#152: Beyond The Cycle Of Conflict: Finding Healing in Relationship Breaks

Imagine standing at a crossroads where one path leads to repeated patterns and the other to a future of growth and deeper connection. I'm Stacy Bartley. Alongside of me are my co host and partner in life, Tom, and our daughter, Brooke. This is Love Shack Live, the podcast for those who are ready to choose the path of transformation in their relationships. Look, it's easy to feel lost when the person you love asks for space. But what if I told you that this space isn't a gap, but instead a gateway? A gateway to understanding yourself, your partner, and the unspoken dance between the two of you. Today, we're not just talking about how to bridge the emotional distance. We're exploring how to use this space as a catalyst for personal evolution, for a stronger and more resilient bond. How do we grow from what feels like separation into a partnership that thrives on mutual growth and respect? Join me now as we navigate this journey. Uncover the hidden strengths within you and the untapped potential in your relationship. Let's turn these moments of uncertainty into a launchpad for love that's not only enduring, but also empowering to each of you and to the collective.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Relationships truly are the most emotional experience we can have as a human being. And when it comes to emotions, we really only have two options for managing them. We have the know how and skill to manage them, or we take our emotions out on others. It's a pattern of conflict that arises. We know it's a problem. However, we simply just don't know what to do to change it. So it escalates until one of two things happen. Someone asks for space, or we act out egregiously, and this severs, usually the relationship completely. I call this a default option. It's time for us to realize we need to learn how to transform conflict, which is repeated arguments, into growth opportunities and understand the patterns of needing space and why space can be exceptionally important. I'm now reflecting back to a client who recently entered my doors. It was late at night. It was dark. I was waiting for them. There was 30 minutes between my last client and them as they entered my space. One came before the other. And the gentleman turned to me and said, she won't be coming in. We're done. On the drive over, she's asked for a divorce. It's over, Stace. Let me pay you for the session and let's call this a day. And I said, okay. And I peeked out my door and saw his partner was actually getting out of the car and I said, actually, she's coming in, perhaps we should have a conversation. Okay, okay, well, she's coming in. I, I, I mean, I guess we will. And so it was tense. You could cut the tension with a knife. You could tell that things had escalated in their 25 year relationship to the point neither one of them saw a point of return. And I said, okay, let's get this difficult conversation started. I followed him back to my office. I set some ground rules. This is how this is going to go. We're going to have this difficult conversation, but we're not going to have it in the way it happens on your couch, in your own living room. We're going to have it with some skill and some expertise. So one of them started, say what you got to say, but say it like this. And the conversation began 30 minutes into the session. It was actually not a divorce that they wanted, that each instead was feeling exceptionally misunderstood, taken for granted, discounted. And each in their own way took responsibility for their part in what had transpired over the giving months that had created a tremendous amount of drama and conflict, not only for themselves, but for their children. This can happen in singles as well. Singles who are in a relationship, building lives, co creating together have a bright, happy future. And all of a sudden the bottom falls out and each of them become scared and in their own ways. Through the conversation it was determined that what they needed most was space. What they needed was not a divorce, but space to recalculate what's going on for me. What do I need to understand about myself? What is my role here? What do I need to clean up as far as messes go? And what is the dynamic when we bring you and me together that creates the us? And so at the end of the session, it was wonderful when the client that wasn't going to come in at all turned to me and said, wow, I feel so much better. This is a really great plan. I think we're going to be okay. And I think to myself, like in one conversation, one is all it took for them to realize that a divorce wasn't the thing that was inevitable. It was simply they didn't know how to manage the cycles of conflict that they had found themselves in. So today I want to talk about that conflict of cycle. I want to help you understand it so that you can see it for what it is. Here's what you need to know. Conflict happens inside of ourselves. Yes, it can be prompted from our environments and the inner place of others. However, it is a very internal experience for Each of us. This is why we don't all react the same to the external pressures of life. We all have an interpretation of that. We all have an inner conflict that fires off. I hope that you can start to see if this is the case, and indeed it is. It's inevitable that we are going to upset our partners without intending to do so. And it's unlikely we understand why the reaction is as it is. We will then defend our interpretations of our own experience as well as defend our reactions, which creates a cycle of conflict. The more we are in conflict, the less understanding we have, not only individually but collectively, and the more emotional pain increases within us, which causes us to fight and create more conflict, more drama, more misunderstanding, more chaos, more emotional pain. This continues until we become desperate to end the emotional turmoil we're feeling and gain some peace and clarity. So one of three things is going to happen. The first option is we adapt to the ongoing conflict by staying together, but building and living very separate lives. And I think we don't have to look very far to find many people in our sphere of influence who have chosen this path. Number two, we end the relationship. We decide we're done. This is as far as we can. Just like the example I shared. That's what came to them. This emotional intensity is off the chart. We've both said and done some crazy, and it's. I guess this is, we got to be done. We're gonna. We're gonna kill each other. We gotta be over. This has got to end. So we end the relationship and go, well, I guess this is it. We'll get a divorce. Or we ask for space in an attempt to understand ourselves so we can transform and grow both as an individual and as a collective. In my relationship, and I hope that you see in this that asking for space is actually the healthier option. Isn't that ironic?

