#178: Boundary Blindspots: How to Express and Respect Limits in Love (Part 1)

Think back right now to a moment when you felt misunderstood by your partner, not necessarily because of a big argument, but because small misunderstandings kept piling up. Maybe it's the assumption that you'll always prioritize the relationship over personal time and it didn't happen, or the silent expectation that you'll manage stress in a way that's more comfortable for your partner than for yourself. And then you lost it. These unvoiced assumptions can lead to feelings of being resentful, invalidated and misunderstood, which began to quietly erode the perfect bonding connections we value most. Addressing these issues directly often feels like you're risking conflict or pushing your partner away, but it's a crucial step towards understanding the necessary steps towards reconciliation and the much desired experience of shared intimacy. Welcome to Love Shack Live. I'm Stacy Bartley and with me are my co host and lover Tom and our beautiful daughter Brooke. This is where you find understanding and strategies that work in real life. Today we're going to be talking about basic boundaries. How do we set them? Why do they matter? And what happens when they're ignored or left unspoken? We're going to discuss the importance of recognizing and adapting boundaries as relationships evolve over time. We'll provide practical advice on how to communicate changes effectively and share real life examples from those who have successfully navigated the complex boundary dynamics. Stay with us as we uncover why clear boundaries are not just about maintaining a sense of self, but also about deepening trust and understanding between partnership mean. After all, isn't it time to transform unspoken boundaries into bridges of connection? Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack. Let's begin this conversation by talking about what boundaries are. And as I was saying on an Instagram live here just a while ago, we didn't really step in robustly to the conversation around boundaries a year or two or five ago. It's because the way that boundaries were being discussed and talked about, I felt in my own professional and personal experience that it was creating more conflict than it was helping couples really understand and navigate through the conversation of boundaries in a way that would successfully garner the result that we were ultimately looking for. Which is what intimacy, connection, understanding, bonding and Drumroll please. The solutions that we need to actually navigate through the inevitable ups and downs of life. We were talking about boundaries from a place where there were hard lines on the sand. Non negotiables. I set a boundary. How dare you challenge them. And it was almost as though if I set a boundary and I said so that you weren't supposed to have any objection to that, that you were just simply supposed to honor that instead. And here is where we start to create problems and breakdown in our relationships. It's okay to have your boundaries. It's okay to have an awareness of essentially what works for you and what doesn't. But I also have to give credence if I'm in a process of co creation, which is what a relationship is, that my person that I'm trying to co create with might have some additional needs or thoughts or things that need to be added to the mix. So it's not just about my boundaries, it's about my boundaries plus your boundaries. And then we create boundaries for us. And as you can see in that it's not necessarily just a hard line. And people will say to me, stace doesn't know mean no. Well, yes, no is important and it's important that we all learn how to say it. But also there's a whole lot of conversation that goes unexplored beyond no because no is something that's said in times of I'm uncomfortable, I'm afraid, I don't know where to go, I don't know how to do this. This makes me feel uncomfortable. And I wish we could have more conversations around those things because that's what you'll find needs to happen in the exploration of us and the co creation of us. Otherwise everybody just says nope, I'm afraid, nope, nope, nope, not gonna happen. And somebody's going, hey, wait a minute now. Really? Just no, yeah, yeah, sorry, I'm not willing to go there because it makes me feel uncomfortable or I get anxious or I'm avoidant and or I'm depressed or I'm controlling. So get over it, you know. And I just want to propose the idea to you, that's not a boundary, that's what we call defensive. And defensiveness will always prevent us from being able to uncover the solutions and ideals that will help us create a better us. So we want to dive deep into this conversation today to help you understand the conversation of what is a boundary really and how it is we need to talk about them and share them and then what it empowers us to do. Actually, this is a very life giving conversation. It's not one to say your boundaries are not important, but we also have to talk about the reality that I push against something and I choose people to be in relationship and in love with that have some component that helps me grow. And I just think we don't talk about those things enough. Like I'm gonna fool around and fall in love with somebody who probably is the polar opposite in many ways than me, who probably has a skillset and a working acumen of things that I know I need, but yet when we get into it, then what happens is I get all frustrated and bogged down because I don't understand it. I need it, but I don't know how to acquire it. And my partner is probably that person that has been brought into my life to help demonstrate those things that I need to get better at and vice versa. And it's always a place where there's an even exchange there. Let me give you an example. I am a very social person. I love to explore new things. I'm a very curious, spontaneous person. I would say overall, like, I'm willing to step into the unknown and explore a lot of things. And as a result of that, I can be a force to reckon with. I know I can get pretty opinionated, I can get kind of pushy. I, I can do those things. But I wasn't always like that. I used to be a voiceless person who had a difficult time advocating for themselves, believe it or not. And it's only been through the progression of my own life that I have developed into this person. Yes, I've always been curious. I've always loved to have fun. But I've needed to find my voice in those extremes of not having one versus having too bold of one versus hopefully to find myself in a sense and a place in the middle. When I met Tom, I fooled around and fell in love with somebody who was pretty easygoing, pretty calm, pretty grounded, very detail oriented, wanted to think things through, have a logical progression, et cetera. And I want you to think as I