#188: Why Your Partner Doesn’t Just ‘Know’ What You Need – And What to Do About It

Ever feel like your partner should just know how to love you without you having to spell it out? And if they don't, might it mean things like they don't truly love and care about you? Unfortunately, this is a very common belief. The idea that if our partners truly cared, they'd instinctively know how to meet our needs and how to love us best. This often leads to deep frustration and resentment, which builds a pile of unmet expectations. Expectations for both parties. You might feel unheard, misunderstood, dismissed, even taken advantage of, even worse, neglected, which can create painful emotional gaps in your relationship. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for those at a relationship's crossroads, facing daily conflicts and a growing emotional distance, and yearning to rebuild a bond that feels genuine and lasting. I'm Stacy Bartley, and I'm joined with my co host and lover, Tom, and our daughter, Brooke Tony. Together, we're here to guide you on this journey today. Is it really ridiculous and unromantic to tell your partner what you need, or is it essential for a healthy relationship? Today, we're uncovering the truth about teaching our partners how to love you best and why it's so important. If you've ever felt unheard or misunderstood in your relationship, stay with us. We'll debunk some common misconceptions, share some real stories, and provide actionable steps to help you and your partner connect on a deeper level. So whether you're feeling like constantly waiting for your partner to meet your needs, or you're feeling like what you are giving is never good enough, this episode is for you. Let's jump in and get started.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

It's a concept why we need to teach our partners how to love us best. Is it true? Is it really on me? Or when I truly fall in love with my soulmate or find my person, we'll be able to complete each other's sentences. They'll just know what I need intuitively, and they'll essentially be able to step in and read my mind, and that's how I will know that this is my person.

Could be a long wait. I'm not trying to be the bearer of bad news.

And I feel like a lot of times in the beginning of relationships, they take guesses and they're correct. So you feel like, oh, God, I got it. I've found the love that I'm looking for. And then slowly that goes away, and you're like, oh, I guess I didn't. And it's such a fallacy that we are Here to break today.

Hopefully you'll find that what we have to share with you today will bring hope, actually, and joy and, shall I say, reality back into the mix of what an. A healthy expectation of your partner really is. Because, you know, that's the tragedy in it as we start thinking that these expectations are based in reality when they really aren't. So that's kind of where we're going to begin, is we're going to debunk some common misconceptions and explore the truths behind why communicating our needs is essential for healthy relationships. And you're all going to say, oh, my gosh, Stace, it's so unromantic. I shouldn't have to do this. Almost as though it needs the stamp of organic relationship, organic substance. So if I have to say it, if I have to ask you for it, if I have to allow it to be known, well, then it's not authentic. I can't tell you when I teach this to my private clients how often I get that response. And I say, okay, it might not be authentic or organic, but here's the deal. If you don't have a clue, then what do you do? Wouldn't it be better to give somebody the recipe and let them learn it? Or do you want to just let them flounder in the wilderness until they figure it out you may not make it. So you know what? If I were you, I'd take the recipe. I'd want to learn it and know it and memorize it and perfect it, knowing that when my partner is struggling, when my partner needs something from me, a couple of things are going to happen. Number one, they're going to let me know so that I don't have to be on hyper alert wondering if they're okay today that I can trust and know they're going to come say, I'm hurting. I need some help, I need some support. I got a problem. And number two, they're going to have the wherewithal to say, this is what I need. Would you be willing to do that instead of me trying to figure that out? Because here's the reality. As a human being, I can barely figure that out for myself sometimes. And you're asking me to do that now for a partner that I don't even have access to, the thoughts and feelings like the intel that's streaming into us day in and day out as a human being. Are you kidding me right now? Like, if I can't make sense of me having access to the intel, and even that sometimes is difficult to sort through and figure out. You're asking me to do that for somebody I don't have any access to other than a. A few little details of maybe body language and tone of voice to work with. And I'm supposed to knock that shit out of the park. And I tell you, you're crazy. There's no way I'm going to be successful with that.

Well, and the good news is I share this often. If we can get you to a place to have this synchronicity with your partner, that recipe is shared, if you will. And then you're committed to hearing it and implementing it and getting really good at delivering it.

Like.

Like sign me up. I don't have to guess what someone is thinking because I don't have to read somebody's mind. How often do we hear out on wherever social media. I can't read his or her mind. Yeah, guess what? None of us can read anybody's mind. So why don't we just ask or why don't we just freely and easily and simply share? I think, heck yeah. I mean, Stacy's giving me the exact recipe. And guess what? It changes all the time too. That recipe is going to change, and if it does, well, then take the new one on and get good at implementing that one. Like beautiful. I mean, it's not rocket science.

