#147: Why Does My Partner Misunderstand Me? Effective Communication for Couples (Part Three)

Do you ever feel like you're speaking a different language from your partner? Like every word is a step further into the unknown and every silence feels like a widening gap? This can be even harder to navigate when your partner has asked for space or shared that they are unhappy in the relationship. Welcome to Love Shack Live a haven for those navigating the intricate dance of connection and distance. I'm Stacey Bartley, your relationship expert. Along with me are my co host and lover Tom and our daughter Brooke. We've weathered the storms, sailed through the calm and the chaos, and we're here to guide you back to safe shores. So let's ponder this. In a world filled with countless ways to communicate, why does it sometimes feel so hard to truly say what it is we want to say and to connect? How can we bridge the gaps and find harmony in our relationships? Join us today as we unravel the art of communication, turning moments of miscommunication into opportunities for deeper understanding. How about we rediscover the language of loving strength together? So here's the question on my mind today. When words fall short and silence grows loud, how do we reach out and reconnect? How do we turn moments of distance into bridges of understanding? So stay with us as we dive into the art of communication, turning whispers of doubt into dialogues of hope. And let's journey together, finding the words that bring us closer.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Today's episode is part of a four part series. Today's episode is part three. For our listeners who just may be joining us. And as a reminder for those who have been with us, let's just do a bit of a summary for episodes one and two before we dive into three so that we can remember where we are and allow those who are just joining us to catch up and bring them up to speed. In part one, which is episode number 145, we began the series with a conversation about choosing ourselves. First we talked about why it matters and some steps that you can begin to take to build and deepen a better relationship with yourself. Here's the thing, if there is no sense of self within, there is nothing to contribute to a co creation with others. At best, it will be a relationship that's built on pretense and illusion. And so we must understand how to connect with ourselves and how to get complete and in tune with what it is we also need in order to thrive in a relationship. That's part one. And then in part two, which is episode number 146, we talked about emotional weightlifting. And for those of you who are new to my world, you probably don't know what emotional weightlifting is, so please allow me to say this. It is literally the skill and practice that enables each of us to truly utilize and benefit from our emotions, not simply react to them. And we can benefit from them in a way that allows us to feel strong, empowered, and complete. We accomplish this by consistently building and strengthening our our ability to recognize, understand, and manage our emotions and learn to express them in ways that leave us feeling inner peace. And then if that by chance is a mind blower for you, I just want you to know it's possible, that's all. So many times as a human being, the more common is just to simply react to the emotions that I'm feeling. And I think also that I must control the things in my exterior environment, I. E. The people, places, and things, so I can prevent the triggers of emotional feelings that I don't want to feel from happening. And so I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to control things outside of my control, growing more and more frustrated on the daily. And so this is why emotional weightlifting is incredibly important. It's also parts one and two, a precursor to what we're going to be talking about today, which is the role of communication. And before we can do part one and two, or I'm sorry, let me say this again, before we can do part three, we actually have to have a working ability to do parts one and two. We can't just simply dive into communication as though that's the thing. That's the problem. Although I'm sure if you're like most of us human beings, that's the very thing you think is the problem. We don't talk, we don't share. Well, let's just dive a little deeper to uncover why don't we talk and share. And what we start to find is that I don't have the ability to regulate myself when I hear things that don't really work for me or that I don't understand. And we back up even further, I start to realize I don't even know who I am and what I need. So of course I go along with what you want to do. And then realize down the road this doesn't work for me. And it creates a tremendous amount of many of the challenges that we find in our relationships. So part three is building on parts one and two. They're important, and there can't be steps that we forget.

So are you saying that before someone listens to 147. They should go listen to 145 and 146 first.

Mm. You can listen about communication, but I would encourage you to go back and listen to 145 and 146, because I want you to realize these are building blocks. Right. We can't just dive into communication and think that we've got. Oh, okay. I've got these really great frameworks, and I've got these really great phrases that I'm going to give you today to say what it is you need to say. Because the whole thing is going to go sideways the minute somebody says that. A, something that's not part of the framework I'm giving you, and B, you find them saying things back to you that you don't know how to regulate yourself around.

So it will be tempting to just think that you can dial in on this one, because I can tell you that or share with you that I. And I think Stacy and Brooke would concur that the 95% of everyone that reaches out to us would list communication as one of the top two or three issues that's going on between them and their special someone. And so it's easy to default. And, yes, that is a problem. But 145 and 146 are going to let you understand before we can even get to communication. We've got to get you solid in these two places first. These two episodes, what we talk about.

Well, and I think the reason that we cite communication as the problem is because intuitively, as a human being, we know that if we're not talking, then we're not connecting. And what we feel and what we sense in our relationships is this breakdown of emotional connection between us. And I know how we created it in the first place, intuitively, is that we talked and we shared a lot, a ton. So it's easy to point to the communication as the problem without realizing the principles of relationship have to go all the way back to the relationship with myself. And sometimes that's not a very welcoming thought. It's like, come on, come on, just give me the communication. Let me shortcut this thing, you know, Let me hack it.

Right?

And I'm saying, when it comes to our relationships, which are the most emotional journey you will ever embark on, there aren't a lot of hacks. But you can learn and understand the principles and then learn how to apply them. And that's going to take you much further than trying to hack.

And I would say that is the hack. That is the hack. To really understand how we're wired as humans. It's not as confusing, I think, as we're often led to believe. And once we can get you grounded there, then all of the dots really start to connect faster. And we hear this all the the time, so stay with us.

