#144: Finding Clarity in Relationship Space: You're Not Alone

Have you ever felt the world pause when hearing the words I need space? The heartache, the uncertainty, the sheer weight of those words can be paralyzing. I truly understand. And if you're navigating this emotional terrain, know that right now you are not alone. Welcome to Love Shack Live, a sanctuary for souls grappling with the complexities of love, especially when standing at its most challenging crossroads. I'm Stacey Bartley and alongside of me are my co host and lover, Tom and I, our daughter Brooke. We've journeyed through love's highs and lows and together we've discovered paths of understanding and growth. We're here to hold space for you, to guide you and to listen. How do we anchor ourselves when our partners seek distance? How do we mend the rifts of uncertainty and rebuild trust? And most crucially, how can we transform this challenge into a stepping stone towards deeper understanding and connection? Today we'll be covering our fourth Navigating Space episode. We'll delve deep into these questions will shed light on the nuances of space and relationships, the healing power of emotional resilience, and introduce you to our love and limbo. 30 day roadmap. It's a guiding light. It's designed to illuminate your path through these challenging times. So if you're ready to heal, to find clarity amidst the heartache, and to rekindle the flame of love, stay with us as we journey together through love's intensely delicate dance.

Hi, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Today we're going to be diving into some of the overwhelming emotions that we can feel in this space as well as understanding the difference between taking space and space with a plan. Now I know that this can be an overwhelming time of emotions and challenges and they present themselves in seemingly a never ending onslaught that causes a once certain future to unravel at warp speed. And it all happens in a nanosecond. The moment you hear, I can't do this anymore, I need space. I need to separate for a while. And it's in that nanosecond that our entire world, everything we thought we were sure of or short of, regardless of our financial place or societal economic position in society, comes crashing down. It's a universal human experience and for most of us, we're going to experience at least one time in our life. So if you're feeling alone right now, please know that you're not. That many have gone before you and many will come after you. And it's time for us to finally get better at Understanding what this all means for you, what this means for your family, and what this means for yourself. And so this episode is dedicated to understanding some of those complexities. When space and the relationship is asked for, I want to first start with some common misconceptions about what it means when a partner asks for space. Our minds scramble in this space to make sense of what's happening. We can come up with, quite frankly, some pretty dastardly beliefs about what is happening in the person who just declared space. One of the most common is they don't love me. And they never did. All of a sudden, all those years together, whether maybe it wasn't years, maybe it was months or weeks, but all of that time together, shall we say, all of a sudden becomes all for not. And we wash it away and dump it out as though we have to sacrifice the whole thing. The first thing I want you to know is those feelings of connection and love that you experienced in your relationship, they're real and they happened. And those things that you co created together and those moments that brought you joy in building this life together that you are now and have been embarking on, that's also real. I want you to know that need for space happens because there's something in the relationship that is not working for a person. And they don't know how to talk to you about it or tell the truth about what's going on inside of themselves. And this brings us to a place where we try and sit on it for as long as possible and then something gives. It's kind of like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It's really nobody's fault. It's more about not understanding the journey and nuances of love and recognizing and realizing that just because somebody needs space in the relationship does not mean that they don't love and care about you. It also does not mean that all of the things that you've created and experienced together are all for naught. That's a lie. And it's one that we need to stop telling because it drives a tremendous amount of unnecessary emotional pain.

We're trying to change the narrative about space with these episodes and with our work. And because everything that I have heard in the media or in movies or in books is that if someone asks for space, it does mean all of those things you just said means the relationship is over, means they're taking the easy way out. They're telling you they need space to do like a soft launch breakup. So I can understand why in the Comment section. Everyone is like, no, this isn't true. It means that they want to break up with you, all of those things. So I just want to take a minute to say we understand why this information may be challenging the narrative, but we know it's true because we've seen it work with our clients. Yes, there hasn't really been a good definition for space or a set plan or instruction manual to get through it, but that's what we're trying to give you.

We can, as human beings, still love and care about the people that we are in relationship with and have been in relationship with and still have the need for space occur. Right. Those two things are not necessarily synonymous. And yes, it is hard. And yes, we are changing the narrative. And yes, we do want to help you understand some of these misconceptions. Again, that's what we're talking about here, these misconceptions in the relationship space.

And. And I think, to be fair, stacking on what Brooke shared, I think pretty much the narrative, Ben, space is space, and it just creates more space. And we are not at all advocating that. And we are. What we're saying is space with a plan. And this is going to be a.

