#157: Alone Together: Balancing Self and Us in Times of Separation

Have you ever found yourself pacing the room, phone in hand, hard in your throat, wondering whether to text your person or give them more time and space? If so, I want you to know you're not alone. Hi, I'm Stacy Bartley alongside my co host and lover, Tom and our daughter Brooke. Welcome to Love Shack Live, where we dive deep into the messiness and beauty of relationships, especially when couples are at a crossroads. Today we're pulling back the layers of what it means to truly grow, not just together, but individually as well. Because sometimes the strongest bonds are formed not in the closeness, but in the space in between. How can you turn a period of separation into a transformative journey of self discovery and ultimately into deeper connection with your partner? It's about finding autonomy within the togetherness, nurturing self acceptance and love as an act of relationship preservation, and mastering the art of communication that respects both personal and shared boundaries. So as we peel back the layers today of the heart and soul in today's episode, I want to remind you that the space between you can become the soil for new beginnings. Join us today as we explore how to turn the pause button into a reset for a more profound, more resilient love and relationship.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

So I want to begin the conversation by talking about and reminding ourselves a little bit from the last episode about why we need space in the first place. It's always a good reminder to remind ourselves that we need space because it's a normal, natural place of survival within us as a human being. Space takes place when we run out of emotional gas or emotional capacity. And the need to reconnect and understand ourselves is an instinct of survival and sounds a lot like, I just can't do this anymore and I need to find myself again. I'm lost. These are words spoken from a person who is confused. The internal environment has grown chaotic. They've either overextended themselves or they're spiraling in fear. And when I run out of gas, my instinct is going to be to reach for the solitude of regaining connection with myself once again. Why? Well, because if I fall apart mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, it's a game over anyway. There's nothing left of me to co create with you, or anyone for that matter. So at the risk of me tapping out emotionally, physically, mentally, the self will want to regain a connection with itself. I also want you to know that space highlights the need for personal transformation by way of individual reflection and healing. How does this contribute to the growth of a relationship even during A time of separation. Well, at the heart of that answer to that question is I want you to know as a human being, we all show up as good as we feel. There is no other way. So even though you might be happy or feeling like our relationship is robust and your partner is falling apart, being able to convince them that there's no problems is not going to take care of things. They need to find that inside of themselves. Because again, we show up as good as we feel. So let's begin with the personal growth journey during separation. It's an interesting thing. We know that we need to take on a personal growth journey. So we initiate space or separation so that I can find that place of solitude and reconnection with myself. However, sometimes I just don't know how to put it together. Step number one, the personal growth journey during separation. It's a time to understand the importance and concept of emotional capacity and depletion. And this is the sign I need to do some self work and healing on me. And this is true whether you're the person who's giving space because it's been asked for, demanded and or you're the person who's asked for space. This is what needs to be done. And couples who heed and take this moment and embrace the important signal in their lives, they step into a place of having authentic, vulnerable conversations that lead to understanding and healing for all versus couples who become defensive and manipulative will escalate their emotional pain and traumas in their own efforts to make their partners pay for the mistakes and inflict hurt and pain so that they understand how it feels for them. Maybe now they'll finally get it. And I need you to understand this is not good. But typically it's the common way we go about things. And I know that this is because we don't understand that this is the sign that we need in order to get our attention so that we can step into that uncovering and discovering of ourselves. Now, we don't start out as the person that we are right now in our relationship. We change and transform over time. And that's happening every single moment of every single day. So when we start to bump into these problems years down the road or months down the road, what we don't tend to realize is I'm not the same person I was when we first came together. So there's no way we're going to be able to get back to the good days. We have to move forward and transform our experience in a new way to create good and connection and the things that we long for in our relationships, again, it's a journey forward, not a journey. And sometimes in that lack of understanding, we also feel like what I need to do is act out, get their attention, get controlling, get manipulative, make them pay, rub their nose. And all the mistakes and messes that I foresee on their side. And I'm just going to tell you, that's why nine times out of 10, couples break apart instead of work through it to a better place. So the opportunity of transformation is absolutely ripe. And I want you to, and I wish we could more often take this signal as just what it is. It's an opportunity for us to get better as a couple, and we're going to get better at this by individually exploring and understanding ourselves.

Yeah. And I think that's where it's hard for us to wrap our arms around that, because it's almost like you just said, an oxymoron. How the heck are we going to get better as a couple when we're not together? Which is a fair question. And I think that's why the way that we teach and coach and mentor around it is. It's different. And then it's. Hopefully, it's very refreshing for people. And it is. We know from the people that worked with us in the last roadmap, it is refreshing because it redirects the focus.

Well, why is that? Why is the art of healthy emotional coping at the heart of relationships?

Because if you aren't emotionally coping, which if you, the listener, don't know, those behaviors show up as manipulation, defensiveness, things like that, which we all do. But those are all huge roadblocks to healthy communication. So they keep you stuck. And you can't get anything done in your relationship because you can't hear each other to communicate. That's really the crux of what leads to this need for space in the first place.

And the only person that can get better at this is you. And that's an individual job, and it's work that only you can do as an individual.