Yeah, let's start with communication. Then we've shared with you where it is we would like to point you instead. But while you're here, let's talk about communication. Let's give you what it is you need to know and understand to improve your communication. And then, of course, as we've already said, encourage you to strongly go back and check out those other two building blocks. The reality is, words are clunky. They really are. This is why we often stop talking when things become challenging in our relationships. We don't know how to truly say what it is I need to say in a way that it translates to you. And the reality is I could say a word, a simple word, and it could be translated in many different ways based on the experiences that I've had as a person and an individual. And my reference points to that word. And so you could say, for example, the word elephant or flower or car, and we're all going to have an emotional response and. Or a relationship with that object. Images, memories, et cetera, that come up for us in just that simple word.

We just did that in our roadmap opening call and it was amazing. We used a pen and a cup and you couldn't believe the differences of what came up for people. A pen and a cup listener. I mean, come on, those are pretty basic objects in our life.

And now you start to think about trying to share complex emotions that nobody is feeling but you and expect that to translate and that somebody's supposed to understand what is going on inside of you. What we tend to do is dismiss them. If I don't relate to it as a human being, then I'm going to simply dismiss it. Oh, don't worry about that. That's no big deal. Get over that. That's not. That's not a problem. And you're like, what? This is really something that's important or valuable to me or something that's really hard or difficult for me? I can't believe you're just sweeping me aside and then we can start to make up. You're so insensitive. You're so cruel. You're such a narcissist. You're such a power and control person. And what it is, is really very human of us. If we don't relate or understand or have some link of association to what it is you're saying is you're sharing logically and emotionally. I have this tendency as a human being to just dismiss it like, yeah, don't worry about that. That's no big deal. Without realizing. And when I do that, the person that I'm just trying to help, the sweetheart messages, I'm trying to help you feel better, help you get on with things, help you realize it's no big deal because it's not for me from my perspective. So here's what I do. Just do that and you're going to feel better. We don't realize what we're doing is we're actually dismissing the experience the, the person is having right now. And it would behoove us to, to learn in our communications to say, wow, I don't really understand that, but tell me more. What's that like for you? And that's why that works so well, is because I'm suspending what I think I know about what this person is going through. And I'm truly, in that statement, admitting I don't. And let me just walk with you for a moment. And that's truly empathy. I don't understand what you're going through. I really don't. I've, I, I'm, I've not been through it myself, but I'm willing to understand and allow you to share that with me. Me. So let me walk with you as you tell me about your story. And we're not very good about that as human beings. In fact, we don't, in my opinion, have enough conversations about this. And so we compete for whose emotions and thoughts around these items are more valid than the others. And that's where, if you start to really think about it, our fighting happens. Right? You don't understand where I'm coming from. Yeah, I know. And you don't understand where I'm coming from. Okay, well, you understand where I'm coming from. Take a minute and do that. You know, screw you. No, I did that last time. You understand where I'm coming from. And now we, we have a really good revolving fight on our hands. So when this becomes so challenging and we realize we're in a cycle of fighting, or we've called a truce by saying, I can't do this anymore, I need some space to figure out what the reality is. Because if my world is so chaotic right now, I, I don't know what ends up. I want you to see it as a real sweetheart Message what's happening here is we're all erring on the side of caution because a couple of things have happened. Number one, I've got tried to communicate with you. I've tried to sincerely share with you what's happening for me, and it's been dismissed. And number two, maybe in the dismissal, we've even fought about it. And the reality is I don't know what else to do. Right. I don't understand how we get here, number one. And number two, I don't know what to do instead. So you know what my best option is as a sweetheart message is I go silent. I say nothing because I'm afraid and terrified that the thing that comes out of my mouth is going to be the next thing that sends us into a fight or the next place where yet again you feel dismissed. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to create what it is I would actually like to see happen. So I'm going to go quiet. I'm going to stop in hopes that that will take us to a better place.

I remind people often, like, it's many times just kind of that last gasp of air, so to speak. I mean, it's all that we have available in our limited toolbox, metaphorically speaking. And so we know if we continue down this place where it's not going well for either of us, I've got to take literally some space, some physical, like, I cannot do this anymore. I'm seeing this is going nowhere fast. The race to the bottom, as Stacy likes to say often. So it's just many times because we have a limited skill set as what other options are available for me when not we're not doing well.

I'm gonna throw out a pop quiz here. What is the missing piece in everything I've just described? What is lacking in the communication that we desperately need?

We're going to put Brookie on the spot here.

Emotional safety.

And in that emotional safety, what is my goal? The only one goal for communication overall?

To be understood.

Understanding.

Yes. Look at us.

Thank gosh, we passed the test.

I would actually say maybe there's two goals. Just because if people don't understand what emotional safety is, which that's understandable if you're a new listener, perhaps, and thank you for listening. Yes. It's to give the permission and safety to your partner to show up and share how they're thinking and feeling without judgment. It's to understand. But having that emotional safety part creates the environment for both of you to Feel understood.

Yes.

What do you say, babe?

And we're going to talk about building safety here in just a minute. But what I'm trying to highlight here is effective communication means we make an effort to understand first ourselves. Yep. We have to be able to translate our own thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that I can understand so that I can share it with you. And then I need my partner to do the same. And then I'm going to need to be able to find a place where I am willing to listen and seek the understanding from my person. And that's what reestablishes the connection and the safety that you are so longing for.

So there's a. There's an exchange going on here. And what Stacy just described, there's an exchange which oftentimes that exchange is not happening else prior to this.

Think about it. Like. Like good lovemaking.

Yeah.

