#143: Surviving Midlife Crisis Together: A Couple's Guide

Have you ever looked into the eyes of your special someone and wondered who is this person? Perhaps you notice them isolating more, making impulsive decisions and surprising you with out of character behavior. The feelings of distance continue to grow between you and then the God awful panic sets in. Well, you might be witnessing this island storm of what is known as a midlife crisis. Welcome to Love Shack Live. I'm Stacey Bartley, your relationship guide through life's most intricate moments. Alongside me are my co host and lover Tom and our insightful daughter Brooke. We've created this sanctuary for souls like you standing at relationship crossroads, feeling the tremors of daily conflicts and yearning for a bond that's genuine and enduring. But what truly happens when midlife knocks on our doors? Why do 22% of marriages dissolve during this phase? And how can you as a partner bridge the growing emotional chasm today? Join us as we unravel the mysteries of midlife, shatter age old stereotypes and discover the silver linings amidst the storm. Because while midlife can be a crisis, it's also a gateway to rediscovery.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love shack.

Today we're going to be talking about holding hands through this midlife storm. The crisis change and relationship resilience. And we're going to teach you how to navigate through it. So take my hand, let's jump in. And let's begin by talking about what midlife crisis really is. So midlife crisis gets kicked around. I remember it as a young kid myself. I remember my mom thinking that my dad was going through a midlife crisis. I remember her using those words at her kitchen table. I remember thinking as a youngster like, what the heck is that? It doesn't sound so great. But quite frankly, I noticed my dad was having a heck of a great time. Like all of a sudd these things that as a kid I thought were phenomenal. Like we'd go to the dump, he'd throw us in the back of the truck, peel out of there as we're all getting tossed around. Of course my mom would be horrified. And yes, he did buy a new car. Yes, he did dig holes in our backyard and turned it into a golf course. Like, you know, there were some interesting things going on. And now that this is my field of expertise, I understand a whole lot more about midlife crisis. And as I look back in my own life, now that I'm looking at 60, I realize that there's been things that, that maybe I've been through that I can relate to in this place. And I certainly have several clients who are in this phase currently as well. So first of all, it's not a diagnosis. I want you to understand that. Second of all, I want you to realize it's a time of reckoning. It really is a moment in our lives where we probably had kids, a career of some sort. We've been grinding on things for a really long time, and then all at once we get dissatisfied. And the reason why we get dissatisfied is because we really, in our mind's eye, when we were 19 and 20, we thought we were going to be in a very different experience. When we're 40, 50, 60, we go, hey, wait a minute, this isn't the picture I had painted. Like, really, is this it? I thought time I was 40, 50, 60, I was going to have a lot of things figured out, be in a very different place. And I thought that I was going to feel more fulfilled than I do after checking all these boxes. And then the wrinkles set in, the balding sets in, right. We start to get kind of a, I don't know, speak for yourself. We start to get like the aging middle, right? There's a lot of changes that we go through mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. And there's a place of crisis there where we're literally having to re identify who am I now and what is it I have to look forward to in the future. And that day of reckoning hits us right where it counts, right in the old emotional feel goods. And when I'm going through it, yes, I can start to become very sporadic. I can start to be very impulsive. I can be reactive, angry, acting out. I can blame other people, point fingers. I go through a myriad of emotions trying to make sense of what the heck just happened. And let's be honest here in Love and the Love Shack, right, We were told a lot of things that sounded like really good ideas, but then when we did them, they maybe didn't go the way we were told it was going to go. And that creates a tremendous amount of disappointment and regret and frustration and almost an undertow of betrayal that also needs to be rectified within us.

Yeah, it's that story where, you know, someone, he or she does everything he or she is supposed to do, and yet they're in a place that they didn't figure they would be even after following whatever the rules that were, you know, and process that they were following.

So I want you to know that 26% of Americans admit to having a midlife crisis again between the ages of 40 and 60. Interesting to note though that there are some cultures that don't experience at all, which I found quite fascinating. And the reason why is they simply just don't have the beliefs and value systems that we here in America and several other countries have. There's about 50 countries that have noted they do experience midlife crisis. And the United States of America, the uk, Canada, Australia, happens to be part of the deal. So we can pursue many things that we think are going to give us satisfaction and joy and happiness. And then when we check those boxes and find that there's still an empty hole within us that creates that day of reckoning. And we think, okay, wait a minute, where did I get it wrong? I was supposed to feel or be or do X Fill in the blank at this point in time in my life. I want you to also know that it is a time of inner turmoil regarding identity, the choices that you've made in your life. And we're also contemplating mortality. The reason why it's a mid life crisis is because we recognize and realize that probably the first half of our life has come and gone and if we're lucky enough and blessed enough, we'll have an equal second half. So for example, if I'm 60, if I live another 60, I'll be 120. So it's fair to say we're kind of in the second half or the second face or the twilight phase of our life and what are we going to do with that? So there's this having to face the mortality of life as well. So here's some signs and symptoms that you might be experiencing a midlife crisis. It usually sets in with deep sadness and regret. There's a 55% report of people feeling regret. Because as I look back, when our brains can do this to us, I look back and I go, oh, if I would have just made this decision right here, that must have been why it didn't all work out. That's it.

Or I would say I didn't give it more of an effort in a particular situation or challenge. I would say, especially in, in the relationship part of life, if I, you.

