#153: Facing the Storm of Separation: Navigating Relationship Breaks with the Love In Limbo Roadmap

Have you ever felt your heart sink as your partner whispers, I need space. It's like watching your world pause, uncertain of the next scene. Welcome to Love Shack Live. A sanctuary for those standing at the crossroads of relationships, where daily conflicts widen the emotional gap and the hope for a lasting bond still flickers between you. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship expert, and alongside of me are my co host and lover, Tom, and our wonderful daughter, Brooke. We navigate these complex emotional terrains with you, offering a compass to guide your journey back to love. Today, we dive deep into the heart of relationship transformations. We'll share powerful insights from those who have walked this path in our Love and Limbo Roadmap program. They've faced the storm of separation, grappled with inner turmoil, and emerged with a newfound understanding of love and self. And may I say, if they can do it, so can you. Have you yourself ever wondered, how do I find myself when I'm feeling lost in love's labyrinth? This episode today is sure to be your map to rediscovering your inner compass. We'll also preview our upcoming Love and limbo roadmap beginning January 14, 2024. A journey awaits for those ready to explore the depths of their relationships and themselves. Join us today as we uncover the layers of personal struggles, breakthroughs, and the beautiful evolution of relationships transformed by space and understanding. From learning to articulating deep seated emotions, to navigating the complexities of self and relationships, we'll unravel the threads that weave the tapestry of love's challenges and triumphs. How do these experiences shape the way we love, communicate and coexist? Let's embark on this voyage together in the love shack where every heart finds its way home.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

So let's begin with personal struggles and breakthroughs. Because that's truly where the journey begins for all of us. Being able to muster up the courage to go, kids, finally I'm gonna do this thing. I'm done being scared and I'm done living in depression and anxiety and wondering what my future holds. Something's gotta change. I want you to know there's a gap that gets traveled in the Love in Limbo Roadmap. Please allow me to explain this. You have strangers from around the world that gather for a common reason. Separation, the need for space. I've either asked for it or it's being asked of me. This journey is exciting and it's terrifying all at the same time. You then embark on a journey together with a bunch of strangers and you begin to realize you're not the only person in the world who feels the way that you do when going through one Going through this Roadmap One of my favorite stories are two roadmappers with the same name, sharing the same stories and emotions and circumstances, living on two very different continents. We were honored to witness the truth of this. We really are part of a human family having a human experience that is oh so very similar. You truly are not alone. The personal challenges that we face out of the gate are these. The ability to focus on ourself, the ability for us to manage our anxieties, express our feelings and I've already mentioned it, but it warrants mentioning again. Mustering up the almighty courage to engage with the Roadmap community. There's also the difficulty of navigating partner interactions with your person, your spouse, your partner. How is this going to go? What do I say? How do I do it? What's okay? What's the timing? I'm not sure. What if they say this? What if they do this? And then diving into the emotional work which we refer to in the Roadmap as emotional push ups. This is where the community is so important. Tom and I embark on a daily CrossFit journey and I can assure you that because of the community that we're a part of, we will do things in this group that we would never do on our own. And so it is with our emotional work. Sometimes we simply need a little help from our friends. Growth that comes from confronting personal challenges and personal thoughts, feelings and emotions can be found in these shares from actual participants. The first one says the biggest thing for me is trying to learn to ask for what it is I want and setting boundaries. The second one is it helped me.

To realize that I'm not broken, that I do have a big and beautiful heart that is worthy of love and connection.

Becoming more aware and in touch with the idea of knowing me is profound to me.

Emotional push ups. That concept is so healthy to be mindful of.

Learning that a relationship without a plan is like a house without a plan. That's a perfect way to describe why those hard conversations are necessary and worth it.

Learning that putting yourself first is the most important thing that you can do because you only show up as good as you feel.

