#186: Why Do We Always End Up Fighting? Fix Your Communication Struggles

Have you ever found yourself pouring your heart out only to feel like your words are falling on deaf ears? It's one of the most painful feelings, isn't it? The frustration of feeling misunderstood or completely unheard can make you feel incredibly isolated and disconnected from the person that you love the most. What if there was a way to change that and finally bridge that emotional gap? Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for those of you standing at a relationship crossroads cross grappling with daily conflicts and yearning to close the growing emotional gap. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship expert, and I'm here with my co host and lover, Tom and our daughter Brooke. Together, we're here to guide you on this journey. This week, because it's the 4th of July here in the United States of America, we have something really special for you. We've dug in the vault from our paid community called the Better Love Club and pulled out one of our trainings on communication. We're going to dive deep into the topic that so many of you have told us is your biggest challenge. Are you ready to learn how to turn frustrating conversations into meaningful connections? Have you ever wanted to know how to truly share your thoughts and feelings without it turning into a fight? Like, how can you ensure that your talking and sharing actually brings you closer instead of pushing you apart? Well, right here, right now, we're going.

To share that with you.

Join us as we explore practical tips and heartfelt strategies on mastering the art of communication. I mean, imagine for a moment transforming those dreaded arguments into loving, productive conversations that will help you find the solutions that you need in order to know.

How to move forward.

We'll uncover common communication pitfalls and share insights on how to avoid them. What you're about to hear might just be the key to unlocking a stronger and more loving relationship.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, it's Thomas Dacey here.

We wanted to share with you some.

Perspectives on communication and how to improve it, give you some things to think.

About in the Communication is something that, you know, people reach out to us probably the. I would say it's the most cited place of where couples are struggling, you know, so let's dive in.

Learning the language of love is what I'm titling this because it really is learning a new language. And when it comes to the language of relationships, knowing things like debate or negotiations or sells, it proves to often not be helpful at all. And it's because these forms of communication have at the core, forms of manipulation and not necessarily what it is we need between lovers, which is understanding. So using manipulation tactics when it comes to sharing matters of the heart will likely lead you to conflict. And so, as Tom had shared, communication really is probably the number one cited topic that people reach out for help for because they understand we need to talk and share. It's kind of an intuitive thing. We know we need to talk and.

Share, and we know we're not doing that right now.

Yeah. And we know that we're not going to be able to resolve anything if we don't talk and share. But how do we ensure that the talking and the sharing goes well? And it becomes a very terrifying place to go, like to share with you my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. That becomes a very, very risky proposition, especially the more we have not had success with it. And so the communication tends to shut down, shut down, shut down, shut down over time because we just don't know how to get through in a productive way. And we often at our attempts of communication end up leaving worse than when we started. And it's really kind of a sweetheart message where you realize the default option of not talking is trying to hang on. It's trying to ensure that things go as well as possible. Although there's the frustrating side of the equation because, you know, we also know, like I said, if we're not talking, we're not going to be able to accomplish or solve anything. Certainly not talk about remedies and some of those other things that we do. Opening up communication is one of the first primary focuses. When you come and you get help, it's helping us share in a better way. So I wanted to give you common forms of communication because sometimes I think it's really helpful for you to see what I see from my perspective when I work with couples and all of us do these things. But I think sometimes it's helpful for us to just wrap our head around, okay, what are we currently doing? And identify with that, because then it can help us understand what it is we want to do differently instead of just jumping into a bunch of do's and don'ts for you. I thought it would be really helpful for me to share these common forms of care communication that absolutely throw a wrench in productive communication of all kinds. And I literally just extracted these this morning from just what I see, the commonalities that I consistently see over and over and over again that break communication down. So we're going to have a little fun here with you and just kind of talking about and describing these forms of communication with you in hopes that you'll have a smile on your face and go, oh, my gosh, I do that. We practice that a lot inside the Better Love Club. Oh, my gosh, I do that. Yeah. That's a form of communication I typically reach for. And then that sets us free. Once we can start to identify some of those things, it's okay. Now I can work with it because I can own it, I can see it, I can understand it. So let's dive in there, shall we?

Sure. Number one.

Yeah. The number one. And these aren't in order of priority or anything.

They're not necessarily the thing you see the most.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are just pulling from memory. And I named them my own little names, so there's nothing necessarily scientific about this other than this is just what I see. The first one I'm going to share with you is what I call light a match and run. It comes from very much a victim place, but basically I'm not sharing. I'm not talking in the communication. And I'm just sitting there. And then all of a sudden, I'll light a match and throw it. And it's something along the lines of something that I know is going to incite a reaction or a response, and then I want to either shut up and go quiet or I literally physically remove myself. It's kind of like, well, screw you, then. I've had enough of this conversation.

I'm out.

