#170: Speaking Your Truth: The First Step to Healing Conversations in Relationships (Part Two)

Why don't we talk anymore? It's a question that echoes in the silence of countless relationships. A whisper of longing for the days when conversations flowed easily. Sharing ourselves was effortless, which caused our hearts to feel closed. Welcome to Love Shack Live a beacon for those navigating the quiet spaces between words, seeking to bridge the gaps and rekindle the spark of understanding and intimacy. I I'm Stacey Bartley, joined by my co host and lover Tom and our daughter Brooke. We're here to guide you through the complexities of communication today, offering hope and strategies to those who wonder where the conversations went and the closeness has gone. Today we're venturing deep into our three part communication series with a sprinkle of something quite extraordinary. A little thing I call fairy dust. This isn't just about words, it's about the essence that makes every word count. Enveloping our attempts to connect. A gentle embrace of empathy and caring. And in the hearts of today's journey, we uncover the power of calling it out, which is the courage to express your inner world with vulnerability and honesty, thereby transforming shadows of misunderstanding into beacons of clarity. It's about shifting from you did this to I experience this. A simple change that can softly dismantle barriers and open doors to deeper connection. One also share how to weave questions into your conversations, turning moments of potential conflict into opportunities for closeness and support. Imagine the difference it makes when you not only share your feelings, but also gently invite your partner to share theirs, thereby creating a dialogue that's as nourishing as it is healing. If you're seeking to rediscover the closeness you once shared, to sprinkle your interactions with the magic of understanding and genuine connection, then join us here today. Together we'll explore how fairy dust and the courage to call it out can illuminate the path to a deeper, more fulfilling partnership for you.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Today we're diving into part two of three communication series. We're going to do a recap really fast of part one because I think for those of you who haven't listened to part one, it will be helpful then if this inspires you and you go, wow, I need that. You. You know where to find it. It's in the previous episode here in this communication series. What we talked about in number one is our biggest challenge is not the words that we use when it comes to communication, our biggest challenge is the emotional regulation. What do I mean by that? When words are spoken and we start going places in our own narratives or in our own minds. What ends up happening is we deregulate emotionally very quickly. We all know what that feels like. We're having a conversation and we're spinning up and we're shutting down and all of a sudden we can't take it anymore. It's kind of like we hang on for as long as we possibly can. And then I react and I go on the backside. I'm going, I should have listened more. Yeah, I shouldn't have said that. Yeah, I shouldn't have stalloned out and slammed the door. But we did, because we didn't know how to emotionally regulate in the heart of it. So we talk about an emotional pushup, which is important to know and understand how to do. And that emotional pushup helps us to regulate so that the communication can continue. And if not, then you declare it and you say, we're going to come back to this. You take a much needed pause to kind of recalibrate and think about what it is you truly want to say. So often when we rev up or we shut down, that's where our conversations start to take a turn. They start to slip off track. We end up talking about all kinds of things that weren't even pertinent to the communication that we were trying to have. We're talking about last year's Christmas party or five years ago birthday that we were all at and were upset about, or last year's spending. And what we really needed to talk about was dividing household chores, for example. It slides off track. And all of a sudden we find ourselves talking about a lot of things that we didn't intend to when we get emotionally deregulated. And that's why we need to do an emotional pushup. Which leads us to the next point that we talked about, which is emotional safety and the importance of it. If we don't have emotional safety in our relationship, we will not share. It's as though we feel like we're talking to a stranger and we're not going to say what we need to say with a stranger. We're not going to be able to get honest and vulnerable. We're not going to be able to share the things that are really on my mind and on my heart because I don't have the emotional safety to do so. And this leads us to the final point that we make in episode number one of the series, which is understanding that is what it is we're pursuing in our communication and also the realization that we all have a movie that plays in our minds that needs to be vetted out, hence the need to share and talk. And these are very important things when it comes to the overall goal of communication. I have to be able to emotionally regulate myself. I need to understand the importance of emotional safety. And I've got to garner the skill of doing that emotional push up when I start to spin up and know how to navigate myself through it. And if everybody took that on as the responsibility to improve our communication, I promise you, your communication will do much, much better.

So similar to other things in life, there's a significant amount of preparation that needs to take place, at least from the way that we teach and coach and mentor before the words are spoken. Ideally, this is what's going to create better communication.

