#165: Feeling Alone Together: How Unspoken Expectations Are Speaking Volumes in Your Relationship

Are you waking up each day feeling like you're walking on eggshells? Sharing a home but not a life with your partner. It's a reality many of us face. Welcome to Love Shack. Live a beacon of hope for those of us navigating through this crossroads. Craving a connection that feels true and heartfelt, yet often seems obscured by the silent weight of unspoken expectations. I'm Stacey Bartley and I'm here with my co host and lover Tom and our beautiful daughter Brooke. Together we dive into the essence of relationships, guiding you from the shadows of the unsaid to a bond built on mut mutual understanding and deep intimacy. In this episode, we're unfolding layers of unvoiced agreements, silently shaping our relationships. The hurt from what's left unsaid, the expectations nestled close to the hearts yet never shared. These are the silent forces we confront. Today. We delve into the delicate dance of silent agreements, revealing their formation, the divides they create. And the journey towards expressing our innermost needs and desires are at the heart of it all. Also highlighting the critical role of emotional safety today, crafting a sanctuary where our hearts are open and communication can flow more freely. It's time to turn the silence that separates us into dialogues that unite us, showcasing the strength of empathy and understanding and reuniting the love that first brought us together. Embark with us as we traverse the silent corridors of love and expectation, illuminating the path to a relationship that's enriched with laughter, love and the profound comfort of truly knowing and being known by your partner.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Today's episode was actually inspired by a Roadmap member that basically, after working diligently to uncover some of the unspoken agreements in her relationship, had this to say. The further we get into agreements and commitments, the more that I realize our interpretations of them have really held so much power over a relationship. Not only on the big obvious things like marriage and pets, etc. But also on the background things that felt implied. I think we both went into this with the idea that being married meant certain things and that those things were being committed to us when we got married, but because they were more subconscious, they were never really communicated and when they weren't met, we felt resentful or unloved. For example, I think my husband went into our marriage thinking he'd be taken care of in a lot of ways. Cleaning, cooking, etc because his grandmother had always taken care of him that way and when he was growing up even. And I went into the marriage thinking that we'd be more of a partnership on chores and finances because, well, that's how I learned. We had conversations over time about these responsibilities, but since I think we were missing the unconscious expectations part, or at least it seemed, it felt like we were never really getting through to each other or making any progress. None of these implied commitments were really deal breakers on their own, but I think they build up. The unmet expectations over time really took a toll on the way that we interacted and we started to feel like the other didn't understand or care. And I can now see how these things are still showing up for us today as we're navigating where we stand and what the future looks like. I really hope now that we can start to renegotiate the things that aren't working. And there is an unspoken expectation in all of our relationships when we stop to think about it. There's this assumption when we make commitments about how we think it's going to go and what this person means to me. We've made up a lot of things in our dialogue about co creating with each other. And yet when it comes down to it, a lot of these same things that we don't realize we're assuming or expecting from these commitments we make, we don't ever dive deeper into. And so a lot of the details of it or the specifics of it don't ever get talked about. We keep talking about the broad aspects of a commitment and you can see our partners go, yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel the same. But when it comes down to the specifics and the nitty gritty in regards to what that commitment truly means to us and the little nuances of getting those expectations met, those are the unspoken expectations that are often not uncovered in our relationship. And over time, it is why so many of us are frustrated at the end of the day feeling like now you're being malicious or unkind. Another roadmapper had this to say in response to the post that I just shared you. She said over time it was like, why are you so much like your awful mother and not like my perfect mom? We're all coming at these things from a narrative of experiences that sometimes we don't even realize are running the expectations or assumptions behind it all. And all we know to do is, you're showing up a lot like this person that I am uncomfortable with. Why are you doing that? See, this is your fault. You're the problem. You're the person to blame. Why can't you be like where I come from and do it like this, but we really don't even have the wherewithal, the understanding to even have such conversations. And so unfortunately, when I feel like my needs aren't met, we start blaming our partners. We start assuming and making up that they don't care. And we might even start like setting up little tests for them and taking things personal. And so I really want to dive into this conversation today because at the heart of the matter, especially when we don't understand agreements and commitments, this information usually turns on a lot of like, ahas in our minds because they are running so unconscious most of the time. And we really don't know how to talk about them or bring them up or even why I'm feeling the way that I feel until we start to uncover agreements and commitments and how they show up and work in our lives. And as we move into what I want to share next, this last person that I want to highlight here in the roadmap about this same comment has said, I felt my needs weren't met because I was always blamed by my partner for not caring. And now I understand that my partner, not caring, was feeling the very same way. We could never figure out how to fix our problems. We kept going in circles and after each argument it became more and more and more toxic. And this is what happens with those unspoken agreements. Okay? We start labeling each other, we provide each other with exhaustive lists of demands and expectations and nothing seems to work. So I want to explore how these expectations form and why partners might hesitate to voice them. Right. These are becoming uncomfortable places in us at this point in time in our relationships typically. And again, we don't know where to look and we certainly don't know how to talk about it. I just know that by the way you're showing up, I am frustrated because my assumptions and my expectations, those are my words, are not being met. But all it feels like for the person going through it is this slow grade burn of unsettling emotion.

Well, and this is why a lot of times people ask for space in relationships because they're like, I've tried everything, I've told you over and over again what my needs are and you still aren't showing up for me. And I have to take a break from this relationship. Another thing is, I think a lot of times people in long term relationships don't think they need commitments or agreements because those are taken care of. Because by the fact that they're married to each other, they're committed because they're married to each other. So they don't need commitments or agreements because they have the big one. And I think what our roadmapper so eloquently illustrated is that there are so many agreements in every relationship and so many agreements that happen every single day that we just take for granted and they're just happening inside your head or you and your partners have this rhythm and you don't realize it's actually an agreement. And also there are so many things you wish that they would do, but we don't ever say them and we just think they're not doing it. They must not love me.

