#171: The Ultimate Guide to Communication in Relationships: Deepening Understanding in Every Exchange (Part Three)

It's 3am and you can't sleep. Everything's quiet, but your head isn't. You can't stop thinking about that argument you and your partner keep having. You know, the kind that never seems to get resolved. You think about all the things you wish you could say and all the things you did say and all the stuff that gets misunderstood or just left out. It's almost like the quieter it gets at night, the louder these problems seem to be. You know you need to find a better way to communicate, but everything you try just seems to make things worse. Welcome to Love Shack Live, where we get real about relationships and about life. We talk about the tough stuff and the misunderstandings that can make you feel like you're miles apart from the one that you love. I'm Stacy Bartley. Alongside me as my co host and my lover Tom and our daughter Brooke, we stand with you at the crossroads of love and communication, ready to guide you through the maze of misinterpretations and missed connections to a place where every word builds bridges, not barriers. In today's show, we're closing our three part series on communication with the most critical insights yet. Over the past episodes, we've uncovered the foundations and challenges of communication in love and relationships. Have you ever wondered how to truly embrace and celebrate your differences instead of letting them drive a wedge between you and your partner? Or how claiming your emotional space can be a game changer in your communication patterns? And what does it really mean to keep the conversation going, ensuring that every word brings you closer than before? Before, we're about to dive into these mysteries, revealing secrets that have the power to transform your relationship in ways you've never imagined. And yes, we'll be sprinkling a little fairy dust along the way. That's our secret to ending conversations on a high note, no matter the topic. As we wrap up this series, something special awaits to take your talks to the next level as well. So we invite you to lean in and get comfy and let's tackle this together. It's time to start changing how you communicate and start exploring what's possible with your partner, starting right now.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

So today we're going to finish up our communication sandwich framework in part three. Let's take a minute to kind of recap where we are. For those of you who are just joining and listening in for the first time and maybe aren't aware that this is the ending of a three part series, I want to bring you up to Speed so that you too can benefit from today's conversation. Part one of our communication series was all the challenges that we face around emotional regulation. It's more about the emotion that we feel as the words are being spoken and not the words themselves. That is the most challenging part of communication overall. The ability, shall we say, to keep our shit together. The second is when we lose it and can't emotionally regulate. What gets sacrificed is the emotional safety, which is essential for good communication. That is a big deal, because when there's no emotional safety, we're not going to share anything, especially the stuff that's close to the chest that we hold until we feel safe to do so. And then we talked all about the pursuit of understanding, the understanding that we all have a narrative and a movie that plays in our minds that needs to be vetted out, hence the need to talk and share. And the overall goal of communication is the continuous pursuit of understanding of ourselves first and others second. Part two, we jump into the communication sandwich. It's the beginnings of a framework to say what we need to say now that we understand how important it is and how to emotionally regulate ourselves through the words that are yet to be spoken and shared. We begin with a powerful framework that supports us with navigating through the conversations with success without sacrificing that emotional safety that is oh so important. In part two, we showed you how to set up a conversation and stage it with fairy dust. And we dove deep into the very first step of opening up a conversation, especially when you're discussing difficult topics. It starts with fairy dust. It has four Cs in it. Call It out was the first, and then it's finished with more fairy dust. That's our sandwich. And just like a good sandwich, you think about it first and you know all the ingredients before building it. So it is good, good, delicious. And so it is with good communication. So in today's episode, Part three, we'll show the final part of the series by focusing on the last three, which are commingle your differences, claim your spot and continue the conversation. And once again ending with some delicious fairy dust. Think of fairy dust as the bread. It's the top and the bottom of a conversation, with the four Cs being the guts of the sandwich overall. So as we dive in to the second C, commingle your differences, I want to bring you up to speed by letting you know you've set the stage with fairy dust and you've accomplished the first C in the Call it out series, which is this a statement of truth, which is, by the way, personal disclosure followed by a sincere ask of what it is you truly want or what would maybe remedy to the very best of your ability. Your statement of truth that you're struggling with, along with an invitation into the conversation, is that something that would work for you? For example, we are now ready to take the next step into the second C, which is commingle your difference. So what is commingle your differences? When you've opened up a conversation with those parts that we've just identified, I want you to see the invitation is the very last thing that is given. Was that something that would work for you? Is this something that you would consider doing with me? Those are all great examples of an invitation into the conversation. And this is the point and the part in communication where the person who opened up the conversation now needs to close their lip and do another hard thing in communication, which is listen. This is the point where I said what I need to say. I've asked for what it is I wanted, and now I'm ready to see how you respond to. So I listen and I allow you to speak. And you might have a differing perspective than I. In fact, you ought to count on it. Plan on it. Plan on them having a very different experience or a different need or different perspective of anything from how we load the dishwasher to how it is we should spend our next thousand dollars. That is the differences that we're talking about. You are different. You come from different backgrounds. You have different experiences. You are different people. That's not bad news. Communication should not be about me trying to enroll you in my side, claiming that my side is better than yours. Instead, it's the opportunity for us to expand what is possible as a solo into possibilities and strategies and solutions that are far bigger than I am by myself. It's kind of like the exponential of one plus one now equals four together. Our ability to have and honor our differences become exponential in that now we can create solutions and ideas and moments in life that we couldn't create on our own as an individual. And so this is where it happens in the communication framework.

