#168: When Trust Falls Apart: A Journey from Betrayal to Healing

I don't trust you anymore. These five words can feel like a chasm opening up beneath our feet, threatening the very foundation of our relationships. Welcome to Love Shack Live, a beacon for those navigating the turbulent waters of love and trust. I'm Stacey Bartley, and alongside me is my co host and lover, Tom, and our daughter, Brooke. Together, we're embarking on a journey to explore the intricate dance of building, breaking and mending trust. The invisible thread that binds our hearts and lives together. It can become the most visible fracture when broken. Today's journey is about understanding this delicate balance, the choices that lead to trust being compromised, and the courageous path toward rebuilding it. We'll explore the essence of trust, how it's formed, what happens when it's lost, and most importantly, how it can be restored from the depths of betrayal to the heights of healing. We'll share insights, strategies and real stories of those who have faced the daunting task of saying, I trust you once again. The process of healing and rebuilding trust is not a linear one. It requires space, sometimes separation to reflect, heal and grow. So today we're going to discuss not only the challenge, but also the opportunities this place creates for individuals and relationships alike. Join us as we navigate through the complexities of trust, and we're offering you tools, exercises, and heartfelt advice for those seeking to mend the fabric of their relationships. Whether you're at the beginning of this journey, in the midst of turmoil, or somewhere on the path to reconciliation, this episode is a compass to guide you back to a place of connection and trust once again.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

So I want to begin this episode by quoting Esther Perel, who, by the way, if you've not had any personal time with her, is a lovely soul. She has a wonderful quote about trust that I just love and very much resonate with, which is cultivating trust requires millions of micro risks that show us we're not foolish for being confident in our relationship. Most importantly, trust requires taking risks together that help us grow into better partners for each other. And that is such a great synopsis of trust in and of itself. So I think we need to begin this conversation of trust by understanding what trust is like. How does it work? Because I'm going to tell you, one of the biggest conversations that I have in the work that I do is the illusions and the assumptions and the expectations about what trust is and where it comes from. And I think, okay, how does it work? Let's just start with the basics. Most of us think that trust comes from a place of getting it right, doing it to perfection, and when somebody disappoints you or betrays you in the place of simple things like, oh, I'm sorry, honey, I forgot that, or, oh, I'm sorry I said I was going to do that, but I'll get to.

It later, or I showed up late.

I showed up late, I'm sorry, I'll do better next time I was doing this and this and this and this and this, or even to the egregious things that we cite as humans of emotional affairs or physical affairs or spending money or hiding money, those are usually the big ones. Even though, yes, I agree, these are things that can absolutely backhoe the trust that we have in ourselves on each other. The idea is, if you wouldn't have done those things, then we would have trust. Therefore I can't trust you. That's the logical conclusion.

And I think it's so interesting because if you ask people what is the most important thing in a relationship, trust is always number one or number two, communication and trust. But I then think if you ask someone, I'm going off of what you just said, explaining what trust really is and what we actually think it is and versus what it really is. If you ask someone what trust is, everyone is going to have a different answer. And it's just this kind of nebulous thing that we don't really know what it is, but we know we need to have it.

Yes, absolutely. We know it's important. Just like communication. We know that's important because we can all, like, go back in the memories of our own minds and realize that me sharing with you and us creating moments that matter together is what created our relationship. So if we're running into bumps, like, I naturally go back there and go, okay, well, we need to talk, we need to spend time together. We need a date, we need to go back to this place. That's where our brains are going to take us. And in this conversation of trust, it's like, it has to be right. I have to get it done right. And if you betray me or make a mess or a misstep or either it be small or big, regardless of how I interpret what's important to me, I can say, I don't trust you anymore. Here's the kicker. We all make messes as human beings. So each of us, as much as I could say, I'm trustworthy and Tom's trustworthy, even though we're trustworthy in ourselves and in our relationships, we make Messes, I flub up. Sometimes I say things I didn't mean, or I forget things that were really important and valuable to you, and you do the same. I'm having a bad day, you're having a bad day. And sometimes, in spite of my great skills and mastery, I take it out on you. And what's interesting is we don't allocate for the fact that we need to know as a human being what works and what doesn't work. And just that very piece of reality makes us a messmaking machine. I need to know what works and what doesn't work. And there are going to be days where I'm going to struggle because of lack of sleep, because of what I'm thinking, because of my mental health, because of the circumstances I'm trying to figure out inside of myself, I'm going to show up in a way that I won't tomorrow. But I got to get through today. And so I might say or do some stupid shit. I might say, forget some things that I know are really important to you because in the moment of me trying to just cope with today, I forget all about that when I'm just trying to get myself through.

Yeah, it seems like, especially like Brooke said, trust communication. But this trust conversation, this trust behavior, it's like an all or nothing, very, very definitive line in the same. And if you cross that, man, there's no coming back.

Yeah, there's so many relationship experts out there who say once trust is broken, you can never get it back, which I just want to fill the beans. We don't believe that as a family. We do not believe that.

Again, please understand, because sometimes people say you guys are dismissing the pain. No, we are not dismissing the pain. What we're trying to help you is to get through the pain quickly and get back to the good stuff, because trust is going to be broken. Even Stacy and I, there's been trust. And I think we have a pretty damn good relationship in marriage. Yeah, we break each other's trust occasionally and we just clean it up really fast.

That's how it goes.

We're human, for God's sakes.

There's this. I forget what it's called, Mom 2, but you mention it often, which is the principle where if your partner does something that is messed up, you say, how the hell can you do that? But if you do something that's messed up, you don't have that same reaction because you know what's going on inside of your head. So that. What is that called?

Cognitive bias. Cognitive Bias.

So you, with the cognitive bias, you can bypass your own mess ups because you have the intel that's missing when your partner messes up because you're not inside of their brain. So that's how this happens, is because we're human, everybody messes up. The missing piece is that you don't have the intel that you have when you're the one who's messing up. When it's your partner who's messing up.

You understand why you messed up and you know that it's not intentional. And you also can relate to the sweetheart message or the undertow that you're trying to accomplish in what it is you're doing and why you messed up.

How about for the listener that's saying like, okay, Tom, Stacy and Brooke, you guys are off. My partner, my husband, my wife, they intentionally breached Mike. Yeah. What, what would you say to that?