And the thing that really hit me, she says. For years I've been holding a certain level of resentment toward my partner because after years of begging, he's trying to show up now. Why now? When Stacy said the answer to that that it was because we just didn't know how to show up better for each other before. We just didn't know how. That was a turning point for me. I'd been ready to walk. I mean, I was done. And then I realized maybe we both could be better for each other if we actually knew how to do it better. And so it is, as we take the next step in this journey, as we step into point two transformations, it's changing our thinking and our behavior. Yes, there's going to be fears along the way. And going back to that gap, it's terrifying and exciting in the beginning and in the middle, when we're learning and growing, it can be exceptionally messy as hell. And so we embark on the messy as hell transformation. It has begun. Two necessary things need to happen for behavior change. We must know what does not work. And this is the part that we're all really good at and that we focus on the does not work part. How many lectures, how many times has it been explained? How many times have we been banged on, criticized, put in our place, shrugged off, ignored, eye rolled, yet again you've screwed it up. And if the voices outside of ourselves aren't brutal enough, the voices inside will take care of the rest. And yet we never have the other side of the equation. The critical part of changing our behavior and our thoughts is knowing what to do instead. So all of this conversation we have about not knowing what to do and all of the upset and I can't believe we're there again, and I can't believe you forgot again and I can't believe you did it wrong again and I can't believe you can't show up for me. What we're not talking about is the critical part of knowing what to do instead. If this is not known, we will continue to do what we know even when we know it's a non working strategy. Because I don't know what else to do. What else do you want of me? I don't know what else to do. This is all I've got. I'm at the edge of what I know. And when that's the case, we will do what we know even though we know it doesn't work. The transformative power that comes from the roadmap and the experiences of doing a deep dive is self awareness of ourselves and our relationships. We must know those two parts, what doesn't work as well as what does work and what to do instead when I find myself in those places. So the roadmap influences participants thoughts and actions from this place we talk about what does not work and what to do instead, up to and including practicing it with your community and a roadmap partner. This includes things like how to ask for what you want, setting boundaries and embracing and building self worth from the inside out. What is transformed truly is your ability to emotionally regulate, communicate with tools and confidence, and experience a daily practice of connecting with yourself that will last you for a lifetime. One participant had this to say, the anxiety I felt for so long has stopped and I now know how to bring myself back to a solid place inside of me when I need to. This has proven to support everyone for the better. So step three the relationship with yourself. It really is a new understanding and a new place to step in. New behavior builds an evolving relationship with yourself. So now that I know what not to do and what to do instead, as I begin to embark and practice on those things because it makes sense to me and because I know what to do, my behavior now starts to develop a better relationship with me. It uncovers the ability for me to clearly see where I end and you begin to truly experience a separation of self from your partner and spouse and this will provide you with better emotional regulation. Why? Because I see what belongs to me. I see how I create it with you. I. I understand better how I show up when you show up and I can take responsibility for my part and not feel responsible for everybody's part. We must find the strength in self anchoring and self forgiveness, for this is the only place to truly listen to a different perspective or point of view that is different from your own and not fight. Without this ability, we lose ourselves so quickly. We either take responsibility for everything that's happening and I feel the blame and shame and guilt of it, even though it wasn't mine to own in the first place, or I'm constantly reacting to what is being said and done from the other person's perspective as I feel like I must control it or I'm taking it exceptionally personal. Denise, one of our roadmappers, said this, which kind of sums it all up. Let's talk about true emotional weight lifting. She says. Amazingly insightful, yet entirely practical, with a focus on real skills that you can use in all of your relationships. The true icing on the cake and the most profound was me meeting myself for the first time, probably ever. That's profound when you think about the relationship, the one and only relationship that truly will last for a lifetime. It's. It may not be with your partner or spouse, but it is guaranteed to be the one with you. And sometimes we forget that. And oh how quickly we are to reject ourselves to gain the love and the acceptance that we want from another without realizing, oh the rejection from another. It's far less painful than the rejection of you. Some additional comments about this space of building a relationship with me are these.

I'm becoming more self confident and trusting of myself.

I'm more comfortable in my own skin and being alone. Right now I feel like a whole person capable of beautiful things.

I was able to recognize thinking errors on my own and then forgive myself for not seeing them sooner. I really feel like I found a piece of me I didn't know I could and saved her. I know that's short and sweet, but it's already having a profound effect on my life.

Of course it would. I'm finding ways to better anchor myself and be there for me.

I am able to separate where I end and my spouse begins. I am able to stay clear about who I am and regulate my emotions much more effectively. I also notice I can recover more quickly from rejection.

And my favorite I feel so much more at peace now. That is examples of people who have come home to themselves, anchored in themselves and in forgiveness because they are now behaving in a way that is congruent and true to the person that they truly desire to be. There is an essential place of peace amongst the storm. Regardless of what you might be navigating. No longer is the thought, when my person comes home, everything will be fine.

Yeah, I would say that what we just shared was and we've added this. If you've been following this series since 1:40 episode 140 and above is this. We've added space with a plan and purpose. And this purpose is coming back to yourself. Right? Because there's so much, and understandably so, attention Focus is concerned about the spouse, the husband, the wife, the partner that has asked for space, what he or she is doing. So we help kind of narrow the lane of where we suggest and encourage you to live.

