#162: Behind Closed Doors: A Divorce Mediator’s Secrets to Avoiding Relationship Breakdown

Have you ever wondered about the secret to a lasting, happy relationship? It often lies in the unnoticed details. I'm Stacy Bartley, a relationship expert and divorce mediator. And in today's episode of Love Shack Live, we're exploring the layers of what keeps love and connection strong. Together with my co host and lover, Tom and our daughter Brooke, we'll explore the essence of preventative maintenance in relationships. Just like we care for our cars, our finances, and our bodies, our relationships need regular attention to thrive. We're going to share stories and insights from my journey as a divorce mediator, uncovering the little things that matter most. Why do minor actions or their absence of have such a profound impact on our relationships? And how can we create a positive spiral of love and appreciation through our daily actions? So. So join me together as we delve into the patterns that lead to breakdowns and discover how to reinforce the bonds of love with simple yet powerful gestures. We're here to guide you through this journey, helping you rebuild a bond that's not just lasting, but genuinely fulfilling.

Hey. Thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

I need to reveal to you that I am also a divorce mediator. I do very little of that in my practice, but it was something that I actually embarked on to help me get good with conflict. It was a personal decision as I was trying to develop my skills as a relationship expert. And so I had the privilege and honor of studying under a wonderful woman here in Sacramento that taught me the art of divorce mediation. And I worked with her for two plus years with each and every case and couple. It taught me a lot about relationships. And if we were to start with the end in mind. And I learned case by case, couple by couple, what it was that ended up being the demise of their relationships, we start to see and understand that it's always the little things. And since then, in my passion to support the relationship journey, because I see that the relationship journey is at the heart of life and it is the foundation with which we build our lives on. And that if I have a good working acumen and mastery in relationships, it won't matter what other category I talk about in the journey of life, I'm going to have the skills and principles that I need in order to navigate it. Because in each and every one, I'm either navigating the relationship with myself or the relationship with others. This sent me on a journey of having the privilege and honor of studying and learning from some of the world's best. I've taken courses and yearly sessions with Esther Perel, I've been able to work with Lisa Forenza into certifying of a trauma certificate for helping people through their emotional traumas and sex credentials from Tammy Nelson and some too, that aren't so well known, but still make an incredible contribution in the world in which we live in, from Utah to San Diego to around the globe. I am so grateful that I have the passion that I do to continue to bring the information that we need in order to support our clients at the heart, at the core. Because I truly believe that if you focus on the relationship journey, the journey of life becomes very rich and very beautiful.

So I wanted also, I'd like to add, you probably could wear the badge of being Leo Buscaglia's number one fan.

Yes, that is absolutely true. Unfortunately, I learned from him through his books that he left after his passing on the plan. It. But that's so cute that you bring that up because it was actually dad, ironically, that introduced me to him and his work. And I ended up getting on a used bookstore and like, buying every copy of everything that I could find. And this is going to sound really silly, but I'm just going to be honest with our listeners. Right. Why not? I built a tent underneath my desk and I would crawl under there with my blankets and my pillows and I would pull out his books and it I couldn't digest them fast enough. Like, his words were something that I felt in my heart and I felt like it was a complete message that had been lost over time. And I thought, oh, this is it. This is what I believe. This is what I know to be true. This is so helpful. And I fell in love with him. So, yes, I truly do really respect and honor his work and his perspective and what he did and, and resonate very much with what he was about and the legacy that he's left behind for all of us to continue to learn from.

Truly a man who was before his time.

