#173: When They Say 'I Need Space': Your Roadmap Through Relationship Gaps (Part 1)

Ever felt like you're walking on eggshells trying not to crowd your partner? Yet the more space you give, the wider the gap between you seems to grow. It's a heart wrenching place to be feeling like you're standing at a crossroads between choosing to hold on tighter or let go. Welcome to Love Shack Live, where we delve into the heart of relationship challenges, exploring the daily conflicts and emotional distance that test the very foundation of love. If you're yearning to bridge the gap and rekindle a connection that's both genuine and enduring, you're in the right place. Today we're going to dive into a conversation to help you bridge that gap. I'm Stacy Bartley, an integrated sex and couples specialist who has navigated the turbulent waters of love, not just professionally, but personally. And alongside me is my co host and lover, Tom, and our daughter Brooke. Together we're here to guide you through the complexities of love, conflict and reconnection. And today we ask the pivotal question, how can we give space that can actually bring us closer together? We'll explore this paradox, bringing you in to our love and limbo. 30 day roadmap experience. It's a journey designed not just to survive relationship space, but to thrive within it. Why 30 days, you might ask. Because profound transformation unfolds over time, nurtured by insight, reflection and dedicated steps. This journey is not about instant solutions, but deep, meaningful change taken in small, doable steps that accumulate over time. Each week of the Roadmap, we dive into new aspects of your relationship with yourself and your connection to others, guiding you through exercises, reflections and actions designed to foster understanding and resiliency, step by step. So if you're feeling the strain of emotional distance and wondering if the space between you can ever be a source of connection, stay with us. Let's transform the way we love together.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

So let's start by talking about bridging this gap. The place between knowing that space has been asked for and attempting to honor that space. But the question that we get a lot of the time is then what do I do with the time? And most of us in this space tend to just feel like we've got to decide how to weather it. It's kind of like grit your teeth and just bear it in the suffering place because there's nothing to be done. And I want you to know there's plenty to be done. It's just we don't take advantage of this time of space and opportunity because number one we don't see it as an opportunity. And number two, we don't know what to do with the time. Even the person who is the person asking for space, they're going to ask themselves the same question exactly. They know they need space. They know this isn't working. They finally mustered up the courage to ask for it and take it. And now what do I do? Where do I go from here to find the clarity, resolve the conflict within myself, really, and resolve what it is I need to know and understand about this relationship to determine if we want to go another round and rebuild it or we need to just move on to something else. And those are the big questions that create a tremendous amount of conflict inside of us when we find ourselves in this place. And this roadmap is a resource for that. Regardless of whether you're the person asking for space or you're the person that's trying to do your best to give it, this is the what to do with the time and space that you have. And it will fill this time and space with what you need to know and realize and gain as far as clarity, resource and skill to help you know what you need to do.

So for those of you that have been listening for a while, number one, thank you. And know we say often space with a plan and a purpose. And the roadmap is our contribution, our place to help facilitate you in accomplishing this space and separation with a plan and a purpose.

So today we're going to kind of walk you through the roadmap of what it is, what you can look forward to, really, to help you determine if this is a good time and use and space and place for your time of space and separation. And I also just want to point out that we've had several people go through this roadmap as well that are just wanting to improve their relationship overall. And the reason why this is so effective. We'll talk about this again and again and again. Is it. It literally is a roadmap to help you navigate through difficulty when it arises in our relationships. And as I like to say, we begin where we need to begin, which is finding myself on the map of our relationship personally. It's like we can't really navigate anywhere new until I know where I am personally on the map. Now you might go, well, duh, but I know, but look, here's how this typically rolls. I'm trying to find where my person is on the map and then we'll navigate from there. That's typically what I think I need to do. Is figure out where my person is, and then I'll just come along for the ride, which is the first big obstacle. That and conflict within yourself. That needs to be addressed and talked about. Each person in the relationship needs to find where they are on the map, because it is only from there that we can navigate to a different place within ourselves, but choose in without the obligation, the force, the manipulation, the coercion, all of those things that we typically do. If I'm focused on where my partner is and what my partner is doing, I need to find my own place on the map so that I can feel good about the steps and choices that I'm making along the way as we move forward. That's typically what creates the need for space in the first place, is one or more of us have lost our footing in regards to understanding what works for me and what doesn't. And then I start going along with my partner to please them or avoid them. And then I find myself in this place of tremendous conflict and frustration and disappointment and depression and anxiety. I'm breaking down myself, but I continue to buy into the illusion and the belief that if I'll just figure out what makes my partner happy, then I'll be happy. And I'm saying that is not true life. That is the story we've been told about relationships overall. So I've gotta find my place on the map first. And that's the first step we need to embark on in this roadmap journey.

