#134: Navigating Relationship Struggles: Your Burning Relationship Questions Answered

That's why letting go is a process like brushing your teeth or folding your clothes or doing the laundry. And sometimes I think what we think is that if it comes up again, I haven't resolved it yet. That's not true. Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack. Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 134, and today I have really good news for you. We are going to do a Q and A from you, our followers today. We're going to be delving into the most popular questions and concerns surrounding relationship struggles and most importantly, how to navigate them. This is the transformative podcast that explores the intricate dynamics of love and relationships. And I'm your host, Stacy Bartley, and I'm thrilled to have you join us for an enlightening episode of self discovery and relationship empowerment, along along with my co host and lover, Tom, and our wonderful, often behind the scenes girl, Brooke Brown. So welcome. It is great to have you with us. So here's the thing. We understand that relationships can be both a source of immense joy and journeys of challenges. Our mission is to provide you with the guidance, wisdom and practical tools that you need to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of love with confidence and clarity. So today in this episode, we're diving deep into the very questions that have resonated with you, the listener, the viewer, the follower. From communication breakdowns to trust issues, we're going to explore the common obstacles that contest even the strongest of partnerships. Whether you're currently facing rocky times in your relationship, feeling on the verge of giving up, or simply looking to deepen the connection with your partner, you've come to the right place. It's time to rewrite the script of your love life and uncover the boundless possibilities that lie ahead. So prepare yourself with an episode that's brimming with insightful revelations and transformative strategies and those aha. Moments that we all long for. This is going to give you the power to revolutionize your approach to relationships. So we're going to embark on this journey together. And here's the really fun part. Tom and I don't have any idea what the questions are going to be because Brookie Brown, the girl behind the scenes, has curated and pulled these things from our followers from all social media platforms as well as clients that engage with us on a day by day private Basis social media. So let's go, shall we? Let's jump in. Brookie Brown, what's your first question?

Number one is, how do you deal with a partner who defaults to defensiveness in the form of mocking or insulting?

That's hard. And the reason why that's hard is because the first thing you're going to do is get defensive yourself, which the best thing I could do is say, you know what, what you're saying is hurting my feelings. You're mocking me. I feel like you're getting defensive. Is there anything that you need to hear from me to calm down so that we can have a conversation? If not, okay, go ahead, be defensive. But you know, I'm not going to stick around for you to criticize me, belittle me, or mock me. So I'm going to tap out, I'm going to pause, and when you get clear about what it is you want to say and go ahead and come and get me, because I do really want to hear what you have to say, but not at my expense. That is a no fly zone, and nobody needs to set themselves up for that. There's anything I'm really passionate about in my private work or online work with couples is that nobody gets to put somebody in a corner and then just expect me to join them and ganging up on them like, that's a no fly zone. And that's never going to take us in the direction that we need to go anyway. So you can say, sorry, you're having a difficult day, but you don't get to take this out on me. We're done. Now. Why don't you come get me when you have something that you want to share with me? Helps us move the needle forward in the direction we want to go, which.

Is very atypical because typically we try to match that defensiveness with our defensiveness.

Right.

So we're going to. As if that's going to help us.

Back to my analogy, it's kind of like everybody's going, right. You're going to go left because you know where turning right takes you. It always is going to take you to an escalated fight. You get defensive because they're defensive, mocking you and belittling you and criticizing you. We all know where that's going to take us, right? Yes, you deserve to stick up for yourself, but stick up for yourself in a way that shuts it down, not escalates it. Don't add fuel to the fire, so to speak. Take your power to create and go in a different direction. And shut it down by saying, you can do this. I'm not participating. Come get me when you're clear about what it is you have to say.

Question 2. A question that many of our followers and every human on the planet probably is wondering. We talk a lot about letting go of the past. So we just had a question posted today, really, that said, but how do I let go? How do I really let go? Because we talked in our last episode. We love to hold onto these things to remind us of the pain. So how can we really stop letting those things hold us back?

