#140: The Space Between Us: Navigating Your Partner's Need for Separation

The silent moments, the growing distance, the unspoken words. It's a pain many of us know all too well. The feeling of drifting apart, even when sitting right next to each other. Welcome to Love Shack Live. I'm Stacey Bartley, your relationship expert. Joined by my co host and lover, Tom, and our lovely daughter, Brooke, we've walked the path of relationship challenges, and together we're here to guide you through yours. For many, the crossroads of love can be daunting. With almost 690,000 couples divorcing in 2021 alone, it's evident that the journey of love isn't always smooth. Career choices, parenting differences, or the division of household chores can become battlegrounds even for the strongest couples. And yet, a staggering 63% believe that with a better understanding of commitment, their love story could have had a different ending. So what's the missing piece? Well, explore the reasons behind the need for space, the behaviors that can either break or build the bond, and the coping strategies that truly work. In this episode, we're unraveling the mysteries of love, separation, and the journey back to each other. Stay with us as we dive into a topic that's often misunderstood. How to navigate your partner's need for space. Is it a sign of drifting apart or a path to come back stronger?

Hey.

Thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

As humans, there is a natural evolution of individual growth within any relationship. And sometimes we forget this. Our relationships can sometimes be held in this container of There's a Set it and forget it, I've met my special someone, check. Right? We got married. Check. We bought a house, Check. We have a child, Check. We got the dog, the cat, picket fence in the front, and we should be good to go, right? Only to find ourselves years later having someone in the relationship saying, hey, you know what? I need some space. I can't take this anymore. I can't do this anymore. And one person is begging and pleading for it, and one person is going, what the hell? Like, this isn't part of the deal. This isn't what we talked about or what we set up to create. Who needs space if I don't need space? You shouldn't need space, so pull it together.

And wouldn't you say that as soon as that space word is shared, the doomsday immediately fills our brain and we're done.

If I feel like I don't need space and I feel like you're asking for space, then the next logical conclusion you're saying is, we're done. Like, we're over this. Space is Going to naturally lead into the D word that nobody wants to say, Right? Divorce.

Especially if our partner who was asking for space didn't really tell us they were unhappy before then. I feel like that's how it happens. A lot of times the person who is being asked for space is blindsided because the person who was unhappy didn't say they were unhappy, or they did, and the person wasn't listening.

And. Or maybe the person thought maybe there were some improvements being made, and then this asking for space kind of comes out of nowhere.

Well, and that starts to highlight the dynamic, the relationship dynamic. How this typically plays out is one person is going along with things. They're putting up with things. They're not speaking up. They're not stating how they feel, what they need, what they want, where they want to go, go. Because they've bought into the illusion that, let's be honest and let's be fair, is even in our wedding vows. And the idea is this. You're gonna sacrifice yourself and please me, right? And I'm gonna do the same for you. And this is gonna be like, the greatest relationship and marriage ever on record. We are gonna so knock this out of the park. I make you happy, you make me happy, and we live happily ever after is kind of the narrative.

There's one layer on top of that that a lot of people have been commenting on social. Not only are you supposed to make each other happy, you're supposed to innately know what your partner needs and do it for them and make them happy with meeting all of their needs. We had a comment the other day that said, well, if my partner isn't meeting my needs, shouldn't I be evaluating whether or not this relationship is for me? And I'm like, only if you're asking for your needs to be met. If you're saying my partner isn't just magically meeting my needs, and I'm like, no, that's because you're not saying what they are. Nor.

Nor are there any other partners doing that.

Here's the thing. Unless we disclose what our needs are or that we're unhappy or that we're struggling, we will have no way of knowing what the other person outside of ourselves is experiencing. Like, there's no way for us to know that unless somebody will reveal it and disclose it. And that's why over here in my work, we say not disclosing those things is the cruelest thing we can do to our lovers. Because if they don't know, then, yes, it feels like a betrayal. Feels like, hindsight is like, what? I thought we were doing great. I mean, guys, come on. How many times do we hear that? Like, what do you mean you need space? I thought we were doing great. I thought we were knocking it out of the park. Because all I know is that I'm happy, this is working for me. And I will have no idea if you're not happy and it's not working for you unless you say so. So then when you finally do come clean, right, after all of these years of, like, going along with it, I'm going to go, what the heck are you talking about? I mean, I've even experienced this in my personal life where I was a master at this. I'm going to just be honest. I'm going to come clean here. I was a master at making relationships work for the person I was in a relationship with. I would never make a fuss. I would never disclose what worked or didn't work for me. I felt like I was highly adaptable and I could make it work for anybody, and it was no big deal. If I can give this, why wouldn't I give this in a relationship? Until we would get well into it, year 5, 7, 10, and I would go, man, this is really not working for me. This is starting to get painful. But because of the way I set it up on the front side, I don't feel like I can say anything until I do. And the response was always some version of, what do you mean you're not happy? This is the greatest relationship couples have ever experienced. Well, it's great because I've been going along with it, and you've not had to accommodate my side of the equation. I've just made it work for you. That's my bad. That's my bad because I set it up that way. And so now when I'm blowing you out of the water saying, I can't do this anymore, they're going, what the heck are you talking about? I've never been happier. We've never been happier. And all of a sudden there's this huge bomb that gets dropped. Well, actually, I haven't been happy for five years.