I also wanted to just say that there is no instruction manual about what to do when your partner asks for space, which I know the people who are being asked for a space wish there was, because it's just a place where you feel like your whole world has been pulled out from underneath your feet. And you're like, what am I supposed to do now? So I would say that our roadmap is a sort of instruction manual of what you can do during this time where you're waiting for your partner. And we've designed it in the way that we have to stop the obsessive thinking that I know you all are going through. Because I'm an anxious person myself who has been asked for, and all you're doing is going around in circles in your mind. How can I get them back? Should I text them? If I text them another time today, they're probably gonna think I'm crazy or they're gonna block my number or throw their phone out the window. But I just need comfort, and I need reassurance, and I need to Know that they still love me, and I need to know that I still matter. And all those thoughts that we know that you're having, that's what this roadmap is for. It's to get you through that. And not only get you through it, but to remind you that you matter too. And that's what Stacy is talking about, coming home to yourself. It's to remember that you really matter and that you are a person too. And yeah, it sucks that they are taking space, but I think sometimes we just forget that we are people too. A whole person who deserves to feel good and deserves to have a choice and make decisions. And we don't need to wait for our partners to tell us what to do. We are humans and we can get through this because we are. We matter too. You know, I think this is really a time where we forget that.

Well, and I'll speak to the avoidant side of this equation because I probably lean more that way than I do the anxious side, just so we can represent both sides. Here, I think is important the avoidance need to learn and understand. You don't need to run away in order to work through your difficulty and your conflict because they're spinning and spiraling in their obsessive thoughts as well. They're just going to probably get lost in a lot of work and maybe working out and getting lost in the children and things that help me feel a little bit better productively in my attempt to avoid the conversations that I really feel uncomfortable and awkward having. And I'm really not quite sure how to manage all of the emotion that's coming up inside of me. All I know is that it hurts. All I know is that I don't know what to do with it, but I'm carrying it around, trying my best to avoid it and ignore it and discharge it somewhere else. So I get productive, I get busy. I get working on another project so that I can forget about this. And really, what prevents us from stepping back in and navigating many of the things that we talk about in the roadmap is just my willingness to realize that I can't run away from this. It. It's not really going to give me what it is I want. Sure, I can create success in other areas of the journey, but avoiding this person that I feel connected to and yet brings me a tremendous amount of angst is usually because I don't know how to work with the emotion that I'm feeling and navigate through it. And we want to and have the ability as a human being to do both, to be productive physically and to be well versed in our own emotional language, emotionally, intellectually, internally. And we want to be able to do both. We want to be able to regulate both sides of this. So just as maybe if you're on the anxious side needs to come and settle within themselves and learn many of the skills the avoidant has of let it go and get focused on something else and get busy and remember you're productive and you're not just this relationship, you're so much more than that. The avoidant needs to recognize and realize I don't have to be afraid of this emotional journey. I don't have to think that my only answer is to let it go and look to the next that I can and need to develop that working acumen of being able to describe and share a lot of the emotions that I'm having as well as ask for what did I need in the process. And then from there we could decide and choose what we need to do instead. So this journey will take you through those steps for 30 days. And why 30 days? Because it takes time. This isn't a magic peel or a magic cure. I can't say do this one thing or take this tea or pop this pill or do this one activity and it's going to take you to the promised land. Because great relationships are built through acts that are effective skills that build on themselves over time. And then as I maintain those skills, I reap the rewards of all the things we say we want in relationship. Connection, intimacy, safety. This idea of co creation where I can co create more with you than I can on my own. There's an exponential component that happens in relationships that very few of us are privileged to take advantage of just because we're not willing to do those skills, learn those skills and take those step by step things that build over time and we invest into it and as we do it gets better and better and better and better. Okay, so these are those step by step things. And each