#133: The 5 Most Common Relationship Mistakes (And How To Avoid Them)

If you're the only one that's wanting to talk and be understood and you're pushing that agenda down your partner's throat, that's not communication. That's power and control. That's a process of manipulation, not communication.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love shack.

Hey, welcome to the love shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 133, and in this episode today we're going to be talking about the five common relationship mistakes that we make as human beings and how to avoid them. This topic affects all of us. Relationship mistakes and messes are inevitable. We all do them. They're going to happen. And how we handle them is going to be directly related to whether our relationships are navigating through it or they're breaking down. And we're not just talking about these mistakes. We're also going to help you, you see and understand how to avoid them as well. And also, I just want to give you this super tip here. These mistakes will happen whether you love your person or not, or they love you. There's a misnomer there that these things won't happen if you really love me and I really love you. Right. Or we're soul mates or we're meant to be. And I just want to alert you that yes, they will. Because before we fall in love, we're a human being and one of the most challenging things we wrestle with inside of ourselves is ourselves. We're going to make mistakes. Mistakes are going to happen. Emotional pain is part of the deal. And that all plays out. Even though I love you so, so, so, so much, or my partner loves me so, so, so, so much.

It doesn't mean that you have a sucky relationship or that you need to break up with each other if they do happen.

[TOM ]: I was just going to say so meaning if I switch to my another person, I still may have these mistakes happen.

You absolutely will have.

[TOM ]: Oh, darn. I was just getting ready to maybe think we're done now. Just kidding.

Yeah, so that's just kind of part of relationships. They're very messy. This misnomer that you're going to find your special someone and if it's truly meant to be, you're gonna not have any problems. The day to day life is going to be smooth as glass. I want you to know I love the story, but it's not reality.

[TOM ]: I was just gonna say on our clarity calls, I pretty much, I don't know if I've ever asked someone and I've asked them, how does the story go? Person comes together, you have your special day and how do they live? Pretty much everyone can answer. And they live how happily ever after?

Yeah. And the tragedy in all of this, not to get off topic, but then we make up some terrible stories about ourselves and our partners because it's messy and it can be very painful and frustrating and disappointing. And so we're set up with these ideas and beliefs and perspectives that if I find my special someone and they truly love me, then it's supposed to go a certain way. And I just want you to know nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, when you fall in love and we co create with another human being, that is the, the moment in time where we have the greatest risk on the table. So the reality is all my fears and insecurities are going to flash and the more I care and want this to go well, the more they're going to come up and flash. So if anything it gets more messy after that special day, not less messy after that special day.

[TOM ]: And, and look, hey, we're all about, we love relationship. That's all we talk about as a family and a body of work. And we're not a glooms day. We're we love great relationship. And that' not only for the chosen few. It is absolutely available for all of us. I think as long as we understand what's required and there are going to be some bumps in the road, that's all good. It's all part of it.

Yep, that's part of being a human being. We're messy, we're mess making machines as we like to say over here. So let's jump into point number one. One of the most common mistakes is an inability to emotionally regulate yourself or do what I call or we call in our body of work emotional push ups. The problem with this is when I can't emotionally regulate, I'm going to sacrifice the emotional safety that's required in order to have a productive conversation. So when the safety gets sacrificed, it's going to lead to the oh so common behaviors of reaction which is typically rip your face off attack or get the heck out of dodge response. Shut down, not talk, get quiet. Both of these responses will sacrifice our ability to experience deep connection and navigate through the inevitable challenges and ups and downs of life. So you must learn how to do an emotional pushup to be a Master at relationships. Like, this is where it's all got to begin. And we've done an episode or maybe two that are coming to mind on just this very thing. Emotional safety. It's important that if you want to begin improving your emotional experiences in your relationship, this is the first mistake that we don't realize we need to focus and double down on.

[TOM ]: So is. So is that like the John Mayer song? Just say when I need to be able to say and not worried about getting my head ripped off?

No, actually, now you're leading us to step number two. Once I can emotionally regulate myself, now I can start focusing on communicating effectively. As the saying goes, it's not so much what you say, but how you say it. And listen, we've all been there. We're desperately attempting to get our partners to hear and understand us. In spite of our best efforts, it turns into a fight. This is because we compete for. For understanding instead of realizing we can both be understood. If someone will simply give first and give fast. What do I mean by that? Somebody has got to be willing to set aside their need to be understood and heard first. Not at all, but first, so that you can give the understanding and the listening to one person, and then the other person can be listened to and heard as well.

[TOM ]: Do you find that's hard when you're working with someone one on one? That or a couple one on one where he or she is worried that they're not going to get their say.

In fact, I've watched people, literally, they're like, on the couch. If you're listening to this on the podcast, I'm wiggling my body on the video.

[TOM ]: It's like they are shaking our table.