And I would say to stack on what Brooke said is they're not static. They're very, very fluid because we're changing and we're moving and it's very dynamic. So the thought that we, like you just said, we did that, we had that ceremony, we took care of all that. Check that box. Nothing could be further from the truth. So this is a very, very fluid and dynamic situation. You're approaching it from a very static place. Hence why there's so much problems and issues around it.

Yeah. So why don't we voice these expectations?

Because we don't want to be needy.

Yes.

And I don't think we know how.

Absolutely don't know how. We don't even know where to look sometimes. Like I said, sometimes we're not even aware that this might be something to even reflect on. I just know that it's showing up for me as a slow grade burn of frustration, maybe anger, maybe resentment, maybe def.

Well, when you told me what the six pillars were for Our Better Love Club and one of them was agreements, I didn't even know what that meant. And I had been working.

You're part of. You're the bot family.

I had been working with you for like eight years at that point. But once I understood, I was like, oh, duh, of course I know what agreements are, but I just think it's such a foreign word that we use to work on our relationships. And like the roadmap or illustrated, there are so many agreements every single day framed by what we think a relationship is. We both have different ideas about what a relationship is. And my agreements that I want are sometimes different, sometimes they're similar. But if we don't talk about those, then we're going to feel unsatisfied in our relationship. And when you taught that to me, it was mind blowing. And I'm sure a lot of our listeners are having a similar feeling. Like, whoa, I didn't even know that this concept existed. But I Feel like it explains so much of the dissonance and the unsettled feelings that we have in our marriages or relationships.

Yeah. And I think what we don't realize is that the agreements or the commitments we think we have that are very broad in scope, we don't realize and understand that our partners probably have, like you said, a very different view of those. And yet we continue to talk about them, very platitudish, broad spectrum terms without realizing, oh, see, connection for me or spending time with for me are these very specific things. And we don't ever look into the very specific things. It's making me think of another roadmap or who shared G Stace. This relationship stuff requires a lot of self reflection. And I went, yeah, it does. Like every day. Like every day. Because every day I'm having to show up and every day I'm needing to be clear, clear about me, my piece. And every day I'm needing to check in with my partner. Right. We are literally in the mode of co creation every day. And I think sometimes we don't wrap our head around that. Like relationships provide us wonderful things, but there is an effort and energy just like our lives overall, our physical spaces, our physical bodies, our money, our children, our pets, all of those things that we hold dear. There is an investment into them every day. And I think we don't understand what that investment is until we start to understand a agreements. Oh, okay, I get it.

I'm just thinking of a simple example. Like, okay, I don't work outside of the home, I work inside the home. But I work a full time job, probably more than full time. And I also do all the cooking. So in an ideal world, I would do all the cooking and Jack would just do the dishes. But you know, I think, okay, I did the cooking. Like I deserve to sit on the couch and have someone take the dishes and bring it in the kitchen and do that. And that should just happen. That doesn't happen unless we have a conversation about it and then we have an agreement. Because on the other side, Jack is thinking, I spend 11 hours every day outside of the house and Brooke is at home typing on her computer, getting to hang out with the dog all day. I wish I was there. So he's like, I really appreciate you cooking for me, babe. Thanks so much. And sometimes he'll take the dishes and sometimes I will take them because I've never asked him for that agreement. You know, some people would be like, oh no, Brooke should not be doing the dishes. Sometimes he doesn't if I ask, but it's not a set it and forget it type of thing in other relationships. I know it is. And that works for people where someone cooks and someone does the dishes and that is their agreement. But I'm just saying, if I had that expectation in my mind, I would be really disappointed because it's not what's happening in my house. But also, I have really no right to be disappointed because I've never asked for that, you know, And I'm busting.

At the seams to just. I know your dad pretty intimately, and I know that that is very much a principle that you were raised with. If somebody does the cooking and I'll step in and do the dishes. So you can see where you might be influenced by. Yeah, you might believe, well, that's that if you want.

That's how it should go.

Care about me, then that's how it should go. I mean, that's how I was raised. That's where I come from. From. That's proper protocol.

That's how it's been my entire life. But I am very thankful that Jack allows me to have this wonderful position where I get to work from home, because I don't make as much money as him. So, you know, there are some sacrifices that are made in our house where I get to have this privilege to do this. So I'm happy to do the dishes if he doesn't feel like it or if he's had an exceptionally exhausting day or any of those things. But I could take it terribly, and I could be like, I can't fucking believe I'm bringing the dishes to the sink again because he's sitting on his ass in there. You know, like, that's how I could think of it, because we truly, really haven't ever had that conversation. But because I feel this way, and I'm very thankful for the life that I get to live, I don't have those thoughts, but I very easily could. And the only person I would have to blame is me, because I've never asked him to make that agreement with me. And I think that's a very simple example. The point is, there's so many little circumstances like that that happen in our everyday life that can chip away at the emotional safety in our relationship. And we have not asked ourselves, hey, have we made that agreement?

Have I expressed that this is what it is and asked for it?

Yeah.

