#132: 4 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship - You'll Never Guess the Last One!

What we're after is this validation that you hear me, that you get me, that you understand me. That's what we're all seeking internally, emotionally. Because here's the thing, if you hear me, that's how I know you care about me. You want me.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the love shack.

Hey, welcome to the love shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 132, Four Ways to Improve your communication in your relationship. And I need you to know there's no way you're ever going to be able to guess the last one. I'm Stacey Bartley. I'm a relationship expert and I'm here today with my co host and lover Tom, along with our beautiful daughter and everything girl in the background and she peeks her head out from time to time. Brooke Brown, it's great to have you here inside of a love shack. So today we're going to be diving into four powerful ways to improve your communication in your relationship. And here's the thing I want you to know. Three years ago, would you say we did surveys, we literally got 2000 plus people on the phone couples that communication all 2000 cited as the biggest problem in their relationship. It's an interesting thing because we think we need to talk and we do and we intuitively know that. But I want and just to press upon you as we open the conversation for communication. That communication is really not our biggest issue. Our ability to emotionally regulate is a could give you tons of communication frameworks that will help you in your communication, but you're going to throw them all out the minute you get emotionally plugged in. Which brings me to the very first tip that I want to talk about today. Number one, it's active listening. And now before you roll your eyes and go, really? That's all you got for me? Hold on a minute. Okay, just slow your roll for a second and hear me out. The reason why listening is so hard is that emotional regulation that I talked about just a few seconds ago. The minute we start hearing words and phrases that plug us in and spike our emotions is the minute we stop listening. So instead of listening for understanding, we start running our math in defense. That's just how it works. And so making you aware of this, I hope will help you understand how important active listening is. It really is the hardest part of communication because we can get plugged in so easily. And then our heads, our minds, our brains are thinking about what I'm going to say and how I'm going to defend myself, then actually truly listening and hearing you out. Maybe you did it when I said, number one, active listening. And all of a sudden you go, whatever. This is all you got. We do it as human beings all the time.

Well, and I think it's really, you know, important. Your number one tip is listening. And I think most of us, me included, when we hear communication, it's about talking. Right.

I was just gonna say that same exact thing. I think other people will say no. The thing I need in this episode is that me and my spouse never talk to each other. So how am I supposed to listen if he's not talking? And the thing is, is he's or she is probably not talking because you don't active listen. All you do is defend yourself to them. And that is not active listening.

Exactly. I love that you pointed that out, because talking is the easy part.

Right.

And it's hard to stop talking sometimes when you get plugged in. So that's why listening is the harder part of the exchange and communication. There's two parts, the listener and the sharer, and where it tends to go haywire and why it is you find yourself talking about everything. And plus the kitchen sink, when you sit down to a conversation about money, kids, or the fight that we had last night is because everybody is pinging with and reacting to what's being said. And then we're drawing out evidence to support my statement. And literally what's happening is we're saying, I'll listen to you after you listen to me, and you're like, screw you. You listen to me first and then I'll listen to you. And nobody's listening at all. And it goes back and forth and back and forth, and we spiral into these cycles of fighting and can't seem to get out of them again, it's because nobody's listening. So when you're having a conversation and you need it to go well, the number one skill that I can give you is to listen. Like, resist the temptation for your brain to start pinging around, coming up with your defense and give your partner your full attention. I'm going to also suggest that if this is difficult for you, which it probably is going to be in the beginning, get yourself out a little pad of paper and a pen. And when you're listening and something gets fired off, just go ahead and write it down on the piece of paper. And then come back to listening and resist the tempt to jump in, to interrupt, to talk over, to, to essentially lose it, lose your composure, which is that emotional push up. That's what I call it, that emotional regulation or that ability to do an emotional pushup. Just hold it for a moment and then when the communication switches, you can go to your list and you haven't lost anything. You can go ahead and just pick up where you want it to speak.

