#151: Relationship Space: How to Resume the Conversation After a Relationship Break

You know that feeling when you're trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle and there's just one piece that doesn't seem to fit no matter how hard you try? That's how it can feel when the person you love most says they need space. It's like a puzzle with a missing piece and you're left wondering how to complete the picture. Welcome to Love Shack Live. I'm Stacey Bartley, your relationship expert. Alongside of me are my co host and lover Tom, and our ever insightful, beautiful, amazing daughter, Brooke. We're here to help you find that missing piece. You understand its shape, its contours, and where it fits in the grand scheme of love. Today, we're going to dive deep into a question many of you grapple with when you're in this space. When is the right time to talk about our future? After your partner asks for space. But here's the revelation. It's not about counting the days. It's about understanding the emotions, the needs and the right approach. So if you're searching for that elusive piece to complete your relationship puzzle, I invite you to stay with us. Together we're going to explore and understand some helpful ways to find the perfect fit. Today we're going to explore the delicate art of approaching your partner about working on the relationship after a request of space has happened.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

And I want to open our conversation up today by asking you to contemplate this simple thing. When space is asked, asked for, what are we really taking a break from? Like, why does that come up? Is it the person themselves? Is it a change of scenery and environment or is it something else? What comes up for you when you think about this? What are we taking a break from? And why does taking a break and creating space create what it is we need as a human being? Why is that our reach for our go to thoughts?

I think most people in our comments think that the partner is wanting space from them and that's what is causing the fear. They're wanting space from all the annoying things about them. That's what they're making up. Our belief is that's wrong. They're not asking for that. It usually has to do with all the feelings that are going on inside of their bodies that they don't know how to regulate. And so the natural human reaction is to withdraw and say, hey, I need to figure this out and because of that, I can't be with you right now.

Yeah, I would stack on that. I share in our clarity Calls A lot of times it's really the only next place that most of us know what to do when we're feeling this bottled up, or you like to say emotionally constipated, you know, things are not good and you're really not sure of any other option but to ask for space. That's kind of the generally accepted thing to do.

I was thinking about this last night. We don't really have a lot of models of what to do when our. When we feel this way unintentionally. We get a lot of our how to do relationship information from media, from movies and books. And the characters, when they're feeling this way, they ask for space. And I honestly think that's where we get a lot of information about how to do relationships. Because witnessing human relationships, you can only witness so many of them in real life because you're just one person. So you don't really witness a lot of them in first person, honestly. So we get a lot of our information from movies and this is the option that they take. And also it usually goes awful in those books and movies. It usually is the thing that happens before a breakup. So it's the only way we know how to navigate this situation. So it totally makes sense why we're having a lot of problems with it. You know, Absolutely.

I would say what we're really taking a break from is the emotional drain and upset which each of you have touched on. That's what we're taking a break from. It's essentially I'm exhausted from the way I show up when you show up, and I don't know how to make sense of that mix. So I become emotionally exhausted. And then I gotta say, oh my gosh, I need some space. Which then inevitably, because of the reasons that Brooke, you touched on, we find ourselves on an emotional roller coaster. And the emotional roller coaster comes from, yes, taking cues from media, from our families of origin. And then there's the well intended friends and family members and clergy, et cetera. The list is long. But emotional challenges then become faced by the individuals when their partners needing space ask for that. And then the feelings of confusion, a struggle with patience and the pain of feeling unappreciated and misunderstood set in. And then from there, depending on how we cope, we're going to commonly engage in relationships. From this place. I need you to see in me the good, therefore it's not true. And so this is where a lot of our anxiety comes from and our reeling and our lack of impatience and our coping ability. It's like I need to convince and prove, prove to you that my intentions are good, that I'm a good partner, I'm a good person, I can do this. I see the good in us, I see the good in you. I see a tremendous amount of possibility. And that can't be true unless I get you to agree. So we blow up their phone, we call all their friends, we try and enroll all their family members so that we can get this group of people who side with you. And that starts to give us a quasi fault sense of security in the situation and circumstances. And our partner who's asked for space is going to become increasingly put off by that because again, what are you not doing? You're not giving them the space from the exhaustion of how I show up. When you show up. It's an interplay, it's a co creation, it's a dynamic between the partnership. And it's no one person's fault. Although that's what we tend to do, is we start looking over the past. As I like to say, we all have a rap sheet. So I think about all the terrible, horrible things I did, and the other person thinks about all the terrible, horrible things you did. And in that contrast, we decide to just who's right, who's wrong and who's to blame and who's at fault and who screwed it up and who didn't and whose intentions were pure and whose weren't. And the reality is we all have a role to play. It's the interdynamic of me and you that create the exhaustion that we're talking about and trying to just condense that into some simplistic terms that we can all wrap our heads around, that's basically at the heart of what's happening. And because we tend to keep and create codependent relationships as human beings. What does that mean? A codependent relationship means I need you to validate and see the good in me. Therefore it's not true within me. So I've got to prove it to you, I got to demonstrate it, I've got to get you to agree, and then I can finally relax and go. And to be fair, that's even in our wedding vows. Some version of I'm going to sacrifice everything that I am for you, you're going to do the same for me, and we are going to be so happy. And we're still in pursuit of that ide for many reasons. And so to acquire some of these things like patience and feeling appreciation and finding some understanding in the whole Mix of it. We have to understand we got to begin to grapple with ourselves because that's the difference maker. We're going to also grapple with the challenging balance of hope and reality. There's this interesting place with inside of us where we even question and Brooke, I'm sure you see this in our comments. Am I crazy to want this and continue to work on this? I mean, should I just cut my losses and go, even though I see potential and possibility and hope, was it really over? And. And people will say, oh, they asked for space, you're totally done, cut it. Then there's this place inside of our hearts where we go, no, but I, I really think it's going to be okay. I really think we're going to get through this.