described myself to you, listener. Can you see where that might be something that would be very beneficial to the overall sense of, well, being to myself, to maybe be a little more grounded, pay attention to more of the details, to not think that things are going to just optimistically fix themselves. Because I would say let's just do Z. And people would say to me, what about A, B, C, D and all the consecutive things? I don't worry about that, it'll take care of itself. Only to find in many places of creation, in my own life, I would turn around and think charge and there would be a huge mess on a Meyer storm behind me. And I, I could never figure out why. Well, it was because I was negating the details of ab, C, D, E, F, G and I'm just pursuing Z and thought that the Rest of it would take care of itself. And so Tom is a very grounding force for me. He's a very detail oriented person who in spite sometimes of me saying, why are you helping me so much? That makes me feel uncomfortable, him saying, well, do you not want me to help you at all? And I go, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't. I don't want that either. That wouldn't be good. By contrast. And babe, you can speak in here, but by contrast, if you are a very detailed person and often get mired in the data and you forget the joy of living and the spontaneity of life, maybe that starts to lend some insight in regards to why Tom might be attracted to a person like me. That what he needs to learn is to maybe sometimes let go of the data and the minutiae and the details and just let go and have a little fun and get a little curious and do step into some of those places where maybe B, C and D could be overlooked because it's going to take his disorder to Jay anyway and to trust that process. And so I see this in many relationships where the person that I fool around and fall in love with is so much more than the criteria logically that I've surmised it is, oh, they come from a good family, they have the same religious background, they have a really good socioeconomic balance. They enjoy this like I do, or like that like I do. There's so much more going on behind the scenes between the people that we fall in love with. And that behind the scenes part and piece, I believe, is the wisdom of self that says, you know what, Stace? You really need to learn this. You know what, Tom? You really need to learn this. This is gonna. And so we meet and we find the parts and pieces of somebody that just seem to be irresistible. And our logic makes it up that they're all really great and we check all the boxes only to find ourselves getting in these co creations. And the very things that I need to learn or understand or open up to are things that I resist, I get defensive about, they challenge me, they cause me to sweat, they make me feel uncomfortable and they make me feel awkward. And I don't know what to do with them because we don't have a working acumen of them. Nonetheless, it doesn't mean that they're not a contribution into who it is we can become. And I see this day in and day out, not only in my personal life, but in the clients that we are privileged and honored to serve. So what if for a moment we were to change our conclusion on our understanding about relationships overall? I have a contribution into who it is I have the capacity to be and that everybody has a contribution in. Instead of one of us needing to be right, one of us needing to be wrong. And now let's look at boundaries for a minute. What is a boundary? A boundary, simply put, is where I end and you begin. That's it. And where I end and you begin, when we talk about emotional nuances is constantly and forever evolving and they're really difficult to navigate if I don't have a very strong sense and awareness of myself. In fact, it will really be the nemesis of me if I don't have that awareness. Because what will tend to happen is I will think to myself and my logic without this awareness, I just need to please you. I'll just please you. I'll. I'll just roll over on myself. Even though I have some inkling or sense of self that says, this doesn't work for you, don't do this, you don't want to go there, this isn't going to end well. And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, it'll be fine. And I rationalize it away in my logic only to say, if I please you, then you'll know that I love you, that I care. And after all, this is what a good person in a relationship would do. I mean, a good spouse, a good partner, a good lover would just make it work for you. And I want to just point out here at this moment, it's not so much about what you do, it's about why you do what you do. So if I'm rolling over on myself because I want to please you, but inside and internally, I'm thinking to myself, ah, this doesn't really work for me. Don't really want to do this. I feel like I'm over giving or I'm overextending. Ah, says my thinking, it'll be fine, don't worry about it. And then I do it. What you'll find starts to brood within us is a sense of resentment. And it's almost as if we think you understand and know why I'm over giving or overextending myself. And my partner goes, no, I thank you so much. Thank you for giving that to me. Thank you. Oh gosh, you're so generous. This is so amazing. Oh, that was so helpful. That was so kind. They have no concept within themselves of where this over giving is happening. None whatsoever. The resentment and the brooding and the anger from the overextension is happening within you and is not obvious in a result of your partner. Your partner, by contrast, might be having, and assuredly is, a very different experience based on their experience and awareness of where they are. And so often we blame our partners for things that they know nothing about but makes perfect sense to ourselves. So in that conversation of where I end and you begin, when our partners, also, on the other side of the coin, bring things that are not working to them or for them, they're saying, hey, this really hurts my feelings, or hey, I really need more here. And rather than hear what they're saying or taking that in, what we can tend to do is get a little defensive. Oh, you're saying I'm not doing it right? No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying this hurts my feelings. We need to adjust it. Oh, so you're saying I, you know, blah, blah, blah, I. No, no, you're misunderstanding me. And Brooke, I would love for you to chime in here because this part and piece is so difficult. When I loved what you said earlier. If I share something with you about my awareness of myself and then I need to put it like a hot compress rag on my partner's forehead to help them recover because of their reaction, well, then I don't necessarily want to share with you what's happening for me so that we can explore that space of where I begin.