Active listening is a very big part of creating emotional safety in relationships, which we've done some a podcast on recently. I'll link it in the description. For the people who are coming to this episode saying, great, this is going to help me get my partner talk more. And they're frustrated because we're talking about listening. This step is imperative that you master. So don't write it off and say, oh, I don't need this part because we don't talk in our marriage. Because I did this in some of my past relationships where I made it totally unsafe for my partner to share their thoughts with me because I did not active listen and all I did was berate them for having the thoughts and feelings that they had and made them wrong. How could they say that? Or how could you think that? Do an honest assessment. And if that's how you're presenting in your relationship, then why would your partner want to talk to you? And I'm not trying to make you feel bad or I'm not trying to say that you're a terrible person, but this is just a very common place we go in our relationships where we make it impossible for our partner to talk with us without giving them a terrible treatment for everything that they've just said. So of course they're not going to talk. Of course communication is not going to happen. So this really is the first step that you have to take for communication to even be possible in your relationship.

It is the place where communication breaks down. Right here is nobody's listening and everybody has something to say and everybody wants to be heard. And so that's literally what we're fighting for. And then we're going to gather evidence to support the reason why you should listen to me now. And everybody feels more and more negated and less and less understood. And I just want to point out here that the goal of communication truly is to understand. Like that's a hard period, especially when we're talking about matters of the heart. It's more about understanding yourself and understanding your partner than it is anything else. Because once you get to a place of understanding. There's going to be a tremendous amount of relief that happens just from that simple act. And we've not changed anything. We've not solved any of our big, major problems. But now everybody feels better because you feel heard, even if I disagree with you. And so that literally is the pursuit in our communication. And there's no way we can arrive at the important aspect of understanding if we're not listening. And all we're doing is talking. And we need to do less talking and more listening, especially when it counts the most. Not fight more, not run your mouth more, not come up with more evidence, not step into defensiveness, not do the blame thing, not diagnose somebody, label somebody, leverage and manipulate, rally the troops and say, everybody says this. It's letting all of that go. And truly saying, help me understand where you're at and what is going on for you. And I promise I'm going to shut my mouth and listen. I'm gonna wrap my head around this. That would be the number one thing you can do.

We've had my brother David on our show, and he was in our men's group last month and said, and we've heard David say before, people, they're not looking for your advice. They simply want you to hear them most times. And if they do, they'll ask for the advice.

Yeah, Remember that.

That I said, well, that. That's a good one, you know?

And this brings us to step number two, because what we're after is this validation that you hear me, that you get me, that you understand me. That's what we're all seeking internally, emotionally. Because here's the thing. If you hear me, that's how I know you care about me, you want me. And that's where the conversation can go sideways really quickly. If you're dismissing me, talking over me, labeling me, nine times out of 10, I'm gonna go to, you don't love me, you don't care about me, you don't want this relationship. I'm giving up. I'm shutting down now. Why does it all matter? And I'm either gonna start. Stop talking, I'm gonna stop talking altogether, or I'm going to get exceptionally demonstrative, and I'm gonna attack you because I'm sick and tired of not being heard, and I don't know how else to get it. So this emotional validation number two is very important. When we are listening and we're trying to improve our communication, it's literally acknowled. Your partner is thinking and feeling as they're sharing it with you. And this can be done through body language, personal cues of hey, I heard you, or tell me more about this. I don't really quite understand where you're coming from here. Will you elaborate a little more? Or even if it's difficult for you to hear something along the lines of, man, this is really difficult for me to hear, Let me just take a breath here and come back to the listening because I feel like this is something I really need to understand. As I like to say, as a demonstration often, if Tom tells me I'm verbally abusive, what can I do with that? That would be really hard for me to hear. Number one, it's going to fire my emotions off. Absolutely. And if I attack, which I'm probably, if I don't regulate myself, going to do, it's going to sound a lot like, man, I can't believe you'd say that to me. You're verbally me, I'm verbally attacking. What about all the times you do it? What about all this time and this time and this time and this time? What have I accomplished towards pursuit of understanding in my communication? All I'm going to do is turn that into a fight. Instead, I might say something like, oh, man, that hurts you verbally abusive. Okay, let me just take a breath here and contemplate that for a moment. And then I'm going to say, tell me how it is you feel I'm verbally abusive, because that's not my intention at all. But I'd better understand how it is. I'm coming off that way. If not because I need to prove that I'm right and. Or I'm wrong, but because if this is the dynamic that's playing out in our relationship, wouldn't it behoove me to know how this is happening, that Tom is actually coming to the conclusion that I'm verbally abusive? That's going to be the only way I can work with it so I can shut it down and I can attack it, which is going to continue the cycle. It's going to continue the fighting. He's going to stack on more and more evidence that I am verbally abusive as I'm more and more attacking. I mean, I am kind of coming off verbally abusive now at this point, and it's not going to help us change the behavior. He is experiencing me as being verbally abusive, whether it's true or it's not true.

