#158: Fear in Love's Void: Braving the Silence When Your Partner Needs Space

Have you ever felt the unsettling chill of an empty space where your partner once stood? You know that moment when the silence in your home echoes louder than the words ever could? I'm your host, Stacey Bartley, a relationship expert alongside with my co host and lover Tom and our insightful daughter Brooke. We're here to journey with you through the complexities and wonders of relationships, especially at those pivotal crossroads. Today's episode is born from a deep and raw place, the space of separation in a relationship. It's a topic that surfaced poignantly during our love and limbo 30 day roadmap bonus call. We're diving into the heart of the fear that grips us when a partner seeks space. The uncertainty, the doubts and the silent questions that haunt our minds and hearts. Let's be real for a moment. When your partner steps back, it's like a part of your world pauses, leaving a void filled with questions and doubts. Doubts like, will I ever find love like this again? Why am I not enough? Do they even think of me now that they're gone? Or are they just going to move on unimpacted by this relationship that we had? These aren't just fleeting thoughts. They're deep seated fears that we all grapple with at some point in time in our lives, especially when it comes to the conversation of love. But here's the twist. Fear is not the enemy. It's actually a catalyst for emotional evolution. In this episode, we're going to explore how fear is just like physical resistance for training and it can be harnessed to build emotional resiliency. We're going to also share some strategies for facing and reframing these fears and provide you with some practical tools for navigating through this very uncertain time in your life. So join me as we journey through the shadows of fear in times of separation as we also transform them into stepping stones for emotional growth and resilience. This is more than just weathering the storm, about preparing for a future of stronger, more resilient love and relationships in your life. Are you ready to embrace this transformative journey with us? Well, we certainly hope so. And if you are, please know you're in the right place.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

So let's talk about confronting these fears because I know in that intro I just made a very big, bold statement. Confronting the fears that come up in us as human beings that only relationships can bring into our lives. Have you ever noticed that? I mean, like, let's just start there. Have you ever noticed that there's never quite an arena that brings up so much fear and insecurity for us as a human being, as my relationship with see somebody I genuinely care about and want to build and have built a life with.

What do you say? Growth on steroids?

Growth on steroids. I say, you know what? If you want to put your growth on steroids, just go ahead and get into a relationship. It'll take care of everything. And that is so true. And yet when it comes to relationships, it's often the arena of our lives that we put on the back burner. Especially once we feel like we found our special someone. We've started to co create a family and a life together. Financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. And all of a sudden it's like, I can just focus on the kids or I can just focus on the work. And this person, this relationship will always be there to support me. I mean, after all, we're committed. We're in this.

Visions of the fairy tale. I just had them. The white picket fence, the car outside, the 2.1 children in the house.

Don't forget the dog and the cat.

That's right.

We work so, so, so hard to get the person. You know, we're like, we show up as our best selves. We do our hair, we do our makeup. The guys wear their nicest clothes. You know, they think they need to drive a nice car. And if they don't drive a nice car, they feel like they have to lie about it. Like, we do all of these things in the beginning of the relationship and we're just pulling out all the stops and we're like, do you like me? Do you like me? Please tell me you like me. And then when we get them, we're like, oh, we don't have to do that anymore. We got them. So I guess we'll just settle into our comfy clothes, which I wear comfy clothes every day, so don't. I'm not knocking anyone for doing it. The point I'm making is we feel like, okay, we got them. We either got the ring on our finger or we decide we're committed to each other.

And.

And then we feel like we can stop doing all of that because we got them. But we're forgetting that doing all of those things is not just to get the person. Like, showing up as your best self is a gift to you, to your partner, and to your relationship and increases the longevity. It makes you both feel good, it lowers the chance of fighting, it increases your communication. But we forget all of that because we're just like, oh, we got him. We're good now.

I love the Tone Robbins quote. There's obviously more than one, but. And it's probably pretty close, but more or less, if we did more of what we did in the beginning of.

Our relationship, there would never be an end.

I'm also having a really fun thought that I just have to speak. Otherwise it's going to stay in my brain. Regarding the first time that you and I come together and your brothers came over and supported you in waxing your body so that it would be nice.

And, like, groomed and shaved his armpits. I have a picture of it on my phone. Yeah, he. He was doing all of the grooming. You know, we all do that. We're like, we gotta shave every inch of our body. And we do things that we would never do 10 years down the road. Just because society has made it up that once you have your partner, it's okay to just stop doing all that stuff. Yes.

We've just had lots of people veer off in their cars.

Well.

And you know what? And I don't think you've shaved your armpit since. No, that's. It's true.

That's what I'm saying. But, like, there's two prongs to it, you know? So, yeah, we're doing all of that stuff to be our best self because we're nervous and all. So, yes, not having to keep that high of a level is. Is good because you're comfortable with your partner. I don't want that part to change. But also, maybe we could do a little more of the stuff that we did in the beginning when we're in the middle of our relationship, just to freshen things up or be like, hey, remember how good this made us both feel in the beginning? Things like that that we just kind of take for granted because we believe that our partner is going to be there for us no matter what. And then we look back and we're like, wow, I really wasn't putting in a lot of effort and into many aspects of the relationship. It makes sense why we're in the space we're in right now.

Yeah. And I just want to say the greatest effort that we could put into our relationships, those are all wonderful things. But the piece that often gets neglected the most is me and my willingness to understand you and where you're coming from. And as that wears on, as time wears on, not only am I not doing all those things we talked about, which, yeah, there's a level of safety here, and we can let some of those things go. But the bigger problem emerges where I'm no longer tolerant of you and the way you think and the way you feel and the needs that you have. In fact, I start making up a very different scenario with my own fears and insecurities that you're being intentionally malicious. You're being intentionally my devil, not my advocate. And these are the thoughts that come up in our fears, that cause us to make up narratives that affect the way I feel. So the way I show up in this relationship is very, very different than how I showed up in the beginning.

Yeah. And I would bet for most of us that that same openness to want to really understand our partner was very, very high when we came together. And yes, that is a rapid decline as things progress. Many times lots of added complexity, moving parts, children from a prior, and business and money, yada, yada, yada.

Totally. And you look at each other and you're like, we get here, you know, like, that's the feeling. But I just want to point out that the point we just made is that when you're doing all those things on the outside, it's also connected to the same thing you just mentioned. Mom, too. You're so much more accepting, you're so much more curious about your partner. You're so much more willing to put in the time to have difficult conversations or come to a compromise or make things work. So those two things really go hand in hand at the beginning of the relationship. Just because we're so much more. More careful and cautious. I just think curiosity, we're learning and we're hungry for the knowledge about our partner. Whereas when we're in these more comfortable places, we're like, shut up. I don't have time to hear the story you're telling right now, which is something you would never do in the beginning of a relationship. Now, a relationship can't stay like that forever because there you wouldn't ever get to a point where you're comfortable. But I just find it very interesting that we've, as a society, made it up, that it. This is what you're supposed to do when you're comfortable in a marriage.