So you finally find a place to anchor yourself and you forgive yourself for all the things you didn't know and you pat yourself on the back for doing your best, which is all any of us can do as a human being. And then you step into the changing dynamics and your relationships with others. It's this question of how do I show up? When you show up, where do I go and who do I become? When you're anchored in yourself, you become the person you've always been. It doesn't change According to the person that's staring you back in the face. I show up as me and I'm congruent. And I show up here and there and everywhere just as I am, without feeling the need to twist and contort myself into various chameleons of who I hope I portray myself as so that you'll love and accept me. When we know who we are, instead of trying to twist ourselves and contort ourselves into something that we are not, we build trust and confidence inside of ourselves. It is then that we will truly show up differently for those we are around. And it will not change. It can bring in a sense of foundation, essentially, it will for yourself, for sure, but it also can knock other people off their feet.

Wow.

Okay. I don't know what to do with this because the way you show up is now impacting me in a different way. I'm starting to see the places where I don't have a footing and I don't have a foundation. And no longer are you taking my narratives or no longer do I have the ability to blame and point fingers at you, because the way you're showing up is consistent and congruent and you don't seem to be reactive. So I push those same buttons and nothing happens. And now I don't know what to do instead to cope, to communicate, to get my needs met. As Leo Biscalia once said, we all have the capacity to love as a human being, but do we possess the ability? This is our greatest relational challenge. Knowing what to do to create the love that we desire. With the roadmap, you now have the ability needed and the healing deepens connections and that now these connections can finally take root from a place that's true, authentic, genuine. Because I have a sense of me and me, it's not knocked off course when you show up. I continue to have a place and the ability and the know how to just do me and what I'm responsible for and what you're responsible for and how I'm showing up may or may not work for you, but now we can tell the truth about what we really have here. And it's going to help us gain some clarity about how we need to go forward. With this ability, we can seek and build new friendships and communities. We can improve our presence and the ability to truly listen in conversations. We can move away from controlling and manipulating behaviors with others because we know better ways to get our needs met. We also can realize the importance and opportunity of understanding another's unique perspective. And what a life giving force that is for me to consider and contemplate. It is truly the ability I continue to expand as a human being and I no longer need to be afraid of you believing different than me. We also have the ability to extend grace to ourselves and others. After all, we're kind of mess making machines. That's how it rolls. I make messes that I learn from and I grow from. And it's important for me as a human being to know not only what doesn't work, but what does. And then we get so focused on the what does work for me that we forget the importance of a mess knowing what does not. We also have the ability to say what we need to say in a way that can finally be heard. Even though you might react to it or object to it, or it might bring things up in you. I now know I'm not responsible for that. I know what I'm responsible for and I know what you're responsible for. I understand what my part is in creating a relationship that thrives genuinely. And now I'm asking you if you'll meet me at the table of love so that we can co create something incredible together. Participant Comments around this piece of the Roadmap begin with this I'm able to.

Hold emotional space for other people, stay present as they speak to me and actually listen to them. I'm also able to handle difficult conversations and not take them as an as an attack, rather a bid for connection and understanding.

I find myself regulating my emotions better when I have issues with others. This has proved to help me with better communication skills overall.

My my communication has improved, but I would say my biggest impact is letting go of my reactions to control my husband. I notice myself using control and manipulation and I'm able to stop and course correct my gosh.

I mean like when I read that it's like wow. I think we can all in unison go with that. That would affect a lot of how I show up when you show up, wouldn't it?

Especially being able to course correct in real time.