Well, you know, what you just demonstrated is, and you hear this a lot if you listen to us or watched us, is you've turned into a version of what you're just potentially denying. Right? You're demonstrating in a pretty intense way that, gosh, it seems like you're pretty intense and abusing me now by sharing with that, I'm feeling abused by. You know, I mean, so it's interesting how we can so quickly get into the. Some version of what it is we're fighting against.

The defensive.

The key here is that, well, there's two. Number one is that if your partner is telling you something that they don't like that you're doing. Number one, it doesn't mean that you are. That, like, you don't have to then say, okay, I'm a verbally abusive person. You don't have to take on that label and say, okay, that's what I am. You can just decide to change the behavior that they're identifying as verbally abusive. Abusive in their own minds. You can change that behavior. But that doesn't mean that you're a terrible person or any of those things, because that's why we defend ourselves. Defend ourselves because we're like, no, at the core, I'm not a verbally abusive person, so you must be wrong. Two things can be true. That one specific thing you're doing can be verbally abusive behavior, but it also doesn't mean that you're terrible and you need to go to jail for being an abusive person. Number two is that if your partner is telling you something that is hurting them, and instead of wanting to understand why that's hurting them or what it feels like for them to have that happen, and instead the only thing you want to do is defend yourself and tell them how wrong they are. Look at that for a second. Because you're not allowing your person to share their feelings with you, and you're saying, no, I'm not willing to make this relational experience better for you, I want you to continue hurting. Because I. I can't hear that you think this about me. Because the truth is, it's not about you in this instance. It's about them and how they're feeling. So you correcting behavior is validating them. And. But it also doesn't mean that you have to think the same thing. We get so mired in that, no, I'm not a terrible person, so this can't be true. But if you're stuck in that way of thinking, then you're refusing to acknowledge how your partner feels.

Well, you know, I just want to stack on that. If I may, because what we interpret as verbally abusive or defensive or controlling, etc. Can be a myriad of things. Things. It's no one thing. And so as a mentor once said to me, pay attention to the ones that punch you in the gut because those are probably the things you need to look at and let the rest of it glow by. And what plugs you in is going to be a variety of different things for different people. And so there might even be, in this example that I'm going to stay with verbally abusive. There might be a phraseology or a word that could potentially fire my person off. And all of a sudden they travel back in time to a place where that was used as an abusive technique in the families of origin that were growing up in or with some kind of an interaction with a friend or family member. And it gets registered in our brain emotionally as something that's abusive. And so if I'm not willing to explore how it is I'm coming off as verbally abusive in our communication, well then all of a sudden I'm going to miss A, understanding what fires my partner off or Tom off. And B, there is no way we're going to change the dynamic and this co creation between us for the better. And it doesn't mean I'm verbally abusive just because somebody said so, just like you said. What it means is there's phrases, there's body language, there's tonality, there's a lot of things that are firing off for my partner that are causing them to come to the summation that I am verbally abusive. I want to understand that, especially if I feel like I'm not verbally abusive. Like how is this happening?

And just to stack one more we have just so clearly identified, it's the personal movie framework that we talk about often. Meaning there can be all kinds of stimuli that all of us navigate every day. And there's a myriad of many, many different responses to that. That's the absolute confirmation that all have different experiences to the same stimuli. Okay, so that's important for us to remember. Like, Brooke doesn't mean that you're that but you're coming off that way or you're occurring that way for your special someone. It doesn't. Who cares if we're really wanting to understand and be more connected intimacy into the all of UIC and vice versa. Well then let's.

Gosh, that's.

You're in a much different movie than me. Yeah, no kidding. That sounds like it's a freaking horror picture. Yeah, no kidding. So, well, let's remedy that, right? I mean, let's remember we're all at our own and all seven and a half billion of us on this planet. So it's a. There's a lot to understand.

