#161: The Cost of Waiting: The Hidden Impact of Ignoring Relationship Issues

Have you ever found yourself in the quiet aftermath of a heartfelt plea from your partner saying, I need some space? It's a moment that often comes after we've waited too long, ignored the subtle signs and pushed our issues aside. Suddenly we find ourselves standing at the crossroads, wondering what happens next and what to do. Welcome to Love Shack Live. It's a sanctuary for those navigating the complexities of relationships at crossroads. I'm Stacy Bartley along with my co host and lover Tom and our daughter Brooke. And we're here to guide you through the maze of emotions and conflicts, helping you rebuild a bond that's genuine and lasting. In today's episode, we delve into a crucial question as couples. Why do we often delay addressing our relationship issues? And how does this hesitation often lead us to a place where one or both of us need space? It's a journey through the human heart's unspoken needs and silent cries for attention that we very often overlook. Join us today as we explore the challenges of understanding and reflecting the need for space, while also recognizing the importance of not waiting too long to nurture and heal our relationships. I'm going to also introduce you to our love and limbo 30 day roadmap. It starts on January 14th. This program is your guide to navigating these trying times, offering steps to bridge the emotional gaps and provide you with what you need to reconnect more deeply with yourself and your partner. It's a connection that is more intimate than ever before. So let's embark on this heartfelt journey together as we face the truth behind the silence, embrace the space and ultimately rekindle the flame of your love once again.

Hi.

Thank you for coming.

Welcome to the Love Shack.

So I want to start with the question, why do we delay addressing relationship issues? And not only that, but underestimate the consequences of doing so. Relationship challenges as we start this conversation, I just want to point out and answer the question are inevitable for all of us. It's how we handle them that that makes a huge difference in our outcomes. Because here's a reality. Fears and insecurities come up and the more I care, they're going to come up stronger and bigger and better than ever. And we sometimes don't even realize that they were going to come up in order for me to need to wrestle with them. What happens is traumas also from our past, the thing I call do overs for healing can pop up at any point in time in our lives and inevitably will. It can happen when we're having sex, when we become Parents, when we buy a home, we pursue a career, we age and we climb that ladder unknowingly or we retire. These are significant points that are pivotal in the life's journey as a couple. And sometimes it throws off things, emotions inside of us, thoughts, feelings and behavior that we didn't even realize was there, which throws us into this place of creating a bit of challenging emotional ups and downs in our relationships. If inevitable that in every couple's history, we're going to find ourselves in some of the places I just pointed to. Again, I ask you the question, why do we delay addressing relational issues as well as underestimate the consequences of doing so, especially when we know it's going to be an inevitable experience for all of us? It can happen in the beginning, it can happen in the middle, it can happen in the end, and it can happen all the way through. Why don't we address them?

I would say just thinking off the top of my head, I think most of us go, as soon as there's issues, then there's a problem, meaning we must not be meant to be together. I think that's kind of the general societal narrative.

I think another thing we do is, I think in the beginning, we do what dad said, where if we've only been together for a short period of time and we reach an issue, we think, oh, I guess this isn't my person. I think that's more prevalent. But as we get deeper and deeper into our relationship, when we're together for years and years and years, we feel more comfortable putting our relationship problems to the bottom of the stack, so to speak, of priority list. Because, number one, we think, oh, they're going to be there for me no matter what. Number two, we think that the other things that are weighing on us, like the grocery list or the running our kids to their appointments or getting our Christmas shopping done, are more important. Even though that's not true, it's a fallacy in our think. And we just think that no matter what, we're gonna have more time to figure these things out and we're gonna be able to get to them. But most of the time we never do. And it gets to the point where one or both partners says, if we don't take a minute and figure this out, there's gonna be nothing left between the two of us.

Yeah, a very common one. It's interesting. We choose to live in the illusions of and the hope of that things are gonna be okay. Common things that show up in our practice is we're just going Through a bad time. And once we get through this, we'll be fine. So we're just going to get through this moment in time and then we'll be fine. Or once we acquire or attain this. That's the reason for all of my challenges, whether that's being the kids are out of the house, we increase our revenue, or you get this new job.

Get this new business going.