There's two parts to letting go. And I want you to think about letting go as a practice. Just like exhaling, there's an inhale and an exhale for us as a human being. And I think that's the greatest association that I have to letting go and is that we're navigating life and it's coming at us fast and furious. And we accumulate a lot of things that are working for us and a lot of things, quite frankly, that don't work for us. And then there's these things that happen that we don't know what to do with. And our inclination, like we've talked about in the previous podcast, of how we start hanging on to things is that the illusionary belief is that hanging onto these things are going to prevent us from feeling pain in the future. Without realizing that hanging onto things just causes me to feel more pain in the moment instead. And so. So that's a great question. How do we let go? That's a practice. I have to recognize and realize where I end and my person begins and that what I need to focus on is doing my part in knowing that I'm showing up congruent in the relationship. Let me give you an example. I have to be able to ask for what I want, advocate for what I need, or address anything that might be coming up in my relationship that's not working for me. And when I can't do that, and I'm asking to be able to do that, and maybe my partner is upset, they're throwing a fit that they're not wanting to engage, they're not wanting to keep their agreements, they're not wanting to participate or contribute because they're going through some emotional difficult things themselves in the letting go process. I've got to recognize and realize that that doesn't have anything to do with me and a wrestle that they're having. And so I've got to let that go. I've got to be able to just say this doesn't have anything to do with me. I'm going to do my part to feel better about what I am doing and I'm going to just trust that they're going to work this out and I'm going to ask them, can I support you? Can I help you in this? Otherwise I've got to let it go. Let's say there's things in the past too that have happened. Let's say that somebody's hurt your feelings, said some really messed up things, or maybe broken trust in a myriad of ways. Whether that's spending money, gambling, drinking, addiction, booze, or actually an affair. These are the things that tend to get us bogged down that we can't let go of. And here's the thing, we need to understand what you can do and what you can't do. So just as I had said, you can advocate, you can let it know, you can express it, you can work on it. And sometimes your partner is not in a place where you can do that with him or her. And they'll say, I can't talk about this right now, want to do this right now, I can't go there right now. And you'll start to see the defensiveness come up in some of these bigger places where really you're going to go there. That just means I don't want to address it and I don't want to talk. So then these are things in the letting go process that you've got to learn to digest down and get support and help with on your own so that you can start to see, okay, wait, they're just dealing with their own feelings of guilt and shame or addiction or broken trust or broken agreements or their unwill unwillingness to get going themselves. This doesn't have anything to do with me. I'm going to do what I need to do for me. And I'm going to have to encourage them to at some point in time re engage in. The relationship is going to continue. But in the end I've got to be able to navigate and let go of it myself. It's, I guess at the end, as we summarize it, it's a process that's ongoing. You don't just let it go once and be done with it. These things are going to come up and they're going to be triggered by your environment, by a song, by an event, by some kind of an external trigger. And in those moments you're going to have to say, I've dealt with that. I've done what I can do with this, I need to let it go. And sometime, for me personally, even when these triggers come up, I have to pull over and just take a minute and breathe or cry or. And it could be triggered by a myriad of things. And we all have them as human beings. We all have things that trigger us from our past. We have to ask ourselves, is this happening now, or is this something I'm remembering from my past? That's part of letting go. That's why letting go is a process, like brushing your teeth or folding your clothes or doing the laundry. And sometimes I think what we think is that if it comes up again, I haven't resolved it yet. That's not true. You resolved it yesterday, last week, last month, even sometimes in the last hour. And now I need to resolve it again, knowing that I've done all I can do in this moment to let it go, and then I let it go again.

What would you say? Because what's coming up for me, and I think this is fair for others, is if we do let it go, then we're giving permission to that egregious behavior or that you know, that what?

No, you're letting it go because there's nothing more you can do with it. You've done all you can do.

You find in working with people one on one, that's absolutely keeps them from allowing themselves part of the illusion.