Yeah. And if we add just one more piece, you can tell we're passionate about this one because this is the biggie. This is the biggie. This is where we all get lost and even I can get lost, you know, because we're on this human journey right along with you. I was going to take it physical. Maybe if we could understand that if you wanted to dress in a way that really pleased your partner, if you wanted to put on a beautiful outfit or they, your man, your handsome man wanted to put on something that was really attractive for his partner, men or women, you would need to inquire with your person. I might have my favorite outfit and the way I would like to see things happen. But if I'm looking to co create or create an experience with my person putting this into the physical realm, then I'm going to say, hey, what would you like me to wear out tonight? I want to please you. And this is where we're talking about comes into play. If we want to please our partners and give them a safe place to co create with us in our relationships, then what fires them off needs to be understood. And that's no different. Then what pleases them visually or intimately is something we need to understand and know. And this is in that same realm of understanding my partner. What makes them tick, what fires them off, you know, what arouses them. I want to know those things and I'm not going to be able to guess or tell them what it is. It's something that needs to come from them. And so often we take these things really personal when they come to the emotional nature. And we're not so good about saying them, we're not so good about communicating them because we haven't been given a lot of skills and communication frameworks and understanding to understand the language of love to such a degree, we can say it and we don't understand that what I might say might fire somebody off for reasons that don't make any sense to me. And that's human. Then we're back to the racist. So this emotional validation piece is really important. You're basically just saying, okay, let me understand, let me not attack, let me not shut down, let me do my best to stay present and understand where you're really coming from so that maybe we can take crack at deciding what we can do to change this experience for the two of us in this co creation called a relationship. A couple of other super tips I want to give you around emotional validation is don't talk for someone. Do not talk over someone, do not talk for them. If you don't give them a place to express themselves, there's no way they're going to feel emotionally validated, seen and heard. You've lost them so many times when we get fired off we. No, no, no, that's not the way it happened. No, no, you, you can't say it like that. No, that is not how you feel, that is not what happened. Or no, see this is where you turn into a n and I'm literally interrupting the conversation and I'm going to disrupt the understanding. I'm also going to disrupt the safety. And now we're either going to fight or the conversation's going to be done. You're over.

Would that be a place then instead of that would be genuine curious questions to help you better understand what it is that's troubling or painful for your partner.

Yes. And just realize because of what we just mentioned a few minutes ago about everybody has the things that work for them and it may not make any sense to you when you do this. At best you're guessing and you're also preventing them from being able to emotionally, emotionally digest and validate themselves. It's through the talking. Sometimes I just need to know I said it. And you're preventing that from happening. Even if you do know, let them say it because you're helping supporting them in the conversation and you're creating a lot of things you need like emotional safety to share. And then best case scenario, you're just going to validate what you already heard or what you've already known anyway. So everybody wins in that scenario if you jump in and say it for them or cut them off. Now you're in a race to the bottom. Bottom. And there's no winners there in the communication. Second piece I'm going to give you is when it comes to the sharing, realize that communication is a sharing and a listening component. When I'm in the sharing role, I need to be mindful of owning how I think and feel. Just because my partner is the person hanging around when we were having a conversation and I had some thoughts and feelings that came up for me does not mean it's their fault. If you're the one feeling it, then it's a message for you and it's something that you need to find the remedies for and the ability to express. We can't blame the person who's firing these things off. And yes, there are. Everybody's going to go, yeah, but maybe they're intentionally doing it. Yeah, that's true. But you know how small of a percentage that is when we're really working on our relationship to improve it. It's very small. If we're talking, that's a completely different conversation about emotional manipulation and leveraging and control. Yes, that happens. But if I'm genuinely trying to take a stab at having a productive conversation, I really am doing my best. So give me the benefit of the doubt for a minute so we can make some progress here. Okay. Just suspend your disbelief for a moment and give it a try would be my recommendation there. Again, if you're the one feeling it, it's a message for you. So let's move on to number three, which is sincerely asked questions are the powerhouse of communication. Yes, indeed they are. Because here's what questions can do for you. They provide you with an opportunity to invite someone into the conversation. An example of is of this is, you look upset. Would you be willing to share with me what's coming up for you? Question on the end is the invitation in? Instead of saying what we would typically do, which is, oh, you're upset again. Are you upset? Are you going to tell me about it this time? That's a statement, that's not a question. So questions sincerely asked are invitations into a conversation. We could be having a conversation and a dialogue about a myriad of things and if I wanted to know and understand or invite you into what it is I was, you know, sharing, I share and then I say what comes up for you about that? Is there any thoughts and feelings that are coming up for you that you want to share with me at this point in time or I would love to know what's going on for you now. Would you be willing to share. Share it. Those are great examples of putting a question on the end of a statement and they become an invitation into the conversation.