Very detailed plan, the next misconception. That happens a lot. And this is because we're hurting. So let's just be honest. This is not an easy place. There is no delightful emotions here in this very, very challenging crossroads of space. And so it's easy for us to think that because of what they're doing and how it's affecting me and our family and our children and our life and our future, that they're doing it to be selfish. And again, this is our brain's ability to scramble to find meaning of the why this is happening, is this happening? And it's really easy for us to come to the conclusion the person who's needing space is just selfish. They're just thinking about themselves. They're not thinking about how it affects me or our family or our kids. Right. Or our finances. And for me, I just want to point out that also, very often, this is not from a place of selfishness. It's from a place of emotional survival. And we typically push it to a place of emotional survival before we can muster up the courage to say something to address it. The reality in this misconception is if they would have been able to say something much sooner, not later, not sit on it because I didn't want to hurt somebody's feelings, it probably wouldn't have gotten to a place of needing such a dramatic I need space separation. There's lots of skills, believe it or not, regarding relationships. That's a misconception. We are not just good at relationships. We really don't know how they understand. Our model for that is where we come from and the family of origin that we grew up in. And so things that we have normalized in our own minds do not necessarily contribute to positive relationship principles. And yet we continue to act those out until we actually make a concerted effort to learn them. So this is not selfish. It's where I go. It's the simple answer. But I also want you to know that's also a misconception. Does it have impact? Does it affect the whole. Yes. All co creation will, whether we're talking about a love affair, we're talking a business partner, we're. We're talking about collaborations in our communities and in our world. Co creations are always going to have impact on the whole. And there's no way around that. The next misconception I want to touch on here is the idea of making them pay. And this just comes because we're hurting and it makes sen sense and I don't fault you for that. It's not wrong to have those thoughts. But I want you to see that if I'm going to make somebody pay, then I show up as a version of myself that I don't necessarily feel good about in the aftermath. And it creates a tremendous amount of regret and backslide. It also creates a lot of drama. So I just want to point this out that if I believe that somebody has to pay an effort for me to feel better, then we're all going to pay. We're all going to pay. They're going to pay, you're going to pay. And that's what I call the proverbial race to the bottom. So that's not going to help us navigate through this. Right. And then the last misconception that often comes up a lot that we talk with our clients about on the daily is people, well meaning, friends, community members, family members, saying, well, just leave them and get on with your life. Well, believe me, if it was that easy, it would have already happened. But have you ever wondered and thought about the reality that why isn't it that easy? Why isn't it that we can't just let go and move on? Like, what is that about? Tell me about that little piece of human behavior. And believe me, it's much easier to say when you're not in in it and you're standing on the sidelines, watching it all play out. And when you're in it and you care and you've spent life and co created with this person, that is a line that is easier said than done. So that is also a misconception. It's not that simple. I can't just stop caring. I can't just unweave the threads of connection that have bonded us for a long period of time and say, I'm going to wash my hands of this. I guess we're done, right? It does not work like that. I want to impose this idea upon you. Perhaps if I can't let go, there's still something that I need to learn and understand about myself and about relationships overall. Could there be a higher meaning and understanding to the whole thing called relationships? Because I do know this. Relationships teach us to become more of who we have the capacity to be. They flash things inside of us when nothing else does. And so if you want to put your personal growth on steroids, just go ahead and get into a relationship and I promise you it's going to take care of everything. All your fears and insecurities and all your hopes and dreams will flash and come alive. And then it's a matter of what we do with it. So it's not as simple as just leave them and get on with your life. The reality is the emotional turmoil and uncertainty of the other partner can be crippling. And we humans, we don't do well in uncertainty. Anxiety and depression sets in. So I want to talk about that for a minute. I want to talk about why that's the next step in human behavior when we find ourselves in these uncertain places. Just to bring a little context around it and hopefully some understanding for you so that we can recognize and realize we're not crazy for feeling these feelings. They're normal and they're going to happen. And let's understand the why behind it. It. So let's talk about why depression sets in. When all of a sudden my person says, I need space. And I just want to invite you as a listener to think about where your mind goes there, right? Where does it go? It usually goes to some place of trying to scramble a reason and a meaning behind. Well, gosh, was it me? Was it my fault? Was it the last time I did this and this and this and this. Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Oh, I should have known better. I should have done this. I can't believe it. And now look what's happening. And so it's very easy for us to take on the responsibility for the whole anc, for the whole relationship.

I would venture to say that it's not even a question is wasn't me. It is definitely it was me. And here is all the litany of things I did wrong. Most of the time they're not even asking the question, they're just making the determination that it was them. They are the reason why their partner needs space. And then they obsess about all of the mistakes that they made which obviously.

That would lead to feeling depression every time. And our brain and asking those questions will just go and find more and more evidence as to why it's my fault and why I'm responsible and why I've messed it up. And you know, now here's the result of this which then makes me want to resolve it. I want to fix it. I want you to understand where I was coming one from. I want you to know who I truly am and what I truly desire and all the wonderful intentions that I have for you then that then drives the anxiety. If I can just get them to talk to me, if I can just get them to spend some time with me, if we could just go out for a date, then I could resolve of all this, I'd explain all these terrible things that I did and then I can clean this all up.

And that's what makes you want to write those novel length text messages where you're over explaining every single thing you did wrong or what you thought you did wrong and it just digs deeper.

Holes and pushes your partner further.