Yeah. So I want to start our conversation today on this concept of preventative maintenance, where we get to discuss the idea of what is preventative maintenance in relationships and what does that look like? We don't talk about relationships in this light. It's funny. We just kind of expect them to be there always and forever for us, especially when we've married or found our person or had these feelings in the beginning that told us that there was something really very special here. And we drill down on that experience and we do marry and have children and buy homes and have babies. Oh, we create all kinds of beautiful, wonderful things together. And then we can find ourselves years down the road wondering how it is we fell in love at all, or we have the pain and the remorse of why can't it be like that? Like, how did we get here? How did we travel from this thinking, I would never be in this place with you, to contemplating maybe the dissolving of our relationship and letting go of many of these beautiful things that we've created. And that brings us to this concept of prevent maintenance. It is these places where we have routine, care and understanding, where we know what makes our hearts tick and we know what makes our partner's heart tick. And now I'm just going to ask you, have you had those conversations with your partner and have you had them lately? Because oftentimes what we'll do is we'll have them in the very beginning of our relationship. But as the years go, we get more focused on the logistics of life and solving life's problems than we do about, hey, does this thing that, that you used to love still make you happy and make you feel the way that I know it once did? And here's some changes that have occurred for me. And you're probably thinking like, Stacy, you're talking nonsense like, absolutely not. We do not have that conversation. And it would be uncomfortable to do so. Well, have you ever thought that maybe that's the problem? Just that simple little thing? If we can't talk about what lights us up and what really works for us and our partner can't and feels awkward in doing so, what do you think, or would you assume is going to happen? We're probably going to create more disappointment, and we're probably going to get less and less and less of our emotional needs met, and we're probably going to understand ourselves and each other less and less and less. And so it's this idea that is a piece of preventative maintenance, of having the conversations of, I do this for you because I love you, is it still work or is there something else you would like me to do that makes you happy, that makes your heart sing, and here's what's going on for me, and if we both clam up because that's an uncomfortable conversation and we don't have the conversation, or the conversation starts to sound a lot like complaining or preaching or teaching, we're still not talking about those sweetheart messages that are just now not being had or not getting through. And I would say that's the biggest piece of preventative medicine that we have. And you're going to always find it in the little things that start to create the small disconnects. And it's those small disconnects that end up creating the major issues that we find ourselves in. So as these small disconnects continue to accumulate, this is when I start to have an addiction problem or a mental health breakdown or an emotional or physical affair. This is where I stop being intimate with you. So these are the result of these small, little things accumulated over time, create big things, big examples of problems in our relationship. So the little things are ever present in the early stages of relationship. So let's just travel back with me to the beginning of your relationship for a moment, and I want you to think of all the delights that you brought to your partner that created pleasure for them, all the places where you truly endeavored to seek to create joy for them in your daily life. And as you uncover these, they're not big things. They're very small things done consistently over time. And so as you think about these small things, are they still happening? Are you still doing them? Is your partner doing them for you? And I'm thinking right now, in my own relationship, you know, what are some of the simple things that my partner does or did that caused me to feel loved and valued? And I'm going to confess, I'm right along with you. I probably don't say thank you enough. I probably don't let it be known enough that these are the things that make me feel loved. But for the purpose of our conversation here today, I'm going to leap in with both feet and let Tom know, these are the things right now in our life and our relationship that make me feel valued. And it's gonna make me cry. I'm trying not to cry. I'm trying to be clear. You call me a princess, and you call me your prince, and that always makes me feel really special. You make my coffee and you set up my vitamins, and we need to talk about that one because you don't set my vitamins out anymore.

You haven't been taking them.

And you're willing to, in checking in with me about how can I help you, how can I support you? What do you need today? And you anticipate. And as much as it makes me upset sometimes because I'm wrestling with my own need to be independent. You like anticipating what I need. I see and understand, is really a thoughtful gesture. And I know sometimes I go, why you got to do that? It's just because I'm wrestling with my own need to be independent. And so I'M going to kick this around to the three of us because I think it's important. None of those are big. Not a damn one of them. And the most expensive feature on the menu here is my cup of coffee, which, which is a 20 cent, maybe filter and two scoops of coffee and whatever I have for my creamer. It's not at all expensive and it doesn't take a lot of time.

