#181: Why Can't We Connect? Unraveling the Mystery Behind Emotional Distance in Your Relationship

Have you ever felt deeply misunderstood by the person you love the most? It's as if you're both having a completely different experience. Struggling to connect and feeling the distance grow day by day. The once easy conversations have turned into confusing dialogues, leaving you feeling misunderstood, isolated and frustrated. If you're experiencing daily conflicts and a widening emotional gap, I want you to know right now, you're not alone. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for those at a relationship crossroads striving to rebuild a bond that's genuine and lasting. I'm Stacy Bartley, here to guide you through these sometimes turbulent waters. And alongside of me are my co host and lover, Tom, and our daughter Brooke. Together we'll navigate the complexities of love, especially when it feels like you're on different planets. Today, we're diving into the very first concept I teach all of my private clients, the Movie Framework. It will provide you with clear answers to common but perplexing questions, such as, why does it feel like my partner just doesn't understand me? Why can't they relate to what it is I'm saying? Why do they discount what I'm feeling and needing, even when I have sincerely asked in today's episode, prepare to unpack and answer these questions and more. We're going to explore the challenges and insights this framework offers and reveal practical steps to reignite your connection. So if you're curious about how to bridge the gap and truly understand your partner's world, then stay tuned. We're going to embark on this journey together and discover the magic of the Movie Framework as it relates to relationships.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

So let's begin this conversation by proposing an idea to you. What if I told you that each of us has an internal movie that is playing 24 7? And not only that, this movie shapes our perceptions and our reactions. These personal movies influence our relationships, and if we seek to understand them, they can bring you closer to your partner and the common things that tend to play out in our movie narratives and and challenges that present because of this framework are things like misunderstandings, defensiveness, cycles of fighting about the same things over and over again, invalidation and rejection of self. Our behaviors as a human being always make sense when we understand the movie that's attached to them. What often is a challenge for us is understanding the movie and then the behavior doesn't make any sense whatsoever. So I want to introduce you to this Movie Framework. It's the framework that I use each and every time I meet a private client for the Very first time. It's also the very first step in our roadmaps and also the very first video in our Better Love Club. Why? Because it is so crucial to understand, and it makes so much sense to understand the common things that I've already mentioned here. So the reality is, in the movie framework, that each person has their own internal narrative playing constantly. I want you to also understand that the narrative in our movie comes from our life experiences that take place day in, day out. We can't get away from it. Also, I want you to see that there's nothing said and forget it about a human experience. And as we have conversations about relationships in life, we refer to it as though we're trying to get back to the best days of our life. And we somehow think that in our narratives and our perspectives that that's possible without realizing, no, it's not. This is a train, a perspective and experience that is constantly playing out forward. The narrative comes again from our life experiences, and it takes place from the choices and experiences that we have as a person. These internal movies shape our understanding of ourselves and our relationships as we continuously examine and choose for ourselves what works and what doesn't work for us. And I want you to understand that your partner is doing the same thing. We even dream in an effort to sort through the experiences that we're having during our waking lives. I'm constantly working out what works and what doesn't work for me in my own internal experience. Each and every one of us will come to an array of conclusions from these experiences, and there will always be differences in our movies, even when we have a similar life experience. And this can be perplexing to us in our narratives. You and I, for example, Tom, Brooke and I are having this conversation right now. And I guarantee you that each and every one of us, from just what I've said already, are pulling different parts and pieces and perspectives from the words that I've said already. So based on their own personal experience.

So basically, Brooke and I are going to jump in. So, again, to use other words of how you're describing it, we can all be more or less. Well, in this case, Brooke and. And Stacy and I are more or less having the same external stimuli as we are recording this podcast. And yet, if I hear you correctly, we're all having a very, very different internal movie experience from that external stimuli.

Yeah. So why don't we just take it a step further and why don't each of us share our perspectives and our movies that have been playing out in the Last three or five minutes.

Oh, that's a great thinking experiment.

Yeah, go ahead. What were you thinking about?

I was thinking about the wonderful live that we had on Instagram right before we started recording the podcast and how just uplifting it was. Because really, to be fair, all three of us really were not that excited to have it and to do it. And we all decided to. We had some wonderful engagement and some wonderful reminders that what we do does matter. Hey, folks, we're just human like everybody else. We sometimes wonder if what we're doing does make a difference. And so it is nice. Not that we're always looking to be acknowledged, but we all want to be appreciated, acknowledged, and reminded that we matter. And so this is a very part. That's what I was thinking about. Just my tremendous sense of gratitude, you know, and sometimes I was a little wobbly kneed as I came to the table here today.

Brooke, what about you?

I was thinking about the potential conversation that we're about to have. I was wondering if people who are going to be listening to this episode are still confused about what the movie framework is. You know, not because you're explaining it in a bad way, you're explaining it wonderfully. But I'm excited to get to the part where they're like, oh, my God, this makes so much sense and explains why, you know, this, this, and this is happening in my relationship.

How about you?

Yeah, I was thinking, I hope this makes sense. I hope people can relate to this.

I just want to say this thing that we're explaining to you today is going to be the answer to the times in your relationship where you are like, oh, my God, I am explaining this so clearly and so succinctly. And why is my partner still not understanding me? This is the answer. So I want you to get excited. I'm sure you already are because you're listening to it. Thank you, by the way. But this is the answer to that question, which I don't really think we've ever had an answer to that question before, because we all just, you know, get frustrated and throw our arms in the air and walk away and we're like, God, you're stupid if you don't understand what I'm saying. But they aren't stupid. Spoiler alert. Neither are you. It's just that you have different movies playing. But I'm excited that we're talking about this because I know that experience is so frustrating in relationships.