How about for the people saying, well, okay, I get that, but why do we have to separate? Couldn't we just do what you're advocating and teaching us right now while we're together?

Yes, we can, and we're going to get to that later in the episode. However, things need to change in order for us to see and understand ourselves. I'll give you that piece right now. Without that, we're going to continue doing what it is we know to do, because as a Human being, we're very limited in what we know and understand to be true. I don't know what I don't know and I've forgotten who I was a year ago, 10 years ago, 20 years ago. I'm not even in touch with that person anymore, Right. And if I continue plodding through our day to day lives just like we are, it's very difficult for me to see and understand myself. So hence the need for switching it up a bit is really, really helpful for me. Being able to come home to understand and see my myself. But before we go there in a deeper fashion, I want to introduce to you the concept of emotional weightlifting. Now, if you're a podcast listener, first of all, thank you so much. It's always such a gift to have listeners that enjoy our work and that it's making a difference in their lives. That's awesome. So this is probably not going to be a new concept for you. However, for those who are just learning and connecting with us, I just wanted to take a moment to talk about emotional weightlifting and how it differs from self work or self love, some of the common concepts that are out there in the relationship space. Emotional weightlifting is the ability and skill to manage my own emotions, essentially to emotionally regulate and cope with the inevitable ups and downs that are coming as a human being. What most of us do as a human being is we react instead of respond. Most of us react in a position emotionally where we don't really even understand why we're reacting. We just know we don't like the way that it feels. So emotional weightlifting is literally gaining the ability to understand what my thoughts and feelings are when the emotions flash, so that then I can formulate a response instead of a reaction, which is going to help us talk through the difficulties that are going to emerge and at the same time, ironically, not lose myself in the process, because I'm being honest about how I think and how I feel. And in that response I can share that and voice that without ripping somebody's face off or getting the hell out of dodge, which are our primary two emotional coping skills that we rely on. So we run a lot and we attack a lot. If I don't have the ability to respond instead of react, that's always going to lead to our relationships needing more space and separation, not less.

And the emotional weightlifting metaphor is meaning we need reps, we need to practice what you just described more than once or twice. Because when we get triggered, it's probably fair to say that we're not going to be Able to do what you just advocated 100%.

And I want to also point out how it's different than going to the spa, getting my nails done, doing something for enjoyment and pleasure. Those are good things too. However, they will never replace what I just described.

And also I said this in our last episode, but I'll say it again. The things that happen during your partner requesting space, it's the most times you will ever want to reach react rather than respond. Like all of these things that are happening are just ripe for reaction rather than response. So being able to emotionally weightlift during this time, it's a big, what we call emotional push up. It takes effort and it takes a lot of building of those muscles. So this episode is really important for that.

And for those of you that didn't listen to that or to remind you, Brooks referring to, we probably going to see behaviors by our partner that we haven't seen maybe ever or certainly in a long time. So that's why Brooks is suggesting to be able to respond versus react is going. They're kind of going to the super bowl right out of the gate.

Well, and not only that, it's probably going to take the behaviors that have driven you to a place of space and separation in the first place, and now you're doing them more or in a more escalated fashion. So I can't get the hell out of here fast enough. And I can't seem to get myself out of this cycle of fighting that we're in. And I'm exhausted from it.

It's literally trigger after trigger after trigger is going to be pushed or triggered in this space. All of your fears, your worst nightmares, your anxious thoughts that you thought would never come true. So like, of course you're going to be reacting and triggered in a hot mess. But that's the point of this episode, to teach you what the alternative is.

Mm, absolutely. So what is the autonomy in togetherness? It's essentially learning the. The ability to distinguish where I end and you begin, that is a big deal when it comes to the emotions. So if I were to put this into a physical context, I would ask you right now to imagine putting your physical hands together with your partner. And as you look at that, as you look at this, where I end and you begin, there's a blending of the two. And yet there's still a place where I end and you begin. And in emotions, because they're invisible, we can't see it, compare it, look at it, analyze it, test it. It's invisible nonetheless. Don't Discount it because so is oxygen. And it's pretty important, this connection we feel. And we know when it's there and we know when it's not. Where we tend to get lost in the relationship journey is emotionally, where do I end and you begin? Like what's my responsibility and what's yours? What's my fault? What are messes that I need to clean up and what are yours and where do we. And how do we distinguish the difference? That's an important thing that needs to be understood. There is an autonomy in togetherness and there forever and always will be. And how we tend to talk about this is, oh, that hurt because you just crossed my emotional boundary. But that's as far as it ever goes. And we tend to draw these very hard, desperate lines that make us fight sometimes even more, without recognizing and realizing. We can dance and explore this through a sharing process. And the more I can identify where I end and you begin, the more helpful it is for you to see the same, not fight about it. So there's a learning that happens in the autonomy and the togetherness. Another pitfall in this place is that nobody can provide you with enough affection and assurance to offset the emotional effects of self rejection or self doubt. And yet in the illusion of our own minds, we feel like somebody should be able to. I get it. It's in a lot of the romantic stories and narratives, you complete me. A lot of the songs and art forms that we have to express this place when we feel so emotionally bonded, those are places that we can't live, those are places that we experience. There's nothing excited and forget it about the emotional journey. So we're going to go through times of feeling exceptionally bonded and together and connected, as one shall they say. And we're also going to experience times of autonomy and growth and self exploration. And there has to be room for both of those to be fluid and go between themselves. Love is an act of autonomy and togetherness or what I love to call co creation. Sometimes I need to be an individual in order to do that for myself. And then sometimes I need the help and support of you and vice versa. And we have to be able to distinguish those things. Otherwise we're going to fight for the things that we need instead of ask for them. And again, nobody is going to be able to complete you. Nobody is going to be able to reassure you enough or validate you enough to the point you don't feel like running. That's work that only you can do as a person. So this work can only be done by the individual. And because I am the only thing I bring to co create with right then if I change and understand myself better and learn how to do an emotional push up and express myself in healthier ways, there is no way that's not going to give the co creation of us an incredible upgrade. That is the substance I work with and vice versa. So my job as an individual is to get my best self to the table to co create with. And what is my best self? A self that understands its thoughts, feelings and emotions. A self that knows how to express, ask for what they need and declare when it is that something is happening that does not work. A self that learns that they don't have to attack in order to get their needs met, that there are many other ways in order to do that. And a self that can also give grace to myself and to the person I say I love. Even when it gets messy.