Yeah, and the last one is I find myself being more authentic and not hesitating as much to ask for what I need, especially from my husband. These are some of the things that are available when we find this place in the space to become who we were meant to be and have always had the capacity to be, but just not had the ability to. We didn't know what to do instead. And when we do, I stand by what I say. Love and relationships are not for the chosen few as it may appear it is available to all of us, but what will be required of us is to gain the skills necessary and the ability to do some emotional push ups. And if you will embark on that, you too can have a love that tingles your toes. It's available to us all. It's just we've never really talked honestly and openly about what is required to have it. I hope you take that to heart. Stop beating yourself up and blaming yourself. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. Is there some stuff we got to work through and understand? Yes. But that's what we call healing. Remember? It's not the stuff that falls out of the sky. It's this opportunity for me to understand and forgive myself in ways that I just haven't had the chance to do before. Here it is. So now I want to invite you and prepare you for the next roadmap. If by chance you find yourself saying, I want some of that, then I encourage you to listen to that still small voice inside of you and gift yourself the best holiday present you can. A genuine gift to yourself and those that you say you love the most together. I promise you will Blake, break old patterns, build strong bonds, and start the next year with a renewed sense of love and understanding. The upcoming love and limbo 30 day roadmap starts January 14, 2024. I know that sounds like a long way from today, and so because of that, if you sign up now, you'll also be able to attend a bonus live call to prep you for the holidays. And that call is taking place December 14th. There will also be resources available to you beginning December 15th that will help you get ready as well as support you in making new connections before the roadmap begins. And also be mindful there's a Black Friday special coming where we're going to even throw in a workbook to help you with that communication stuff that we all know we need help with. What is the number one complaint that I get from couples? Our communication is trash. It sucks. I don't know how to do it. And you know, somewhere inside of us as a human being, we know communication is at the heart of the matter because we understand and realize on some level that I need to share me with you and you need to do the same in order for us to create connection. So we're going to give that to you as a free bonus. Some things you need to know if this is something you're contemplating. Spaces are limited to 75. So if you know this is for you, we're definitely Going to sell out. So I encourage you to grab your spot. Now, the reason why we keep it at 75 for the moment is because we want to make sure that we can make good on everything I've just talked about today. I won't increase the spaces until I know we can make that happen for every single person who chooses to show up. You can enroll today@loveinlumboroadmap.com and my promise to you is this. You make one choice, one choice to join us, and we'll take care of the rest. I invite you to transform your relationship journey into one of healing and happiness for the coming year and years. That would be the greatest gift that you could give to yourself and your family, hands down. So give it some thought. You know, if this is for you, and if it is, I'm just going to invite you to take action today.

Today we had a question sent to us, a voice message, and I would like to play it and then we're going to answer it. And also a few social media questions that I want to ask, too before we end the episode.

Hi, Stacy, Brooke and Tom. I've been listening to your podcast. They're amazing. Wanted. My question is, I curious if one person, which would be me, has been in therapy reading books on attachment, reading books on boundaries, really trying to figure this, the separation out. I was the one that brought, brought up the, deconstructed our marriage about a year and a half ago and did a deep dive just to understand myself. But now we're separated and my husband is just starting the journey, Maybe starting the journey. He's looking into it. How do you navigate? Not trying to push out resources and information and when he seems open to it. But I don't want to cross his boundaries. I want to allow him his own journey. But it's super hard. So that's my question. How do you navigate that? Thank you.

What a great question. You know, we can all relate to that.

Isn't that such a good question?

I know we can all relate to that feeling of like, oh, I have this really good stuff. And it, and it really did this for me. And oh, my gosh, you've got to do this too, right? Everything from like our favorite lattes at Starbucks to, you know, the movies that we found on Netflix to, yes, even understanding attachment styles, boundaries, and many of the things that I've learned in space.

Yeah, there's so many people in our comment section often who say, can I send this to my partner? And when I'm the person answering the comment I always say you just have to be super careful of what you send to them because it's so easy for it to be taken as an attack or a passive aggressive way of communicating or all of those things.

Absolutely. And so your best solution is saying, you know what? I know what it's like to struggle with that. I, I've struggled with that too. And I found this really great resource that if you are open to it and want to take a look at it, I'd be happy to send you. Just let me know if that's something that would work for you. Don't just send the resource. Don't just be presumptive and think that you know better than them. I can tell you a couple of things that is completely universal when it comes to us as being human. Number one, we don't want anybody to tell us what to do. Number two, we don't want anybody to tell us how to do it. And number three, God forbid, we don't want anybody to tell us what we feel, what we think and who we are. Like those are fighting words. So when I'm on a journey of transformation, which by the way is the most courageous journey I will ever embark on, it is so much easier for us as a human being to focus outwardly or exteriorly and find all the flaws and all the things that are playing out in my life that cause me to feel and behave the way I do that when I turn inward to kind of do a sorting a cleaning out the closets of myself, I start to uncover and see things inside of myself I didn't know were there. And that quite frankly I knew were there on some level. But I've been terrible. Needs to be a journey of the person who's doing it. Otherwise it's a, it can so quickly turn into you telling me what to do, how to do it, what I feel. I've got to figure this out on my own. I want to, I want to propose this idea so that we can understand why this is so important. If you do it for them, if you send them the resources without their permission, if you tell them what it is they need to know. Because now you figured it out for yourself. It would be very similar in the physical sense of me dragging you into a gym and asking you to watch how incredibly adept I am at doing pull ups and burpees. And I can do £250 in a back squat. And don't you feel so much better knowing I have the ability to do that? Didn't that help you so much. And that is exactly what we're doing in the emotional world. And I get it. Emotion, it's invisible, it's fluid, it's dynamic. If there was some physicality to it, I think it would be so much easier for us to navigate it. This emotional journey has to be one that I, I sort through myself. I do my own pull ups, I do my own back squats, I do my own realizations in my own due time of look, look what I can do. Watch me. I get it now. I figured it out. I know who I am and I have the resiliency and the strength to go back there anytime I need to.