I was just watching a live of a relationship coach just before we started this podcast because I like to see what other people are saying and their answer to the question that was asked is it over? If my partner asked for space? Was unequivocally, yes, it's over. It depends where you go. You're going to get a different answer. And I just think that just illuminates what we're talking about more, is that our belief about relationships, meaning my family, us three people right here, is that life does not exist in the black and white. It exists in the shades of gray, which a lot of relationship coaches and relationship therapists and people out there will give you a yes or no answer without knowing anything about your situation. And that's not how life works. Mom 2 always says, there's so many shades of gray in between the black and white that I think people are not thinking of when they're asking these questions and also because they just don't know. So, number one, be careful who you're getting your advice from, which I'm sure the other relationship expert would say the same thing about us. It's just being careful. You, the listener who's consuming this content, make sure you know who you're getting your advice from. And number two, we can't answer those things until we know more about your situation. And yes, I do see that in the comments. Am I crazy for still wanting this? And am I crazy for still having hope and believing that that partner loves me even though they asked for space or I haven't heard from them in two weeks and am I crazy for not just breaking up with him that people are asking those questions all the time? There's so much pain in this area of relationships if so many couples are taking space from each other. To me, that does not say that relationship sucks. To me, that says there's something going on in a lot of couples that we haven't figured out how to navigate. So I don't think it's the taking space that matters. I think think it's the thing that's happening before the space is requested that we need to address. And that's what we're trying to do as a family.

I totally agree. And if you've ever been in a place where you're either contemplated space or somebody's asked you for space, you would know that you don't stop loving the person. Like even think about parent child relationships, even when you're going through a difficult time, you still love your child even when you want to choke the life out of them. Or what about a pet, a beloved pet, they can drive you sibling or a sibling, you still love the heck out of them. Love is not what. That is not the part that's in question. What's in question is our interaction when we're together. That's what's in question. The. The love is not. And yet that's exactly where we go. I question the love. I. I question your intentions, whether you loved me or not. If you take space and you never loved me now. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. There's a lot of missteps that just happen. We're taking these enormous leaps into the abyss without thinking about what it is we're really saying. We need to slow down. Love not in question. If you've spent time and co created and had great moments and memories with a person that is near and dear to your heart, those are still good. And still we may find ourselves in a place where how I show up when you show up is not going well. And that's what we need to understand. And Brooke, I really appreciate you bringing that to light. The question that we get stuck in is, should I give up or just work harder? And there's a lot that goes into that question. Because the giving up, sometimes that would be easy. And quite frankly, sometimes it's necessary. Right, because you don't have a lot to work with on the other. Other side, where we hold out in false hope and not accepting reality is when the person is literally telling you, I'm done. I don't want to do this with you anymore. And yet you still hold on to false hope. That is a place where we're living in an illusion. We have to accept what the person is saying, even though it might be really difficult for us to Wrap our head around who am I to become and what am I to be without this person in my life? Those are existential questions of identity and who do I become now? However, if we're all the fence and we're teetering and you're saying, just tell me what we're going to do and is there hope here? And they say, gosh, I don't know. I'm on the fence, I'm in question. I don't know. You don't know? Well, then that just tells me there's a journey that needs to be had in order to vet that out. So that on the other side, you have a sense of completion and no regret. That just tells me nobody knows. It tells me everybody's in question. It doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means, again, I don't like who I am when I show up with you. So what do we want to do about that? Are there some things we can do? Change, learn, practice, so that we can become something different in the future? And those are really the questions that we're asking ourselves.

And I would just add that we would say yes. That's always possible. Yes. I mean, in our 10 years, more than that, now doing this, we've seen many, many intense situations, versions of what Stacy just described as ingredients for transformation. Yes, we have. Can we guarantee that that's going to happen? No, we cannot.

Anyone who guarantees you that they will get you the result you're wanting, are they a genie or a wizard? Because that's the only people I know that can guarantee. But another thing I wanted to say is even if you get to the point where you both say, yes, it's over because space was taken and that led to the end of your relationship, there's still steps that have to be taken after that to complete your journey with each other. It's not like you say, okay, it's over, and then you're both magically healed and better. You still have to address those things that weren't working for you. Your partner still has to address the things that weren't working for for them. And those parts of you still need to be worked on. And also you'll need to get over the heartbreak of the relationship, like, all of those things still need to happen. And it would be great to have a mentor to help you through that.