Yeah, we had an Instagram live earlier, like mom two mentioned, and one of the people who was watching asked me for tips on how to talk about boundaries with your partner who was anxious. And I said, one thing that really helps me is to know that the health or safety of our relationship is not on the table. Like, hey, look, I'm not trying to break up with you. This is just a conversation about something that's affecting me. And after we have this conversation, I still love you and I still want to be with you. And that's not what we're talking about here. Another thing is I said, for the anxious person, which I am one of, and I've said that many times on this podcast, I represent the anxious people. It can be really hard to have conversations like this with your partner because we take everything so personally and we worry that if our partner says that they are unhappy with something that we have done or if some behavior we are doing is hurting them or making them feel, you know, just bad, it can be so hard to hear that information and it sends us down a rabbit hole of self doubt and self hate. And we immediately turn it into a conversation about ourselves. And we're like, but I'm good, but don't you still love me? We have a great relationship, and it completely negates everything that your partner is trying to bring to the table. And Jack, my fiance, a couple of times he said, brooke, this isn't about you right now. And I would get offended at that. And then it would make it even worse. And like, no, I didn't say that to offend you. I was simply saying, we're not talking about you, so you don't have to worry about that. I'm talking about me and my feelings. But I was so insecure and so not on solid ground, and just like a wiggly noodle in my, I don't know, groundedness, it didn't exist. So anything that he said that I interpreted as being a critique, I would just flop around to his will. So, long story short is that if you have an anxious partner and you want to have these conversations with your partner about something that you would like to change in your relationship, number one, you have to be realistic. It's probably not going to go well if this is your first time, because all the things that I just said about myself are probably going to happen. And that's okay, because like I said in our Instagram Live earlier, the anxious person has a responsibility to push against their anxiety, to do an emotional pushup and not let their anxiety run their lives. Yes, it's a part of them, but it's not all of them. It's not who you are. It's something that you have to deal with. And number two, the anxious person needs to take some responsibility in the situation, like Mom 2 said. And if me coming to you and saying something that we want to change about the relationship or an area where I'm not getting my needs met or anything of like, that causes you to then have to take care of me because I become so emotionally distraught. I said, you don't want to have to put a cold compress on me. That's what it was like. Jack would come to me with something, and then he would have to nurse me back to health to make me a whole person again.