Know, well, in the financial part of life, maybe in the health and fitness part of life. And I would say in all phases of our life, we're looking back to try and find the answer to the why question that's spinning in our minds. Like, why didn't this work the way it was supposed to? Oh, it must have been that bad financial investment I made. Oh, no, it was. I should have married Sally and I married Betsy instead. Oh, please. And I just want you to know it's none of those. There is not any one decision in your life that's going to make everything else fall into place, because life does not work like that. There are something for you to learn when you look back that you can make adjustments and corrections to. Even though you're in the future decades, there's still things that you can learn from your behavior, from your decision making, from your choices, from the exploration of those things that you can do now, you can implement now, even with your kids. I do it with my older kids all the time. What did we miss out on when you were young? Well, let's do it now. We can do that with our lovers or even past lovers. What do you miss from a lover? Well, do it now with whomever you're with. Like, these are things that I want you to know and understand. It's not about, oh, I made that big wrong decision there. It's about what did that, that now perceivable wrong decision. Teach me about what I can do and implement now in my life.

And for all of our young listeners, thank you. I've been talking to a lot of you all on our clarity calls. Thank you so much for joining us. There can be some really good insights, you know, in these lessons that we're all learning together about midlife. So potentially, this might not be the same process and experience you go through in your midlife.

I know mom, she's probably going to talk about this, but there's a interesting article we came up with during research about the differences in a millennial midlife crisis compared to a boomer midlife crisis.

Excellent. Okay.

Yeah. In fact, as we're talking about signs and symptoms, I was going to interject it later, but let's do it now. Since you brought it up, Ricky, being that you're a millennial. Right. What's fascinating is, you know, us baby boomers banging on our millennials, that they don't know how to work and they don't have the right priorities and they're not doing things the way that we did it in our generation. Well, what millennials decided to do, and a lot of them have this conversation, is they're not in pursuit of the house and the million kids and some of the highfalutin living. They want experiences. They're exchanging money for experiences. So they're likely to travel more. They're likely to take retirements, quasi six to eight weeks, 90 day retirements from the moment they started their careers all the way through. Right. There's an exploration factor and an inspiration factor factor that they've been able to realize is important. And so it's fascinating to note that as they're coming into their 40s and mid-40s, that they're not struggling with a lot of that reckoning. That those of us who put our our lives on hold for to raise our kids, to buy the mortgage, to grind out a career that we didn't really want in the hopes of being able to at some point in time, have that moment in time, their refusal to do that has them living in those moments now. And I think that's fascinating.

It's kind of out of necessity too, because the economy is much different from when you guys were growing up. So a normal job, it was no problem for you guys to buy a house. Dad, you didn't have a fancy job, but you also didn't have a problem buying a house for us. And that's impossible. Now. Basically, anyone who lives in California, where you guys live and they had a job like I have, I mean, I make pretty good money, but I would not be able to buy a house if I lived in California. And I'm almost 40. I'm 37. I've been talking to my friends about this, and I would say the majority of my friends my age and my cousin Jordan and my brother Dustin, who are just a little bit younger than me, none of us have kids. It's weird, you know, because 10 years ago, people my age would have had 10 year old children at least. So it's just interesting to look around and see that I am not in the minority by being 37 and not having a child, at least in my friend and family group, which, growing up, I never would have imagined that I would be 37 and childless. And it's not by choice. I'm having trouble having a child. But for other people, it is by choice. And it's either because the economy sucks, or they're just deciding that they're not gonna have kids, or they're waiting longer. It's all those reasons. But it's crazy how big the difference is between our generation.

Yeah, very much is. And so it'll be interesting to see how this conversation of midlife crisis affects millennials. Every generation has their culture that's with it, per se. And so for sure, us boomers, we are in the throes of trying to reckon a lot of things that we put off until later, recognizing that there's some big lessons to learn from that yes, we've accomplished some great things, but there's also been a lot of sacrifice along the way. What we're starting to understand about midlife crisis is that's what produces a midlife crisis. And in small ways and big ways, we're all going to have to do this, this day of reckoning with our lives when we step into the second half, that's going to be a very normal pattern of human behavior as we move forward. So in addition to the regret, there's restlessness, there's a lot of daydreaming. There could be a tremendous amount of irritability. There could be sudden bouts of anger. Also a lot of nostalgia. Right. Because I believe that the best days of my life are behind me instead of in front of me. And I hope that perks up your. Your antennas, because the way through this, and we're going to talk about this in a moment, is the. The best days need to begin to happen in front of you, not behind you. Again, that's going to be one of the super tips that we dive into here in regards to how to navigate it. But the best days of your life, if they're behind you, you can start to see where it would stir up these kinds of feelings and emotions within you. And that is what's going to drive the impulsive behaviors, the changes in sexual desire and ambition. And 33% of people in this space or experiencing these feelings contemplate a career change. And I would say not just a career change, but an entire. Like, it's. Tear it down, rebuild it, change everything from my career to my relationships to where I live, to what I do. These moments can be big transformations in our lives. Meaningless is also part of it. Emptiness, loneliness, despair. There's that regret, numbness, boredom. There's also insomnia. And some of that could be physical changes, some of that could be emotional or the other side of that, which is oversleeping. I just want to sleep. I don't want to face the world. I don't want to get up. What's the point? Who cares? A preoccupation with the contemplation of death and dying, that. That's also part of it. As we face those ideas of mortality.

I'm curious, was there anything about relationships or marriages not lasting in that. This particular phase?

Yeah. Remember in the opening, mom, too said 22% of marriages dissolve you?

I missed that one. Yeah. That's pretty significant. It is almost a quarter.

Well, and unfortunately, it's not common for us to go through this experience together. Again, this is more of an individual re reckoning. We don't realize that what is a. What is a relationship? Let's just say it here.

Co creation.

It is a co creation. Yes. So there's a little bit of me and a little bit of you. And so if I'm going through it individually because of needing to rectify some conflict or these things that we've touched on here in the introduction, then you can start to see that's going to absolutely rock my co creation as I try and decide.