week it's gonna target a specific area for growth and stability, not only within yourself, but in your relationship too. So let's talk about week one, coming home to yourself. As I've already mentioned, this is like finding yourself on the map of your own life. And if I don't begin there, then anywhere I go is going to feel like a personal rejection of self. I don't have myself on board. I don't have the clarity and understanding and knowing as to why I'm doing it. I'm just doing it because you're doing it. Isn't that good enough? No, actually, it needs to make sense for you. Or we create a tremendous amount of emotional conflict inside of ourselves. And then I find myself manipulating and enrolling myself to do these things that other people want to do. And the whole time I'm getting like, flashback, this doesn't work for you. You don't want to do this. You're going in a direction that doesn't serve you. And then I override that, only to say, no, it's going to be fine. They know better than me. I'll just follow their lead. This is going to be great. And. And that is us leading ourselves to what I call a lose lose, where everybody's breaking down. Number one, the person that you're following doesn't want the burden of you just following along because you're following along. Number two, yourself. The essence that you are is going to continue to flash that this is something that doesn't work for you until you resolve it with some clarity and understanding about you. So that's what it means to come home to you. It's like, okay, here's where I am now. Let me decide from here where I need to go. And from there we can create better clarity and better decisions about what we are to become. And if we really think about it, this is what we did in the beginning of our relationships to begin with. Mostly typically, I would say, well, this is what I need. What do you need? Oh, you want to do that? Well, me too. Okay, what else have you got? You like the. Oh, my gosh, that's incredible. I. I didn't know anybody on the planet like that like you do. All right, let's. Let's do this. Let's co create together and see where it takes us. And it's kind of like we gotta come back around in that cycle of recreation and say, okay, timeout. Wait a minute. That's what space is. Timeout. Let's just reset. Okay, what do you need again? And here's what I need again. And we won't be able to come up with those answers until we actually come home to ourselves. Number one, this concept is usually thwarted because our locus of focus is typically on our partners. This idea that I'll just do what you want to do, let me figure them out. Why would they do this? Why would they say this? Why are they going there? What does this mean? We get those questions all the time. And I always like to say, well, okay, forget about that. What do you need? What do you want? What works for you? What doesn't work for you? Where are you going? What do you want to see happen? We need to ask those questions of ourselves, not waste our emotional effort and energy trying to figure it out what it is, figure out what those answers are for our partners. And here's the kicker. You don't and can't figure out what it is for your partner because you don't even have access to the intel to do so. So the best you can do is pull assumptions from your own experience that then you forecast or forlay on your partner. And it's amazing how we come to conclusions and we think we're so right, but as we start to vet them out, there's so many that are so wrong because it's coming from a locus of focus which is not on you, it's on your partner. And this usually leads us to another common belief that if I just get them to come back, everything is going to be fine. No, if they just come back, we're likely to cycle right back into another episode, but escalated of what it is we just went through because we don't have the understanding and the clarity and the skill and the know how to do it differently as we go forward. And that's what prompts space in the first place.

Do you think that's why some relationships are quote unquote on again, off again because of what you just said?

Yes, very much so. We go through cycles and cycles and cycles of this where there's the honeymoon phase, oh my gosh, you come home, this is the best days of our lives. This is going to be great. We've got this. We're going to do it so different from here on out. So I'm never going to do those things that I used to do. And you're not either. Okay? This is a home run. We got this only to find ourselves through the progression of life, us going back to the same old patterns and the same old behaviors and the same old conversations that we had that led to space and separation in the first place. And here's the thing, that window was really long in the beginning because asking for space and separation takes a lot of courage on both sides. Okay? But once I've asked for it and we've gone through a cycle like that, I now know what it looks like. And so I become very sensitive to the things that led to it in the first place. So the next window is going to be shorter because I become more sensitive to it. And then the following consecutive windows will become shorter and shorter and shorter, intolerable almost. Well.