We all have a person who's like really good at gift giving in our lives. And I just want to point out that most of the time it's not because they're a mind reader. It's because they listen.

Very good point.

Because they're not creating these amazing gifts based off of nothing. They're listening to the times where you've said you wanted something and then they give that to you. So it's the same thing. But for some reason we hold them so differently. Like, oh, you. You thought of this incredible gift to give me.

Yeah.

Because I've listened to what you've said you've wanted and then I delivered that. It's so funny that we. We just think of it so differently when. No, that could be happening in your relationship too. But a lot of times we withhold what we want and what we need and what we think we deserve because we're waiting for our partner to deliver it to us.

It will feel like the magic that Brooke just described with the gift giving. If we get good at this, it really will be that powerful. I can promise you, because I experience it, Stacy and I do all the time. Like you knocked it out of the park well, you.

Because you.

You've been sharing the recipe with me for 13 years.

Let's break this down a little further, shall we? No one but you truly understands how you feel and what it is you need. Oh, I know that's kind of like meh. Because sometimes I've been in a position where I really want somebody to figure out what I feel and what I need and help me feel better because I can't figure out how to do it for myself. So I'd really like to pass the baton and go figure it out. I'm tired of this. But the unfortunate piece is that each and every one of us, that's work only we can do. Me being able to understand my own thoughts, feelings and emotions and then translate them into a language that first I can understand is work that only I can do. Nobody can do that for me. Not a lover, not a child, not a parent, not a best friend. And. And sometimes that's the frustrating part about relationships, because I can love and care about you so much. But if you don't have the ability to do that for yourself as a person who loves you, I. I can't do much for you. I can take some wild guesses in regards to, you know, what I might need in a similar situation by imagining myself in that same situation as you describe it to me. But I'll still really never know what it's like for you to be in that place. And each of us come from different experiences and places and spaces in our lives. So my past experiences and my desires and the things that I'm pursuing as an individual might be different than yours, which is then going to change how a person might experience any given moment. And so this idea that we. We know because everybody feels the way that I do, or we know because I've been through it, or we know because this is my association with it, and so that should be widespread for everyone is a faulty illusion. It makes sense to you, but so often it's not going to make sense to others. And yet we hold it as though it should, and it must. And this is a difficult thing to wrap our head around sometimes. So, yes, the way you see it is valid. But trust and know it's not going to apply to the masses. In fact, very often it won't. And so if we don't take the responsibility and put in the effort of being able to translate my own thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that first I can understand within me, we don't have a prayer chance in hell of our partners Understanding us, because that is work only you can do. And they might take a guess. And I hear lots of couples say, gosh, I don't know what to do. I keep trying this and it's just not enough. And I can't get it right. And there's always something wrong with it. There's always something that I can't figure out. And there's always something I missed or something that they told me would work, and then they tell me it does, and I'm so confused. And that is someone who's willing to contribute but has no clarity about what their partner needs. And that usually stems because the partner themselves are trying to control and manage things instead of understand themselves and what they need that I've actually given that there's a management of self, there's an understanding and a regulation of self. Self that needs to happen, and nobody can do that for you but you. Again, this is work that only we can do. So we try and manage our partners to help ourselves feel better. We believe that the way I think and feel applies to the masses, which it doesn't, and that the remedy I need in order to feel emotionally better should be obvious when it's not. And so you start to see the setup for a tremendous amount of disappointment and conflict here. Okay? So I, as a human being that have access to my internal thoughts, feelings, and emotions, need to be able to do what I call digest that down and figure out what it is I need. And to put this in terms that we can all relate to, I love to put it into the physical, and I love to use the simple metaphor of I have a headache. Now, when it comes to physical, we can wrap our head around that kind of stuff a lot easier than we can the emotional stuff. If I have a headache, I would know that. If I have a headache, Tom probably doesn't. That makes sense to me. I wouldn't expect him to have a headache because I have a headache. But yet, just think about where we do that emotionally. If I'm feeling sad, well, then I expect you to feel sad too, because this is a sad situation. What? Hold on. Timeout. Let's go back to our physical analogy. I have a headache, and the way I have a headache and the reasons I have a headache may not have a headache or create a headache for you. Same with the emotional pieces. Okay? And what I need to remedy my headache might be very different than what you need to remedy a headache. And we can wrap our head around that, can't we? And I could even describe to You. My headache. Like, I could go into, like, excruciating detail. Oh, it's behind my eyes. And then it runs down the back of my neck, and I feel this pounding, sharp pain that's in my neck. And even though you might sit and listen to me going, huh, huh? Okay, got it. Okay. You said eyes. You said back ahead. You said neck. I got it. The reality is you still don't have a headache. You're still trying to imagine with me what it would be like to have a headache. And the best you're going to be able to do for me is, what can I do for you? How can I support you? What do you need? I still don't have a headache. And I don't understand how you got one either. I mean, I could throw out some ideas, but they may or may not work for you. What do you think? But if I knew what I needed to remedy my headache. You know what, babe? I need that cup of coffee and that incredible chocolate donut from Duncan's. Or, you know what, babe? I just need a dark room and to be quiet for a minute. Or, you know what, babe? I need a glass of water and a couple of etc. And could you do that for me? Well, then you could knock it out of the park, couldn't you? But not until. If I just went on and on and on about my headache and how hard it hurt and that you're so insensitive and you're not compassionate because you won't do these things that I'm hoping you do, whether it's a shut the hell up or get me my glass of water and my et cetera or rub my back or my neck, and I'm just sitting around going, well, that's what we do in my family. Everybody knows that. And I wait and I wait and I wait. You can see where I could get spun up pretty easily because you don't know how to remedy my headache. Now, think about how we handle that with our emotional pain. We do all of those things, don't we? I expect you to understand what it feels like or why I'm hurting. I also expect you to know what the remedy is and apply it and give it to me as quickly as possible. Especially if you love me and you care about me when you might be so busy dealing with some stuff internally for yourself, you haven't even considered such things. You may not even be aware of the fact that I'm struggling, that I'm spinning in anxiety or depression or fear. You might not even know or recognize that I'm emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed from taking care of the house and the kids and work and my boss. Because you're so busy trying to cope and deal yourself.