I feel like when we are asked for space, most of the time people think, okay, I'm about to get broken up with or we're about to get a divorce. So I feel like you saying this is the time to start becoming your best self. I'm playing devil's advocate here is probably the last thing that most people want to do. What they want to do is like I said before, they want to give up and lay on the floor and cry. So why is now the time to do that? You get what I'm saying? Like most people are like, okay, it's the beginning of the end. I'm just gonna give up and see what happens. So why am I all of a sudden mustering up this courage I've never had before and becoming my best self when it's the end of my relationship?

I love that question and here's why. Because it's in these moments of pain that we'll finally muster up the courage to turn and face off with myself and the situation. And we could just replace this conversation of relationship with a whole lot of other things, couldn't we? We could replace this conversation when my car gets repoed or my house is getting foreclosed on. My health diagnosis is just been handed to me and I've got diabetes or cancer, heart disease or high cholesterol or high blood pressure. It's in these moments, come on, let's be honest. We know that there are things that are not working that I need to address inside of myself. But because that is the most courageous work you will ever do, I'm going to kick the can down the road Until I have no choice but to face it or give up. And because we live in a very abundant world that's full of affection and love, in this particular realm, emotionally, there's no physical evidence of the devastation of what I am facing. And so we throw our arms up in the air here, easier than anywhere else in our lives, and just think, ah, I'll go get it somewhere else. Sure you will. And you will find a good fix for a short period of time. Because there's nothing like a good old fashioned sense of interest from somebody that is cute and alluring and delightful and there's nothing quite like an orgasm to put you on a magic carpet ride. And yet you will find yourself in this situation again and again and again. And that's why, because I'm not turning and facing off with myself. So this is an opportunity where finally maybe the pain is high enough for you to muster up the courage and the desire to turn and face off with yourself and go, what the heck is going on here with me? Here's the thing in a nutshell. Avoiders run because vulnerability creates fear. An anxious person becomes anxious because they are desperate for the reassurance they need in order to manage their fears of not being enough. Both are attempting to cope with emotional fears that are only brought to the surface within intimate relationships. You won't find them in their work life, their careers, relationships with friends, so much, co workers, partners, but it shows up acutely right here in the intimate spaces of my life. So as we take another step forward, space is an act of self love. It really is. We need to shift the narrative from space being a sign of relationship doom, as Brooke had said to it being an opportunity to embark on self preservation first. It's a survival thing as well as self acceptance and exploration. This self understanding and acceptance, along with learning some emotional weightlifting, can rejuvenate both partners and the relationship. Because if I improve me and the way that I show up and the understanding of myself and I feel better while doing it, I'm going to be able to show up in the relationship and navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life and love better.

And is it fair to say that regardless of which position you're in, whether you've been asked of it, you're the receiving ended or you're the one that has requested it, is it fair to say that those journeys, at least in the, at the onset of it, at the beginning of it, is going to be probably quite different?

I do think it's true. Like when I'm saying I need space. I'm at my wit's end and I'm like, I need space, or I'm out. And your partner is in denial because they are like, oh, why would you need space? We're fine. So, yes, totally different spots, but I think once they get to us and they join us for the 30 days of the roadmap, I would say that they slowly begin to see that their journeys are very similar and that all of the work that they go through and all of the things that they're required to think about. You get to the point where you're like, oh, it makes so much sense why space was requested and why it was required. And both partners, whether or not they're willing to communicate it, can both see the same things were happening.

