#163: Why Is My Partner Distant? Understanding Emotional Space in Relationships

In the silence of a partner's need for space. Have you ever felt your heart is anchored in a sea of uncertainty while the world moves on without you? Welcome to Love Shack Live, a sanctuary for those navigating the turbulent waves of relationship challenges. I'm Stacey Bartley alongside my co host and lover Tom and our daughter Brooke. Today we delve into a journey that many find the most challenging in love understanding. When your partner craves emotional space, imagine this. Your mind and this quest for answers and acceptance circles back to the thought that you need another's love to feel whole. Each time. This thought erodes your confidence and self esteem, leading you down a path of self doubt and deprecation. It's a cycle that can make you feel like a stranger to your own heart, constantly seeking validation from someone who's also learning to understand themselves too. But here's a transformative thought. What if you're the greatest thing that ever happened to your partner, yet internal conflicts within them prevent them from embracing you in the relationship? Could giving them space be the key to unlocking a deeper, more authentic connection? Today's episode is about learning how to do those emotional push ups by finding the beauty and gifts and resistance and learning the most important lesson in love. Valuing yourself more than seeking the validation from others. I invite you to join us as we guide you through this emotional landscape, offering insights and tools to help you stop being stranger to yourself. We're not just discussing strategies. We're embarking on a journey of self discovery and transformation. It's time right now to find your path back to love. Not just with your partner, but inside of yourself. So what's the next best step? Let's explore together and uncover the answers you've been searching for. This is more than a podcast. It's a journey to the heart of what matters most in relationship.

Hi, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

I want to start by sharing a personal story of when I was in this space. I was truly in a relationship and in love with a man who was a serious, mighty hunter. And I mean, for real, he would.

Hunt, like shooting animals kind of hunter?

Yes, yes, yes. He would hunt elephants in Africa. Lions and tigers and bears. Oh my God. And in my house, I had a wall of the best taxidermy heads you have ever seen in your life. Now, if you know me, you would know that this is very counter to the person that I genuinely are at the heart of it all. I'm actually an animal lover. And hurting or killing or hunting animals is something that I'm extremely adverse to. However, when I had an opportunity to feel love and connection again in my life, I pretended that I was good with this as long as I didn't participate and avoided the basement where all the taxidermy head were. Heads were like the plague. The relationship was all about him. Not because he demanded it, not because he insisted it or told me that it had to be so. It was because I made myself into his dream come true partner. I was able to maintain it for five years until I felt completely shattered myself and torn apart within. When I shared, I couldn't do it anymore. Bless his heart, he couldn't figure out what went wrong. The truth is I made this relationship work for everyone but me. The common emotional response in this place is confusion and self doubt and fear. And man, did I have my huge dose of it as I contemplated what to do. Because there were a lot of great things about our relationship that I did appreciate and long for. He had children, I had children, they had really bonded. Those children had wonderful memories and we had incredible adventures together. And yet still I could not rectify the internal conflict inside of myself that this wasn't going to work. And it took me a while to understand after separation with this person that it was actually my responsibility here. He didn't need to give me what it is I needed and wanted and longed for. Because quite frankly, I never asked for it. I never disclosed that. It was never about that. See, I had stepped into the relationship from a place where what I thought made love work was that you give and sacrifice of yourself to such a degree that then finally, somehow, through the mysteries and the ethers of the universe, that my needs would get met too. Without realizing that knowing what my needs are, having clarity, clarity about those, and actually advocating and sharing those with a partner is the only way that we can truly get our needs met in a relationship. And that goes both ways. And so as I stepped in and then essentially fell apart for him, it was a great relationship. He was being true and authentic to himself. He was offering and giving everything to me that he possibly could. I know that this person would have hung the moon for me. He loved me so much and yet would it all come crashing down for me again? He couldn't understand why. What was it I was not doing? What was it I was not giving? What was it that you ultimately needed? And unfortunately, at that point in time in my life, I couldn't tell him because I didn't have the clarity inside of myself. And so this heartbreaking story, just like Many stories go, I actually had to go and find myself and understand myself and learn the most important principle of love and relationships for myself, and that is this. The number one biggest lesson we must learn in relationships is you can't sacrifice yourself enough to make it good and make it last. The importance of self reflection and self value in these situations cannot be understated. We cannot do that to ourselves because us ourselves will break down, fall apart and not have anything to give and contribute to the relationship. And sometimes this is so difficult to understand and wrap your head around. Even when you are the person who's asking space, you may not understand and know why. You just know that there's something here that is not congruent. And so often in our endeavors to love, to be good enough, to show up, to be the person I promised you I was, we find ourselves falling short not because of anything you did, but because of how I set it up in the front side. And so this is the emotional cycle that I want to talk with you about for a minute, regardless of whether you're on the side that my partner was going, I don't understand. I've given you everything. I've. I've sacrificed and given so much. And we were, and I was so happy. Why are you leaving me? And me saying, I don't know. I just know I'm not happy. I know that I'm falling apart. I know that I'm a shell of myself. I know I can't do this anymore. And he would point to all the wonderful things were absolutely true in our life and in our relationship. But we have this and we have this and we do this and we go there and I've given you this and I've shown up here and all the many lists of things, and I would agree and say, yes, and I love them and they're wonderful and I treasure them and they're incredible moments. And usually at this point in time, I'd be in a puddle of tears because of the guilt and shame that I felt inside of myself for not coming up with a better answer that I didn't possess. And so it's a leap of faith to say, look, I don't know what's going on here, but I do need to find me. It's an act of faith because I don't know that that's going to work out. The person who's asking space, I didn't know that it was going to help me understand myself and relationships better. I was just trusting an inkling quiet inside of me that said, you know what? This is what you got to do, girl. Figure out a way to make it happen. And I can't even tell you how many thousands of hours I cried about that and raged about it and invited him to marry me not once, but twice. And I moved back in with him not once but twice, but thrice. And bless heart, he continued to extend as I would continue to wrestle. And finally, it was like, I can't do this to you and me anymore. So let's talk about this emotional cycle, because it's something that not only is exceptionally personal to me, as you can probably appreciate, I loved it when I finally came across learning and understanding that made sense to me. And if you ever wonder why it is, I have compassion for both sides. Because quite frankly, I have lived through both sides of this conversation. And I know that there is nobody that are winners or losers. I know it's the most challenging place. And that's probably why we're so passionate about serving people who are navigating through this. So the emotional cycle starts like this. It all starts out great. In relationships. We say, hey, you know what? I just want to have somebody here and say that I'm beautiful and I'm wanted and I'm attractive and that what, the life that I dream and hope of is possible. And you want to do that with me too. Oh, my gosh, like, this is a dream come come true. And then you love me and. And you treat me well, and you show up and you say all the things that I'm longing to hear. And I am so in right now. Please take me to the promised land. And then as that goes, it works really well for a while, and things are really good in the beginning. And then there comes that moment where all of a sudden, your partner doesn't see you. The way you feel is true for you. Meaning you're saying, no, that wasn't my intention. That wasn't the way that it was intended. And then it goes unaccepted. It goes unaccepted, like, no, no, no, no, no. See, you said this, and this is what it means, and sorry. And you're like, no, I swear that's. That's not the truth for me. And so now I start digging. I've got to convince and prove to them that I am the person I say I am. And it's almost like, cue the invalidation. And the deeper I dig in this hole and it's. And see an experience that it's not accepted on the other side. The more I unravel and the more conflict and heartbreak and anxiety I'm spiraling in. Why? Because all of my worth, my self esteem, my good enough issues are no longer seen in someone outside of myself. And I've got to get them to see it otherwise, therefore it does not exist. I have to show them all the evidence. I have to have the long explanations. I have to in an attempt to explain it away. I have to get them to see my side or otherwise I am so says me, the terrible, awful, unthoughtful narcissist person that they're claiming I am. And in this place there are no winners. This is why I call it the race to the bottom. And in this place I start to unravel just as fast as they become more and more stuck in their position about their own experience. And I don't understand why. It seems like anything I say or do or the endless explaining and then the endless amounts and piles of evidence, it goes on down met and they start to pull away or I do. And here we are in this invalidation cycle. This cycle will remain until we can find our way back to a place where I can stand sturdy within myself. And it sounds a lot like this, and we're going to talk about how to get you there today. But it sounds a lot like, you know what? I'm really sorry you've seen that in me. I'm really sorry that that's your experience of me. That wasn't my intention. And when we're both in a place where we can kind of create a new understanding between us, let's just give this a rest and get clear about where we are and what we want from here. That is so much better than the endless explaining and the challenging and the power and control and the manipulation and the defensiveness that is ensuing as everybody is trying to become validated and appreciated and acknowledged as a great, incredible human being that they are. Like, it's just this cycle where the more I try and prove it, the more it seems like a lie and the more I start to question it myself. So I'm just going to pause here for a minute and see if my compadres, the ones that are flying with me on this conversation, want to interject any thoughts. And then let's step into some of the misconceptions, the fears that kind of drive us to this place or this cycle of breakdown and then ultimately what it is you can do about it if by chance you're in that cycle now.