One of the biggest stats in there was 68% of people of couples reported feeling distant from each other.

Well, and I just want to point out as much as possible that we want to normalize that because I can't re identify with myself right when I'm caught up with you. So I can't co create with somebody if I don't understand myself and how to show up in what I'm doing. It's going to a tremendous amount of overload and overwhelm. So hence the need and the internal desire to pull out and away for a minute. Let me kind of figure me out. We hear this a lot and then I'll decide how and when I need to re engage with the co creation because right now I can't do it. I can't do it for me and I can't do it for you. And if I've got to choose between the two, I think I got to start with myself. And that's going to be a survival mechanism that goes off in us as a human being.

So I'm hearing and seeing are the. Would there be some parallels on. We just had a wonderful three episode series around space. So if I hear it correctly, this is one of the persons in the marriage relationships seeking space. But from perhaps a slightly different dynamic.

And energy the signs and symptoms are going to be very similar. If I'm going through a challenge in trying to find myself and something's not working, you can say and see hopefully that the narrative is very common. What's the problem? The problem is I've got to rectify some things inside of myself. And as I do that, it's very difficult for us to do that while maintaining a status quo. That's because of the principle of contrast that we teach a lot in our private clients. I need some different contrasts so that I can see and understand me and identify what works and doesn't work for me. And all I know right now in this co creation is it's not working for me and my Brain is going to start to try and find all kinds of reasons as to why that's the case. But to figure it out or to get a sense of clarity for myself, I create a change, which is the separation part. And now I get to identify how I feel, what's going on for me, and then I also get to get consumed in my own thoughts and feelings. However that's what the drive is, that may not necessarily be what I do. If I am challenged with wanting to confront myself or I don't know how to go about, shall we say, figuring me out. What we're going to do as a human being is we're going to act out instead. So that is my defense mechanism of even sitting with me. And if I don't feel like I'm courageous enough to face off with me, or I have no idea how to do it, or both, I'm going to act out the emotion instead. And so we see more demonstrations of that than somebody truly doing what it is they say they need on the front side. Hey, I need space to figure me out. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm going through a really difficult time. Please support me. And then the next thing you know, they're traveling with their girlfriends and their guy friends, or they're doing the big fishing trip, or they're buying the vet, or they're on the dating app and you're like, what the heck? I thought you were supposed to be figuring yourself out. And I just want you to know, and I'm going to say this again, confronting ourselves is the most challenging, courageous work we will ever do. It's almost like we have to explore and exhaust everything else before we finally go, okay, the pain is okay, I'll do it. I'll look at myself. I'll evaluate, I'll do an exploration. I'll do that thing I know I need needed to do for a really long time and just really build a relationship with me.

My question is, I see why this is so frustrating for the person who is not needing space or the person who is not going through a midlife crisis. Because they're like, why the hell did you not figure this out, the beginning of our relationship? Or why were you not expressing these things for the past 20 years or even the past year if we're in a newer relationship? Why did you leave all of this figuring out to right now to the detriment of our co creation? And now you have to leave the relationship to do this and I have to sit here in pain because you didn't take care of your business. That's frustrating for sure.

And that's because of the principle as a human, I don't know what I don't know. And there was probably 10 years, a decade or two, sometimes even three decades where I thought really if I was either the person in charge and just run the show or I was the person who just pleased my partner and my family, then everything was going to work out and everything eventually was going to be okay. Like that was the most loving thing I could do, only to find myself decades later in a major emotional crisis myself. Right. Either of regret because I realize I've been a controlling a hole, or I'm in a place of just completely dismantling. Right. Because I've given too much and now I'm a shell of myself and I don't know what to do about it.

And I could say I'm hearing examples of all of that on my CL calls for sure. In the comments and in our first love and limbo sessions. Examples of all of both.

Both sides of that.

Yeah, yeah. People saying, oh my gosh, I'm. I feel terrible. I understand why they left me been terribly gone and just ignorant to the fact of not meeting their emotional needs.

Or I realized he or she has been people pleasing and has not and done everything and done everything and has not gifted themselves any time to truly advocate, learn how to advocate for their own wants and needs. I can clearly really see that now.

And, and that's just to say there's no way we can be in these places and at some point in time not feel the accumulative effects of that over time. And we just didn't know what we didn't know right. Until it's in crisis mode. It's kind of like the health analogy that I love to go back to just because it helps us make so much sense sometimes of the emotional journey in that we can know that maybe there are some things that don't really work or function really well in our body. But we just, for example, have stomach issues. Right. So if I just keep eating ginger and drinking Alka Seltzer and taking my Tums, that somehow this is just going to be okay until I get down the road. And I've got some serious digestive issues. Right. I've got colon cancer, I've got gallbladder issues, I've got reflux, I've got the myriad of things that can go awry there. And oftimes, it's just because we didn't know what we didn't know. We thought we were managing it and doing the very best we could and didn't realize, actually, no, I was perpetuating this thing that's going to turn into a bigger thing down the road. I just didn't know. I didn't know. And I know that doesn't give a lot of grace, shall we say, to the person who's like, look, I didn't have any part of this and my life has completely been derailed and now.

I just have to wait for you, you know.

Well, we're going to talk about that. Not necessarily just wait. There are some things that are important for you to do, too, but that's what. That's what you feel like you need to do.

Just brought that point up because I want the people who feel that way to know that we understand you feel that way and that we understand this is frustrating and painful. And honestly, there's really no antidote to it. You just have to feel those feelings. But we're not sitting up here on our high horses saying, you little plebeian, just deal with it. We're saying, no, we know this sucks. We know that having your partner go through this midlife crisis or needing space or whatever, it's a sucky situation, and there's no other way to say it.