Yes, yes, yes. Then finally, not only will everything work out, but I'll have more time, effort, and energy to put into my relationship. And I swear, I promise I'll do it then. This type of thinking, or this saying always takes me back to when I was a young girl on the couch growing up at my house, and I was watching cartoons, and my mom had given me a list, and not even a difficult list, but just a list that I didn't want to take care of or I didn't want to address or look at. And I kept saying, okay, mom, you know, I promise I'll take care of it after this cartoon. And then it turned into 10 cartoons later. Okay, Mom, I swear I'll do it right after I do the shower. And I got to brush my teeth and I need to go. I gotta see my friend. Mark and I are gonna meet at the back fence. I swear. I swear. And how it is that we continue to just reach for this place of illusion instead of addressing it. And that may be a poor example when we're talking about relationships overall, but the. The journey within us, that conversation can happen internally in so many ways, especially when it comes to our relationships. And we can do what I call chasing the elusive carrot. I know that there are things I need to do or address or take care of or that aren't working or emotions awkward and uncomfortable and they keep coming up. But I swear I'll address it someday. I'll get to it someday. I just don't have the time right now. I just don't have the energy right now. I just don't have the bandwidth. I just don't. I have the money. And the excuses play out. And then we give ourselves these places of false hope. And that's why I say, okay. And that's a big reason why we're doing this episode, is what are the consequences of doing this? Just like the consequences of what I was sharing just as a young person. The relationship with my mom gets sacrifice. Experience in the house spirals, and I'm upset and she's upset, and then I feel terrible about myself. And then to justify my behavior, I say terrible. Things, and so does she. And so there's consequences of these things. In spite of the illusions that sometimes we insist on living in and that chasing the elusive carrot can last a lifetime for us, when I do this or when we get through this, then finally we'll be able to focus on us without realizing the consequences of such. And so some of the examples of what happens in relationships when they're ignored. I wanted to share a few stories with you of some of our clients, of course, anonymously, out of respect for their situation. However, I can give you a handful of clients who have waited too long and some of the situations that occur because of them. And the first one that comes to mind is a couple that has a beautiful family and have been together 30 plus years. And there was so much mental health breakdown and there was so much acting out, there was so much jealousy and fear and concern that had brewed over those 30 years that they ended up taking it out on their children and they weren't able to show up for their children. And then they'd coped and their finances took a hit and they had a wonderful investment and a wonderful place where they could retire without a lot of worries. And they ended up cashing it all in and blowing through it in an effort to cope, each individually, in their own way. And so the consequences of not addressing the core issue between them ended up having devastating results across, not just between them as a couple, but across their family and their financial foundation. And that's always been the interesting thing for me. I remember the day personally where the light bulb went off when I realized in my own work and in my own life that relationships were at the heart of life. And yet it is the thing that we always kick to the side thinking that we're going to pursue the health and the wealth of myself and others, in spite of addressing the relational issues that are asking for attention. And yet it's the foundation that everything else resides on and that if it goes sideways, so does my finances, so does my health and mental health, so does my family, so does my business, so does everything thing that I hold dear. And we would discover that was kind of like the reality sets in and that elusive bubble gets popped when I start to realize, oh my gosh, because I have not focused on the relationship and I have neglected it to such a degree, both the one with myself and my one with others, everything else now is held in the balance. And. And that's part, I think, of what's so terrifying when we find ourselves in these places of space. Is the reality of living in that illus comes to light. What does this mean about me? What does this mean about us? What does this mean about the kids? What does this mean about our finances? What does this mean about our living situation? What does this mean about my future? In totality, it all is hanging in the balance.

I want to just create a little disclaimer that if any of these things that we're saying are making you be like, oh, my God, I'm doing this right now. We're not pointing them out to make you feel bad or to make you think, oh, I'm a terrible person because I've neglected my relationship. Relationship. We're doing this because it's such a common thing. All three of us have done it many times in our lives where we realize that we've neglected the problems that were happening and we've pushed it to the bottom of the stack simply because we didn't know how to navigate it. We didn't have the emotional capacity, or we were just in denial. It's a very human thing. It's a human thing to do. So we're not creating this episode to make you feel guilty or, you know, go into a terrible downward spiral about yourself. We're doing it to bring awareness so that you can stop doing it.