I was going to say there's the proverbial, like, miserable, like, how could this come out of left field? And listener, I can share with you, it doesn't come out of left field. Now. There aren't things that are fully being revealed. Yes, I would say in our 10 years of doing this as a family, it most often is not come out of left field.

I can assure you that the pleaser in the relationship, the person who was thinking that's what I needed to do in order to make this relationship great, I would honestly, on the front side, thinking I was doing the most wonderful, kind, benevolent, loving thing that I could do for my relationship. But I didn't realize. And what I didn't understand is that the longer I continue that there's a depletion or literally an invalidation of self that starts to take a toll on it. One day is not a problem. One week's not a problem. One month, one year is not a problem. But we start getting into years. 3, 4, 5, 10, 20. It becomes a huge problem because the whole time I am slowly but surely withering away in a place where my needs aren't being met and I've lost my voice. And if you are in a place right now where all of a sudden you start to see your partner collapse into mental health challenges, depression, emotional challenges that you don't understand.

Health manifestations. Health manifestations, yes.

Maybe my drinking picks up, my eating.

Picks up, my losing weight, gaining weight.

And I start saying things like, I don't know who I am anymore. I can't do this anymore. I'm so unhappy. I'm crying all the time. And it makes no sense to you. Well, trust and know there's probably some version of this going on where there's an invalidation of self in an effort to try and do the benevolent, kind, loving thing for the relationship. And I'm not saying it, I'm not telling you. I don't know how to disclose it. I don't know how to bring it to the table and not be a jerk, not be the person who blows it up. So my conversation in my head is, I just need to get with it. I just need to pull it together. I just need to find some other avenues of getting happy and then this will be okay. I have no idea that it's because I'm invalidating myself. And I've done that for long periods of time. And there will become a moment where I simply cannot do it anymore. And it's not because I don't love you or I don't want this to work, or I haven't poured a tremendous amount into this relationship. I just. Just recognize there comes this moment where I recognize it's either I continue doing this for you, for us, but I'm gonna lose myself. Like, I am going to pay a high price personally for me to stay in this relationship. Literally, I'm emotionally, physically, or both going to become a shell of what it is I have the capacity to be. And then I have this moment where I have to choose between us and you or me. And as hard as it is to say, you know, it brings up a lot of emotion in me because I know I've broken hearts over this, but it wasn't about them. It was more about the way I set it up on the front side and my inability to be disclosed and honest and forthright and to maintain a voice throughout the relationship that ultimately sacrificed it in the end. I think that's really important to hear. So we set it up on this premise where we sacrifice ourselves for others in the beginning. And then slowly but surely over time, there becomes this place where I can't talk about it, I can't share it, I can't disclose it. I don't know what to do with it. I know I'm falling apart, but I try and address it as much as I can on my own and not disclose it at all. I feel like a failure. I feel like the problem. I feel like I'm going to keep it a secret and somehow I'll just figure it out and then we'll keep going. Only to find myself in the end going, I got to drop a bomb, because if I don't, I'm not going to be okay. You're not going to have anything to make a relationship with anyway because I'm essentially left the building. I'm coping in so many ways. I'm not even present in the relationship anyway, and that's where we find ourselves. When people say, I just need some space, what they're really saying is, I need to come back and I need to find myself. I need to find a sense of self before I can decide how it is. I need to move forward in this relationship because right now it's so confusing and so upside down and so chaotic and so convoluted. I have no idea where I fit into it and I have no idea where I'm at.

And for the listener, because you know where I go. The close family circles on known as radar. You're really resonating with me, Stacy, Tom and Brooke. So how do I respond to this conversation when I share this finally, and I've been holding it for a long time? Are you going to give me some things that I can navigate this sharing of something perhaps I've been holding for a long time?

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. We're just kind of trying to set it up first. I got you depict how this plays out and what's playing out on both sides.

I'm already getting like, oh my gosh, I can imagine you may be driving now because we've all been here listeners believe me, Stacy, Brooke and I have all been here and it is a difficult place to be.

So just to kind of summarize what I've just said, the importance of personal validation of self cannot be understated. There is a biofeedback loop that we try to deny until we can't anymore. And it will then require us to engage in self reflection and self care, essentially a reunification of self. For me to decide how it is, I need to show up and be present in this relationship going forward. That's why I say I need space. I can't continue in the place that I am right now.

Sure.

So there's also the external pressures. That's an internal pressure. But I also just while we're here, I want to talk about the external pressures that happen as well. And I might need some space because it can become overwhelming. And again, I go through that same invalidation loop and I might find myself in the very same place. And this is where we start to talk about the pressures of career, of parenting, of personal aspirations that I might have that are outside and independent of our relationship. Those to also pull on me and overwhelm me and cause some difficulty in me navigating through these things as a person. And each of us as an individual are going to find ourselves struggling with what I call different containers or places in this journey versus others. And it's interesting, I just want to highlight, if I don't feel like I struggle with it, then I don't understand why you struggle with it then. If I don't struggle, then you shouldn't be struggling. And I don't give a lot of understanding or permission or grace there.

So they're like you said, if that's the case, then we could easily dismiss where our partner may be really, really strong.