And that's why we say, and it's been our experience in helping others, if we just have continuous space, space plus space plus space equals more space. So there's no plan and purpose. We're going to simply create what we've already done. And Stacy said and the window will become shorter and everyone will become more. Escalated more quickly.

Yeah. And let's just say we buy into the idea that coming back together is the answer. We're going to go through several cycles of this. Not just space, with space, with more space, with more space where inevitably we have nothing to put it back together. That's the opposite side of what we're talking about. But, but also if I just come home without addressing these things, then what happens is I go round and round and round. That gets shorter and more dramatic and escalated over time until pretty so sensitive I can't come back and rebuild a relationship with you. And so both are absolutely going to play out. And I, I'm hoping that we're impressing upon you that rather than do either of those options, this is an opportunity and we implore you to take this opportunity to gain the understanding and clarity first inside of yourself. That's what coming home is. And then garner the skills and understanding that you need to have about relationships and how to rudder yourself through this so that you don't go through that cycle 10 times before you end it and you're exhausted and too sensitive to try again. Or just let this be a time of space that lingers so long that it basically is easier to let go of than it is to come back and repair. What I would encourage you to do is recognize there's so much time here that you can utilize to learn more about yourself, about love, about relationships, about partnership, and about what it is you need and want to advocate for to take you into the future of your relationship life. And if those things don't happen, then no problem, we just tend to recycle them even with a different face and a different time and place. So there's no right or wrong here. I'm just trying to help you understand how it works. And this is why we developed a 30 day roadmap in the first place, is because there was really no great solutions for couples that are in this place. There is nothing that has been offered up as good working steps to help me navigate into the future of my relationship regardless of how this goes in a better way. Ensuring that it's going to be a win either way because we're going to gain what it is we need to understand and know about ourselves and relationships overall that will bless our lives long into the future, ideally for the rest of your life.

There are probably a lot of people who are like, okay, then just tell me how to create a plan. And I would like to say we have, we have an episode on how to create space with a plan, but I'm just going to be transparent with you. The reason why it's probably not working on your own without some guidance is number one, you haven't come back to yourself, which is hard to do without some know how and some like a real support and feeling grounded be which is really hard to do when you're feeling so frenetic and emotionally unstable and all of the things that are perfectly normal to feel right now. And number two, I'm gonna give you a sneak peek of what number two is. It's emotional weightlifting and emotional safety. Those two things are either non existent or broken in your relationship. And you can't create a plan if you don't have emotional safety and you don't know how to emotionally regulate. Those two things are so important. And my reason for this very long spiel is because creating a plan without those things is like creating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with no bread. You just have a globe of peanut butter and jelly on your hands and nowhere to put it, you know, like, it doesn't work. So we can give you all of the tools and skills of knowing how to create a plan with your partner during space and separation, but the real rubber meets the road. Where are you actually going to be able to do those things without some help? And we're not doing this to steal your money out of your pockets and saying, no, you're not gonna be able to create a plan unless you work with Tom and Stacy and Brooke. That's not the point I'm making. The point I'm making is we do not learn these things in our life or in school or from our parents normally or college or all the places we go to learn things. So if you want to make this period of time, which is really stressful and hard in your life, go a little bit more smoothly where you can gather the tools and skills that are really gonna make a difference in a time that really matters. That is why we've created this roadmap. And I think sometimes people forget that because they just see a sales page or they just hear us talking about the same things over and over and over again. No, like these skills that we teach inside the roadmap are non negotiable. You have to have them if you want this to go differently and to go better. And I just think that's important to mention because sometimes we just get away from that. But these things, these weekly skills that you are going to learn if you decide to join us, they're not going to only make this part of your life better. They're going to stick with you and they're going to make every single interaction with another human go better because they're just, they're so important. We resist investing into ourselves and into our relationships so much because we're like, oh God, we have, you know, you gotta pay the bills, you gotta do the laundry, you gotta get the groceries. But I don't know, I was just feeling inspired to say that these things are so important and if you could just take a chance on yourself and join us, it would change your life in ways you can't even imagine right now.

