#137: Stop Neglecting Your Love: Proven Strategies to Reconnect and Deepen Your Relationship

I need you to understand that if you don't find the time for a relationship, then you're not going to have one to worry about. And that's just the stark, hardcore reality that relationships take time.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the love shack.

Hey, welcome to the love shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations to discover the things that really matter most while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 137. Today we're going to be diving into making time for love. How to stop neglecting your relationship and reconnect. It's an important conversation today. And hey, I'm Stacy Bartley, your go to relationship expert. And along with my husband and lover Tom and my daughter Brooke Brown, an honor and a pleasure to be here with you today. And we're going to talk about a common issue that many couples face at at some point in time in their relationships, and that's the neglect of that relationship. Here's the deal. We often push our relationships to the back burner. And I think this happens because the emotional experience that we have in relationships is of a very invisible nature. Like when you neglect it, you don't see the evidence of that neglect, much like you would a dirty house, right? Some unbrushed teeth and hair, some dirty clothes, et cetera, neglecting the trash, any of the physical tasks that are day in and day out. When there's a neglect there, there's some physical evidence that stands by waiting to showcase the neglect that's happened slowly but surely day in and day out. And with our relationships, we don't have that same evidence trail about the neglect and the cost that we're actually creating by choosing to neglect it day in and day out. And usually this neglect isn't seen or experienced until we're in trouble.

Do we have a catalytic moment? Is what you like to say?

A catalytic moment which could be all of a sudden a fight where somebody has been hanging on to something for a very long time, they're out of emotional gas. And the words that are said are something along the lines of, I just can't do this anymore. And you go, what? Do what anymore? This anymore. What's this? Come on, explain yourself. And hence the evidence starts to reveal itself. We often do push our relationships with the people that matter most to us to the back burner, thinking that they're not as important as other aspects of our lives. But the truth is the breakdown of a relationship can have far and reaching effects on our lives and those around us. And it happens slowly but surely, just like other places of neglect happen that we see and showcase physically. One of the most common excuses that I hear, and quite frankly I've used in my own personal life and relationships in the past, is I don't have the time. That seems to be the common narrative of I can't fit it in. I got kids that have soccer practice and basketball practice and ballet and dance club and I've got my PTA and my work and my career and my clients.

We gotta cook dinner every night, Everything.

Yeah, we gotta cook dinner. I gotta do food prep, I gotta how clean the house. I've got these responsibilities with my, my bowling league, my church. The list goes on and on and on and on. And as the list goes on and on, we think that we have plenty of time to get to the relationship at some point in time. And I think the intentions are really good. But again, because of that trail of physical evidence, we don't realize the choice that we're really making until we start to experience it emotionally. And usually by then there's been a lot of breakdown. There's been a lot of breakdown that's collectively little by little over time created a huge deficit in our emotional connection and intimacy. So this idea of time, I want you to think right now, I want you to think right now about your checkbook or your bank account and your calendar and what are the things that are on there, because the things that are in those two places are the things that right now in your life you are prioritizing over anything else. And yet when that relationship breaks down and everybody is thinking that maybe we've come to the end of the road, that breakdown is going to affect every single area of your life. It is going to affect your bank account, it is going to affect your physical and mental health, it is going to affect your kids, it is going to affect your home, your family, your community. It is going to have far reaching ripple effects. And yet we continue to say I don't have the time. These other things are more important. I don't have the time. I need you to understand that if you don't find the time for a relationship, then you're not going to have one to worry about. And that's just the stark hardcore reality that relationships take time, they take consistent put in. And if we go back to looking at these emotional priorities that we are neglecting because of these things in our world that seem physical and demanding of our time, and attention. I want you to realize that if we continue to use the excuse of time, what's really happening is avoidance. This is avoidance, my friends. So let me ask you, what are you attempting to avoid making time because you don't want to look at the tasks or you don't want to rework your tasks, you don't want to let go of some of those athletic pursuits or some of those career endeavors or some of those community commitments that you have going on? Or maybe we need to scale back what the kids do, right? Because if we think we're doing this for the kids, but if the relationship blows up, what have we done for the kids, it's going to impact them. So maybe ballet class once a month instead of every week would be okay so that we can carve out some time for ourselves. I'm just pointing in areas that if time continues to be the excuse, then there's a level of avoidance there where I'm feeling like I'm going to let somebody down or I'm going to let myself down or I'm going to let my partner down, or what about fighting? I don't want to fight. I don't, I don't want to spend time together because we're going to have a fight. Or every time we spend time together, awkward feelings that come up around emotions, sex, money, parenting, and I could go on and on there, but the awkwardness really around these categories is what we're avoiding. And so we put off spending time together. Or maybe you have a narrative inside of your head that says, I've tried already, so why bother? I've tried to spend time, it's not gone well. So I'm done, I'm done. Well, okay, you're done. And that means you're done creating or co creating and feeding life into this relationship. If you're done, then you're gonna be done for real. For real. If that continues to be the narrative. Like this is the self fulfilling prophecy that we often realize we're not doing or fulfilling in that moment of choosing those kinds of things. And then the last avoidance thing that I see a lot is you have an untruth inside of yourself there, a secret about your actions, your words, your behavior. And you don't want it to get vetted out. You don't want to be held right responsible, you don't want to look at it, take responsibility for it. And these are the most common reasons that I find. We're avoiding spending the much needed time that we know we're supposed to spend Spend. Look, I know I'm not telling you anything different. I'm just telling you. Yeah, those fears that you have inside about not spending time in your relationship, they're real. And like I said, you don't want to find the time. Don't worry, you won't have to find the time anymore. It will come true. And you won't have to worry about this anymore if you continue that pursuit. I'm not saying that to be rude or harsh or mean. I'm telling you that we make choices and I just want to make you aware of what those choices are and the consequence of such choices. So what are you attempting to avoid? That's where the conversation needs to begin. And the other thing I'd like to highlight here is what's the hierarchy of relationships? Because like I've already mentioned, we can say, oh, but the focus needs to be on the kids. It's all about the kids. Raising good kids.

