punitive route. Because then I start to feel shitty about what I'm doing. And that's where the anxiety really starts to kick our fanny. If I feel terrible about the things I'm forcing you to do, then I don't feel really good about how I'm showing up in this, and that's what's going to kick my fanny again. But if I could come with you and I could get assurance from you in a loving, supportive way, then I'm going to feel good about what I'm receiving as well as how I'm showing up in my relationship. And we can begin to slowly move on from the past. And it's a journey. It's a process. It's not something that you just sit down at the table and have a conversation with and you're good now. I wish it was like that. But think about it more like how your skin heals, it heals in layers. When something egregious happens, it takes time and it takes looking and it takes doctoring and it takes right nurturing of it. And slowly but surely it will heal, but there will probably always be a mark.

I share this a lot with them on my calls. You know what, Stacy, what you just shared with us and described to us. So it's asking, inviting into your experience versus a punitive approach, right? In any time of upset, what we have think about when we're invited somewhere to a dinner out or whatever versus when he's like told you have to be 15 minutes earlier, work the next day, you better be here, don't you damn be late.

Well, it's a much different experience.

People, I think they get confused. Well, wait a minute. You're asking me to dismiss my experience?

No, I'm not.

We're just simply asking you to truly share and get the support you need from your partner. It's going to be a win win for everybody. You're still going to be get that assurance, but you're going to receive it in a way that works for you. And most as important as your partner is going to not feel like he or she's constantly being interrogated, you know, so it's a, it's a slight distinction, but it is huge. It's a game changer, I would say. Our clients and customers that have gotten really good at this, that's how they may able to transform these very significant situations.

It takes time for us to change our behavior, to transform our thoughts and our ways of thinking. And we are human beings and human beings are messy, but they're also the only species on the planet that can be creative and amass change on their own free will and choice. Like we are the only species on the planet of mammals that has the ability to do that. And instead of utilizing it, we get very much trapped in these kinds of thinking patterns and we don't know how.

To get out of them.

It's a process and we're all unique in regards to how we work with anxiety and trauma and those kinds of things. And there's different ways of exploring it and expressing it and we need to find a way that works for us. There is no one size fits all here. So if somebody has an experience that you tried similarly and it didn't work for you, that's okay. Don't go anywhere with that. Don't think, oh, then we're sunk and this will never work. It's going to be unique and different. We just need to find your way so to keep searching, you know, and that's. That's why it's so important to reach out and to get help and support in real time. That's one of the ways we're different. Like, I don't want you to sit on this until next week's session, right? I want you to get the help and support you need right now so that we can navigate through it quickly, right? We can find a way to support and help you quickly so that we don't hang out in these places. Because the longer we hang out there, right off times, the more stuck we get in it and the more likely we are to do it again. Like, our brains, you know, what gets fired together gets wired together. And so we want to interrupt that as quickly as we possibly can so that we don't continue to just go down the same path. Not because we want to go in a different direction, because that's the way my brain keeps firing. So we got to work with that. So this is why, for all these reasons and more, it takes time and patience to go in different directions. But so possible, like, because you are a human being and you do have that gift of being able to create literally anything. We just have to work with a human being and the wiring that's in there. Once we understand that, we can go many places. There's two more here I'm going to quickly mention, because I know that we're about eight minutes over seven, which my commitment to you is to have you out of here at 7. There is a handout on this, and I'm going to invite you to go and print it off and spend some time thinking about cognitive biases this week. That's your homework. Let's cover the last two really quickly. The negativity bias, and I bet all of you are familiar with this one. We have a tendency to think about the negative before we think about the positive. That's just our little survival instincts. Like, everything that could possibly potentially go wrong is typically where our brain is gonna go instead of realizing, you know, wait a minute, yes, but there's this good side. Like, what are the good things in this, too? What are the potentially good things or the upside to this as well? And that's a really good practice that when, let's say, my coffee pot blew up today, and I was all pissed off about it, right? And then I thought, okay, what's the upside to this? What's the good side to this? And I thought, this is just me. I Can do it like I used to do when I was a kid. And all of a sudden, I had all of these wonderful memories of being a kid and my mom, you know, boiling water on the stove in a pot. And I know that's really goofy, but it helped me let go of it. Like, this isn't terrible. This. This is the worst thing that happens in your day. You're gonna be okay. You got this, right? So instead of just allowing ourselves to take that negativity bias, we can. We can literally interrupt the pattern and think about, okay, this does suck, but what's something good about it? What's something good I can find about this? And then you're. That's your practice of rewiring your brain, just like we talked about a few minutes ago. And it takes conscious thought, okay? It takes absolutely conscious thought, but it's good for us. It's good for us to just start there, okay? And then impact bias. We get to this place, and this plays out huge in the play and novelty conversation, okay? Impact bias means, oh, I would never do that. Oh, I would never be seen or caught dead like that. And this bias keeps us from having fun, from letting loose, from being silly, from doing some things that we're too old to do or we're too cool to do or we're too, you know, fill in the blank to do, because I would never do that. Well, maybe see. Maybe give it a run. Is it really terrible if you try it and don't like it? You can always decide you don't like it. But to not try this. Is that bias at play right here? Or it's something you want to do and you think, ah, I probably shouldn't. I shouldn't wear that. I shouldn't say that. I shouldn't go there. Maybe risk it and push it a little bit, you know, try it out and see what happens, whether that's a new food, a new activity, a new conversation with somebody you don't necessarily hang out with or socialize with. Those are great opportunities for us. All right, guys, for your homework as we wrap up here. You know, this is all just laws within your personal movie. And Brookie will tell you about it underneath this replay of the conversation tonight.