Please be mindful of allowing other people to make choices for your life, the likes of which there's only one person that's going to live them out, and that is you and as you're living out those choices that other people are recommending for you and it doesn't work, are you going to allow yourself to tell the truth about that? Or you're just going to keep thinking that the professional knows better than you? And I'm going to tell you that is a lie in and of itself. That's how you're going to know about information you should listen to and information that you shouldn't. Does the advice work for you or does it not? Remember, there's only one person who's going to live with the choices that you're about to make. Not the person who drew hard lines for you, but the person who's going to live it. That's you.

An example of that would be if you ask an expert, is it okay that my partner asks for space and they say no? Break up with them immediately and that causes conflict inside of you. Like you think, no, but I don't want to. Or I feel like we still have longer in our relationship and this is just a little blip in time. Then that is what Stacey is saying. That advice is not congruent to how you're feeling. And if you followed that advice, it would probably lead to you having some regret.

Very often as human beings, we are not ready to let go because there's still something there for me to learn. And if you just go ahead and take the advice of somebody who says no, you're done. Cut it off, you fool. Then you've missed the opportunity to experience and learn some things. I'm not saying the relationship is going to work. What I am saying is maybe the reason why you can't let go is because there's still something for you to learn from it. And then we feel robbed of that we get angry bit. We have a lot of regret incompletion. Again, you're the only one that's going to live with the consequences of your choices. So don't let other people make those choices for you. Make them for yourself. Even if we've decided we're not going to continue romantically, when you've got a mix of co created finances and children on the line, you're still in co creation. You're just not going to be romantic lovers anymore. And so those steps are critically important as well. And so we don't just lop it off and pretend like it never happened. And here's the other thing. Every relationship you have ever been in or will ever be in, regardless of how it it goes, right. How long it lasts rather is Going to contribute to who you are and who you're becoming in the future. And that's just life. That's just the way it works. So these illusions that we live in where I'm just gonna create space and then stop talking to you and then I'm gonna ghost you and then we're just gonna pretend like it never happened, leave us with a deep sense of regret, a deep sense of emotional baggage and constipation. They leave abandonment, sense of incompletion. And as I road, I'm going to act those out if I don't complete them in a good way so that co creation continues to a good space. Heck, I have a partner who is the father of my youngest child and it's been 18 years and there are still places where we need to dance. And co creation. Has it improved over time? I'm happy to say yes. Is it a continuous journey? Yes, it is. And his influence on my life is absolutely key to the person before you right now, the, the person you're listening to, wherever you are, that has played a role in the dynamic of who I have become and the things that I understand about myself and about life and love. And that is going to be the same and true for you too. And so we have to stop buying into making people pay and cutting them off and pretend like they didn't happen. And that somehow solves our issue and our dilemma. It does not. It creates more emotional pain and unrest and regret and incompletion, which here's the single principle that you must take to heart. And that is, if I don't know how to deal with my emotional experience within, I will then act it out on the people that I love. There is no other way as a human being. And I just think it's important for us to all understand and contemplate that principle again. If I don't know how to deal with my emotional choices and experience within, I will then act it out on the people I love. There is no other way. Emotion is emotion and emotion will be expressed. I can either do it intentionally or I can do it unintentionally by just reacting instead of responding. And it's important you understand that. So lopping it off and just pretending like we're going to be fine is not going to do much for us. But add to that acting out, that defensive posture, that manipulation, that fear and terror about relationships or men and women and all that goes with it, and we have to do it is upon us all to do a better job with this. The Focus of this episode is to understand and realize, yes, this is the journey. This is the things that we're wrestling with. We've been talking and highlighting those. And the seeking of the validation is key here because that's usually what leaves us in limbo. I want and need to convince you that my intentions are good and I'm a good person and I see possibility here. And that's why it's tough to honor the need for space. You know, there's this need for validation, and I can't be a good person with good intentions unless you say so, unless I get to agree.

And also then where do I go from here? Which I feel like that's really the purpose of this episode. Because the question that prompted this episode is how long must I wait to reach out and ask them when we can work on our relationship?

And so in the reeling of that, I just want you to understand that the first step to answer the question that was already asked is we've got to learn how to validate ourselves. Yeah, we've got to stop needing it from our person. Like, that's step number one. And that's how both sides. The person needing space and the person who has been left with trying to navigate space. The working on validating myself is key. We can call it self care or self love or an honoring of stuff. We have lots of different names for it, but it's literally learning how to validate what is true for you in spite of maybe somebody else outside of you not doing that for you anymore. That's the codependent part. So we need to get better at that, because until that happens, I'm going to be easily dismantled. All you got to do is say something, accuse me of something, and then I'm reacting and off to the races. So that's a really important first step. And then further, what I want to give you today is this idea of timing, this idea of when do I get to reach out and talk about these things, or even what you're learning as we're speaking here with my partner, when is that appropriate? And if you've already blown up their phone, tagged them on social media, and reached out to all their friends and family, trying to convince them that you're a good person so that they too will be convinced that you're a good person, then this is. You got to pay attention to this.

This.