Or the. Or the job or the career.

Yes, or the job or the career. But let's talk about kids for a minute because this is one that we sometimes don't think about. What is the hierarchy of relationships when it comes to family, the parents or the kids? Where should the lion's share of focus and commitment be most times, especially right now in our culture and society? Is the focus is on the kids and parents? Yes. God love your souls. Bless your hearts. Tom and I are parents to eight. I get it. It's in making sure the kids are thriving. The kids have what they need, the kids are growing and flourishing and they get opportunities to explore their hobbies and be with their friends and all the myriad of things that. And places that. That could take us in. But if it's coming at the expense of the parents, then there's going to be a problem at the end of the heap that everybody is going to pay a price for. So in the hierarchy of parents versus children, the hierarchy is parents first. Because if the parents blow up, it's going to dramatically curtail what it is you can do and co create with your children. And it's important for your children to understand and know that, that the priority is us, mom and dad, being on the same page, or mom and mom, or dad and dad. It's important for us to be on the same page. It's important for us to be thriving because the better we feel as parents, the better parents we can be. The more challenging it gets between the two parents, the more difficult it is to parent. We just don't have gas in the tank emotionally to show up for the kids when they need us or help them navigate through challenging times that are inevitably going to come up. I'm too busy wrestling with my own emotional conflicts and challenges between myself and my partner. And so if I don't resolve those and I don't have a good working acumen here, it's going to impact the children and your ability to parent the children. Anyway, so I'm going to stop talking for a minute because I've just laid down some serious like, okay, let's get real about this. Let's really think about what we're choosing to do and how we're stacking the deck, because it's going to impact and catch up to the emotional neglect that's happening in your lives and in your relationship. There's no way around it. There's no grace here. There's nobody that gets out of this. And to just say one more thing. I said I was going to stop talking, but I have one more thought. We are all fighting the natural progression of breakdown in the world in which we live. It's scientifically a principle. It's a principle called entropy. And it's something that we have to embrace. It's the breakdown of me aging. It's the breakdown of the house that's going to consistently need repair and attention to Thrive Drive. It's the dirty house that even though I cleaned it last week and I haven't even been home, continues to get broken down and dirty again. A bicycle I leave in the side yard's gonna break down and have problems even though I'm not riding it. And so it is true with our relationships. If we're not putting in daily care and focus by nature, by principle, it is going to break down. And that's just true for all of us. Unless we decide we're going to push and challenge that entropy and be mindful of it and do what we can do to keep it right. That's going to consistently take effort.

Yeah. And I think if we use, and we do sometimes on the show, if you've listened for a bit, taking it into the medical arena, isn't this like. So we neglect various health practices that most of us know now in some way, shape or form are going to have an effect on our physical physicality, our vitality. And we go to the doctor and he or she says, the tests reveal X and if you don't make some kind of a change, there is absolutely going to be a problem. So this is really what we're saying in the emotional side of our life.

But.

But again, we talk this all the time. There's a disconnect with many of us. We work with a lot of people, but most of the time it's when they've gone to the doctor, I'm speaking metaphorically, and he or she says, we've got some real problems with the test results.

This is because as human beings, we're exceptionally lazy. We know that there's problems. We suspect highly that there's problems. There's little anxiety and worry and fear that there's problems. But you know what? I'm just not ready to deal with it today. Please not.

I think it scares the heck out of us, too. You know, I mean, we have a lot of times we have no idea and we have. Nothing's ever been modeled to us like, well, that didn't ever go well for my parents or whoever raised me or all those conversations that we hear in our body of work.

I don't necessarily know if it's laziness. I think it's more procrastination is a lot of times based on fear because we're scared of what's going to happen if we do it. And I think that's a big reason why people don't want to spend time with their partners sometimes, or they keep putting it off. To expand on what you said earlier, it's not necessarily because they're afraid they're going to fight, but it's. It's because they're going to have to feel. Face what they know is true, face the fact that they're not as connected as they once were, face the fact that their marriage might be coming close to being over. So if they just continue to focus on the kids or continue to do things with their friends or not with their partner, then they can put that process a little bit further out because it's scary. It's scary to face it.

I say lazy because we are wired as the beings that we are as a human being to find the path of least resistance, to put in the least amount of effort that's required today. And so we won't take on these big things that you've just highlighted and that we've talked about here already. Until there's urgency. And I can see that, oh, gosh, okay. And then we do a Hail Mary. It's kind of like, okay, I see now I need to do this. I've known I've needed to do that. That's the lazy part. I'm not criticizing or trying to hurt anybody's feelings. But we really do try and take the path of least resistance for a myriad of reasons. One is just the energy and the functionality of our brain. Right. So we are constantly looking for the path of least resistance. And if we feel like we can kick the can down the road and we do this in our finances, we do this in our health and we definitely do it in our relationships because we don't see the evidence that the choice I'm making today has any far reaching consequences. So it seems like path of least resistance for today.

And I would say the only time we probably don't do that is when we first come together. Think about all the. Oh my gosh.

Yeah, I think that's an interesting way to think about it because I think a lot of people are saying, oh, I am doing what I need the relationship to thrive because I'm not having that conversation because I don't want to have a fight with my partner. But in reality that's the lazier choice because you're not putting in the work that you need to put in to have a great relationship. And I've just never thought of it like that.