It's part of not understanding where I end and you begin. Because if there's nothing more you can do with it in this moment and you've done what you can do, then your job is to feel good about who you are, how you're showing up, and how you're navigating through it. That's your job. And so if there's nothing more that you can do with it, then you're going to find yourself at this impasse where there's nothing more I can affect change in doing what I'm doing. So is what you're doing helping you show up better in the relationship or showing up in a way that you feel good about showing up in? Otherwise, what's going to happen is it's going turn you into a monster. You're going to start then getting defensive. You're going to start saying and doing things that feel really crappy to you. And that's a great way to just escalate the pain for yourself, really. You're still not amassing any kind of change. And if anything, you're going to spark escalation on the other side with your partner in this co creation called a relationship. So I've got to do some things that keep me in a good spot, that keep me in a place where I recognize and realize what I can affect change with and what I can't affect change with. And if I can't affect change, if this doesn't belong to me, if I've done what I know I can do, but I need to let go of it and be done. And that's a process. Letting go is something that you do consistently. It's not a one and done. So these triggers can be difficult to deal with and I want you to be able to identify them as a trigger and to be able to identify also, is this happening now or is this creating a memory from my past? And have I done what I needed to do with the past? Then I just need to let it go? I just need. Or is this signaling me to say something, to advocate for something, to. To elicit support? One of my favorite things to do is very counterintuitive when I notice that there are some things coming up that are a trigger from our past, for example, or any of my past to challenge myself to just say, what can I do to support you? Because I noticed that this is a firing off method for me, which tells me that you're struggling because you're acting out. So rather than me start to act out because you're acting out, which is just going to escalate a fight and create a problem, I'm going to say, how can we get to resolution really quick? And my quickest path that I have found to resolution with a partner is what do you need? Is there anything that I can do to support you in showing up better? Because the way you're showing up is impacting me. Instead of me trying to shut it down by saying, you don't get to say that. You can't go there. What you're doing, you're being a real big dick or a hole. That's typically how we handle that. So it's a very intuitive thing. You know, the images coming up in my mind right now is like driving and everybody's going right and you choose to go left. It's like that because I see and recognize that you're struggling and you're taking it out on me. So rather than attack that, how can I help you feel better right now so that we don't continue, continue to escalate this? Let me support you in showing up better. If there's something I have in the gas tank to do that, then maybe this can avoid an escalation. Because I know the minute I start adding to it and I start getting defensive and I start showing up and escalating, I know where that's going to take us. And that's what I'm trying to avoid by attempting to shut it down. Does that make sense? And that, again, is part of the letting go process.

This is a long term play here. We need to do a number of rounds. Most of us, yes, as wonderful may be to just say we're going to let it go, that's not at all what we're saying here. This is a process. But at the end of the day, like Stacy, something important. Is this leading you? If you're choosing to not be able let it go, is it leading you to be able to feel better? Because remember, you show up as good as we feel.

Well. And I know the minute personally that I start saying and doing some things that are not okay inside of myself, man, that was harsh. Or gee, we're kind of an a hole. Or my gosh, did you have to be so sharp, you know, shut it down. Then I start to feel really crappy about myself. This is how we start to turn into monsters of ourselves. That's just going to spiral my own fear and insecurity inside of myself because now I'm really reeling and I'm really like spinning out of control and it's on my own volition because I've just allowed myself because of what you've done to say and do some things I don't feel good about.

Well, it's going to require everyone to grow. You have to raise your game because what got you into this situation, to be fair, is not going to get you out. That's a classic definition of insanity. So we're going to have to raise our game and be able to turn, face this situation and learn from it and grow from it. To be able to let go and be become stronger from it that that is possible.

And I just need to interject this here. Obsessive thinking about what has happened does nothing but just spike your own internal pain. The minute we start obsessing on something instead of doing something about it or letting it go, those are my two options. I can address it with you. I can say something, I can ask for something that I need. I can ask for assurance, support. I can affirm what I know to be true inside of myself because maybe I know some things that I did or didn't do and you're trying to convince me otherwise. And I go, that's just not the case. Sorry, I'm going to on that. And then I'm going to let it go because I know that I'm on solid ground there inside of myself. But the minute I start obsessing about trying to figure out something or control something that's outside of my own experience is the minute that I'm going to start spiking my own internal emotional pain. And it's really important for you to know that. So guess what I got to do. I got to let it go. Because this is something I can't affect control of or change within. And I've done what I can do as far as affecting change or control within myself. So then I got to practice letting it go. And that might be that day, our weekly monthly process we just talked about. Because there's going to be things that are going to spike. Oh, this still isn't resolved. Okay, I'll let it go. I've done what I can do. That's why it's a practice number three.