Okay?

I want you to print this out. I want you to put in your journal. And when you journal, make this awareness as part of your, like, experience. Like, oh, my gosh, I caught myself in this bias today. Just so you can start seeing it, becoming aware of how much these play havoc in your life.

They were some of Our star students.

And it shows meaning because they did the homework.

Yeah, but did the homework because then that's another place where we're different. This is, you know, this is all curriculum that Stacy has developed over 10 years and working with almost 600 people so you can get a very clear process of where people get hung up, where they need more implementation, more focus, more support, and most importantly, this constant being attitude. Because Stacy, sometimes she wakes up, ladies and gentlemen, in the middle of night because she has these downloads. I'm thinking, honey, don't talk to me, don't tell me I gotta grab this.

Before I forget it.

And so she said, okay, I've just worked out X, or I've just come up with like our next podcast episode download, like in the middle of night. So it's constantly being added to, and so it stays very well. And think about Stacy's work with one on one people all day long, every day of the week. If you guys think and you see a resource that you would want that to be added to one of the pillars, please let us know. Okay? That's why we're here. But can't overemphasize the value of that curriculum. It really is important.

So homework, what I just suggested, print this off, put it in your journal, spend some time, reflect on it, have some conversations about it with each other, right? Where, where do you get tripped up? Know, where do you see you struggle with some of these biases, like what's your favorite? Own it, you know, wear it, be celebrated. Because the minute you see it and you're aware of it is the minute you can start working with it. And then remember in that resources section, there are some healthy coping strategies in there for anxiety or depression when we're spiraling. Okay. I want you to know those are also in the better luck club as well. And at the end of the resource section, and there's like hundreds, literally hundreds of little two minute audio recordings that you can use to just put in your ear and just help you get thinking about things in a different way. It'll just help knock thinking. Okay, that's, that's your homework. And those are the resources that I just want you to be aware of that are available to you. Okay? My final thoughts on this is I want you to understand that worry never prevents the sorrows and struggles of tomorrow. It simply robs it of the potential for joy today. That often in this moment right here is a great place to be. Right. Whether I'm dealing with trying to heal from things of the past. Trying to manage my cognitive biases, trying to manage my anxiety. Like, what's good about right now? What can I do right now? What do I need as far as like comfort, support, reassurance right now? And those are usually your best go tos.

Hey, this is Stacy. We hope that you enjoyed this episode. It has been a pleasure for us to share it with you and we want you to know that there are more things on this topic inside of the Better Love Club as well as many more resources available to you to help you save your relationships and improve your relationship skills overall. And we want to invite you to come into the Better Love Club. And I want you to know right now, if you want to just try out a class, you can join us. One Monday class for $35. You can jump in, try a class out, and then, gosh, here's the deal. If you decide that you want to stick around inside of the Better Love Club, you can absolutely apply that $35 to a monthly subscription. Subscription. So that's our way of saying, hey, come in and see that this is an incredibly supportive community as well as it does absolutely have the teachings and skills and support that you need in order to go in the direction you would choose to go in regarding your relationships. And we would love to support you in that, meet with you and connect with you. It's one of our wonderful flagships that we offer and it's a wonderful alternative to couples counseling. If by chance you or your partner have been on the fence about couples counseling and you're looking for the right person, you don't know where to go and you're wondering, wondering how to make progress on this area, don't worry, we got covered right here in the Better Love Club. So again, come try it out. One single Monday night class you can do for a small movie fee. Instead of going to the movies this week, jump in and take a class instead. And then from there, I trust that you're going to know exactly what it is you need to do. And again, we'll apply that to any type of a monthly subscription.