Because they are doing everything they possibly can to just keep it together long enough until they get their turn. Now, are they listening in that moment? No, absolutely not. But that's where it's got to begin, right? So, again, if I don't have the ability to emotionally regulate being able to listen and get to the point, or the goal of understanding is going to be sacrificed. And I've seen this with our clients as well. They sit and they twitch for a minute, and then they just can't help themselves. They talk over or they interrupt or they take it off path. They attack. They get defensive. They say things like, that's not how it went down. Oh, now you're lying. Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not how it went down. Or, hey, come on, we talked about this. I told you that you were a narcissist. So you need to just come clean. They're needing to be validated and heard so much so. And their inability to emotionally regulate themselves puts them in this place where they're const in talking for talking over, negating, dismissing what's being shared and the ability to actually understand is gone. So this give first, give fast idea is that I'm willing to set my agenda aside for a moment and just hone in on listening and understanding where you're coming first. And then I'm going to request that you give that back to me. That there's an exchange there, a give and receive there in our communication. And that's really important. So somebody's got to go first. It doesn't mean it's exempt of you being heard and understood. It's just, I'm going to wait my turn. Remember being a kid and not feeling like you're first and you're jumping out of your skin because you want to go first and instead you're in the back of the line. We've got to practice that ability in our communication to say, I relinquish this. You go first, I'll give first, I'll give fast. And then I'm going to anticipate my turn will come as well. I'm going to request that my turn.

[TOM ]: So to be fair, so if you give first and give fast, we just want to make sure whoever that's been gifted to them remembers that and then gives that same same opportunity back. Right. I think that's where it's like when we ask, we don't ever come back to it. Right.

Give and receive, you got to make.

[TOM ]: Sure you can't be good on that.

If you're the only one that's wanting to talk and be understood and you're pushing that agenda down your partner's throat, it's not. That's not communication. That's power and control. That's a process of manipulation, not communication. And there's a big distinction there that you need to be mindful of. And if you find yourself being the person that's doing this right now, then, okay, we've got to practice emotionally regulating and literally practicing the listening. And how do we do that? We've got a whole episode on that as well. But long story short, it's your ability to not let your brain travel and you start canning a response. It's focusing in on what your partner is saying and asking them questions about that. Because the goal of any communication between lovers is that of understanding where everybody is coming from. Not about what happened, not about went down, not about the latest quiz or blog article that you read on the Internet that basically diagnosis and labels such and such and so and so as blah. It's listening. What's coming up for you? Where are you at? How can I help you? How can I support you? Help me understand why this happened, where are you living? What are you needing from me? Those are all really great questions that we should be asking in the listening position. And then, yeah, I know you've got some things to say too. And there will be a moment that will come after the person has been understood that you can then step in and say, I'd like a turn now and I'd like to be heard too. Would you please just listen to me now? There should be a give and receive that is absolutely practiced there. I also want you to know while I'm here that that's how we set it up for a win. And in our video rebuild trust in our relationship now, as well as an episode on podcasts, you can dive deeper into this principle. We do a deep, deep dive into this again. Before we move on to the next point, I just want to point out the goal of effective communication needs to be seeking the understanding when it comes to communication. Not a blame, not the need to be right. This is not communication, it's defensiveness. So make it a habit to check in with and understand your partner's thoughts and feelings and then request that they give you the same gift back so that somebody can begin the practice of give first, give fast.

[TOM ]: Well, and I think it's really important to remember genuine curiosity will slow the emotion down. So if we're genuinely curious and we can remember to pause and breathe, slow our brain down and ask questions in a way that is genuine, gonna help our special someone, our husband or wife, a long partner, as well as us. It's just how it works. So we can forget everything. Just remember genuine curiosity.

Love it. Our third mistake is holding on to past mistakes.

[TOM ]: Oh boy.

You knew that one was going to be in there, right? Why is that such a problem? Anybody want to chime in? Why is holding onto past mistakes such a problem?

Because it keeps us stuck in the past, which you know is in the name of the mistake. But also we make decisions based on believing that it's still happening. So if we're obsessed with the past, which, you know, if you are, we're not not saying that you're bad or that you are stupid for thinking these things because it's just natural as a human to want to protect ourselves from past hurts. So we believe that to do that, we have to obsess about the past and monitor the past and bring up the past anytime we're triggered. But what we don't realize is that by doing that, we are acting as though those things are already happening. And that's how we're showing up in our relationship.

That's exactly it. As humans, we have this illusion that if we hold on to the past, it will prevent us from having more emotional pain of an unwanted experience. And the reality is, when we hold on to it, it is held as though it's still happening. That's how I remind myself to not let it go, is I obsess about it, I ruminate on it. I continuously remind myself that it happened, and so I refuse to let it go. What we don't realize here is if you don't forget the past, it has you showing up and living as though it's still happening. And you're going to stack and make decisions on that, just like Brooke said, that are going to absolutely undermine your relationship.