And just because I have doesn't mean it's going to happen. We have to have a conversation on the other side and so other reasons why we don't uncover these things is we avoid the fighting about it because we know it's actually breaking us apart every time I try and bring it up because I don't have the know how or even what really is going on. I wouldn't think of it in terms of agreements. I wouldn't think of it in terms of I'm making a lot of assumptions and expectations around whatever the topic might be that this is what's causing a problem, but it really is. And then what happens is I start to take things exceptionally personal and I start making up meaning about that. Just as Brooke was saying, I could start making up meaning behind the fact that you don't clean up the dishes, so therefore you don't appreciate me cooking. Maybe I start making up you don't like my cooking. Or maybe I start making up that you're taking me for granted. Or maybe this is a sign that you don't really want to be in this relationship or you're not interested in me anymore and we can go places with eating and dishes and household chores or intimacy or how we do anything, quite frankly, and we start making up meaning behind everything that I expect you should just know and do. But it's not happening. And that is a problem. That is a big problem. Because the minute I make that up, I'm going to show up in the relationship congruent to what I believe to be true, even though it might be an expectation or assumption that's based on a faulty premise. Maybe it's something like Brooke highlighted. I've said maybe I've asked for, but I've asked for it in a very derogatory manner. I've demanded it, I've manipulated it, I've coerced it. I've given you a long, lengthy list about what it is you need to do to pull your shit together. Because you're the problem in this relationship. And we don't understand how that affects the emotional nuances of our relationship. So the other side might be also possible where instead of me getting more and more pushy and bossy and malicious about what I'm making up to be true, so I push and I force more. What I do instead is I go along with what you want and I start to second guess myself and I doubt myself and that I really don't know what I want. We're just going to do it your way. Go ahead. Just because I want to avoid the fight. I really don't know what else to do. And here I want to Just point out that you've lost your voice and resentment and anger is brewing inside. Even though you're trying to be very sweet and pleasing and going along on the front side, there's a whole lot brewing on the inside. And from time to time, you're going to lose your shit. It's just the way it's going to go. Like you're not going to be able to hold it forever and always. And then I feel bad about that and then I find myself apologizing when I was really trying to communicate what it is I wanted. And so then we loop back into me just trying to get comfortable with what I'm not comfortable with at all. And the consequences of not addressing these silent agreements throws off things like, I feel entitled to be the boss. I feel entitled to talk for you. I feel entitled to tell you what you feel or what you need. I'm pushing, I'm coercing, I'm fixing you. I'm turning you into a project that needs to be dealt with. Or on the other side, I lose my voice. I believe you're malicious and you're intentional about what you're doing. And I don't have to go very far these days to start diagnosing you. So when I feel like you're being intentional and malicious, I can find a lot of support on the Internet, Dr. Google, and heaven only knows, the thousands or tens of thousands of other platforms that will allow you to do a little quiz or a little personality test or something that will help me find answers to what I perceive as going on. Because you're not getting it from your partner. That's your first sign that you're not getting the real deal, that you're jumping to conclusions and assumptions and diagnoses that if we were to maybe dive a little deeper into, you would find don't apply. Because if I'm looking for ways you're malicious intentionally because of the emotional pain that I'm feeling, I can extract all kinds of things that make sense to me in my own narrative.

So let's say your partner isn't taking the dishes at night and you're just exhausted and at your wits end. And you're like, I cook this whole freaking nice meal and you can't even take the dishes. But that's not what you say out loud. You're just thinking that in your brain. So then that keeps happening over and over and over again. And then you find little other ways where they're doing similar things. And then you're like, okay, well I Think my partner's a narcissist. So you go and take the test and they meet all the boxes, and then you start showing up as if your partner is a narcissist, and you shut down and you don't really put any effort in the relationship anymore. What's gonna happen? You're gonna. You're gonna separate from each other. And all of that was based on one person's experience and no conversation was had about it. That's what happens in so many relationships.

Yes, absolutely. I become more and more defensive and manipulative myself because of what I perceive you are doing to me. An attempt to defend myself. And I'm looking for answers as well. And I can pull all kinds of things that are going to make sense to me. As I like to say, we can validate anything. We can find proof and evidence of anything. But are we talking about it? Are we sharing it?

Can I just say one thing? I feel like I'm being a little harsh right now. I have to be honest with you. I've had anxiety today. I'm a little bit hormonal. But I'm not being harsh on anyone who's feeling this way. I'm just wanting to point out that I have done this too. We are all human here. And I'm not trying to say if this is the thought that you're having or the path that you've gone down that there's something wrong with you. No, it's very natural to feel this way. And you're like, I'm going inside and I'm trying to figure out the answers. Yes, of course you are. We're just trying to illuminate a different way.

I would stack on that, Noberg. I think that's exactly right. What's most I think, amazing about this is everything that just Brooke described is you feel very justified and very. I am on solid ground here. This is the part that should be most eye opening for you. We are not at all like, we all do this. I am in such in the right here. And they have this coming. And I'm even going soft here, like, so there's plenty of justification. All we're trying to impress upon you is there's a much more effective way to navigate this. That's what I'm just trying to share with you because we work with people all the time that are in this place and it's just not gotten them too far.

And it makes perfect sense. When you think about it this way. I get why it makes perfect sense, but you're missing the whole separate part of the equation which is what is going on in your partner's mind.

And so you have to get really good at asking for the intelligence tell. That's really what that's really, you know.

Yeah, it's true. Unspoken agreements create expectations and relationships that then affects how we show up as a person. And this is often unconscious until we intentionally explore it. That's just true for all of us. Heck, I can look back in previous relationships and see me doing it. Oh gosh.

Yeah.

So it's a place that we're going to go if we don't know to go and look somewhere else. And so that's why in the roadmap this is often a very eye openening experience and conversation because it's a. In a conversation that we don't entertain anywhere else. Where do we learn after all about relationships and the principles that rudder them and the agreements that are unspoken which create this undertow in our relationships. What we're picking from is our families of origin or our culture or our religion. And we feel like, because this is what I know, we step into relationships with the best of intentions and don't realize that there is a whole unspoken place that we're expecting, we're on the same page with that starts to then play out in our day to day relationship. Once we start to co create with each other and we don't ever vet that out, we actually get more upset and defensive and assumptive about it without saying hey, you know what? I think this is how this is supposed to be done. Do you see that differently? And if so, tell me about it. And here's where the co creation really begins. Because it's not necessarily the way you were raised or where you come from or what you're making up works for you, but also your person too. There's this place where you take a little piece of me and a little piece of you and then we get to decide what works for us regardless of where we come from. There's going to be a new hybrid that is created and that's why we say and stand behind. A great relationship works for the two people and if it works for us, it's great. Regardless of what its components are. Who, who cares? I don't need anybody to weigh in on this unless it's work for us. And what we find often in partnering and this idea of co creation is that we are not even sure it works for us because we're not talking about the co creation part, we're just assuming that it's supposed to go a certain way without saying, now, hold on, timeout. This is the way I'm thinking this should go. What are you thinking? So that we can have a conversation about that and come up with an agreement that works for us both.