I would say, you know what, it's probably worth another pass because here's the thing. When you understand the emotional driver and the experience that's happening outside of your, the behavior that's presenting always makes sense. Makes sense. It always makes sense. And we're all trying to approach what it is we want and what it is we need from these places of emotional behavior or input within ourselves. And we think that we're doing a great job based on where I come from, what's been modeled to me, and what it is I know. And so we really are as human beings doing the very best we know how to try and cope with the emotional experiences that we're experiencing inside. And now all of us, just to put this in a context that we can all relate to, we can all relate to being in a place where I'm so sick I can't get off the couch. And I want some grace from my employer, from my responsibilities, from the children, from the household duties, from cooking dinner, etc. I'm sick. Please give me some grace. And sometimes we don't think about that as it plays into the emotional nuances of dealing with myself as a human being is a full time job. And what I'm dealing with often you have no idea about, say partner. And trying to deal with that on a day to day basis causes me to make decisions and or behaviors that help me model or deal with the this in our relationship. And I really want some grace. I really want some grace.

I have a good example of this that just came up in my own relationship last Thursday. I had an emotional breakdown last Thursday about just being tired of being fat and just Being fed up with myself and my own bullshit and my own coping mechanisms and all of the things that we do as humans. And so I just had a really hard day and I, I was overly emotional and like crying at the drop of a hat, which I'm an emotional person, but that's not normal for me. So Jack was like, what's going on? And so I sat down and I just explained, I'm just having a hard day. I'm tired of being in this body carrying around all these extra pounds, it's exhausting. And so I said, I just would like to share with you some of the thoughts and some of the things that I have to consider every day as a 300 pound woman that you don't because you're in a straight sized body. And I'm like, I have to think about the clothes that I'm wearing, whether or not my stomach is showing. My stomach is touching my legs all the time because my stomach is big. And so anywhere I'm sitting, I'm physically feeling the fact that I'm overweight. I sweat more than the average person. So I have to consider maybe bringing a change of clothes with me if we're going to be doing a physical activity. I'm very conscious of whether or not I'm smelling because I don't want people to be like, oh God, here comes the fat girl and she's sweaty and I can smell her from a mile away. I know people are generally not going to be thinking that, but that's a fear of mine and I know other overweight people can relate to that. I have to be thinking, oh God, am I eating too much? I don't want to others to be like, well, she's eating that. So obviously that's the reason why she's so big. I have to be thinking about if I go on a trip, if I'm bringing the correct clothes that, that are gonna make me not show my stomach so that I can actually enjoy myself. On and on and on and on. It's a lot, it's a lot of mental space that's taken up when you have a bigger body that people who are in normal sized bodies don't relate to. And I don't expect you to relate to them because you don't have that experience. But it was really freeing to voice those things because I was having a day like you just said, being me on that day was exhausting emotionally. And Jack had no idea that I was feeling those things. And so just being able to say all of that I looked over at him and he was like, wow, that's a lot. And I'm like, yeah, it is. And also, it's a lot to. To face the fact that I need to lose over a hundred pounds. And just knowing he's like, yeah, I can see why that feels like that's gonna be a slog for you. Because in the beginning, it's not very gratuitous. Like you in the beginning, no one really notices. You don't really notice because it's those few pounds that you're losing don't make a big difference. So you have to wait a long time to be able to get the results that you're wanting. And that feels like I'm looking up a 700 foot mountain, you know, to be honest.

Talk about delayed gratification.

Yes. That's a huge mental load that I know other overweight people deal with. And it's just, it's like, why does this have to be me? Why do I have to go through this? So anyways, that's a very long story, but I just wanted to share that. If you notice that your partner isn't showing up like normal, or you, they're seeming extra heavy minded, or you're like.

Why can't you just get your shit together?

All of that mental story could be happening.

It's a lot and it is. And you know what? We all carry a mental story such as Brooke just described. I could give you several versions of it. If I were a pleaser by chance. So I was raised in a culture or religion or both. That was. If I displease you and make this all work out, it's gonna be fine.

You're kind of the poster child for that.

I am the poster child for that. The idea that if I just continue to give more of myself and contribute and to make it easier and better for others, then I myself am gonna be happy. I'm gonna be fulfilled, I'm gonna be prosperous. I'm gonna be whatever that is in the relational realm. A good parent, a good lover, a good partner, a good husband, a good wife. We can put labels on all of that. And it's like all of a sudden you find yourself morphing yourself or pretzeling yourself for lots of sweetheart reasons into a version of yourself. That. That is not true to you as you contemplate. I can just let this go today because this is what they want and I can just not be myself here because this is important to them. And I know that I need this for myself, but because they need this. And I'm just going to go ahead and contribute that. And I'm going to run myself, you know, from dawn to dusk, making sure that everybody has the correct cereal and the correct underwear and the correct, you know, whatever, fill in the blank that they need in order to be happy. And then finally, I'm going to be able to find my place in the world. And I think all of us have a variety of versions of this, because I could turn it to the avoidant, too. I could turn it to the not pleaser. I want to be connected. I want to be a part of something. I want to co create with you. But then somewhere along the line, my own conflict kicks off. And that conflict is of, am I safe with you? Can I trust you? Can I be with you? Can I co create in such a way you're not going to take advantage of me? Am I safe that you won't punish me financially, mentally, physically, emotionally? And these are the conversations that sometimes we forget when we're not experiencing them, that our partners and our lovers are having that make it very difficult for them to trust us. And so this dovetails perfectly into the biggest point that I want to make about trust today and our conversation. Trust. It's a choice that we all make, and it's actually a gift I give that involves my willingness to risk with you in spite of all the things that are going on internally for me, if I choose to co create with you and we say, hey, I love you. You and me, we're gonna do this thing, we're gonna move in and we're gonna build a life, and it's aw. And everybody gets really excited in that moment because there's nothing more blissful and wonderful than the opportunity to love and co create with another human being. And then what shows up is all the fear and insecurity that I have around that conversation. And what you're going to start to show or what's going to start to highlight is where I am in my ability to risk with another human being. If I'm a pleaser, it's going to be a conversation of, please, please, please just love me. I'll do whatever you need me to do. I will be there. I will wash your clothes, I will make your dinner, I will rip your feet. I will make love to you every Wednesday and Sunday. It is gonna be so amazing. And the avoider is like, I don't know. All right. That kind of makes me sketchy. Like, can you flip this around on me? Are you gonna manipulate me? Is this gonna become a weapon? Are you gonna do all these things so that I'm obligated to use that I have to, that I have to should all these things. Like, I've been here before. I don't know that I can trust this.