First of all, I want to say this episode was inspired by a video that I found on Tick Tock by a divorce attorney. And he was talking about the small little things that eventually lead to divorce. Sometimes people ask him, how do I stay out of your office? And he says, it's always the dumb little thing. So I was like, ding, ding, ding. We can definitely do a podcast on that because like Stacy said in the beginning, a lot of people know her as a relationship expert, but she really started out in the relationship part as a divorce mediator, so she really could reverse engineer how to have a successful relationship. Number two, there's a really kind of funny, but also it can be kind of sad trend going on TikTok right now that perfectly fits what you're saying called the orange peel test. And it's girlfriends saying to their boyfriends, I'm really craving an orange, but I really don't feel like peeling it. And the test is if the boyfriend will say, oh, I'll peel you an orange. Or they won't, you know, or they're like, oh, you know, here's the orange. Peel it. What do you mean? You're an adult. You can peel it. And so the test videos are interesting for me to watch because a lot of boyfriends are like, oh, of course I'll peel you an orange. And they'll bring it to them. And some of them are like, no, you didn't do anything for me today. Why would I peel you an orange?

You didn't.

You don't do my laundry. The divorce attorney said one of his clients said she knew her relationship was over when her husband stopped refilling her granola. And I think that that perfectly fits with what you were just talking about, mom, too, because it is the small little things that we stop doing for our partners that we did at the beginning that kind of do signal that maybe there are some cracks in the foundation of your relationship. You need to go a little bit deeper and ask why that's happening first. And number two, the orange peel test is a total example of the granola thing, because why wouldn't you peel an Orange for your partner.

Yeah.

It may be silly. It may be like, well, I know you can do this, but that's not the point of it. The point of it is, can't you just do something out of love for your partner? Because they either don't feel like it or they don't. For me, I don't like peeling oranges because it makes my hands smell like oranges, and I don't like that. The small things cannot be overstated. The Gottmans have a little mini podcast called Small Things Often, because it's so true. Small things often are what are like the little mortar in your relationship between the big bricks. Because if you don't keep doing those small things or you become bitter and resentful about doing them, that doesn't really say anything about your relationship. It says something about you, you know, or the connection, that there's something wrong with the connection.

Yeah. And these seemingly little minor actions were the neglect of them significantly impact our relationships, as you're saying. And here's the thing. This is why they matter. Because as humans, we key into these little things and use them to help us feel safe and secure. That's why they're big things. They're not little things. They are little things, but they feel like big things. And here's the other challenge, and the moment these little things stop, I feel unsafe. But here's the next caveat. I don't ever say that. I don't address that. I just start making up a bunch of things about it and what it means. It makes me feel scared. So guess where I'm at. I'm in my fear. I'm in my insecurity. So I start making up a bunch of things, just like your example of.

The orange and the granola in the story. And. And we'll link the video so you guys can watch the divorce attorney's video, too. So you know what I'm talking about. But the wife never said anything to the husband about the granola. She just, you know, moved the bag and then threw the b drag away. But she never said, hey, honey, why did you stop filling up the granola? Because the conversation could have made all the difference there. I'm not saying it would have stopped their divorce, but it would have created more understanding.

Sure. Well, and even in your examples of like, can you peel this orange for me? If somebody's not willing to peel an orange for you, well, then there's some probably resentment there in regards to them feeling like they're not getting their needs met too. So why do I have to do this for you? It doesn't mean they don't love you. That's my point. It does not mean that they don't love you and that you haven't co created some beautiful, wonderful things in your relationship. And I think that's very often what we miss. We just jump to these conclusions and assumptions and we think, ah, see, there it is. I gave them the orange test.

It's.

It's over. They didn't pill my orange without realizing, oh, my gosh. There is so much more to the story. As they say. If I feel resentful that you want me to peel the orange because you don't do my laundry, what am I really saying? I'm not feeling like my needs are getting met too, and I'm starting to run out of emotional gas. Maybe like you are running out of emotional gas because that's why you're giving me this test in the first place. In the first place. So let's talk about that. If we could talk about that. But what that's the piece we don't.