And that is if you're, if you're an individual or if you're a couple, it's the same. It's a $35 for one or for two people.

Yeah, that really is amazing. We give a two for one right now, don't we? Yeah, we will, probably forever. Because we really believe in one person getting started first. If by chance the partner's not ready to come along, they can jump in with you at any point in time so you can check out more information about us and the Better Love Club by going to our website, staceybartley.com it has all the information you could possibly want there. And you can always reach out to us with any questions that you might have too, to ensure that it's a really good question fit for you. So today for our Follow the Fun Moment I have a fun little thing that I cooked up called a one word memory. What I'm going to invite you to do today is make a list of some of your favorite memories with your lover. I'm going to invite you to scroll through your photos maybe for a little bit of inspiration. And I'm going to encourage you to strive for three to five memories that just really for you was a significant moment in the overall relationship. And it doesn't have to be recent memories. Like you can go back a ways. And then what I'm going to want you to do is come up with one word that you think describes the memory that you've had with your partner and write it on a little three by five card. And so the next time that you and your partner are out to dinner alone, you can simply slide the card to your partner and say, hey, does this word right now have you recall any kind of a significant memory or moment that we've shared together in our life history? And then let your partner kind of wrestle with it for a minute. They're going to start going, oh, I don't know. And you can say, here's the memory that I was thinking of with this word. I was thinking of this memory, you know, and you take a minute and you can relive that memory. And I promise you that you having three to five of these little three by five cards with a one word memory on it will stimulate an evening full of incredible remembering of the significant moments that you've shared with your partner. And conversation over dinner isn't going to be a problem. You're going to be able to have conversation all night long. So babe, I've got one for you right here.

I was going to say Stacy has something written that she wouldn't show us before we started to record.

I'm handing Tom a three by five card and it has one single word on it. And Tom, what's that word?

You want me to look at it now?

Yeah, go ahead.

Boat.

So that word, what does it bring up for you? When was the last time you and I were in a boat having a somewhat romantic moment? Oh, he's scrambling.

Where I go with that is is being on the incredible boat. I mean, in Venice.

Oh, that's exactly the memory I was hoping you would remember. I mean, the gondola.

And for you listening, it literally, if you've seen one of those where the person's up high with the aurora, it's just like that, but even better in person.

And it was evening time and the lights were beautiful and he was singing a song.

It was incredible.

Wow.

All right, all right. Now we've given you a demonstration as well as some instructions. Don't miss out. An opportunity to not have one more evening over dinner where you don't know.

What to talk about.

You've got the solution for that now. And enjoy. And if you have some fun shares to how this went for you, please, we would love to hear from you. Don't hesitate to reach out to us.

Or post it on social media and tag us.

Yeah, that would be incredible, too. Each week, we choose a theme song for our episode because you know why? We want you to feel what we're talking about and contribute some music to sometimes helping us, like, exhale, just feel the episode, know that we're okay. We got this. And there's nothing like music to help us do that. And so each and every episode, we choose a song that's our theme song. And today we have chosen yet again a new artist that I have just discovered. They're coming out of the woodwork right now. Sophia Tucker. She has a song called Brazilian Soul. And when I played the song today, it literally took me away. And I thought because of the topic of our conversation today about understanding our internal movies and understanding the cognitive biases, sometimes this can spin us up a little bit. So I thought it might be wonderful to have a song where you can go, okay, yeah, it's good to understand it. We've created some awareness now.

You know what?

Just let it all go and sink in and simmer. And you could do that with our song again. Brazilian Soul. I love it. And you can find the song on our website or you can check out our Spotify playlist at Love Shack Live playlist. That's it for this week's episode of Love Shack Live. Thank you so much for being here with us. We are so grateful that you've taken some of your time to spend with us. And if by chance this episode would be helpful to a family member or somebody that is close to you in your sphere of influence, please don't hesitate to share it. So until next time, thank you so much for being here with us. And we look forward to connecting with you again next week. Bye bye for now.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We got to close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another day edition of Love Shack live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.