#145: Love in Limbo: How to Anchor Yourself When Love Needs Space (Part One)

Imagine standing at the edge of a cliff, the vast unknown stretching before you, and the only lifeline you have is yourself. It's an overwhelming and daunting experience, isn't it? Especially when the space in a relationship feels like that very abyss. Welcome to Love Shack. Live the sanctuary for those standing at relationship crossroads. If you're battling daily conflicts, feeling a growing emotional gap, and yearning to rebuild a genuine, lasting bond, you're in the right place. I'm Stacey Bartley, your guide through these relationship crossroads. Along with me are my co host and lover Tom and our daughter Brooke. Together we're committed to lighting your path and sharing insights that matter. How do you find your footing when the ground of love feels shaky? How can choosing yourself first become the compass guiding you through the fog of uncertainty? Journey with us today as we delve into uncharted territories of the heart. And remember, sometimes the answers we seek are hidden in the spaces we fear the most.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Today marks the beginning of a special journey we're embarking on together. And over the next four episodes we're diving deeper into the complete complexities of relationship space. I. E I need space or I. E. I need a separation from us. Our co creation. We've crafted these four episode series to equip you with the essential relationship skills you need when facing the unknown in the relationship space. It's not just about navigating these challenges, it's about thriving through them. What does that look like, thriving through them? Well, we want to help you get through them with clarity and confidence as you navigate the twists and turns. As we guide you through these episodes, we'll also be talking to you about our love in limbo. 30 day roadmap. It's a comprehensive 30 day journey designed to organically teach you some skills, some mentality, some ways of doing business in your day to day life. We're going to ensure that you not just learn about these things, but that you truly integrate them into your life. After all, if this space is not navigated well, the emotional landscape of relationship space can create intense pain and the worst pain of all, regret.

I would like to propose that these episodes will apply to anybody because probably guarantee that 99% of the time space is required in a relationship. It's because they they don't know. These four skills we're going to teach for the next four weeks. These skills are essential for navigating through space, but they're also essential for navigating having a healthy relationship. I just want to Point that out. That yes, these tools and skills and new ways of thinking about relationships will help you navigate through space, but they will also help you fix, solve, repair, rejuvenate your relationship.

Well. And you know what? Just because the words I need space or we need a separation haven't been spoken. I love what we said in the beginning, which is if you're starting to fill the emotional gap in your relationship, right? If you're starting to feel like things are starting to drift away, which is normal and is going to happen in every single relationship, then these things are things that you need to consider and contemplate as well. So welcome. It's great to have you here. Let's talk about the emotional quagmire of the waiting game. The thing is, when some person, even if we haven't said we're going to need space, one person wants space, they start to take it. And they take it in lots of ways. I call this in my work bleeding out the back. It means I get busy with the kids because my emotional needs are not being met. I stop investing time here. And it may or may not be because my emotional needs are not being met. It might just be that we've had a child or two or three, and then all of a sudden this is consuming all my bandwidth. And then me thinking about focusing on my relationship with my person starts to kind of drift by the wayside, or let's say my career picks up and the demands of that career or our financial situation becomes such that I need to get a second job to make things turn and work. And I become hyper focused on paying the bills and making this whole thing work because I'm the provider end of the equation. Then I can also stop focusing on meeting my emotional needs and my partner in this relationship journey. And I always call the relationship journey the redheaded stepchild, which is kind of funny because I'm a redhead myself, but it really kind of is. It's like the last thing we think about when it comes to day to day life. We tend to be focused more on the health and the kids and the money. And then we get down the road with that and think, man, I don't even know you. Like, what happened here? How did we end up here years later, sometimes decades later? And it's usually the thing that gets our attention in the very last scene or the very last chapter of life, and we seem to value it less than all the others. It's kind of like the thing that gets pushed off for later, expecting it to be there, expecting it to thrive because we came together and we had this incredible experience, whatever that might be, fill in the blank for you. And just like anything in our lives, anything that we don't give our attention to tends to atrophy. And that's true about relationships as well. And so more times than not, you know, couples don't necessarily fall out of love with each other. What's happened is they've just stopped nurturing the relationship that they once had. And slowly, day in, day out, day in, day out, because it's neglect, it ends up atrophying to the point where we don't love each other anymore. And so relationships, just like our health and our fitness and our finances and our budgeting and all those things that we find important relationships are at the heart of the matter. They're at the foundation of life. And I want you to know that they are 100% responsible for any of the emotional or mental health challenges that we have. There's a relational issue there. Either the relationship with myself or the relationship with others are at the heart of trauma. They're at the heart of any kind of a mental health crisis. And so it's ironic that this becomes the redheaded stepchild that we push off to later, and yet it's the very foundation that life is built on.