Absolutely. We put a lot of care and thought into many things, but the way I want to present this information, I mean, truthfully, that's a new idea. Because of the way we create and teach our communication techniques, Most of us approach communication where you're just going to kind of step off the cliff and hope it goes well. You finally mustered up the courage. I got to say something, I got to say it now. But we don't put a lot of forethought or know how to or would even think to put a lot of forethought into what it is I want to bring to the table. We would not knowing better, just do our best, cross our fingers and hope that it's going to go well. And so that's what this communication series is for. It is the alternative to just crossing your fingers and hoping that this is going to go well and to understand that the more important the conversation is, the more challenging it feels for you. The more we need to slow down and the more intentional we need to be around it. And yes, we can lay it out, we can plan it, and we know how to navigate and steer through it, if you understand these frameworks. So today we're actually setting the stage for the first step of opening up a conversation. Last week's episode was all about you getting yourself into a place where you were ready to embark on a conversation. That's how important it is now. Today we're going to step into actually the communication itself and how to set it up and be successful with it. So we're going to be talking about the first steps for opening up a conversation, especially when you're talking about difficult things. We begin to build a sandwich. We. We refer to these frameworks in the metaphor of a sandwich. And the reason why is just like you would build a really incredible Juicy sandwich. There are parts that you need to contemplate and consider as you're putting this together in order to enjoy the process and get to the other side of a difficult conversation. The reason why most of us as human beings AVO a difficult conversation is because we don't have a lot of experiences of getting through it. And so if Brooke and Tom ever tease me about getting all kinds of giddy when we got to sit down and have a difficult conversation, it's just because I know that all the really good stuff that we want is on the other side of that conversation. And now that we've got everybody ready to have it, oh, this is going to get really good. Things are going to get so much better. I'm so excited, and that's just because I have a lot of experience and not only getting my through difficult conversations, but the honor and privilege of getting hundreds, if not thousands of individuals through a difficult conversation. So it works. It really works if you work it. So I want you to think about these frameworks in the form of a sandwich. And today we're going to lay down our first piece of bread and we're going to put down the meat of our sandwich, knowing that in the third part of this series, we'll come back and add all the special accoutrements, the lettuce, the tomato, the special sauce, you know, accoutrements.

Oh, wow, that's a pretty fancy word.

This is a powerful framework, I promise that's going to support you with navigating through conversations with success without sacrificing the emotional safety, which when you listen to the first part of this series, if you haven't already, you're going to understand, like, no fly zone, safety first. Right?

We don't have safety, we don't want to breach. The emotional safety cannot go anywhere. Right.

Very important. You've got to emotionally regulate and it's got to feel safe. And honestly, those two things go together. If I can't emotionally regulate myself myself, it's not going to feel safe.

In layman's terms, would emotional regulate means keep your s together?

Yes. Okay. I guess you could say keep your together, your ass together. I just, for clarity, I just wanted to make sure that everybody understood what the s was.

And for those of you may wonder, we used to be on the radio and we couldn't curse. And not that we try to curse all the time, but sometimes, you know, a little curse word is hopefully your children aren't listening. If they are, we apologize.

All right, here are the components of A communications and way just to kind of like wet your whistle for a minute. They are these Fairy Dust. Call it out. Commingle your differences. Claim your spot. Continue the conversation followed by another part of Fairy Dust. Okay.

Wow, that's quite a sandwich.

It is a delicious sandwich. And just like a good sandwich, you think about it first and you know the primary ingredients before building it. So it is with good communication. So in this episode, like I said, we're going to talk about Fairy dust and the first C of the 4C method. Call it out. So let's talk about Fairy Dust and the magic of it. Number one, what in the heck is it? Fairy dust are the three basic human needs that we all seek in communication and relationships. To be heard. There's a human experience. If you hear me, then you get me. You understand me. Even if you don't agree with me. At least I have an experience that you understand where I'm coming from. Therefore you understand and get me. Understanding me. Hearing me out is really important because if you shut me down, don't want to hear me, ignore me, don't listen, dismiss me, dismantle me, criticize what I have to say. We don't realize that we are taking that exceptionally personal. Like you are not just criticizing the words I'm using. You're criticizing me because these are the things that are important to me. These are the thoughts I think, these are the feelings I feel, these are the experiences I'm having. And as a human being, if you don't get those, then you don't get me. So being hurt is exceptionally important. The second thing of Fairy Dust is appreciation. The appreciation that I'm working my tail off. I'm doing my best, I'm pouring in, I'm trying to figure it out. I'm trying to do all the guesswork of deciding what makes you happy. I'm doing a lot of sacrificing of myself in order to make this good for us. I'm working my tail off physically, mentally, emotionally. And so when it goes unnoticed, I really start to become frustrated and resentful. By the way, these are universal. We all have an experience with these three things. So saying that you appreciate what I do, or telling me thank you. Or that you notice the effort and energy I'm putting into me. Us, our children, our household, our finances. Anything that we co create together will be richly rewarded. And if it's missing, we can say, oh, yeah, we don't do that in that family because we don't need it. And I'm going To say, yeah, that's like saying like you don't need to breathe. Like the hell you don't. You do. That's just a denial piece, defensive piece, because you feel uncomfortable doing it, let's just call out what it is. Okay? And the third is we all need reassurance. There is always a part of self doubt within the majority of us. And the more I think I don't need this, the more you probably do. Reassurance is something that we all need because it's a matter of time before our knees get a little wobbly and our armpits get a little sweaty and we implode on ourselves wondering, can I do this? Am I good enough? Can I handle it? Am I worthy? Are you still in love with me even though you're checking out that sexy hunk or that beautiful woman over there? We all need it. And so what we're really needing reassurance of is that I matter to you and that this relationship matters. Because if we're going to the effort of understanding each other and we're going to the effort of working our tails off to pour into this co creation called us, and then I get a little wobbly and I wonder because I'm making messes, you're making messes. And sometimes we think these messes are, oh man, are they recoverable. Yeah, they are. But reassurance goes a long way to help me remember I matter to you and you matter to me. And this relationship that we're working on, this piece that we're co creating together, it matters too. And that refuels us like so fairy dust has this ability to refuel us like in a nanosecond and all of us need it and we don't get enough of it. And so fairy dust can be used to bring down and lower the defenses of a conversation, especially when and we're needing it to go well, well.