I think that what you just said is a lot to take in because most people think that when they get a no or their partner throws up a roadblock by saying, I don't agree with that, or how the heck did you come up with that? Or we're absolutely not spending our next thousand dollars on your idea. You think, oh, God, here comes the terrible movie of all of these terrible things. You tell Yourself. Like, why did I even ask them? Of course they're never going to agree with me. Oh, my God. Our relationship is doomed because we can never agree on anything. All of those things that we tell ourselves and think. But when you explain it like you just did, of course that's what's gonna happen, because we're two different people with two very different brains and backgrounds and thought processes. It's never gonna go in a perfect way where it's like, oh, yes, honey, that's a beautiful idea.

Please.

That's what we're going to do. All right, close the book. Conversation. Done. Let's move on with our lives. Like, why do we expect that?

So true. It's so true. Well, and we left out the word preferences, right? My preferences are these, and your preferences are those. And we don't realize sometimes that that's the beauty, that there is a contribution in on both sides that literally takes us to places. And not only that, helps us create balance that we can't find on our own. And we either love that word balance or we hate it. Balance. Balance, yeah, whatever. I'm just gonna go off the rail, right? Or. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got balance. I'm so frugal and conservative. I never allow myself to have fun. And what's interesting, where I sit, and we sit as a team, we have the honor and privilege of working with couples. And so time and time again, we see that how people fall in love is they're a counterbalance to each other. So you'll see this bright, gregarious socialite, loves to go out and explore new things, who absolutely is. It's irresistible to find somebody who's grounded and good with numbers and details and vice versa. You know, you're going to be irresistible to a person who's like, oh, I just. I want more. I want excitement. I need to explore. I just don't know how to do that. It's not really in my wheelhouse. And that little wonderful combination is so common.

The person who loves to budget and finance and spreadsheet is going to be with the person who loves to buy every single new makeup item they see and can't stop frivolously spending because it's true, opposites attract. And instead of wondering why the heck we got together or what I can do to make my partner more like me, we need to see the beauty that is existing in the dichotomy between the two of us. And what can we learn from each other and how can that make us better? Because, like, you guys always Say the budgeter, very strict person could always do more of having a little bit of frivolous spending let go for a minute. And the person who needs to buy every lip gloss I'm calling myself out here could maybe say, okay, I have enough nude pink lipsticks. I don't need that one. You know, like, it's kind of a funny example, but it's so true. We really need to stop obsessing about why our partner isn't more like us and say, what could I do that would allow me to be a little bit more like my partner? Not because you need to turn into each other, but because of the. The beauty and the calmness and all these things you admire about your partner that could feel good in your body and your life, too.

Well, that's why you chose them, is because unconsciously, we know that we're kind of out of balance in these places. Right. And we're not quite sure how to get into balance. And being the wise intelligence that we are, we slide down the wall and fall in love with a counterbalance that has a lot, if I will allow, to showcase and demonstrate to me about places and things and ways that I could come more into balance with myself. Really, it's not even about your partner, and vice versa. It's happening on either side. So are there times where Tom needs to get out and let go and have a great time, and he does. And are there times where I need to not think that one night out is going to rescue me, instead I need to hunker down and take care of business? Yes. And in that, there's a beautiful counterbalance when we can honor and respect and have communication around where we at. And knowing this information, where are we now out of balance. And that's how we can say, all right, enough, babe, it's time. We gotta get out. Or he can say, okay, babe, all right, that's enough. We need to hunker down, down and take care of business. And I don't feel like he's controlling me or shutting me down or trying to manipulate me or vice versa. I'll let you speak for yourself, but there's a counterbalance that we can both benefit from here when we can talk about it instead of try and force and coerce each other to be the demonstration of what I am. Like, I'm enrolling him in the fifth night in a row and going out, and he's going, whoa, hold on a minute. That's over the top. Too much. And he's right. Or, you know, hey, we've been in the house for 10 days working and grinding to get things accomplished enough, we're out of here and we can. We can really provide a beautiful counterbalance.

It was funny. We were coming home last night and you said, I was thinking it was time for a road trip. I said, well, honey, we actually just got back from one on Sunday, so that's a short memory. But yeah, I'd go on another one with you.

It's true, I did. I'm loose, enjoying the drive. I'm driving. We got some tunes going and I'm like, man, I could just drive all night. Where do you want to go? Let's take a road trip. And he's like, geez, we've, you know, done that two weekends out of the last 30 days, so, you know, it really hasn't been that long. And that's a beautiful thing where we can talk about it and we can laugh about it and we can share it. And it doesn't mean anything about our personalities and our preferences and what makes us tick. We can actually share it and lean in and leverage from each other. And that's what co Mingle is all about. It's understanding and making room for another's perspective after sharing your own in the call it out step one. So I want you to think of this as if you are the one that's opening up the conversation. You're gonna go call it out, step one. And then your partner is obviously gonna be invited into the conversation in the commingle part. And you wanna now know what they think about what you've just shared and asked for and what's happening inside of you. And this is gonna go back and forth because your partner is going to do exactly what you just did. They're going to say, well, when you say things like that, this is where I go. And you know what? This is what I'd like to ask you for. What do you think about that? And you're going to go, well, gee, I don't know. That brings me to a whole nother place that I hadn't considered before.

So when you're co mingling your differences, the partner that didn't open up the conversation, then he or she is going to share their statement of truth.