I mean, we're all looking for that proverbial guarantee. I mean, and I like to say, I don't mean to be a bearer of bad news, but there is no guarantee other than what I share. Like on our clarity calls is through our lease option contract for Love is Stacy created this to encourage me with great love and respect to bring my A game every day. That's the guarantee. I say this almost on every single call. As much as I could never imagine my life without Stacy, I don't have any more guarantee than you do, other than to be committed to bringing my A game every day. And I always say with a little bit of fun, today's looking pretty good. I mean, but to be fair, that's the guarantee.

I mean, wow, now you're jumping because. Well, here, here's the thing. So just to be clear, I want to really clarify. This is what trust is made of.

Absolutely.

If I say I don't trust you, I'm. What I'm really saying is I don't feel safe enough to risking with you. There's been some things here that have caused some stuff to come up inside of me that I don't feel comfortable or safe enough moving forward with. And you start to see, okay, wow, we are all mess making machines. We're going to mess it up, we're going to have bad days. And the reality of dealing with me, there's gonna be some things where I'm so consumed inside of myself that I'm gonna miss about you because you're outside of me and what I realize and know to be true. And so we're all untrustworthy. We really are. There's broken promises, broken commitments, broken agreements big and small in all of our lives if we really stop and think about it. Places where I've missed the mark, overshot, overextended, over committed, or didn't dare to risk at all. And in those places, what we do is we tend to, especially when it comes to the conversation of trust, is we blame the other person for the things that they do that cause me to feel emotionally impacted. But it's really difficult for me to think about the things I do that create the same going the other direction. Them feeling the lack of trust and why they're emotionally impacted, to not Risk. And so everybody gets afraid to risk. Everybody gets afraid to try again. Everybody forgets or doesn't want to or is afraid of risking to take a new step, a better step.

And that was my point. I think I've always appreciated your perspective. Like, the trust component is your willingness and confidence to step in and risk again. Because to be fair, there really is no the fairy tale guarantee. Is. Is the fairy tale meaning because there's going to be breaches, not because they're intentional? Most of the time? Yes, I think, to be fair, most of the time they're not intentional. It's simply the human experience. So if we could reframe how we're approaching this, you know. No, I know this is the one. Well, maybe, you know, I mean, so I would appreciate.

No, you.

The ability to step in and be. No, I'm good. To risk again. I'm feeling good about that.

Well, and so to risk, we have to think about that. Like, what allows me then, as a human being to risk, to step in. Even when maybe there's been some small and big egregious things that have compromised my ability or my willingness or in my skepticism and risking with you. It's going to happen. In every single relationship that has ever existed and will ever exist. There's a place where we question everything. And it could be something very small or it could be something egregious, depending on how you define what those are in your own space and time and world and belief and value system. We love to think that we can come to consensus on the efforts and things that happen, the deeds or the experiences that we experience as a human being that create breaches of trust. The one that we can really identify is infidelity. But even that has its twists and turns. When we start talking about. About polyamorous relationships and so monogamous with agreements, those kinds of things. So it starts to kind of get a little convoluted. And where's the line between emotional affair, physical affair, sexual. I mean, you know, so even that can be a little convoluted. Just to highlight that piece. Long story short, we're all going to be in a place where at some point in time, we're going to disappoint our partners. It's going to happen. And it's going to be so easy for me or my partner to point to the breaches of trust that have happened as I go. See, this is the problem. I don't trust you anymore. And it's amazing what a showstopper that is in Regards to the world of co creation with you. When I say those five words, I don't trust you anymore. That's where. Okay, wait a minute. Okay, how do I get your trust back? What do I need to do? What needs to happen, I want to continue with you or the conversation goes, well, you know what the reality is, I don't trust you either.

And going back to what you said, dad, about wanting a guarantee, I would say that we want to guarantee even more after trust has been breached one time.

Absolutely.

Especially if it was breached with an affair or an emotional affair or texting someone that you shouldn't have or we were like, no, I want a double guarantee now in order to want to trust you again.

Well, that's when we get the car trackers and let me look at your phone every hour and there's some interesting behaviors. And again, I just want to overemphasize, emphasize. We're not dismissing the pain and the heartbreak that this brings. What we're trying to do is to help you move through it as quickly as possible. That's what we're always trying to do.

And to show you that it is possible to rebuild trust.

Yes. Yes.

So to risk again, what do I need this big or small? Betrayal happens. I don't feel safe enough anymore. And guys and gals, this could be a myriad of things, big and small. Sometimes we don't think about the small things that can compromise trust. But just one night when I really want to have you hear me and understand where I'm coming from and you're too tired from doing whatever, fill in the brain blank, take care of the kids, you're at work, you're dealing with your own conflict and you're not there for me. It can make up a whole narrative about that in 22 seconds. This wonderful relationship that we've been experiencing just tanked. And I don't even know it. If I'm not the one that's experiencing that feeling of being let down or disappointed. And as I stack on that day in and day out, I can start to make up other places and things where you're not there for me and you don't care and you don't love me, which just further cements. I don't have to be in this, I don't have to show up, I don't have to care about you. I'm pulling back, I'm withdrawing, I'm trying to get safe. I get passive aggressive, I get defensive. I do all of these things because the reality is, and this is why we say this, I show up as good as I feel. So if I'm believing that you're against me and that you're malicious and that I can't trust you and I'm unsafe and such, I don't ever vet the fact out about why you weren't there for me. I just take it to heart that you weren't. And therefore, this means a whole bunch of things based on where I come from in my past experience and past history. And so I start living congruent to that, and all of a sudden I'm not willing to risk with you. And the other person could very much in reality have the experience of like, what are you talking about? I don't even understand where you're coming from. How is it that I do all of these things for you and you can't trust me? And the other person says, well, you know what? There was this one night where I really needed you to hear me and you didn't. You were on your phone and you dismissed me and you didn't want to hear what I had to say and you were tired and you went to bed, and that's my piece of evidence. And this is where the finger pointing about am I safe enough to risk with you? Comes into play. So to risk, I must have a safe place within myself. And what does that look like? A safe place inside of myself means I can find the ability to go, well, maybe this is something I really wanted, but maybe I don't really understand or relate to what was going on for them. Maybe I should check in, maybe I should investigate that. Maybe I should investigate what was happening there. Am I really spot on in making it up that they don't care or they don't want me or they don't want to be here? Maybe there's more to the story. I can't do that if I don't have a safe place inside of myself to reside, a place where I can come home and kind of like recalibrate and find my footing in spite of what my partner is doing. And if we don't develop this place of coming home within myself, it's very difficult to not get spun up in the whole narrative about how they don't love me, don't want me, don't care about me, this relationship doesn't matter, and now I'm reacting to that which is going to affect the way I show up. And hell no, I'm not going to risk with you. Hell no, there's not enough evidence in the world that you could bring to the table. Even spite of me saying, jump through this hoop. Jump through this hoop. Jump through this hoop. Because of where I'm living internally within me, essentially, knowing within you that however this goes, you're going to personally be okay, is a beautiful place to find within you. And so very often when couples say, I feel like we need to take space, I feel like we need to separate, this is very much needed for me. This is a conversation that we very much overlooked in saying, I need to find this place inside of me. Because right now in our relationship, I feel very unsafe and I don't know how to find my way back there with you. I can't get you to do enough things in spite of tracking you and checking your social media and having you delete comments and accounts, et cetera, that's causing me to feel okay in myself. So I've got to do something different to find that place within me. And often that's where the conversation of space and separation will take place. Like, I don't know what's not working here, but I know I'm not okay. I need to go find a safe place to stand. And, you know, that always for me, highlights the fact that we have this universal wisdom inside of ourselves that says, hey, this isn't going to go well unless I find a great, solid place for me to stand. What's interesting to me about that is, very quickly after declaring that we want space and separation, I can just as easily not knowing better say, well, it's going to be a new person or a new situation or a new something that's going to make me feel better. I don't need to do a deep dive in myself. I just need to find somebody who's more trustworthy. That's my answer without realizing, hey, wait a minute, you're going to be unsafe in any relationship you might find yourself in unless you find a safe place to stand yourself. Knowing that regardless of how this goes, when I risk with you, which is what trust is, I give it, I'm gonna be okay. Now I know I have it to give, and I can manage some of the risk without trying to control you or the situation or the circumstances or the environment so that I feel safe, I know that I have it to give.