You know, like, yeah, I. I don't know that it's so much what we think we have to do. I think it just happens by default because we didn't know it was going to be any different than good for the rest of our life. Right.

Not that we're supposed to just give up on ourselves and start treating our partners like shit. We haven't decided that, but we have decided that once you get your partner or you're in the committed relationship or you've gotten married, then everything will be good from there. That's the story that we tell ourselves. And we all know because of all these episodes that we've done on this topic, that isn't true and it doesn't work.

And yet the preciousness of it is we didn't know what we didn't know, and we're just following what we were told until we have a different experience, which then sends us looking, as many of our listeners are, to what the heck just happened? How could I be so blindsided by my person? Their request for space? I mean, I thought things were so good. Or the person who's asked for space says, oh, my gosh, I can't believe that you don't understand where I'm coming from. And it comes from these places where we start getting exceptionally lazy about understanding my person. And that's hard for us as human beings because it requires a lot of energy. It requires a lot of energy for me to let my own agenda go long enough to step into what yours might be. And it won't make a lot of sense to me. Most times it is not an experience that I'm having. But nonetheless, we used to spend hours, remember me begging and pleading in the beginning, please, please, please, just tell me what you need and I'll be it. I'm so into you. That was a Leo Sayer song back in, like, the 80s. I'll do anything. I will listen and listen forever and just want to know what you're about and who you are and what you love and where you want to go and what you want to dream about. And then we start plugging in where I relate, right? That's how it begins. And then as we get into the actual time of a relationship, I start noticing that I'm having thoughts and feelings and needs that I, A, don't feel comfortable talking about, or B, won't talk about because I don't want to be needy or I want to be independent or I don't think it's necessary to disclose. And what you're talking about is becoming exceptionally annoying. And so when it does, then I stop trying to be, as you said, Brooke, curious about what's happening here, and I just start shutting it down. Besides which, I got to get to work. Making money and making sure that we can provide is top priority. And if I take care of my tasks there, that society tells me I need to then we're going to be fine. And if I'm this nurturing person who keeps the house and loves the kids and makes sure that you have clean socks in the drawer, then I feel like we're going to be okay. Without realizing what it really takes to create a relationship and to keep it thriving.

Well, and I would just say relationships follow the same universal rules that all of the universe follows, meaning nothing stays neutral. And entropy is entropy. Entropy is the reversion to decline. Right. If we don't continue to grow. I share with people often on our clarity calls. Let's just be honest, blending our life with another hot mess human being is the most complicated thing we're ever going to do do in our life. I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but let's just give it some respect here, for heaven's sakes. It's enough full time job to keep myself on track and I'm supposed to come together with another hot mess human being and we're having to have this fairy tale. I find that amazing. We've all kind of bitten off on that one to be fair. But come on, it's fluid and dynamic and fast moving if you want it to be. And if that's not how we approach it, I think we're going to find our place like a lot of our listeners do in this place of like, you know what, I just can't do this anymore more.

Yeah. So the reason why we wanted to have this discussion today actually about fear. That's what we're talking about is the fear that comes up for us in relationships and how it is that this progression of breakdown happens and then what the role of fear does or plays on our lives, not only in love, but as a human being. And this discussion stems from a recent bonus call that we did in our love and limbo 30 day roadmap where the prevalent theme was fear in our relationships. And so I thought, gosh, you know what, we need to talk about this because it is a significant conversation, especially when we're talking about places of separation. Because when it comes to relationships, after the fear of you're not going to want me and we get into a relationship needing space is the other place where, oh my gosh, all of this fear comes tumbling out that we probably experienced to a small degree in the beginning. But I wasn't as invested when a request for space or separation happens. We've co created a lot of life together. We probably have moved in together at the very least, maybe shared some Finances, at the very least, maybe had some children or some pets that we share. We've co created this rhythm in our lives. And I've gone from having a bed that I was comfortable in by myself to having a bed that I'm now comfortable with you in. And then all of a sudden you're gone. And that leaves these exceptional voids that bring up incredible fear. So I think as we begin this conversation, I want you to see and understand that as human relationships come together, it's inevitable that our fears and insecurities are going to be brought to the surface. And yet this is the part in the relationship journey that we don't talk about. There's no songs written about how scared I get after I fall in love with you. Maybe we should create one. Honey, I need you to work on that. There is no conversation through poets and romantic stories about the more I care, the more I get all in with you and risk it all. My financial future, my emotional future, my physical future, right. And the sense of my mental health and well being. I'm going to put it all on the line and get all in with you. And then what happens next? As a human being, because of our survival instincts, we start thinking things like what if this changes? What if they find out who I really am? What if it gets down the road and they decide they don't want me anymore? And we start reeling on these things, thinking about how we came together and how our relationship played out and what our story is there. As one client recently said, you know, that really struggles with the fear. Well, there's several, there's more than a handful because this is such a common human experience. But as one client recently said that the fact that we came together while my lover was in relationship with another person, even though it was on the rocks, that is the piece of evidence that keeps my mind spinning that what if she gets to a place where she's dissatisfied with me and all my humanness and then starts to explore these kinds of things with someone else, just as she did with with me. And these are the things that start to play nemesis with us as we progress in relationships and it happens for us all. It's a very human experience where fear has a role here. And the more I care and the more I get all in in my relationships, the more my fears and insecurities that I carry with me are going to flash. That is normal. And so then we have to ask ourselves, okay, well, if we really want to understand this phenomenon or why is it like that, is it really just this lizard brain that neuroscientists like to point to? Yes, we are all about survival first, safety first, and then all the things that are stacked on top of it. But fear plays an actually more important role in our lives that often doesn't get talked about as well. I want you to see and understand that we live in a world where resistance or the need to push against something is critically important to our development. That is, gravity pushes down on us so we can stand up on two legs. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to. Right. Seeds push out of the ground. Babies are birthed with a tremendous amount of force so that the water can be wrung out of their lungs to breathe on the other side of this environment. And that transition happens in a nanosecond with a tremendous amount of squeezing and force. There's a tremendous amount of resistance. There's. And when we start thinking about all this resistance, we can start to see it everywhere. And even in emotional development inside of ourselves, there is a force that we have to push against in order to become emotionally strong, emotionally resilient, and emotionally capable. Just as there is gravity I need to push against to develop my physical body, to run extra miles and to have muscles and strength the likes of which create endurance for me physically. And that substance that we push against emotionally is fear. And so developmentally, when I get all. In a relationship, all of my fears and insecurities come up. It's really my opportunity for me to address these things, which, ironically, if I will push against them, creates the opportunity for me to develop a stronger, more resilient relationship that has the potential of longer longevity to it. Without knowing this information, what we tend to do is freak the hell out. We have a belief that if these fears and insecurities are coming up in me, then I must be doing it wrong. Or I must have chosen the wrong person, or the person I'm with needs to be changed. And we don't realize the fundamental opportunity that's present in our relationships is, of course, everybody's fears and insecurities are coming up. Because that's how we deepen the creation of us going forward. I have to have something to push against. And that's usually a huge eye opener. Because we don't talk about fear again. There's no love songs about fear and where it takes me and what it does for me. Usually when we talk about fear and love in the same breath, it's like run like hell or attack, attack, preserve yourself, save yourself. And that's not at all what's going on. Okay, so this fear, peace is what propels us into an emotional journey. And it's a pivotal role that fear plays and happens to be a part of any partnership or relationship that you're going to embark on. We're not going to get around this.