Yeah, okay. They're gonna do a statement of truth followed by an ask, followed by, what do you think about that?

Okay.

And the conversation, the majority of the conversation is gonna happen right there in 1 and 2 and 1 and 2 and 1 and 2. It's a volley, it's a Volley. Yeah. And we do it just like that. Here's where I go. Here's what comes up for me. Here's what I'd like to ask for. What do you think about that? And we're gonna go back and forth until something happens, and that something is gonna go one of two ways. And that's where we stuck to the third C. Is there anything else, though, before we go to the third C that either one of you want to say about Commingle?

I just think we've already said it, but it's just important to remember that this is an opportunity where you and your partner can talk about your differences and the way your different perspectives and the different things that you bring to the table without fighting.

I was going to say Brooks, stack on that. My sense is it should open up a new possibility that you've not ever been able to have. But before, like Brooke just said, you know, this is designed to just really fertilize the arena where, quite frankly, it should start really get really good. Like, my goodness, we've not made this kind of headway in a long time. Or this kind of momentum, I think would be a better adjective.

You know, because of the way we approach conversations, we don't have the ones that will garner, shall we say, a no or resistance. We only have the ones that we think are a shoe win.

Yep.

And that leaves us holding a lot of unspoken things over time. So techniques for effectively commingling our differences include asking about the other person's movie and genuinely listening to their response.

So give us an example. How would you literally say that?

Say what?

Like, would you say, please share with me what's going on in your movie right now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. People who work with us use that movie framework a lot, because when it's your movie, it's just what you believe or your preferences or what's coming up for you, your perspective. It's not you. And so it helps us to not take things so personal.

It takes all the personalization, right?

Yeah. So use that. It's just my movie, and I could be stringing some things together without any idea or understanding about your needs or wants or desires. And I won't know that until you share it with me. And. Or I might be coming to assumptions and conclusions that you're going, how did you get that? How did you arrive there? I never said that. Well, that's a movie. That's a narrative. So if we can learn to talk about those things and you can even use that, hey, here's what's playing out of my movie and doesn't mean anything other than this is what I'm making up is true, and let's vet those things out. And then the listening is important here. We could do a whole podcast on listening. Quite honestly, there's a lot to it, but it starts with being willing to be attentive. It's more about how I approach it and my willingness to listen than it is about the words that I'm saying. It's so important. It does start with simply keeping your mouth shut. However, it is so much more about your attitude and the intention of your ability to just be present than it is the words that you are saying or hearing. A lot of couples in a reflective listening exercise, which is very common if you've been to traditional therapy, get caught up in getting the words precise without understanding and taking in the emotional and body language and tone of voice nuances that's trying to be communicated as well. We think that just by simply reciting the words back to my partner, I'm in the clear and I've listened perfectly. No, that's not what that means.

Let me stop you right there. You could be like, okay, this is what I heard you say. Did you say this, this and this? I just want everybody to know that's going to suck the emotional safety right out of the room that you're in. And also there's many other ways you can do that. By your facial expression, by how your body is turned towards your partner, or if you're looking like you're depressed and like this is the worst place you've ever been asked to be in, that's not gonna allow your partner to truly say what they need to say. And for a lot of us, facial expressions and body language are kind of involuntary. So active listening is making those things voluntary in that you're consciously making an effort to not do them, to not make the negative face expression or the unwelcoming body language. That's why listening is hard. And I do think we should do an episode on how to be a good active listener in your relationship.

Maybe we'll do it next time. It'll be a great, great follow up to the communication piece. So listening is important, and unfortunately we don't have the time to go into that today. We want to get through and complete this communication series, but we'll do it next week. You can look forward to that being our next podcast. It's Done Deal. We've created it right here with you.

Beautiful.

And again, I just want to emphasize it's more about your attitude and intention and not your ability to be precise with the words that you hear. And so this framework is really helpful that we're sharing with you because it gives you a framework of what to focus on so you're not just everywhere. And it helps to keep you out of reaction as well, so that you're responding. And you know what to respond with. A statement of truth followed by an ask. Follow with an invitation to hear the other side. And that's the communication between 1 and 2. Call it out as the person who opens up the conversation. The second C is to co mingle those ideas. And you're going to go back and forth in 1 and 2 and 1 and 2 and 1 and 2.

So that co mingling would be after the. After the. Whoever initiated conversation and did that last piece of the imitation, then the commingling would literally start right there, right by the other person response or stepping in.

Yes. So, like, if you and I were going to have a conversation, I would say something along the lines of, you know, Tom, I'm feeling really restless and it's been a long time since we've taken a road trip. And so what I'd like to ask you for is if we could do a road trip this weekend and get the heck out of Dodge. What do you think about that? And you're going to follow it up by your statement of truth.

Well, we actually just got back from one on Sunday, but if you can work that out with all the details, what we have in our life, I'd love to go with you.

Really? Okay. So I'll work on the details and then I'll get back to you and we'll kind of talk again about those. Does that work for you?

Yes.