Well, and I just want to see the fear is the complexity that seems like it's an unsurmountable task that causes us to take path of least resistance. I don't know how to deal with the fear and deal with those roadblocks when I bump into them. And so I just go, oh, please, not today. Tomorrow. Tomorrow looks so much better.

And I think a really good word that we should throw in that's that we don't hear that I love and I think it's really appropriate here is it takes courage and we don't hear a lot about courage. Dan Sullivan, a wonderful man that I follow, he talks a lot about this. Everyone looks at maybe the accomplishment, but we don't talk about the courage that it takes to get from where you are to where you want to go.

We don't necessarily think about using the word like courage in a long term marriage. I know, you know, that doesn't, that doesn't really go together in our normal way of thinking.

I agree. But when we think about it, when we have have to turn and face like you said, Brooke, I mean, what's not comfortable for us, let's be honest, that's in any place of life that really is. And I love that because it's true and we don't hear a lot about it and it's not so fun to be in that place where it takes courage it's not all that great. I mean, a lot of times it kicks our fanny, man. I mean it's hard, you know, I gotta have courage to go to CrossFit in the morning because it kicks my fan, you know, I mean.

So while facing ourselves is the most courageous act you ever do on the face of the planet. And just think about what we're talking about. If I'm going to turn and face. Maybe there's some challenges or breakdown because of the choices that weren't intentional. Right. I just thought it was the best process and the path of least resistance forward.

Or you were just trying to survive.

Yeah, just trying to survive and figure it out. We then find ourselves in this place where I have to muster up the courage. And that's something we teach and talk about a lot in the work that we do is I've got to develop the courage. And it is something we can develop. But it is an act of courage to turn and face our situation, to face ourselves, to hear our partners, especially when they have some things to say that I knew it, I was dreading that I. I didn't want to hear that because then it confirms my worst nightmare. But yet those are the courage, the courageous things that we need to find a way to do. And those things can only be done in finding the time to have the conversations that are important and are required to deciding and to continue the process of co creation in our relationships. And I wish there was an easier path. I wish there was a silver bul. I wish there was a pill. I wish there was some little word that I could tell you that would have him stick around forever and love you nobody's business. But unfortunately I don't have a magic wand. And so we have to deal with the principles that govern relationships. And our intention here with this conversation is not to go dun dun dun, but to help you see the consequences of your choices that we all have to face when we're talking about relationships. And if I want a relationship that I want to revitalize, that I want to save, that I want to keep good and thriving, then absolutely time is that something that I contribute into it. Not just once a week, not just once a month, not just every other month, once a quarter, once a year, but daily. It is a daily practice. I like to liken it unto eating, drinking and pooping. All of those things have to happen every day. Sorry. We can start to wrap our heads around. We get graphic. Right. Eating, drinking, pooping is something that I need to make a consistent, focused effort and I make time for that, I make space for that, even if it's on the run. Well, the same needs to be true about spending time with your person every.

Day, especially, I think, because it's so counterintuitive. When you start to have relationship problems, the first thing you think of is not, I need to spend more quality time with my partner. You think, I don't really want to spend more time with them because. Or him or her, because I can't really stand them right now. But that is what you need to do. When you start to have these problems in your relationship, you the. Your first instinct is to pull away, but you actually need to pull in closer.

And I love that you brought that up, because what if you push them away? You're going to start to create space. And it's okay to say, I'm upset with you, I'm mad at you, I don't know what to do, I'm frustrated, don't have any answers. But we're continuing the conversation, and we may have that conversation for several days in a row until I get clear with me or clear with you. And. And also a lot of us have been given the demonstration from our families of origin that if you say or do something that hurts my feelings, then I get to punish you. I get to create consequences for you. And that's usually where I want to push you away as a punishment for what you've done. Right now we don't have sex now. We're not going to talk now. I'm not going to continue with our date on Friday night. And good luck, you're sleeping on the couch. No intimacy for you. And we don't think about really what it is we're doing. Those choices are going to create a divide and a separation and contribute to that, a natural breakdown that we're all fighting anyway. Maybe come close and be mad and that's okay, and share why we're mad and explore that. And then if we have to pause and come back to it, great, we can do that, no problem. Maybe it takes 50 days of us talking and sharing and talking and sharing to get clear about it. There's just one rule in relationships. It's okay to feel the way you feel, but don't take it out on any own the way you feel and the frustrations that are happening, even if somebody has brought those emotions and feelings up in you, you need to decide how you need to remedy that, and you need to decide what it is you need to ask for, advocate for in order to help ease the pain for yourself. And guess what? Your partner needs to do the same. And there needs to be room and space to do that. And that's usually a really brand new thought about ruddering ourselves through relationships, but it's the one we need to get really good at. So let's look at some things that you can highlight that might be evidence of this breakdown from neglect. Now, again, this isn't intentional. Like, I know couples are doing the very best they know how and they're working their fannies off and everybody is putting in. And bless our hearts, because we don't understand sometimes the principles that rudder relationships and the skills to navigate through them. We end up making choices in that path of least resistance of which we don't see the consequences of until we're down the road. And then we go, oh, my gosh. And then when we start looking back, we go, oh, okay. I think one client just said to me a couple of days ago, I see now how I used to push my partner away from having intimacy and sex. That was actually the beginning of the end, right? That was the moment where he felt rejected. Then all of a sudden, he stopped engaging in conversation anymore. He's telling me now that, you know, he didn't feel like he. He was wanted, he was loved, he mattered. He wasn't contributing anything to the relationship. And a year and a half or two later, he ends up saying, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. And she can track it back to this moment where for a myriad of reasons, she said, no, no, it's time for me to cut you off. And we just don't realize what we're saying. Then you can't punish somebody enough to motivate them to come back to reconnecting with you. It doesn't work like that.