Is it too late to save my relationship? We're getting help now, but my partner wants a separation.

Saving your relationship is always possible until one of the parties doesn't want to co create with us anymore. And that's where it's too late. If somebody doesn't want to show up, put in, contribute, participate in a relationship, there's not much that we can do to convince them of that. We can certainly ask for their participation. But it's going to be important for you to recognize again where you're doing your part and they're not willing to co create with you anymore. There's an illusionary quality to where we think we can do the work for both of us. And no, you can't. You can only do your part and encourage them to show up and do theirs. But when somebody says I'm done, even though we might be doing all the right things and we might be going through a tremendous amount of change because of the work that we're doing, but they don't want to do it with me, right? That ship has sailed, so to speak. They've run out of emotional gas is what we call it in our body of work, then it's best for us to let go. As hard as that is, the last thing I want to set you up for is you doing all the emotional work to get them to stay. Because if that's the case, you're going to have to do that emotional work for the rest of the experience. And that's going to wear you out and it's not going to go well anyway. It's like trying to carry somebody who doesn't want to be involved in the process. That's not going to go well. That's not going to bode well for you. It's going to break you down. And it's not going to be a place where they're going to be able to do their part or what's required or needed in order to create a better experience for the both of you.

Question four. I feel like all I do is talk and ask my partner to meet my needs, but he never changes.

I love this question. Because if all you're doing is doing all the talking, then there's a whole nother piece of the co creation that's being missed. That's the sharing of your partner on the other side. And there's no level or amount or volume of talking that's going to get them to engage with you in a conversation. And it's not just about meeting your needs. Remember in a co creation it's about meeting their needs needs as well. And obviously you're thinking that if you have your needs met that you're going to be happy and everything is going to be okay. And I get that. That's a very human perspective to come from. But that's not how co creation works. Co creation works because everybody's needs are being met. And so the more you belabor the part that you're not getting your needs met, the more shut down your partner is coming. And until you get them to speak, you're probably not going to be able to co create with them at all. So here's the tough part, the challenging part. Because that illusion that if I get my needs met, everything is going to be okay. You're have to set it aside, you're going to have to set it down and you're going to have to focus on meeting the needs and getting your partner to create something with you first. They're going to have to feel like they're a part of this relationship, that they matter in this relationship and that they too can have a voice because otherwise they're going to continue to shut down, you're going to continue to beat them up for not getting their needs met and the whole thing is going to dissolve. It is, it's going to break down. I know that's the bearer of bad news, but it's important for you to understand how it is that relationships work. And you cannot beg and plead somebody to meet your needs enough and get them to show up so that you can co create and create a better experience for the two of you. Not for the one of you, but for the two of you. If somebody is not willing to participate, and they usually don't participate because they don't feel like there's a safe space for them to show up in.

Also I feel like sometimes when we are telling our partner that what our needs are, we're not actually doing that. We're not actually saying this is what my needs are. We're saying you're not doing this, you're beating on them.

Instead you're criticizing them, beating them up, you know, in an effort to try and get what it is you want. That's a good point, Brooke, because very few of us are good about asking for what it is we truly want in our relationships in a way that works well.

And I think there's a very thin line. Like Brooke just shared advocating. Yes, but then we're advocating and we step over into blaming and shaming. So like you don't do that. Advocating is advocating and then allow your partner, him or her to understand what it is you're truly asking for and making sure they, they do understand. If they don't, then they need to ask questions.

I'm thinking of a handful of couples right now where literally they'll come in for a session and one of the partners will do all the talking for the session. And I literally have to say, OK, great, I love that you understand so much about yourself and what's going on here. But let's give your partner a chance to talk. Don't diagnose them, don't label them, don't tell them what's wrong with them. Don't continue to beat them up for what it is they're not doing because that's not going to get them to show up in a way that you can co create with them. It's going to have to be a manner of help me understand how you feel about this. What would you say about this? Is your perspective the same as mine around this? You're inviting them into the conversation.