I think in our comment section, just because of all the bad advice that's out there, where if you take space, your relationship is over, or you've chosen the wrong person, or your partner's an idiot because they asked you for space in the first place. Space has become so vilified. In the last episode, I said it's because. I think a lot of the reason is because in the media, the way space is portrayed is it's always the precursor to the relationship ending. So of course that's why it's vilified. And it makes a lot of sense because we've only seen bad examples of space where it's just the partner asking for space, they can go cheat and then they break up with you anyways, or, you know, it's asking for space so they can go get a divorce attorney. All those things. And yes, sometimes that is true, and sometimes that is why space happens. But in the example that you so beautifully explained, it is the healthier option, but it's with a big caveat that it needs to be done with a purpose and a plan. I think a lot of the people who are misunderstanding us in this long series of episodes we've done because they're only listening to little snippets of them, think that we're perpetuating this myth of bad space and that it's okay that it's happening. No, if space is taken, it has to be done so very strategically. And that is what we're trying to educate the masses on about why it's happening and how it's possible to do that. And I just love the story you just told because it so clearly illustrates, number one, why space becomes needed so often because we lose ourselves in our relationships. And number two, do we kill ourselves and stay in a bad relationship where both of us are dying on the inside just so that we don't have to take space? Okay, we're going to stay together no matter what, and space is terrible, so we can't take it. So let's just stay in this really unhealthy dynamic where we're fighting uncontrollably and no one is getting their needs met and no one is feeling heard. Or do we take the space so that we can fix those things and come back together and be so much better than we were? That is the real crux of this argument that we're having.

And when you really lay it out like that, what are your options really, when you're not happy and you're in this cycle of conflict? Yeah. I mean, unless you've got an option I haven't thought of which you don't, These really are options.

Yeah.

And it's interesting when you lay them out on a page and you say, oh, wow, space really is the healthier option of those two other options that I have available. What else are you going to do? And yes, are we going to those who have chosen to stay and deal with and adapt? I mean, there's no right or wrong or good or bad or inferior, superior. It's an opportunity for us to go, wow, that really is the bottom of the barrel. These really are my options. And now I need to choose for myself which option is going to Serve me best based on who I want to be in this moment and who I want to become in the future and the experiences that I want to have as an individual.

I have one other thing to add that I think you'll build off of is I'm sure all of us witness relationships where the couples have taken that first option, where they've decided to stay together, and they're both dying on the inside. And we as outsiders probably say, look at this wonderful, healthy couple, and we praise them for staying together for, however, 30 years of staying married. But if they were honest, they would have probably liked to take space to fix the problems that were happening. But they couldn't do it, or they didn't do it, maybe because of societal pressure or maybe for some other reason. But we don't realize that by doing that and by putting people up on a pedestal and by saying space is toxic and all of these other things, we're making it impossible for other people to get help when they need it, because maybe they know that their relationship is inspiring to other people and they don't want to admit that it really sucks. You know, so there's so many, many things that we're not thinking about in the situation where we make space the villain.

It's kind of like sometimes the best answers are vilified. I'm thinking of, like a mental health issue right where and raising my hand and saying, hey, I don't know what to do here. I'm emotionally struggling. We all know what it feels like to have some kind of a judgment there, when really what, given my options of what I'm left with, wouldn't that be the same superior option to just go, it's okay for me to be able to do this? Yeah. There's so many places where me being able to get the help and support and ask the questions that I need are stopped by us because of the fear we feel within the judgment of society and culture. And I just want to say we've got to step past that and do what we know we need to do for ourselves. And space is yet another one of those conversations. Like, space really is our opportunity to gain peace and clarity and an understanding of myself. And so that we come complete a cycle of relationship again and again and again. We don't always have to take space to do it, but we can take space within the walls of our own experience to be able to come back around. And this is how we get better at relationships over and over and over and over, just as we get better at becoming who we are over and over and over. It's dispelling the reality and the myth and the lie that there's some stagnant set it and forget it. And that you do these certain things and then you're done and you've arrived. And we do this financial, we do this individually, we do this in our relationships for sure. But there's no set it and forget it. There really is.

Not to be fair, I don't think there's many of us out there, us included, which is easy to understand why the space is. Is the villain. Because we don't have many positive examples and stories of when space is taken. And it is an ultimate place of transformation. So we're here to change that story. I can just tell you, a listener, we are because we've been a part of them. And so this is the whole reason from episode 140 and now going forward multiple times is because. And we just finished our powerful roadmap. If you're listening to us live, we just finished it and had wonderful stories of transformation and huge discoveries with the people that went through this process. So it can happen. But if you're just taking space for the place of space, it's probably fair to say that just more space will come to you. But space with a plan and a purpose, we've added purpose recently. That's an important another P. The second P of it is going to be transformational, if you're open to it, absolutely is.