Or maybe I've gotten it wrong so many times that I'm scared to try again.

It's. It's this place where if we don't learn how to resource from within, I. E. Translate my thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that first I can understand and then be able to advocate for ourselves, we are going to continue to get unmet emotional needs as our overall experience in our relationships.

And let me just. I think it's a point of important distinction. Advocate is much different than demand leverage. Course I love that word because we don't hear it very often. But that's very different emotional experience than what I just described. And I'm not blaming anyone, but oftentimes, here's what I need and man, we launch out and we attack with those. That's not how this works. Not what we're sharing here. Okay, so really think about. It's a very important quality for us, but that's much different than what we typically resort to.

We get tripped up because emotion is invisible and we think that if I feel this way, everybody should feel this way, that it's a universal thing. So we make up all kinds of things that are simply not true. So it's important that we treat our emotional pain just like we do our physical. If I'm the one that's struggling, that's okay, but what do I need in order to remedy it? I can get help and support with that, but I can't expect somebody to know if I'm not willing to disclose that. And even if I disclose it once and expect you to know, I probably am going to have a really difficult time as a human being hanging onto it because it's not a place I go, it's not a place I really understand. So how often do you need to ask for a remedy even though it might be the same remedy consistently, you know, over a period of time, very often, every time. Because I can't expect you to keep track of that for me. It's nice if you do and you remember, but if we could just remember what a hot mess we all are throughout our days and. And how tough that is sometimes on us to just emotionally manage ourselves. And then I feel responsible for having to manage my partner too. It's too much. It's overwhelming. Managing myself is a full time job for all of us. So please don't expect me to manage you too, because then I can't sustain my own sense of well being.

So give us an example about, like, what would that sound like? Say as much as you and I are in sync, if you will, on this practice, meaning, like, we're very good about advocating for each other. Today you're not feeling all that great. What would be a quick reminder, a quick request, a quick advocation for what it is you're struggling with towards me? What would that sound like?