Realize when we advocate, then yes, we need to allow our partner, him or her to say no. They, they understand them. And then now here's an important part that we can't forget is they may not be willing or want to meet you there, but then we need to say, okay, then what is it that you would be willing to meet? So this is a negotiation here, okay? They may not be getting met your needs because you haven't given them the opportunity to respond back and say where they might be able to meet you instead. That's part of it and an important part that always gets left out.

We think we. We think if we bang on them more, then we're going to finally get what it is we want. And that's not how it works.

When in your life have you ever wanted to better? When someone just continually tells you what's wrong with you. When have you been like, okay, I'm gonna step up to the plate and fix all of these things that you are saying are wrong with me over and over and over again. That's just not a good way to approach that. It doesn't make you feel loving towards the person that is telling you what a shit person you are. It makes you resent them. So, yes, there are some needs that might not be getting met, but you have to ask yourself, are you showing up in a loving way when you're asking for them to be met? Because I bet you a lot of you aren't.

I was just gonna say in the con, is your head. In your head is, I'll love them when they can love me. That's it. You're not going to get very far with that because you're going to continue to degrade the relationship.

I think it's very classic. It's interesting. All of us humans, we hear certain parts of kind of the total solution. And so just. And especially here, because we come at a place, I think a very practical. But it does require us to grow and expand and look at things perhaps differently than what we hear out there or what's been modeled to us. And you've got to give that person the ability to respond back and say, no, I'm not able to do that. Then what would you be willing to do? And then you have to have the permission and safety to explore that rather than just cut it off and say, obviously you don't love me that well, wait a minute. You asked me if I could meet you there, and I'm saying no. What else could you do instead?

There's so much advice out there right now that says if you're not getting your needs met, then you need to end the relationship because it's not the relationship for you. But that's such a surface level analysis of the situation, you're not thinking of the nuances. Number one, how are you asking for your needs to be met? Number two, is it happening like in a fight? Are you yelling at each other? Because that's Not a good environment to solve these issues during. And number three, I think we just don't think we're angry because our needs are not being met, which is a normal reaction. We're not saying that's not normal. That's a frustrating experience for your needs to not be met. But you can't then take that anger and that's how you expect your needs to be met because that's not a healthy relationship dynamic.

Let me ask so you know, babe, when you're working with people and you get them to understand this back and forth that we're all just talking about, ultimately, you always like to say ultimately, if everybody stays in their lane and continues that open and communication to understand, typically there can be a solution, right?

There always is.

Okay, there's a solution here that's important.

If we think about it as you're two different people coming at things from two different perspectives and vantage points. And instead of you thinking that one of you is right and wrong, what if you flipped it on its head and said, everybody has a contribution in here and my job is to understand your contribution and your job is to understand mine. So now we're pursuing something in our communication that's entirely altogether different than can you meet my needs or not meet my needs. Here's the truth. You're not going to discover that unless you can understand where everybody's at and what the needs are in the first dang place. What we fight about is you meeting my needs and me meeting yours. Instead of understanding more nuanced aspects of those needs and how to get them met, which ironically is going to fall back on your shoulders again anyway. Because how they need to be met is something that you need to to discover and understand for yourself. And you spending more time with me or loving me or us having more sex, which is what we typically highlight, you know, better communication. Don't say those things that drive me crazy. Change your tone of voice. When are you going to start doing it my way is what we're really saying. And I'm not going to ever be able to be successful in doing it your way because it's not my way. You don't even understand my way. And if you don't understand my way, then you don't understand me and I don't want to co create with you anyway. So we shut down and we're basically faces off. Does that make sense? I hope, I hope that that's really clear in regards to how that plays out.

And I would just add one other caveat. Not to be the bearer of noon. Guess what? Those needs and wants are always going to be changing too. That's why it's a constant. You don't just name them. When you come together with your special someone. Now you check it off and we're good. No, that's going to change. Maybe next week.