I think it's really easy to switch into the defensive mode where you believe your partner is against you in our relationships. And it's kind. I think often it's unintentional where we're like, fighting against each other. And then it can take so much of. Of letting your pride go and admitting that you were wrong to. To get back to the place where you realize you're. You are on the same team. That can be such a change and perspective to be like, oh, God, hello, we're together. We're on the same team. We don't need to be acting like this. But it takes a lot to sometimes put your guard down enough to get.

Back to that point.

But that makes navigating relationships so much Easier.

I think we forget we care. We get so frustrated and. And so mad and so plugged in that I forget, oh, yeah, you're somebody who actually really matters to me. I really care about you. We can think that we need to protect ourselves, and then when we feel like we need to protect ourselves, just like you said, Brookie, we start to make it up that they're against me, that they're doing this on purpose and intentionally. I would say. I'm not a big proponent of assumptions of any kind, but if we're going to assume any, let's assume that we're love, and let's assume that the partner you're in relationship with right now is doing the very best they know how to love you. Now, that might be X executed really wonky. It might be very dysfunctional, because that's all I know. I know what I know as a human being. But if we can remember that I care about them and that's why you're in this relationship and they care about me, then that sometimes helps us remember, oh, wait a minute. I don't need to push you away. It's okay to be angry or frustrated or plugged in, but maybe there's a better way for us to get through this. And there is, very much so a way that needs to be practiced, learned, often, daily. And that's very much the work that we do. So let's talk about some of the hidden dangers of neglecting your relationship. Because sometimes we need to see the physical evidence of the choices that we're making and how they might show up in your life so that you can be mindful of them. And then we're going to talk about how to fix them, what it is we need to be mindful of, and why these are important. How about emotional distance? Emotional distance or that sense of there's a canyon between us or you don't get me anymore, that is is absolutely a side effect of not prioritizing your relationships. And emotional distance will grow between you. And this also happens. I think we touched on this a bit ago. If I push you away or I make you pay, I always say, if somebody's got to pay, we're all going to pay. Because it's the beginning of breakdown in your relationship and we don't realize we're doing it. The ideal is something that was demonstrated to us that if you make a mistake or you screw things up, you make a mess, then I am entitled to make sure. This was terrible and egregious. Believe me, they know nobody beats us up more than we beat ourselves up for mess. Right? So I don't need to be punished so much as I need to know how to clean up that mess and recover from that mess quickly and efficiently so that we don't allow this to have any more impact on our relationship than necessary. If we start penalizing or punishing our partners, then we're essentially prolonging the pain and the breakdown from this mess instead of getting through it quickly, efficiently, effectively, and get back to the good stuff as quickly as we possibly can. That's what's going to keep our relationship intact. Not prolonging the punishment and the consequences of a mess that was made. That's something that I hope you're hearing me say. And maybe you need to hit the stop button and replay that because that's a very important principle that needs to be ingrained in our hearts and our minds. The emotional distance is going to lead to feelings of loneliness, resentment and disconnection both personally and collectively in this co creation culture relationship. Two, another sign is decreased intimacy. And I'm not just talking about something sexual intimacy. I'm talking about the intimacy in four basic levels. Yes, physical sex is one. The second one would be emotional intimacy where I feel like you really get me right, you know me, I want to share more of me with you. A spiritual connection or intimacy where we feel like we're pursuing something that's greater than ourselves that creates this idea of contribution, us pouring in. I know for me and Tom, this work work is our spiritual intimacy where we're creating things and thinking about how we can support and contribute to making relationships around the world a better thing. That's our spiritual intimacy and then the intellectual intimacy. This is where we get to have ideas, sex, and it's incredible. And one idea leads to another idea. And we co create these big dreams and goals that we have for ourselves in our lives. And you want all four of those, you want those, the safety to develop and explore all four aspects of those intimacy experiences as a human being. And literally when you think about it, that's what we're all asking for in some form or fashion. That is the space that we all want to achieve. So this decreased intimacy is from neglecting your relationship. And it's going to result in a decline of all of those forms of intimacy which are absolutely essential to maintaining a strong bond and a connection that we are on the same team where we can take on the challenges and weather the inevitable ups and downs of life. Number three is you're going to see Increased conflict. Why? Why does a conflict increase when we feel more and more disconnected? Anybody want to chime in?

The emotional safety decreases when you're not, when you're not connected. Also you're not getting your emotional needs met. It's much easier to have a lot of conflict when you don't feel like your emotional needs are getting met. And those are probably not going to get met when your canyons apart apart from your person.

Absolutely. When we don't invest time and effort into our relationships, you're also going to lack the understanding of yourself and your partner. We end up creating two very different siloed experiences in this co creation. And then we're going to start fighting about whose is right and who's is wrong and who's got it all figured out and who doesn't. And then as the breakdown continues, we're actually fighting for validation. Everybody wants to be heard, right? It's like, I want to talk and I want you to understand me first. And somebody goes, screw you, I want you to understand me first. And we literally start fighting and competing for the validation that you see me, you know me, you love me, I matter. And we fight some more and the cycle progresses. And so these, this is also where issues can pile up, which of course is going to lead to more intense, frequent conflict, conflicts between us. And literally at the heart of it is I just don't understand what you need and you don't understand what I need. And we're blaming each other for the unmet needs and the circumstances that we find ourselves in our relationship.

Well, and we talked about this. I think it was this morning. At the end of the day we're screaming to be validated and heard. And when that doesn't happen, then we're gonna bring out the gloves and start swinging because we think that's what's gonna finally have us be seen, invalidated, heard. And no, it's not. It's gonna do the exact opposite. But it's funny how that works, you know.

So just understand increased conflict isn't as mysterious as we make it out to be. There's a very natural pattern of progression here that all stems from neglecting our relationships.