Well, I just want to use a demonstration of what just played out here as an example. Of our narratives and our movies, because we are all in the podcast, recording the podcast, know the topic, the subject matter, et cetera. And yet I want you to realize and see that each one of us was having an entirely different experience inside our own internal dialogues. And I want to reassure you that even when we do live workshops and we have 50 or to a hundred people in the room and we're having a conversation and I'm talking to the same people about the same material, I have yet to have a similar reaction to a little exercise that we do where I hold up a simple object. It could be an apple, it could be an umbrella, it could be a zebra, it could be anything, but it's a little flashcard that I use and say, okay, tell me what comes up for you when you look at this object, this very simple single thing. And again, we're all in the same room. We're all having the same conversation. I'm the only one presenting, and I have yet to have an identical share about that single apple.

Isn't that something? Yeah.

And yet, then just take that thought a little further. Think about the complexity sometimes of the emotions and thoughts that, as an individual, I'm trying to convey that often gets misunderstood and misrepresented. We can't even agree on a simple apple, let alone the complexities of my thoughts and my feelings that, by the way, come from other experiences that I've had as an accumulation of where I go when this word is used or this phrase is used, or this behavior plays out or this body language happens.

I know you're still in just the intro of this podcast, but I have a really great example of what you just said. I read this very compelling Instagram post today about Ozempic or other similar drugs. Manjaro. Any of those by a woman? Her name's Design Mom. On Instagram, she posts very intellectual takes on certain topics. And her take about Ozempic, she said, you know, read this to the end. It was several slides. She said, you wouldn't have guessed what I'm going to say about it until you read the whole thing. And basically it was that she's a thin woman, so she doesn't have the food, noise, and stuff that overweight people have. So she doesn't really think about these drugs in the way that other people think about them. And she had a conversation with a lady who was using her for her design services, and they ended up talking about Zempic. And the woman said, you know, I've just been accepting my body. You would Never guess that I weigh 250lbs cuz I carry my weight. Well, anyway, she went into her doctor and her doctor said, would you like to take the drug? You know, she explained the drug to the woman who was going to take it and she said, okay, you've explained it. Well, I'd like to give it a try. So anyways, the lady said to Design mom, my life has changed since I started taking Ozempic. All the mental labor of thinking about what I'm gonna eat if it's too many calories, all that do I take up too much space in the world. All the food noise just all of that went away. And she said it changed her life. And so Design mom took it a step further and said, okay, you know, I'm imagining a world where everyone gets to have that experience if they want to, if they'd want to take the drug. I'm not saying everyone is forced to or some sort of like dystopian where everyone has to be skinny and is forced to get injections. It's not what I'm trying to say here, but just how wonderful and what could be accomplished if all that noise was taken out of the people that didn't want to have it anymore. What else could we focus on? Like what scientific advancements are we not having? Because we're all so obsessed with stuff we don't need to be thinking about. And my reason for sharing this is the range of comments was unbelievable to look at. Some people were like, how dare you? This is such a terrible take. You're naturally thin, so you don't even know what overweight people deal with on a daily basis. You have no right to speak about it. Other people are like, oh my God, this is such a refreshing take. Other people are like, wow, lady, you totally missed the mark here. You should delete this. It's terrible. The food noises only exist because we're so fat phobic as a society. She also talked about how it would be so interesting to see if maybe the addictive snack foods would be taken out grab the grocery stores because we wouldn't be addicted to them anymore, you know, so their marketing ploy would be over. And they're like, how could you even say that that disrespectful to the people in poverty who survive on that food because they can't afford. Everyone was making great points. And I'm not saying I'm on anybody's side here. I'm just simply pointing out that everybody read the same exact post and the range of Emotions and outrage and support and wonder and like, oh my God, you nailed it. Oh my God. How could you say this? Just blew my mind to see. And I think, wow, we experience that every single day.

Yes, we absolutely do. And we're going to continue to experience that every single day. The illusion and the fallacy is that we're going to find a place and a space in our world and in our personal experience and in our lives and in our relationships. If we make it to a place where it's more micro, like in my own life, where we're all on the same page and we all think about things the same and we all experience the same emotions and situations and conversations, the same is an illusion that is not even possible. And so when we break it all down, of course there's an array of perspectives and experiences and you know what that contributes to the experiences and places that I live within myself, the experiences I come from and the way that I process information up to and including the things that I'm trying to accomplish and become myself. Like, those all play a role in the perspective and the place that I go internally, which is your personal movie, it is your personal narrative. It is so unique and internal and it's continuously evolving and processing the day to day experiences and the hopes and dreams and disappointments that I have had and will continue to experience as a human being. It is completely influenced by my past, my present and my future hopes and dreams. It is part of who I am and how I express in the world and it is very unique. I think I've said that about three times now in the last 22 seconds. It is my experience of what I am experiencing right now based on how I funnel and interpret and process. And for me, even though we're all in the same room having the same experience with the same presenter, the same presentation, the same post on Instagram, we're going to flash in a myriad of different places and perspectives. I also want to say that is a good thing. The last thing that benefits us as a human being is for everyone to see the same experience, the same object, the same conversation from the same situation.

Why?

Why would I say. Because there is no expansion or exploration of growth in my own thinking and in my own perspective. If everybody thinks the way that I do, there is no benefit there, there is no challenge there, there is no opportunity for expansion. If everybody sees it the way I.