So the cycle of conflict is inevitable. It's going to happen. It's going to be part of your relationship too, regardless of the fairy tale story that brought you together. It's because each of us again have our own interplay emotionally of what sets us off. And it's going to be based on our past experiences through childhood, young adulthood, adult life, coming into the moment whenever the two of you decided to collide and create the union that you currently have. Those things are very much within us. And the environment that impacts that is going to be unique and different for every single one of us. So again, conflict is going to be inevitable. It's when it starts to happen that we just don't address it. And if you'll sit with it for a moment and just recognize what I'm saying. If we don't address it because we don't know how, most of us are just going to go along with it and pretend like it's no big deal and not want to be the jerk and not want to bring it up. We don't know how to talk about it. We don't have those skills. It's going to escalate. It's going to continue to escalate. And that's just a principle of conflict cycle in and of itself.

Okay?

So if I don't address it, I'm going to find that I'm more upset more often, which is going to cause me to act out more. And I'm going to act out more, which is going to create more fighting. And you're going to see, over time, it goes from happening occasionally to happening weekly, to happening daily, to happening multiple times a day until there comes a point in time where I go, I can't do this anymore. Like, this is not okay. I know it's not okay. I just don't know what to do instead. And the more it happens, I'm going to do it until I just can't do it anymore, which is then when we start to contemplate those three options I just laid out before you. We're going to adapt, and I'm going to start to live my own life independent of you, because I'm trying to avoid you and the conflict that we create together. I don't want to address it, or I'm going to say, this is done. I can't do this anymore. I need a divorce. I'm moving on, only to repeat the cycle down the road. I'm going to say, I need to ask for space because I got to figure out what my part is. Your part is how this creates us. Right? And maybe I even need to learn some things about a relationship. Maybe I don't know how to do them. Maybe the examples I have, I'm starting to see play out in my future. All of these things are possible because of the next point that I want to make. Our psychological underpinnings, the cycle of conflict is a symptom of psychological underpinnings within us. It is truly the experiences that we have coped or coping with that create the emotions within us. This leads us to repetitive arguments, and I want to give you a few examples here. Number one, some of you might relate to a partner that just appears perfect. They look perfect, they do it perfectly, they're successful. They don't seem to really struggle. They don't even seem to sweat. They don't get bitten by mosquitoes. The world just seems to part whenever the world is in their presence. And by contrast, it triggers the hell out of you. Your feelings are triggered in that pit of worthlessness. Not good enough, not beautiful enough, smart enough Successful enough. All the messes that you've made, you go, shit, you are such an asshole. Not because you are, but because you're so perfect. Thanks for choosing me. And that stirs fear in me where I go, shit, I hope I'm enough. I hope you'll keep choosing me. I hope you really do love me, right? My brain. Because I feel like in my own humanness, right in all my messes, it's causing me to feel a bit inferior and so I can over, please overextend, over, commit, overdo. I can also beat myself up to a high degree. And really what I'm doing is competing with you because you bring out the contrast that I wish I was more like you. I wish I could figure that out. And so I act out on you instead because I don't know how to deal with those feelings inside of me. That's what I mean by psychological underpinnings. Let's talk about another example. I lost an opportunity. I was knocking it out of the park, I was doing fantastic in my life. And all of a sudden the bottom fell out from me because of sickness, because I got fired because of an inadequacy. I got chosen over somebody else, or heaven forbid, I've got to retire. It's time for me to tap out. And in that I lose my identity. My partner's success almost becomes unbearable. They seem to be getting a promotion, making more money, their little online business, knocking it out of the park. And all of a sudden I notice I'm starting to feel a bit inferior as a result.

And they're running triathlons in their spare time.

Exactly. Damn them. And so again, it brings out all my psychological underpinnings or all the triggers or all the places where my own fears and insecurities are being fired off. And in relationships. Guys, I need you to know this is inevitable. If there's anything relationships are 100% very good at, is showcasing and bringing up all your fears and insecurities as a human being. You have a contrasted partner sitting right across from you. And what they do or don't do brings out the best in us and the worst in us. And that's how. How about one more? I personally, let's just hypothetically pretend have experienced some sexual trauma. And our lovemaking brings up emotions and feelings in my body. I don't want to feel. So I reject you. I push you away. I make up excuses and stories. Because I certainly don't want to tell you about the sexual trauma of my past. You might judge me for it. And I'm already struggling enough with feeling like I'm worthless. Okay, we're not going to talk about that. I'm going to make up excuses again and again and again and again only to find that you initiate less. And I find the space between us broadening in that huge gap that often happens. And I want you to know, if you have experienced sexual trauma, there. There is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing broken. What is the problem is the fact that you can't admit it, that it happened. But it has nothing to do with your worth. And it's okay to share that with your partner, because believe me, the things that they're making up about feeling rejection from you are far worse than you disclosing to them that you've had this experience. That's going to be the puzzle piece that snaps into place, that goes, oh, my gosh, that makes so much sense. So it wasn't me the whole time. It wasn't that you didn't love me or find me attractive or thought I was repulsive. It's just that you've had this experience you don't know what to do with. That's a tender moment. That's a moment that brings closeness and bonding, not judgment, the likes of which you're probably afraid of. And these are a small, small example of the underpinnings of our psychology and our experiences and our traumas that never get put on the table, that we continue to live in illusions, and yet we never have the conversations around.

