#160: Love’s New Year Revolution: Rekindling Your Connection Amidst Doubt

Have you ever found yourself at the start of a new year, brimming with hope and dreams, only to watch them slowly fade as the months roll by? This cycle, familiar to many of us, isn't limited to just our New Year's resolutions. It permeates the very essence of our relationships as well. The dreams we cherish, the emotional connections we yearn to deepen, often become obscured by a focus on what we don't or want, rather than the fulfillment of desire we truly seek. Welcome to Love Shack Live. I'm Stacy Bartley, a relationship expert here with my co host and lover, Tom and our daughter Brooke. We're dedicated to guiding you through these complex emotional landscapes, especially at times when love feels the most challenging. In today's episode, we delve into the common relationship experience of this. In the beginning, the relationship we feel is strong, we're connected, and nothing seems to be a problem, only to find ourselves months and years later, brokenhearted and fearful about our future. The doubt of what is to be is throat deep in each of us as we search for permission to stick around and try again or get the hell out of dodge. Why does this happen? And how can we foster understanding and closeness with the passing of time? Well, today we'll uncover how shifting our focus from avoiding what we fear to embracing what we desire can illuminate a path of growth, connection and mutual understanding of self and each other. It's about transforming our don't wants into powerful, driving do wants. So together, prepare yourself to embark on learning to turn challenges of life and love into opportunities for deeper, more meaningful connections. Stay tuned as we uncover the art of maintaining love's bond even when distance creeps in. Because that's what we do here in the Love Shack. We turn relationship challenges into stepping stones for a stronger and a more resilient love.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

So here's the deal. New Year's resolutions, right? It's that time of the year. The time we focus on what we dream of and desire in our lives. So we set goals, intentions, create vision boards, and feel out journaling prompts. The Internet right now is ripe with tips and tricks for helping you design the person in life that you want to have. We shift from what we don't want into what we do want in our life, lives and our relationships. And for a brief moment here in time, we allow our minds and our hearts to express desire and hope. We experience personal pep talks such as, this is the year I'm gonna make it happen. I'm Gonna go for it. Like this is the one. Dig deep, let's go. And then we take bold actions and all seems to be going well. And then bam, we hit resistance. AKA our doubts, fears and insecurities. What happens next, huh? Well, this is good. We cue the story. You know the one, the story I tell myself and others that explains why I can't do it, why it won't happen, why I can't have it. And the old emotions of failed attempts in the past surface and I feel overwhelmed and thwarted yet again. Why? I say why? Why does this happen? This often leaves us in a place Charlie Brown explains like this. You know, I always dread the whole year. Well, this year I'm only going to dread one day at a time. Well, okay, we have to find a better way because if we don't, we'll continuously be thwarted by the resistance that is inevitably something we're going to bump into. So how about we start at the beginning and talk about how does growth and expansion work? Really? Let's talk about it in the physical sense. Because if you spend any time with us on this podcast, you know, we love to take emotional experiences and turn them into something that we can really relate to in the physical sphere. And so here's the deal. Resistance, let's talk about it. In the world in which we live in, gravity, is that something that's invisible, that we push against? I know that as a human being living in the environment that I live in, I'm going to, if I want, develop a strong capacity within me physically in, in regards to my muscles, in regards to my endurance, I'm going to have to work and push against gravity. This is indeed how I strengthen my body, grow more muscle, expand my capacity to do more with less effort. There is no other way. And we gear ourselves up for some kind of a physical fitness training, especially at the beginning of the year. And I take on doing just that. It's not easy. In fact, if you've ever embarked on some kind of a physical development program, you'll know that the first month is, well, hell, actually it hurts. You're stiff, you're sore. More than a month, huh? And you know, as the days progress, you get through the first week fine. You get through the second week fine. By the third week you're going, I don't know how much more of this I can take. By the fourth week, fifth week, sixth week, you're like, eh, you've got that story unfolding yet again unless you push past it. And once you push past it and get into month, two, months, three, you start to reap some of the benefits of all that pain and resistance in the beginning. And if we want that experience, there is no other way but to push through it. And so it is with our emotional expansion and growth only. We push against a substance that's a little different than gravity. It's still exceptionally thick, and the resistance is very real. But that substance that I push against emotionally is my fear, my own doubts about what I can do, who I can be, how this should go. And that is a very real thing. And that if I want to increase my strength emotionally and my capacity to endure things, my resiliency, I absolutely am going to be called upon to push against fear. So that fear works just like gravity from the emotional perspective. If I don't want to wrestle with it, no problem. Then I'm not going to gain the strength and the capacity that I would emotionally. And I'm in a place where instead of responding emotionally because I have clarity and strength to resist the reacting, then I will be forced to react instead. And those are my choices. I work with the fear emotionally, or I react and I take my emotions out on others. There is no other way, just like there is no other way to develop myself physically. So we need to embrace the reality that resistance is what I push against, which allows me to expand my personal strength and capacity both physically and emotionally.

What do you say to the people who believe? Maybe they don't say this out loud. There are lots of people out there who believe that to protect themselves from repeating past relationship mistakes, or they're really hurt from past relationships, they avoid pain and fear at all costs. What do you say to those people?