You strike and think of it like you strike this statement and then you drop it and you know it's going to go, and then you're going to run and get the heck out of Dodge so that nobody can catch you and hold you responsible. This also might be a place, too, where I want somebody to come and fix it for me. So I'll light a match, blow things up, and then I want you to come and tell me you're sorry and tell me that you love me and tell me that you want this to go well. So there's a bit of a victim stance to this form of communication. Just reflect. Is this something that's a natural reach for you right where I sit and I try and do my best and we have this conversation, and then I get really frustrated, and instead of saying that, I just continue until I can't take it anymore. And then I light a match and throw it, and it just. And then I run. I should get the heck out of Dodge. And then I want you to come and fix it and tell me you're sorry and make it all better. And Tell me you want me and you love me. So I'm literally doing it to incite a reaction from you. And yes, as you can probably guess, this does not go well when we're trying to have a conversation. Number two, bossy forms of communication. It's like we'll be sitting there having a conversation and the experience is, well, this is what we're going to do. Well, I don't really care what you have to say about that. This is what we're going to do. Didn't you hear me? This is what we're going to do. No, we talked about this. This is what we're going to do. It's my way. I know the best way. And I'm really not interested in knowing your side. Like, I've already decided what we're going to do. So I don't know why we're having this conversation. Let me just tell you what I know we're going to do again and then that'll be the end of it. And I keep coming back to that again and again and again. Now, the problem with this form of communication and conversation is that there's no input from the other side. So even if you were right, this person is not going to feel good about where you're going, that you're dragging along for the ride because their perspective, point of view is not being included in the mix. It would be one thing to say, hey, I've got some really great ideas about this that I'm feeling really excited about. Let me share them with you. And then if you have some things that come up for you as well, let's kick them around and talk about it. And I what I want you to see is we could still end up going your direction, but right out of the gate, if you're using a bossy form of communication, you're not going to get anybody's buy in. And if they do go along with you, it's just going to create a lot of resentment. Yeah, that's what we do. Yep. See, there they go again. Okay, I guess this is what we're going to do because I don't want to deal with your ass if hypo go along with it.

Yeah, I would say too. See, it seems like you're immediately invalidating your partner, your special someone. And we all know, remember that's so that you're majorly violating seeing value and appreciator. So you're not. There's no inclusion. Even if you do, he or she disagrees with you. So that one's kind of doomed to fail right out of the game.

Yeah, it does. And it will. Even though people will go along with it for a while. Because when you don't get your way, you kind of throw a fit. It's not going to take you very far. And then pretty soon people are just going to go missing so that there's nobody the bossy person gets to order around. It's interesting how that works. Everybody just gets a little more quiet, a little more quiet, a little more quiet because they're trying to avoid any engagement. Because I've attempted to have you hear and understand my side, you always just come back to the place of telling me what we're going to do and discounting and invalidating me. That feels terrible. So I'm just going to go get my needs met somewhere else. That's usually how that plays out. Number three is kind of like bossy.

But maybe a little more philosophical approach.

Yes, for sure. I call it the all knowing wise one. And the conversations tend to go like this. Oh yeah, I know all about that. I read up on on that. And let me tell you what I know. And this is going to be the way that we have to do it. So there's a little bit of a bossy in there. But you really pride yourself in having done it because you have this wealth of experience that your partner doesn't. I see this in like age gaps too. One person maybe is older and has a little more experience than a younger person. And because I have the experience, I am the all knowing wise one. And so therefore I get to make the final say. Because you don't know, you don't have as much experience as I do. I also see it play out in adults that have children and their partner doesn't have any children. So it's oh, so you don't know what it's like to have a child. So therefore I don't have to include your conversation, your perspective. I don't need to value it because I am the wise one. I'm the one that has all the experience and the knowledge. It also shows up too if there's somebody who is researching or they gather up a group of people and say, oh well, you know, so. And so the expert in the room says this is the way it should go. What ends up happening in the all knowing wise One? I have a very specific demonstrative example that's coming to mind that was example of this form of communication. And so her partner would start to talk and then she would jump in. Oh, no, no, no, no. That's not the way it is. That's not, that's. No, you're wrong. I read up on this pie or I have this book, or I talk to this person and what you're saying is completely wrong. And so I just want to correct you. I just want you to know I'm the wise one in this situation and I know. And of course, as you can guess, that just communication just crumbles. And less and less that person will show up to share up to and including even experiences that they've had together. I'll talk over what I'm sure went down there because I am the, the wise one. So even though, and you guys know this by now, I'm sure that because of our movies and our narratives, none of us take away the same experience from any given task or life experience that we have. And so to discount somebody's takeaway from some of these things really again, invalidates the other person. You'll start to see that's the common thread. Somebody's going to feel invalidated with all of these forms of communication. So the all knowing wise one tends to talk over people, correct people, and it totally derails the communication, even though it's coming from a sweet place. Even like in communication, the conversation's starting to roll and pick up a little momentum. And if I stop it to correct you on how you said the word or you know what that word really means and you used it inappropriately or no, that's not what happened. This is what happened based on my perspective. Just notice that never adds anything to the conversation. It always is going to. Just the person that was sharing has now been interrupted. The flow of digestion, which is what I'm doing when I share and talk stops and stalemates. It feels uncomfortable, it feels icky. And then sometimes I just go, eh, forget it. If you know, then you don't need me to be saying anything. Wears me out. I just, I don't want to say anything again.

I think it's very similar to the bossy I get. I think it's just a. We can maybe justify it because we think it's a little bit more. We're taking a little bit more grasshopper type approach. Remember Karate Kid. We all know the intent is still not perhaps where it should be. None of us get the hall pass on this. This is what shows up in Stacy's office. So it's important to be aware of what you know. We all can step into these places pretty quickly.