Common triggers, or shall we say, things that set these kinds of thoughts off or create this moment of crisis within us as a human being could be things like physical changes, right? Wrinkles, hair thinning. I'm realizing, oh, my gosh, all right, I'm getting old. I look in the mirror and I go, oh, my gosh, I don't even recognize you anymore. Who are you that can start, that those wills turn? And like, who am I? I can be diagnosed with some kind of a health concern that causes me again to contemplate my mortality, what I've done with my life. Where am I going? How do I make the best use of my time going forward? And we've touched on this one, too, which is just reflection past. My partner maybe makes a choice and a decision which can be looked at as a good thing or not a good thing, depending on how I'm willing to accept what's happening. And that causes me to reflect on past decisions and choices, things that maybe I can do better and didn't do so great in the past, but that I can start doing in the future. And then changes in family dynamics, too, right? Changes in career, those types of things. Kids leaving the home, for example. And now we're Empty nesters creates that feeling of, whoa, now what do we do with ourselves? I don't even know you. Or whoa, I've just retired and I don't know what to do with myself. Right. Where do we go from here? Even things that don't end up going the way you would want them to in a successful career causes you to contemplate thinking, gosh, I did all of this in hopes of being here. Fill in the blank. And, man, that doesn't look like that's going to happen now in my lifetime. Right? Those are big things that cause us to go, wait a minute, what the heck am I doing? You know, I've spent 45 years at this or 30 years at this. What am I doing? Also not feeling like there's any path forward that's compelling and that my best days really are behind me. That can fire this off big time. Or you're just emotionally exhausted from the grind that was believed to eventually bring you the happiness and joy and satisfaction you have been yearning for a long time in life. That can also set it off. And there's this flip side, too. In fact, more people suffer from a midlife crisis who have been ultra successful, who checked all the boxes only to find themselves. Now what do I do? I've done the 529 plan. I've. I'm at the top of my game. I've got a beautiful wife and a lovely home, and according to society, religious beliefs, financial planning, et cetera. I've checked all the boxes. And now what? Now what? I thought this was going to be such a different experience.

I have a visceral example for this feeling. I was a paralegal for the railroad and probably the most depressed I've ever been in my entire life and hopefully will ever will will be because I don't ever remember feeling so much despair. And I had a thyroid cancer scare that shook me to my core because I was like, wow, I'm. I could possibly be about to be diagnosed with cancer. And I remember I was sitting in the file room at the law firm waiting for the person to come back and tell me whether or not my biopsy was clear. And it was the first time I had really experienced tunnel vision. Like, my hearing got really weird and I. It was like ringing, and my eyes literally became tunnel vision. When she picked the phone back up again, and when she told me I didn't have cancer, my reaction was to sob because I was so sad that I wouldn't get time away from my job that I hated. It wasn't that I was happy that I didn't have cancer. It was that, wow, I was really hoping that I did so that I could. Could get away from this toxic environment. And I think that's when the thing that you're looking forward to is getting radiation for your thyroid cancer, potentially. That's when, you know, maybe you need.

To make a change.

In your life. But I can relate to the people who feel in this space that they have nothing to look forward to, because that's how I felt in that time. I couldn't adequately explain it to my husband at the time why I couldn't stop crying, because he's like, no, this is great. You don't have cancer. And I was like, yeah, it is. But also, you don't understand what I'm saying. This is how unhappy I am that that's such a fucked up thing to think.

And how long after that diagnosis did you no longer stay at that position?

I think like a year.

I just want to layer on now because I think a lot of people can relate to this. Let's layer on why you felt so stuck. Because when you say your husband at the time couldn't wrap his head around why it is you were so sad, he love you, worked for the railroad. And I. I know that he loved to brag about the job and the position that you had and the money that you were making. And he had some dreams that this was going to help him fulfill and take care of too. And so you feeling stuck at the railroad, I'm sure had a lot to do with you also not wanting to disappoint your husband.

Yeah.

And so that's how these things can play.

Oh, yeah. I mean, from the outside, that's a very, very significant position that you were offered right out of paralegal school. Yeah.

And I was young, I was only 24 years old, and I had a great job that was physically set for life.

Exactly. You know, as one of my wonderful friends used to always remind me, things don't always appear as they are from.

The outside, very seldom. So, you know, those are the impacts that we do these things for sweetheart reasons. Right. There's a sweetheart message in there that he was proud of you and that he felt like, oh, this is going to really help us create more of what it is we want in our co creation.

Your family. Yeah, all of those things.

All of those things. And so then you start to take on the pressure of needing to make good on this, and then you start to break down. And then you think for a While I'm sure it'll be fine, I'll just grind it out. It's just a bad day. It's just a bad day only to find yourself years in it going, I. I would rather. I would rather do radiation than go to work. Okay. Maybe we need to have a conversation about that.

Well, we're mom too, and I. I'm not happy that you had that situation, but we're happy that you left your.

Position because now Brook, she works with us.

And I definitely don't dream of having terrible things happen to me health wise so I can get a break.

Even though rookie's working really hard right now, by the way.

But yeah, but I just want someone who's a partner of someone who has a really stressful job to realize that is sometimes the feelings that we have inside of us that we can't share because we know they're crazy. That's a crazy thought to have. But also that's really, really how I felt.