Yes. And it's like we just said a few minutes ago, the avoidant is dealing with emotional fear of. Right. Vulnerability, sharing too much that being used against them. And the person who's struggling with the anxiety is dealing with the fear of not being enough, the fear of not being able to get it right, and rejection. Both are struggling with very similar emotional fears. They're just managing it or coping with it in very different ways. So that's why there is that similarity when you boil it all down and really get to what we call the heart of the matter. So this being able to understand this and being able to talk about and share this, this is how the feeling falls out of the air. It's because I see and understand myself and then. Oh, that's what was happening for you. Wow. That's what you were experiencing. Oh, wow. And I can totally see how that would, like, fire me off. And I can see now how I fired you off. Wow, that makes so much sense. It wasn't that we were malicious or intent on hurting you or disappointing. Wasn't that I wasn't enough. It was just I didn't understand the dynamic that was being created between the two of us. And this is so common. I just want our listeners to hear you, listener, that when you get to the heart of the matter, what we're battling with is very common. It's just the way we express it and cope with it. That tends to come in polar opposites. Hence the runner chaser scenario. Okay. Everybody's dealing with the same emotional fears of relationships, of not being enough, of getting too close, of exposing too much that being used against me. The fears of whether you decide you don't love me or want me or this doesn't work for you, and that's why the request for space and separation kicks off so much of our fear. Because at the heart of it all, that is our greatest fear. And you know what's interesting is if you've ever been in a place where you feel like you need to ask for space to explore things, that's going to be really hard to say. Like you don't want to say it. You really don't want to say it. It's scary for you to say it and declare it and disclose it and what's going to break the heart of the person you love. And so just think about that for a moment. Think about how escalated that need for survival has to become before I even disclose it to you. Like we'll almost take ourselves to the brink of death ourselves rather than say it. And so that's just important to recognize and realize. It's difficult for everyone. And we're all very much dealing with very similar emotions. We're just coping and dealing with it in different ways. So that's why we say, gosh, I wish we could view this signal or this need is something that could be a representation of this is an opportunity for me to learn and grow personally so that collectively we can create something that will sustain a longer term future in our co creation.

Yeah, I would think usually the Jaws, if you're old enough to remember the movie Jaws, it's probably that's what gets fired off. Yes, yes, exactly. I think that's probably what's going off in people's minds.

Right.

And they're feeling it. We're doomed.

Just like we said in our last episode, number 156, there's not really a lot of great success stories of couples who ask for space. We don't have examples of this ending up well in our society. So of course that's what's going off in your head. And you're just like holding on for dear life and feeling like you're on the craziest roller coaster with no instruction manual of what to do. So it's like set up for failure, but the need occurred and there was no other option. So that's what happened.

Wow. And there isn't more demonstrations of this going well, because turning and facing off with ourselves is the most courageous work we will ever do as a human being. Like it's easy to say and then very challenging to do. And these are the demonstrations that are so common for us in our lives to blame other people, to point the finger, to write a narrative that justifies my part in this relationship experience that it Must just be you, not me. Or I implode on myself and go, go, see, I can't do it. I'll never be good enough to have a relationship. I'm just gonna be. I'm just gonna give up.

And would you think the, the common understanding again, no. No judgment here, no right or wrong, but it's probably fair to say that the initial understanding for the person out there thinking that he or she needs spaces, I'm just going to take the space and then I'll be good. Meaning not realizing that this is an opportunity for everyone, both people to grow and. Yeah, I mean, so because it's, it's, it's just talked about, okay, I just need some space. And then I'll be good. Like, well, then we know you, if you're a listener for any period of time, you know, space with more space, with more space is just more space.

Yeah.

Right. Well, and I know outcome there.

I do want to tell the truth here. In reality, do some people push it past the point of they knew they were done six months ago or a year ago, and now the request of space is being made because what they really want to do is end it? Yeah, of course. But that just goes back to what I was saying. The difficulty of actually and genuinely recovery, requesting it for the reasons that we're talking about here in this podcast are exceptionally difficult. So what do I do? I manipulate the situation because I'm, I still don't have the courage to tell the truth about what's going on inside of me. Yeah. And so I manipulate a scenario where I exit stage left. And then I even could go so far as to blame you for all of it when really it's not you. It's you and me and the way we dance together in our relationship. And if we could address these things sooner rather than later, if we could have these honest conversations, conversations about this doesn't work for me. I'm not happy here. Sooner rather than later. And we could be honest about it. It would prevent a whole host of things that we do instead, like drinking, affairs, overworking, exhaustion, physical depletion, shopping, spending grundles of money, all kinds of emotional coping that goes on. If we could just simply say, this is not working for me. I'm unhappy. Let's take a look at what we can do differently. And I'm going to start by looking at myself. Another thing, the thing I bring to the table.

Yes. Another thing I was going to say is, you can say, okay, I'm going to go find another partner. But like you said earlier, mom, too, you're just going to end up in pretty much the same relationship because you are the person that a lot of the problems are coming from just because of our own humanness, our own defensiveness, our lack of communication skills, our own lack of emotional regulation, our own inability to voice what we truly want and need. So you could go and find another relationship, that's fine. But you're gonna end up pretty much in the same boat if you don't do this personal work that we're talking about here, which is a hard truth to realize. That's what we're saying when we say you need to turn and face yourself. I had a pretty rough first marriage, and a lot of it was me. And it took me a long time to admit that because I was super anxious, like, unbelievably off the charts. And my anxious tendencies were like kryptonite in that relationship. So the reason why I have a much better of a relationship now is a lot to do with the work that I've put into myself. I think so many times we're looking for a better partner and saying we found the wrong person and saying my husband sucks or my wife sucks, when really it's us that kind of sucks. Not as a whole, but in certain relationship skills, you suck. And so if you took the time to improve those skills, your relationship would improve. And that doesn't involve going and finding another partner. That involves doing the work that we're talking about.