So the next one I Want to touch on number four is never say anything. You get in trouble this way. And so this is when somebody while not risk saying or sharing anything. And so it produces this dynamic where one person is again trying to get the other person to talk and dialogue. And they tried all their best stuff, from lighting that match and running, to getting bossy and pushy, to telling you why it is you need to talk and all the experts and taking the quizzes and those kinds of things and the all knowing wise one and there they sit. Never say anything because you can't get in trouble that way. And although that seems logical, I think when we're shut down in our conversations, recognize and realize the person has an awareness that's happening inside of themselves. They just don't choose to share it with you, they're sharing it with others, perhaps, or I'm just taking care of business on my own. I don't want to share this with you. I'll just go do what I decided I'm going to do anyway. No. Yeah. It might create a dynamic where you feel a little safe, but what it's going to cost you is the person that is in the relationship with you is probably going to be making up a lot of stuff that's just not true. And that takes on a veracity of its own because I don't have any way of vetting out what I'm seeing or making up as true in my own narrative. And so it creates almost a sense of insanity. I know as a human being in a relationship with somebody who never says anything that I need to vet some things out. I need that validation that I'm on the right path. I need some input to solve the problems that we have come up in our relationships. And it's absolutely emotionally frustrating to not get anything back from the other side. And it makes me nutty. I, as a human being, I start to get anxiety, I start to spin up, I start to make up lots of wonderful narratives about what's going on and why you won't talk and what you think and why you don't talk. Long story short, it just makes us nutty. It just makes the person who is not able to vet it out, validate it, et cetera, nutty. And so they're gonna attack, they're gonna do all kinds of defensive postures in an effort to get you to show up. So that's, number one, you're gonna create a lot of drama for yourself. Number two, there's no way you can create an us. There's no way you can co create with somebody when you have one person that's not showing up, that doesn't happen. And so there's a desperate attempt to try and get you to show up so that I can have something to connect to. So even though we were safe, eventually we're gonna have some really big mental health challenges or we're going to have just explosive conversations from time to time is how that's going to play out. Anything you want to add to that one?

No.

Been in a relationship with somebody who wouldn't talk? No.

Maybe more of one person talking than the other person. Not so much talking. But I think too what happens there is the person that is talking is then chasing the one that's not talking and then that's just going to wear you down too. So it's going to further promote more shutdown to the one that's not. So it's never going to go away.

The begging, the pleasing, the coercing, the.

Leveraging, like, omg, please have had enough. Just leave. Leave me alone.

You know? Yeah, yeah. You can't shut the conversation down enough to make any progress. That's something really important. And that applies to all of these forms of communication. Then there's the abuser form. And the abuser form of communication is we've been through a really difficult time. And I believe because of that difficult time you have to pay like that. You've gotta pay for these egregious things that we've been through. And I blame you for them. And so my communication with you is telling you about how you hurt me, about how you did it wrong. It's this desperate attempt to get you to pay so that I can let it go. Except for everybody pays. And it becomes a very abusive form of communication. It very often shows up when there's been some really big betrayals on lots of fronts, broken agreements, those kinds of things. And we get into this abuser mentality where now I'm entitled to say and do things to you and I will continue to do that in my form of communication until I feel like you've paid enough price. And so it just becomes this cycle of communication we come back to again and again and again. And unfortunately, this can go on for years. Not just weeks and months, but years in a relationship. And everybody's mental health, emotional health, physical health is just shattered. It doesn't take us anywhere good. So that idea, it really is true that if I have you pay, we all pay again. There's no potential for creating, I think.

The quote that comes to mind on this one. I know I've say it often is we can't punish the pain out of any of us. We're all fully aware when we've made a misstep. You know, no one knows better than us. So yeah, again, please understand we're not dismissing the difficulty on the recipient end of that, we're not dismissing that. But to create some new momentum going forward, at some point in time we're going to have to choose to move through that, use it potentially as something that we can become stronger from rather than continuing to punish the pain out of us because it's not going to happen.

And then I feel terrible about myself because I'm allowing myself to say and do things that then causes me to not feel good about myself. And so that's how we kind of turn ourselves into monsters and use our own place of connection, of self, of confidence and self esteem. And self is like, well, yeah, then.

We hear from people that I'm turning into a version of myself I don't like. So that's not good either.

Yeah, and I get it. I mean we're kind of raised with the idea that there's gotta be consequences, you need to pay the price. We all probably were given some form of being grounded or punished in some way for the choices that we were making through childhood and adolescence. And then when we step into adulthood, we feel like we still need to continue to play that out. And literally it's a parent child game and nobody wants to be parented by their lover. It doesn't take us anywhere good anyway. So I understand and I want you to understand where it comes from. But it doesn't help us solve the solutions and the challenges that we're inevitably gonna face in our relationships as adults because it's, it sets it up as not an us.

You didn't do, you didn't do pleaser.

Oh my gosh, I skipped pleaser.

You skipped pleaser?

Well, that's an important one.

Pleaser. Yes.

Tell me about pleaser. I think you might know a little about that.

Well, I mean there's a lot of overcompensation going on. I think that it's a good hearted message. I think the intent potentially is. But yeah, you're overcompensating for many multitude of reasons, doesn't really matter why. And so yeah, and it's exhausting. And I think the other side, like we've shared in a lot of these. There's always the yin and the yang, the opposite of that. And the recipient of that is going to be also not seen value and heard as well. Right?

Well, they usually love it. The person who's trying to please the partner. I mean, what's not to love about somebody trying to please you? And then it becomes an imbalance in power and control. And this is where we get some of the interesting attachment styles that show up in relationships. Because the pleaser's mentality is, if I can just figure out how to make you happy, then all will be well.

I'm.

I'm constantly trying to fix things for you and anticipate things for you and please you very much so.