Well, I want to start off by pointing out to you, the listener, if you didn't catch it. The very essence of the story that Momtoo Stacey shared at the beginning of the show was a huge demonstration of what we call self rejection. So she had to reject the essence of who she was to show up the way that she did in the relationship. And that is one of the most painful things that we do. And a lot of times we do it without even knowing because I don't think when she was doing that, she didn't know that she was doing that. She only came to that realization after she got out of the relationship and maybe even many years down the road. And when we talk about self rejection, I think a lot of people don't know what it is either. They just accept, like, okay, that's a bad thing to do, but they don't realize how it shows up in our lives and how we do it even outside of relationships. We do it in friendships, we do it to fit in when we're kids. We do it to be cool so that we don't get made fun of all the thing. Like I remember as a kid, for example, I really just wanted to hang out with my friend's parents because I loved having conversations with adults. For some reason, I was always an old soul, but I never felt like I could say that because it was dorky or I just wanted to stay with my own family because I really love my family and hanging out with them. I wasn't really ever a kid at heart, which kind of is sad. But anyways, that's besides the point. I rejected myself a lot in those years to fit in and be a person that I really wasn't. But I feel like adults looking back can recognize that we did that as teenagers, but I don't think that we recognize that we still do it in so many areas of our lives as adults and we don't realize how that is chipping away at our relationship with ourselves and our self esteem and our confidence and knowing who we really are. But we do it so often. And that's really what I got from what you just said. And I just want people to know how harmful and dangerous it is to reject, abandon all of those things yourself.