And I would just say for those of you that have been listening, I would echo state. Thank you so much. Question number one. Number two is all three of us on that are the hosts of this podcast are all in our second or more relationship. So we don't want to say that. Oh, no. But like Brooke just said, I think, to be fair, I know certainly what with Stacy and I, and I know with Brooke, she just shared that I'm confident and I have a very strong understanding. The reason why we have what we have as far as Stacy and I is because both of us have done a significant amount of work on ourselves when we chose and made the decision, difficult decision to not stay with our prior person, prior husband, prior wife.

Okay.

We're not saying that that's not the case. Are there maybe some better synergies or better.

Yes.

Dynamics between two people. Yes. But it's fair to say if we just continue to just jump in with another person at the same skill level that we were before, I think it's pretty fair to say that's kind of the classic definition of insanity.

But so many people think that that's the solution, you know.

Yes. Well, it's an easier one.

Well, so did I, to be fair. I mean, I think I've got y' all trumped when it comes to number of relationships. I've blown up there. There's been many.

Let's just say that you take the number, honey.

Yes, I'm the winner here. I'm the winner. Winner. Because. And here's the thing. I too had to learn this lesson. I would think to myself, look, I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm capable, I can do a lot of things right. I was an entrepreneur, raised six kids, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I, I couldn't figure out why it is that every time I'd get into a relationship and four or five years seemed to be my place of longevity before I would go, my gosh, I'm so miserable here. I'm falling apart, you know? And I would contemplate this place of depression and anxiety and sadness and misery with inside of myself. And I'd think, how did I get it so wrong again? And here was the setup and the pattern that I needed to learn with inside of myself. You can't please someone enough to offset the self rejection that is growing every single day within you. And yet, believe it or not, this animal right activist person that you see talking before you or listening before you right now actually embarked on pig hunting, duck hunting, elk hunting, getting up at 3am with waiters. I was a parachute girl. I was a thrill seeker, I was an adventure taker. Why? Because those are. I'm just, I just described four of my seven relationships right there where I literally would completely transform myself into the overextension and pleasing. And so it would get to a place where we're four or five years in and I am falling apart as a human being. I am so sad and miserable and broken down. And here's the thing, the person that I was in a relationship with would go, this is the best relationship ever. Why aren't you happy? Why do you want to leave? Why do you want to end this? Why do you need space? Why? Why? This is the greatest relationship ever. We're so happy. Why I'm so happy is what I'm saying. And that's awesome. But what I didn't realize and what took me a long time to see is that I set it up that way right out of the gate. I would reject myself to please them. And in the end, it's not going to take us where we need to go. And that's what I mean when I say if you just go from person to person, sometimes we need to do that in order to get the pattern, to get the message. But you know what? I also made up a lot of things about myself when it comes to relationships. So much so that I finally said, I'm never doing relationships again. And there was a period of time where I was a holy terror on wills because I had become resentful and. And angry towards people. In men in particular, I'd become very angry and miserable and resentful because I felt like men would just take advantage of me. Well, did they take advantage of me when I'm choosing that as my mode of operation in a relationship? They can only do that if I allow it. And I was so allowing it. Not only so, sometimes I was initiating it. And this is what we're talking about, where you show up as good as you feel in relationships. So there would become a point in time where I wasn't even in the relationship. I was just checking boxes and going through the motions, trying to figure out why some days I couldn't get my pants on. Well, it's because. And we'll say it again, and I'll say it a thousand times. There is nothing that is more painful than the pain of herself Rejection, which is exactly what I was doing for a long period of time. I would reject me, what I needed, what I thought, how I felt, and I would do it all in the name of creating love and connection and pleasing and whatever the other person needed. That's where I was going to find my happiness. And time and time again, the self, the soul that I am, would go, yeah, sister, you're barking up the wrong tree again. Not because there's something wrong with you, but because of the self rejection that you continue to inflict on you. And many of us do. This is a very common pattern most of us struggle with when it comes to love and relationships because of the narratives we, we have around relationships that if I please you and you please me, we're going to so knock this out of the park and be so happy without realizing, oh, it's so set up on a faulty premise. Out of the gate. So a lot of our work and the work that we do as a team is helping you understand the importance of autonomy when it comes to togetherness. Because if you lose that part of yourself, the relationship is going to fall apart. Why? Because you're going to fall apart, that's why.

And Just in case you're wondering, what does that sound like? We had a recent. In our last love and limbo session, one of the gentlemen that was on the call with us, mom, too, said, do something you would like to do. Come back to things that you used to enjoy. And he said, I don't even know what those are anymore. And that is so common when you're in this place because you've been so focused on either repairing the relationship or making your partner happy or trying to keep things together that you totally let go of anything that brought you even a modicum of joy. You haven't done it in years, so you don't even remember what that feels like. That's what it sounds like to lose your autonomy in your relationship.