And I have to think, though, that on the other side, that person that's not the pleaser does know there is an imbalance there and they want to.

Use it to their advantage. If I'm not aware, oh, this is pretty nice. I have a lot of power here when you're just seeking to please me. So all I have to do is let you know you didn't please me and then you'll do more for me, which is kind of. And I. This is probably our favorite form of community. I know for me, I think back about earlier relationships in my life and I would bend over backwards to try and make it work for the person I was in a relationship with. And then there would come a point in time where I'd get tired and sick of it because my own needs weren't getting met.

Oh, my God.

So then I would probably not in a really great way start to say, this is. This sucks. When they're like, what are you talking about? This is the greatest relationship I've ever been in. Pull it together and keep doing it. And then eventually the relationship would fall apart because you cannot give what you don't have. And so it starts out really good in the beginning, and then as it plays out, it starts to break the person down who's trying to please. And then they start to fall apart. And then the person that has been pleased is going, what's the problem? This works really, really well for me. What do you mean? This isn't a great relationship. I'm not working for you. It works great for me.

Yeah, just energetically. It's a massive imbalance. We just know from science, it's not not theory that at some point there's going to have to be a correction.

As there is on all of these that we touched on. There is an over, there's an imbalance.

So. Yeah. And so there's going to be a reset. Rather have it be a Proactive reset versus the default option. We say that often. So ideally we're one sharing these so we can be aware of them and.

See it in ourselves. Right. Just see. And we might use a selection of all of these depending on the circumst than that we all do.

And I say the first place of growth is when you can start recognizing it in yourself. That's powerful. Oh my gosh. And then you can more quickly do a reset versus it going on for much longer. That's huge growth. I mean that's massive. First to be able to identify it maybe in a past conversation or piece of communication. And then you can get to where you can identify in real time and then do a much more quick course correction. Now you're really on something. So it's a process for all of us.

I would say the thing that we're masterful at, you and I, that makes a difference in our communication. Because you know, we can do any and all those things for sure. But then we catch them. We just literally go, wow, okay, you're kind of bossy. We can name them. We. It's where some of these names come from is because. Oh, so you're never going to. You're not going to say anything. You don't have a comment about this. You're just going to shut down, go quiet. So we can name these and they become part of our conversation pieces. We can talk about them. We can go lots of different places with them. If we defend them, they're gonna kick our fannies. So just know like defensiveness in this. We've talked about that early on. There's also a lot of great training inside the emotional weightlifting pillar on defensiveness. And this is the thing that kicks our fanny. The more I defend these forms of communication, find the wise one. And I'm not gonna let that go. Cause that's an identifier inside of me. We think that it's the other person's problem that needs to switch their communication up. Actually it's probably me. And so don't hold your. I invite you to not hold yourself in a light where this potentially can't be you in the conversation that's breaking the conversation down. Always be willing to look at where I might be contributing to the breaking down of the communication and not just looking to your partner to fix it. Yes, they're doing their part too. You can start to see where these things start to match up and create quite a bit shit show, shall we say. So if everybody is mindful and looking for how it is I'm showing up and what form of communication I'm using, then we can talk about that and move a different direction. It's not about not doing it as we say. It's about being able to catch it like Tom said, and then work with that and owning it, you know. Gosh, you're kind of bossy today. Yeah, I was. Huh. How that came out was really bossy. Would be a great example of that. It is about us. That's the form of communication that we want to seek. It's not about one person. It's not an imbalance of power or presence. It's about us. It's about no, I count and so do you and I don't count for you. I need to include you as part of the conversation and the co creation that is us. And that's what communication is for in this mindset. It's the co creation and the sharing between you and I. And one can't necessarily outweigh or trump the other. There has to be an equal interplay here. And so with that idea in mind, it's very easy or becomes a lot easier, shall we say, to catch yourself and where that imbalance is not happening or I am stepping into being bossy or the wise one or shutting down because I'm tired of the conversation. Rather than not saying anything, say I'm tired now. Let's pause or I have a lot coming up around this. Let's pause and we'll continue to talk about it again. It's. We're always looking for the checks and balances where I have some thoughts and feelings and emotions that count and so do you and they're going to be different and that's okay. That's how we create an us. As I say, it's a give and receive. Just like great lovemaking, so is communication. Right. I can't always be the giver. That's not going to go well. That's going to stink over time. And I can't always be the receiver. That's also not going to go well. I need to be able to do both. And that's so true not only in lovemaking, but for our communication as well. There has to be a give and a receive and I've got to develop the ability to do both for good communication. Okay. So I hope that helps you and I. I would love underneath this recording if you would play along with us and identify which one you relate to the most.

Maybe one is one that you find you most still frequently default to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we can have some fun with this. And you can literally do what Tom and I are desperately trying to describe here. Do it for yourself. Like, oh, my gosh, I love to light a match and run. And I do use that as a form of getting the comfort and the validation and the assurance that I'm looking for, because I don't know how to express my frustration, for example. So tell us about these forms of communication and how they show up in your own relationship and be bold and proud about, because that is such a freeing experience and exercise. And we can say, oh, yeah, I do that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I am the wise one.

And then as far as you had the reference or the piece of additional resource, if you will, it's a good resource to use as far as people want to know maybe the exact sequence of words or words to use to help them.