I have another one to add. Just quickly carrying the mental load. It can become something that is too much to bear, and you don't know how to express that to your partner. Today I have a real life example. I was feeling very overburdened with the mental load of being a woman of a household that has the traditional womanly roles that I've taken on myself. No one asked me to do it, but I just want to give the men or the people who don't carry the mental load of the house an example of what that sounds like in my brain. So my fiance knows I'm really busy with work. So I texted him and I said, hey, babe, I need some help today. And he said, okay, what do you need? And I said, I need you to wait a minute so I can type out what's going on in my brain. I just want to get it out. So I said, my dinner plans tonight were to make shepherd's pie, but I have. I don't have ground beef because Kroger Left it out of our click list order. And also you took the car to work today, so I don't have a car to go to Kroger to get the beef. Also, so you're going to get home from work too late for me to make the shepherd's pie in order for us to eat it before our love and Limbo separation support session tonight. So I was wondering if maybe you could go to Kroger and get a frozen pizza so we could eat that after the session. But also get the ground beef so that I can please make the shepherd's pie tomorrow. And also we need a can of wet cat food in something else. And just think about that for a minute because all of that was swirling around in my head for like four hours today because I was just trying to figure out, should I put in a Walmart order so they can deliver me the ground beef? But that's gonna add like seven bucks to the cost because of the delivery fee, so I don't know if I wanna spend that. But also I don't wanna burden him with having to go to the store after work because he's already worked a long day. We both work long hours. So, like, just navigating that along with trying to get my job done and get ready for a recording, the podcast and all of those things. I think a lot of times men I'm being a little stereotypical, but it's a lot of times men don't carry the mental load. So sharing that all felt good. I'm not going to do that every time I need to text him and ask for help, but I just needed to get that out of my head so I could move on with the next part of my day. But I just want to express that a lot of times that's what we're carrying up here, you know, it just hinders you because you're constantly carrying around like an inventory of all the things that you need to do do, and all of the things that haven't been done yet, plus all the other things that you just have to do every day. Naturally, just being a human, you know.

This is a result of having so many options because there used to be only a few options for you to have available to get dinner on the table, clean the house and take care of the kids. There were not all of these options available. And so you start to see that the requirement of us to navigate all of these options becomes the mental load that we are now burdened with in our culture and in our society. It used to be Pretty simple, right? And now it's made complex because of our options. And yet that's a good thing, right? It's just, oh man. Our brains are very desperately trying to adapt to this mental load and all the options that we have. We didn't have the option of ordering it online or swinging by and picking it up, or having it doordash delivered, for example. It was either you had it or you didn't. And if you didn't, then we're gonna have to figure out something else. Right?

And also, usually in the past, only one person in the household worked outside of the home, so the other person's mental load was to take care of the home. So in essence, it was more of an even division of labor back then because both partners weren't expected to have full time jobs. So it's a modern problem that we haven't figured out how to solve yet. And I know it adds a lot of stress to relationships because the people who carry the mental load have a very hard time sharing it because there's a lot of issues that happen there. But I know that's a big issue that's currently happening in relationships.