Yeah, and those are open ended and those are beautiful because only the person that you're asking knows the answer. You don't know the answer. So it's going to also help us stay present and listen because we don't know the answer. Powerful coaches, the best ones in the world and whatever their area of expertise is in their mastery are the ones, in my humble opinion that ask the greatest questions that are open ended of their personal. They're working with Their masters at well.

Remember, what's our pursuit in communication? Understanding. So if you don't have your person sharing their thoughts and feelings, they're not going to understand. You're not going to seek that understanding. Now listen. Understanding happens when I share me with you and when I listen to when you share with me, that creates the understanding we need. It really doesn't matter what the circumstances are that we're trying to solve and understand. What we're really wanting is the way that those circumstances made me feel. Those are the things that we're after and that we're pursuing in the level of understanding. Instead of me just firing off what I believe to be true, when a myriad of things happen, we can get to what the other person was thinking and what it is they were feeling at the time this went down. And that's going to tell us a lot more about where we need to go from here than arguing about how they dressed the child or how they took the trash out or why they didn't get to dinner or why they're sitting on the couch and I think they should be helping or why you spent the money or these are the circumstances and what was driving that emotionally underneath the surface or how did those experiences and circumstances has caused you to feel? That's what we want to understand. That's the understanding that we're pursuing. And questions help us get to the heart of the matter in a way that we don't sacrifice the safety by attacking or shutting down or leveraging the situation altogether. It also is going to help you create remedies for what it is you want to do or try new in the relationship. As far as, okay, we've got the understanding, now what do we want to do with it? This is where we can say, I'd like to toss in a few ideas, would you mind? Or I'd like to know what you're thinking right now. Would you share? There's an invitation to lay ideas, strategies and remedies on the table for what we could try next. This is also really helpful when we're putting together agreements, right? I'd like to agree to this. Would that work for you? There's that question again. I'm feeling really upset about what's being talked about right now. Would you give me a minute so that I can just collect myself? I'm asking for help and support. I'm willing to be open to giving help and support so that we can achieve our goal of communication. And that's why questions become the powerhouse of communication to help Us create that ebb and flow. Anything you guys want to add about that?

No, I mean, and I think this is a tip or strategy that of us don't know or haven't had a lot of time practicing. And when you're good with this, it's unbelievable how effective it can be and how much what it provides to your special someone. If you're on the opposite end, it makes you so validated that you would take the time to ask me that quality of a question that only I know about. To me, that's all your greatest demonstration that you're really. And as my brother would say, then that would lead to an experience of connection. You know, when we feel like we're being asked in a genuine manner, we're going to feel more, I would say, much more connected to whomever is asking that question. Right.

We don't think to ask a question. We don't realize how powerful they are, number one. And number two, they create a lot of anxiety in us, especially if we're the ones asking the question, because do you really want the answer? Do you really want to know what they're thinking and feeling? It would behoove you to. But we negate the importance of that because we can get so lost in all of us can. It's all about me and what I'm feeling and I'm trying to ease my pain and so is the other person. And so it's like this idea of, look, everybody's needs can be met. It doesn't have to be at the exception of one or the other. It's give first and give fast. Because if I get to a place where I can give you the understanding first, then you're going to be more open to understanding me and we can both get our needs met here. Asking a question is a great way. And then you've got to do that emotional validation, that push up piece, because you might hear some things that you find difficult to hear, but better you hear them and understand them and ask questions about them so that we can change the trajectory of where we're going. Otherwise we're just going to continue in our pursuit to the race to the bottom. Those are literally your two choices. I know I've shared this recently on one of our podcasts, but I think it behooves us to share it. It wasn't all that long ago where I was a hot, hot mess. And I shut the conversation down with Tom in about two minutes. I recognized what I had done. Right. I was plugged in. I didn't want to give air time. I wasn't in a place to listen. I was literally taking my emotional anxiety and upset out on him. And so I needed to come back and clean that up as a do over really quickly. So if you find yourself in that place where you're like, ah, crap, I just did it. I attacked him. I shut the conversation down. I over talked. Just own it in a nanosecond and create a do over. You know what? I'm sorry, I'm noticing I talked over you. I'm noticing I just lost it there for a minute. Let me regather. And then would you be willing to continue the conversation? There's that question again. Right. So you can clean it up quickly right now. Don't let it linger. Don't defend what it is you've just done. See it, note it, express it and say, let's come back around. I'm sorry for that part. I'm trying to get better at this. Let's work together at this. And that starts to create a safe place to get better at communication. Questions on are very helpful ways to do that. So let's jump into the last. The surprise technique that I have no.