Wow. And that brings us to probably why they either don't have a lot of acumen and knowing how to share and talk, do that translation of our thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that first I can understand to degree that then I can share it with you. So that creates some complication there. And then also there's the own judgment and metering of. I know these feelings are a little out there. I don't want to confess to what I'm feeling because I'm judging myself for them. And then the sweetheart message of, I really just want to go along with this and not have to address it because I'm really not all that excited about upsetting the apple cart. But I just want you to see if we don't find the ability to do that either through support or developing those things that are missing in our lives when it's giving us the sign, there will be a catalytic moment at some point in time. There is going to be a default option that will continue to build and it's. It's non discriminatory. I want you to know it's an even playing field. This is true for all of us. And it happens at times that really aren't really good times for anybody. However, they're unavoidable when I'm in this path of breakdown. It would be like going back to the physical analogy, me not taking care of a health issue. My husband does this. He doesn't want to address some of his knee replacements and those kinds of things because of how it's going to impact our Life. His life. And so he kicks the can down the road. And I guarantee you there's going to be a day he's going to get up to walk on that knee and it's not going to go. And do you think that's going to be a more convenient day than today or. Or maybe at the end of the year where we make a decisive decision to just handle it? It's going to interrupt our life. Sooner is probably better than later. And we can be more proactive about those things when we start to feel those uncomfortable feelings. I really want to say that. And I'll also say most of us will wait until it's so painful that we have to finally turn and face it. And then even in those moments, I might change my mind and act out instead, because that is the most courageous thing I do in my life. So I. I want to just. I know that's a lot, and I know that this conversation tends to get really heavy, and I know that there are real consequences that happen as a result of these things that we go through. It's easy to say this is a catalytic moment or a default option, but then there's the whole living through it. This isn't a story right now that you're probably able to tell. It's a story that you're living right now. And so I just want you to know we know that. And in the most loving and sensitive way, with my heart as full of love as possible, I just want to give you a little spot of hope, regardless of where you might be feeling you're at in this journey right now, to know that transformation is taking place, that there is a potential and will be the potential for growth, that how we govern and rudder ourselves through this is from a very difficult but very important place of accepting what is happening so that we can truly face it. And statistically, I also want you to know that 40% of people emerge from a midlife crisis more positive and clear and whole and happy that there really is an upside here.

So they used it for transformation.

Yeah. And we can do it kicking and screaming, or we can embrace it and try and do it with a bit of grace and understanding. 70% also say that the significant changes that they made at this point in time in their lives created more happiness and joy later. So it's. There's good news here. There really is good news. I like to think of it as the house that was built 60 years ago. And then somebody comes in, decides they're going to do a revamp, a total Remodel a gut and go. And that gut and go is messy and ugly. It has all kinds of twists and turns in it, but it's glorious in the end. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful place I want to live and hang out. And I get complete with a lot of the things that happened in the first phase of my life. And in that completeness, it gives me some really wonderful lessons that I've earned for the second half of my life so that I can enjoy the preciousness of the life that I have left. So here's some coping strategies that I want to give you in order to rudder what we've just described as that transformational moment. The common lessons that are learned in this space are, number one, life is precious and not infinite. When we're older, this sets in as a reality. And sometimes it knocks our socks off. Because when we're younger, we think we got all the time in the world. We think we're invincible. I got time to figure it out, recover from those financial, relational, or health mistakes. And now I'm starting to go, whoa, wait a minute. This isn't infinite. This really is precious. I really do need to value this. This. That's a lesson, a very important lesson. 2. Loss is inevitable. You're not going to get through this lifetime without experiencing loss in some category of life. And getting good with that to some degree is going to help us move forward and face the future. None of us like loss, but it is a part of life and it absolutely is inevitable on this planet Earth. Number three, humans are messy and they make mistakes and we must. And we don't like that one either. We think that if you'll just show me the pattern, if I just get the right person, make the right financial decisions, follow the right spiritual tenets of my life, that then my life is going to work out. And I'm going to say no. Doesn't work like that. Life is messy. We're going to make mistakes. We must. That's how we learn and we grow and we understand what we need to do for ourselves. And as much as I'd love to give you a master plan that would include every beautiful human on the planet throughout, humanity doesn't exist. All of us need to find our own place in the world. And so there is no master plan for that except for the one that's within you. You, Number four, we didn't have it figured out, even if we thought we did when we were younger. In fact, the thought that I had it all figured out was Just simply an illusion. And yes, it might last for a decade or two, but the fact that it's a set it and forget it. If we buy into any idea of that ideology, it's a setup for disappointment later down the road. And the last one is life without expression of self cannot be sustained indefinitely. At some point in time, our emotional needs, needs, will absolutely need to be met. Sure, we can kick them down the road for a really long time. We can put aside what we need, what works for us, what we desire, or that expression of being able to be a musician, a dancer, a writer, a lawyer, a doctor, a mom list goes on and on, a burlesque dancer. But at some point in time that's going to come flooding back and the regret and disappointment of not allowing myself to express those things within me is going to get addressed.

Yeah, that to me, that's the absolute confirmation as I share with sometimes on people that I'm speaking to is like we say often, you can either have this be a proactive process or the default. And the confirmation of that is we all see examples in our life, circle of influence, where he or she seem to have this kind of perfect life, life from the outside. And. And there's a very unique behavior that all, all of a sudden comes out of.

No.

Well, remember, I always like to go to science because science is objective. And if there is an imbalance anywhere in the universe at some point in time, there will be what adjustment. And the adjustment doesn't care who's in the way. Just like Stacy said, these things often come at the most inopportune times because you're dealing with science, meaning we have an emotional body and a physical body and that emotional body and process is out of balance. And there's going to be a correction. Doesn't matter. That's why I think, oh my gosh, to me, that's a confirmation that this is going to happen for all of us and we can choose to understand it and be more proactive. Or many times we see expressions of these like outbursts and behavior that is so different than what we know of that person.