Okay. It's a timing dilemma. It really is. And, oh, we can get so caught up in it. Right? We. We don't know pins and needles. Hence the Opening of the episode. Where in the heck does this puzzle piece fit? I. I'm not quite sure what to do with this. And so because of our fear and our good intentions, we wait. Wait. We wait. We wait. We wait and we hope. And then we mess it up because I can't take it anymore. Blow up your phone, reach out to your friends, do those things. And then I go, oh, okay, I gotta do space. Let me just pull it together here. And so I. I want to. To just walk you slowly through this timing dilemma and what is possible. Because as we've already touched on, there's many shades of gray in this space. And I also want you to hear there's no one way to do it. Just certain skills that we can provide for you to navigate through it better. So let's dive into the timing. That's really our intention today. Number one, you've got to understand there is a cooling off period. We all know what it feels like to be so exhausted emotionally that I can't take this shit anymore more. And it has more to do with my own emotional internal wrestling and conflict than it does with the other person. Meaning I am not liking how I show up when you show up. There's something about that dynamic that is exhausting to me and I gotta stop it. And there are some ways that we could get into, but we're not today about what that looks like. And I'm in survival mode. And I have my favorite go to. To get through places that are difficult emotionally for me. But the truth is I'm just tired of it. I'm exhausted from it. And I need some space. And here's what space gives us. Us space gives us the ability to settle into ourselves. There's no external stimulation whatsoever. So I'm left with myself, which is a good thing. That's a really good thing. Because I've got to decide what my part is, where I'm at and how to manage this, how I show up when you show up. Peace. And that gives me some time to reflectively look at it. So that's why intuitively we reach for space in the first place. I just think that's an important thing to say. And then when you violate that, that then what ends up happening is I re. Trigger or I re. Stimulate that frustration that drove me to ask for space in the first place. So that's why the person who asked for space can be exceptionally intolerant of you reaching out. Blowing up their phone and reaching out to the family members and stuff. They're still Having to manage how they show up when you show up. And that's the part. Remember, I'm exhausted from can't. Please, for the love of heaven, just give me a minute. I can't do this anymore. And so that's why the more we do it, the more they're going to pull away in an effort to try and just settle in with myself, connect with myself, understand myself. It's a survival mechanism in us as a human being. So the timing is important and it's important that you honor initially a cooling off period. And this allows each person to spend some time with their own thoughts and feelings so the intensity can come down. I'm not so fired up about how I show up when you show up anymore. I've had some time to kind of sit in it with myself, do some self evaluation and some self reflection. Now that's the ideal of how it could go the other way it could go that I want to touch on is that your partner all of a sudden turns into hell on wills because they're coping instead of sitting in it. So that means all of a sudden they're on dating apps and they're drinking and they're hanging out with their friends and they're like, swinging so far to, yeah, I'm just gonna cope and I'm not gonna try and address this anymore. I know I needed to sit with my stuff and then I took the space and then that freaked me out. And now I'm gonna. I'm gonna just do anything I can to feel a little bit better. And that's where the coping comes into play. So, yes, that's where people go, hey, pull your head out of your rear. Your partner's on dating apps. It's over. No, it just means your partner is, like, freaked out about the fact that they gotta sit in their own emotions for a minute and they're gonna start coping. And let's be honest, I mean, drinking, smoking, shopping, having sex, contemplating new relationships, those are all very enticing ways to cope as a human being. And so I kind of turn into this hell on wills for a minute, which hurts the partner, of course. That's like, what in the hell is going on? This is a part of my partner I've never seen before. I need you to understand is they are freaked out about having to spend some time with themselves. That. That is difficult. It is most, most courageous of us as human beings to turn and face ourselves. And so I knew I needed it and I did it. And now I'm freaking out and so now I'm going to cope and I reach for these other things in order to accomplish that. Okay. Thinking that that's going to take me to the promised land, when really it's just an avoidance pattern. And so as difficult as is, I just think it's helpful sometimes to understand what's going on. So a cooling off period is important. It's that opportunity that we're giving everybody if this is going to go well, to settle into their own emotions and to be self reflective. What needs to happen next? The intensity comes down. I need to understand myself better. That's where this dance of how I show up when you show up begins. And then the next thing is the waiting duration after a partner is asked for space is not so much about counting days. It's not. It's about our approach to it. And this is where our approach needs to change. The approach can't be one of begging and pleading and coercing and pulling out all the things that you've done for them. And I know that's where you're going to go know, right, because you want the validation. Remember, you want to be reassured that you did good things and that those things you poured into the relationship, into your partner and to your family count. And they matter. And I need you to know right now they do. Even if your partner right now can't see it, they still count. They still matter. And what I need more than anything is for you to believe and value that for yourself. Because your partner can do a myriad of things. Your partner is either going to be self reflective or like I said, in extremes, they're hell and wills. And that still doesn't need to discount the fact that you poured your soul and your heart into this relationship and that you created good and that good still counts and it still matters. It's important for you to understand that. Hence why I said validation of self is step one. Step two is this timing issue that we're talking about. So don't count days. I want to help you create an approach that's going to be effective. We often become mired in the pitfalls of being overly eager or we press the control button button, or we try on our manipulative tactics of shame and blame and obligation, thinking that that's going to just get them to come home. And I want you to understand getting them to come home is not your objective. Your objective is how do we change how I show up? When you show up, that's our objective. It needs to be. And that can't happen without all of us doing a really deep reflection, an introspection of what the hell is going on with me. And you're the only one that can do that with work. So that's the work and space I'm going to encourage you to do. The power of the approach, though, is when we're going to engage, it doesn't matter if it's three days, three months, three years, really sooner the better in my book. But you've got to allow for that cooling off period of time, and that in and of itself could take several days to several weeks to where I'm ready to engage in the thought of how are we going to dance together? Or, you know, I feel like I need to just let go of those. Those are the conversations in the space and time that giving that cooling off period will allow. And then if I'm still on the fence after that initial cooling off period, then we need to take a journey. And this is where asking would be important. I need you to be in a settled place. I need you to take a big deep breath and I need you to realize that what you're literally doing is you're extending an invitation to the person that you want to reconnect with the person that you want to reconnect with. It's a sincere ask, a sincere invitation. Not an obligation, not a coercion, not a begging plead, but a sincere invitation of some version. I can still see really good in us. I believe in us. I'd really like to work on us. I just want you to know that's my position. And I just want you to know, even after some careful thought and contemplation, this is still my position, even though we've been through a really difficult time. And I just want you to know I'm ready when you're ready. Will you please let me know when that is? And I could send that text message anytime I felt like I was in a good, quiet, foundational, grounded space to do so.