Would you say a large percent of the private clients that you have don't really have any defined agreements laid out?

100%. If they do, it's around monogamy. That's the big one. If we're married, then everybody knows you're not supposed to be having sex and fooling around with nobody else.

But that's it.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. When it comes to money and how the kids are going to be raised and how we're going to clean the house and how we're going to deal with a lot of little nuances of our life, there's no conversation about those things. We're all just kind of doing our assumptions or we want to do our way in secret. And that's where a lot of broken agreements happen. Because you're saying, please, can we do it this way? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. And then inside I'm going, yeah, there's an approach chance in hell I'm doing that. I'm going to do it my way. I'm going to do it my way. And that's where we start to have these little undertows of small betrayals popping up, up. It would be better for you to say, I have no intentions of doing it that way. At least there wouldn't be the betrayal, maybe the disappointment, but not the feelings of emotional betrayal. And we think that we're actually doing a favor to our relationships, but because we don't understand the principles that govern relationships, we're actually dismantling them in little teeny tiny bite sized chunks. Right. So it's important for us to realize that these silent agreements are often not talked about. And if they are, we handle them like it's a, this is it forever and always. And that's not going to work either. We're not going to get this done. And, and when we work with our roadmappers, they feel like there's something to fix and then once they get it fixed and handled, they're good to go. Or even in our private clients, we're just going to work on our relationship right now and then we're good to go without realizing. And I'm laughing out of the precious naivety of that because you're going to be co creating for the rest of your life. And if you want this relationship to last the long haul, there is no set it and forget it. As I change as a human being and you change as a human being, what we're faced with changes, right? Circumstantially. We add a child or two or three. We go through some financial bumps or opportunities and growth. We approach retirement and our body's age. There's so many little nuances that can affect our lives, lives. And yet we hold these conversations around agreements and commitments as though it's a one and done. We've got it handled without realizing those need to change and be reevaluated often because we are changing. And what we're needing to face and navigate through together in our co creation is consistently changing and morphing over time as well. We don't often hold agreements and commitments in that very fluid light. But I want to challenge you to start maybe considering such an idea. These silent agreements do form the common areas and they can show up anywhere in common places. Household responsibilities, emotional support, financial contributions. And just as an example of how they change, our financial contribution has worked great. We've split everything down the middle and I pay for this and you pay for this and then, then you lose your job or somebody gets a pay increase or we decide that we really want to go for something. We want to buy a brand new house or we want to buy a vacation home. And so then we come back to the table and say, well, could you pick up more here so that I can throw more there? These are conversations that don't happen. And then we start to feel stuck because we can't have them or don't know how to have them, or when we try, it doesn't go very well.

Jack and I had an interesting experience yesterday. So we have an uncomfortable bed and we needed to get a mattress topper. Jack sent me two links to two mattress toppers and he's like, hey, here's just quick ones that I found. Would you do some research and pick one for us now? I thought that he wanted me to like research on Google and find the best mattress topper. So that's what I did. I spent about an hour and I looked all around because that's what I' I'm very good at researching on the Internet. And what I didn't realize was that he wanted the specific kind that he sent me. So he sent two like down mattress covers. When I think of mattress covers, I think of memory foam. So that's what I bought us. I was so excited. The mattress topper got delivered yesterday. Took all of our bedding off, and you got to slice it open and let it come to the full size. And I sent him a picture of it. He's like, oh, great, babe. And then, like, two hours later, he was like, I'm sorry to say this, but I'm very disappointed that the mattress topper is foam. And it instantly, like, sucked all of the happiness out of my body. And I was like, what? And he's like, I sent you two that I thought were great. And I'm very confused. He's like, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just really confused why we had a foam one. And I said to him, oh, my God, we really should have communicated more about this, because. And then I said exactly what I just said now. And. And he said, okay, that makes sense. I see why you thought that. And we just had totally different ideas in our heads about what mattress toppers were. And so we didn't make an agreement. I said, I should have come back to you when I picked it out and said, does this look good? But I just assumed that you wanted me to find the best one. And I was like, I gotta talk about this tomorrow on the podcast, because it's such a small little thing. But it really was disappointing for him. And I was disappointed, too, because I wanted him to be so excited about it like I was, so we could have easily avoided that by just talking a little bit more. And that happens so many times a day or the potential for it, you know?

Well, and what about this? Consider this. What if you didn't have the conversation that you just shared with us about. About cleaning it up and vetting it?

Well, in the past, I wouldn't have. And I want to tell you, when I was at home goods buying new sheets because we needed deeper sheets. So when I got out of HomeGoods and I was on my way home, that's when he texted me. So I was, like, on a high from getting nice new sheets. I'm so excited to put these on our bed with our mattress topper. And then he texted me and said he was disappointed. And my first instinct was not to say what I just said. It wasn't to say to have this nice conversation with him and explain my side. It was to be like, what do you mean? I spent all this time looking for one, and you're not even thankful for it.

You know, it would have been a wtf.

Yeah.

And at first, I did say, you're making me depressed. Why are you asking me these questions? Because I didn't understand why he was asking me these questions. I thought he was, like, doubting my ability to pick a good mattress topper, but that's not what he was talking about at all. He was just confused at the type of gripe which, because I spent the time to ask him these questions, we were able to understand where we misunderstood each other.

I would just like to stack on this for us and for the listener I think about Brooke has shared two very relevant and real agreements and misunderstandings or missteps in the agreements around dishes and a mattress pad. So I would just ask you, the listener, where else might you be having not having these conversations around things that are, you could way more important. Yes. Like this is mattress pad and freaking dishes.