What's one small way that we can start creating that safe place within ourselves?

It's a really great idea, and I've got several of them for you as we go there. I just want to say this idea of having a safe place to come back to within myself is what I call love insurance. It's the place where I know I can step in and get all in and love you with all I got and risk with you. Which means I'm going to attempt to build trust with you. And if it doesn't go okay, I know some place inside of myself that I'm gonna be okay. I don't know how and I don't know when and I don't know why, but I believe in my ability to figure this out or I believe in my ability to see this through so I can gift this to you. What's interesting to me is that pleasers by nature are exceptionally competent and they get in and they sacrifice themselves and they give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give until they can't anymore. And eventually they're forced to choose to be competent on their own so that they can acknowledge and own that piece by nature. On the flip side, avoidance, avoidant people are very secure inside of themselves alone. They know what that feels like. They know how to come home to themselves. What challenges them is being able to trust the behavior and actions and beliefs and emotions of another. And so you see in this conversation that we love at this point in time in our culture and our society about anxious and avoidant, we're dealing with the same problem of trust. We're just coming at it from two different perspectives. My ability to risk with you is the avoidant problem. I know I got this on my own. I'm exceptionally independent. I believe in my competency. And then we have the anxious pleaser, typically that is very competent in their own right. But they don't give themselves any credit. They think they need this other person in order to be okay themselves without realizing, oh, you're exceptionally competent, you just need to own and accept that part of your experience and recognize and realize that whether this works out or not with this person, you're going to be okay. I feel like I need to say this again. And the avoidant, they need to learn that, yeah, you got this down by yourself, great job. You've got the sense of self and independence and capability and competence you need inside of yourself. Can you risk with another person and co create something better than you can create on your own? Those are the big questions surrounding trust.

So how about Brooke's question, which is a good one. I was thinking the same thing. What could be a way or two that we could have this confidence that, you know, we can find this place within ourself that we're Going to be okay regardless of what happens. Yeah, I would say emotional pushups. Is that where we're going here?

Well, no, we're going to emotional safety. We need to feel safe and our need or ask for space and separation is often needed for me to ultimately find this place of safe within me, whether I'm an avoidant who's wanting to risk and say, okay, I've got this, I need to remember this. It's okay for me to risk. If it all blows to hell, you know, I can always come back to me. That's always available to me. I'm good at this. I'm competent here. And the anxious, you know, pleaser person to say, wait a minute, it's important for me to learn. I don't need another to be okay on my own.

So can we do this, can we do some practices without necessarily getting to this place of space or separation?

Space and separation usually highlights the need that this wasn't done beforehand. Can we do it without space and separation? Yeah, it's very challenging to do though, because I'm so busy focused on the other person's behavior that I can't solely focus on my own.

So I'm sure we have listeners out there though, that they. He or she knows that things aren't going well.

Yeah.

And we, and, and we need to maybe take space, separation. But quite frankly, all of us have been in this place and it took us long time to finally pull that. That choice. I mean, it's very courageous. It's very hard. At least it was for me.

Yeah.

I think a lot of people, they are in the place of spatial separation, but they're still choosing to live with their husband, wife, partner. So how might they navigate this without pulling that. That choice? It's too much for them to take that on, to say those words, to take that step. Could they do something, some exercise someplace to. To take on what you're suggesting without.