Well, and I think both of those just real quickly, both the granola and the orange. And we haven't said this in a while, but if you listen for a while and thank you always for listening, we really appreciate that is you're using the granola, not whatever that is, the test and the orange test. But Stacy shares often that you're sacrificing the circumstances for the experience. What is the experience? Why the husband didn't want to refill the granola or why the husband or special someone didn't want to peel the orange. What's going on below that? That's what we want to look at. There's the meat right there. So they don't usually step in and really investigate and ask and inquire. We're not saying leverage, manipulate, demand, and course. No, we're asking.

There's two parts to this. The first is when you are doing those things that make my heart sing and that I love and that make me feel loved and valued, I don't ever let them know that. I don't let them know how important that is to me and where it is I go and how that makes me feel. There's also a lack of appreciation on that side. Thank you so much for doing those things so that they know that that's important and that's what makes my heart sing. Could we make a list of, you know, make sure the granola is filled? That's what's Going to make you feel loved. Or make sure that whenever you're handed an orange that you peel it, because that's what's going to make your partner feel loved. I mean, think about what we're saying here. And here's the interesting thing is we are all very unique in that way as much as we think. We say, I just want to feel loved. I just want to feel heard. I just want to spend more time with you. For us, as individual humans, when we start to drill down on that very simple word, it means very different things to us all. So, for example, if I said, spend time with me, that's what I really need time doing? What does that look like? And if you were to check the box in your own mind, what would be happening when you felt fulfilled? And that place of feeling like I took the time to connect with you, there's going to be some very specific things that you're longing for and looking for. And we don't say that. What I say is just spend time with me. And I go, well, I mean, we drove to aunt's house. That's time. What's the problem? I gave you time. I don't understand. And that's genuine. I really don't understand. That's my concept of time. What's your concept of time? And this is where we would start to vet out things, like these little things that sometimes happen by happenstance but then end up, like, feeling really good to me. Like the granola. I don't ever say anything about it, so it could be simply, yes. Maybe I started to feel a bit resentful because I was doing all of this to please you, but you weren't reciprocating in my mind. And then I stopped doing it. And then what happens? We don't talk about it. Yeah.

Like, the husband could have been like, oh, my God, I refill her granola every week and she never even says thank you. And meanwhile, the wife is like, oh, my God, He. He refills my granola every week, and I don't even have to say anything. And he keeps doing it. This is making me feel so loved. So I just want you guys to hear, they're both having totally different experiences in their mind. They're not sharing them. One partner's is so positive, and the other one is like, God, I'm resentful, negative. But how crazy is that, that they meant such different things to each other?

You know, personal movie right there, what Brookie described.

How about this one? Maybe the granola has nothing to do with you, maybe the granola is. I just started getting more busy at work or consumed with the kids or dealing with my own. And you know what? Doing the granola I didn't think mattered to you anyway. And I decided that was the one thing I could let go of that wouldn't make a big deal in our relationship. After all, it's just granola. Right? Because I'm dealing with a whole bunch of you don't even know about. So maybe it has nothing to do with you. And those are the things that we never consider. We sum it up by thinking it means this and we never vetted out. So we stack on that as though that's the truth. Now, here's the kicker. How do you show up in a relationship when you think the person you're in love with doesn't care about you?

Like shit. You give up. You're not being your best self. You let all the little things that you thought were wonderful before go because you're like, well, it doesn't matter anymore.

Exactly. And do you think that that might be the thing that creates the end because of the way you're showing up and then the way your partner responds to that? And then you respond to your partner, and then you respond, your partner responds back. And then you do that a few times and we go the race to the bottom. I guess we should get a divorce. Or. You know what? I can't do this anymore. I need space. And that is how we get there.

And no one has ever talked about the truth that entire time.

Not like, not at all. Why? Because we're too afraid. We're too afraid.

Or we. Or. Or we believe we know the truth so we don't have to have a conversation about it.

