#179: Mastering the Art of Boundaries in Love: Deepen Connection & Reduce Conflict (Part 2)

Have you ever felt like the person you love is pushing you to the limits? Or maybe you're wondering if the emotional gap between you can ever be bridged again? If so, I want you to know you're not alone. Welcome to Love Shack Live, a sanctuary for those standing at the crossroads of their relationship, wrestling with conflicts and craving a connection that's both genuine and enduring. I'm your host, Stacey Bartley. With me is my co host and lover, Tom and our daughter Brooke. We have years of experience guiding couples through the rocky terrains of love, and we're here to accompany you on a journey towards rekindling the love and understanding that once brought you together. In today's episode, we're diving into a question. How can setting and adjusting boundaries improve our relationship and help us grow closer? Is there such a thing? Yes, absolutely. Boundaries aren't just lines drawn in the sand. They're the frameworks that support our personal and collective growth. Think of them as a garage door that opens and closes, adapting as our lives and our needs evolve as human beings, individually and collectively. So if you're ready to explore how relationships can become vehicles for personal transformation and discover practical strategies to discuss and reset these crucial boundaries, you just happen to be in the right place. Let's begin this exploration together and perhaps you'll find the keys to unlock a new chapter in your relationship.

Foreign.

Thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

I want to point out right here, right now that this episode is actually a part two series. Part one was episode number 78 and so this is episode number 179. And as we dive into part two, I always love to give a bit of a recap when we do a several part series. In part one, we dove into the concept and understanding that boundaries are part of relationships and they're very important to sustaining a healthy relationship. What are they? Many think that they're kind of like these hard lines in the sand, when actually those are what we would call deal breakers. Boundaries are much more malleable. Otherwise they're deal breakers. They're things that are non negotiable. Many of our boundaries, as we talked about in part one, are negotiable. Need to be negotiable and instead of being rigid lines, they need to be more of a flexible thing.

Would you say most of us think that all of our boundaries are the way that we hold a deal breaker?

I mean.

Yes, okay, very much so.

Boundaries that we're talking about from our perspective and framework are those daily navigation parts and pieces of our Relationship that we probably don't talk about, but that are actually playing out. And if we think of a boundary as just the realization and awareness of where I end and you begin, then what's mine? What's not mine? What do I need? Where do I end? What do you need? And there's several categories in our lives and in our relationships that need to be considered when thinking about boundaries. What I can give, what I'm willing to put in, what I have the capacity to contribute. These, again, are all parts of boundaries that we never think of, related to boundaries. And so I want to start our conversation with just reminding you of those things that the categories of life that need to be shared and exploring where I end and you begin are our personal needs, our money situation, the kids career, our sex and intimate life. These are often going unspoken. The unspoken boundaries and relationship dynamics that actually start to undermine our relationships and our needs and wants, even thinking that they can be navigated, let alone met. So every relationship will have categories where you and your partner will find yourselves on opposite sides of the conversation. And I want you to understand that's principled. And here's why. We fall in love with a special someone who has the ability to help us see and develop our strengths and our weaknesses. So we're gonna be mesmerized by somebody who has abilities and strengths and capacities in places where I don't. And that's happening going the other direction as well. And so I wanted to start part two with an example of Tom and I. These things hold the substance that individually and collectively, each person needs to evolve and grow to become more of the person that they have the capacity to be. And when you're privileged to sit in the spaces that the three of us get to sit, we see this play out with uncanny precision for us in our lives. We just think that it's, you know, my partner's problem or I'm the problem. We can either beat ourselves up and think terrible things about ourselves, or we can beat our partners up thinking they just need to be more like me or get with the program without realizing. What if we were to hold it as though everybody had a contribution in and to understand what that might be, to consider such a thing, and then navigate ourselves through the conversation of boundaries from there. So what do I mean by this? Well, if I were to make it personal, I would share with you that I grew up in a pretty flexible household. My father had passed away when I was very young, and I was the youngest of five children, and my mom went to work. 1970s, you didn't have babysitters like the older children were the babysitters. And you're going to be left alone for summers. And anytime there wasn't school, we were left to our own devices. And we became very, very good taking care of ourselves. And we also become very, very good at making a lot of fun happen. We had to entertain ourselves, and we were really good at coming up with some really creative strategies to do that. And along with a single mom trying to manage these five children who were very creative and rambunctious, we were often late to many things. Family dinners, neighbor get togethers. Heck, we were late for our own birthday parties, for gosh sakes. We even coined a phrase, Welch Standard Time. And so in this place, I grew up very flexible with time and the time constraints. I didn't have any associations with time, and being late or untimely was rude, unproductive, irresponsible. However, I fooled around and fell in love with my wonderful Tom, who. Who just happens to come from a pretty structured household. And he was actually raised with a lot of detail and a lot of structure. And so as we're getting to know each other and we're coming together in our relationship, this concept of time, among many other things, becomes a point of contention in us. I fell in love with Tom because he's detail oriented, very grounded, very, very mindful. There's some structure there that I found exceptionally mesmerizing. And I look back now and realize that those weren't things that I really inherently have within me. I'm capable of them. And because of Tom in my life, I've been able to garner many things, essentially give my life and my skill set an upgrade. Tom is pretty structured. And I'll let you talk to this babe, because I don't want to talk for you. You know where I'm going here.