Well, and as we know, many people who are in the place of space and they work their fannies off trying to understand and do better so they can show up better only to find this reality which is highlighting as well. The reality is in our relationship and our space cycle of conflict, we've both said and done some terrible things to each other. And then one of you has the audacity to improve yourself in this time of space. You actually start showing up better, communicating better, being more thoughtful and kind and helping me and wanting to willingly help with the mental load. And this is going to cause the person who didn't improve to feel even worse about their own behavior. So they become even more aggressive towards you instead of cheering you on and the behavior changes that you made, sometimes this can make our brain go, what the F is happening right now? You said you wanted this. You said this is what you needed. I'm giving it to you. And now you're more angry and aggressive than ever before. And so this is what it is. This is what is meant by the emotional and psychological underpinnings of our personal internal experiences. They're not going to make sense to somebody outside of you, but they make perfect sense to the person who is experiencing them. And yet those are not the things that we talk about. What we tend to talk about are all the ways that you're still not hitting it Right. Because I'm still feeling that feeling. Instead of realizing we've got to start talking about the way these things make me feel instead of what was done. That's the heart of the matter. Those are the things that are going to help us go in a different direction. Okay, so how do we begin to transform our fights into lessons and break the conflict cycle that we're talking about? Hopefully that gives you an idea of why it happens and to help you understand it's inevitable and then helps you highlight the three potential possibilities you've got to manage it. Okay, our suggestion is that you transform these fights into lessons that you can learn from. And in that you're going to understand yourself better, you're going to understand your partner better, and you're going to understand how to co create us better, which is what space is all about. So here's the deal. Because we have a brain that can learn from our emotions, not just our behavior, instead of just simply react to our emotions like an animal does, we have the ability to turn fights into lessons. So here's a step by step guide for you to deconstruct your conflicts and extract valuable lessons from it. Number one, it has to begin by taking ownership of your part. So right out of the gate you can start to see the problem. If I refuse to take responsibility, if I refuse to even create an awareness that it might be potentially something within me that fires the trigger off. Right. It's like the trigger happened. Yes. And we want to point to the trigger and go, haha, ah, that's the problem. But did you ever think to ask yourself why the trigger upset you? That's the key. Like why is this a big deal for you? Well, isn't it obvious? It should be a big deal for everybody. I say, well wait a minute, hold on. It's not a big deal for everybody. It's important for you to understand why it's a big deal for you. What's that about? Where do you go? What do you believe is true? What is the meaning? You're associating with the trigger that just happened to you. You, there's something for you to discover about yourself there and we need to figure that out for ourselves. That is work, my friends, that only we can do. If you take it out on the person and you try and control something outside of your ability to control it, you're going to approach and step into the cycle of conflict. There is no other way. So I'm going to beat you up for not knowing better, for not saying it, for not understanding where I'm coming from, for not knowing better. And that's going to be. My focus is not on understanding me, but in punishing you. So the first step is I have to take ownership for my part. If I say or do anything that makes me feel icky about the person I am, then I need to take a look at that. Because I am practicing giving myself an allowance for saying horrific things to people I say I love. And that's not going to ever fix the problem. It's going to make me feel terrible about me. This is what I call emotional digestion. And that is an important part of being a human being. So once I have ownership of my part, I need to disclose that I'm ready to share and invite my partner to share their part with me. Because you know what? Everything I just described, that may be going on for you, it's going on for them, too. They have a whole different narrative about what just went down in a whole different set of things that ticked them off and plugged them in and fired them off, and they're thinking the same thing you are. If that so and so could just stop or start doing that thing that drives me crazy, then we would be fine. As we point fingers at each other, this is how things escalate. So I take ownership of my part. I understand it to the very best of my ability, at least at a very minimum, I understand that when you do or say this or when this happens, it causes me to go there. This emotion, this thought process, this meaning. And I'm ready to share that with you. I'm ready to disclose that. And I invite you to let me know when you're ready to. And then we're going to begin the conversation by reassuring each other that we're doing this because we care. We want this to go well. Right? Isn't that why you have difficult conversations in the first place? Is it really to just argue and beat each other up and say terrible, horrible things about the last time and when and right. You screwed it up and you forgot and it was terrible there. Just think about that for a minute. What are we accomplishing? Nothing. Why are we doing this? Why are we trying to get through it? Because we care. Because we want this to go well. Because this matters to me. I want it to go well. I want to do a better job on my side of the equation. Okay, so then we need to set it up like that. So it's a little thing I teach about fairy dust. I'm doing this, and I'm willing To have this conversation, to make my armpit sweat and to say things that are uncomfortable and to feel these awkward feelings inside of myself as well as take responsibility for. For my part, because I care about you and I care about us. I want this to go well. Well, say so because how easily we forget when the emotions, especially the ones we don't want to feel, start to fly. And then the next one is, we need to seek understanding. It's a principle of this. We have to give and receive not only in great lovemaking, but in our communication as well. Because I don't want to get caught on either side of it. I don't want to be talked at. I don't want to be coerced or forced or told how I feel. And I. I also need to give my part what sends me crazy, what upsets me, what's not working for me, what it is I would like to see happen. And both of these are very important parts to the us. And if I don't know what they are for me and my partner can't seem to get to what it is for them, you can start to see it's really, really difficult for us to have a conversation that's productive. And this is why we tend to fight instead of find solutions. We simply don't know how to get there. So seeking the understanding is important. And I'm going to encourage you to seek the understanding of the partner first, which is going to require you to drop your agenda, your plea bargaining, your begging, your coercion, your cornering to just get them to understand you first. How about if you take the high road and just say, all right, help me understand what just happened for you when we got into that fight we had last night or 15 minutes ago or 30 minutes ago.

And the important part of that is to be quiet and to listen, right?

So it's just hard.

It's very hard.

That's why we call it an emotional push up. It's hard because you're so wanting to make your point and you're so wanting to be heard and understood and you're so seeking that validation that, no, I know better than you, you got it all wrong and we can barely contain it. And so I'm going to invite you to contain it to the very best of your ability and understand where they're coming from first. Because once you understand where they're coming from, at least you understand why they might be showing up and behaving the way they are instead of you trying to shut them down in an effort to plead your case. What have you accomplished? I'm going to tell you what you're going to do. You're going to shut the conversation down. Once they feel that one or one of you is not interested in hearing my side of it, they're going to go, you know what? Screw you. It won't matter what your agenda is or how many data points or charts you can, like, produce. It doesn't matter what the evidence is. They're going to feel negated, unheard, right? Misjudged, shut down and the conversation is over. What happens when the conversation is over? Nothing. We cannot find solutions.