Idea what this is going to be. Do you, Brooke?

This is the surprising one. I'm going to invite you to create a code word or a phrase because one of the most difficult things to do when everybody starts to get fired up is to pause. And yet it can be a life saver. There is no point in continuing when everybody is fired up. And we all know this. We can all see that the more we fight, there's not one person or both of you that goes, aha, I see the light. I finally understand where you're coming from. Like, like it never happens and it won't happen. And we can count on that being the case every single time. And yet we continue to buy into the illusion that if I just say this one more point or if I point out one more flaw and why you're the reason to blame that we're going to have this epic moment of oh, you're right, that's such a great point. No, you're not. That won't happen unless you're in what I call a neutral place where we have the ability to emotionally regulate ourselves. And so it's okay if you get spun up and you find that you're not in that space anymore. Just own it. And the two of you can come up with a code word or a phrase to remind you of a couple of things. Number one, I care about you. The reason why I'm so spun up is because I care about this relationship and I care about you, and I want it to go well. Otherwise I wouldn't be so spun up. And how quickly, my friends, we forget when that's. When we are spinning up and we are plugged in. I forget that I care. In fact, I start coming up with a rationale that entitles me to say and do all kinds of terrible things to you, the person I say I love, because you said or did these things to me. And now we're to that race to the bottom. Again, a word that helps remind both of you that, oh, wait a minute, we like being in this relationship. We like each other. We want this to go better. We want to improve this. I care. We forget really quickly. So that word or phrase needs to remind you that I care. Number two, to not take things so seriously that there's plenty of time to gain the understanding that we're lacking right now. And it doesn't have to be done in one conversation. We can do it in conversations sometimes in big, serious issues. It might take us 50 rounds of coming back through this again and again and again in the pursuit of understanding before we arrive at some place we need to or can change a different direction that we can go. Take the 50 rounds, because here's what I know to be true each and every round and pass that you do. Pursuing that state of neutrality and understanding will shed more and more understanding on the situation, which is just going to help us finally arrive at the place we need to go. So take the 50.

So I have a question. So on this code, say we're. If things are escalating, it's not going well, then would I verbalize that code to my. To you?

Yep. So come up with this word or this phrase before you're in an escalated state, while you're in a good space. That's important. And again, it wants. You want it to remind you that you care and that this is a time for a pause. We need to pause because we want this to go.

I would also just quickly say maybe it should be something funny and random like hot dog, so that when. When you say it, it seems, like, absurd and you both could take a second and laugh.

You know, really reset the vibration and energy of the situation. No, I think that's a good. Yeah.

Some couples. Some couples, you. You need to come up with a word that resonates with the two of you, that communicates. We need to pause because we want this to go well, and I care. And yeah, humor is often a great interrupter, but so is hey cuddle or hey love making or hey flower. I mean, something that evokes or children. And that might be the key word because we want this to go well for ourselves and our family. Right. So find a word that's humorous, random, or find a word that takes you to that heart space. Find what's what works for you.

I would say whatever. Have it be effective meaning. So just whatever is going to reset it quickly. Because that's the whole point. Super tip is to quickly reset and get you both out of your phone.

One that I use often with Tom is you're so sexy. You're so sexy. And he'll go, oh, stop it. I know what you're doing. I know, but it works. And then it's like everybody can just exhale. So just find one that works for the two of you. Talk about it, dialogue about it, and don't be afraid to play around with it. Like you can change the word once you've come up with the word, if you're in the heat of the moment, it didn't work. Acknowledge. It didn't work. Let's find another word. It didn't take me to that emotional place where I can get off it. So spend some time and perfect something that then becomes a very powerful tool in improving your communication. Communication. So that's it. We've got number one. Just to recap here, number one, active listening. That's so important. Yeah, we talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We give it a lot of mouth time, but give it air time. That's what's important here. We need to listen more and talk less to improve our communication. And then that emotional validation. Tip two, that's important. You're going to hear some things that you don't want to hear, but your options are, I either understand it so we can improve it, or I shut the conversation down and we're just going to fight about it again and again and again and again.