Would that be for either the person asking for space or the person on the receiving end, or the person that's.

Asked for space gets out there with their own feelings? I realize I miss you. I realize that there are a lot of really good things. I just get frustrated and don't know how to dance with this. How I show up when you show up. But I want you to know this is my position. I'd like to try again and I'd like to work on it. What's that going to look like? And let me know when you're ready. Ready because I'm ready or I think I'm ready or I would like to try. It becomes this invitation in. And now I'm gonna just do a little bit of contrast here so you can see the difference because some of you I know are gonna go, I've already done that. Right? I've already told them that.

I, I know. And we hear this all the time. I've already done that. And I'm getting impatient. So how much I'm sure a lot of listeners, myself included, I'm thinking, look, I've already done that and it seems like this is going way too long and I'm getting really impatient now. So how long do I give space before my partner, my husband, my wife, my special someone is. They're not, they just say they're still not ready.

Let's just talk about what I just said because nine times out of 10, here's probably what you're doing. It's some version, hey, you know what? I've done all this for you and I'm over here paying the bills and taking care of the kids. Like, how soon are we going to be able to do this? You know, will you let me know? That is not what I said.

So there's a big difference on the two versions of what you just expressed.

Yes. And everybody's going to go, no, no, no, I, I said, I, I asked a question, I sent an it. No, no, no. It's all about the approach, remember? And this is a very skill based, nuanced approach. And I don't advise you to say things like, after all I've done for you, I can't believe you're not coming home yet. Or you won't respond to me. I need you to reply, will you do that, please? Or when are we going to talk? When are we going to, when are we going to get together? What in the hell are we doing?

This is really getting frustrating.

Yeah, this is really getting frustrating and I can't continue to do this much longer. You know what, you need to let me know what you're doing right now. You've got until Wednesday or the other ver version. That's the control version. The other version is. You know what? Please, I just love you so much and I don't know what to do without you. And I wouldn't know even where to begin if this was over. And, and I just want you to know I see so much good and potential and like our kid, I mean, oh, you have all this. I mean, please, it's been 25 years. You've got to come back. I'm over dramatizing. And by no means do I mean any disrespect whatsoever. I know as human beings, we do the very best we know how. However, I do want to paint a point of contrast here. I said you need to in calm. I encourage you to make a statement that's true for you. I believe in us. I just want you to know this is where I'm at. I would really like to create an idea and a plan for how we're going to communicate, navigate this, even if it's just a few minutes to decide our next steps. Would you please let me know when this is possible? I want you to see it's clear, it's specific and it's grounded.

And that's Stacy's nighttime DJ voice.

I was going to say it's not overly emotional. Emotional. It's mostly just factual, but in a.

Very loving tone, kind way.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not condescending. That's. I like to share that this is the gymnast that's on the 4 inch balance beam. I would think it's fair to say that we would say that that's narrow. Right. This is a very narrow, strategic place that we are encouraging you to walk. It is. And it will take some practice because I've not heard this often besides Stacy sharing it like she does. And people say, God, you make it sound so easy. We have to understand she's done it thousands and thousands of times.

Times.

That's why. So it's not complicated. None of those were fancy words. But the delivery is everything. It really is. Because that's hard to have someone receive that in a place that they feel it's genuine. That's what you want.

It's also disarming because it's not giving them any ammunition to throw it back at you. You're not doing that manipulatively. You're doing it because you don't want any of that anymore. You're coming from a genuine place of.

Curiosity and you might need to practice these words in the mirror. So maybe rehearse this little snippet. I'm going to give you a for real script I'm going to encourage you to use right now. And you might want to replay this snippet or cut it.