Well, and when you think about relationships like a co creation, you can think about the needs of each person as like a more of a team activity. It's not you meeting my needs and me meeting yours. That is what it is. But if you can have some understanding and the want for your partner to succeed in doing these things, then the whole process we're talking about, the conversation, the teaching, the negotiating can be a nice activity that brings you closer rather than feeling like you're at war with each other and like you're giving something up in the negotiating part. It doesn't have to be like that. It can be a situation where people can make mistakes, mistakes. And because newsflash, there are going to be mistakes and it can go wrong. But then you can laugh about it. It can be a really flexible dance. It doesn't have to be this, oh, you failed of meeting that need. So we need to sit down and have a talk about it. That's not what we want it to.

Be like for you.

You want this to be a very nice, peaceful, like it should build your relationship up, not tear it down.

And there are really simple places in the process that break this down. The first is. I don't know what. Just expecting you to know because you love me. That's number one. I don't even know what my own needs are, but I get frustrated when you're not making me feel better. So make me feel better, damn it. Number one. Number two is I have a really difficult time setting my own needs aside for a moment and focusing on what it is you need that's going to be completely different than mine. And I'm not going to relate to it. I'm not going to get it, I'm not going to understand it. So I'm not open in my own defensiveness and in my own pursuit of getting my own needs met to allow you to teach me what it is you need. And so there's that other side of it. I don't want to hear what you have to say. I don't want to hear what you, what you need because damn it, you're not meeting my needs. And so there's a, There's. This takes me back to my favorite Leo Pascalia quote most of us are strangers to ourselves, asking other people who are strangers to themselves to love us, and all it turns into is a fight because we don't understand those very simple, not easy, but simple principles of oh, you see, there's my needs and do I understand what these are? And can I ask and advocate for those needs? Can I get specific with those needs? And then the other side of it is, can I set those down and long enough to understand that the person that I'm probably in a relationship with and say I love and adore has completely different needs that I don't relate to, that I don't understand? And can I stop trying to enroll them in what it is I need long enough to allow them to teach me what it is they need? Because until I can do that, nobody's needs are going to get met. We're just going to fight.

And if you need help, please reach out to us. We'll be happy to help you.

The better love club.com last? All right, we'll have another one of these episodes too, so if you have questions, you can submit them on any of our social media or email us at. Love Stacy bartley.com Last question. How can I stop thinking that my partner is trying to hurt me? And an example is by always thinking like, oh, they're doing this because they don't really care about me. How can I get out of that mindset?

The first piece is, number one, realize where the emotional pushup is that you're, you're really dealing with your own fears and insecurities and not necessarily anything that your partner is doing or not doing. Your partner, conversely, is probably not even aware of what it is they're doing. That's firing off your emotional anxiety or fears or insecurities in the relationship and so you being able to take an assessment of yourself and recognize where I end and you begin. Maybe it's better for you to meet those insecurities and how you can do that is by advocating for what it is you think you need as assurance and being bold about it. Hey, you know what I'd love to hear from you is for you to tell me that you love me or that I'm beautiful. What would really make the world of difference for me right now is if we could spend some time together because I really miss you. Gosh, you know what I'm really struggling with is when you look at this beautiful woman or this handsome person, gosh, I really start to go crazy places inside of myself. I need to work on that. And would you just be willing to reassure me that you find me beautiful and attractive too? Those are things that you want to be able to become aware of and specific with so that you can work with doing those own emotional pushups with inside of yourself. Instead of attacking your person for looking at somebody who's handsome or beautiful, or not knowing that you need to spend some time with them to feel better, or you need some reassurance that they're thinking of you during the day, or love you or that you matter to them, just ask them. That's such a much simpler path to getting what it is you need, because otherwise your insecurities are going to criticize them and blame them for something that they truly can't solve for you. They're just going to think they can't get it right, can't do it it right. They're always going to feel like they're getting banged up on because you're not taking responsibility for your own internal emotional experience that they they can't get a pulse on, they can't plug into. They don't understand, they don't get it. They just know that there's a lot of things that they are not doing that you continue to bang on them for.