I think that's a very important thing to say because we will continue in these illusions just like I did as Brooke pointed out, or Tom did, or Brooke did, quite frankly. And the majority of our clients who finally come to work with us do. And that's just because we don't know what else to do. And we don't have this awareness that we're trying to impart to you of the consequences of it. So it's very easy for us to buy into the elusive quality that we're going to be okay because. And just go ahead and insert anything in there. And that is us being able to rationalize our current situation and let it go. And quite frankly, as human beings, thank goodness we have the ability to do that, to cope with difficulty when we don't know what to do. That the elusive desire to heal, to go forward, to buy time so that inevitably, when the awareness does kick in, we can address it as a beautiful quality that keeps us living through a lot of difficulty and ups and downs in our lives. So I just want to give a shout out to that ability. We all have to be sometimes rationalizing and in denial. I just want you to understand it's a very important survival mechanism that we have inside of our Brains.

And I also think that for this part of our life, for some reason I'm not sure why, there seems, it seems to be held in a different bucket, so to speak. If we need help in other areas of our life, it's pretty well accepted and there's not too much so called stigma. I mean, helping your professional life, help with your business, help with your physicality, help with your diet, help with your medical, you know, but yet when it comes to our relationship and our marriage, that's like, oh no, the only people that have got really big problems that are really messed up, that's the only ones that do that. And I think that's interesting. Where does that come from? Especially if we know all the 99% of them anyway, the end of life stories we hear, where does all the regret lie? It's relational regret. So if that's the case, then I think we need to get busy now getting better at love.

When did all of us go to school for relationships? Because I don't remember doing that. So why do we judge ourselves so harshly for something we've never been formally trained to do?

You know, there's the illusion again that I'm just supposed to be good at this. And if it doesn't work and we have difficulty, there's something wrong with me or there's something wrong with my partner. And we got to get to the bottom of who it is and what it is right now so that we can decide what we're going to do and go. Sometimes that is the case, but very rarely is that the case. It's more often that I just don't understand what to do. I might even see what's not working. But unless I know what to do instead, I'm probably going to continue to do what I know to do because I don't know what else to do. And that puts us in a quandary of believing terrible things about ourselves and about our partners and about our situation, when really the pain is an opportunity for us to address something, something. And there's good things in there for me to discover about what works and what doesn't work for me and for us and for our family. And just think about it, if I don't dive into it, then I'm never going to discover what that is. And so the solution, the true solution, will continue to elude me as I continue to rationalize and justify it. And I just want you to know this is a universal playing field. The principle that I just, just shared is universal. We all have to do what I just described. And when we don't, it's fair to say that situations and circumstances will escalate. And that's true for all of us. It's like wanting to be healthy but not wanting to do the work to obtain it. And that's a universal principle as well. Certain principles govern my wellness physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. And when I adhere to the principles, I get the reward of doing so. And when I. I don't, I don't, regardless of how I rationalize or justify those types of things. And like Brooke shared, we don't really even understand what the principles of relationships are, so how in the world can we be successful with it? So majority of us do our best with what we know. And there's another limitation I want to point out. We do what we know and we don't know what we don't know. So we're kind of limited in our experience. Until I learn and I grow and I expand to do better, better to understand more. And so in our body of work here, if you're a podcast listener or new to the show, thank you so much for joining us. The three of us are very committed to doing a lot of teaching and skill building for this reason, like that is at the heart of what we do, because it's so significantly important. We want this to be a place of repose where you can come and learn the skills that are necessary in order to become better. And not just better, but masterful at the skills of relationship. And then, and even then, we're going to have the inevitable challenges that are going to put our skills to use. It's only a matter of time if it's not a daily practice. The thing that I'm wanting to highlight here at this moment in the conversation, however, is there is breakdown. There will be breakdown. And that is also principle. Just as if I didn't take care of my financial health and wellbeing and my mental emotional health and wellbeing, there will be breakdown there. And I think sometimes we don't think about that being the case as I'm putting off addressing something or connecting with you later, or making it up that some kind of a financial gain or physical purchase or product is going to take us to the promised land. It will indeed take you to a moment of feeling good, yeah, when you get that dopamine hit. But the structure and foundation of yourself and your life can never be offset by something such as that. And so the breakdown that you can anticipate over time will be breakdown of our health Breakdown of our mental health, substance abuse is very common in these places. More and more interests we start to stack outside of the relationship in order to cope. And even, dare I say, emotional and physical affairs are coming from this place of coping. So things become more and more volatile, raw and unstable until we have what I call a catalytic event. It's inevitable. And this catalytic event is the thing that causes us to go, okay fine, I'll address it. And that's a good thing, that's not a bad thing. I just want to propose the idea though that we don't have to wait for the catalytic event to raise our hand, which is again the purpose of this episode, that I could be a little more proactive when I know I'm in a tremendous amount of pain and breakdown, either personally or relationally or my partner. Is that, that would be a really good time to raise your hand and say, okay, I gotta get some help and support with this. Just as I would if I was falling apart and dealing with some physical or health challenges, physically or mentally, I would do the same thing.