But you know what?

They all matter.

It's the little things. It's never the big egregious things. Typically, no. And if the big egregious things do happen, it's because there's been so many little things that we just don't have any more gas in the tank to deal with.

And this could have been a huge fight between us in the past. It would have been been because I would have been like, you're such a dick. Why don't you even care that I spent all this time and I wanted you to be comfortable and I knew your back was hurting, so I picked one that helped with pressure points. I could have said all of that, but instead I was like, oh, my God, I see so clearly what happened. You were thinking that it was this kind. I was thinking it was this kind. And that's it.

Yeah.

Yeah. Often, I mean, just recently, I'm thinking of a client who says, I hear what you're saying and what you're asking, asking me for, but I don't want to be your project. And I just thought so many times our partners can feel like they're a project. But what really is highlighted here is that there's no talk about the agreements in regards to how we're going to co create. One person is running boss while the other one is trying to and is feeling like and is making it up that I keep doing it wrong, that the way I do things is not okay, and there's no room for that. And so I need to make this work for the person who isn't feeling any more satisfied because I'm going along with it, because we're really not talking about those unspoken places. Right. So we do start to feel like a project and we do Feel like a monster, which is what another client said. This relationship is turning me into a monster of myself. And I want you to see that's why it's these things that I say or feel like I express but that still don't get handled. And I can't understand for the life of me. And why you don't understand is because we're not saying how do you think this would be done on your side? How would you like to see this go? And here's what I'm thinking. And now how do we put this together in agreement that serves us best. And listen, it's not always going to be your way. That's not a co creation. You always getting what you want at the expense of your partner is not going to work either that there's going to be places where you're disappointed. It's going to happen. But listen, can you not choose in to experience or give or contribute something to your partner because you say you love them, for example? And this is another little thing, right? Y' all probably know if you're a podcast listener, Stacy likes to dance and Tom doesn't. Right? Until he gets there. In the spirit of full disclosure, right. But imagine me needing to feel like I can never do that again, that because I love my husband, that that has to be a chapter of my life that needs to close because he doesn't like to do that. What else is possible there that, okay, I can limit when I need to go and how I like to go so that I can accommodate you too. But then he can willingly choose in to go and not be a dick when he does go. But try and make it as good of an experience as possible. Now this can be a conversation that we have in intimacy as well, right? I may not want to have sex right now, but because I know it's important to my partner, I can choose into that because I know it's important. Important to you. And yeah, you would probably have it 10 times a day. And I'm willing to do this a couple of times a week or once a week or whatever that is. It's not about the frequency. It's about recognizing and realizing if I'm not going to participate in this and maybe expand my own ability to feel comfortable in my body and work on exploring my intimacy. I'm really asking my partner who, who maybe loves to be more intimate and enjoy sex to go without instead. Is there not a better way? And I would say yes, I could choose in at a place where I'm willing to go Just because it works for my partner, not because it's something I need or maybe even feel like I want to do, but I will do it for you. And this is where our relationships have an expansive quality to it, where just like Tom going dancing, or maybe some of us who are a little uncomfortable with our bodies and intimacy, we're invited to explore beyond what it is we would typically do by ourselves. And I promise you that that is the gift of relationship. Our partners are going to ask things of us that we would never consider doing on our own. And I want you to give that the possibility that that's a good thing, not something that you need to fight against and rage against. It's something that's going to expand your perception and your abilities that you wouldn't do on your own accord. Tom has exposed me and talked to me and shared with me and helped me learn so many things outside of what I would typically do. And I think you would say the same, right?

Oh, yes.

Just by nature of who we are as people people. And that's why I say relationships are going to ask you and require more of all kinds of things. It's going to give you more of all kinds of things. And as we change and grow as individuals, we're going to be asking and sharing more of our partners. Maybe I get a new hobby or a new interest and I want to share it with you, and you go, ah, that's stupid. I don't want to do that. What if you were to just choose in and come along and see if you too would like it? I'm thinking of things pickleball, and I'm thinking of things like camping in the back of our car. And Tom always prides himself being a 3,000 count sheep man. Just give me an Airbnb and a cozy place to be. What's this camping thing? Right. But he has been a really good sport. Not because it's something he intrinsically wants to do, but because he loves me and vice versa. And I think that's a really important part. We forget we care, we forget we love. And we can turn these conversations so easily into a place where I feel like you're forcing me to do this without realizing it actually could be to the benefit of us both.

Well. And if you constantly are the partner who's like, oh, I hate this, or I'm never gonna do that, do you think your partner is gonna keep asking you to do new things with them? Eventually there's gonna come a time where they're gonna stop and you're gonna wonder why the heck your relationship isn't blossoming anymore. Why aren't you connecting? If you constantly throw up that brick wall when your partner asks you to try something new, it's gonna stop eventually. And that's not good.

Well, that's how we start creating separate lives, right? Then I'll just go and do it and you can stay here and do your thing. And the co creation very much fundamentally starts to slow down and or come to a complete halt. And now we're two different people living under the same roof. And that's how these things happen.

If someone who is listening is like, wow, I have a lot of unspoken agreements and me and my partner are separated or they've, or I've asked for space or they've asked for space, what's the first thing they should do to try and fix this?