So can you see the common theme? The common theme is you're taking on all the responsibility of what's happening here because you're making it up that if your partner wants space then you've done something wrong or you've done something to deserve this. And I need you to understand right here and now that is not the case. Do you have a part? Yes. Do we need to understand what that part is? Absolutely. But you are not solely responsible for what's happening here. There are parts and pieces on every side. Again, it's a co creation and what one person does affects the whole and vice versa. So there's always a double duo going on here. That's why the depression and anxiety get the best of us, is because you're taking this on and then you want to fix it, you want to get, you want to repair it, you want to explain it, you want to go in the direction that you believe in your heart. We can go with all of its wonderful dreams. And hopes and intentions. We get into an obsessive spot about our partners. And the reason why is our partners, the more I do it, are going to go, no, no, no, please, I just need some space. I'll think about this later. I'm emotionally overwhelmed, I'm emotionally spent, I can't take this on right now. And so they're going to start pushing you away, which is going to have you obsessing about what they're doing, what they're up to, how they're taking space, and then we can start getting a little judgy about how they spend this space. Are they really taking space? Are they really working on themselves? Is personal growth really at the heart of this? It's like all of a sudden we start second guessing them, like we're going to know better about what's going on for them. But did you ever think that maybe we didn't take a moment to just go, what is going on? Why don't you help me understand what's going on? We pursue this obsessive thinking, like in and of itself, we can figure it out on our own. And I just need you to know you can't. There's information and intel that you don't have access to, that they only have access to. And so even in your wildest imaginations and assumptions, you're never going to truly know know unless they share it with you, which is going to require you to create a safe space to do that. So the greatest gift you can give yourself, and quite frankly give your partner and the relationship, is for you to learn how to find peace. And yes, understand your part, but not take it all on personally as though it's all your fault, because it's not. There's many things to discover and to learn in this space and very often they go missing. And we go round after round after round and then we start making up some terrible, dastardly stories about ourselves, about who I am, about me being able to be a good person in a relationship or about other people. All the men, all the women, all relationships, we start to take those out in an effort to explain what it is I'm going through because I don't understand. And so one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the understanding about the human behavior principles in this space. Because when you truly understand them, they're really not all that mysterious. You start to understand what drives us. And waiting, there's nothing worse than waiting. And so we believe that we have to wait. And I'm going to wait until this person comes back and then that's going to fix everything. No it won't. No it won't. Not anything is going to go back to the way it once was, number one. Number two, the relationship that you've had is over. It's done. We're going to recreate it in a new way, exploring new principles and skills and behavior because that's the only way we can transform and heal this. And you can't do it by yourself. You have to have a duo, you have to have a co creation in order to do that in a relationship. And so waiting until this person comes back thinking that's going to make all your dreams come true is not going to work. I understand why you go there, but it's not going to work. We've got to get busy learning some principles that rudder human behavior as it relates to relationships. All that to say, remember, if space is asked for, it means there are things that are not working for the person in the relationship that needed to be addressed probably a long time ago. This does not mean it's your fault. It does not mean it's someone's fault. However, we all have a role to play because it is a co creation and we need to understand and discover what that is and how it is. We can learn and grow better going forward in a brand new way. So let's talk about space, space for space's sake and space with a plan. The first thing I want you to know is the difference between merely taking space and having a structured plan is huge. Like it's a difference maker. So just contemplate this. Here's what space alone looks like. Space is a survival instinct to get clear about what's happening for me, what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling. I need to step out of the overwhelm of life in order to get there. So there's a natural instinct for me to pull back, to pull within, to spend some time with myself so that I can make some sense of what the heck is going on with me. So the natural inclination for space is a survival instinct. However, just because I take space doesn't mean I'm going to gain the understanding that's necessary for my role with myself and co creating with another human being. It doesn't automatically happen, it has to be a pursuit. So space unstructured is usually because I don't know what to do. I have to this natural instinct to pull back, to spend some time, to create some space, to create some peace and ease around the confusion that I'm Experiencing inside of myself. But if it remains unstructured, it's usually because I just don't know what to do. Instead, what are you supposed to do in this space? I don't know what to do. Taking space. Well, it worked. I feel better. It's starting to ease some of the confusion. So I guess I must be on the right track. But again, it does not mean that understanding is guaranteed. It does not mean that improvement or transformation or healing is guaranteed. It usually just means I'm going to hang out with myself until I miss you and then I'm going to beg to come home. And if any of you out there listening have found themselves in a cycle where we go through rounds of separation, this is why the person comes back. They miss you. They love you. Remember what I said earlier, they love you. Doesn't really have a lot to do with that. They pull out, they feel better. Unstructured space, I. I get clear. I start to feel better, I start doing my routines, I start living my life. And then I find I miss you. So I decide I'm in a better place and I'm just getting to move home. Let's, let's do this. I'm in a better place. We can knock this out of the park. And so I come home for a few months and all of a sudden I find myself right back in that same old emotional spot I was in six months ago, a year ago, two years ago. And that's because the understanding and the healing, the transformation has not happened. It doesn't happen just because we take space. And you are risking a normal drifting apart without continuation of building a connection by nature, entropy will set in, which just means the natural default option is decline. And so without intention or structure, without spending time and sharing, without getting clear about what's working and not working and what we would like to attempt to, to create going forward. If we just create space for space. Yes, I agree with you. There is a natural atrophy of the connection between us. There's no way around it. I didn't make that up. It's just principled.

So if some listeners might be out there thinking, well, gosh, I mean, so I'm supposed to be able to create this very detailed plan when my part partner, him or her has asked for space? Is that an oxymoron? Like, are we, you going to tell me us how to do that? Okay, and, and is it fair to say that there's different varying degrees of this plan? We start locked up with a basic plan when it first happens Then we add some more components to it as we go.

Well, the plan's got to start with you. And then we see how that goes, and then we can invite our partner in. We see how that goes, and then we come back together. We have a plan for that together too. So it's a journey. It's not something that all of a sudden we just put a plan together and go, ta da, everything's fine now, Everything's good, everything's good. You can come home. We got everything we need, honey. No worries. That's not life. Life is always a journey and there is no destination, which sometimes can be maddening, but eloquently. This brings me to my next piece about space versus space. If I have no plan, then panic's going to set in inevitably. Especially for the person who's been asked to just wait while I figure some things out. Out. And here's why. You know why we don't do well in uncertainty as a human being because there's no parameters.