Yes, because I'm not struggling. So I don't understand why it's a big deal.

Get it together. It's not a big deal.

Yeah, pull it together. Why are you worried about that? Gosh, do this. And yet we're dismissing or negating that. We all are going to have different places of strengths and challenges as a person and to be able to accommodate them in a co creation, which is what a relationship is. We need to understand that just because maybe you don't struggle with parenting, they might. Just because you don't struggle with keeping your career together, they might. Just because you're feeling really good about the division of household chores, they might not feel so great about it. And I could say that about finances, relationships with friends and family, health choices, and again, those personal aspirations. So these two are the external circumstances that in modern relationships we need to account for and make sure and ensure that we're having lots of conversations around. Except most of us don't. And so there's that slow burn. So if I don't have a really great working acumen, which let me just sidestep most of us don't, to talk about the things that are most important and affecting me internally and externally, the kindest thing I make up is true, is that I can handle these on my own and try and not impact you or the relationship at all. That's the most loving thing I can do. And I'm going to propose to you that this is why we find ourselves in places where one person in the relationship is saying, I need some space. I'm struggling. You know nothing about this. And wouldn't we all prefer, let's just be honest, somebody to be disclosed about what works and what doesn't so that we're not blindsided out of left field. The majority of us would say, absolutely, give me the real deal, even though it might be hard to hear. I would rather know what's going on and what the reality is than you just blow up a bomb backside. However, what we believe to be true in our minds is just the opposite. I'm going to try and protect you from this, salvage this, not disclose this, work with it on my own, figure it out. There might be a whole bunch of conversations in my narrative from childhood about pulling it together. You're not enough. When are you going to get your shit together? Excuse my French. And so I'm feeling like that's what I'm wrestling with, not the disclosure part of what's actually playing out. And the numbers highlight this. I just want you to know the numbers and the research prove what I'm saying to be true. Here's the numbers and let's look at them for insight. 46% of divorced couples surveyed said that career choices were the biggest source of conflict in their marriage. Wow. And parenting differences weren't far behind that, coming in at 43%. That's interesting to note as we continue looking at the numbers, because there is literally only 5% of people who actually got divorced who say there was no way their marriage could have survived under any circumstances without any skills, learning, et cetera, dialogue, communication, all those things we talk about as far as, like, skills that are important, navigating thriving relationships. That's a 5% out of a hundred percent.

So said another way. So 95% are saying that if they could have approached it in a different way, had some different skills, had some support, maybe it would not have ended. Am I hearing that correctly?

That is correct.

That's great news, listener. That's the greater percentage, to be fair, 95 versus 5. 95% of people are acknowledging, like, yeah, we just. We didn't have. We could have given this a better run, potentially. Potentially. And we may still be together.

Well, and let's just talk about what this session or this episode is about. Right? It's about my partner's need for space. So if your partner says, I have a need for space, recognize and realize you have a 95% chance of being okay if you navigate it in a good way.

Oh, well said.

You have a 90. That's pretty high. I would say that's pretty high. I think 5% of the people are going to go, yep, I'm out. This is just a means to, like, kind of escape the back door. Okay, that happens, absolutely. But just recognize that's the fear that we're in the 5%, when the reality is you're in the 95%. You have a 95% chance, statistically speaking, according to the numbers, that this request for space can be navigated in a way that will bring you back stronger and better.

And I would just say, you know, because I'm the detailed person, that this is a 2021 study that we just saw, so this is not years ago, this is very, very recent that these numbers and metrics are coming.

And I want to say to all of my anxious friends out there, spoken from an anxious girly herself, you wanna know probably what your partner doesn't want to happen when they tell you they're not happy and that they are feeling like maybe they need some space for you, the anxious person, to collapse and sob and do all of your anxious things. Because that's what I would do. And I have done that in past relationships where my partner was saying they were not happy. And my response was not to be like, what a not anxious person would be like, oh, maybe we could talk about this. My response was to be like, oh, my God, I'm a terrible person. What have I done wrong? You hate me, don't you? You just hate me so much I'm a piece of shit. Therefore, making it all about me and having them reassure me that I wasn't all of those things when they were the one bringing concerns to the table in the first place. It wasn't supposed to be about me. It's a common thing that happens. But. And I'm so guilty of it, but I just want to bring it up because that is not a healthy response or a productive response to this situation. It just elongates the suffering and it totally puts the conversation off course and it doesn't probably make the odds for being in the 95% really great.

Well, do you think for a moment that it might have some impact as to why your partner didn't feel like they could disclose it months to or years or decades prior because they knew it was going to be rough on you to hear? And do you not think that being the loving partner that they are wanted to stay off that impact for you? And if I go back to what I'd said earlier, maybe I can just figure this out on my own so that I don't have to drop the bomb because I don't want to impact my partner like that. And I hope that you can start to see, dear listener, that there's literally a very sweetheart message in the undertow. It really is most times.

I mean look, there's always the outlier and we're not trying to say good point. So but, but by and large again, let's use the data. That's not typically how it goes. Well said, Brooke. So again, and sometimes listeners think we're dismissing the pain of all this.

No, we're not.