Two are so cute. You're wanting to get to the answer. Yes, we are going to get to the answer. But there's a lot of principles that I want you to understand before we. That all right. You're like, okay, come on, come on, come on, just give me the answer. Just tell me what to do. And there are many, many dynamics that are playing out. Where you listener might be right now, maybe I'm alone, but maybe I'm living in the same house, bird nesting with a part. We're trying to manage the household tasks and the children and trying to figure these things that I'm talking About right now, out within ourselves. And here's the thing, this core principle of trust is something I give. It is something I need to develop within me. It is something that I need to develop so that I can risk with another. Because if I can't risk with another in co creation, we'll never be successful in ultimately creating the trust between us. Trust I also need to give to myself. It is something that I need to find a safe place to reside within me. And this is the biggest reason why we say you need to come home to yourself first before you jump into a relationship. It's not so much about needing to be in love with yourself, it's about finding a safe place within you that you can come home to when things maybe don't go as planned and you know you're gonna be okay. When we don't understand this core principle and think it's not a problem within us very easily, we can think that someone new or something new can be the answer, or this has really nothing to do with me. It's when my partner finally gets a clue and changes, that's when I'll finally trust again. And there's many conversations in the relationship space about this that it's the person that causes me to feel unsafe within my ability to create trust when the reality is like big swallow, it's my own ability to feel secure inside of myself. So what we find not only in myself, but in the clients we work with. When a person comes home to themselves, this will be when they have the clarity or what we call the clunk to make the decision about how I'm going to go forward next. Without that critical piece, instead of respond in our lives, I'm going to consistently blame myself or blame the other person. The road to co creation is fraught with blame, manipulation, defensiveness, control, minimizing, et cetera. And that's the majority of what we see in the relationship space. Because the majority of us don't have a safe place to come home to. It's a place where I go, wait a minute, let me think about this. Let me think about what works for me. Let me think about what may work for you, or open myself up to the possibility of what might work for you. And let me see if I can dance with that. That place inside of ourselves is usually very small, if not entirely underdeveloped overall. So it makes it difficult for us to say trust or I want to risk with you or trust you. Because the reality is I don't even trust myself. I don't Even have a place within me where if this whole thing falls apart, I'm going to be okay. And so we step out on these wings of faith when we're madly in love, thinking surely this is going to be the one, because I've never felt this emotion before. And we blindly put all of our faith and trust in the other person without realizing I have a part to play. And so do they. And at some point in time, and it's inevitable when shit hits the fan and I disappoint you or you disappoint me, are we going to continue to be able to risk with each other? Because I have a safe place to come back to myself. I have a little bit of love insurance on tap here where I can go. I get you didn't mean that. Instead of penalizing you for it or blaming you for it, I can say, help me understand what was happening there so I can understand more about you and explore what's possible here as we go forward. And then I'll decide if I can risk with you again. Those conversations can't be had if I'm just in reaction to you betraying your trust, which I have done too, in small ways. So in this place, our internal wisdom, it's spot on in knowing I need to figure some things out for myself. However, as I've already mentioned, can quickly seek a shortcut to avoid facing off with ourselves. So the avoidant and anxious takes place depending on where I am in that space inside of me. So what can we do about this? What are the answers? Individual healing is the process of rebuilding trust and can and needs to be intentionally pursued during times of separation and or stepping back into a relationship again. Ironically, this will support each person when the time comes for exploring reunification again with the same person or a different someone. I need to find this place in me so that I can risk with you. I can give the gift with you. If not, I'm just going to think it's the other person. I'm going to blindly step in and risk vicariously again with another person with yet to be disappointed yet again.

So is this why we often hear out there? Someone makes a difficult decision to not stay with their partner, their husband, their wife, and they say I just need to kind of regather myself before I step into another relationship. I just need to get my ass.

Together, which is wise. But then notice how long that lasts. If I give you three weeks, that's a long time because immediately your brain's gonna go, hey, it's not me. I don't need to work on this. It was my person, after all. Look at all the things they did, the compromise, the trust. This and this and this and this and this and this and this. It was the pur, not me. It's gonna be a new person. It's gonna be a new something. And I think that's gonna solve my issue without realizing. No, no, no, no. Yes, that may be true. There might be some things that happen with your person that need to be addressed. But I also want you to take a look at how do I trust myself? And if I do trust myself, how do I feel about risking with others? Because if that door doesn't swing both ways, me building trust in a relationship is going to be a very difficult proposition. Because trust, again, I'm going to say it again, is something I give. It is not something I get from another person. It's my willingness to risk with you. And risk works like this. I risk here a little bit, and you think about this in the dating process. I risk a little bit with you, and it goes well. And then I risk a little more and it goes well. And then the next thing, we're having sex, and then the next thing, I'm asking you to move in. And then the next thing I know, I'm asking you to buy a house and have a baby and merge finances and on and on and on it'll go until something compromises that. And then I question the foolishness of all of that without realizing. I don't need to question my foolishness. I got all in for good reason. What I need to realize and understand, is there a safe place I can come home to that recognizes and realizes that regardless of how this goes from this moment forward in time, I'm going to be okay. And what I need to do is understand what's happening within me and what I need in order to feel safe again and what it is that's happening inside of my partner and what needs to happen or be understood within them so that they feel safe enough to continue. And if we can have that conversation, which very few of us can, then we can find a way to again begin again. I risk with you like this. What do you need to feel safe? Here's what I need to feel safe. Okay, let's start there. And then that will lead to again, I'm willing to do this, and now I'm willing to do this, and now I'm willing to do this. And the next thing you know, I'm saying, oh, my God, I trust you again. I Believe in us again. We're going to make it, it's going to be okay. And that incident that basically sacrificed the trust in our relationship can be a source of actually trust building in the.

End because we got through it together rather than devastation.

Yes, yes. So there are some specific things that I want to point out here in regards to what I just said that really help us wrap our head around how to begin wherever we are in the relationship journey of trust. And the first one is we need to build a safe place to risk. Again, emotionally, this is about emotional safety. And this is where most of couples struggle because they don't understand emotional safety. They can identify, they may not have it or feel it or experience it within themselves or within each other, but they really, again, it's like a trust nuance. I'm. I'm not quite sure where to go about that. I'm going to point you to the idea of permission. That it's okay for me to feel the way I feel and think the way I think, but when that gets compiled with another human being, sometimes we don't give them that same permission. You're supposed to understand where I'm coming from, but I don't need to understand where you're coming from, what works for you. And therefore we're violating the emotional safety of the relationship. The challenging part about relationships and co creation is it can't be all one way. It can't just be your way, it can't just work for you. It needs to work for both. And in that there's a beautiful thing called expansion where I get to expand who I am, what I want, where I can go, what I believe, what I know. Because I'm making room for another person in my world and that other person is going to have different perspectives, needs, thoughts, emotions, wants, desires that are going to hopefully co collaborate with what I want. And that's where the sum of its parts is not worth as much as the whole. Because we can contribute and validate and integrate many of the parts and pieces that we are so low. And we can then create an exponential of that. That's the beauty of relationships. However, if I don't have the emotional safety to do that or to contribute into that relationship, if it's feeling judged, minimized, criticized, shut down, a burden, passive aggressive, controlling, ex manipulative, even cheesy pleasing, I go, ew, I can't deal with this. And that's all a result primarily of emotional safety. So how do we make it safe for ourselves to risk? That's a really great question for you to ask yourself. How do you make it safe for you to risk with another person? What is it you would need to know? What is it you would need to have happen in order to feel comfortable and safe doing that? I'm going to give you a shortcut. Often it's very much a place of I need to understand that you hear me, that you understand where I'm coming from or that I have the safe place to share. Brooke was talking about the beautiful conversation she had with her partner Jack in regards to the many things that she deals with internally, each and every day because of her weight struggle. If we could do that with my motherhood or fatherhood struggle or my career struggle, or my mental health or physical health struggle, you would find there's really no judgment needed. I just need to know that I felt heard and that gives me a safe place to think. You. You get me? Okay, I. I'm willing to risk a little bit. This is also why space with a plan is something that we very much advocate for, because it gives us a place to begin to risk in small places where we can see. Then as I risk here, it grows and it grows and it grows. I have to begin somewhere, though, so that we can put a toe in the water of creating more trust. And it absolutely will require risk. So we need to sort through some of the agreements and commitments that are a part of where do we begin to risk with each other Again, these are at the heart, successfully rebuilding trust. If I don't have a clear parameter about how we're going to risk and I can't advocate or ask for the things that are going to help me feel safe in doing that. And I don't really understand or have a lot of clarity in regards to what's expected of me in the agreement and commitment space. It's inevitable that I'm going to blow it up or that my partner is going to blow it up because there's no clarity there. There's no parameter there for which us to build from. So that's a really important piece that we very much kind of handle very.