Well, I suggested that Stacy use the GPS on her way home today because I wasn't with her in this part of town that she was in. Invariably just seemed to not kind of be able to navigate the compass. So I just said, you know, honey, if you want to get home, because we do have our podcast, you probably want to.

And then why did you get out of my relationship with you? Like, why did you fool around and fall in love with me is the point. Are you still trying to figure that out?

Oh, gosh. I mean, yeah, I'm having some fun, but no spontaneity, you know, fun. You know, you're definitely the fun coach. I come from A very serious lineage. Absolutely. If you want to get things done, you give us a call, we'll get her done.

You know, I want to just point to. It's. It's more of the mindset about it. Right. So we would have these conversations where he would say being late is rude and disrespectful and unkind and unthoughtful and unprofessional. And. And I would go, no, I've done it a thousand times. It's none of those things square. People still wanted to be around me, love me, hug me. I never felt I was ejected from a gathering because I was late ever to actually get the details right. Not think that we can just focus on Z, but we have to consider ABCD and all along the way to Z. And is there some growth and evolution within myself to pay attention to the details, beyond time, etc? Yes. There's a developmental piece inside of me that if I were to embrace it and accept the contribution that Tom brings to my life, that I would be able to expand, to become more of who I have the capacity to be. And is there a time where Tom needs to let the details go and let go of the stress and that it has to go a certain way and the precision and such and step into the possibilities of spontaneity and joy and faith and trust and enjoy the moment, knowing that is going to take care of the next, and let's just go have a little fun today and we'll figure the rest out later. Yes. And I'm proposing to you that those were the magical qualities. You correct me if I'm wrong, but I want your time in on here because I don't want people to feel like I'm just saying something that's not true, because it is true. And I see it in all the couples that I support in our community that there is something there and every couple that is mesmerizing, that attracts you to the person that you fall in love with, that is probably directly opposite of what your talents and skill sets are that become then a driving force to help us expand and grow into the people we have the capacity to be. And that goes both directions. And those things typically become the places where then we have a lot of inherent challenges as well. Like, those are the things I don't relate to. Those are the things that challenge me. Those are the things that are hard for me to look at and accept and admit I don't have a working acumen of. And they're also the things that if I were to embrace and allow the contribution to be made would be incredible. Life giving elements to the expansion of who I have the potential to be.

It reminds me of anytime we interact with people on group coaching calls or love and limbo sessions, or even just in our comment section. It's very cute. I always feel like people who come to us say, you know, I'm anxious and my partner happens to be avoidant. Like they're saying it like it's a rare thing. And I always want to say, well, it's actually the most common pairing. You're not reinventing the wheel here. Not to be mean, but just to let you know, that is the most common pairing in couples and there's a reason for it. Which is exactly what Mom 2 just explained. Because you both are attracted to the qualities in each other that you wish you had yourselves.

So.

So being together, even though it's a struggle, helps you learn to express yourself and regulate your emotions in ways that you couldn't before you knew them.

So an anxious is always attached to avoidant and an avoidant is attached to an anxious. That's very, very common. And, and those are just coping with emotions. That's what anxious and avoidant is. But we also have different perspectives, probably around raising the kids or cleaning the house. And these become the challenges that we must embrace and look at and have conversations about. And the lack of conversation usually becomes the problem. And we know that everything we've just shared is not necessarily earth shattering information. We know we need to talk through these things, but what prevents us from doing that is a little thing called fear and a little thing called defensiveness. Because we'll get defensive when the fear strikes or we'll go quiet and we'll shut down. Which is just another level of defensive.