And would you say when a partner asks us for space or separation, would that be kind of at the highest level of what you just described?

Well, yeah, because what is the greatest fear when you come together to co create with somebody, it's not going to last.

Or. Yeah, it's not.

They're gonna leave you.

They're gonna leave you and oh Lord God forbid it's not forever. Yes. Yes.

Okay.

We had a interesting question on our Instagram last night that I responded to, and she said, okay, well, what does space mean? And at how many days or weeks or months of them taking space, are they not considering the other person's feelings? Basically, which is a great question, but it made me think for a while before I responded and I said, you know, most of the time when people ask for space, they've run out of emotional gas. And when we're in a partnership with another person, there's not many options when that happens. So the most common options are I break up with you, we get a divorce, or I take space. Those are the three options. So I would say asking for space, number one is good news because it's not the end, it's just a pause. Number two, we are trying to educate our audience that space doesn't have to be a terrible thing. It can be a pause, it could be a reset button, it could be a restart button. Long story short is that, yes, this fear comes up in us. But like, to the person who is being asked for a space, what is the other option for your partner? The other option is the default option where they just don't say anything and they just continue to be more and more and more and more and more emotionally depleted. So, yeah, your fear wouldn't be getting kicked off in that moment because they wouldn't be saying I need space. But I would say that your fear would be long and drawn out because you would be watching your partner slowly becoming more and more diminished and checked out of the relationship. So, yeah, it sucks. Like all of those things suck. But at some point, we have to turn towards the pain and the fear and face it and tell the truth about what's actually happening inside of both people in the relationship. So the fear and the truth can exist at both times. And we're not Saying that the answers that we're giving in this podcast are going to be magical and they're going to take away the pain and the fear. We're just talking about these things in a real way, you know, and telling the truth that just because your partner asked for space doesn't mean your relationship is over, but it does mean there are some problems that need to be addressed.

Well. And the reason why we take space and need space is because we forget that a relationship is a co creation and that I have a role to play and that you have a role to play. And when I no longer can play my role, what are my options? Just as you had said, when I feel like I'm breaking down and I can't fulfill the role that I've made for as far as you go, that is the self or the human saying I don't know where I am anymore in the map of life and I've got to find out where I am first before I can decide where I'm going with not just you, but anybody. And as we've talked, even where I'm.

Going as myself, we hear often, you.

Know, like my partner said, they, he or she just needs to find themselves. Hear that all the time on clarity go. Yeah, of course, you know, exactly.

But in the comments people always say, well, why can't they find themselves with.

Me and why can't they do it with me? That that is coming from of course, a place of fear and insecurity inside of the person who's even asking the question, why can't it be done with me? And it's a valid question and let's give you an answer because of what comes up when they look at you. This is called a principle of contrast. And the contrast is when I look into your eyes. There's all kinds of places where maybe I see myself and what worked for me and what didn' for me. And that creates so much confusion that I just need to get to a place where I can just kind of settle into myself. It's kind of like being in a world where the sensory overload is so, so incredibly high that I can't think straight and I need to go find myself a quiet corner to be in so that I can recollect myself, my thoughts, my feelings, I can re anchor myself.

So a simplification, if you will.

It totally is a simplification and a stripping down. And so as inconvenient as it is, it's very difficult for us to go to a place to reconnect with Myself, which is what is needed when there's so much contrast playing out. You're just doing. You, you don't have the same contrast. You're not having the same experience because these things aren't highlighted in your lives together. But for the person who is overloaded, overwhelmed, overstimulated, I mean, there's a lot of emotional depletion that's happening here. And it's not necessarily your fault. It's in part a lot of how they show up in relationship. And more commonly it's either a person who has a really difficult time getting all in because they, they're fearful of, of losing their independence, or it's somebody who's over giving and over exerting themselves in an effort to keep the relationship going. And both of those scenarios are going to find themselves through the process of dealing with their own fears and insec. Of running out of emotional gas. And it happens regardless of whether I'm overly independent or I'm overly pleasing in the relationship to make this whole thing work.

Another thing I was going to say is sometimes when space is requested, it can be because the conversations that need to be had in the relationship, usually they're difficult conversations. You can't get past this one specific issue because every time you do it just turns into a huge argument or one partner's super defensive and the other partner just wants to run away. Something like that. So space can be requested not because they want to end the relationship, but because they're at their wit's end and they don't know how to solve the issue because every time they do, it doesn't work. That's super common. And also that's kind of a protective mechanism because it's like you're continually running into a wall. You don't want the relationship to be over. So what is your other option?

Well, and this is where the fears and insecurities on both sides, whether I'm the person asking for space or the person who's now giving the gift of space, all the fears and insecurities on both sides are acutely heightened at this point in time. And this is the role of fear. Why would fear show up here? Because I as a person, as an individual, and we as a couple, as a co creation, probably need to create some emotional strength, some emotional awareness and some emotional resiliency. And so cue the fear. Okay, here we go. It's time to face it, it's time to work with it, and it's time to do what I call emotional weightlifting and how it presents Itself in this time of space is thoughts like this. Will I ever find someone who makes me feel loved again? Am I not good enough? How is it they could just turn and leave me? Does he or she ever think about me now that they're apart? Because it sure doesn't seem like it. They're getting all dressed up, all dolled out, going out with friends on a dating app. What in the hell does that mean? Or it feels impossible to move on from this. This is the best it's ever been. And then the fears with the self show up. Will I ever love someone else as deeply as I loved? Will I allow myself to love someone again? Because that's where the conversations of I'm done with this, it's over. If this doesn't work out, I'm out of here. I'm never going to do this relationship gig again. I keep thinking I should have done things differently. I don't know what to do with the awareness that I now have. I can see where I haven't been present, I haven't been showing up. Or I can see where I was over giving, thinking that that was going to take us to the promised land. I also hear things like I fought so hard for us. Why aren't you fighting for us? And what I'm saying there is I've given so much beyond what it is I felt like I should. And how dare you now say this doesn't work for you when really it didn't work for me. I've stayed in it, so now I think you should too. And why does he or she choose others over spending time with me? So I see you spending time and having time for the kids and the friends and the business and the co workers or the business partners, but you never seem to be able to find time for me. These are conversations and questions that we start asking ourselves when the fear is absolutely coming up and then what happens are these same narratives, they drive the fear. If we don't understand and identify it as fear and we don't understand that this is the moment when fear shows up, that we need to turn and face it and do what I call an emotional push up, then the fear is probably going to be validated and it's going to show up in my behavior. And so because I'm afraid, I'm going to engage in what I call enrollment conversations. What are those? Those are conversations in my own head in regards to why I should be able to enroll myself back into things that I know don't work for me for the Benefit of us. Or I enroll myself in breaking agreements that I know we've agreed to, but I come up with a story that enrolls me into my entitlement or my desire to break them. Now, I want you to know that this is so very common that even myself in a place of thinking, I just needed to prove and demonstrate to a person that I was sure was going to be my lover for life. Back in 1997, that illusion and that enrollment conversation became so obsessive, in my experience, I turned myself into a stalker. I had enrolled myself and justified myself into the idea that just driving by or popping in unannounced or checking on him right in the most craziest of places would be okay. Because he'd want to see me, right? And all I need to do is show him how incredible I am and how good we are together. And him seeing me, of course, is going to take care of all of that. And so I would do these crazy, outlandish things and this will.