Yeah. And I would say that, think about it. If we go that route, and again, it's usually done from a genuine place because we're so excited. But I would say, just as Stacy, stacking on what Stacy said, we're going to have much more ability to, to inspire others with that quiet demonstration and behavior of our new empowered self. That's going to be much more effective in demonstrating how much we've been doing and working on our journey within rather than, you know, this outward, bravo, you know, bravado. Okay. It's just think about, I ask people and on clarity calls, and I get the same answer all the time. How infrequently do any of us, in our circle of influence of people that we're around fairly consistently, do we encounter people showing up in a much more empowered manner behaviorally? And everyone says not very often at all. And I say yes. That's why I will remind you that behavior change in an empowered manner is the gold standard. And everyone recognizes why, because it doesn't happen very often.

And you behaving in a way that, that somebody else wants to behave is the inspiration that causes me to go, how did you do that exactly? What did you learn?

I want some of that.

I want some of that. And that has to come intrinsically from the person who is wanting to know. And so again, just to summarize, to say what I said in the beginning, I would say, hey, I know what it's like to struggle with this. I've struggled with it too. And I have some resources that I would be happy to share with you. If that's something that you feel right now, you need to. And if not, no problem, no problem. I'll honor that. It's an offering. It's an invitation. That's it. Don't, please send something. Hey, I found this to be really helpful in my journey and you really need this. You really need this.

I mean, again, I understand the enthusiasm, but you know, be the demonstration of what it is you want to share and I assure you that will have far more profound effect on that person that you're hoping that will step up and join you in this journey. It really will.

And in the meantime and just go back to doing you those, those emotional push ups never stop. Our learning and growth journey never stop. So I'm going to ask the person who has done this incredible work, who asked the question, make sure that you remember we don't arrive anywhere. We don't ever get it all done and all figured out. So maintain and continue your journey and you'll be surprised at how quickly your partner will catch up.

And thank you for calling in and or going to our website. And there is a place where you can click a button and you know what this is, We've had that there for a long time. So thank you so much. This is something we've always envisioned to. Let's pick a question that has been asked and answer it. So thank you very much for doing that.

And we invite those of you who are listening to us right now that have questions that are coming up from this. I just want you to know you too can go to our website and ask your question and we may or may not play it on the, the podcast, but we would love to hear from you. That's what we're here for. This is the work that we do. We want to be a resource and a support to you wherever you might be on this relationship journey.

Just two more questions that I think would be a good crescendo to this episode to help others on their journey who are dealing with this. Number one is unfortunately, we are pulling in opposite directions. I have hope and he does not. How do we go on? And then she followed up with, I needed to hear this message that getting him home doesn't fix it. I wish one swift thing did. I'm working on my approach and showing up.

Yeah. You know, one swift thing, one magic bullet, one phrase or verse or resource is not going to help you uncover and heal from and discover how it is we want to go forward. That usually takes many things, many resources, many ideas, many conversations, much sharing. I think the thing to focus on is the journey itself and getting started with the journey itself. As they say, a journey of a million miles begins with step one and the turning and the facing and the embarking and the growing and the exploration. And as we had said to the first question that was asked, how do I navigate this space of growing and expanding and becoming who it is I have the capacity to be. That's the thing that we need to get busy doing. Because if everybody were to get busy doing that, what is to become of us? In the pattern of love and relationships, or what we call. In my world, co creation becomes exceptionally clear. It doesn't become a polar opposite pole. It becomes a common ground where I say, okay, let's work on me and you work on you, and let's continue to explore what's possible here. And when you think about it from that lens, all we're doing is going back to the way it was the beginning when we first came together. I'm focused on me, you're focused on you, and let's explore what we can co create together. And we need to find our way back there. That's literally the message of space and separation. We've got to find our way back to ourselves so that we can figure out what we are. And that's how it works. I hope that helps you.