Perfect. That was a great example of 1 and 2 and then a third, which is the claim your spot. I said if I do all the research and see if we can make that happen, then I'll come back to you and we'll explore it further. Does that work for you? Yes. That's a claim our spot together. We are in agreement about what our next step is. And this conversation I personally opened up. Okay, now it could go a different way. One of two things is going to happen and claim your spot. Claim your spot could also say, you know what, I can't take in anymore. I'm feeling very overwhelmed by what's being shared and talked about here. And so I'm noticing I need some time to kind of think about and process what's been shared here. And so I'm going to claim a spot on my own by saying, let's come back around to this tomorrow after dinner or after we get the kids put to bed and we'll discuss this further. Claim my spot can be done as an individual. It can also be done as a couple. In agreement that, okay, you want to do that, I want to do that. Okay, let's go, let's take the next step. What gets interesting here is what we tend to not realize is, number one, I want you to hold communication in this framework as rounds of a workout. Like if it takes us 20 rounds to get through something that's difficult to work it through, then take the 20. Because what we tend to do is get very frustrated and think that we need to solve this in one conversation because of the age old advice that we've all been given. Don't go a bit mad, right? Handle it on the first thing. And we're so afraid of bringing conversations to the table that when we finally do have a window and it just pops out of nowhere, we think, aha, this is the moment and everybody pounces on it. There's no intention or forethought or planning or clarity. So it always going to careen into the mountainside of disaster. Because again, just like I said in the beginning of this podcast, it's like a really well made sandwich. There's intentionality, there's planning, there's foresight, there's clarity within what it is I want to bring to the table and share with you. And the more important this is to me, the slower and more intentional I better be with it. And the more prepared I should be in order to commingle that place where I bet you're going to have a differing perspective, that's okay, we can work with that. What is it? My opportunity is to understand it, not rage against it or defend myself or step into manipulations of all kinds to try and get my way and realize that if I will simply understand myself and my partner in that understanding, the solution will always be surfacing. I mean, out of thousands and tens of thousands and hundreds of thousands of conversations I've been privileged to have, not only in my own relationships, but with the couples that we serve and the individuals we serve around the world, this has never, and that's a bold statement, never failed. Why? Because we're understanding where everybody is coming from and we're leveraging that contribution that is available on both sides. There is always a solution.

I feel like when we do what we normally do, which is what you explain where you just wait for the perfect moment and you start having the conversation that you've needed to have for maybe years. And you're like, okay, here it is. And it's just verbal diarrhea and you get all of it out and then you pray that your partner's just gonna be like, yes, that's fine. Obviously you, that's not gonna happen if it's taken you years or months or even weeks to have the conversation in the first place because there's going to be some resistance or a bad reaction or whatever on your partner's partner. So with the communication sandwich, you come in prepared, knowing that that's going to happen. It's in the steps. Commingle your differences, co, mingle your different perspectives and then claim a spot. So it's a totally different approach because you know that the conversation is going to have some roadblocks, but you have the tools to navigate it so that there aren't any roadblocks. You know the path to get through it clearly as possible.

Well, and what we tend to do a lot is we just wear the other person down.

I was just gonna say that me and Jack, which everybody knows who Jack is because I bring in real life stories all the time. But we used to have these knockdown drag out fights because I believed never go to bed angry. So we'd be up at like 4 in the morning having this circular conversation where nothing was getting accomplished. And eventually, eventually Jack would just say, yeah, babe, you're right, can we go to bed now? Like I agree with everything you said. Obviously he didn't. He was just saying that so we could eat some food and go to bed. Why is that good? But that's what we've been taught we.

Need to do well. And, and for the person who's acquiescing, it creates a tremendous amount of resentment and rage. Yes.

And they all, and they have to quiet it down because they just want to go to sleep, but they're raging on the inside.

Yes. And eventually that is going to be unsustainable for them and they will act it out. There are only two options. I either know how to understand and digest down my own experiences and share them with you, or I can withhold them and take them out on you instead. And so what have we accomplished here? I just want you to see, that's how our communication begins to fracture and break down. I either refuse to speak up at all and share what my preferences are with my statement of truth, or ask for anything that's Important to me. Therefore, I write myself out of the narrative of us only what you need and it's only what pleases you. Okay? We think that might take us to the promised land. But what that does is creates a tremendous amount of self rejection and rage and resentment, commitment. Even if I am pleasing you and going along with it, pretty soon I'm going to get passive aggressive about it. There is no other way. And we seem shocked by these things, both personally and collectively in our relationships without realizing the principles that they're rudder defy. Any of us would find ourselves in those places if that's what we chose to do. And we choose to do them from a sweetheart place. We just don't realize what we're doing. Or I come in with a tremendous amount of baggage and trauma and I want it to go my way because I put up with a whole bunch of shit from my last relationship. So here's the deal. You're gonna go along with what I have to say. And yep, again, I'm angry. And I realize I can't get enough of that to stay off the rage and the upset and the trauma that I'm feeling. And so then again, our communication derails and we haven't accomplished anything. So wearing somebody down or manipulating somebody or obligating or cornering or leveraging or belitt or criticizing or all those things that we do is not understanding. It is not commingling your differences. And it's certainly not claiming a place together where we both feel good about moving forward in just this next step. And the conversation that Tom and I did as an example, it was just a next step. It wasn't that we were going to go or not go. It was exploring the next step and the next leg of the conversation. We would open up just like we taught you. I would have the research, I would come back around to the conversation, I would do my statement of truth followed by my ask, and then I would say, what do you think about that? And he would have something to say about that. And it's either going to be, can we do it here and there. Would that work? You know, should we put this off? Because this is what's coming up for me here, here and here. What do you think about that? And we would create a plan that we could eventually feel good about. If it takes us three rounds or four rounds or five rounds to get there, we're going to take it. Because my alternative is to step into those layers of manipulation. So claiming a spot happens individually when I need some time to Process what's been shared. I'm not quite sure what I think and feel. I'm not clear about my statement of truth or what it is I want to say. Some of us process emotions a lot slower and need a lot more time than others. That's no right or wrong or good or bad to that. It's okay. It's okay to ask for. It's okay to pause the conversation when I feel like what you've said has really hurt my feelings and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, or I'm getting spun up in rage or I'm shutting down and I can't listen anymore. All of those are really great reasons to claim a spot on your own and come back around for another round later. I want you to understand that claiming a spot is not a win or a loser. It's the way to keep the conversations on track from derailing into places that we shouldn't even be going. It's a way to help us emotionally regulate ourselves. And it's a way for us to also be in sync and agreement with what the next step is. If we violate the claim your spot option. I might think that you said yes to the trip because you were kind of like, wishy washy about it. I'm just going to go ahead and take action on it because, well, after all, you didn't say no.