Absolutely. There's a whole side of them that they've not been able to express or maybe didn't know they needed to express or felt like they, they weren't okay to express it. The reasons are quite fascinating to uncover and help us understand. Right. Help the person themselves understand, but also help the people that love them understand. And then it does. It doesn't change the rapid, shall we say, but it does ease it because we understand and it starts to make sense to us. And that's why I say sharing and communication is for understanding, period. These things are going to be experienced internally, whether we agree with them or we don't when they're happening inside of someone else. But when we understand them, when we can find a space to truly understand what they're experiencing, just like Brooke shared, it all makes sense. Sense. There's at least a congruence to the action and the behavior now where on the onset it's just this outlandish behavior that makes no sense, is totally out of character. And I go, what in the heck? And if I start to judge that instead of pursue the understanding of what's happening for you, help me understand, then it's going to become a very conflicted, painful, difficult journey. As I stand and point fingers at how cray cray you've just got gotten the person judges themselves but still feels the way they feel so they act out more. And you can start to see we're on the road to breakdown and not understanding.

To echo what Brooke said, sometimes I think people, they misunderstand what we're trying to say. Look, we are not trying to say this is not a painful process. It absolutely is. And the fact that this unique behavior would erupt at a time where I can promise you, everyone knows, like, oh man, this is not an opportune time for this to happen. And still it happens. It's because it's really like the breath of air that he or she needs. But I understand there's going to be a lot of pain in the process. But to me, it's a confirmation that this happens because there's no other outlet and there's going to be a correction that has to take place. Like right now.

Yeah. You know, so here's some things I want to give you to just step into it. If by chance you're the one that's going through this, here's some things that you can do to just embrace what's happening without judging yourself too harshly. Harshly. I want you to understand and know the more you judge yourself for where you are and what you're emotionally experiencing, the more you're going to act out. So the first thing I'm going to encourage you to do is accept, understand and embrace where you are and do your best to create and maintain a new sense of purpose, learn and explore new things that bring meaning back into your life. There needs to be a place where you understand. No, the best days of your life are ahead of you. Not behind you. We need to find and discover what that is. I also want you to know that 75% of people going through this process found that talking to friends was exceptionally helpful. So I'm going to encourage you to revisit old friendships and even create some new ones. You need a community. Prioritize your self care. Why would I say that? Because self care demonstrates that you value yourself and you need to value yourself right now, not kick your fanny for all the missed opportunities, disappointments, bad decisions, yeah, they happened. What do I need to learn from them? What do I need to extract from that knowing and that experience that's going to help me know how to better rudder myself going forward? There's some real gems there. If you'll sit down and take some time to sort through it and, and do the effort, put in the effort of understanding yourself and self care just helps that demonstration of value, right? So yes, get some exercise. Move your body. Exercise is known to change our state, to give us a sense of balance. It helps us burn off the emot imbalances that we can find ourselves in as well as it correlates to the stronger I feel physically, the better confidence I feel in facing the emotional stuff in my life. Right. If I feel weak, unable, feeble in my body, it makes it really difficult to address the emotional stuff as well. I'm also going to invite you to explore some hormone therapy that's helpful sometimes and absolutely affects our emotions and our moods. So seek somebody in your area that can help test your hormones and see if maybe that's something physically that you can do to give yourself a boost, right? Help you sleep, etc.

And I would just echo, that's male.

And female very much so. I would encourage you to also do a physical, right? Meet with your doctor, make sure that a lot of these things that you're experiencing that absolutely can affect your mental and physical well being. Do a physical so that you can put your own mind at peace and at rest. Why not do that and then start treating your body better, moving your body and moving it in ways that makes you feel good. I'm not telling you to go to a hardcore exercise class. I'm telling you to go hiking, I'm telling you to go dancing, I'm telling you to walk with your friends, I'm telling you to do any manner of moving your body is very good. And then there's this one and this one for most of you are going to go, oh really? I'm going to go, yeah, really. It's probably the thing that You've known you've needed to do for a really long time, but you just won't do. You got to sit your butt down. Down. And you got to breathe and you got to hang out with yourself for a minute. And you have to be with your thoughts and you have to sort through your feelings and you have to be able to not try and change them, try and understand them. Be able to translate your thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that you can understand because it's going to help you understand yourself. And that, my friend, is where the clarity you're seeking lies. And yet, for most of us, it's the last thing we want to do. It's the creation of white space, the creation of being alone with the me. Sometimes that can be a very terrifying place. But I'm telling you, it can be the most treasured place within you. So I'm going to encourage you to do that. Start small. Give yourself 5 minutes, 10 minutes. Sit your butt down. Breathe. Bullet point. What am I thinking? What am I feeling? Date it and be done. Do that a couple of times a day. Be with yourself while you're moving your body. Go for a walk alone, et cetera. Go for a bike ride. Spend some time with your own thoughts. Right now with our digital phones, there's always something to distract me from me and we become emotionally constipated as a result. Result. So that white space, getting off social media, giving yourself some time to think and digest and process down. Where the heck am I? What's going on with me is one of the most valuable gifts you're going to be able to give yourself. And then my last thought here. Remember, impulsive decisions and behaviors have long lasting consequences for you and your loved ones. So before you just engage in the old meter, I'm just going to do it anyway. I'm going to encourage you to sit on it for a minimum of 24 hours. And then I'm going to encourage you to tell somebody about it, run it by somebody. Resist the temptation to do it in the spur of the moment. Give yourself that pause to truly think it through. And now, before we sign off on this session today, I also want to give some tips for someone who's supporting someone who might be in this place.

Oh, good.