We're not talking. It's not going to take us anywhere.

The thing that happens is you both feel much worse than you did before the conversation started.

So here's some things I want you to keep an eye on. When you're seeking that understanding, I want you to look for answers to these questions. When this happens for me, I go here. What I would like to ask for instead of what happened is this. Would it be possible for us to create this? Is this something you would be interested in? And here's the thing. Take as many rounds as necessary by pausing the conversation and coming back to it. When you know that you're starting to step into that conflict cycle. Refuse to go there. No, no, this isn't where I want to go with you. I don't want to do this anymore. Let's just reset. Let me go and evaluate some of the things that I need to own and understand about myself. You do the same, and then let's come back around and take another crack at this. I promise you that every round will help you understand something better about yourself. And every round will help you understand more about your partner and about what's really not working here. Yeah, it might take you 50 rounds. Hell, let's say it takes you 150. Wouldn't you rather take the 150 rounds and each round giving us a little piece of understanding as we go? Compared to the emotional pain and the escalation of where you are in your conflict cycle, I would choose 150 rounds. And I do choose 150 rounds sometimes. I just want you to know I'm right there with you. I also, in this conversation, would be remiss if I didn't highlight the importance of. Importance of empathy, which is the ability to walk with you in my seeking of understanding. I've got to set my agenda down long enough in order to understand and truly walk with you in your path. It won't make a lot of sense to me. I'm not going to agree on all the points, but it's going to give me an understanding of the person I say I love. Isn't that what you're after? Yeah, it is. Active listening. Yeah, it's something we all got to get a lot better at. Listening to conversations and listening to my partner when they have something to share that is challenging me is one of the most difficult things you will ever embark on. But I'm going to tell you it's a worthy effort. And vulnerability, that thing you say that terrifies you. Oh, well, you gotta understand that's a superpower. And the more you can get comfortable going there, the better your relationships are going to be because you're having the conversations that matter and not a bunch of dropping a hint in trying to corner somebody. You're not going to be stuck in defensiveness and manipulation. You're going to be having the conversations that matter most. Because maybe for the first time in a long time, you're sharing the truth about yourself. And that needs to be known if we're going to truly uncover the solutions that continue to be a problem in this relationship. And often that's what space gives us, is the willingness and the motivation to finally get vulnerable and say what you gotta say. Tell the truth about what the hell you've been feeling for a really long time. And now, because the relationship is in the balance, I'm willing to lay the card on the table. The reality is I could have done it a long time ago, but I was making it up that it wasn't important and it didn't matter. And now that I see that my relationship is hanging in the balance, I see it's important. And if not now, when? And it usually is a Hail Mary just like that, that finally causes us to be vulnerable. What if we were to just step into that conversation and that idea proactively that we recognize and realize that if I'm not going to get vulnerable, relationships don't work. Well, what if we were to just lay it out on the table like that for you? You want a relationship, you want to find solutions. You want to create deeper connection. You want to step out of the cycle of conflict. I guarantee you 150% it's going to cause you to get vulnerable in a very big way. So let's go there and you're going to find. Wow, okay. It wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be. Actually. It sets me free. It's the thing that Feels so good. It's the thing that gives me the peace, the chaos, the love, the connection, the bonding, all those things I say I want. All I had to do was get a little vulnerable and tell the truth. Yeah. And instead I did all of these other things and escalated the emotional pain. Also, it's important to address underlying issues head on as we show up as good as we feel. That's just the reality for all of us. Many individuals are not really talking about the truth, so solutions become very difficult to uncover. I want to point out also that our individual growth will contribute to the relationship's growth. Hence me showing up as a better me by taking space, has the ability to powerfully contribute to a different dance and a different dynamic in us. And without it, it's probably going to remain the same.

On my clarity calls, I always share with people that in our world, behavior change is the gold standard. And I ask people, how often do you encounter someone in your circle of influence showing up in a more empowered manner? How often does that happen? And every time, very infrequently. And I say exactly. That's why when we do encounter it, it's. We remember it, it's noticed. So that's why behavior change is so powerful. So if we're showing up in a better version of ourself, in this with your partner, he or she, they're going to notice it. And it oftentimes is a catalyst that will bring that, what I would say, the hesitant husband, wife, spouse, partner to the table that was otherwise maybe resistant because they're seeing you show up in a way that's very different than how you occurred for them before.