If we don't give and receive, it's not going to be great sex. It's not going to be great lovemaking. Right. Somebody gets stuck on one side or the other, it's not good. We want to be able to do both. And so it is with communication. We want to be able to do both. Give and receive the information that's being circulated back and forth. And very often our communication patterns will turn into cycles of power and control instead, where somebody is given all the power and somebody is going along with it. And now we're practicing something that doesn't serve anybody. In fact, we're back to, as Tom had said earlier, that race to the bottom. We must be willing to invest the time and attention to understand our partner. Hence, realize communication is truly for understanding. And once we get to understanding, the next steps will unfold. Your thinking sounds simple enough, but why is it so difficult? Right. This all sounds so simple. Just seek understanding. You're going to be fine. Build. Build emotional safety. No big deal. It's because nobody's listening and everybody is talking and reacting. That's where communication breaks down. Who's listening? I say that in my private sessions a lot. Who is listening? And what you'll find in those moments is nobody's listening and everybody's trying to push their point of view and perspective on the other. If nobody is listening, then there cannot be any effective.

I mean, it's interesting. If we were to wait and let the speaker, our special someone, speak and share first, then we won't get our opportunity. And maybe that has been the case in the past, I think. Would you say, babe, that's why it's so no, no, no, I gotta go first, you know, because otherwise I'm not gonna get my piece out right?

So just realize and recognize that cannot happen unless you personally allow it to. Because you have the power within you to come back around and say, hey, you know what? I've listened to you, I've done a. I've done my best to try and understand where you're coming from. I would really appreciate you doing that for me now. But we don't. So we just let it slide like it's meaningless. And in that I'm saying I'm meaningless and what I have to say isn't important. And that's the beginning of setting up that power and control cycle where somebody's calling the shots and I'm playing along because I don't want to rock the boat. I've lost the ability to advocate for myself. And we're going to go through these building blocks of communication step by step and asking for what it is I want and need is a part of that. Because we cannot lose our voices here. If we lose our voices, it's very easy to turn into some kind of a power and control position. And then I find myself going along with a whole bunch of things that I didn't necessarily feel good about or desire in the first place. But I do it for us. And we think that that's unconditional love. And it's not. It's actually the sacrifice of ourselves and our relationships. The reason why is I show up in my relationship as good as I feel and if I don't feel so good in it because I'm falling apart, I'm feeling dismissed, dismantled, criticized, less than unworthy, then I'm going to show up like that. And so that's not going to be a good co creation either. You deserve a place in this co creation and it's on us to make sure that that is a placeholder, that there is a place for us. And we struggle with that as a human being. So let's go back to emotional safety as the first building block of communication. Now that you kind of have an overview like high level vantage point in regards to the things that we're going to be talking about and why we're going to be talking about them. Building emotional safety is absolutely first. I did a lot of industrial work in my previous life and I can't even tell you how many safety meetings I've sat in or the whole mantra is safety first. And so when we talk about safety, that's always where I go back to, you know, safety first. You know, before we do anything, safety first, think about safety. And it is so true when it comes to our relationships. I want you to also understand the Gottman Institute of Relationship Research has concluded that the first three minutes of a conversation will determine the overall outcome 96% of the time.

Wow.

Like the way you set this thing up is going to determine the outcome three minutes in. If it doesn't go well in the first three minutes, it's probably not going to go well at all.

With almost 100%. That's a pretty powerful statistic there, you know?

I mean, so the way we begin our conversations is exceptionally important. So how should we begin? In my world, I would say with fairy dust, of course. And what is that? Fairy dust is on the onset of having a difficult conversation or navigating space or trying to decide and understand what's next and where are we going going. I want to open that conversation up by saying a couple of things. Number one, I want to hear you. I want to hear what you have to say. I have some things to say, but I'm also willing to hear your side. Number two, I know there are good things as a part of our relationship, too, not just bad, even though we're going through a difficult time. So I want you to know I really appreciate all that you've done and all that you continue to strive to do in our relationship. And number three, you matter to me. Even though sometimes, man, do you drive me crazy. And I just want to yell and scream. I just want you to know, at the bottom of it all, I love you. And that would be the best way you could set your relationship up for success right out of the gate. It also happens to be a really great way to create that emotional safety we've talked about. What's emotional safety? It's the ability to feel the way I feel and think the way I think there's safety and permission there for that to happen. And then I give that gift to you, too, because I recognize that we're not the same. We're not going to see it the same. We come from different backgrounds and experiences. And guess what? I'm going to honor that by recognizing I just want a chance to be heard and understood. And then I'm going to give that to you as well. So we start with fairy dust because we want to hedge our bet on that 96% success rate. I can also say, to create safety, things like this, is there anything that you would like to hear from me before we begin that would Help you feel safe, safe enough to share. And then I'm going to serve that up to you because I want this to go well. I want us to have a productive conversation.

What might that sound like from, say, the op. The person that you asked that? What might that sound like?

I need you to not react to what I'm going to say. I need you to not judge me for the things that I'm going to disclose on the table. I would ask that you hear me out instead of jump in and cut me off. Those are the things that would really help me feel safe. Great. Awesome. I can do that. I can commit to doing that. Also. What it's giving you is what this person needs in order to open up and share with you, recognize what's happening here. You want to have a conversation, well, then get clear about what it is they need and how we need to set it up so they will open up and share instead of you just doing all the talking in the form of begging and pleading and coercing and cornering, pulling up evidence as to why they owe it to you or they're entitled to it and instead ask, what do you need in order to feel safe enough, opening up with me? And if you don't know, then I would ask that you spend some time and come back to me and we'll have a conversation another time.

Yeah. And I would just stack on that to. It would be my sense that if you're not able to have these conversations and most of us can't or don't be, simply don't better because we've not had a lot of training and modeling how this goes. My point here is, though, we want to set this up so it gives the environment and it gives the space to have it. If you're not able to have these conversations, it's probably because you're doing a lot of things that you or your partner has chosen to try it once or twice and it didn't go well, and you think, oh, heck no, I won't be doing that again. Right. So everything that Stacy's sharing with us is going to help fertilize and create a new experience of a place that quite frankly, scares the bejesus out of all of us.