Makes me think of another client who was basically incredibly successful, did everything above and beyond to provide for his family, make sure his wife and his children were taken care of, and. And his partner would say to him often, you're so negative. I can't stand to be around negative people, so I'm going to have to seek connection elsewhere. Well, why was he so damn negative? Because of what we just talked about. I have lost myself. I've sacrificed it all. I'm doing exactly what it is you need me to do in order to keep this whole thing in motion. And I'm miserable. So how do you think I'm going to show up if I'm miserable? Probably pretty cranky and ornery and negative, right? And we do it all in the name of love without realizing the importance of autonomy, the connection, the appreciation, the honoring, the knowing, the understanding of me as at the heart of all functional relationships. And there is so much information out there that's having you diagnose someone outside of yourself instead of taking a good hard look at you yourself, your patterns, what you need, what works for you, what doesn't work for you, and how in the heck are you communicating that? Are you doing it by ripping somebody's face off and getting the hell out of Dodge? Or do you actually have the ability to translate your thoughts, feelings, and emotions into a language that you can express in a way it can be heard. And if I can't do the latter, then I'm going to have a presence and a role in breaking my release relationship down because I'm going to react instead of respond, and that is going to prevent us from finding any solution about how to move forward whatsoever. And the need for increasing space and autonomy will forever grow. That's kind of the bottom line. So let's Talk about the building blocks of self work or you know, self embracing or allowing and many of those words that we can use that basically cites a coming home to myself is needed before I can then step in to co create with another again. That has to happen first. I mean in a roadmap, how in the hell can you travel to somewhere else when you don't even know where you are? You can't. It's impossible. You can roam around and wander in the wilderness for a while, but if you truly want to make some progress and a productive way, you've got to figure out where you are first on the map before you take a journey, don't you?

We need to make that one of the activities in our roadmap where we have a little thing like on the mall map where it says you are here because so many people don't know I am here. They're everywhere.