Yeah. We don't have to vet it out because. Oh, no, no, no. I have the evidence. I. You didn't. You didn't peel the orange. That's it. It's over. Or you didn't fill the granola, or you didn't. You stopped giving me my vitamins.

But you stopped packing my lunch. You stopped any of those things that.

Any of them. Yeah. So I'm just going to repeat this because I think this is so important for us to see. Did you say that this was something that was important to you? And did you say thank you? And does your partner understand and realize that this is something that makes your heart sing? That's going to be a problem if you don't. Number two, if it doesn't happen, could it be that it's not that they don't love and care about you. That a. Maybe they have some places where they need to vet out some resentments and. And some disappointment with you, but they're not saying so just like you're probably not saying to them. All right, maybe that's something we ought to have a conversation about. Hey, babe, you know, what's up with the vitamins? I really appreciate when you do it right. Is it something I said? Is it something I did?

And that's a great one. And I just say, because, babe, for a number of times, I would just end up putting them in a baggie. And we have a number of the little packs up in the cupboard. So, yeah, until we, like, kind of get rid of the packs. And I don't want to feel like I'm forcing them on you. So, yeah, I'm not seeing them. You know, Santa doesn't eat the cookies, you know, so I'm not keeping the cookies out, you know, but if you want me to continue to do that, we'll just keep adding them when you don't. I'm good with that because you know that. But. So therein lies a great example.

A great example. And the third is the assumption that it has anything to do with you at all. And. And we're not checking in and vetting those things out. We're stacking on them as though this little test that you threw out there is the truth. It turns into a conversation about, if I'm not happy, then why should you be? Because my needs aren't getting met, then why should I do my best to meet yours? And in doing so, I can also say, you know, I'm doing all this for you. What are you doing for me?

Well, you know, you say often, babe, we go into these very fast assumptions, and Stacy likes to say, rather than assuming, why don't we just get the intel directly from the person? And how do we do that? We need to have the permission and the emotional safety to ask the question. But you ask it genuinely. But then. Then we'll know. We'll have the intel directly from the person rather than the assumptions that, as we just demonstrated between us and listener, we do. This is our life and we teach it, for God's sake. Stacy wants me to put the vitamins back out, so tomorrow I'll put them back out again. So I didn't know that. First time it's ever come up, I say, honey, it doesn't seem like we're doing the vitamins anymore because I put them out. Brooke knows, man, your Dad's a vitamin guy. They're coming out every morning. For me anyway, it's no extra work.

I just want you to know, babe, I never took it as though you didn't love me. I, I, I took it as though maybe you were exhausted because I wasn't.

I mean, what if, what if someone feels too stupid? What if someone feels like, oh, I don't want to tell my partner that refilling my granola meant so much to me because I feel like that will seem silly. You know what I'm saying?