It does.

To potentially say what we need to say and we've not been able to say it, maybe ever for a long time or ever in our whole life, is unbelievably scary. So we have to do everything we can to spread that fairy dust and to be congruent with what we say we're going to do and follow through and create what I like to say, create the conditions that make the result inevitable. And so environment is crucial here. Set this up for a win.

What sacrifices emotional safety? Let's go the other direction. What sacrifices the emotional safety that now you probably understand is important, Right? And if we were to all think about places where we open up and share, it's because we feel safe to do so. And as a human being, if I don't feel safe, I'm not going to say I'm gonna go along and I'm gonna do a little surface talk and I'm gonna go so deep. But you know what? That's as far as I'm gonna go, because I don't feel safe. So what compromises the emotional safety?

Nine times out of ten, rookie, your question again.

Defensiveness for sure.

What does that look like? I have a fun little phrase that says I just straight up lose my anytime I'm going to lose my shit. Regardless of what we label it. I've just sacrificed the safety and the conversation is going to shut down.

So what does that sound like? Give us an example.

Someone could say, hey, you're not meeting my needs in this way. Your partner could bring that up in a nice way, and instead of you accepting it in a nice way, you could make it all about you and defend yourself to the death and say, no, I do do this for you, and I do this for you, and I do this for you. And that wasn't the conversation that was being had in the first place. And it just totally takes it off the tracks. And then your partner doesn't want to ever have that conversation again with you.

Or I could, like, react and go, oh, my gosh, I can't believe we're gonna go there. I can't believe you're gonna bring that up again. Aren't we done with this? Why can't you just move on? Okay, what am I doing? I'm attacking. The reason it's coming up again is because it hasn't been resolved. If it's been resolved for you, it hasn't been resolved for the other person. So guess what? They're gonna sit on that. They're going to sit on that and they're going to feel unheard and they're going to make up a whole narrative about you that they can't share or ask or be with you. Because every time you bring it up.

This is what happens. Yes, because you do all these things. I'm not going to do that. So that's what I mean. You, we have to be willing to hear some things that may push our buttons and that this is part of the process. And so if we respond the way we always have, we'll probably be fair. We'll. We'll get what we always have. Got well.

And we all know when we're getting spun up or we're shutting down, we're trying to avoid and get the heck out the back door and it's okay. What we need to learn to do is disclose it. Like, I. I'm sorry, I can't hear what you're saying anymore. I've stopped listening. I want to run. This is really hard for me to be here or I'm going to lose my. And let's take a pause. Like the power of a pause in these moments would be so well served if you would just simply disclose it without sacrificing the emotional safety. Instead, what we do is we just take it for as long as possible. We start saying and doing and behaving in ways that even us, ourselves feel embarrassed and ashamed of on the backside. When we look back tomorrow morning or tomorrow night over what we just said and did and the disappointment of still not being able to reach and achieve those places of understanding and connection and communication continue to thwart us as the canyon and the gap between our connection continues to grow. And this is how it happens. I have to be mindful of not losing my shit or not collapsing and trying to avoid it or dismiss it. I have to just say this is where I'm at and I can't continue. I'm not listening anymore. Great, we can deal with that. When it comes to the communication, just be honest about where you are and pause the conversation, which sounds really simple, but as it's playing out in real time, I'm just going to let you know it needs practice because it's really hard to stop.

And so everything you've described with all those sentences and ask and request and such, those would all be examples of emotional push ups.

Yes.

There you go.

Yep. That's why you need to know emotional weightlifting and know how to do emotional push ups before you can get really good at communication. Because if you don't know how to do that, the communication is probably going to be that that we've just described. Right. Somebody starts, oh, you're all right. Okay, okay, okay, I'm gonna listen. I'm hear you out. And then they start talking and then you stop listening because your brain's pinging all over the place. And Then you have to react. You just got to say something. You can't hold it in anymore because I don't have a lot of emotional strength. So I blurt out, I attack, I say something and the conversation shuts down and nobody wants to talk. And then to bring that back around after the emotional safety has been sacrificed is really, really difficult. As opposed to saying, you know what, I'm starting to spin up, I'm not listening anymore. I'm gonna pause right now and let's come back around tomorrow morning over coffee or tomorrow night when I've had a chance to calm down and get clear about what it is I truly wanna say and what just happened for me. And then we think of communication as rounds. Just like a workout, just like an emotional pushup. Know that every round that we embark on, regardless of whether we get through it and make some decisions, every round teaches us something about ourselves, about our partners, about our relationship, about what's possible. And we are looking for the next round, not a shutdown conversation. Okay? That's the win. We've been taught in our culture and in our society that we have one chance, especially when the subject gets put on the table, we've got this one shot at it. And I want you to know that's a terrible way to think of communication. Sometimes it's going to take us 50 rounds to make some progress in a direction that works and serves us all and take the 50. Don't try and do it all in one. Right. Pausing is okay as long as I don't use it to like bury things under the rug. So declaring when we're going to come back and actually talk about it and address it, you can start to see is key to keeping also the emotional safety in it. Don't lose my and declare when we're going to come back around.

What would you say? Just generally speaking, I know there's, it's many, many different special circumstances, but like timeline hours, when would be kind of a generally accepted time to revisit this.

Well, there's only one person who can decide that and that would be the person who's shutting down or the person who spent.

But if they said like next week, is that maybe out of maybe that's a little bit it too long, I.