Well, I already did it. Would you mind setting up today or would you mind getting the glass of water? Or could you just come over and give me a hug? Could you pat me on the back and tell me we got this? All of those things might be remedies for me that are helping me manage my own emotional sense of wellbeing. And it could be lots of different things, but it's okay to ask for words that we want to hear, reassurance that we long for acts of service that we find would be helpful. And then just a few moments ago, since we're in real time here, you've been so helpful in getting set up and supporting me today. And when we had to refill our water glasses, I thought, I want to do this for you. And I didn't expect you to do it and do it and do it and do it again. So there was a desire to contribute back too, just so that, you know, hey, I'm willing to contribute in here too. And I think very often our relationships get a bit lopsided there, where we get used to somebody doing for us that then we expect and anticipate it to always be the case. And then there's that lack of appreciation that comes behind it, because in the practice of life, anything that becomes same or similar, we stop seeing, we stop paying attention to, and then we just take it for granted. And that's just a human trait. It's not because we're insensitive or malicious or don't care. It's that sometimes it just becomes so expected that I forget that it's something that you're having to contribute or continue to put out for me. And I want to be mindful of those things. So that's just a sense and an awareness that we can develop over time. If you contribute to me, well, then how can I contribute back to you? It even shows up in our communication with each other where we'll sit down and, you know, we'll start exchanging the events of the day, so to speak, while you've been away. And I've been away and everybody's doing their thing, whatever that is. And one person will sit down and unload their day for their partners. And there's never thought of, well, how was your day? What happened for you? And so our relationships can get exceptionally lopsided in this way, where one person feels like they're doing all the work and putting in all the effort, and the other person is taking all of that contribution for granted.

So be mindful of this sense of exchange, just the same as in other parts of the universe, when there's an imbalance of that exchange. When it's lopsided, there usually is some type of a correction that will happen. So, you know, I mean, Stacy's always been. I mean, from the first time I met her, would be incredible at what she just described. Like, not too long after she had shared what was going on, she'd say, well, enough about me, you know, share with me what's happened in your day, and think, wow, I've never had anyone ask me that before. You know, I mean, so, you know, this is all playing out in real time every day. This is how it works for all.

Of us, and that's just an awareness that we want to develop. Okay, so just think about it. And this is a place where gratitude and the sense of gratitude could really help us. What are the things that you're grateful for and what are the things that, if your partner wasn't around, you notice that you start to miss. Imagine yourself in that place. Those are the places and spaces where your partner contributes to you. And then just ask yourself a sincere, honest question, you know, do I contribute into. Not from a place of beat up, but it also gives you some ideas and a conversation, more importantly, about how to meet our emotional needs that you could bring to the table and have with your partner. Hey, I noticed you do all these things for me when I was sitting around talking about it today because of this podcast that I've been listening to. And I want to know what it is you appreciate that I contribute to our relationship. And as if there. Is there anything that I could contribute that would support and help you more, because that's where I want to come from. We don't have those conversations. In fact, if you are a listener and you've had this conversation in your relationship, I would love to hear from you. And I'm going to bet 99% of us don't have conversations like this. The conversations are conversations like this. Instead, we need to talk. You know what? I'm sick and tired of Doing all this stuff for you and you don't do shit around here. When are you going to start ponying up and contributing? Because I'm sick of it. I've had enough. I'm exhausted here. I'm overwhelmed. And that's the conversation we typically bring to the table when we feel like we've had enough. And so just as an example, Tom said advocating would be, hey, you know what I'm noticing? I feel really overwhelmed and. And I'm feeling emotionally taxed. Would you be open to us rearranging some of the duties of the household and stuff? Because I don't think I'm going to make it. Yeah. What do you need? Tell me what that would look like, you know, Again, give me the recipe. Well, and.

And the second version of what Stacy just, you know, demoed there for us, she was asking her partner to be invited into her place of frustration and overwhelmed rather than blame and accusation. And what we typically do. Again, this is not a place to say who's right and who's wrong or you're. You're not doing it right. It's simply to help us understand these things that we talk about often are not that big as far as the words we use and such. It's simply the sequence and how we step into them. I always remind people when I'm on our clarity calls, it's a different emotional experience for you when you're invited somewhere versus when you're told you have to be somewhere and without question. And the hundreds and hundreds I've done, oh, my gosh, it's so much different when I'm invited versus when I'm told, well, bingo. And so it is with us, with each other. If we can invite and ask to be invited into our special someone's life, it's going to be so much different for them and for us versus being.