So the communication cheat sheet has been designed just for that. And I'm going to give you a few other things to keep. Okay, keep an eye on here. But at the end of the day, when you want the frameworks and you want actual words to practice and say it like this, that's where that communication cheat sheet inside of the communication pillar comes from. And if you haven't already, I would so encourage you to print it out and read through it and practice saying those words. They are put together in a string in an order for a reason. And there's been literally years of effort and work that has gone into that cheat sheet. If you're looking for frameworks and specific words, print that off and have it with you and practice them, rehearse them. I know you're going to feel awkward using them because it's not going to be the way you speak, but pretty soon it will be, and it won't feel awkward at all.

And it's going to create a different experience when you use these. And that's the whole point of that. Again, because we hear often, like, how.

Did you say that again?

Say that again. I wish I had you in my ear. So they're not. And I always remind people they're very simple words. It's simply in the sequence of which we use them and get good at using them is going to render a very different result and experience.

And you have to understand communication is an art and a science, and it's pretty clunky. It really is. It's a pretty clunky form of being able to exchange ideas and emotions and strategize solutions, but as the creatures that we are, as human Beings, it's all we got. And so it, it behooves us to become masterful at the nuances of communication.

And it's very fluid based on what it is we're experiencing at the moment for each of us. Come on. It's the most dynamic thing we're doing as we're living. And then in real time, ideally, if you can get to this place and you can, then you have this exchange. But it's very dynamic, changing all the time. Never set it and forget. It's like, geez, yeah, so no, no kidding. That there's probably. There's some challenge there.

And there always will be, there always will be. And so we, as we get better and masterful at it again, it's just kind of like life, you know, Expect the messes and the missteps. That's okay, we can dance with that. Just we want to be able to in real time, create that, do over that we continuously talk about. Just exemplify this down as much as I possibly can for you. Just to uncomplicate it and make it not feel so overwhelming for you. I want you to understand that there literally are just a handful of things that we do with communication because sometimes we think, oh, there's so many words and I get so lost and I get so confused. Part of what makes communication very clunky is as we're sharing words and situations and memories and feelings with each other, the other person starts to fire off in their own association or narrative about what it is you're talking about. And so it's so easy for us to stop listening. And then we start going or reacting to what it is that's being fired off inside of myself. Unknowingly to the person who's trying to share their thoughts, feelings and emotions, the other person starts to fire off in our communication. That's how we go to saying let's make a grocery list together, to talking about last year's Christmas party and the children and the mother in law. It just starts to go all over the place because of that reaction. And so we'll stop talking about what we initially started to talk about or why we opened up the communication. And then pretty soon I'm talking about a whole bunch of other things. And so be mindful of not moving on to another topic until we've completed the topic we started about and then we can move to the next one if we need to. Tom and I are really good. And support each other in not moving on to a new topic until we've Completely expressed and shared about the one that we opened the conversation with to prevent some of that dancing around. That if we're not metering, that takes us all over the board. And then communication is completely ineffective. Choose a topic, talk about a topic, vet it out. There's gonna be all kinds of thoughts and feelings in that give and receive exchange that are gonna fire off for both of you. And even if you have a sheet of paper and you start making a note of some of the other topics or feelings or emotions that have started to pop out as we've talked about it, write them down and then we can come back to them. We can take a break, or we can continue the conversation. Both are available, but we don't want to start talking about too many things at once. Otherwise it really starts to muddy the communication. We don't make progress with any of them. Okay, so back to these. I call them building blocks of communication. They really are what we do with words. Okay, so the first thing we do is we share personal statements of truth. This is how I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. And it makes sense to me. May not make sense to you, but I want to share those with you. So that's a personal statement of truth. I'm feeling, I'm noticing.

This is what's coming up for me.

Yes, yes.

Could you expand more? I'm not understanding. Please help me understand.

No way. You're getting ahead of yourself.

Okay. So I tend to do that.

Just personal statements of truth are things that are happening inside of me. I'm either thinking these or feeling these. That's one building block. The second one would be advocating. Advocating means this is something that's really important to me. I want to help you understand why it's important to me. I want to advocate for this because I feel like for me it would be either a huge contribution, a huge gift, or something that I just need to know that you understand about me. And so we tend to advocate. So that's another building block, advocating for things that are important and valuable to us. And then you went to questions. And questions are the powerhouse of communication. They really are. They help us accomplish so much. But questions are a huge part of communication. Building blocks. Okay, just like you said, tell me more.

Please, please help me understand. That's what I love. Because you can put that in front of or behind almost anything and it's going to. It's not going to incite. I like to say that's coming from a place of invitation. So you're asking to Be invited into someone's experience versus condemning or blaming or shaming. It will render a very different experience.

Yeah, questions are also, and we'll talk about this in another minute, but questions are very, very powerful because they can help us do lots of things in communication. They're truly my favorite form of getting to the places of understanding. And then we have just sharing. Sharing is different than personal statements of truth because I'm just very, very relaxed sharing where I go, what comes up and some fun memories or someone hopes and dreams. Sharing would be the communication block when we're dreaming or we're visioning where we're talking about just what might be possible. Right. There's this natural place of sharing that comes up for us and then there's agreements. And agreements are places where we go, okay, I'm willing to do this. Are you willing to do this? Check, check. There's a validating check. Check there. We communicate in agreement forms too. I want you to agree to these things. Would you be willing to. Yep, yep. And then there's the affirmation part, which affirmations we love. That's fairy dust. That's a reassurance. It's I appreciate you, I acknowledge you, you mean the world to me. That's pretty much it. What is that? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Six building blocks where in my communication, I'm doing probably one of those six. And so I only share that with you to just help us become more mindful about what's the intent of the communication and what are we trying to accomplish here? What are my options? Right. If we're going to metaphorically paint a picture or sit down and have a conversation, what do I want to accomplish is going to help you decide what building block you need to use at what given moment.