And I would just say, just remember, it doesn't matter if that is similar for you. Let go of all that. It doesn't matter. Again, that's not even in the equation. Who cares? Like, that's the most ridiculous thing. I would never feel like that.

Like Brooke said, it's not about you.

Yeah.

It's about understanding what's going on for your partner in that moment. And it would behoove everybody to be able to one, express it and to understand it doesn't mean you are it. Right? It just means this is something that's throwing a wrench and what it is you say you want. So let's understand it and decide how to better dance with it. And then number three, sincerely ask questions are the powerhouse of communication. They allow you to invite your partner into a conversation. They also allow you to understand more, go deeper in a conversation. Please help me understand more about that. That's not making a lot of sense. Would you please share more? Tell me more. Would you please. Those are all really great uses of a question that's sincerely asked. And then the surprise technique that we shared with you, come up with a code word or a phrase that emotionally helps you get off it. Because we know that continuing in the escalation of a fight is not going to improve our communication. You're not going to see the light at the end of day. What's going to happen is you're going to shut the conversation down more and you're going to diminish, more importantly, the emotional safety to share over and over and over again until it's non existent. And my friends, if you don't understand much about emotional safety, you need to understand if it's not emotionally safe, nobody's going to share anything with you. I don't care how compelling your evidence or encouragement is to say something I will not. I will give you a placake, surface answer, but the opportunity for you to truly understand me is gone. So if you're having problems with emotional safety, which is where great communication needs to begin, then you, you gotta check out that episode we did on emotional safety and it will walk you right through it. So I think that's it for today. Anything you guys want to add?

I mean, these are huge, if you will, and hopefully you can use these and put them into your situation, your relationship quickly enough.

I just wanted to say for all the people who, like I said in the beginning, who are like, no, our problem is that we never talk to each other. This is why now that you've heard all these reasons, if you're, if you don't have the permission and safety to talk about the big things, then the little things also are not talked about. Either you both one or both of you shuts down and all communication stops. And then the only things you're talking about are the things you have to talk about. Did you take the trash out? Can you pick the kids up on Friday? That's what happens. It's not that you and your partner fall out of love or you just suddenly become incompatible. It's that there's a slow breakdown where there's no emotional safety and these communication skills are not happening, where you're not giving emotional validation, you're not active listening, you're not asking questions and you don't have a code word. So there's nothing being talked about. So it's not that you run out of things to talk about, it's that the way you talk about things are not healthy. So this is the answer to that question?

Yeah, absolutely. And if you are in a place where communication is not happening, happening at all, start with emotional safety. And then as you build the emotional safety, implement the things that we've talked about in this episode today.

Also, if you are struggling, we invite you to join the Better Love Club. And you can go to thebetterloveclub.com and look at all the details. And if you would like to test us out for a Monday night class, you can do that by it's $35 to test us out for a Monday night class. We'll then apply that to your first month of the Better Love Club monthly payments. And you can do that by emailing us@lovestacybartley.com and we'll make it really easy and simple for you to join us for the next Monday night.

Yeah, we just had some listeners that listened to that and they joined us on a Monday night and now they're members. So just come in and test us. And guess what? If you don't feel like it was a positive experience, you didn't like it, we'll refund your 35 investment so there is no risk.

No risk.

Yeah, but try it before you say you don't like it or you could never do that. To be fair, you've never experienced it, so at least experience it. And then London let us know.