Last one. These are both comments on a clip from last week's show where you shared the story of your clients that had a lot of healing happen with just one conversation. And then we got two comments that are eerily similar on the video that I want to share and have you respond to, but I want to share them just mostly so people realize that we say this all the time. You're not alone. You know, you. You really think that you're unique in this situation. But it's so common because there's only a certain number of things that we know how to do as humans when we're struggling our relationships without. Without getting help from an expert, you know, there's only so many options you have unless you come to a person like us and we can help you see that. There's so many other options you haven't even thought of. But when you're stuck in this place of limbo, you're. There's a lot of other people out there dealing with the same stuff. So the first comment is, I wish my wife and I could have that discussion. She asked for divorce three months ago and now we are in limbo. Neither of us are filing. And the other similar comment was, I wish my husband and I could have had someone like you instead. At 60 days after filing for divorce and we both don't know if it's really what we want.

Divorce happens and separation happens. When we get to a place as a human being, as I don't know what else to do we kind of talked about it in the podcast today. Like there's two components to transformation that need to happen. I need to know what doesn't work. And most of us are very familiar with that. I mean, if we don't know within ourselves, we've probably had it yelled at, it screamed at, it reminded a thousand different times about the piece I'm doing that doesn't work for my partner or my spouse. But what we don't know is what to do instead, how to turn it around, how to show up differently. And until that piece is uncovered, we will go back to as a human being doing what it is I know to do even though I know it doesn't work, find myself in these same patterns again and again and again because I don't have that peace. And until I have that peace, yes, we get to the end of our rope and we say there is no right place where we can coexist and the fighting's got to stop. And I'm falling apart as myself and you're falling apart and we're destroying everything that we, we hold sacred between us, including our children, our family, our finances, etc and coping with this relationship. So I guess this is a moment. I need to have a divorce. I don't know what else to do. That's my next option. And divorce. I. I want you to know if that's where you are, there'. Judgment. There's no shame in that. Sometimes I do need to let go so that I can find myself. And that being said, there will be another opportunity for you to learn the things that maybe you didn't have the opportunity to learn in the first round or the second round. I want you to know it's never a game over, that life doesn't work like that. We get many opportunities to learn and embrace and become who it is. We have the capacity to be both as ourselves in a co creation. My encouragement to you is just don't stop. Even if you are in a place of space or even if you are and have filed for a divorce, it's still not a game over. I say this, there's no such thing as a felt relationship because every single relationship you have ever been in or will ever be in will teach you something about yourself and life. And how about we focus there instead of the failure? It's only a failure if you believe it is. But it can be just as much as an opportunity for you to understand things about yourself, about love, about life, about how to do it differently going forward. And my hope and the reason why I do this work and I and I do this podcast is that you'll see and understand that for yourself. In my book, you know, feeling like your marriage is dead, A divorce Mediator's guide for creating a love for a lifetime. Understand that Tom is my seventh wholehearted try. I'm a slow learner. It's probably not going to take you seven But I just want you to understand we get better at love by doing it, not because we have some special person or special day or or some magic guru that tells us the way. It is something that we all must develop inside of ourselves. And in that it's going to take many people and many experiences and many skills to practice.

So what could you share for the thank you for that comment. If the people that said they had filed 60 days ago and they're really not sure if that's what they want, what could you offer them? Maybe how would you start a conversation? Perhaps that would be different than what they've been able to talk about in the past?

Well, I can't take the time to do that right now here on this podcast, but I can tell you that in the roadmap we provide many different communication tactics. There's a framework that we we practice literally for many days called let's Talk. And that ability to have a discussion, which was also highlighted in one of the comments. Yeah, discussions are hard and we are unwilling to have discussions if we can't figure out how to have productive ones. So you know what we do? We do the most loving thing we know how to do in a relationship. We stop talking. I stop bringing it up. I try and avoid it because I, I can't risk one more time of this not going well.

And the couple in the story were only able to have that conversation because you were there with them, you know, because all the other hundreds of times that they've tried to have that conversation didn't go well. So I just want to point out that's not because they were a terrible couple. It's because they didn't have the skills and tools and they truly needed a mediator. So for all of the people in our comments saying similar things like, man, I wish I could have that conversation. The truth is, you probably won't be able to have that conversation just sitting on your couch. You're gonna need to join the roadmap or book a one on one session. I'm not saying it has to be us, but you're the reason why you haven't been able to have that conversation is because you don't have the tools and skills and. And it takes a while to be able to use them on your own. You're gonna. That's why the roadmap is 30 days. So we can help you implement them for a month, so then you can go on and use them in your life.