I get it. It seems like a really logical place to go when I'm trying to keep myself safe. However, what we tend to do is find these same beautiful humans in a place where they're trying to pretend like they don't care and that they don't want these things which they think is going to save them from the pain of actually pushing a gun without realizing, trying to cut themselves off and not be involved in love and not have connection. And those kinds of wonderful emotions that we all long for as a human being is just as painful. It's just the story and the narrative that I weave to justify the position that is the difference maker.

So what would be the physical similar response to that? Like, okay, I just. I guess I'm too old or too whatever. And I'm just not. Can't do this anymore.

Yeah. Or the one that I'm in right now, where I kind of go, you know what? I know I put on. On like £30 in the last five years.

Do we need to talk about that now?

But I don't care, you know, I don't know.

Big deal.

I'll get to it when I'm ready.

Yeah. Besides which, you know what? Not everybody has to be the size of a toothpick in order to be happy. I can be happy right here, right now, the way I am. I'm just saying the justification is the same.

That's why it's easy to bring it into the physical, because it's easier for us.

To kind of pair the two. When I gain weight, some people can see that as an additional protective mechanism because you are kind of keeping people away from you by doing that as well. You know, that's kind of shallow, but. But that's the mindset that can sometimes happen when you're doing that. You're like, well, I don't really want anyone to talk to me anyways, so I'm just going to stay fat and happy with myself. You know, that's kind of what people can think and feel, and it's comes out in the physical sense.

Well, and we work out a lot of things in this place. Right. It's like, I want to be loved as I am, so if people can't take me as I am, then screw them. But really what it is, is it's a layer of defensiveness because at the heart of it, I'm dealing with my own fear of, okay, so what are you going to do about this? You know, it's kind of like the idea of I'm worried, I'm not worried kind of thing. I'm trying to justify this when it's probably something I need to address. Not for any other reason, other. This is not something that makes me feel congruent with who I know myself to be. That's the problem. It doesn't matter what the weight or the number or.

Yeah.

Or none of it.

It's how it's your health and how you feel.

Exactly. Really, it's the congruence of the idea that is this me? Really. Is this how I want to walk in my. My physical spacesuit and feel emotionally or not? Or is it out of congruence with who it is I want to be and how I want to feel? Yeah. And if I find myself in a place where I'm either judging harshly for the things that they have that I don't, or if I'm in A place where I'm judging myself harshly. I need to look at that place where why am I doing this? Is it because I'm not congruent with who it is I want to be? Am I buying into social norms and I don't agree? Am I raging against that? Like, what is it? And that's where what we call the emotional push up comes into play. And what we tend to do is instead of do what I just said, which takes effort and thought and pushing against the resistance, I get to a place where I just get defensive and I focus solely on the don't want part of my life. And that don't want part of my life. It's a crazy thing. The more I focus on beating myself up for whatever the reason might be, or the more that I judge and get defensive with others for whatever the reason might be. I just want you to see that it's a principle that I get more of what it is I say I don't want to, which really sucks. It sucks for all of us. But I just want you to know that's a universal principle that we all have to dance with and we all have to get good with. It's like this saying, I can't have it both ways. I can't complain enough about not being strong enough or resilient enough to have what it is I say I want. It tends to intensify what it is I'm stuck in.

I think a lot of times this is a fallacy that we think talking about our problems is doing something. It's the same thing as taking a test and figuring out what your love language is or your personality type. You're not doing anything. You're just gathering more information or you're talking about more information. The true magic that happens, whether you're trying to improve yourself or your relationship, is the doing part. And the doing is doing the thing. I know I'm jumping ahead of you a little bit, but the doing comes from the do wants. So what do you want? And then you have to work at doing those things. Just so everybody knows I am not good at this. I'm a very good information gatherer and I use it as a stalling tactic all the time. I've wasted years of my life gathering information, so I very much relate to it.

Yeah. You and a lot of others. I love this. If knowledge is power, then the application is the wisdom.

Yep.

You know?

Yes.

And it's the hardest part.

It is.

It's the hardest part. It is the hardest part because so it Makes sense. Focusing on the don't want. We're experts at that. We don't need any more help at that. We don't need to waste any more time there because we already got it. We're masters at it. So saying what you're saying and switching to the. The do want, which is what this episode is about, that's hard.

Well, and I just will assure you, listener, that, believe me, you are not in rare company here, because we go through this exercise with private clients and our members, and I can assure you, like, less than 1%. That's why we switched. How we facilitate this particular framework and process is instead of focusing on what you do want, we start with the don't wants, and then we have people flip them because you and us are the same. It's like deer in a headlights. Like people I don't know. So that's why Stacy said, okay, I got to figure out how to go this another way, because I'm getting nothing here. So you're not in rare company. Most of us have no idea what we do want. And because we were raised like, well, you don't think the world revolves around you, do you?

Right.

Last thing I want to say, I know we're really stealing the mic because Mom 2 wants to move on to the next part of the show, but I want to say, especially to the people who are navigating space in their relationship, if you have been asked for space and you're waiting for your partner to come back to you and you're like, what do you want me to do? Like, what do you want? What changes should we make in the relationship? And the partner who's taking space continually says, I don't know. That's normal. They're not trying to skirt the issue or trying to get away from you or get more time by saying, they don't know it's true. They really don't know because of everything we're talking about right now.