I have a question. What if you know that the relationship needs help but your partner is very against it?

Well, the good news about relationships is it's a co creation and so if one person addresses the on their own independently, it's not a violation of the relationship. Oh sure, you could be accused of that. But when you know that your intent is to actually improve the experience for the whole, that is a good intent. And you and you alone can affect massive change because you're going to show up differently in the relationship. You're going to be able to navigate things instead of continue to spike the escalation of what, what's not working as you're playing into it. And I think that's really important to note.

Yeah, I could not agree more. Excuse me. Stacking on what Brooke shared and that's something I think that for us as a family to body work that is sometimes different. Whereby if you work with couples, husbands, wives, significant others and they're both not ready to start at the same time. Sometimes some professionals, they don't. They want both people to be present. And we're very different because to be quite frank, it doesn't usually happen where both people raise their hand hand at the same time. It's more often what Brooke described. And then what that usually causes is everybody waits and we say don't underestimate the power. Stacy just shared that one person can be and should be the leader of the situation, leader of the relationship, and can be a tremendous catalyst for improvement. There's no question, we see it happen all the time.

And please feel like a failure because you're going through a catalytic moment. You're not a failure. The catalytic moment is just happening because we didn't know what else to do. And it took it to a place where it is going to inevitably get your attention. It is literally a moment that we are forced by the forces that be to address, let go of some of our non working behavior patterns in the relationship that quite frankly when we look at them have been a source of slow breakdown for a long period of time for ourselves, our family and our, and us as a couple. And so we can embrace them as, as a, as a good thing because it's finally the thing that's going to get our attention and cause us to go in a different direction. And sometimes it takes that for us to muster up the willingness to do that. So please don't feel like a failure. If by chance you know that you're approaching that or you find yourself there looking for answers, that's a good thing. It was inevitable, yes, but it was a good thing because it's finally the moment we'll go, okay, fine, I'll do it. And going back to us as human beings, we typically do wait until we are forced to address things. The example I gave in the opening of the conversation is I finally got grounded for that. And so the next time, guess what? I was a little more reticent to go, okay, okay, okay. There's consequences for the niceties that my mother continued to extend to me throughout the day. And that's what catalytic events are. Is there those moments where I go, oh, okay, I see now I don't want to take it to that point. It's time for me to make some changes. And we could say that with a health diagnosis, we could say that we with financial places of hardship was finally like, I got to pull it together right now. Those are the moments for us as human beings where we'll finally go, okay, I'm ready to take and do what it is I need to do right now to address this thing. It's usually from a place, when you think about it, of intense challenge and pain. That is our motivator, our greatest motivator as a human.

I was going to say just really quickly, if you find yourself in a place where you are the person who is raising your hand and knows that it's time to get help, you don't have to when you're communicating with your partner and they're like, no, I don't want to get help. And you say, yes, I still want to. A way that you can approach that conversation is I just feel inspired to give a little bit of communication coaching at the moment is you can say, well, that's okay. I totally respect your decision. And I'm going to make an appointment with someone so I can figure out my own stuff. And if you say it in that way, rather than being really angry that they don't want to go with you or sad that they don't want to go with you, it can remove all the, like, shit that usually makes things so much more complicated than they need to be. And also it will remove the threatening feeling that your partner will feel like you're just going to talk behind their back, because that's really not what you're doing anyways. It's. It is to figure out your own stuff. So if you frame it in that way, it can remove the emotional charge that usually comes with it. It.