I am. I am one of those people. Like that situation I just spoke about has happened to me. So I'm coming to you with all the love in my heart that I don't want you to have that moment where you just fall apart and think you're a piece of shit. Because first of all, that's not true. And second of all, that's not going to lead your relationship to the healing that both you and your partner are wanting.

And I just want you to know of that 95% they stated that having a better understanding of how relationships work and commitment, how that functions prior to marrying, as well as understanding the values and morals of their partners better could have really helped them along the journey of of building a co creation with our.

So the fairy tale is not exactly right. Then we find a special person, have that special day and how does it go? We live how it's true.

Maybe, possibly yes, but one and also.

What you just said, what they wanted, what they desired, isn't that everything that we offer in the Better Love Club.

It very much is, and that's why we structured it this way. So as we move through this conversation again, I just want to highlight here before we talk about the remedies for how to navigate through this, which I know you're anxious to get to.

I just didn't want the listener to log off because we've blown up their world. Believe me, this is big. This is a big, big topic here.

I just want to state again, why the need for space? You may be wondering, I mean like we can obsess and reel on this for a long time, right? And we often make up a horror picture. It's kind of like get your popcorn, get your coke. This thought is going to really kick your ass. And so I want you to suspend that thought for a minute and just hear us out. Separation or the need for space takes place because one person in the co creation has lost their own self and they're needing to regather, which means they need space. They need time for self reflection and digestion of their experiences. This is difficult for the person who doesn't want the co creation to end. As one person takes space, the other person begins to panic, which is totally understandable. However, please know, when it comes to human behavior, if space is not given to the person needing space, they will push the other person further and further and further away. And you have to understand that's not because they don't love you. It's because they're in the throes of survival emotionally. Like I am trying to survive and figure myself out emotionally. And if you don't give me that space, I'm going to need to to fight for it because I feel like my sense of well being and wholeness is weighing in the balance. Again, this is not because they don't love you and care about you, but because they're fighting for their own sense of self. They're going to push you away. I know this is difficult because please know, however, the more space you give them right now, the more willing they're going to typically be to have conversations with you that are desperately needing to be had by everyone. So the more space you can give, the more you can allow the conversation to play out and be okay with that or give just the illusion or presence that it is okay for them to be needing the space. And I'm going to do my best to honor it, even though it might be really hard for me. The more you're going to get the conversations and the answers and the time with this person that you say you want to be closer to. It's kind of an interesting irony.

I would just say that's the proverbial when. If you drive in the snow, what are you supposed to do when you're skidding?

Benefit. Yes.

You drive. You turn the wheel in the direction of what you're skidding. Meaning. It is so counterintuitive. So what Stacy just shared, that's all logical enough, right? But when you're in the throes of that would suggest with great love and respect, it is going to take everything in you to respond in what Stacy just shared.

Well, I was just going to ask a question. What about the people like me just going to speak on behalf of all the anxious peeps again, who want to text their partner every day, every moment of every day and say, please tell me you still want to be with me. Please tell me you don't want a divorce.

Please tell me.

Please tell me you miss me.

Yeah, please tell me you love me. Please tell me that this doesn't mean the end of us. Which that is not what you want to do when your partner is asking for space, because that's the direct opposite of space. But how do you get through those feelings without messing everything up?

Well, there. There's. First of all, I hope the understanding of what's playing out helps that you recognize and realize this isn't really about you. This is about your partner struggling. And yes, you're right, they are blowing you out of the water because they haven't disclosed a lot of things quite frank. They've been trying to handle on their own for the benefit of you and the relationship. And now that you know and they've brought you into the conversation, I understand the thinking and the logic that if you can just reassure me that I'm going to be okay, there's a panic that sets in, and you're trying to offset the panic by saying, please reassure me. That's literally what you're saying. Please reassure me. Okay, you're going to come back. This is going to be okay. But here's the deal. In this moment, right? I just want you to imagine if somebody was jumping out of an airplane and that without a chute and they had no idea how this was going to go, and they're trying to figure it out for themselves. You're asking them for assurance that they don't have, like, I don't know if we're going to be okay. I don't know if we're going to make it. I'm Trying. I'm panicking myself. I just don't show it the way you are and trying to decide what this is going to mean. So you're asking me questions literally I don't have answers to. Like we're both in a process of free fall right now, and I need reassurance just as much as you do, but I don't. I'm not in a place I can give it, but I'm panicking to kind of try and figure myself out.

Yeah, but that's like. I'm just letting you know. That is really painful for a person who's panicked to hear you say that. Both people are panicking. So what can we do to reassure?

Well, I love that because it's important for you to realize that as much as you're panicking, everybody's panicking. Typically, everyone is hurting. Even the person who's asking for space. They look all calm and cool on the outside, but on the inside, believe me, they are real healing.

That's. That's the. I love the swan. The swan, right? What's the swan on that pond? Looks all chill with those little legs doing below the surface of the water. They're freaking going like a bat out of. You know what, man.