So if we take this idea and we think about we've got to push as inevitable, if we want what it is we say we want, that's going to be a requirement. Like, working with resistance is a part of the environment in the world in which we live in. I didn't make up the rules. I think it's just important for us to understand what they are. And so here's what typically happens and why it is. Our resolutions or our goals or our great intentions or anything that it is we want to accomplish gets thwarted. What ends up happening is our focus. Like Right now is a precious window. And in January, I want you to know it's only 30 days long. So out of 365 days. Okay, yeah, but by 30 days and you're, you're done. You're not talking about this on 31. All right, I'm just saying there's a 30 day window here where we're going to talk about what it is we want and who we want to be and the things that we want to develop with inside of ourselves and in our lives and in our careers and in our money. And we go through the whole gamut. And with our relationships with our lovers and our children and our family and our co workers, we go through the whole gamut. We have all these elaborate processes and systems with which we're going to double down and really make it happen. This is the year and that gets us. That's a conversation that's only 30 days long. Because time we get to February 1st, that conversation is over. And guess what? We're back to mired and the resistance. Why? Because the status quo, which is mired in the resistance. Why? Because we don't understand that we're pushing against resistance number one to start with, not physically, we don't talk about that. We talk about resistance training, but we certainly don't talk about it when it comes to emotional sense of well being and capacity and resiliency. Like that is a crazy notion that I have something I have to push against there. And I'm going to say, oh the hell it is. If you don't push against fear right here emotionally, you're not going to be able to expand your strength and your resiliency, your emotional capacity to navigate through the inevitable challenges and the ups and downs of life and love. And this is what we hit in a big way. We bam into it like it is like bam. And then we're stuck and we're back into the old conversation. For the rest of the 300 days of the year, we're stuck there. And it's because we don't know how to shift our focus. Now we all have probably heard, especially if I am a person who pursues personal growth and well being, I probably understand the notion that what I focus on grows or what I focus on expands. Yes, so we get that concept. But, but do we? Because here's what I find. Our focus, that really is a true statement. But why? Let's dive a little deeper into that. What I focus on is literally the ability to create something. And if I focus on the don't Want part or I focus on the fear of what's not working in my life and in my relationship. Guess what we're going to talk about. Guess where my focus is. Guess how I'm going to show up. Guess what my doing is. It's blaming you about all the things you've done wrong. And I just know there's this very elusive quality here that if I just get to the bottom of who's to blame for this show, then we're gonna finally have the nugget that we need in order to move forward. And so it's like all life is suspended until we can figure out what the problems are and who's to blame for this and who's the byproduct of the responsibility needs to lie with. And then we can pick up all the good things and we can move on in our lives without realizing why separation happens and why we need space. Because in that ideology, in that behavior, we simply run out of emotional gas. There's not enough gas in the emotional gas tank to take us to the end or the bottom of that heap. It will never work. And we are going to exhaust ourselves and emotional overwhelm and we're going to get stuck. You really are stuck in the emotional don't want of your life. And you keep talking about it and it keeps coming up and you won't let it go. And then we circle back around again and our brains are these mechanisms that get attuned to the things that we focus on, continue to go back to them. So now everything sends me back to this thing that's not working in our relationship that I feel emotionally overwhelmed about. And I become more and more more acute and focused on this don't want place in my relationship. And I'm just so sure that as it continues to show up and we talk about it and hash it one more time, we're on probably number 3255. Like, if you could just pull it together, for God's sakes, I just know that we would be able to move forward. And now I start to make up a narrative that is just malicious. You're just doing this because you. You don't want me. You don't. You never did. It was all just a bunch of bs. And I start to make up this very malicious lie that it's very intentional. Now you're out to get me. You're just out to bring these emotions up in me. And this is when I go, I just can't do this anymore. I can't do it. And the chaos and the crazy making in my own thinking and in my own triggers tends to take me to this place where I'm just emotionally exhausted.

Do you have some good news for us, I hope?

Yeah.

Okay.

Because the focus on the don't want is always going to create this place. Like, that's number one. You need to understand, like, the more I focus on the don't want and what's not working and who's responsible and who's at fault and who's to blame for this, that's the piece that's going to create an emotional stuckness. Because of my focus is my ability to create. What am I creating? Well, I'm creating this. So there I am. And the only way that I'm going to be able to create a moment that's different than the one I'm living in is to create an idea of what I want instead. It really is just that.

And this is why you're so passionate about. We always remind people when they start working with us, however, that is that if something in the past is going to keep you from moving forward, it will raise its head and we'll work on it as it shows up. Otherwise, we're going to talk about moving forward.

Yeah, but how do we. As a person who has been obsessive and couldn't stop thinking about what I don't want and seeing this huge picture of gloom and doom and no way out, how do you let that go? Because I feel like a lot of people are comfortable there and that's where they feel like, no, I have to stay in this place because this is where the change is going to be made. So how can you flip it and say, okay, I'm ready to let this go and. And find a better way? Do you know what I mean?