Because Is it normal to need reassurance in your relationship?

We all need reassurance in our relationship. Every single person on the planet needs reassuring assurance. Pick a person in the world and that comes to your mind that you see or view as confident, assured, knocking it out of the park and in whatever arena we're talking about, whether that's health and fitness or business, financial, etc. And I promise you that if you look at their more intimate lives, you're going to find a place where they're insecure, they struggle, they don't have it together. We have many clients who are highly successful in the world at large. And when you start to get a peek behind the curtain, yes, they're really good doctors, surgeons, lawyers, entrepreneurs. And they struggle too, just like the rest of us. They just have these places where they can show up and become exceptionally masterful. And to be very clear and candid and disclosed with you, I have fears and insecurities with inside of myself that I wrestle with. This handsome man I'm sitting to has fears and insecurities that he wrestles with. Regardless of how you see us appear here in this video or on this podcast, being confident, confident and clear about relationships and skills, et cetera, because that's what we do. But remember, it's always A human experience first. And every single human being, regardless of what they do or how they show up in the world on the exterior, has a fear and insecurity with inside of themselves that they're wrestling with. And that will be forever and always. And you know what the irony is? Sometimes the more successful I am on the exterior, the more I struggle, struggle on the interior of things. Like, you would be shocked and amazed at what they struggle with. You really would. Because ofttimes what I struggle with perpetuates my need to do more in the exterior. And without that, we wouldn't be able to do more in the exterior. And now we're talking about something we probably should stop talking about. We talk about it inside the Better Love Club. It's a little thing called contrast or polarity, where that's the world we live in.

And I think there's some real grace that we can extend to all of us. Look, as Stacy loves to remind us we're human first and then add whatever you want. The tit credentials and your money account. Yeah, but if you're human first, then we're far more similar how we're wired than different. We are. That's good news. Okay. It's good news.

The reason why I wanted to include this question in this episode is because I know that when I've needed reassurance in my relationship, sometimes I feel bad about it. And I. It feels like, oh, I'm weak, or I'm letting my anxiety win, or all of these things that we think about ourselves. And I just want to remind everyone listening that, first of all, it's a normal, normal need to need your partner to tell you that you matter and that they love you and that you're the most important person. All of those things are very normal to want to hear. And if you need reassurance more than. More than other people because you're an anxious person, that's okay. You just need to build that into your emotional needs. And you need to make it known to your partner when you are feeling like you need some reassurance.

Yeah. Again, I'm gonna use this, but I think it's very appropriate. Is that would be like saying in the investment world that appreciate appreciation isn't. Doesn't matter. Well, that's like the only thing that matters. Have you ever said, oh, you appreciated me too much? You don't need to do that today? I've never experienced that, and I've never said anyone that ever said that. If I'm appreciating them like, oh, you don't need it. I'm good today, thanks. Full. The heck it is. Keep. Just that.

That's fair.

Spread that fairy dust, man. You just lather it. Just share it like you're like the fairy dust godmother or godfather, really. I mean, and try it out. And guess what? People are gonna love to be around you. Why? Because you make them feel better.

Better.

That's why you remind them who they are. That's a beautiful thing. It really is.