Do, there would be nothing to learn in the world, you know, And I.

Think people are saying, all right, Tom, Stacy, Brook, that's fine. But when I have my special someone and this is where it gets where the rubber meets.

I see.

Yeah.

You know, you've got to understand, but hopefully you're thinking, oh, my gosh, now, wonderful wonder we hear often, like, we seem to go round and round and round again. Yeah, that's why. Because we're not understanding this absolutely foundationally principle that you have got to get your arms around with great love and respect. When you do, it will, like Brooke said, it will change your life. It will.

They're not experiencing it the same way.

You are, and they never will.

And they're going different places, which is a great thing. And this is the concept where instead of competing about whose narrative is right and wrong, because the reality is, in our personal movies, we all feel like my movie is the holy grail of all truth. Like, I don't know how yours is so jacked up, but I'm going to tell you right now, mine's spot on.

Well, should we let everybody know? Like, the three of us? My movie is always correct.

Yeah. Right, right.

Well, it's just that it's that thing I said earlier, though, like, when you're in the heat of the moment and you're having, you know, that crucial fight with your partner and you're just so baffled that the thing that you're, you know, yelling over and over again is not landing in their brain and you're so confused about why they can't see what you see so clearly. This is why. Because it's not showing up for them in that way. They're seeing it in a different way. The words are not. They're not meaning the same. They're not, you know, they're all their past is coloring their future so it looks different than yours. And that's really hard to understand when you're in that moment and you're just so baffled. Like, I don't know how you're seeing it this way. The answer is, okay, you are seeing it this way and I'm seeing it this way, and we're not going to see it the same way. That's it.

And the opportunity is. And that expansion we just touched on is for us to share our understandings of where did you just go? That's my opportunity to see it from a different light. When Tom, Brooke and I were sharing where we were in our different perspectives and just even opening up this conversation, does that make sense to you now as we reveal that? And like, wow, okay, everybody really is coming at this from a different mental movie inside of themselves. Hence why it's so powerful to have the three of us present and share to you each and every week on our podcast. Because you're literally getting the value of three different perspectives and points of view around same conversation, all around, more or less.

We all know what we're going to be talking about, but it's. I. Hopefully it's very different.

Why would.

Just because of this. So.

Exactly.

I would think this was great news, number one. And I'm sure Stacy, I don't know what. Where she's taken us exactly, but my sense would be it's all great news. And don't worry, we're going to just get really good at. Well, gosh, invite me into your movie. I had no idea that you would be looking at it that way. Like, gosh, I've never thought of it that way.

Well, wonder.

I think it's sad. It's a little bit sad to think how many relationships have ended because they were having different movies. And instead of saying, share with me what's going on in your movie, they both thought because they didn't have the same movie playing, so to speak, that they weren't right for each other. You know, like, you need to find someone who's having your same movie.

Drop the mic. Drop the mic.

Because think about it like we think. Okay, well, if you're not seeing things in the way that I know is right, then maybe we're not right for each other.

Pick the wrong partner or I'm the wrong partner. I can't figure this out. I can't do this right. I'm broken. I can't go forward here. You're right. Just go ahead and move on without me. Without valuing your own perspective.

Let me just let you in a little secret, listeners, and thank you again for listening. Is like, Stacy and I sometimes, like, we are not even in the same freaking universe, just so you know.

Right.

Are not.

This woman's got, like, kids and grandkids, like, they never stop. And I only have Brooklyn. One other. Like, how about if we just started there? Like, you know, she likes to pile people in and put them on floors. No, no, no. We all need our own streets, man. Like, like, get back, Jack. Like, damn.

Well, and even business wise, like, the three of us sometimes have very deep conversations about something that we really disagree on. And it's just because we all have different ideas and beliefs about how it should be.

So, yeah, I mean, and I want you so. So now think about your cycle of fighting, all right? And where you're trying to make it up that somebody is right and somebody is wrong. And think about the evidence that you start to gather to support your narrative, your movie. And then think about how that causes you to show up. Because the movie I'm making up based on the evidence that I'm concluding will always affect how I show up in the relationship. I can't think that you're against me or selfish or an. And then engage with you in a loving, respectful, kind way. Doesn't work like that. I'm instead gathering all the evidence to support the fact that you're selfish, an inconsiderate and malicious.

So then do you find once people really get that clunk about this, fundamentally an incredibly important principle that will then allow them to view a lot of where they're really bumping against each other in a whole different regard and potentially allow them some transformation.

Well, think about it. Because if I'm going to show up like you're an, I'm going to treat you like you're an. And then how are you going to engage? Back with me.

Right back at you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so now we have a cause and effect going on here. And you know what's ironic about that is the way that I perceive your showing up and the way that you perceive I'm showing up in our movies is always going to confirm our conclusion, our movie, our narrative that I initially said, well, you're selfish. Well, you're lazy. Well, you're an. Well, okay, here we go. Let's play that out.

That's why you say when you understand what's going on in the movie, the behavior always makes sense.

The behavior always.

And let me. And let me just. So people hear you. Have you ever found that to not be true? And all the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people that you've worked with?

No. Or that's probably thousands, even in my own life.

I also just want to add a caveat. It means the behavior will make sense. It does not mean that you will agree with it or think it's the right way.

Yeah. And not to dismiss that. We're not saying it's not going to be painful and it isn't going to suck. Any of that. Please. We're never. People like, say you guys like to gloss over that. No, we don't like to gloss over it. We just try to give you things that make sense so you can have some progress.