Well, I think the awareness that what I'm doing in this obsessive thought pattern is actually getting worse, not better. That it's not taking me actually where I want to go. There's an elusive quality here that we all can fall culprit to that the longer I stay here and the more I obsess about what's not working, the more answers I'm going to find at the end of the road. And sometimes we can misconstrue this as the resistance that I'm talking about. Like, oh, I just need to dig deeper. I just need to look here deeper. And I just need to get them to confess or admit or see it my way. And if I pressure them to do so, then finally I'm going to get what it is I want is that.

Proverbial ground zero that we're after, so to speak.

Well, and that also, also it can be the other way where if I just beat myself up enough, then I'll have paid enough for my mistakes. I just want our. The listener to hear that. That can be another form of this. Because people who are anxious or obsessive, you can ruminate over this one mistake you made, and you're thinking that you're doing something by doing that, but all you're doing is staying stuck and causing yourself so much pain.

Yeah. And is that pain ever get better by doing that?

No.

I mean, do we just have to think of the. Of the reality of it? Because we've all spent time and have experience here, but very rarely do we take this, we kick our logic in and go, is this really working? Is this taking me anywhere? Or am I just falling apart and breaking down more? Am I getting more of what it is that's not working because I'm staying here? Is this working? Am I improving? Is there an answer at the bottom of this rabbit hole? And I'm going to say to you, no, you can't dig deep enough. You can't beat yourself up or somebody else enough up to move yourself in a productive direction. Like, that's the faulty thinking. And I think sometimes we just don't understand that from a principle. Principled place. Right. We think that we're actually trying to accomplish something good. I mean, we can misconstrue that. Being humble or taking responsibility or forcing my person to take responsibility for things, when really what we're doing is just beating them up. So what is the line there? What is the distinction between those two places? And I'm going to tell you this, going in a positive direction is always going to make you feel better, not worse. And if you're feeling worse, then you're going in the wrong direction.

So that's the compass.

That's the distinction. If it's not taking you to a better place tomorrow, then I'm probably living out the same old moment tomorrow.

Well, what about, like, wait a minute, Stacy, you don't understand what I just went through. You're dismissing because we get blamed as a family and a body of work, that we dismiss things because we have an alternative view. So what do you say to that person?

I'm going to just say, you know what? The evidence stands that I have never been in an experience as a human being where I beat somebody else up or I beat myself up and have that take me in any productive direction ever. That has never worked 100% of the time, like, it is flawless. It always takes me the same old place that breaks my heart, makes me cry, makes me feel shitty.

The city of the you know what.

The city of the you know what is where I live. And I insist, I'm so insistent on that is the way it's got to be. I've got to make you pay, I've got to make myself pay in order to make this right. And I'm going to tell you right now, that will never take you anywhere good. It only takes you to further breakdown. It will cause your anxiety to reel, your depression to reel, and the relationships that are so precious to you to fall apart. And it's because we don't understand this principle that I cannot spend enough time there in that elusive ideology that if I just get to the bottom of this, beat myself up or beat them up enough, it's going to take me to where it is I want to go. I see this a lot. Like, if I can get somebody to feel the pain that I'm feeling, then maybe it's going to take us somewhere. They'll finally understand me.

And maybe that will remove some of what I'm feeling.

And I'm going to say to you, no, it won't. You sharing how it hurts will. But thinking that you punishing them, thwarting them, maliciously attacking them, blaming them, pointing fingers, and all the things that we do in our relationships in a defensive posture because we're hurting only creates more of what it is we don't want. Look at it. And these things will escalate again and again and again into what I call a default option to where something is going to give and we're going to get a byproduct of what it is we have actually do not want.

I just want to point out something real quick. The thing you just said about making someone pay or pay back. I just want to point out how it can be so simple. A couple weeks ago, me and my fiance Jack, he got into a fight with me because I didn't take my clothes out of the dryer. And he was running late in the morning, and so he needed to tumble his shirt to get the wrinkles out, but he couldn't fit anything in there because I had it so freaking full because I was so busy with work. I just didn't do it. And I understand why that was so frustrating, but we got into a pretty big fight and then he apologized and said I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you like that. That was a big overreaction. Anyways, that's not the point. The next day, guess whose clothes were in the dryer when I needed to put mine in his so I could have taken that moment to give it back to him. You know what I mean? And in my less emotionally evolved days, I would have. I would have been like, are you freaking kidding me? Your clothes are in the dryer? And remember what you said to me the other day? I just want to point out that simple exchange happens so many times in our relationship, and every single time you do it, you're taking a little chip out of the emotional safety of your relationship. So that.

That. Or if you take the opposite view, you're adding to the new foundation to.

Not exactly. And. And he made a point. When I brought his clothes folded and put them away for him as a favor, he was like, oh, my God, thank you so much for not saying anything and for just folding my clothes. That was really nice. And I was like, I just edited a podcast on emotional safety, so if I didn't do that, I would have been a real hypocrite. You know, I said that it was funny. It was a funny moment. But it's so true, because I just want to point that out, that that simple thing of making people pay. We often think of it in the big things, like an affair or a big betrayal, but it's little moments where you make your partner pay and you bring up the past or you put in a jab. It's just little cuts to your emotional safety. And it's just because we're not doing an emotional push up at the time. And it feels good to get that jab in, but not doing the jab is going to pay back in big dividends. And I just. I just wanted to remind everybody of that, because it was a good lesson to me, too.