And notice, never one time did we say it was because you're with the wrong person. You know, which I think if we go and ask our friends or our family members, that would be what they would say. Oh, it's just because you're with the wrong person.

He or she just needs to get their act together and everything would be fine. Fine.

But that's not what the pathway to increase conflict that we just explained, which I'm sure all of you would agree to, at least relating to some of those things we said. It has nothing to do in most cases with being with the right or wrong person. It has to do with all of the other things we just said, which I think is just so interesting.

I'm going to give you the gift that I give to all my private clients right here and now on this podcast past forever. And furthermore, I want you to pinky swear to me that when you get into a conflict and you're realizing you're blaming your partner for what's going on in your relationship, for here, from here on and forevermore, you're going to blame me. You're going to blame me. Let's just get on with it, okay? It's Stacy's fault because she didn't talk about that on our podcast and she didn't teach this in our sessions and she wasn't here to mentor us and have the conversations to help us get to a successful ending. So it's her fault. And now what are we going to do? Good.

Get that out of the way.

Let's just get that out of the way. It's my fault. It's my fault. I should have known better. I should have known to teach you that. I should have been able to support you better through this. And if you're a consistent listener, and hopefully you will be, if this is your first time joining us, you can forever and always blame me so that then we can get on with the real work at hand, which is what are we going to do about it? And that's about as much as it gives us. When we decide who's to blame at the end of the pile, you still have the mess to deal with and you still have the progression forward to manage and to grow from. So let's just cut to the chase and you blame me. That's how we're going to do that one. Beautiful.

Glad we got that out of the way.

Okay, and last one that I want to share with you is just a piece of evidence that showcases we are neglecting our relationships is feelings of betrayal.

Oh boy.

And feelings of betrayal big and small. The small wins add up just like a big whammy because we don't weather betrayal very much or very well as a human being. And here is why. A co creation is a relationship where we are both putting in. And in order to both put in, we have to both risk with each other. Let's be honest, we don't know how this is going to go. I feel like I'm going to do my best and I'm hoping that you'll do your best. But I don't know and I don't know what we're going to face and how this is going to go year after year. I don't know how I'm going to experience many of the things that are going to come by happenstance, not even by choice choice. And there's a lot of risk on the table. And I want you to understand that this ability to risk with you is at the heart of continuing the process of a relationship slash co creation. And if all of a sudden I feel like I can't risk with you anymore, then I'm going to go into self protection mode and it starts to sound a lot like I just can't trust you anymore. My trust for you and us and what we can do together in this co creation is shattered. And I feel like now I need to participate in protect myself and I'm no longer willing to risk with you. And when that happens, we're not going to be able to co create anymore. I'm going to start living a life that's very independent of you because I know I can at least take risks with myself. I can manage that risk and I'm trying to minimize my impact from what you may or may not do. And so essentially in the work that I do, we say trust is damaged. But I wanted you to understand how trust gets damaged. It gets damaged because I don't want to risk with you anymore. It's not the satirical thing like trust. Where does it come from? How do we create it? It's a willingness to risk with you. And this is why we say and hear often that trust is at the foundation of all healthy relationships. Because in order to have a healthy relationship, I have to be willing to risk with you. And when I feel like I can't risk with you, then I'm going to refuse to take those risks. And we are no longer going to be successful co creating life together in any sense of the word. Whether we're running a business together or parenting or whether we're going to explore new frontiers in the bedroom or sit down and spend time together. I'm no longer willing to risk those things with you. And hence the relationship will continue to progressively break down over time. I hope that gives you some things to think about in regards to seeing the evidence sense of neglect in our relationship. And if you're finding yourself In a situation, in a position right now where you're like, oh, my gosh, it's breaking down. I don't know what to do. Don't panic. Slow down and realize there's lots of remedies for this and the time is of the essence. Get to it now. Don't wait, don't keep kicking this can down the road. And there's lots of places and entry points where you can begin. And I'm going to give you some remedies. These right now, okay? So let's just take them one at a time. The first thing you can do if it's in your wheelhouse, is you can begin today, like right now, prioritizing time together. And here's the really good news about this. It doesn't take a lot of time. Don't think you've got to plan this epic vacation and reset the relationship. We got to walk hand in hand on the beach, or, gosh, I've got to finally hunker down and take her to Europe. Europe. Because that's what she's been begging for forever. No, start small, doable. Like spend five minutes, ten minutes every morning over coffee or every night before you close your eyes to go to bed, to just check in with each other about your day, how you're doing, what happened for you today. And remember, conversation is much like great lovemaking. It's a give and receive. You don't want to just be the giver and you don't want to just be the taker. You have to share and then listen and share and listen. And this sets up this give and receive. Okay, I want to hear what you, your day was like and what's going on for you and what's coming up for you. And. Okay, would you mind listening to me? Now it's my turn. And do that. Give and take 5 or 10 minutes every single day. The other thing I encourage you to do is find an hour once a week. It's a no fly zone. That could be on a Sunday morning or a Saturday night or a Friday night or a Sunday night, whenever you feel like. There is a no fly zone where we have 60 minutes to explore all kinds of things. Physically, emotionally, intimacy, intellectually, or it's uninterrupted. What I'm going to encourage you to do is each of you take turns bringing something to the relationship that you just want to share with your partner. It could be an article, it could be a bathtub experience, it could be a movie, it could be a book. It could be something that you learned about your profession or your partner's profession or a class that you want to take, bring these things to the relationship and take turns so that it doesn't become just about one person versus the other. And this is ways that we can continuously share and expand and explore. Sharing what's important to me, what's valuable to me, what's fun to me with our partners. And then you need to just practice coming along for the ride when it's not your turn. There might be things we go, oh, God, we're going to talk about cars again. If it's important to your partner, you want to find the joy and just them finding joy in the experience and the expression of something that's really meaningful and important to them. Tom loves to go dancing. No, he doesn't. But he goes because he knows I love it. It's a place where I light up. It's a place of expression for me. And I always come back feeling better. And he does a fabulous job, may I say, babe, of just finding the joy in me. Finding joy in that moment. If he never danced again, I bet he wouldn't care, but he will willingly go with me. And that's such a gift and contribution that you need to remember in this conversation of us, quality time is important.