You're just justifying their poor behavior. No, we're helping you understand their poor behavior.

Exactly. That's a very important distinction. Say that again, we're not justifying, justifying.

Understanding their poor behavior.

There's a very big difference there.

And not only the poor behavior in others, but the poor behavior in ourselves. If I'm holding you as though you're an asshole, well, then I probably have some poor behavior that's emanating and rolling out as well. According to my movie narrative. That's how it works for all of us. And if we understand the movie narrative, we can start to kind of like let down the blame and the shame and the finger pointing, both for myself and others, and we can think about something bigger and in my opinion, much more life giving.

I agree.

Where do I go in my movie? What am I making up as true in this moment? And what are you making up as true in this moment? And when we collide, that's a great opportunity to check in with that and you'll find some shocking news.

So will people that we work with actually use that similar phraseology?

Exactly. I encourage you to, because then it's not me or you, it's just what I'm making up.

Neutral.

Well, and I, I, I don't think we've talked about this yet, but we should. The things that I string together in my movie narrative may or may not be on point. They're things that I'm concluding based on the osmosis of what I see in your behavior. So I could be saying, oh, you seem really upset right now. And then I treat you like you're upset, but when I check in with you, you say, I'm fine. What, what's going on? This is a classic when people say, I can tell you're upset. Are you going to tell me about it right now? And they go, I'm fine. Really, I'm fine. And they go, oh, no, no, no, no, you're not fine. Because here's the thing. I see that look on your face and don't tell me like, I know that you're upset right now, so are you going to tell me about it or not? And they're like, well, I wasn't upset until this moment, but I am now because you want to accept what I'm telling you is true. And that is a classic of thinking that you know more about your partner's narrative. And what we fail to realize is you don't, you don't know more about your partner's narrative. And if I were to suggest to you, do you understand and know your own, or are you too focused on your partners to understand that the greatest gift that we can bring to a relationship is the understanding of my own movie and my own narrative. Because if I don't understand it, like, if I can't translate my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions into a language that first I can understand, well, then you've got to understand. You're dead in the water. You are not going to be able to get your needs met. You don't have a prayer chance in hell of ever being understood or validated. And you also are going to feel invalidated the majority of the time, let alone get your needs met, because you don't have the ability to communicate what that is. Or all you have the ability to do is react again and again and again to what is being said in the frustration as you endeavor to figure out your partner instead of yourself.

And you're going to keep believing that you're terrible at relationships or that your relationship is terrible when the truth is just what Mom2 just said, it's that you're not understanding yourself and you don't know what you want or what to ask for. So therefore, those things are not going to happen.

And instead of competing, then this gets us into a competition where I want you to make me feel better. And they're saying, well, I want you to make me feel better. And then we start into comparison, well, I do all this for you. And you're like, well, yeah, but I do all this for you. Well, I pay for this and I pay for that. And I just want you to see those conversations are a competition. And what we need to be talking about is, here's what I'm making up in my movie. What are you making up in your movie? And. And then you're going to go, really? Wow, I had no idea that's where you were going. I had no idea that that's how you're seeing me or viewing me or experiencing this. A very common moment that we are sharing in real time. Because where we're all going to go is going to be different. It's not so much about who's right and who's doing it right. It's more about what are we making up as true and how can I understand that? And in that pursuit of understanding, I'm going to be able to expand my understanding of myself because I got to come up with that for me. And I'm also going to be able to understand that about my person when I share myself and my movie and my narrative with my partner, and they get it and they see it and they understand it, it's very validating. I love that as a human being, but also is true when I can close my mouth long enough to not try and promote my own narrative or movie, that's the window of opportunity that I have to see and understand my partner in ways that I will never be able to come to on my own accord. It's my window to truly see into you as you share your movie and your perspective and where you're living from with me.

Because I think most people, when they share their movie, they don't know they're doing it because they don't know this framework. But if they're sharing how they feel and then their partner is like, oh, no, that's not how I feel at all. Instead of coming to more understanding between each other, they stop sharing because they're like, oh, we can't talk about this. You don't understand me when I say these things. But then that cuts off the relationship because the sharing is what creates the relationship.

Well, and you're kind of getting into some of the nuances of what happens when we don't understand the movie framework and the power of it. Because we start out really great. You know, we all know that the beginnings of a relationship is fantastic. What's happening there? If we just rewind the clock a little bit, we recognize and realize that when we're first coming together, it's all about me sharing a piece of me with you in my movie narrative and you doing the same. And what we can share is limitless. And I say, gosh, I love this fill in the blank, this food, this band, this poetry, this place that I've traveled to. And somebody goes, oh, my gosh, that's incredible. I've always wanted to go there, or I've been there. Didn't you love the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? We're like, oh, my gosh, like, I've never met another person who can relate to this, like, me. And we go, oh, this is going to be great. I'm so in love with you. Like, this is. And then we can barely, like, contain ourselves. We're up all night, like, texting and calling, and when am I going to see you again? And what we don't realize is happening is we're literally laying down threads of connection. And these threads of connection come from me sharing my narrative, my experience, my movie with you. And we can even share tough stuff like, oh, man, you know, I've really struggled with addiction. And you're like, oh, me too. You know, what was your thing? My s. My. Oh, really? I mean, oh, My God, like, this is incredible. Nobody's ever really related to me and that. So it can be even something challenging that we share and that we've experienced. Or I say, gosh, my last relationship didn't work so great because of. And you're like, oh, yeah, that sounds a lot like mine. These are places where we start laying down these. There was a relatability in these threads of connection. And so when there's enough threads of connection that we go, I love you, I'm into this. And we feel safe enough to jump in and co create love together or life together, we'll go, let's do this, let's move in, let's get married, let's go there. And we're like, are you in? I'm in. I want to point out here for just a moment that it's not so much a time thing, it's about a place of experience within two people. Where I say, you in? I'm in. I've got enough here. I feel comfortable. You feel comfortable? Okay, great, let's go. Some of us need a thread. Like, seriously? You're like, hey, wait a minute, the cash. You've known this person like six days and you guys are moving in. Like that seems crazy to me. But okay, well, that means on those six days, the relatability that they've shared between themselves is so much so that I feel comfortable jumping in. And you're going to jump in. Or there's the other side of the equation where some couples have spent like 10 years and you're like, yeah, I know. We kind of see each other here and there and we're going, well, are you going to do something with this? Like, are you going to jump in.