We. We all need it. Long story short, we all need reassurance because we're all going to have days where we doubt ourselves, we feel insecure, we're struggling, our knees start to buckle a bit. And it's going to happen in your relationship as well, right? There are going to be days where I think, gosh, do you remember why you love me? Or do I remember why I love you? It's going to go both ways. So you're. And that's. The other thing is if your knees are buckling, that's. That's okay. Your partners are probably buckling, too, and that's okay. It doesn't mean it's over. It just means today I need some reassurance. And instead of getting the reassurance that we need, we end up fighting instead. And I just want you to see those two directions. And we're going to encourage you to go in the. Just go get. Ask for what it is you need. Can I just ask for it? Yeah, you sure can. Hey, I just need a hug. Today, I just need you to reassure me that we're okay and you love me and that you still want to be here. I just want to be reassured. You want to spend time with me, that I'm still your person. Those are questions that we all feel. Feel is a human being, every single one of us, regardless of what our credentials is or how big our bank accounts are. And, gosh, here's the thing I want to say as we wrap up this episode, if you're struggling, don't wait. Because we wait too long when it comes to being able to understand some of the skills and tools that are necessary and quite frankly, required for improving the trajectory of my relationship in this moment. And so, just like you wouldn't wait if you knew you had an infection in your body, you wouldn't wait to treat it, you would do it asap. Because the longer that you wait, the more egregious it's going to become and the longer the path to recovery is. And that is no different than your relationship. It's just an emotional journey instead of a physical journey. But all the same principles apply. So if you find yourself in a place where you know you have an infection, you know there's some things that you're struggling with, then get help sooner than later. Because if you don't, it just continues to traditionally increase and get progressive. So reach out. We invite each of you to check us out. Learn about the Better Love Club. We have lots of ways that you can work with us and you can go to our website and just explore the work with this page and you can see all kinds of information that is available for you there, including free resources to help you do what it is you need to do now to affect the change and switch up that direction that maybe you're headed in. So don't miss that opportunity. We would love to be of support and help to you in whatever way we potentially can be. That's what we're here for. That's why we do this podcast.

So what's the fun?

Oh, it's called a 911 kiss.

A 911 kiss.

Yes. So here's the thing.

Oh, my.

In fact, I'm gonna have you do it to me. So I'm gonna kiss you not on the lips. You're gonna take my hand and you're gonna kiss my palm. And then you're gonna roll my fingers up and you're gonna say, save that in case of an emergency.

Save that in case of. Oh, I like that.

I know it sounds really corny, but even me knowing what was, wow, it just hit me right where it counts. Talk about assurance, right? Could you imagine us having a fight the night before? And as I'm walking out to go to work or I come home from the evening because we've all had some time to think about it, and all of a sudden you say, let me see your hand. And I open it up and you kiss the palm and you roll it up and say, say, oh, you just did it again.

Save that for in case of emergency.

We are in an emergency right now. And you know what I'm going to want to do after he does that? That kiss him. I'm going to want to kiss him right on the lips. So. Okay, give it a whirl.

911 kiss. Nice.

The more you feel resistant to doing it, the more you probably should. So the song selected for today's episode is. Isaac Danielson, if you ever forget to love me. And I just thought this was such a perfect fit because of what we've talked about all of these questions from you, our listener, highlight the fact that at some point in time, when you ask this question, your knees are buckling and you're needing a little bit of that reassurance because you're not quite sure where you're going in your relationship. And I just to want. Want you to know that's true for all of us. And this song by Isaac Danielson basically sums it up by saying, there may be a day when I'm not myself and you're tired of the fight with me because I'm not showing up as. And so I'm gonna write all the things that we've been through and all the things that we've created together. I'm gonna write it on the mirror, I'm gonna write it on the table. I'm gonna write it on the wall so that you won't forget that you love me. Because you may. And that's a risk we all have, right? We all have money. Moments where we go, I can't believe this. I can't believe you do that, say that, not show up for me here and there or not do those things. And so it's just a perfect song. And the video is so precious. It is so sweet how they've captured not only the lyrics to the song, but also the video of the song. So if you want to listen to this week's song along with our entire relationship playlist, you can do that by going to our website or you can search it up on Spotify Love Shack Live playlist. Take a listen. These songs are included in our episodes simply because we want to give you an emotional experience of it is we're talking about. So I think that's a wrap for this week's episode. It's been great to be here with you inside of the Love Shack. And if by chance you're in a place where you need help and support, please don't wait. Like we've already said, most couples simply wait too long and listen. If you have a question that you would like us to respond to, either here on this podcast episode or on our social media feeds, or simply by reaching out to us on our website, please do not hesitate to ask your questions. We are here again to support you in any way that we possibly can. And if by chance you've liked what we've shared with you today, we want to invite you to, like, comment and subscribe for a more transformative relationship experience. We look forward to seeing you again inside the Love Shack because that's a wrap. Bye bye for now.

Bye, everyone.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack.

But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on.

Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship with wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Sam.