I have many clients who have asked me for a cutout of me that they can place on their couch just so that they can pretend like I'm in the room. I think that's hilarious. Could we.

If we. If we could share, like, how many times we. We often hear. Stacey, could you say that again? Stacy, someone.

Someone recently wrote, can you please craft all my text messages for me?

And that's such an honor. And it's. And it's such a tender space for me because it's such a privilege for me to help couples and individuals on this journey. I don't know, maybe we should come up with a cutout.

You know, well, and I remind people on my. On my clarity calls, I say, guys and gals. I mean, Stacy has said and shared and worked with thousands. These. These are the reason if there's anything Stacy and I maybe. Maybe do differently. There's no walking on water over here, but if there's something we maybe do a little differently than you, it's. We're very good at cleaning up our messes very fast. That's it.

We get back to the good stuff.

Really fast, and we've done it thousands of times. And I would hope we have a little bit of skill, because this is what we teach and coach and mentor as well.

I mean, a lot of rep. Just.

As an example, the other day, I was kind of snarky to my parents when we were recording the podcast, and I felt guilty about it after we hung up. And rather than just holding on to that and being, like, beating myself up for it, I just said, hey, guys, I'm sorry. I'm really tired. I'm working a lot. I have my period, so I'm also hormonal. I'm sorry if I came off root in the podcast. And they were like, oh, no, we didn't think you did it at all. You were kind of sassy, but that's fine. So. But just like we clear. I cleared the air immediately. Like, I clicked end and then sent the text. So just so you know, that is available for all of you too, because sometimes we think that we can't do that for some reason, but it's really easy, and it also clears up your mental space. Space. So you don't have to continue ruminating about that for days or weeks when it really was no big deal. But we do that to ourselves because that we're human. So it's so easy to just clean up a mess as quickly as you made it, and then you can move on from that.

You can let it go. Yeah. Love it. And. And that, my friends, dear listeners, we call a do over. And you can do a do over in a nanosecond. Hey, wait a minute. That was terrible. I didn't like how I came in. And who holds onto it at the end of the day. And I love. I love. Brooke's example of this is we didn't feel like she was snarky, but she felt like she was snarky. So who's going to ruminate on it all day? Her. So she needed to say it so that she could let it go. Yeah. And we just happened to be the supporter of that. And how many times does that happen for you in your own life? Right. Where we need to clean up what it is we're not feeling good about, rather than not feel good about it and ruminate or, you know, know the. The wonderful tactic of being able to justify it so that I can, you know, not take responsibility for it. Then we just obsess and sit in it longer, and then I act out more, and then I have to make up more stories about justifying my behavior.

Well, yeah, you could.

I could just come clean.

Absolutely. You can clean it up in probably one tenth of the amount of mental bandwidth.

And, yeah.

It makes you. It makes you act weird in the future of your relationship, you know, because then I could have been like, oh, God, my parents thought I was snarky last week. And now I'm gonna be, like, weird and kind of anxious on this podcast, you know, that that stuff rolls over, and then you can. So using that in your marriage, if you're doing that with your spouse, then you're gonna keep acting weird, and they're not gonna know why you're acting weird because you're holding all of this stuff inside of you, and you could have just avoided that in the first place by sending that initial text or the.

One I love the most. Oh, because I was such an asshole, I'm gonna have to kiss their ass. So now I over, give over, commit, try and please trying to make it.

And they have no idea why you're doing it because there was no communication about what happened in the first place.

Yeah. And then you get mad and resentful. About that because now you're over overextending, running yourself out of emotional gas, trying to please them. They don't appreciate it. They didn't catch it. They didn't see it. They don't even know what's going on. I just thought you were being extra nice.

So you're adding a phenomenal amount of complexity into something that is really, really simple. You just come in and say, you know what, man, I was a hot freaking mess. I need to do over. Let me just. And then you just literally can rewind. Stacy has walked in the door, hot mess after gosh knows how many one on one sessions said, you know what they babe, I don't like how they went. And we're literally walk back out the door and come back in again. It can be that granular and that fast. Literally.

You know who I do that for? Me.

Yeah.

I mean, certainly I don't want to take it out on him, but I ultimately do it for me. Why? So I can let that go.

Yep.

I hope that helps you. So now it's time for some fawn. It's a Follow the Fun. And today I am so delighted to dedicate today's Follow the Fun to a beautiful Gracie. A listener who reached out to us, followed a Follow the Fun moment by taking herself on a date and then shared a picture of what she had created on her date with us and told us how impactful Follow the Fun was. Like, I cannot even begin to tell you how excited and thrilled I was for her reaching out and sharing with us how this Follow the Fun moment had.