And I think it's really, really significant that that's where you start. That's where you start. How often do we hear when people come in and work with us in our membership communities or individually, they've got so much going on and until these things are complete, I can't do X. Usually it's novelty. I can't acknowledge. The heck you can't. You actually have to. Oftentimes you lead with that because we're never going to get it all done. We're never going to get all figured out. So correct me if I'm wrong, I intentionally. You've learned over our many, many thousands of hours of working with people that we need to lead with. Fairy does often ask people and myself include, like, how often in our normal day do we experience what you just said, other than maybe our significant other? Like, when we're at. Like, no, you don't need to. I've already been appreciated enough today. Like heck. Like, how about when you see someone's name on their lapel, like, in a grocery store, and you say, gosh, thanks, Fred. Like, they look at you like, what? Well, you know, you've got the. Your name on the lapel, meaning, like, you've acknowledged them by. What is it, the William James quote about whatever I'm going to butcher, but.

The sweetest sound to a human is their own name.

Thank you, Brooke. See, we didn't even plan that. Almost like it was on cue.

But it's because I work for my uncle, too, and he uses that quote a lot. So I haven't memorized. Yes, dad, to everything that you said. But also, I know we have a lot of my anxious people who listen to our podcast. And something that can happen when you know that your partner is going to want to be having a serious conversation with you. It can make you want to crawl and hide into a hole because you think, oh, God, they don't love me anymore. Our relationship is over. All of those terrible thoughts that really are not true, but that's where you go, because you don't have that sense of security inside of yourself that other people do. So this fairy dust can be very helpful in that way because it can give you that reassurance you need. Like, look, this has nothing to do with us ending our relationship. You can just say that, like, our relationship being over is not on the table right now. The foundation between you and me is strong. We just have this issue that I need to discuss, and that can take all of that reeling and mental gymnastics you would be doing during the conversation. Like, oh, my God, is he slowly marching us towards the funeral of our relationship with this conversation? Oh, no, he just doesn't like the way I do the laundry. All of that can be stopped before it starts. Which, that's another really cool thing about fairy dust that I don't think we talk about often. That can be so neat that it's kind of an instant. Like, oh, you don't have to go there because we've already set the stage before the conversation has begun.

Mm. Well, it lowers everybody's defenses. I don't think any of us respond well to the narrative of, you know what we need to Talk. You get the tone of voice and you get the body language. And all of us kind of, whether we're anxious or not, go, oh, hell, okay, what now? And. And we come into the conversation from that place very defensive. Like, the walls are already. They're not all the way up. I'm willing to engage with you, but let's be honest, there's already a little bit of a shield happening there where I have to approach this and be very careful and on eggshells and be very downplayed, like very guarded, shall I say?

I would say it's the absolute. The defensiveness is going to get heightened. Unbelievably, to be fair, for all of us with just. With those three or four words, we need to talk. Like, it's gonna be a tight. Even though there's nothing. We talk all the time. Like, I've tightened. There's a tightening. It's just natural of the conditioning that most of us have. Just. It's just like, oh, gosh. So could we use some other words to set it up for better success?

Well, try that on. We need to talk. Or I approach it from a place of fairy dust, remembering those three things we just talked about. Hey, babe, I have some things I want to share with you and I want to hear what you have to say about them too. I want you to know that I love and appreciate you. And you and our relationship matter so much to me. This is why I'm bringing it up.

And I would take option B.

Well. And what happens is this fairy dust piece. And all I did was I touched on each of those three things. And this is a great way to help us lower our defenses and allow a more open dialogue to happen because we are already knowing, to Brooke's point. Look, it's not about the relationship being on the chopping block. It's not about blaming me. It's not about punishing me. It's not about screwing up. It's not about any of that. It's about us having a conversation to improve our relationship. Who doesn't want to sign up for that if we're co creating together? So it is an essential starting and ending point in our communication.