And get married or live together or no threads.

Well, it. There's threads there, but I'm still not safe to risk with you. I'm still having a challenge like getting all in and, and taking the plunge.

Like, there's not enough threads, they need more.

I got to add more. And so we can have mounds of threads and people going, I don't know, maybe there's one more that needs to be added. Or there could be nothing like a little string. And we're like, really? Yeah. Gosh, I don't know. Whenever. My point here is, is whenever there's enough threads of connection that are invisible, but let's be fair, so is oxygen. And it has a great impact and interplay in regards to our life on planet Earth. Connection is like that. And whenever there is enough threads of connection for the Two or more people involved, we will jump. We will take the next.

This is what you draw often on your iPad, isn't it? Very much so on your board at our physical office.

And here's where it gets interesting in long term relationships. For those of you who are going, okay, okay, okay, I get that. What happens next? Well, here's what happens next.

We get all in and you start erasing those threads.

We do for a simple reason of this, the doesn't work for me. Part of our experience continues to play out. There are things that are going to play out in every single relationship that do not work for us. You need to understand that's fundamental. There are things we love about our parents and we can't stand about our parents that frustrate the hell of us. That could be true for my friendships, for my co workers, for my neighbors, and even my pets. There are things I love about my pet and there are things that drive me straight up crazy about our pets. So why do we make it up in our narratives? That's not supposed to be true about my lover, my partner, because I'm going to tell you it is. And it's these things that don't work that traditionally in our narratives create our problems. So the first thing I probably do if I don't want to be an and rock the boat is sit on them. I'm not going to say anything. It'll work itself out. It's no big deal. I'm just going to overlook this. I, I don't need to address this right now. Surely they know and it's just going to be okay. It's going to be fine. And then a year or two or five play out and I'm still like having this experience of like, okay, now this little thing has turned into like a bigger thing. And I'm like, oh, this really drives me crazy when they do this, when I don't, I don't even get it. I don't understand where they go. It used to be easy to ignore it, but now it's like, oh, driving me crazy. I don't even know what to do with it, okay? And then I try and address it and I have no skill and I have no understanding and I do the very best job I can. And they get defensive or it creates a fight, or I get criticized or I get judged or it gets shut down and I go, okay, now my narrative says we should never go there again. Like danger. I say, okay, I won't talk about that. No problem. And then there's another one. And pretty soon, in the course of our now 8 or 10 year relationship, there's like, like 10 things I can't talk about or 10 things that when I bring them up, create a cycle of fighting that I don't know how to deal with.

Blocks in which we operate is pretty damn small.

And the important part here is me sharing a little part of me and my movie and what's playing out inside of me and what's playing out inside of you becomes eliminated. And so the connection between us that.

Was, you know, so strong and so.

Compelling and so what? I'm risk worthy. I'm, I'm starting to atrophy because I'm not laying down new threads of connection. I'm really not sharing myself with you anymore. In fact, the majority of what I think and feel is now going omitted and what I have begun to do because I do want to make good on the promises and commitments that I made in our relationship. So I'm going to start going through the motions. I'm going to start saying things like I'll take out the trash and do the cooking and take care of the kids and do the laundry and, you know, make the money and give you my paycheck. And our relationship quickly goes from that of emotional connection with those threads to that of logistics. Who's taking out the trash, who's cooking, who's going in the grocery store, who's driving the kids to dance lessons, you know, and we're checking boxes now instead of sharing ourselves with each other. And that emotional place that I used to share with you is now being spent and experienced elsewhere. And what that means is I'm bleeding out the back is what I call it. And now I'm getting lost in work or the children are volunteering. I could also get lost in all kinds of coping skills.

Eating and drinking, athletics, working out and other business.