So you're reading my mind. So I was saying, so those building blocks, depending on the flow of the conversation, is how we. And as more that we practice how we can pull from those various building blocks.

Yeah. What do I need to do here? Do I need to ask a question? Do I need to advocate? Is there a personal statement of truth that I need to share? Are we just sharing for the sake of sharing and having a little fun with that? Am I attempting to create an agreement with you? Right. That's what's driving this. Or do I just need to stop and just let you know I love you and then we're going to get through this And I know this is hard, but it's going to be okay? So those are the building blocks where Depending on what's playing out, you can select one.

I know the answer to this question, but the more that we practice, the more that we're going to have fluidity and ease to know which building block we need to pull from in real time.

I also want to touch on the external experiences that very quickly, especially when we're sharing and trying to focus in the communication power, focus on the communication part we become completely unaware of, which is going to be tone of voice and facial expressions. Okay? So those add to the communication, or shall we say the firing off of where I go inside of myself through the communication that we're attempting to accomplish.

So in fact, those we. I know you cite, we can not even have words. But those external experiences can be incredibly influential at how things are going without any words.

You don't have to use a word.

A raise of an eyebrow can say.

A whole bunch of things. Oh, I know what you're saying. Do you? I mean, that's where I go, go. But I probably really don't know what you're saying. And so if tone of voice and like, facial expressions are part of what breaks down your communication in your relationship right now, I want you to know and understand that the person who's probably having the tone of voice problem or the expression problem is completely unaware of how that is affecting you.

So how am I. Let's say you were. I was doing that and I wasn't aware of that. What might you say in a way that's going to work to help me realize that that's impacting you?

I would own it. I would own it and say, gosh, the tone of voice that you're using right now is making it really difficult for me to listen. I wouldn't say, oh, and there's your tone of voice again. Oh, I can't. Oh, we can't ever get anywhere because you won't manage your tone of voice. The problem with that is the person who is experiencing the tone of voice doesn't know what tone of voice you're talking about because it doesn't hit them or affect them the way that it does you. So we have to take responsibility for that. Remember, if I'm the one that's feeling it or thinking it, it's a message for me, and it may or may not apply over there. So I would say, gosh, it's. I'm really having a difficult time listening to the tone of voice. Can we play around with that for a minute? Because I really want to hear what you have to say that Would keep the conversation and us engaged in the pursuit of us. Without blaming you for your tone of voice. Okay, I'm punishing you for your tone of voice. And nine times out of 10, the person who has the tone of voice doesn't know they have the tone of voice. And they certainly don't know what tone of voice to use. That's not going to fire you off because that's not anything they have a gauge on. And sometimes too, the facial expressions are the same way. Right. I have these reactions that then, yes, have an interplay, but I don't really know that I'm going to do it before I'm doing it.

How about if we do know if, if we do know, that eyebrow raise or that's tone of voice is going to probably incite. But as you as the receiver, do you want to give your partner your the benefit of the doubt to not try to go down the same rabbit hole we go?

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Are you using that facial expression and that tone of voice intentionally? I would just call it out because it is doing what it typically does. And if we want to continue practicing the conversation or the communication style, if it's about us, we can talk about it, we can dance with it. But the minute you cross the line and blame them for it.

So give me. So rather than okay, no, you're using that tone of voice and you, each of you've got very strong pathways, so to speak. Let's say you say, God, could you please use a different tone of voice? Because we both understand that that really triggers me. Would that be a way you could approach that?

Yes, but rarely. What I want to drive home here is the person who's doing the facial expressions and the tone of voice is very rarely going to be on purpose. The thing about tone of voice and facial expressions is it's usually a reaction to what's being said as the conversation and the communication starts to pick up. That's where my tone of voice, because I'm trying to be heard or I'm trying to talk over you, or I'm getting all spun up inside and I don't feel like I'm making any progress. Those are the places where tone of voice will get louder and louder and louder. It's like this natural reaction I think all of us can relate to when somebody speaks a different language and we talk louder in order to get. That's going to help us understand. It doesn't. But everybody does it, right? Every human being on the planet. When we don't understand what Somebody else is saying, because it's a different language, literally will increase our tone of voice. And we do that when we feel like we're not making any progress being heard or we're feeling dismissed or we're reacting to what's being said. Tone of voice and facial expressions are going to come into the mix, and so they typically happen out of reaction. And I don't know I'm doing it until I did it. I was. Yeah.

How about the wonderful condescension? You're so condescending. We can kind of weaponize that one. So let's say I realize I slipped into that. Okay.

And then I call you out on a. Gosh, you're coming across for me pretty condescending. Is that what you're intending?

Okay, okay, that's good.

Is that what you're intending to do? If so, I think I'm gonna have to pause. I don't want to go down that.

Road because we've all been, I think, on both sides of that interplay, and neither one I feel really very good. But that one's for me. You're a condescending. You know what? You know, and that's not very nice on either end.

I again, just call it out. That's step one of our communication framework that again, you'll find on the communication cheat sheet. Calling it out is very empowering because I'm just sharing with you what I am experiencing. I'm not blaming you for it. I'm just saying, hey, you're coming across for me pretty condescending right now. Is that intentional? Because we need to address that because I'm going to start to react and lose my own ability to do an emotional pushup to continue to listen in that give and receive. Okay. So we want to address it. Not blame it, not attack you, but just name it, call it out.