Told, yeah, well, and we've touched on the principle of contrast here already a couple of times in this episode. And I just want to bring it up again. I want to reiterate that things we become familiar with, that we anticipate and expect because they happen so consistently over time, are things that we are becoming slowly unaware of. And this is how some partner in the relationship can be doing all of these things. And at first it was no big deal. I got it. I'm happy to contribute it into the relationship. And I become accustomed to that. And slowly but surely my awareness around everything you do falls away. Not because I'm insensitive, not because I don't care but because that's how it works. It becomes normalized in our experience. And then I have all of my stuff that I do too. And I think if you don't say anything, that's I'm knocking it out of the park. And that becomes our thing, our deal. And then when we approach it from a place of, you know, penalty and blame, like, somehow you should know, gosh, when are you going to jump in and help me here? You know, can't you see I'm drowning? And you go, oh, whoa, okay, I didn't know. I didn't. I'm sorry, I wasn't aware. I didn't know. And then you can start to see how it becomes this punitive experience where everybody starts to feel bad and blamed. We start pointing fingers about who should know and who should be doing it certain way when we could really bypass that. The crux of what I want you to hear, we could really bypass all of that by just saying, I'm struggling. This thing I'm doing. I used to love to contribute into the relationship, but it's not working for me anymore. I need some help. Would you help me? Here's some ideas I have. Could you help me with this and this and this? Would you be willing to. And then we can have an honest conversation about that. If my partner goes, well, I've got all of this on my plate too. Well, then that just tells me that they're feeling overwhelmed as well. And then we need to find a safe place to share our overwhelm instead of feeling like, now I'm obligated to pick up all of this. Gosh, the conversation could very, very much be, I'm struggling too. I've got all of this on my plate too. Can we be in the same place or do we need to compete about who has the most? Oh, we don't. If you're struggling and I'm struggling, well, then let's talk about and understand the struggle. And then let's reevaluate what we could do differently from there. It doesn't mean that I have to obligate you to do these things either. It means together we need to lean in and find a way to navigate through them together. And we will never know to the degree that we struggle or that we're hurting. We'll never know what the remedy truly is unless the person who's experiencing it can figure that out for themselves. Then they can ask for help and support. But as a support role in a partnership, that is the best I can give you. I can't do all those first few steps for you. I would love to be able to and I can try, but nine times out of 10, I'm going to get it wrong unless you help. And so this is why it's so important for us to realize how empowering it is for us. If we'll just take the responsibility for our own sense of well being and do that initial piece of here's my thoughts and feelings. Here's what I think a remedy would be that would work for me. What do you think? We could have a conversation about the remedies and getting the help and support that we need from our partners. One of the most empowering questions that you can bring to the table. When somebody is saying, I'm struggling, I'm hurting, I don't know what to do. Help me understand how I can support you. Because in reality, as a support person, that's all I can give you. That's all I can offer you. Oh, now that we've given you some of the communication parts and pieces, let's dismantle and debunk some of the myths around this that we can commonly get stuck in. Like these are ideas and beliefs that we bring to the surface and go, Stacy, Tom and Brooke has been great. I hear what you're saying, but what about this one? It doesn't certainly apply here. Oh, okay. Well, let's just see. Maybe not. Let's go on a little exploration here together and let's just talk about some of these beliefs that we have around what we've just shared and see if what we've just shared truly applies. Dale, how about this one? Love should be effortless. What the heck happened? Why do I got to do all.

This to pick the wrong person?

It must be the wrong person.

I think anything worth doing is not effortless. And I think if you go back and think about the beginning of your relationship, you were putting in so much effort. You were doing everything you possibly could to find times to connect and share little text messages and anything that reminded you of them, you sent it to them. That's effort doesn't have to be miserable. You know, I think we misconstrue the word effort and we think effort means that it's hard in a bad way. No, effort just means that you care and you should care about your relationship and therefore you should put in effort to show your partner that you care. And also you have to put in effort by sharing what you want and need, which is what we're talking about here.

It reminds me of I don't know if the quote is exactly like this. I'm pretty sure it's from Tony Robbins. But if we did what we did in the beginning of our relationship or marriage, there would not be an end, is what Brooke just said. Think about how much the first. Your first dinner together, your first. They're all first. Think about your first special, you know, coffee plate. I mean, come on. How much and how important it is for you to look just right. I mean, think about effort and how much intention is into that.

And if just.

How about if we just continued to do that? It didn't stop. It could change, but it didn't stop. The intention was still there.

I was just gonna say I just had this visual of, like, being an open sponge when we step into relationships. I'm just so open, please tell me everything about you and what makes you tick and how to please you and what do you need? And, like, we're almost begging for it. And then you start to think over time how we start to close up. And then we close up to such a degree that we feel like, I gotta defend myself or protect myself because you're a malicious, you know, fill in the blank. And. And we lose that openness or that willingness to learn, to absorb, to continue that journey.