And it's.

Nothing got accomplished. That is a nightmare. And that is what happens over and over again in relationships where there's an anxious and an avoidant, which is the most common pairing. So it's happening in households all over the world, but nothing is happening. It's like you're moving a centimeter forward, and then you're moving 10 steps back and then you have to work so hard to get to that centimeter forward that you were just at. It's like a losing battle that is just exhausting for everybody involved. But no one is willing to pick up their piece of the puzzle because then you have to admit that there's something you need to work on, but everybody has something that they need to work on.

I think it's important here to talk about. The opposite side in this extreme is we have the anxious person, but then we also have the controlling person. We also have the person on the other side who's like, well, I've got a strong sense of self and here's what it's going to be and I've done a lot of work and I've got it all figured out. And so here's what's going to happen and here's what I know you need to do in order to grow. Just follow my steps and follow my rules and we're going to be fine. And I even start talking for you, I even start shutting you down when you start saying things that I don't agree with because of my own journey into self awareness. And this too will do exactly what we shared and what Brooke pointed to. Just in the inverse, on the polar opposite side, the same breakdown is happening and you don't feel really good about trying to run the show. And the more that it doesn't work out and the more that your person doesn't come along for the ride, the more concerned you become and the more pushy and controlling you get, thinking, oh, surely you just don't understand what I'm saying. Surely if you would just follow the steps and so I get more pushy when you more controlling over time. Just like the anxious person that continues in that pattern becomes more anxious over time. Every single thing that is expressed to the anxious person they take on personally. As though I should be able to prevent it. My partner should not be feeling this way, should not be struggling, should not have their own challenges and differences. It's my fault, I need to fix it. I need to figure out why. The same is true on the polar opposite side where the person is saying, well, if you would just follow my steps and you would just do what I say, then everything would be fine. And surely if you're misstepping or you're not doing it well, then I just need to shut that down and make sure that you ensure the steps that I've outlined here and I become more and more controlling and rigid or more and more responsible for your emotional sense of well being.

And your partner, who you're bossing around, becomes smaller and smaller and more and more disconnected from their voice and who they are as a person or the.

Person who doesn't feel like they can share what it is they need to say, because if they do, my partner's gonna fall apart. Just says, I'll handle this and manage this on my own. I'll just take care of this on my own. And the disconnection and the dissolving of our relationship continues over time. And then what's the net result of that? I need space. I can't do this anymore. Yeah. And it doesn't matter which side we're talking about. It happens for both people. Why? Not because I don't love you, not because I don't want this. Not because there's not great tremendous possibility or gifts of exchange here, but because I simply can't say what I need to say. I can't grow in this space with you. And I've run out of emotional gas. More importantly, and here's the thing, the net result, regardless of how you cope and express yourselves on either side of this, this line, what we know to be true in the world in which we live in, is that human beings that can't express themselves will break down. It's principled. It's like if you don't breathe, you will pass out. It's like that. It's principled. And yet we totally negate this because this emotional experience exists in what we call the invisible. There is no physical evidence of this, although time and time again its profound way with us is highlighted over and over again to the point where you're privileged to do the work that we do. We can, it's predictable. We can see it happening in real time, even though there's no physical evidence of it actually transpiring. And so a boundary is simply where I end and you begin. And that boundary of where I end and you begin is consistently and constantly changing as I as a human being change over time.