And yes, it's just like in the beginning. And this is why we call it a cycle. We need to create a shared vision for our relationship going forward. What do we want this to look like? And not forever and always. That's too far. That's too big. That's too big of a leap. But how about just for the next 30 days, what would we like to create and what's a vision for us to shoot for in the next 30 days? This gives us hope. It also gives us a target. It gives us a place to dream. And when we really think about it, that's how we created this relationship in the first place. Which brings me to a phrase I want to share with you. Relationship recycling. Why don't. What do I mean by that? Relationship recycling is just this understanding and embracing the fact that that relationships are going to go through cycles. What is a cycle? A cycle is a predictable pattern that happens again and again and again. Night today is a cycle. My yearly birthday is a cycle. The seasons of the year is a cycle. And there are many other cycles inside of the lives that we live. And so it is in relationships. We're going to go through cycles where we fall in love again. We redesign our relationship. We run into conflict, we have problems, we don't know what to do about it. We decide on solutions. Which brings us back to falling in love again. It's a cycle. We have to embrace that cycle instead of panic and learn to work with it. So this relationship recycling is something that we want to get really good at instead of something that we resist panic, get fearful of, run like hell, blame other people, and recognize, no, you're just in this cycle. And the easy, the easier we can step into the cycle and embrace the cycle and understand the cycle, the better it is for us to navigate through the cycle that's inevitable. And when we're in a place of space, what are we really doing? We're going all the way back to the beginning again, like we're dating. That's what we're doing. This is what I need. What do you need? What do you see for our future? This is what I see for our future. Would you like to create this? Would you like to create that? Would you like to go there? Could we change this? Could we go there? And when we start getting. Yes, yes, yes. You want to do that, too? Wow. Okay. I never knew. Oh, wow. You want to switch that? Oh, my gosh. I was hoping you were going to say that. I've wanted to do that for years. Then all of a sudden you start to move in. Let's do it. Let's go. Let's get all in. Let's commit, let's drive for that vision. And we know that we're going to bump into challenges again. And the better we can talk about those. As we have described in the podcast here today, the easier it is for you to transition into the cycle of finding those solutions, implementing them, and coming back to falling in love again.

I also want to add that when you do this work that we've described of addressing your repeated conflict cycles and working to remove those so that they don't continue to come up. Then you're also removing the need for space in your relationship so you don't have to be fearful that your partner is going to be asking for space anymore, because you're working towards a more secure attachment with each other, where maybe you just need space for an hour. So it's not this continual fear that's going to come up for you because you're removing the reasons why space is required in the first place. So it's kind of a two pronged thing that you're doing, which I think would give people some comfort to know.

That, that you know, absolutely space is requested. Or those other two options, a divorce or adaptation happens because we hang out in the conflict cycle for far too long. We don't know how to dance with it and so we run out of emotional gas. We put ourselves on life support and it's a survival need in order to create space or one of the other two options. If we could accept it as a cycle that is inevitable, then we could dance through it. And like, like Brooke said, we wouldn't need six months to a year or five years of space to figure it all out. You can take a day and go.

Maybe just go on a drive and say, okay, I'm good to go through those steps.

What's my part? What do I need? Where am I at? What am I feeling? How do I ask for it? And the more you do this vulnerability, sharing, understanding, problem solving, solution, recognize the. The more reticent you are to lay the real problem on the table instead of all the bullshit we do do instead. And I say with loving intent because we're going to do the unless we know what to do instead we all do it. But when we can get really good at laying the real issue on the table, then we can solve anything because we're really solving the issue instead of trying to troubleshoot all the little symptomatic problems of the real problem. And we never really get to the heart of the matter. And that's what I find more common in couples than anything else is they don't have the ability to really talk about the thing that is the problem. And they get lost in all the little symptoms of the problem because they don't know how to lay the real problem on the table. They don't even maybe know how to find it in themselves. It's become such an illusion for themselves as an individual that it becomes a massive illusion as a couple. And that breaks my heart because they start to make up a lot of things that just simply aren't true about themselves and each other. Relationships. The majority of them have a tremendous amount of potential and there's always one person in the relationship that sees that untapped potential and it's real. But one person has run out of emotional gas and the potential no longer matters. They just can't show up and contribute to it anymore. And I just think there's so many things that I want to share and impart with you. That doesn't need to be the case, it just does not. But it comes as a result. I've done it myself. It comes as a result of not understanding relationships and understanding the the skills that are necessary to navigate them. So we repeat these things again and again and again because we don't know better. There are tools for change and we need to practice these tools and exercises such as reflective journaling prompts saying what you got to say and structured communication exercises to take advantage of the opportunities of space. After all, space without a plan and a purpose, simply space and often leads to breakup. There are tools that can help couples navigate conflicts and the needs for space space more effectively. And it's important that we understand and know there are options out there. There are options for you and we're willing to teach and show you them. Take you by the hand, walk you through them if you're ready and willing. There is a transformative potential of viewing conflicts as a catalyst for growth. That's what space is all about. It's important for us and it's time for us to recognize and address and break the conflict patterns. This is key to a stronger bond in our relationships overall. And I want you to know you can do this and you can be better for it. Many have successfully gone before you and I know that you can do it too. It's available to all of us. As it was once said by the great Leo Biscalio, we all have the ability to love. But will we develop the personal capacity to do so? Will we? That is a choice we all make. Love is not for the chosen few. It is for all of us. But we must be willing to do what is required to attain it. Just as we would say about a crib, a career promotion, physical, mental, emotional health and wealth. The same is true in love as well. So today I invite you to join us. If this is a time for you to get better at this thing called space. If you're ready to turn your relationship conflicts into a catalyst for growth, I invite you to join us for the Love and Limbo 30 day roadmap starting in January 2024. Together, this is where we will break old patterns and build stronger bonds and start the new year with a renewed sense of love and understanding. I need you to know spaces are limited. So if you're ready, you need to head over to loveinlimboroadmap.com to secure your spot. I promise you this. You make one choice, and my team and I, Brooke and Tom, will take care of the rest for you. It's time to transform your relationship journey into one of healing and happiness. Let's break the cycle. Let's help you understand how to get better at this thing we call love. That's what we live and breathe for as a team. Right, Team?