This is not a set it and forget it part of our relationship. These boundaries, just like the garage door analogy we use all the time. Depending on what season you're in here and where we live in Northern California, there's different reasons why that garage door will be at different levels depending on how hot or cold it is. It's the same thing with our relationships. Let's just be honest. This is the most dynamic process we're going to step into. So it's. How could it be just static? I mean, when you think about that, that is crazy. How would we ever even aspire to that kind of a mindset and thinking? Oh, and so yes, it requires consistent looking at it, stepping in, having these conversations.

So how does this relate to the conversation of boundaries? We're constantly having conversations about boundaries. And if I were to share and not disclose that sometimes tomorrow, setting my alarm clock for me to make sure that I get up on time because he's detail oriented, or Tom saying, honey, you probably need to set the GPS so that you can get home. If you think that that doesn't sometimes challenge me, I just need you to know it does. Very much so. And I just have to let the thought go sometimes of, gosh, doesn't he think I can figure that out? And have I got defensive about this? Absolutely, I have. And then he'll say, well, you don't want me to help you? No, I didn't say that either. Because I know. I know I need help with the details. I know that details are not necessarily my thing. I have other strengths, but it's not the details. And so I'm sure when I say to Tom, you know what, babe? I think it's time for you to step away from work. We got to let this shit go. You've got to stop worrying about this. You are getting wound too tight about this. We're going to go for a bike ride. And he starts twitching like he himself wants to go, no, no, we're going to work more, we're going to do more. We're going to drill down on this. We're going. You're going to step away from this, and we're going to go have a glass of wine and we're going to go for a bike ride. And we're going to think about this from a different perspective. And I just want you to see that those things help each of us navigate through waters that if we were left to our own devices, we wouldn't be able to leverage from. And I guess my whole point in this is when it comes to boundaries, recognize that what caused you to fall in love with the person that you're with are probably things that you need to develop inside of yourself. Now, I know that's a huge Big Gulp moment, but it's so true. There are so many reasons that we fall in love. Beyond all the boxes that you've chucked, there are things that are going on from the wiser parts of ourselves that say, this one's gonna be a good one. This one's gonna showcase some things for you that you need to start working on for your own personal development and evolution. And we'll take on partners who cause us to have to use our voice more than we ever had before. We take on partners who will challenge us in places that we Couldn't even imagine we'll find ourselves in places where we know we need to develop these aspects of ourselves. So hard to let it in, to step into it. And yet if we were to do so, it would help us grow so much. And there's nothing like a relationship to help us do that because we'll do things for the relationship that we would never do on our own accord. And to me that's the greatest motivation and life giving element that relations bring into our lives. If you want to put your personal growth on steroids, get into a relationship and then if you want to keep it going, stay in it. That bad boy is going to have you challenged and growing in places you never imagined you would. And this is where boundaries become an important conversation. Because what we're constantly navigating and looking at is where I end and you begin. And the boundaries between us become the co creation, essentially the parameter or framework that we operate within. And we have such a difficult time talking about boundaries that unfortunately we don't and we never establish those parameters to even adjust later. We can't adjust a garage door that we won't even admit is there now I just feel like I have to have the damn thing open all the time and you can just do whatever you want. And somebody says, great, the garage door is open, I'm coming in. And. And it is through this fluctuation that we develop the S part or the co creation part without one overriding the other. So these are such important conversations that we just didn't know were so significant to the health and wellness of my relationship. If I have somebody who's constantly charging through my garage door and I don't ever take the liberty of closing it, well then who's responsible for that? And if I have my garage door closed all the time because I'm terrified of somebody coming in at all, well then who's responsible for that? And these are the conversations that we need to have and we need to develop a safe place where we can grow and expand by talking about how far can you open your garage door today? What do you need today? What do you think you can do? Okay, that becomes the parameter of our relationship.

I remember we had a roadmap member that was mystified by our talking about boundaries like this because they kept saying, well then the goal post is always moving. So then how can I know how I can act with my partner if the goal post is constantly moving in the relationship? And I, I bet some of our listeners may be thinking that I love.