And if a person might be saying, okay, so what? Isn't that good that I'm acting as if it's still happening? Because then I'm preventing it from happening again. But what exactly do you mean by you're showing up as though it's still happening? Like, how is that changing my behavior in a relationship?

Because if I'm emotionally ruminating in this and feeling the pain and hurt of this thing that's happened in our past, right? Whether that's a day ago, three weeks ago, or three years ago, that emotional experience that I'm having is going to have me making decisions about what I want to say, how I want to communicate, how I want to show up, what I'm willing to do for you or not do, whether we're going to have sex or not, whether I'm going to spend time with you or not, it starts to affect all of these things that we know we need to be doing. But I don't emotionally feel like it because I'm still hurting and reminding myself of this thing from the past. So that's what I mean by you're going to show up congruent to that feeling, which means I'm going to probably push you away. I'm going to ignore you. I'm not going to care what you have to say. And I could even take it a step further and make up a whole narrative in my mind as to why I'm in entitled to mistreat you, to talk down to you, to dismiss you, to manipulate you, to not consider you. And this is how, you know, it's kind of like a turning of the tables where somebody makes a mistake and now the person that was betrayed or let down or disappointed turns into a monster. And now I'm the one that's breaking the relationship down because I'm unwilling to let the past go. And I'm living as though it's still happening, which is going to emotionally exhaust you as well as allow you to say and do things that do not feel good or congruent around the person that you want to be in the relationship that you want to create. So that's what I mean by you're going to show up as good as you feel. And as you can see, that's not so great. Here's the thing about letting go of the past. I promise you that if there is a problem with something that has not been resolved after we. We remedy the past experiences and find a better way to go forward, I promise you, if this is still an issue, emotionally or physically, behaviorally, it's going to show up in the relationship again. And my encouragement is we'll address it then and not a second before, because otherwise you're going to miss your moment of rest and repose and the opportunity to rebuild, go in a different direction. That's how we sacrifice the opportunity to move on or move forward is we're trying to remind ourselves of what happened in the past. Thinking in that illusion that's going to prevent it from happening again.

[TOM ]: And do you think that if we let that go, do you run into people like, well, gosh. And then that's just being dismissed. Like, I'm going to use the big one, the elephant in the room, the affair, right? Is that's a big one, right? So if I let that go, then am I saying that that was okay? I mean, is that what we hear and is that what you hear?

Yeah, that's exactly what we hear. But think about this. The other side, can you punish them enough and bring it up enough and hash it enough in order to repair your relationship? No, you can't. And so understanding it and deciding how it is that we can prevent this to the very best of our ability from happening again is a worthy conversation to have with new agreements built in so we can begin to rebuild trust. But then I've got to let it go, or otherwise I'm going to do what we just talked about. I'm going to show up and I'm now going to become the person who's not allowing us to move forward because I won't leave it alone. So no opportunity for us to create something different because I'm constantly stuck in the past. Now listen, emotions are like that. They're going to be things that are going to fire off our fears and insecurities when it comes to especially affairs or any form of betrayal or distrust. We're going to go, oh my gosh, it's happening again. Oh my gosh. I can see evidence of it. I better investigate, I better sort through their phone, I better reevaluate, check the car tracker, check the bank account. So I'm going to be hyper alert and hypersensitive. That's an emotional push up on the person who's needing to let it go. And it's okay to talk about it from a perspective of I'm really struggling with this. I'm not going to take it out on you. I'm just letting you know where I'm at. And could I ask you for a bit of reassurance here that you love me, that you want this, that we're going in a good direction, that all is well so that I can let it go. You can get help and support or that from your partner. You just don't get it. Berate them, blame them, rehash it, you know, push them away, dismiss it. Because then you're not going to be able to create what it is you say you ultimately want, which is repairing the relationship.

[TOM ]: And I think that was a very powerful distinction that you just shared. You're not dismissing it, but you can bring it up in a way that serves the whole. And again, we're not at all suggesting that you have to dismiss any of this, but there's just much more effective ways to sharing when you're struggling. Then you can learn how to leverage off your partner and he or she can again, you can already talking about agreements inside the Better Love club right now. You can have these agreements and pre understandings of how you can support each other, especially when you're a hot mess.

Absolutely.

[TOM ]: That's incredibly powerful.

We talk about this in the episode Three Steps to Moving on from Past Mistakes in Our Relationships. I encourage you to check out that episode. But I will say this. If we were to liken physical pain into emotional pain, right? Let's say I'm struggling and something egregious happened. There was a major surgery that one of us went through because an affair and betrayal and distrust can feel like a major surgery. Like whoa, Holy cow. Think about how you alleviate physical pain. Some days are really, really challenging.