Yeah. Oh, getting lost in work is a big one. Shopping is another big one. Anything that helps me feel a little bit better about myself, that gives me that validation that I used to get from you, this place of understanding that I used to be able to share with you. I can't do that here because I can't talk about this, this, this, this and this. And so I do it and get it and cope elsewhere. As we start bleeding out the back, what we're contributing to the relationship and sharing about ourselves and understanding about my partner continues to atrophy. And this is how we go from being the best of lovers and the best of friends when we begin our relationship. To being canyons apart and having no clue about where you're living and what you're thinking and what you're making up as true over time. This is how it happens. And the thing that gets sacrificed because we have a tendency when we don't understand something that's outside of us as a human being, what I tend to do is attack it or shut it down in an effort to write the narrative according to mine. So you might say something along the lines of, gosh, I'm really struggling with this. And hear your partner say, why are you worried about that? That's a big deal. Like, whatever. Well, that's them saying, that's not a big deal for me. Why is it a big deal for you? Don't worry about that. You need to get over that. You need to let go of that without realizing how invalidating that is. Like, okay, great. I'm glad you don't struggle with that. But I just happen to be struggling with it, and you telling me I shouldn't struggle with it doesn't help me at all. That's a narrative or me saying, I'm really worried about this. We need to address this, like, right now. And you go, yeah, whatever. Like, let it go. I'm not gonna address that. You go, Remember, our movies come from our past experiences of childhood, past relationships, my successes and my failures as an individual. And that gets woven together with how I see the world in my movie. So our movies are very unique to us. They are very individualized. And even though we're having a very similar moment, we're not in the same theater. And not only that, my person can fire off scenes in my own movie that I really don't want to see. Like, and then I can blame and attack you for it. Like, how come you bring that emotion up in me? Or that experience up in me? How dare you? Without realizing they're going, what? I don't. What are you talking about? I didn't know. I'm sorry. I wasn't my intention. Because they're not having that same experience from what's firing off scenes in your movie. Those scenes are coming from your experiences, shall we say, your past challenges, conflicts that you've experienced and weathered over your life so they could have the very same conversation or experiences. And that's not what plays on their movie. It just happens to be what plays on yours. And what we have a tendency to do is, like, try and control other people and circumstances and environments so that those movies don't play on my screen without realizing, oh, you're never going to win that one. See, there's always going to be another moment or another situation where that cues a movie or a narrative inside of yourself. But then you feel like you've got to still control or tweak something outside of yourself, and you'll never be successful there. We also don't realize that that firing off of my movie that we would call a trigger, that trigger is an opportunity for you to see it from a different vantage point or a different perspective and to do something different so that you can move through it and on with it instead of continue to avoid it or be stuck in it. So the fact that it fires is actually a really good thing. And our partners have an uncanny ability, ability to fire those things off in us. That's why we probably fooled around and fell in love with them in the first place, because they're going to help me grow and expand as a human, as an individual.

That made me think of the story of when you were at home writing the podcast and dad came in and you wanted another cup of coffee. I think you should tell that story because that's such a clear example of two completely different movies playing out with a very simple situation.

Yeah, very simple. I'm writing the podcast and I'm in it, and there's an empty coffee cup sitting on my table. And Tom comes in from. I don't know what, you know, he emerged in the scene, hadn't been there, and I said to him, babe, would you please make me a cup of coffee? And he says, well, how many cups of coffee have you had? And I'm like, okay, so the little backstory here just, it'll make sense, is Tom is a very detail oriented person, and sometimes he needs a minutia of information that can often drive me crazy that I feel in my movie and narrative is completely irrelevant to what's playing out in the moment. I'm like, why do we need to talk about this? Why do we need to go there? Can't we just get a cup of coffee, for God's sakes? You really need to know how many cups of coffee I've had. I mean, are you going to do it or not? And Tom wants the detail. He wants the minutiae. Like, well, how many have you had? And I. I want to say, well, how many is too many? And so I spouted off in a very defensive posture and saying, do you want me to graph this for you? Like, do I need to tell you how many cups of coffee I had? Are you just Gonna get me a cup of coffee? Well, of course, because of my reaction, he's like, well, aren't you coming in real hot today? Like, I just asked. I mean, and for Tom, I mean, I'll let you speak for yourself, but he was just genuinely curious. Like, how many cups of coffee have you had? Do you really need a mother? What were you thinking that day? I don't even think.

I think he was just asking because he needed to know if the water. It was something to do. It was a long time ago, but it was something to do, like if he needed to reheat the water or something.

So it wasn't like a caffeine count or anything.

Yeah.

And also, I'd like to add to everyone that the podcast that Mom 2 is writing, I don't think think she remembers it was on defensiveness.

It was.

Yeah.

We should link to that in the show notes.

I have. I have another one that often comes up for us, which is where I come from in my life, it was a pretty flexible environment. My dad died when I was small and my mom had to go back to work. And so I was the youngest of five children. And back in the 70s, you didn't have a nanny or a babysitter or whatever. The older kids took care of the younger kids, and that was just kind of how it rolled. So here we are, five kids on a summer break, you know, often. Many times, actually, many years, and we were conjuring up our own fun, whether it was something with our friends or our family, et cetera, because my mom coming home, trying to get five kids rallied and in the car was a big deal. And so time really kind of happened on our own experience. So we even had a name for. It was called Welch Standard Time, which is my maiden name. When we get there, it's on Welch Standard Time. That was a common conversation when I. Growing up as a kid, people seemed to enjoy when we would show up, and it didn't matter if it was on time or Welch Standard Time really didn't matter. I didn't have all of this intensity and stress around being on time, was my point. And so, of course, when Tom and I get together, you know, Tom's detail oriented. I think I've already said that. And he comes from a place where being on time was, like, punctual. Like, you be on time. Like it's. There's no. Well, standard time.

Very important.