Yeah, we've got to embrace it too. Some of the same things that I mentioned above. Being able to accept it, embrace it. Yes. It's going to create transformation for you too. There's no way around it. You were in this co creation and when something happens to one person in the co creation, it's absolutely going to affect the other person. So the first thing that I'm going to invite you to do is to be able to speak up empathetically. If you notice your partner is experiencing symptoms of midlife crisis, it's okay for you to say, hey, I'm noticing this. Hey, I love you, but I'm worried about this. Hey, I'd love to hear where you are. I don't care what it is. Just know that I'm here to cheer you on and understand what you're going to through. Those would be really great statements for you. And then you've got to just be willing to listen, which is the hard part. They don't need your judgment. They don't need you to tell them what they're going through or how wrong they are or what label you've able, you've been able to pull out from Dr. Google and slap on their forehead. They need you to understand what they're going through. And I want you to know also that this is going to give you a tremendous amount of peace as well. Do not try and figure this out on your own. Do not not assume or jump to conclusions that you've got it all figured out and that they're just in crazy town right now and you've got to push them away. You actually want to go in the opposite direction. You want to pull them close, you want to let them know you're willing to understand whatever it is they're going through to the very best of your ability. That yes, this is having a throw off on me. So I want to understand it for you so we can together decide how we need to navigate this.

And I would just echo, this is a really important place to where we talk about this a lot and I do on my calls as well is if we can come from of a piece place of true invitation here. So we're asking in a genuine way to be invited into our special someone's midlife crisis rather than from a place of blame and accusation and leverage. Think about then. That's probably going to give us the best opportunity to truly share in this journey that Stacy just suggested. That's probably going to be better for everybody, you and your person that's going through this. But if we don't come up from a place of invitation, I always remind people, isn't it different when we're invited so somewhere versus when we're told we have to be somewhere? Those are very different opposite ends of the spectrum. So the same as if that's how you're feeling when you're being communicated with invitation versus condemnation. Huge difference.

Yeah. Which brings me to my next point. I want you to recognize and understand that biases and how you view your partner and ways these perceptions might constrain them. Like I want you to take a look for those. If we go back to the story that Brooke eloquently shared. Shared. What were the constraints that her loving husband had no idea was being placed on her by what he was saying and how he was showing up. Right. Here he is in his own mind thinking he's cheering his wife on. So proud of her, parading her around without realizing that every time that happens, she's feeling more and more and more constrained and stuck in something that's not working for her. So she decides she's not going to talk about it, she's not going to bring it up, she's just going to try and grind it out. And those little nuances right there are layered. I guarantee in all of our relationships. And our failure to understand and to seek that understanding is the failure that we don't ever uncover the true understanding of what's at the heart of the matter. And that 22% of, of relationships that don't make it, I guarantee you those 22% of couples ended up resorting to some form of. You're just crazy. You need to pull it together. You just need to knock it off right now. I can't be believe you'd even consider such a thing. I'm going to push you away until you get your shit figured out. They're. They're heading right to divorce. That's the moment where if I don't feel like you understand me and you don't get me and all you're going to do is judge me, belittle me, criticize me, we're going to be done. In fact, this catalytic transformational moment is a moment for us to come to a new understanding in our co creation. Not to pitch ourselves against each other.

Because the other person is going to feel unrighteously so unbelievably threatened. Because what they feel is they're almost to the golden place here. Right? And now that rug might be pulled out from underneath me. Yeah. This is a very delicate situation, you know. Very delicate.

By the way, when I quit that job, everyone thought I was insane, including my ex husband, including my mom. Stacy is my stepmom, by the way. So I'm not saying she thought I was crazy, but my mom thought I was crazy. My Brother thought I was crazy. Everybody thought. Thought I was crazy. So I had to. While I was having those intense emotions and knowing inside that I was making the best choice for me, I had to constantly defend myself to everyone who loved me because they thought they were doing the nice thing by telling me I shouldn't quit. You know, it's not an easy road.

Oh, no.

Just so people know.

I think to be fair, probably some of those same people think you might still be crazy.

Yeah, they do. They, they, they do. But that's okay with me.

Which brings me to number three. Encourage your partner to obtain some professional support, either alone or as a couple. As a couple might be a really great idea, because midlife crisis isn't inherently bad. It's a time of evaluation and transformation. And so what better time to do it than to do it now while it's coming up and do it together so that we can evaluate what's truly here for us and how we go forward. I think that would be a really great idea.

Also. Are you going to share the stat about that, about what seeking professional help can do?

Yeah, it's absolutely going to reduce the duration of midlife crisis by up to 50%. Like, it will shorten the time overall.

Well, there's a heck of ROI right there, if I might add.

Wow.

Holy cow.