Absolutely.

Yep.

Also, I also want to invite you to do this for all of you who have turned. Turned conflict into transformation. I would love to hear your stories, like, reach out to us and share them with us because we are going to commit to standing as evidence that space with a purpose and a plan transforms lives and it transforms love. So if you have a story that you would like to share with us, we would love to hear it. Because what we know is that space with a plan and purpose does exactly that. It transforms lives. That's what we're all about. So let's have a little bit of fun today. I was thinking about cycles, of course, because of obviously the topic of our podcast, cycles, again, is just any kind of a cycle that's predictable. Give a. Fewer give a give or. Or take a few days or moments. Right. Like seasons or a cycle. But so is a day. Sunrise, sunset. They kind of earmark the beginning and the end of a cycle each and every day. And I imagined myself, which I wanted to send and share with you today, is enjoying a sunrise or a sunset. There's a particular essence to that, a particular energy that is just glorious. It's a place of peace. And you can see in the sunset, like the light kind of being removed from the planet. You can see the. The wildlife kind of migrate in for the night. Everything gets quiet and there's a sense of peace there. And the glory changes from day to day. I don't know that I've ever seen a sunset that looks quite the same. And there is a place there inside of myself where I think, wow, it's great to be here. It's great to be alive. There's a sense of peace and clarity and a moment of gratitude that always becomes a part of my experience.

And where did you. If I say sunset, where. Do you remember some incredible sunsets that we had in Italy?

Gallipoli. Yes. On the edge of the Adriatic Sea.

Incredible.

Beautiful. And I also have had some spectacular sunrises where you see the world start to come alive as the sun comes up.

Although lately I don't listeners Stacy's not often up at sunset in the mornings. Now, sunrise, she's not sunset. Yes, sunrise, she's sleeping deeply because we're working her to the bone.

I. I will confess I see more sunsets than sunrise as I'm not necessarily an early morning person. But I have seen some spectacular in the inverse, right, like the world come alive instead of the world going to sleep and it creates the same experience for me. So I want to encourage you to take some time to enjoy one or both. There is an incredible beauty and peace available to all of us, each and every day and we often and miss it in our scramble and our scurry of day to day life. I want to invite you to breathe it in and ask some quality questions that will inspire you as well. Like what's working for you right now? What are you grateful for right now? And at the very least perhaps we can reflect and say just being here. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the opportunity to take a crack at another day. Let's see what happens. Let's go. So enjoy that. And if you want to share those experiences with us too, we would love to hear them as our song as we wrap up this episode. Our song for this week is a beautiful artist. She's a vocalist. Her name is Yabba. She sings a song called My Mind and oh man, Holy cow. If you want to get emotionally moved, make sure you listen to this song.

Because yeah, I love this song. It's good.

She talks about the things that go on in her mind and she sings about a place of infidelity with the person that she loves the most. And she thinks about losing her mind, which so commonly is a part of needing space when we find ourselves on these conflict cycles. Right. I feel like I'm losing my mind because it's doing all kinds of things that I didn't anticipate. Yeba will sing what you're feeling, I promise, to the core in her beautiful voice. Voice and in her beautiful words. So you can check that out on my webpage stacybartley.com you can also go to Spotify or search up Love Shack Life playlist. I guess that's a wrap for this week. Thank you so much for being here and if this was helpful for you, please feel free to like it, subscribe it and share it to those who need this information.

And I'll just share being that I'm the detail guy. We've as we if you're listening live, we're getting towards the end of the year. Hard to believe we've got if you're listening live a Love in Limbo separation session this evening on Thursday. Then we're having one next week and then we're going to take a break for Thanksgiving and then we have two more in December. So we would encourage you to join one of those that will give you a snapshot and experience of what it's like to be in a gathering of small people and all going through a similar challenges. And it might be a really good place for you to get a feel if the roadmap starting in January is a good fit for you as well.

Thank you so much for being here with us. It's always such a pleasure to connect with you through this, this medium and know that we are looking forward to being back here with you next week. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.