I, I love what you said, Brooke. And I just wanna stack on that because this time of anguish, which is very difficult, and you're doing things right now that you wouldn't typically do, like maybe even listening to this podcast episode is something that you wouldn't even dream about doing, but because something with the title or the intro or somebody told you that you needed to check out this episode, all of a sudden you find yourself hearing and listening to our voice. And that's the point. You need to take that emotional effort and energy that is coming from pain and suffering. Because we don't see this as an opportunity that it is, but it really is. I am as a human being willing to do things in this space I wouldn't be willing to do out of any ordinary day of my life. I'm looking for answers and I'm searching desperately and I'm open and finally willing to do whatever I need to do in order to go in a different direction, to help me stop and get out of this suffering place. That as, as awful as it sounds when I say it is a ripe opportunity that you could leverage with to grow and enhance yourself in ways you can't even imagine right now, because the willingness to do these challenging, difficult things, the most courageous of which is facing off with yourself, the thing that most of us as human beings avoid doing until we just can't anymore, is a very ripe opportunity.

We're going to family Stack on. What Brooke started here is in really very simple terms, the way I view it is. Look again, what Stacy just shared. We know you're in a very difficult place. Why? Because all three of us have been in it. This is not theory and I'm not trying to take anything away. But to be fair, like Stacy said, you wouldn't be listening to us if you weren't in this place. Okay, so that is what it is. But if the worst that could happen because of this is yes, you found the courage to turn and face us and become a better version of yourself, as they say in Las Vegas, those are very good odds. Those are tremendous odds. And everything above that is pure upside. Well then, for heaven's sakes, I think it's the finest ROI I could offer you. For real. So let's just leave it at that. I mean, that's as passionate you've just heard all three of us, and it really is. And we are right there with you, walking with you, because this is what we do as a family and a body of work. And all three of us have been in a similar place as well.

Our alternative to this is to continue to live in a place of illusion, which is me avoiding and not addressing why space has been asked for in the first place, either by myself or by my partner. And so we can spin it and look for evidence and signs that everything is gonna be okay, or we can roll up our sleeves and we can face the reality of what is. And we can actually leverage this moment of opportunity where because of the emotional pain, I am going to be more motivated, more willing and more open to do things I've never been willing to do before. And that's why this place is such a great opportunity to capitalize on. And unfortunately for most of us as human beings, we spend this emotional energy in places that in the end only bring about more suffering and pain instead of leveraging the moment of opportunity and possibility that we can. And not because we're ill intended or malicious or vindictive. It's because we just don't know better. So part of why we talk about this very important place of space and separation is to help you see and understand. No, There's a precious moment here. I agree with you. It's hard and it's difficult, but that can be leveraged to your benefit, not your demise.

And it's fleeting. It won't be. This precious moment won't be forever. It won't.

Yes, so true. So true. And if I stay in the conversation of expecting that somebody is going to have my answers for me, or if I just need to conform to what it is my partner is, or that I just need to run away until the next opportunity. That will be a pattern in my life that I will continue to play out again and again and again until that pain becomes so painful that then I might be given another precious moment to turn and face it. No harm, no foul. I talk about this from personal experience because, you know, dear listener, I spent two decades of my life to learn this lesson that I'm desperately trying to communicate to you. And you only have to spend the same two decades and countless broken relationships and countless places of where I felt like I was broken and dismantled and was never going to be able to find love in my life again. Not because it was impossible, but because I wasn't adhering and taking advantage of this precious opportunity that is so very precious. And when I did, it absolutely took me to a different place of understanding, both within myself and with my understanding of life and love overall. It completely transformed my life. So if you hear the passion in our voice and the conviction, it's not because we're trying to be pushy. It's because we've personally lived it ourselves. There is no amount of pretending, living an illusion that everything is going to be fine if you come home, that will offset the rolling up your sleeves and really doing the evaluation of facing off with yourself, deciding where you are and what you need in order to be of thriving, happy, fulfilled human being. And nobody can give that to you. That is work that only you can do. And so week one of the roadmap is all about that. Coming home to yourself. And then, as Brooks already highlighted, week two is all about the emotional weightlifting that very often prevents us from doing those things.

Why?