I don't want this point to get lost before we move on to this next part. For the people who are wondering, why do me and my partner keep breaking up and getting back together? All the things that was just said is why. It's because you break up for a little bit, you both feel better, you come back together and you go into the same patterns that caused you to break up in the first place. There's no mystery here. It's the same thing with space. So I just want to point out the reason why we say and are getting to space. The plan is because in order for the space to be worth taking at all, you both have to figure out what wasn't working for each of you. And the person who's anxious and says, well, nothing. I just want my partner back. No. Part of the work here is that you have to be honest with yourself and admit that there was some stuff that wasn't working for you too. Because that's the truth, you know? And I've been in a place where I just want my partner to come back to me. And I will say anything to get them back. And I will say, no, it was perfect. Our love was amazing. And I can't imagine my life, life without you. But if I really am honest with myself, of course there were things that wasn't working, but I feel like if I say them, I'm gonna lose my partner forever. Well, you have to get past that point because there's no emotional safety there. And I think so often when we're Just dying to get our partner back. We will sacrifice ourselves to the bone in order to get them back. And then you're setting yourself up for even more failure because then when the rubber meets the road, the relationship is gonna suck for you.

Yeah. It's important to understand that if you're gonna do that in the beginning to get them to stay with you, you prepare to do that for the rest of the duration for the relationship to work. And we don't realize that's set up very often. I know you've got some desire and some intention and some willpower right now to, as Brooke said, take it to sacrificing myself to the bone. But do you really think you can sustain that for the long haul? For as long as you would like this relationship to last. If not, which we can't, I'm just going to cut to the chase. You can't. None of us have that kind of duration within us. What will happen is you get angry and resentful and you're going to start blaming and you're going to start criticizing and tearing your partner apart because of your lack of sense of self, happiness, joy, ability to express yourself. We literally put ourselves inside of an emotional prison. We understand why we want to do it. We really do believe and buy into the idea that if my person will come back, I'm going to be okay. It's not about that. It's about you being able to find where you stand and where I end and you begin in a relationship. And when it comes to emotions, it's really difficult to decide what's mine and what's yours and what I'm responsible for and what I'm not. Not. It's part of what you need to learn. It's part of what we need to understand. Because that puts us in a position where we can do relationships much easier, quite frankly, with a lot of less emotional baggage and stress. And we can actually dance with the inevitable ups and downs of life because there's no one person that's ever going to be responsible for a great relationship or a broken relationship. Right. We are all humans. We're messy. We're going to make messes. It's going to happen. It's not about not making messes. It's not about being perfect. It's not about getting this all right? That is not what ensures a wonderful life. Life with somebody special for the long haul, what does matter is that you understand how to rudder yourself through the inevitable ups and downs of life. And then from there you can get through Anything. And those are exactly the things that we all need to double down and learn right now. No better time. And guess what? Pain is going to be that motivator that says, hey, hello, do I have your attention right now? Are you in enough pain that maybe you want to come and you want to face things and learn things and, and grow and understand so that you can not only transform your past, but transform your future? And you know what? Most of us say, you know what? Today's not a really good day. Talk to me tomorrow. And it's like pain goes, okay, no problem, I'll be back tomorrow. But it's going to be bigger and better. And we go, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, whatever. Sure enough comes around. And usually that's what's happened when space is asked for. Space is kind of the end of the line for the escalation of pain. We've kicked the can down the road so far, knowing that we've needed to save things, but didn't want to rock the boat, didn't want to be the jerk, didn't want to say so, didn't want to be seen in a bad light or judged for it, didn't know how to ask for what I needed, didn't know how to disclose without hurting your feelings, all of these things until a point in time, pain comes and I just have to do it. I. I'm sorry. And that's the sign where pain says, okay, how about right now? Would right now be a really good.

Time if we use the medical analogy? Because we do this a lot on our show and I think it's easier for people sometimes to get their hair, their hands or their arms around. It is, let's be honest, if we say we go to the doctor and all of a sudden, although it's really not all of a sudden, say we have high blood pressure. Well, to be fair, what got us to this place of now having high blood pressure just didn't happen yesterday, right? There was a progression of habits and things we chose to eat and other types of behaviors that led to that point. It was just the manifestation on that day. So I would attribute this place for space as a very similar thing. To be fair, throw the outliers out, out. It probably just didn't happen yesterday that our partner and us, both of us, knew something was going on. The average couple waits six years even after they know they need help to get help. That's a recent statistic. So use this as a place. And when people get those types of medical wake ups, so to speak, some People use it for transformation, radically change their diet, they start moving and some people, they don't. And it's really up to us to take this so called out of the blue. And it really isn't. So I think to be fair, it's never really out of the blue.

I agree. When we're in space, for space sake, we tend to focus all of our attention on what doesn't work. And what I did. It's a self deprecating conversation about myself and about my partner. We're not thinking at all about what it is I need to do instead that might work. We don't know typically how to transform what doesn't work into some ideas and paths forward for what would. And so we just ruminate and hang out there and I break down, pull away, my partner breaks down, pulls away. So space for someone, space can be very self deprecating. And then we tend to, in that emotional escalation of pain, act out our emotions on each other. Because there's really only two choices in regards to how we're going to handle our emotions. One is I know how to digest them down, speak about them, understand them and take action to remedy them, take care of them, clean them up, or I'm going to act them out on the people that I typically love the most. Those are really our two great options that help us to survive as a human being.

And that's the place where we have conversations like, you're right, I did everything wrong. I, I was the only problem. I'm a piece of shit, you're right, I don't deserve love. Those are the kind of conversations we're talking about here because I've had those exact words come out of my mouth. And what does that do? Nothing.

Yeah, we can even use them to kind of want to hook our partners back in. When you think about it, we kind of use them as reassurance. Please tell me you love me. I'll go, yeah, okay, I'm a piece of. Please come after me and tell me you love me now you know, help me.