Well, and I think, to be fair, it. It no longer becomes a redheaded stepchild when many times people reach out to us, you know, and that's fine, right? So the proverbial house is burning down. And maybe you find yourself in this place if this is how this asking for space experience has you, and that's fine, we're going to help and support you get through this. But yes, as Brooke and Stacy has said, I mean, it's interesting. I remind people when I'm on clarity calls with them, isn't it? All the stories that we read, when people are at the end of their life journey, it's usually always around some type or types of relational regret. And everybody said, oh, of course. I said, well, if that's the case, then if we're going to hack and reverse engineer, those are popular terms we all hear about, then maybe we should get busy understanding and getting better at love now until we're at the end of our deathbed. I think that's a fair place to look at this. Let's not wait till we're at the end. And how about if we got busy now investing? Everyone understands how to be more successful professionally. And yeah, if you have a health interest or a hobby, I Call it the currency of commitment. Time, money, focus, study, energy, all has made everybody successful in these other areas of life. Well, the good news is so it is here. Relationship is a skill based journey. It's not only for the chosen few. That's fairy tale, but I think a lot of us maybe don't understand, understand that those currency of commitment is required here. Just like it is in other places of success. Success in our life for sure.

And we find ourselves in this emotional quagmire. It's usually some version of waiting or crossing our fingers and just hoping that this is going to go well, that it's okay to kick the can down the road and address it when I have time, or when I have the resources to do so, or when I can fit it in. It's the afterthought, it's the aftermath. Or I'm in this place where I'm waiting to see what somebody else is going to do and I'm afraid to do anything because I don't want to do the wrong thing. So we're just going to hope that this goes well. And it puts me in a place of waiting as a human being. And I just need you to understand that the emotional turmoil when someone dear to us requests space, it begins a tsunami of racing thoughts because we don't do so well in the waiting game as a human being overall. So if by chance you're feeling crazy right now because there's been a gap, or there's an increasing emotional gap, or somebody in your relationship is actually asked for space or a separation, I just want you to know you're in really good company. Because our tendency in the space of the unknown is to overthink, over analyze the dangers of our minds. Narratives in the absence of clear communication turn into a horror picture. It's kind of like get your popcorn, get your coke right, what you're going to come up with next is going to really kick your ass. So settle in and start connecting dots that sometimes don't exist into a narrative that makes sense to you. And that's what we do.

Like you said, we have all these questions come up when our partner asks for space. They're pretty awful questions too. Like what did I do wrong? How can I fix this? How can I fix everything? In our relationship, we put all the responsibility on ourselves and onus on ourselves that we're the reason why the relationship is failing. And then we have to basically cut ourselves off from our person because we feel that if we ask any of those questions, it's going to push them away even further. So we're scared to even ask any of those things because we don't want to ask the wrong thing and then have them say, no, the relationship's over. I want to break up. To, like, sever something inside of yourself and just lop it off. But then that leaves you with so much turmoil and shit inside of you that has no outlet.

Well, here's the thing. Left to my own devices, my is going to scramble for answers and meaning, even if it needs to make up a few things. And the reality is, we are human beings. We're not perfect, we're not superheroes, we're not invincible. We're just mere mortals having a very human experience. Which means, yes, there are things that are not perfect about us. Yes, there are mistakes that I have made. Yes, there are times when I have been a straight up, you know, fill in the blank. Any label you choose, go ahead and insert it. Because we all have a rap sheet as a human being. There is no perfection here. We are very, very messy. And so when I'm scrambling for information because I'm not getting it from anyone, then I'm going to implode on myself. I'm going to take those mistakes that I know I've made or those shortcomings that I know I have, or there's places that I know I haven't arrived yet inside of myself. And I'm going to make up a narrative about that, that this is why this must be happening and this is why we turn on ourselves. It's the thing that makes sense. It's the only thing that we can justify. It's the only thing that I can assert some kind of power over. And it's very easy to make sense of those things so I can start racing in and imploding on myself very quickly. I also just want to point out that as a child, in a parent, a parental type of a dynamic, even in that infancy, whether I'm three months old or three years old or, you know, 13 years old, the tendency is to still turn in on myself. Even though the parents are doing some things that may or may not be understood later in adulthood, I still resort to myself as though I must be the problem. It must be me. I must be not good enough, not worthy, not acceptable, not lovable. It must be because I didn't take out the trash or say it right or dress correctly or show up in an appropriate manner. And I just want to point out here my only intention is to point out the tendency that we all have as a human being when making sense of the unknown is to turn on ourselves. Because literally, when you think about it, that's the only thing I can amass control over. And so it's an easy go to especially knowing that none of us are perfect. None of us have it all figured out, and all of us have a rap sheet. And so could we please just take a breath right here and give ourselves some grace?