Just want to make sure you're still thinking about me.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm sure that went over really well.

No, it actually didn't go over well at all. Why is that? It was acting from a place of fear.

Like a cray cray.

Yeah, you were. And you were acting desperate. Coming from a place of desperation and fear.

Yeah. And how do you think on the other side the other person felt about this?

Like men pushed you, like overwhelmed. What the heck is going on with her?

And just think about all the places where you would feel betrayed because you're violating what we talked about.

You're crossing boundaries and you just touched.

On what you were sharing with that. What we hear often, especially since we started the whole roadmap, both in sessions and in our 30 day roadmap experience, is someone says, you know what? I broke what we agreed to. Right. We had a no contact. We agreed for a certain period of time we weren't going to text or whatever. Don't we got we ladies, we hear this all the time. And people are so remorseful, like, why did I do that?

But. But it becomes irresistible when you obsess about it in your head. You just think, okay, I just know the exact perfect thing, that if I send this one last text, it's really going to make a difference.

They're going to go, aha, I see the light. And that is so not the case. That is where we're coming from. Fear. And so we'll contort the reality of what we did and what we said and we will override it because of the illusions that we're having in our own thinking and think that it's okay, we'll justify it, and then we'll reach out and everything goes to hell in a hand basket. And then we have even more fear and pain as a result of it. And that's how fear works.

It's probably the most painful place to be in as a human. I was like this in my first time around with Jack, who is my fiance now. I was so desperate and so obsessive and so overwhelming and begging him to love me and be with me, and it totally turned him off. I was really young too, so I was very inexperienced. But I recognize that now. I used to feel like a victim, but I recognize now I was totally off my rocker. But it was just because, I don't know, I knew that he was the person for me. But I went about it in a very crazy way. But I just want our listeners to know that we understand it like we have done it. Yes. So it's not. And we're not judging you at all. We know this is so painful. It's hard to think about anything else. You're obsessing every moment of every day thinking about your person and what they're doing and are they thinking of you and what should I say to them? Should I even text them at all? Like, we get it. This is awful. So that's why we're talking about the fear.

Well, and. And how many conversations we do we have with our roadmappers and clients in this space of. Okay, so here's my thought. This is what I'm going to do, and this is what I'm thinking, and this is why I'm thinking what I'm thinking. So I'm just going to violate what it is we talked about doing, because I'm just so sure this is going to work. I mean, that's such a common conversation without realizing. Okay, you're in an enrollment conversation of obsessive thought and fear yourself.

Well, the justification is amazing because now, wait a minute. I heard everything you said, but my situation is unique, and it falls outside of what you just shared.

Yes, we get it. And the more we feed this fear, the more we go down this line of thinking and the more we act on it, the more painful it becomes. That's how fear works. Okay, I'm not pushing, actually, I'm validating the fear that I can't wait, I shouldn't have to wait, and that actually, if I do wait, it's going to go terrible. That's the fear. And so then I justify in my own mind's eye this narrative that gives me a grand story about why it is I'm going to violate the agreement that we've had without realizing the violation of the agreement is the thing that's going to kick up fear in your partner, and you're going to end up creating exactly what it is you said you didn't want to create because I myself can't. And I'm challenged with, just like me, just like Brooke described, dealing with my own fear, I don't know how to manage it. So this is my brain spinning on steroids to try and come up with a solution that in the moment of the thought, makes me feel better. But I don't understand how to think through the ramifications of that. And that's going to be true for each of these that I'm going to talk about.

So that's one that reminds me of Elizabeth's. Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Big Magic, where she says, you can allow fear to come along for the ride, but it can't be the driver.

Well, fear is going to come along for the ride, and if it is the driver, that means you're giving into it. Fear is going to be part of the deal, especially when it comes to emotion, because that is how I'm going to develop my emotional strength and resiliency or not. That is why fear is ever present and will forever be. So let's move to the next one. This is a very common one as well. In addition, enrollment conversations, I think are the best. First go to. I'm trying to enroll myself or my partner into these ideas that I just. No, in my heart are going to be good things for us. And it's not that they're not good things. It's just I'm coming from a place of fear and I don't realize it. And as this plays out, it does turn us into a crazy person. The second one is, I feel like because of what has been said and done, and sometimes even the request of space entitles me to go into this conversation of fear, which is, I'm going to penalize and punish you in hopes that my partner will finally understand the pain they have caused me. So maybe if I can get them to feel the pain that I'm feeling, then they'll understand and we'll have again this aha moment where they're like, oh, I see this has been so hard on you. I'm so sorry. I'm coming home. Without realizing the person that you have to become to penalize and punish them and help them feel or encourage them to feel or insist that they feel the pain is a violation of you and a disrespectful measure of them and fears driving this conversation. I'm going to tell you right now, I hope that you can hear me, there is no punishment or penalty that you will be able to establish that it will help your relationship recover from where it is. It does not work like that. We are playing into fierce hands. And the more you do this and believe this and execute on this, the higher the emotional pain will go because, number one, you're violating yourself. And number two, there is no violation or penalty to another soul that is going to create emotional safety and the needs of like that create love between you again. So fear is going to have you create exactly what it is you said you didn't want. Betrayal, lack of trust, lack of emotional safety. And I show up as good as I feel as a human being. And if I feel crappy about what I just did or what I just said in an effort to make you pay, I'm going to break down.

So what Stacy just described, and we share this often, and when people get it, think, oh, my gosh, that's an OMG moment, is you're behaving in the very manner of what it is you're not liking.

Yes.

And when you can really get that one, when that one really lands, you're probably going to need to pull off on the road if you're driving right now. Because we've all had like I've had people say, oh, my God, Tom. I've never realized that before. Yeah, it's okay. So you're doing the very things that you're fighting. You're actually raging against. You're behaving in that very effing manner. Oh, my God. I never realized. Yeah, it's okay. We all do it.

Maybe they are, but so are you. In their effort to make them pay.

Exactly.

And that's never going to translate well. It's never going to take you where it is you ultimately want to go. That is fear running.

Well, I would just say just study history and show me a place where it has been affected.