Not a piece of. Yep, exactly.

And we set ourselves up for the, the blank stare, right. That almost sickly confirms what I feared was true. And this is an outplay of behavior and interpretation of emotion. It does not mean that it's true. I just want to see how we set ourselves up here. So space with, for just the sake of space. It's probably not going to go well. It's probably not going to go well. Historically, it hasn't gone well, which is why Space with a plan is a much better idea. At least a plan for yourself, especially for navig creating this very challenging space. And here's what it's going to give you. I want you to understand that space needs to be held as a time to do a do over. I love do overs personally. Do overs are a wonderful chance to just, okay, that didn't work so well. I get to scrap it. I get to take responsibility for it. And then in a nanosecond I can go again. Needing space. And space with a plan is very much a do over. It's like, okay, we did some really great things. We want to understand and celebrate those. And also some things are playing out on a relationship that didn't go so well. And so what are they those? And then let's create a do over and go for it again. It's this place of being able to maximize what doesn't work with what does and then going forward again. And you can do that in a nanosecond. Except for we don't think that we can. What we tend to do is instead of implement a do over, we tend to try and cover it up or get defensive about the mess that I just made, or spin it and make it somebody else's fault or problem or like somebody should have known better instead of just going, wait a minute, that didn't go the way I wanted it to. Let me try again, let me just reset. Can you do that? Can you give that me to, to me? And then at a nanosecond we can go forward again and we can practice and get better at this thing called love as we go. That's what needs to happen here. Because space, or the need for space is a time for a do over, is a time to evaluate what worked and what didn't. Because here's the thing. Transfer, transformation is desperately needed. As one client recently stated, look, I don't need a lot. I just need to see a path forward instead of a perpetual death march to nowhere. And I thought, whoa, oh, that was so well said. Because that's what it feels like without a plan is it's just a perpetual death march to nowhere. Like, where are we going? What are we doing? What are we getting better at? Do we understand what worked and what didn't? And do we understand what it is we want to try in order to make the difference happen in the experience called us? And without that kind of a plan or exploration, you are on a kind of a perpetual death march to nowhere. The next thing I want to Point out is exploration and evaluation of self and the relationship of overall is critical to uncover what is possible. We can't just take space and expect the answers to fall from the sky. Like it takes effort, it takes exploration. And so if we just sit around and wait for space to take care of it, yes, it's going to help you ease what's currently happening, but it's still not going to give you the understanding and answers that you inevitably need to move forward in a different and better way. The next thing I want to point out is crafting simple agreements. It creates a parameter. We talked about parameter, I touched on it. That's what makes us freak out and panic is because we're just floating in a free for all spiral. Don't know where we're going, don't know what to expect, don't know how to work on it. I'm just kind of floating in no man's land.

So what parameter be synonymous with a. With boundary?

Yes, some or a boundary. Agreements are a boundary. Okay, so if I create some simple agreements, it creates a parameter for easing anxiety and panic as well as helps us rebuild the connection and trust as well as provides us with opportunities for learning and practice. Practicing skills such as communication, emotional regulation, defensiveness, these things that are probably playing out in your relationship right now and have probably led to the need for space. With these agreements in place, we can get better at love as we go because that's how we get better at anything. We need to practice, we need to learn and we need to have moments and time and space that we can work with to rebuild our connection, to rebuild the truth, trust and to work on this thing called us. Without that again, you're just going to be in space. Literally in space. And FYI, I just want to point out, connection is created when I share a piece of me with you and you share a piece of you with me. And it doesn't necessarily need to be rainbows and roses. It can be the difficult stuff, the stuff that I'm challenged with. The thing is I've got to learn how to take responsibility for what's mine and what's not mine and be able to talk about it in a way that doesn't become become either A self deprecating or B blaming and critical and dismissive of you. And if you're like most of us as human beings, if I don't learn and build a skill base, that's probably exactly what I'm doing. Right? Very few of us know how to ride that very delicate line. Of being able to feel the way I feel and then allow you to feel the same, not as me, but saying I allow the same permission for you to feel the way you do, and it's probably going to be different than mine.

So part of this initial baseline agreement is what I like to call is some agreement around some basic levels of connection.

Then.

Yes. How often are we going to communicate? You know, what's that going to look like? Is it going to be a text, a phone call? How often will that be? Say, in a week's time?

Yes.

These are all things that we need to get fairly granular about.

Yes, absolutely. And just have some simple agreements around, because, you know, when I start working with agreements as a human being, it's going to tell me a lot about myself, myself, and it's going to tell me a lot about how I show up in relationships. And that's going to have to be a conversation for another time. We could do a whole podcast episode.

On agreements, and I was going to say, you know, some people who start this space out in a negative place, kind of like they begin it as space without a plan. Is there a way to transform it into space with a plan? Because the anxious people, the one who is being asked for space, how can they say, suggest to the partner who is needing space that it would be good to put a plan around this without trying to seem manipulative or needy or trying to get back together before they're ready? I think that would be a good thing to talk about.

Yeah. I love that idea. And here's the thing. In order for you to offer that genuinely to your partner, you're going to have a pretty good handle on yourself. Because if it goes from please, please, please come home, everything's going to be okay, to please, please, please, let's just put this plan together. I know this is going to fix this. I know this is going to make it all okay. I heard it on this podcast. It was awesome. Then you're still kind of doing the same behavior. You're just using another crutch or a tool. Right. And so the plan has to begin with yourself. I'm thinking of a beautiful client just yesterday who finally realized the truth of this inside of herself, where she went, oh, I get it. I have to be okay regardless of how this goes. And then when I come from that place, it's a totally different come from. Right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It switches from, please, please, please, please, please, we got to do this plan. I'm desperate to listen. I have this really great Idea that I think might really help us understand ourselves, our relationship, and where we might go from here. If and when you're ready, please let me know. I'd love to do it with you, but I'm doing it for myself anyway.