[TOM ]: Oh, geez.

And you can't get the pain under control, but you continuously are trying different remedies and orders to ease it.

[TOM ]: You loaded me up the car one day and says, we're getting out of here. And you took me up to a beer fest. I had my walker and everything. I was walking around this little beer fest with my walker, and I got my knee repl. But it was very helpful. It switched things up.

Well, in addition to, you know, elevating it and ice and conversations and massage and all the myriad of things that we were collectively leaning in on and saying, what do you need now? How can I help it? Let's try this. Let's try this, let's try this. You need to handle emotional things like.

Like that.

Like, what do you need? How do we ease this? How can I support you? Oh, here's where I'm really struggling. This is what's hurting. Okay, what do you need? Let's try this, let's try this, let's try this, let's try this. That's usually what I encourage you to just. That's a great association, shall we say, or a metaphor about how to ease emotional pain. And again, we do a deep dive in that in episode three, Steps to Moving Past our Mistakes in Our Relationships. And this is something that all couples are going to have to wrestle with at some point in time for a variety of different reasons. And it's crucial to learn from the past. Right? That's the part that we need to get better at so that we know what to do differently in the future. And then we implement that and we remedy that, and we go forward. Don't dwell on the past, because that's what's going to harm your relationship. We must seek in earnest to accept, give, learn, and then implement what it is you've learned from the past so that we can then move forward together. It can't be, I'm moving forward or I need to punish you in order for us to move forward. That's always going to break the relationship down. So moving on. Another common mistake is letting conflicts go unresolved. So talking about challenging things, let's be honest, is hard. And the biggest reason that they're hard is because we don't have a lot of really great examples of going through conflict and having it go well. So by nature, because of our families of origin and what we see playing out in the world around us is we tend to withhold things that we're afraid to talk about. So if I don't have a lot of skills and awareness and acumen and experience that help me understand that stepping into this conflict is actually going to resolve it then I'm going to have a tendency to not want to resolve it at all. And then that just puts me in a place where I'm crossing my fingers and just hope that this is going to go well. And this sets us up for frustration, resentment, acting out a cycle of fighting that escalates. Like this is how that all happens is I'm unwilling to or don't know how to or terrified of addressing the conflicts from our past experience.

[TOM ]: I was going to say how often do we all hear we seem to be having these conversations and we just go around and around. Been around. Yeah you do.

And that's why is because we don't know how to get through the conflict and we don't have great examples in regards to what that looks like to getting through to the other side.

I would also say that people couples who say that they never fight it's not because they have no conflict. It's because they're avoiding any conflict.

I love that Brooke. Thanks for bringing that one up. Because the net result of saying oh we never fight. They fall out of love. That's what happens. I just it's over. So your relationship will end. Sure. You don't have anybody pointing at a certain thing that was said were done that was egregious. That was a quasi fight. You avoided all of that magically. But what's also going to happen is there is no emotional connection. There is no concept us in the co creation of life.

[TOM ]: That's a major flat line.

Major flatline. Because that's what you're going to have to do to avoid conflicts is just not engaged. Not share how you really feel or what you're thinking or what you're wanting or needing. So we just pretend everything is okay until there's nothing left of our relationship. Relationship. Yeah. So that one's not going to save you.

[TOM ]: Brooke. Do you remember this one? And when I was raised you and your brother. Life is not without disappointment.

Right.

[TOM ]: And nor is it in our special relationship. It's not without disappointment. It's going to happen.

So how do you avoid this? You've got to learn the skills that are necessary to address conflicts when they arise. Things like initiate a do over immediately. Don't sit on it. You can do this and then discuss it openly and find resolutions together. And yes it's going to take skill it's going to take practice, it's going to probably take, take support because until we get the support we need, we're going to be terrified of doing it. So what are we going to do? We're not going to do it at all. Once you get to an experience where you've gotten through even just a small conflict to see that you can get pop out on the other side, then it's like, oh my gosh, that really worked. Holy cow. Okay, they're always going to probably make your armpits sweat. However, the more experiences and examples you have of getting through them, the more likely you are to step into them.

Also, let's just be real here. You're not going to be able to do this on your own. Like you're not going to be able to to say, okay, we avoid conflict. And then all of a sudden you're gonna become an amazing conflict resolution team. You need help. So how do you get help? You join the Better Love Club. Go to the betterlove club.com all the information is there. If you wanna join us for a Monday night class and test us out for 35 bucks, email us loveaceybartley.com we'll get you set up. Yes, listening to this episode is the first step in getting better at these things. But listening to a 40 minute episode is not going to be all that. You need to start doing these things on your own because you're gon messes when you try to clean them up. So as funny as that sounds like, yeah, you're gonna, you're gonna try to get better at relationships. But when we do that, just like when you, when you try to learn how to ride a bike, you fall down. The same thing happens here. So why don't you set yourself up for success by putting support in place on the front side so that when you start to get better at these things, you have someone there like us three to help you and guide you and make it okay when you fall down and you can get back up so much quicker.