Effective.

I'm not saying it's not necessarily warranted, but there's probably a better approach that would be more effective.

You can't make somebody pay enough to cause them to understand you and to also motivate them to come back and want to create a relationship with you. It does not work that way. The more you do that, the more they will go and pull away.

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye bye.

Okay. And I'm not saying they may not be doing it as well or doing it in. In more of an extreme nature, but so are you. And in that case, this is how clients say to us, I'm turning into a monster of myself because of what I'm allowing myself to do and the behavior that I'm justifying within myself. I don't like who I am. And that pain right there, that pain of rejection of self, will be the ultimate pain we can feel as a human being. That one will bring you to your knees and create mental health challenges, physical health challenges, and relational challenges that are believable. So I'm going in the wrong direction. And the escalation of the pain tells me I'm going in the wrong direction. And yet it's amazing how defensive we'll get in that moment to justify. I'm entitled to do this because of what they're saying and doing. There is no amount of justifying that that's going to offset the pain you're feeling. That's the truth. Let's go to another one that's very common. Okay. Enrollment conversations to causing somebody to be penalized or punished, hoping that if they feel the pain you feel, then everything will righted. Those are conversations coming from fear. Here's another one. I'm going to teach and preach to you. I'm going to spout off my wisdom and all of my searching and all of the incredible personal development that I have done because I know the way and if you'll just listen to me, then we shall go into harmony. And that is so not true. Awesome that you've done a lot of work on yourself, not minimizing that whatsoever, but the work you've done on yourself doesn't mean you're better or a superior or inferior to your partner who might be coming along for the ride. And here's the kicker. If you don't truly understand where your partner is coming from first, they don't really give a shit about what you know and what you've done. I don't know how better to say it because in their minds all they're saying is, you know what this is all for, not because you don't get me. And so it's going to fly on by. It would be just like you coming into a private session with me and before you could tell me anything about yourself, knowing that you've said it and that it's been understood. I launch into a prescription the likes of which you need to follow. And please don't ask me any questions. I'm the expert. I know.

It would also be like, I struggle with my weight. I'm overweight right now. And it would be like a skinny person who has never struggled with their weight telling me what to do. That's how it would feel.

It's heck, yeah, you're. And if you were smart about what I just described, somebody launching into some kind of an advice piece or prescription piece for you, not having any idea or you feel or sense they don't have any idea about where you are and what you're struggling with. All of us as a human being are going to go, yeah, whatever, next. And we don't realize we do this in our relationships all the time when we launch into teaching and preaching. Awesome that you did work. Awesome. But that does not entitle you to know what your partner needs because what they probably need is very different than what you needed anyway. And so you're totally negating. Okay, me being allowed to find where I am on the map and you're launching in to telling me where I need to go. And we're going to become very stubborn and resistant. We're going to fight. And you. Teaching and preaching is a place of fear. How? Because you're afraid that what you've known and the work that you've done hasn't been good enough to keep this person around without realizing the reason they're not going to stick around is because you're too busy teaching and preaching and spouting off all your wisdom and not doing the one thing that they need, which is understanding where they are and where they struggle. And until you get that piece, they don't really care about what you have to say or the work that you've done because you don't get me. I hope that makes sense.

Oh, I mean, you've. To me, that one right there is. I always remind people at the end of the day, all eight and a half billion of us, I think that's about a world population right now. It's a lot of us. We all want to be valued, appreciated, and know that we matter, you know, and so if we can just. I always say if you can just from that lens, remember, before we speak, try to like, am I sharing this through that lens? Ideally, all more than one, all three of those with whomever we're speaking with or interacting with. And you're probably going to have a better outcome. Doesn't matter about you because we're all begging for that. Because how often do any of us encounter a lot of those experiences in our ordinary day? Not very often. That's why it's so wonderful when we do get acknowledged and appreciated. Someone notices you in the line, thank gosh, you. You look wonderful today. Or your hair. I don't have any hair. But, you know, your bald head looks really nice. You know, I mean, but really, we don't have a lot of acknowledgment experiences in our ordinary life. We don't.

Well. And I think that's really hard to go there in our minds when we're so desperate to be reassured while we're spiraling and. Right.

It's so counterintuitive.

Oh, my good. It is so hard to get ourselves there in our own thinking. We're afraid, and so we just want to tell you what it is you need to do or stop doing, and then we're going to be fine. So says my belief or my fear.

And I would say most of a lot of what we teach and coach and mentor at the outset can seem very counterintuitive. I always remind people, like, if you've not ever learned how to drive in the snow or the ice, you're taught to, you have to do the opposite of what your brain is telling you do when you're sliding. Brooke called me when she moved to New York and she was in the middle of a field. Dad.

I knew you were gonna say that.

Dad, I don't know what to do. Sweetie. I'm 3,000 miles away. But let's try to brainstorm this. But, I mean, it's very difficult. So a lot of what we're sharing with you, it's not that we're not saying it doesn't happen. We're right there with you. But we're trying to really impress upon you that maybe take a pause and realize there are more effective ways that you can navigate, especially when you're fearful.

Well, we're navigating fear. Yes. So let's talk about two more.

Okay.

And then we're going to move on to the remedies because some of you, some of you who have been. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah. What do you got for me, then?

Yeah, man.

We often resort to manipulation and leverage.

Really?

When we're afraid, we obligate our partners and we're doing all kinds of things. We also use money and kids as a mechanism to manipulate, even pets. So I get afraid, I start leveraging, I start manipulating, I start pointing out all your flaws and your weaknesses. That's manipulation. I start causing you to doubt yourself, question yourself whether you could make it on your own. What you're doing with our money, what you're doing with our kids, how you're cleaning the house, how you. How you have sex, how you create meals, the time that you spend with me. We all have a rap sheet, so it's not hard to find evidence to pull out out from our experiences to use against you, to manipulate you, to leverage you.

Have you had couples in your practice leverage the pet?

Oh, absolutely. Really? I've had couples leverage decorations, to be precise, Harry Potter ones.

Wow.

So, I mean, we can leverage anything.

There's a famous Instagram meme of a divorce happening, and the couple is in the courtroom sorting the beanie babies on the floor. So that's how granular.

Crazy. And that's all coming from a place of fear. All of it. Because if I truly was coming from a place that did not have fear overriding the experience, I would realize, what in the hell am I doing? And I just want you to realize every time we kind of succumb to fear and make it up, that we need to spiral in fear. Our behavior is always very erratic and appearingly crazy from the person who's not spiraling in fear. Don't you find that fascinating? Like us from the outside that weren't experiencing fear watching people counting or going over Harry Potter decorations or Beanie Babies would go, what in the hell are you doing? But the person who's spiraling in fear, totally logical. This makes so much sense because of the fear that's running the show. I'm essentially validating and acquiescing to the fear and allowing it to tell me that this is not necessary too. And there's going to be a whole narrative and a whole mindset movie that's playing out as to why it is I'm counting the babies, the beanie babies on the floor or wrestling over the Harry Potter conversations. It's not about the. The. The Beanie babies or the Harry Potter decorations. It's about what that means to me emotionally and what it is. I feel like I can't let you get away with or I'm getting away with. With. That's what's really.