Well, and I would just add to that, that, let's just be honest, none of us like the unknown. So this is why we do what Stacy just described, navigating the uncertainty of life. It is. It kicks all of our fannies. This is why we go to these great extremes to find some kind of a meaning that we attach. Okay, no, this is why it happened. Well, you have no freaking idea. Because, like Stacy reminds us, we don't have the intel. We don't have the intel. That's why we make all this stuff up. Because we're. It's killing us to otherwise not know. It's an incredibly difficult place to manage on our own.

I think it warrants just saying again, our human brains, when left to the unknown, will scramble for answers and meaning. Even if we need to make stuff up, and we do, we do. It's not. The best possible thing that could be going down is going down now. That's not what we make up. We make up. The worst possible thing that could be going down right now is going down right now. And then I become frantic for solutions to counterpunch the inevitable tragedy that awaits me. Even words and movements are calculated and picked through for their intent and meaning, because I'm trying to search for solutions to counter punch the tragedy that I am sure is inevitable. And so this is how, ironically, we as human beings create a measure of safety. This is also where maybe anxiety or, you know, obsessive compulsive behavior comes into. If I can just make sure that I get these few things right, that I'm going to be okay. I want you to realize it's a thing that our brain does to help us find some safety amongst the storm. It's not your fault. It's not that you're a bad person. It's not who you are. It's how you emotionally cope. And I think those are really important distinctions. So I have to ask you, what is your best lifeline when you're in this place? And here's several of the options that you have before you. If by chance you find yourself navigating some of these things that we've touched on is begging and pleading for them to have a conversation, have more sex or come home. Your best option is persuading them to see your intentions, your ferocious love and devotion for them. Your best option, tracking them, digging through their phone, or cornering them with an onslaught of questions, which usually turns into a demand for answers. This is what we'll tend to do as humans because let's be honest, we don't know what else to do. And hell, we got to do something, right? We can't just sit here and stew in this. That's the counter punch to being able to cope is I have to do something. I can't just sit here and spin in the emotion. We won't survive this, so we have to do something. So this is what our brains come up with and the efforts to ease our troubled souls and pursue what I truly desire, which is love, connection, stability, and the continuation of all that we have co created together. I just need you to know there is a better way. And it begins with choosing yourself first. So as I say those words, okay, listener, you probably just had a reaction to this. Let me guess what it was, shall I? Number one, Maybe it was a laughable disbelief, like really? That's all you got for me? Choose yourself first. Oh, that's so cute. Or how about the dismissal reaction, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, right? I just gotta choose myself first, right? Okay, whatever. Click, turn off the recording. That's total bs. Or maybe the frustration like I used to experience in my life when I would hear things like just choose yourself or just love yourself. And I would think to myself, this is so frustrating. I get it logically, but I don't know how the hell you go about doing that. And if that's the first step and prerequisite to having great relationship, well, I guess I'm just totally screwed. This is typically how we take on this mantra that we usually hold of just choose yourself first, just love yourself and then everything will be fine. This typically remains in our minds as a human being, a self help mantra that does nothing for us until now. Because what I'm talking about today is not just about self love, but it's also about self preservation. It's about clarity and emotional stability. The good news, bad news for you today in this conversation is within you is the only place you will find these attributes. Self preservation, clarity, emotional safety. That's the only place you can find them. You can't buy them, there's nobody you can pay enough money for them. And you also can't Give them to anybody that you love, which has to be one of the most frustrating things as a lover and as a parent to not be able to give the attributes that you see so clear within another human being. They have to find them for themselves. And I'm getting emotional here because I guess on one side I'm passionate about knowing that this is true, and on the other side I can feel the frustration of even in my own life, the years and decades that I have been frustrated personally with these same conversations. Choosing yourself is how we anchor ourselves in the stormy seas of life. Without this anchor, we will, as human beings become tossed around like a ship without an anchor. It also happens to be one of the most courageous things you will ever embark on in your lifetime. If an anchor is not found, it's very easy for us to turn into a crazy person. And I've also had personal experience with that. So this is no small thing we're talking about here. This is a huge thing. It is probably the thing that most of us have attempted to avoid for years, if not decades, the turning and facing of myself. And so as we embark on this, it's not just some cute little self help mantra. It is something that we all, at some point in time, probably because of the immense pain we find ourselves in, will finally get put in a position where we're like, fine, okay, I'll do it, I'll do it. I'll turn and face myself. Okay, I guess that's my last option.

The proverbial we're going to cry uncle.

Finally. Yes. And you know, life has a funny way of putting you in that position.