I just want to point out that when John Gottman says that when you stop turning towards those things that your partner tries to share with you, that's one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, so to speak. So I know that's very common for people to be like, I don't have time to hear about your cars right now, or I don't have time to talk about. About dancing with you. But when you stop doing that, it's really harmful to your relationship and your partner will stop sharing it with you. And then that totally cuts off the ability for you guys to connect about fun things like that, which is a very harmful situation.

Well, I mean, isn't those four horsemen, I mean, with uncanny predictability in their studies, they're with great accuracy are able to determine by the. Those four benchmarks if people are going to stay together or not. So I'd say that's over a long. A lot of people over a lot of years. Years. So it's not theory. Yeah.

The next time your partner asks you to look at something on their phone or listen to a news article that they heard or any of the things that you typically are like, oh, I can't hear that right now, or you're. You just, yeah, yeah, yeah, them turn towards them and really engage. It can, it's. It can be a very short conversation, but it can create a really powerful and connective dynamic between the two of you. That has an example existed for a.

While and what Brooke just highlighted there is how connection is created in the first place. It's when I share a little piece of me with you and you share a little piece of you with me that we literally create the threads of connection between us. And if I don't have time for that, then I don't realize I'm actually severing the ties of connection between us because I'm not allowing you to express and share you with me and me with you. You.

And I would encourage you and challenge you as Brooks to go all in. I mean, you really can't hack being fully present with someone. You. You put your electronic device down and you look at him or her in the eyes and give them your 100 undivided attention. It's really not that hard, but it's easy to half fanny it.

Well, it's very rare right now.

Yes. To fully be present.

Let me ask you, listener, and I'm going to ask the group here too. Do we really not know when somebody's not paying attention to us?

Yes, we know.

Know. How do we know?

We know every time.

Yeah.

They're looking at their phone, they're making noises like instead of saying words, you know.

And what about if we were blind and couldn't see?

That's a great.

Yeah.

You would know energetically.

Yes. How does that show up? There's a long pause. There's a. Huh. Huh. There's.

Yeah.

We don't realize there's so many auditory cues to knowing that you're not paying attention. And then there's many. So just we all, by the way of nature, of our survival mode as a human being, have the ability to do what I call take the temperature of the room where we know it's safe or it's joval or somebody's fighting. And we can do that, especially when we want our lover to attune to us. So I know, I feel it in my body, as most of us do when you're with me and totally interested in me and when you are miles away and my eyes. Eyes could be completely closed.

And I would say that when you experience that with your special someone or others, guess what? You enjoy being around that, don't you? Why do people that are blessed and are very conscious of creating that with people they encounter, whether it's their loved ones or Others. I'm sitting next to someone. Stacy's very good at this. And so why do people want to be around her? Because she's always interested in them. What a concept. Because most of us don't encounter people that are interested in us. And so when we find them, we tend to keep going back to them.

Them.

What a shock. Do you want to go around someone that could care less about you, or would you rather be around someone that seems to be always interested in, like, why is he or she always ask me these incredible questions? They're fully present, and they understand that that's the secret sauce of life.

Yeah, absolutely. So that's an easy one, right? That's an easy one that we can all do to reassess.

I would say simple, not necessarily easy.

Yeah, because it is easy. But it's just so natural for us to be like, oh, I don't. Honey, I. I don't care about fishing. Stop talking to me about that shit. I think that is the easy choice to make, because that's what we heard our parents do. Or so we see, our friends do, but we don't realize. I know I'm kind of beating a dead horse, but when we do that to our partners, that's what cuts off the communication. It's not that you just stop talking. It's because you tell your partner unintentionally that you don't really care about what they have to say. So they're not going to talk to you about anything else.

Else or their.

Especially the stuff that matters.

Well, yeah, Their hobbies, their interests, the ways that they express. Right. There's no appreciation for it.

I mean, think about when we have. When our children are little, they say, mommy, Daddy. What? What do they say? Look at.

Watch me.

Watch me. Yes. And it doesn't go away when we become adults. We just act like it does.

Yeah. Watch what I can do.

Yes. Watch me do the monk, the going across the bars, or when we're asking.

Our parents to do it. It doesn't really matter to us unless you guys are watching us. I remember that feeling. It's not as fun unless you guys are watching it and, like, being in the moment with us, you know?

And I can fully confess there were times where I was asked that, and I did not watch fully present because I was too damn distracted for stuff that didn't matter near as much. Take 100%, confess to it right here on this podcast.

And then we take that same thing into our relationships with our. Our significant others. It's the same Thing they're saying, honey, watch me. That's really what they're asking.

Well, and can we not all, as adults relish in the idea that when somebody sees me doing a great job, it just makes it all the more sweeter when somebody says, wow, you really knocked it out of the park there. What a great speech or presentation or I loved having dinner.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would say our CrossFit coaches are really skilled at that. Just the time where I could really need a boost when there's a lot going on there. He or she may come by and say, great job, Tom. Think, oh, man, you know what? That gives me a little bit more in the tank because my knees were buckling.