So would you think and sense from all of our experience that what you just said is probably where most people out of the gate are off, meaning most of us? I think that the common narrative boundary, and once it's set, there's no changing to that? And what you just said is it's constantly changing for our entire life.

Constantly.

And so it is with our partner. Yes.

Well, let's say this. We hope it's constantly changing. Because if it's not constantly changing, then you're not growing and neither is your partner and neither is your relationship. So if we insist on it being this set it and forget it experience, we can create that, but there's not going to be any progression of self and coupling beyond that after that.

And I would assert that that box that you just described would actually get smaller and smaller and smaller.

It does, yes. Because, you know, we only have two directions to go in the world in which we live in. I don't know why it's set up this way. I just know it is. It's either you're moving and growing, or the thing seems to swallow you hope whole. And you digress.

That's what I was doing with my anxiety. I was shutting my partner down in my marriage that I ended in divorce and my current relationship, I was doing that. I was forcing my partner to acquiesce to my anxiety unknowingly. I didn't know I was doing it, but I was doing it because every time they came to me with a. A request, a conversation, a difficult conversation, I broke down. So you have to make sure in these situations, it's so important for you to take your own behavior into consideration and ask yourself, am I a safe person for my partner to come to me with their thoughts, their worries, their boundaries? Because a lot of times you're not. It's just how you're showing up. And I was in a very bad place, so, you know, I wasn't dealing with it. But long story short is that if you're not a safe person for your partner to come to with these things, you make the box that they are allowed to live in. Like you were saying, dad, smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller. Cause there's nowhere for them to go with these things that are in their mind.

I totally agree with you. And. And again, the inverse can be true, where I think I've got it all figured out. And I'm not willing to admit that maybe there's some things here for me to explore and learn from the contribution of my partner. And so I just get more pushy, more controlling. Which leads me to an experience I had just this morning while I was crafting this podcast and I was speaking to a mediation client who said, gosh, Stacey, I love the pictures that I see of you and your husband Tom together. Like, there's just something so magical about the interaction, what I see is possible there. And he says, I know that I'm an over giver and I'm angry and I've overextended myself And I don't know what to do about that. And so your husband seems like a pretty nice guy, and I could only imagine that he, like, extends himself to you. So what prevents you from taking advantage of him? And.

Good question.

I know, isn't that a great question? And I said, what are you saying, client? Are you saying I'm a real force to reckon with? Because you're probably right. I, I, I am. I have a lot to handle.

Yes, she is, ladies and gentlemen.