Very dust, top and bottom.

And think of it as the bread. Like that. Bread is the substance that holds it all together. And without it, you can't eat a sandwich. The whole dang thing is going to fall apart. Those are the critical elements that bring it all together and make it enjoyable. And so it is with fairy dust. Okay? Those three things are important. So we want to set the stage with that. That's the first part of the sandwich. The second part is the calling it out. And the calling it out is this how we typically open up difficult conversations is going to start from a place of, well, you know, what I noticed was you forgot to do the or what were you thinking when you did? That's usually how we open them. And again, even if we've laid fairy dust, I'm really not talking about what it is I want to talk about. I'm not talking about it from a place of what is not working or working for me or what it is I want more of. I'm talking about it because I'm pointing over yonder to what my partner is doing or not doing that's causing this emotion to happen inside of me. So instead of talking about myself, I'm talking about you. And here's a big super tip. As human beings, again, this is another universal principle. The minute you do that, it is not going to go well. None of us like to be accused, judged, criticized, minimized, cornered, shut down, ignored. And so you are, even if the reaction isn't there and I'm holding it while you're, you know, really giving me the business because of something you, you're experiencing. It's going to cost you and it's going to cost you big. So instead we've got to call it out for ourselves. And so the there's three parts to call it out. This first C in our sandwich. So we have the bread down and then we're going to step into calling it out means I need to have a statement of truth. And a statement of truth is followed by a sincere ask, which is followed by an invitation into the conversation. And so we're going to give you all three of these parts. A statement of truth. Let's start there. I've said my fairy dust, I've laid down my piece of bread and now I'm going to give a statement of truth. Now a statement of truth is, just to be clear, a piece of self disclosure about what is happening in me, what are my thoughts, what am I thinking, what are the things that I want to share. There's actually seven different parts to something that I could explore inside of myself. That would be a statement of truth. We're going to keep it to the most common. Here's what I'm thinking, here's what I'm feeling, and here's my experience.

Those are the most common thinking, feeling in my experience.

So those things are places where I can Disclose something that I'm experiencing inside of me. And how this gets misconstrued as people say, will you being an asshole is statement of my truth. Well, no, that's not a statement of truth because you're judging someone. It's about somebody else. It's not about you. It's not about what's going on inside of you. That's a statement of truth. And we do this by I statements to share what it is I'm thinking or what it is I'm feeling. Without placing blame. You're essentially owning and disclosing what you personally are experiencing. And this is huge. You get this one right after the fairy dust, it's going to go so much better. Why? A couple of things are going to happen. Number one, the person that you're trying to have a conversation with isn't going to feel attacked right out of the gate from the blame, from the finger pointing. They're going to understand where you're coming from and what you're experiencing. And it's also going to validate yourself. What are is that? Well, as a human being, we all have this little biological pop that goes off inside of us when I say that's what I'm thinking, that's what I'm feeling, that's what I'm wanting. There's this place that goes, huh, good job. You know yourself, you understand what you're thinking and you understand you. I love it. And you get a biological pop. Whether we're talking about something I love, like my favorite food or my favorite outfit or something that I'm looking forward to, or I'm talking about what hurts me, what upsets me, what makes me angry, where I go in my own experience. Those things are all very validating because you're understanding yourself. So I want you to notice this too. Nobody's giving me anything. Like, this is an experience for me. When I call it out, it is. Here's what's upsetting me. Here's where I go. And we're going to get to the part where. And this is what I'd like to ask you for. So that first part of I statements is just that. So let's give you some examples. I'm feeling. That's a classic. It could be. I'm thinking, I'm noticing when this happens, I get so mad, I get so infuriated. And I just want to explore it with you. Let me check it out. When we come from this place, I also want you to know this creates a congruence with your tone of Voice and your body language. Why is that important? Because so many of us try and talk about things that aren't congruent. For example, I'm crying and sobbing my eyes out because you've hurt my feelings. But I don't say, oh, my gosh, what you just said hurt my feelings. So I'm crying because you hurt my feelings, and then I'm trying to convince you I'll be fine. That creates such an incongruence. I can see you crying, I can see your body language. I can hear your tone of voice. And then what you're saying is not congruent. So you know what? We're going to go with your body language, and then I'm going to make up a whole bunch of stuff about what that means without realizing, you could just lay down a statement of truth, and it feels safer to venture there without going, whoa, now I really need to be concerned and afraid because not only did you say, we gotta talk, and then you followed that up by, you're such a jerk. And now I see you crying on the couch telling me that you're fine. Do you see where steps 1, 2, and 3 all of a sudden, sudden just blew any hope of us having a constructive conversation out of the water. It's not going anywhere. We might as well just pull the flag, call it quits, and come back around to it another time because of how we're approaching it. And most of us have examples of approaching it just like this. So instead, we start with our statement of truth, which is a disclosure of me, and then we follow it up, up by an ask. And that ask is essentially what it is you feel personally would remedy what it is you're feeling that came from or thinking that came from that statement of truth in the first place. So if I said, tom, I'm feeling really angry about the conversation we just had, then I would have an ask, which is my remedy to what it is I would need to help me get back on track and for me to explain or help you understand where I just went and what I'm experiencing. What I'd like to ask is for us to just take a moment and reset here so that I can calm down, and then you help me understand the intention of what it is you were really trying to say. That's my ask. And so if we don't know how to ask, there's a couple of things I want to touch on here in our asking. Our ask is simply a sincere ask that's based on me telling you or sharing with you asking you for what it is that would help me in this moment of disclosure or something that I want to ask for that I feel like would benefit us or you. This was a place too where I could also say, you know what? I perceive that you're really struggling with X. That's my statement of truth. Truth. It's my perception, it's my belief. I could be wrong. What I'd like to ask you is if you would be interested in some resources that I'm finding really helpful. That's my ask. Do you want them? I have them. Just want you to know the ask is very specific. And the more specific you get, the better it will go. We have a difficult time. Side note, with our asking as a human being, that was actually something that was shut down when we were very small. And so you know what we learned to do instead?