Well, I hope and now think that you, you can see based on what we've talked about and shared, you can see unspoken agreements lead to resentment, distance and ultimate separation. And the first thing that needs to be done is we have to secure a role of emotional safety which becomes the foundation to explore these things deeper. It would be unfair of us to ask you, well, just have these conversations like come on, on, step in, do it. You create a list and they can create a list. What's the problem we're negating is this little thing called emotional safety. And emotional safety has to be the place where we begin. And what is that? We can all relate to not feeling emotionally safe, but we're not very averse in how to create it. When I realize it's lacking, and this emotional safety, ironically is created when I feel like I have the permission to think the way I think and feel the way I feel, and that's okay. And it's safe to be different than you, to want different things than you, to not see it the same way you do. And that I'm not going to be judged or attacked or criticized or minimized or belittled or coerced or manipulated or forced in a corner because of it, that actually you are going to give me that permission to do that. And by nature, in a reciprocal way, I want to be able to give that to you as well. And in those places, even if we're talking about difficult things or we find ourselves at misunderstandings or places where we're butting heads, if we don't have emotional safety to say what it is we truly want to say, we're probably not going to truly say what it is we want to say and we're going to pull from the evidence or excuses or manipulation or defensiveness instead.

So are people, what Brooke just shared and what you just described is the answer. Can people, and I say this on our calls many times. Can people re establish that or maybe establish that for the first time, that permission and emotional safety on their own.

That's one of the key things that we do. That's like a first step in our work with couples or anybody, right? Yes. Because if we don't have this, we're not going to share anything. And sometimes it takes a session or two for couples to feel like they're safe enough to truly pull out what it is I want to say and what's really going on. I mean, bravo to you and Jack, Brooke. Even though that was a really disappointing moment about the bed topper, something that we would look as so silly. But no, these are big things. Bravo that the two of you could get to the heart of the matter really quickly. And he could say, I'm disappointed. I thought we were going to buy one of these. And you could say, oh, I didn't realize that. I went out and did the research and bought what I thought was a proper bed topper. Oh, I see. Now I get it. It wasn't malicious, it wasn't unkind, it wasn't unthoughtful. Actually, we were both doing our very best to contribute and serve and love the other person. Right?

Exactly.

And very often we don't get to that sweetheart message at all. We just don't. We're too busy going, well, you should have. I never said that. And I would say you said it like this. You said do the research and then buy the one. I didn't realize that. And we could see how just as easily you got through it. It could turn into a fight that would totally derail because we're judging them, we're criticizing them, we're dismissing it. And we think that I know better than you what happened here. And all I want to do is highlight my own thoughts, feelings and emotions without realizing and confidence co creation. There's a total opposing perspective that I don't want to give much airtime to. I just want to push my agenda nine times out of ten, that's what's going to derail the safety and my relationship that I desperately need to be mindful of and build. And it is something that we consistently build and don't worry if we make messes and we find ourselves doing those things. I just listed as a don't Dismiss them. Don't criticize, don't belittle, don't judge, don't. Don't snark. Like roll your eyes. Dismiss.

So you just described what I was going to ask so many times. You will see it playing out in real time, in real life, even when one partner doesn't even feel like they're doing the things you're saying that they don't even realize they're doing it. That's what I mean. So I guess it is possible, if I hear it correctly, you correct me if I'm wrong. It is possible to reestablish this permission and safety that you hear us talking about if you've been listening to us for any period of time. These are the, the fundamental two behaviors and attributes. It is possible to reestablish that would you say, babe? But it, it's not easy.

It's not hard either. It's more of just a realization of what's happening here that we don't ever talk about or we don't ever explore. In fact, if anything, when we start getting relationship help and support, it's somebody weighing in on who they think is right and wrong, which is totally missing what we're trying to convey to you today in this podcast episode. Right? What if we were to assume there was nobody that was right and wrong and that actually everybody had a contribution into the relationship and there was something that was being missed or misunderstood about the person you're trying to co create with. And instead of getting to that place, we just keep pushing our own agenda or our own perspective or the way that we think it needs to be done, which is really just pushing our own assumptions and expectations so that we can get. Get our way. And I'm gonna tell you, in a co creation, that's never going to work. It's going to break down me because I'm going to feel like I'm entitled more and more often to run the show to get my needs met. And my person that I'm with is going to feel very similar. They might have different approaches. Right. One might get pretty pushy and bossy and controlling in an effort to fix it and teach and preach and do all these things while one kind of collapses and goes quiet. But we're both very much struggling with the same challenges emotionally. And I think sometimes that gets missed. And what is the challenge? The challenge is I love you. I want this to work. I'm disappointed, I'm hurting, I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm resentful. Well, why Are we feeling all those things simultaneously and just handling them in different ways? Because you've disappointed me. I don't understand you. You invalidate me, you criticize me, you belittle me, you manipulate me. I feel like a project. I feel like you don't hear me. I feel like I don't have a voice. And these are very common things. Well, it's at the heart of it, there's a lot of unspoken needs and assumptions that are not being shared on the table because there isn't the emotional safety to do so. We don't have the skills to be able to approach it in a way that doesn't create a fight. So a lot of people will say, well then how do I get what I want, Stace? Like, you know, come on, I mean, how do I get what I want if I'm not allowed to do any of those things? And I say, how about this? How about you seek to understand them first? How about we try that one on? Because if you'll do that, it will create safety. It will be very eye opening. Because when we understand the emotional driver of a person and their behavior all of a sudden makes sense, if we understand what's driving them, everything starts to make a lot of sense. And that would be true going the other direction for yourself as well. What if instead of reacting, you actually started to get curious about what's driving you emotionally? Like what are your own assumptions, expectations and needs and opinions about the agreements that aren't being met or talked about and what is entitling you to show up in a way that maybe sometimes you don't feel so good about? Maybe let's just start there and create a little safety for your yourself. That would be a great place to begin. Otherwise we're going to live lives of pretend and illusion where we go along with, we have these blow ups, we fight, somebody tries to push, coerce, manipulate, somebody collapses because they're exhausted, goes along with it. And then I get angry about that because I've lost my voice. And round and round we go. But we're really, really, really, really, really not talking about the thing that matters most to me and vice versa. And the thing that I want to talk about continues to be misunderstood, invalidated, judged, criticized, minimized, belittled, etc. And that goes on until we just can't do it any. So we want to identify these unspoken agreements. We want to evaluate and explore what you believe those agreements to be within your relationship first with yourself. And then I would ask and invite you to have A conversation about these agreements and expectations with your spouse, special someone, and they also have the space and the permission to say, well, gosh, this is how I interpret it on my side of the fence. And you're going to have moments of like, no way, really, the whole time. That makes so much sense. And that would be the place that I would encourage you to step into. Agreements that become commitments need to be agreeable by both partners. And we need to allow our agreements to be being renegotiated. They need to be fluid, as it's easier to change the agreements than it is to change the person. The foundation of your relationship becomes the confidence that you have in yourself and in your relationship to truly ask for what it is you need and for your partner to do the same. Some of these asks are going to stretch you, however, that's a good thing. And some of the asks you're not ready to do or embark on, they won't work for you. This showcases where my limitations are and where my partner's limitations are. They're not bad things. How do we want to work with them?