Gotcha.

Absolutely. So I hope that helps. With tone of voice and facial expressions. They're usually 9 times out of 10 reactions to. But they're big security.

But they're big. You said there's that raise of the eyebrow. You know, I mean, a raise of an eyebrow. You think, wow, think about. That's just one little piece on your face. Just one of them going up.

I don't know that I've ever asked you this question before. Do I have something that I do in my facial expression?

I don't notice that, but I've had people share with me that I could be looked pretty stern sometimes. Pretty serious.

Stoic.

Yeah. Serious, serious. Yeah.

You do have an Intensity about you, for sure. It's kind of sexy. Anyway, we're getting off track. All right, let's complete and wrap this up again. These are just a couple of thoughts and different little frameworks and ways of thinking about communication that I hope that you're finding helpful. There's an awareness about how I use these building blocks, and the simplest form I could think of to put it in is an awareness of. I speak, I share something. I speak. And then I check in about how that landed. I'm checking in because I know that in the transference of the words that I used, the receiver of those words can go all kinds of different places. Okay. So I check in.

That's because we're all. Remember. We're all having our own movie.

Right.

So there's. That would be the demonstration of that. We have to remember that. Even though, like, how would you go there with what I just said? I. That's just how it goes.

Yes. Remember the exercise that we've done a couple of times on Monday night class where we show a picture or a word and everybody comes up with a different interpretation?

Incredible amount of variety.

Oh, thank goodness. Yes. And so I'm gonna speak, and then I'm gonna be mindful and aware of checking in. How did that land? And that's where I am checking for tone of voice or facial expressions, because if I get a higher tone of voice or some contorted thing as a reaction, I'm going to probably ask a question right there. I'm going to say, how did that land for you? Or what's coming up for you? What did you take away from what I just said? There's a place of checking in there that I want to just account for. And then I'm going to be able to adjust which will be the next piece, you know. No, I didn't mean it like that. I meant it like this. And allow for the communication because of all the variety of ways it could be interpreted and all the places we could go based on our past experiences. Adjust for. No, I didn't mean it like that. I meant it more like this. Or, gosh, I'm sorry you had your feelings hurt. I didn't mean to do that. Here's what I'm attempting to accomplish. And that adjustment is where we can do that. Do over really, really fast. And then when I've done that, I speak, I check in, I adjust, I make sure that we're somewhere the same ballpark. Then it's my turn to listen. When I'm adjusting to what's coming up for you and where you go and what you want to add and what you think could be a potential remedy with those building blocks, those different building blocks that we talked about. So it's literally four steps. I speak, I check in, I adjust and then I listen and we go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth because then we can correct the communication in real time. Don't sit on it, don't wait. We spend too much time there rather than blow up adjustments. And that adjustment can be that window of neutrality that I hope you're using. Wow. Okay, I've spoken, I've checked in. I'm not quite sure how to navigate myself through this. Let's pause and then I'm gonna do some exploration and understanding with inside of myself so that when I do come back I can share again from that. Call it out. Sharing space with inside of myself. Okay. Anything you wanna add there?

I would just say I heard you correctly. Then if we forget everything, remember I would assert a power of a pause is always. Usually will. I would say or a hundred percent will give us the opportunity rather than a escalation and a full blown meltdown.

Fair and I, we don't want to do that because then it sacrifices the emotional safety that we've been.

Remember, push in that proverbial pause button. Then we can always. That's going to slow everything down. Right. And many times we need to do that. And so you, you can just push in the pause, ask for a pause and then remember to come back to it. But I think all of us can remember. Okay, I need a pause. And then that's going to keep. You will stop this escalation. And oftentimes where we go to race to the bottom. Yeah, we don't want that to happen.

Yeah, perfect. So here's just really quickly a couple of super tips to keep in mind when you're thinking about communication that are really important to understand and keep top of of mind. And the first one is remember everyone has their own movie because we forget so easily. Especially when we add some emotion to it that's playing out in real time.

I would say the more for me the more passion, the more that like how would you not see that this way? How would you not see it this way? So the more passion, the more you feel like you're right. I would say the more chance that someone is having a very different experience.

Yes, well said. Absolutely. Don't talk for someone else or tell them what they're thinking or feeling.

That's a deal.

Big one. At best, you are guessing and you're also preventing them from being able to emotionally digest and validate themselves. That's why it does not work. It's not necessarily about what's being said. It's about the need we all have inside of us as a human being to know. I said it because it literally is how as a human being, I emotionally digest the thoughts and feelings that are happening inside of me. And if you're doing all the talking that I'm just left with it as though it was unspoken at all. So don't take that opportunity away from somebody. And again, when you're talking for somebody, you're guessing. At best, you might have the narrative about what's playing out incorrect, which we do. And then you're going to build on that as though it's all right and it's not. So you want to be sure that you've got those out. And don't talk for someone else. Don't do that. Let them talk it out. Even though you know where they're going, let them have that moment to know they've said it. That's important. Number three is when sharing own how you think and feel. It's the way you think and feel. Nobody else may feel and think that way. So don't blame your thoughts and feelings on others. If you're feeling it, it's a message for you. And that's also where we tip over into blaming you for triggering or firing off some reaction inside of myself, like with a tone of voice or like the words you used. Remember, this is about you owning you. And that's your best place to come from when trying to share and communicate with others. Okay. And then the next one is sincere questions. They are the powerhouse of communication. Questions provide an invitation for another person into the conversation. I'd love to know what's coming up for you. Would you share that with me? That's a question. It also allows for deeper exploration. Wow. Tell me more about that. Would you be willing to tell me more, please? I am brainstorming of solutions. What do you think about this idea? What do you think about this idea? What do you think about modeling this after the last round that we had? Those help us find solutions. It's a form of also just being able to explore deeper conversations. Brainstorm remedies, invite people into conversations. It's also a way of making sure everyone does their own emotional pushup. I'd like to know how you're thinking or I'd like to know how I can support you with that. Come and get me when you're ready. Those are all forms of powerful questions that you can absolutely use. They're my favorite. Absolutely. I just want to say, when you're being asked a question here, just as a little side note to questions, when you say I don't know, that's a form of shutting the conversation down because you're not adding to the conversation when you're invited to do so. It's really kind of a cop out.