Quicker. I love that. And I'm going to stack on that if I may. One of the most perplexing and frustrating things about the work that we do is that all of a sudden somebody will come in to save their relationship, to get help and support and then the relationship blows sky high. Not because they aren't learning and progressing, but because they waited too long. There's just too much depletion of what we call the emotional capacity to pour into saving at the work of actually rolling up Your sleeves and practicing. Everybody's exhausted, so the relationship blows sky high. And then everybody goes, okay, we're good. And I go, wait a minute. You're going to probably get into a relationship again, right? And don't you want to just understand what happened from the past so that you can get better at it going forward? We just talked about that, like, learn from the past and the mistakes that were made, because that's going to highlight for you what it is. We need to understand and improve going forward so that we can get better at this thing called love. Not repeat. The same old stuff goes on and on again. It's kind of like all of a sudden, the emotional pain of it gets alleviated and we go, oh, okay, we're good. Just recognize and realize you're still stuck at your same skill level and the likelihood, especially if you don't understand where the missteps were and the interplay of what was going on. Yes, you're gonna fool around and fall in love with somebody else, and you're gonna find yourself in a very similar situation. Right. Different face, different circumstances. The emotion of it all is the same.

[TOM ]: I would say that what you just described. So.

Yeah.

[TOM ]: So if I heard you correctly, meaning you come into the better love club as a couple, a husband and wife, whatever. And then. Yes. Look, sometimes people decide that they're not gonna be able to stay together. We're all about it, having it go. Well, that's a conversation time. But so that happens. And you're saying, like, and we have this. Don't quit. That's really the opportunity for you to understand. Gosh, I don't want to continue to make those same mistakes going forward. And even when people swear over the phone to me that I'm never going to get back into a relationship, I will say with great love and respect. Yes, you will. Yes, you will.

And also, no matter how much we love to think all the problems where our partner, okay, I'm breaking up with this person, so everything's going to be fine. Now you'll be shocked and saddened to see that the same problems are going to follow you into the next relationship. It takes two to tango. So those same problem, you know, maybe they will be a little different the parts that you contributed in, because we all do. We all contribute issues into our relationships, whether or not we like it. Those are still going to be there. So why not set yourself up for success and learn how to navigate them as they show up, rather than waiting till your relationship is almost gonna end again?

[TOM ]: What's your quote about the scene of the crime.

Oh, there's always someone hanging around the scene of the crime and that someone is you.

[TOM ]: Oh.

Regardless of how it went down, things that you're not wanting to face or look at or work with and you think because of. We tend to. I call it the fart in the room. If I feel like I'm doing my best, then there's only one other person in this relationship and that's you. So it must be your fault. And we can get on a bandwagon of blame there. And it's easy for any of us to do if we're not mindful of it. And while you guys were sharing too, I was traveling back in my own mind's eye about some of the disbeliefs that I had about where I would find myself again and again and again in relationships and guys. It took me seven serious, seven not married people, but seven relationships or seven significant emotional rounds to understand that I was very much a participating part of the problem. And thank goodness I kept working with it. Relationships have always been my jam as far back as I can remember, because the death of my dad, I recognize and realize they're exceptionally important. Like they are the most important thing in life. I had the privilege of learning that at a very young age. But even though I had that awareness and there was still me showing up in them and learning what worked and that didn't work and I was a huge pleaser. And so I would get into relationships and I had a lot of confidence and ability and strength. I loved a project and I come to find out that I rubbed a project because it made me feel better about myself. When I was in a tremendous place of self doubt about wondering if I was good enough and I could do it and trying to clean up past mistakes, I would find myself in relationships where I wanted to be the stronger person that could love the pants off of somebody and I'd make it really good for them. And when we'd get navigating life and I would slowly but surely like flatline and lose my zest for life and felt like I was overwhelmed with the necessary needs of trying to make somebody else happy while my own needs weren't being met and I didn't feel like I was good enough to get my own needs met. So I wouldn't ask for them, I wouldn't advocate for them. I would just buy into this idea that if I keep pleasing and loving with all of my heart, then finally the tables were going to turn and then I would be Loved. And I would get my needs met. I mean, obviously, you know, should be able to see. Right. And then I'd get angry because I would think, I'm giving all of this to you and I'm doing all of this for us and I'm making this work for everyone and I am falling apart. This is not fair. And then I would get exhausted and I would end the relationship and they would be going, why do you want to end this relationship? It's the greatest relationship I've ever been in. And I'm thinking for you. And I kept thinking it was the person without realizing it was the way I was setting it up. It was the place I was living inside of myself. And it was very much coming from, I'm not good enough. So I need to prove my way worth. I need to get it right. I need to please, I need to over give, overextend. And like I said that that took me seven to understand and recognize and just real.