You're listening. And, and what prevents you from taking advantage of Tom? Which was really the heart of the question, which I, I just smiled and acknowledged. And here's the thing. I fooled around and fell in love with Tom with the awareness with which this client was bringing to light. I had been in enough relationships at that point in time where I had been the voiceless person. And I knew that that didn't work. And not only that, I had a mother that really taught me the lesson that if you die with your voice inside of you, nothing good comes of it. You're just a shell of yourself, which I'm so thankful for. Like, whenever I'm tempted to not have a voice, all I have to do is remember the example of my mom. She had over given, overextended to the, to the detriment of herself. I know where that takes us. And I've also had experiences in relationships where I thought, well, I'll just be the controlling one. I'll just run the show and I'll find somebody who will hang the moon for me and that will make me happy. And that was even worse than being voiceless. I had somebody who loved me with all of their heart, and for some reason I couldn't get in. And they're saying, what do you want of me? I'll give it, I'll overextend, I'll over give. And I realized that that wasn't good either. And so when Tom and I came together, the moment I fell in love with him, and I was concerned because he is a really nice guy. He's really handsome, he's very stable. He's a very stabilizing force for me. He's very balanced. Probably one of the most balanced human beings I've ever met. And I was really worried in my own heart. You want to talk about being aware of where I end and you begin in a boundary? I was really worried within myself, like, can he handle me? What happens on my bad day? Is he just gonna let it ride and be fine with that? I mean, how is this gonna play out. And I knew enough because of my past experiences to know that that wasn't gonna go well either. And I was ruminating on this. And there was a day where I was a hot mess and I was acting out and I was saying some things that I shouldn't have been. And he looked me dead in the eye and he said, you sit your ass down right now because what you're doing is completely inappropriate and out of line. And then we're going to talk about this later. And all of a sudden I slid into the couch and thought, I love you. I love you so much. Because now I feel safe. Now I know we have a check and balance that you will advocate for yourself, and it's okay for me to have the strength and advocating for mine. And in that space in between, there's a beautiful magic that happens. That magic is that we can be who we are and we can share where we are. And I can also learn and grow and progress beyond that as I allow you to show me places and things that I don't know or have never had any experience with within myself. And we can have those conversations. So there is no topic off topic. There is no boundary that can't be reset or renegotiated or explored. And I have the safety of knowing that when I'm out of line, somebody will say so. And I have the safety of knowing that when somebody needs something and needs to remedy something, they'll let me know. I don't have to figure it out anymore. I don't have to pre think in my anxiety about what they need and what they want. And if I'm doing it wrong, because you know what I have the surety of knowing, they will tell me. They will not only let me know, but they'll also bring the remedy to the table and ask me if I can do it. And I go, go. Well, gosh, if you give me the recipe, I can knock this out of the park and I don't even have to like, sit up at night worrying about what it is. No, they'll do all that work for themselves because after all, don't we all have our own answers? And yet we expect our partners in that crossing of where I end and you begin to have the answers for us instead. And that creates what I call the race to the bottom. So boundaries truly are a conversation that it's ever evolving and ever growing about where I end, where I struggle, what I. You're not going to know any of that. You're only going to know about It. If I share it with you, and if I'm going to share it with you, then don't we need a really safe place to do that? Like, if I have to resurrect you and peel you off the ground when I'm trying to solve a remedy for myself, well, that's just too exhausting. I'll just handle it on my own. And what happens is we start living very, very separate lives.

I would say there'd be a lot of bleeding out the back.

Tremendous bleeding out the back.

That's what exactly. What happened in my marriage couldn't have been more separate lives that we were living.

And everybody has their part to play. And as much as we would like to point fingers and think we've got it all figured out because my partner does this or doesn't do that, they're not there for me here. I'm not there for them there. It's not about any of them. And so the conversation of boundaries is.

So important, and it's gotten so important that we've decided right on the fly that this is going to be two episodes.

I hope that you see in our conversation today that these differences bring us together and have the power to help us become who it is we have the capacity to be. Like, this is the crux of all relationships. I always say, if you want to put your personal growth on steroids, get into a relationship. It will expand you in ways you can't even imagine. This is also why they're very, very enticing to us as a human being. There is no other growth vehicle on the planet that will help me develop emotionally with the strength and capacity that I need to become who I have the capacity to be. And so I fall in love. And my person that I fall in love with is going to stretch me and cause me to show up and cause me to explore from a different perspective many things that I didn't even realize were possible. I was capable of, et cetera. And this is the gifts of awareness that continues to grow and expand and change over time. So boundaries, there's nothing set it and forget it about it. And if we were to con. Contemplate something of flexibility, where they can be more like a garage door instead of a fence that turns into a prison, we could adjust them every day. We could talk about them and explore them every day, because, after all, aren't I changing? My partner's changing. Our lives are changing, and what we are and how we interact and what we need is changing. And so this will be a continuous Ongoing ever unfolding conversation. And you start to see the problem with saying, that's it, I'm done, take it or leave it. Okay, well you've just cut yourself off from a lot of potential growth inside of your relationship overall. Now I know a lot of you were thinking, well yeah, but am I just supposed to put up with all this stuff that's going on that doesn't work for me? No, actually we need to have a conversation about it. And if your partner isn't in a place to have a conversation about those things, then that's something we need to tell the truth about and explore and decide what it is we want to dance with. But we need to get really rooted and aware in ourselves. And so in this two part series, this one kind of highlighting how we see boundaries and the second one being more steps that you can take and ways to think about this and even some talking and communication frameworks that you can use in your own life and relationship to help you navigate and explore what's possible. Here is what we're going to make good on and deliver for you in this two part series. Boundaries. I hope from this conversation today you understand impact our lives greatly. That it is no more a set it and forget it than trying to pretend like the end of today is the end of all days. That it is a constant, ever evolving, ever changing process that helps us grow in our awareness of ourselves and then the ability to share ourselves with another is what creates bonding and intimacy and what we call relationships. Overall a co creation of us. The best of me, the best of you, the places where I need to grow and the places where you need to grow. We smush it all together. And I probably have a lot of the answers you need and you probably have a lot of the things I need to learn. Damn if that's not going to challenge us. And that is a good thing to cap this. Anything else either one of you want to say?