And.

And then we come back around and I'm like, okay, I've got it all scheduled for next weekend. And you're like, I can't go. What do you mean? I can't. What? What? So that means we weren't claiming a spot together, that each of us were actually claiming a spot individually. We just didn't disclose that. So be mindful of those things. Claiming a spot if it's together, make sure we're all on the same page and take the few extra seconds in the communication to vet that out. So, okay, my understanding is this. And this. And this is that what? Your understanding is too great. Let's go. Or, you know what? I've. I've come as far as I can go. I. I've listened. I. I'm exhausted. I don't have the emotional capacity. I'm overwhelmed. I need some time to process this. Let's come back around to this tomorrow or in the next few days, or when we talk to Stacy and Tom and Brooke again in the better love club. That's where I feel safe to explore this further. All of those are permissible.

This is what I meant is that what you heard. That extra clarification would prevent so many arguments from happening in relationships. That is the cause of so many arguments where you both walked away from the discussion with two different understandings. And you can do that, but you need to be clear about that. There are two different understandings.

And let's say we're both in a place where we're claiming a spot individually, because that's the last option where I'm frustrated, you're frustrated. We want to claim a spot before we're completely emotionally deregulated. It's better to err on the side of caution and come back around to the conversation instead of just hold on for as long as you possibly can and then say something you don't mean or let the conversation get heated because you're not gonna come back around to have the conversation. Which takes us to the last and final C, the fourth one. Continue the conversation. Continue the conversation is the goal. Regardless of where we might find ourselves in calling it out, commingling our differences and claiming a spot. The goal is always and consistently continue the conversation. What that means is we want to set it up. However this goes, that we're willing to come back around and pick it up again. Remember, conversations are like rounds of a workout. And every round is going to teach us something about ourselves, about our partners, about our relationship. And those are important things. Those are the things that usually get squashed and lay in the dark closets and secrets of our hearts. And if that's going to be the case, I'm going to act them out. And by not sharing them, our connection and our intimacy and our understanding of ourselves and each other is going to.

Drift apart and defensiveness and resentment is going to rise.

Unbelievably, yes, that is how it works. That's not a mystery, that's a principle. And so the goal is to always have a desire, even if I'm frustrated, to come back and continue the conversation. We don't get to just shut them down because they're hard or because they're awkward or uncomfortable, or they make my armpit sweat or these uncomfortable emotions come up or triggers from my past come up. Let's work through them. And we can do that slowly and intentionally and carefully with fairy dust being our front and ending bumper.

And you want to really make sure that everything why we took a whole first episode, number one of this three part series was the foundation before the words. You must do all you can to not breach that emotional safety or re establish it very, very quickly. Because let's Just be honest. Have we ever been in an emotionally unsafe place and wanted to share more? No, they. They don't go together.

It's a complete violation of principles as far as like human interaction.

So it's not going to happen.

Continue the conversation is. We are going to do everything we can in our conversations to maintain and strengthen emotional safety for further conversations. Because if the conversation stops, so does the relationship, the interconnectedness of us. Yeah, we don't ever want the conversation to stop. Really. When you think about it, we don't ever want to shut it down in our defensiveness behaviors.

But we do, or you'll see, which we've seen many times is here in the Smith house. We don't talk about this and this and this and. Well, what do you talk about? Very little.

Nothing.

Or very very. The weather.

Football on Sunday.

Yeah, well, nothing that matters.

Exactly. You know, it gets the boxes so small it's can't even find it.

Yeah. So. And, and if you're coming from a place where your communication right now is very shut down, don't worry as you start to practice this. Right. Little by little, that willingness to continue the conversation will come back. The truth is, as human beings, we want to share. We really do.

And would you say when. When we work with people, either in our small groups or when you work with people one on one, you're literally just establishing these four Cs. You're helping them establish them because they're just not able to establish them on their own because it's been so breached.

Yeah, well, and to be fair, I mean, if we're going to study communication, it's probably debate, negotiations, the art of a sales job.

Yeah, marketing.