And if we don't use the communication tactic that Brooke just used, we are going to get ourselves into a place where we are threatening. We are criticizing and teaching and preaching in our efforts to try and improve things. So, as I say, often the intent and the sweetheart message is spectacular. It's the approach that we need to think about. The desire that you have for doing those things is so good. Good. And the way I need to go about it is by addressing it first, by myself, if somebody is not willing to go. Because doing the other things is just going to continue us in that pattern of breakdown that we're pointing to. The breakdown or the experiences of living in illusion and justifying our situation and our circumstances is summed up beautifully in a quote that goes like this. For a long time, it seemed to me that life was about to begin. I mean, real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time to still be served, a debt to be paid. And then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. And I just think that is how it plays out for us. These obstacles are your life. And these obstacles are places that we need to face. Because what lays on the other side is the expansion of you, the expansion and opportunity, opportunity that you say you want. Whether that's a thriving relationship or some kind of a journey that you want to embark on, to expand and become who you have the capacity to be, it is going to lie always on the other side of your life, which is going to come in the form of obstacles, the pain. That's just the intensity of the rising of motivation, shall we say, or courage to finally dive in and do what it is I need to do. And so the importance of investing in relationships, I can't emphasize enough the value of putting effort into relationships. We must, if we desire them to thrive. And last, I hope that in our conversation today that you can see that relationship work is an investment in your long term happiness and well being. And on that note, I just want to share with you some testimonies of some wonderful stories that we have had the privilege and honor of being a part of. And I may need some help from my teamsters here, maybe the one sitting next to me, Tom. Because when I read these, it always makes me cry. And I'm not trying to cry. I don't want to take anything away from the show, but it's because I'm so proud. I'm so proud. As I say, we get to teach and, and mentor and encourage and yes, support and cheer you on. But the credit always goes to those who submit those testimonials because those souls are the ones who did the work. And so the credit always goes to them, which makes me teary. I'm just so proud of each and every one of them. So I'm gonna let you read the first one, babe, so that I can re gather me myself, me myself. And then we'll talk about each one if we feel inspired to do so.

Okay. I wanted to thank you so much for all that you have done and continue to do for my husband and I. This communication stuff is awesome. Awesome. The talk we just had wouldn't have gone smoothly if we hadn't learned those techniques and skills from you. So let me just tell you, you are the freaking bomb, girl. We appreciate you so much. The next one is I just wanted to drop you a quick text and let you know how amazing you are and how grateful I am for you and all your help. I feel like I'm able to have a healthy relationship with myself and others because of our work together. There's another one major breakthrough. Instead of retreating from him, I let him him hold me while I cried. And then we loved each other. This is so so's in all caps. Different than what I normally do. But pain says do something different. Stupid, right? Our work together has taught me how to get comfortable with standing up for myself more. You've helped us so much. Thank you isn't enough. Another one is. You have really helped my partner and I. On our journey together, I thought we were totally done. I'm amazed that by looking deep into myself, a lot of what I was struggling with was my own. My own stuff. It's very humbling to say. It's very humbling to say the least. I thank you so much and I'm.

Grateful to say we could have gone on and on and on. And a shout out to all of those who have submitted these. I so appreciate and acknowledge you for the work and effort and practice that you have put into your relationship. And you can see that they reap the results as a result of doing so. So there is no shortcut here. Here I encourage you to prioritize your relationships and not wait until issues become severe. Remember, we figure life out as we go, not before we get started.

And I would just add, if you listen to those testamentals that I just shared, think about the differences that were cited. So in my clarity calls, I always share with people. In our body of work, in our world, behavior is the gold standard, right? Because let's be honest, if we don't, we don't show up in a more empowered manner, maybe behaving in a way that we haven't been before. Not just. Not because anybody's fault because we didn't know how. But all of those testimonials, you correct me if I'm wrong, all had very significant differences in these people's behavior. And let's be honest, changing our behavior is frickin hard. It is. That's why it often takes support and help and teaching and mentoring. No different than becoming more muscular or becoming more skilled at anything that we do do. It's hard and it takes some intention, significant intention and strategy and synergy with potentially working with others that you relate to to do so. But I think it's really important because we. Stacy is passionate, as Brooke and I are, to help people change their behavior and how they're showing up in a relationship. I always ask people, think about how infrequently any of us encounter people that are showing up in a more empowered manner. Everyone says, oh yeah, not very often says exactly. That's why when you do, it always gets noticed.

Well, and let's be honest, that's the only way to save your relationship. There is no other way. That's it. If you want to know the secret, you got to change your behavior. But that's hard to do just magically on your own. You typically need someone to coach you or mentor you and guide you to be able to do that.

And to potentially hold you accountable as well. Well, there's nothing wrong with being accountable. And sometimes we need accountability partners.

We do well.