Well, I would just say that we're going to really challenge the status quo here in a good way. To me this is really one of the fundamental missing parts that we're going to equip you with. That's going to allow your co creation process that we talk about to be dynamic, to be ever changing, to be fluid. And you'll have the capacity and the skill set to navigate that versus a very, very outdated approach of a set it, forget it. Against this most dynamic and ever changing process that we find ourselves all living in the world we live today. So why not let's align the two, rather than have this very important process and part of relationships is boundaries. But how can we understand them and navigate them and work with them really how they happen versus this kind of mythical, outdated process? That's really what I would say. And so part two, we're going to give you some real tactical things, you know, approaches like Stacy said, some conversations, literally some words to use people tell us all the time, I wish I had you in my ear where we're going to give you some things to put in your ear, to practice, to write them down so you can use them because you're going to forget them and not be able to use them unless you have them accessible because you're going to be triggered and going to be emotional and they won't, you won't have access to them.

Understanding ourselves, the awareness of ourselves is what provides us with our personal confidence and self esteem and also contributes to where I end and you begin. It helps to see where the boundaries are. And without that lack of personal awareness that is on each of us to develop within ourselves, boundaries on this conversation will become very, very challenging. I'll either want to please, overextend, over, give or control, shut down, monopolize, get rigid and either one is going to take us to a place of personal breakdown. I hope that in summary, that's your overall takeaway from this place of awareness here and when instead what we need to do is skill up, learn some better ways of navigating this place and space, and recognize that my partner probably has more to contribute to me or showcase to me than I think they do in my rage to shut it down or depict them as wrong or not seeing things in their true light. I need to look at it from a new place of self awareness. I need to look at it from what it is it's teaching me about myself or showcasing for me in places where I do this to me. And those are conversations that we'll pick up in the next episode. For now, thank you so much for being here with us. Thank you so much for sharing your conversations, your questions with us. And before we wrap up this podcast episode, I want to just point out something that is new that we are excited to share with you. You right now in this podcast directory that you're probably listening to this episode through, you can engage with us through text. And so as we close out today's show, I want you to know that you can send us a text feature and you can interact with us directly through the podcast app. You can just send us a text message. You'll find the link at the top of this episode description. You can text us your questions and your comments right from there, which is very exciting and here's why we're really excited about this. We select questions to answer in our special Q and A episodes, but also your questions can direct the content that we create because we're dedicated to creating and having the conversations that matter most to our listeners. And essentially this is our way of being able to co create with you. So if you have a question, if you have a comment, or you have a topic that you would like to share with us and us to talk about here in the Love shack, please text us because we really do genuinely want to hear what it is you have to say. So if you're curious about today's discussion or you have a pressing relationship concern, don't hesitate to reach out to us. Your input is crucial and shaping our podcast so that we can make relevant and helpful information possible for our entire community. And again, all you need to do is click the text link in the description of this podcast. Wherever you're listening to podcast, that's a.