So there would be the classic demonstration and confirmation that of what we always say, behavior is the benchmark. The behavior is the gold standard. So if you can commit to showing up as the best version of yourself, yourself, that's the only guarantee any of us have, and it will be noticed.

I remember a very powerful conversation I had with my boyfriend, who is now my fiance. And in the beginning of our relationship, I was coming from a failed marriage, and I had a lot of emotional baggage that I then had to kind of play out with Jack, which wasn't the best, but that's how it happened. So I was very unstable, very unsteady, very anxious, super anxious, anxious attachment. Any kind of behavior where I considered him to be standoffish or like, in his head was very triggering for me. And I felt like he was gonna ask me to move out any second. So it was not good. It was awful. And he said to me, brooke, all I want for you is for you to feel that you're going to be okay whether or not we are together. And to me at that time, that felt threatening, like he was threatening to break up with me. And so it made things even worse. And it took me a long time to realize what he was really saying. He was like, I don't want your self worth or your value to be based on the fact that we're a couple. I need to know that you can stand on your own two feet with or without me. I want to be with you, but I want to be with a whole version of you. And I know a lot of our clients and followers feel that way. And I just want you to know I get it. But what Mom 2 said about showing up in a different way is so important because it just shows your partner that they don't have to be like your spine. You know, I'm not trying to be condescending, but when you feel like you need your partner to hold you up to live and to calm all of your fears and be your anchor and be your rock. That's a lot for another person to do. And Jack was simply saying, saying, I can't do that.

Well, I think we don't think about the. The nuances of this person and what they feel on both sides. Right. I want you to think about the overwhelm that. That Might be right. Dealing with ourselves as a human being is a full time job. And some days it's even overwhelming to deal with your own thoughts, feelings and emotions, right? I mean, come on, let's be honest here in the love shack, like some days dealing with myself is something I really don't want to have to deal with. It's overwhelming. It creates a lot of conflict, it can create some struggle. And when we feel like we have to be responsible for holding up another person, it does feel emotionally overwhelming because I barely feel like I have a handle on myself. And here's the next thing I want you to think about. What happens if you feel like you're carrying the weight of the family on your shoulders and you know, inside of yourself you're not? Okay. Where is it that I can have somebody support, support and hold me up when I'm going through a difficult time and I can't rely on you because you're begging and pleading me to tell you how I feel to, to really get down and dirty, to do my work, to do my personal growth. And the person on the other side, I assure you, is saying that's not safe. I can't do that. I've been the one to feel emotionally responsible for the well being of our family. And now that I'm struggling, I don't trust that you can hold us up. And that's what they need, need. And that's why it's important for us all to be able to know and connect with ourselves to such a degree that we can stand regardless of what's happening. Not because it's not going to work, but because that's what a healthy, thriving relationship is. It's the greatest gift you can give yourself. And it's the greatest gift you can give to somebody you say you love is a whole you, a strong you, and anchored you. I call it planting your flag. You know where that flag is planted every moment that you live and breathe. And I can pull it up and I can move it, I can evaluate it, but the choices that I make come through my own filter. And then we can talk about and negotiate and navigate what you need and what I need. And then we can decide where it is we're going to go together.

I just want to add one more thing onto what you just said. You know, to the people who are often begging their partners to be more emotionally vulnerable or share their feelings or tell me what you're really thinking. A lot of times what you just said, mom too, it's not safe. And I just Want to make sure people understand what you're saying. Like, I was begging Jack to open up to me and tell me how he really feels. And all of these. These things, I was not a safe person for him to do that with because he knew that some of the things he needed to say, which were maybe critiques about our relationship or needs I wasn't meeting or things that he wished I would have do to make him happier. If he told me those things, I would have crumbled into a ball and. And like, cried on the floor. So why would he want to do that? Then he has to pick me up and make me feel better when the whole reason he was trying to speak was because he needed to feel better. So I think a lot of times we don't think about that just because we're struggling. We don't think about how that is affecting our partner. And it really is. Because if they don't have the ability to come to you with their problems, there's not emotional safety in your relationship. And that is a very important thing that's missing.

Very much. So it wouldn't it be better for us to know that we're solid and that if you need some help and support, I can give it to you, and if I need some help and support, you can give it to me and we can lean on each other. Yeah.

And that. It doesn't mean that either of us are a bad person if we have to have these conversations. Just means we're simply not meeting a need. Probably because of a miscommunication that you just need to clear up.