It is. And you know what? At some point in time in our life, it's kind of like almost a rite of passage. We're probably all going to struggle with it at some point. Especially the more we care, the more we want to fit in, or sometimes the more trauma that we've had. It can cause me to feel like if I Have any kind of a I'm not good enough conversation going on in my head, well then I make it up that I have to give or extend more of myself in order to be loved, to be beautiful, to be accepted, to be a part of. And these are often the big lessons that we have to learn in our lives about relationships. This was the relationship for me right before I met Tom. And I need to say, you're absolutely right, Brookie. This had been a lifelong lesson that I had been literally attempting to learn again and again and again seven times prior. Seven. So I'm a slow learner and I can look back and in each of those seven I did very similar things where I would step in, I would make the relationship great for somebody else. It was all amazing for a short period of time. And then about year four or so I would start to fall apart and go, oh my gosh, I can't believe this. Except for one. And there was one in there that absolutely did the same thing back to me. And that's where the headlights started to come on for me. It was like he ended up becoming a version of himself that was not congruent. And I remember him saying to me, I want to marry you in one moment and run like hell in the next. And I went, that is so well said. I know exactly what that feeling is. And so it is in the dance of love and relationships, right? I sometimes wonder, is the dance of love and relationship to help us learn this very important thing that nobody is going to be able to give us that place of love and acceptance and feelings of good enough until I can find them within me? Yeah, that is the ultimate gift. And then the co creation part is just going to ask us and invite us to go back there again and again and again in the ability to navigate through the inevitable challenges that are going to confront us. And I'm pretty convinced at this moment in time, in 2024 that that is the difference maker between being able to navigate long lasting love. There's an ability for me to go back home to myself and say, well, what do I really need and want out? And I can express that and I can also give that to my partner. What do you need and want out of this? And in that clarity and understanding of both sides emerges the solution that we're looking for. And if I don't have the ability to do that, then there's probably a bit of that. Not probably. There is a lot of self rejection going on that sometimes we don't see.

There was a really powerful quote that was shared in our love and limbo 30 day roadmap call yesterday. And she said that she heard this quote somewhere. The minute we abandon ourselves is the minute betrayal creeps into relationships. And I think that's so powerful because we don't usually think that anything having to do with something that we do to ourselves in a relationship would equal betrayal. But it's true because we're betraying ourselves. And that also can wreck relationships. And it's just really important to keep your eye out on that. Dad, it looked like you were going to say something.

I was just going to say, I think the common societal norm is we think we just have the wrong person. And to be fair, we may. But many times we go into another relationship like Stacy shared. And nothing wrong with that, it's part of the journey. But it's not necessarily the wrong person. It's just the wrong understanding of how relationships really, really work because we oftentimes create a new version of what we just left with a new spacesuit.

And here's the thing, to be fair to all of those that are going, yeah, but I was just doing my best and I was told that I was supposed to do this is how a great relationship works. I know. I want to acknowledge that to be fair. It is in our wedding vows.

It's.

It's this version of, I promise to always sacrifice myself and love you to the end no matter what I do. And you're going to do the same for me. You're going to sacrifice yourself and, and make me happy and make sure that you're there to support me until death do us part. I do. And then we go, oh, we're so going to knock this out of the park. Because right now, in this moment, we are so in love, only to find that we won't see the self invalidation playing out until some time past this moment. It is something that see in the contrast of living, it is not something you can see on the front side very often until you start to clue into, you know what, Wait a minute. Every time I get into a relationship, I lose myself. What is that about? And why is it every time I get into a relationship I want to run? Or why is it every time I get into a relationship I get so anxious I can't see straight? It's because I'm doing some version of self invalidation or rejection.

There's this interesting concept that's going around about people who are neurodivergent and that can be anything. Like it could be adhd even anxious, autistic. And a lot of people are on the spectrum and you would never even guess it. And it's called the fear of being perceived. So literally just someone considering you or looking at you and wondering what your needs are and also you having to do the same thing for them can be exhausting. So, like, for me, I always want to make sure that Jack loves the show that we're watching. And if I can even sense that he is not enjoying it, even maybe like an iota, like he just picks up his phone and checks a text or something, I'm like, oh God, he hates the show that I picked. Now I feel so stupid that I suggested this show. So then that makes me want to like, dampen myself down and be less perceived so that he will suggest a show he wants to watch more. So, so then I don't have that mental gymnastics going on in my head of being like, oh God, I don't want to be responsible for picking the show. And then he hates it. And then all of those thoughts that are going on. So there are so many things that people aren't even realizing that they're doing that are. That's just a little form of self abandonment. But I'm doing it to soothe myself because I don't want to be perceived in a way that I don't want to be perceived. It's like there's so many little micro decisions that we make in our relationships where we're trying to do that, we're trying to decide what our partner likes or if they like it. And then if we think they don't, the next time we won't suggest something when maybe they were just thinking about a meeting at their work tomorrow and they're checking the calendar has nothing to do with whether or not they like the show. But those little interactions can be so powerful if we let them be. And it can cause you to turn into your version of you that you, that you don't even know you're doing and you're losing yourself just because of the way that you're being perceived. You know?

Well, there's a great statement in psychology that says there's actually three perceptions that are going on all the time. The way that I perceive myself, the way that I perceive you, and the way that I think you perceive me. And that's exactly what you're talking about. And all three of those are playing out in a nanosecond. There's the way I perceive me, the way I perceive you, and the way I think you're perceiving me, and that's usually the one that gets us. The way that I assume or think that you're perceiving me and the only way I know of in the human condition to vet that out is to ask. Which brings me to the difference between assumption and understanding. I want to talk about that because these are important. Understanding is where I am aware of my own and other people's feelings, which allow me to be tolerant and forgiving because I understand it. If I don't understand it, then I'm fearful and I'm assuming a whole bunch of things. Like just as your great example there, Brooke, he picks up his phone, he's probably loving the show, but we won't vet that out. You just note that he picked up his phone and then you assume, which is something accepted as true or as certain to happen without proof. And so if I don't want to assume and I want to step into understanding, I have got to commit to myself and to my partner and others that I will vet it out, which can be done very easily by simply asking a question. Hey, you know what I'm making up now that you don't enjoy the show. Is that true? And that fast? It could be handled. But you know what? We don't do that. What do we do instead? We spend endless hours twisting on this and every hour spent is another hour of self deprecation. And just like I had described in my share as we opened the show, that's how we fall apart.