Throw a fit.

Yes.

Or shut down.

Just think about how we attempt to get our needs met. If I can't ask for it, if I can't lay the card on the table, if I can't 100 disclose it, I can throw a fit, act out. I can criticize you. I can work my fanny off to try and obligate you. You know, working on that law of reciprocity. After all I do for you, you're gonna give me this or you better give it to me. You said I do. You said you were in this. So this is what you're going to do to make me happy. That's your job.

Little manipulation.

Yeah. Yeah. Yep. I can criticize, I can belittle, I can judge, I can coerce, I can obligate.

Leverage.

Leverage, yeah. So if I don't know how to ask and I don't get good at asking so that we can actually explore what it is you're wanting. And that's something that needs to come from within us. My partner doesn't know what that is for me, unfortunately. They can't read minds. They don't know how you need to ask for it. And now a beautiful thing happens. You're teaching your partner how to love you best. They don't know what you really need. They know what they need. If the big if is they take the time to look. Most of us don't know what we need. We don't spend a lot of time there. We don't know how to ask. It's uncomfortable. We start making up things like I'm selfish, that's self centered, I don't deserve to ask. If you don't want to kick a Good at asking. Guess what? Then you're going to manipulate the shit out of your partner. There is no other way. We all have needs. Emotionally, physically, mentally, financially. We all have different ways of needing that support. We always look to the love languages. This is where the conversation of the love languages come up. And I just smile and say, you know, we all need the love languages. And knowing that you want acts of service still doesn't give me a lot of information. Why don't you drill down on that and tell me what you really need? Oh, you want me to take you out on Saturday? Oh, you. You actually want that pretty bracelet that you saw or. Or those new tires for your big truck? Oh, okay. Okay. Now we're making some progress. They're too platitudish, and we've got to get more specific. So in your ask, it's important that you realize the ask is usually a remedy to what you're experiencing that you just disclosed in your I statement. And. Or something that you would like to offer to your partner and. Or something you would like to create together or something you would like to create for yourself. And those are all things that you need to come up with inside of you. And ask works best if you're specific. Wanting to spend more time with your partner is not specific enough. Wanting to create a budget together is probably not specific enough. How would I make those two things more specific? What does time look like for you? What does it sound like to you when you play it in your mind? What are you hoping will happen when I say I want to just spend time with you? Because somebody's going to say, well, we drove all day together in the car. I mean, that's time. And you're thinking, no, it's actually a dinner with no distractions, just you and me talking and laughing like we once did. Well, you would be better to ask for the dinner. Like, talking, sharing, pulling up a comedy. Can we go to a comedy show? Can we go out on a date? Then I. And we need time together. Do you see how that could be so misconstrued? And the last thing I'm going to say about ask is shoot for the stars. Like, ask for what you want. Give it a go. Go for the whole enchilada. Most of us ask for the part that we think that we can get or that's appropriate, not what I really, really want. And we miss the biggest gift of asking overall, that validation piece when we can give ourselves permission to truly ask for the whole enchilada. We don't Realize it's not so much about getting what it is I'm asking for. It's more about me allowing myself the permission to ask for what it is that's gnawing at me. Ah, it's almost as good as getting it. Like, oh, there's such a wonderful joy that happens when you lay the card down for real. This is what I really want. And now you giving it to me is just the icing on the cake, because the real gift has truly been given. The easiest way to ask, because some of us fumble around with the words, is what I'd like to ask you for is. And so you're going to hear that in all of our communication frameworks, especially when we're starting to work with this. What I'd like to ask you for is kit specific. Fill in the blank. And just to give you a super tip, you probably want to be heard pointing you back to fairy dust. You probably want to be heard, you probably want to be appreciated, and you probably want some reassurance of some sort.