Yeah. Those are all just sales jobs. They're manipulation. They're emotional manipulation. This is not that. This is a place for love and relationships where everybody is honored, nobody feels cornered, and everybody has an ability and the permission to say what they need to say. And we're going to just understand it. I may not agree with it, but it's going to cost you nothing to understand the perspective of another person. But in order to do that, I've got to get off my own. Right. So that I can really take in what you're saying. And what's amazing is when we finally allow that to happen, it feels so good because I feel good about the way I've handled it and I have a whole new vision and understanding of my partner and what's possible here. That is the place where the solutions that we need in our lives and in our relationships lie. And the reason why we never uncover them is because we're too busy doing these other things called manipulation, defensiveness, taking it personal, everything. But striving to understand myself and understand you more. I'm gonna say this about continue the conversation too. Realize that when I speak as a human being, I am understanding myself. That is what's happening. I am vetting out my own thoughts, my own emotions, my own feelings, and I'm sharing them with you. And as I do, I give them validity instead of them just being these things that I think about and I feel internally. It's also a great way to like, like, shuffle them around. Like it's cards in your hand where you kind of, when you voice them, it's like, oh, yeah, that is how I feel. Yeah, that is what I mean. Or, oh, that's not so much what I mean now that I say it. Let me kind of rework that. When I speak, I'm attempting to understand myself, and when I listen, I'm understanding someone else as they go through that same thing. And so if both of us are talking, there is nobody getting any understanding, both for self or other. And that's why those two parts and pieces go so critically hand in hand. Or shall we say hand in glove. Okay, I can't be listening and understanding myself. I have to take turns. It's going to be a back and forth. And, you know, I love this analogy. It always helps me remember, even for myself, great communication is a lot like great lovemaking. I don't want to be caught on either side. I need to have a working acumen of both sides. I need to be able to share and listen. I need to be able to give information and receive information. And there is a back and forth that happens there.

I was writing a response to a comment last night on Instagram, and I was kind of proud of this. I said, you're extending an invitation, meaning you're extending them a hand, you're not forcing them to grab it. There are so many ways that we could use that analogy. We're not forcing our partner to take our stance. We're not forcing them to have this conversation with us. But that's so often what we do. We say we're extending a hand, but what we're really doing is forcing them to grab it.

Yes, exactly. And. And when we focus on pausing the conversation, by the way, it's time for you to explore your own thoughts and feelings for continued clarity. Instead of villainizing your partner, you'll then open up the conversation Once again by making another sandwich.

So you just start right back.

Just start right back over. Okay. So the goal is always to continue the conversation, and then we're going to finish it with another piece of fairy dust. Thank you so much for this conversation. It truly didn't go the way I thought it was gonna go. But thank you so much for showing up and sharing your thoughts and emotions with me. I look forward to the next round, or I'm frustrated with how this went. I'm having a very difficult time with this, but I'm gonna sit with it and process this, and then I look forward to the next round. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. It's okay to say any and all of that, but we want to affirm that we appreciate the willingness for everybody to share because it's acknowledging that it's courageous.

What do you say to couples? Because I know that some people are probably having this thought, well, you know, me and my partner can claim a spot, and then when we come back to continue the conversation, we just run into the same exact situation. We can't make any progress. None of our rounds are moving the needle to the next point.

I'm gonna say the reason why you're not moving the needle to the next best step for you is a couple of things. You're probably struggling with the ask. You're not really asking for what it is you want. You're getting mired in the don't want of the conversation. You're spending too much time talking about, well, this happened and you did it wrong here and when are you gonna pull it together and this lies on your side of the table and your other person and commingle is doing the well, yeah, but what about when you did this and what about when you said that? That really hurt my feelings too? In an effort to try and get ourselves validated, that is not going to take us where we want to go. That's going to take us into what I call a shithole, a rabbit hole. There is no bottom. So we can talk about the don't want and what's happened and who's blaming and who's finger pointing, which we all have things we've done that's contributed to the mess we find ourselves in right now. So there's plenty of things to pick and pull from that's never going to take us where we want to go. And ask, a sincere ask is truly what it is I want to see happen now that all of this has happened. It's a way of Kind of transcending the past, recognizing, yeah, all this happened, we're going to allow it to be part of our story. But what do we want to do now?

So in other words, let the rap sheet go, because we've all got one, right? And that's not going to get us where we want to go forward.

Where do we want to go now? And so when we feel like we just go round and round and round.

In a circle and we hear that all the time. That's a great question. We hear that all the time. We seem to have the same conversation over and over and over again.

You're getting stuck in the don't want and you're not asking. You're probably demanding, leveraging, coercing, manipulating, belittling.

Stacy Bartley, the Musical. I felt like you were just gonna break out in song.

Like a rap song, but it's true. Come on, we all go there. It's hard. So we've got to remember the classic definition of insanity. So don't keep doing the same things and expecting a different result. So a true ask is keep it focused on you. What is it that you want to see happen? Let go of all that's happened in the past because we've all got the rap sheet. We do to be fair. Come on, none of us gets the hall pass here.