Well, here's the thing. If we can't talk about what doesn't work, we're never going to be able to talk about what would because we're never going to find those answers. We're going to continue to just do the daily grind that becomes very habitual until we're at such our wits. End. End. Right. We're gonna say, I'm done. I. I need space. I can't do this anymore. Not because I don't love you, but because I don't know what else to do. So if we can't talk about what doesn't work, we certainly can't uncover what will. And so those are important things. And that's why we need to develop some emotional resiliency and confidence and capabilities inside of ourselves. Because sometimes we need to have some difficult conversations in order to move forward. In fact, most times we do. That's where the gem is. So overall, having a clear roadmap during periods of separation, reduces anxiety, builds clear communic and establishes a sense of well being for everyone. It is a difference maker. So separation and space with a plan I highly recommend, even if it's just a plan for you, a plan for you to go day by day to help you discover and build the things that we've just been talking about. Like that really is the greatest gift you can bring to yourself and the relationship. Especially because you want it to work, especially because you want to do your best. And that's the thing. I know everybody's doing the very best. They know how. I know that. Because when we care, that's what we do as human beings. We really do. And sometimes it's the not knowing what to do that thwarts us. And then we get frustrated and then we take it out and act it out on our partners and the people that we love the most, the least of which is ourselves. I can mistreat myself better than anybody. So it's important that we understand that the greatest gift I can bring is a sense of self, a structured, confident sense of self. And that my friends, is going to take some time and it's going to take a journey. And as I get better with myself, I get rooted it in myself. I have the ability to translate my own thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that first I can understand myself. Brooke touched on this a bit when she was saying, gosh, I did have to have some hard truth telling conversations with myself about the reality of things because the anxiety, the spinning and the emotion was telling me that if this happened, fill in the blank, then I would be okay. Which is an illusion in and of itself. I'm going to be okay. Regardless of how this goes is where we want you to stay, right Rooted.

How?

I don't know. But I know I have the ability and believe in my power and confidence to figure it out. And I'm going to take that day by day by day by day.

So if I'm sold listening and sold. Okay, Tom, Stacy Brook, Space with a plan sounds really good, but I have no the heck idea how would I ever pull that off?

I feel like it may be time to introduce the Love and Limbo 30 day road map.

It's space with a plan and this is why we've designed it just for you, so that for 30 days we can walk with you, hold your hand and help you practice exactly what we've been talking about. The inspiration for creating this is because one, there's so much misinformation out there and Usually this space and the journey of relationships is mired in confusion and doubt. There's a tremendous amount of unnecessary emotional suffering that goes on here too from terrible, terrible narratives that we make up about ourselves and others, from a lack of understanding. And I know that you desire to do good, you want this to go well. I hear it all the time in our clarity calls with our private clients on social media. Like we really want this to go well, but we lack the support and the how for success. So in 30 days I want you to know if you choose to join us for our love and limbo. 30 day roadmap. You're going to be able to calm your anxiety, gain clarity and ensure the self care that you need for the journey is all done for you. Like I say, it's a roadmap. All you got to do is make one decision, get in the car and we're going to do all the driving. How does that sound? Sound one decision, that's all. And the rest of it, we're going to walk with you and teach you and show you, day by day, moment by moment, how to get through this most difficult, challenging place in the relationship journey. I want you to know that there are daily rituals of healing and support here for you. Every day you're going to be required to accomplish things that won't take you more than 30 minutes but are going to make all the difference in how you feel. And also it's going to be necessary for you to check in. Why? Why would accountability be so important right now? Now? Because when we're struggling, it's really easy to fall off the wagon and buy into the illusion that I just need to pull myself out of the stream of life to survive. It's the worst idea ever because if you pull yourself out of the stream of life, you stop living and guess what sets in. Depression, anxiety. And we've already talked about that and you know why. But that's not the way through this. That's a way in, to engage in that race in the bottom. So we're going to help you gain some clarity. I've already touched on it. But your thoughts, feelings and emotions, emotions, those are things for you to understand about yourself. In heaven's sakes, if you can't do that translation, who is? That's work only you can do. And that takes practice, especially when we've not had a lot of experience or know how in engaging with that, that begins to build confidence, self esteem and self validation by just being able to understand those things about myself and then I can decide if I want to share them or not, but at least I need to be able to translate them into something that I can share. Otherwise we're all kind of dead in the water. Water. The conversations and the communication that are there and available for us to engage in, we're not going to be able to take advantage of because we don't find the words and the ability to truly express what's going on for me. So then I just become desperate. So clarity is really important. We're going to build courage. Maybe you didn't know this, but courage is something that I need and I can absolutely develop with inside of myself. There's going to be daily courage building exercises. Why? Because maintaining clarity and a sense of self esteem, esteem through alignment of self is just a good idea. Without courage, it doesn't go anywhere. I have to be able to, when the moments come, show up and do the thing that's probably going to make my armpits sweat and my stomach flip over. That's courage. That's a small demonstration of courage. And it happens every single day with inside of ourselves. And so we want to intentionally build that. We also want to grow that confidence and self esteem. And we do that through building personal integrity and alignment with yourself. We do that through expression and we do that through accountability. We also nurture self care physically and emotionally. It's a challenge to focus on oneself when you're consumed with the thoughts of your partner, let's be honest. And so your self care, your sense of physical and emotional well being usually slides by the wayside. This is the point in time where I don't want to get out of bed, right. It seems dark. I don't want to do the things that I naturally engaged in. And we want to help you through that. There's never a more important time for you to get the sleep. You need to be able to feed your body good food so that your brain and your body can function well. Like you're being called into a performance of a lifetime for yourself, not for anybody else. And yet we're going to eek off, right? No sleep, no food, no nutrition, no sense of emotional well being. And so how well do you think you're going to perform when the rubber meets the road and when you need it most? And so we want to refocus you back to these important, certain critical things. They're going to make a huge difference as you navigate each day. And then the last one is skill building. We've touched on this throughout this episode, but it's so important and it's the place I could not be more passionate about. Relationships are not for the lucky few. They're for all of us. And we can all have them if we are willing to roll up our sleeves and learn the skills and the principles that rudder human relationships. It's time to learn and practice new skills and recognize and address the emotional regulation you're going to need. Need that. Staying out of defensiveness also probably really important. How about manipulation? We're all little manipulators. We really are. That's how we've been raised. That's how we've been taught to get our needs met. It's not going to go so well when it comes to the game of love and asking for what you truly want or being able to say no. How good are you with those things? If you're like most of us, probably not great, probably not good, probably not doing well with those. It's time for us to obtain a weekly skill that we can then practice to help daily. These are the things that are available to you here and why Checking in matters is because we need accountability. It's easy to slough off, find ourselves by the wayside. Give up, lose hope is our biggest challenge. We need emotional connection. Emotional connection helps us thrive. We need it. We do better together. We really do. It's nice to know that somebody is on this journey with me and I'm not all alone here. And it starts to display some of those terrible narratives that you're making up when you start to learn and realize that people, people have struggled with not only what you're struggling with, but sometimes far surpassed where you thought was the end of the line. And you go, whoa, what? Group work has been some of my most empowering work throughout my lifetime. And then the reflection is also available when you check in the reflection of what's working, what's not working. That's a constant narrative that I want to want to help you build the narrative of getting better and more empowered with. If we don't want to look at the don't want. If we don't want to look at ourselves and what's not working, then we're never going to get to the part that will work. We're not going to be able to see and understand where it is. I need to go instead. And most of us miss a huge opportunity there in that self reflection. Yeah, I get it. It takes courage to stare at ourselves, to look at ourselves, to do that evaluation piece. But I want you to know it's one of the most life giving principles you'll ever embark on in community. We need a community. A place where we feel like we belong. A place where we can relate and understand understand to people who are going through the same journey that we are. This deep dive into the daily tasks, assignments and check ins of the Roadmap is where you're going to be able to embrace self care, clarity and personal growth with a daily plan. If this feels like it's something you're interested in, please join me and others on the Roadmap Journey and experiences healing power firsthand. Be intentional about this critical time in your life by stopping the mindlessness and begin to live with mindfulness. After all, this is your life we're talking about, not just some Joe Stone MO who lives next door. It's your life. So join us. The link to discover more information about.