Yeah, no, it is. And we're never done with this, like, in the world in which we live in it. It really is like physical fitness. Like, if I want to be physically strong, then I need to keep doing things to push against resistance. And if I want to be emotionally strong and resilient and I want to be able to respond instead of react, I have to embark on a consistent practice of emotional weightlifting. There is no other way. You don't get to have it both ways. You're not going to reap the benefit of working with the resistance. Right. If you don't work with the resistance, it's like, you can't. That's not possible. So focus is a big one. And when we focus, as we've touched on here, essentially they come stuck in the don't want. There's this elusive quality that says if I make you pay, if I continue here in this obsessive thought process, then finally I'm going to have this, aha. You're going to see the light or I'm going to see the light, or I'm going to have the answers that I'm looking for. I'm going to tell you, no, no. If it's getting worse productively day in and day in, day out, then you're going in the wrong direction. That's the distinction. I want to start feeling a little bit better. And so how can we immediately feel a little bit better? Well, again, going back to January 1st and New Year, I want you to think about what a refreshing idea that is. And why is that a refreshing idea? It's because we are focusing on the want. It's because we're giving ourselves a reprieve from the don't want that encompasses the rest of the year. It's like I give myself, I allow myself because it's a social, cultural type of thing in order to celebrate the beginning, a new fresh start that I don't have to be held down or held captive or bondage in this old place of last year. But I have an opportunity to do it differently this year. And I just want you to take a moment right here and I want you to think about how refreshing and life giving, that like there's a moment of, oh my gosh, I actually get a do over, I get to start over, that the, the experiences of the past can be put behind me and I can allow myself to go forward. And what I want to propose to you, if you really understand the ability to focus, is you can give yourself that thing every single day of the year, not just January 1st.

So a new Year's every day, A.

New Year's every day. Wow. I'm going to stop focusing on the don't want realizing it doesn't take me anywhere. It just gets me emotionally stuck in my can't do my don't want, my can't have my thwarted again, no progress made. And when I hit the resistance, if I buy into the resistance as though it is the reality that I have to accept, then I'm going to give up. I'm going to feel emotionally overwhelmed. I'm going to feel like I can't do it. Is Too much. But if I can stay rooted in, okay, this didn't work, but what can I do? How can I move forward? What is available to me here, what is possible here? What is it I want? I can recenter and refocus myself and taking yet another step against the resistance and the direction that I want to go. And if I don't have the ability to do that, I'm going to get swallowed whole and I'm going to get stuck there for the rest of the year. So focusing instead on moving from fear and avoidance into what it is I want. Once we get to that, we can strategize it, we can brainstorm it, we can share it, and we can take another bold action even if we fall down, even if we fall over, even if we make a mess, even if we make a mistake, that this idea of a do over can be available to you every single day. There's a place of renewal every single day. If I realize that what I need to look for in the don't want is okay, now, what do I want to do now? Where do I want to go now? What do I want to see happen based on what's just happened here? The don't want is a wonderful gift. It's only a gift if I take that don't want and let it be a guide to me that, okay, this didn't work, I don't want to go there, don't want to do this, this isn't helping me. Okay, so what do I want? What is possible? What is a next best step? What is it I have available and can take advantage of right now? And Brooke, if we go back to your simple idea of the clothes and the dryer and the fight that you had and the experience that you had and when you go in the next day and open up the dryer and there's his clothes in there, right? There's this moment of ah, do I want to continue to go down this road and create another fight? Because pain and struggle and defensiveness is going to take us somewhere. What do I want? I want to feel. I want to feel connected. I want to feel safe. I want to do something to improve my relationship, not continue to break it down. So I'm going to fool his clothes and I'm going to take them to him and I'm going to present him as though, you know, I could have like rubbed this in your face, but I didn't because what I want something more.

Listener may be saying, you know, that's wonderful, whatever, but you cannot dismiss the power of that demonstration right there, I can assure you it, like Brooke said, it's the small things that make the difference. It's not the big things. It's the little things done consistently over time that move the needle tremendously.

Well. And what is Brooke working with here? Resistance. What is the resistance? The fear of. And the knowing that I could totally rub this in your face, like, and.

It would be warranted.

Oh, I could justify that. So easy and a snapshot. But is that what I want or is that what I don't want?

Exactly. And there's so many times where I have, in past relationships or this one, rubbed it in someone's face. And. And I know everybody does it, but it's just a. It's a really powerful moment where you can make the other choice, you know.