So what you just described right there, I would say those are emotional push ups right there.

Yes, yes. And often what happens instead is we dismiss the needs of my partner and I want to steamroll them instead. I want to figure out how to just push my agenda in my way and expect them to come along if they really love me, like if you love me, then you're going to do this. That by the way, is a statement of manipulation through coercion and leverage. That is not co creation. So relationships will ask of you to continuously expand and grow as well as to self reflect. As you and your partner change through time, so will your relationship. There is no such thing as a set it and forget it or figure this out once and for all. So our agreements therefore will continuously need to be renegotiated and changed along the way. We'll get better at this as we go, I promise. Couples who do this over time become stronger and more resilient together. And there's not a challenge that it will be disappointing. It will be, holy shit, what are we going to do now? But I know how to resource together to get through it if I have some of these basic things.

So this is huge, huge, huge.

This is a lot to chew on and you might want to listen to this episode a few times. We've power packed it and literally just began with the idea of what are the unspoken agreements that are happening in my relationship today.

And I know with working with people privately and in our roadmap, this place, in our frameworks, if you will it, people's paradigms just get blown open. If you're listening live, we had a call yesterday and I'm like, oh my gosh, like everything is agreements. You know, you could just see people's heads spinning. Yes, it is, because that's how fluid life is. Think about it.

That's what a co creation. Exactly, isn't it? It's a little piece of me and a little piece of you. We put it all together and create in us.

So I mean, again, I'm fascinated by. How would we ever think if this could be a set it and forget it situation? It's amazing. We've all kind of bit off on that one. That's just a fallacy.

Well, to be fair, we only know what we know as a human being and we've been sold a lot of ideologies about what this is supposed to look like. And we often use commitments or marriage or agreements as the set it and forget it thing. And we have a few, but we don't realize we can change them and renegotiate them and look at them and then we miss a whole, whole bunch of daily agreements that would really help to ease the understanding and create us a space that we can count on. And so we know what to do. Instead of floundering around in the dark, hoping that at some point in time my partner catches a clue and gets on board. We could just have a conversation about. This is what I'm thinking. What do you think?

What you just described thinking of our. If you're listening live, we had a call yesterday in a robe app. And if. Well, if this is happening, like. Like what is my foundation? Well, you just described the foundation. The foundation is the permission and the safety. Stacy said as long as we've been together, as long, babe, as we can get everything out on the table, we'll be able to work through it. It's when we can't get it out on the table, we're just guessing.

Well, that's how we live and pretend. An illusion we're talking, but we're really not sharing the heart of the matter that doesn't get laid out on the table, we're talking about all the other stuff around it. And so how is it that we think we can find a solution or come to a place of understanding when we're really not even talking about the thing that needs to be solved in the first place or the thing that's disappointing me in the first place or the thing that I would like to see in the first place, we can't make any progress with that. So now you can start to see why it's just rounds and rounds and rounds of the same thing. We're living in pretend and illusion because we're not willing to or know how to lay those things on the table to be discovered and solved. Right? So the fight about the topper and the dishes could be an ongoing thing from henceforth if you and Jack didn't have the ability to get to the place of understanding instead. And so it is for all of us. You know, that's not just true for Brooke and Jack, but it's true for Tom and Stacy, and it's true for all the couples around the world that if we don't have a place to get to the heart of what it is and to be able to have the safety to talk about it, the solutions that we long for will continue to elude us like there is no other way. And that's typically the heart of what is ailing us are these unspoken agreements and expectations that sometimes are so unconscious in us, we don't even know to go look there for them. Right. So hopefully this podcast episode has opened your eyes to looking at some of those and maybe holding agreements and commitments in a different light. Something to be evaluated, something that's fluid, something that's ongoing, because we are too, as a couple. And if you and your partner are trapped in the silent dance of unspoken expectations, has this led to a place of space and separation in your relationship? If so, it's a common yet painful reality where the absence of clear communication leads to distance and misunderstandings. So this is where I want to invite you to. To consider coming to work with us and embarking on a 30 day love and limbo road to get you to a place where you can have these pieces of aha and understanding and rewrite the agreements and come up with a plan. That's ultimately what happens at the end of the 30 day experience. We can't start there necessarily, because there are some other things that you need to learn as far as principles go and how it works, but it is what we're committed to making sure you have at the end of that 30 day roadmap experience is a newfound foundation for yourself and or your partner and a plan to set it in motion. As we like to say, space without a plan is just space. Right? What are we doing here? And we can say that about a relationship, right? A relationship that doesn't have agreements and commitments and a constantly reworking towards that understanding in what are we will also become just a relationship with two people living separate lives living in a under the same roof. So these agreements and commitments are an important conversation. So you can go to loveandlimboroadmap or stacybartley.com to gain information about the roadmap and when the next one starts. And currently you can put yourself on a waiting list and we'll be doing another one here in spring of 2024 if you're listening to this in real time. But we're committed to doing these ongoing as time permits. And there'll also be a self paced version opportunity for you as well. So maybe being a part of a cohort kind of makes your armpits a little sweaty and you're not feeling like you're necessarily ready for that. I totally get it. There's a self paced option for you that you could work through at your own time and pace as well. So again you can check out all the details of those and get information about those by going to loveandlimboroadmap.com or you can go to staceybartly.com to learn about about this and other offerings that we provide to support our wonderful, beautiful clients in this conversation. Let's turn the corner for a minute and have a little bit of fun. And I thought the fun thing that maybe I could offer you on the backside of this conversation, because it's a big one, is maybe a resource to help you begin putting a toe in the water and identifying some of those maybe unspoken agreements in your life. And so included in the show notes here is a free download for you that's going to identify this the safety that we talked about and the tiers of safety and how this works are the tiers. Number one would be the less safety required conversation and then more safety would be required as you go down in the four tiers. And then the topics are the categories that maybe you want to think about exploring agreements within. So for example, the first place of emotional safety would be how are we going to talk and share? Because that's what we're going to have to do to continuously build emotional safety and play and novelty is our less threatening opportunity. So how can we play and explore and have a little bit of fun and talk about what might be would be a great place to begin. Whether I'm talking of a plan with myself, this is why self care is a place that we begin when I'm working on exploring some things with inside of My self, that might be a little challenging. I can start with taking really good care of myself and learning the language of me by journaling or communicating or speaking up some of those things. So communication and novelty is tier one. And then it builds down from there. And again, you can get this worksheet by using the download link in the show. Notes, notes. So if.