And I'm going to say this again just because I think it's so important. Maybe now that we've done our little musical, you can hear this from a different perspective. When we pause a conversation, it's time to explore our own thoughts and feelings for continued clarity instead of villainize our partners. Where is the focus on what I want, what I'm feeling, what I need, where I would like to go not. I can't believe they say that and do that. I bet they're doing that because of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, where is your focus? If your focus is on the don't want, then you're going to sit and stew about that instead of using that same time and that same resourcing emotionally to think about what you would like to ask for in the next round of communication. The villainizing isn't going to take you anywhere. It's just going to get you more spun up, more anxious, more disappointed. And you're going to make up some terrible, terrible things about yourself, about your relationship, about your partner. And then here's the kicker. Crescendo, please. You are going to show up congruent with what you've made up is true. So this is how we ourselves turn into the. Or the monster in our relationships. Because now I've perceived you're the villain in the relationship. So I've got to protect myself. So I become the person who's literally pushing you away, even though maybe you're reaching out to apologize or to extend to me a hug or a kiss or to show vulnerability. And I'm like, no. Now, you said that thing to me last night. No, can't do it. You're the monster. You've done it wrong. Until you do X, Y, and Z, I'm not talking to you. I'm not having sex. And we're overemphasizing this. We've all done it. We're all probably going to do it again. But just to highlight, where are we going with this? That could be no more what we're asking you to do than chocolate ice cream and yogurt. Peanut butter, like. I don't know. It's a terrible analogy. It's just what came up.

Well, I think, you know, you say this.

What?

That. No, that was terrible. What you meant to say was that's. That's the exact opposite of what you're trying to do in your relationship.

Or you're better, or you're turning into a version of exactly what you're railing against.

You're.

You're saying I can't accept your love and affection because you were a monster. Well, isn't that making you kind of a monster, too?

You're turning into a version of exactly what it is you're accusing your partner of being. I'm acting it out now because that's.

Glad we got through that.

Yeah, that was important.

Chocolate ice cream and yogurt.

I don't know. Peanut butter, yogurt. I don't know. Is there such a thing? I don't know. That's just what happened. I'm sorry.

You were just. You were searching it. It didn't come up. That's okay. That happens.

You will then open up the conversation once again by making another sandwich, which is fairy dust, plus the four Cs, plus another layer of fairy dust. And we're gonna go round and round and round forever. For a lifetime, hopefully, as we explore the inevitable ups and downs of life. That is what bonds us. That is what creates a deep intimacy and connection. It's also what creates a deep knowing of myself and my lover. And if we don't do this, that's how we miss it. It starts out like this, where there's the free willingness to entertain your idea and you entertain my ideas and where I'm coming from, what I want, what you need. And then we become afraid and we lose our way and we dive into these defensive, manipulative behaviors that we have. We shut the conversation down when maybe what I need to do is listen or process my own emotions and thoughts around it. Be able to translate my own thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that first I can understand instead of just taking it out on you. That's what this framework will help you do. We need to avoid blaming and manipulations of all kinds. All of this will absolutely sacrifice the safety necessary for sharing in the future and prevent finding common ground, moving into your future. And again, think of conversations as rounds of a workout. Each one will provide you with a piece of understanding about yourself and your partner and your relationships. They're beautiful things. And even if I'm upset, there's been many times where I can put my arms around Tom and say, gosh, I'm kind of upset right now, but don't forget, I love you. That's why I'm upset. That's why I'm having all this emotion come up. It's because I love you. It's because I love us. It's because I'm so frustrated and I'm going to acknowledge that as I lay down my last piece of bread. I love you. I want this to work. I'm in it. I'm in it to win it. I'm not in it to thwart you or demonize you. Let's figure this out. And that's the importance of laying that last piece of bread. Don't miss it. I can't emphasize that enough as we even claim a spot and we're feeling upset and emotion and we're overwhelmed with it. Don't forget to remind them I'm upset because I care. Because so quickly we can forget. We do. Well.

And I would say I don't sense. Most of us have been in a conversation where it's ended like that. It's usually ended on a very, very contentious, very emotionally charged situation. So by doing this, by remembering that top or bottom piece of bread, however you build the sandwich is with a. A note of affirmation of why this is so important, why the per. Your special person matters, why this relationship matters, why your family matters matters. It's a game changer. It's a total reset.

Well, and your willingness to come back around and engage in the same topic of conversation again will be greatly enhanced if it doesn't end with a little Piece of fairy dust and a reminder to us all that we care and that we've got to figure this out. We're not going to be willing to come back to the conversation.

You're setting it up for success.

Yeah, if I feel shredded after a conversation.

No, I'm not doing that again.

Hell no.

Exactly.

If I've dominated the conversation in a power and control move and I'm the shredder, I'm not going to want to bring this up again because every time it comes up, it makes me feel terrible, makes me feel like a monster. So this is how we prevent discovering and uncovering the solutions that we need that we each have a contribution in. Okay. It's going to take both of us to solve because why this is a co creation. So sprinkling fairy dust and conversations at the end, including thanking the other person for the time and expressing the care for them, is going to be a game changer. Don't forget the last piece of bread on your sandwich. Otherwise the sandwich is not going to stay together. Okay, so fairy dust on the top, fairy dust on the bottom, and the four Cs of call it out, Commingle your differences, claim your spot, continue the conversation. Are the guts of your sandwich followed by a last piece of fairy dust. We're going to go round and round and round with this. Okay? The single goal of communication is understanding. That's it. Me understanding myself and understanding you. That's what we're pursuing consistently and always. And when we speak to understand, I'm speaking to understand myself. It's when I listen, I understand others. This framework will require you to practice the communication strategies that we've talked about. Please know you may have an illogical understanding of it now, which is awesome. That's what we're hoping you take away from this podcast episode. But please do not be dismayed in thinking that you are a communication master, because these words need to come out of your mouth and you're going to have to have some experience getting through each of these stages to success. So if you will take on practicing this saying the words we've suggested you use, following the framework that we are outlining here, I promise it will serve you greatly.