Yeah. And on time, by the way, MEANT you were 10 to 15 minutes early. That's on time. And so you can Start to just see in our experiences and in our narratives and our movies how this might create a bit of a conflict. And Tom would say it's disrespectful, it's unkind, people are going to think ill of you. And I'm like, I have a thousand conversations in my own head and my, and experiences that tell me that is not true. That is so not true. I what are you talking about? Tom's like, no, see, we'd be penalized for this. This is not okay. And, and we would start banging on what's on time. We're not talking about some of the complexities that we can experience internally. And I, I hope that this starts to help you see that one experience is not superior or inferior to the other and that both are coming from a place of experiences and perspectives that really, if we understood movie narratives, we would understand we both have a contribution in to the expansion of us both. Are there times when Tom needs to let off and not take this whole time thing so seriously? And would my perspective be a life giving element for him? Yes. Is there a moment in time where in the professional life, in our business life, et cetera, time taking the grandkids to school me, being on time would serve me and contribute to my experience and the expansion of who I have the capacity be as a human being. So in this scenario, who's right and who's wrong? And the answer is nobody. That we both have a set of experiences that contribute to the whole and that if we could value that would help us understand why we fooled around and fell in love with each other in the first place. See, here's the deal. We fall in love with people for a lot more reasons than all the box checking that we do. I fall in love with somebody who has a tremendous amount of contribution into the things and parts and places that I could grow and expand and understand. And the truth is I don't understand any of that. That's why I think it's so sexy. And you, what does Tom love and appreciate about me? My spontaneity, my flexibility, my easygoing nature. My ability to have fun. What do I love about him? His count on ability. His detail oriented foundational place of always being there, no matter what, come hell or high water. What frustrates the hell out of me? Those same things. What about you, babe? You think, ah, you just don't get it. You're just not taking this seriously enough. And I'm saying lighten up, hope it's going to be okay. Again, who's right and who's wrong? Nobody. But if we were to accept the contribution that is being gifted to us as such, I hope that you start to see the expansion and the ability for us to become more of who we have the capacity to be and that we just happen to choose lovers who instill that in us. So if I were to propose the idea to you that love is just for that, to help us expand to become more of who it is we have the capacity to be, and that these narratives are there to help us understand, grow, heal, etc. Then maybe, just maybe, we could start not taking things so personal. And maybe, just maybe, instead of competing about who's right and who's wrong, we could start valuing the contribution from each other's perspectives.

This is why so many people reach out to us, because they have not been able to really get their arms around what Stacy has spent quite a bit of time sharing here. We've just touched the tip, the iceberg here.

I want to give you, as we wrap up here, some concrete things that you can use. And the simplest thing that I have for you is here's what's playing out on my movie, what's playing out in yours.

So literally say that it's the narrative.

That I'm making up as true. It doesn't mean it is true. It just happens to be where I'm going based on my experiences as a human being. If we look at it as I just play a fractal of the experiences that are available in any one given moment, it helps us to understand I just play my role. I just play my perspective. But there are so many teeny tiny fractals in the whole and that maybe there's something I'm not seeing or understanding from my view or my movie or my perspective that may contribute to what it is I need to see and understand. And if I can't allow this in, then what I I do as a human being is I get defensive. I want to validate my own movie without allowing another perspective in. So I'll challenge you. I'll shut it down. I'll ignore you. I'll get aggressive. I'll write the narrative. I'll do all kinds of things in my ability to say, oh no, the way I'm seeing this is important. It is important. It is. It's real. It's your experience. And there is more to add to it. So when you find yourself at loggerheads or in cycles of fighting, just think about that for a moment. What's playing out in My movie, Where do I go? What am I making up as true? And know that in those moments, if I don't vet it out, this is what's playing out of my movie. Can you believe that? Is this true? If I don't do that, then I'm probably stacking on narratives and movies that affect the way I behave, that then will affect the way my partner engages with me, that will then support my narrative, whatever I'm making up as true. And I'm going to stack on that and behave as though that is the case. As our relationship plays out, my opportunity is to vet it out, to understand, okay, this is where I am at and this is what I'm making up as true. Where are you and what are you making up as true? And once I understand that, then we can start to understand why we're showing up as we are. But even more so if we share what we think we need and the corrections and the solutions to what it is we're co creating are those solutions and corrections will be in that narrative and you'll go, that's a really great idea. I never thought of it like that. Wow, I can't believe I. I was so defensive and shut down that I didn't even think about that being a possibility. Like going back to the coffee. Hey, I just wanted to know if I had to add some water to the pot. Well, that's a totally different narrative, isn't it? You're not wanting a. A spreadsheet and a calculation and you're not monitoring my caffeine intake. You just simply want to know if you have to fill the coffee pot up. I think that's funny. Like, that's hilarious. And yet if we didn't vet that out, Just think about how I would show up if I meant I. I thought you're just a controlling, monitoring person about my caffeine intake. How dare you. Well, tomorrow I guarantee in that narrative, I'm going to find more evidence to support that. Now you're monitoring the time I get up, and now you're monitoring all the times I'm late. And now you're monitoring how I set my settings on my phone and oh God, I'm in the places that could even go if I was buying into that narrative. And vice versa for you. You don't care about this. This is unimportant to you. You're missing the boat here. How could you be so foolish? I don't know. You. You fill in the gaps.

Yeah, man. We need to be really, to be objective and Say, where else might I be so off when we have these really significant aha's like Stacy just described? I mean, I could care less about any of that. I simply want to know if I need to turn the damn pot on. You know, I mean, it's like.