Why?

Why do I know that? Because it's universal. That's why fairy dust works. And those are always three great remedies that you can use to start asking for out of the gate. Okay, you're probably fighting for one, if not all three of those, so ask for them instead. Examples. What I'd like to ask you for is to just sit down and hear me out for a minute, and then I'll listen to you. What I'd like to ask you for is a little acknowledgement and appreciation. What I'd like to ask you for is just a bit of reassurance. My armpits are really sweaty and my knees are buckling right now. Would you just tell me that you love me? Yes. We can ask for all of those things. So many people say, Stace. How do I just say that and. And I say just the way you said it. You got it. You know what it is now? You just need to muster up the courage to say it and ask for it.

And I would say what gets really fun. I've shared this before. I can remember early on in our relationship, you're the first woman I've had partner. You as the partner can get into this flow and sync, and then you can be a little preemptive when you know and sense and feel your partner, your husband, your wife, your significant other are struggling and say, what do you need to hear from me right now? So there you're asking specifically to what your partner needs, and then you're Going to fulfill that need. I mean, boom. That's I first time Stacy did that, literally, I was literally floored. Like, what? And that's how effective it is. I get emotional thinking about it now because I've never had anyone take that kind of interest in me. I want to know exactly what I can do to get you through this quickly. Like, remember, we say the only thing Stacey and I do, maybe a little different, is we want to get back to the good stuff. So get through the mess quickly, get back to the good stuff fast. That's really. If there is a secret, that's it. I don't know why we hang out in bad places and take major motion pictures of it.

Because we don't know better. Right? Again, the ask is what would you need to hear, feel, or experience that would give you something that you want? And that's a super tip I'm just going to give you right here, right now, we need to focus more on what it is I want instead of what I don't want and what's not working. We're going to fight about that, and we can fight about that for a lifetime. It's not about what I don't want. It's not about what happens and what happened that I don't want can help me get quickly to what it is I want. But what I want to discuss with you and what it is I want to ask for is the want that I'm longing for. And if we talk about the don't want instead, we're going to create more of the don't want. And tomorrow is going to feel a lot like yesterday instead of being able to create a brand new moment for us to begin again. The power of want and an ask cannot be overemphasized. Ask for it. Get brave enough to ask for it, and a lot of people say, yeah, stays. I've asked. Oh, I've begged and I've pleaded and I. The hell you have. You haven't done this because just in the event of you trying to convince me you've already asked, it tells me that you're afraid to genuinely lay on the table what it is you really want to say.

So what has been going on when.

People share that and they're asking in a way of not. This is what I would like to see happen. Right. What I'd like to ask you for is this. It's more of I need you to do that. When are you going to get to that? Oh, my gosh, I can't believe that you're doing that again, like, how many times have I got to tell you to do this? Those are not asks, those are complaining.

And there has been no fairy dust probably sprinkled ahead of that statement.

No. And there's been no disclosure about how it affects me or why it is I'm going where I am. There's been no responsibility and ownership of that part and peace either. I'm just trying to control you, quite frankly, so that I can feel better. And I just want you to see that that's a never ending black hole. Because as much as I get what I want now and I get you to comply and give me what I want, there's going to be another thing when I get emotionally fired up down the road and I'm going to have to come back to trying to control you and my external circumstances yet again unless I get good at this and your partner is going to shut down or rip your face off. Because that's how we cope when we're emotionally frustrated and don't know how to do what we're talking about with you here today. Okay, so let's cap this off. I know this is. Call it out. It's big, but it's literally laying the entire stage. The rest of the steps are so super simple. The invitation into the conversation. So the person who's opening up the conversation, just to recap, has done a few things. They've sprinkled fairy dust. They've laid the bread. Hey, you know what? The reason I'm bringing this up is because I care about you and I care about us. That's the only reason why I'm bringing it up. Okay. And I'm noticing that we haven't gone out in a really long time. And I'm getting super fired up about that. What I'd like to ask you for is if we could maybe put a time on the calendar so that you and I could go out and do some of those fun things that we used to do before. And then here's the caveat to the whole thing, because that's all beautiful, that's all good stuff. But then we're going to give them an option to choose in or choose out. And you might be going, oh, stays. Why do we want to give them a choice? Because it keeps the permission in the conversation. And if we keep the permission in the conversation, it keeps the emotional safety present. And the real gift is you can ask for whatever you want if this final piece is part of the deal. Because you're never going to need to worry about manipulation or coercion or leveraging. Again, you're going to know that you can shoot for the moon. And as long as this invitation is on the end of your ask, you're on solid ground.