Because we're too busy. Like me throwing a fit about it. Too busy thinking that it's somebody else's shit. And I just keep finding myself in these places. They did this to me. It's their fault. I can't believe I'm here again. Okay, well, gosh, we've got to look at that. It can't always be others. I have to finally take a good, hard look at myself. It's imperative that we develop a very strong foundation of self before addressing relationship issues. Otherwise, you are likely to engage unknowingly in manipulations of yourself and others in an attempt to get your emotional needs met like there is no other way.

What the heck is emotional weightlifting?

Let's talk about it. Emotional regulation is at the heart of this. So if somebody says something that all of a sudden I just overly react to in the moment, I don't feel like I'm overly Reacting. It's only as I look back after the fact and go, wow, that one really sent me sideways. That one really turned me into a hot mess. That's okay. It's by looking at these things and then knowing what to do differently, which is the skills that you learn in the roadmap. I have to have two parts. I have to know what's not working. And most of us are super good at that one. In fact, we judge ourselves harshly, we judge others harshly for the parts we see that don't work. But often what we don't realize is that I need to know what to do instead. Otherwise I'm going to do these things that I do even though I know they're a non working strategy because I don't have the second part. So emotional weightlifting is learning how to emotionally regulate. Through these skills you learn to manage your emotions effectively. And they're things like this. Hearing something difficult and not collapsing or attacking as a result of it. That's a reaction, not a response. That takes knowing what to do instead. Otherwise I'm gonna react. That's just how it's gonna roll. Or knowing how to bring yourself back to the listening after being triggered. If I don't have that ability, then I get triggered. I attack or I collapse and then I make up a whole scenario about what just happened and about you. And then I judge you and I judge me and there's nothing good there that happens. We stack on that as though that's true. And now we start to have the growing divide or what we call the race to the bottom. We also need to be able to garner the ability to resist the temptation to defend and manipulate or threaten. This is usually our go to because we don't know what else to do. And the reason why this is a problem is it's going to sacrifice the emotional safety for continuing to share yourself and your partner is going to be completely thwarted in the process to share themselves with you. And so we can't go anywhere. And then we just stay in these patterns of defensiveness and manipulation until there's nothing left to salvage because nobody feels emotionally safe. So if I use this example a lot, but just to give you an example of what emotional safety would look like, it would be somebody claiming that I was an emotional abuse, emotionally abusive person, or I was a verbally abusive person, for most of us as human beings, that would be a very hurtful thing to say or hear. And God forbid, you know, Tom or Brooke say those things to me, I would. It would stab me right in the heart, because I know that's not the kind of person I want to be. But, gosh, if you're experiencing me as abusive verbally, then wouldn't we want to know that? And here's the thing. Most of us, myself included in the past, would say, you think I'm verbally abusive? Well, let me pull out a bunch of times where you've been verbally abusive. That's usually how I would handle that. And I just want you to see that's attacking, that's defensive, that's manipulative. And I too can pull out a bunch of evidence where I could construe a story that Brooke and Tom were verbally and physically abusive to defend what it is they're trying to help me see in our relationship. And what have I accomplished? Everybody feeling hurt, everybody feeling disappointed, betrayed, let down, unsafe. What do you think is going to happen to our next choice and our next decision? We're going to engage less, talk less, avoid each other, only give half truths, never really ask for what it is we want. Not being willing to engage in any deep, real, authentic, honest, vulnerable conversation, I'm too busy protecting myself on all sides. So with emotional weightlifting, how could this go differently? As difficult as it was to hear those words, if I have the ability to do a few emotional pushups, I might ask a different question and I might say something along the lines of, man, you guys, that's really hard to hear. I'm sorry, that's not who I want to be. Help me understand and see how I'm coming across that way as I take a huge breath and do yet another pushup. And when they can help me see from their interpretation, not that that was my intention, not that it even was true, but that we're entertaining the conversation to see what's possible. What you'll find comes out of it is a couple of things. Number one, I'm showing up in ways that I didn't realize were offensive and I was coming off like that. Well, heck, if I'm going to co create with you for the rest of my life, don't you think I want to know that? Because likely, if I don't address it, it's just going to be a shutdown, quiet dissolving of our relationship anyway. So, no, please tell me, please. It's the only way we can address it. Number two, you might find that what you are firing off in them really has a lot more to do with the conflict that's happening inside of them from their past and their stories and their history than it ever did about you being verbally abusive. But we'll never get there if we can't do the emotional weightlifting that's required to uncover those understandings and truths.