There's a little bit more to this story. There was a girl who was talking about the fear of being perceived. And so she said, a lot of people who have this fear or they let it rule their interactions would rather say to a person or their partner or a friend, you always pick the show and pretend to enjoy a show or watch a show that they don't like just to avoid all of that hullabaloo that we just spoke about. So potentially, for the next 30 years of my life, I could tell Jack to always pick a show and lie and say that I love it just so I don't have to do the mental gymnastics of picking a show and wondering if he likes it and constantly looking over at him and being like, is he laughing? I just think that's so interesting that we do that to ourselves. And I know it's so common. And so you're going to commit to the rest of your marriage and saying, no, honey, you pick the show because you don't want to have the courage or you Know, deal with the potential blowback of your partner not liking a show, which is really not a high stakes situation. But we do that to ourselves so much. Oh, one time I made dinner and he hated it. So I'm gonna let him pick the meal plan forever just so I don't have to deal with that issue.

And here's the kicker, that makes so much sense. And I bet there are listeners right now who are in this space like, yeah, that sounds like a really great trade off because that other part, really exhausting. Except for here's the deal, it's not, it's still not going to go well because you're going to get down the road and you are going to become so resentful that you can't ever pick the show. You don't see it coming right now. Sounds like a great solution to avoid this whole thing, but I promise you, you're going to get down the road and it won't be as long as you think before you're like, it's not about the show. We've forgotten all about the show. It's going to be, my entire life revolves around you, and that's not okay. That's how that's going start to show up. And you know what? Now I resent you for it.

And your partner, I just want to point out here before you finish it, your partner has no idea this is going on.

Yes, yes. And it's like the more they try and give you at that point in time, the more you're like, oh, and here we go again. It's just all about you. Well, actually, you've made it all about them. Just like I did on the front side. It was about the setup up. It wasn't about what they're doing per se, and they just simply took advantage of what you were offering on the front side. And now you're, you're upset, you're resentful, you're angry, you're falling apart. So was I. And that's how we get there. And we Forgot all about 30 years ago or 10 years ago or 5 years ago or 3 years ago or 2 years ago. I set it up that way because I made it possible for them to take the reins and said, no, we'll do it your way. That way I don't have to do all this TED talk and chatter inside of myself. And it works. Just like I said on the cycle, it works for a minute, but we don't understand actually what we're choosing and that eventually you need to understand this. The Self will never tolerate it. Because if there's one thing that the essence of who you are and who you have the intelligence and capability to be, it will never tolerate it. It will always win.

Before I move on to the next part, I have another thing to share. There was a woman my age, in her 30s, talking about this exact issue and how we often assume that our partners are annoyed. So her example was, I'm getting my nails done, and I just get a feeling like, oh, I know my husband wants me to rush home. I just know he wants me to rush home because he's at home with our two little kids. He's probably overwhelmed. I just know he wants me to rush home. And so then she's like, I'm getting annoyed because I feel like I have to rush. The end of my nail appointment pays, and, you know, maybe I want to get a coffee, but I can't because he wants me to rush home. Never did he say that he wanted her to rush home. She just made up this whole scenario in her head, and she pointed out how we resent our partners so much for those conversations we have in our head that are never proven. You know, we don't have the intel. So they came up with a policy in their marriage, which I thought was so good, it's not annoyed unless proven guilty. So both of them stop assuming that either one of them is annoyed. And if they feel like it's possible that their partner is annoyed, they ask, and here's the real kicker. If the partner says, no, I'm not annoyed, they believe them. Because how often does your partner say, no, I'm not annoyed. And you say, I know you are.

I know you're annoyed.

And then maybe now they're annoyed because they're like, okay, I don't want to have to convince you of this. I just thought, wow, that was genius.

You know, kind of goes back to, there's only one way to handle it, and you've got to vet it out. Running late at my nail appointment. Are you good? Can I slow down? Do I have plenty of time? Yeah, no, babe, I'm good. That's the only way to vet that out and manage the own internal thoughts. But here's the kicker as well. Well, you gotta know to ask the question and not just react and to respond to the emotions that you're feeling as though they're valid and true. So those are all really great examples. And some of the ideas, when we're in the space of separation that we can buy into, that can get the better of us are some of these misconceptions that are based in fear where I feel like I'm fake and disconnected, but I don't want them to leave. That's kind of a catch 22. I know I'm not showing up and feeling connected to you, but. But please don't leave me. That's kind of like we used to do when we were in junior high and high school where it said I don't like you and, and you're not really my friend, but I would be crushed if you told me I wasn't your friend. And we need to think about these things. These are the things that we do. When I don't have a very good working acumen of self validation within me. Otherwise I'd be able to say, you know what? It's okay that you don't like me. I can let that go because I'm good as I am. I don't need you to like me to be okay. It's good. Tell me how you're feeling. And it's only from this place. I want to point out that we can have honest conversations about what it is we're really experiencing. Otherwise, we're dancing in this illusion that is so very common in relationships. It's like there's a lot going on, but nobody's talking about it. So we just pretend. Kind of like I did. Oh my gosh. The animal rights activist has got a trophy head of animals, like a complete museum in her basement that I'm embarrassed to even let people see because it's so counter to who I am. And I have all kinds of narratives and stories to justify it. Not only that my household income is contributing to somebody going out and participating in this. Like that's going to create a conflict. And then there's the conflict as how does this trickle down to my sons and my daughters? And then there's the conflict of. But I justify it because of all the good things that are going on. And those things we're going to pay for later. It's like little problem now, big problem later. You choose. And so we live in these places of illusion. And one of the most common one in this place of separation is if they'll simply come home, it's going to be fine. My biggest problem is that they're gone and, and the separation is happening. Well, wait a minute. We forget all about, like we've already touched on here what led us to the separation in the first place. And the person who asked for separation is usually the person who's Kind of deemed the problem because how dare you step outside the illusion of what it is we're creating here. Because there's a lot of good here that works. And how dare you get to a place where you can't do it anymore.

Let me play devil's advocate though, because in other episodes we've said just because your partner asks for space of separation does not mean that it's over. But yet you just said that. That, you know, so is. Are we playing both sides of the aisle, so to speak?