So what would that sound like?

It's. Well, and I just want to give you one more super tip as to why this last piece is the caveat. Because if by chance, because of your ask, your person gets a little fired up about it, like, oh, how dare you? I can't believe you'd go there. You can say, hey, it's just an ask. I give you permission to say no. You can sidestep it so easily without having to engage or explain or validate or. Or go on about why you're entitled to it. You had to put a toe in the water and explore a lot of things in regards to where people go with. With many things. So it's a conversation that sincerely invite your partner into the conversation. The I statement lets them know where you are. The ask lets them know what you need. And the question of invitation on the end lets them know that they have a choice to do it or not. You might be disappointed, but that's okay. I give you the option. And so a question or an invitation in sounds a lot like, would you be willing to do this? Would you be willing to share more about this with me? Is this something that would work for you? How can I best support you? Does what I just said make sense to you? And then I listen. And essentially, at this part in the communication, I'm kicking the ball to you, and this is my moment after I've laid the groundwork of everything we've just talked about today, and I can close my lips and open my ears. It's my turn to listen now, and let's just explore what comes up for them. And ideally, if your partner knows these frames works as well, they're going to pick it up and do just exactly what you did, minus the bread, minus the fairy dust. They're going to say, well, what comes up for me when you say that? Or where I go is, that's a statement of truth. And what I would really like to see happen is that's an ask. And I don't know, what do you think about that? And now we're having a dialogue. We're having an exploration.

It's an exchange.

Right, and we're having an exchange.

Yes, exactly.

Okay, so let's put it all together for this first C of our sandwich. I'm thinking a lot about us and I can See, some things that I have done that may have hurt you. That's a statement of truth. What I'd like to ask you for is if you would be willing to go to dinner with me this weekend so that I might apologize. That's my ask. Would that be something that would work for you?

Go.

That's my invitation in. And now I'm going to be quiet and see where the person I'm having a conversation with go. Another great example of this is I'm feeling attacked right now. That's my statement of truth. And what I'd like to ask you for is if you could just hear me out and then I will listen to you and what you have to say as well. That's your ask. Is this something that you would be willing to do? That's your invitation in. I'll give you one more. I'm noticing I need a bit of reassurance from you. And what I'd like to ask you for is if you could remind me I matter to you, is this something you'd be willing to do for me? Okay, one more. I'm sensing you're stressed right now. And what I'd like to ask is if there's anything I can do to help and support you, would you be willing to share this with me? And then we be quiet and listen. That's the first step. Yeah, that's setting it up and that's opening up the conversation. And of course, where we're going to go next is how to listen and how to allow your partner to have some conversations going on that don't send you sideways.

So call calling it out is the first C of the four Cs.

This becomes something that you live, not even something that you become logically mired in and overwhelmed. It just becomes a way that you communicate and then you forget. My hope for you listeners that you too can't remember the steps because you're too busy living them. And it becomes a way of navigating yourself through conversations with not just your partner, but with anyone that comes about in your life. You know where to go and. And how to conduct your conversations in a way that you know that they're going to go well. And so all of that fear and anxiety that we have about saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing can start to fall away because you know what to do do. Even if you do do that, you can recover. You know where to go next. So you now know how to open up a conversation with fairy dust. And you now know the first C of call it out and these two things will help us to begin to express our hurts and ask for more of our emotional remedies that we fight about instead of ask for and in the next series, the last of our communication series, we're going to be diving into listening to what it is your partner has to say and how it is that the conversation can go back and forth until inevitably something's going to take place. That something is either we agree on how we're going to move forward, or we need to reset and revisit the conversation in a new way. That's what we do when things begin to emotionally escalate. And these are the things and the steps that we're going to show you on how to keep the conversation on track back as we share the remaining three C's of our sandwich. On that note, before we wrap up today, I just want to give a special announcement. We are so excited to share this series is leading up to the release of our new book, the Communication Cure for Couples A Guided Workbook. This workbook is designed to complement the insights and strategies we're discussing in this series, providing you and your partner with some practical exercises to enhance your communication and relationships. You can hear it on the podcast and then you can work it through in the workbook and then you can practice it. And you'll have everything that you need in order to do that. And you can get your copy by going to staceybartley.com communication and when you sign up there, you'll be notified when the book is ready, which I just saw the final oh it's so good. I'm so excited about it. Like, like Brookie Boo. She has knocked it out of the park with the graphics and the layout. And Brookie, thank you so much. You've done such a great job on that and it's everything I teach to my private clients. No kidding. I'm not just saying that. So if you were to get this workbook and you were to listen to this series, you would have everything that you could possibly imagine and more to get better at your communication and your relationship right now. And if you want support with communication, well then you need to join the Roadmap because the Roadmap has a whole week dedicated to this conversation as well as many other things, the emotional regulation, etc that we've talked about in episode series number one. And the Roadmap will be starting here soon, so you can go to Love and Limpo Roadmap. That's where you can sign up for the upcoming Roadmaps. You can get all the information and details to learn more about that as well. And the last thing I'm going to say is we would love for you to share your story like today with what we've talked about as you put these things into your relationship. You have questions that come up about it, please let us know. We would love to hear your stories on how they worked or where it is you felt like things kind of went sideways and you weren't quite sure what to do. We want to hear from you so you can connect with us on social media or via email. Your insights could help shape our discussion and provide real world examples.