And for the person who's struggling to support this need for space, I want you to see, literally the more you can support the need for space, the better it's going to go. And yes, that's going to require you to deal with a lot of the panic and reeling that you're experiencing. We can be upset about this, or we can accept it and embrace it as the opportunity that it truly is. Okay, your choice. But based on how you hold, this is going to be how it rolls. The first thing I'm going to ask you to do to just cope with the panic is recognize this is your opportunity for self reflection and understanding. And that's probably the last thing you wanted to hear. I get it. I know. But listen, this is an opportunity that's probably been needed for a really long time. You're looking out for outside of yourself, for the reassurance that you need instead of learning how to look inside for the reassurance that you need. Your partner has been a really good anchor for providing that for you for a long time until they couldn't give it to you anymore. And now they're saying, I can't give this to you anymore. You need to learn how to give this to yourself in order for us to be okay. And now you're gonna throw a hissy fit when really that's what's needed to happen all along. So you can recognize it as how dare you. Or you can embrace it as the opportunity that truly is to make everybody healthy. Listen, here's the deal. Because it's a co creation, everybody's going to have to work, everybody's going to have to do a push up and everybody's going to be required to do some things for themselves that hasn't been done in the past and that's what's created the dynamic that you're in today. We can't just continue to insist it, continue and think that we're going to be okay. That would be an illusion. If we truly want to address it and take it head on, then we have to understand that all us are doing things that don't work. Typically the person who needed space isn't speaking up, isn't advocating, isn't disclosing. And the person who is anxious, who is panicked, who is having a difficulty right now is getting the assurance, the validation, the reassurance that everything is okay outside of themselves. And they're taking it from the person who's trying to give it. And now we have to have a huge reset.

So the remedy here or the remedies, they're very much on the emotional. You know, you always like to say there's the physical body and the emotional body. This is, ladies and gentlemen, this is all emotional push up work.

So self reflection would be your place of coping. Okay, how do you reassure yourself? Well, it's a practice, but understanding your triggers and your reactions and why you go there, why you feel the way you do is a huge place to start. Like why do you feel like you need the reassurance of this? Can you not see and understand that you're okay right now and that the more you feel centered and grounded inside of your own self, the better, better able you're going to be to support the need for space. And the more likely you are to have the genuine conversations that are going to give you the understanding and the space of assurance that you're truly looking for. If you beg them to give it to you, if you corner them or coerce them or force them to say what it is you're wanting them to say. Whether that's in reassurance or to just tell me the truth, recognize and realize you're going to get an answer that's forced and coerced and manipulated, not the authentic answer that they have discovered. With some space and time to sort through, it ends up being Your nemesis.

Also your partner is probably tired of providing this to you. Like I'm not trying to be mean, but I know being the anxious partner in my relationship that before I kind of got a handle on myself, he was the one that was providing that for me. I wasn't providing it for myself. He was exactly exhausted. So if you can't reassure yourself at all, which sometimes is the case, then just know that that's a full time job for your partner. So it's a full time job to be the person that reassures you all of the time, 24, seven every day. So then if you are at that low point while this request for space is happening and you're expecting your partner to still give that to you while they're asking for space space, their emotional gas tank is already on empty and you're just going into the negatives by continuing to do it. So there's nothing, is no progress in this space conversation is happening because you're still requiring them to do the thing that probably exhausted them in the first place.

Well, I mean that's so well said. And I mean, I like to say, like, let's just look at this scientifically or energetically. I mean if there's a continual output and there's nothing coming in in, I don't mean to be the bearer bad news, but let's just be honest. It is not sustainable. And I've been there too. It is not sustainable. None of us have an unlimited emotional gas tank. I share this all the time on clarity calls and I've never had anyone not answer it. I said, let me just ask you a question. If you don't put gas in your automobile gas tank, do you have any indecisiveness of what ultimately will happen? And not one person has said of course not, I'm going to run out of gas. I said, that is exact precisely will happen in if you are constantly expending and there's no inputs in our, what we like to call our emotional gas tank, it's just, let's just be honest, it's just how it goes.

Well, and, and when you are anxious, I'm telling you guys, I was so anxious I couldn't function. So I get it that being anxious is also a full time job. But unless you take some of the responsibility and soothe your own anxiety yourself or go to people other than just your partner, go to counseling, maybe get on some medication, you need some other. Because asking your partner to be that rock for you, it's too much to ask. That's too much to ask of any person except for yourself. So I'm not minimizing how exhausting anxiety or mental health challenges are. They're awful. But we can't ask our partners to prop us up and make us the functional people that we need to be in society because they have to do that for themselves.