And you won't be able to make the other choice if you're mired in pain and defensiveness yourself. So now you start to see how it is. We create more of what it is we focus on. If I'm hurting and I'm still obsessing about that fight about Jack coming to you and saying, gd, your clothes are in the dryer. There's too many. And we have this fight. If I'm still mired in that, then I don't even have the ability to see with. With the capacity to respond instead of react. I'm going to react. I'm going to say, oh, guess what? I just found the dryer. Do you want to take a guess? Your clothes. It's so easy. And unless I do that work with resistance and I have the understanding and knowing to do so, I'm going to fall corporate to that. There is no other way. So I think it's important for us to talk about, okay, how do we become more aware of these precious moments and taking advantage of the want and allowing that to be a pursuit, not just right now, but for the rest of the year. And in order to do that, I want you to understand the gap principle. And the gap principle is this. I have these great ideas and these great visions about being somewhere that I am not. And I can see it so clearly. And I believe in some places of my heart that it's so possible. And so I muster up, okay, I'm going to do it like this. We're going to put this together. I'm going to take bold action. I'm going to put. I'm going to do this. I'm never going to do this. This is how it's going to go. And I get excited. And if I'm in a place of new territory, I'm also going to get a little nervous. Okay, I hope this goes well. Here we go. And I'm going to jump into the gap, which is the space between where I am right now today and the space of what I see and hope is possible for me tomorrow. And that gap is the place where I literally into and become the person that can stand on the other side of that gap, experiencing the things that I know are within me to experience and create and become. And in that gap, it's messy. It's messy as hell because in that gap is where I'm going to run into all the resistance. And the minute I leap into pursuing what it is I say I want, I'm going to hit resistance. There's just no way around it. All my fear and insecurity are going to come up, and if I let that stop me, I'm going to come up with a really good story to tap out and be done. And I'm going to go back to the beginning with a really great story and more fear, right? And more inertia that I've got to push through the next time I attempt to do this. But if I stay in the gap, I'm going to learn a lot of things about me and about my relationship and about what's possible for better or for worse. And as I push against this fear, I'm going to learn and have experiences like, damn, I didn't know this was part of the gap. I didn't know this is part of the deal. Like, man, I never knew it'd be so easy to give up right now. But if I stay with it, I actually develop the ability to become the person that can do it differently. And that's how we change behavior. And so the saying about the gap is this. It's exciting and thrilling and terrifying in the beginning, Messy as hell in the middle. Like, I am, like, pushing and struggling and, ah, I can't believe this. I gotta do this. What? That's unbelievable. You're kidding me right now, right? Those are all conversations in the middle of the gap, which, by the way, is the biggest part of the experience. But when I arrive at where it is, I want to go, I go. It's glorious. And I would take the ride every single time without question, unless I tap out. And if I don't pursue what it is I want, I'm never going to make it through the gap. The resistance is going to swallow me whole and I'm going To come back with yet another great story about why I can't do it, why I'm not enough, why this isn't going to work, or why they can't do it, why they can't make the journey, why it can't be what it is I ultimately want. And my question to you is, did we really try? Did we work against the fear? Did we work and come up with a want, and did we consistently pursue that even though we fell down, made a mistake, made a mess, screamed and yelled in our resistance of working with it? It's messy work, but it's worthwhile work every time.

And, you know, to be fair, I think most of us need some help along the way.

We do.

I mean, there's nothing inferior about us. I always remind people, like when I'm on my clarity calls. Last time I checked, Mr. LeBron James, a pretty darn good basketball player, last time I checked. He's got, like, not just one coach, one person around him that challenges to him his best version. He's got many. And he's 39 years old and he's played for, what, 19 years. So, like, his commitment to his mastery of his craft is huge.

Wow. And come on, we can all. I mean, all three of us, we're talking about this, but do you think for one minute the reason why we don't get emotionally connected to this is we're not wrestling with it ourselves? We can't relate to what it is we're talking about? Oh, every single human being can, because it is life. And the inertia of resistance will swallow you whole if we don't learn how to dance with.

And it doesn't make you inferior less than if, you know, you need some support in doing this. That's why I bring up, you know, Mr. James, because, well, you know, he's pretty good player, you know, well.

And if you are like me, someone who has a tendency to focus on don't want and has a tendency to be. Be obsessive in your negative thinking spirals, I would encourage you especially to admit that you need some help with this because it can be very hard to switch your thinking style without help. And just sitting there thinking, well, why can't I do this? Or am I a bad person? Or a failure is not helpful either. So getting into a new environment where other people are struggling, too, can be really helpful to number one, see you're not alone. And number two, get some new tools and skills that can make this process easier for you.

Mm. Well, it's an interesting Thing, our survival skill that we have in our brains is going to cause us to walk into any situation or circumstance. And if there's resistance present, we're going to go, that's a problem. That's a problem. That won't work. That won't work. You're a liar. That's. And we can spout that stuff off in like, 22 seconds. But if we were to ask you to flip it into something I do want instead, something I could pursue, something that was going to take me forward and help me work with the resistance by asking you, what do you want instead? If this doesn't work for you, what do you want? Most of us go, I don't have. I don't know. I don't know. That's why I'm here. I hear that all the time. That's why I'm here. Stace, you're supposed to tell me. And I'm like, unfortunately, that's not something I can tell you. That's something that's very unique and individualized for you.

Now, I can help you discover that.