Would that behavior there be a classic demonstration of your sacrificing the circumstances for the experience?

Yes. It means that it's not so much about what happens and what I end up with. It's about what I feel about what's happening and where do I go in my narrative that tells me everything I need to know about what's emotionally driving the behavior that I'm doing. And the last one I just want to touch on very briefly is attacking. We can make it up when we're so fearful that it's okay for me to attack you again and again and again and again, shred you, essentially abuse you, essentially cause you to kneel before me and confess your sins and your apologies to me. I can mistreat you. I can do all kinds of things in my place of fear. Why do I do that? Because it gives me a sense of superiority. It gives me a sense of validation that I'm now robbing and stealing from you, you. And that is the epitome of abuse. We abuse because we're afraid. We control because we're mired in fear. This fear also causes me to attack you, manipulate you, punish you, leverage you, enroll you. It also is going to have me turn on myself, and I want to briefly talk about that. Why is it that fear would cause me to turn on myself, minimize myself, criticize myself, judge myself, carry guilt, carry shame, take me to my knees, mire me, and depression and anxiety that are believable? Well, this actually starts as maybe I'm dealing with trauma as a younger person, and I'm grappling for understanding about things that make no sense to me, about adult experiences and realities. And so the only answer that I can ever come to is, it must be me. It must be me. It must be the way I did it or said it or the red shoes that I wore.

Oh, that.

That's it. And there's a momentary place where if my brain can finally answer the obsessive thoughts and fear that it's spiraling in, there's a moment of repose there to go, oh, that's it. I can let this go without realizing very often that will continuously be a place that I go to that is, in the end, going to break me down again and again and again. Because that's not the reality, that that's not the truth. There's a piece that's lacking as far as, like, understanding about what's truly going on. And if I can't find those answers, then I'm going to turn on myself and I'm going to come up with an answer so that I can allow my brain to rest for a moment. But then, unfortunately, I pick it up and go again with it. And then there's more things that I need to find that are wrong about myself or that I did Wrong. Or I should have done differently. Or I go back to past events and go, oh, see, this one's still kicking my ass. This one is the one I'm still paying for. 10 years, 20 years, 40 years, 60 years later, and I've not ever resolved that. And so it's responsible for all of these disappointments and all of this fear that's coming up and that's how we implode on ourselves. So what do you need me to become as the thought to get you to come home and I promise you I'll do it. And what we don't realize is this is a huge violation of ourself. And I said just a few moments ago, there is nothing quite like the pain of self rejection. And we get mired in the self rejection thinking, if I do it enough, if I play the victim, if I beat myself or judge myself up enough, maybe that will take me to the promised land, right? Or maybe I should just let go of this because I'm not deserving of love anyway. It can take us lots of different places. Places very often when we're in the place of fear and we're running from it or causing, doing any of the things I just talked about. We won't even ask if the relationship truly works for ourselves personally, which I find quite ironic. The idea and the pervasive thought is I just need to do whatever I got to do in order to get my person to come home. And then everything will be so wonderful and we don't even realize or sit with the idea that does this relationship even work for me? I focus completely on getting the partner who just left to come home. Or if I'm asking space and I've, I've pushed them away so that I can have a moment to find myself. The only thing I'm focused on in my fear is keeping my partner at bay as I attempt to figure out myself. And both of these conversations are coming from fear. Fear. So all of these examples are going to increase emotional pain in ourselves and eliminate what little emotional safety might be left between us in our relationship. We create essentially exactly what it is we don't want. If you want to focus on the fear and validate it, then the fear will play out and you will get exactly what it is afraid you were going to get. That's how fear works. And essentially that going back to the principle of fear, if I push on it, if I confront it, if I come face to face with the fear and then I make some decisions and do it anyway, I find that I didn't need to be afraid of the fear. And that actually on the other side of the fear, I increase my self esteem, my emotional resiliency, my self confidence, and that actually it's a development of me and of our relationship, not the other way around. Here's the truth. Each of us must confront our own fears and must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we will go next. If I validate the fear, I will continue to increase the emotional pain and experience breakdown for myself and break down around me. If I take action that is aligned with who I am and who I desire to become, regardless of what the other person is doing, I will develop emotional strength in the form of growth in my self confidence, my self esteem and my resiliency. It is the force I must push against in order to develop my emotional capacity to be me. And that's an interesting one to get your head around. So let's talk about how we transform fear into emotional strength. And what are the steps that are required to do that. Now hopefully that you see, number one, the role the fear plays in our lives. Number two, how it is we acquiesce and validate the fear. Very often when we're in this place of space and separation and where it takes us and why it is that drama and the escalation of these things. I say I don't want to want continue to play out again and again and again. In spite of how I might be twisting and turning my thinking and justifying my behavior, it's because it's coming from a place of fear. So here's the thing. To transform it, I need to do a few things. The first thing I need to do is I need to anchor myself by putting my focus on me, not my partner. It's not about getting them to come home so much as it is about me coming home to a place where I can connect and anchor myself in regards to my own thoughts, my own feelings and my own mindset. The confrontation of my own fears and insecurities. This is why often mindfulness or meditation is very helpful. Because it brings me to a place of quieting my exterior and allowing me to connect with my interior. But what is meditation really? I don't want to get too lofty here. Here is just sit your butt down and breathe. Close your eyes, hang out with yourself for a minute.

Slow your brain down, slow your brain.

Down, slow your breathing down and like confront or feel or experience what's actually going on inside of yourself. That's meditation. And there's lots of different ways to do it. But really the reason why it works is it's the only place on the human journey where I can connect my thinking, my thoughts and my feelings and they go. And I can go between the two of them.

Them.

It's that complicated. It's not really complicated at all. But isn't it amazing how especially when we're spiraling in fear, that's the last thing we want to do? Because then I have to take a look at not only what I've done in fear, but I also have to look at the fear that's currently present, which is a good thing, not a bad thing. If we can continue to think, we can outrun the fear and the thoughts and feelings that I'm having by reacting instead of responding, I'm probably going to continue to create exactly what it is I don't want to have in my. Like. That's the lesson. And the pain will continue to escalate in an effort to get your attention until you are so in a place of pain that you go, okay, I'll do whatever I gotta do, I'll do it. Fine. I'll sit down and I'll be with my thoughts and my feelings. I'll express how I feel. Fine. I'll finally tell you what I want. Fine. And that is usually the place that fear needs to take us before we'll learn how to work. So you've got to anchor yourself within yourself and let go of what are they thinking? What are they feeling? Why are they doing that? Are they working on themselves like I am? Are they going out? Do they love me as much as they do I love them? I mean, and when are they coming home? And how much time is I. I mean, the brain that is just like.