And you can go to our website and leave us a question. It's a really cool app. You just press a button and talk. You don't even need to say your name or what. You can do it anonymously. We can just play the question again. Just hear your voice if you'd like. So there's lots of different ways, but really input, share with what's going on and we will address it for you. And I'm sure if you have the question. We always say this in our private communities. If you have the question, I can can promise you other people do as well.

So we're a little bit of Follow the fun today. Of course it's going to have to be sprinkle some fairy dust. Oh my gosh. If there was anything that was more fun than fairy dust, it would be it. And although we're using it as a communication framework, I want to open your mind to the possibility that you can sprinkle it for no reason at all. Like we all need it. So sprinkle. Sprinkle it freely. If there was ever a magic dust for relationships, like this would be it. So give it for no reason at all. It's also really great for shutting down a fight. You know, sometimes I'll say to Tom in the middle of things kind of escalating how I tell him how sexy I think he is and. And he'll say, stop it, this is serious. And I'll say, I know, but I. I really do think that you're pretty sexy. And then we're laughing and then it's like everything has just kind of become de. Escalated and we can remember. Here's the thing. When we start to get spun up, we forget that we care, which is why we're getting so spun up in the first place. It's not funny. That's just a funny thing. We forget that we even care. And I start saying and doing and behaving in ways that I'm appalled at on the backside. And all I need to do is remind myself, really, that I care about you and I don't want to do that.

Well, and I share this on our clarity calls is if you forgot everything we've talked about. When we're escalated, we're. And we're a hot mess. If we can remember before we choose to speak and step back into our relationship is these three fundamental human needs that we all have to be. Remind me that I matter to be acknowledged and hear me is when. If we can thread whatever we're choosing, how we're stepping back in through one or more of those, it's always going to go back better. If you just use that as kind of your compass, it's going to go better. Because most of us, quite frankly, don't experience many of those types of moments in our daily life. We don't.

So tell somebody that you want to hear what they have to say today, or tell somebody that you so appreciate them and acknowledge them for all that they're doing and that you see and notice in your life. Or say somebody just out of the blue, hey, you know what? I just want you to know you really matter to me. I really appreciate you. It will make their day. And if you need to ask for some. Okay, we taught you how to ask. You can ask for some fairy dust, too. That is completely permissible and appropriate. Today's song was chosen because there's a line in the song that says this. You're not here. You didn't stick around. But the things you said do. And I went, oh, that's got to be.

Is it the artist?

The artist is Cody Fry, and the song is the things you said.

There you go.

So that's such a profound statement. You don't stick around, but the things you say do. That's so important that we remember that with the words that we say, they matter. And how we structure them matters not just for the person that you're trying to communicate with, but for yourself. Your win is knowing that you've said what you've needed to say and that you've laid what you've wanted to say on the table for real. So many couples try and solve the problems of life, but they're really not talking about anything at all. They're not talking about their wants. They're not disclosing their asks. They're not even revealing how it is they truly feel or how this affects them. We're just beating each other up in a desperate attempt to find solutions to the challenges that we face. And from that place, it will constantly elude us. This. So it's important that we lay those cards on the table. This is how I feel. This is where I'm at. This is what I need. And that invitation, that sweet invitation in, would that work for you? Can you give that to me? Would you be willing to go there with me? And that helps us start to reveal everything that we need to know in the conversation. It actually is the place where the solutions to the challenges that we face live. So practice. That's my encouragement to you. Practice, practice, practice. If you have to replay this a thousand times, replay it a thousand times. And no, you got to get the workbook. All right, that's a wrap this week. So great to be here with you, send you off with all my love and support and encouragement. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. And if this episode can be helpful to more people in your sphere of influence, will you please help us by sharing it? We feel like this information, especially in the world in which we're living in right now, needs to be shared now more than ever. So if it's resonated with you, if it's making sense to you, if these are helpful things, please share them with somebody else in your sphere of influence who probably needs them, too. Okay, bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the love shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast Podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.