No. I mean, when somebody asks for space, there's a lot to be learned and uncovered there. And that's the position we hold in all of these episodes. Initially, it feels like you're violating or betraying me or leaving me behind or discarding me, or I'm, you know, cast aside and not good enough. Especially when I'm coming from that good enough conversation. And what's happening here is we all need to find a place within ourselves so that we can co create in a better way going forward. Otherwise, what's going to happen is you're going to come home and whatever it is I'm doing that got you to come home, I'm going to need to continue to do as Brooke was saying. You know, 30 years of letting you choose the movie seems innocent, seems like no big deal until it starts playing out day after day after day. And that leads very much into here we go again. I'm negating myself. I'm not happy now. I'm angry and resentful and I don't know why. And it's because I've given you the permission to rule my life from a good place. But that one's going to always catch up to me.

I think another answer to your question, dad, is I know people listen to these episodes to get hope, which I hope they get from the episodes. But there are some relationships that won't be able to recover from space, and there are some that will. And it doesn't really depend on whether or not the person comes home. And it depends on whether or not both people can learn how to come back to themselves and talk about the things that led to them abandoning themselves and becoming burnt out in the first place.

And then how good are they going to be at ramping up with skills that we can then use to teach my partner how to love me best? Because I have that clarity and understanding within me. I just want to point out that that's not even possible to step out of illusion if I don't even have that working Acumen inside of myself. As I say often, I've got to be able to translate my own thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that first I can understand. That's the only way I know of in this moment that I'm not going to be able to react and respond instead. And I then have to muster up the courage and the value and the appreciation that that is okay to feel the way I feel and think the way I think. So much so that I'm going to be able to not only disclose it, but advocate for it. And that's a whole nother level of, like, valuing myself, appreciating myself. And that's a journey. That's a journey that relationships help us embark on.

And a small example, I think sometimes we say things and we just assume that everybody knows what we're talking about, like permission and safety for your partner to feel the way they feel. An example that I mentioned of the couple who agreed to assume they were not annoyed unless proven guilty was, if my partner says, no, I'm not annoyed, you believe them. But on the other hand, if they say, yes, I am annoyed, and yes, it's you who made me annoyed, then you have to, like, be okay with that. You know, you asked the question, are you annoyed? And they say, yes, and you say, why? And they say, it's because you did this thing. You can't then explode on them. You can't then say, I can't believe that little thing I did made you annoyed. And then you ignored me for the whole day. And now when I ask you if you're annoyed and you say, yes, and you tell me why, I can't believe it. You know, that is the opposite of creating emotional safety. And just to explain a little further, it's because it removes the permission for your partner to tell you how they feel because they know they're going to be met with that big explosion. So you have to see that that is the opposite of what you're wanting to create in relationships. I get why you feel that way, because you want to defend yourself and you want to say, no, that's not what I meant, or all of those things. But in that moment, that's not what you need to be doing. You need to listen and allow your partner to tell you why they're annoyed. Then after that, you could say, hey, could I explain where I was coming from and why I didn't want you to feel annoyed? Sure, have that conversation. But you have to have the baseline emotional safety and permission for you both to be able to say those things because otherwise you don't have a relationship.

Well, and here's the thing, and I love that you brought that point up. If somebody says, are you annoyed? Just be honest with me, tell me the truth. Then as Brooke said, you've got to be willing to hear the answer. And they say, yes, actually, I kind of am annoyed. And then you say, help me understand how I have annoyed you. How does this show up for you? And in that question being asked, it's going to help us see that, like the triggers and within all of us that have gotten pushed and some. Most of them, you're going to find you're not responsible for. Yeah, that's the funny part. Oh, wow. I see. I couldn't have done anything with that. And I now understand why you got fired off. Right. That it brings us ironically closer together. That's why I say if you don't have a working acumen and a relationship with yourself, longevity is really difficult. As we face and the challenges of the ups and downs of life. If we're in pretend and illusion and I'm negating myself, I'm going to get angry and resentful. And I don't feel like there's a place for me to have those conversations either, because I won't say so. When somebody asks me, are you annoyed? I go, oh, no, no, I'm fine. And inside I'm steaming. Or the inverse of, yeah, I really am annoyed. And then I take it personal. I go, oh, my God, my relationship's over. No, it's not over. There's something you need to understand there. And the next best question you could ask is, help me understand why you're feeling annoy right now. Help me understand that about you. I won't be able to do that and not take it personal if I'm relying on you for the validation. I need to learn how to give to myself. I have no relationship with myself or place to stand on. And 99.9% of all relationships deal existing in this space. And that's why the need for separation in space is very high. Because I don't understand how important it is for me to have the ability to come home to myself when I need to. In these places of fear or confusion or uncertainty or emotional turmoil, I need to get clear about myself first. And then I need to be able to give myself permission to advocate and express that. And then I need to be able to give that same permission to my partner and be able to absorb it and understand it instead of defend my point of view. And that is why we say here at Stacy Bartley, the communication piece that we're all trying to get better at is actually the pursuit of understanding, not who's right and who's wrong. Because when you really think about it, there is nobody who's right and wrong unless we're judging ourselves and each other and unless we're hiding behind defensiveness and that I'm blaming you as you blame me.

So I think it's fair to say in this whole space and separation conversation, which we've been on for quite a while now, that if we just think space and separation will do its thing and then we'll come back together without everything that you just very succinctly describe what's required to take advantage of it and have something different, then, yes, it's the classic definition of insanity. You're thinking, just because we've taken time and space, we're going to come back together, everything will be fine. I mean, come on, there's. That's the best definition of insanity I've ever heard in my life. No, it will not. So the gift is the realization that someone realized, whichever person, partner, husband, wife, spouse, whatever, realized they couldn't continue on. That's the gift. That's what we say is the gift. Now it's up to us to decide what we're going to do with this gift. And changes absolutely have to be made, no question. Otherwise we are fooling ourselves. That's just pure delusion right there.