I think it's a huge cop out. And I think a lot of us, we've used that successfully because we think, well, I know how to get out of this one. I'm just going to say I don't know. And come on, take a guess.

It literally affects your relationship. Just like attack, I attack. To shut it down. I don't know is a form of just shutting it down. There's. What do you do with somebody who says I don't know? You can't go anywhere with it. So there's no way you're ever going to get to the sought after form of communication, which is us, because nobody's participating, nobody's showing up and contributing to the us. And so it flatlines and gets really frustrating very, very fast.

Yeah, I would say that's one that we all have in our repertoire. Hopefully it's in the older set of tools because it's pretty well recognized universally. If I use that, then that's gonna. Yeah, we're gonna. We're able to move on and. No, you won't. There could be a deferment, but it's not. There's no ultimate move on from an I don't know.

And then the last one I'm gonna share with you is the window of neutrality. Remember, we touched on that already. But just to say, look, a pause is. This is the music between the notes. It is the space between the notes that makes the music. And so don't be afraid of using a pause when you need to. Just be mindful of coming back around and picking the conversation back up again. It's good for everybody to let things settle and get a little more clear about what it is I want to say or do or ask for. Advocate for back to those building blocks or questions I want to ask. I had some clarity with agreements that I want to venture to a window of neutrality or the brake pedal is really, really important and helpful so you don't have to be afraid. If it doesn't go well in that adjustment step, then we can also Use that as the option. I think that might be.

That's a wrap.

That's. I know we threw a lot at you. Just some thoughts. Top of mind when you say, hey, help us understand communication. I would love to hear how this landed for you. I would love to hear some of your takeaways. Like if I were to ask each of you who watch this video, what are some of your biggest takeaways personally from this, please do me a favor and put them in the chat because it's going to help me know where we need to drill down better in communication in this conversation, but is also going to inspire others. Oh wow. That was a great take. Oh, wow. I didn't. Yeah, I didn't take that away. I took this away. That's where we get to really benefit from the ways we take different thoughts, feelings and perspectives from any conversation. That's the value. We don't want somebody who's the same. We want to be able to share what it is we think and feel and take away from conversations like this. So please, please share it. It's really important, it's really valuable and it will help the whole community. So yeah, that coupled with who do you think you are as far as a communication style? What do you identify with here? And then what are some of the biggest takeaways from this conversation? What resonated with you the most? And then that's going to help us know where we want to drill down and do more as well as be a gift to the community.

We hope that you found these perspectives and tips enlightening. Remember, understanding and improving how we communicate is a journey, not a destination. It's all about recognizing our patterns, making conscious choices and doing some of those good old fashioned emotional push ups as we continuously strive to connect better with ourselves and our loved ones. Practice, practice, practice. Our Follow the fun. Today is a question to inspire conversations. It's a card from our Conversations for Connection deck. And the question I have for you today that will inspire some incredible conversation is if you could travel back in time to be with any person from history, who would it be? I want you to think for yourself.

Who would it be for you?

And then this question, yes, will help open conversations that create connection, that build safety, that then lead to having the ability to have deeper conversations about the challenges that you need to solve. So many times, as you know, we get that backwards. We're trying to solve the big issues before we build a little bit of connection. That's why these questions are so helpful. Again, if you could travel back in time to be with any person from history. Who would it be? Share that Open up some conversations with not only the person that you're longing to connect deeply with, but check it out with your kids, your friends, your co workers, people around you. It's a great question to explore a lot about a person with just one simple question. And if by chance you want more questions like these, you can purchase a deck of conversation cards for yourself by going to staceybartley.com our song today is from Teddy Swims. His song Will you find me in his song, which is beautiful by the way, he says, I'm trying to be an optimist, but will it find me? And of course he's talking about love and the fact that his partner is going to contemplate coming home. We want to hear from you what resonated with you the most from this training? Which communication style do you relate to the most? Share your thoughts and experiences with us. We would love to hear your insights not only help us know where to focus our future episodes, but also inspire and support others. If you've enjoyed this episode and want to dive deeper, we also invite you to join our Better Love Club. Here you can access our Communication Cheat Sheet, packed with practical frameworks and specific words to help you navigate conversations with ease and confidence. After all, as I've already said, practice makes perfect, and with time, these new ways of communicating will feel natural for you too. Hey, thank you so much for being here with me today and Tom and Brooke. And just a quick reminder, if you're enjoying our podcast, please subscribe and leave us a review. Your feedback helps us reach more people and share the love. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on, ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast Podcast thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.