That's a very common fear that we have. Oh, that's going to be silly. I'm going to be too vulnerable. I can't go there right now. They'll think I'm an idiot. Those kinds of things. And I want you to know they have them too. They have those silly little things that make their heart sing too. So remember, you're not the only human in the mix. We're all humans and we all have little things that are just really special and mean something to us. And unless we share them, we're never going to know because they are so unique and specific to us. So in this moment where we end up not sharing those little things and not talking about those little things, and then when those little things stop, that used to bring us safety and they stop and now we feel unsafe, what I tend to do is I start, you know, setting up those little tests just to see so I don't have to have the conversation. Just think about that. Like the test is the lack of having that conversation, of saying, you know what? I really love it when you refill micronol. It makes me feel so loved and valued. Would you rather do that or would you rather give them an orange test? And which one do you think is going to vet out to more clarity and understanding in your relationship? Do you see how we can set ourselves up for major disappointment and we're still not getting to the understanding that we need? We just get more chaos and emotional pain and broken heartedness because of the way we're setting it up. Literally in this moment where there used to be something done that made my heart sing, or I used to do something that would make my heart sing, I have a moment of choice. The person doing the little things doesn't realize this is a big thing for you, or you just think they know and they don't. So then I put them to a test and I wait and I watch to see. Now remember, the person I'm testing doesn't know they're being tested. They don't know that there's all this weight and meaning on the backside as to whether they choose to pill the orange or not. Pill the orange. Sticking with our analogy, they just think you're asking. And what's going to come up for them genuinely, if it's a place of resistance, well then that tells you that there's places where they feel like you're not going to peel the orange for them either. Like if we were to reverse engineer the test even, right? Feeling the way you feel, would you peel the orange? And we get so lost in this place of dealing with our emotional hurt and I make up so much about it that I'm really still not having a conversation that needs to be had. We're still not gaining understanding and clarity and so what it is we need and long for is going to continue to elude us. I wait and watch to see if they'll remember the little thing for me once again. And I make up all types of reasons in my own mind as to why they stopped in the first place. And unfortunately, what I began to make up is not that they must be struggling with something right now and I probably need to check in with them to gain some more clarity about what's working and not working for them and. Or see if I can maybe lend some support. Like ha, that's a joke. Where I go, it's more likely is I begin to make up a whole bunch of fearful stuff of what ifs. What if they don't find me attractive anymore? What if they're seeing someone else? What if they don't want to be here anymore? And now that I'm reeling in my own fears and insecurities, I show up differently too. I too stop doing all the little things for my partner. But mind you, nobody's talking about any of this now. We are living in our assumptions and if we're talking about it, it's coming from a place of blame, beat up, preaching, etc. So next we throw a test from time to time without anyone knowing they're being tested, which is when we confirm our fears and insecurities. Oh, see, see, see, see that? I must be on the right page. And this is how my relationship experience turns from I love you. We got this into you are intentionally trying to hurt me and take advantage of me, gaslighting me, don't care about me. So I'm going to do my best to not care about you either. And maybe if I get you to feel the pain I'm feeling, you'll finally understand what you're doing to us. And I want you to point out, it's not me, it's us. It turns into this big blanket statement. So we become exceptionally self absorbed in our pain. There, I said it. We do. And when I'm self absorbed in my pain, I'm not even thinking that you're probably having a different experience in our wrestling and conflict and pain as well. And I attempt to manage my partner in an effort to alleviate said pain. If I can just get you to stop doing or, or get you to start doing these things, I'm going to feel so much better. And this is where it's like I want to go, ding, ding, ding, ding. Cue the shit show. It's like, ta da, there it is. So you're gonna manage me, I'm gonna manage you. We're not going to talk about what it is we really missed or what we're disappointed about or what I need. I'm not going to take the time to understand what you need because after all, I need you to understand what I need. Now we're in that race to the bottom that so eloquently gets cued. And I share this with you today to highlight, yes, it's the little things, but it's also how we handle not getting our needs met with those little things. And where it is we go in our own minds and in our own psyche that creates the breakdown, that creates the divorces and the dissolving of the relationships that we once held dear. So I said we had a choice. Remember a few minutes ago I said we have a choice. There's a moment where all of a sudden the little thing isn't being done anymore. And that's my moment where I can pursue something I want. I can let you know, I can inquire, I can ask, I can be that conversation of support to have the conversations about what it is we need. Here's what I need. What do you need? Let's talk about this, what's going on, let's understand. And that is the moment of choice where we can either dive deeper into the hurt and the pain and the disappointment of that little thing, or I can actually put a positive emotional spin on it and start pursuing what it is I want, what it is that I would like to experience with you what it is I would like us to co create together what it is I can do for you and ask for and advocate for what it is you can do for for me. And that's how we put a positive spin on this, positive actions and attentiveness can create a reinforcing cycle of love and appreciation in our relationships. And if in real time, we go back, Tom and I, to the vitamins, number one, I could put a positive spin on that. And didn't assume. And I didn't. I'm really proud of myself. I didn't assume that it wasn't because he didn't love me and didn't care anymore, even though it was a little thing he had done on for years. I just noticed one morning my vitamins weren't laid out on the plate. And then I remembered myself that, you know what, you're right. I've been a little resistant in taking them. We'll have a conversation about it at some point in time. And I truly didn't plan it was going to be on the podcast, but here we are. We'll roll with it.