Oh yes it does.

It sure does.

Very patient.

If you don't know that you can go to yourself for validation and clarity and approval and know that you have the answers that you need inside of you, then what happens? The flip flopping that mom 2 Stacy was explaining. Meaning you will go to everybody else for those feelings. So you'll go to your partner, most likely. Which is why space can be so hard. Because that. Yes, because that avenue for the self validation and all of those things that you relied on is cut off. And then you're like, well, where am I going to get these things? But these are not the thoughts you're having in your head. But this is why you're having the thoughts you're having in your head. It makes you crazy because you don't know how to ask for it and you don't really know that you're looking for it from those places.

But you are.

Because you don't know how to give it to yourself. And it just makes life so difficult and so unpredictable. You don't have that feeling of calmness and grounding inside of you that you could have if you chose yourself first.

There's, there's words that I just wrote read in a poem. It was actually written to a devoted lover. But it's very much on the basis of what you've just described, where it says, you tell me that you love me even when I feel numb, you tell me that I'm strong, when I feel weak, you tell me that I can do it when I doubt myself. And that's exactly what we're alluding to is this exterior validation that I haven't been able to develop inside of myself. And so I need it. And if you tell me that you're tired from maybe doing that for me, then I'm going to panic and immediately fall apart because I don't know how else to get it. So this is usually the quandary that we find when somebody is pulling away and then we begin to panic. And I've been there myself, right? I was in a relationship that absolutely made me straight up crazy. And in this relationship I was just so certain, so certain that this was the person for me for my entire life. And that all I needed to do was to show him how incredible I was. What an incredible catch. I was, right? There was no conversation about what worked for him, or about what we needed to co create or whatever. I was convinced on my own accord and on my own volition, this was what needed to happen. And so I set about taking control in this situation, to prove it, demonstrate it. And this put me in a place where, yes, I did a lot of waiting. I did a lot of waiting. And I was literally on call, at his beck and call, anytime he needed me to show up. And it was ironic because we're about 50 minutes apart. But even then, even though the logistics were incredibly difficult as a single mom of five children, I would be at his beck and call. He would call, I would drive. I was always the one that drove, by the way, the 50 minutes to connect, go to dinner, have a date, and then have to drive back in the middle of the night or early in the morning, whatever was required in order for us to have some space and time together. And then I would wait for the next time that we would get together, we would have the opportunity to spend time together. And in this pursuit of negating myself, in this pursuit of being willing in my own thinking, to do whatever I needed to do to be that demonstration and to take every opportunity that came my way to do it. I literally turned into a stalker. I literally would drive by his house when I couldn't stop thinking about him obsessively. I literally would do inappropriate things to get his attention. I would literally send things or pop out of the blue. I'm so grateful. May I just pay homage to this moment for a second? Because he could have straight up called the cops on me, but he never did. He was always very sweet and kind and loving and did his best to understand me. And so just thank you so much for that.

And let me just. If you're a new listener. And thank you so much for joining us. This is Pre Tom. This is not me. Just so you know, just clear that. Yeah, just. Just a disclaimer here.

Well, here's the thing. There was a moment that I finally realized in my crazy making that I wasn't okay, just as we all do. Like, oh, my gosh, I'm becoming a version of myself that I didn't ever intend to be. I was constantly enrolling him into the relationship. And the realization that I had is that I had better be prepared to do this for the duration of our relationship if I'm willing to make this work. And I thought, oh, man, that's going to get tired. I'm going to get really exhausted.

I'm exhausted just from the story.

I don't know that I can continue to do this. And then it struck me, and this is as I'm coming back to myself. I'm not willing to do this. And if I'm not, then I'd better let this go and allow him to make the choice from within himself to show up for this relationship instead of me constantly being the enroller of it. And that led me to the next step, which I could then see, which is how I had become a version of myself I was not so proud of and quite frankly, never wanted to be. This was the most painful part of all, I have to be honest, is the face off with myself. What have I become in this? Like, how did I lose my way? How did I get so crazy that I'm doing these things and justifying it in my own own thinking, thinking that one more moment or one more opportunity to prove to him that I'm good enough is going to fix anything. All the while, what I'm showing up and behaving as is, I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy, I'm not valuable. I'm Something. And I have become something that I don't even value inside of myself. And the rejection and the dismissal of myself in pursuit of another was what was really painful. Believing that this was going to be what I needed above all else. The rejection of me, the dismissal of myself was the most painful part. We all have a choice to make, even the person that's waiting. And if we buy into these lines of thinking and then justify, little by little, these things take on a veracity where we all have the potential to become crazy makers and monsters in our own lives. We become versions of ourselves that we never wanted to be. So here's the tip. We need to stop waiting. We need to decide to prioritize ourselves. This will not only help you feel better, but it will help you do better. This needs to become a time of reevaluation for the both of you, not just the person who has requested space.