And here's the kicker. We've already said it, but I think it warrants, in this moment, saying it again. To change my behavior, I need to have two parts. I need to know what not to do, which most of us are pretty familiar with. We have that pointed out probably on the daily if we've not kicked our own fanny for it. We've got people around us, I. E. A lover, a partner that's helping me out with that part and people piece. But the kicker is I don't know what to do instead. I don't know what to do differently. I don't know how to handle it. I. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to show up differently. This is what you got. And we can even use that as a defense mechanism. That's just who I am. It's just my personality. Get over it without realizing. I need the part of. I need somebody to teach and mentor me through doing what I do instead. And then I can be successful in changing my behavior. And not a micro moment, no, not a moment before. And so we need those two parts. And that's why banging on somebody, blaming somebody, threatening somebody, cornering somebody will never take you to the promised land. You're missing the other part. And so as much as we do that and will do that and have done that, that's why it will never work. There's a part that's missing. They even. And we can all relate to this. As a human being, I'm motivated to change my behavior. I really want to do it, but I don't know what to do. And so even the best intentions from that place will go thwarted if I don't have that missing part and piece there. I want you to know this. I want you to know there is no problem too big to solve. It's the waiting that ultimately costs us because we simply run out of emotional gas.

Gas.

When I run out of emotional gas. We've talked about this on several episodes in our podcast. That is a critical issue because no longer, when I run out of emotional gas, am I going to have the emotional capacity to do what we just described. It's a place where I have to take a moment of rest and repose. It's a place where I throw my arms up in the air and I'm overwhelmed and I can't deal with it, let alone manage it anymore. I have run myself Out. And so I just want to leave you with that thought here for today's episode. Is that is the greatest risk, our relationships, not that there aren't solutions and skills and behavior changes to be had. It's because we wait too long and we run out of emotional gas.

And therein lies, I think the, the disconnect between when we said at the top of the show that. That we don't understand the consequences when we wait. And I often ask people, is there any indecisiveness in any of us if we didn't put more gas in our automobile gas tank, that it for sure would stop? And everyone says, oh, yeah. I say, well, the same thing is true for us in our relationships. Meaning if we act like or behave like we have an unlimited Runway in our emotional gas tank without any new deposits going in, there's no way.

Right.

And don't we all usually hear. And I know I've said this repetitively on the show, but I think it's important. Think about it. And everyone says yes to this question. Don't we all hear some version of when we hear people in our circle of influence that don't choose to stay together anymore? What do they say? I just can't do this anymore, which means I've run out of emotional gas. It's the classic statement that we hear. And everyone says, oh, yeah, I guess so. Gosh, I'm sorry, you know.

Yeah.

No one would expect us to or how could we, right? Just like no different than if we. Well, you ran out of gas, you had to put more gas in your gas tank and you forgot. So, yeah, of course you stopped. I mean, it's really that matter of fact when we can objectively look at it.

Yeah. So what to do next? Well, we have an opportunity for you that we want you to consider. That we invite you to consider. And that is our love and limbo. 30 day roadmap. So if you're wondering where to begin and where you could potentially put a toe in the water and really move the needle for yourself personally right now, we invite you to join us for. For the 30 day roadmap. It begins on the 14th, and we're here to help and support you with what it is you need right now to move forward. The roadmap experience. It's a place of ongoing support where you're going to learn new skills. And not only are you going to learn new skills, you're going to practice those skills so that we have that two component part of changing our behavior, all while delving into the personal sense of clarity that needs to be had by you you. So many times we make decisions that affect the rest of our lives without having the clarity within us nor the confidence and self esteem to make those decisions with some clarity. We spend a lot of time in the Roadmap helping you gain clarity, essentially translating your own thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that first you can understand and then embrace. And guess what? That's where self confidence and self esteem comes from. Now you're in a position to decide how it is you want to go forward and evaluate what's working and not working in your relationship with someone else. Until we have that critical first piece, it's very difficult to make sense of any of it. It's kind of like finding the you are here on the roadmap of life. And until I do that, any direction I potentially may choose may or may not work for me, but the crazy making is is I'll never know because I never found where I am first. So you can check out all the details here for the Roadmap by going to love in limboroadmap.com and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to reach out to us. In fact, Tom will even get on the phone with you and answer all your questions on a Clarity call if you want to explore more of what's available here and or how it works, or get the some answers in regards to how the program is laid out, etc. Anything anybody wants to add there?