[TOM ]: So this is why we're so passionate. And it doesn't have to take you 7 if it does, it's okay. But the point here is everything we do is to shorten the process. It's all about creating new momentum. Why? Because you will absolutely guaranteed run out of gas at some point.

What I would have done for somebody to just help me explain that and help me see that maybe after relationship relationship to one, I would dismiss it for sure. We do. Oh, yeah, it was totally them two. You kind of start to go, wait a minute. How come this feels a little back.

[TOM ]: To the quote you just shared. There's a common denominator in this and it's me.

And if somebody would have at that point said, look, let me help you see this. Let me help you understand how relationships work. Let me understand how you're setting it up and where you need to take responsibility for what's happening here. Oh my gosh, that would have been such a lifesaver.

And to sum it all up, what you are going to do is what I did, where I got a divorce and had a ton of unresolved issues. And then I was yelling at my new partner for what I should have resolved in my past relationship.

Yep, that. That happens too. I'm sure I've done that. I'm sure you as our listener has done that. That's how these things continue to play out over and over and over again. And here's the thing. Relationships really do have a wonderful aspect to them that very few of us get to live in. And it's because take the time to study them and learn them and practice what's required in order for us to be more successful with them. All the signs and opportunity is there. It's just we won't take it. We won't look at it. We won't do a deep dive and practice. And until we're willing to do that, we're not going to get better at love, just like we wouldn't get better at anything else we didn't spend any time with. So just recognize and realize the principles that govern life apply to relationships as well. And so that's why we as a team just become really brokenhearted and disappointed when people go, oh, the relationship blew up. So I'm good now. I'm good now. They're gone. The problem is gone. No, it's not. This is that moment where I wish I could have found somebody to say, let me help you understand what just played out.

[TOM ]: And I would say it's exactly why we have set up our Better Love Club. Very strategically, how life typically happens. Meaning you can maybe start as a couple and then something happens, or you can not start as a couple. And because usually two people at the same time don't raise their hands. So there's so many things that we have built into it because we're trying to do everything we can as hard how things normally go. Not. Not story. Okay. So it doesn't matter if you're individual or you're a couple. You know, we're going to be in a relationship because that's what the numbers tell us. So this is a. Also a long play. Like Stacy said, What other part of life that you've had success in, I would challenge you. Has it been without what I call the currency of commitment? Time, money, focus, energy. No, not for me. Well, so that's great news. I always remind people, because that's what's available. If you apply that same currency to your relationship, you will have success. Now, just like other successes, it's not without bumps in the road, but they make you stronger. Let's just be fair. So that's a good news. It's a good news message. It's good news. So roll up your sleeves and join us.

All right, our final mistake. We should probably move on to that.

[TOM ]: Let's go. Let's. Last one here.

So the final mistake is neglecting your partner's needs. That's a mistake because we start to say, I'm more entitled to get my needs met than you are because of what you've done or what You've said or didn't do or say that I've been waiting around to hear. And essentially what we start doing is we dismiss them. And the reality is you don't understand them and, and you struggle with meeting their needs. And yeah, I get it. My needs aren't being met. I just shared a story, actually a tale of many years where I would find myself in this very same conversation. I would give and give and give and then I wouldn't get my needs met. And so I'd stop giving and I'd stop pushing that, start pushing them away and then I'd start meeting my own needs. But none of this is communicated, none of this is vetted out. It's all a mechanism that's happening in my own mind and rationale and I could find evidence to support any and all of it. And so then I, I would stop meeting my partner's needs and I'd start pushing them out and realize if we're talking co creation, which is what a relationship is, the minute I'm starting to push either one of us out, I pull away myself or I push my partner out. We're no longer in co creation anymore and it's a huge mistake that we make. Now, I'm not professing that you have to overextend or over get like I did in a relationship to not make this mistake. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you need to learn how to advocate for your own needs and wants and you need to allow your partner to do the same. And it's kind of like going back to that give first give fast thing. It's that there's a given or receive on both sides. And we need to do this in regards to getting our emotional needs met as well, because dismissing them is going to break our relationship down even further. And this can all be avoided by recognizing I have needs that I can talk about and share with you. And I'm still open, even though we're going through a difficult time to do my best to meet the needs that I know are critically important to you as well. And I bet if you surveyed hundreds, a hundred couples, or gosh, let's even make it a smaller pool, a hundred.

[TOM ]: Good.