You know, in haphazardly.

Haphazardly, I was going to say willy nilly, but I knew that wasn't the greatest example or just kind of very nonchalant about it.

There's no intention. And I don't even think that people realize that that is so important in relationships. And I don't think people realize that's.

Where we get off track very much so. We have this emotional experience of us finding connection again. And we go, okay, whatever, just move back in. And it's like, well, nine times out of ten you're going to find yourself back to where you once were. Because we really don't have an idea, nor do we do the introspection, the intentional planning that's necessary in order to create a parameter that we can create some success within.

Yeah, no, this is a place where I agree, I think it's just easily dismissed. No, we don't need to worry about that. But the details are really, really important. They really are. We talk about this often, especially in our roadmap when we help people go through this is we need to get some baseline of how life is going to continue. Because life is going to continue even when we're taking space, especially if we have more than just us, we have children and businesses and whatever I call them, these baseline understandings of how life is going to continue because it's going to continue. Otherwise we're just really winging it. And there'll be no ability for any kind of rebuilding of trust if we don't have these baseline agreements and understandings.

Well, just for a moment here, while we're in this conversation, think about because safety is directly related to trust. We don't put those two things together sometimes in this sentence, but they very much are a byproduct of themselves. The safer I feel, the more I'm willing to risk, absolutely the better chances I have of building trust. So just take a moment here and think about when you have a step by step laid out plan of whatever it is, fill in the blank. Saving money, investing money, handling my health challenges or getting physically fit or what my boss or anybody for that matter expects of me. There's a level of okay, I get it now, I'm good, I'm safe, I can do my thing now in this.

Parameter takes all the indecisiveness away.

And just think about where do we create parameters and how do we go about that are the emotional nuances of a relationship. When I love you and I want to co create a life with you, that includes, by the way, all of those segments of life, my physical, mental, emotional, financial well being. And we do it without any clarity about what do you expect, what do you want, what do we agree to, what do we want to create, where do we want to go?

I would think most importantly, even before we can get to clarity, there's even no conversation. It's just this kind of, I don't know, it's going to be good like, because we have this incredible connection.

It reminds me of, like a precious teen who has the world at their feet and has no idea what it takes in order to realistically step through the tasks of creating a career or getting an education, a degree, you know, vetting out their love life, et cetera. It's like, oh, it's gonna be great. It's gonna be great. I have a precious grandson who's gone to track meet one first time ever, long jumping. And he says to me, I'm gonna get a third place medal. I don't expect to take a top, but I'm gonna get third place. And you go, that's so precious. Like, like you don't understand yet that, no, it's probably gonna take you at least 20 track meets and about a. And it's going to take you some real dedication to this to pull off what it is you think is possible. Is it possible? And I couldn't want it more for you than you want it for yourself. But. But it's kind of like the. The tea about what's required of us to have it is the place where I find we often missed up in relationships because relationships, we don't really think the other principles of life apply when very much they do. And so we can say, I love you, we had a great night of sex. We finally had a great conversation. We had a breakthrough. It's fantastic. I love you, you love me, Move back in. It's gonna be great. Based on what? What have we uncovered here now? Those moments are incredible. We wanna look at them and say what worked here for me. This is incredible. I love this. I want more of this. Okay, great. Let's talk about creating more of that. How are we gonna do it? And then the parts that don't work, we don't wanna talk about those parts, but I don't wanna look about those parts. We don't even want to talk about or explore those parts while those parts are telling us what it is we want to correct and the different direction that we need to advocate for going in a new direction so that we can create more of what it is we want. My super tips, are these the first thing in rebuilding trust? If this is where you are, avoid using the use of jumping through all these hoops. Let me see your social media. Let me check your phone. Did you delete that social media account? I'm going to put a tracker on your car. I need you to check in with me every five minutes. I need you to text me every day and make sure that you are where you say you are. The only thing that is beneficial from that is that you're going to turn yourself into a crazy person. It doesn't work. And the person that's having to do all these things might do them because they want the relationship, but it's unsustainable. They're never going to be able to do it for the long haul. It's only going to be a setup to where at some point in time they're going to misstep. And then we're all back to the beginning in the first place. And you monitoring this, it's gonna make you into a crazy person. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Like it's gonna create a disaster for you. Now, I get that's where your logic goes, but there are a lot better solutions than that. So the hoop jumping doesn't work. It absolutely doesn't work. Also, we get stuck in the past because our focus is on what happened. It's on what didn't work. It's on, oh my gosh, I don't know that I can ever get over this. I don't know that this is ever gonna work for me. I'm so scared about this happening again. And we relive it again and again and again and again. And that's never gonna take us to the places that we wanna go in regards to building trust. So what do I need to do instead? I need to focus on what it is I want. Where is it I wanna go with you? What is it I wanna create and risk with you to see if we can be successful with this. Because if I can do that, it's gonna transcend everything that we've just been through. And if I have a safe place with you to understand you, and you have a safe place to understand me, we can more easily vet out what it is we want so that we can transcend this thing that we've been stuck in or that's happened in our relationship. But it's very much a part of our story. The wants become very important. The don't wants, what's not working are only important to such a degree that it helps me understand what I want to advocate and create with you again.

So basically, reverse those, reverse our don't wants into do wants.

Focus and set your sights on what you want and need and then create a safe place or a safe measure of risk.

And we know this, all of us, because the greater majority of people that work with us, they say, tom, Stacy Burke, I have no idea what I do want. Then we say, that's fine. Everyone, myself included, can very quickly say what we don't want. So then we just. We take the opposite of that. Is that a fair enough way to approach that? Because I think a lot of people, like, God, I don't. I don't know. I'm not clear what I do want. Right. So flip it.

If I don't want this, then what do you want? And. And these wants start to create the parade to take another step forward. So if we can agree to these things that are a byproduct of what I don't want, and then I flip them into a want, and then I create those into an agreement and a commitment that we all feel good and safe about taking, then we can start rebuilding trust. And until that all happens, we can't really. It's a very nebulous unspoken place where we go, okay, hopefully that new experience that we just had will happen again.