Yeah, you're still living and selecting illusion as opposed to truth, being rooted in the reality and truth of what is.

Just wanted to do.

Just so we're not trying to play both.

Yeah, that's the bottom line. I just want everyone to realize that if we are living in that space where we do not have the permission and safety to be who we are and feel what we feel and voice that to our partners, then we don't have the permission to be ourselves. And nobody can live in a house or a relationship where you don't have the permission to be you you like. That is what is killing you. If you constantly have to monitor every, like, word you say or reaction you have because there's so many triggers and you don't have the permission to talk about them or figure them out. That is not sustainable or possible to live in that situation.

Well, I think, to be fair, there are a certain number of couples that are living in that place, and it's very difficult. Difficult, yeah.

And they're wondering. They're wondering why they're breaking down and why it sucks so much. That's why. Because you simply don't have the permission to be you, which should be a very fundamental, basic thing that you're allowed to be in your relationship. But we put ourselves in these places where we really cannot, and that's not sustainable.

It's a very different era now. We can choose many different outer men now. So, I mean, there's just many reasons why it's a different game. It is.

I just want to point out too that even though I may want to have permission to feel the way I feel and think the way I think, and I might be fighting for this on my relationship, remember the other side of that. I also have to be receptive to how my partner feels and what they need as well. And I need to step out of my defensiveness there and be able to find a place to understand them, knowing and reassuring myself that what they have to say is not contagious and it's not my fault, it's just my opportunity to understand. That's the window of opportunity. I have to truly understand what they're saying. And when they share it with you, believe them, take it to heart and get more curious about it, dive deeper into it. Because I see this, we might get good at one side of how that door flies open and closed. I really want the permission to be me and I'm demanding it. And I'm trying to create hard line boundaries in order to make that happen. But the reality is when the truth starts coming from the other side, I shut it down because of the places that I go and the emotions that it brings up in me. Just know the emotions that are coming up in me are mine. That's showcasing places where you get stuck, fired off, you feel less than you know. There's things for you to uncover in that place. So let's talk about how I deal with the emotions that are inevitably going to come up in this place and give you some help and support in navigating through them. As we wrap up this episode, I want to first just. Just extend some compassion because I want you to know we're taught to repress what it is we feel. Something about stepping into our thoughts and feelings is not something that we all learned. We're getting better at it, but still it's something that is very much in a place where we repress what it is we're thinking and feeling. And so we instead numb out, distract, and avoid them altogether. Which is why we are desperate for the validation from others in the first place, because I don't know how to give it to myself. This is also why many of us live within the clutches of anxiety, depression and chronic pain, both physically and emotionally. It's because I don't know how to step into my emotions and that it's okay and safe for me to go there. Our emotions are not who. Who you are. That's important for you to understand that distinction. Just because I'm feeling something, shame, guilt, remorse, regret, anger, like I want to really give it to you right now. It is not who I am. It is what I'm feeling in this moment. And you'll come to learn that emotions are kind of like little children. They want your attention right now, and then they flit off and they change into something else. They are too, our internal guide guidance system. And that's an important message. They have important messages for you and they're needing to be understood, questioned, and then allowed to flow through you. Otherwise they get all hung up and bottled up in there. And I call that emotional constipation, which, by the way, is a really thing, a real thing. As our internal world, we really do shape our realities from the emotions that I experience. And so it's important that we understand how to do that emotional digestion that works like this. The first thing I'm going to encourage you to do is name your emotions. Why? Because this separates them from you. It's just a feeling I'm having. It's not who I am that's important. Number two, I want you to explore that emotion. Like what are the thoughts I had that led to this emotion? Or what did you just say that actually spiraled me off into this place? Or what is it that I'm most afraid you will say? Those are going to highlight places where I want to develop a working acumen within me. As you do this, you will begin to see what triggers you and what it is that's firing you off. Next is I ask you to ask yourself, what is it I'm hearing or making up as true right now, in this moment? Moment. Because we make up a lot of things based on a word, a picture, an assumption. Remember what assumptions are. Assumptions are things that I believe to be valid and true that I never vet out. And I stack on those as though they are the truth. And that has me showing up in my relationship differently. And then the last thing I'm going to invite you to do is accept the way that you feel and allow yourself to go quiet in a place where you can be with them and it's from this place. Then you can ask what it is that I want or what is it I need to do in order to feel just a little bit better right now. And when you don't try and change your emotions, you'll find that you can relax within them and the answers and solutions and remedies that you need will emerge as I sit in it and then I can take action from there. Once I get a remedy, something happens I want. We spend way too much time and what I don't want way too much time. And the more I sit there, the more I feel less than the more I self deprecate myself, the more invalidated I feel. I can ask a question, I can vet it out, I can help me understand where you're coming from. This is where I'm coming from. These are the things that we need to embark on in understanding the emotional experiences we have as a human human being. And then ultimately I want you to give yourself that permission we've highlighted today to feel the way you feel and think the way you think and then know that you can decide and choose what's next. Just because I feel like I want to slash your tires and punch you in the face right now doesn't mean I'm going to do. Just means, oh wow, if I really am thinking about doing that, I must be really upset. What am I upset about and what do I need to do about it? It? Do I need to tell you why I'm upset? Do I need to ask for something that I need? If I allow it, those answers will come. So instead of repressing them and doing some of those things, I would suggest that you do this. This is how we stay rooted in ourselves. When you're being accused, especially of something that you know and feel like you didn't do, I want you to remember your good intentions throughout the relationship. Continue to observe and be self reflective, which by the way, you might need some skills and practice to do. Being self reflective is knowing that you're on solid ground. You told me that I'm a liar. You told me that I'm abusive. Okay, where might that be true? That would be a better place for you to go than defending it. And then you have to be careful because there's a line that you're going to cross where you go, oh my gosh, I'm an abuser, I'm a toxic person. Nobody is ever gonna love me. No, that's not worth saying either. If it is something that I do, I can say yes. And then Commit to myself how I'm going to do it differently when I feel this emotion. And then you can let it go, move on. That's how we become better versions of ourselves. If it's no, I don't do that, I know I don't do that, I've never known myself to do that. I can let it go from the get go and this is how we have to start ruddering ourselves. But this is something nobody can give you. You, this is something that only you can give yourself. And if I'm not willing to go there, I'm going to default to you. Always choosing the movie or making the dinner or expressing your emotions. While I sit quiet, you can start to see why it is as human beings we're going to break down and become a shell of ourselves. And I promise you, the intelligence that you are is never going to stand for it because you have way more capacity and way more capability and way more value than the way that you're holding yourself right here, right now, today. And it's going to come looking for you. It's going to challenge you, it's going to create a catalytic event where, okay, you don't want to do this just like it did for me, then watch this. Let me show you something. If you don't start taking steps towards becoming and connecting with who it is you have the capacity to be that, I'm going to make sure I escalate the pain to the degree that I will finally get your attention attention. And that's what happens for us. And if by chance you're in a place where somebody is accusing you of doing terrible things and being a person that you don't feel like you are, it's important more now than ever that you find this place inside of yourself. And if you need help with this, it's really important that you get support. Because this can be a place of tremendous personal dismantling. And so for this reason, reason we offer love and limbo sessions and we offer a 30 day cohort process where we walk with you every day for 30 days to help you learn and understand what it's like and feels like to come home to yourself and to finally find a peace and a confidence inside of yourself to navigate life. It's work that we're passionate about. And if you want more details and dates and times of when these two things start, the sessions, which is one night, and the 30 day roadmap, which is 30 days, you can go to my website@stacybartly.com and you can find all the updated information that you need there. I recommend the statement of truth is for all of you. If somebody is accusing you of doing something, a great place to begin is this. I'm sorry you see me in that light. That's not my intention. And what I would like is for us to find our way back to the good that we once had. And you're not going to say anything else. And that alone will begin to root you inside of what it is, you know to be say that one more time of yourself. Yep.