So I've got six places to point you to. Okay? Okay. Number one, the importance of self care. You need to think about getting sleep. You need to think about hydrating yourself. You think, you need to think about fueling your body with good food and exercise and oxygen. Okay. That's important because you and your panic and your anxiety are not going to make it if you don't take care of that. Number two, there's a self expression outlet. I understand you have a lot of feelings and emotions that are coming up. This is where any vehicle or venue that you, you can express yourself will be helpful. This can be done in, yes, talking to a friend. It can also be done in journaling. It can be done through the art, music, dancing, moving your body, any form of self expression around what's going on for you is going to give you an outlet outside of your partner. And then, yes, there's the very needed part of self awareness and reflection. Sit your butt down and breathe. What are the emotions that are coming up from for you? Where does it take you? Where do you think this comes from? How can I reassure myself? What is it I need to do right now? What would help me feel better? And then we need to go and execute on that. And that's only going to happen if I have the self awareness piece. And then there's the exploration of you. Like what activities do you need to do that would help you learn and grow and develop and understand yourself better? They're probably going to be activities that you've let go of in the pursuit of this relationship. Relationship. I used to do this. I've had people say I used to ride horses a lot or I used to dance a lot or I used to do a lot of arts and crafts or I used to write a lot or there's these things that we reach back for that prior to the relationship I did all the time. But because of the relationship and my anxiety around it and the need to make it work, I've let go of these things so that I could find the time and quite frankly the emotional energy to pour into our relationship. Go back to those. Those are really important for you to go back and reach for. And then there's the connection piece. We need connection, we need friendship, we need community. And then there's going to be a learning piece. New relationship skills, understanding relationships. This can be a great time for you to go. Okay, wait a minute, how does this really work again? Like, I've never studied relationships. Maybe now would be a really great time. The relationship with myself would be helpful. The relationship, you know, with another human being would be helpful. How do they work? How do I emotionally regulate myself? How do I get better at communication? What's the role of sex and intimacy when it comes to our co creation? These are all really great pursuits for you to take on and learn about. And guess what? It's going to help you do something other than worry about what your partner's doing and their need for space and what's going to happen in your relationship. You're literally building what I call love insurance. So regardless of how this goes, goes, you know, you're going to be okay. You have a sense of self, you're building a relationship with you. And ironically, it's going to put you in that 95% of the category for things working out okay because you're doing what needs to happen in order for transformation of your relationship to happen in the first place. And the person who needs space, they're going to be on the very same journey. I could say these things to them as well. Take care of yourself, get enough sleep, hydration, good food. Yeah, you need to express, you need to self express. You need to get self aware. You need to be able to understand yourself. So sit your butt down. What's happened here? How did you close off? How did you shut down? How did you run out of emotional gas? What's not working? And then there's the learning piece, right? What do I need to understand about relationships? What skills do I need to improve on self expression? Advocating for yourself, asking for what you want, Having a difficult conversation might be on the top of your list.

And let me ask. So I know there's many different ways that this space process can play out, but what I'm thinking about is like how about, well, how do we, and I hear this a lot on our clarity calls, can we talk at all or should we not talk at all? And I'm sure that's very individualized. But what, what do you sense? Babies? What's the best.

I'm going to give you a down and dirty bullet point list. And by the way, if you want to get this in some kind of a downloadable, you can do that right here in the show notes. I'm going to gonna give it to you in a nice little sheet that you can print out put on your fridge that can remind you when quite frankly we're struggling with our emotional sense of well being.

So the do's and don'ts, here's the do's and don't.

Number one, I want you to understand that you're still in a process of co creation. So yes, you're gonna probably still wanna, you're still co creating together. So yes, you're probably. If you wanna have sex, have sex. I know who, that's a big one. People who have these rigid rules about separation. You move into the other bedroom room and you cut them off and you never have sex. That's it, that's a no, no, don't do it. And I'm saying to you that's bullshit. Don't listen to that because here's the deal. If you want to be in the 95 category, well then we're going to continue to co create where we can and give each other space we're allowed so that we can kind of figure some things out about ourselves. So I would say recognize and realize co creation together still can happen. Sex can happen, date nights can happen, bills are going to get paid, you're going to still parent the kids. There's lots of places for the kids co creation to continue. The difference between giving space and feeling abandoned is we're going to talk about it. Abandonment happens when you just go missing and drop off the face of the earth. And there I am to deal with the sex and the bills and the kids. And that's not what's happening here. What's happening is we're saying we need some time to evaluate where we are, what's working, what's not working. And that's going to be a lot of like rebuilding my own reflection and my own relationship with myself so that I can decide better ways to co create with you.

That's a very important distinction. Thank you. Because yeah, we're not saying like you just go missing and that's typically what we see and that's the 5% like you gonna miss.

That's what most people say you gotta do. Oh, you want a space? Well then here's the deal. I'm gonna move into the other bedroom and I'm totally cut you off. You don't get to talk to me. We can't associate, we can't have sex. I'll do my kids, you do your kids. We're gonna, that's not gonna go well. You Know why it ends in divorce? Because that's what you're creating and that's what you're practicing. Okay, okay, that's not what we're talking about here. We're saying I need some time and I need some space to figure out myself. Okay, let's allow for that. Okay? Enough said there.

No, that's good.

Passionate about this at all. The most ridiculous dam it is.

I mean, but that's pretty much what's out there. That's what we're supposed to do.

Like, okay, well, that takes me to my next bullet point, which is I'm going to punish you for needing space. Okay? You, because you dropped this bomb on me and because I'm sorry I'm doing this voice, but because I'm just being a little sarcastic thing, I'm gonna make it. No disrespect whatsoever, but the thinking is very much so as a human being. Because you've dropped this bomb on me and you've been struggling for a really long time. And now I'm struggling. Therefore, you must be punished. And I'm going to punish you by moving into the bedroom and cutting you off of sex. I'm not going to pay for anything. And you're going to figure this out on your own. And I still want you to assure me that you love me though. And you're coming back, right? We're going to make this work. That's. That's what I mean. Because, you know, this is really shitty. You did this.