Yeah, we've got a whole pillar dedicated to communication here. My greatest advice to you is if you're in a place where the communication is not going well and it's shut down, don't wait because it's not going to improve. The way to improve relationships is through the lens of communication. That's why all 2,000 participants said, Our biggest problem is communication. Yeah, you're right, but not for the reasons you think. There's other components that go into just forcing yourself, your partner, to talk, as we've highlighted here today. And there's many, many nuances beyond this. When we get masterful at the things we've talked about, this is the basics. And then we can start stacking on how you say it and the frameworks necessary to organize what you need to say in a way that it can be heard. But we can't even go there until we get some of these basic things foundationally implemented into your relationship. So reach out to us, get some help and get us some support. We would love to be that place of refuge for you to help you improve your relationship. You deserve that. Absolutely. Absolutely do. All right, let's have a little bit of fun. We promise that in each and every episode. And what we mean by fun is just switching it up a little bit. Give yourself something that you can do where you put your problems on the shelf and you remember and remind yourself, I like this person. I like being around this person. We can create some moments that impact us positively, even though we're going through a challenging time. Time. And so I'm gonna take you back in today's Follow the fun moment to a place where maybe you were in first or second grade and you had this little thing called show and Tell.

Oh, boy.

Wow. For most of us, it evokes this emotional response of wow. Yeah.

When you bring it, you'd bring it, like, in a little special box, right?

Yeah. We just brought in a paper bag back.

I remember, like, a little special box, which is. I don't remember that, really. You were really excited. And then we think certain days, little Johnny's turn was showing Hotel, and then it was Freddy's and Joey's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had two or three people that would bring in their special little thing that they had selected to share with the class. And do you remember when it was your turn?

Oh, yeah.

Like, how much thought and care you'd put into what you were gonna actually spring on somebody. And it was always something that was really important and valuable to you.

That's why you put in a special box.

Yes. And I remember one of my. I don't. I'm gonna share one of my daughter brills. She had this epic fishing trip with her dad, and she was so proud of. Of her fish that she decided to take her frozen fish to show and Tell. And unfortunately, before they could get to the show and Tell, it had melted in her backpack and it started to smell. Unfortunately, show and Tell that day was later in the afternoon and not in the morning. And so. And you remember being on the receiving side. Right. What are they going to show us and what is it going to be and where is it going to take us?

Smelly fish.

Yeah. That day it took us to Smelly Fish. I want you to know that this works for adults too.

Too.

Like being able to share epic things that are important and valuable to us, evoke that same emotion. Even though we're not in second grade anymore, we're adult. So I want to invite you to pick out some photos or some videos of your favorite memories this week and have a show and tell in your own home. Share these things with each other and say, oh, this is the moment. Oh, I love this. You know what was going on for me. This is why I love this. This is why this is so valuable to me. Let me share with you something that is important and valuable to me, that means something to me. And then you give each other a turn to do that. Two, three, four videos. However long you want to do some show and tell, take an opportunity and create an opportunity for you to do a little show and tell over a wonderful meal. And that will create such a wonderful experience of connection and validation for each of you. It's going to take you back to second grade, I promise. It's going to put a smile on your face and make everybody feel really good about the opportunity to share these things with you. The song that I've selected for today's episode is of a couple. Kalina or she has a song called Love Language, which I just thought was so appropriate for our episode on Communication today. In her song, she talks about be patient with me. I want to be fluid in your love language and not get lost in the translation. And that really is the goal when it comes to communication. I can't say it enough. It's the pursuit, understanding, not who's right and who's wrong and whose fault this is. That's typically, that's where we go in our communication pursuits is trying to figure out who's to blame for the challenges and the emotional experiences I have I'm having. And instead, we need to get fluent in each other's love language. Beyond physical touch, affection, those kinds of things. I need to get fluent in how you feel and where you go when X happens. That's my opportunity and it's my opportunity to discover those things for myself. So you can listen to this week's song along with all of our entire playlist on our website, our podcast page, or you can find it on the Spotify playlist at Love Shack Live playlist. We just put this together for yet another added layer of experience. We want you to feel the conversation that we've attempted to have here with you today as well as we just like music. So we want to be able to share that with you for a little bit of fun. All right, that's it for this week's episode of Love Shack Live. And if by chance you need help and support in your relationship, we would love for you to consider this a great place to begin the journey. And if you have a conversation you would like to have here inside of the Love Shack, we would love to hear from you. Don't hesitate to reach, reach out, ask your questions and engage with us. I promise we'll get back to you. It might take us a minute, but I promise we're very passionate about communicating with you. So just give us a few minutes to reply and I promise you will. And listen, I'm going to invite you to also like, comment and subscribe to our podcast for more information on relationship advice and we look forward to seeing you in the next episode. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the last Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on, ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.