Maybe would assert you don't need to wait that long. That would be more of responding out of fear. Gotcha. We can usually calm ourselves down within a good 12 hour period or 24. You might want to take a day and really think about it. But a week that Just tells me you're trying to avoid the conversation altogether. But there's only one person who can decide what it is you truly need. And now you understand the first building block of understanding and knowing yourself. Because if I don't know what that distinction is and how much time I do need, well, I'm not going to be able to navigate through that very well, am I? So how much time do you need? You have to know that answer. And I also have to know what to do next after I have tapped out and created a pause to go and find my answers inside of myself. Because simply reacting again and again and again is not going to take us anywhere. Good. That's probably what's led you here.

Right?

Right. So I want to go and be able to find those answers and why am I thinking and feeling this way? And these are the things, things that I'm going to bring back to the table to share, to explore. Right? To understand, so that we can find a better way through this. Okay. I'm going to also just touch on speaking and sharing. I think we've covered emotional safety. That really is the big crux of communication. But I'm going to touch on a couple of things here that we do cover in the roadmap that are important for us to understand and know. And the second one is the speaking and listening. I touched on it in the beginning of our conversation. But truly, if there is not a listener in the equation, we're not making any progress. In fact, you can rest assure yourself that we are spinning into a fight and we're going to begin, given enough moments to say and do things that we don't really mean in our exasperation and frustration of not being able to get to a place of understanding. And so it's really important that we identify a listener and a sharer. I want you to think about what typically happens right now. There's probably two people wanting to share and nobody's listening. Because here's the deal. Listening is the more difficult side of the equation. So everybody wants to be heard, but nobody's willing to do the hard part, which is the listening part. What does listening mean? It means I'm doing everything in my power to hear what you're saying, so much so that I can repeat it back to you. I am listening that intently, and at any point in time, I'm not listening. Here's what's going to happen, and here's why it's hard. You start to say things, and then my brain starts to go all kinds of Places. I'm going to start to defend myself. I'm going to start to decide how it is you got the details you're sharing with me all wrong. I might even get hung up in the words that you're using. Please don't interrupt the person that's sharing by saying you just used an incorrect word, you said it wrong. All you're highlighting is that you're smart and it's going to feel like an attack. And worse yet, what you have just stopped is the emotional sharing and digestion and the understanding of the other person. Don't do that. That's why interrupting somebody while they're speaking and sharing, it's literally painful. I'm sure all of us can identify with that. There's this abrupt stop when somebody interrupts you from talking and you've just stopped. My own connection with my thoughts and feelings, I'm literally digesting it down.

So we're in this place and would it be appropriate if neither one of us is sure who's going to start first? In which role? Would we want to identify that before we continue?

Absolutely. In fact, when you start to practice listening, sharing, in fact, if you really this to go well, set the stage with some fairy dust and then literally decide who's sharing and who's listening first. Okay. Make it something that's very, very slow paced and very intentional. Okay, I'm going to listen first. I'd like you to be the sharer. Right. Would you please help me understand what's happening or what's going on for you? And I'm going to listen so much so that when you're done sharing, I can repeat it back to you. Okay. Now you're gonna find, just like I said, your brain is gonna go all over the place. That's gonna be the challenge. That's the emotional weightlifting part. Right? That's the wrestle of the listener, is I have to know that I'm going to have my turn. It's not about me right now. It's about me understanding another human being. And so I have to relinquish that, which is really difficult for us. Great practice, though. If you become a good listener, you have all the intel in the room, you know how you feel about it, hopefully. And all that's going to happen is then you're going to know how everybody else feels about it so you have the full picture without stepping into trying to make massive decisions in your life and your relationships thinking you've got all the answers when the reality is you don't because you're not listening. There's no way that's even possible because you're not listening. Okay. And then trust and know you're going to get your turn. Why? Because you're going to advocate for it. That's why you're going to ensure that it's a request, not a demand. It's a request. And if I give it first, you know how much more likely somebody is willing to listen to you when they feel heard. No problem. Absolutely no problem.

I mean, that. That's the power of reciprocation. I mean, it's proven so.

So we say give first and give fast. Be the listener. Offer to be the listener first and let somebody else share to the degree you can repeat it back to them for the sharer, the person that's sharing. Try and get as succinct and specific as you can. Because listening is so hard and it takes a tremendous amount of bandwidth and.

Effort and brain power.

Yes, it's really difficult. Please don't go on and on and on. Please just get to the point. Tell me where you're at.

So be succinct.

Be succinct and specific, which we don't do a very good job. That's also something we're going to practice in the road map, and we do practice on the roadmap because we want to explain why and how I got there. And believe me, that is so not needed. Just tell me where you're at and what you need, please. The rest of that, just work through on your own if possible.

That's the proverbial backstory that we all think is so crucial.

Yes. And we don't need to explain. In fact, explaining is almost an exam. Not almost. It very much highlights sometimes that I need to explain and justify what I'm thinking and feeling. When I don't. The fact that you're thinking and feeling it is enough. It's enough. End of story. Just disclose what it is. You don't need to justify it. You deserve to think and feel the way you do.

Well, and would you say, babe, that that backstory is. Because a lot of those conversations prior to what you're advocating and teaching is why we think we have to do that. You're earning your place in the room, so to speak. But you don't need to do that here because we're setting it up for. It's a very different game that we're proposing here. And so you can cut all that out and it's going to be much more effective.

Yes. And then the art of asking is something we've got to get good at. I'm just going to touch on it here. But asking is not something we're very good at. That was probably taught out of us when we were younger, say 2, 3, 4, where we were very good at asking, I want that, I want that, I want that, I want that. And.