Well, I mean, you think about the over. The cognitive overload is just massive. I mean, in the amount of calls and everything we've done, we. This is the reason of the whole genesis of our roadmap is we realize we have to narrow the lane of what you're going to live for 30 days, because otherwise you're just going to reel and overload will be so unbelievable you won't even be able to do anything.

You need to come home and think about now, wait a minute, what am I thinking? What am I feeling? What works for me? What do I need? And if you're spiraling in fear right now, you know what you just said? Oh, I just need them to come home. I just need to figure out a way to get them to engage with me. Okay, well, there's your sign that you're totally negating yourself and you're thinking about what they're doing. And we also get hung up in what they're doing. We're following them social media, we're obsessively checking their accounts. We're thinking about and texting them a thousand times. We're doing all of these things in our own place of panic and fear without realizing. The most important gift you could give not only them, but you, is to put yourself in a place of coming home and understanding yourself. Like, take a breath, sit down, breathe. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What's working for you and what's not working for you? And be honest, because the answer is not going to have anything to do with them. Number two, you've got to seek understanding. And it's got to come from seeking understanding inside of yourself first. Essentially, what you need to get really good at is translating your own thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that first you can understand why if you don't do this piece, then you're constantly going to be reacting in fear instead of understanding literally what it is you need to do and address. Next, it's that proverbial react instead of respond. It's not going to go well. You're going to do one of those things we've already talked about, manipulate, leverage, penalize, attack or implode on yourself in the fear and trying to find and seek the answers. And the answers that you need and the understanding needs to begin with, what am I thinking? What am I feeling? And I need to be able to translate these into a language that first I can understand. The principle is this feelings follow thought. And my thoughts and feelings are something that only work I can do. I need to be able to translate into understanding. And if I can't do this for myself, there's nobody else that's going to do it. There's nobody coming to save you. There's nobody coming to your rescue. This is work that only we can do as an individual. And then once I have an understanding of that, so I've anchored myself in myself, I've realized I do need to find where I am on the map before I can navigate anywhere. Then I need to understand myself, what I'm thinking and I'm feeling, and I need to be able to translate that into a language that I can put words to, and then I need to be able to express it. And sometimes as I begin this process, it's an expression in art, moving My body, expressing it through my body or verbally sharing it with somebody else. And this is why talk therapies or art therapies or exercise and moving my body, grieve or not grieve. They do help us grieve, but they bring us relief. Any expression of what I know and understand to be true inside of myself is going to create relief.

And I find it interesting that. And I share this often. I would bet it's maybe the first time or certainly the first time in a long time, that because of the situation we find ourselves in and what we're impressing upon you, to look at it from this vantage point, to invest into yourself maybe the very you've not done this in a long time, like so this can be a gift from this difficult situation and really is the answer. It's going to hopefully force us, you know, in a pretty intense manner to then step in. And what is it that I want? How do I want to show up in a relationship rather than all this cognitive overload and obsessing on what our partner is and is not doing? It's a very counterintuitive place, but it's going to. When we know from our participants in our first roadmap, it was such a place of, oh my gosh, I didn't realize such incredible discoveries because. Because we've never stepped into this place before.

So I need that anchoring in myself. I need that understanding we talked about. And then I need a place to express it. And then you know what? I need to deal with fear in this place. I need connection with others. I need to avoid isolation as the death trap that it is. And I also need to avoid attempting to control others. Both of these will surely lead to a slow, painful death of you. Isolation is the nemesis for all of us. There is no contrast there. There is no hope, There is no inspiration, There is no new thought, There is no reframing. There is no contribution whatsoever. And that's why isolation is so dangerous. I need connection with others so that I can retool, reframe, become inspired, share, understand, have new perspectives, new thoughts and fears and practices and behaviors. That's not going to come from your own thoughts of fear as you pull out and you withdraw from the contrast of living. That is a death trap. And you need to understand that also trying to control others or your environment in a finite degree will also become a death trap. Because as you do that, you have to do it more and more and more. And you realize there's an endless stream. And I'm never going to be successful, which causes me to implode on myself anyway. Okay. And then I need support. I'm going to need support so that I can receive empathy. People who are on the same path as me realizing and recognizing it's not just me, and that some of the thoughts, feelings, and the behaviors that I have are normal because they show up all over the place here with people who are on the same journey as me. Support also allows you to do some of those things. I do touched on reframing and redirection of my thoughts that are coming from a place of fear. And let me just share this with you. Healing comes from feeling those old emotions, but doing something different with them. That's how healing falls from the sky. It means I feel the fear, I feel the feelings, but I don't acquiesce and validate to them like I once did. I push through them and I realize I don't need to be afraid anymore, that I got this. I'm gonna be okay. And the last thing is doing there is an action that needs to happen with fear. What you find with fear is it often paralyzes us. It often shuts us down. It often prevents us from doing the thing that we feel like we need to do or want to do or desire to do. But I won't do it because I'm too afraid of what will happen next or how it will be viewed or judged. Judged for doing those things. And so doing things like learning new things, understanding new things, creating crafts or projects, they keep the mind busy as I'm working and pushing with fear. And this is going to help me manage those thoughts of fear. So embracing the journey which includes fear is a useful journey. Fear is a tool for emotional growth. It's needed for emotional strengthening, just like physical training for our bodies. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Yes. Does it take effort? Yes. Is it going to make you sweat? Yes. Is it going to make your armpits sweaty and your knees a little shaky? Absolutely. And yet, if we want to grow and we want to become more of who it is we have the capacity to be, we must learn to face fear and work with it. There is no other way that I know of. And if there was, I promise I'll share it with you. You are working with resistance. So accepting fear as an integral part of your personal and relational development is paramount here. And this idea of space is what is bringing these fears to the surface so that you can become more of who it is. You have the capacity to be Be facing these fears will pave the way for a stronger, more resilient you, which is going to create a stronger and more resilient relationship.

And does it always what you've just shared, does that always mean that whomever has taken space means that person will come back and you're going to live happily ever after?

No.

But if everybody was to deal with the fear that they're experiencing outside of like acquiescing to it and validating it and behaving in that way, we would get through it in a much better way. Gotcha. They may not come home, but they may be able to become a friend, a partner, a cheerleader for life, a wonderful co parent and cheerleader in life. Because the love that you shared will always and forever be the co creation. And the things that you did do and co create together will forever live on. And they still can. The question is, what are we to become? And what we're doing here with fear is we're deciding who that person is first. And then, and only then can I decide what I have to co create with another.

And then I would also then my follow up question is I already know the answer. But is it possible for whatever the circumstances for this space and separation between a husband and wife, special people, is that possible and are those the ingredients for a transformation?