It's gonna stick.

Yeah. The asking for what you want is so important. And people say, yeah, I've already done that. Yeah, but you're probably doing it in a place of, like, you should do.

This if you really love me. You would.

Yeah, it's stacked with, like, obligation.

So give us an example of how you would ask for in a way that wasn't like.

Like that. What I'd really like to ask you for is, oh, that's good. It's not mired in anything. It's just genuine. It's just coming through me in this moment.

And how about if our special someone says, no, I'm not able to do that.

Help me understand your no. Help me understand what's concerning about this. And we'll have to do another podcast about no. That's a thing in and of itself. Yes and no would be a really great episode because we get so put off by no. And yet no is a really great opportunity. We don't often see it that way. It's kind of like the nebulous behavior of trust. I don't understand what no really means. I just know I'm afraid of it. So immediately it shuts the conversation down. And what we don't realize about no is there's so much more to explore.

There's a place of negotiation. Well, then, okay, what. What could you do? I mean, there's always a place.

Negotiation, but exploration.

Yeah, that's a good point. Exploration. Like, it gives you a place to go from rather than this. I don't know. I'd much rather have a no than I don't know yes.

And A quick super tip for disclosing what you're asking for, what it is you want. I want you to explore. What are the words that you're longing to hear? Or what is the touch that you're longing to feel? Or what is the overall experience you're wanting to create? That's your ask. Get more specific. We need to step out of platitude things. I just want to spend more time with you. Well, gosh, that could look like a lot of things my partner can say. Well, you just drove with me to the store and to pick up supplies and I took you all day on the job with me. Like, that's time. What's the deal? No, no, no, that doesn't really count. Well, why? I can't wrap my head around that. So we need to get more specific with what those wants are. So, again, explore. What does it sound like, what does it feel like? What is the overall experience you're wanting? And then ask for that. What I'd like to ask you for is the next super tip is be open to allowing your partner to need things are longing for, to feel safe that you maybe don't need, because your partner is a very different person and therefore they're going to need very different things. But as they share these things with you and you do the same in that place of permission, I understand more about me and I understand more about you. That's the sweet spot of emotional safety. I'm not expecting you any longer to see it my way or you to see it your way. That we can be who we are and we can share this and explore this and understand this and know that this in and of itself will be the greatest contribution into our relationship and into each other that we could possibly manufacture in any other way.

I'm thinking about a couple weeks ago. We had a really powerful class that you present. You share with us, babe, on preferences. So what you just shared was. Am I correct? And it's amazing. We think, oh, everyone has the same preferences as us. The heck we do. They were very different. And so we went into very clear, very detailed about what that looks like and how can we might understand what other person's preferences are? Realize that they're not ours.

Yeah, very much so. And that's not right or wrong or good or bad or inferior or superior. But often we come off that way. My preferences are, of course, right. And. And what's interesting is we all feel that way. Like, what's wrong with you? Get on board with the program, for God's Sakes. What I'm really saying is, get on board with my preferences and sacrifice your own, please. Because yours are really messed up. I don't know how you acquired those, but they're really messed up. That's all I gotta say. So here's how you need to do it. Or I'm on the other side of the coin where I totally negate my own preferences. And I think by adhering to your preferences, I'm gonna find happiness. And I just want you to know, neither of us take us to the promised land. They take us to a place of personal and emotional and relational breakdown, which leads me to my next point. My next super tip is don't punish or make them pay, please. I get it. I get you're hurt. I get you're disappointed. When trust gets broken, it makes so much sense to me. But in that emotional pain, I'm going to really encourage you to not buy into the illusion or the idea that your brain is probably going to come up with that if you make them pay or you punish them for what they've done, that you're somehow going to feel better. These acts of behavior will only continue to fray your relationship, not only with the person you're thinking you want to build trust with or come back around to understand, but it also frays and betrays the relationship with yourself. Why? Sometimes we don't think about that. Why? How does that happen? Because in order to make somebody pay or to punish them, I'm gonna have to show up as a version of myself that I am not. I'm gonna need to say and do and justify things that I typically would not do unless I was feeling hurt. And in the end, when I look back a year, five, 10 or so from now, I'm gonna feel terrible. I'm gonna know there's a part of me that's gonna go, you know what? That was really messed up. I can't believe you went down that road. I can't believe you took the kids away, drained the bank account, burned the tires, slash the car seat. The crazy things that we can come up with, partners are going to, like, learn something from this or finally understand our pain or where we're coming from. No, they're not. What's going to happen is you're going to feel terrible about the person you are that's going to contribute to probably a long line of, I don't trust myself, I doubt myself, I don't have a safe place within me. And here's yet another example of why that's True. I know I did this when I lay my head on the pillow at night. I can justify it because of what you did. But the end of the day, it's not who I want to be. And that's how that happens. And in this place of rebuilding trust, those are the key components of what I would encourage you to focus on. And so I feel like it warrants just simply reviewing very quickly again. The first thing you need in order to begin rebuilding trust is I've got to build a safe place to risk again. What does that look like for you? I need to know what that is for myself. And then I also need to give that permission to my partner. They may need different things to risk with you. We need to find out and have conversations to discover what that is. We need to give them the question of what is it you would feel you need in order to feel safe risking with me again so that we can rebuild our trust. What would that look like? And don't be surprised if they have a blank stare on their face. They don't know. That's a question that we've never contemplated before. But just ask em to sit with it for a minute as you do so yourself. That's gonna begin the plan, the process of building emotional safety. And then we need a plan. We need a place where we take into account how feel how safe we feel and where it is we can risk. What does that look like? Where do I feel like I can maybe get all in with you in risk and see how this goes and we can build some safety here. We need to have some conversations around agreements and commitments. And these are going to be at the heart of successfully rebuilding trust. If I know what the parameter is, if I know what we're agreeing to and we're going to scale it way back so that we all feel safe. All I need to do is do this one or two or three things. Yeah, sounds great. And if those things happen really well, then I'm going to want to explore more of what's possible with you. So pick those one or two or three things where we can begin and then again avoid getting stuck in the don't wants the past. That's a very common place for us to just get mired in what I call the rabbit hole. And there's no bottom to that thing. We can spend a lifetime in that place. And so to use that don't want to turn it into a do want which we can advocate and ask for and we can get specific with which ironically is going to contribute to a lot of those things we want to put in our plan that we know are going to help meet the needs that I have in this moment in my willingness to risk with you. And then lastly, please, I mean, don't punish your partner. Don't require your partner to jump through hoops. It's always a huge backfire. That not only doesn't build trust, it actually compromises the trust and the safe spot that we need to be developing inside of ourselves. Okay, as we conclude this conversation of trust, I'm just gonna check in with the two of you. Is there anything that you feel like we need to touch on or address before we close the show?