That that is an ideology that comes from the set it and forget it kind of shrine that we are supposed to put our relationships in. We're told, and the story goes, you know, I meet you, we fall in love, and then that stays. We don't talk about what happens there. We're gonna have a child, we're gonna buy a house, probably get a dog, have the white picket fence out, and then we're gonna grow old and see our kids raised, and they're going to send off to college, and then we're going to have this wonderful time together, and then we're going to die. And that's the conversation, that's the story. And there might be some elements of. And as long as you maintain these certain sets of structures, then you're going to be fine. And that's the narrative also. We come from a narrative of, if I sacrifice myself and make you happy and you do the same for me, then we're going to be successful in this. And so there's a lot of sacrificing that happens. And so the mindset that we enter relationships, typically not your fault, is I got to figure this out so it can become a sedative and forget it. I've got this handled, and I can check the box and go, okay, let's move on with life. What else have we got? I've got the relationship, I'm married, I've got the kids, I've got the house, and I have a handsome husband and a beautiful wife. And off we go. And there's so much more to life than those things. We just don't realize that what we have been given is something that doesn't work. We've been given an illusion that does not exist. If I don't understand and begin to learn where I end and you begin, I will pick up things that are not my emotional responsibility. I will feel responsible for things that are not within my wheelhouse to change. We are not going to be having the conversations that we need to have about who can put in what and who needs what as those change, especially. And when we think about it, I think we can all agree that we are not the person we were at 10. We are not the person that we were in our 20s. We are in our 30s, 40. And as Tom and I are sitting at six decades now, it's like, I can assure you, not even a year or five ago, I am the same person I am today.

I think, to be fair, I do think part of that fairy tale that's very attractive, we find Our special someone, then it's going to allow us to not have to do all of what you just described. I mean, so I get that and there we go. But is that any different to any other place of accomplishment in our life? I mean, we still, you know, go down to our CrossFit because. And you know what? It still just kind of whips me every I go, you know, I mean, meaning so. Or any other discipline, brushing our teeth every day.

Like.

Yeah, you know, it's the same thing.

Yeah. Just because I have lots of money doesn't mean I don't need to manage it.

Right. So I mean, but.

Or make more.

Yeah. For some reason, this romantic relational journey has its own apparently category. So we seem to be the bearer of bad news. You know, Brooke, Stacy and I, that when we share these things, I mean, but, I mean, but I could see like, well, wait a minute. Damn. I thought like once we find this person. No, we don't have to do all of that stuff that got us to this point. I would say no, actually if you continue to invest into it, it's going to keep it to what you had when you started again. What is, is I think Tony Robbins, you know, if we did what we did in the beginning, there would be no end.

Right.

So think about how much effort we put into those first whatever the dates and the meals and the special places. I mean, think about how excited and how much intention, how much effort you put into looking your best. I mean, well, how about if you just continued that?

I don't know, Tom. That's a lot of work. I know. And it is a lot of work. Relationships are no different.

Yes.

If we want to reap the rewards that they bring us, then we have to be able to pour and invest into them. And that will never change. That will never stop. And the reason why is because I am going to change, my partner is going to change and the co creation between us is going to change and evolve. And so if we want to evolve with it, then we need to be more mindful, which requires constantly just checking in with myself about my boundary. This is why boundaries are so important. I'm constantly looking about what are the conversation we need to have today? What are the things I need to not only understand about me, but understand about you. Because this is a co creation and I want you to see that's why the impact of unspoken boundaries really create challenges in our lives, especially as they progress over time.

A lot of couples have very intense boundaries when their baby is firstborn. Something like I'LL take nights, you take days. We switch off who sleeps in on the weekends. It would be silly for those very strict, structured boundaries to continue on when the child was in high school.

Good point.

Because that those things don't need to be in place anymore. Why do we think that our boundaries, our relationships, grow up just like our kids do? Not in the same way, but they grow. Because everything in life is changing. Nothing stays the same. But for some reason, we believe that it's bad if our relationships change. Like if our partners change or tell us that something doesn't work for them anymore. We believe it's bad, but it's just us growing and changing and being human.

I always think of your story about when Jack said he wanted different lettuce and mechanic. And this is kind of answering the question that you answered several minutes ago about, okay, well, wait a minute. If the goal post is always changing, how am I ever going to get this right? Yeah, well, because you're going to constantly have conversations about it. And it's okay if the goal post changes. In fact, you want it to. Because if it's not changing, then the person that you're in love with is atrophying. Yep. And so are you. Was it entropy thing that we're constantly pushing against?

That's a scientific principle with us.

Exactly. If we're not constantly pushing against it to grow and expand out the other side. And I think that would be a great story for you to share, if you're willing, Brookie, just to remind us of the simplicity. If this boils down to, like, lettuce.

Okay.

Holy cow.

Where else might this be showing up?