Let's go with a hundred. Changing my mind here. I bet if you surveyed a hundred couples, out of those hundred couples, very few would even know what the emotional needs of their partner are. They're going to talk to you about where their emotional needs aren't getting met and then they're Going to profess that they've actually shared them with their partner. And in doing so, that's the conversation that entitles them to dismiss, belittle, criticize, push away, shut down. And so we can really get stuck in this conversation instead of genuinely having a conversation as we talked about before, really understanding in the specifics of what it is you emotionally need and then us practicing to meet. Those conversations don't happen.

[TOM ]: And it's not. You're not looking to figure your partner out, right? You're simply creating the space where he or she can share with what's going on. Most of the time we're not looking for advice, we're simply looking to be hurt.

My favorite question is how can I support support you? What's going on for you? And then here's how you can support me if you're willing.

[TOM ]: And I think we get confused because many times our partners needs are not the same as ours. So that's why it can be maybe easy to dismiss them. Well, if we truly love our special someone, then I want to know what Stacy needs because we always say I want to get back to the good stuff as fast as possible. That's really the whole point here is let's get through the the mess so we can get back to the good stuff as quickly as possible. If there's anything we maybe do differently than anybody somebody else, we're human, just like is, we're good at cleaning up the messes pretty darn quickly. I want to get back to the good stuff quickly and efficiently. And we've done it thousands and thousands and thousands of times. And we'll continue to do it thousands and thousands and thousands of times.

And here's the kicker. If I feel like my emotional needs are met like that of support, that we're on the same team, that we're in this together, we can be going through a very challenging time. And I'm not going to want to leave the relationship. I only want to leave the relationship when I feel like my emotional needs are not being met. Because if my emotional needs are being met, we're going to make it through the kids and the financial challenges and the work issues and the household tasks. We're going to find a way. Because if my emotional needs are met as a human being, I want to stick around. I really want to stick around. So I think we overstep this very simple principle very, very often and we don't give it the time and attention that it deserves. The emotional needs and the meeting of those, the continuous dialogue about meeting them and how I might get better is truly where the goal is old is well.

[TOM ]: And it's important because they're always going to be changing, too. That's why this is a very long play. Right. I mean, come on. We're navigating times that none of us have ever lived through in every facet of our life. So the stakes are going to get higher. I don't know what's going to change in the future, but what I know for sure is we're going to get really good at this because of the magnitude and the pace of what's coming at us in other places.

And here's the final thought on this, is if you allow your partner to really teach you how to love them best, like really how to meet their emotional needs. There's two parts to this. I've got to do that digging with inside of myself to be able to teach you that. And very few of us are willing to do that. That's an important, worthy goal. And then being open and ready for my partner to teach me that without thinking I know better. I know what they need, or dismissing what it is they say they need because it's not something I need. Be mindful of those things literally. It's at this moment I can show up and love them in a way that they truly desire, even though it might not be my way. It's not about me if I trying to meet my partner's needs. It's about them feeling like they have what they need and it's going to be different than what you need. These conversations don't happen all that often. Out of that hundred, I would bet 1 1% of all couples have the conversations about truly meeting our needs. We think we're talking about meeting my needs by my criticism, my belittling, my shutting down, banging on YouTube. You never talk to me anymore. You never bring me flowers anymore. You never take me out on a date anymore. That's not what we're talking about. I'm saying if you could say these words and hold me like this, that would a world of difference for me.

[TOM ]: Well, I can say it's one of the top things we hear when people are having trouble, that their needs are not getting met. So we know that we're. It's not happening a lot because a majority of people that come and work with us, that's one of the main reasons why. Because they want to learn how to overcome this challenge. It's happening all the time.

Yeah. And we spend a lot of time in our Sessions helping couples get very specific about what that emotional need is. And the conversation always starts out as a blank stare because we don't think about finding those things out for ourselves. What is it really that you would want to hear or experience physically, mentally, emotionally that would make all the difference and help you exhale? And then what are the words I need to use to teach my partner about those things? And then we need to literally practice. It's amazing when we do this in session where we'll start to work with it and. And one person in the relationship will express what it is they specifically need, and then the other partner will go. Go to simply say it back. And they can't. It's like this brain fog that sets in, and all of a sudden they can't remember what to say or what to do. And guys, this is simple things like, I just want you to reassure me that you'll listen to me, or I just want you to bend over and give me a kiss or a hug. And it's like all of a sudden, there's this part of our brain that starts to spin out of control and they. And we have a blackout until we can settle in. Okay, don't try and dress it up. Just give it back exactly as you heard it it. And as simple as that sounds, emotionally, we travel places, right? Because it's just so new and different. So learning how to meet emotional needs is huge. And it's a big mistake that we make because we don't realize how important and valuable it is. And when clients walk out of my office and those emotional needs have finally been met, I just want to point out the circumstances of her life didn't change, but boy, do they feel better about things right now in that moment. Moment. So it's really powerful stuff that we totally negate. And just like we've already said today in this episode, more on these topics that we've talked about. Overcoming these mistakes is absolutely found and shared inside of the Better Love Club. And we have a whole pillar dedicated to emotional weightlifting, for example, and a whole pillar dedicated to communication and several ways for you to learn how to teach your partner how to love you best. So you can join today by going to thebetterloveclub.com and I think, as we've highlighted already, but I think it deserves an exclamation point. Please don't wait. If you're struggling and you're finding that you're relating and resonating with many of the mistakes that we've talked about or even one of the mistakes that we've talked about in today's episode, then please check it out sooner rather than later. Don't sit on it because the reality is we don't end relationships because there's not potential and things that are possible going forward into our future, we end them because we simply run out of emotional gas to work on it. We sit and wait until they're. We're just completely exhausted. Exhausted. Okay, guys, I think now it's time for a little bit of fun. Follow the fun moment. I'm titling. Reassure me with the little things. I thought that would be a natural lead in too, because the last thing we just talked about was meeting your partner.