Yes, absolutely. And so there is no way that we can decide how we're going to go forward in a good way without me understanding where I am first. That has to be the first step. And so that's where we need to begin. How and where do I need to reflect and look at where I am, what I need, what works, what doesn't, what my patterns are, how I tend to approach this, where I get scared, where I rip somebody's face off, where I run, get the hell out of Dodge, where I over give, overextend, over express, etcetera, etc, etcetera. Because I am the only thing that I can manage and control. And in order for true change to happen, I have to know two things. I have to know what doesn't work, which most of us do. It's probably being pointed out to us. We've probably been labeled, we've probably been diagnosed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. But the piece that I haven't been given is what do I do instead? How do I work my way out of this and what is it I need to do instead of this? Because if I, unless I'm given those two parts, I'm going to continue to do what it is I know to do. Even though I might know it's a non working strategy. Because I don't know what else to do. And that was my challenge. That continued to elude me. I mean, heck, even when Tom and I came together, you know what the first words out of my mouth were? I'm not going to get married. I'm not doing this for everything. But if you want to have a good time for now, I'M your girl. And he's like, okay, sure. I think I can work with that. Now we're looking at, you know, teen years later, and I'm very married, very in, very committed and. And delighted about it. So it wasn't the commitment that was an issue that I thought it wasn't getting all in that I thought was the problem. I was the problem. Me, my fears, my commitment phobias, my doubts that I could do it. My confidence in myself to love. And how do we get better at love? By doing it. We have to continue to do it. We get better at love just like we get better at everything we do. You want to get masterful at it? Well, guess what? Number one, you're going to probably fail a lot. And number two, it's going to probably take more than one pass. Just know that we have to practice to get better at these things. There is no other way. So I need to learn how to communicate my need for space. Let's just go back to the building blocks for a minute. And if you're in this place where you're trying to decide how to have this conversation, here's my super tip for you. Own it. Don't blame it. This is something I need to do for me. I'm not. Okay. I know that inside of myself, I'm falling apart. And I'm now aware of the fact that the only way I'm going to be able to decide how we go forward and we go forward in a good way, is for me to get clear about myself. Don't blame it. Don't say I need space. Because you do this, because you said that, because you disappointed me here, because I don't trust you there. Because when you start to boil it all down, you don't trust yourself. Right? You're blaming yourself. Own it. Don't blame it. The second thing that needs to happen is things need to change. Why? Because of a little thing called the principle of contrast. The contrast needs to switch up so that I can see and understand myself. Okay? The something needs to change to create something different needs to happen. And I see this in couples a lot and sometimes even tempted to do it myself. When life has become exceptionally monotonous, we think about throwing a wrench in there. Or maybe we don't. We just unconsciously throw a wrench in there. That creates this contrast with where I get to go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like that. I like this. This is me. That's not me. And we do this consistently in our lives. In fact, People who have a lot of drama in their lives are kicking up a tremendous amount of contrast so that they can attempt to see and understand themselves other than they don't understand that that's what's happening. And they just have this pervasive need to continuously kick up more and more drama as they're desperately trying to understand themselves. Right. That's how that works. So something needs to change. And that's why separation can teach us a lot of things or space can teach us a lot of things. I can think that certain things are important and then when I create space, I realize those things I thought were so important weren't important. I could also come to realize that the things I didn't miss when we were together are things that I miss now that we're apart. I can also see and understand some of my part in it as I reflect and look back. And that's why they say hindsight is 20 20. It's because I have an a time span to sit with the experiences that I've had and the contrast. And without the heightened emotion and escalation of defensiveness being the pervasive experience, I can start to take responsibility for what's mine and what's not mine and how I might have contributed to what was co created instead of blaming it all on my person. And we see this a lot as we start to work with couples and bring the intensity down. Wow. Yeah. I can see how what I said really fired you off. Oh yeah. I can see how and what I did disappointed you in that betrayal. Oh, wow. I can see and understand now why. Yes. And those are the things that create and promote healing. So we need contrast. We need something to change and be different. This helps me see and understand myself easier because the reality is we can't see and understand ourselves if everything stays the same. That's not how the principle in this life environment works. Then we got to step into exploration and newfound understanding of ourselves. We tend to focus on on only the problem and not any remedies and newfound skills along with the emotional cleanup that needs to happen to move us forward. We just want to drop it, be done with it, move on. Thought we weren't going to talk about the past anymore. Well, the problem is the past is going to continuously come up unless we clean it up and understand it and understand how to co create something different. Until those things happen. Yeah, you're probably not going to be able to let the past go. No. No prayers. Chance in hell. And these are the things that we truly don't understand about relationships. And then we need to create and respect agreements that are made, I. E. Boundaries around individual growth activities. This is why we need a plan with a purpose for success. Otherwise we are going to cope instead of heal and grow. This is the difference maker here. Year. Okay, so those are the building blocks that we need to embark on in order to create success during this time of space. And so this brings us to what is the first step then? Okay, Stace. Tom. Brooke. I. I got you. This is all making really great sense. Wow. Okay. This is really eye opening. What's the first step here? It is. This journey must begin with an understanding of oneself and what emotionally drives you, not your partner. Stop trying to figure them out. If I had five bucks for every time somebody says stace, why do you think they do this? Why are they doing that? Help me understand what I should do now. I mean, what can I do to get them to do? Fill in the blank. What's being missed is what you do have the capacity and capability to do, which is understand yourself. Remember what we just said about the map. You are here. You need to find that that's more important than anything else, even up to and including understanding your partner and why they do what they do. Become more acutely interested in yourself and less interested in why they do or don't do the things that you think they should be. I would ask you to reflect on the truth of why is it so important they do or don't do those things you think they should be doing or not doing? What is that about for you? Why all the emotional escalation around that? What's your vantage point and perspective on that? That's what we need to dive deep into. Okay. That would drive us to next, the practice of translating your own thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that first you can understand. Because if you can't express who you are, what you need, what works and what doesn't, you're going to break down, you're going to fall apart. And my story is an incredible example of how that works. Okay, I've already shared it with you, so I'm not going to go into it again. But this is how that works. So if you don't have a working acumen of your own thoughts, feelings and emotions, then you're kind of dead in the water. Because if you don't know it, nobody else is going to know it. And we can't expect them to know it and understand it. Their job and their work is to understand themselves, not you.

If you Listen to you thinking, well, gosh, I don't. You know what? Most people don't. It's okay. You're not the only one. I would say the absolutely the greatest majority of people that start working with us, they don't have that skill. And it's nobody's fault. We just haven't had a lot of time spending there and being taught about the importance of it.