And you may think, oh, well is so much more complex. And yeah, I would suggest to you, oh, but you're just so not. It is the layering of these very simple things that contribute to narratives like you're lazy, you're selfish, you're malicious, you're unkind, you're disingenuous, you're a narcissist. I mean, the narratives that we make up and validate need to be vetted out. They need to be understood, especially in long term relationships. Because here's the deal, as a rite of passage, there are always going to be things that don't work for both of you. And we don't talk about them and we don't solve them and we don't dive into them. We're afraid to, so we don't talk about them. And then the solutions that we need to, the challenges that we will inevitably face as a couple will continue to elude us because we're not having the conversations of our perspectives and our narratives. And remember, the connection of sharing myself with you and you sharing yourself with me will atrophy. So now the only thing that's holding us together is the money and the kids, if we're lucky. And we're wondering, what the hell? And then I judge myself and I judge you. And the narratives I make up from that perspective are the heartbreaking ones about me judging myself, about judging men, women, relationships. I mean, the places I go and the stories that I make up are tragic. That's the part that breaks my heart the most. So embracing that human relationships are messy. This is a part of the journey. And the more I care, the more fears and insecurities are going to flash for me. It's also important we understand how to create a safe space for honest conversations and showing up authentically. Long story short, we didn't talk about this today, but we have other episodes on defensiveness, on manipulation, that will help you understand how to create a safe place to share our movies and our narratives. Because here's the deal, if it's not safe, I'm not going to share. I'm not going to tell you shit. So it's important that we understand those parts and pieces and begin with understanding your own movie. Because here's the deal, you're the only one who can do that. That's work only you can do. So spend some time and think about how do I feel and think and what am I making up in my own movie? To be able to translate your own thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that you can first understand is the most life giving thing that you can do in any relational challenge. And forget about trying to make up what you think your partner is thinking and feeling. I would encourage you to focus on your own. Because even though you might come up with some grand ideas based on how they're showing up, I guarantee you you don't understand. After all, you don't even have access to the intel that's going to tell you what they're making up in their movie, I. E. Their experiences, their thoughts, their feelings, their emotions. All of those are things you don't have access to. So the very best thing you can do is ask them to show share it with you. And when they ask you to do the same, can you do it? Can you go there? Can you contribute that? Or are you just going to get reactive and defensive and shut the conversation down? Because the reality is you don't understand your thoughts, feelings and emotions or the narrative that's playing out inside of yourself. What's playing out in your movie right now, here's what's playing out in mine, is a very life giving conversation to your relationship, especially when it's on life support and fostering the safety to have these kinds of conversations, recognizing and realizing we're not seeing it the same. In fact, nine times out of ten we won't and can see that that's a gift instead of a nemesis that we have to fight about and prove and demonstrate and be right is not going to do anything but suck the life out of your relationship. That's important for you to see. And so for our Follow the fun Today, I'm going to demonstrate yet again the impact of our narratives and where we go. I've created conversation cards because people will say after this conversation, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get that we need to talk, we need to have conversations and you need to share my movie. And I get how we compete and how we don't see it on the same page, but what do we talk about? I don't know what we talk about. And I say no problem. I have this little thing called conversation cards for you to practice sharing your narratives and movies with each other. And all you got to do is pull a card and share what comes up for you. And so I thought for Our Follow the Fun this week, it would be really fun for us to play with these conversation cards so you can get an idea of how they work. And so what I'm going to do is I'm going to spread my cards out and I'm going to have Tom just pick a random one, as you would if you had this deck for yourself, and we'll use this for our Follow the Fun moment. So what do you got there, honey?

What song always puts you in a good mood?

Oh, man, that's me.

There's so many of them. I'm thinking. I think we even use this on one of our podcast episodes Way, way back. It's the Blanken Jones one that's all instrumental. Just the one that always says that we're going to play when the first time that we have purchased our hardtop convertible. You know the one I can't remember.

Go sing it.

Oh, it's instrumental.

Mine is Ain't no mountain high Enough.

Mine is Pharrell's I'm happy Dance along if you Pharrell Williams. Come along if you Happiness is the truth. So I want you to see three different experiences, three different perspectives, and three incredible songs that we can draw from, and we can have a whole conversation about that. If I were to say, give me one more or what is it you like about that song? Or what's your favorite verse? You can start to see where now we're sharing about what my experience is and what plays out of my narrative of and what works for me as I understand and learn what motivates you and creates that same experience for yourself. Our song today.

Speaking of songs.

Yes, I love. Of course, because we do this every single episode, I found a really good one, and it's probably by somebody that you're not really familiar with. It's a group called Tiny Habits, and they have a song called Wishes, which I felt really highlighted our movie framework that we talked about today. Because what they say in this idea of wishes is, I wish I didn't feel like a burden. Wish I was smarter, not so scared. I wish I didn't cater to something that I shouldn't. And I wish that I was certain about the life I wanted to live. And I wanted to just suggest to you that these wishes all come from our narratives. They all come from the place that I perceive and understand myself from within. And that's what creates my wishes. That's also what creates my challenges, my worries, my stressors, as well as my joys and my favorite songs. You can check this song out on a podcast page as well as on Spotify by visiting Love Shack Live playlist. It's a fantastic little song and if by chance you're wanting more information or to continue this conversation, all you need to do is visit staceybartley.com for more resources and to even purchase some of the conversation cards that we've highlighted in our Follow the fun moment today. You can check this out. Also, the Better Love Club is a great place to further your support, support and conversation around this movie narrative. It's something we talk about and support and mentor a lot. So if the Better Love Club is something that you've been thinking about, why not take a leap and see what's available there for you? I want you to know we're dedicated to having the conversations that matter most in this community and to help support you in building better relationships. So without further ado, thank you so much for spending this time with us and learning. Hope this movie framework blesses your life and contributes to you as it has hundreds, literally hundreds and hundreds of couples who are in a very difficult space trying to figure out a spot where they can take a step forward and begin the concept of understanding myself and you better. And we'll look forward to seeing you next time. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on, ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. First, thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.