You kind of sound like a, like a, like an Italiano. Like, you know, you got that heavy, like, you know, like Godfather kind woman's voice.

I just am trying to highlight the thinking, that's all. Because these narratives that we have inside of our heads, they play irrational movies just like that where I am kind of the mafioso in my own life. And because you've dropped this bomb, all I feel and all I recognize is that I'm hurting. And I don't recognize that you're hurting. And we're just in a period of time where we need to navigate this. And so I start these thinkings just like that. They're completely irrational. Therefore, I must make you punished because I hurt. And I'm going to make you punished because I hurt. Hurt is not going to take you to anywhere you want to go. You're still in a process of co creation. Let's co create where we can. Let's embrace to the very best of our ability our need to. Right. Reevaluate where we are individually and then decide where we can come together collectively. And this is going to be really important that you don't punish your partner. It won't go well if you punish your partner. If you punish them, then essentially you're setting it up so that divorce is going to be the inevitable outcome of the. This process. Because they're just going to feel like, again, you're not hearing me. You don't understand where I'm coming from. You don't want to know where I'm coming from. And therefore I have no choice but to push you further away.

And is it fair to say that what we're offering, and hopefully it's resonating and is quite different than maybe what someone may receive if they chose to go there, to their circle of influence and ask for what they should do?

They've done that to you. Make them pay. They've done that to you. And you need to. There's a lot of fear that happens in this space. They're going to say, you need to layer up. This is just the beginning of the end. Don't be. Be a fool. Don't move out of the house. If you move out of the house, they're going to take it from you. There's a tremendous amount of fear that goes on in this space with. Let's just slow down, shall we? The biggest thing that we need is, number one, a pause to recognize that we're going to figure some things out as we go, not before we get started. And the greatest gift you could give to yourself and your family and your partner is just to slow down. Number two, don't punish them. It won't go well if you start punishing. We're all going to pay. If you have to make somebody pay, you're going to turn into a person you don't want to be in this moment. You're going to pretend like you don't care, because when you do and you're going to start saying and doing things that are going to take you in the opposite direction of what it is you would like to see happen? If you want to see this go well, and we want to navigate through this, yes, very difficult time, then please don't make your partner pay, because everybody's going to pay if you do that. The next thing I'm going to encourage you to do is, yes, return your partner's calls, answer their emails and text messages in an acceptable time frame, but do not badger them with 27 texts, emails, phone calls, panic, like you've got to deal with your own emotional panic on your own. Get some help and support with that, which is going to be the next bullet point because it's going to come up and that's okay. Just don't take it out on them. Find some other outlets and ways to manage that and give them the space that they've asked for. And I know that's really asking a lot for the person who's panicking and emotionally upset and reeling within all the what ifs, this could happen, this could happen, this could happen, I get it. But your best place forward is to simply grant them the permission while you deal with your emotional reeling. That's something we've got to get a handle on anyway, right? It's probably already part of the equation here. And that's your part, that's your emotional push up in all of this. Okay, do what you say you're going to do. If you said you're going to do this, then do it. Don't come back around later and say, oh, well, I said that, but because you've done this, or I'm having this emotion or this feeling today, I'm not going to honor that anymore. Keep your agreements, even when it might be an emotional struggle to do so. Next, don't badmouth your partner online or offline. Don't do it because every time you do, you're sacrificing your ability to come back around and create something better. You're just adding to the emotional mire and drama that's going to make it more difficult for us in the end to weed ourselves through. Do your best to not think of them as your action enemy. They are not your enemy here. They are going through a rough time and so are you. And we're going to talk about this, understand it, digest it, and navigate through it. And that's going to tell us what's possible in our relationship going forward. I've already mentioned this, but I'll mention it again. Avoid constant checking in. I recommend you don't reach out to them, whether through text, email, voice message, no more than once a day in the beginning, no more than that. And of course, if they engage with you, then fine, have the conversation, get together, no problem, problem. But do not badger them with this. You're going to need to manage and navigate the emotional impact of this space you're in. You're going to need to find that you will find and need to find that there's much to discover inside of yourself, thereby providing you a better anchor within yourself. We've talked about this. I'll Just let that be the bullet point there. The next one is have someone to talk to. And the reason why is we work things out for ourselves as a human being. When I can put what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling into words, it's almost as though we can pull it outside of ourselves. Like, wow, okay, that's it. I nailed it. I finally understand. And to be able to kick these things off and say them to another human being is a true gift. So find somebody that you feel safe talking to. This is probably not going to be your friend, your family member, people who are biased in trying to protect you, you and trying to help you feel better. Because you're not going to get a true, unbiased, objective listener. You're going to get somebody who's going to probably spiral the drama and the fear and try in their effort to love and protect you. So find somebody who's unbiased, an objective partner that doesn't have any buy in or emotional weight in regards to what happens here. They're truly going to be your best source of support through these types of things. And then I'm going to invite you to. If you do have children, don't involve the kids. This isn't about the kids, this is about the parents. And don't involve the kids because you're going to ask them to take sides. You're going to ask them to see it your way and they don't have the capacity or ability to do that. And that's just going to create again, layers of complexity that we're going to have to weave through. Still on the back side of this. So we're making it more complex, not less. Less complex. Input is great. However, realize there will only be one person who lives the results of how you choose to govern yourself and move forward, and that is you. And so you want to slow down, you want to think this through, you want to understand yourself, you want to understand what it is you need to get better at. You want to learn that. You want to learn what works for you and what doesn't. And that would be the most empowered place. You can come at this from yourself, from your own perspective. And it would be the greatest gift you could give your relationship. Enough said. But I'm just going to say it for the sake of saying it. Avoid dating. Don't bring somebody else into this mix. Don't try and punish your partner by starting to date now because you want space. I'm going to start today. If you're taking space and you say you need space. Don't date again. It's just going to add a tremendous amount of complexity and drama and heartbreak, making it more difficult to understand and go where it is. We ultimately are going to have to choose to go one way or the other. We're either going to recreate this in a whole new way or we're going to let it go. That's what we're talking about about here. Let's be honest. Don't add complexity where complexity isn't.