So now let me just make sure for those of us that are like me. Now, wait a minute. So you're saying now that space is never acceptable and our space is something that we can't navigate when one of the persons in the relationship or marriage asks for space. You didn't say that, did you?

No, I did not say that. I'm saying that when somebody says, I need space, great, that's your sign to say, okay, we all need to do some evaluation here. We all need to be able to reevaluate where we are, how we got here, and what it is we need to do differently going forward. So it's a time where we all get to stop waiting and prioritize ourselves.

For a moment by thinking that way. It. Even if it may seem silly, if. Even if you have to lie to yourself and say, okay, I'm not in a period of waiting, it's kind of like a fake it till you make it situation. And it allows you to take some.

Of your power back.

Because a lot of times in this space situation, like I said before, we have to lop part of ourselves up and just let it die so that we don't ask a question or push them farther away or. So you're left with all this wondering. You have to cut it off. And then you're like, okay, what do I do? The ball's in their court. I don't know what to do. I'm just gonna become a meek, little tiny version of myself and not make any waves. No, that's why space sucks. By saying, we're both going to be doing some evaluation. We're both going to Be figuring out what works and what doesn't work. It allows you to take the power back that you rightfully deserve. Because the relationship is just not about the person who needs space. You both are in it. So by reframing that in your mind, you can say, yeah, I matter too. My feelings and my thoughts about these situations are just as important. And so it gives you a little bit of a rebalancing to make it make you feel like you're not just at someone else's beck and call.

Well, and it's not necessarily a lie. I want you to see how we become crazy making is by negating ourselves in the pursuit of thinking that when this person comes back or I just enroll them in these certain ways, then everything is going to be fine. It's not going to be fine. And the reason why it's not going to be fine is in a co creation, if it's not working for one or more people, then we've got a problem we need to address and figure out. Otherwise it's going to continue to escalate and become more escalated, more painful, more dysfunctional. And that's just true. I mean, that's just a human principle here. So when somebody throws the flag, which believe me, is a courageous move in and of itself, nobody wants to be in that position. I've been in that one too. Nobody wants to flow, throw the flag to say, I can't do this anymore, I need space. Once the flag is thrown, we all need to set about evaluating what works and doesn't work for us, not just the person taking space. And like Brooke said, this is where we give our power away. We give our power away because we think we're just supposed to wait. And that's my job. And then we start doing all those things we talked about in the beginning of this conversation, right? Our brains go on steroids, we start putting things together and the net result of that is always going to implode on yourself. Because we're not perfect, because we aren't messy, because we all have a rap sheet. And so then I think if I just change these things about myself, that's how I'm going to prove to you that I'm good enough. Without realizing you're just digging a deeper hole in regards to not being good enough. And now you start showing up in ways that you go, oh my gosh, this is even worse than I thought. Just like my example, it's even worse than I thought. I'm even more of a hot mess than when I started because I'm behaving as though I'm not worthy and I'm not good enough. And the only counterpunch to this I know is to come back to thinking about, okay, wait a minute. They're not the only person that has a choice here. I do too. I have a choice here too. And I need to decide and honestly look at what has worked and doesn't work for even me, the person who was good with how it was going. But if I look back honestly and with a little perspective, I can see things along the way that, oh, that starts to make sense. Oh, that's. Oh, oh, yeah, that's. Yeah.

I know this thought process very intimately. When I started seeing things about my marriage, I'm now divorced, seeing things, I was slowly discovering them over time. Like, oh, wow, this is a problem, this is a problem, this is a problem. But I never wanted to admit it to myself that it was a problem for me because I knew that once I did, it would be a snowball effect and I would need to make some changes in the relationship. And I wasn't ready to admit that. Admitting that to yourself is a. It's kind of like a gate that you have to open. You have to be like, okay, I am ready to have these thoughts. Because it's sort of a self protection mode that you do by not allowing yourself to go there in your own mind, even though you need to go there. But you know that once you do, there's going to be some difficult conversations that have to take place on both sides of the partnership. And you have to give yourself permission to say, I'm ready to do that because it's going to be hard.

Let me ask you a question. Yeah. I was going to say, sorry we talked.

Exactly what makes it hard.

Yeah. No question. And is it fair to say in the 10 years we've been doing this babe, and the people that we've had the pleasure to work with, I would sense most people know in a relationship when things aren't going well. And so as much as a space conversation and I need space comes up maybe out of the blue, it's probably not really to be fair. Most often not out of the blue.