The next thing I'm going to encourage you to do is affirm successes for yourself and the person you, you love and express appreciation to them and to yourself for all that you've come through, all that you've lived, all that you've created. It still counts. It's still good. All of those wonderful moments and beautiful children and career successes and beautiful belongings that are abundant in our lives. Be grateful for that and say so. And recognize that even though we're going through a difficult time, that we're going to get through this, too. So affirm the success here, even though it might be difficult. Difficult. And be a supportive part and player in the new adventures and the exploration that is going to happen for your partner. If your partner wants to all of a sudden explore, fill in the blank. You don't have to do it, but you could cheer them on and support it. And that's going to create connection and togetherness instead of more separation. It would behoove you to think of those things. And who knows, maybe you need to shake up your own Apple card a little bit. Maybe it is time for you to do that zip line or parachute shoot or go on a hike or go to the car show or explore Some things that are new and different for you as well. I'm going to tell you that that play in novelty piece has the power to reconnect you and to also help you discover aspects and places with inside of yourself you didn't even know were there. So affirm successes, express your appreciation and be willing to take on some adventures and some change. And don't forget to take care of yourself too. Remember what I said earlier. You taking care of you mentally, physically and emotionally is a demonstration to that you are valued by yourself. Don't miss that. And as we're here and you're playing the support role that you've been thrown into at this point in time, remember that as a support role, it's going to behoove you to maintain a very full emotional gas tank. Otherwise you're not going to have anything to provide support with. So resist the temptation of dumping all of your beautiful emotional energy out in anxiety and worry. And as I said, affirm the best show, show up, face off, get help, get support. Evaluate where we're at, where we're going and the role that you're going to play in this. As the support person, I want you to know that there is an abundance of research that shows deep non judgmental listening helps people heal and grow and transform. And as the support role, that is the very best role for you to play. I hope that helps you and gives you some ideas as we wrap up this session. There are some things that I want you to keep in mind and one of them is yes, did you hear what I said? Help and support a community of people who are going through this very similar thing. Reduces the duration of a midlife crisis by 50%. That's a huge number, right? I also want to emphasize the potential for growth. 60% learn valuable life lessons through their midlife crisis, those ones that more than likely I mentioned earlier on in this episode. And I want you to approach this midlife crisis as more of an opportunity and not a crisis. Because that's exactly what it is. It's an evaluation and a reckoning about my life thus far. But listen, it doesn't have to be held in the mentality or the view that the best days of your life are behind you. In fact, you can absolutely, if you'll dig through it and find and mine the gems. Recognize that the best days of your life are actually right in front of you. Front of you. And the combination of accepting the ups and downs of life and feeling less regret about the past is what's going to make life feel satisfying again, Joyful, hopeful again. I hope this helps you and listen Before I say goodbye today or we turn to our Follow the Fun, I just want to mention that we've launched our Tailor Made Love and Limbo support sessions. In these support sessions, we get up close and personal, guiding and walking by your side while you walk through the complex emotions and tough decisions. It's about addressing your challenges with empathy and compassion. And we're here to walk with you every step of the way. So I'm going to invite you to join a Love in Limbo session today and you'll find all the information that you need to enroll in the show notes of this episode or by visiting lovein limbo.com it's time for you to step into a space of understanding and healing today. So for our Follow the Fun moment, I want you to know that connection is all around us. Sometimes we forget that, especially when we're going through a challenging time, we can feel so isolated and cut off from the world. We can feel misunderstood or nobody's going to get my show that's going on inside. Right? That's how it can feel. But I'm going to challenge you to challenge that idea in your own experience today. So I want you to while you're out about, in fact, if you're not getting out and about, that's going to be step one. Get out and about, number one. Number two, while you're out and about, make point of making eye contact today and say hello to a stranger. It's important we have an experience of not being alone. I was and what inspired this? Stopping by two nights ago to get some takeout Thai food. And while I was paying for my food, there was a lovely woman that was standing behind me who just happened to comment on the outfit that I was wearing and I turned to finally face her and say, oh, hello. Hello. Right. It's nice to meet you. We exchanged our names and then I set about paying. And while I was waiting for the takeout to be completed, I had, I knew I had a 20 minute wait, which was fine with me. I. I just needed a few moments of white space for myself. I asked for a glass of wine that I was going to just sit and drink in the corner until my food was ready to go. And the woman that had just commented about my dress said, oh my gosh, what a fun idea. Can I join you? And I said, yeah, absolutely. Join me. Sharp as heck. She got herself a glass of wine and the two of us got to know each other in the corner, there's a fun picture that she took of us as I was leaving the restaurant and come to find out she's a singer and invited us to her backyard party. It's just amazing where these things are all around us and all it takes is for us to open our eyes and connect with another human being in simple ways and then watch what unfolds as a result. I think you're going to love the end experience as our song for this episode is shared. I chose this song because it talks about feelings, which this episode is all about, isn't it? It's all about the reckoning of our emotional experiences as a human being. That's kind of what at the heart of a midlife crisis is. So the song is appropriately called Feelings. It's by Dre Scott, but it also is just a really good feel good song. It's got some beautiful vocals, some beautiful instrumentals and Dre has. He reminds me of Maxwell, babe. You know how Maxwell has that high pitched voice, but he's a very handsome man. Dream Scott's kind of like that as well. So check it out. You can listen to this song on Spotify playlist Love Shack Live. You can also listen to it on our website stacybartley.com it's a great song and I encourage you to play it to give your heart and your soul maybe a little comfort that it might need today. I guess that's a wrap, babe. Anything else?

No. Please join us. This is a place of great challenge. I think the best word that comes to me as I've been doing our my calls this week is delicate. When people are in these great places of challenge and pain and uncertainty, it's a delicate walk. Whatever side you're on, whether you're the one that's going through it, ask for the space, or you're the recipient of it, either place is difficult. It really is. We would love to support you. There's some real power in group. I mean, think about the traditions of sharing in group that I think is a lot of that's been lost now in our more modern culture. So this is what we're trying to do in these love and limbo sessions is let's all come together as a sacred community and learn and grow, grow and get better at this thing we call love together. So I would love to have you join us.

Thanks for being here with us inside of the love shack. And if by chance you've enjoyed this episode, please let us know by subscribing. Also, if there's somebody in your sphere of influence who's maybe going through a difficult time or some of the things that we've talked about in this episode today. Please be a dear soul and share this information. We're really wanting to spread the word to support as many people as we possibly can through this very challenging journey and know that we send our our love to you and along with the power to create and transform your life. May this episode. My heart's desire for you is that this episode helps.

Helps you.

We got you and brings you some peace.

Yes. Yes.

And we'll see you next week inside the Love Shack.

See you next week. Bye, guys.

Bye.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always, always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Sam.