So I know we've given you a lot here and if you don't have anywhere, you know where you could go, where would you start? So there's a couple places I would suggest you start. This is really what we do. This is, we're very specialized in this area. A couple places. Number one, you could schedule a Clarity call. A Clarity call is a call with me. And just as the name of the call suggests, it's a place for you to get really clear where you're most struggling really. And number two, what would have to happen to represent a win in. So we can get some deposits into that emotional gas tank that's momentum is crucial in this place. So you can do that on our website, stacybartley.com right on the homepage on the right hand side you can schedule a Clarity call. You can also check out our Better Love Club. It is the most valuable place that we can offer our assistance as a family, all three of us. I mean, there's so much to share with you and that's right on thebetterloveclub.com it's also on our website as well.

It has everything that you're going to need to navigate a separation in your life and the best way possible from self care to connection and support.

And I would say the last thing is if you want a private one on one session with Stacy, you can do that as well. So the bottom line is, is don't hang out here in this place because we know from doing this for 10 years and in our own individual journeys, things don't go better with time. They usually get worse with time.

And also it's really hard to navigate this space on your own without help.

So.

So if you think, oh well, you know, so and so did it on their own without help. It's not normal to be able to get through this without help. But the normal thing is for you to need help. So don't feel bad if you and your partner are struggling getting through this period on your own. You're not supposed to be able to get through it on your own. It's normal to need someone to help guide you.

An objective third party is very, very helpful in this space. And don't forget that if you want those super tips that we give you here and you want them in a written form, you can go ahead and download those so that you can stick them on your fridge and those kinds of things. It's going to be helpful when you start to reel or you maybe have the space and you're like, well, what am I supposed to do with this now? It'll help on both sides of the conversation. So get your copy. You can download that by clicking the link in the show notes. I think that's a wrap. I think we've done a great job here of giving you the landscape. I know it's a lot to think about and to contemplate, but man, that's really the information that you need to know if by chance you find yourself in this space.

So I'm going to take a little hard right turn here and have a little fun.

We're going to have a little fun. And then today in conjunction, because navigating this can be so challenging for our Follow the Fun moment today, I'm going to invite you to take one bold move for yourself this week. Just do one bold thing for yourself. And maybe that's reaching for something that you used to enjoy to do. You've not done it in 10 years, but I'm going to pick it up again and I'm just going to go for it. I'm just going to take the chance. Or maybe it's actually advocating for yourself. You're going to show up and you're going to actually say what it is you need to say to create some clarity both for yourself and for your relationship. Then make that bold move happen and do that for yourself. Or maybe it's a part where I have to take some time for myself so that I can gain some insights and some understanding in regards to me. I'm thinking of a client right now who's doing a meditation retreat street for. For 10 days. No speaking in an effort to take that one bold move for herself. And she'd put it off for years knowing that that's really what she wanted to do because of her family and the finances and the space and the time. But that was her one bold move that she finally said, I gotta do this for myself. So pick one bold move. It can be big, it can be small. But do something like that for yourself this week and our song Today because I pick one for each and every episode. If you're new to listening to us, there is a song. Because I love music and because I can, and because it helps. Helps us feel the essence of what it is I'm attempting to convey in words to you today. It's a song. Turning Page and Sleeping At Last is the name of the group. They do beautiful stuff. This particular thing I'm going to ask you to watch on YouTube because I want you to see the video of the song as well. It very much is a wonderful depiction in dance form of the relationship dance and the ebb and flow that we all experience as human beings in this dance dance called Love. I'm going to encourage you to watch it. It's going to inspire you. It's. You're going to relate to it. I just know. And then tell me what you think about it. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. When I found it, it was like, oh, this is perfect for this episode. And if by chance you just want to hear the song, you can do that. On Spotify, we have a Love Shack Live playlist as well as on our website@stacybartly.com all right, it's been great to be here with you for another episode of Love Shack Live. Thank you so much for being here with me, with us. And if you found what we've shared with you today to be helpful, we're going to ask you to subscribe and share it with your peeps as that is what we do. We want to spread the word about relationships, how they work and how to improve our experiences of this thing called love. We'd love to hear from you. If there's something that you have as far, a comment or question or an episode topic that you would like us to showcase here on Love Shack Live, don't hesitate to reach out to us and you can do that by going to our website as well. All right, I think that's it for now. Bye bye.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.