So I like to make my fiance Jack, I like to make his lunch because I work from home, so it's a contribution I make for him and our relationship. So he was on a salad kick for a while, and I was giving him romaine lettuce. And because one time, I remember very specifically, he said, I don't like red leaf lettuce. And so I said, okay, I'm putting that in my knowledge bank of Jack. He doesn't like red leaf lettuce. Then one day he came to me and he said, hey, babe, I think I would like my salads to be made out of red leaf lettuce. And I was like, no, you don't like red leaf lettuce. Why would you ask me that? You hate red leaf lettuce. You think red leaf lettuce is gross. You told me that one time. And he was like, okay, well, maybe I said that. Once, but I don't feel that way right now. And I would really like if you could just please use red leaf lettuce for my salads. And I was like, no, I know this. You told me this, that you don't like red leaf lettuce.

Are you.

What do you mean? And he was like, I am confused about why you're getting mad about me asking to change the lettuce in my salad that I eat for lunch. And I said, because I know you, and I know what you told me. You said you don't like it. And he said, well, okay, but let's just forget about that. Maybe I don't, but let me try it, and if I don't like it, then I'll change it back to Romaine. And we had a huge fight about it. And eventually I realized how silly I was being. But I was so firm in my conviction that I knew him and I knew what kind of lettuce he liked, and it was because of love. I know what you like and your preferences, and I'm proud of that. So you changing this is making me feel like I've gotten it wrong all the time. And he is like, no, that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm simply just asking for a little lettuce change. I'm tired of Romaine. I want to taste something different. But it's a silly example. But we like to tell that story because it's such a good example of how we feel when our partners change their boundaries. It's like a personal affront to us, and it has nothing to do with that.

Yeah, well. And that's the problem with a goal post. Yep. You just. In a very simplistic way, but a very real way. That's the problem with a goal post. If you think you've got to get it all figured out so that you can knock it out of the park. Well, that's very wonderful, and it comes from a very sweetheart place. But what if that was an ongoing, fluid conversation where as you changed, you had the flexibility and so did your partner to grow and evolve and try new and different things? That it didn't have to be a goalpost, actually, that it could be an evolving, ever changing adventure and exploration of ourselves and my partner and what we could become and.

Well, depending on how long you've been listening. And I always like to say thank you so much for listening. What you realize is perhaps we are applying the wrong metrics to what we are quantifying as successfulness and being successful in our relationships. And so I think to be quite frank and fair, we are. We have been. We're using very dated concepts and constructs and, and measurement if that's what you want to say to how we're thinking our relationships are successful. It's just because of what we have found. When people come in to work with us, they've been hanging out in this set it and forget it. And it's gotten them into a lot of frustration and difficult, difficulty and challenge and upset.

And I'm thinking of another client of ours where they're so certain that they've done a lot of work and they've got this all figured out that they talk for their partner all the time. They won't let their partner have a voice whatsoever to even voice their opinions and perspectives. And I'm going to tell you right now, that's a violation of boundaries. There's no way you know somebody better than they know themselves. Regardless of what you think you know and what work you've done.

Well, and that's what I was claiming to Jack when I was saying I knew what lettuce he wanted. I wasn't giving him an opportunity to say no, I don't think you know me better than me and I want to change it. I just want everyone to take in what Mamtu just said. It's so important that we allow our partners to let us know what works and what doesn't for them and to not be offended or defensive when they say something. It's simply a personal journey going on in them that there's something they want to explore or talk about or change or maybe it's hurt them for a long time and they're finally getting up the courage to say it because the emotional safety in your relationship is being restored. But if we don't allow our partners to come to us and say, say the things that matter, then we're cutting off that ability to connect about those things for the future.

Well, then it is you. That's when we're behaving like Brooke just described, then it is on you because we're taking our voice, the voice of our special someone away. So that's when that is on you. Otherwise it's not. So like Brooke said, if we can just allow them and build the skills, the permission and the emotional safety, it's where we start with everyone. Doesn't matter where you come. And however we have to have those things in place for us to be able to talk about boundaries and every other thing, then now it's yeah, it's up to each of us. But if we take that away, then we are crossing over a very, very important line here that we don't want to do.

That's the point. So this could play out in a myriad of ways. I could be afraid to get all in, so I won't allow you in. I won't share or say what it is I need to say or I try and please you and so I go along with whatever it is you want thinking everything's going to be okay. I fall apart, I'm going to derail myself because there's no voice for me or no foundation for me. I can also be in a place where I'm trying to fix somebody, somebody's trauma, somebody's and vice versa. That person can be relying upon me to be the cheerleader, the spearheader, the fix it person. And all of these combinations exist and we don't talk about them. And these are the boundaries that govern and rudder our relationship. And they can be whatever the people involved in the relationship with co creation need. But if we're not having the conversations about them, then we're all basing our day to day experiences on assumptions and expectations. The expectations of myself and, and the expectations of my partners on the assumptions of what the heck we're doing. But nobody's talking about it, unfortunately.