So the weightlifting and the pushup is again, if we're triggered, we know what we've done in the past. So instead of attacking the manipulation, the coercion instead of deal, we're going to be tempted. We're going to be literally one step away of stepping back into that default behavior. The push up is then typically it's. It's a breath oxygenating ourselves, slowing our brain down, and then doing what Stacy just described instead. So that's the pushup. The pushup and the actualization and the growth happens when we don't do what we've always done, okay, we take that emotional rep and we do something different that's more empowering for everyone, both you and your person or whomever it is that you're having this experience with. You're doing something different, and more importantly, you're behaving in a different way that's going to render a much different result for you and others. Okay? That's an important distinction. That's the pushup. Okay? It's a different process and a different behavior. That's going to be very difficult in the beginning because there's so much reactiveness that's going to have us be right there. And it's going to in the beginning. That's very hard. And that it takes just like a brand new physical exercise takes those first reps of a new plate way of working our physical body. They're hard in the beginning. Then they become not so difficult through practice and repetitions. Same exact thing.

Well, and these conversations that are going to be had in a place where you're trying to come back together while space is happening, you want to talk about the most triggering conversations that you can have in a relationship. You know your partner is going to be telling you things that you have done that have hurt them and vice versa. Those are hard things to hear. If you don't have this basis of emotional safety. Just in normal relational situations, this is hard. But having it happen during separation in space adds a whole nother layer of difficulty. Where we talk about this a lot in the roadmap, where you need to control your facial expressions and not react and slow your reaction time down and watch your defensiveness and all of these things. So that is why I mentioned earlier how important emotional safety is. But you're not going to be able to do this just flip a switch and you can do it on your own. You need help and it doesn't have to be with us, but you need a mentor, you need a coach, you need someone helping you learn these skills because they are the secret and what you have been missing in your relationship.

Yeah, and you bring up a really good point that, that we are going to have to learn how to do emotional pushups to have the conversations we need to have in a time of space to uncover the solutions that we need in order to take this forward. Otherwise those solutions that we need to navigate our futures will continue to elude us like the answers are in those difficult conversations. And if we can't emotionally regulate ourselves to such a degree by doing some emotional weightlift to hear and explore those solutions, we're not going to receive the benefit of them. It will just be a react, you react, I react, you react, you react, I react and then we're done. And that's why we don't see so many successful examples of people navigating through space in a good way. It all is regarding emotional weightlifting and our ability to do that. And I know, look, you don't have to look very far in social media to hear people saying, ah, space, ah, it's done. If they've taken space, it's over. This is why, this is why is because we don't know how important and crucial the understanding and skills to do an emotional pushup when it matters most will be required. And you can learn it now or you can wait two decades like I did and learn it then. But as Brooke said and Tom has said, this is not an option. If you want to be good at love, you've got to get really good at emotional weightlifting. Otherwise we're going to create more of the same of what it is you've been experiencing. This is a two part series. Today we have covered week one, week two. So week one we talk about coming home, finding yourself on the map, what works for you, what do you need? You can't too, your voice matters. You're part of this co creation as well. And in week two we talk about the ever non negotiable skill of emotional weightlifting. Like if I can't do emotional weightlifting, I can't step in to anything further because I'm going to be a hot frigging mess. I'm going to either collapse and want to run away or I'm going to rip your face off and I'm going to step into manipulation and defensiveness and coercion and cornering and obligation and all of those things. This is where I say, you said you'd be there for me forever. This is not okay. Well, wait a minute. There's a lot that's changed since that day. We need to address that. We need to find those solutions within the context of our relationship. And it's going to take us coming home to ourselves.

So next week we're going to talk about weeks three and weeks four.