No, that's a lot. We need a lot. This might be one you listen to more than once. And like Brooke said, trust and communication. It's the top two of the four or five that people reach out to us rather for clarity calls or one on ones or join one of our programs. This is a huge, huge, important conversation. And hopefully you've got some things to where allow you to maybe expand your parameter, expand how you're viewing this. Because we do take, I would hope, a different but helpful approach to how you can navigate through this. Just because you feel trust is broken, I would say the. At the end of the day, if you take anything away is what we want you to know is just because you feel trust is broken doesn't mean your relationship is open.

Well, and if I find myself blaming somebody else for the breach of trust, where do I feel unsafe? Start there. Where do I feel unsafe? Explore that for yourself. I know that this is a big conversation and I know that there's a place of a lot of illusion and misunderstanding around the conversation of trust. So as we wrap this conversation up today, I want to invite you to share your comments or questions with us about this or quite frankly, any of the episodes up to this point in time, but specifically around trust. Come on, engage with us. We want a dialogue with you. We want to help and support you with this conversation of trust because it truly is one of the most misunderstood principles and places in the relationship journey. And what I know is the more we can step in and explore this conversation, the better we can get at it. So you can go to my website, you can post comments on our social media channels, you can post comments underneath this episode. We would love to hear what you have to say about trust and what's coming up for you as a result of this conversation today. And lastly, if you or someone you love is needing a guiding light and support with building and practicing trust in their own lives. Please allow me to invite you to join me and the team for 30 days. The roadmap experience is a place of ongoing support, the learning of new skills on, the practice of new skills needed for personal and relational healing, all while developing a personal sense of clarity, self confidence and self esteem and trust within oneself. You can check out all the details and join us by going to loveandlimboroadmap. Com and if by chance you're thinking, I need maybe something a little smaller here to bite off on, if you would simply like to spend an evening with me and get your specific questions.

And with Merck and I, yes, the.

Whole family, not just Stacey and get your questions answered live by me and the team, then I invite you to sign up for a love and limbo session and you can do this by going to loveinlimbo. Com. These are the places that we have created for you to not only have these conversations, but to explore them deeper for yourself and your relationship. So as we step into the fall of fun today, I thought maybe appropriately so, a thoughtful exploration might be in order. We often don't think of self reflection as something that's fun, but I'm going to challenge you on that. There's nothing more rewarding when you go, hi. Get it. In fact, I had a moment like that with Tom today where I've been sitting with myself and come to realize a few things. And in that moment it is such a freeing, fun moment of aha. Where I go, aha. I get it. I come home to myself. That makes so much sense. And so today's follow the fun is just that if we'll take this thoughtful moment of exploration, you too can have an aha moment just like that where you feel like, oh wow, I'm finally home. So I invite you to reflect on your own personal relationship with trust today. How do you feel regarding taking risks with another? Is that scary? Is that something that causes you to shut down? Do you know that you have inside of yourself? But it's when you start to commingle it with somebody else and not knowing what they're thinking or where they are or how they're going to handle it or how they're going to show up? Does that part freak you out? If so, I encourage you to note and jot down all the reasons that come up for you that that's uncomfortable, unsafe, don't feel like I have it to risk. And on the flip side, do you feel. How do you feel about relying on Yourself? Is that something that you're okay with? And choosing yourself first above all others? What does that look like? How are you going to embark on that proposition? Do you feel like if you were left alone by yourself, that you would be okay? You could count on yourself to acquire all the things that you might need monetarily, physically, emotionally, relationally. Do I have the ability to do that? Explore that and note down all the things that come up for you. Your answers to these questions will be the beginnings of you uncovering your beliefs and feelings around trust and where it is you feel comfortable risking and where it is you don't. And I just want to follow this up by saying there's no right or wrong answers here. Your answers are what are important. And as we close this episode out with a song, we choose a song for each and every episode. This song I selected for you today is by Parson James, and the title of the song is Only you. And I want to encourage you today that when you listen. Listen to today's song. I want you to imagine singing this song to yourself, not someone that you love. Again, what is trust about? It's about finding a safe place within me so that I can risk with you. And in that risk, I know, regardless of how it goes, I'm going to be okay. How do I know that? On the front side, I don't. But I have it to risk with you because however it goes, I know that I'm going to be okay. And here's why. I want you to sing this song to yourself. Because it says, when I'm feeling your love it's like a wind that blows. I can't give up and I can't let go When I'm broken down and I get bruised I'm going to get back to myself I'm going to come home to you. And I think that is the idea that we need to hold within ourselves. There's a place of, like, when the wind blows. What does the wind blow mean? Means permission, safety. I'm okay. Freedom. Freedom to be me. Freedom to express, to explore, to find my way. When the wind blows, that's a beautiful place inside of us because we're truly home. And there's not a person who experiences this place inside of themselves who doesn't have some sort of an expression of how freeing that is, to finally realize I'm comfortable in my own skin. I finally understand and know me and the person that I am and what my next step is. And I can't give up. I can't let go. I hope not. Because if we can give up and let go of ourselves, the rest of our lives is gonna be a shit show. I don't ever want you to feel like you've gotta let go of who you are and give up on who you can be. And when I'm broken down and I'm confused and I'm bruised and I don't know what to do. Yeah, those are the moments where we need to find our way back to home. What is home? You. And then I calibrate from there and from that place, everything that's possible in a relationship. What I can give, what I can risk, what I can do, what I can trust, what I can will be made known to you. And so many times we try and traverse from a place of unclarity and unknown and a place of not being home, only to create yet another dilemma or drama or experience in our lives yet again. Because I failed the critical step of what coming home. Let me just reassess and calibrate from there. You can find this song on our Spotify playlist Love Shack Live playlist, or you can find it on our website stacybartley.com that's a wrap. Thank you so much for listening today and if you or somebody that you know needs this information, you would find it helpful, please pass it along. We invite you to do that. This is important information. It's a conversation that needs to happen more often. My humble opinion. So please feel free to share it. I invite you to share it. And if by chance you need help and support, just know that that's why we're here. And thank you so much today for being with us inside the Love Shack for this important conversation. We look forward to having many more with you in the future. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Sam.