I'll take a picture and post on social media. They'll be back out tomorrow morning.

But instead of assuming that they don't care, what if we assume instead that they do care and something must be going on for them and maybe we should inquire about that instead. And I could take that positive spin on inquiring about that. And maybe, maybe I start by reassuring them that I love them and that I miss the fact that you don't do this for me. And I'm just checking in. Are we okay? Are we good? Is there anything you need from me? Is there anything going on that you. You need to share with me, that I need to understand? And so what if instead of pulling away, we offer small gestures that can strengthen our bond instead? And in my work, and even in my own, quite frankly, there's a little thing I teach passionately about called fairy dust. Because this played a huge role in our relationships of taking it from the negative and spinning it into the positive. It really is a simple and easy way to create a positive spiral of emotion. Instead of taking the same old journey into the negative that we so often do, we need to remember that when we appreciate the small things in my person and all that they're doing for me, then they know and I know they know. And they need to know, because you need them to know what makes your heart sing. And if you don't say so, they won't know. They won't. You're enjoying it. You're over here in pleasure mode. But did you ever think once to say, thank you? I appreciate this. This means a lot to me? Because if you don't, they may not think it's a big deal and one day, just on their own accord because it's something they do for you. It's energy and investment they put in. Maybe they make it up in their own minds. It doesn't. Doesn't matter to you. So I stop. It's no big deal. You don't seem to like it or, you know, care or say anything about it anyway. They also have no idea what breaks your heart unless you say so. So not an attacking manner, but in a sharing manner. Because here's the deal. The truth is, as the human beings that we all are, we can all get caught up in managing our own emotional pain and lose the ability to understand what might be going on for our partners. We become very self absorbed there and I think you should know and be able to fix it, especially if you love me, without realizing sometimes they're dealing with theirs too. That's kind of a sobering thought. So when things stop, I assure you it has less to do with you and more to do with how your partner is feeling. We should check in about those things and we should also take the responsibility of letting them know with clarity and understanding what it is that makes your heart sing. Don't leave it a secret and don't assume they know. I'm going to sum this conversation up by a quote from Tony Robbins, who says this beautifully. He has a wonderful quote that says, if there would never be an end, think about how careful in the beginning we are about ensuring that what I'm doing and how I'm showing up works for you. And all the little things that I come up with and I create in my own mind's eye that I think my might give you pleasure and joy and connection because of the things that we've shared. If we could just go back to those moments and have those types of conversations, I assure you there would be less heartbreak and far less need for space and separation and divorce. It's simply we don't have the conversations that matter most and we don't have those conversations. From seeking a place of understanding, we step into blame, testing, minimizing, criticizing, manipulation, all kinds of other juicy things that unfortunately unravel us and take us into that race to the bottom. So you may have heard me mention the fairy dust, right? That little thing that we can do that makes all the difference in our lives. And right now for our listeners, I'm going to gift you with a download that you can download right now that's going to give you not only what fairy dust is but it's going to give you four significant ways to use fairy dust in your relationship right now. What is fairy dust? Well, I'll tell you this much about it. It's that little thing that you can do right now that will take you into a positive spiral, moving your relationship in a better direction than continuing to do what we've described here.

And I'll just share with the listener. Don't worry. You can't spread too much of it either. So there's lots of opportunity for you.