So if someone is, I'm sorry you.

Feel that way about me. That's not my intention. I hope that as we come home to ourselves or that we get rooted in ourselves, or I hope that we can find our way back to the good that we've experienced in our relationship. That's what I'm about. And you're going to leave it at that. You've acknowledged that they've said what they've said. You're not going to explain it away and invalidate yourself and start digging in that hole. And you're simply going to plant your flag in a place where I can then advocate for what it is I see and hope is possible for us. The good, not the problem, not what you did or said. That really ticked me off too. No, you want to advocate for the. The good.

How many emotional push ups would it take the average person before we could reply when we've been triggered off the you know what? In a similar vein of what you just shared right there. Are we talking maybe at the end of the roadmap you might be able.

To reply that way? Absolutely. Well, even in the roadmap, you're only talking about a week or two. Once you get the concept, you realize it's a much easier path than what you're doing. I mean, Bricky kind of highlighted at the beginning of the show eloquently about all the bandwidth and all the emotions, emotional effort and energy that we expend and spinning there, when really I just have to say, geez, I'm sorry that's the way you feel about me. And I want to advocate for the good in us because we hear all.

Three of us here so often. It's some version of the Stacy esque. This way that Stacy says things, you.

Know, can you write. Can you say that slower? I want to write that down. I wish someone said, I wish that was. I wish that was recorded.

I wish you were in my ear when I got triggered and I was trying to respond to my partner. But you Guys, you have to realize it's the. These are the reps that you hear all of us talk about. It really is. If you have a physical practice, you should really resonate. It's no different. Think how hard and awkward you felt going through your first practice of some new, say, routine, whether whatever routine, gymnast, basketball, CrossFit, running, or even, like, doing.

An icebreaker at, like, a networking group or something.

Yes, exactly.

So they just flow out of Stacy. You have to realize she's done these hundreds of thousands of times. It will start to roll off of us when we have a few of the reps to replace. Some of the things we've always said we have to just replace them. And I think you would agree those weren't fancy words that Stacy used. That's like I always remind people, we don't use fancy words. We may use them in a sequence of which you've not used them before. Yeah, but the good news is they're not fancy and they're easy to understand, but they're simply in a sequence that's going to render a much different result for you and whomever you're sharing them with. It's really that simple. Which is great news. And that can be learned by anybody. They really can.

Yeah. As we like to say, love is not for the chosen few. No, it is for those who are willing to roll up their sleeves and learn the principles that govern it. And on that note, I'm going to leave you with this thought. Learning and connecting with the value of oneself is the best, most incredible gift that you can give, not only to yourself, but to others. Because it is from this place that you're going to be able to express how you feel and allow someone to do the same. And without it, you won't be able to do it. You're going to be too eager to get their attention and their validation so that you can be right and feel good enough and. Or I'm going to step into defensiveness when they're trying to share about their peace and perspective that needs to be laid to rest. And the only way I can do that is knowing that I'm okay within me. I know of no other way, otherwise I'd give it to you. So let's step into a little bit of fun. I had this actually suggested by one of our roadmappers who I just. I was delighted at their share where they said, I used to walk around the world and I used to see all the darkness and the lack of love and connection and everything that seems scary to me. And then I decided to challenge myself. And instead, when I walked around those same places, look for evidence of love and goodness and kindness and empathy. What she shared with us was lots of sidewalk art that she was finding as she was looking for different things. And there was beautiful hearts on the walls and sidewalks and messages of empathy and cheer and kindness. And she took some pictures of that and shared it with us in our roadmap, which was so incredible. And I want to give that to you as our follow. The fun this week, it's is step out into your own community with different eyes. And I promise you, what you're gonna find are different things. What if you were to step out and find love in the world? Connection, kindness, compassion. In fact, you're earnestly searching for it just like you would search for your keys. I'm just sure it's here. Now let me go find them. And you know what? I promise you will. And when you do, I wanna encourage you to email us. Reach out to us either through our website or loveacbartly.com and share with us what you saw. And I promise we'll post it, we'll talk about it, we'll share it. Because as we look for the things that we think we're going to see, we generally find them.