And typical response was, what do you think the world revolves around you, Johnny?

You just think you get everything you want, you know, and the thing that I wanted, I even did this as a parent. Like, what's so irritating about somebody asking? Has anybody ever thought to ask themselves that question? My answer to that question, when I would get so irritated when I take my six children to the grocery store, I want this, I want this, I want this, I want this. Because I felt obligated to buy it for them and I knew I couldn't.

I was just gonna say, because it makes you feel like you're not enough.

Well, and Brooks brother used to not only ask, he would. Would demand where I was going in the car. When he was like three years old, he would try to tell me that he knew better than I where we were going in the dang car and like a 3 year old.

And then when he was like 16, my mom said, dustin, you're not allowed to go to Costco with me anymore because I end up spending hundreds extra when you come because I can't say no to you.

Yes.

And now he's in sales, so it's not a shock.

The art of asking is something that we need to remember and learn again as an adult. We need to be able to disclose and ask for what it is we truly want. And we need to be able to do it in a way that it's not manipulative, it's not demeaning. We don't have to drop a hint. We don't have to get critical. We don't have to play power and control. The reality is we can just simply ask. And the best framework I can give you for that is literally what I'd like to ask you for is. And get specific and lay it down on the table.

Just like that.

Just like that. What I'd like to ask you for is this. Would you be willing to do that? And if you follow it up with the question, it's kind of a question that I'm asking for, followed by a question of would that work for you? Is that something you feel like you can give? Is that something that would agree with you? All I'm doing there is asking For a response. And it also makes my question not feel like it's a demand that I'm giving you the permission, remember, safety. I'm giving you the permission to say no.

And what if they say no? I'm not able to do that.

Then I need to accept that I can ask questions like, is it no now or is it no forever? Is there some conditions or circumstances that are playing out right now that are causing you to say no? Because sometimes we say no when I feel uncomfortable.

I don't. Situational, if you will.

Yeah, I. I don't know what to do instead. So I say no because this is really uncomfortable. There might be lots of reasons that I say no. And we want to know and understand that.

And then how about, could you say, if the person says no, your partner, your husband, your wife says no, what would work for you?

Yes.

I mean, you could follow up with that.

Absolutely. If this won't work for you, what would work for you? So that we can brainstorm some ideas, right? And this is where we can step into exploring and understanding what everybody needs and what everybody's willing to give and not give. We can have honest conversations about what everybody is truly willing to do and not do, which is what we need in order to decide how it is we're going to go forward, isn't it? Or do you want somebody to lie to you, or do you want somebody to just not tell you? I mean, those are our alternatives.

Or be very aggravated that they agreed to something that they really didn't want to agree to in the first place.

So be mindful when you might be hearing some things that, yeah, okay, they're disappointing, but wouldn't you really want to know the reality of what's possible here? Or do we want to continue to live and pretend an illusion? Those are my choices, and I don't mean to be harsh about it, but. But I think we need to be real about it, right? So I've got to be willing to hear some things that are difficult. So asking is an important piece of communication that we've got to get really good at. And we've also got to be willing to entertain the idea of an ask and not feel like I've got to say yes. And to be able to honestly sit with it and consider what has been asked of me before. I agree. Because if I just agree because it's been asked, that's going to get vetted out pretty quickly. There's lots of couples in the world that go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem. And when Push comes, comes to shove, I have no intentions of doing it.

So if we're a people pleaser, if you're a listener and you're a people pleaser, that would that kind of make your knees buckle to not say yes when you don't want to say yes?

Well, what's more hurtful? To have somebody say, yeah, yeah, yeah, not do it, or for somebody to say, I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to do that? That's not going to work for me. What else can we do? Which would you rather? And most of us would take the honest answer over being in the position of feeling betrayed, ignored, disappointed. It might hurt a little bit to hear the no, but I'd rather take the no than just have you not.

Do it or to say yes. And then it doesn't play out and it builds massive defensiveness and frustration. Yes.

Oh, my goodness. And we make up all kinds of terrible stories about ourselves, about each other. So I'm going to encourage you to take the honest route. Even though it might be difficult in the moment, it's the one that's going to see you through. And then the last thing that I want to touch on here is just the four Cs. I have a framework called the four Cs that literally is a framework that helps us stay on track. Because we all know what it's like to be in a communication pattern and things start to kind of get fired up, and then all of a sudden we're talking about something that we didn't even want to talk about. It goes from needing to solve what our next steps are in our relationship and how we're going to talk and share and go on a date and spend time together, and if sex is going to be a part of it. And the next thing you know, we're talking about last year's New Year's Eve party when, you know, Uncle Fred showed up and things went south. And that's how we do it. That's how it happens, is one thing just fires off another. And then pretty soon we're not even talking about the things that we needed to talk about. We're talking about a whole bunch of stuff that's already happened in the past. And so the 4C's framework is a framework of communication that we can use to help you stay on track with some of the other skills that we've already mentioned here in our communication episode. And those are things that I also teach in my private client with my private clients, as well as in the Roadmap we get dive deep into those and unfortunately we don't have time to cover them here today. But I just want you to know their frameworks that can be helpful. So helpful to keep our communication on the track. Right. So that we're not constantly derailing it.

So the first C, call it out.

Which is going to be practice and skill in regards to me disclosing what's working for me and what's not working for me.

So what would that sound like?