You can replay it, but also I'll put copy of the text of the script in the show notes so you can go back and look.

Yeah. So we're trying to help you have some success here. But what I would encourage you to do again from a calm space is I see great potential in us. And I would like you to know that I'm ready and willing to do what is needed to create a future together. Would this be something that you would desire too? Also, I would encourage you to add, would you please help me understand what is available for us right now to connect? That would really help me. Those two questions are going to give you the next step. Help me understand what's available now. Are we going to talk once a week? Week? Can we talk about the kids or the bills that need to be paid? Can we talk about when we're going to converse? Go on a date? Is sex still on the table? There's many things that we probably need to talk about. So we take them one at a time. We take it very slow. But you're literally asking, help me understand what's available for us right now to connect and have some of these conversations. It's a genuine invitation in. And the other piece is just letting them know that you're still ready to work on this and you're willing to do whatever is needed, needed. And you would like to know if this is something that they desire too, if this is something they want to explore or work on. And that question is important, and here's why. It's the permission for them to choose in or choose out. And without that permission, then you're probably dancing in some kind of obligation, control, manipulation, coercion. And don't feel bad about that. We're very good about those things as a human being. In fact, we have more experience in the manipulation arena than we do truly asking for what it is we want. And that's really what we're talking about here, is the asking for what it is we truly want very clearly and very specifically. And the other nuances I want you to pay attention to is if you're having this conversation in person, you've got to be incredibly precise with your phrasing and your tone. Sometimes these are best done in text message and email because that part is eliminated.

One of the few places probably where that is in your power.

I was also going to say not only your expression on your tone, but also your facial expression. Facial expressions, because some people have a hard time controlling those and they can tell everything, you know, so.

Oh, yeah, no, well said. Good point. And those are personal between you and your special someone. But we know when those are that mean. Could just be a eye roll. It can send the whole thing south real fast. So there again, there could be the power of using another medium where you don't have as many moving parts for this to go well.

Exactly. Right, right, exactly. So I would highly recommend that you use it via text or email just because there's a lot of emotions running high and the tone and the phrasing you can get right, because it's going to be a copy and paste. Right. Like that's easy. And we're happy to help you with that. The piece that's really important and the nuance too is you must give your partner the space to make a choice without feeling pressured. You need them to come to the table willingly and honestly and to do otherwise, it's not going to go well. So this is how we violate the actual task is when we don't give our partners that opportunity to truly choose in and then the whole thing's going to go sideways anyway. If you get them to the table to engage with you because of force and coercion, some form of manipulation, it's not going to go well anyway. You might get a moment or two, but it's not going to sustain the long haul because we're going to go back to not addressing how I show up when you show up. So that's going to be our problem. And if they feel like they've been forced and coerced, they're going to know it and that's going to wear off very quickly. It's like a, it's like a drop rug. You get a little bit of traction from it, but the long term sustainability of it is very, very.

So I know, myself included, another listener. So no, I've everything that you described, I'm good. And let's just project out. You know, we send it through a text so we can manage the moving parts and then our partner responds that, you know what, they appreciate the text, appreciate where we're coming from, and they're just not in a position really to commit in any regard. Like when we hear that often, us as a family, like, what the heck do I do now? So I've done everything you told me and now I'm just still in this land of limbo, love and limbo.

Well, I want you to understand that there are some really great news on the land of limbo. And you're probably not going to hear many people say that, but I want you to know I'm saying it of course, and I mean it. And here's why. In the space of limbo, there's only a couple of ways this can go. Like Brooke had said already, we're not genies. We don't have a, a magic wand where we can just make all your pain go away. Pain is there for a reason and we need to address address it. And the opportunity with space is that you take the time and space for self reflection, personal well being and mental health by exploring and developing an understanding of yourself. Why does that matter? Because you are the gift, you are the thing that gets brought to the table to co create with another human being. And if you're going to just sit around and not do that piece for the relationship, then how are we going to affect the difference maker or the behavior change in how I show up? When you show up, we're going to go back to the same old patterns we've done time and time again, maybe, maybe for years or decades. And nothing's going to change. So I've got to be able to do that piece for myself. And essentially what happens here in the time of space is we get to recalculate. Okay, who am I now? Because it's changed from we first came together and what do I need now? Because that's probably changed as well. And, and then I get to put it together with you. And we essentially go back through the dating cycle where we get to know each other from this new space now that I've uncovered and discovered for myself. And then from that place we get to decide what is yet to be in our future. And that's the opportunity with space. Essentially it's a do over, it's a reworking. What brought us together and what we've created are going to be those threads that keep us together. Those are hard to let go of. But this opportunity for space is for us to reevaluate. Okay, who have I become now? What works for me. And then I need to learn what works for you because you've changed and how you've changed. And that's going to give me the information I need in order to decide how we're going to go forward in the future. My friends, that's a journey, that's not a decision. That's why we can't just go, okay, so what is it? Tell me, are we in or are we out? Are we going to do this thing or not? Nobody knows. Nobody knows. It's a journey to be uncovered.