Well, let me just give the listener some context because Brooke and I have many times challenged Stacy to honey, do we really need to Follow the Fun? And Stacy says we need the Follow the fund. So to be fair, there's been 152 or three follow the funds. And Gracie, thank you because you saved Stacy and Brooke and I will lessen up a little bit now. It was very precious. And, and I mean, we would encourage you if something, you know, inspires you and as a. A skip in your step and adds a deposit to your emotional gas tank because of this, Stacy does, in all fairness, put a lot of work into this because she wants to try it out on us, then share it with us. I mean, and Brooke sent it over. Oh, my gosh, mom too. You've got to see what Gracie sent over. It's answered prayer and it really is. So thank you, Gracie, for sharing that with us.

Yeah, thank you so much, Gracie. And so in honor of Gracie you know what she did? She. She did something different. She stepped out of her comfort zone and she decided to take herself on a personal date. And so I've decided to call her. Today's Follow the Fun. Switch it up. Because what Gracie did is something that we can all do in our lives. I want you to just think for a minute. What's a typical evening look like for you? If you're like most of us as human beings, it's probably, grab a bite to eat, cue up Netflix, and then off to bed you go. Another day is done. Does that pretty much sum it up for you, too? This week, I invite you to switch it up by doing something different than your same old pattern. Even if you do the same things, do them differently. Like pick up your table and move it outside, or pack a picnic and eat it on the floor or do something wildly different. Watch another genre on Netflix. God forbid, right? Tom's always saying it's always documentaries. Can we get a little action around here? Like, okay, fine, you know, switch it up. Maybe we need to do a comedy or a chick flick or, you know, just spice it up a little bit. Be willing to, like, reshuffle the deck. It's good for our brains and it's good for our hearts. Go for a night hike. Maybe what you need to do is not sit on the couch anymore. Watch Netflix. You need to get your little fanny moving. A night hike with a flashlight is a heck of a lot of fun. Fun probably doesn't sound like it now. And me just saying that you've got a thousand things that just fired off on your brain that says, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard of. But before you don't do it, try it and then tell me what happens. Go do it and then tell me about it. Don't shut it down and boohoo it before you've even tried it. And that would be true for food, music, movies, experiences overall. Or how about invite a friend over a cup of tea, a glass of wine, a new cocktail, a card game. Just simply do something different. Switch it up so that where you personally will remember that you can.

And please send us something like Gracie did and. And share it with us.

Our song for today. Because we always choose a theme.

Oh, it's a good song. We listened to it right before we started recording. We saw the video. It's really good.

Good.

Really good.

It's simply titled 28, and it's written and performed by Ruth B. And Dean Lewis. And it says this. I had to Lose you on the way to finding me. That is profound because when we have space or we lose somebody, it will cause us to dive deeper into ourselves than we would do otherwise. So that is a profound statement. And I love the song because she and a presumed husband, as they're performing this, talk about each side of why it is they're needing to let go and take space. And, you know, I don't want to blow it. It's like, spoiler alert. But they're in love. They love each other. This is a relationship that has contributed so much to themselves, individually and collectively. And yet, in spite of all this possibility, there's a moment where they feel like they need to let go and leave so that I can find me. And, you know, as I look back over my own relationship journey, I can say that is so true. For I've loved every person I've been in a relationship with. And on some level, I knew that they loved me, but there was a place where I had to let go so that I could find me, me. So give it a listen. Let us know what you think. It's a profound song with a profound message. You can listen to this week's song along with the entire relationship playlist that we have created from all the episodes of Love Shack live on our webpage, as well as on Spotify by searching up Love Shack Live playlist. That is a wrap for this week. Such a privilege and honor to be here with you and. And give a shout out, if you can, to all of our roadmappers. We could not be more proud of them and the progress that they have made.

Always remember the first people. That was our pilot run and it was everything we've done the first time. We always remember them. So, yes, the people that can't thank you enough. It was very, very powerful.

They hit it out of the park. They did more than we ever imagined was possible in a month.

So be a part of that next group. There's only 75 spots we. We. I share with people. Often we pour into people and we don't want to sacrifice numbers for the experience. So we pledge that we will. We've actually, we've. We've hand picked a couple prior roadmappers that are going to be part of the mentoring group. So we're going to be adding more of us. It's going to be awesome. So watch out for our Black Friday special. It's coming at you.

Okay.

Yep.

Bye. Bye for now. Have a great week.

All right, it's time to leave the love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on, ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.