It's like you're walking around with a coat of armor versus that open sponge. You're like, what the heck happened?

Yeah, well, and. And then sometimes partners choose to go have an affair. And that literally just proves the point we're making, that the affair relationship becomes great because you're putting in all of that effort that you're not putting into your primary relationship at home. So it just proves the point that grass is green where it's watered. It's not that the grass is greener on the other side. It's that the grass is green where you water it. So you'll have the same relationship problems with any new person if you stop putting in the effort.

And it's going to be this ebb and flow of, like, awareness and then forget and then awareness and forget. And that's normal. And so we have to make an intentional effort to come back. And that's why we don't ever want it to be a one and done ask or advocate for these remedies and things that we need for our own sense of emotional right, wellbeing. It has to be an ongoing exploration and conversation. Because I'm changing as a person. My partner is changing. Him or her is changing as a person and our relationship and what we're being called to navigate through is constantly in flux and changing as well. And so we're going to just expect this to all be kind of a set it and forget it. I find my person, I fall in love, and I check the box and go, okay, we're good now. Like, that's never going to work. And it doesn't work. And the more I put on or forecast the layer of obligation on that, instead of talking about this changing need and dynamics that we have personally and collectively, the more there is no life. There is no thriving life pulsating through your relationship. And then we run out of emotional gas and we don't know what to do. And that's where we come to a place of, gosh, I guess this is where I need to let go. And we don't realize that we get there a little bit over time. It feels like all of a sudden I turn around and what happened. But it actually is similar principles to this one work only I can do to tell you what I need and what I want. I need to advocate for that. That's a very important principle, one of many that we teach in our work. And if we don't know these principles, then that's what creates that widening gap in our relationships and in our lives.

I'm on a weight loss journey right now, and I know that I'm going to have to be on this journey for the rest of my life if I want to keep the success that I'm having. So I don't know why we hold relationships in a different light. Meaning if I want to have a positive relationship with Jack, my fiance, for the rest of my life, I'm going to have to keep doing the things that keep it good. It's not that you do them once and then you check the box and you say, okay, I did that thing, and now we're going to be good forever. Just like I do my walk today, but I. I don't do it for the rest of the week because I did it once today. Like, how does that make any sense? But that's how we hold these things in our life. We don't realize that, no, you're gonna have to do the things that your partner likes and loves and that, and they're gonna have to do the thing that you like and love forever. You never reach a point where you're just like, okay, we're in a really good spot. We don't have to do these things anymore to maintain our love. That's where people go wrong. And, yeah, There are times where it's going to be harder to fit those in. And so maybe your relationship will come a little bit disconnected. Just like maybe I go on a vacation and then I come home and it takes me a while to get back on my healthy eating and I gained 10 pounds, but I know I can get back to where I was. I think what people don't realize is that they feel that discomfort and they feel like, oh, God, we're slipping back into our old, our old patterns, our old ways. And then they don't do the work that needs to be done to reconnect. That's the moment, you know, that's the moment where your relationship is like, hey, it's time to pay attention to me. But instead we get resentful and we're like, oh, they're so annoying, or oh, they stop doing the things they said they were going to do. No, that's a conversation that needs to be had. Not a moment where you turn away from each other and start to hate each other, you know, punish each other. Yeah, yeah.