Another thing that I want to bring attention to is that a lot of the work that we do is based around, around knowing what you want. And that's not a place where most humans spend a lot of time in, especially adults. I don't have children. But I know a lot of parents, and parents especially, do not spend a lot of time thinking about what they want. They spend a lot of time thinking about what everybody else wants. So when you're asking your partner who's asked for space what they want, they probably still don't know. So not giving you an answer is not them trying to cause you pain. It's because that's what the space is for. It's for both of you to about what you really want. And again, we think about what we don't want most of the time. And other times we think about what everyone else wants but us. And we mold ourselves to be that for everybody else, but we don't. Often asking ourselves genuinely, what do I want? So that's another thing that you get to do, too. I'm talking to the partner who was asked for space. You get to figure out what you really want in this, this time period.

So use the space this time for purpose of doing those things and not simply waiting for your partner to come back. It's not about that. And yet we can sit and wait and think that all of our dreams are going to come true when they come home. And yet we still haven't addressed the core problem, which is how I show up when you show up. And so that's why so many times we might go a few rounds with this, because we're not addressing the real core issue. So take this opportunity. It's an opportunity. Opportunity literally to decide who you are, what you need, where you want to go, and then to learn what that might be for your partner. And then we can decide how we're going to go forward in the future. Working on yourself while hoping for a relationship's future, use it for your motivation to do the work. We'll do things for others we won't do for ourselves. That's just the reality of it. So if you're in a place where you love this person more than life itself, awesome. Use that as motivation to do exactly what I just described. That's where the fuel can come from if you use it to kick your fanny. Oh, I should have known better. I should have been able to change this a long time ago. I shouldn't have seen this coming. It's not fair that that's not going to take you anywhere. It's going to take you into what we call in our body of work, a rabbit hole. And you're going to get stuck there in the darkness without being able to see the light. But if you can use that and understand how wonderful it is to care enough about somebody else that you finally willing, because of the pain, to face off with yourself. Well, that's really great news. Hallelujah. The day has come. Let's turn and face it and use that love of your partner and your family as the motivation to double down and face off with yourself. The ways that we accomplish this is through therapy, self reflection, self care, and of course, support and teachings together in a community. It's powerful to learn with a group of people who are on the same path as you. You learn so many things that you didn't know before, like you're not alone in this. As to often says, unfortunately, you're not unique in this area. You just think you are. And there are many who are struggling with the same thoughts and feelings and circumstances that you are too. And it's empowering to know that you're not alone, you're not unique in this way. Community can give that to you. And we got to help you with the struggle, which is not a bad thing. We've got to help you with the struggle to develop some patience, work through the pain of rejection, gain the ability to set your own agenda down long enough to understand your partner's perspective and to do what you you can to accept the past as it is and let go of it so we can create and develop a future. It's important for us to also be mindful of our communications. We all know we need to improve that area. We all seem to know that intrinsically, without realizing, you know, what creates good communication is the ability to emotionally regulate myself. And if I can't emotionally regulate myself, it won't matter what we study when it comes to communication, you're gonna blow it. You're gonna react, react instead of respond, which is a very common saying in the therapy world, and yet it's very profound. If I can't emotionally regulate, I'm never going to be able to respond. I'm just going to react. I'm going to react and react and react. And you see there is no resistance in that, right? I just let it rip. What's the struggle in that? There is none. There's no regulation in that whatsoever. So we need to learn and develop these things that, yes, I believe you should have known a long time ago, but here's the opportunity. Let's do it now. Let's address it and learn it now. As humans, we're all in a place where we emotionally cope in many ways, and it's important for us to learn better ways of coping, especially when we get emotionally fired off. That's the opportunity to understand what happens. Where do you go? What's going on for me? What do I need to do instead? What do I need to ask for? What do I want? As Brooke said, all of these things are a journey. And it's a worthwhile journey that we're going to ask you to embark on. So today we've covered one teeny tiny piece of that, that journey. In order to create how we go forward. It needs to be a sincere ask. It needs to be an inquiry. And it's not about counting days. It's not about is it enough time? It's not about how do I go about enrolling them into something. It's about sincerely finding a grounding place with inside of yourself to validate yourself that the good you've done and what you've inputted counts. It matters. And what's possible as we go forward, what can we uncover? And will you let me know when you're ready? That would be really helpful. Helpful.

And the beautiful thing is you don't have to wait until he or she is ready because we've actually added a word to space with a plan. It's now space with a plan and purpose. And the purpose is you. And so the good news is you don't have to wait while your partner's deciding because you can get purposeful with your own self and your own journey. Use this as a gift to really get clear on what you need and want in a relationship. Which is really great news because probably I would bet you haven't taken that time maybe ever, or certainly and alone, because we just don't make time for that in our lives. So it really is an opportunity maybe you would never have gotten otherwise. That's the new added of the word that we as a family are really excited about because that's the purpose part. You don't have to just wait in limbo. This gives you a very purposeful place to, to act on while your partner's deciding what they want to do and.