Wonderful technological advancement, right?

I totally agree.

I think that is so awesome. And you can do it anonymously. So we know a lot of you and rightfully so are hesitant. So can send us a text. You can just simply share the challenge or whatever, no name or reference or whatever and it still serves you and it serves us in the community.

It. Our Follow the Fun Today is where I end and you begin. Boy, hasn't that been the conversation of the day? And I want to invite you in this exercise to notice the next time that a loved one voices frustration, disappointment or pain, notice your reaction. Like just take a pause and notice what your reaction is. Do you jump into problems, problem solving? Do you jump into defending? Do you jump into competing? Or are you able to allow what they're saying as an expression of themselves be present and can you listen to it? Are you left taking on their pain or deepening the understanding of their fears and frustration shared? Can you seek to understand without taking it on or defending yourself? This will be the moment where you can see many things that are playing out in your relationship regarding where I end and you begin. Begin in any given moment. I hope that you'll play around with that. It's not right, it's not wrong, it's not good, it's not bad. It's where we start to develop a sense and an awareness of where I end and you begin. Our song for today is a song called Liar by Carl Michael and it features Teddy Swim. He is so good. Liar is Gosh. The lyrics of the song are so perfect for our conversation today because he starts out singing the song by saying, I tried so hard to be what you need and now I'm calling you a liar. I tried, I gave, I overextended, I thought I was becoming and then you said I wasn't there for you, I didn't need you, you couldn't show up for me and now all I can say is that you're a liar and I thought that so highlights the places and spaces that we live in when it comes to this place of boundaries, because that's what we feel. When I feel like I've tried to do the very best I know how and yet I'm still not able to satisfy you or be what you need and trust and know in those places and spaces, it simply means there's a conversation that was never had, there was an understanding that was never obtained. And so I point fingers at you, right? Calling you a liar or saying you were never there for me and bada bing, bada boom. As they say in the song, it's a losing game when we're keeping score. We don't even know what we're fighting for. You can check out this song on our podcast page or you can check it out on Spotify in the Love Shack Live playlist. And if by chance today's conversation has resonated with you and you're seeking more tools and support to navigating your understanding of boundaries or experiencing the challenges of space and separation, we invite you to join us for a love and limbo 30 day roadmap starting soon. And if right now you feel like you need some support before you can decide if that's something true for you, we have some love and Limbo support sessions periodically from time to time. So what I would encourage you to do is check out our calendar and sign up for the next upcoming one. And if by chance you are needing support and you're ready to dive all in and learn and grow with us, you can check out our Better Love Club. And you can check out all of these offerings and get all the juicy details related to any of them by going to staceybartley.com and checking out the Work With Me page. There will be a lot of information there for you to digest. And if after looking at it, you still are not sure, well, this sexy handsome guy that sits next to me does these things called clarity calls and you can book one for 15 minutes and he can help you decide what the best fit and option is for you. Thank you again for being here with us today. It's always such a pleasure. We're dedicated again, like I've said, to having the conversations that matter most to you. I'd love to know, really honest and true what your thoughts were about this new way of looking at boundaries. Did it resonate with you? Did it bring up some things? Did it make sense to you? And what are the questions that are coming up for you as a result? We'd love to know. Hit that text button and we'll just get connecting with you soon.

Send us a text message. We really want to hear from you.

Yeah, the family. We're going to decide how often we'll every so often an episode will be to we'll just answer all the questions and things that have come in. So we've always wanted to do that. Hopefully this will be very user friendly. I mean Brooke just told me about this yesterday and I missed this because all the podcasts I listen to, I've not heard anybody refer to it. So it's awesome. New tech upgrade. So yeah, please send us what it is that you'd like us to answer and help you with and we'd be honored to do so.

All right, I guess that's a wrap. Not goodbye forever, just goodbye for now. We look forward to seeing you next time right here in the Love Shack. Bye Bye. All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community, Sam.