I'm recognizing and realizing I'm not happy here. I'm feeling like there's upset here, or I feel like there's unresolved issues on our relationship and I don't know how to solve them. And so what I'd like to ask you for, which is going to be the next step, which we've already touched on the asking part, what I'd like to ask you for is if we could sit down and explore some things and create some understanding about why these things aren't working for me, would you be willing to do that? And then the second C is commingle, which just means I'm going to allow for you to have a differing perspective or not to relate or understand where it is I'm coming from. And so there's that give and receive we talked about in the exchange with the sharing and the listening. We're going to co mingle. This is where I'm coming from. Where are you coming from? And then one of two things is going to happen which is going to take us to the third circle. We're going to have to claim a spot. And we're either going to claim a spot together because we go, oh, okay, I got it. This is where you're coming from. And this is what works for you and this is what works for me. And we've talked about, this is what's possible. And we both go, yeah, let's try that. Let's go. I'm ready. That would be an example of claiming a spot together.

So if you're navigating space when we've talked a lot about this in the last five, six, seven, eight episodes, is that claiming your spot in this place where one of the partners have asked for space and the other is on the receiving side, is that going to be a. Is that extra pressure on that third C of claiming our spot when we're, we're. We have a divide, a gap?

No, not at all. In fact, it would be a conversation after space has been taken where you say, okay, how are we Going to go forward. Okay, let's do a weekly date. And we're going to agree that it's okay to be intimate if we both feel like we want to. And we're going to check in with each other and maybe practice some communication and sharing for 30 minutes at the end of every day. And both of us go check, check. Good. Good. Let's go. Okay, I'm ready. There might be an alternative to that, though, where somebody has come as far as they can in the conversation, which is the second alternative in claiming a spot. I might need to claim a spot for myself. There might be some things that were said that I need to digest down and understand for myself. I might have had a lot of emotion that come up for me that I'm not quite sure what to do with. There might have been and some things that have been shared that kind of, quite frankly, blew me out of the water. And that's okay. I just need to claim a spot for myself. And it sounds a lot like, you know what? I appreciate what we've said and done here today. I appreciate the conversation. I'm going to need to pause now and go digest what we've talked about. And then I promise we'll come back around, we'll pick it up from here, and I'll kind of share some more with you about where I'm at. Maybe we're not in a place to declare what I just described as. Okay, we're good. This is what we're going to agree to, Jack. We're all on board. Maybe in the process of finding that, which is typically the case, we have to do some layers of exploration first. Many exploration layers. And so I might get myself to a place where I'm collapsing and I'm shutting down. So I say so. Where I'm starting to spin up and I can't listen anymore. So I say so. And that's my need to claim a spot on myself for myself. Declaring and disclosing have come as far as I can in this round. Not forever, but just end this round, let me go spend some time with myself, and then we'll pick it back up tomorrow. That's me claiming a spot for myself. And the last C is continue the conversation. And we continue the conversation by however it goes. I want to acknowledge the fact that we both showed up, which is hoorah bravo number one. If we're showing up for each other and we're attempting to gain the understanding that we need in this relationship, that's a huge win in and of itself. Just the fact that we showed up number two, that we've both shared and we've both done a really great job of sharing and listening, like, that's bravo. And we all need to be acknowledged and appreciated for that effort, regardless of how it goes. Maybe we don't come to any kind of an agreement or solution to the challenges that we're facing, but the fact that you're engaging in this is the win. That is the win. And we'll come back around and we can repeat it tomorrow. That's the win. And so we want to be appreciative, even though we might be frustrated, of the fact that this just took place. And that's going to ensure that the conversation will continue again tomorrow or next week. Okay, that's a really important piece as we complete it. So Those are the four Cs, and they help us just track our communication. I know I've thrown a lot at you in this episode, but there's a lot to cover when it comes to communication. And quite frankly, there's not a lot of really great information, in my opinion, about how to have conversations that are productive when it comes to love. Sure, we can have conversations about debate, negotiation cells, but they don't help us when it comes to love. When you think about those, they really are weapons of manipulation, more so than seeking the understanding that we need in order to decide how it is we go forward. So I hope that you take some of these things from this episode and try them out in your own life, like, build some safety, do some fairy dust, try that on, and realize that as you set the stage right, that's so important. It's critically important. We know the communication is going to weave and go many different directions, and there's going to be a lot of emotional rise and fall. But if I set it up on the front side, you mean I'm going to ensure that 96% of the time I'm going to have a successful outcome. Yeah. Well, then let's do that. Let's set it up correctly on the front side with a little bit of fairy dust and appreciation and asking for what it is we need need in order to feel safe to continue.

And I would just say I'm gonna. I'll give you four words. You can forget everything we've said today, listener, and thank you again for listening. Please help me understand those four words. You can pretty much put in front of or behind some kind of an upset. And if you put it from that place and with genuine curiosity, I'm almost 100 or that 96 that Stacy's referring from that Gottman research, which is a highly regarded body of work. They do great work, is going to render a different result if you just take those four words with genuine curiosity and start with that rather than typically. How you probably want to start is going to help you right there. Super tip.

Make sure that somebody is listening. Two people can't be sharing in order for us to make progress with effective communication. So who's listening? Right. I hope that that gets stuck in your thinking. Who's listening? And give first and give fast. If nobody's listening. I'll go first. I'll go first. Let me take a crack at this. And then asking is something that you're going to need to get good at. What I'd like to ask you for is I challenge you to get specific about what it is you truly desire. Right. And. And what it is you would truly like to ask for. And there's a beautiful, beautiful gift that you give yourself by just the simple asking. You're saying, I'm worth it. I deserve this. My voice matters too. And so we need to do a better job of asking for what.