I can help you discover that, but I can't give it to you. And. And it isn't. If we were to be really honest with ourselves in this moment, which I hope you are here as a listener, isn't that really what you're wanting somebody to give you is the clarity and the peace of mind and the experience of. That's what I want. Yes. You knocked it out of the park. And what we don't realize often is the only person who can give that to you is you. You. You are the only person who can come up with those answers. And you are the only person who can create a strategy in order to make that happen. And you can't bang on your partner enough to make that be the case. They can't give you. Serve up, Figure it out, do the work for you. It's work that only you can do as an individual. Now, I'm going to be the first to admit that idea really sucks, because I would love it if I could just make you responsible for my happiness and my wellbeing, and then I could stop the pushing against the resistance myself. It's your fault. And yet that's never going to take me where it is I want to go. And it's never going to create the type of relationship that I want to have. And that's why we see so few examples of thriving relationships overall. It's because we don't understand this very simple principle. I need to know what it is I need what it is I want in order to be happy. Not only do I need to know it, I need to get specific about what it is I want. I need to be able to translate those thoughts, feelings and emotions, so much so that I can teach them to you. Because otherwise I will consistently be disappointed and unfulfilled as a human being.

And I think that's very unique to us. And how we go about things is. And I remind people this on our calls is the ability to advocate. And I said, and I always. I realized I didn't say be a you know what or demand or just be a sob. I said, advocate. Think how rarely we hear that word. Advocate is meaning I'm going to let my special someone know, but it's not going to be from a place of how this. Usually you think you're not. That's a very. I love that word because we very rarely hear it. Advocate is knowing firmly and soundly what it is we need and want, but it's also allowing that same gift to our special someone back to us.

Right.

It's not ex. At the exclusion of them. No. It's in concert with them.

Right.

That's a big distinction.

So it's important for us to recognize that the don't wants are going to come up. That's okay. But as quickly and as efficiently as you can reach for the opposite of that don't want. If this is what you don't want, then what do you want? This is expanding our potential for growth and deeper connection. And it will absolutely require you to push against the resistance. It's this principle. We figure life out as we go, not before we get started.

So give us, babe. What's one that you hear often? I mean, you hear lots often. But what is a huge do want that or a often don't want that? You hear that, then flip it into what someone does want. What is like one of the, you know, I know you hear lots of them often.

The most common one is I want to stop fighting.

Okay?

We're fighting all the time. And we're fighting because they said this. Do you know what they said? I can't believe they said this. And how many times has this been brought up in our relationship? And here we go again. So if they would just stop bringing that up, I would be fine. We would be fine. But because they keep going there, we're not. We fight instead. And the fighting is getting more incessant. So that's a common. That's probably the number one common. The second Common is. Is adjacent to that, which is. Our communication is terrible. We're on different planets, we talk different languages. They say this one thing, I get fired up, and then we're off to the races and we're fighting, which is kind of the same thing. Writes the words that we use.

So flip that.

And so in flipping that, we have to get to a place where it's like, okay, if what you're saying is causing me to react, then what would I like to see happen instead? And it's going to always take us to this little thing that we've done, talked about many times on the podcast, but I think it warrants this is a do want place. Three remedies that will serve you right now in flipping this to a do want is to be heard. We fight in conflict because we react. And I'm not feeling heard. I'm feeling like you don't understand me where I'm coming from, which is going to perpetuate us to fight more, not less. So if I, in your. In your word, babe, advocate for what I'm seeing and understanding as my don't want, and what I do want is to be heard, then I can pursue that by saying, look, I know we're fighting right now, and I'm noticing that what I need is just to feel heard. Can we just take a breath right now and focus on that? And then I promise I will return that to you. Or better yet, give first. Give fast. You know what? I'm noticing that we're not hearing each other. That's what I want. I'm going to take a pause right now and let's reset, and I'm going to focus on understanding where you're coming from. And then I'm going to ask that you do the same for me. That will probably go better. And that is a great example of turning a don't want into. You just don't get me. You just don't understand me. You always got to bring this up. Here we go again. Oh, we're going to fight about this. Oh, that's stuck in the don't want. And I just recognizing and realizing you don't hear me, that there's some things that I fundamentally don't feel like you get about me. And so if we could focus on that want and pursue it with intention, I want you to see that that's going to stop the fight. There's no need for a fight if we're pursuing the want.

And I think it's important to the listeners. Did you just. There was no accusation in what Stacy shared in flipping it. And I think that's very important for us to understand. We've got to come from a place of invitation because if we're going to be receiving something as being further accused, it's going to continue to take us down the rabbit hole in the wrong way. So Stacy's background and, and always coming from a place of mediation, it is a truly a win win mindset because we all want to be valued, seen and appreciated. Just make sure, take that pause and is what I'm sharing here from that thread of those three, one or more. If you can hit one or more of value, seen and appreciated, it's probably going to render a much different outcome.