This is lovein limboroadmap.com the roadmap journey.

Begins on Monday, October 2nd in 2023. Together we're going to get up close and personal as we guide and walk by your side as you walk through the complex emotions and tough decisions that are awaiting you. It's about addressing your challenges with empathy and compassion and we're here to walk with you every step the way. So Again, go to loveinlimboroadmap.com to explore the 30 day challenge and I am going to warn you for this first round because this is a very new product that we've just created. We're going to limit it to the first 50 people. We just want to ensure that we are are making good on all of our promises and if you think about it, we get more than 10,000 downloads a month on this podcast. So if you know that this is for you, I'm going to highly recommend that you you get your spot because I'm sure that these spots are going to fill up super fast. It's been a pleasure to share this information with you. I couldn't be more passionate about helping people navigate through this space better. It's been a need that I've seen on the table for more than five years and it's wonderful to finally have something that I can say let's do this and let's do this together. And I've tried and trued all the principles that I'm going to be sharing with you about this roadmap with private clients as well as it's the principles that I use to rudder my own life personally. So I know that they'll work for you too. So join us. So let's have a little bit of fun today. I was writing this podcast. I thought, I'm feeling kind of fancy. You know, I got my little bling bling necklace on, and I got my lacy top, and I just thought, you know what? I'm in the mood for something fancy. So let's just share that with our listeners. So sometime this weekend, I want to invite you to slow down and break out the fine dishes and glassware, whatever that might be for you. Buy some flowers and light a candle, put on some of your favorite tunes, and even if it's takeout, sit down and enjoy it slowly. Eat and enjoy your food and maybe the conversation and company with yourself or someone. I want to invite you to taste the food and fill it in your mouth. Like, slow down, down, and enjoy a few moments of pleasure, because food does that for us for sure. And get a little fancy while you're at it. And our song for this week, we choose a song every week for our episodes. If by chance, you're a new podcast listener and the song is a song of vulnerability by Molly Koa. I'm sorry. I thought it was such an appropriate theme for our conversation today. She writes. I'm sorry that I didn't give it all to you. I'm sorry. Just hold me close and the words will. Will come. I'm sorry. Don't look away. I just gotta say I'm sorry. She has an incredible video, by the way, to this song, where she literally puts a table in two chairs. And then people have allowed her to film them making amends with one another. It's really powerful.

I can tell it didn't move you.

Yeah, yeah. No, these things typically don't.

If you're watching. You know what I'm saying? If you're listening, you know how Stacy likes that. She gets choked up pretty easily.

I kind of like this thing called humans. If you want to listen to this week's song, you can find it on our Spotify playlist at Love Shack Live playlist. You can also go to our website and you can check out this week's song and you can also go to YouTube and just simply look up I'm Sorry by Mila Koia. That's M I L A K O A. I think she's Hawaiian.

That sounds Hawaiian.

She's a beautiful singer. Check her out. All right, that's a wrap for this week. If you have any questions or shares or conversations that you would like to. To have on this podcast, please don't hesitate to reach out to us. It has truly been an honor and a pleasure to be here with you today, and if by chance you have found this to be helpful for someone in your sphere of influence, please help us spread the word by just sharing it and subscribing to our podcast and letting us know that you like this conversation. We look forward to being back here with you next week. I think that's a wrap. Sending you tons of love today. I know this is a difficult conversation to have, but I want you to know we're here with you. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribers subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.