When they come back, you're going to be in a place where you understand and know the things that you need to evaluate and uncover. Cover. To be able to take you forward in the way in which you truly desire love for a lifetime. Let's go forward. Let's create a bigger, better, brighter future together. We're only going to be able to do that if I understand myself and what it is I need and what it is I need to ask for and develop some skills about how I show up. When you show up, that's going to be important. Because of that, we do have a place where you can join us in that experience. We invite you to join join us for 30 days to accomplish what we've just described. A place of support, learning skills and the practice of these skills, along with developing a personal sense of well being and mental health. You can check out all the details in the show notes here to gain more information about it. You can also go to loveinlimboroadmap.com and it will give you all the details as well. And if by chance, for some reason you're not sure if the Roadmap is a great place for you, then you can also join us for a Love in Limbo series session. And you can check that out by going to loveinlimbo.com so the only distinction I'm just going to point out is the roadmap part. If you're interested in the 30 day roadmap experience, that's Love and Limbo Roadmap. If you're experienced in checking out just the session experience to kind of put a toe in the water without the 30 day commitment, then you can go to loveinlimbo.com I think that we've probably given you enough to just chew on is my sense here. It's truly our get to and our pleasure to help you in this conversation. And as we do with every podcast episode, we're going to just allow you to take a couple of breaths. We're going to follow the fun and take a hard left. Today's Follow the fun is practice the law of love, which is, and I love this law. Love is the letting go of fear. I cannot be in fear if I love. And love is the greatest power I have to face fear. So if I love you, even though you're upsetting me, and even though I'm afraid of what the future is going to be, I can stand in a place of love, which is kind of the grounded place we talked about in our podcast today. I get to stand in love. I get to remember how much I love you. And that's why I'm asking a question. It's not coming from a place of obligation or corporation, coercion or control. It's just because I love us and I love you and I love our family and I hope that our life can go forward. So I'm going to invite you to let go of the fear and stand in that place. That's the most powerful place you can stand it and so our follow the fun today is realizing you are love at your core. You can choose fear, you can choose love. And as you give love to others, you actually teach yourself what you are. So today I'm going to invite you to allow yourself to learn and experience love by connecting, giving it. Give the grace, the forgiveness, the encouragement and the hugs to others that you so desire for yourself for. This is the only way that you're going to be able to accept love in for yourself. I have to give it in order to get it. Okay, so find somebody to love on today and maybe that's your partner where you send that text or that email from this place of love. And literally, as you're sending it, imagine and see yourself loving them. Don't buy into the fear that you need to hate them or make them pay or with retract your love because that's not going to see you through. It's going to create drama, pain, regret. Stand in this place and practice what I've just said and, and dare I say, have a little bit of fun along the way. Yeah. Our song today is a song that I heard after we did our series about the 30 day roadmap and some of the components in it. And I thought, oh my gosh, why didn't we choose the song off already? And Script, that's the name of the group. They have a song called Break Even that basically says when a heart breaks, it doesn't break even. And it doesn't.

I can tell it wasn't a powerful song for you.

It's not the song. It's the desire for our listeners to understand there is a way through this and you're going to be okay. And I'm doing everything I possibly can in this moment to convey that message to you. This is hard and that's why I cry. But it's also good, good news. And that's the thing that I'm trying to encourage you to embrace. You're going to get through this and I promise if you'll do these things we're talking about, you're going to be better for it. I know it works because I've done it myself personally, so I know the journey. But I also have the privilege and honor of helping hundreds of thousands of people from around the world to do it too. And there's this moment where you pop out the other side and you go, I'm so grateful to be alive. I got through it. That in and of itself is an incredible transformational journey, but you can do those too. And there's some things that you're going to need to learn along the way, and some of them are going to change, challenge you, but it's going to be a worthy effort. And so in the song, he says, I still. I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing. I don't know what to do here. What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you seem to be okay? Like, how many of us don't relate to that lyric when we're in this space, right? And it's almost like you, how can you be okay when I'm a hot, hot mess? I'm falling to pieces. And I want you to know that sometimes when we're in love and we do love with all of our heart and soul, we do fall to pieces choices, it's not a bad thing. It's a thing that reminds you that you've truly loved, and that is a good thing. So I'll take it. I'll take the heartbreak. I'll take the challenge. I'll take on the reflection, the growth, the transformation. But what I encourage you, listener, to not let go of is the ability to love. Because I want you to know you can love for a lifetime. That's our goal. That's our challenge. That's our endeavor. Because the minute we start buying into fear and the minute that we feel like we have to hate instead of love is the minute the bottom falls out of our life experience and we find ourselves, find our place ourself in places we never wanted to be. So don't do that. Even though you're going through a difficult time right now. Hang on. It's going to end. I promise. And love, it will come again. And it's available for you right now. So step into it and find your bravery and your courage in that space and resist the temptation to be afraid. You're going to make it through here. I promise. We're going to get to the other side. And thank you so much for us being a part of your journey, and we're honored to serve you in this space. And hang on. It's gonna. It's gonna work out. It's gonna be okay. We're sending you all tons of love today and a big, big, big hug. We look forward to being back here with you next week for another episode of Love Shack Live. If you have something you want to share with us or something that we've stirred up in you or even a conversation that you would like to have here, please send us a message we'd love to hear from you. Until then, we'll get busy helping you navigate this very difficult place of space. Until next time. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribers subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.