Next week we will talk about weeks three and weeks four. But if you know, just us talking about weeks one and two, that this is something you want to look deeper into, know that we would love and welcome you in the Roadmap. And you can find out all the information you need by going to loveandlmborodemap.com and you'll see the sales page there, which, okay, that's how it works. It's a sales page. But please go through it and see and understand what it is we're truly offering you here. Because as we close, I just want to share with you some of the testimonials that are true and real from real people that have actually gone through the roadmap. And not only that, we have several people coming back to be mentors on the Roadmap for you because it has been such a life changing experience for.

We have three past members of the Roadmap experience that yes, they are, you know, and they support us. And we. So the. We have Stacy and Brooke and I and three others we get. We pour into this experience really like nothing else. So yeah, it's. And they're able to speak about things and share their experiences of which Brooke and Stacy and I can't because we haven't been in there. So we're really, really excited to have them with us as well.

Yeah. So the first one that I want to say is these are all my favorites. I can't say that this is a favorite. That's about what I was going to say. But they're all wonderful. We have a different marriage when we're up against a challenge. We used to fight and be in the weeds and now we just talk. Not over talk. We get to the point and then it's over. I want you to know how full my heart is with gratitude for this experience. Thanks for helping us become better humans. That's what the Roadmap is about, becoming better humans. And one more it's helped me realize that I'm not broken. Oh, that's always music to my heart. Because you know what? I felt like I was broken for so many years. So anytime we can help somebody realize, oh wait, you're not broken, you're just fine. You just don't know the skills and don't have the understanding of the principles that will help you rudder life and love in a way that will actually bring life to you. So she says, it's helped me to realize I'm not broken, that I don't have. I'm sorry. It's helped me realize that I'm not broken, that I do have a big and a beautiful heart that is worthy of love and connection. Becoming more aware and in touch with the idea of knowing me is profound for me. And that's so true. We think that somebody else is going to be able to love us more than we can love ourselves. I certainly did. And that's not the truth. These places of insecurity and fear come up in our relationships and will highlight and play out especially the more that I care. And so this is absolutely a time and an opportunity for you to choose into feeling better, gaining confidence, self esteem, clarity inside of yourself, skills to rudder the inevitable ups and downs of life and a community with which you can participate in that is on the very same journey. I can't tell you how life giving that has been for the Roadmap members who have gone through this in community, recognizing and realizing that they're not alone. There are other people who are feeling the same way that they are and they just are here together to learn and cheer each other and champion each other on in this experience. So if this is something that that really inspires you that you need right now again go to loveinlimboroadmap.com we would love to support you on this journey.

I just want to say really quickly, if you know that this is for you, please join us because this is the last time we're going to be doing the Roadmap until fall of this year, fall of 2024. So we want you to we want to make sure you get in and join us this time around.

Today's Follow the Fun is actually an activity right out of the Roadmap that I've pulled exclusively for you. We call it in the Roadmap a personal anthem creation. The limbo of waiting can be an emotionally draining experience and music has the power to elevate our spirits. So I invite you today to create a playlist of songs that resonates with you on your current journey of self discovery. Let this be an anthem for you, you a musical reminder to prioritize your physical and your emotional well being, especially when times of doubt create and creep in as well as it can be the first item on a list that you need to create. Beginning with your songs, a list of things that you can reach for that will help you feel just a little bit better on days when your knees are buckling and your armpits feel a little sweaty. Our episode today and our song is a wonderful song that is maybe your first song to your anthem. It's a song by Jonathan Roy, Keeping Me Alive and in this song it's a good old fashioned shot of the inspiration of the fire within me is what keeps me alive. And you can find this on our Spotify channel on our playlist there Love Shack Live playlist and you can also go to our website and you can check out the song there's you can also look it up on YouTube. It's a very empowering song that you might find you want to add to that anthem playlist. Thank you so much for being here with us this week. So wonderful to have you here inside of the Inside of the Love Shack. We hope that you carry forward the insights and strategies that we've discussed here into your daily interactions and think about joining us inside of the 30 day roadmap. We become passionate about it and want to talk about it a lot just because we know it changed lives. It changes lives and it changes people's relationships and experiences of love. Overall, this is why we do what we do. We do it for you to make your life just a little better. Thanks for being here.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Sam.