Yep. Myself included. And that's probably why I'm so impassioned about talking about this. Because I know the price and the heartache and the pain and the hurt and the disappointment and all the crazy narratives that we make up about who we are that are completely, completely off base. The reality is I just don't have any skills and I don't understand the principles of relationships. It's not because you're broken or that there's something wrong with you or that you need to be labeled. It's because you don't understand yourself. That's what which brings us to the last thing I'm going to touch on today and where to begin Emotional weightlifting. We've touched on it, but it's so important. We need to understand emotional weightlifting so we can finally respond. In your communication instead of react now and only now will you be successful with navigating the inevitable ups and downs of love. These tools must be independently acquired, however, will greatly benefit your relationship with another. And I'll just briefly summarize them again here. You must begin by understanding yourself. The you are here on the map. Up next, you need to practice translating your own thoughts and feelings into a language that you can understand and express. And then I must garner the skills for emotional weightlifting so that you can finally respond instead of react. In the inevitable ups and downs of love. These tools need to be garnered independently. I'll say again, I show up as good as I feel. I'm all I bring to the table of love. So if I don't have the ability ability to do this, it is going to play out. And the principle of contrast will showcase this. There is no other way. And to help you get started on this self reflection journey right now, right this very minute, because this is all making sense to you in this moment, I'm going to encourage you to begin now finding out here's where I am. I am here on the map of life by downloading worksheet. What attracts you? What drives you. This worksheet is going to support you with uncovering your relationship patterns as well as the emotions that drive your behavior. It's an invaluable first step into the discovery of you and you can find a link to download this worksheet in the podcast Notes and what I want to leave you with as our final thought for this episode is when we start taking a good look at ourselves, we're going to finally realize we create relationships with people who have much to teach us about ourselves. There's something incredibly irresistible about that, and therefore it can't necessarily be the other person. I've got to be able to take a good look at me. So the value of individual growth for the health of a relationship is imperative. And if you desire to become better at this thing we call love. After all, you are the thing that is brought to the table to co create with. So I encourage you to view relationship pauses as opportunities for strengthening first the bond with yourself and then with your lover so that the two of you can co create together a long term lasting relationship. And as we wrap up today's journey through self discovery and growth within the pause of a relationship, remember that this time can be a golden opportunity to enrich not just your own life, but the fabric of your relationship as well. If you're ready to dive deeper into this process to transform what might feel like a challenging separation into a period of profound personal and relational development, I invite you to join us for our 30 day roadmap. This program is designed to guide you through the very essence of what we've discussed today, providing you with the tools, support and community to help you navigate your individual path and come back to the relationship journey together, stronger and better than ever. So don't let this pause be a time of stagnation. Let it be a period where you plant the seeds for a more fulfilling and robust partnership. Join us by visiting love in limboroadmap.com to learn more and to begin your transformative journey. Your relationship pause could be the start of the most significant growth you and your partner have ever experienced, together and apart. So our little Follow the fun segment today is I want you to practice giving and receiving. What do I mean by that? Well, great life happens like great romance. I need to give and receive and I need to develop the ability to do both. I don't want to be stuck on either side of that equation. I don't always want to have to be the giver and give and give and give and never receive. And I certainly don't want to just be able to lay my head back and be the receiver. Because if that happens, people aren't going to stick around very long so being stuck on either side of this is not good for us. And truly at the heart of the matter is not what we want. So I have a fun practice for you to embark on today where you get to practice giving and receiving and we can do it in our day to day lives. So today I invite you wherever you go and with whomever you encounter. Practice the art of giving. Give others a gift. Maybe this is a simple compliment that you notice a hair, their eyes, a smile, clothing that they're wearing, something that you enjoy too, that's maybe in the shopping cart or just a simple hello, it's great to see you. Or hello and. Or somebody who might need a listening ear. I promise you this will circulate joy and wealth and abundance wherever you are and it's going to make you feel good about the giving part. And then on the flip side, practice receiving wherever you are and find yourself today that you will allow yourself to receive the many gifts that life has to offer from nature, sunshine and beauty to a kind gesture or gift from others. Allow the gifts of acceptance in if somebody compliments you. Thank you so much. Right? Gosh, you just have gorgeous eyes. Or I love your red hair. You're. You seem so kind. Thank you so much. Or hey, can I help you with reaching something? There are so many wonderful moments where.

You have a perfectly shaped bald head.

Thank you very much. You get that one a lot, don't you?

Yes.

Give and receive is very important not only for the health and well being of you, but the health and well being of us all. And there are just simple ways each and every day, wherever we might find ourselves, to become aware of this and to practice it. So as we wrap up this episode, as we do each and every one, we select a song that kind of emulates the message that we're wanting to showcase because music has this way of helping us feel it's kind of the universal language. And you know why else? I love music. So every episode has a song attached to it because, well, I like it. And today's song is a song by Ali Dua and Teddy Swims called Face Myself. And you know, Gus, God, universe and Spirit has this way of just popping up. The best song ever in my awareness. And I'm so excited about this one because we talked about facing off with ourselves is the most courageous thing we ever do. And here is the ongoing verse of the song. When the lights go down and no one's around Only one way out. I gotta face myself. And I went whoa.

And Stacy came into My office said, honey, you got to stop what you're doing. I've. You've got to see the song for today. I said, wow, that is really good. That's really good. The video is awesome. You guys got to check it out.

It is the way out for all of us. We've got to stop pointing exteriorly and we've got to start looking internally. Because I am the experience that I am living out each and every day. And if I'm rejecting it and sacrificing it, regardless of the reasons, they could be the holiest, kindest, and purest of all forms of expression. If it's still rejecting me, I'm going to break down. And I only show up in relationships as good as I feel, so I gotta face myself. I hope today you'll take advantage of the worksheet that I've suggested as an initial step to begin this journey so that you too can start to see yourself in maybe new and profound ways. Not to beat yourself up, but to realize you're not broken. And that actually the reality is I just didn't understand myself. And if we show up from those places, of course we're going to kick up some contrast with which to see myself. It's not good news, it's not bad news. It's just time to term and embrace it. You can check out this song at Love Shack Playlist on Spotify Love Shack Live Playlist. You can also Visit my website, stacybartley.com and we have all the songs listed there as well. That's a wrap, I think.

Come join us in the Roadmap. It's going to be awesome. It's starting January 14th. We'd love to have you.

Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for being here with us and listening in. It's always a pleasure to be here with you and until we meet again. Now that I am sending you off with a ton of love, along with the power to create love in your life today. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on.

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