That reminds me of my grandma sue, my dad's mom. I always remember she said two things. One was she loved to pay for the people behind her at tolls, and so I love doing that too. And number two is she said when she was driving as a passenger and she would remember it, she would always visualize beau beautiful pink ribbons of love flowing out of her car and going into the world. And I think that's another thing we can do. We can send love out to people that we know need it, especially right now in the world.

Absolutely. And you know what? I believe a note makes a difference. You know, I can't tell you how many times I've done that. And then I get a call from the person that I'm thinking about. It's amazing how that works. The song selected for today is Celine Dion. It's all Coming back to Me. And this is an old song, but it's a song about how she was bitter when things went awry in her relationship life and how she decided to cast it all aside as terrible and awful and tragic and traumatic. And then the song circles back to I'm coming home. And I'm coming back to me now because I'm remembering. No, there were good things and wonderful moments and things that I cherished. And I'm starting to remember the best parts of me. And I'm starting to remember the best parts of us. It's a beautiful song, an oldie, but a good. I think it very much speaks to the heart of what it is we're trying to communicate with you today. Is this tough and hard? Hell, yes, it is. I don't negate that. Is there a better way through it? Yes. And that better way is finding a place within you that feels good and true and right. And remember, you are good enough, regardless of the things that you've done. Why? Because you can always become a better version of yourself each and every day.

And I would just add, remember, we're not at all saying that potentially this is not going to work. But a better you is absolutely going to make a better relationship. There's no question about it. That's why it's really a win win. It's a better you, a better version of yourself. However this goes is going to go better than how you were probably originally going to. To step into this place.

And Dad, I know you're saying that because a lot of people think, well, I can tell my relationship isn't going to work, so why the hell am I going to sign up for the roadmap or come to 11 limbo session if it's just going down the drain because of what dad just said? If you don't, you're going to end up in a very similar relationship with a different person because you are bringing you to the table. And if you don't work on the things that cause a problem in your current relationship, they're going to show up in your next one.

Hey, you know what, babe? What if when I came out of my relationship with Troy, I decided that I was done and that I was just this. This not good enough person and version. And what would have happened if I would have just begged you to please love me and accept me and take me in and it had been a.

Very short courtship, wasn't looking for a project when I made the most difficult decision. As I share often on my clarity calls to, to when Brooke's mom and I decided we weren't gonna stay together husband and wife, I said, look, I. I want to have someone that really, really understands what it is. I'm after what she's after. And let's see how good we can create something like two people that have spent a lot of time understanding who they are and the. And committed to their best version of themselves and then from that place, what would be possible?

And I. I feel like. And as I look back, especially, I've learned so much since then. But in that moment, I was very confident inside of myself that I was very clear about what I was okay with and not okay with at that point in time in my life, which I just find interesting.

Me too.

Well, and I just want to point out mom, too, is joking about that. But it also is extremely true that a lot of us do come out of relationships battered and broken and feel like we're never going to love again. And we do believe that about ourselves. But what we don't realize is that we are asking our partners most of the time to pick us up and make us whole again. And that is a project, and it's an impossible project. So you're going into the relationship, sabotaging it on the front end without even realizing. Realizing it. So why wouldn't you want to take the time to make yourself whole again so that you could have the best possible relationship that could be? I think a lot of times we believe we're not worth it. We only believe we're worth it if.

We have a partner, somebody that is going to accept me if I can pull it together. And I just want to say, I know these always spiral thoughts, but, yeah, it is others who very often inspire us to address things inside of ourselves. If it's just about me doing it for me, then that's not as attractive. But if you tell me I get to have that, then okay, I'm in. And that's why often we'll do it for others at the potential possibility of creating a relationship with somebody else. But if that goes away, then I don't have any more motivation to do it for me. And I'm going to say in this moment, come on, do it for you yourself.

Yes.

For maybe the first time in your whole life, for goodness sakes, do it for yourself. Let the motivation come from that place, and I promise it will change your life. No doubt about it.

And if you need some support, this is exactly what we're doing. We're going through a great first cohort of 20, 24. If you're listening live, our next one is February 25th. This is a kickoff call. So.

And we're going to have them throughout.

The year right now.

Yeah, so we're going to have them throughout the year. So if you have a time and place where you feel like you've got the space to kind of roll up your sleep leaves and do a deep dive into you we'd love to have you join us. And if you want to put a toe in the water in regards to what that's all about, what that looks like, you can always sign up for a session for one evening to explore it. All right, that's a wrap for today. Thanks for being here. I know this was a big conversation. I think in listening to us, you've probably done about 50 burpees. It's a tough one to wrap our head around sometimes and it's going to bring some things to light that maybe are difficult to see. And it does take a lot of courage to start going, oh yeah, I do that. Oh yeah. Or I've been there. I've done that too. But you know what? I want you to know that's how we get better. That's exactly how we get better. And you know what? There's nothing more beautiful than you becoming you. And how do we get there step by step? There's no race. There's always time. There's plenty of opportunities to practice and create do overs. You don't have to have this all figured out today. You just need to decide. I'm going to take the first step up and the rest will take care of itself. So send you off with tons of love and a big squeeze through the universe. Thanks for being here and listening and we look forward to being back here with you next week for another episode of Love Shack Live. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door. Door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

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