Yeah, totally agree. So it is important for us to be proactive in these things. If we don't reach for and continue to seek and have conversations about the little things that are meaningful to me and we don't remove the testing that I'm setting my partner up for unknowingly, and then I make up a whole bunch of things about you and our life together because of it. I need you to understand these are mis, egregious understanding parts in your relationship. Like the conclusions that you're coming to because of the assumptions you're making without having the conversation is going to be the thing that breaks your relationship down. We need to talk about these things. And yes, it's going to cause you to be vulnerable. And yes, you're going to feel silly doing them. And yes, your armpits are going to get sweaty. But it's the only thing I know of in this moment in time. Knowing what I know that's going to help you create more of what it is you say you want. It's kind of like you can't have your cake and eat it too. We can't avoid the important conversation that makes your armpits sweaty and have the connection, the thriving relationship and the bonding that you so desire. You have to step in and do the scary stuff. And that is, hey, this is what makes my heart sing. What makes your sing? I want to learn. I want to know. Tell me. And hey, if you're not doing these things for me, help me understand what I can do to maybe make it better for you so that you will in turn feel inspired to make it better for me. Can we have that conversation? And if by chance you can't have that conversation right now, I get it. It's skill based just as much as it is courage and bravery. It's difficult to muster up the courage and bravery you need to step into these places if you feel like you. You've got no skill, right? So this is where we need to skill up and learn. And it just so happens that's the work here. So I would invite you to get some help and support. You can join a love and limbo session. You can join a roadmap session. The previous one that we started here recently is closed now, but the next one is open. So go ahead and sign up and jump in for 30 days and I promise you, you will learn the skills you need in order to have these conversations.

The next roadmap starts February 25th. So we start on a Sunday, we end on the Sunday, and we have have four calls, one per week in between those two Sundays. The beginning and the end.

Yeah. And I also lastly, will encourage you to share this podcast and join the community for ongoing support and guidance, which is our better love club format. We're here to support you in these very important places because you know what? We all deserve love. We all deserve and are capable of having a wonderful relationship. What eludes us is the skills to create those things. And if you're willing to roll up your sleeves and learn some skills and practice them, you too can have what it is you desire. It is not just for the chosen few. Great relationships can be had by all. Let's have a little bit of fun. And it was really easy today for me to come up with Follow the fun moment because I'm going to encourage you right now to reflect on your own relationship and seek out the small things that you used to do for your partner, but stop doing. How about this week you do it again? Just pick up where you left off. And then if you want to get really brave, inquire. Do you like it when I do this for you? Like, this is just meaningful and helpful. Check it out, vet it out. So, yeah, we're going to do some courage building as well as have a little bit of fun. And it's something that you. That you can do right now.

Brooks gonna post on Instagram. I'm gonna send her the. The picture of the vitamins in the morning.

And. And then as we complete this, follow the fun. What are some things that you would love to experience again from your partner? Would you be so brave as to ask them for it? Oh, I also want to leave you with this thought. Behind every expectation and assumption, there's an ask there that you're looking for. What is it? Instead of assume it and get upset because it's not happening, turn it into an ask. And I invite you to share your ask with your partner. And then I also invite you to share your stories with us. We would love to hear your success stories here. Like These are big moments to celebrate. These are no small things that I'm asking you to do here. So let us know how it goes as we complete our episode today. We complete it with a song and immediately it didn't take me long. My mind traveled back into a song that I used to listen to on consistent repeat, say back in like 2004, 5, 6.

This is pre Tom.

Yes. It's a song by India Irie and she had an album that came out that just really touched me and I wore that CD out. Like it got so burned out that I couldn't play it anymore. I would skip too many tracks. And of course the song was on that album. The Little Things she talks About Outside of all the things that we think we're pursuing in our lives, it's always the little things that count. It's always the little things that warm our hearts and make life worth living. So check it out. I love this song. I played it and then I played it five times this morning before putting it in the pot. Enjoy it. It is the little things. It's the little things for all of us. You can listen to this song on and our entire playlist on Spotify by going to Love Shack Life Playlist. You can also ch it out on our podcast page@bartley.com all right, I think that's a wrap on the little things that are big things really, but little things in measure. May you enjoy the little things today. Search for the little things today and gift the little things to the people that you love. Goodbye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.