So is it fair to say that they'll most likely be some required emotional push ups throughout this communication sandwich framework.

And you're gonna totally blow this. And it's okay, I want you to. Because that tells you're practicing the skill of effective communication and building and maintaining strong relationships is at the heart of thriving relationships. And it's going to take skill and practice, and in order to get good at it, we're going to have to flub it up and reset. Go again.

Gosh, I wish there was some kind of a workbook or something that people could maybe have, because this seems like a lot for me to even for me, and I'm somewhat of a creator of this. Oh, wait, wait. I think there is.

Yes, there is a. Thank goodness, a wonderful workbook coming to help walk you through these steps that you can use to practice. Formulate your statements of truth, formulate your asks, formulate your invitations in do a deep dive into listening and acquiring the skills that are important for commingling, and then even frameworks and phrases to use in claiming your spot. And it's all coming to you. It's we're so close to having it done. It's called the Communication Cure for Couples Guided Workbook, and it's in its final stages of production right now. This workbook is crafted to guide you and your partner through the transformative communication strategies that we've explored here with you today, as well as to practice the the frameworks as well. This is sure to strengthen the bond in your relationship. So if this is something you want to get on board with and you want to obtain the very first copies hot off the press, you probably need to visit stacybartley.com forward/communication because we expect this first run of books to sell out as we get it put up on Amazon. So if you want to make sure you get your copy, it's pretty important that you get signed up to receive updates and then you'll be notified the moment our Communication Cure for Couples Guided Workbook is ready to help you and your partner navigate the complexities of communication with ease and love.

Well, and you know, I would say I. I do. The clarity calls for people that are wanting to explore how it is what it looks like to work with us. And I would easily say 95 to 99% of the people site communication is one of the reasons why they're calling me and wanting to explore working with us. So it's not like this is something that that only a couple couples struggle with.

We're excited about the positive changes actually that this workbook can bring into your relationship. It's going to help streamline your ability to do a lot of what we teach here on the podcast. It's going to give you the workbook so you've got it in the very own hands. And if you'll just follow along, the teachings are in There, the ability to like dig deep into finding the answers to what it is you want to say, the ability to kind of put it into the steps and get good about it is all there. So you're going to be able to practice the rounds, you're going to be able to find the words, you're going to be able to find the clarity and it's going to be a home run and you're going to be able to hold this within your own hands. So I'm super excited about it. So while you wait, we encourage you to reflect on the insights from this series of the podcast and to start applying them by listening maybe multiple times to this. And then when you've got the workbook and you can come back and listen to the audio teachings of the podcast as well, that's almost as good as like doing this one on one in a private session. You'll have what you need in order to knock your communication out. We'd also love to hear your thoughts and expectations of the workbook so you can share that via our website, social media channels or direct email us because your engagement is what fuels this mission to support couples in creating more strong communicative relationships overall. And if by chance you want a place where you can come and work with us more intimately around these conversations, we have two options for you. The first is the roadmap that will be taking place here shortly. They're going to be ongoing throughout the year.

Go to loveandlmborodemap.com and you can it.

Can explore what that 30 day roadmap looks like for you. We're going to walk with you for 30 days. We spend an entire week practicing communication frameworks with the people that are going through the Roadmap with you. It's a life altering experience. And if that's something that you feel some need for like some intensity, walk with us, let us hold your hand. Experience. The roadmap has it to offer you. And then if you need something that's not for 30 days, that's maybe a little more ongoing but not so intense day to day to day to day. We have our Better Love Club and that's a place where you can come in and as a couple or as an individual, we cater to you both and we're becoming better and better at that. You can come into the Better Love Club and you'll have practice, places of practice, worksheets, workshops, group calls, community to help you practice there as well. And you can access information about the Better Love Club by going to the betterloveclub.com that is correct. Yay. To get information about all of this, you can actually go to my website as well. So thank you so much. This is a conversation that's so important. And as we step into closing this episode out, our follow the fun moment today is what do you want? This is an exercise to help you come up with those asks that are so important in the conversations that you need to be having. Stepping out of don't want and into do want in. What do you want? If you could say what you wanted to say, what would that be? If you could ask for what it is you truly wanted, what would that be? I'm going to encourage you to write each of them down on a piece of paper and then challenge yourself to turn your list into an ask instead of a beat up by focusing on the want. And then practice staying your statement of truth plus your identified ask plus an invitation. And this is something that you can practice and rehearse. It's better than having a fight in your head while you're taking a shower and playing out the different scenarios. I would ask you to do this instead. Our song for today's episode is actually an instrumental. It's a group by Simmel. Siml is an instrumental group. How I Got Home is the name of the song today. This will cause you, at least it does for me, to sink deep within yourself. It creates a definite sense of coming home to me. It's the perfect place when we're preparing for an important conversation with ourselves or others. Turn the song on and do the exercise. The follow the fun. There you go to do that little bit of exploration. It'll provide you with the inspiration that you need. You can listen to this week's song along with our entire relationship playlist by going to our website or find us on Spotify at Love Shack Live playlist. I guess that's a wrap this week. It's been a joy and a pleasure to be here with you inside of the Love Shack. Now practice, practice, practice, practice. Until next time. We'll look forward to being back here again. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.