Absolutely. I mean, there is no other way for transformation to happen. We call them breakthroughs. Why do we call them breakthroughs? What are you breaking through fear? Yeah, you're breaking through the fear. That's what a breakthrough is. Feeling the fear and doing what anyways you choose to do anyway. That is doing it differently. That is the healing. If I hold fear the same way I always have, when those feelings come up, then I'm validating the fear and essentially the fear will grow. Just as if I don't push against physical resistance and gravity and choose to do none of that. Not only am I physically weak, the substance of myself will grow and then pretty soon I could become paralyzed, not be able to get myself off the couch. I don't have the strength to do that. It works just the same for our emotional selves. And we really, really, really need to bring that home and take that to heart. Space is an opportunity. Yes, it really is. Of transformation, of development, of strengthening both of myself and my ability to co create with somebody else. Because any co creation when it comes to relationships is going to require me to work with fear. It is going to happen the moment that we decide we're going to co create together. And I'M all in and I care. Okay, cue the fear cue right there. And if I don't know how to work with it, then oft times what ends up happening is I acquiesce to it, I validate it, and our relationship then begins the entropy that Tom talked about earlier on and our relationship does a nose dive and goes the other direction. And that's what we're all so familiar with. On the way down, we don't realize that fear is at the heart of it. On the way down, we start making up narratives about how it was me, how it was you. You should know better. It's all your fault. We start demonizing our partners without realizing, okay, no, actually, at the heart of it, we've got to deal with this little emotional experience as a human being called what Team Fear. Fear. It is here to stay. It is principled. And I hope that this episode has helped you understand that maybe in greater totality. As we wrap up today's journey through the fears that we face and the self discovery and growth that awaits us on the other side of fear. Remember, this is a time right now if you're in a place of separation or you're in a place of recognizing that you're living within fear in your relationship, this can be a golden opportunity to enrich not just your own life life, but the fabric of your relationship as well. So if you're ready to dive deeper into this process to transform what might feel like a challenging separation or concern regarding my relationship experience into a period of profound personal and relational development, I want to personally invite you to join us for a 30 day roadmap. This program is designed to guide you through the very essence of what we've discussed here today. Day it's going to provide you with the tools, the support and the community to navigate your individual paths so that you can come back together stronger. Don't let this time of pause or this time of pain and discomfort be a time of stagnation. Instead, let it be a period where you plant the seeds for a more fulfilling and robust partnership. And you can do that by again joining TheLoveInLimboroadmap.com is where you can go to get information about the roadmap. And it will tell you what you need to know so that you can begin your transformative journey. Your relationship. Pause or struggle could be the start of the most significant growth you and your partner have ever experienced together and or apart. And I would say it's worth it. These are the things that will drive us to look and learn and grow in ways that we would never imagine ourselves doing. We'll do it for love. And very often we won't do it just because. So take the opportunity. Let's talk about. Follow the fun. And I feel like because of today's conversation around fear, we need a little bit of good news like fear. Oh, man, it can be a really heavy topic. It is just talking about it sometimes causes. Causes our hands to get sweaty. And so I really also want to teach you some principles that are just as principled as what we have shared with you regarding fear today. And so I'm going to invite you to say aloud and write these messages I'm going to give you right now down so that when you're spiraling in fear, you won't forget that these are also principles that you need to remember and cling to. Number one, you are not what has happened to you, you, you are actually so much more. What happens to you is no measure of who you have the capacity to be. Number two, you deserve good things simply because you're alive. That's the only requirement. Okay? You're here, you're on this planet. Okay? Then you qualify to deserve good things in your life. Number three, being enough and worthy has nothing to do with your behavior that you are good enough and you are worthy. And our behavior is, especially when we're spiraling in fear can be something that's quite spectacular, can't it? But that, again, is not who I am. It is how I'm responding to probably what fear. And the last one is, no matter where you are right now, regardless of what your circumstances are, I want you to know that things will become good again. Things pass, things change, times change. And understanding also does. I just need to work through it and with it and know that better days are coming. I promise. So write these down, remind yourself of these principled truths as you're wrestling with fear, and it will be a little bit of good news that you can reach for while you're in this place. And of course, every week we find a song that we feel relates to the episode that we've just shared with you. I struggled with this.

I can share with the people, with our listeners. I mean, I was in my other office and I said, babe, I thought Stacy was just chilling out, just jamming on music because there were so many songs typically or a lot of times. I know last week there, it just appeared really quickly. Interestingly enough, we have one of the co singers of last week that's a return star for this week. But I said, babe. She said, honey, that was a hard one. I mean, I took and took and took and took and took to life. Landed on one.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes kind of sorting or doing that translation piece, I just can't find the words that I want to express or I just don't want to find that.

So I'm just letting the listener know. There's a lot of effort that went in for Stacy for this one. Like very rarely do Brooke and I contribute to this part of the show. This is Stacy, that. And the fun is. It's surprising, it's fun for us because Brooke and I usually don't know what Stacy has prepared on both of these segments.

Well, and sometimes, just like I was saying, that translation, it takes a minute, you kind of wrestle with it. And so I really wrestled with what it is I wanted today's message to be about. As we were talking about fear, and then I came across again. Teddy Swims. He is becoming a rising star in my world.

Well, I think in the whole world.

Well, it just his. His emotional expression and his voice is so unique and his lyrics are so profound. And so he did not disappoint as I stumbled across his. Lose control and lose control. Isn't that what we do when we're spiraling in fear? We just straight up lose our. Don't we? I mean, I. I sure did and do. And maybe that's true for our listeners as well. And in the lyrics to this song, he says, something's got a hold on me lately. No, I don't know myself anymore. Feels like the walls are closing in and the devil is knocking at my door. And I don't know that there's better lyrics. The feelings of fear that might be banging on your door right now, but I felt like that really nailed it. And then he goes on to say, I lose control when you're not next to me I'm falling apart. And so check out this song, man. He sings it with such conviction. And it's just a great song that I think, wow. I think it will really resonate with that wrestle that we're encouraging you to take on as you do an emotional push up with fear so that we can become stronger and resilient and that we can create more of the experiences that we choose to embark on in this most emotional experience we will ever have as a human being called love and relationships. You can check out this song on my Spotify account Playlist, which is Love Shack Live playlist, or on my website. Staceybartly.com. or you can simply go to good old YouTube and search up Teddy Swim, Lose control. You can find it there as well. So on that note, it's a wrap. Thank you so much for being here with us. I hope that this little journey down the conversation of fear has hopefully widened your minds to what fear is and how to work with it, as well as what's possible for you today. And please remember, good news is coming.

And I would just share if you're listening live. We've already got 25 people already in our roadmap program. We're starting again if you're listening live January 14th. And I know we love as humans and me included to oh, I got lots of time and you do, but we're capping it by Design at 75 people. And if you join us now before the 14th, you already you get access to our portal where everything takes place. There's some preliminary resources, there's a recording of the bonus call that this whole episode was derived from so you can experience that. You can also direct message us questions between when you join and when we start on the 14. So there really are some reasons as to why and the reason why we're capping it because we want to make sure it's an incredible experience. That's why. So we'd love to have you join us.

Yeah. All right, I think that's a wrap. Sending you off with a ton of love and is and the power to create more love in your life today. Thank you so much for being here with us. We look forward to being back next time in the Love Shack. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.