Well, it usually boils down to one person has become adjusted to this way of life and it works for me and I'm good with it. And, and I'm doing my role. And there's things about that role that, or that dance or that pattern that I'm okay with. And so I think that we should, because I am, I think we should, both of us collectively should be able to go the long haul on this premise because it works for me without realizing and recognizing just because it works for us. It's a cognitive bias. Right. Just because it works for us doesn't necessarily mean it's working for the other person. Right. And so when the flag gets thrown, there's an evaluation time. That's literally what the person who's saying I need space and separation is asking for. I got to figure some things out. This isn't working for me. That's literally what they're saying. And it's an opportunity for everybody to reset if we hold it in that light. Where we tend to go because we don't have conversations and support and ways of proceeding with these types of things is I'm going to either attack the person for needing space and not being able to stay committed in it and be as good with it as I am, or I'm going to implode on myself and go, oh, it must have been because I didn't do this right, or I didn't do this right, or I wasn't enough here. And there's a myriad of things that we can all pull from as a human being. From the way I set it to the way I dress, to the shape and size of my body, to the way I think, to the fact I don't want to have sex. There's lots of things that I can start pulling from that will make it go, oh, it's my fault, is not. And then I want to prove to you that that intention was not the correct one, that my intention is truly pure. And I do love us and I'm fiercely in love with you and want to make our family work and all of these things that we have. And at this point in time, it's like, I can't even take that in right now. And that's a really difficult place to be.

But I also think that the person who's being asked for space often will not allow their brain to go and think about what is wrong in the relationship relationship, or admit that there even is anything wrong because they're just so focused on wanting their partner back, you know, so that was kind of my point. There was. You have to. It's a process to even allow yourself to identify relationship problems sometimes because we're so guarded and we don't want to admit that there could be something wrong or that maybe we need to get help. And then our partner asks for space. And we like to live in La la land thinking Everything was perfect. And being so flabbergasted by why they would even ask for space when our relationship was perfect, when we really know.

That it wasn't, we can, as a human being, if I have a rational story that justifies literally anything that might be playing out of my relationship, then I can get comfortable in living with that pattern. So that's how we enroll. I call these enrollment conversations, but that's how we enroll ourselves into patterns. And this doesn't just happen all at once. People say, how could this be happening? This isn't the person I married. You're right. It's not the person you married. These things have evolved over time and we've not known how to dance with them. And so over time, we rationalize and justify and make beliefs up about why this or that is not happening or is available or not available. And I do that to be comfortable in the ever changing dynamics of, of life in our relationship. So I can justify a lot of things in my own mind if I have a story or a rationale for it. I know it's probably not great, but I can justify anything to get comfortable in living in this space. And so I'm going to just say it again. We, some of us have gotten comfortable in living in this space, and others of us have not been able to justify or rationalize it like I did or they did. So they throw the flag. And yet, to your point, Brooke, we can exhale and we can start looking at, okay, what's the truth here? That's going to take some time. And that's why choosing yourself is such a, quite frankly, a put off notion. I want to go through everything else first before I have to face off with myself. It's like, oh, who wants to do that? And so it usually comes about when I literally have been put in that uncle position, which is, in my world, a place where the world is leaning on you with an elbow in your back going, how about now? You want to address this now? You want to think about this now? And we go, okay, fine, I'll do it. I'm in enough pain. I can't think of anything else to do. I've tried all the other options, so I guess this is the place I'll have to go next because I don't know what else to do. And I just want you to know, as painful as that is, that's what it took for me and that's what it takes for most of us to go, fine, I'll, I'll look at myself. I'll look in there and maybe give a little value or credit to that being a. A valuable piece of wisdom. It's usually in a place of intense pain, and I've gotten to what I call the bottom of my bag of tricks. I can't rationalize it, justify it. I can't. And, and these can be moments, believe it or not, of good news, because that is the moment where we can truly step out and we can start understanding things about ourselves and life and the dynamics of relationships and partnership in a whole new vein and perspective. And so, in pursuing this line of wisdom, the steps to truly embracing the choose yourself idea is number one. We have to begin by developing the ability to translate your own thoughts, feelings into a language that you can understand. If we don't do this, then we're going to continue a pattern of just reacting to every high and every low that tends to play out in our lives. And we're still not going to understand ourselves. It's just going to be a place of reacting again and again and again. Developing an understanding of yourself is what's needed. Without this, we have a tendency to want to control and manipulate our partners in an effort to help us feel better in the chaos of our own minds. If I can't go to myself to manage this, then I must control the exterior environment and people with which I am around and live within. That's why I say there's really only two options. I either find a remedy for myself, or I'm going to take it out on others in an attempt to help myself feel better. And that's just a human principle. It doesn't make you right or wrong or good or bad. It just is a way we cope as human beings. So these are some of the principles that we got to understand. And then we can start to see ourselves in the interplay of it. And my hope here is that you'll give yourself some grace, both you and your person, who are probably doing just the very best they know how. That ability is something that we need to develop and take on as something that I gift myself, and then I gift my partner, whoever that might be. Because if I can't do that translation for myself, there's nobody else who can. And if I expect my person to know, which many of us do, then that puts me in that place where I'm manipulating and attempting to control them to get what it is I ultimately need. And I have this magical type of thinking that somehow they're just going to know if I insist on it enough and berate it enough and fall apart about it enough, demand it enough. And the reality is it doesn't make any sense to them. And the reality is I really don't understand it enough for myself to be able to teach it or showcase it or ask for it. That's where a lot of relationship breakdown actually takes place. So the first step in choosing myself first is I've got to be able to do that practice. And it is a practice. It's something that I need to get better and better and better at. And at first it feels really clunky and awkward and silly, like I don't know myself, what, whatever. I don't know what I want. Hell, I don't. Yeah, actually, I beg to differ. Or just translate it into a language that you can tell me and then we'll see where you're at with that. And most of us go, okay, okay, maybe you're right. Maybe, maybe I should do a little.