If for us that are. We think maybe differently and we're detailed. So as the number goes up in the tier, those areas could what we might call maybe more difficult places to step in and have a. An agreement, a conversation and an agreement around. Yes.

Okay.

And I just want you to see that how it works is I just start with where I am and know that as I continue to do the things that serve and work best, then the safety is going to grow so that I can deepen those levels. And if we really stop and think about it, that's how your relationship with the person, wherever you are or people in your past have started. We start by strangers, complete strangers. We go out on a little date, have a little fun, start communicating and sharing about ourselves and what we want and who we are. And then that deepens into more emotional safety to explore a little deeper. And so we move. We start to move through those tears until we get to a place where we're talking about. Well, most anything. In fact, when I fool around and fall in love with you, I'm probably saying things like, wow, I've never been able to share this with anybody but you. That just is highlighting. I feel emotionally safe with you to kind of venture there in those places with inside of myself. That's how it works.

That's how emotional safety and that's how it's re established.

And that's how it's re established. Sometimes, especially when we've been together for a time, long, long period of time, we think we can just pick up where we left off without realizing. No, we actually begin again in a whole new way. So it's like we have to start with, okay, I'm going to share a little bit about what I want. And because we're scared, we're nervous, we're. We're guarded because of the history that we've been through for many, many reasons. And so it's kind of like we've got to start back up at number one and then build those again. And they'll happen, they'll come. I just. Sometimes we want to just rush to number four when really what's available for us right now is number one. And then I Make us feel bad and terrible and awful about it without realizing, oh, shit, we're just sacrificing more emotional safety. I'm going in the wrong direction. Yeah, you are. It's not a thing we do intentionally. It's a thing we do unknowingly. Right. I think I'm trying to get to the best parts again without realizing I'm overstepping a lot of places that are only sacrificing what it is I say I want to create. So get this download. I think it's going to really help you and. And, yeah, dare I say, have a little fun with it. Explore some of these unspoken agreements that are floating around in your relationship right now.

Well, I would say at the minimum, it should bring some ease to you as to how you can step into. Yes, we've given you a lot here, and it may feel like, gosh, you've kind of blown my whole lid off the top, so to speak. But this should give you somewhat of a guide, if you will. You don't have to tackle it all at one time. Don't do that. Start. Tier 1 is communication, play and novelty. Let's just think about, like Stacy shared when we first came together with this person or in your past. That's how it starts. Just start there.

And I promise that will naturally lead.

To continuation and go deeper.

Of going deeper. Our song for today is a song by Lee Vaseed. She has a song that says, teach me, which I thought was so appropriate for today's episode because in her lyrics she says, teach me how to understand this man I don't want to overrun and I desire clarity Teach me about this man and I don't want to say something and that I don't mean teach me. And that just kind of struck me because really kind of what we've talked about today is us being able to teach our partners how to love us best and what are the agreements that can help us become the best version of ourselves. And when that happens, then it allows me to show up better in the relationship for you and for us and vice versa. And sometimes what we do instead is engaged in that race to the bottom where I'm dismantling and unraveling me and going along with things that don't really work for me, but I won't say so, or I'm trying to get my needs met in places of defensiveness and manipulation, and then my partner is doing the same thing. And so instead of it becoming a place of teach me about you and how to love you best, we're fighting about whose way is best. We need to unwind that and agreements are going to help us do that. And learning some wonderful places of creating emotional safety and the principles of communication will help us accomplish all of those things. So you can listen to this week's song along with the entire Relationship Playlist by going to our website, stacybartley.com or you can find us on Spotify by searching Lovecheck Live Playlist. That is a wrap today. I know we've given you a lot to chew on. This is a new conversation we typically don't find or see or experience in the world of relationship relationships. So I hope, as Tom has said, that it will be life giving to you. It will be aha and eye opening. And don't worry, you don't need to have these conversations with your partner right now. Just begin with you download the sheet and just begin exploring what are the unconscious unspoken agreements or assumptions that I have about my relationship right now. Then you can muster up the courage to share them. And by the way, you can do that by simply saying like this, hey, you know what? I've uncovered some places where I've made up a lot of assumptions and expectations about our agreements in our life. I'd love to share them with you sometime, and I'd love to hear what yours are too. Is that something that would work for you? There you have it. And then you're off to the races. Okay, bye bye for now. Look forward to seeing you next week.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing Subscribing to our podcast thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.