Effort doesn't negate love, it strengthens it by showing commitment and care to the relationship. And we're going to have ebbs and flows. We're going to create messes as Brooke has described. We're going to have places and spaces where there's going to be pain along the way. That's normal. Every relationship has a part and a piece that does not work, that we need to work with. And in working with it, this is where we come to greater understandings inside of ourselves and our partners and relationships overall. Essentially, this is how we improve. Like Brooke said, it's a conversation that we need to have to get back on track. Not one that goes, okay, that's it, you've done it again. That's the final straw. No, what is it that we need to talk about that you're struggling with here that we don't understand? That's why help me understand is such a powerful question. And how can I support you? Would be its follow up. Okay, let's jump into another one. If they really cared, they'd know what I need or they would notice where I'm struggling. Okay. Hmm. Okay. I think we touched on this as we were talking earlier, but let's just say it again for the record. I as a human being get so spun up within myself and call it selfish, call it whatever you want, because me navigating myself and the hot mess that I can turn into is a full time job. And sometimes, to be honest, I Get absorbed in the requirements that are being asked of me from work, from kids, from clients, from bills, from life. And sometimes I don't have any bandwidth to put into any of that. That doesn't make me bad and that doesn't make me a person who doesn't love and doesn't care about you. Makes me a human being that I have days where I'm consumed. And so if I don't notice, please don't hold that against us. Just lovingly point it out and share with me so that I know, bring my awareness back to the place of I'm really struggling right now. Would you lend a hand? Give me a ride? Could you reassure me, you know, make a difference? And that's what I mean when I mean lean in. I'm willing to say, hey, this is where I'm at. I need some help over here. Could you please step in? Are you in a place too? That would be a conversation, as we keep alluding to, because sometimes I love the hell out of you, but I'm so consumed with what I have going on personally, I'm going to miss it. So please don't hold me to that standard. Let me be a human being and when you point it out, I'll do a better job of trying to be mindful of that. But I might forget again. I might again. That doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means that I get spun up internally with myself. Dealing with my own internal conflict is consuming me. Talking about needs feels selfish and unnatural. Yeah, it does. It does. And it's going to. And there's no way I can get you around that other than to let you know and remind you that it's not selfish. And it used to be natural, but it was taught out of us. We used to be really, really good. As a, you know, three to five year old. I want this. I want this. Oh my gosh, can we do it? Can I have it?

Can I?

Please, please, please, please, please. Like that would be the most incredible thing ever. And I want you to see that the asking wasn't the problem as a kid. It was the emotional places that our parents went that did either. I feel like you as a kid just incessantly ask. And I don't feel like you're being grateful for what it is I've already done or as a parent, I have some guilt and shame that comes up because I can't provide you those things that I wish I could because I see you want them so bad and so it's Actually, the parents and their emotional experiences around the ask that cause us to say things like, you think you just get whatever you want. Why aren't you just grateful for the things that you have? I can't believe you're asking for more. No, you can't come to the grocery store. The last time I did, you were a nemesis. You get to stay home. You need to be punished. And so we learned through the process of evolving into the incredible adults that we are, that asking is not okay. And so you know what we ended up becoming instead? Because we still have needs. We still have desires, we still have wants. We learned how to drop a hint. We learned how to obligate you, because I did all of this for you. You need to do this for me now. We learned how to corner you into tripping over yourself. Well, you said we were gonna go. You said, now you're gonna break your promise. We have all kinds of trickster little things that we use in order to get our emotional needs met and our desires and our longings met. And at the heart of it all, it's manipulation tactics. So we, instead of just laying it on the table and asking for what we want and what we need, we turn into little manipulators instead. And then we fight about the manipulations. Well, you do it, too. I didn't mean it like that. So I'm going to propose to you that pushing through those feelings of unnatural, awkward, uncomfortable will be worth it. Because if you will do that, if you will truly step into and embrace the ask from a place that it's a sincere ask, not an ask from a demand, manipulative, coercing, cornering perspective, then it's going to become effortless and it's.

Going to feel funny in the beginning when we step back into asking sincerely. It is, but it's okay. It's no different than any other thing that feels different for us when we start, but it will. And again, the words aren't confusing, but we literally help people. Like, how do I say that again? I mean, literally, it's almost helping our clients and members of our communities getting the word out of their mouth because it's such a new experience for them, literally, to get them out of their mouth. Can I say that? We say, give it a try.

Well, and I'm going to just point out what is selfish just so you can put your logical brain at rest and ease here. What is selfish? Selfish is me doing what I want at the expense of someone else. Asking is not selfish. If it's a sincere Ask. I give you permission to say yes or no. That's how I know I'm on solid ground. And it's not manipulation at all. So there's no way that can be selfish. I'm just disclosing it so that there might be a chance of getting this met. That's important for you to understand that actually asking and communicating your needs, it's not selfish at all. It's actually very essential for a healthy, thriving relationship. Both of you as partners deserve to have your needs met and to feel valued and understood. And the only way that's going to happen, based on principle one, which is understanding me, translating my own thoughts, feelings and emotions is work only I can do. And then disclosing and advocating for those is the only way that's going to happen. It's the only way we're truly going to be able to get our needs met. Now, it probably makes a lot more sense in regards to why most of us in our relationships are roaming around with such a lack of what it is we need and desire, because we're not talking about it, because we're not having these kinds of conversations. Here's one more we'll do. As we wrap up here, it will ruin the spontaneity of our relationship. Oh, let me just ask you, how spontaneous are you right now? Probably you're sitting around waiting for spontaneity to happen. What if you were to ask for it? What if you were to set it up? What if you were to actually implement it? I'm gonna bet that you would probably have more spontaneity overall in your relationship.