Well, I was just going to say don't feel bad if like, gosh, I don't think I do know how to do that. Well, most of us don't, to be fair. Because how much time have you spent practicing that skill to be able to share that? And if you can't put it in words and that you understand, then how the heck would we ever be able to be expected to share it with our special someone?

Like can't. You're dead in the water.

Exactly. So that should be great news. So, okay, well, yeah, I probably need to work there. Yes, most of us do.

And the second thing we need to do is practice and learn how to validate ourselves. We've kind of touched on this, but I think it's important for us to dive deep into this topic because again, without this ability, I need by matter of survival as a human being, someone to validate my existence for me as my fears and insecurities spiral out of control. That's just the way it works. Like it or not, here's the reality. I can't get enough of what I don't already have inside of myself. I can't be sick enough to help the sick. I can't be poor enough to help the poor. And I certainly can't contribute to a co creation with love and support. If I don't have it to give, it's going to come off as some form of control or manipulation. Here's the thing. I've got a couple of questions for you right now to help you evaluate how you're doing with this validation of self. Because this can Be a tricky one to get your head around. So here's a few questions for you to consider. Can you give yourself credit and reassurance for how you feel or what you do or did even though others don't see it? Or a great or is that a challenge for you? How about this one? Can you make a decision without the buy in or approval of others? Or how about this one? Can you be open to hearing others and their opinions and points of view and then take that information and make a decisive decision or request for yourself? Or do you lose your voice? Or do you pretend like you agree instead? And the last one I have for you to consider is Can I let go of my need to control others and manage my own needs? When I need an emotional remedy, I'm a hot mess. I don't know what to do. I can figure out what that remedy is for myself and I don't need to take it out on others and I don't need to control others in order to get that need met. I can simply ask for it. Those are questions that help us evaluate Do I have the ability to validate myself or do I need to get better at those things? And if you're like most of us, you're going to probably need to get better at those things. Because what we tend to do is need others approval. What we tend to do is have an inability to make a decisive decision about what I need to do for myself regardless of what somebody else may or may not think about it. I have a really difficult time giving myself credit for what I do and the person I believe myself to be. Even when somebody doesn't see or acknowledge that inside of myself. Those are usually things where I get really hung up as a human being. So I want you to know the ripple effects of coming home to yourself is this. If we were to do those two simple things, translate my own thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that first I can understand, it gives me a tremendous amount of self esteem and confidence and then I could begin practicing the validation of myself. Being able to anchor myself through the unknowns of and ups and downs of life and love. This is going to provide you with long term benefits and the ability to choose and know yourself first, not just in the context of the relationship space but in overall life. This is where genuine self esteem and confidence comes from. It comes from within you, not the control of others. Choosing oneself will allow you to better understand your very own needs and desires and boundaries which I just for the record want to state is where I End and you begin. It is not a power play. It is not a push and pull. It is the acknowledgment of where I end and you begin and. And emotionally, sometimes that can be really difficult. Like, what am I responsible for? What do I need to take acknowledgement for? And what is not mine to pick up and try and fix and protect and overlook and oversee because it's at the end of me. Those are important things to discover inside of yourself. And this is all going to lead you to healthier relationships and a more grounded sense of self. These things that we've touched on today in this conversation are going to take you much further than just being able to navigate the unknowns in life and love.