You know, that ironically takes me to the next little simple thing you can do and that's show appreciation. Because when you see what I'm doing and attempting to contribute into the relationship, even if I'm trying, maybe I'm not there yet, but you can see that I'm making effort towards showing up, sharing more with you, being present, contributing into paying the bills or making it possible for you to pursue hobbies of interest and take our family on a trip and taking care of the kids and washing the clothes and the myriad of things that go on to make life happen. If you see me and appreciate me for doing these things, man, does that feel our gas tanks, our emotional gas tanks quickly as well as makes me feel connected to you, like you see me, you get me me, you appreciate me. And that's huge. That is so huge. And so in our. Within our ability right now, stop banging on what's not working and start thinking about the things that are working. Sometimes we think that all the things that are working can't be counted because we've got these handful of things that aren't working. And if you do that, then you are going to run the risk of running out of emotion.

And I would just like to remind all of us is, you know, that's much different than giving someone our advice. I love what my brother David, he was just on our show in the last episode and has before, but he reminds us often, especially when he deals in the world of mental health challenges and such. But at the end of the day, we're all trauma, we're all dealing with trauma in ways and shapes and forms. But most of us don't want advice. We simply want to be listened to. We don't want advice. And so giving someone advice is not the same as showing appreciation. Those are canyons apart. They're not even in the Same universe. Okay.

Don't tell me what to do. Tell me that. You see I'm struggling.

Well said.

Just be with me. Walk with me in this. I'm struggling. Okay. It's. It's a struggle. I don't really. And this is where couples get into a challenge as well. I'm just going to highlight this. We could do a whole episode on this. But let me just say it for here and now. We have a tendency to think that if my partner is struggling and I'm in a relationship with you, then it's somehow my fault, but I'm responsible for helping them feel better. And if we take that track, then we're going to stop the. Or limit our ability to just be there with them in the moment because you're going to get defensive about it. This isn't my fault. I didn't do this. No, it's not your fault. You're not responsible for it. You're not on the hook to remedy it. It. There's no way you could remedy it when you actually understand the principles of relationship. Really, what's only being asked of you is just walk with me here. Yeah. Realize I'm struggling. And please give me the safety and the permission to know that it's okay to struggle here with you. And then I just need you to listen as I work through these things on my own. Now, be mindful when you're going through a difficult time of not blaming your partner for the emotions that you're feeling. My rule is this. If you're the one feeling it, then it's a message for you. And if you're on the hook to remedy that, that not take it out on your partner, your partner can cheer you on, be a support mechanism for you, but they can't fix it for you. Like, as much as we would love that to be the case right off times when we don't know what to do to rudder ourselves emotionally, we start trying to control our partners and we're. And the thought processes of maybe I can get you to start doing or stop doing these things, then I'm going to feel better. So the highlight becomes you instead of. Instead of me, when actually you need.

To come up with your and I can share with you again, I'm going to use my brother because a lot of times. Okay, I get that. Tom, Stacy, and Brooke. What am I supposed to say? So rather than what the heck is wrong with you? You could simply say what happened? Or I sense you're really struggling. Please share with me what's going on you see the difference there? So there's no accusation there. You're asking to be invited into his.

Or her experience or a favorite question. How can I support you with this? I see you're struggling.

He uses. Because the first responder that came up to him when he was getting ready to jump said, I have a sense that you're really struggling, struggling right now. It's pretty fair to say that probably someone can't have a negative response to that because remember, David likes to say, too, that genuine curiosity will slow the emotion down. So be genuinely lovingly curious rather than accusational and thinking we know better than our partner. The heck we do.

And what you just highlight moves us to a next point that we want to bring up. Communicate openly. And you know what? That we know that we're maybe struggling with the communication of feeling comfortable, saying what it is we really want to say and expressing the emotions that we have. And I'm either gonna blurt them out and get pushy and controlling, or I'm probably gonna shut down, collapse, not want to say anything. And that just is me erroring on the side of caution. Because the reality is I don't know how to get through this. I don't know what to say, so I'm just not gonna say anything. I'm gonna err on the side of caution. And that's the sweetheart message. Message. So it's very important for us all to gain and learn the skills necessary to share our thoughts, our feelings, and our concerns with our partners and to create a safe place in order for that to make it happen. Practice active listening and work together to find solutions to the issues that are going to inevitably arise in your relationship. No couple on the planet is absolved of that. It doesn't matter how glorious their love story is when they come together. We are all, all navigating the inevitable ups and downs of life. And if we can't say what we need to say, it's going to limit the challenges and problems that we can solve along the way. There's just no way around it. So if you find yourself struggling with communication, with sharing your thoughts and feelings and feeling safe and doing so, it doesn't mean you're with the wrong person, as Brooke had said earlier. It means means you need to gain or learn and gain the skills of communicating effectively and creating the safe space in your relationship so that you can do those very important things. And if that's not in your wheelhouse right now, then I'm going to encourage you to seek professional help. If you're struggling to reconnect with your partner, consider seeking the guidance of a relationship expert, a therapist, a mediator, somebody who can help you along in this journey. And if you resonate with our teachings, of course I'm going to help you. Well, I'm gonna hope and stand by ready to support you on that journey. That's what we do. And if you're connecting with our words and the way we approach this, then please don't hesitate to reach out. And you could begin that journey by scheduling a 15 minute clarity call for free on us to explore what's possible here. You can buy our book, you can schedule a session and you can also jump into our Better Love Club. All of those things are easy. Enter entry points into our world so that you can just simply put a toe in the water and explore what might be possible for you. And here's the other thing I'm going to do for you today because of our conversation. Before you go, I have a special gift for you. I am going to invite you to download my free guide on cultivating connection, a quick and simple activities for creating quality time together. And it's designed to help you strengthen your bond with your partner even when time is limited. So go ahead and click the link in the description below and you can get your copy right now. It will be the beginning to you stopping the neglect in your relationship today.