I just have a question. Do you think that some relationships end because there's no emotional safety to voice that a boundary needs to be changed? You know, there are probably so many people who don't know how to speak up or there's just not the safety in their relationship to do so. And so the relationship ends with. Because they're tired of the boundary being crossed over and over again.

I really wander home what you just said because I think sometimes we rationalize in our own minds the crossing of these boundaries and not exploring them the cost and the impact that it has on our relationships. This is the reason that relationships fall apart. It's not because I don't love you or there aren't great potential and possibilities within the relationship is because I run out of emotional capacity and gas from either overdoing and overextending and pushing and controlling and I get exhausted about that because I'm always running the show trying to save things, trying to keep the whole thing afloat or I'm voiceless and I keep pleasing and I don't have a place and an identity and self esteem. And I want you to know that both of these lead to personal breakdown essentially A rejection of self and it will cost us everything. That's what we call in my world, codependency, where both of us are breaking down at an alarming rate because we don't have any awareness of where I end and you begin. I'm trying to please you, you're trying to please me and none of it's working. And so now we're engaged in what I call the race to the bottom. And that's why relationships end and we don't know how to get ourselves out of that tailspin. That's very, very real and very, very common. So knowing where I end and you begin is so important. Boundaries are so important. It gives me the place where I get to have a voice and you get to have a voice and we get to talk about what that is between us and what we can do and what we can co create between us and we can leverage off of each other's skill sets and abilities. And is it going to challenge me? Of course it will. That's how I get better. That's how I embrace things. That's also how I grow. And if we're in a process like that, then we're growing and evolving over time, which the only guarantee we have is that things are going to change over time. If I want to do a set it and forget it and hit that goal post was going to create a lot of problems because number one, that's not how it rolls. Number two, when things change, you're going to feel like all of this was for naught and that there's something wrong with you and something wrong with your partner without realizing. No, that's actually very normal. We do grow and change over time. Everyone does. We have to make room for that. Getting in, in committed relationships is one of the easiest things we do as human beings. We want them, we love them, we want to co create with somebody. Navigating the challenges that are inevitably coming. The changes and challenges within myself, primarily the changes and challenges within my person. And how do we navigate all of that as a couple? And we try and do it without becoming aware of boundaries, which again, where I end and you begin, what you need, what I need. Let's not over complicate it. It's not build a wall so you can never come in. It's like, no, we'll never revit the conversation again. It's a s it and forget it. If it's that, well, then we don't have the ability and safety to have the conversations that need to be happening to help us evolve and find the solutions to the challenges that inevitably we're facing. And so those solutions will continue to elude us.

The way that you just presented boundaries is exactly how boundaries are formed in many relationships because people simply don't know what they are. And that is, like you said, it just cuts off any potential for deepening the conversation around these very important topics.

And yeah, and perhaps people don't even realize you can reexamine them and modify them and change them.

Exactly.

Like that's like really? Can I really do that? Yeah, you can.

Please do.

I know, I mean, but how many times do we hear, can I do that?

Yes.

Yeah, you can.