Funny how that works.

It's funny how that works. So no, it won't ruin the spontaneity in your relationship, actually help you create it, because you can talk about spontaneity instead of sitting around waiting for it to happen. I think that's a good start here. I have several more that we could blow here, but I want to value your time. And I think you've got the key points of what it is we're trying to share with you that, number one, you understanding your own thoughts, feelings and emotions is only work that you can do. And number two, if you're feeling emotional pain, you're the only one that's ever going to know that remedy and what it's going to take in order for you to feel a little bit better. And number three, we've got to ask. And asking is not selfish. Actually asking is important and valuable for you to be able to get your needs and wants met. It is a truth. It is a reality that it's on us as individuals, as humans to teach our partners how to love us best as much as they love us. They won't know how unless we share it with them. And then you need to do the exchange, that contribution in that we talked about. You need to be open to allowing them to teach you what it is for them too, instead of you insisting what you think it is on them. That happens too. So let's go back to the beginning, shall we say, when we were falling in love and we were open like that sponge. We wanted to learn and understand everything that I could about my partner. What if we were to step into that space again? I would give that gift to you and I would allow you to give that gift back to me. I promise you, it's going to take your relationship in an entirely different place and space. Now we're having the conversations that we need to have because we're talking about the things that genuinely matter to us the most. The emotions that I'm desiring to experience with you in our relationship. The only catch is you're going to have to get vulnerable in order to go there, right? That means you're going to have to face that fear. Because intimacy comes from a place of being vulnerable about where I hurt and what I need. And then I allow you to do the same with me. It's important and it's principled. It's not really all that tricky, but it is going to require you to muster up a little courage and get real about what you know and experience within yourself. And then be open and allow your partner to give you the same.

Maybe more than one emotional push up.

Probably several.

Probably several.

So if you by chance need some valuable insights and practical advice on how to navigate more of the things that we've talked about in this or any of our episodes, I'm going to invite you to visit staceybartley.com for more information. This is what we do. This is what we're passionate about. This is what we're committed to doing for the long haul. We're here for you. We'd also love to hear any questions or thoughts that may come up for you around this or any of our episodes. We'd love to hear from you. So subscribe and ask away. Engage with us. We're here to be of support and value to you. Let's take a moment for a little bit of Follow the Fun. If you were to teach your partner how to love you best, what would you ask for where would you begin? I invite you, now that this is fresh on your mind, to take a few moments right now and write down some specific things. Things that you would like them to know about you. And a super tip about specifics. The more specific you can be, the better. Sometimes we talk about our needs and our desires in this platitudish way like I just want you to spend time with me and we run errands all day and we stop and get a bite to eat and I'm still not feeling fulfilled because that's not the kind of time I wanted to spend with you. The specifics, if I were to ask and make it known were I wanted. Just you and me alone together. No cooking dinner, playing soft music, having a conversation or having a good laugh together, or you and me spending time together out on the town one night as we're all dressed up. Like those are specifics that are beyond just spend time together. I'm going to encourage you to get specific with your thoughts in this moment about what you would like your partner to know about you and what it is that you're longing for right now. My hope is that once you write it down and gain some clarity about that for yourself, that you'll be able to muster up the courage to put it into an ask. What I'd like to ask for you is Our Song for Today is a song by Music so Child and the name of the song is Teach Me. He sings in this song. Teach me how to love you show me the way Teach me the way to love you. Here's where I want to start with you. And that is such a great song by the way. Music Soul Child that takes me back. Anyway, great R and B. You probably noticed if you followed along with our playlist, I'm kind of a freak when it comes to R and B, so I hope you enjoy this one too. Remember, I've got to teach my partner how to love me and then I need to be open and allow them to teach me the same. You can listen to this week's song on our and our entire playlist on Spotify. You can also just search it up on our website as well. You can access them there. And by the way, the playlist on Spotify is Love Shack Life Playlist. Thanks for being here today. I hope that you found value and that we've kind of reshaped the way that you think about this important thing of getting our emotional needs met in our relationships. My hope is that you can let some of the blame and finger pointing fall away and you can start to gain some clarity and some skills in regards to getting those needs met by having a conversation with your partner. Partner, let us know how it goes. We're here cheering for you. Look forward to being back here with you next time. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

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