Yes. And it's okay that it's messy. I think sometimes we really panic and the fear really gets. Gets the best of us. The doubt really gets the best of us because we're in a place of messy without realizing the messy is always. It always showcases something that we want. And the more stark it gets, the more the want is easier to find. If we're looking for it, we'll never see it if we're not looking for the want, become very mired and the don't want. And so this is a very important emotional weightlifting skill that takes a lot of practice and focus. And so I hope that today's episode has got you thinking along that line, focusing on the want and allowing the don't want to be the contrast that's needed to see it. Like, if I don't want this, what do I want? It helps us then step back into working through that resistance piece that is otherwise going to stop you. It is going to create more of what it is you don't want. And that's why I say we figure it out as we go, not before we get started. Because as we bump into these deep places of resistance, I encourage you to see them as opportunities and not places to stop or. Or to doubt that you can't have what it is you want. That's not the case. It's that there's something for me here to learn and understand about myself. And there's something here for me to see that I need to pursue as I want about who I want to become and how it is I want to create, move forward. And those are really important principles. As we dance with don't want, do want in our work. It's a huge piece of what it is we do here in the work that we do with couples. And on that note, then if by chance you right now are struggling with this concept of being able to see through the don't want because you're in a place of great challenge in your relationship. I want to invite you to join us for 30 days to accomplish what we describe here today as being stuck in the mire of not being able to move forward with the want and pursue something productive. The Roadmap experience is truly a place of ongoing support and learning of new skills. And not only the learning of new skills, but the practice of those new skills. All while developing a personal sense of self confidence and self esteem. So you can check out all the details and join us by going to Love in Limbo Roadmap because this is what we're about. Our body of work here at Stacey Bartley is all about helping you glean the glitter out of a mess and that there always is a want there that's available to be pursued. But often what thwarts us is we just don't know where to look for it. And as we do, it helps us pursue the want as we push through the resistance to become the beautiful human being. Things that you already are to envelop the emotional capacity, resilience and strength that you need in order to become masters at love. I mean, come on, let's face it, love and relationships, well, that's the super bowl or the Olympics of emotion. That's the most emotional experience you're ever going to have as a human being. And yet we step into it thinking we should just have it right. Based on what? Where do you go to an emotional weightlifting gym in order to develop the ability to do such things? Well, hopefully you'll come over here and let us help you do that. Just that. I created the Follow the Fun today around of course, our topic, because this is a very important topic that I'm extremely passionate about.

Couldn't tell.

Well, it changed my life years ago when I realized this very simple principle, right? It was kind of like this. What? Wow. Okay. That's so life giving. And it's so simple. Yeah, it is. And then you need to do what it is you say you want to do, right? That's where the rubber meets the road. So today's Follow the Fun. I lovingly call let that shit go and focus on the good.

There you go.

And here's the thing, what I'm going to invite you to do right now is what is something you can reach for, ask for or pursue that would ease your emotional discomfort right now and is in line with the person you choose to be that's an important caveat there at the end because we can justify becoming a version of ourselves. It's not really all that special. When I think about things that will ease the emotional discomfort right now, and.

I'm asking you, can you give me some kind of a nick for us that aren't quite as artistic and creative as you?

What?

Give me an example there. Give me something to bite on.

Well, so if I'm feeling like I'm not getting enough attention or I want to be cuddled more or I want more time, or I would. I'm really feeling disconnected and afraid about where we're going. Okay, okay. What is something right now that you could reach for, ask for or pursue that would ease your emotional discomfort right now and be in line with the person that you want to be? How do you want to be known, first of all? Oh, kind, thoughtful, respectful, considerate, loving. Right. Okay, well, what is something I can pursue along those lines and as a want that would help me create more of that and it's probably going to lead you to giving something that you want. Well, I'm going to make you a dinner tonight. I'm going to tell you how much I love you and I'm going to acknowledge you, or I'm going to acknowledge myself, or I'm going to take myself on a special little date or I'm going to go hang out with that person in my life that always makes me feel really good about who I am and that that lifts up my spirits. Right. Those are things that I can pursue right now and be in line with the person that I want to be in my life. And I'm going to encourage you to do that right now. Like let that you're probably obsessing about go right now that don't want peace and instead do this focus on the good stuff, which is what is possible right now. Instead, amongst the challenge and the mire of things that are playing out in my life right now, what's something I can do that will help me feel just a little bit better? And you haven't noticed already? I mean, that's what Follow the Fun is all about. It's about that principle right there that regardless of the challenges that we may be going through, there's always a place and a space where I can go and have a little fun. That's what it's about. And you could do that right now, today, by letting that go and focusing on something good. And each week, of course, we choose a song, a thong. Well, that could be part of all of the fun, right? A thong. But I'm going to talk about a song right now. I have chosen the song that you probably have never heard of because this song comes from a private house party by a gentleman named Roman. I loved the song and Roman, you're welcome. You're the showcase and the highlight of our podcast and our song today. And you know what, appropriately titled his song is called Let that Go and it's such a precious little gem and the video is adorable and YouTube, so look it up, Roman. Let that go. You can listen to this week's song along with our entire relationship playlist by going to our website podcast page or you can find it on Spotify at Love Shack Live playlist. I think it's a wrap. And I hope that this episode helps you take true advantage of not just this idea in January about creating things and recognizing your potential and your possibility, but recognizing that every single day of the year can be an opportunity for a do want that it is an opportunity for a do over if we'll just consistently reach for and let the don't want be a highlight for helping us see and showcasing what it is we do want want. And may we all make an effort and an intention this year focusing more on the want and not the don't want.

Yeah. And if you're listening live, you've got time to join us. Our next roadmap starts January 14, so there is time if you're listening live, and if not, don't worry because we've got them scheduled. Stacy and I and Brooke did all of our scheduling throughout the year. I think we're doing six of them. But don't wait. If there's anything that we could impress upon you is please don't wait. Step in now. It's going to be an awesome experience.

Okay, that's it for now. Bye Bye.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.