Ignoring unspoken boundaries over time can lead to partners requesting space or consider separation. Because we simply run out of emotional gas through the self rejection process and the unknowing or unclear places within myself. It's impossible for me to understand and know where I end and you begin. And in that we're going to both engage in a process of personal breakdown. There are also emotional and psychological effects of ongoing boundary violations such as depression and anxiety, voicelessness, a sense of self, a lack of self esteem, confidence, et cetera. Now very often we can become not only struggling with all of those things, but also very reactive. I can go the other direction and I am so fed up and so frustrated that I become highly reactive to anything that you say. Like this is where couples can like breathe funny or have an eyebrow go sideways and we've just had a full on conversation because somebody's reactive. And these are the signs that boundaries are not being talked about and violated and crossed. And that there is a lack of an awareness in regards to where I end and you begin. So identifying these and articulating these are very important because we can't create a parameter that we can move from on the map of life if we don't even know where we are. And I have to find that place for myself first. And then as I get to know what it is I have in the awareness of me in my place and space, then I can decide how I want to invite you in or include you in my place and space. And then you need to be able to do that for yourself as well. And now we have something that we can work with together. And so that's why relationships will always start with the exploration of one's self instead of traditionally going to a place where what the hell's wrong with him? You know, what do I need to do to get him to comply to what it is? I just know I'm Right about. I want to encourage you to do just the opposite. What do I need? Where am I at? What's working? What's not working? Let me define where I am in this challenge before I even include him in it, because maybe it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with where I'm at and what's happening inside of myself. Once I feel like I have a good working acumen of that, then I'll bring it to Tom and we'll have a conversation about where he is. Around that same conversation, and based on where he is, then what opens up is where we can go together. I hope that makes sense. Drives home the importance of why it is we need to look at boundaries from a Probably a completely different lens than you ever had before. It's important that we do so. As we wrap up this episode, I want to answer, how do we communicate or even begin to open up the conversations around boundaries and strategies for stepping into these conversations? And the first thing I want to encourage you to do is explore yourself first. Just like I said, like, where are you and where are you aware of what you need, what you want, what works, what doesn't? Where are you coming from mentally, emotionally, physically, within yourself? Get a good working pulse of that first before we start to try and, like, pair it with somebody else. Because then when we do step into the conversations, it's a conversation of, this is what I'm noticing is happening for me. What comes up for you around that topic? I'm laying down what I know to be true about myself, and I also am asking my partner to share where they are around it, too. That begins to help me understand where the us component can be and maybe not be. Maybe there are things that my partner is not ready to step into, and then I need to make space and room for that. We need to have a conversation about how we're going to manage or navigate that. Not just say, you know, Tom, pull it together, for God's sakes. You need to make this happen. And Tom and I are constantly having conversations, everything from the big to the little. I'm thinking about dinner last night. Right. I'm home early. I'll clean up the dishes. Okay. I'll do the cooking. I have that in the wheelhouse. Some days I do the cooking, and he cleans up the dishes. Who's going to take our grandchild that's living with us to school? Who's got the time? Who's got the space? Who's got the bandwidth? Those conversations are ongoing, constantly. There Isn't a day that we don't check in about those things. And they're always changing. There's no hard line about, well, you always do this and I always do that. It's a constant conversation. And then there's even days where I say, you know what, I gotta clock off early, I need some time to myself, or hey, I need more of you and I time. Where are you at with that? I'm really missing you. Those conversations are ever evolving and ongoing, which is what I want to encourage you, our listeners, to embark on. And if you're not there, then that just tells me you need safety and you need something skills in order to make that happen.

So where, where would they get those? In our body of work.

In our body of work. First thing I would encourage you to do is step into the roadmap. The roadmap is an ongoing process where we walk you for 30 days through the process of that identification. Maybe for the first time in your whole life, maybe you have never been given the space and permission to identify where am I? Because it was always dependent on what somebody else was thinking or doing or feeling. And so it's a gift when we can just go, okay, devoid of all of that, where am I? Help me find my own place and self on the map of life. That's a beautiful life giving experience to have happen. And then from there, knowing where we want to go and what we need becomes so much easier. Very often we'll say, well, gosh, what do you need? What do you want? And people will say, I have no idea. That has never been a question that I've even been allowed to ask, let alone have an answer to. And that might be your place too. Now the flip side of that can be true. You were expected to know all the answers and know the way always. There was never a place where you couldn't not know. And so if you found your place in a place you didn't.

No.