And it will take the excuses away. Me like I have no idea what to do and we hear that all the time and that's very valid. So we're going to help you with that one. There's I don't know how many of them there's many of them. More than a couple. I can just tell you because when Brooke and Stacy put something together, there's always more than like three. There's a lot of them. So I mean, again, you just pick one. Just pick one. Consistency is the sweet spot for all mastery in my years on the planet, as unfancy as that is, it works. We just keep getting better at it and getting better at it and keep committing to it and keep showing up and we're going to get better.

My hope is that your takeaways from our conversation today is the realization understanding that relationships require ongoing effort and attention even when time is limited. And that if you feel like you don't have the time, we better find it. We need to find it today, this weekend, spend some time and figure out how to carve out at least five or 10 minutes minutes daily in one hour, once a week. I don't know what that is, but it's not a whole lot of time. Somebody do the math for me. And that by prioritizing your relationship and addressing the issues as they arrive, you're going to be in a position to create a stronger, more fulfilling bond, even when we're going through a difficult time with your partner. And also, I'm going to ask you if you found this information helpful. It's so important to spread the word because these invisible consequences that we have as a result of the choices that we're making are literally at the heart of breaking our relationships down. So please don't forget to spread the word. Comment on this Share this Like this and subscribe if you're looking for more transformative relationship advice like this we're here to make a difference, right? And we're going to need your help and support to do it as we do our best to help and support you along on this journey. So let's have a little bit of fun. Follow the fun today. I'm calling this Follow the Fun moment called Meet Me in Romance Heaven. Meet me in Romance Heaven. Oh no, who doesn't want to go there? Let's book a trip and get the heck out of here.

Take me there. Right there. First class, baby.

Here's how Romance Heaven works. Okay, Plan and set up a place you don't typically meet to connect. Like someplace novel and unexpected. When Tom and I did this for the time first first time we actually met in our walk in closet where I had music playing. I'd set up a card table, two chairs and a bottle of wine as well as I had printed out a menu and outlined what I had prepared earlier as a meal. Now he knew to come to the closet take his trip to Romance Heaven because on the front porch I left a note taped to the door which said welcome home. Tonight I invite you to meet me in Romance Heaven. Travel there by following the troll of chalk chocolates sure to lead you to me. Of course he followed the trail of chocolates.

How would you not follow the trail of chocolate if you love chocolate as much as I do?

Found me in the closet with a meal. I won't tell you what I was wearing. We proceeded to have a wonderful romantic evening and it was a memorable moment. So some other possible ideas if maybe you don't have a walk in closet like we did at the time is it could be Meet me in Romance Heaven in the bathroom room where you've created a luxurious spa experience to share with your partner. Or how about the backyard where you have a tent or a special place in the corner set up camping style. The possibilities are endless here. What's important is again, it's a place that you don't typically meet to connect and that you have some food to share. You have some candles lit, you have some music playing and you have some time to slow down and have a conversation and to experience a trip to romance. Have someone needs to arrange the trip. So how about it's you today because you're here listening to this conversation. So plan a trip to romance heaven and you make it happen.

And if you do this, and please do because it's really fun, let us know. Tag us on social media and let us know. Take a picture or two. As much as we love doing these and Stacy does and we do a lot of them, I promise you, we do or have done them, but this is a participatory process, you know, and.

Just remember, if you share your your experiences, one of the things that hangs us up about romance is it makes us feel awkward. Right. It's a new place and we don't realize we can all touch romance. And we're all sitting around waiting for somebody else to take us to romance heaven. And yet every one of us has the power to do so. So make the arrangements, plan the trip, make it happen and snap a couple.

Pics and share it with. Share them with us.

Inspire the rest of us.

Yeah.

Hey, if I can do it, so can you.

Could be the very thing that says, oh man, that's really cool. I got to step in and do it.

Yeah. In fact, maybe we'll will put a picture with this. I have a couple that are coming to mind anyway. Come on. Plan your trip to romance heaven is worth it. You're going to be so surprised by how it goes down. So can you feel it? Each week we choose a theme song for our episode. And today the song is by Rosemary. She has such a beautiful voice, by the way. My gosh, she's a young artist that's just incredibly talented. And she has a song called breaking. And the words and the lyrics very much highlight the message that we're trying to convey today in our conversation. Conversation where she says I feel near yet you're so far away making it harder. I think I never told you but I meant to and now I'm sorry because now I won't get to. I just always thought that we would have more time. You can listen to this song along with the entire playlist by going to our website podcast page or Find it on Spotify by searching Love Shack Live playlist. I think that's a wrap for today. Unless anybody has something they want.

No, I would just say, you know what? Really just. And what really struck me is when you're saying if this was helpful today, I had a wonderful clarity call with a gentleman that lives in Europe, and he just recently started listening to our podcast. And I think, what is the chances that someone in Europe might find us and it might be helpful? And here I was talking to him on WhatsApp while I was driving. As we like to say, you can't make that up. You know who you are when you're listening, because he shared with me that he's listening in his car on his way to work, on the way back from work. So thank you so much for listening, but this is how it works. And if he just happened to find us, because I asked him, how did you find this? He said, gosh, Tom, I just. I typed something into the Apple podcasts about round relationships. I can't remember exactly what I did. And you guys popped up and he said, I've been binge listening. So thank you so much. You know who I'm talking to. When you hear this, I hope it puts a smile on your face. I appreciate you. We appreciate you. But yes, help us. Give us a. If you could leave us a review. Reviews are hard to get, and we really appreciate those. It helps the algorithm. It kind of juices the algorithm. So. So if it's. If you feel inspired to do that, it would mean a lot to us as well.

And most of all, thank you so much to be here. You're the reason why we get up in the morning and do this work and tires tirelessly. Plan all kinds of ways to promote and help and support you along this journey. So thank you so much for being here. As a listener, we look forward to being back here with you next week.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack live community.