And I would just really quickly. I'm thinking about the very first time when we first came together. You realize I was becoming a hot mess. Even I do become a hot mess. It's very rare. Just have a little fun. But no. And all kidding aside, I remember Stacy stopping and looking at me and says, babe, what do you need to hear from me right now? So on the receiving end, you can be proactive and reverse that. Like, oh, my gosh, no one has ever asked me that or taken that kind of interest in me. Like, you can know when someone's struggling, what do you need to hear from me right now? Wow, that's a very. Remember, genuine curiosity will slow emotion down. So I never forget that when you did that, I think, wow, I've never had someone ask me that question and show that interest in me.

Yeah, it is really an interest thing where I value what you have to say and where you're coming from and what you need right now. And I'm willing to do my best to serve that up. The four Cs are just an important framework that at some point in time we want to learn.

Huge, huge framework. We teach and teach and teach and mentor and coach on those.

And then practice is going to take practice. Don't step in and think because you've listened to this episode that all of a sudden you're going to be a Masterful communicator. No, it takes practice. And it's practice that will never end because what you're navigating through will change and you'll find will consistently challenge you. Just like workouts at a gym, right? It says we don't. It doesn't ever get easy. We just get better at it. And I would say that's so true when it comes to communication as well. I encourage you to apply these communication tools and if you need support, I'm going to invite you to do a couple of things. Join our January30 day roadmap or sign up for a love and limbo session. You can get more information on both of these things in today's show notes and this is why we do them, so that we can get better at the things that we've identified here and we'll continue to identify in this series of four episodes. So thank you so much for being here with us today. If you if what we have said or shared is contributing to you has resonated with you, we ask that you share it with your friends and family and subscribe to our podcast as we really want to spread the word about how it is we truly can get better at this thing called love. That's what we're all about. Before we end our episode today, we want to do a little bit of Follow the Fun. And as I was thinking about something, something that might apply a little bit of fun in the conversation that we've had today.

May I give an update on last week's fall the fun? Because I said I would remember.

Oh yeah.

For our if you listen and you didn't log off because I asked you not to log off for the Follow the fun. I was sharing with you that we were going whale watching. We're about two hour and a half into about a three hour trip. And then our one of our wonderful friends says, oh gosh, I'm looking at my phone, your whale watching trip has been canceled. We said, said, Amy, come on, that's not funny. That's not funny. She says, I am not lying. That's really what I am seeing on my phone. We're thinking like, what the heck? And so it was not Brooke, our daughter, but another daughter's birthday. She was with us. She said, we said, bro, what would you like to do? Don't take me home, just keep on going. And so we said, all right, we're going to continue to go. And we did went to a place on the coast that I've never been to and it was windier it was dangerous conditions. That's why they. We decided to cancel it. And so I'm glad they did because we walked on the beach and I'm saying I'm glad I'm not out there in a boat. So then we did some investigation. Stacy, of course, made friends with the harbor master. Stacy makes friends with everybody. Got the whole skinny. And there was another trip that was only in the inland part, the more calm waters. And so we, we opted in for that. We were able to get in. It didn't look like they had some cancellations. And so we still got out on the water. Wasn't the whale watching, but it was fun. We saw lots of. Of sea otters and beautiful birds and it was a wonderful trip.

We took a disappointing moment and turned it into something else. And by the way, that channel is called the Slew.

The Slew. You're right. The Slew. So anyway, there you go. There's the update that I promised I would give. So now this week's Follow the Fun. And please don't log off. Stacy's going to take us somewhere. I have no idea what it is.

Well, I want you to pour your favorite beverage and get out a piece of paper. And I want you to think about all the things that are not working right now that you're frustrated about when it comes to your relationship. Maybe the one with yourself or maybe the one with. With your partner. And as we do that, there's value in the don't want. We just don't want to get stuck in it, which was what we have a tendency to do. And then once you've made that don't want list, I just want you to go back and intentionally say, this is what I don't want. What do I want? And your brain is going to go. It's going to start getting clunky. Like what? We don't talk about those kinds of things around here. We do now. And then that will showcase where it is you want to go now or what you need or need to ask for specifically now. And once we get to the want, we can advocate for it, we can brainstorm it, we can negotiate it. We can do a lot of things in order to move forward. And if we don't flip this don't want into a want, then we just keep fighting and banging on the don't want. So give that gift to yourself today with your favorite beverage. Like, just do a fun little exploration about what's working in my relationship or I'm sorry, to discover what's working in my relationship. And I can get there by. Go ahead, just let your brain have its way with you. This is what I don't want that. We're all really good at that. Right. We're masters at that. And then flip it when.

And would it be fair to say that I would know if I asked you what the favorite beverage that you would choose for this?

Follow the fun. Yeah, it would definitely probably be a glass of champagne. Yeah. What would be yours?

Likewise. We blame that on Italy. Almost four years to the day right now. Just a little fun fact there.

As we wrap this episode up, as we do every episode, we select a song. And there was Rick.

You're gonna love it.

It was a no brainer. It was just an absolute no brainer.

Of course.

John Mayer say. Say what you need to say. One of his favorite verses in that song is, I'm acting like a one man army, right. With the fears circling in my head living out the same old moment. And it just. That always makes me cry because I think we all do so much of that. We all spend too much time living out the same old moment because we don't know how to do it differently. So beautiful song. Awesome. Always makes me cry. If there was a theme song for the reasons why I do what I do, it would be this. Like, oh, we need to have more conversations that we need that come from the heart, saying what we need to say instead of just reacting and living out the same old moment again and again.

And Brookie was the first one that ever took me to a John Mayer concert, by the way. Awesome back, way back when he was way less famous than he is now. Never forget that, that special dad daughter moment.

That is awesome. All right, goodbye for now. Thank you so much for spending some of your time with us today and it's truly been a pleasure here with you and look forward to connecting with you again soon.

All right, it's time to leave the love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom.

Welcome.

For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love shack live community.

Sam.