Well, then you would just pull a rabbit out of your butt. You know, like I'm gonna make something up and hope that it goes well, which is also a very stressful place. And that maybe I need to let some of that go and recognize and realize it's not normal for me to have to have all the answers of life and it's okay for me and normal to not know certain things and that I don't have to hold myself in that place of perfection or accountability at all. And that maybe that would be very life giving. Right. So we talk about that a lot in the roadmap. The Better Love Club would be another place where we spend a lot of time mentoring individuals and couples in regards to navigating and finding their place on the map. But also garnering the skills and relationship around boundaries, around agreements, commitments, conversation, communication. A whole host of topics that are ongoing and ever changing month, month by month. Because these conversations are important to the foundations of our lives and it's important that we develop these skills and you're going to recognize and realize that just like other places in our lives, relationships are a skill based journey. An understanding of myself and others. Those are important things to garner. Especially when we start talking about boundaries and the ability and the skills that are necessary to navigate through them. Understanding our boundaries is what provides us with our personal confidence and self esteem and it also contributes to our ability to co create with others. Some tips for success that I have for you is number one, be honest and truthful with yourself. Start the journey there and be as honest and as truthful with yourself as you possibly can be. You don't have to do that with others. Just begin the journey there for yourself. Do your best also to drop the judgment. Remember that your boundaries are personal and unique to you. There's no right or wrong way to feel about them. Just the exploration is going to be life giving to you and will ultimately contribute to the relationship that you're stepping into, co creating or trying to save. You've got to know where you are first and then understand that practice. The boundary setting part is a skill that improves with practice and we use real life situations to test and refine our boundaries. And you must too, like real life situations that are ongoing day to day are important. We must develop the ability to openly communicate about ourselves and allow others to do the same will impact our ability to solve the challenges that we need to solve and to find the places and spaces where our needs and our desires and relationships can actually be met. Without doing that we can't have what it is we say we want. It will elude us. Address and respect boundaries as a great step towards preventing conflicts that lead to enhanced mutual understanding of both self and others. That's the point. It's not about forcing our way through or pleasing our way through. It's about really identifying. Here's what I can bring. What can you bring? Let's do this together. Okay, got it. Let's try that. That we grow and evolve not only personally but collectively. That's a big conversation. It really is. I wish I had some big profound poet like something right Now I could really motivate you so that you could go, yeah, I really need this boundary thing. I do have something that I'm excited about to share with you though, and that's Engage with us. You can now connect with us directly through your podcast app. Just use the Send us a text message link in the episode description of the podcast app to share your thoughts and questions. This is important because we want to hear from you, like what's coming up for you around this conversation. Specifically, where do you feel challenged? Where do you find that you're knocking it out of the park, and where do you find that you get stuck? And these are things that we would love to hear from you because we are committed to having the conversations around the places and spaces. Not only do we want to celebrate, but the places where we get stuck so that we can help you navigate through them. So make sure that you do that. Let's step into a Follow the Fun, which I've come up with a really great boundary exercise for each you to start exploring what we've been talking about these past two episodes. And today I'm going to invite you to explore two boundaries within you. The first one is mental and I want you to think about your own thoughts and opinions. Think about the thoughts that you have and how you feel when somebody challenges them. About your opinions, your points of view. Are you comfortable with sharing your ideas open? Do you overshadow others points of view, perspective and opinion? Can you listen to an alternative perspective even though it's counter to your own? These are the places where we're starting to dance with boundaries. Do I show up? Do I go quiet? Do I override? Am I even brave enough to share it? Those are the places that I want to ask you to reflect on. What are you comfortable sharing with others and what do you prefer to keep private to yourself? And where do you have a tendency to override or shut down others because their opinions and points of view are not in line with your own? This exercise will help you become more aware of your personal limits and will empower you to begin to communicate and enforce boundaries effectively with yourself and honor the boundaries of others. Each week we have a song, and today's song is a song by Latoya London and Anthony Hamilton called On Everything. This song talks about how it's you and me against the world and we're constantly trying to navigate the stressors of the world. And some of the lyrics are incredible because it says, I know you're tired, I know you're trying to survive. I know there's a ton of stressors on the outside. I know you hold a lot in and I just want to listen. It's a safe place for you to put them on me. Everything you're feeling, it's you and me against the world. Which is so true. When you create a sacred space between you as a couple, that is the place where you want to say, this is my stress. This is what's not working. This is where I'm struggling. Can I leave it with you? And yes, it's you and me against the world. And by the way, the music video is incredible. Very inspiring. You can listen to this week's song along with the entire Relationship Playlist by going to our website podcast page or search it up on Spotify Love Shack Live Playlist. And if today's conversation has resonated with you and you're seeking more tools and support to navigate your understanding of boundaries or experiencing the challenges of space and separation, we invite you to join us for the Love and Limbo Roadmap. If you are needing something right now, we have a Love and Limbo support session that you can check out the details for. If you're really willing to roll up your sleeves and jump in, you can check out the Better Love Club where we come together weekly and have conversations to support you throughout the week. And you can get all the details for everything I've just mentioned here by going to stacybartley.com and click the Work With Me tab to get all the juicy details.

If you're listening live, this is the last facilitation of the Roadmap until the fall. So if this speaks to you, we'd love to have you join us. It's going to be awesome. Each one has its own flavor and unique components about it. People that are in it is who's supposed to be there. So yeah, please consider joining us because we'll be back in the fall.

Thank you so much for spending time with us. It's been a joy and a pleasure to be here with you. Don't forget to engage with us. We'd love to hear from you. That's it for now. Bye bye.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relief. Relationship Wisdom for more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

That.