[TOM ]: We always do follow the fun because we want to remind you always that you can, wherever you're navigating, you can always put that on the shelf, so to speak, and have some some fun. Because novelty and play, if you listen to us, is very important. And usually the first link gets thrown right out the window.

Yep, it's true.

[TOM ]: Don't let that happen.

So here's the thing. As human beings, we all need reassurance. As mighty and confident and self assured as we feel like we are, we all have moments as a human being where our armpits get a little sweaty and our knees feel like they're buckling. And words and deeds, when done in a thoughtful manner, validate the fact and remind me that you love me, that I matter, that I count, and that you thought of me today is a huge demonstration that reminds me minds as. Oh my gosh, you know you thought of me today. I do. I must matter. You. You really do love me. It is this need for reassurance that often creates upsets when you forget the little things that matter to your partner. This is why they get plugged in and then they start needing it more because they're looking for some demonstration or some piece of reassurance that they're thought of, that they count and that they matter to you and that this relationship that you're in matters to you. So when we ignore something our partners consider important, they absolutely are going to feel ignored and dismiss and this is going to spike their fears and insecurities. So today I want to bring your focus on awareness to a little thing, right? A little thing that you can actually think about that would bring your partner some sense of assurance because you thought about them. What are you aware of right now that you could surprise your person with that would assure them that you thought of them and that they matter to you? Is it Flowers for no reason? Is it baking their favorite batch of color cookies? Is it finally picking up and surprising them with those tickets to that concert that they've been talking about endlessly for weeks? Is it a dinner that's made the house being cleaned or the settling of the children so that you whisk them away in a night out or an evening? Maybe that night out is directly to your bedroom or some kind of a private space. Whatever it is that will make them realize that they're thought of and that you love them and that they matter. I promise if you'll do those little things, it will go a long, long way to giving them the reassurance and the valid that they're longing for. And here's the thing I know about being a human being. We all need more moments like that and we just don't know how to ask for them. So when they just happen, because I'm bringing this awareness to you today, take action on this. Don't let it just slip by. Is yet another great idea that you don't take action on. Especially if you're struggling in your relationship. Because I promise it will absolutely reassure them that they are thought of and valued and who doesn't want more more of that?

[TOM ]: Amen. So what are we feeling so today. Yes, I know what we're feeling because I watched this days me happy. Watch it before we're doing this recording.

Tell us who it is.

[TOM ]: Oh man.

What's the name of the song?

[TOM ]: Happy people. Oh you Please. I respectfully and lovingly request you to watch this because it's really. I wasn't aware of these awesome musicians and not the setting of it is just. It's just very simple. It's on somebody's front yard. That's all I'll tell you. But man, I would like to be walking down our neighborhood and see this happen on somebody front yard.

Yes. The song comes from Teddy Swims and Jack Ross. Title of the song is called Happy People and the song says I wish I could be like happy people But I'm suffering inside and losing my mind these smiles and happy people Remind me of you Time after time I've made my mistakes Overcoming bad memories I just want to be happy I just want to be like happy people. So it's such a light hearted feelgood song. These musicians are incredible and I think it's. It's just a perfect song to help us feel what it is we're imparting today for you. So go check it out. You can do that by going to our website or checking it out on Spotify. We have a Love Shack playlist on Spotify that you can search up. Love Shack Live Playlist so that's it guys. Five Common Relationship Mistakes and How to Avoid Them Remember, no relationship is perfect. We all make mistakes, that's for sure. But with these tips, you can navigate your relationship journey more smoothly. And if you found this video and this podcast episode helpful, don't forget to like, share and subscribe for more insightful relationship advice just like this. So until next time, keep loving and learning. We do that right here inside the Love Shack. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Sam.