Yeah. And I think I would sense, perhaps these seem counterintuitive, but when you can really give yourself some time to marinate on them. I always remind people when I'm talking on our calls, like, look, at the end of the day, to be fair, all of us only can truly, really manage ourself. That's the only thing we ultimately have the control over. And so when we're flailing in this place of unknown, which we just talked about, none of us like that. I don't like it at all. Then we're going to do everything we can, except probably what we're suggesting that you do. So this is going to give you that place of repose and the place like Stacy likes to call where you're just bleed. You're not bleeding out the back, man. You're hemorrhaging out the back. Your emotional gas tank is either flickering on empty or it's bone dry. Most people, when I ask them that in these recent conversations I've had, like, tom, it's empty. There's nothing there. So we've got to get some deposits back in. And what Stacy has just outlined for you in the next three episodes, it's going to give you some deposits back in like Brooks, that give you some control back into your life. Like, yeah, you matter. You have a voice in this as well. And I think that's really great news. It really is.

Choosing yourself amidst the storm will provide you with the calm and the sanity that you're looking for. I literally know of no other healthy mentally and physically way of giving you direction at this point in time in your journey. This is the way, especially during times of relationship uncertainty. The quote that kind of sums up this episode for me, at least, that I would love to share with you is the one by Leo Biscalia. Most of us are strangers to ourselves asking other strangers who are strangers to themselves to love us.

Oh boy. Yeah.

And that really puts us in a place where what do we have at the end of the day there a lot of crazy making. Which brings me to this whole thing. Coming to yourself, choosing yourself first. It's going to bring me to our next episode which is going to be the need for what? Courage. Courage to build the one relationship that is guaranteed to last you a lifetime. And guess which one that is. The one with yourself. What is courage? Can you develop it? How does one go about doing it? We're going to cover that in our next episode. And listen, as we wrap up here, I want to encourage you to check out our love and limbo 30 day roadmap which will be a daily journey together as we learn and practice all that we have talked about here today and for the next three episodes. If this is for you, I'm going to encourage you to jump in as the journey begins October 1, which is coming up in just a short period of time here. And this journey will not be repeated until January of 2024. You'll find all the information that you need to enroll in our show notes or by visiting loveinlimboroadmap.com we invite you to step into a space of understanding and healing with us today. Here's our Follow the fun for the day. I think it's appropriately positioned because what I'm going to ask you to do do is to do one thing for yourself. This particular follow the fun has nothing to do with anybody else. Only you. And what I'm going to invite you to do today is to take yourself on a date all by yourself. Nobody's allowed to come. No partners, no friends, nobody gets to meet you there. It's a date for you. Where is a place that you've longed to go or something that you've learned to wanted to explore, long to explore? Where is a place that you just want to go? And is that thrift store? Is it a park? Is it a hike? Is it a museum? Is it an art class? Is it a lecture? Where is it that you would like to take yourself? Just for you. I'm going to encourage you to do that sometime within the next few days. You don't need to feel guilty about it. You don't need to feel ashamed. You deserve it. In fact, it's the one thing that you can do to start reconnecting with yourself right now and have a little bit of fun along the way. So what's your date for you, only you. And our song, I tell you, this one made me sweat. And what I found to be true is we need a song about coming home to yourself that isn't based in religious paradigms. Not that that's a bad thing. I have no problem with that. But for us who are trying to keep it, you know, neutral, I had a really difficult time finding one that wasn't necessarily based in some form of religion. And so the song, I love the words. I love the lyrics, the song itself, the melody, maybe not so much. I just wanted to disclose it on the front side. But the words are exactly what it is. I wish I could say to you today. I selected it for you. It's by Fearless Soul. And the name of the song is I'm My Own Hero. The words are, I'm perfectly capable of creating a life I love. I'm learning to love myself and make peace with what I can't control. This is my life. Nobody decides where I go but me. And I think that's an empowering message to leave you with today, Dear listener, after our conversation today, that you really are in charge of the life that you live. Even though people are saying and doing things that you did not plan on, you did not count on, you did not anticipate. But always remember, you have the power of choice and this is your life too. So say take some time and empower you with yourself. Empower yourself with that thought. You can listen to this week's song along with our entire playlist by going to our website podcast page, or you can find it on Spotify at Love Shack Live playlist. It's been a pleasure to be here with you today. And if by chance you have questions about this episode or shares about how it's impacted you or the thoughts on and feelings that have come up for you, we would truly love to hear what you have to say here. And if this has been beneficial and you're thinking of someone in your sphere of influence who could benefit from this conversation, we invite you to share it, to subscribe, and to pass this information along. There are a lot of people hurting out there because they find themselves in this space. And I want you to know you're no longer alone in the storm. We're here to help and walk with you every step of the way. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the love shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on, ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing Subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.