Yeah, we actually had a question on Instagram that someone asked if they would if I would share my story of Jack and me coming back together after a lot of years of what one could call space. Someone said, did Brooke ever share her story? And I never have. So much. Since our podcast is a little bit short today, I thought I could share a summary of that. So thank you to whoever submitted the question. That's the first time a question has ever been asked of me, so I was like, wow, it feels kind of fancy.

Brooke's getting famous.

It's a very long story, but long story short, I met Jack when I was 18 online and we met through a dashboard confessional fan group group. Not sure if the person asked if they know that band, but it's a it was a weird story. I met his friend in the fan group and then we were chatting on AOL Instant Messenger. His friend was named Tommy. So me and Tommy were chatting. Tommy had a crush on me. I didn't really have a crush on him back, but we were Friends. And then one day Jack came over and was like, tommy, who are you talking to? He's like, oh, this girl named Brooke from, from California. And he said, move over, let me talk to her. So then Jack started chatting to me on AOL Instant messenger and I fell in love with him. Like the first sentence he typed to me, it was just like, I just felt it. Wow, this is my dream husband. And he just swept me off my feet. I was 18 though, so very young. And we just started this amazing love affair over AOL Instant Messenger. We didn't even know what each other looked like. We just really had a connection and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. He flew to California twice to meet me and in person. And it was like electric between the two of us. It was just everything that I had ever dreamed of in a relationship. But also I was a teenager and I had no clue what the hell I was doing. And I was, I became a psycho stalker whenever he would go back to Virginia. That's where he lived, that's where I live now. And it was too much for him. I was too much. I think I would have been too much for anybody at that point. I'm not putting myself down. I'm aware that I didn't have the tools and skills to self soothe. Self soothe, exactly. So everything that I was doing was dependent on him for like, reassurance and letting me know that he still loved me and that everything was okay. And that's a lot to ask of a person. And I think a lot of young people experience that in their first relationships. So needless to say, it ended very poorly. I couldn't understand why he wanted to break up with me because we had the best relationship that anyone had ever had. But the truth came out many years later, actually, in 2016, when I was 30. So there was 12 years between when I actually learned the truth. It was that his dad was ill, his dad had diabetes and he knew that he wouldn't be able to leave Virginia because he needed to help his mom take care of his dad. And he didn't want me, an 18 year old girl, to not have the future that she had planned by coming to a small town in Virginia. He wanted me to spread my wings and fly and have the troops, you know, potential that I could have. So he was protecting me. He knew that if he said that, I wouldn't listen and I would say, no, I just want to come live with you anyways, because I was so head over heels in love with him. And he knew there was no Other way, I was really mad, and I never really got over it. So I got married to somebody else, and I was with him for 10 years, and then we got a divorce. And long story short, it was is Jack came back into my life randomly when we were getting a divorce. And things just picked off, picked up where we left off. Obviously, I was much older than I was 30, and I had a lot more life experience under my belt. So I was much more emotionally mature and less anxious, but still anxious, but more stable, just more stable in myself. So it took me a long time to be able to garner those skills. I needed more life experience. I needed more relationship experience. I needed to learn what I really wanted and what I didn't want. And all of those things happened. And I wouldn't have imagined that I would have needed to marry somebody else and go through a very kind of traumatic relationship with somebody else to learn those things. But I think sometimes that's just what life throws at you. And I also never imagined that I would end up with Jack in the end because of the way that things ended between us. And I thought I could never forgive him for doing that to me. But learning the whole story and all the pieces that I was missing and I didn't have information about, I was able to lay it all out and understand my behavior and his behavior so much better. And it just wiped the slate clean. And we were able to restart. And I'm not saying that it wasn't very bumpy at the beginning, because it was. But the relationship that I have with him now is a relationship that I wouldn't have been able to have with him if we stayed together when I was 18. So even though we missed a lot of years, and now I'm 37 and we still don't have kids because I'm having fertility issues. And, you know, there's a lot of things that I wouldn't choose. I still am so thankful that it happened the way that it did, because we would have gotten divorced if we got married when I was young, because I still needed to gain all the experience and the best bad experiences and the good experiences and the lessons that I learned to be at the point where I am now.

I think sometimes we forget that we get better at relationships by doing them.

Yep.

And that it usually takes us some tries to. To get good at them.

Yeah. And whether, like, I feel like my story could be like, oh, God, that's frustrating. But also, on the other hand, it can give you hope because if you're meant to be with the person, then maybe you will be. Because seriously, if someone would have bet me a dollars that I would end up with Jack, I would have said, you. You are out of your mind. Because I just didn't think it was possible because I was married to somebody.

Else, you know, I know somebody else who has a story like that.

Yeah, I was just gonna say started as if.

Thank goodness it only took you 12. It took dad and I like 32. 32. That's a story we'll say for another time. I know it's been mentioned in some of our previous. Previous episodes. If that's something that's of interest to you, they're there. We won't share that one right now. But.

But it is interesting that our stories are pretty similar, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dad and I have often laughed. What if we'd have come together earlier in our lives and had children together and I don't know, it could have been interesting, like you said, some time and some challenges and some things to kind of motivate us through those difficulties. Remember, the pain is just asking for our attention, and it's asking for us to look and see what it is we want to do differently that will help us go in the direction that we have the capacity to be. And I think sometimes that's an easier way to look at the emotional pain that is part of being a human being. Like, what's not working? That's the distinction that we have. And as we step into those places and go through some of those challenges, we literally expand and change and grow. Just as you so eloquently shared in your story, bro. Broken.

But I. But I think, mom, too, that a lot of times when we're in place of emotional pain, specifically having to do with relationships, we don't do that. We just think, why is this happening to me? Or why is this happening to me? I can't believe this is happening to me. This hurts so bad. I'm never going to feel this way again. We go to those places because that's natural. But if we would allow ourselves to think about what is this telling me, I think it would actually alleviate some of the pain and the torture that we're going through so that we could glean the lesson a little bit earlier, you know? Well, I know it's easier said than done.

As one client recently said to me, Stace, she going through a very difficult time and her and her husband are going to divorce and create a loving release. And she said with tears in her eyes, stace, will I Ever find love again? Will I ever be in love again? And I said, absolutely. I promise you, you will. As long as you commit and promise to yourself that you'll pursue it, you absolutely will. Just as you believe in your ability. She's gearing up for a marathon. Just as you believe in your ability before it happens, to finish the race. And sometimes we forget that, like that. Power lays in your hands regardless of what your relationship challenges are in this moment. You have the power to say, I don't know how and I don't know when, but I will pursue this until I find love again. And I want to just remind you, love is an expansive quality. There is plenty to go around. And as a human being, we have the capacity to love many people very deeply. Otherwise, we wouldn't have the ability to not only love ourselves, but love somebody else. Love our children, love our parents, love our friends, and yet love our lover or lovers, if that's the case for you. So that's the human capacity that we have, and we all get to decide how far we want to work with it and how far we want to take it. That is an individual choice and a place of clarity that we need to all find within us. That's the work that only we can do. So with all of that, I leave you with a song that I think encapsulates this conversation. Conversation beautifully. Gregory Porter, he has a song called Insanity.

Oh, boy.

And insanity is exactly the crazy making that we can make in these places. When we're living an illusion, when we're kicking the can down the road, when we're putting it off, when we wait and we're in that place of breakdown. There's a lot of insanity that happens within us and around us. And I love what he says on his song, Bring your love back to me. Stop this insanity before we go too far. That's kind of our message today. Like, stop the insanity and don't go too far. Get help and support now, if it's not with us, then somewhere. But please don't wait. Because what awaits you then is that default option, that catalytic event that. That moment where the pain will continue to increase in an effort to get your attention until you go, okay, fine, I'll address this. I'll do it. And so that's the insanity part. It doesn't have to go like that. You could do that now. You could do that today. And I promise you, as you start to face it, yeah, the journey may have its ups and downs, but you're going to feel so much better for doing so. You can listen to this week's song and our entire playlist by going to our podcast page on our staceybartley.com or you can also find it on Spotify by searching up Love Shack Live playlist. Well, that's a wrap for now. Thank you so much for being here with us. We so appreciate you. We've had some wonderful engagement with our podcast listeners. Thank you so much for letting us know how the podcast helps and influences your life and your relationships. It means so much to us and as I've said before today, the credit always goes to you, the person that's listening and then implementing what it is you're learning in your own life because you're the one doing the work. Thank you so much for allowing us to be a part of it. We look forward to seeing you back here next time on Love Shack Live. Bye bye for now. All right, it's time to leave the.

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